I hope it’s not too late.... (part 2)

[HopefulH]

Link to prior thread : https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2910696&page=11

[HopefulH]

So trying to focus on work today. It’s going so-so, not as bad as last week but still have times where I think about the past and how I got in this situation. But I push on as I can’t change anything that has already happened.

I caught myself picking up the phone when she called earlier, which [censored] as I told myself I wouldn’t answer if she called but I failed that one she asked if I wanted cookies and her to make something for dinner. I said “yes that would be good” then found out she is making cookies for the OM and would make me and kids some too. It took everything for me not to blow up but I kept my cool and said “I don’t want to hear about the OM or anything your doing with or for him” then said I had to get back to work and got off the phone.

She texted asking if I was going to Doordash tonight. I sometimes like doing it because it’s easy money in our small town, and it helps to take one of the kids and just talk about life. I don’t know if I will do it tonight or not. I know I am gonna spend sometime working out at my house and go for a walk. And kids I think were looking forward to watching a karate movie haha

Had a quick break from work to update you all. I’m still trying to push on

[LH19]

When are you seeing a lawyer?

[HopefulH]

When are you seeing a lawyer?

I am going to call one tomorrow.

[LH19]

Find out what rights you have regarding the children and if you can do anything to remove her cheating @ss out of the house. Probably not but it wouldn't hurt to ask.

[HopefulH]

Find out what rights you have regarding the children and if you can do anything to remove her cheating @ss out of the house. Probably not but it wouldn't hurt to ask.

That’s at the top of my list. Also going to find out how D works exactly in this state and what other things I can do regarding my finances/joint account etc...

[LH19]

Great. This will give you some relief.

[HopefulH]

Great. This will give you some relief.

I do hope so. I am actually looking forward to it. Not sure if I should be but some relief will be great.

[97Hope]

In the future - yeah, don't answer phone calls.

If she asks you if you want anything from her, say "no thank you". Doesn't matter what it is.

Don't let her make you food, don't let her help you with a dang thing.

You WILL find relief from a lawyer. Get to one ASAP.
(Seriously, your lawyer is going have a fit that you are financing a boob job.)
Take their advice to the letter.


Let go of that fear of losing your marriage. It's already dead. Gone.

Acceptance of that will help you not act/react to her actions.

[HopefulH]

In the future - yeah, don't answer phone calls.

If she asks you if you want anything from her, say "no thank you". Doesn't matter what it is.

Don't let her make you food, don't let her help you with a dang thing.

You WILL find relief from a lawyer. Get to one ASAP.
(Seriously, your lawyer is going have a fit that you are financing a boob job.)
Take their advice to the letter.


Let go of that fear of losing your marriage. It's already dead. Gone.

Acceptance of that will help you not act/react to her actions.

Understood. I think it was because she hasn’t made anything or mentioned cooking in weeks, me and kids have been doing it, and it just caught me off guard. She says the “counselor” we were going to recommended it. Makes no sense but not sure if she wants to go see the MC again or not, honestly I don’t think it would do any good so I haven’t rescheduled or pushed that issue at all or even mentioned it.

Lawyer will be called first thing in morning. Going to search some up tonight. I think I’ll find more than one and talk to them.

[LH19]

Do not attend MC right now. Waste of money and time.

[97Hope]

LH is absolutely correct MC waste of both right now.

Let me save you both - "if" she attended MC with you it would be 50 minutes of pure H*** with W reading off a list of your iniquities (some true, some imagined) and later W will say "we tried MC!! I did everything I could".

With that being said - are you in IC? (individual counseling)???

If not do it!

Don't discuss with W. Actually - stop discussing ANYTHING with her.

[sandi2]

Hardest part is looking back and seeing all the wrong things I did and didn’t give her, and then her saying I pushed her into this and that it’s all my fault.

