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Posted By: Steve_ Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/19/20 09:25 PM
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2909275&page=11
Link to previous thread.


So the last two weeks have been hell. My 7 year old boy has been acting out badly with OM. He has mentioned some things to my W that she had thought he heard from me and became infurated. He had also mentioned some things to me that she allegedly said. The poor kid wanted us to fight so we "talk" it made us fight and yeah pushed us apart.

WW pretty much said that the damage of us fighting had did it for her. By fighting she means accusing me and threatening to take my kids for me "brainwashing" them to dislike OM and his kids and be mad at her for leaving. My 6 year old is fine btw, but my 7 year old son has been pretty pissed. I constantly encourage him to behave and not punish WW for leaving. Even on facetime with WW there. I have tried to be supportive as much as I can. She blames me for crying in front of them a couple times, for saying I dislike OM when my son asked if he was still my friend. ETC, she essentially used this an excuse to tell my little boy "stop acting up, Im never going back to your dad".

I took that really hard. Really hard. I had been really good, understanding,attentive, supportive etc, for the first 2+ months and all of it crashed down when the son started really acting out. Her affectionate texts and so on stopped and finally after some discussion regarding our son's behavior and therapy options we are at best neutral. (on her end she is upset at me).

WW applauded me for my weight loss and not drinking booze. But said I am too emotionally unstable right now, she said she tried to break it off with OM a few times and create fights but then I would pull something and she would apologize to him and just stay. (doubt much of that is true). At this point she pretty much said "look dude, go be happy, if stuff doesnt work out with me and OM i know we will always come together we have a bond and kids, but dont wait on me, go experience life and so on, she said she cares for me deeply, knows its hard and hates hurting me, but she has to ride this one out with him since he is a close family friend and got in too deep too fast to just leave"

Again probably half-truths.

At this point I have decided that I am half mad at myself for trying so hard to look great and be super loving understanding man and half dissapointed i didnt just drop the rope way sooner. I have really began to understand there is not a damn thing I can do so I took a few steps.

Brought things back to Neutral with WW,
Deactivated my facebook.
refuse to discuss and R questions with children.
Ask them daily to be good to mom and tell them I love them.
Talk to therapist and friends at work who support me.
kept only snapchat where i can showcase things I do with my kids on my own terms (I do not look at WW snaps)

She since that talk sent me pics of the kids at her place doing Xmas stuff to which ive waited and then just replied with a thumbs up. She sent me a meme of star wars I did not respond to. Ive put a photo or two of a new look for me on Snap and shes looked at them, she sent me a message "looking good" I told her "so are you, really proud of your work!" and she said "thanks"

Thats it. Ive taken the emotion out. I cant actually put any in anymore, I am too dissapointed in what she has caused me and my kids and family to suffer because of her selfishness. I will be pleasant, a good father and ask my kids to behave well. But telling her I love her or miss her now makes me want to punch myself. Whenever I feel like saying anything like that I think of her with OM.

its been the first couple days since OM drop I actually stopped being emotional, using excuses for kids or anything else to express feelings. F yea I am suffering but im doing it quietly. It will take time but I will adjust. I will not backslide, and I feel pretty confident in that because she stopped the lying game of "im not sure" which did help.

I don't think my WW wife will come back, (part of me hopes she does, but knows I cannot do anything about it anymore). I know one day Ill be okay with that. But its okay for me to hurt as long as I do it quietly and not around my kids. I shove it down and save it for my therapist. Whatever happens will happen, god has a plan for me. I just struggle with beating myself up for not DB'ing perfectly thinking that I did too much damage, But I tell myself she was the one that did the damage and If I never even tried to come here and read this stuff i probably would have done wayyy worse, (contacting OM, begging family to intervene, begging, buying gifts, grand gestures, fortunately I didnt do that stuff at least lol). I try to remind myself that this was her choice and leading me along was also her choice, I can only control my response to it and do better. I stopped trying to save my M, i know I will get divorced, she has always had that intention since filing. No point in fighting for someone who is happy destroying thier H and Kids and Family.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/19/20 09:39 PM
I will post again in a week and update how its going but I doubt there will a whole bunch to say. WW will be busy with OM for christmas and Ill be just working and spending X-mas eve wih my kids, taking them to the park, etc.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/19/20 11:05 PM
Steve,

That was a tough read man. Are you seeing your therapist on a regular basis?
Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/19/20 11:36 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
I don't think my WW wife will come back, (part of me hopes she does, but knows I cannot do anything about it anymore). I know one day Ill be okay with that. But its okay for me to hurt as long as I do it quietly and not around my kids. I shove it down and save it for my therapist. Whatever happens will happen, god has a plan for me. I just struggle with beating myself up for not DB'ing perfectly thinking that I did too much damage, But I tell myself she was the one that did the damage and If I never even tried to come here and read this stuff i probably would have done wayyy worse, (contacting OM, begging family to intervene, begging, buying gifts, grand gestures, fortunately I didnt do that stuff at least lol). I try to remind myself that this was her choice and leading me along was also her choice, I can only control my response to it and do better. I stopped trying to save my M, i know I will get divorced, she has always had that intention since filing. No point in fighting for someone who is happy destroying thier H and Kids and Family.


Hey Steve, good to hear from you mate, it had a been a while and I was wondering how you had been doing. I'll be honest, I've heard you say similar things before but I really hope the above can stick. You seem like a good, caring dude who deserves better.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 01:26 AM
Steve, sorry you continue to struggle. I'm saddened that you continue to feel good or bad depending on what she is saying and doing. That's a fool's game. It's like trying to reason with a crazy person, you'll just beat your head against a wall. We've all been there and we've all learned that the sooner we emotionally detach the better. I know its easier said than done. But the first time she acts like a crazy idiot and you shrug it off, the better you'll feel and it will get easier from there. Its so empowering you'll literally feel like a man again!

There are lots of vets here that coparent with their ex, their experience can help.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 02:34 AM
Hi Steve,

Originally Posted by Steve_


I don't think my WW wife will come back, (part of me hopes she does, but knows I cannot do anything about it anymore). I know one day Ill be okay with that. But its okay for me to hurt as long as I do it quietly and not around my kids. I shove it down and save it for my therapist. Whatever happens will happen, god has a plan for me. I just struggle with beating myself up for not DB'ing perfectly thinking that I did too much damage, But I tell myself she was the one that did the damage and If I never even tried to come here and read this stuff i probably would have done wayyy worse, (contacting OM, begging family to intervene, begging, buying gifts, grand gestures, fortunately I didnt do that stuff at least lol). I try to remind myself that this was her choice and leading me along was also her choice, I can only control my response to it and do better. I stopped trying to save my M, i know I will get divorced, she has always had that intention since filing. No point in fighting for someone who is happy destroying thier H and Kids and Family.


You don't want her back as she is, so I hope that you can get your head and heart around this. What helped me was being real about what I missed. It took time and it wasn't easy, but I started thinking about what I would NOT miss first.


I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like fear of D is hurting you and I want so much to just say - it's not the end of the world. You have to find a way to operate above the emotions and just do the next right thing.

You will make mistakes, that's ok. You learn and adjust accordingly.

This isn't on you. She has an OM. She's acting out because her child is calling it what it is. She's defensive and attacking you because she can.

You are right. there is no point in fighting. You can stand for as long as you choose. You can give up at any time, but in the meantime, You don't need to fear any of her reactions/actions because she's already done the worst thing one can do to a spouse.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 05:58 AM
Originally Posted by Steve_
So the last two weeks have been hell. My 7 year old boy has been acting out badly with OM. He has mentioned some things to my W that she had thought he heard from me and became infurated. He had also mentioned some things to me that she allegedly said. The poor kid wanted us to fight so we "talk" it made us fight and yeah pushed us apart.

Hi Steve,

Any IC appointments since that first one? I've had two therapy appointments in the past two weeks, and I feel my life is more or less going quite well. Lots of things immediately jump out at me--

1. S's behavior towards OM is your ex's can of worms to figure out. Your focus could be on getting fitter, validating your son's feelings, and making this Christmas amazing for him.

2. You struggle with personal responsibility--that comes up again and again in your sitch. Your son said things and it "made us fight"--no, you chose to fight. I don't fight with my ex-wife. I have suggested changes, and I have leveraged Child Protective Services when I needed to, to enforce changes.

Originally Posted by Steve_
1.Brought things back to Neutral with WW,
2.Deactivated my facebook.
3.refuse to discuss and R questions with children.
4.Ask them daily to be good to mom and tell them I love them.
5.Talk to therapist and friends at work who support me.
6.kept only snapchat where i can showcase things I do with my kids on my own terms (I do not look at WW snaps)

#2 & #5 seem the most helpful.

Originally Posted by Steve_
She since that talk sent me pics of the kids at her place doing Xmas stuff to which ive waited and then just replied with a thumbs up. I told her "so are you, really proud of your work!" and she said "thanks"

I have a visceral, "Ick!" reaction to continuing to interact like a friend with your WW.

Originally Posted by Steve_
(part of me hopes she does, but knows I cannot do anything about it anymore).

I hope that part goes away. She's cheated on you time and again. You can do better solo or with another.

Originally Posted by Steve_
who is happy destroying thier H and Kids and Family.

She destroyed the Family, but H and Kids can still have a great life.

Take care, Steve, I hope you have a Merry Christmas.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 12:17 PM
I will say it time and time again. Iím afraid for you and your kids if she decides to come back. It would be the worst thing ever for everyone.

I read your posts and my heart just breaks for your kids. Not because she left. Thatís their best chance at having a half normal life you if you get your side right.

But it is very very disturbing to see you say you son ďmade us fightĒ no! No! No! As adults, you guys chose to fight! That could have been handled much differently on your end . And the. You go on to keep saying ď i make sure to keep telling him to behave when he goes over thereĒ this poor kid is going to feel like this is on him.

The best thing you can do is to make sure your home is a happy healthy home , that these kids never ever feel like an once if this is their fault (I.e you believe your sons bad behavior made you guys fight) then they will have their best chance at a happy healthy childhood. Absolutely non of this could be put in your children at all. Adult stuff is adult stuff. His behavior is a way of crying out. He is not happy with the situation there and itís your exís responsibility to make it right. Itís as if you are more worried about hurting your chances of your ex coming home than you are about how your children handle this . Huge harsh statement, I know. But from over here, thatís what I can see, because this is just like an addiction. And quite frankly, her coming back wouldnít be what is best for your children or you. She is a disgusting sick manipulative women. Iíve seen these types as psyche patients. You must know this. And how they manage to tear down their families and all their relationships.

I know you are hurting, but the cure to your hurt is not her coming back. Thatís a temporary bandaid for YOU. Tylenol doesnít ďcureĒ a fever, it makes you feel better, but doesnít take the underlying cause of the fever away.

