WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont3.)

[ScottB]

My last thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...amp;Number=2908179&nt=11&page=11

[ScottB]

R2C: Thanks for the message. I would not send one of the kids teachers a message for Thanksgiving, but I did send her one. All it said was Happy Thanksgiving.

And, I don't know that it makes sense to re-attract her. Of course, right now that's what I want and I would take her back. She was my best friend, and we were actually friendly to the end. We never fought much and we always shared our lives with one another. That's led to me feeling very lonely because I don't have my friend anymore.

BUT as I evaluate our relationship, her resentment, the destruction of trust, and the work we would have to do to rebuild, makes me think that its probably not possible for it to work. The reality is that she would have to do her work and she's never really been willing to do that.

And then there were the unhealthy habits we had - she would really light me up if I did something for myself or with friends. She would tell me how selfish I was. It got to the point I didn't even want to invite my parents over because she made it uncomfortable.
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As much as I'm trying to GAL, I'm just struggling to detach and move on. I'm not sure what more I can do. I have decided to start my IC back up, which I hope will help me process everything. I'm very sad, but not depressed.

My kids are doing great and seem to have really accepted this - which oddly makes it harder because I feel like I'm all alone in my sadness - its weird.

I had the kids last night and that was great. We tried to decorate the house for Christmas and made a mess because I've never done it before. We have stuff all over the place and we'll work more on it tonight. Thursday and Friday they will be with their mom and then I get them for 5 days straight, which will be awesome - of course then I won't have them for the 5 days after that which will be hard. I'm already trying to think of plans for those days.

My parents come back to town in mid-December, so I'll have family I can hang with when I'm down, which is great, but they don't really understand and its not the same as having MY family.

I know that dealing with this pain is a process and it will take time. I hope IC can help me get through it faster.

I guess from a DB standpoint, continuing with No Contact and GAL are the most important steps.

[ScottB]

I got some good advice today. “If it’s easy, don’t do it.” That was from a divorcee who was basically saying as I go through this to remember who i am. I liked that.

And in one of LHs posts on a different thread he talked about someone being in love with being married, as opposed to being in love with their spouse. That really resonated with me.

Both of those thoughts are making me think.

[Ready2Change]

I don't know that it makes sense to re-attract her. Of course, right now that's what I want and I would take her back....The reality is that she would have to do her work and she's never really been willing to do that.

So this is key.

You fix you. You become the best you. You learn new ways to interact with people. You learn new behaviors.

[Thornton]

Scott,

I’m sorry you are struggling lately, we’ve all been there. I promise you it does get easier with time and you can’t go wrong with IC.

One thing I swear by is working out in tandem with working on your issues in therapy. It’s important to have both a healthy mind and a healthy body. You will sleep better, feel better, and look better. You will also start to gain your confidence again.

If you haven’t already, start working out and doing some cardio. And make sure you’re physically exhausting yourself when working out. Hope that helps.

Hang in there.

[OnlyBent]

And, I don't know that it makes sense to re-attract her. Of course, right now that's what I want and I would take her back. She was my best friend, and we were actually friendly to the end. We never fought much and we always shared our lives with one another. That's led to me feeling very lonely because I don't have my friend anymore.

BUT as I evaluate our relationship, her resentment, the destruction of trust, and the work we would have to do to rebuild, makes me think that its probably not possible for it to work. The reality is that she would have to do her work and she's never really been willing to do that.

And then there were the unhealthy habits we had - she would really light me up if I did something for myself or with friends. She would tell me how selfish I was. It got to the point I didn't even want to invite my parents over because she made it uncomfortable.

Hey Scotty, I can relate to all of this. I miss her and feel lonely, but of course the rejection makes it all feel worse. The evaluation you speak is really helpful, I try and visualise what it would be like if she came back today, but with no changes. And honestly, it doesn't look very appealing.

I agree, she would would have to do her work too, and like your W, my W has never seen the need nor had the inclination to do it. How I am looking at it now is, if she came back and wanted to do the work (and it isn't too late) then great, but if she doesn't want to do the work, then also fine, because she isn't the type of person that I want to be with. So either way, the choice becomes that bit easier to deal with in that sense.

[ScottB]

I learned a simple lesson tonight. I texted my wife to ask for one of our laundry baskets back. We had four of them and she took all of them and I just wanted one (I now have none). So 3 hours later I’m sitting here gripping because i haven’t heard back. That was stupid. Go no contact, stay no contact, but a stupid laundry basket.

[LH19]

Scotty B

Lol you will learn the hard way. Amazon Prime is a must my friend especially in the middle of a pandemic.

Trust me you will get to a place where you will hate to ask her anything and will recoil when you see a text from her.

[SteveLW]

I learned a simple lesson tonight. I texted my wife to ask for one of our laundry baskets back. We had four of them and she took all of them and I just wanted one (I now have none). So 3 hours later I’m sitting here gripping because i haven’t heard back. That was stupid. Go no contact, stay no contact, but a stupid laundry basket.

When you do things out of the emotion. Anger ("SHE TOOK ALL THE LAUNDRY BASKETS!"). A sense of right ("I SHOULD AT LEAST GET 1 OF THEM BACK!") Or even hurt: ("WHY WOULD SHE TAKE ALL 4 AND LEAVE ME WITH NONE?") It is hardly ever going to be the right thing. I learned in my own sitch years ago that when I was emotional, DB principles went out the window. But when I remained calm and even, and even chuckled at the circumstance ("Ha, she even took all 4 laundry baskets...what a nut!") then I was able to think clearly, remember what I had learned, and apply it.

It doesn't come naturally though. Our first instinct is to do what you did. I failed early on too, but I remained committed to DBing and got better at it. I was never separated from my W, we were IHS, but she did a lot of little things to "test" me. Learning to let go and realize BEFORE you give into your instincts that "it is just a laundry basket!" will eventually become easier for you.

One tactic we try to get LBSs to try is to come here and use the forum as a test balloon. "Hey, my STBXW took all 4 of the laundry baskets when she moved out. Should I text her and ask for one back?" The forum is really good at giving you advice before you take action. So next time you have the urge to fire off a text message, even in response, come here first and get advice.

[ScottB]

On the stupid laundry basket, she text me back three hours later and said she would leave one on the porch when I dropped off the kids stuff.

Dropping off the kids at school today was really hard. I started tearing up as I drove away, I parked and shed some tears in the parking lot. Got to work and a colleague asked how I was doing and that got me again - I could hardly talk and started to cry. Even typing this message I'm tearing up.

I'm finding that at this time, when I have the kids and they call her I get angry and jealous. I'm mad at her and I don't want them talking to her on my time - of course I allow it, I'm just sharing my feelings here.

And then as the clock winds down and I have to let the kids go and I know I won't see them for a couple of days, I just tear up and start to cry.

I want to talk to her to - I'd love to know how her tennis went yesterday, but missing her isn't my challenge right now. Its really focused on the time I'm losing with the kids. That's what is getting me the most.