So, since she said it........does it mean it's true? No! People aren't pushed into the arms of another person. They have free will, and nobody has to push. She made a free choice to bring a third person into your M. Sure she will blame it on you! Doesn't mean you are responsible for her infidelity. I tried to lay the blame at my H's feet, too. It's the WW's way of justifying her actions. It would be a tragedy if you accepted responsibility for her cheating. No matter how much you ignored her, she didn't have to take this route. It would have been more honorable if she had divorced you, and then went out and slept with OM. (That's what I was told when I arrived on the board, and it was tough to swallow, but I knew it was true.) She is doing the most disrespectful act a W can do toward her H.

Previously, I asked if you were in-house separated. You didn't seem to actually know for sure. I think this may come from waiting on your W to call the shots........and in fact, she did. Since your W has announced the marriage is open......then my guess is she doesn't count it as a separation. (Sleeping in separate bedrooms doesn't necessarily define separation.) This way, she gets to play happy family...... and, go sleep with OM. She benefits from both sides.

I hope you will read about boundaries soon.

[HopefulH]

Hardest part is looking back and seeing all the wrong things I did and didn’t give her, and then her saying I pushed her into this and that it’s all my fault.

So, since she said it........does it mean it's true? No! People aren't pushed into the arms of another person. They have free will, and nobody has to push. She made a free choice to bring a third person into your M. Sure she will blame it on you! Doesn't mean you are responsible for her infidelity. I tried to lay the blame at my H's feet, too. It's the WW's way of justifying her actions. It would be a tragedy if you accepted responsibility for her cheating. No matter how much you ignored her, she didn't have to take this route. It would have been more honorable if she had divorced you, and then went out and slept with OM. (That's what I was told when I arrived on the board, and it was tough to swallow, but I knew it was true.) She is doing the most disrespectful act a W can do toward her H.

Previously, I asked if you were in-house separated. You didn't seem to actually know for sure. I think this may come from waiting on your W to call the shots........and in fact, she did. Since your W has announced the marriage is open......then my guess is she doesn't count it as a separation. (Sleeping in separate bedrooms doesn't necessarily define separation.) This way, she gets to play happy family...... and, go sleep with OM. She benefits from both sides.

I hope you will read about boundaries soon.

I agree. Her decisions were her own, regardless of my actions when it all started. She could have done many other things than to go to what she is doing now. I already owned up to my failures and apologized for them awhile back. I made mistakes when this all started and pushed her away some, but it got better then she went full blown into where she is now.

Right now we are in separate rooms, that’s basically it. She is doing her thing and I know I can’t control her nor stop her either.so yes in house separation is where we are at. She is benefiting right now but what boundaries can I set? I am going to read up on boundaries for sure tonight. Once I talk to a lawyer I know I can be more accurate on what my option are. Legal separation requires 1 year of living completely separate before divorce is granted. I know adultry can be quicker and get rid of any alimony. But that’s if I decide to Divorce, and honestly I don’t want that. Not yet at least.

Can it be salvaged? Maybe. I still have a small hope that it can be, but I don’t know if I can wait through the affair and I definitely don’t want to move out of my house that is for sure.

[HopefulH]

So got home from work. Did some DoorDash (food delivery service) and worked on some laundry of mine that needed done. Been hanging out with the kids watching Naruto and now looking for something else to watch. My daughter has a friend that is staying over so I’m sure they will want to watch some horror movie lol, sure I will hear them scream a couple times and laugh. Will be nice as I love to see my kids happy.

The W wasn’t here when I got home, probably won’t see here until tomorrow, no big deal though. Going to spend time with kids and read my Bible then maybe watch some YouTube before hitting the rack. I was gonna do some total gym today but after work my back and shoulders are just too sore.

Best thing about sleeping where I chose is that the German Shepard Puppy we have and our Boxer both love sleeping in there also

Taking it one day at a time. Still sad a little at times when my mind wanders but I’m only human. Onward we go.

Reading about Boundaries and more of Sandis list. Also gonna go through the going dark post

[97Hope]

Legal separation requires 1 year of living completely separate before divorce is granted. I know adultry can be quicker and get rid of any alimony. But that’s if I decide to Divorce, and honestly I don’t want that. Not yet at least.

Can it be salvaged? Maybe. I still have a small hope that it can be, but I don’t know if I can wait through the affair and I definitely don’t want to move out of my house that is for sure.

