Previous ThreadWe have 3 grown sons and 3 grandsons and another grand on the way due in July.
The older 2 sons are writing him off and have said that they refuse to let J near them or the grands.
The youngest - 19 - has decided to stand by his dad's side until he has proof otherwise. (proof that he began the affair before the separation, I think.)
I respect his decision although I don't like it.
Mainly because that's what I did for 3 years and I know how bad it hurts..but then I started thinking about it all and I'm glad I gave XH benefit of the doubt. He violated my trust but that's on HIM. I can live with myself and have peace because until I had undeniable proof I honored my vows and commitment.
Now the big debate is "when did they start their R". I don't want anything to do with it. I can't believe this is my life sometimes. But other times I'm content and looking forward to my new career.
I told all of them that I would love and support them no matter what, and that I would respect their boundaries even if I didn't agree with them.
Have been telling them a lot that they are going to make choices that hurt me, but that it's ok. This is hard on everyone and I have my stuff to work through and it won't always be like this.
New level of detachment is necessary for me.
I am praying and working toward getting to the place where his life choices do not shake me anymore. I gave him too much power in the past and made great progress. I'm hoping this is a minor setback. It doesn't feel as deep and acute as the last revelations.
It's hard when you never know what new info you will receive and how it's going to feel.
Managing my emotions was extremely difficult yesterday, today is slightly better.
Thank you Steve for the comment. It is so true. I've seen it time and time again.
I'm tying not to focus on the fact that he is manipulating these kids and getting away with it.
Also needed a reminder that I'm not crazy and not self-doubt. that's a continuous journey.
Day 3 of feeling like I'm living in a new world. For the past 3 months, since I moved out, I have gotten into a routine and rarely (if at all) thought about X but this new revelation that he has been seeing his AP is what's on my mind first thing in the morning.
I remember after he moved out, I would wake up and my first thought would be "he moved out". Now, it's "they are together and have been together".
Stomach hurts a lot. In past 2 days I've been able to eat a bowl of soup.
Reading through the stories here helps a lot. Feel less alone.
I start my new career in two weeks. I know that will help a great deal. Just need to do everything I can to GAL in the mean time.
Trying to remind myself that it won't always feel like this. I know its true, I've lived through it, just seems like such a crazy unreal universe.
Now I'm feeling like garbage for even having conversations with my DIL's (23 and 26 y/o). I wish I would have just listened and validated and stayed out of it.
Sitting here, I realize that I MUST avoid any and all drama that XH creates. When unavoidable, I must detach emotionally so that if it's in my atmosphere - it doesn't affect me.
Scheduled an appt. with my IC. Haven't been in more than a year - haven't needed to - but now it's time so I can manage my emotions around this fresh hell and maintain being the sane parent.
97 you have got this, move forward
Tell us about your GAL activities/ plans?
You have been through it, so what does 2021 have in store for you?
Complete detachment from XH will happen it just (cliche) takes time :-)
((97Hope))
((dun))) Thank you so much!!
Yes, lol, time helps. Also staying out of the way and focusing on my life. I got sucked in for a hot minute and I will try not to repeat that!
My GAL? Well....I went through 4 months of training to get a new career going for myself. I was the oldest in the class and I'm super proud of myself for making it!
I start my new job on the 25th! My plan is to work there for a year and transfer out to live near my brother.
To make it though, I started training for a 5k last February (before I began the academy). I never did run in an official 5K (covid) but I did run it!!
I am NOT a runner and I don't like it but it was great for my mental wellbeing and I've kept it up (mostly).
My grandsons spent the night with me and we had a ball. Dance party in the living room and movie night.
Went to a paint and drink place and realized I love to paint! I'm not great but it was soothing for my soul.
Not even close to wanting to date, and I'm ok with that.
Love that 22 and a 35 year old asked me out LOL (I'm 46) but I am getting myself fully detached before I throw some poor guy into my life.
IC appointment for Thursday and I'm excited about it.
"Nothing you leave behind will affect your life significantly"
- my dad
When I moved out of the marital home, I took only what I wanted, loved, and needed for my small 2bdrm apartment. I left behind a massive home. My life is simple and I love it. I focus on the simplicity of not having too much to manage, care for and clean. I can focus on my GAL and other important things.
Be smart about what you take/keep. It's just stuff. I let my atty fight the battle and treated it like a business deal. He advised and I listened. I did my best to keep emotion out of it.
WOW,
Well done you, new career/job awesome.
re getting a life you appear to be knocking it out of the park.
The young chaps making moves, take it for what it is, you look good (get you girl!), but perhaps wait a bit? Doyou want a relationship or fun?
I am absolutely waiting! It was just nice to know I have options. Great for my self-esteem which was a bit in the ditch after all of this.
I wouldn't be opposed to having someone to go to events with. Different than a gal pal, but for now I'm content with flying solo.
I think I will know when it's time to date. It's not today.
{{{Hope}}},
Just finished reading your entire story. I commend you for standing tall for so long. As you know, I have only been separated for 3 months, I am only at the beginning. I gained a tremendous amount of insight from all your posts. I know finding out that your ex-H is and was involved with another W the entire time had thrown you for a loop but please remember that you survived and are better off now.
Mar
Hi sweet (((Mar))))
I'm still standing, but as DnJ puts it - I'm standing for my own beliefs and values.
I have no regrets with how I chose to stand for my marriage. I have no regrets in honoring my vows and choosing kindness and love. I know deep down I did all I could.
I did what I would have wanted my spouse to do for me if I was going through something.
My X is in great torment. I would have no peace had I went scorched earth from the beginning. I think God had a way to protect me and give me strength to do this with integrity and while I certainly didn't do it perfectly, I have such peace.
I also have such love for my X it's amazing. It's not the same. I'll try to explain. I love him enough to leave him to his journey. I love him enough to be kind in my thoughts and prayers for him. I love him enough to let him go. I don't want anything from him. I don't want to see or speak to him, but if/when I see him for family events - I can be kind.
I couldn't ask for more at this point. Before DB I probably have gone nuts and lost my head and told him what a dirtbag he was and refused to ever see him again. This would have been so much messier for my kids who truly don't deserve any of this!
This whole journey has and is changing me. Like you, I chose and continue to choose: Faith, Hope & Love.
Journaling
Weird day. It's snowing. I live in the US (southern state). I took my grandsons home after a sleepover. They didn't have coats etc. so I had to get them back before the roads possibly closed. (We are not equipped for snow here.)
On the drive to pick them up, I was pulling into a gas station and I saw XH drive by headed toward my apartment.
I had a feeling I would pass him. (These are strange. I don't question them.)
I had just a moment of a feeling deep down - butterflies - and then it passed. I thought "He looks angry. He's headed to OW's house". The fact that he was headed to see her didn't bother me. It seems it is just the new normal. My stomach is still a little wonky but nothing like those early days of BD.
She lives nearby me in a neighborhood. Ironic. I leave the ranch only to see him headed to see her. God has an amazing way of things.
When I saw my eldest during the pickup he said that his dad was "probing" and asking a lot of questions from all of them about what they believed about his GF. (3 sons and DIL after other DIL ripped him apart on the phone several days ago)
DIL said that he came to see her at work to ask her what she new.
I realized that I'm so thankful not to have to live in the chaos anymore.
I've been reading different sitches here and I'm just pained at how awful people can be to one another.
If you are new, know that you will be stronger if you focus on your journey and leave them to theirs.
I have been slowly realizing that I am so much better without all the chaos surrounding my XH. He invites it. His choices are those of quick fixes and plaster. (women, drinking, spending)
I used to listen to anyone who wanted to tell me things he has said. I've since asked people to not repeat any conversations he has with them.
I remember our marriage differently. There was a before and after. I don't know if he changed or his mask was just on for the first 13 years. I know that 11 of those years were devastating to us both. I know it doesn't matter who he was, I divorced the man he is today. I like how DnJ has it to W and XW. It is exactly like there were two people (MLC sometimes more during replay).
I've gone through a great deal of unimaginable pain - particularly in the beginning. But I have healed considerably and continue to heal. I've grown. I leaned into my faith, family and friends.
XH isolated from faith, family and friends. And I have witnessed first hand how much longer and deeper his pain is and goes. With no relief in sight.
I pray for my X today and feel compassion for the havoc he has wrought on himself. And he did bring it upon himself. Knowing that is what makes me think "how awful to be him".
I don't know when/if I will become angry. I don't think I necessarily need to although I have had moments, most of my feelings are just pity towards him.
He hates himself. I would too if I were him.
I'm me, though. So I will love him from a very safe distance and keep moving forward toward my new life.
I just made a snow angel!! Reminded of growing up in NY. I needed that.
Took a deep gulp of the ice cold air and smiled from ear to ear. Went for a nice long walk and feel refreshed.
Christian perspective:
God delivered manna to the Israelites as they left Egypt, but they complained because they missed the lavish dinners there. The problem was that they were slaves! But that didn't stop them from moaning and groaning about leaving it behind. God promised them a land of milk and honey. They yearned for the captivity they knew.
I thought about this today. When I get to thinking about my old MR and what it truly was - I have to remember it realistically. I can't yearn for those years behind me. As I have gone through the tapes, I realized that it was a terrible MR. I was cheated on multiple times. I was lied to repeatedly. My X claimed that I was controlling because I didn't accept that he was texting his subordinates at work inappropriately. I didn't like that he flirted with anything and everything...
deep breath...
Today I was given such great manna. Snow and the ability to laugh in the snow.
On to my own land of milk and honey. Right now it's my beautiful little apartment - safe, clean, calm.
Later, perhaps, a new R of some type. But now I know my worth. It came at a heck of a price. I won't waste it.
...I would not have minded a companion to play in the snow with me, but I did enjoy being a kid again.
I love it, 97Hope.. what an inspiring snippet of what a day of GAL can be like!
Hiya Warrior!! I was just reading some comments you left on other's posts. Your journey has inspired me, for sure! I am jealous of your adventures! I spent 3 months in Kyrgyzstan and fell in love with hiking! It is flat flat flat where I live lol.