I also want to let them be who they are and live their lives, but when I have them I'm worried I'm overburdening them by wanting to talk with them and spend time with them, such that they might feel pressured.

The next couple of weeks will just continue to be very hard. I'm dreading next week when I go five days without them. I'm trying to make plans to stay busy, but I'm still dreading it.

[SteveLW]

GAL is your friend.

[LH19]

Scotty B,

All completely normal. Your W would never admit it but I bet she does it too. It will get easier.

I hear what you’re saying. My daughter asked to sleep over her friends house on Saturday. I was disappointed but didn’t show it. I don’t want her to not have a normal life and worry about my feelings.

I will say it again. In time once everything folds out, you’ll give two $hits how her tennis lesson went.

[Thornton]

Hey Scott,

It's ok to cry and let it out. In fact, letting it out is exactly what you should be doing. Just don't do it in front of her.

I can recall times at work that I needed to go out to my car because I thought I was going to break down in front of all my colleagues. I also remember days where I was so distraught at work that I literally surfed Divorcebusting
for the entire day looking for anything to make me feel better.

While you can't see it right now, with time you will slowly get stronger and stronger. And like LH says, eventually you won't even care what your W says or does.

Just hang in there and keep posting. We are all pulling for you.

[AnotherStander]

I learned a simple lesson tonight. I texted my wife to ask for one of our laundry baskets back. We had four of them and she took all of them and I just wanted one (I now have none).

Get ready for some serious pettiness. I'm sure the W you knew before would never be so petty about a laundry basket, but welcome to your new reality. There will be more to come.

I've related this story before and every time I do I wonder if people actually believe me because it sounds too absurd to be true. But it did indeed happen- when my XW was packing to move she took an empty bottle and, as I watched, poured half of the bottle of dishwashing liquid into it. I would have given my life for this woman, and at one time she would have done the same I am sure. But there she was making sure she had "her half" of the dishwashing liquid. If she had asked me I would have told her to take the whole bottle and whatever else she wanted from the kitchen, I mean COME ON!!!!!!!

So next time something like this comes up just go buy a new one. Let her be petty.

As a side note, that wasn't permanent. My XW later resorted back to being the same caring, giving person I remembered. I was at her house for Thanksgiving last week and she heard me talking to my daughter about how I would like to get an iWatch to monitor my heartrate during my workouts, she (XW) told me not to get one "because Christmas is coming up". Blows my mind.

[Ready2Change]

It's ok to cry and let it out. In fact, letting it out is exactly what you should be doing. Just don't do it in front of her.

Yes. Letting out your emotions is the healthy thing to do. Find a safe place. Make a time for it.

Need to express some anger? See if you have a "rage room" service in your area. I haven't done it but I think it would be a great experience.

Need to cry? Rent Marley and me. It should trigger the sadness. The trigger doesn't matter. Letting your emotions out is what is important. Watch it alone and let the tear fly. Embrace the process. Feel the pain.

We have been where you are. It is normal.

[Ready2Change]

As far as the laundry basket, get a really nice manly. Let her have the cheap old ones.

Google this for a few ideas: SKU: W001802132

[Ready2Change]

Parenting is your #1 responsibility. Do your 50%. Do it during your parenting time. Let the Mother have her 50%. With the other 50% of your time, taking care of you is your responsibility.

50% DAD / 50% SCOTT.

Enjoy the time with your kids when you have them. Enjoy your time alone when they are with mom. Take care of business when they are gone. Take care of them when they are with you.

[ScottB]

Thanks folks.

So after I wrote I got a call from my mom, my dad tested positive for Covid. The test was on Monday. The kids and I were with them while my wife moved out of the house and based on incubation times me and the kids have to quarantine and so does my wife.

I texted her to tell her because I knew a call would not go well. I picked them up from school because she had a job interview, they will now be out until 12/15. My wife doesn't work, so she'll be fine - except she doesn't work so when she doesn't have the kids she is going to be pretty lonely.

So once her interview was over she came to get the kids. She didn't even get out of the car. She texted me to let me know she was here and I carried all their stuff out to her car. She asked a couple of questions and drove away.

To a degree, I kind of thought it was funny. [censored] though, now I'm also going to have to quarantine and GAL will be tougher. I'll work, I'll work on my guitar, I may work out in my garage, but this is going to be tough.

Lucky for me I get the kids on Friday for 5 days. Then I'll have a real rough stretch for 5 as she will have them 5 in a row.

[ScottB]

I just got a text from my wife that says we need to talk about Christmas. Initially we were going to do it together but I'm betting she's planning to change that now. That should be interesting.

Also, our mediation session tomorrow might get spicy because of this whole quarantine thing.

[LH19]

My wife doesn't work, so she'll be fine - except she doesn't work so when she doesn't have the kids she is going to be pretty lonely.

Scotty B I really think you need to brace yourself for the fact that there is already another man in her life.

[LH19]

I just got a text from my wife that says we need to talk about Christmas. Initially we were going to do it together but I'm betting she's planning to change that now. That should be interesting.

IMO good because a joint Christmas will probably set you back afterwards.

[SteveLW]

Scott, I've told other LBSs this but it is frustrating to see posters here who have WASs that are better at this stuff than they are. Your WAW has this stuff down. Texting to let you know she was there. Asking a couple of questions and driving off. These are all actions you could learn from! It is how you should be with her. Short. Sweet. To the point. Business only.

Split Christmases are in your best interests. Kids already know what is going on so you don't have to keep the illusion for them.

I agree wholeheartedly with LH. There have been red flags of an OM all over this. Her push to move out being the biggest. It is hard to date your new man when you live with your own one. Be prepared for that other show to drop.

[Ready2Change]

I just got a text from my wife that says we need to talk about Christmas.

Text her back:

W:"We need to talk about Xmas"
H:"I agree. I think it is best we get exchange times nailed down so there is no confusion".

Or something similar. See how I agree with the We need to talk.( Talking does not need to be talking. TEXTING or EMAIL is much better for you. ) Then I say what I think is best. Then I say I want to reduce confusion.


Always go in with the mind set of getting agreements, clarification or reducing confusion.

What is YOUR goal for the conversation. YOU lead the direction.

[SteveLW]

I just got a text from my wife that says we need to talk about Christmas.

Text her back:

W:"We need to talk about Xmas"
H:"I agree. I think it is best we get exchange times nailed down so there is no confusion".

Or something similar. See how I agree with the We need to talk. Then I say what I think is best. Then I say I want to reduce confusion.


Always go in with the mind set of getting agreements, clarification or reducing confusion.

What is YOUR goal for the conversation. YOU lead the direction.

I LIKE THIS!

See the beauty in this Scott? You don't get to choose whether or not you do a joint Christmas. Why? Because she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to and you cannot make her. BUT, you do get to decide that YOU don't want to do a joint Christmas.

"I've decided it would be in everyone's best interest to do Christmas separately. I suggest we nail down exchange times so there is no confusion."

She might hate you for it.....but she will respect you!

[ScottB]

LH: We'll see. I'm not sure it matters one way or the other, if there is just means she's worse than I thought. I think it might actually make it easier. Of course I'm not sure how I would find out.