FWIW - I think you file for divorce now. You can marry her if/when she grows into a decent human and IF you still want her.

I am a bible-thumping Jesus lover, btw, but this situation is a 50 shades of f*ed up. She is openly dating OM. Marriage is over.

It cannot be salvaged while she is with OM. You 'might' get a new R - but do not fear D. Embrace it. It doesn't kill you, it protects you and your kids given the law in your area re: alimony.

I was not ok with D. I feared it. Guess what? It protected me.

[quote]For me, I do not view D as an impediment to any possible R. I also do not view R as my end goal. I'm just moving forward, working on myself and doing all I can for my kids.

[HopefulH]

So I talked to lawyer. Neither spouse can kick the other out of the marital home, can’t lock each other out and can’t force each other to leave. However when it comes to kids you can take them wherever without other spouse consent, so if I go on a trip I don’t have to have permission but need to let the other spouse know. Advised me the worst thing I can do is leave. Divorce requires a year of living separately with out any overnight stays, are allowed to visit each other and even hang out and go out on dates. Sleeping together or sleeping overnight would start the year clock again (if found out by court)

Adultry is quicker and gets rid of alimony, and possibly helps with Keeping children, although she said our state is really big on mother when it comes to the kids. The lawyer Said if I go that route to hire a PI- they gave me one they work with.
Talked to them..not cheap lol but not as expensive as I thought either.

Also was told not to close out joint account unless she goes crazy with it, and make sure I talk to them before doing it.
Also found out her elective surgery would not be on me which is good news.

Now just to decide my next move, honestly even though I am scared of D, I am beginning to think that I will be ok regardless of what happens.

Day so far has been good. Work focus is better today than yesterday. Slept ok last night, W got home late. Almost sure she is planning on spending the weekend at work and with OM which pisses me off because it’s starting to affect the kids and not only me.

And then to top it off my kids told me our main tv broke in living room, I’ll probably have to move the one out of MBR into there so we can all have fun together. Or find a way to fix the one that they said stopped working all of a sudden.

Plans for today though I am not sure. Probably go for a walk, eat and then see if I can do some exercise and study my Bible.

[HopefulH]

Also last night watched Jigsaw, I’ve seen most of the Saw films and this one was pretty good. It did take my mind off of things which was nice:)

[Traveler]

Also last night watched Jigsaw, I’ve seen most of the Saw films and this one was pretty good. It did take my mind off of things which was nice:)

It's an interesting series! I enjoyed some. I feel others fell off the mark, e.g. Saw 3D's final victim. After discovering Saw, I had to re-watch Mad Max: The Road Warrior. Its ending inspired the series.

[HopefulH]

Also last night watched Jigsaw, I’ve seen most of the Saw films and this one was pretty good. It did take my mind off of things which was nice:)

It's an interesting series! I enjoyed some. I feel others fell off the mark, e.g. Saw 3D's final victim. After discovering Saw, I had to re-watch Mad Max: The Road Warrior. Its ending inspired the series.

I’ll have to add it to my list haven’t seen that movie in years lol

[97Hope]

You will be ok no matter what happens.

You will be AMAZING when you realize that you don't deserve to be treated like garbage, learn what boundaries are, and be a sane, steady parent for your kids.

You sound better. Stay strong!

[HopefulH]

You will be ok no matter what happens.

You will be AMAZING when you realize that you don't deserve to be treated like garbage, learn what boundaries are, and be a sane, steady parent for your kids.

You sound better. Stay strong!

Thanks.... I am staying strong. Last night swapped out a TV from the MBR to living room since the living room tv stopped working. Gonna try and see what’s wrong with it tonight. I think it’s a bad power cord which should be easy to replace.

My kids are everything to me, so being around them is helping a lot, I find myself now not wanting to be around my W. I had to be around her for a little bit last night with kids and I felt bad just being in the same room. Anger and Resentment on how she can act normal around the kids but then go do what she is doing.