Yes, today was a GAL success and it came out of nowhere. Unexpected blessing.
I'm relaxing in a warm apartment and can hear my youngest playing a video game.
Sweet day. Thanks for checking in. x
Hope,
I also have such love for my X it's amazing. It's not the same. I'll try to explain. I love him enough to leave him to his journey. I love him enough to be kind in my thoughts and prayers for him. I love him enough to let him go. I don't want anything from him. I don't want to see or speak to him, but if/when I see him for family events - I can be kind.
These are the exact sentiments I am striving for. I sincerely love my W and believe I always will. Your strength has been an inspiration.
Mar
Sweet Mar,
I thought about you this morning on my walk.
I was scared of always loving my X. I sat with this thought and was going down a thinking trail on that when I remembered a convo I had with an old friend. He had called me when he heard I was getting a divorce.
He cheated on his wife and they divorced. He wanted to work it out, she didn't. She left him and she has since moved on. They divorced about 2 years ago.
He said that the most loving thing I could do for my X was to let him go. Ok, I knew this already, but he said "Hope, you can love him until the day you die, but this is what loving him looks like. Letting him go."
When put like that, all the guilt and anxiety just faded away. Especially coming from the "other side".
Trying to not love him wasn't the point. My healing and moving forward was. Whether or not I still loved X didn't and couldn't determine my next steps.
The reality was - he was no longer my H and I had a life to live.
I know you will be ok. We are here for you.
Journaling,
Had a very uneventful day. Obviously spent a lot of time here.
When I first found this site, I was looking to save my marriage. When that looked hopeless, and as I began DBing, I came back for the support and friendship.
Now, as I read - I see so many people taking a simply horrific, awful situation and growing from it. Coming out the other side (if there is such a thing) stronger, with more compassion, better coping skills, ambitions that they thought they had lost. I see stories of courage and hope in dark times. I see others lifting each other up and holding them accountable.
Thank you all for sharing your stories and your lives.
I don't know where I would be without you.
Pretty uneventful day except I cried all the way home.
Baby steps some days.
I went to my new place of employment to handle some administrative work. I start officially on the 25th.
I don't know what happened. I was in the car headed home and it just hit me. For the past 3 1/2 years I have stood. It was lonely. It was hard. Of course I could have dated or found someone to keep the wolves at bay, but I didn't.
I was a faithful wife and a good friend.
I don't regret it. Just painful right now.
I know this will pass. I know I did the right thing. I know so much more than I did at the beginning of this journey...just hurts like heck.
"Hope does not put us to shame" ...my therapist reminded me of this years ago. I was slightly embarrassed by having hope for so long.
I'm not ashamed now. Just deeply sad.
IC appointment next Thursday. STI screen later this week.
I know that grief comes and goes. And I affirm that the waves are smaller, less intense, and less frequent than in the past.
I'm grateful for that - just feel raw tonight.
I know that once I start work I will be in a better place emotionally.
Signed up for a hike this Saturday. Women's group. Probably safer.
I'm so lonely I'd probably scare away any men at this point. rawr.
((Hope))
Sending you much love and hugs. The loneliness is what scares me the most about my future. I feel you.
Mar
Thanks sweet (((Mar)))) I so appreciate the love and hugs.
But I should clarity.....
When I say 'lonely' - I really mean the absence of physical touch in my life.
During my training - one of the instructors was demonstrating how to properly search a female. I was the 'dummy'.
He felt me up one side and down the next and I swear I was ready to take him home!! LOL
Not in a sexual way necessarily - I just realized that I missed feeling a man's touch. I miss having a hug or a cuddle, holding hands, feeling a hand on the small of my back....you know.
So it was really in jest that I mentioned how lonely I was and that it would scare most men off (rawr)...
I've not been 'emotionally' lonely as I keep myself surrounded by a very close, albeit small, circle of trusted friends.
You will be ok. Kick fear in the teeth. You will find strength you didn't know you had. Loneliness to me, emotionally, is a sign that I need to reach out.
I've gotten very comfortable with my own company - I think God prepared me in many ways for that.
Thank you so much for your concern!! x
My how the turning tables have turned....
Today was so much better than the past couple!! Turned a corner last night/this morning. Letting go feels good.
Have been letting the pain hit me, not fighting it, and then turning thoughts over to the truth.
What do I miss? Why am I upset that X is with OW? Is there anything in me that wants 'him' back??
I miss the 'security' (idea only IRL) of marriage.
I'm upset because she is marrying a very wealthy, established man that I supported for 20 odd years.
I do not want him back.
I had the best years with him in the beginning but that person is gone now.
I don't miss the chaos he brings into his own life and visits on those who are close to him.
I like the freedom to live how I want to live (he was very controlling and judgmental)
I like knowing that I don't have to compete with any other woman for his attention.
When I started thinking about it - there wasn't much left at the end that I loved about our life together. It was chaos, there was always an OW or the threat of OW. I did not feel safe in the MR, I frequently felt like he consistently had one foot out of the door.
Glad for the reprieve I've experienced today. That wave hurt. I am ready for the next wave and will remind myself that it will pass and I am well.
In other news....my gf's husband has a 'friend' - used to work together - and he has been asking about me.
Asked about me (saw me at the friends house party) about a year ago and was asking but at the time I was going through divorce and they told him I was not interested. He asked again recently, and gf would like to set up a meeting (all of us) if I'm interested.
Told her I would consider it, as I've just not felt ready to 'date'. But he is a good man (according to my friend and her H).
He is attractive (to me) and it would be nice to go on a no-pressure date.
I was smiling thinking and talking about it, but then I log on and read about attachments too soon and codependency etc.
So I told friend, give me a couple of more months. If he's still interested, and I'm ready - great. If he's moved on - ok, too.
It certainly is nice to have a good man interested in me.
To date only very very young men and very very old men have shown interest. And a couple age-appropriate dirtbags LOL
97Hope, impressive--many of us have trouble turning down easy attention, let alone someone eligible and attractive, presumably looking for similar things. Well-handled telling them to call back in a couple of months. I suspect, based on how well you're processing, you will feel and be ready to date by then.
Someone here posted this for me a long time ago and it helped me a lot. I wish I could remember who it was. I think it might have been surfer or AS? Maybe it will help you too.
The Guest House
by Jalaluddin Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
That's terrific, Hope!! So glad you are where you are right now. I definitely think that letting yourself feel the pain and anger is important in the process. No matter what, even though you're better off now, it is still a sad thing and you deserve to let yourself feel those feelings.
what you've written here is great, the truth that you're able to see and accept. What you miss, what you don't miss, what isn't even an option anymore, what feels unfair or wrong and it is more the injustice that is stinging you than really any loss. Where there is still fear. My only advice is to really spend some time thinking about these things and writing them down. Maybe copy them to your phone. Think of a mantra that refers back to them.
In my experience at least, sometimes this feeling can be slippery-- something will happen to knock you back down and having this all very clearly laid out helps to let go a little more quickly the next time. If there are other cues you can associate with how you feel right now-- like where you are in your house, music, food, smells-- anything that you can bring into this space and feeling that you have can help guide you back if it becomes necessary. Think of it like a set of curated, positive triggers.
In the hardest parts to date of my sitch, I had all kinds of little rituals I'd do to center myself. Strength and Patience was a mantra for me and every time I looked at the salt and pepper shakers in my kitchen I'd think, strength and patience. I wrote S&P on my hand where I could look at it during the day when I started to feel anxious. I did deep breathing exercises. I know you're probably way past the need for all of that, but anything you can do to take care of yourself when you're feeling the grief and anxiety is good.
You're doing great!! xx M
Warrior,
Thank you. I think you may be right about being ready. I hope you are!
May,
Excellent advice. When I started running, I used an app that had a running coach and she said to get a mantra when we wanted to quit. Mine is "Hope, you are strong. Be strong."
I used it to get me though the academy, but I haven't used it for this. Excellent idea!!
I got knocked down last week with the revelation that X has had an OW. I know myself well enough to know that I haven't processed it all (we were together for 23 years) but you are right - we don't know when the next wave will hit. Having a plan will definitely help!! This is such great advice.
I love how everyone here shares. It has made all the difference for me.
Thank you both so much for your time and help xx
Joe,
I wrote this sometime last year in my journal! I think it's incredible that you shared that with me. It means a lot. It's like you understand. : )
From my journal - Summer 2019
I have always excelled at throwing parties. I am an excellent hostess. So when it came time to throw my own grief-party, I went all out.
As I grieved, I let myself feel every emotion as it came. I didn’t tell myself not to feel anything, I just accepted it and named it out loud. Going back to my party analogy - All of my feeling showed up. I think I might have met emotions that I had never met before! “Welcome to my party, insecure. Have a seat, but don’t get comfortable. I will only visit with you for a time.”
“Oh boy, here comes guilt and shame, I didn’t realize they were a couple! Welcome, welcome, but you, too, may not move in, this is just an event we are all going to go through together for a bit.”
Fear came slamming in like an obnoxious guest that no one really invited, but they always show up anyway. They speak and act as if they know everything. The longer this type of guest stays and the more they spew, the easier it is to see them for what they are. Just plain full of it.
Dealing with fear isn’t easy. It’s not just that fear is a liar, but fear can be the absolute loudest voice in the room, with the closest semblance to truth there is without actually being truth. Fear can be difficult to deal with alone, so you’ve got to grab help and hold on, because the only remedy for fear is Truth. I called out to Truth, and at times it felt like they would not attend, but I refused to give up or give in and the moment Truth did show up - it was like an old friend, full of wisdom and knowledge and dignity and grace taking the lead and telling you,“breathe, sweet sister, I’ve got this”. When you hear truth, you have to listen carefully, fear being fear, he doesn’t leave easily. And you can’t evict him at first with muscle. You have to get to a point to be able to discern the difference.