You should be going to IC weekly at the least. You are a sweet man who needs to get some serious intensive help . For your kids and the sake of your own kids. Enjoy your Christmas Eve with your kids, donít make any part of it about her. Just about the 3 of you.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 04:26 PM
Hey Steve,

Man your post really hurt to read. I feel for you man.

I worry for you and think you really need to make IC your focus right now. This whole situation is extremely toxic to you and your kids.

Steve, I donít think you love your wife as much as you think you do. Let me explain.

Your W has cheated on you repeatedly with multiple men. She has also manipulated you into thinking itís all your fault as well.

^^^ Do you truly love that person? Would you be proud to walk around with her on your arm if she were to come back?

Or are you in love with the fantasy you have in your mind that your W is loyal, loving, owns her faults, communicates with you etc?

I think your abandonment issues are triggered and your codependency issues are coming to light. You probably feel like you need your W like you need air to breathe, right? You even complement your W looks when she is actively sleeping with your ďfriendĒ.

My point is that you have a broken ďpeople pickerĒ Steve. Youíve picked a cluster B as your life partner and you are fighting tooth and nail to keep her in your life to inflict even more damage.

Steve, you canít love someone else until you can love yourself. Again, focus on IC.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 05:42 PM
As far as the fighting goes my 7 year old son said that he did and said certain things purposely to make us fight so we talk. I didnít chose to argue with her I just responded to the attacks, which after long explainations to her about why our son is trying to save our M with poor behaviors she finally understood. (I think). Poor kid.

I donít discuss things about OM with them, but told them if he or anyone else does anything bad to them or thier mom to they can tell me that anytime.

I complimented her looks because it means a lot to her and Because she complimented mine. But I did not go farther than that. I have cut out all pursuit to zero. She wanted to ďstart over as friends and see where it goesĒ I was like yeah sure... I donít talk to her. She will get it lol.

I am aware this will be a long road. I was coming here looking for quick fixes that donít exist. There is a good chance my wife will never come back and I will figure out how to be solo and happy or with someone else later. Iím okay with that, Iím done fighting gods plan for me. I do allow myself to hurt, to have times I cry, scream and feel the pain of the loss of the years of work I put in with her and how it was all suddenly gone. But I donít let it rule me as much. And I know itís not a symptom of a disease I can cure, itís a chronic illness I will always feel. Like my shoulder aches when it rains.

I saw my in laws to pick up kids, they tell me they worry about me, they all love me. I told them Iím sorry I cannot be there for this holiday we all went there for 10 years but due to OM I wonít go. They totally understood. Even one of her sisters wonít go because of OM. I will be starting a new duty at the hospital I work to help with triage overflow. That will keep me busy. I will get there. I contact WW as minimum as possible only when necessary and I try to stay short positive and to the point. Only been a few days of that, actually doing things right. Iíll get there. Iíll be back to update in 6 days. See how the first week of actual DBing goes. Hopefully uneventful.

My next IC is Jan 5. I do talk to the therapists at work. They have been giving me good advice to drop her. I just was never able to follow it.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 05:56 PM

You donít respond to her attacks. You donít compliment an abusive woman sleeping with another man while married who actually told you , her husband, is her back up plan.

And your 7 year old son must have seen that communication in your marriage was fighting. So he chose the only way he knows how to get you to communicate .

And making telling him to behave at his mothers all the time will leave him with guilt .

Not much is going to change until you stop rationalizing and making excuses for your actions that are absolutely not helping you

Good luck to you and happy holidays .
Posted By: Traveler Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 06:09 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
The poor kid wanted us to fight so we "talk" it made us fight and yeah pushed us apart...

I didnít chose to argue with her I just responded to the attacks, which after long explainations to her about why our son is trying to save our M with poor behaviors

Hi Steve_, "responding to the attacks" which you previously characterized as a "fight" is a choice. Not long ago my kids and I passed an old woman who shouted at us, "This is my street! What the $*$*%$ are you doing?" She was attempting to whack an umbrella at anyone within striking distance. I didn't see her connect with anyone. I told my son to avoid looking at her, we continued to walk about a block, and then I contacted the police. I waited until the police arrived. I'm hoping she was connected with her family, medications, or a psychiatric evaluation. I'm glad they got to her before she actually hit anyone.

You control your behavior. You choose how you respond to attacks.

Normally, if you're attacked physically we'd advise doing what you need to do to get to safety and then calling 9-1-1, and if you're attacked verbally to say "I won't be talked to that way" and then leave or hang up.

Trying to soothe your wife with "long explanations" is no longer your job.

Soothing your ex-wife's feelings is her's and OM's jobs.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 06:28 PM
Steve... in your situation, DBing should really be about saving yourself and not your marriage. ďMaybe she will come back?Ē What?!? Why in the world would you EVER want her back? This is NOT love. Love is mutual. Love brings something to your life. It makes you a better person. It lifts you up, it doesnít tear you down. SAVE YOURSELF!!! SAVE YOUR KIDS!!! LET HER GO!!! Not to get her back... to get YOU back. She is toxic and even though you say you see that, your posts still scream of co-dependency and low self esteem.

Get yourself to an IC and do the work. Leave her in your rear view mirror and focus on fixing yourself - for you and your kids. Given what you have told us about her and your relationship, your kids will have NO chance of having normal, healthy relationships unless you extricate yourself from this unhealthy one and show them what self respect and self love really looks like. They havenít seen it yet, thatís for sure.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh but geez man!! You really need to change the messages you give yourself. Stop telling yourself you want her but canít have her because of x,y,z and start telling yourself that you CHOOSE not to want her because you want a better life and relationship than what she could EVER give you. Any time you find yourself thinking ďmaybeĒ, remind yourself that your view of your W as a potentially good partner is just a full-blown fantasy created in your mind and not even close to reality. She isnít. She wasnít. And she never will be. Just be thankful you didnít waste any more time on her than you already have and make 2021 a year to remember!! You can do this if you stop being your own worst enemy. There is a way better life and love out there waiting for you. Believe it!! Do the work. I guarantee you that if you do, you will be a completely different person in a year and you will look back and wonít believe you wasted as much time as you did. Good luck and Happy New Year. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Traveler Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/20/20 07:44 PM
Hi Steve_,

Viktor Frankl is a great voice on personal responsibility--e.g., your wife's choice to cheat was hers alone and not controlled by you or OM, your choice to "respond" or "fight" instead of detaching was yours alone and not controlled by your son or her. Frankl was a Nazi death camp survivor--who wasn't broken and even managed to find some satisfaction there. In Man's Search for Meaning, he writes: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." An absurdly funny film about the holocaust that focuses on the indomitability of the human spirit is "Life is Beautiful" by Roberto Beningni. Add one of these to your queue when you have time.

I'm rooting for you and your son, Steve, let go of this destructive person you're holding onto. Find love ("I see you, I value you.") and let go of co-dependency ("Life is terrible without you.")
Posted By: NZkiwi Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/21/20 04:42 AM
Steve_

I don't post a lot and many of the vets here have some great advise,my sitch included.

You need to drop the figurative rope. Go out and GAL - whatever that maybe, see friends/family, talk to new people, plan for a weekend away with S. Keep up the excercise its obviously working. keep up the 180's.

And stay dark apart from about S. Make and keep that as a boundary. NC made me feel a lot better. I recently deleted all my SM and especially SnapChat. STBXW was a big Snapchatter. Does she send you snaps of S or are you the only one sending snaps?

Its hard to think about what STBXW, OM and S are doing in their time but you can only control you!!!

By thinking about them you are giving them control. DROP the rope! YOU are in control.

I would bet she doesn't think or care what you are doing when you have S.

Keep up the hard work and the updates. We are all rooting for you!
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 05:49 PM
I don't snapchat her or reach out at all.

This week was good, kids been happy, WW is giving me and extra day and all of Xmas eve with them and strangely things have taken sort of a weird turn.

She called me tuesday (she never calls nor do I) and she asked if OM wasnt in the picture if I would be willing to move in with her and be with the kids, still get a divorce but in the mean time start over. I was like um... idk, honestly I am kind of accepting this is my life now, have my own place and things are looking up etc.. she seemed dissapointed. I told her I would think about it.

Next day she has family gathering with few ppl and posts up pics of her and OM. (Her sister called me to ask a medical question and mentioned it) then she took them down the next morning and posted something remorseful regarding her bad choices. I went and signed the divorce papers yesterday. She texted me to ask if i still Vape (i do) she bought me a new mod and all the stuff I needed for Xmas it seems. I told her no thanks, and I didnt plan on getting her anything. She said "its from the kids" (a lie lol).

Funny when i went to the lawyer yesterday I straight up asked him if WW ever contacted him regarding the kids he laughed and said "no" I knew it. She is losing it it seems. Turns out my S and OM'd older D had a fight and WW went off on the OM and his kid about it, tried to drop off OM's kid to his LBW and LBW was like "nope dont want her here whenever you guys dont want her" lol good for OM's LBW! That ruined my WW's day. Things have been mounting up against her with OM and the family cutting her off little by little. WW facetimed the kids yesterday and then asked to speak to me for a second (I assumed it was regarding kids I dont reach out for anything else for over a week now been really good) and she asked if I signed the D papers and I said yes "she looked down and said oh, yay... in a depressed sounding voice. She then said she was working on getting OM out of the picture in a easy way but with his family and xmas coming it was hard.

At this point im like... rolling my eyes. I knew this was going to happen, it was a matter of time. Most of you knew it was going to happen. She has not asked to recon, or anything but shes been talking to her sisters about making a bad choice and mentioning getting remarried to me and working things out.

Im not going to get hopeful, at this point OM is still living with her so anything she says is essentially temporary mood swings based on her sitch. But at least I know I didnt destroy all hope DBing wrong for the first 2 months. First week of real DBing has her warming up. Now im not even totally sure I want that. I even told my best friend yesterday honestly

"dude I would love to have my family back but I dont think I can look at her the same anymore, she would like have to move mountains for me this time and I doubt she would do that, she can never admit fault"

He thinks we should try again, everyone does. But thats because they want her to have me and not this Dbag. Im not sure if I want to get back into this, at least not easily. I guess it doesnt matter and anything can still happen but shes been tossing recon around with her inner circle and to me and it kind of threw me off, I was finally accepting she is never coming back... figures. I know I cannot put any stock into this and her mind can change and she can be in love with the dude again tomorrow so yeah, im just sitting back minding my kids and watching how this unfolds sort of, all of us in the family are.

She never straight up said "i want him out and lets fix this", but thats what her words to everyone have been saying, until her actions match those, guess I have no need to worry about it.

I do not contact her for any reason, I feel relieved when we dont have contact actually. I feel like my WW felt a disturbance in the force when I finally pulled back lol.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 06:22 PM
WTF????
Posted By: Thornton Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 06:27 PM
Steve I worry for you.