Last night she actually came to me when I was in my room and asked a question about one of our dogs, then asked if I was doing ok. Which I replied “yes I am fine” then went back to watching a video I was watching.

I was told by a really close friend that I should expose what she is doing, but not sure I am ready for that yet or if it is even worth the waste of time I think it would be. He also said once I clear my head I should give her an ultimatum of me and family of this OM. At the moment I’m more focused on myself and getting some finances situated so if I decide to D I can make sure I got my ducks in a row. I believe she won’t be home this weekend so I’m gonna make copies of all our records and files that I think I would need for future possibilities.

I took vacation tomorrow because she had her pre op. I don’t think I am gonna go but instead may just head out for a ride and go visit a Hunting store and check out some new bows that came out.

Still planning a weekend getaway next weekend. Trying to decide on taking kids of going by myself. I know I could use it and I am thinking the kids need a break from the house also.

[Mumin]

My quick 2 cents.
DO NOT go with her to her operation! DO NOT!!!
Regarding ultimatums they are typically not recommended here, however you may come to a point where you yourself initiate D.

[LH19]

Last night she actually came to me when I was in my room and asked a question about one of our dogs, then asked if I was doing ok. Which I replied “yes I am fine” then went back to watching a video I was watching.

Nothing worse then pity from a WW.

I was told by a really close friend that I should expose what she is doing, but not sure I am ready for that yet or if it is even worth the waste of time I think it would be.

What are you trying to accomplish by outing her?

He also said once I clear my head I should give her an ultimatum of me and family of this OM.

Not a ultimatum but a boundary. Look up and know difference. Definitely do not present either unless you are willing to follow through with full consequences of breaking your boundary.

[Traveler]

Hi Hopeful,

Ultimatums by LBS tend to be super-ineffective. We’ve seen LBS deploy them over and over, either directly as ultimatums or as “announced boundaries” that were really thinly-veiled ultimatums. If you Google ultimatums you’ll find many articles with reasons not to use them. Ultimatums are inherently controlling. Unenforced ultimatums look and are weak. If you can’t find the strength to enforce the consequence as a boundary, you probably won’t find the strength to enforce it as an ultimatum. I would drop this idea and spend more time on boundaries. What are yours? Enforced boundaries look and are strong.

Exposure that you’re in an open marriage is more double-edged. LH’s question about your goals is great.

[Traveler]

Consider two phone calls:

*Boundary*
Her: You are a monkey’s uncle.
You: I won’t be talked to that way. -click-
(Don’t answer for at least an hour.)

*Ultimatum*
Her: You are a monkey’s uncle.
You: Don’t call me that, or I’ll hang up!!
Her: <blah blah blah>
You: <blah blah blah>
Her: You are a monkey’s aunt.
You: Don’t call me that, or I’ll hang up!!
Her: <blah blah blah>
You: <blah blah blah>

Which is more effective at ensuring you’re not used as a verbal punching bag?
Which is and looks stronger?

PS - This assumes you’ve been consistently clear (in words at least) you don’t want an open marriage. We’ve had LBS who actually agreed to open marriages when they didn’t want one. That’s a slightly different situation.

[Traveler]

You say divorce takes at least one year where you live.

If an open marriage is a deal-breaker for you, what’s stopping you from starting your filing now?

[HopefulH]

You say divorce takes at least one year where you live.

If an open marriage is a deal-breaker for you, what’s stopping you from starting your filing now?

You have to show you have lived in separate houses for a full year, then you can file. So one of us would have to move out.

Other option is Adultry, but I have to get stuff together before I can do that one.

[97Hope]

Other option is Aduletry, but I have to get stuff together before I can do that one.

I strongly recommend you do this for your own protection.

You can always R after the fact. AFTER you have protected yourself, and IF you still want her.

[sandi2]

Guys, let's be careful to not make HopefulH feel that he is being pressured to file for a D. I understand what some of you are saying, but I think we need to back off a little about filing for D right this minute. Give the man a little time to get his ducks in order, like he said.

