The Aftermath - Part 3

[Drh2001]

Link to Part 2

WW dropped S bomb - part 2

My WW moved out in Dec '20. I refinanced the house and she got her half. I have the kids M-F and she has long weekends.

I've had a lot of time to think and work on myself. Working remotely due to Covid and putting out fires everyday with the kids who are remote learning.

Oldest daughter decided not to go stay with her mother this weekend. OM does not want her emotional support animal at the house as it makes messes. Daughter offered solutions but OM says no and WW caught in the middle. Daughter needs her emotional support animal when trying to adjust to the other house.

When WW first moved in with OM I told my daughters to keep the two lives separate and not tell me about OM but eldest daughter told me why she's not going to the other house this weekend though her sister did go.

I'm not sure how long my daughter can keep this up for. She can be stubborn but she insists she can't be apart from her pet. Maybe she hopes her mother will pressure OM to change his mind. I'm not encouraging my daughter to not see her mother but I don't know what to say to her. It's not my house and OM has the right to make decisions.

My daughter's birthday is next week and WW asked if she could take her out to lunch since she won't have seen her all week. I agreed to do this as long as she brought her back that afternoon as she is having take out here with her friends.


I've been fair to WW even when last week she texted my daughter saying she was going to come and get her early without notifying me. I told her she is undermining me as a parent and she should be asking me first to pick my daughter up early. Her excuse was that if I'm not busy doing something with my daughter she sees no reason why she can't get them early and even called me inflexible! I'm not even part of the equation and I told her never to do this again especially as we have a custody agreement in place.

[97Hope]

Holy cannoli, Drh...

Just caught up with your sitch. You have been incredibly fair and it sounds like you have found your voice!

Glad to see you have boundaries around the WW - she will push those any chance she can and then blame you for being inflexible, unreasonable, etc....

What do you do on weekends that you have alone?

[mtb1981]

Glad to see you got your gonads back, doc. Keep up the good DB'ing...

[Traveler]

I've been fair to WW even when last week she texted my daughter saying she was going to come and get her early without notifying me. I told her she is undermining me as a parent and she should be asking me first to pick my daughter up early. Her excuse was that if I'm not busy doing something with my daughter she sees no reason why she can't get them early and even called me inflexible! I'm not even part of the equation and I told her never to do this again especially as we have a custody agreement in place.

Great job! You have a custody agreement, and she can't change it unilaterally. Flexibility comes into play if and only if she requests a change, recognizing your right to say yes or no.

She even told me I could have the kids every other weekend! How generous of her!
I have the kids M-F and she has long weekends.

..and one of her Ds even chose not to come over. LOL at her fantasy vs. her reality. It's amazing how many LBS relinquish the family home and custody. There is definite strength in your story.

[sandi2]

I don't know if you saw my posts, but I responded to yours in my thread, and then I posted in your previous thread. I never heard anymore, and thought you were taking a break or had left us. Glad to see you posting again.

[Drh2001]

I don't know if you saw my posts, but I responded to yours in my thread, and then I posted in your previous thread. I never heard anymore, and thought you were taking a break or had left us. Glad to see you posting again.

Hi Sandi,

I did read your response, thank you! Meant a lot to me. I will be posting here and continuing to do 180s.

[Mumin]

Where I live it is common at 12 years of age to allow children to chose for themselves where to live.
Obviously they’ll spend time with both parents but they get to have one main wardrobe so to speak.
While I think this is a great principle it scares me as my house is a bit off.

[harvey]

Where I live it is common at 12 years of age to allow children to chose for themselves where to live.
Obviously they’ll spend time with both parents but they get to have one main wardrobe so to speak.
While I think this is a great principle it scares me as my house is a bit off.

That seems awfully young to let the decision rest with the child. It also opens up the possibility of shenanigans by one or both spouses.

[NickWing]

WW dropped S bomb - part 2

My WW moved out in Dec '20. I refinanced the house and she got her half. I have the kids M-F and she has long weekends.

I've had a lot of time to think and work on myself. Working remotely due to Covid and putting out fires everyday with the kids who are remote learning.

Oldest daughter decided not to go stay with her mother this weekend. OM does not want her emotional support animal at the house as it makes messes. Daughter offered solutions but OM says no and WW caught in the middle. Daughter needs her emotional support animal when trying to adjust to the other house.

I think your daughter recognizes it’s dysfunctional for her mother to go from one bed to the next, and probably does not want to be under the same roof as the guy who stole her mom from her Dad. Plus she gets to stay in her own room and sleep in her bigger bed.