Please share everything you just shared here with your IC.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 06:30 PM
ďHope?Ē

Do you like being your wifeís plan B?
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 06:41 PM
Yeah I see that this is a twisted game. That is why Im saying Im not holding out hope this stuff she is saying to people is worth more than its weight in piss. I talked to a psychatrist today I kind of update on things and she said what she is doing is gaslighting me and keeping me on standby so she can back out of her mistake if it doesnt work out.

I see it, im not over here thinking everything will be great. I honestly sat up last night thinking about, like after something this horrible as cool of a guy as I am can I really honestly actually put that behind me? I dont think so. Dont worry Im not taking the bait, still in NC, just was sharing with yall what was going on.

After I signed the D papers I sang to my kids in the car, its been months. Its getting easier as long as I dont beleive anything she says.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 06:53 PM
Steve,

I don't think you understand. You should NEVER EVER EVER consider being in a relationship with this W ever again.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 07:18 PM
Yeah LH, I was really thinking about that hard yesterday. Like even if everything went great and I did everything right that still wont fix her moral compass.

Just like CW said about girls who cheat "when they are happy they will probably be loyal but the second you stop putting you best foot forward they are out lining up your replacement or hitting up a male orbiter"

I really thought to myself, I know I could do XY and Z because of all the stuff Ive learned I did wrong in the last couple months reading all this stuff and working on my shortcomings, NGS, ETC, but it wouldnt do a damn thing about her and no matter how awesome of an H I can be that doesn't make her a better W. I do see that, and I have really thought about that a lot.
Posted By: JosephS Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 07:25 PM
Do your friends and family know everything sheís done to you? I just canít imagine there is anyone in the world that cares about you, would want her back in your life and be hopeful for it.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 08:01 PM
They do, one of her sisters is like dude... RUN... i know its my own sister and I know we all want you with her because your so good to her and the kids but what she did is F'd up.

The rest of the fam pretty much wants her to come back to the M, tells her how good she had it, etc. I thought I would actually have to try hard to get that support and for her to see she F'd up. Actually I did not at all. Now that things are turning slowing toward recon I feel like its a bad idea. No matter how much I love this woman I dont really want to look over my shoulder the rest of my life. Nothing I ever did deserved this response from her. Scary as it is being on my own and kids being back n forth and stuff I do want to honestly be happy and I know that if WW and I were to reconcile the chances of her doing this again down the road are very high. It almost took me down this time, cant do it again. If I could know for sure somehow she would never do it, then I would be okay but the truth is that life has no garuntees. Even if I did everything perfect still she could just do it again. I dont think I could live with that.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 10:48 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Now that things are turning slowing toward recon I feel like its a bad idea. . Even if I did everything perfect still she could just do it again.

Hi Steve_,

Yes, her cheating 6x tells us her ethical code permits lying and cheating and they weren't exceptional. It might be different if you had an open marriage--e.g., you agreed or wanted her to date or sleep with some of those men. It might be different if this were her first or second time cheating. Based on your description of her and the situation, there's little to no reason to reconcile. Dropping her like a bad hangover means you get to focus on an amazing life for Steve_, and find someone who values monogamy.
Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 10:54 PM
Steve, its ok to feel hurt by all that your STBXW has done to you. This will take time and work, unfortunately it may always linger in some small way, just like a scar. The quicker you give the original injury the proper care, the better and less obvious the scar will be.

But please don't confuse that hurt for the need to have her back.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/23/20 10:55 PM
Steve_, just wanted to commend you on the progress you've made!! When you came here you were against IC, living in your in-laws house, and so on the hook to your STBXW that you could hardly stand on your own. Now you're in IC, you are in your own place, and you are making progress in detaching from her. It is awesome to see the progress! Like R2C is fond of saying, keep DBing!
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/25/20 10:21 PM
Been Dbing for a week or so now, but at this juncture its confusing.

WW told me her and OM aren't going to work. She doesn't want to sit at home and watch his kids, he is going to move out and she has distanced herself from him. She wants me to move in after he moves out and "start over" becoming friends, living with each other and go from there. Agreed not to see or talk to other men when that happens.

She told me she isn't sure when he will move out and told me to see other people if I want until then and If I meet someone else better to not come back to her but If I don't she wants to pretty much start over.
So this is confusing. On one hand it sounds good to me and I would like my family back and a fresh start, on the other it sounds like a trap, like ill always be a plan B and like probably it will happen again. I am hesitant to even think about it since 100 things can happen between now and when OM is able to get his house from his LBW and move out. Essentially WW is warming up to me and talking about buying a house in the future etc etc.. I am just sitting here not believing the stuff she is saying. IDK what is wrong with her mind.

I told her we don't need to discuss this anymore, and ended that conversation, I said "if that time comes we can talk about it then" there is really no need to go over and over something that can chance 1,000 times. Its like worrying about the milk that hasn't spilled yet.

I am finally becoming detatched and she says all this crap. I am still not spending Xmas with her and my kids she is still spending it with OM. I have no reason to do anymore for her than I already have. I am actually okay by myself without the drama in my life, its easy, simple. Just work and kids and that's all. I am okay with that. I told her that too. Ill let you guys know whatever comes up but at this time I don't even really care anymore, nothing she does surprises me at this point. This woman is so self centered and lost in her own head she cant see 5 feet in front of her. Im good with my simple life right now.

And I spent my Xmas eve with my kids, it was great they had fun and said "it was the best day ever" That was nice to hear from the little ones.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/25/20 11:46 PM
Yeah Steve_, I agree with you. Proceed with caution. If this was the first go around with everything I'd encourage you to be open to it with conditions. But she just seems so incapable of long term commitment. I also think it's troubling that it's "things are not working out with OM so I'm going go fall back to you". If I were you I'd want a little more enthusiasm and desire than what she seems to be projecting.

If you do consider, please have some very hard and fast conditions. Make her prove she is really going to give this a shot. Things like she gets IC. She agrees to MC. She agrees to full transparency. Id rather you just walk and never look back, but I also understand that the pull of keeping the family together is a strong one.

Also, sounds like Christmas Eve was a home run!! We'll done!!
Posted By: Thornton Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/26/20 02:30 AM
By taking her back you will guaranteeing another bomb drop. A woman cannot love a man she does not respect. Ask yourself the last time you felt respected by your wife.

Dude, her saying the words ďwe can try againĒ etc are appalling to me! How insulting of her! Is it really that easy for her to waltz back into your life after 5 affairs?

Steve, I know it hurts. But you are in an narc/codependent abusive relationship. You are being emotionally abused right now and you donít even know it. This woman is poison and you are addicted to her.

If getting back together with her for 6 months while she looks for a man to cheat with, then by all means sign up for another bomb drop. But if you want to change your life, meet an actual decent human being for a partner, and have complete confidence that your partner is truly loyal, RUN from this woman.

Oh and btw, you canít ďDBĒ a personality disordered person. Sheís mentally ill and DBing canít fix that. The wife that has cheated on you 5x is exactly who she will be until the day she dies.
Posted By: dunnm Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/26/20 09:19 AM
Steve,

I dont post much but have kept up with your sitch. Tell her to fuch off, not literally but in your mind. I have read these forums for years, 100s of sitches and can only recall a couple of WWs that come close to being as UGLY as yours. She is a piece of s$%#.

Trust me life will be better without her.

Wishing you the best.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/26/20 08:55 PM
Yeah as time goes by I feel dumber and dumber for being so attatched and In love with someone so F'd up.
She is selfish, narcisstic, just not a good person. I used to think she was but I am really beginning to see that
she doesnt care about a single thing besides herself. I laugh sometimes, I laugh that I actually thought I mattered
and I laugh that Im delusional enough to think I still do. Bottom line we have kids so I have no choice but to deal
with her. I am just refusing to buy into her BS or believe a damn thing she says. I dont think she even knows what she
wants/feels because she is so strung out on lies she probably lost herself a long time ago. She is unhealthy, I do NOT reach out to her anymore. I do not do anything anymore. Its for the best.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/26/20 09:21 PM
Steve,

I actually donít see anything funny about this at all. You are both emotionally damaged individuals who are raising young kids who will know nothing but how dysfunctional parents act.

You canít control her but you can control yourself and get yourself right so your kids have a rock to lean on 50 percent of the time. Right now Steve you should forget about her and put 100% focus on your kids.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/26/20 09:58 PM
Quote
Been Dbing for a week or so now, but at this juncture its confusing.


You were warned about your WW keeping you on the back burner. She's played that number as long as I've been reading your posts. Nothing has changed, Steve.

Look, she's discovering that her fantasy about a new life with OM isn't as peachy as she thought it would be. So, like most WW's, she tests you to see how you'd respond if she threw a few words around about having second thoughts.

First of all, where is her remorse? Was she crying and begging for your forgiveness? Did she accept responsibility for ripping the marriage and family apart? Could you detect humility in her? Did she even ask you if you would consider taking her back? Did I miss something? I doubt it. Nothing has changed in her heart. WW's are the most arrogant and self centered people on the planet. She just assumed you'd be thrilled to have her come home. Never thought you wouldn't jump for joy at the suggestion things weren't going as she hoped with OM, and she might think about giving the M another chance. In your heart, you may be happy to hear her say this stuff, but this is absolutely nothing more than her getting a tiny glimpse of her new reality. However, it's not enough to change her mindset. She is a serial cheater, and she's not going to change that mindset just b/c she's having to keep OM's kids. Am I making sense? She was checking you out so she'd have a place to go whenever she gets fed up and wants to leave OM's house.

Let me tell you something about WW's. Until they are brought to their knees, they don't change inwardly. They can put on a performance long enough to get back into the house......but it doesn't last long. She's looking out for # one, and that's all. I'll give you another warning.........WW's like to just pick up in the MR, where things were left, and not rehash stuff about the affair, answer any questions the LBH may have, or give an account, etc. They don't want to discuss it b/c it makes them uncomfortable. Therefore, they want to bypass all that hard work and just start back up as if nothing ever happened. Any LBH that allows his WW to return on her terms, is asking for more heartbreak. I can't tell you how many I've seen LBH's who are so focused on just getting the W back inside the home, they let her come back too easily. When a WW is out of the marital home and has been living with another man, she needs to work really hard to get her H back and restore the MR.

BTW, don't repeat any of this to your WW. It's for your information only. Know what I mean? For example, if you tell her you need to see remorse, she can turn on the tears.......no problem. WW's are good actors.

If she gets to return to you, it should be understood and agreed to be completely on your terms. The betrayed spouse should know what those terms are, and require the wayward spouse to comply. This agreement is to be made before she moves back, not later. You hold the cards, when it comes to her returning. Why? She is the offender in this M, and you are the betrayed. She has to take responsibility for what she's done, and WW's are good about twisting things around to make the LBH feel as if he's the offender. There are many things you need to know before telling her she can come back.

