Still fighting... - 12/30/20 03:37 PM
Hi all,
Had to delete old threads, but I feel secure enough to come back. We've been together for almost 7 years, married for almost 3 years. No kids, no affairs of which I'm aware. (Thornton, May, Sage, LH19, Steve85, SamCal, and others had commented on my most recent thread, so some of this will sound familiar.).
Long story short, H left the home early this year after we went through a year and a half of really tough times. Those tough times largely started in me: a parent died in slow motion; I became hyper-sensitive, anxious, and developed a medical problem; I pulled away hard sexually and it led to a SSM; my H sometimes did things that felt insensitive; and that brought something out in me that was very destructive. I said very mean things to H about his past relationships, his self esteem, etc., and threatened divorce on many occasions. I also became generally argumentative, steam rolled over him a lot, kept bringing up past hurts, would withdrawal for days, and became sullen a lot of the time. He fought very very hard for us for about 5 months but still occasionally did things that felt insensitive, and then I would self destruct again. Early this year H announced that he didn't want to try anymore. I started IC, but a few months later he left. Within two months, he started asking for time together, and I agreed. Once a week turned into twice a week, and so on, and then he asked to move home. After he came home, I still had bouts where I would get too much into my head and get sullen and sad and anxious, but I was working on it in counseling, and I didn't self-destruct.
After about a month home, he left again, saying that he couldn't take how terrible he felt for the hurt he'd inflicted on me, and it was too much work. We have spoken several times, and he still often says he loves me and misses me, and has previously said that he can still really see a path forward for us. I melted down a few times emotionally (pleading, crying, etc.), but then got my head a bit. I left him alone for a week, and then H asked to have dinner, tried to kiss me, and then we had a Christmas together at his request. We spoke again after the Christmas get-together and he told me nothing had changed and the reason he left again was because of all of the trauma I inflicted and the pressure/anxiety he felt while he was home again. He also said he only saw a really small chance for us to be OK.
We spoke again yesterday. I finally admitted to him that I'd been working very hard in therapy for awhile now about something pretty heavy...some personality traits that I thought I'd overcome but the trauma of everything since the parent died plus everything that happened between us stirred it back up...and that I felt terrible for the hurtful things I said, and the general way I had treated him. I have been working very hard on that through reading and with my therapist...I have a deep deep fear of abandonment, and I have vulnerable traits that trigger to make me hypersensitive, argumentative, mean, anxious, etc...when I feel someone is in the midst of abandoning me or hurting me. My therapist has acknowledged that this kind of thing is very hard to treat, but that I've got a lot of insight and have made some real progress, and I'm still trying to keep make progress. Changing this kind of stuff is very hard. I feel very much like a broken person a lot of the time.
My H told me that he could see the changes I'd made, but that he'd still seen things that low-level reminded him of those traits that scare him. He also said that he's struggling a lot in his own IC with the things I said that were really mean over a year ago...he said that he still hears and gets fixated on them, and his biggest problem is that he actually believes them about himself. I validated and told him that the wire that was crossed in me that I'm working on so hard had me saying those things, and that I didn't really believe them to be true. He thanked me over and over for saying that. End of the call was more "I don't know if I want a divorce" and "I don't know if I can see a path forward"...he used to say unequivocally that he didn't want a divorce and could see a path, so that's not great. He said he's felt very sad since our Christmas thing, and its hard for him to see a path forward when he's sad. Still ILY and IMY.
I'm...struggling. A lot. The work that I feel I'm doing in IC is necessary, but very painful, and I have a lot of shame for the traits that rear up when I feel abandonment coming with someone I deeply care for. A part of what I'm dealing with in IC is accepting that, as those traits returned, they really ate up my identity, so figuring out who I am and what I like is hard when I'm in the thick of it....meaning that GAL can be hard too. That said, I've been trying. Some friends have pulled me into their pod and I spent Christmas with them, and then did an 8 mile hike with another old friend. I've been trying to exercise more. I need to focus more on GAL, but I feel very empty a lot of the time.