So I listened carefully to Truth. I soaked up everything she said and I let it flow over me even though I could still hear Fear bloviating in the background. The more Truth I heard, fear became more and more apparently a liar. When Truth was a whisper, I called trusted friends to help me hear her more clearly. The amount of time my friends have spent praying over me is still almost unbelievable to me. Seek friends who will pray with you, for you and over you. Not only in the bad times, but the good times, too. Be a friend to pray for and over someone else. The body of Christ is powerful, but only if you are plugged in.
As these guests came and went and sometimes came back again, they became easier to manage. Much like a houseguest. The first visit can be a little awkward, honestly sometimes just brutal because you have no idea of what to expect, but once you understand them, they are manageable. And those who are just animals, well, you simply kick them to the curb before you let them cross the threshold again. You recognize them for what they are before they take a seat at the table. You realize that having dealt with them before, you know how to manage them. And sometimes, in management, you simply let them know how far, if at all, you are willing to accommodate them.
As a woman of faith, I believe that God, my Father in heaven, loves me more than I can imagine. I KNOW this. However; knowing this and reconciling it with all the pain I was trying to deal with was difficult. I realized that God is allowing these ‘guests’ in my home, but He hasn’t left me alone to deal with them and it is my choice in how to respond to them. I made a choice not to ignore them any longer. I chose healing. So I invited them in and learned from them. I became acquainted with my feelings in an effort to understand them and know them. They are not me. They are not my identity. They are my feelings. They have a place in my life, but they are not the sum total of my life.
I pray that the loudest voice in my head is always Truth. I pray that I continue to be blessed with friends that pour it over me when fear shows back up. I pray this for you right now. It is the prayer that is always answered with an unequivocal “yes”.
So weird.
Had to contact X yesterday afternoon. Sent him the information so he could remove me from the accounts. He sent back 2 paragraphs about how he thought he had etc. etc.
After I did not respond he sent a text "I do not like your hat".
Its from a Dr. Suess book we used to read to the boys when they were little. An old inside joke between the two of us.
I don't know what came over me, but I responded "Baby, I love you, but I don't like your hat either."
I think it would take too long to explain, but I knew he knew what I meant. He replied with 4-5 texts laughing alone in a pasture in a tractor - thank you for a big laugh - he needed it. I responded something banal and went about my business.
A few minutes later he texts that "But, is often the case, it has transitioned to tears... alone.... on a tractor... you get the picture. "
I said happy tears I hope! he said I wish. I said "chin up young person" (movie reference we both used in the past) and sent "hugs".
Chatted a little bit after that - he flirted a little, but I avoided that.
He then sends a picture of a meal he is making and asks me if I want some.
I told him no thank you. I had already eaten.
Went for a short run - 1.5 miles. It was glorious. My phone was blowing up a little. Realized I was sending all kinds of random texts to people. just gibberish. Lost my case that I wear on my arm so had put it in my pocket.
One of those went to X - I explained that my phone was in my pocket and then S19 called.
S19 asked why I was out of breath - told him I had just finished a run, he asked me about cable and then X texted - did you have a good run?
Get a photo of the soup he made in a bag marked with "TGB" his nickname for me going back ages.
Long story longer - I think it might have been not a good idea to engage at all with him via text. I have been turning it over in my mind. What did I hope to gain by texting him back after initial info was sent?
1. It feels empowering when he pursues me.
2. It makes me feel (something- IDK yet still working it out) - that even though he has an OW - he still wants my attention, respect and admiration.
3. I like the banter. We have a history and it's feels good to be reminded of the good times.
4. I want to get to a place of peace and acceptance where he is who he is - and I don't judge it or punish him for it, I just continue on my journey.
If anyone has any opinion on this - swing away.
#1-4 - I'm not proud of some of these feelings, I'm being honest with you guys. I did evil grin when he flirted thinking "see that OW - you think you've won something, but it will always be me"
again - expressing my true emotions. Please go to town with the 2x4's but know it's not a brag.
I don't know what came over me, but I responded "Baby, I love you, but I don't like your hat either."
So this is interesting. Does he get your unconditional love?
Long story longer - I think it might have been not a good idea to engage at all with him via text. I have been turning it over in my mind. What did I hope to gain by texting him back after initial info was sent?
That's the million dollar question. If you are not at number 4 above then you must have a motive.
#1-4 - I'm not proud of some of these feelings, I'm being honest with you guys. I did evil grin when he flirted thinking "see that OW - you think you've won something, but it will always be me"
I think it's more like "see that OW - you think you've won something, but you got what you deserved"
I think the bottom line is if this isn't going to set you back or spiral it's a sign of true detachment.
So this is interesting. Does he get your unconditional love?
Yes. He does. Now, he's not allowed in my inner circle, but I love him from this safe life I have created.
I think it's more like "see that OW - you think you've won something, but you got what you deserved"
Well...you aren't wrong! lol I couldn't figure out how to put that in words. This is probably going to take me more time to see her as an actual human and not gum on the bottom of my shoe. I don't have emotion around her directly as I see her more as a symptom of his out of control life and an attempt by him to fill the void.
November 21 I slept with him. I wasn't positive he had an OW - had suspicions.
That was the last time as I knew he did. Found out last week it had started a long time ago.
Surprisingly -
I think the bottom line is if this isn't going to set you back or spiral it's a sign of true detachment.
It actually made me think - ok. Going forward, I can see him at events for the family and I'm ok. I know he has OW now and that has nothing to do with me and I don't feel envy. I feel pity sometimes but mostly don't feel anything. It's like I notice it and move on.
Yes. He does. Now, he's not allowed in my inner circle, but I love him from this safe life I have created.
What does this inner circle consist of? Sounds like he was in your inner circle on November 21st.
Hope, I believe we are in the same graduating class here on DB
. I am still struggling with detachment, so your latest encounter with X is fascinating to me. I think your strength and candor are marvelous, and will be cheering you on.
I am guessing that your faith, which shines through so wonderfully in your earlier post on this thread about the party guests, may have helped you a lot. DB is not a path for the spiritually impoverished, that's for sure.
Thank you for being here and take good care.
Yes. He does. Now, he's not allowed in my inner circle, but I love him from this safe life I have created.
What does this inner circle consist of? Sounds like he was in your inner circle on November 21st.
This is what I discussed with my therapist today.
When I'm honest with myself - Nov 21st was a big giant F.U. to OW. At the time I had a suspicion but nothing proven. After I found out for sure (last week) it confirmed my feelings that night.
Deep down I knew that was the last time.
Inner circle = trust. emotionally.
X is NOT in my inner circle.
It's taken a long time and I'm not completely detached - but I have been able to be intimate with him in the past without any expectation. But the second I find out there is OW - I'm out. Never again. I don't sleep with other people's people.
Therapist said today "do not empathize with unsafe people. X has proven himself not to be safe."
Time to explore that and remain true to my beliefs and values.
I left X in my inner circle for too long. The peace that I have is that he violated my trust - so I don't regret it, just need to learn to trust myself more. Which is another process.
LH. I appreciate you!!!
Hope, I believe we are in the same graduating class here on DB
. I am still struggling with detachment, so your latest encounter with X is fascinating to me. I think your strength and candor are marvelous, and will be cheering you on.
I believe we are!! I think it's a journey (detachment) and as much as I try to get there, I find new areas I need to work on. I described it like a rope today. You don't just cut the rope, you have to work through cutting each individual strand. Having been with my X for more than 1/2 my life - it's understandable that it's a process.
Thanks for cheering me on! I love the support this place gives. <3
I am guessing that your faith, which shines through so wonderfully in your earlier post on this thread about the party guests, may have helped you a lot. DB is not a path for the spiritually impoverished, that's for sure.
Thank you for being here and take good care.
My faith is most definitely has sustained me. Especially on the darker days. Another work in progress.
Thank you so much and I pray that you are blessed today. With peace and joy in the midst of all of this.
When I'm honest with myself - Nov 21st was a big giant F.U. to OW. At the time I had a suspicion but nothing proven. After I found out for sure (last week) it confirmed my feelings that night.
So revenge is a dish best served with your private parts lol?
Deep down I knew that was the last time.
So you can predict the future? Who will win the Super bowl?
Inner circle = trust. emotionally.
X is NOT in my inner circle.
Can there be love without trust?
It's taken a long time and I'm not completely detached - but I have been able to be intimate with him in the past without any expectation. But the second I find out there is OW - I'm out. Never again. I don't sleep with other people's people.
Can you be in love with other people's people?
Therapist said today "do not empathize with unsafe people. X has proven himself not to be safe."
Your IC is very wise
Time to explore that and remain true to my beliefs and values.
Which are?
I left X in my inner circle for too long. The peace that I have is that he violated my trust - so I don't regret it, just need to learn to trust myself more. Which is another process.
All part of the journey
Well thank you. It's always nice to be appreciated!
So revenge is a dish best served with your private parts lol?!
Yeah....that's what I discussed with therapist. LOL He mentioned that he's concerned this type of action/thinking will "harden" me and that might not be a direction I want to go (it's def. not).
Going forward, leaving him to do what he does and with whom and keeping myself out of the chaos. Joining in isn't good for me.
So you can predict the future? Who will win the Super bowl?!
Apples/oranges. Knowing something about yourself - accepting it and trusting it isn't predicting.
Somewhere along the way I stopped trusting myself. That's been the #1 theme for me in IC.
So re Nov. 21 - When it was over - I listened to myself and trusted that this was not the man he used to be/I thought he was - whatever. He is who he is now, and that is not a person I want to hitch my wagon to - in any sense.
Can there be love without trust?!
Of course! How do we love addicts, alcoholics, adulterers? From a safe distance/lovingly detach.
I think the line is - can I have a relationship with someone who has violated my trust? NO.
Can I love them anyway and allow them the freedom to live their own life ? YES
Can I let them close to me in any way emotionally? NO
Can you be in love with other people's people?!
No, but you can ** them! (Kidding, kind of). I will not share a man, was my point, and I will not cheat.