I'll give you the link to a thread where Blue and I listed the things we thought were important when reconciling/piecing. Mine came from the VP of a former WW, and Blue from a LBW. Maybe you'll check it out before jumping into the fire without any instructions.

Definition and Guidelines for Piecing
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832573#Post2832573
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/27/20 01:53 AM
We are not there Sandi, not even close as far as I can see. I think she was just solidifying a plan B.

She said it would be some "time" before OM can move out of her place and get his house back from his LBW. She will stay with him living with him in the meantime. Who knows maybe they will work it out.. maybe not. But if it comes down to her asking me to move back in Ill tell her I will not tolerate being "just room mates" where I pay rent and she goes out and sees other men. I wont do that I told her that point blank and up front. We are still getting divorced, and im not on the least so I can bail anytime without legal/financial repercussions if that were to happen. My WW would be tougher than most she is never remorseful about anything to anyone ever. Right now what I am doing is focusing on detatching as much as humanly possible and letting her have 100% of this OM and his world to live in.
Posted By: neffer Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/27/20 12:18 PM
Steve, please, you need to get out of those insane dependence cycles. Detach and free yourself. Show your children how to be in a healthy R. Thatís not posible with STBXW. You canít be serious about going to live with her and not been room mates. Cmon man..., please.

Stand strong there. Keep DB. Avoid all R talks. Keep the dark environment around her. Live your life, GAL!

Be the healthy parent Steve.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/27/20 04:35 PM
As far as my kids are concerned they are happy when they are with me here. My son has become a lot closer to me than he was before WW took off. Last nite I picked them up from here said ďokay see you laterĒ and left. Typically she wants to chat or hug or whatever I just split. There is not one single person In my family or her family that thinks Iím anything but a good H and a great dad. The nurses at work are starting to tell me that Iíve been seeming happier lately but I do have some parts of the day that are down still. Iím getting there. I donít reach out to her, I donít do anything for her anymore. I have accepted that my life and her life are seperate and she is happy enough where she is to be there. Whatever that means is her problem. My life is easy work, kids, thatís it. I like it that way. I am good where I am at right now. WW dropping a few crumbs of regret and recon wonít push me off the path I had to endure to get to this point. I gave my sitch over to god and just live day by day at this point.

Still doing therapy
Still not drinking
Just hanging in there pretty much.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/27/20 05:08 PM
Keep on keeping on Steve. I'm seeing a lot of progress in you than a few weeks ago. Keep listening to sandiand working on yourself and you'll be fine.
Posted By: Drh2001 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/27/20 10:18 PM
Steve,

That was a painful read. WW moved in with OM earlier this month. She has my kids less than half the time. I do not mention OM to my kids and asked them not to tell me about their life at the other house.

She too, has posted Xmas pics of her, my kids and OM.

The thing to remember is that it is Counterfeit. My kids know the difference between right and wrong and they know what adultery is.

She cannot create what I have with my kids at home. She can only imitate.

As it is, my kids are sharing a tiny bedroom at OM house - here they have their own bedroom and privacy.

Keep being the rock for your kids.

Posted By: Drh2001 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/28/20 01:31 AM
I'm not able to start a new thread but if anyone has any ideas about the following.

sandi2 says in Pt 1 for newbies that the LBH thinks that something must have fallen on a WW head for her to be so rude, disrespectful, selfish and outrageous.

Also that resentment, bitterness and anger build in the wayward heart and mind. Then she is vulnerable to temptation.

Having seen so much of this obscene behavior over the last 14 months from my own WW, it's as if she had her SIM card swapped out for someone else's. Recently she told me that "most husband's would let the wife stay in the house and keep the kids" to which I replied, "most husbands would not let their adulterous wife keep the house, kids and money."

I got the "I'm a single woman" and "I'm not your wife" pretty early on after BD.

I'm trying to find a single point in time where the wayward mindset just kicks in. How can a wife with a good girl image suddenly and swiftly turn into a bad girl?

For me, it's like WW had a switch flipped and engaged a new circuit. The vitriol that came out was like she'd been taken over by some hostile intelligence. There were times when her speech inflection changed during the course of conversation and she'd say something nasty and then quickly switch back again - as if one was listening to rock music, where the station suddenly changed to rap and then back again to rock. I kid you not, this happened on three occasions and it shocked me.










Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/28/20 01:42 AM
So it felt to you that she just flipped the switch but the truth is this was likely brewing for years. Thereís a lot of incentive to keep the peace when living with someone. Once she found her om there was no incentive to keep the peace anymore so she would let you have it.

Be thankful sheís out of your life and start to build a great life for you and your daughters.
Posted By: Drh2001 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/28/20 01:56 AM
Originally Posted by LH19
So it felt to you that she just flipped the switch but the truth is this was likely brewing for years. Thereís a lot of incentive to keep the peace when living with someone. Once she found her om there was no incentive to keep the peace anymore so she would let you have it.

Be thankful sheís out of your life and start to build a great life for you and your daughters.



Hi LH19, yes, I can see that. I've read it many times that when a spouse stops complaining that's when they've given up.

A month before BD we had gone to Disney World for vacation. I had no idea what was going to happen the next month.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/28/20 01:58 PM
Yeah Drh, we had just bought a home, just painted the kids rooms in the nee home, put tens of thousands into it and then boom. All gone and sheís in an apartment with OM. Whatever you or I thought was important or endearing enough to anchor a person to commitment (family/kids/history) that all goes away and means nothing. The excitement of OM and a new story overpowers it. Funny thing is that Iíve changed a lot but she hasnít. Apparently my WWís OM is heartbroken and disappointed, he loves my WW but she promised to raise his 3 kids along with our two, and do all that wife like stuff, cook, clean, etc... I did all that for her, no OM is sad because he left his W for my WW and she just sleeps all day, she stopped cooking and cleaning and watching the kids, she doesnít want to be intimate with him and is argumentative. She is exactly the same person she was with me. OM threw his life away for the same illusion I had and it doesnít last long. Sandi is right, only hard reality will ever get a WW to change.

I accepted one thing: There is nothing and I mean nothing we can do as LBS to change the course of a WWís actions or mindset. We love them from a distance, admit our mistakes and just give them the room they need to figure themselves out. I realize that my WW wonít ever respect how much I did for her, how spoiled and cherished she was until someone else shows her something different. Iím sure my WW will at some point want me back into an R with her on her terms but I wonít do that. I know better now. I am worth a lot more than second place.
Posted By: MrBrside Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/28/20 02:15 PM
Steve,

You need to break away from this addiction / obsession.

The post above just shows how deep in you are. I know you are replying to a post, you the theme is soooo similar to most of your other posts - You go on about OM and WW, her not being happy, her family not being happy etc.

Why does it matter.

LH replied to a post 2 days ago, and he beat me to it. His reply was somewhat more compasionate than mine... The jist was the same - Kids !

Most of the posts you put here are focused on OM, WW, etc etc.. repeat

You are addicated - and like an addict, you are not making rational decissions.

Just the post above says it all.. and its very similar to most of your other posts. WW, OM, detaching ( but not really ) , kids are upset because of OM / WW etc.

I'll rewrite what i put a few weeks back - Try and stop focusing on all this - Focus on the kids kids kids.. And when not with the kids, you, or what you and the kids can do when you see them. Dont talk about WW in front of the kids. Change the subject. I feel so sorry for your children. At the minute they are stuck between a selfish and sad excuse for a mother, and a father who is addicted to something unhealthy. You have the power to change one side of this ! But taking them on trips to cabins and posted the pictures for the WW isnt the way to do it.

If you want to read a good post, find Josephs. He had a crazy WW.. Once he broke from the Fog, his focus was kids kids kids.. He has come out of this smiling.. Read his sitch, and start to focus on your children... Not random posts about cooking, cleaning, WWs family, WW sister, OM etc - If you turn the negative focus you have on WW into a postivie focus for the kids, your sitch would have a happy ending.. you just dont see it yet ! - KIDS KIDS KIDS !

Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/28/20 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by MrBrside
Steve,

You need to break away from this addiction / obsession.

The post above just shows how deep in you are. I know you are replying to a post, you the theme is soooo similar to most of your other posts - You go on about OM and WW, her not being happy, her family not being happy etc.

Why does it matter.

LH replied to a post 2 days ago, and he beat me to it. His reply was somewhat more compasionate than mine... The jist was the same - Kids !

Most of the posts you put here are focused on OM, WW, etc etc.. repeat

You are addicated - and like an addict, you are not making rational decissions.

Just the post above says it all.. and its very similar to most of your other posts. WW, OM, detaching ( but not really ) , kids are upset because of OM / WW etc.

I'll rewrite what i put a few weeks back - Try and stop focusing on all this - Focus on the kids kids kids.. And when not with the kids, you, or what you and the kids can do when you see them. Dont talk about WW in front of the kids. Change the subject. I feel so sorry for your children. At the minute they are stuck between a selfish and sad excuse for a mother, and a father who is addicted to something unhealthy. You have the power to change one side of this ! But taking them on trips to cabins and posted the pictures for the WW isnt the way to do it.

If you want to read a good post, find Josephs. He had a crazy WW.. Once he broke from the Fog, his focus was kids kids kids.. He has come out of this smiling.. Read his sitch, and start to focus on your children... Not random posts about cooking, cleaning, WWs family, WW sister, OM etc - If you turn the negative focus you have on WW into a postivie focus for the kids, your sitch would have a happy ending.. you just dont see it yet ! - KIDS KIDS KIDS !



Another good set of threads is MBR's. He had posted to you Steve_. mbr followed a similar path of Joseph with an extremely WW. Eventually D'd her and is so much better off for it today. Steve_ you deserve so much better than this woman has given you!!
Posted By: Drh2001 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/28/20 07:43 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Yeah Drh, we had just bought a home, just painted the kids rooms in the nee home, put tens of thousands into it and then boom. All gone and sheís in an apartment with OM. Whatever you or I thought was important or endearing enough to anchor a person to commitment (family/kids/history) that all goes away and means nothing. The excitement of OM and a new story overpowers it. Funny thing is that Iíve changed a lot but she hasnít. Apparently my WWís OM is heartbroken and disappointed, he loves my WW but she promised to raise his 3 kids along with our two, and do all that wife like stuff, cook, clean, etc... I did all that for her, no OM is sad because he left his W for my WW and she just sleeps all day, she stopped cooking and cleaning and watching the kids, she doesnít want to be intimate with him and is argumentative. She is exactly the same person she was with me. OM threw his life away for the same illusion I had and it doesnít last long. Sandi is right, only hard reality will ever get a WW to change.

I accepted one thing: There is nothing and I mean nothing we can do as LBS to change the course of a WWís actions or mindset. We love them from a distance, admit our mistakes and just give them the room they need to figure themselves out. I realize that my WW wonít ever respect how much I did for her, how spoiled and cherished she was until someone else shows her something different. Iím sure my WW will at some point want me back into an R with her on her terms but I wonít do that. I know better now. I am worth a lot more than second place.



