Divorce Finalized - 11/25/20 08:44 PM
Hi All,
New poster here. Came across DB/DR, and this site, while things were going south. No abuse, no infidelity.
I'm 29, wife was 25. I've been in several relationships, and one very long term one. Her not so much.
Married 1.5 years. No kids (fertility was a challenge, and a recent miscarriage I think a large push towards this).
Wife had a tendency to leave the house when she was upset, and go stay with family. I had a tendency to give her time/space and then request she come home. Eventually family got triangulated into the marriage, and more talking was done with them than me.
I was a recipient of the "list" which lists all the faults/issues I have. I had a tendency to listen, and then defend or refute the points, instead of practicing validating listening which is a known issue of mine. That being said it still hurts to hear that list. I did find it interesting at the time, that I really could not think of many faults/complaints about her.
She initially requested counseling 4 months into our marriage, I just felt it was learning to be married, and gave a typical response for me "that is for sissies". Subsequently things improved and then early fall started to go south. She left the house, requested counseling and I was 100% on board with it. ( as I have thought about it I believe she requested it, because she thought I would say no and would be her justification) I gave it my all, and the counselor seems to think she was already checked out. She went to a few sessions, and then stopped. I've continued the counseling and it is a fantastic tool that I will always use. He suggested we go on a date before our divorce as if we were meeting for the first time. I felt it went good, she said she felt it was a friends date, and I said well that is what the counselor said.
I started to use DB/DR techniques, and she was headed to the door as fast as she could.
She mentioned divorce 3-4 times, and I said I didn't want that that we could fix things, we could figuratively divorce the old marriage and start again with good habits. Finally she mentioned we are getting divorced, and it is happening. Subsequently I had the papers drafted, and took them to her. Again told her I didn't want it, but I was ready to give it to her since it was what she wanted. She later told family that she was surprised I had them.
Week or so later we signed, and the divorce was finalized that day.
I've been radio silent since the end of it more or less, and every 4 days or so she would reach out needing another thing she forgot at the house when she moved out, or whatever else. I'd give her the thing or answer the question she had. She also started to chase me more, and we went on a date after the divorce it was great and she agreed. She cried and said she regretted being immature, treating marriage like a relationship instead of a marriage, leaving the house etc. I didn't allow her to come back to my place, and told her we both need to take time and work on our issues. (This was the 1st time in all of this I heard her mention regret, or she could have done something different.)
Recently she did the same thing using Christmas presents as an excuse (inside joke of how much I love Christmas). I of course got excited, and she tells me that it isn't "what I think" and I told her she doesn't need to make up reasons to talk to me. She basically told me that our marriage was a practice marriage, and her next one will be her forever marriage.
This was about the most painful thing I could hear, since I feel like I tried hard to fix things, or get them on the right track again and didn't want it. I decided to block her from contacting me via text/call. I've remained civil through all of it, but I just can't take her reaching out every 4 days to a week it stops me from healing.
I have learned a lot from this, and I started on a path to improve. But it still feels like I could/should have done more.
New poster here. Came across DB/DR, and this site, while things were going south. No abuse, no infidelity.
I'm 29, wife was 25. I've been in several relationships, and one very long term one. Her not so much.
Married 1.5 years. No kids (fertility was a challenge, and a recent miscarriage I think a large push towards this).
Wife had a tendency to leave the house when she was upset, and go stay with family. I had a tendency to give her time/space and then request she come home. Eventually family got triangulated into the marriage, and more talking was done with them than me.
I was a recipient of the "list" which lists all the faults/issues I have. I had a tendency to listen, and then defend or refute the points, instead of practicing validating listening which is a known issue of mine. That being said it still hurts to hear that list. I did find it interesting at the time, that I really could not think of many faults/complaints about her.
She initially requested counseling 4 months into our marriage, I just felt it was learning to be married, and gave a typical response for me "that is for sissies". Subsequently things improved and then early fall started to go south. She left the house, requested counseling and I was 100% on board with it. ( as I have thought about it I believe she requested it, because she thought I would say no and would be her justification) I gave it my all, and the counselor seems to think she was already checked out. She went to a few sessions, and then stopped. I've continued the counseling and it is a fantastic tool that I will always use. He suggested we go on a date before our divorce as if we were meeting for the first time. I felt it went good, she said she felt it was a friends date, and I said well that is what the counselor said.
I started to use DB/DR techniques, and she was headed to the door as fast as she could.
She mentioned divorce 3-4 times, and I said I didn't want that that we could fix things, we could figuratively divorce the old marriage and start again with good habits. Finally she mentioned we are getting divorced, and it is happening. Subsequently I had the papers drafted, and took them to her. Again told her I didn't want it, but I was ready to give it to her since it was what she wanted. She later told family that she was surprised I had them.
Week or so later we signed, and the divorce was finalized that day.
I've been radio silent since the end of it more or less, and every 4 days or so she would reach out needing another thing she forgot at the house when she moved out, or whatever else. I'd give her the thing or answer the question she had. She also started to chase me more, and we went on a date after the divorce it was great and she agreed. She cried and said she regretted being immature, treating marriage like a relationship instead of a marriage, leaving the house etc. I didn't allow her to come back to my place, and told her we both need to take time and work on our issues. (This was the 1st time in all of this I heard her mention regret, or she could have done something different.)
Recently she did the same thing using Christmas presents as an excuse (inside joke of how much I love Christmas). I of course got excited, and she tells me that it isn't "what I think" and I told her she doesn't need to make up reasons to talk to me. She basically told me that our marriage was a practice marriage, and her next one will be her forever marriage.
This was about the most painful thing I could hear, since I feel like I tried hard to fix things, or get them on the right track again and didn't want it. I decided to block her from contacting me via text/call. I've remained civil through all of it, but I just can't take her reaching out every 4 days to a week it stops me from healing.
I have learned a lot from this, and I started on a path to improve. But it still feels like I could/should have done more.