Here's a question for the board. If my wife texts me a sarcastic remark, example:

Me: My mom just tested positive for Covid.
Her: Great

Do I reply? I know she said "Great" sarcastically because now she has to take the kids to get them tested. I thought about replying with.

Me: Actually, Not great. I wish she didn't have it.

But I didn't.

[SteveLW]

No.

Remember the rules of engagement:

Texts that aren't questions....no response. Texts that are questions "When can we discuss Christmas?" do not get answered right away (answer in your own time), and then only in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

Great = NO RESPONSE

So you did well.

[Traveler]

Hi Scott,

the kids have to quarantine and so does my wife.

I texted her to tell her because I knew a call would not go well. I picked them up from school because she had a job interview, they will now be out until 12/15. My wife doesn't work, so she'll be fine - except she doesn't work so when she doesn't have the kids she is going to be pretty lonely.

You are being a good citizen by quarantining yourself and the kids--props! I've met people who follow all guidelines, only convenient guidelines, or ignore guidelines altogether. As you enter the holiday discussion, remember to listen and take time to consider her words and, if presented with options, what you really want before responding. Remember what you control--you (at all times), your kids (during your custody periods). You don't control her or your kids during her custody periods. She may not choose to be lonely.

[Ready2Change]

"I've decided it would be in everyone's best interest to do Christmas separately. I suggest we nail down exchange times so there is no confusion."

This is how you lead


H "I believe we should come up with a split that is fair and equal and alternate every year. Does this work for you?"

[LH19]

LH: We'll see. I'm not sure it matters one way or the other, if there is just means she's worse than I thought. I think it might actually make it easier. Of course I'm not sure how I would find out.

Here's a question for the board. If my wife texts me a sarcastic remark, example:

Me: My mom just tested positive for Covid.
Her: Great

Do I reply? I know she said "Great" sarcastically because now she has to take the kids to get them tested. I thought about replying with.

Me: Actually, Not great. I wish she didn't have it.

But I didn't.

It only matters from a standpoint of how you view her moving forward.

I actually don’t mind your response. Don’t be afraid to call her on her bull$hit.

[Ready2Change]

If my wife texts me a sarcastic remark, example:

Me: My mom just tested positive for Covid.
Her: Great

Might be better to not worry about hypotheticals. Deal with reality as it hits you. Post the real messages here when you would like guidance.

Steve gave you the DBing guidelines.

[Traveler]

Might be better to not worry about hypotheticals.

This is great advice! Less time worrying, being anxious, etc. is more time to actually live and GAL. Remember, you don't need to respond in real-time, and usually, it's better not to.

[ScottB]

No.

Remember the rules of engagement:

Texts that aren't questions....no response. Texts that are questions "When can we discuss Christmas?" do not get answered right away (answer in your own time), and then only in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

Great = NO RESPONSE

So you did well.

I like this. I'm going to put this in my phone to reference.

[ScottB]

Text I need to respond to:

"Did your parents just tell you about their symptoms and test today?"

The truth is Dad said on Sunday that mom was worn out from us leaving on vacation. Else, they didn't tell me anything. How should I respond? I'm sure she is only asking to nail me or my family with this question.

[Ginger1]

“Yes”

[Spiral]

Maybe, I've been doing this wrong, but why respond to texts? You have children. You'll exchange them in the near future. You can discuss anything important then. And remember to walk away the second she makes a snide comment. Both the texts and the snide comments are likely to stop shortly thereafter. Then, the only communication you have is essential communication and that's easy to deal with.

-Spiral

[ScottB]

So I just replied "Yes" to her text.

And yes, maybe she is out "divorce busting" me. I forgot to send my daughters orthodontic mask with her so my wife text me that she would pick it up. And then she asked that I sit it on the porch.

Just kind of funny to me how she wants no interaction at all.

Spiral: I think you are doing it right. Good for you. I'm challenged. But Steve85's message about text rules was helpful.

[SteveLW]

She wants no interaction because she is moving on. You should be moving on too.....and therefore you should want no interaction at all either.

[LH19]

Scotty B

Right now she doesn’t want to be around you because she doesn’t want you to play your Jedi mind tricks on her trying to get her back. (Her words). This will change most likely in time when she feels safe to be around you.

[ScottB]

But LH, the force is everywhere!
Haha

[ScottB]

Mediation is kicking off virtually in ten minutes.

[LH19]

Good luck Scotty B!

[WMLC]

ScottB,

Good luck with mediation. Remember, this is a business transaction. Do not get sucked into her emotional games or a tit-for-tat contest. Know what you want to get in any settlement and be fair and even-keeled. Stay strong. You got this!

W

[AnotherStander]

And yes, maybe she is out "divorce busting" me.

What she's doing is "marriage busting". It's a whole lot easier than DBing. After BD your intuitions are telling you to beg plead, etc. and DBing is forcing yourself to do the opposite and give her time and space. Marriage busting is the opposite though, her intuitions are telling her that she wants nothing to do with you and to shun you like you have a horrible disease, and she is fully embracing those intuitions and doing exactly what they are telling her. She might decide to let go of the marriage busting at some point but it's going to take a while.

I make this distinction because DBing is giving her time and space while STANDING for your M. It is LOVINGLY detaching. Marriage busting is not that at all, she wants to wreck the marriage to pursue something or someone else and has no intention of lifting a finger for the M.

I forgot to send my daughters orthodontic mask with her so my wife text me that she would pick it up. And then she asked that I sit it on the porch.

Like I said in the last post, be prepared for lots more pettiness. This is ridiculous, immature behavior. Would it kill her to behave like an adult when it comes to co-parenting? You can't control it though, so you just have to roll with it for now. If she starts demanding stupid stuff like you come over and drop the mask off on HER porch, then it will be time to create some boundaries.

[ScottB]

AS - That is a great distinction between marriage busting and divorce busting. They share some similar tactics but for very different reasons. Both create space I guess.
------------------
Mediation went relatively well. I didn't feel like I got drug over the coals at all (not yet). We established a temporary agreement on money. My wife was crying about how she would pay all of her bills. I volunteered more money to help. At the end of the day we are splitting it all anyways. What was interesting is I went with a pretty big number and then she wanted less. The cracked me up a bit.

On the budget number we set, I think I'll still be able to go do stuff, but its going to be a bit tight.

I do feel for her. She is a bit delusional and is not seeing reality clearly. Alluded to things I've said that aren't true and I think she forgets that she had her mom buy her a house and moved out. That the reason she has any money concerns. If she had hung tight until we got divorced she would have no money issues. I imagine she forgot that.

Anyhow, all and all a good day I guess - even if it totally sucked, it could have been worse. She also continues to show that there is no chance at reconciliation that makes it easier for me to detach.

Steve85's rules on texting have really been clutch over the past 24 hours. THANK YOU STEVE!

I get the kids tomorrow and I'm very excited. I'm hoping that I get negative test results by next Tuesday so I can go see friends again and go to the gym.