I agree with you wholeheartedly on the point of not trying to change them.

She made a social media post about me (indirectly) saying i was toxic and controlling. She told me I "refused" to let her move out. I told her you weren't going to move in with OM till spring of '21. Now all of a sudden he wants you to move in earlier and we have financial obligations, joint credit cards etc...then she kept asking me to bring the buyout process forwards, and I told her i don't feel financially qualified to buy you out so soon. I was going to do it at year end. I was trying to get my credit score up, pay off some debt etc, but she saw my refusal to do it when she wanted as controlling.

This summer, she asked me "would you let me move in with a friend?" and I'm like you have kids here who depend on you and I doubt your friend would let my kids stay. She said she had no friend and was just testing me to see if I'd stop her leaving. She moved in with OM earlier this month. Did I try to stop her? No, but it's left me in a bit of a mess financially because I don't have her paycheck anymore. She even told me "how can I help you with the mortgage (which is in both our names) if I'm living with OM?" - that's how messed up in the head she was.

When we signed out separation agreement last year she was going to get a better job and buy me out. Before she had an OM she actually had the nerve to tell me: "what if OM offers to buy you out?" After meeting OM she decided she didn't want to get a better job and wanted me to buy her out instead thus breaking the agreement.

Every time we had an agreement she would break it and then accuse me of being toxic and controlling. All this while she lived in the house with me and the kids and was sleeping with OM. Telling me "I'm separated" when it's obvious she wasn't.

Posted By: Drh2001 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/28/20 07:51 PM
I'm going to check out Joseph and MBR's threads, this is something I need to work on as well. I always put the kids first even to the point of neglecting myself and WW to some degree. An unhappy home life made me give my kids everything I didn't have.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/30/20 08:22 PM
Im just going to call this post Revelations.. here are a few things I have finally realized and accepted and a small update.

1.WW didnt get a gun put to her head, she chose to be with OM, shes not a victim of some evil plan.
2. Its not my fault she chose to leave, she had a litany of other things she could have done.
3. After Identifying what I failed in the M beating myself up about it does no good (hardest one)
4. There is not a dang thing I can say or do to make her "fog" go away.
5. Children and family know what is going on, no need to drag them into it more, they see and hear and think too.
6. My WW misses me and does have guilt, but not the way I want her to, its because of her own image, its not remorse.
7. If I continue to let this hurt me it will, It cannot be avoided and it will hurt but I MUST make efforts to feel better.
8. All the mistakes I made not DBing perfect dont matter, they are done and gone, its human, what is important is to do better each day, nobody can DB perfect, some of us are just more attatched/co-dependant than others and it takes longer.
9. My WW is experiencing discomfort with her new reality, its not regret or remorse its just missing the stuff I did for her that OM doesnt, the messy situation she is in, it doesnt mean she loves me, if she did she wouldnt have left.
10. This journey is a long one, there is no quick-fix, magic words, or love spells to make it better, only time and working on yourself do, let the rest flow along, I can only control me and be the person I want to be, nothing more.

The update: She is not so happy with OM and apparently he isnt that stoked about what he bought either. OM is upset because my WW doesnt want to watch his 3 kids, stay at home and cook and clean all day. WW has been arguing with him over things and pretty much sleeps all day and has started to detatch from him. OM's own mom even says "this aint gonna last" along with everyone else. At first I let that give me some hope my WW learned her lesson and naturally would come back LOL! Yeah, no, not like that at all, she still has her "reasons" that she left they dont just dissapear when her love for OM does, and love for OM doesnt just dissapear either. There is zero % garuntee she will want me back once OM leaves, she may decide she wants to play the field for awhile (what im betting on). Then maybe when she has sewn her wild oats she will invite me back as a "room mate" and then have me do all the fatherly stuff and reluctantly commit to more time with me until she finds something better, assuming she doesnt during her in-between phase. I see this clearly now. I am not the champ in her mind, if I was she wouldnt have left. Thinking anything other than this is delusional. It will take lots of time, lots of patience and a big dose of reality for her to place any real value on me again, and thats only *if* she doesnt just jump around to something "better" again. Im pretty sick of that, Im worth a lot more, and there a lots of people who would love someone as committed, honest and good as I am. I dont deserve that, and that is what my future holds if I dont be very very cautious moving forward. If anything new comes up ill post it here. Otherwise im pretty much doing LRT and GAL.
Posted By: MrBrside Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/30/20 08:38 PM
And repeat....

Another post focusing on WW, OM, not happy watching OM kids etc..

Steve, this is so unhealthy.. this isnít an update. Itís the same old same old.. you obsessing over WW, what ifs etc..

You really need to break this cycle..
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/30/20 08:40 PM
Steve,

Your posts are the most difficult to read. I will keep it short.

How can your W see value you in you when you donít see any in yourself?
Posted By: Indy470 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/30/20 09:46 PM
Steve,

You need a wake up call man.

Why do you even know this much about what your wife is doing?

Iím not trying to be an @ss but you need to hear it man. What are you doing?

Your wife is gone. Stop analyzing everything.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/30/20 10:49 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Im just going to call this post Revelations.. here are a few things I have finally realized and accepted and a small update.

1.WW didnt get a gun put to her head, she chose to be with OM, shes not a victim of some evil plan.
2. Its not my fault she chose to leave, she had a litany of other things she could have done.
3. After Identifying what I failed in the M beating myself up about it does no good (hardest one)
4. There is not a dang thing I can say or do to make her "fog" go away.
5. Children and family know what is going on, no need to drag them into it more, they see and hear and think too.
6. My WW misses me and does have guilt, but not the way I want her to, its because of her own image, its not remorse.
7. If I continue to let this hurt me it will, It cannot be avoided and it will hurt but I MUST make efforts to feel better.
8. All the mistakes I made not DBing perfect dont matter, they are done and gone, its human, what is important is to do better each day, nobody can DB perfect, some of us are just more attatched/co-dependant than others and it takes longer.
9. My WW is experiencing discomfort with her new reality, its not regret or remorse its just missing the stuff I did for her that OM doesnt, the messy situation she is in, it doesnt mean she loves me, if she did she wouldnt have left.
10. This journey is a long one, there is no quick-fix, magic words, or love spells to make it better, only time and working on yourself do, let the rest flow along, I can only control me and be the person I want to be, nothing more.

The update: She is not so happy with OM and apparently he isnt that stoked about what he bought either. OM is upset because my WW doesnt want to watch his 3 kids, stay at home and cook and clean all day. WW has been arguing with him over things and pretty much sleeps all day and has started to detatch from him. OM's own mom even says "this aint gonna last" along with everyone else. At first I let that give me some hope my WW learned her lesson and naturally would come back LOL! Yeah, no, not like that at all, she still has her "reasons" that she left they dont just dissapear when her love for OM does, and love for OM doesnt just dissapear either. There is zero % garuntee she will want me back once OM leaves, she may decide she wants to play the field for awhile (what im betting on). Then maybe when she has sewn her wild oats she will invite me back as a "room mate" and then have me do all the fatherly stuff and reluctantly commit to more time with me until she finds something better, assuming she doesnt during her in-between phase. I see this clearly now. I am not the champ in her mind, if I was she wouldnt have left. Thinking anything other than this is delusional. It will take lots of time, lots of patience and a big dose of reality for her to place any real value on me again, and thats only *if* she doesnt just jump around to something "better" again. Im pretty sick of that, Im worth a lot more, and there a lots of people who would love someone as committed, honest and good as I am. I dont deserve that, and that is what my future holds if I dont be very very cautious moving forward. If anything new comes up ill post it here. Otherwise im pretty much doing LRT and GAL.


If you take a plant and plant it in broken glass, acid, and scrap metal, it will die. That is why Rs that begin as PAs rarely last, because that which is planted in corruption will rarely take root.

However, your W has shown that when the PA R ends she uses you until she finds the next one. People that are addicted to limerance rarely stay happy long-term. This is why YOU move on and leave her behind. Because what you want (long - term commitment) she is incapable of! So stop torturing yourself and move past her. For you and your kids' sakes.

You got this Steve_! You can do this.
Posted By: JosephS Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/30/20 11:49 PM
Steve,
This has got to stop. You need to focus on the kids and yourself. Your W isn't going to need to "sew her wild oats", shes been doing it the entirety of your marriage. She doesn't need to be single or away from you to do that. You know of what..5 or 6 affairs? How many don't you know about?

I'm not trying to heartless or mean, but you have kids that need you, and you can't get out of your own way/head to be the father they need.

Your marriage is over. It's been over. And even if she comes back, it's still over. She isn't your forever.

Your kids are though. Focus on them!!
Posted By: Traveler Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/31/20 03:08 AM
Hi Steve,

We see you struggling. The ďrevelationsĒ have some meat.. I see wheels turning. But then you update and we see youíre still snooping or talking about your ex-wife and want her back. smirk

1. Your wife is not a good partner if you want a monogamous relationship, because she has lied and cheated on you 5-6x. Any likely path to stability and monogamy is solo or with someone else.

2. If she decides to use you as her safe spot between OM, the words she says doesnít matter because sheĎa a liar. ďI repentĒ, or ďI want a fresh slateĒ or ďI want a room mate.Ēhave exactly the same meaningóthey mean sheíll seek out OM7. Isnít it time, for you and your son, to break this cycle? What would you tell a friend to do, someone you value?

3. You are not yet writing about what youíre doing to GAL, to be a rock for your son, to make his holidays magical.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/31/20 11:10 AM
I did great with my kids for the holidays, and Iíve been doing a lot of new stuff at work. I only know this stuff about my WW because she tells me. I posted it here because Iím starting to understand how Fíd up she is. To her this is some sick game, some oops I messed up on this OM, itís okay my H will take care of me until I find next OM. I just wanted to post that Iím seeing it now. I thought there was something I did that caused this, that if I stopped doing it this could change. I just finally see that isnít the case. Thatís all it is.

I got to that point because of you guys, time and IC. I blamed myself a LOT up until recently. My son is going to start therapy tomorrow he has taken this terribly hard. Iíve done the most I can to distract him and make his life good but he has been really confused and angry with it all. Iím looking forward to 2020 being over. I know Iíll be okay I time, so will my son. I just wanted to post some of the stuff that I have been finally understanding about her due to all of this going on. I know my M has been over for a long time, if it wasnít this OM it would have been another at some other point, it took me a lot of work to stop blaming myself for all of it.

Iím sleeping and eating again finally. Talk to my sister again more than ever, doing really good at work. Things are starting to get better every day and Iím starting to get used to this little by little. Spend all day other day painting nails with my Daughter and making jewlrey. She loved it. Will go and fly a drone with my son on Friday. The post wasnít about saving my M it was about realizing this wasnít all my fault finally. I havenít had terrible anxiety for about 2 weeks. Itís been getting a bit easier. smile
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/31/20 11:35 AM
Steve,

So I think being blunt is the best way to go with you. Your son is taking it hard because youíre taking it hard. Heís looking for you to be his rock and since youíre a mess all the time heís scared. Trust me if you were to stand up and be a man and teach him how not to let people treat you he would fine.