My beliefs...so many - but regarding this situation
I believe:
- infidelity is wrong and hurts more than just the two people in the R.
- honesty is critical for a healthy R.
- trust is earned by behaviors over time.
- we can grow from (censored) experiences.
- this does not define me.
- I am a separate independent person who does not need a person to feel complete.
- peace comes from allowing others the freedom to make their own choices in life
- accepting others for who/what they are is love.
- boundaries are loving and necessary in any healthy relationship.
- no matter how dark the night feels, it doesn't last forever.
- we can find contentment in any circumstance if we choose to.
For years you've lived by a certain set of rules -- that if you're a good husband, you can count on your wife supporting you.
Because you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.
When that's suddenly ripped away and you can't understand (a) what you did to make it fall apart so suddenly, (b) why the person who used to be your partner seems to have had a complete personality change and (c) why you can't seem to do anything to make it better, it is totally destabilizing.
Your brain doesn't like this instability, and it doesn't like the unavailability of a remedy at all! Its panic-inducing.
Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.
Your brain convinces you that the quickest way to do that is to get your wayward spouse back. If you can do that, then all the old rules still apply and there was just a temporary blip on the radar.
As a result, your brain will compel you to want to pursue, and everything else is a justification to allow you to do what you want.
Step back and look at some of these situations -- a person's wife cheats on them for years with several OM's. If that comes to light, a rational person would say "this woman has issues" and head the other way right? But in reality, we see time and again that the LBS convinces themselves that this cheater is the best person in the world, and they want to have them back more than anything.
WHY? Because the loss of control is devastating. The loss of control is something our brains can't process or tolerate.
If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.
LH19 - grabbed that from another thread because it's GOLD.
Hope,
I believe:
- infidelity is wrong and hurts more than just the two people in the R.
- honesty is critical for a healthy R.
- trust is earned by behaviors over time.
- we can grow from (censored) experiences.
- this does not define me.
- I am a separate independent person who does not need a person to feel complete.
- peace comes from allowing others the freedom to make their own choices in life
- accepting others for who/what they are is love.
- boundaries are loving and necessary in any healthy relationship.
- no matter how dark the night feels, it doesn't last forever.
- we can find contentment in any circumstance if we choose to.
I love this. It all resonates so much with me. I'm copying it to my phone.
Thank you for sharing it... and you're amazing. You're being brutally honest with yourself and are sharing all of that here. It is okay to not be 100% detached yet but you are making so much progress, it is inspiring to see. I mean, who wouldn't have an evil little grin when their x is texting you inside jokes etc? And an evil grin is faaaar more detached than a racing heart and thinking OMG does this MEAN SOMETHING?? I'm sure there are people out there who never have that evil little grin stage but they probably aren't much fun
Sleeping with him as part of a FU to the OW or marking your territory-- eh, we've all been there. i mean again, I know people exist who can turn it off with a flip of a switch as soon as they find out their S cheated or maybe cheated, but those folks probably aren't here on the DB boards!
Forgive yourself, you know what direction you want to take for yourself going forward and it isn't that one. You got this.
xx M
haha! May you made me laugh.
Possibly marking my territory - although it didn't feel like it at the time, and I've never been one to pee in a circle around a man - could have been driven to it had I not found this community and IC. ; )
I do have a new motto going forward "You can flirt with my man if you want to..if he flirts back, you can keep him."
One reason I am going back and forth on even casual dating for now is that X flirted constantly with anyone and everyone and I don't want anything to do with that. Constant attention seeking. Truly, I would rather be alone than be around that. Turns my stomach.
The evil grin....YES!! That was more like it even with the sleeping with him TBH. I'm dating myself but there was a song in the late 80's early 90's "Boom I got your boyfriend. I got your man" Lord forgive me for liking that. LOL The beat is funny the song is a howrecker tune...but anyway - That's where my head was.
That's what my IC was trying to tell me and you've summed it up. He cautioned it would harden me. It didn't completely make sense until you put it like that. It was about rubbing her nose in the fact that I'm a threat. But the fact is, I'm not the threat - I don't want him and as part of my beliefs - I can't do this anymore because it's using X. I don't want to do that.
It is not the direction I want to be headed! At this point anything tying me to him emotionally needs to go.
x
The ex is always the number one threat.
Right!! But I can choose to disengage and then it's on OW to perceive me how she will and X in how he moved forward without me.
LH - your questions/comments have really made me dig deep.
Something that came to my mind while working though this - X had said to me at one point "You are a real impediment to anyone I would have a relationship with in the future. I've loved you my whole life and will until the day I die. She would have to accept that."
In my mind at the time, I kind of blew it off. (believe none of what they say..etc.)
But I know for a fact that if I called him right now he would rush over and be here. That, he has been consistent in. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for me at this point if I asked. And that's been the weirdest thing through this whole process.
Instead of giving me the warm fuzzies...it just reminds me that he isn't trust worthy or safe. He left me to be with someone else (for whatever reason) but continues to try and remain my BFF.
Don't know if it's part of MLC or what but he won't stop talking to anyone and everyone about the past. Our past. His coworkers do not even know that we are divorced unless I tell them. A lady at my DIL's office said that he still talks about me like we are still married.
More than cake eating - it's like he wants to keep me as a trophy - while seeing other women. Break from reality, IMO. Pretty messed up and I don't want to be a part of that. Even peripherally.
All of this makes me so grateful to be in my own safe little world out of the chaos he invites into his life. Now I just need to stay the course and not invite him back in.
These are good reminders to not engage if/when it comes up again.
x
I think it gets lost on these boards sometimes but a person can love someone and not want to be with them anymore.
Sometimes people just stop growing together and want different things in life.
It could be that simple but here on the board we have to label it. I mentioned on another thread that I read once that people like to label breakups with MLC, WW etc so they can continue to love someone who has inflicted so much pain on them.
Sometimes relationships just run their course. I think statements like that are taboo on this board.
I remember reading that comment about labeling MLC!!!! I walked it out in my head.
In the beginning, and for a long time, I needed my X to have MLC, PTSD or a tumor or [i]something!/i], anything because I couldn't reconcile a man I had spent 23 years with just up and destroying all of our lives like this (his particularly).
But with time, it failed to matter. I didn't need that 'something' - I needed to accept that he has behaviors that are unacceptable to me. No matter the reason why or a possible medical diagnosis: he no longer shares my values and he no longer values me.
I had to actually list - over and over - my M as it was in the end and not the fairytale I was imagining due to being discarded. Most of us struggle with that. Several posters are doing it right now. Clinging to a relationship that is harmful, hurtful and unsafe. But I had to get there in my own time and in my own way, and so do they.
I had be completely real and honest about what our MR was - and not what I wanted it to be nor what it was for the first 15 years. While X was rewriting history - it appeared so was I - swinging the pendulum to the opposite direction.
I remember thinking one day - I wouldn't go on a second date with X, let alone a MR or LTR. A lot of healing came with that realization. But also a lot of grief. It was sad to let him go. But reality was what it was and I was strong enough to admit it.
But the love remains. And it's not because he's father of my children etc. It's because I choose to. I grew up with and shared more than 1/2 of my life with that man. Yes, he changed. His behaviors now, who he is now, fundamentally - mean that I have to stay away from him - physically and emotionally.
I have peace with this type of love, but it took time and work to get here. I want to choose for myself what I do going forward - taboo or not, accepted by others or not, agreed with or not - because I've earned that (censored) right.
I like your style Hope.
I can’t get there. My exw has done too much damage and continues to treat my kids in a disrespectful manner. Maybe someday on the other side.
It is nice when the rose colored glasses come off.
I can’t get there. My exw has done too much damage and continues to treat my kids in a disrespectful manner. Maybe someday on the other side.
I respect this honesty. Also - you know what you need to do for you. The beauty of trusting yourself.
It is nice when the rose colored glasses come off.
Yes!!! I wish there was a machine to zap all the LBS's with this, but the journey is part of it. It's just painful to watch.
I like your style, too. You have really made me dig deep this past week! Thanks.
So hope what does loving from a distance look like to you? Not judging just curious.
Loving from a distance:
NOT waiting for him to 'snap out of it' or 'be the man I married'.
I accept him for who he is, but I do not accept the behaviors to or towards me - I removed myself from his life.
No enabling - I'm not his shoulder to cry on. (I slipped up a little a few days ago.)
Complete honesty (I don't approve of his behavior) without judgement or condemnation. I said what I said and quit talking about it.
Accepting who I am (or NOT) in his life now. I'm part of his past. I can't act like his friend, confidant, source of comfort etc.
Respecting that he gets to make his own choices even though I can see him driving off a cliff. (this is HARD!!! and takes time and work!!)
Focusing on myself and my own issues and continue to do the work to be AWOAFWL.
NOT dependent on him for ANYTHING. Emotional, financial, physical. I do not 'need' him to meet my needs. I am fully capable of taking care of myself. Taking responsibility for my own feelings and needs.
Not being co-dependent! (this is a whole list on it's own). Since we married as teenagers, this was tough!
I don't cover for him, or get in the way of his relationships with our family (3 sons, 2 DILs and 3 1/2 grands).
Respect him as a person - even though I've lost all respect for his behavior. This can be how I speak about him (or avoid speaking about him) to friends & family. This is still being firm but kind when we do have to communicate.
Not leading him on anymore or being available. That's the most loving thing I can do right now.
Thank you for your openness.
This is interesting because I am at where you are at with everything you wrote except “respect her as a person”.
It’s not because the decision to divorce me. It’s other behaviors including how she treats my kids at times
But as the saying goes her “without respect there can be no love”.
That is why I am not of the opinion that I am loving from a distance.
You might not be, that's ok IMO.
My X has always been an amazing dad. His love for them is unconditional. No question. If he was a (censored) dad - I don't know that I would do.
To clarify - I respect him as a person. Period. Full Stop.
I don't respect any of his behaviors and as long as they continue I am happy to stay far far away from him.