The hardest part right now is not seeing the kids but I guess I'll get used to that. I also did not hit her back on Christmas plans, so I'm letting that come to me at the moment when she brings it back up.

[ScottB]

Ok - You said to complain here.

She took our freaking Vanilla? Who takes Vanilla??? I understand the spice racks, and I understand the special olive oil she liked, but the Vanilla? <Insert Scream Here>

That is all (for now).

[LH19]

Scotty B,

How does she continue to show there’s no chance of reconciliation?

[ScottB]

LH - I guess I don't know that there is no chance at reconciliation; I am making an assumption based on her actions and the things she is saying.
-----
More continues to go down. Her and my son had four confrontations yesterday that she told me about and I looked at his phone and he texted a friend of his "I don't give a carp for my mom right now." So they are not doing good.

I imagine that the kids are picking up that she is not being nice and that she moved out and that is not helping her with him at least. She has sent me four emails about the kids over the past 15 hours.

I offered up to her, when she dropped them off today, a device we had to help manage screen time and she scoffed at me saying "I don't want that." I had bought it to help manage her relationship with my son in the past because she was struggling to enforce limits on his screen time, which is exactly what the issue was yesterday. Oh well, I guess I really need to stay out of it (of course she had emailed me asking what we should do).

Anyhow, I'll eventually reply to her emails when the work day is over or something, not a high priority. She did ask me to take my temperature as I think she was hoping that I would have a fever and she would use that to take the kids from me. Fortunately I was running a cool 97.9
------

On another note I put tuperware on the top shelf of the dishwasher today. That felt really good. My wife had a thing that tuperware couldn't go in the dishwasher. I also bought my vanilla last night at the store - that stuff is the cost of gold!

This morning as I got ready for the kids drop off I was having a ball. Had the radio up all the way and was dancing around. I love getting the kids. Peace out for now folks. Thanks for all of your support.

[LH19]

LH - I guess I don't know that there is no chance at reconciliation; I am making an assumption based on her actions and the things she is saying.

What that she is divorcing?

More continues to go down. Her and my son had four confrontations yesterday that she told me about and I looked at his phone and he texted a friend of his "I don't give a carp for my mom right now." So they are not doing good.

Yep. Get use to that. I deal with it all the time. She will need someone to take her misery out on and you won't be there so the kids get it.

I offered up to her, when she dropped them off today, a device we had to help manage screen time and she scoffed at me saying "I don't want that." I had bought it to help manage her relationship with my son in the past because she was struggling to enforce limits on his screen time, which is exactly what the issue was yesterday. Oh well, I guess I really need to stay out of it (of course she had emailed me asking what we should do).

I would suggest that you let her deal with her issues herself. If you want to just validate that is fine too. Whatever you do please do not tell her the kids are acting out because of the D. That will just get her pissed at you.

On another note I put tuperware on the top shelf of the dishwasher today. That felt really good. My wife had a thing that tuperware couldn't go in the dishwasher. I also bought my vanilla last night at the store - that stuff is the cost of gold!

It's awesome doing whatever the fuch you want in your own house.

This morning as I got ready for the kids drop off I was having a ball. Had the radio up all the way and was dancing around. I love getting the kids.

Yep! It becomes your favorite day of the week and gives you something to look forward to.

Scotty B I see a slight change in you. I think you are slowly seeing this is not a death sentence for you.

[Ready2Change]

On another note I put tuperware on the top shelf of the dishwasher today. That felt really good. My wife had a thing that tuperware couldn't go in the dishwasher.

Watch out, that is a class 3 felony! Do the forks go tines up or down? Do the plates always have to face right? LOL

[Ready2Change]

She has sent me four emails about the kids over the past 15 hours. I offered up to her, when she dropped them off today, a device we had to help manage screen time and she scoffed at me saying "I don't want that."

Offer validation, not solutions, to her problems.

[Mumin]

On another note I put tuperware on the top shelf of the dishwasher today. That felt really good. My wife had a thing that tuperware couldn't go in the dishwasher.

Watch out, that is a class 3 felony! Do the forks go tines up or down? Do the plates always have to face right? LOL

Lol my W was the opposite. She wouldn’t care for things at all, just appearances.
She’d put dirty frying pans etc into the drawers just to make the kitchen LOOK clean... rly?

“She will need someone to take her misery out on and you won't be there so the kids get it.” This is so sad. Fuchin WWs!


Scott be happy LH is here!
Stay away from helping her out. Let her handle her side of things, including her time with the kids.
If kids are having a hard time give them an opportunity to vent and validate. Be their rock!

[ScottB]

She's sent me 6 emails in the last 24 hours 4 about the kids and two about our finances. Geez-o-peetz, leave me alone. I've got the kids and I just want to chill with them.

[LH19]

Lol. Get use to it. It’s never good news when you hear from them.

[Traveler]

Hi Scott,

When my ex was more contentious, I waited until I didn't have my kids to respond to anything substantial. As you say, this is your time with the kids, and little is so urgent it needs a same-day reply.

[Ready2Change]

She's sent me 6 emails in the last 24 hours 4 about the kids and two about our finances. Geez-o-peetz, leave me alone. I've got the kids and I just want to chill with them.

Enjoy your time with the kids. Some of my best memories with them are right after the divorce.

[ScottB]

Folks - Well, its been a ride.

Friday I had the kids at home because of quarantine. It was great. I cleared my schedule so I could try to hang out with them when they had downtime. That night we watched Arthur Christmas, which I would recommend for kids - my 12 and nine year old both liked it. I put my daughter to bed and talked to my son about his slipping grades and attitude, especially with his mom. I really tried to work on what I'm learning in The Lost Art of Listening.

He talked about how much he just hates wearing a mask at school and how it stinks not being able to move around during the day. He's just sick of it. Then he mentioned how he told his mom how bad Zoom was at school and she said you shouldn't have gone on vacation with your dad, you knew better. Ouch. That really pissed him off. I'll come back to that.

Saturday was just great. We made chocolate covered peanuts, my son and I worked out together, we put up our Christmas tree, the kids played while I made dinner. I had told my daughter last week that we needed to redo a picture wall - it was all wedding pictures that had been taken down. I went into her room and started to cry when I saw a bunch of pictures out with all the frames - she was working on it by herself. We finished it together - she is incredibl I kept them up a little late because I lost track of time as I put the tree up - and when I went to bed I was exhausted.

Sunday we got up and sat around and relaxed for a couple of hours after having donuts. That was pretty great, we can't normally do that. Then we decorated outside, lit a fire, and I cleaned up the yard while the kids got out sleeping bags and laid on the trampoline. That's when it got interesting.

My daughter had spoken to my wife and my wife was going to drop off homework for her. When my wife got here her and I didn't say much. The tension and mood changed significantly and I did not feel like the happy go lucky guy I had been all day. My daughter got off the tramp and gave her a hug. I had been putting stuff in our garage for her to take so she started packing up her car. My son didn't move, he didn't acknowledge her. She finally get all her stuff packed up and went to say goodbye to him but before that she started asking him about all his school work. He never got up, never looked at her, and didn't give her a hug goodbye. I couldn't believe it. As soon as she left he grabbed his stuff and went inside (it was a bit cold out).