So two nights ago I was texting with a friend and out of the blue I get a text from my son ďdad I love youĒ. After talking with him last night it was just as I suspected, his mom was in one of her moods. He wanted to reach out to his rock to get through the storm. Be the rock Steve.

Look man I know youíre trying but you have to be better for your kids sake.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/31/20 12:49 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
I did great with my kids for the holidays, and Iíve been doing a lot of new stuff at work. I only know this stuff about my WW because she tells me. I posted it here because Iím starting to understand how Fíd up she is. To her this is some sick game, some oops I messed up on this OM, itís okay my H will take care of me until I find next OM. I just wanted to post that Iím seeing it now. I thought there was something I did that caused this, that if I stopped doing it this could change. I just finally see that isnít the case. Thatís all it is.

I got to that point because of you guys, time and IC. I blamed myself a LOT up until recently. My son is going to start therapy tomorrow he has taken this terribly hard. Iíve done the most I can to distract him and make his life good but he has been really confused and angry with it all. Iím looking forward to 2020 being over. I know Iíll be okay I time, so will my son. I just wanted to post some of the stuff that I have been finally understanding about her due to all of this going on. I know my M has been over for a long time, if it wasnít this OM it would have been another at some other point, it took me a lot of work to stop blaming myself for all of it.

Iím sleeping and eating again finally. Talk to my sister again more than ever, doing really good at work. Things are starting to get better every day and Iím starting to get used to this little by little. Spend all day other day painting nails with my Daughter and making jewlrey. She loved it. Will go and fly a drone with my son on Friday. The post wasnít about saving my M it was about realizing this wasnít all my fault finally. I havenít had terrible anxiety for about 2 weeks. Itís been getting a bit easier. smile


This is all good stuff, Steve _! So what does all this mean regarding saving your marriage? Now that you're arriving at these conclusions are you ready to move on?
Posted By: JosephS Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 12/31/20 02:37 PM
Steve,

The thing is youíve said before you realize how messed up she is and than talk about the chance of her coming back. I understand this is a ďmarriage saving forumĒ, but at some point you have to see sometimes marriages arenít worth saving, and you need to save yourself.

Your situation especially pulls at me because I see similarities in our Ws. The narcissistic qualities your W has oozes through your posts. And you donít see it. Youíd write almost like a giddy teenager at how messed up things where between her in the OM. You couldnít wait to be the the fall back guy. The husband, the father of her kids, the last resort. She didnít cheat once or twice. She doesnít show remorse. At some point you have to realize your W (and I mean this specifically for your situation, not others) is not worth the time of day. And ironically enough if you would have treated her that way from BD you may have had a chance of saving your marriage. Iím personally thankful you didnít do that before you saw her for what she is. But truth be told, as of now I think you would try to steer her yourself into saying what you need to hear and allow her to come back.

Listen to people on here. Some forums members here saved me from myself. If I wouldnít have listened to them I donít know what kind of state my children would be in. Because the bottom line is affairs and divorce are a horrible experiences, but itís nothing compared to what your children are seeing and going through. As I have said before, their entire world was just flipped upside and rocked. You and your W arenít politely acknowledging things arenít working out and making a plan and following a path to an easy gentle divorce. And if you were it would still devastate the kids. So imagine what this is doing.

LH gave me flash backs with his be the rock comment. Iím so darn thankful he and others where blunt with me, because my kids needed stability in a way I wasnít seeing at the time. And from what youíve posted so do yours.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/04/21 05:57 PM
Quote
Iím sleeping and eating again finally. Talk to my sister again more than ever, doing really good at work. Things are starting to get better every day and Iím starting to get used to this little by little. Spend all day other day painting nails with my Daughter and making jewlrey. She loved it. Will go and fly a drone with my son on Friday. The post wasnít about saving my M it was about realizing this wasnít all my fault finally. I havenít had terrible anxiety for about 2 weeks. Itís been getting a bit easier. smile


Sounds great! I viewed your previous post a little different than others may have. It was kind of like therapy for you to write it down. Anyway, as long as you are making steps forward, you'll get somewhere.

((hugs))
Posted By: mtb1981 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/04/21 07:14 PM
You're in a much better head space than you were a month ago. Keep moving. Keep DB'ing. It's all about saving Steve. Close your eyes to her. She doesn't exist. Focus on you and your kids. And by all means, BE READY!! She's not done with you yet, Steve. WW's are savage creatures. In the next few weeks, she's gonna pull out the big guns and you need to be prepared. She's gonna cry, tell you how much she loves you, and how bad she screwed up. Maybe about how OM is a monster and abusive. And you're gonna go right back to old behaviors to try to be the hero and save her. Trust me. I've been there. You need to have it cemented in your head that this is all part of the script and she doesn't mean any of it. I'm afraid if you're not prepared, she's gonna melt you like a popsicle on a hot day and you're right back where you started. Head down and move forward. You got this...
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 03:28 AM
MTB you nailed it bud.

Yesterday I get trip when she face times the kids she teared up and said she wished I was with her instead of OM.
Today she hit me up and said she is stopping the divorce. Her and OM arenít working out, she is done and he will leave once he gets his house from LBW.

I just told her.. not getting my hopes up. Stopping the divorce is a nice gesture but with other men being involved in our marriage we donít have one. I would love to be a family but other men can never happen again. Obviously you still are living with him til he moves out so no need to really worry about it.

Iím gonna call our L tomorrow and see if she is even telling me the truth. Doubt it. Either way I donít see remorse or regret or apology. So still doesnít mean jack squat.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 04:08 AM
Steve I seriously hope you arenít considering this.

If you are, we will keep your seat warm here until the next bomb drop.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 04:39 AM
Hi Steve,

Sorry to hear this. That would imho be a worst case scenario--she's cheated on you and returned six times. Letting her return would not learn from that, and you put yourself (and kids) through this again.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 06:41 AM
Thornton you hit like a hammer bud. Thatís the cold hard truth of it. This has not been some life lesson for her. She still could give zero fox about what I went through. I see it. Trust that. Was just updating. Anything short of moving mountains isnít going to do much for me at this point. Iíve taken enough of a beating.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 09:35 AM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Thornton you hit like a hammer bud. Thatís the cold hard truth of it. This has not been some life lesson for her. She still could give zero fox about what I went through. I see it. Trust that. Was just updating. Anything short of moving mountains isnít going to do much for me at this point. Iíve taken enough of a beating.

Steve if anyone answers differently then what Thornton posted would be doing you a disservice. I know you will take her back so Iím not even going to go there I am just going to wish you well with your future pains and struggles.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 11:12 AM
I canít believe you are considering this either. It is so so so so sad.

If she hasnít started the divorce, you should. Forget you. This would be the wrong decision for the KIDS. Because you know she will be out the door in another month when she finds a new man. And your poor kids have to see mom come and go while dad holds the door open for it .
Posted By: MrBrside Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 11:30 AM
Kids Kids Kids..

Ive said it so many times.

You and this woman making a go of it again is not best for the Kids long term.

From early teans, most of us are conditioned to believe a stable 2 parent family is best for the kids..

Note the word "stable" - In situations that involve selfish or people like your wife - there is NO stability..

So you do the numbers...

You get back with her and your children live in a unstable and messed up enviroment 100% of the time..

Or you focus on you and them - get 50 50 custody ( or more ) and provide a stable and loving enviroment for 50% of the time.

I think you know which one is best for the children !

I really tried to save my relationship - ( doing it all wrong i might add, before i foudn this site ) - for the children...

I realise now that my children have never been happier than when they are with me!

Be their rock !!! - and that doesnt involve a selfish WW.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 11:35 AM
She filed in October, I signed it all. It was amicable, no alimony, no spousal support and fixed 1,000 a month child support. She canít come after my retirement or anything, All in all it was decent for me legally. If the divorce goes through honestly Iíd be fine with that. At this point in my life Iím not lifting a finger for my M. Even if she stops the D itís only because she realized she Fíd up but it doesnít mean she loves and respects me. I really do understand that. Believe that the very last thing in the world I want is to feel the pain I felt the last 3 months. It came close to breaking me. I barely pulled myself through.

In other news got the VA to set me up with in-person therapy and start on anti-depressants some sertraline 25mg then to 50 will follow up in 4 weeks. Doctor asked me if i can take some time off once i told him where i work lol, (itís a emergency room for people with psychotic breakdowns) i told him I canít since i am part time and got no paid time off. He understood and apologized for what i been dealing with, commended me for not picking up drinking or anything else destructive. It meant a lot to me, after the war i drank a lot. Glad i got that finally rolling through the actual VA and not out of pocket anymore. But man It takes them forever, but I need it. My self esteem took a big ol whooping. My kids are closer to me than ever before and they are very happy with me, thatís my silver lining here. As much as this destroyed my life In many ways it really brought me and the kids together even more.

Iíll update if anything changes. For now I ride the wave, I do nothing but care for myself and my kids. And Iím honestly totally okay with that.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 12:08 PM
Steve,

I commend you for seeing these things through with the VA and getting the help you need.

What I challenge you to do is to change the way you view what happened. It didnít destroy your life it gave you a change at a great life. If you trust the process and focus on your kids and getting better I promise you that you will find a woman who cherishes you for who you are and what you bring to the table.

Any future that has your STBXW as your partner will be nothing but pain and misery.

The 2 things that keep LBS not getting what they want are not trusting the process and patience.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 01:07 PM
Remember the rule: "Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does!"

Even if she stops the D, you should view that as more manipulation. You need to get to a place where you refuse to be Plan B. OM leaving and her being lonely is not her wanting to come back, it is her coming back by default. Steve_, your sitch is very similar to mtb's and a couple of other posters'......and in those cases those posters eventually refused to be jerked around by the nose and moved forward with D themselves! As others have said, you need to find your self-respect and realize that you deserve better......then do what you need to to go out and get it (hint: that means moving on from her and forward with your life.

The "come here come here come here.....go away go away go away!" dynamic that your STBXW's plays with you is keeping you stuck because when says the come heres, your instinct is to run towards her. You've made a lot of progress, do not let her crazy pull you back.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 02:57 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Thornton you hit like a hammer bud. Thatís the cold hard truth of it. This has not been some life lesson for her. She still could give zero fox about what I went through. I see it. Trust that. Was just updating. Anything short of moving mountains isnít going to do much for me at this point. Iíve taken enough of a beating.


Sorry to be so blunt, Steve. I've been on this forum for years and I'm an advocate for fixing marriages. However, your W isn't capable of having a successful relationship (nor being faithful) and I cannot in good conscience support a reconciliation in this instance.