I was a good wife. I was faithful and loyal and took excellent care of him, house, kids, ranch etc. I had eyes for no one but him. He's not terribly attractive anymore but I always saw Thor when I looked at him. I took care of myself and was an amazing mom.
But I was hard after the BD in 2011. I was battling demons and spewed it out all over him. In 2016 I lost my sister and lost my mind. I battled depression for years (before my sister died, losing her was when I spiraled). I tried different therapists, meds - you name it. It took 7 years! (he said 18 months to late, but whatever) Side note - EMDR therapy saved my life. Treatment for PTSD. I HIGHLY recommend it.
This might sound confusing - I had depression prior to his affairs in 2011. It took until around 2015 for us to truly reconnect. In 2016 lost my sister - spiraled. Around the same time I was seeing 'attention-seeking behavior' on his part. BD #2 2017 - I found EMDR therapy and excellent IC.
Sometime before BD #2 I remember one day he said "I have been deployed 3x, I've been shot at (he listed out so many things that would terrify most people) - But a little 5'4" woman terrifies me." And I could see it in his eyes. He was terrified of me. Little did I know that he was dealing with internal chaos already. But I was in the pit and didn't notice. I just thought he was cruel for shoving my mistakes in his face.
When I saw an inappropriate text - I would lose it! Screaming and carrying on like the world was ending - and to be fair, he had zero coping skills (then or now) and would do things to twist me up. I.e. One time I was crying on the floor and he said "look at you. Ridiculous. You need help".
Now - some could (and did) argue that he didn't have big enough britches to be my partner, and they would be right. He needed to work on his stuff (and obviously didn't) turned to alcohol and women to solve his problems. He has zero boundaries and people have tried to tell him, but now he is so far out there IDK what rock bottom will have to look like for him.
So instead of wishing that things could have been different, and that I might have found good help sooner, and that he would have gotten help at all --- I can accept that it happened how it was supposed to and be thankful for the healing in my own life. My rock bottom was my biggest blessing. It was what I (apparently) needed when as someone put it - I refused to grow so life made it impossible not to.
I think my compassion also comes from knowing how he would feel about himself if he could take an honest look at himself. I've said it before - he said he hates himself. I believe him. I would, too.
I know how I felt when I started peeling back my layers. I did a lot that I was ashamed of. That pain of facing that was almost unbearable. I can have compassion without empathy. That's where I am today. Learning the difference.
I told him at our last R talk (couple years ago) that I wish he would have treated my depression/PTSD as "precious". He scoffed and said "Nothing about that is precious!!" But I said - treat it as precious in that you care for me and protect me. You don't do anything or allow anyone else to throw fire on me.
Today - I can do that for myself. But I know with certainty that any R I have in the future - I'm going to be straight up with the guy and say - what are your coping skills? lol If I spin out - do you have boundaries? Are you sure enough in who YOU are that you understand that my depression (if it comes back) has nothing to do with you?
Holy cannoli I got wordy!!
Also - I just ordered Gates of Fire!!!!
Hope you sound like you were an amazing W.
Now you got me thinking. Can you respect a person but not there behaviors? Is a person’s behaviors the reason you respect them in the first place. Kinda thinking out loud.
Interesting discussion.
I'm starting a new career next week. I will have to show respect to every individual I come into contact with. With the exception of routine calls and calls for assistance - they will be violating the law. For these people - I am meeting them at possibly the worst moment of their lives. I don't need them to respect me as a person to show respect. And that doesn't mean that I won't take them to jail - but during our interaction I can choose to treat them with dignity and respect. I think of it like this - how do I want my family treated if they were in the violator's shoes? Even if my family member was being a total dirtbag.
I found this quote: "Respect, like trust, has to be earned, no doubt, but when we are gracious enough to bestow the respect to others first, even when they don’t deserve it, we are essentially practicing respect towards ourselves and showing others how to respect us appropriately."
"when we practice mutual space and respect to people, even those we dislike or cannot tolerate, we are not only building on our tolerance, but also demonstrating our graciousness by showing others that we respect ourselves enough to not be on the same page as them."
You know what they say here - we can only control ourselves. That's my goal.
I get it but would it be logical to say “ I respect Charles Manson or Hitler”?
I wouldn't torture them to death. That's the only respect they get from me.
I think it's still a choice.
I was sexually assaulted. At the end of it - I wanted him in jail. Certain family members wanted him dead. Probably still do. Justice vs. vengeance along with respect.
None of us were "wrong" in our desires, IMO.
I'm not a hunter but the hunters I know aim for an instant kill - they don't let an animal suffer. There is no torturing them to death - they respect the animal. Animals do nothing to "earn" respect.
Now it could be argued that Manson & Hitler deserve to suffer - and I won't argue that. But that goes with my faith as well. And who I want to be inside.
I wanted vengeance at one time. I wanted a lot of things. Some times still have those thoughts - but deep down, who do I want to be? Still a choice I get to make every day.
I’m really sorry that happened to you hope. You did an amazing job at over coming adversity.
Truthfully I don’t need vengeance, I don’t love from a distance, I don’t hate from a distance, I just need peace.
She’s been bitten by the karma bug and although it makes me smirk I just keep on keeping on.
I have to live my best life and as my signature says “the right people will come and stay”.
Thanks, LH.
I like where you are FWIW. It's honest and neutral. I might do better to be more neutral and drop the love - but that's where I am today. And that's still all I try and focus on. Might be interesting to see where I am in 10 years.
I smirked too about getting karma. Not gonna lie! lol
I love your tagline. I remember it from when I first started posting and leaned into it. I needed that reminder because my self esteem was in the toilet and XH had gone over and over and over my "list of iniquities" to the point where I just felt worthless.
I think that's where a lot of LBSs are when they come here. That it's all on us. If we would have x, or y, or z and the target moves and we try and work on q, and that's not enough. It's good to see people embrace this.The right people WILL come and stay. Our identity and worth can't come from others.
Journaling,
Amazing day! Signed up for cross-fit! I start Monday. Have been running and not much else. Time to get strong. They are very nice there and the owner said that the people there are mostly working professionals around my age. Hallelujah! I live in a college town and it will be nice to meet people in my age group.
A sweet neighbor helped me clear ice off of my car last week. Young man (20 something). He is now parking next to me so I went and got him a little gift card for gas or whatever. I was struggling that day emotionally, and his kindness meant so much to me!
Treated myself to an over-priced soup & sandwich and spent a while at the book store. Purchased "Gates of Fire", and the movies "300" and "This is 40".
I would like to join a book club, but Covid.
I was supposed to go on a hike today with a new hiking group but it fell through.
Looking so forward to getting to work! Tentative start date is the 25th but if paperwork goes through - maybe sooner. Too much time right now to think and I can only run so often.
Grocery shopped and a man approached me in the cat isle. We chatted about cats (I'm sitting for my son's cat) and it was just nice to talk to a human.
Then I ran into him again in the rice isle and I think he may have flirted with me!
Don't worry, y'all - I didn't pounce. rawr. lol
Cleaned up the apartment and excited about a new book and movie a little later.
I haven't been able to read like I used to. My brain jumps too much. I think my anxiety is down, so I'm gonna give it a go.
Spoke with DIL and will pick up the grands tomorrow. 8 & 4 y/o and they are so much fun. They love coming here and I love my time with them.
Overall a great day. Enjoy reading here and discussions with my people. You are all my people and I appreciate you so much!
Have a great night!
If your looking for interesting podcasts listen to Peter Crone on YouTube.
I adopted one of his quotes:
What happened happened and it couldn’t happen any other way because it didn’t. If you can really get it and understand it and accept it, it’s a game changer.
Pretty sure the majority were destined for this path on their wedding day. Every LBS did the best they could with the tools they had. The frustrating part is watching people who don’t learn from their mistakes and keep doing the same thing over and over.
I’m sure you’re on the right path. I was very impressed with your exchange with your ex. You’re going to be fine.
May I ask how old you are?
What happened happened and it couldn’t happen any other way because it didn’t. If you can really get it and understand it and accept it, it’s a game changer.
I LOVE this!!
Thanks for the recommendation - I like Jordan Peterson a LOT.
46 - 47 in April. I used to have a signature but I don't know what happened to it.
Cross Fit is awesome! Don’t get frustrated it’s very difficult at first.
Add “Feeling Stronger Every day.” By Chicago to your running play list.
I like Jordan Peterson too but he’s intense and I can only take it doses.
46 and three grandchildren. I’m 52 and have a 12 year old.
Yeah....we started early and so did 2 of our kids. Have another grand due this summer!
How is your 12 doing?
Oh! Chicago! My very first boyfriend and I used to sing Chicago in his car. Memories! I'm a terrible singer but he never minded. sigh
Yes, Peterson is WAY intense. I love it! Bought his book 12 Rules but my 19y/o is reading it first. I didn't have the mental bandwidth to keep up right now.
Hey Hope, I guess you're going into LE soon. I was LE for a while in TN.
Forget the academy BS. Listen to your FTOs. The only things worth anything from the academy are law, medical, DT, survival, and the range. Everything else is garbage.
Always stop at intersections when code. Always wear your seatbelt.
Make time to see a IC at least once a month if you can.
Never date anyone on the job, even at another station.
Once you are out on your own, use passenger side approach every time you can.
Watch their hands. Learn pre-flight and pre-fight indicators.
If your agency does not supply a TQ, buy your own.
Everyone lies, it's not personal.
Trust your gut, it's always right.
Go home every day.
Crossfit is really a game changer! As LH said, be patient.
Start slow (a few weeks) and learn your weak spots. Especially with OL.
Then just go all in on everything your coach puts in front of you!
Yeah....we started early and so did 2 of our kids. Have another grand due this summer!
How is your 12 doing?
Oh! Chicago! My very first boyfriend and I used to sing Chicago in his car. Memories! I'm a terrible singer but he never minded. sigh
Yes, Peterson is WAY intense. I love it! Bought his book 12 Rules but my 19y/o is reading it first. I didn't have the mental bandwidth to keep up right now.