My daughter then went up to her room to do her homework. She has really been remarkably strong through all of this. I was going to work out in my garage but as I was picking up around the house I went up to her room to put some things away.

She started to get a bit hysterical out of the blue. She started crying about how she couldn't get all the homework done, how she didn't know where to start, and how it was just too much. I really tried not to solve her problem - I just tried to empathize and listen. Then she started crying harder and said she missed her mom. I said "I know, would you like to call her?" Then she said "but when I'm with her I miss you, I don't understand."

And then she just cried and I held her. She said she knew I wanted to work out and so she didn't want to bother me with her homework. I told her she is never bothering me and I stayed up in her room and helped her with her homework for about an hour. It was heartbreaking, but wonderful - just connecting with her and showing her I could be there for her, but so sad. She is hiding all of her feelings.

Sunday night we had a wonderful dinner, the kids really loved it - so that was great. We made some chocolate deserts that didn't turn out - but that's ok. We moved to the family room and I fell asleep while the kids played video games. I woke up and put them to bed.

Today is more virtual school and again I cleared my schedule, but I'm starting to get behind. Tomorrow they go back and my son has virtual individual counseling on Wednesday for the first time, we'll see how that goes.

Wednesday they are gone until the following Monday. That will be a long stretch but so far we've made the most of it of the time we've had. I've been fortunate as I've had the kids 14 of the last 18 days. I think I'll be okay for the stretch of 5 days - I know it will be emotional but I'm a little worn down as I've really put all my energy into them and doing everything is a lot.

Sorry for the long post, I've had a lot on my mind. I'm doing pretty good, though I hate all of this. I continue to limit contact with my wife - I'd love to say to her "Let's stop this madness." but that wouldn't do any good. I have to move on and I'm working on it.

[SteveLW]

Scott, good job. I like that you are putting the kids first. You are to be commended for that! We see so many LBSs in your shoes already looking to find another woman. I do not think that we commend LBSs, especially those that are parents, that do not jump to that enough! So I am patting you on the back. Well done.

Great job listening to her daughter, and then being there for her. The kids, no matter how resilient, will still struggle with all of this. As time goes on they will get better at navigating it, but remember, focus on what you can control: YOU! And that is exactly what you did in this case. You can't fix her mom, or your MR, but you can show her that you are going to prioritize her and her brother above all else! So keep your focus there.

However, I would talk to your son. While deep down you probably like that he is being "cold" to his mother, likely that is more just a show than what is really going on underneath. You really need to make sure to encourage him to continue to be respectful to his mother. She is still his mom, no matter what. No need to make it a big ordeal, but just try to mention it to him at some point. Be the bigger person.

"Let's stop this madness" certainly would do no good. I know the urge is there to still 'give her a wake-up call' and get her to see all of this. Glad to see you recognize that it would be the wrong approach, and that you need to keep working on moving on. However, remember the warning from LH because I think there is probably a good chance that by the end of the year there will be an OM emerge. And you have to gird yourself up for that possibility and not let it set you back. Just assume the worst and move forward.

[Traveler]

Hi Scott,

Wow--that was a great update! I'm short on time or I'd write more, but I love, love how much you're focusing on having good times with your kids and helping them cope with changes. Yes, validation and listening work on our kids, too, and you sound like you're rocking that. I get the exhausted feeling after the go-go-go of a week like that and hope it's accompanied by the rewarding feeling of a job well done. Props, too, on the self-control to acknowledge you want to say "Let's stop this" (and stop this) without saying it.

[BL42]

ScottB,

Great to hear you're making the most of the time with your kids! I've found it's great bonding opportunity and can also be a bit of a distraction from the sitch. Keep making memories and being a great dad for them!

My daughter then went up to her room to do her homework. She has really been remarkably strong through all of this. I was going to work out in my garage but as I was picking up around the house I went up to her room to put some things away.

She started to get a bit hysterical out of the blue. She started crying about how she couldn't get all the homework done, how she didn't know where to start, and how it was just too much. I really tried not to solve her problem - I just tried to empathize and listen. Then she started crying harder and said she missed her mom. I said "I know, would you like to call her?" Then she said "but when I'm with her I miss you, I don't understand."

And then she just cried and I held her. She said she knew I wanted to work out and so she didn't want to bother me with her homework. I told her she is never bothering me and I stayed up in her room and helped her with her homework for about an hour. It was heartbreaking, but wonderful - just connecting with her and showing her I could be there for her, but so sad. She is hiding all of her feelings.

That's tough. Don't think I'll ever forget my S5 crying himself to sleep (in my arms) for 45mins after soccer when he missed mommy. Just keeping loving and being there for them.

Wednesday they are gone until the following Monday. That will be a long stretch but so far we've made the most of it of the time we've had. I've been fortunate as I've had the kids 14 of the last 18 days. I think I'll be okay for the stretch of 5 days - I know it will be emotional but I'm a little worn down as I've really put all my energy into them and doing everything is a lot.

I can relate! I bend over backwards for the kids and love the time with them but it can be very draining - I find myself sleeping pretty hard the night or two after they leave. LOL

Hang in there!

[Ready2Change]

...She started to get a bit hysterical out of the blue. She started crying about how she couldn't get all the homework done, how she didn't know where to start, and how it was just too much. I really tried not to solve her problem - I just tried to empathize and listen. Then she started crying harder and said she missed her mom. I said "I know, would you like to call her?" Then she said "but when I'm with her I miss you, I don't understand."

And then she just cried and I held her. She said she knew I wanted to work out and so she didn't want to bother me with her homework. I told her she is never bothering me and I stayed up in her room and helped her with her homework for about an hour. It was heartbreaking, but wonderful - just connecting with her and showing her I could be there for her, but so sad. She is hiding all of her feelings.

This is what is important. A+ brother! You be the safe place for your kids to express there emotions. Let them know this.

There are healthy ways that you can help Son express his anger. I am sure you have some anger that could be released. The book store, amazon and google were very helpful during my growth during the early phases after BD.


Balancing everything will be a challenge, but you can handle it. Compartmentalize. Be Super Dad when the kids are with you. Take care of everything else while they are with Mom.

I worked longer days the week I didn't have the kids. Shorter days when I had the kids.

I would send texts like this in the evening when they were at moms:
"Love you. Miss you. Sleep well. Looking forward to seeing you. Sleep well. good night"

[ScottB]

Thanks folks.

Again my daughter forgot another book at her mom's and she had to come over here. My son did get up to see her this time, which is good. She was standing outside in the cold talking to them and I said she could come in. She was here for about 10 minutes talking to my daughter the whole time. I was sitting in the entry with them and telling her about things my daughter had done. Like how she had rocked her homework and rocked school. My daughter took her over to she her our Christmas tree and I told my wife it was ok.