[Steve_]

Im with Sandi, hate to say it but I see lots of vets on here that play hardball right off the bat, is it the right thing to do? probably, is it hard? definately, but ultimately you know your W and where you are at internally. Dont file for a D as punishment or some ulitmatium to make her see things. It wont work, and the WW/WAW can say "oh he gave up and filed, im a victim now" if you want to recon dont file until you dont want to recon.

Thats just my humble opinon. But drop the rope and follow Sandi's rules for sure. Easier said than done but as the Mandalorian would say "This is the way".

[97Hope]

Sorry if I muddied the waters or put too much pressure.

My advice to file D based on adultery was only to protect you during the interim.(Given the waiting period in your area and custody issues in future)

In my mind - D is a business transaction - an R could take place at any time in the process at which time you could drop the D.

But I am on the other side of things, so I'm definitely biased!

I filed D to protect my financial interests but still remained standing for my marriage. For 2 more years. It did protect me.
My Xh was in middle of MLC and making crazy choices and spending money like crazy.

Sandi & Steve are correct - you have to make decisions based on what is best for YOU. And Sandi def has insight to things that I do not.

We are all here for you and have our own histories and backgrounds and will suggest based on what we have been through or what we have seen.

Maybe a less drastic approach could be to supply L with any info he needs to keep in case you need it.

[HopefulH]

Thanks everyone:)

Defiantly had some rough times today, got to thinking about W and had to push them out. She texted me a pic this morning of her and our German Shepard Puppy.

Work went ok. Boss could tell I was out of it a little but he didn’t say much. He knows I’m having issues and has been good about it. Got home from work and took two of my kids out for a drive and we got some pizza. Spent the night watching some movies they wanted to see.
W texted me and said she would be home by 3 don’t wait up. I didn’t plan on waiting up anyways but the text just pisses me off and upsets me at the same time. I didn’t reply to it at all, then she texted “ok?” But it got me thinking how someone who claims to be a Christian and reads her Bible can do all the things she is doing to me and our family. Should I reply at all to her text?

I’m now layer my in bed getting ready for sleep. I have tomorrow off so got to find something to do. I may go to a local park and go for a long walk and soak in some music

[Traveler]

Should I reply at all to her text?

Nope, "I'll be at OM's until 3am" is informational and doesn't warrant a reply. "Okay?" is a question but a dumb one--obviously it's not okay that she's cheating on you.

[sandi2]

W texted me and said she would be home by 3 don’t wait up. I didn’t plan on waiting up anyways but the text just pisses me off and upsets me at the same time. I didn’t reply to it at all, then she texted “ok?” But it got me thinking how someone who claims to be a Christian and reads her Bible can do all the things she is doing to me and our family. Should I reply at all to her text?

Have you ever waited up for her since OM has been in the picture? I told you that she wanted an open M, and this is her "nicely" telling you she'll be with OM until late. If there was an understanding that this is an in-house separation, she'd probably not even let you know she was going to be out late.......unless she simply enjoys rubbing it in your face.

To answer your question, No, don't text her back. Why should you? So as not to worry her that something might be going on with you? I doubt it would distract her from her activity with OM. No, have enough self respect to leave that one silent.

I have a question. According to what your lawyer said about filing on grounds of adultery...... the couple could not stay overnight under the same roof for a year. So, it seems in-house separation is not legally considered a legit separation. Did I understand correctly?

[Adam04]

Im with Sandi, hate to say it but I see lots of vets on here that play hardball right off the bat, is it the right thing to do? probably, is it hard? definately, but ultimately you know your W and where you are at internally. Dont file for a D as punishment or some ulitmatium to make her see things. It wont work, and the WW/WAW can say "oh he gave up and filed, im a victim now" if you want to recon dont file until you dont want to recon.

Thats just my humble opinon. But drop the rope and follow Sandi's rules for sure. Easier said than done but as the Mandalorian would say "This is the way".

I agree with what Steve said.

It's a long, hard journey. As you get your ducks in a row, distance yourself more and more from her as you get back in touch with you. Find that self worth, self respect, & dignity... at some point you'll realize you are far better than how she is treating you and you'll figure it out.