She’s doing great! She’s struggling with COVID because she’s a social butterfly. She’s like my best friend in that we can talk about anything from politics to religion etc. she’s struggles with her mom right now but I have been told that’s normal for her age. My children have transitioned very well. Divorce definitely does not destroy the children like I have read. They follow the parents lead.
Hi Joe - Yes, going into LE. Couldn't pay the bills as a housewife/ranch hand! lol Thank you for the tips! All excellent advice. Re: passenger side contact - I'm def. concerned about getting hit by a car. Probably all the videos they showed during traffic. Yikes! People really don't pay attention to where they drive.
RE: dating - nope. There is a thing my uncle used to say - I've not been able to find it but it's like "Don't ride your mule, don't work your horse" ?? I wish I could find the original. My dad always said "non sputare nel piatto dove mangi" lol AKA don't get honey where you make the money. Wise words!
Mumin - Thanks! I'm glad I start this week so if they wreck me I have a few days to recover. I'm looking forward to getting stronger. I think will help with my mood, too. That's the hope.
LH - - it's amazing how much they notice even when we don't think they do. I've found a more authentic relationship with them all now that I'm not trying to 'protect' their dad. And I have a lot of free time since I stepped out of the role as XH's Image Management Consultant. I don't trash him, of course, but I don't say a word when they get into it.
I learned late that I had no business interfering in their relationships anyway. I always thought that we built each other up in a M and that I was being loving and supportive when I was on my X's 'team'. Part of my more painful growth periods. Realized I was garbage at validation to my kids.
Consequences. My adult kids are having a lot of struggles with X. No, D doesn't destroy them - but it has a profound impact on the the R between kids and parents. It's been my observation that it strengthens with the LBS & deteriorates with the WAS in a lot of situations.
Hope,
Crossfit sounds challenging. I definitely plan to restart my workout routine once I return home. About a year prior to our S, I started working out with my W, as it is something she is totally into, as a way to spend QT with her. I really got into it and lost 30lbs. I've managed to keep the weight off but haven't worked out since the beginning of Covid.
Mar,
It will be a challenge for sure! My friend has been on me to try it but I was in the academy and had nothing left at the end of the day. lol Don't tell anyone, but I think CrossFit might be a little culty ; )
Great job on the 30#!! I highly recommend exercise during this and really as something we all incorporate into our GAL. It's nice to feel strong physically and def. helps with the emos coming at us.
I just commented on your thread. I'm hoping more vets will show up, as well.
How nice would it be if we could all be closer and work out together or have a book club or something. I'm wondering if there are any meet ups for DBers.
Hi 97Hope! Thought I'd pop over and say hi. Just got caught up on your thread and I'll be thinking about you on the 25th! How empowering! (For the record, I'm 49-50 near year end. D4 will be 5 in a few months. Love that we'll both be turning 5 the same year..lol..)
I really relate to a lot of what you're feeling, especial when it comes to missing human touch, and not so much the emotional stuff. But hey, sounds like when the time is right you'll have no problem attracting humans..lol..
"Don't dip your pen in company ink". Another saying regarding dating at work..lol..
Have a good one
Another one:
Don’t $hit where you eat lol
HA!!!
"non sputare nel piatto dove mangi" is Italian for that, LH! I just hate it in English
CanB - The problem is I've been attracting too young and too old - the age-appropriate men that have shown interest were X's 'friends' or total dirtbags. (wanna see a pic of my giant member? ) Truly. A guy I know asked me that. Um. No. Go away. Gah. That was awkward. I did laugh at one of them when he asked me out I said, No. You and X are friends and he said "We aren't that close"
-------------------------------------
There is a guy that lives about an hour away that my friends were telling me about. At the time I wasn't interested in dating yet. My friends say that he is a "good" man.
Spoke with IC about this at last appointment and he said I was def. ready to start dating. Woo hoo!!
Told my friends and they are going to have us both over for a cookout or something. I like that idea and have actually felt pretty good about it. I like that my trusted friends (she and husband have been my rock through this, even went to d court with me) know him well. She is like my 'twisted sister' and her husband has helped me off of more than a few ledges emotionally. Love them dearly - trust them without question. Feels like the perfect set up for where I am.
He worked with friend - they are both jet pilots. That's probably my only concern. A part of me is scared. I know it's from being married to someone who started out as a warehouse clerk and became a very successful, high-profile career guy - there are certain careers that really draw attention and that makes me uneasy. My own stuff to work through. Obs my friend is also a pilot and not at all flirty, unfaithful, etc...
I know, realistically, it was my X that was the cheater - and a job doesn't make you one. But I'm processing this as it comes.
I will meet him and see. I like that I'm just going to meet him and not a date.
Good news is (and discussed with my IC). I'm not the girl I was. I understand red flags. I don't "need" a boyfriend so there is no fear of holding on to an unsafe person for any reason.
It's just another example of how adultery just really fks with the head and heart.
And finally - since he is a pilot, he doesn't have a fk**** beard! X had one since 1995 and I just can't with them. That's probably silly but whatever. I'll own it and I'm not willing to work through that one. LOL
------------------------------------
Anyway....my GAL was cancelled today. Was supposed to hang out with 2 of my grands, but the little was exposed to a friend whose dad has a confirmed case. I think we all had it back in Dec 2010 - the entire school district closed down - 200 kids in one day called in. They closed the school for 2 weeks and haven't had a case since this started.
I'm going to clean my patio furniture. I made a very nice place to sit out there and I've noticed spider webs and gunk - I've been putting it off but it's time I spend more time out there then in here.
I have the most lovely view of the pool here at my complex. It's very much like living in a nice resort. Not fancy - just very pretty and nice.
It felt like God's provision for me as when I started looking at places to live in 2019 all they had were parking lot views and I REALLY didn't want that!! I literally prayed that God would not give me a parking lot view.
My X pulled some things and I had to move Oct 2020 - and wouldn't you know it - this opened up! Even the apt manager was surprised at the timing.
When I'm walking around here with the blinds open I see a beautiful courtyard and the stunning blue water and it's so healing.
Also going to run today. I usually run every other, but I'm not convinced they won't kill me tomorrow. LOL
Hope everyone is having an amazing Sunday!! Find the joy in today!! For me, it's an extra slice of bacon.
HA!!!
"non sputare nel piatto dove mangi" is Italian for that, LH! I just hate it in English
CanB - The problem is I've been attracting too young and too old - the age-appropriate men that have shown interest were X's 'friends' or total dirtbags. (wanna see a pic of my giant member? ) Truly. A guy I know asked me that. Um. No. Go away. Gah. That was awkward. I did laugh at one of them when he asked me out I said, No. You and X are friends and he said "We aren't that close"
-------------------------------------
There is a guy that lives about an hour away that my friends were telling me about. At the time I wasn't interested in dating yet. My friends say that he is a "good" man.
Spoke with IC about this at last appointment and he said I was def. ready to start dating. Woo hoo!!
Told my friends and they are going to have us both over for a cookout or something. I like that idea and have actually felt pretty good about it. I like that my trusted friends (she and husband have been my rock through this, even went to d court with me) know him well. She is like my 'twisted sister' and her husband has helped me off of more than a few ledges emotionally. Love them dearly - trust them without question. Feels like the perfect set up for where I am.
He worked with friend - they are both jet pilots. That's probably my only concern. A part of me is scared. I know it's from being married to someone who started out as a warehouse clerk and became a very successful, high-profile career guy - there are certain careers that really draw attention and that makes me uneasy. My own stuff to work through. Obs my friend is also a pilot and not at all flirty, unfaithful, etc...
I know, realistically, it was my X that was the cheater - and a job doesn't make you one. But I'm processing this as it comes.
I will meet him and see. I like that I'm just going to meet him and not a date.
Good news is (and discussed with my IC). I'm not the girl I was. I understand red flags. I don't "need" a boyfriend so there is no fear of holding on to an unsafe person for any reason.
It's just another example of how adultery just really fks with the head and heart.
And finally - since he is a pilot, he doesn't have a fk**** beard! X had one since 1995 and I just can't with them. That's probably silly but whatever. I'll own it and I'm not willing to work through that one. LOL
------------------------------------
Anyway....my GAL was cancelled today. Was supposed to hang out with 2 of my grands, but the little was exposed to a friend whose dad has a confirmed case. I think we all had it back in Dec 2010 - the entire school district closed down - 200 kids in one day called in. They closed the school for 2 weeks and haven't had a case since this started.
I'm going to clean my patio furniture. I made a very nice place to sit out there and I've noticed spider webs and gunk - I've been putting it off but it's time I spend more time out there then in here.
I have the most lovely view of the pool here at my complex. It's very much like living in a nice resort. Not fancy - just very pretty and nice.
It felt like God's provision for me as when I started looking at places to live in 2019 all they had were parking lot views and I REALLY didn't want that!! I literally prayed that God would not give me a parking lot view.
My X pulled some things and I had to move Oct 2020 - and wouldn't you know it - this opened up! Even the apt manager was surprised at the timing.
When I'm walking around here with the blinds open I see a beautiful courtyard and the stunning blue water and it's so healing.
Also going to run today. I usually run every other, but I'm not convinced they won't kill me tomorrow. LOL
Hope everyone is having an amazing Sunday!! Find the joy in today!! For me, it's an extra slice of bacon.
Hope,
Take it from someone who has been dating on and off for 2 years. Do not worry about what he does for a living. Do not worry about what your friends say about him. Meet him and see if there is chemistry for a real date. You may have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Prince Charming.
I do not frogs. Bleck.
But I hear ya. And I'm not going to stress over it or I'll take out all of the fun! And it's not even scheduled yet. lol
sometimes I wear myself out!
Today was amazing. Extra slice of bacon, cleaned the patio off. Bought some shelves, assembled them with my boyfriend, YouTube, and then disassembled and reassembled because I did it wrong the first time.
Organized the utility room and guest closet and now I will spend about a week and 1/2 trying to remember where I put everything that I organized.
Went for a run but was winded after a mile so - alt. between run/walk. Weather was perfect.