We had just made chocolate covered pretzels and I insisted my wife take one with her before she left. All of that went fine, and in my heart somewhere I felt hope.

Then I opened my email and my attorney had let me know that we needed to talk. She spoke with our mediator and had concerns. She wants to be present at future mediations. That was a pretty solid whipsaw. Now I need to have a beer or something to calm down and make dinner with the kids. Pretty crazy.

[LH19]

Scotty B,

I am afraid you are going to have to learn the hard way. Your STBXW (not your W) is not your friend and should not be treated as such. She is going to be out for blood in the divorce and more then likely has been unfaithful again to you.

You really need to stop trying to nice her back and mess with your detachment process.

[ScottB]

LH - I know you’re right.
———-
I’m beginning to lose track of the times my daughter starts to cry. She was so strong upfront, almost to the point i wondered how she was so ready to accept it all. Obviously she was in denial. I’m losing track of the times I hold her as she cries. It’s heartbreaking. It makes me so angry.

[Ready2Change]

LH - I know you’re right.
———-
I’m beginning to lose track of the times my daughter starts to cry. She was so strong upfront, almost to the point i wondered how she was so ready to accept it all. Obviously she was in denial. I’m losing track of the times I hold her as she cries. It’s heartbreaking. It makes me so angry.

Two of my children did not react emotionally. One of them did. He was angry. Guess who is the most healthy now?


Keep loving and holding your kids. Validating the way they feel is the most important thing you can do as a parent. Nothing to fix, just understand. Your relationship with your kids will be stronger.


"My mom does not know me at all". This was a statement from my middle child. I know things about him I wish I didn't but he is open with me and my lady, and I am glad he shares things with us. We are the safe ones to talk to.
Keep being the safe one.

[LH19]

LH - I know you’re right.
———-
I’m beginning to lose track of the times my daughter starts to cry. She was so strong upfront, almost to the point i wondered how she was so ready to accept it all. Obviously she was in denial. I’m losing track of the times I hold her as she cries. It’s heartbreaking. It makes me so angry.

It’s tough Scotty B. My son wrote on his Christmas list the first year that all he wanted for Christmas was his parents to get back together.

Your getting angry because you are starting to see your W for who she really is right now. Channel that anger and use it as fuel.

One day at a time Scotty B.

[OnlyBent]

Hey Scotty, just wanted to let you know I feel for you mate. Xmas will no doubt be hard and I wish you the best possible time, this a really difficult time and you can only do your best, keep going.

[AnotherStander]

Again my daughter forgot another book at her mom's and she had to come over here. My son did get up to see her this time, which is good. She was standing outside in the cold talking to them and I said she could come in. She was here for about 10 minutes talking to my daughter the whole time. I was sitting in the entry with them and telling her about things my daughter had done. Like how she had rocked her homework and rocked school. My daughter took her over to she her our Christmas tree and I told my wife it was ok.

We had just made chocolate covered pretzels and I insisted my wife take one with her before she left. All of that went fine, and in my heart somewhere I felt hope.

Scott, I think everything you did was fine. But that bolded part, that SHOULD NOT follow from everything before it. It is OK to have hope, but what you should hope for is possible recon way down the road, not right now. It's simply not in the cards to happen anytime soon. So be nice, but don't do it to try and "nice her back". Be polite and cordial, but don't have ANY expectations that it changes a thing.

I know this is tough, just keep at it and it'll get easier!

[ScottB]

AS - I agree completely. I don't want to feel feelings like that, it just happens. Its why LH is right, I need to keep my distance from her because it impacts my detachment. Or I'll struggle more with the cruddy feelings of hope which lead to anxiety and sadness and impact my ability to heal.

I believe that is where the concept of No Contact - to just get me out of the "ring" and save myself for another day is probably best. All and all I've been doing pretty good. We'll see how these next days without the kids go beginning tomorrow for 5 days.

[LH19]

I like what AS wrote but I am not a fan of the word “hope” in these situations. The definition of hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. This IMO will get you stuck.

Your view on this needs to be “go do your thing W, do what you need to find your happiness. I’m going to go live an amazing life. If you want to be a part of it in the future, we’ll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well.

[SteveLW]

Scott my take on hope is thus:

It is never a bad thing to have hope....UNLESS it trips up your DBing efforts. I think all of us come to this board HOPING to save our MR. That hope is what causes us to seek out DB and learn the techniques.

But at some point you need to transition away from DBing for the sake of saving your MR, and DBing for the sake of saving yourself. I don't get the sense that you've made that transition. This is why I am afraid of the spiral downward you will make when the inevitable other show drops and an OM appears on the scene.

The way I look at it is that it is okay to have hope as long as that hope doesn't affect your DBing efforts. If it does then that hope is a hindrance that needs to be removed. Some LBS can do both at the same time (hope and properly DB), some cannot.

[ScottB]

I like what AS wrote but I am not a fan of the word “hope” in these situations. The definition of hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. This IMO will get you stuck.

Your view on this needs to be “go do your thing W, do what you need to find your happiness. I’m going to go live an amazing life. If you want to be a part of it in the future, we’ll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well.

This is so good and true. I need to keep this handy.

[harvey]

I like what AS wrote but I am not a fan of the word “hope” in these situations. The definition of hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. This IMO will get you stuck.

Your view on this needs to be “go do your thing W, do what you need to find your happiness. I’m going to go live an amazing life. If you want to be a part of it in the future, we’ll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well.

I came to this conclusion at the very start of my situation.

My first two posts included these comments:

I understand the concept of getting a life and detaching. It makes for an easier transition, but I wonder if it's good at all to hang on to hope. It seems WAW are the hardest to turn around, and as I read the threads, I don't see a lot of success stories...

I get that the changes are for me. It almost seems like having no hope makes the changes completely about me. The having hope part keeps the changes about her (partially, at least).

I understand the counter-argument, but for me having no hope helped keep me from getting stuck. Of course, I didn't save my marriage, but I think little could be done about that. I moved on quickly and in a healthy way IMHO.

[SteveLW]

I like what AS wrote but I am not a fan of the word “hope” in these situations. The definition of hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. This IMO will get you stuck.

Your view on this needs to be “go do your thing W, do what you need to find your happiness. I’m going to go live an amazing life. If you want to be a part of it in the future, we’ll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well.

I came to this conclusion at the very start of my situation.

My first two posts included these comments:

I understand the concept of getting a life and detaching. It makes for an easier transition, but I wonder if it's good at all to hang on to hope. It seems WAW are the hardest to turn around, and as I read the threads, I don't see a lot of success stories...

I get that the changes are for me. It almost seems like having no hope makes the changes completely about me. The having hope part keeps the changes about her (partially, at least).

I understand the counter-argument, but for me having no hope helped keep me from getting stuck. Of course, I didn't save my marriage, but I think little could be done about that. I moved on quickly and in a healthy way IMHO.

The danger here though harvey, and I think this is why you have to be careful is that moving on for some LBSs is to jump into a new R right away. That is not the point of having no hope and moving on quickly. The vast majority of LBSs are not in the right emotional place for that, and deep deep down they still have a little hope that the WAS will wake up and come back. Until there is none of that, jumping to a new R without doing the work on yourself is a mistake.

