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Steveís LRT phase 3

Posted By: Steve_

Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/24/20 09:40 PM

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2909259&page=11

Previous thread link ^

Thanks for the support. Yeah Sandi I felt really stupid being played after she told me she didnít want to talk about the R anymore. I do feel slightly better for saying some of the things I did mean about forgiving her and still loving her because I did mean them and I sort of felt good to have her hear them even if she doesnít deserve it. I definately wonít be doing that again. She is completely blinded by her limerance for her new man and new life. Pretty obvious now. Sheís not even texting me angry stuff anymore. I did ask the VA to get me into some therapy, as far as the holidays go I am working all of them this year so I didnít have to sit at home. She has plans to spend Xmas with our kids and her new family. I didnít want to be around for that. Itís gonna be really hard I know it. Iím already looking ahead to come up with some plans or something I can do to occupy my time. Iíll have a lot more on my hands coming up. I hope the fitness center where I live opens up soon. Other than that can take some long walks do some push ups, sit ups etc. once this knot of anxiety leaves my chest Iíll be good to go.

She did text me today asking about our sonís fall picture. I responded with the link from the school only. She said she would order them and send me them framed. I said only ďI appreciate itĒ that was it.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/25/20 01:35 AM

Hi Steve_,

Originally Posted by Steve_
I did ask the VA to get me into some therapy

This really is what's most important. Your brain tells you to STOP contacting her, but your emotions are in control. What you described feeling towards her sounds like 80% addiction and 20% love. Really consider blocking her calls and texts until you've gone to a few therapy sessions and feel in control again.

Originally Posted by Steve_
as far as the holidays go I am working all of them this year

Huh?! My kids are so important to me, I would never consider working every holiday. I would re-evaluate this one. What do you value in life, and is this choice supporting your values? It's okay if you have different values. This is more a question of alignment than a question of right or wrong.

Originally Posted by Steve_
Other than that can take some long walks do some push ups, sit ups etc. once this knot of anxiety leaves my chest Iíll be good to go.

Yes! I love the feeling of working out and being more fit--even if I can only squeeze 20-30 minutes in most days. Yesterday it was just squats, calf raises, bridges, and one-legged balances.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/25/20 03:34 AM

Regarding the holidays I would have had to work one of them regardless, being a nurse and so on. And with OMís family coming down and all I just decided to do something with the kids before hand or after just them and I. I canít deal with seeing that yet but Iíll do something for the kids for sure.

She did ask me why I didnít face time her today at like 708pm each day I put the kids on the phone (only the kids) at 7 sharp. I was on the phone with my bank to replace my debit card I have a picture of us on our wedding day everyone loves it and comments and so I wanted to make it a regular one without our photo. I just said ďon the phone with the bankĒ when she called. I started to type out why I was and realized ..thatís an R talk, no no no. Not doing that. Just left it at ďon the phone with bank Iíll have em call you shortlyĒ it wasnít a big step but I did resist the urge to have an R talk. Iím a little proud of that usually I would jump at that. After how badly I embarrassed myself yesterday I learned better. Got a whole day of smart contact down. Itís just a baby step but finally in the right direction.
Posted By: Kind18

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/25/20 04:45 AM

Quote
I started to type out why I was and realized ..thatís an R talk, no no no. Not doing that. Just left it at ďon the phone with bank Iíll have em call you shortlyĒ it wasnít a big step but I did resist the urge to have an R talk.


Fk yes grin grin

That is the first time youíve intervened yourself, because you KNOW anything further would have created pain for you.

Do this over and over and over again. Stick to your mandate. And each time you do that it will get incrementally easier.

I was very similar to you when I arrived. A love sick puppy who took everything on as my fault and would have moved mountains to make it work, not realising this person I was trying to live was incredibly messed up and toxic. Today, 12 months after I came here in despair - Iíve just served her with divorce papers. You will get your strength back. Itís just a slow process, all you have to do is one interaction at a time. Donít worry about tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Just worry about today.