I think if you can do the work and heal from this abusive relationship, you will experience TRUE love with a healthy woman.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 03:40 PM
Hey Steve,

just want to offer some support. Stay strong. I know this is hard but it would be wild to consider staying with her.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/06/21 09:47 PM
Steve, if I'm reading the timeline right your W's "epiphany" was on Christmas day or right before. First of all, ACTIONS matter not WORDS. What do her ACTIONS say? She told you she wanted OM gone and for you to move in with her (words), then the next day she posted pics of her and OM on Facebook (actions). So clearly her actions are at direct odds with reconciling. Second of all, people go through all kinds of feely emotions at Christmas-time. They miss their family activities. Her utterly worthless words may very well have been a result of some -temporary- feelings she was going through due to the holidays. You really should continue as if she had never said any of it. It should be water off a duck's back to you.

If she persists with these type of comments, your response should NOT be "well let me think about that" or "that sounds good but this and this need to happen." DO NOT BE WISHY WASHY. Be firm, confident, resolute. Your response should be "No, I am not interested in a relationship with a cheater." PERIOD. Don't negotiate with a terrorist. At this point there is only one path you should even remotely consider to recon and it is this- she's got to change, and she's got to show you change consistently over a long period of time. Months if not a year or more, and that has to happen BEFORE you go out with her a single time. Months of her working on herself, going to therapy, doing some soul-searching, not dating, focusing on being a fantastic mother, repenting of her ways. IF you see months and months of real change, THEN you might consider going out. And I absolutely do not mean "let's move in together and start dating" as she suggested, that is beyond absurd. I mean you maintain your own separate lives and go out with her once a week to see where things go.

Steve, like an addict you need to go through withdrawals and recovery. Right now you're still addicted to her, you need to wean yourself off. The only way you can do that is to go as dark as you can, keep all discussions to kids and bills. Once you recover, THEN you can determine if you want a R with her, and I have a strong feeling you will say "nope".

Originally Posted by Steve_
To her this is some sick game, some oops I messed up on this OM, itís okay my H will take care of me until I find next OM. I just wanted to post that Iím seeing it now. I thought there was something I did that caused this, that if I stopped doing it this could change. I just finally see that isnít the case. Thatís all it is.


You should print this out and keep it in your wallet as a reminder! You are exactly right.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 04:44 AM
I have to post this I did so good man I impressed myself! Finally! First off the sister and and BFF called me today and said her sister is pretty much a dumbass that needs therapy. Lmao that felt good.

Second she ďkicked him out and his mom and kidsĒ huge meltdown, she called me at work told me she kicked him out, I didnt answer. Honestly I had 13 patients today and I was focused on being a great nurse not a stupid LBH. Didnít even see it until 2 hours later. And didnít respond.

She asked me to take the kids tonight I got tomorrow off, I was going to go fishing but sheís in a bad place my kids are being caught in the argument Iím not tolerating that and I took them. Now WE will go fishing tomorrow me and the kids.

When I picked them up she said ďwell thatís that, I already packed, he offered to pay my rent I told him to [censored] off, Iím moving back to my momsĒ I told her ďsorry It didnít work out for you, I saw right through this guy, never wanted you to get usedĒ I shrugged. She began the tears, I told her ďsee you laterĒ and turned around and left her staying there crying.

I could have been stronger and said nothing but she needed a hug she needed support could see it all over her. And I turned the F around and left her hanging for once in my life. Felt really really really good.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 04:51 AM
A follow up. Do I love her Yes, I really do, do I feel bad for her, in a way sure. But do I feel like a stupid idiot when I lower myself to useless, yep and Iím not doing that. Over this 3 months Iíve felt really good, Iíve got my stuff together, got my own place, had multiple women come after me that I turned down or friend zoned, focused on my kids and they love me more than ever. Iím not letting her mistake take away the work I did on me. I see that I am still in love with my wife but.. I do love myself too. And that is a really good feeling. The ball is actually In my court now, and everything we all saw coming happened, so glad I never have to feel like and idiot sandwich like she does. Keeping my chin up and my mind right Iíll post here before I do anything.

Oh and the lawyer did say she is delaying the divorce on purpose. But at this time itís a fart in the wind. Ok going fishing tomorrow thatís whatís on my mind. And Iím rocking a bit of a validated smile tonight to be honest. smile
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 07:18 AM
Steve,

Youíre mistaking love for addiction. Also, you donít love yourself because if you did you would never consider taking her back. You are not focusing on your kids you are 100% focused on her. So she lied again the divorce hasnít been stopped. Im sorry there is absolutely nothing to see here.

Nothing has changed you are both people of words and no actions.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 12:21 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
I have to post this I did so good man I impressed myself! Finally! First off the sister and and BFF called me today and said her sister is pretty much a dumbass that needs therapy. Lmao that felt good.

Second she ďkicked him out and his mom and kidsĒ huge meltdown, she called me at work told me she kicked him out, I didnt answer. Honestly I had 13 patients today and I was focused on being a great nurse not a stupid LBH. Didnít even see it until 2 hours later. And didnít respond.

She asked me to take the kids tonight I got tomorrow off, I was going to go fishing but sheís in a bad place my kids are being caught in the argument Iím not tolerating that and I took them. Now WE will go fishing tomorrow me and the kids.

When I picked them up she said ďwell thatís that, I already packed, he offered to pay my rent I told him to [censored] off, Iím moving back to my momsĒ I told her ďsorry It didnít work out for you, I saw right through this guy, never wanted you to get usedĒ I shrugged. She began the tears, I told her ďsee you laterĒ and turned around and left her staying there crying.

I could have been stronger and said nothing but she needed a hug she needed support could see it all over her. And I turned the F around and left her hanging for once in my life. Felt really really really good.


Not bad. However, yes you said too much again. Plus you lied. You aren't sorry it didn't work out for her! Other than that, yes this is really good.
Posted By: MrBrside Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 01:43 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
She filed in October, I signed it all. It was amicable, no alimony, no spousal support and fixed 1,000 a month child support. She canít come after my retirement or anything, All in all it was decent for me legally.


Steve,

Just a heads up on this... I assume you are agreeing to pay her $1000 a month child support ?

You "may" want to review your options on this, based on her mentality.

From my personal experience and other posters here, WW doesnt just mean they cheat.. Their whole world goes sideways, including looking after their children.. I have banged on about you stepping up and being their rock - But it "may" get to the point when she finds OM8, OM9 etc and your children are in her way - Being their Rock, you will deal with it and ensure the children are cared for... - But how annoying would it be to working your backside off just to survive and feed the children, while paying her $1000 a month when you are the one providing food and clothe - while she spends the $1000 on nights away with OM11, more cosmetic surgery or a tattoo..

Just a heads up really - I made this exact mistake and my children see very little of the money i agreed to pay the WW - While she gets tagged on drunken nights out but cant afford to buy clothes apparently !
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 02:35 PM
Originally Posted by MrBrside
Originally Posted by Steve_
She filed in October, I signed it all. It was amicable, no alimony, no spousal support and fixed 1,000 a month child support. She canít come after my retirement or anything, All in all it was decent for me legally.


Steve,

Just a heads up on this... I assume you are agreeing to pay her $1000 a month child support ?

You "may" want to review your options on this, based on her mentality.

From my personal experience and other posters here, WW doesnt just mean they cheat.. Their whole world goes sideways, including looking after their children.. I have banged on about you stepping up and being their rock - But it "may" get to the point when she finds OM8, OM9 etc and your children are in her way - Being their Rock, you will deal with it and ensure the children are cared for... - But how annoying would it be to working your backside off just to survive and feed the children, while paying her $1000 a month when you are the one providing food and clothe - while she spends the $1000 on nights away with OM11, more cosmetic surgery or a tattoo..

Just a heads up really - I made this exact mistake and my children see very little of the money i agreed to pay the WW - While she gets tagged on drunken nights out but cant afford to buy clothes apparently !



While maddening, this is unfortunately how western societies have set this up. Steve_, I know you have a lawyer, right? Just to make sure you get the best settlement possible.
Posted By: mtb1981 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 02:47 PM
Good job on not falling for her tricks. You still said too much though. The whole "sorry it didn't work out. I could always see through him" stuff was pointless. Here's what you need to be ready for next...

She's going to continue the crying and I miss you stuff because it has always worked in the past. You need to stick to your guns. Eventually, she's going to see this isnt working and move to the next phase. When her tricks don't work, she's going to get MAD. It's going to switch over to "I was right about you the whole time. You don't care about me. If you did, you would want to work on us. You're a selfish a-hole. I was right for leaving you". Then your brain is going to panic thinking this is the last chance, that maybe she has changed, and you're going to want to take the bait. Don't do it. Her gloves are coming off and it's going to get messy. You only have one goal though. Eyes closed, head down, and move forward. Nothing she says means anything. It's all about Steve and the kids. Don't let her weasel her way back in and screw it up...

Have fun fishing with the kids! i hope you catch some big ones!...
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 03:20 PM
Be a grey rock around her.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 04:47 PM
Quote
I could have been stronger and said nothing but she needed a hug she needed support could see it all over her. And I turned the F around and left her hanging for once in my life. Felt really really really good.


If I'm reading your statement correctly, then you get a star for turning around and walking away from her dramatics. Yes, I could point out some things you shouldn't have said, but if you could find the strength to leave her hanging........then that's great progress in your personal growth.

In the past, you would have seen all of this as an answer to prayer, and you would have totally played into her hands. She was banking on you leaping for joy when she told you she kicked OM and his family out of her house, and had the audacity to say she wanted you to move in with her. Fair warning, Steve, she's not going to give up so easily.......but you are thinking about what's good for Steve and growing some b@lls. This doesn't mean you are selfish, it just means you are shedding the scales that have been over your eyes.......and you are fed up with her.

In the days to come, I want you to remember how good it felt when you turned around and left her hanging. You felt like a man for the first time in a long time. You were not putty in her hands. Use your own post about that day as a reference point when you have moments you want to cave.

This action was and will continue being the best thing for everyone. It's exactly what needs to happen when dealing with a wayward W. She will have to be convinced that you are no longer interested in her. She will have to be convinced that she's lost you, and you're not going to be her backup plan anymore.

Instead of thinking you are the loser.........turn it around and see that she is losing YOU. Currently, she still believes moving back with her temporary fix for her unpleasant experience of giving a home to OM's kids and mother. She doesn't want to work on herself.........she just wants to be rescued from a situation that didn't produce the results she wanted. She doesn't see that it's not that simple anymore, b/c it always work for her in the past......until she had the next affair. She has caused permanent damage, and she can't just pick up where she left off in a relationship. She's affecting lives, but she's too messed up to see or care.