[ScottB]

Harvey - I agree. Holding on to hope or feeling hope makes it harder for me. I've always been optimistic and a hard worker - figuring I work something until I get the result I want. That has made me successful in most things.

I once had a coach say "Live with hope, and be willing to deal with disappointment; that's better than living a lonely life with a protected heart."

I thought at the time that was good advice. Of course we are past that now. But early on I thought that was fitting.

We've now reached the place where LH's perspective is the better take.

[Ready2Change]

We'll see how these next days without the kids go beginning tomorrow for 5 days.

They will be however you make it. You decide how they will be up front. Make goals. Prioritize. Take action toward those goals. Celebrate every positive step forward.

[Traveler]

I once had a coach say "Live with hope, and be willing to deal with disappointment; that's better than living a lonely life with a protected heart."

There's still room for optimism--Scott will learn what he set out to, apply those lessons well, and leave it all on the field. No matter what happens Scott and his kids will do well. No sense worrying about the scoreboard--you have no more control over your wife's choice to come home or not than you do over whether an opposing team brings their A-game or D-game. Scott can only be the best Scott possible.

[BL42]

We'll see how these next days without the kids go beginning tomorrow for 5 days.

They will be however you make it. You decide how they will be up front. Make goals. Prioritize. Take action toward those goals. Celebrate every positive step forward.

Agreed. You'll definitely miss them but the more you can line up before (house projects, dinner with friends, activities...etc.) the less you'll sit around and be lonely.

[harvey]

Harvey - I agree. Holding on to hope or feeling hope makes it harder for me. I've always been optimistic and a hard worker - figuring I work something until I get the result I want. That has made me successful in most things.

I once had a coach say "Live with hope, and be willing to deal with disappointment; that's better than living a lonely life with a protected heart."

I thought at the time that was good advice. Of course we are past that now. But early on I thought that was fitting.

We've now reached the place where LH's perspective is the better take.

After BD, we want to feel hope. However, the odds of saving your marriage after BD are not great--no matter what you do. This site is called "divorce busting". The last thing people associated with this site want is to give the feeling that there is no hope. The crux is that the best way to save your marriage is to detach. The best way to detach is to feel there is no hope. I absolutely feel that DB principles are the best way to save your marriage. However, you cannot follow the principles primarily to save your marriage. How do you balance that? It's a tough question. For me losing hope helped immensely with detaching. Others can balance detaching and keeping hope better than me. If you can detach yet keep hope, then you are ahead of the game. If you can't detach without losing hope, then it's probably best to lose hope. As long as you stay detached, your odds of turning the situation around are tiny.

[ScottB]

Drop off today to the WW went well. My daughter was great. I hugged my son and I saw him start to tear up and so I held him tighter and the tears just ran down his face and mine. Its just what it is, nothing I can do about that. I said goodbye and drove to work.

He had virtual counseling today. He did not want to do it. I tried to talk with him yesterday about it so I just let it go. I did tell him that I've done it and shared how that made me feel (like an idiot). He said that's how he felt too - it was a good moment of connection - and then I went away from the topic because he wasn't comfortable with it.

I bought a ping pong table for my garage today. That will be fun. I'm moving forward with things I can want, and can afford. I'm moving forward on some of the financial separation stuff as well.

I plan to head to the gym after work, though I am completely and thoroughly exhausted. I figure to be in bed by 9p tonight, if I can make it that far.

I have a lot of work to do that I should do tonight, but I just don't have it in me.

Tomorrow I'm grabbing a beer after work with a colleague. Saturday I'm trying to invite a bunch of guys over to hang out. I need to come up with plans for Friday.

I also have so many emails from my wife to respond to about different issues since I didn't deal with those over the five days I had the kids.

[SteveLW]

I also have so many emails from my wife to respond to about different issues since I didn't deal with those over the five days I had the kids.

Why do you have to respond?

[ScottB]

Steve85 - She had lots of questions in her emails. They were about different topics. I at least need to go through them, but I may make the decision not to reply.

Working on GAL - After a tough day yesterday I went to the gym and that made me feel a lot better. I've got a Happy Hour tonight, Friend invited me to dinner at his house tomorrow, on Saturday working out with a friend and then I invited over a handful of friends to hang out. Taking Sunday off so far to do whatever I want. I get the kids back on Monday so that gets me through this first five day stretch.

A friend of mine wanted me to meet a woman going through a similar situation to mine so I called her last night and asked her to dinner. She wasn't able to make it be we chatted for 30 minutes. It did give me some confidence that I can talk to women (which may sound silly, but its been a long time). Hold the advice on moving too fast, I'll watch it.

It was interesting to listen and to talk about my situation. I need to begin referring to my wife by her name as opposed to calling her my wife. That's my next step.

I tried to connect with my son last night but wasn't able to - that seemed odd. I'll try to catch them tonight.

[SteveLW]

Steve85 - She had lots of questions in her emails. They were about different topics. I at least need to go through them, but I may make the decision not to reply.

You are being vague. Nature of the questions? Be very careful with D related answers in email. They can come back to bite you.

Working on GAL - After a tough day yesterday I went to the gym and that made me feel a lot better. I've got a Happy Hour tonight, Friend invited me to dinner at his house tomorrow, on Saturday working out with a friend and then I invited over a handful of friends to hang out. Taking Sunday off so far to do whatever I want. I get the kids back on Monday so that gets me through this first five day stretch.

You are doing better with GAL than expected you to do Scott. You've been pretty bad at GAL in my estimation and this has caused you to spin. GAL keeps you busy, keeps your mind off of things and let's you let go and detach.

A friend of mine wanted me to meet a woman going through a similar situation to mine so I called her last night and asked her to dinner. She wasn't able to make it be we chatted for 30 minutes. It did give me some confidence that I can talk to women (which may sound silly, but its been a long time). Hold the advice on moving too fast, I'll watch it.

I know you said hold on the advice, but why post this if you don't want feedback? First, be very careful with advice from friends and family. They are too close to the situation to give you sound, objective advice. And they have one goal: To try to end your pain as quickly as possible as it pains them to see you in pain. So they will give you short-sighted advice towards that end. Friends especially will trend towards the "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone" type of advice. That is the worst saying I've ever heard. First, it is flat out wrong, it doesn't help you get over someone. It is like self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, it temporarily makes you forget about the someone. But the next morning they are right back on your mind.

Plus, it complicates your situation. Now instead of issues with one woman, you will have issues with two women. (Especially since you haven't done the work on yourself to set you up for future R success.)

So what was your goal with this dinner? Was it a date? If not, why not ask the friend who suggested you call her to dinner instead?

Scott, I know you know this but you are so not ready to add another person to the mix. So not ready. You still go up and down emotionally based on whether your STBXW is nice or mean to you.

It was interesting to listen and to talk about my situation. I need to begin referring to my wife by her name as opposed to calling her my wife. That's my next step.