S19 is here. He spends 3/3 between his D's and here. Said that his dad had made food for me but he didn't think I would want food from "Slutty McSluttington" I laughed
He was reminiscing a lot about key times where it was just the two of us. I think he's processing everything. I let the comment go. He will find his way.
Read a little Gates Of Fire but keep getting distracted.
Crossfit tomorrow and need to find another GAL for the week.
Not sure but I might be turning into a floozy. While at home depot getting shelves I kind of flirted back with a guy.
Hope everyone is having a beautiful evening! x
Hey Hope, your posts usually make me smile, thanks!
Will spend some time going through your history tonight.
From my journal - 8/4/20
******************************
Every situation is different, which makes it harder to figure out what's best for us. I don't regret standing - I did what I felt was right at the time with the information I had at the time. I have grown so much stronger and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, whereas before - I was a shell of the woman I am now.
I took time evaluating what I want in life. I spent all of my energy in therapy, learning about grief, reading true stories from other people in my situation - I'm Christian so there was the whole Biblical angle for me, personally and reading what God says about adultery. (He hates it, BTW and has divorced His people over it).
Early days, I started drinking a lot of water and quit drinking alcohol. Just to help me see clearly. Then I started working out for my physical health. That also helped my mental health. I signed up for a 5k. (I am the opposite of a runner LOL). It's amazing what we believe we can't do until we do it.
My point is, start with what you can do. You can drink adequate water every day, right? It helps to make good choices for ourselves - it empowers us. When something breaks around the house - google a video on how to fix it and do it! If you mess up, call someone to help you.
Those little things helped me get my power back. I had given my spouse all of my power. I didn't even get to decide - as a grown woman - where the money was spent, where/when we went for fun etc. what kind of flowers we planted. Sure, he would ask my opinion, but ultimately - He was big on control and I was so conditioned, it took a long trek out of the fog to realize how much I gave him.
I chose - for MYSELF - what I wanted in life. And it wasn't spending another second with a man who did not respect me and who hurt me, lied to me, and had little to no value for me as a human.
I was the one to file for divorce, but I had to get there on my own. I had to be honest about what I was willing to accept from my partner. It was brutal, painful and most of all - FREEING. I promise that whatever you decide, you will survive. But if you take some time, take care of yourself, focus on your healing - you will THRIVE.
I am convinced that - to the point of this article (why did we stay?) - we stay because we accept what we think we deserve. Secondly, we stay because we accept far less from a spouse than we would ever accept from a potential suitor. I spent a lot of time evaluating my boundaries and realizing that because of a marriage license - I was willing to have zero boundaries. I am interested to know if other LBSs that stay also have no boundaries with other family members.
Once I began my healing journey I started evaluating boundaries with every relationship in my life, I saw where healthy, safe relationships existed, and I let go of the rest.
One last bit of advice I wish I had back then....Your timing, not theirs. They were unfaithful. They do not get to control the timeline on your grief or your recovery. That is why I suggest a divorce. Your marriage is dead. Whether you want to marry this same person again some day is a choice ONLY you can make. You wouldn't be asking around if you truly believed that you are in a safe relationship, because right now, you aren't.
I wish I could hug you from here. I know how painful this is. Find a non-judgmental friend that will hold you accountable and remind you of your worth and value. It does not and must not come from the person who violated and betrayed you.
Yes, it is scary.
Yes, it hurts.
Yes, we worry about our kids, grandkids, extended family.
Financially, it's a blow.
Money can be made. Peace can not be bought.
Would you date a person that cheated in a previous relationship? You might consider it. But in reality, I think we give spouses FAR too much leeway. We don't set high expectations for them and their treatment of us, therefore, they don't treat us how we deserve. Remember - people will treat you with the respect and integrity that you allow.
I have no regrets. I stood - because it was what I wanted. His treatment of me does not diminish me, it diminishes him.
Anyone want to weigh in? Drafting a letter to X. (names have been changed)
*****************************
Dear Cheater McSluttypants,
It appears you have changed the status on xxxxx to where I am no longer covered through xxxx.
This presents a problem for me as we are supposed to continue to operate under the temporary orders, per the Judge’s ruling. Had I known in advance that you were updating your status to Divorced - I could have applied for Cobra insurance. You would still be responsible for that fee, per the temporary orders, but at least I would have coverage until such time as the divorce is actually, legally, final.
Either way - it was your responsibility to keep the status quo until the final decree has been signed.
I was advised that you have had sex with another or several other persons over the course of the past 3 1/2 years and as you know, I had sex with you on multiple occasions during that same time, the most recent being November 21.
Given that you have put me in a position to be exposed to any manner of sexually transmitted infections, I scheduled an STI screening with my health care provider.
The fee for STI exam/screening is $375.
Please transfer that amount to my account by Thursday, 21 January.
Sincerely,
Hope
Well that letter doesn't exactly exude detachment...which I get. Am glad you're mad tho instead of sad.
Just stick to heart of the issue which is the health insurance and ask him if he can change it back otherwise he is required to pay the Cobra costs.
Thanks ovrrnbw : )
Yes, I was pretty angry - but it's more of the same. He stopped paying everything right after our court date with the claim that "the divorce is final". Even though we had temporary orders and the judge wrote in his ruling that we were to remain under them until final decree was signed.
His attorney refused to sign off on final decree, so mine had to send it to judge without his signature and wait for another ruling. (We went to court on July 21 - we received the rendition on September 29 - sent the final decree to his attorney and he's just now saying he won't sign off on it. it's such a long process here. I think his atty is running the tab up knowing he has money. I negotiated a flat rate for mine.
I've let my attorney know, the problem is that I will have to wait for court date and nothing ever really happens when he violates the temp orders. He owes me over a month's salary (for me) - which is about 1/3 of his monthly - he's just entitled and selfish - nothing new.
Just decided to post here instead of sending it. I don't have any direct contact with him anymore aside from the last text exchange and even that left a bad taste in my mouth.
Now I'm rambling a little. Time to let this go and let my L handle it.
Thanks for the advice!!
Looking forward to this D being completely final.
Hope you are well!
hi Hope!!
I love the email but think it probably belongs in the write it and not send it category. I agree with over that better to just focus on the health insurance stuff (and/or say nothing and let your attorney handle it).
There is something really sh!tty about having to go get an STI screen for having sex with your own GD husband. I'm really sorry, Hope.
xx May
(((may))) Yes, it was more therapeutic. About the second I posted it I knew I wasn't going to send it. It was good to get it off my chest.
Have contacted attorney and he can do his thing. Or not. I'm going to have to see if I can get Cobra tomorrow because my insurance doesn't kick in until February 25. X was supposed to keep me on his until then.
There is something really sh!tty about having to go get an STI screen for having sex with your own GD husband. I'm really sorry, Hope.
So much this. Lessons learned. Onward and upward.
Pretty low-key day today.
Took care of some more admin work. Removed X from toll tag account. Sent him a brief text to give him a head's up. Didn't really want to because of him dropping me from insurance without notice, and also because I like to be petty betty. But I'm trying to go high whenever I am able. : )
He made it more complicated than it needed to be but I anticipated that - just sent the same statement in 2 different ways and then ignored the rest of his comments (mostly emojis. no idea.)
Signed up for my own Netflix account. Yes, I was still skeeving off of X's.
Last item of business will be separating the cell phones. I'll wait for that until final decree.
That should be the last thing I need to do to square it all away.
I did see where his assistant is following me on tiktok. Whatever. Follow away. I quit every other SM site because it was just too much. So many people that worked for or with him were on my FB and I didn't know who knew what. Also - my kids posted a family portrait 2 weeks after I moved out so that wasn't awesome.
GS1 is home from school so I will be spending the day with him tomorrow while my s27 goes to class. Looking forward to that.
Feel a little stagnant in this last week before work. Ready to work! Throw me in, coach!
In other news - looks like I'll meet the new guy in March - timing seems good. Friend is going to have a bbq and invite a couple of people. Sounds perfect to me. I've decided I'm calling him "Buuuuud" (like Rudy Huxtable's friend from the Cosby Show).
Hope everyone is finding the joy in today!
x
Having dreams every time I fall asleep. Wondering if it's an emo dump - or I need to process more.
I've been having recurring dreams for the past year or so - I'm always at X's house (it's not the ranch). He has a new family - I've only seen them one time.
One dream we were at security at an airport and he and OW and kids were all decked out in ski gear. (Not THE ow just knew it was an OW with 3 older kids). This was before I had proof of actual OW and her two young sons.
Then dream transitioned to his house and I was helping him find a corkscrew.
Several weeks later - I was at his new - very modern house, very beautiful - fancy even - and i remember thinking how nice his new house was. He was having a dinner party and I didn't even know why I was there. I was noticing that it wasn't his "style".
Last night - had 3 dreams.
We were at a resort and were saying goodbye. He was fine with it all but I was shattered. As we were walking through I was talking out loud about memories we shared there and how I couldn't imagine never returning again as a couple.
In each dream - he is ok with everything and I am falling apart. (It's actually the opposite IRL. He breaks down crying a lot)
Was in his house (they are all different) - we were moving out - separating our things, and his entire family was there, but our boys were still little and we had not told them. I had to tell them - and I had them all gathered on a couch - I had a daughter who wore glasses - and when I told her I was sobbing , almost could not speak. (I do not have a daughter). This little girls face was so precious and right before I told her I woke up. She was also a different race than I am. But she was definitely MY daughter.
Next time I fell back asleep - I was outside and his dad and gpa were out there (gpa passed away 10 years ago) and when I looked over at him, he was very concerned about me and held his arms out for me to run into.
Each time I wake up and I was just bawling in my dream, but it passes as soon as I wake up.
Just purging this out to think about later and wondering if something will click as I process it all.
Judge signed the decree!!!!!!! X's L didn't have time to object so we got it as I wanted it!!!!!