[Mumin]

Given the latest posts and the fact that you are Christian I would highly recommend to Read/study Love must be tough.

[sandi2]

Given the latest posts and the fact that you are Christian I would highly recommend to Read/study Love must be tough.

Agree 100%.

[HopefulH]

Given the latest posts and the fact that you are Christian I would highly recommend to Read/study Love must be tough.

Will try and find it Probably will have to Kindle it so W doesn’t know

[HopefulH]

W texted me and said she would be home by 3 don’t wait up. I didn’t plan on waiting up anyways but the text just pisses me off and upsets me at the same time. I didn’t reply to it at all, then she texted “ok?” But it got me thinking how someone who claims to be a Christian and reads her Bible can do all the things she is doing to me and our family. Should I reply at all to her text?

Have you ever waited up for her since OM has been in the picture? I told you that she wanted an open M, and this is her "nicely" telling you she'll be with OM until late. If there was an understanding that this is an in-house separation, she'd probably not even let you know she was going to be out late.......unless she simply enjoys rubbing it in your face.

To answer your question, No, don't text her back. Why should you? So as not to worry her that something might be going on with you? I doubt it would distract her from her activity with OM. No, have enough self respect to leave that one silent.

I have a question. According to what your lawyer said about filing on grounds of adultery...... the couple could not stay overnight under the same roof for a year. So, it seems in-house separation is not legally considered a legit separation. Did I understand correctly?

Yes In house separation is not a “legal” separation for our state. Only legal separation is separate dwellings for one full year.

[Mumin]

Good you are looking into it!
When I thought about it I actually listened to that one as an audiobook.
You can do that in a few days if you commit.

[HopefulH]

Hello everyone..so I had today off work. Spent some time working in some stuff around the house. Wife left early afternoon, I know where she went. To OM house. Spent all day there. Just texted me saying “she wasn’t going to make it home tonight” “she will come get her work clothes tormorrow”. I haven’t replied and don’t plan on replying. Although she will probably blow my phone up and be all pissed off about it.. I am so close to just ending it and talking with her about it next time I do see her and just try to make it an easy and pain free process if possible. Or once I get situated going after the Adultry part. What pisses me off is how it is going to affect our kids or what she will tell them when I am at work to make me look bad. Or if she takes them and moves out (even though lawyer told me that would be stupidest thing she could do).

She’s only been with this guy a week maybe 2 if you count talking to him on the dating app she is on. I think she is basically a lost cause now, if she can go on one date and have sex with this guy the first time and has been like she has this week, I don’t think I could ever take her back.

Accidentally seen on her iPad while in room getting something that the OM bought her a archery bow. Funny that it’s the one I recommended she get a month or so ago when we were “better it seemed” . I couldn’t get in the iPad because it’s locked but when the ding went off I couldn’t help but look as it popped up in the screen. Also seen a message from her friend saying “yeah it’s a sucky realization” which to me means she either told her she is in love with this guy or that she wants to end the marriage.

I wish I wouldn’t have looked when the ding went off but it was a natural reaction I guess. Ok so enough about the evil W

Spent the day with kiddos and now I got to figure out what to do this weekend as I probably won’t see the W at all anyways. Tormorrow supposed to take them out to a city near us to have some fun. Now I feel like garbage but I have to make sure I am there for them because W sure as hell isn’t. Talked to a old friend that is about to go through a separation and divorce with his wife, was nice just talking for a bit about how we feel. Seems like a lot of guys I know are having same issue, maybe the COVID garbage didn’t help with a lot of things.

I think my biggest fears are Not being with my kids, starting over and the whole process of Separation and Divorce. I know I’ll be ok one way of another. At least during a separation I can work towards getting Adultery on her.
Idk anymore. One day at a time. Use this weekend to love my kids and spend time with them so in case something does happen.

Hard to set boundaries when she isn’t here but I know I have to work on some for when she is or if she comes back.

I’ll talk to you all more tomorrow.