My daughters will be facing the same issue in the future. I didn’t think about that until just now. Makes me sick to think of some other guy replacing me.

[Drh2001]

It's coincidence this happens to be Valentine's Day and I'm posting. So this is not a rant.

My relative (who knows the situation with my WW) told me the other day that "she has steamrollered over her family without any regard for the consequences. And what has she got? A small house, someone else's kids to look after, a pile of debt, no real security, children in therapy and a low opinion from her family and friends. And for what? A leg over. I hope she feels it was worth it, for it sure looks like a bad deal to me."

---------

My WW moved out in December 2020 and straight into OM's house. He has three kids from a previous marriage. They live in a cramped duplex. And with my two kids there during long weekends, that's a household of seven not to mention all the pets.

We did mediation before she moved out and they asked her what she planned on doing. I tried to keep a straight face as she said she was moving in with a "significant other." This is actually on the divorce agreement. So no alimony for her. I insisted she waive it permanently, even though we've been married more than 15 years. I told her I'm not paying for her to live with OM who has a full time job.She had the nerve to ask me if she could claim it some point in the future if it didn't work out with OM. She left with credit card debt of over $12k. How she managed to spend that kind of money in six months beats me. She actually texted me last month to ask why her balance wasn't going down. Well when you have that high amount of debt and making minimum payments, it'll take a lot longer to pay off at 18% interest.

Anyone else have a WW that threw everything away and trampled on their kids to satisfy their own selfish needs?

[SteveLW]

Drh, it is a very common tale. I can tell you about a dozen I personally know of, and that includes both Hs and Ws.

My only concern now that she has made her bed is that you can move forward, happy and healthy. You may never understand her reasons, because they are not logical, they are emotional. Your logical mind will never make sense of it. You have to accept that and decide that the fact you'll never understand it is ok, and that it isn't a barrier to your going on to live an awesome life.

You got a great settlement that many Lbs s would be envious of, be thankful for that.

Look ahead... Not behind.

[Drh2001]

WW dropped S bomb - part 2

My WW moved out in Dec '20. I refinanced the house and she got her half. I have the kids M-F and she has long weekends.

I've had a lot of time to think and work on myself. Working remotely due to Covid and putting out fires everyday with the kids who are remote learning.

Oldest daughter decided not to go stay with her mother this weekend. OM does not want her emotional support animal at the house as it makes messes. Daughter offered solutions but OM says no and WW caught in the middle. Daughter needs her emotional support animal when trying to adjust to the other house.

I think your daughter recognizes it’s dysfunctional for her mother to go from one bed to the next, and probably does not want to be under the same roof as the guy who stole her mom from her Dad. Plus she gets to stay in her own room and sleep in her bigger bed.

My daughters will be facing the same issue in the future. I didn’t think about that until just now. Makes me sick to think of some other guy replacing me.

Nick, if this is inevitable, start planning for separation/divorce now if this seems the most likely outcome. If she is a WW then this is the most likely income. Everyone's situation is different. If you have a long term marriage and she moves in with OM insist she doesn't ask for alimony. You should not have to subsidize her lifestyle if she is living with OM. Figure out the child custody arrangements. I got lucky I guess because WW moved outside the school district and I told her the kids stay in the same school which means they stay with me M to F. She didn't want to do the commute from her place, to the school, to her job, to my house and back again as that's two hours commuting every day. She'd never get a real lunch break.

[Drh2001]

Drh, it is a very common tale. I can tell you about a dozen I personally know of, and that includes both Hs and Ws.

My only concern now that she has made her bed is that you can move forward, happy and healthy. You may never understand her reasons, because they are not logical, they are emotional. Your logical mind will never make sense of it. You have to accept that and decide that the fact you'll never understand it is ok, and that it isn't a barrier to your going on to live an awesome life.

You got a great settlement that many Lbs s would be envious of, be thankful for that.

Look ahead... Not behind.

Thank you Steve85! I appreciate that and it made my day (on this day too). I still get sad when I think about it.

[NickWing]

Thanks for the concern. I don’t have any minor children, so custody is not an issue. Stbxw is still denying an OM, and refuses to t.ell me she is going to live after we sell the house. Idc where she lives, but if Ds are staying with her, I would like to get a place that’s not totally removed from where my daughters are staying.

Yeah, and stbxw is giving gave a up a comfortable lifestyle with plenty of travel with me and two well adjusted kids for getting b**ged in a hotel room two afternoons a week with a married OM.