My L is filing a motion for retrial (we won't actually have a trial) but X lied under oath, owes me $$, and failed to disclose a few things. He said that I shouldn't have to appear - this should all be just between judge and L's. I'm cautiously optimistic.
If I don't get another dime, I came out better than the wimpy offer X gave me back in 2019. I sure wish I knew someone locally to go have dinner with and celebrate, since I don't - y'all raise a glass to my new life with me, please!
I did NOT think I would be here 3 1/2 years ago. But I am stronger, have a great career ahead of me and God has been faithful.
Congrats Hope!
Reading your post made me smile and I'm so happy things worked out in your favor.
On to the next chapter! Cheers!
Congratulations Hope! I'm so pleased for you. You're processing everything in a very healthy way and moving forward with a clean break. Kind of amazing considering you were still sleeping with the man in November! It may be 9am here in Australia, but I'm raising a glass to you
Hi Hope,
So excited for you! I've been following your sitch ("Slutty McSluttyPants!!). I'm having a glass of reserve zinfandel to celebrate other things tonight. I will have a sip in your honor.
Congrats, Hope!! Lots of great things to celebrate today!! I'm so happy for you!!
xx M
Thanks, Thornton, Scout, Warrior & May!!! You guys are the best in the west! <3
------------------------------
My attorney laughed at the letter and replied, "Sluttypants, Indeed!" Made me chuckle.
Well, I don't feel any different and I had a weird dream about showing up to my first day of duty and I was wearing brown open-toe chonklas and gray sweat pants. Yikes! lol (Alexa - remind me to wear proper pants on Monday!)
Had a text from X this morning:
"If you don’t have specific plans, I can pick up boys from school. Also, you got what appears to be a check from the XXX. If you give me your address, I can mail or I can have S19 bring it to you. Would prolly be around the same time. Just let me know."
No thank you. I will pick them up. Do you mind leaving letter in your mailbox and I'll grab it from there?
Sure. Should be able to.
Heaven forbid a yes/no answer. Let your yes be your yes! (Should I respond with that? I'm tempted!) Feels like a should opens up more discussion later. Trying to avoid that on my end.
His mailbox is on the way to the school. I will drive right by it, and S19 is out of town, and I don't really want to give my address. (I think it's a control thing for me).
S27 called and said that X has asked him about picking up the boys and S27 told him he would ask me, but X was insistent "No, no, I'll call mom." S27 asked what the word is for people who don't pick up on social cues.
Looking for a plan going forward that will help me grow and continue to detach and that will be the best for my entire family (within reason!) but you guys have been doing this for a lot longer.
Going forward, I think it would be best for me to plan through my kids, and leave X completely out of it. If he wants to see the grands, he can work it out with them. So I told S27 that and he agreed. I can't have this convo with X because it's pointless and will lead to a long drawn-out 'thing'.
I realize that some/most of you are dealing with Xs that are horrible. Mine is always "too nice" wants to be BFF's so I understand that this seems small. I realize it and at the same time, would love advice. As much as I get to a place of detachment - I'm not fully there. But progress is progress!
Heaven forbid a yes/no answer. Let your yes be your yes! (Should I respond with that? I'm tempted!) Feels like a should opens up more discussion later. Trying to avoid that on my end.
Sounds like control Hope. Just ignore.
His mailbox is on the way to the school. I will drive right by it, and S19 is out of town, and I don't really want to give my address. (I think it's a control thing for me).
Hmmmmmmm. A theme?
Looking for a plan going forward that will help me grow and continue to detach and that will be the best for my entire family (within reason!) but you guys have been doing this for a lot longer.
So this is where it gets a little confusing. Just the other day you told him you loved him baby but not his hat (lol Your words). Do you see why he could be confused and think your buddies?
Going forward, I think it would be best for me to plan through my kids, and leave X completely out of it. If he wants to see the grands, he can work it out with them. So I told S27 that and he agreed. I can't have this convo with X because it's pointless and will lead to a long drawn-out 'thing'.
He will eventually get the hint.
So this is where it gets a little confusing. Just the other day you told him you loved him baby but not his hat (lol Your words). Do you see why he could be confused and think your buddies?
Yes!!! You see what I do!?? I'm a mess and 1/2! I realize that I do this.
I know this and I do these things and I want to work on this.
Here's the thing - I think based on past behaviors
1. I confuse the heck out of him because I respond based on where I am.
2. He wants to be BFF's and I just want to be decent to each other. Cordial. Friendly not friends.
If I'm even a 'little' nice to him - he flies over and jumps in my lap.
Until I'm totally detached, I don't know how to do this. Ugh.
If you want him to understand you have to be consistent for a long period of time.
My exw sort of does the same thing. We could be NC for weeks/months then the minute it is halted due to contact about the kids, she thinks it’s open season until I ignore three or four texts in a row.
Until I'm totally detached, I don't know how to do this. Ugh.
Stick to business/logistics. No need for pleasantries, no need for niceties. You don't need hi's and byes. Think of it like you would if you were answering someone based on a craigslist ad. (sandi describes it as how you would act with the cashier at the store.)
If you want him to understand you have to be consistent for a long period of time.
My exw sort of does the same thing. We could be NC for weeks/months then the minute it is halted due to contact about the kids, she thinks it’s open season until I ignore three or four texts in a row.
THIS is exactly how it is!!! I was NC for 3 months. Completely. Then I was polite over an exchange of paperwork and he leapt in my lap.
You know it's a relief that I'm not alone in dealing with this! Yes. I'll work on being consistently consistent.
Steve85 - Ok, hear me out. This isn't an excuse, this is my project. My IC said to treat everyone like the cashier - and I did that for a week - at the next session we figured out the problem. Apparently it's not super great to know, not only the name of several cashiers - but their kids' names, favorite pass-times and pets. Apparently I get very close to dang near everyone and then I wear myself out. I think I'm "being nice" but it's really a boundary issue.
IC said "No wonder you are exhausted all the time!"
Somebody stop me! (I used to say that to myself when I was over-nice to the hot dog vendor.)
So this is a great point and I think I need to regroup and get back to basics. Hard to explain, but your comment reminded me of a major thing that I can work on. THANKS!!!
There is a waiter at a local restaurant and I was very nice a few times and now I can't even go back because he hangs out at my table and it gets awkward.
Onward and Upward!
Hope,
Just caught up on your thread. Congratulations!!!! I am so happy for you. I hope to be in your shoes sooner than later.
Mar
THIS is exactly how it is!!! I was NC for 3 months. Completely. Then I was polite over an exchange of paperwork and he leapt in my lap.
You know it's a relief that I'm not alone in dealing with this! Yes. I'll work on being consistently consistent.
So can you completely ignore a text from him? If so, does it make you feel uneasy?
[So can you completely ignore a text from him? If so, does it make you feel uneasy?
Yes.
Yes. Uneasy - I usually have to remind myself of his dirtbag behavior so I don't fall into the trap of not seeing him for who he really is.
Depending on the day - that can take .05 seconds or an hour and 1/2.
I'm generally a fun, funny kind person. So to change that and respond differently to a person I've known so long has been a challenge for me.
Success isn't touching a stove and "not get burned" or "not let it get to you"--that's a trap trauma survivors fall into, one I've fallen into, a subconscious desire to relive a trauma with a better outcome. Success is on a different path--learning not to touch the stove.
Breakups cause pain. Breakups don't have to cause suffering.
[ We are dealing with people who are willing to destroy families, spend tens of thousands of dollars, risk the loss of friends, reputation etc. - all to fill the void in their lives. All to "feel" better. Caring nothing for the devastation they leave in the wake.
This may be the truest statement I have ever read on this board.
Lovely day today.
CrossFit did, indeed, try and kill me. LOL It has been so much fun. The trainer/coach helps me with a plan suited for my level and everyone is extremely supportive and friendly.
Next week I work 8a-8p for the first week then 8p-8a until the end of time. It will be a nice challenge fitting in my workouts, but it is abundantly clear that I have work to do.
Met my S27 DIL Gs8 Gs4 for dinner. S19 went to X's house for dinner because XMIL is in town. Felt a moment of weirdness around that, but it passed. I don't think I need to unpack that tonight.
Still working through "Gates of Fire", but I continue to get distracted.
I miss reading so much. I haven't been able to really focus since this all started. One thing that I'm hopeful for about my future - getting back to my books.
GF said we are all set for my meet up with Buuuud. Told my mom tonight and she is almost as excited as I am!
Thank you to everyone here for supporting each other. It's a beautiful thing to see.
S19 came over today and packed up and left for Uni. I just sent him a letter to remind him to enjoy his final semester of freshman year. Leave all of this behind and focus on himself right now.
I listened as he got some things off of his mind. He is upset with X. Apparently, X had OW over for dinner several months ago, and S19 walked in and was taken completely by surprise. He had no idea of her. Now his siblings are saying that she's been around this entire time and he's conflicted. He goes back and forth. The date that he saw her in the dining room was 2 weeks after I moved out.
He was furious with X, but now is trying too get to a place of peace.
That's why I sent the letter. I hope he takes it to heart and just lives his life and leaves his dad to his own chaos.
S19, his best friend and his cousin went out for New Year's day. They came back to X's house to see OW's car in driveway. S19 refuses to spend the night under the same roof as her.
I have been praying a lot for strength to be there for S19. He's still my child, not quite independent, but not totally dependent. A young man, at an age where he is trying to figure out himself. Who he wants to be, etc. He's been protective of me and I don't want that for him. I've told him numerous times, not your job. I am your mom, I am here for you.
Song popped up during my run (I had it on spotify mix) - Dean Lewis "Be Alright"
Love the tune, the lyrics...
I know you love her, but it's over, mate
It doesn't matter, put the phone away
It's never easy to walk away, let her go
It'll be okay
But nothing heals the past like time
And they can't steal
The love you're born to find
Reminds me of the friends I have here and IRL that understand and encourage the necessary detachment.
So my immediate goals are:
kick it at my new job.
Come back home every night.
Continue detaching.
Be a rock for my kids (even though they are all way taller than me)
Trust in God's Will.