Thanks for listening.
Had to delete old threads, but I feel secure enough to come back. We've been together for almost 7 years, married for almost 3 years. No kids, no affairs of which I'm aware. (Thornton, May, Sage, LH19, Steve85, SamCal, and others had commented on my most recent thread, so some of this will sound familiar.).
Long story short, H left the home early this year after we went through a year and a half of really tough times. Those tough times largely started in me: a parent died in slow motion; I became hyper-sensitive, anxious, and developed a medical problem; I pulled away hard sexually and it led to a SSM; my H sometimes did things that felt insensitive; and that brought something out in me that was very destructive. I said very mean things to H about his past relationships, his self esteem, etc., and threatened divorce on many occasions. I also became generally argumentative, steam rolled over him a lot, kept bringing up past hurts, would withdrawal for days, and became sullen a lot of the time. He fought very very hard for us for about 5 months but still occasionally did things that felt insensitive, and then I would self destruct again. Early this year H announced that he didn't want to try anymore. I started IC, but a few months later he left. Within two months, he started asking for time together, and I agreed. Once a week turned into twice a week, and so on, and then he asked to move home. After he came home, I still had bouts where I would get too much into my head and get sullen and sad and anxious, but I was working on it in counseling, and I didn't self-destruct.
After about a month home, he left again, saying that he couldn't take how terrible he felt for the hurt he'd inflicted on me, and it was too much work. We have spoken several times, and he still often says he loves me and misses me, and has previously said that he can still really see a path forward for us. I melted down a few times emotionally (pleading, crying, etc.), but then got my head a bit. I left him alone for a week, and then H asked to have dinner, tried to kiss me, and then we had a Christmas together at his request. We spoke again after the Christmas get-together and he told me nothing had changed and the reason he left again was because of all of the trauma I inflicted and the pressure/anxiety he felt while he was home again. He also said he only saw a really small chance for us to be OK.
We spoke again yesterday. I finally admitted to him that I'd been working very hard in therapy for awhile now about something pretty heavy...some personality traits that I thought I'd overcome but the trauma of everything since the parent died plus everything that happened between us stirred it back up...and that I felt terrible for the hurtful things I said, and the general way I had treated him. I have been working very hard on that through reading and with my therapist...I have a deep deep fear of abandonment, and I have vulnerable traits that trigger to make me hypersensitive, argumentative, mean, anxious, etc...when I feel someone is in the midst of abandoning me or hurting me. My therapist has acknowledged that this kind of thing is very hard to treat, but that I've got a lot of insight and have made some real progress, and I'm still trying to keep make progress. Changing this kind of stuff is very hard. I feel very much like a broken person a lot of the time.
My H told me that he could see the changes I'd made, but that he'd still seen things that low-level reminded him of those traits that scare him. He also said that he's struggling a lot in his own IC with the things I said that were really mean over a year ago...he said that he still hears and gets fixated on them, and his biggest problem is that he actually believes them about himself. I validated and told him that the wire that was crossed in me that I'm working on so hard had me saying those things, and that I didn't really believe them to be true. He thanked me over and over for saying that. End of the call was more "I don't know if I want a divorce" and "I don't know if I can see a path forward"...he used to say unequivocally that he didn't want a divorce and could see a path, so that's not great. He said he's felt very sad since our Christmas thing, and its hard for him to see a path forward when he's sad. Still ILY and IMY.
I'm...struggling. A lot. The work that I feel I'm doing in IC is necessary, but very painful, and I have a lot of shame for the traits that rear up when I feel abandonment coming with someone I deeply care for. A part of what I'm dealing with in IC is accepting that, as those traits returned, they really ate up my identity, so figuring out who I am and what I like is hard when I'm in the thick of it....meaning that GAL can be hard too. That said, I've been trying. Some friends have pulled me into their pod and I spent Christmas with them, and then did an 8 mile hike with another old friend. I've been trying to exercise more. I need to focus more on GAL, but I feel very empty a lot of the time.
Thanks for listening.