Interesting. So one conversation with another woman......and suddenly you need to refer to your STBXW as her name instead of "my W". I agree that you need to stop calling her "my W", but not because you had another woman to talk to. But because whether you talked to this other woman OR NOT, you need to face the fact that your MR is over and that D is on the horizon. So refer to her as you STBXW. Or your exWife.

I tried to connect with my son last night but wasn't able to - that seemed odd. I'll try to catch them tonight.

Put the offer out there, let him decide whether or not he wants to talk. No need to read a lot into this.

[Ready2Change]

...we chatted for 30 minutes. It did give me some confidence that I can talk to women (which may sound silly, but its been a long time). ....

I am sure that felt good. I vividly remember some of my first interactions with woman after D.

From my POV, only talk about relationship issues IRL with MEN, and that should be a small set. I have three guys.

If you want a woman's input, books, your mom, your sisters and the ladies that post here.


Have you been watching the youtube channel I suggest?

[ScottB]

R2C - I don't recall you mentioning a youtube channel.

[Ready2Change]

R2C - I don't recall you mentioning a youtube channel.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2909581#Post2909581

[ScottB]

I’ll check it out. Just watched one.

[ScottB]

R2C - I'll keep checking those out. They are interesting.

I had a good night out last night with a friend. He separated from his wife 12/2017 and his wife filed 1/2018 - he is hoping to get that wrapped up soon. I can't imagine this thing taking two years, I'd lose my mind. He said if you get out there on the dating scene it is crazy. He also found out his wife was having an EA about 1.5 after they separated. This stuff is rampant and crazy. I have to believe my Ex is doing the same thing.

Anyhow, tonight I'm going to another friends house for dinner. Should be fun. Tomorrow I am working out with a friend then I have to put a ping pong table together before a bunch of guys come over in the afternoon to hang out and watch football.

[LH19]

Scotty B,

I can think of maybe two stories in 6 years here that I feel confident there wasn’t an OP. Your STBX has her sights on someone for sure. She’s addicted to the high.

I disagree the dating seen is crazy. It can be if you want it to be. Lot of amazing single women out there. Lots of crazies too. You just have to weed them out.

[Ready2Change]

Lot of amazing single women out there. Lots of crazies too. You just have to weed them out.

Agree. Get yourself healthy and you will attract a better class of women. I had to do a lot of sifting to find an open and honest woman.

R2C - I'll keep checking those out. They are interesting.

Yes. Do your homework now so when the time comes, you have a new set of beliefs and skills.

[BL42]

ScottB,

R2C - I'll keep checking those out. They are interesting.

I've watched a number of the "Entrepreneurs in Cars" Youtube videos based on RC's recommendation on this thread. He certainly has strong opinions. Definitely a different mindset than me, but maybe that's the point - could probably use a bit more alpha/decisiveness. Seems a bit jaded about the divorce process but spot on regarding working out and finances.

He said if you get out there on the dating scene it is crazy.

What do you mean by "the dating scene is crazy"? Can you expand on that? In a good or bad way?

He also found out his wife was having an EA about 1.5 after they separated. This stuff is rampant and crazy. I have to believe my Ex is doing the same thing.

I was immediately suspicious of an affair in my sitch after the bomb and confirmed an EA within a day or two - just had that feeling there was more going on - why break up a marriage with two young kids just returning from Disney if not for something else going on? Maybe I'm looking through the bias lens of my sitch right now but I think most people wouldn't leave a "not so bad" (no abuse...etc.) situation if someone they perceive is better isn't lined up, and it seems most of the sitches on this board backs up that theory.

I had a good night out last night with a friend.

Anyhow, tonight I'm going to another friends house for dinner. Should be fun. Tomorrow I am working out with a friend then I have to put a ping pong table together before a bunch of guys come over in the afternoon to hang out and watch football.

Two dinners, working out, and watching football with the guys...sounds like great GAL weekend to me! Way to keep yourself busy and entertained.

[Ready2Change]

Definitely a different mindset than me, but maybe that's the point - could probably use a bit more alpha/decisiveness.

Yes. Our belief systems have gotten us exactly where we are. Challenging these belief is part of the growth. As with all the information out there, one has to really evaluate all the advise/info they come across. I have to dig through a lot of mud to find the nuggets of wisdom out there. He may be wise in several areas and clueless in other areas.

The PUA is a perfect example. They act Alpha, but are not. But if you see the traits they are displaying you can better understand what woman are attracted to and start changing your behavior to be more attractive.

[ScottB]

By crazy I mean, it is whatever you want it to be. Good looking fit successful 40 year old men do okay.

In another note, I may have gone off the deep end. Very quickly my garage is transforming into Scott’s Party Barn. It started with the ping pong table, and then I bought the projector, and the corn hole boards. I already have a basketball hoop and trampoline. I’m kind of remembering how fun I used to be. And now I make a lot more money so I can be a lot more fun. This could end badly, but I think it will probably just be fun.

Projector comes Monday and is very nice. I already have a screen. Not sure what’s next. With one less car in the garage and being able throw stuff out, I’ve got space for fun!

[ScottB]

Scotty B,

I can think of maybe two stories in 6 years here that I feel confident there wasn’t an OP. Your STBX has her sights on someone for sure. She’s addicted to the high.

I disagree the dating seen is crazy. It can be if you want it to be. Lot of amazing single women out there. Lots of crazies too. You just have to weed them out.

I think you're probably right. I'm not sure how she was hiding it but she had a lot of free time. On the one hand I want to do more digging to find out or hire a PI; but the reality is that it just does not matter one bit - so the good decision is to move on and I am working on that. Scott's Party Garage should help. When spring comes I would just need some nice outdoor furniture and I'd be able to throw some nice parties. I'll wait on that purchase though. I've already spent too much money based on the budget the mediator put us on.

[Ready2Change]

By crazy I mean, it is whatever you want it to be. Good looking fit successful 40 year old men do okay.

In another note, I may have gone off the deep end. Very quickly my garage is transforming into Scott’s Party Barn. It started with the ping pong table, and then I bought the projector, and the corn hole boards. I already have a basketball hoop and trampoline. I’m kind of remembering how fun I used to be. And now I make a lot more money so I can be a lot more fun. This could end badly, but I think it will probably just be fun.

Projector comes Monday and is very nice. I already have a screen. Not sure what’s next. With one less car in the garage and being able throw stuff out, I’ve got space for fun!

The living room sounds like a warmer and nicer option!


Put a sports car and motorcycle in the garage.

[ScottB]

R2C - You inspired me to reach out to a buddy of mine that rides off road in motorcycles. I think soon I’ll head out to his farm and ride. I’ve never done that before. We’ll see where that goes.

[SteveLW]

R2C - You inspired me to reach out to a buddy of mine that rides off road in motorcycles. I think soon I’ll head out to his farm and ride. I’ve never done that before. We’ll see where that goes.

Yes! I like it. I do a lot of atv/utv riding. Really clears the head.

[ScottB]

Moving this along before Job tells me to...

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2910364&#Post2910364