You are like a diabetic who is craving sugar. You know it can kill you, but you still want it. So, what should a diabetic do? They learn how to manage their life with healthy choices......or suffer the consequences. They have to maintain a regiment of diet, activity, medication, rest, etc. See what I'm saying? They can't take just one shot of insulin and expect it to last for the rest of their life. It is a matter of maintenance. It's not fun, but their life depends on it.

((hugs))
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 04:48 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_

Second she ďkicked him out and his mom and kidsĒ huge meltdown, she called me at work told me she kicked him out, I didnt answer. Honestly I had 13 patients today and I was focused on being a great nurse not a stupid LBH. Didnít even see it until 2 hours later. And didnít respond.


GREAT!!!!

Quote
She asked me to take the kids tonight I got tomorrow off, I was going to go fishing but sheís in a bad place my kids are being caught in the argument Iím not tolerating that and I took them. Now WE will go fishing tomorrow me and the kids.


OK be careful you're not trying to step in and rescue her. If you are strictly doing it to protect the kids then by all means. But don't be Mr Fixit.

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When I picked them up she said ďwell thatís that, I already packed, he offered to pay my rent I told him to [censored] off, Iím moving back to my momsĒ I told her ďsorry It didnít work out for you, I saw right through this guy, never wanted you to get usedĒ I shrugged. She began the tears, I told her ďsee you laterĒ and turned around and left her staying there crying.


See the strikethrough up above. That should not have been said. Other than that, well done!

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Be a grey rock around her.


^^^ YES ABSOLUTELY ^^^ Very important, especially if she's a narcissist. If you don't know about the grey rock technique please Google it and read up on it.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 04:49 PM
Quite frankly, I donít think she is a ďwayward wifeĒ She is mentally ill. She is not well. She needs professional help. Until she gets that and is medicated or in therapy and a completely changed woman, she will be toxic most likely forever .
Posted By: Thornton Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 05:26 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Quite frankly, I donít think she is a ďwayward wifeĒ She is mentally ill. She is not well. She needs professional help. Until she gets that and is medicated or in therapy and a completely changed woman, she will be toxic most likely forever .


I agree ^^^
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 07:14 PM
Yeah me too wholeheartedly. I have asked her sister to get her Into therapy and she really wants to get her into it. Says she is lost. I asked her to try and convince the WW to go to therapy at least for our kids sake. Hopefully she does.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 07:23 PM
You canít force her. She has to want to get help.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 07:47 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
You canít force her. She has to want to get help.


And neither can her sister.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 08:32 PM
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by MrBrside
I assume you are agreeing to pay her $1000 a month child support ?

You "may" want to review your options on this, based on her mentality.

From my personal experience and other posters here, WW doesnt just mean they cheat.. Their whole world goes sideways, including looking after their children.. I have banged on about you stepping up and being their rock - But it "may" get to the point when she finds OM8, OM9 etc and your children are in her way - Being their Rock, you will deal with it and ensure the children are cared for... - But how annoying would it be to working your backside off just to survive and feed the children, while paying her $1000 a month when you are the one providing food and clothe - while she spends the $1000 on nights away with OM11, more cosmetic surgery or a tattoo..

Just a heads up really - I made this exact mistake and my children see very little of the money i agreed to pay the WW - While she gets tagged on drunken nights out but cant afford to buy clothes apparently !

While maddening, this is unfortunately how western societies have set this up. Steve_, I know you have a lawyer, right? Just to make sure you get the best settlement possible.

Agreed. By all means retain a top attorney and ensure you're getting the best deal possible but it doesn't surprise me at all. Even though I'm caring for the kids much more than 50/50, my wife has gotten a tattoo and elective surgery, and I'm still paying her a good bit more than $1000/month and my attorney said that's the best deal (under the law) I'm gonna get in terms of child support. This is solely because they go to her house to sleep 50/50 (nights matter, not days) even though I'm with them as much if not more than her during the days even on her weeks. The courts won't change that based on things like nutrition, hygiene, affair partners staying over...etc. Unless they're a drug addict or abusing the kids, it's solely based on incomes. If you look at it the situation rationally it's completely unfair and doesn't make any sense, but that is the way the laws are written in many states. It is maddening, but it's also just money. The way I look at it is I'm just happy to spend more time with the kids, because if it was based on other factors than maybe W wouldn't be as keen on me seeing them before/after school and all day Fridays, and me having more time with them may become a battle.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/07/21 10:10 PM
Therapy isn't worth a hoot a lot of times. The patient really needs to be all in otherwise it's just the Tony Soprano effect.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 07:11 PM
An update

WW called me tuesday night and asked me take the kids for the night becayse there was a "war" going on with her and OM. I said "okay the kids dont need to be involved in that mess, no prob" Next day she asks if If I could give her a hand with getting her stuff out of the apartment, she was unwilling to wait for OM to leave and get his own place and she wanted out and the kids out asap as there was issues between OM, his kids, my kids, etc. I said sure since I had the day off and I am the only one with a pickup truck. She told OM to take his mom and leave and I pretty much unloaded her whole place minus the furniature. She thanked me, was very tearful at moments and told me "this is the biggest mistake I ever made, I really really F'd up" She went on to say that everyone including OM's best friend is tellng her to get her husband back. She told me she doesnt think its fair to do what she did and come back to me. I told her "We all make mistakes, life is unpredictable, I am not here to talk about our relationship, I am here to help you get yourself and the kids out of this mess" She then went on to say she was considering filing a stopping of the divorce with the A. She asked me to stay at her moms and hang out awhile once I had moved her stuff, I said "no I gotta go do laundry and what not" Shes very into punishing OM right now and posts things about being happy to mess with him. She even asked me to take the bed apart and the furniature apart so OM couldnt use it. She said OM can keep the matress, I told her im not interested in playing petty games she said okay and had our brother in law come over and dismanlte everything and leave it. IDk and IDC what went down between her and OM but she seemed pissed off and terribly disrespecful to him. She took everything out, food, laundry soap, offered me everything i wanted from the place.

I declined everything and just helped her move and went home, I kept it light and she and I did a lot of laughing and so on during the moving. I went back to my place and that was that.

I have never heard the words come out of her mouth that I heard wednesday "I f'd up, this was the biggest mistake of my life, I realized nobody loves our kids the way we do, and that no man is worth my time except you"

She still is keeping her distance and processing things, she is not asking to recon, but she told my 7 year old she might, and she mentions things about us in the future. At this point in time I am not lifting any fingers for her, she is spinning everywhere and flip flopping as to be expected from what I seen but her whole fam is pushing for her to recon with me and im just giving her space I honestly feel like she is a wild wounded animal and she is being erratic. I believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. I do not trust her, and I do not want to ever feel what she put me through again. but thats the latest update.

She asked me to come by the sister in laws house to pick up the kids tonight and asked me to stay with the family a bit they will all be there for nephews birthday and they all miss me. I will go and socialize with them, I miss them as well but I will keep interactions with my W to a minimum. She is far from healthy right now and I dont need the mess.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 07:18 PM
Painful to read.
Posted By: Joe2017 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 07:33 PM
Personally, I would not have done that at all. Her mess is HER mess to clean up, not yours. I would 100% let my kids stay at my place while she sorts out her dumpster fire emergency BS, but I would not have helped her move. You can protect your kid and NOT help her, it's completely possible.

But that's just my opinion, and I realize I'm a little bit on the aggressive side when it comes to NC. My first instinct is that she was temp checking the hell out of you and trying to manipulate you.

Good job keeping it business only though.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 07:41 PM
Yeah I considered it and I decided if it gets my kids out of there before OM can suck them back in, im dong it. I kept it about that. I wanted my kids to be happy and that environment was not good, if I didnt help she would be there longer since I work a lot now. So I took the opportunity to get them out before she changed her mind or whatever else.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 07:47 PM
Who is to say she doesnít change her mind and then you have to move them back in again?
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 07:54 PM
Not going to happen lol I moved them away from the mess, no way in hell I will move them anywhere else. I see that was a jab/2x4 LH lol, I can assure you I am not that weak or stupid and I have come a long way since OM drop in end of Oct.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 08:09 PM
Steve,

It was a little shot lol.

Your words say you changed your actions say you havenít changed.

I will continue to judge you by your actions.
Posted By: Mumin Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 08:14 PM
Good job staying business only. Unfortunately I also think you shouldnt have don this.
She could've just rented a truck and done it herself.
"I decided if it gets my kids out of there before OM can suck them back in, im dong it."
Also here, I hope you realize the next OM might be just moths/weeks away given your W's previous endeavors.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 08:35 PM
I know I have serious attachment issues, im working to overcome those. Its been very hard for me. Through Nov and half of dec I was still actively "trying" to fix things like 100% at this time my effort towards the M is about 10%. (II know it should be zero but I am doing a LOT better than I was even a month ago)

I honestly did this because my son is miserable there, and its making the whole family miserable too. I saw a chance to get in there and get my kids out. And to at the same time show that im not a petty or vengeful person that wont be there when I can do something good for my kids. My W still contacts OM about logistics and such but has moved out. I have no doubt she will do more stupid stuff, but the fact I got my kids to a place they are comfortable and safe with family is a win for me. I know its not DBing to do husband stuff to a WW but when my WW told me she is leaving him and needed help to get out ASAP I did what I thought was the right thing to do. She told me she was relieved and said thank you so much about 10 times. Not the strongest aplha approach I could have let her deal with it, but I felt I did the right thing.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 08:53 PM
Steve,

The tough part to read was when you told her everyone makes mistakes. You were telling her that cheating on you seven times was ok. Itís not ok Steve.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 09:20 PM
Oh i see No NO NO lol I did not mean it that way when I said it. When she said she really F'd up and it was a huge mistake to bring the kids there because nobody loves them the way her and I do I said "we all make mistakes" she wasnt refering to what she did to me with that it was regarding the kids. I told her that because she was taking it hard that our son pretty much hates her right now. She did say she F'd up badly leaving me and she said more stuff about getting a new wedding dress and about how she thinks she may let the divorce continue to just start it over etc etc I did not respond to any of that. I said to her actually "Im a Nurse, I like to fix broken things and heal people, im not an archaeologist I dont want to dig up the past" and I just went back to stacking boxes. Honestly I did pretty good.
Posted By: Joe2017 Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 09:34 PM
Steve, you are in a bad sitch man. I'm sorry.

You need to protect yourself more. You need space. She is just using you right now. She's in between guys and you are there to be her friendzone buddy that helped her move.

If she wants to reconcile then she is going to have to do a lot of work. If she is not willing to do 100% of the things necessary then she is just going to hurt you and your kids again. It sounds like she is spiraling. You need to be careful because it is going to be dangerous.
Posted By: Mumin Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 09:58 PM
So in the midst of you saving her she somehow mentions a new wedding dress??? For which wedding????!
Sheís practically insane and has zero empathy towards you.
Posted By: job Re: Finally DBing and Accepting - 01/09/21 10:06 PM
Time for a new thread and please link this one to it.
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