[HopefulH]

Im with Sandi, hate to say it but I see lots of vets on here that play hardball right off the bat, is it the right thing to do? probably, is it hard? definately, but ultimately you know your W and where you are at internally. Dont file for a D as punishment or some ulitmatium to make her see things. It wont work, and the WW/WAW can say "oh he gave up and filed, im a victim now" if you want to recon dont file until you dont want to recon.

Thats just my humble opinon. But drop the rope and follow Sandi's rules for sure. Easier said than done but as the Mandalorian would say "This is the way".

I agree with what Steve said.

It's a long, hard journey. As you get your ducks in a row, distance yourself more and more from her as you get back in touch with you. Find that self worth, self respect, & dignity... at some point you'll realize you are far better than how she is treating you and you'll figure it out.

I wish it wasn’t this hard. Either way I have to worry about financial implications for all this and his to get it done properly. Luckily I have time, maybe she will end up coming back to me but then I will have to decide if I want to chance taking her back. I’m so angry right now I just don’t see a future together.

[Traveler]

Just texted me saying “she wasn’t going to make it home tonight” “she will come get her work clothes tormorrow”. I haven’t replied and don’t plan on replying.

Good job! "No Contact" means she takes up less of your head space AND gets a chance to miss you.

I am so close to just ending it and talking with her about it

Truly ending it involves action--getting your own place, filing for divorce, etc.--talky talky isn't needed.

next time I do see her and just try to make it an easy and pain free process if possible.

An attorney makes it simple. Talking to your STBXW about it does not.

what she will tell them when I am at work to make me look bad.

Alas, you don't control what she tells them during her 50% custody--she is free to say bad things about you. There was a phase when my ex did just that. You can counter with the truth during your 50% custody. And, of course, your kids see who you are and how you treat people whenever they're with you.

Now I feel like garbage but I have to make sure I am there for them because W sure as hell isn’t.

Props. I mean that. Focusing on your kids is huge.

Talked to a old friend that is about to go through a separation and divorce with his wife

Props again! Great GAL work.

I'm sorry you saw those things you can't unsee. I agree it would be hard not to look when they pop right up. Keep up the good work and keep writing. You will get through this and find yourself stronger.

[sandi2]

Hard to set boundaries when she isn’t here but I know I have to work on some for when she is or if she comes back.

Your boundaries are about protecting your self respect.

She doesn't have to be there with you in order to dishonor you. Isn't she dishonoring you by bringing a third party into the M?

Let me give a popular example. Let's say one of your boundaries is not to tolerate an open marriage. You can't control her having sex with OM. Who do you control? YOU! Therefore, if your boundary is being dishonored, it's up to you to do some action that will demonstrate self respect. How do you enforce the boundary, if she won't honor it? You take the next step to remove yourself from the marriage relationship that's been violated. You stop serving benefits she gets from being married to you. You stop being her friend. See what I mean? You don't do this action with the hopes it will jar her senses, but you do this to preserve your own self respect.

If you will give an example of the boundary you can't set when she's not there........maybe we can help. I'm guessing it's some type of interaction?

[sandi2]

Hey Hopeful, what's going on?

[MrBrside]

I think my biggest fears are Not being with my kids, starting over and the whole process of Separation and Divorce. I know I’ll be ok one way of another. At least during a separation I can work towards getting Adultery on her.
Idk anymore. One day at a time. Use this weekend to love my kids and spend time with them so in case something does happen.

I think deep down this is the biggest fear of most LBS... that and losing the confort of the family enviroment they have built up over the years.

I realised in my sitch, that it was this fear that kept the begging and pleading.. and actually looking at everything through rose tinted glasses.

I can honestly say, my WW having an affair was the best thing to happen to me.. It brought me closer to my children and we get to do the things "we" want to do.. there are no more debates about going on holiday, or the WW complaining she doesnt like flying etc - We do day trips every weekend they are with me ( well when not in lockdown ) - they are happy and they love being with me.
WW are selfish, and your children will suffer. Your focus should be you and the children - forget the WW.. You and KIDS KIDS KIDS ! That should be your focus / purpose !

Trust me, in 2 years time you will look back and think WTF was i thinking in Jan 2021...