And go get fit.
Posted By: Sage4

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/25/20 08:42 PM

Steve, this is all so hard and you are in a tremendous amount of pain. I know it is hard to imagine, but every single person on this board has felt the same pain your are suffering at the moment. And we are all here, all surviving and many of us doing even better than we were pre-BD.

So, can I give you a few things to hold onto right now?

1. Forgive yourself.
2. Time will heal.
3. This too shall pass.
4. The heart is a wonder.

The rejection is clouding your ability to see your own life clearly. It happens to all of us. But you and only you are responsible for dealing with your reaction to the rejection. Once you have had a chance to really engage with that rejection and understand the root of your reaction, you will be well on your way to healing. So start there. In time, you will see that everything you are experiencing actually has little to do with your W and everything to do with your own emotions. So you really have way more power and control than you know. You will get there, we all do. Take one small step at a time.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/25/20 09:53 PM

Thank you sage. She made an attempt at me this morning. I wonít let her see me to drop the kids off and she was mad I let them stay with me in my apartment the last couple days. She said ďgood morning Iím going to my moms for breakfast so you donít accidently see meĒ with a like smirking face emoji.

I could have let that pull me into ďI want to see you, I miss you but I canít because blah blah blah Iím hurting and so onĒ nope I didnít. Another day down. I will overcome this. I can do this.
Posted By: JosephS

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/25/20 10:31 PM

I know itís hard to imagine, but the day is coming where you look back at this in the rear view mirror and will see how far youíve come. And you will be happier than you could imagine. You will be grateful you went through all this and you will be grateful she is gone. You will see this marriage and how youíve been horribly treated for what it is and youíll know in your heart you deserve more.
Posted By: OnlyBent

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/26/20 09:51 AM

Originally Posted by Steve_
Another day down. I will overcome this. I can do this.


One day at a time Steve, just keep swimming. I liken these sorts of things to starting out going to the gym. The first few days, even weeks are hard. You really have to force yourself to turn up. But after a while, with a bit of consistency, it becomes harder not to go. Its called a habit, takes at least 21 days.
Posted By: Kind18

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 01:25 AM

Quote
I could have let that pull me into ďI want to see you, I miss you but I canít because blah blah blah Iím hurting and so onĒ nope I didnít.


Did you reply, or ignore?
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 05:36 PM

I Ignored. Yesterday was tough. My son was sad all day long because I wasn't there. Our best friend and god son told me that thanksgiving was awkward and nobody stayed. She and OM showed up uninvited. The family couldn't even post pics as they always do. What a mess.

She started sending me snapchats of her and my son all morning, I asked her "please stop" she said "sorry"

She wanted to bring me a dinner plate at 8. I asked her to stay in the car and send my son only. She didn't listen, she came up holding two plates. And she let OM drive her to my place. I asked her never to bring him around. Her excuse was that she cant drive to due to breast reduction surgery. I said "fine, but i had a good reason I didn't want him knowing where I live.. but never bring him here again, thanks for bringing our son by" she realized why and said "oh, you were trying to keep a safe place for me and the kids to go if things got bad or I wanted out, damn im an idiot" I jsut said "yeah, but its not like he could step to me anyways", she said "yeah true it doesn't matter then" When she came up I didn't talk to her at all I kept it short told my son thank you, I love you and kissed him and and closed the door before she could start talking.

Everyone in the family tells me they miss me, they all say he is a ugly trash mistake and every one of them says there is a timer or expiration date on this relationship of hers. That's funny to me. I left the door open for her to come back if she wants and OM is so insecure about it he is trying everything to hold onto her, forcing her into his family and life. Its pathetic. He actually fought with her because she was crying and packing her stuff to come to my place and he guilt tripped her with "you cant leave i gave up everything for you" blah blah blahÖ Honestly I was really sad yesterday but today im better because I really started to realize that im not the only one that sees they are both scum bags and karma will catch up to them. Im actually a really good guy she is the one losing here not me.

Knew this first holiday would be messy with all the family, all the lying and kids being so confused, she still sleeps on the couch in front of them so they don't see them in bed. My son doesn't want to sleep in the bed there anymore he told her he wants to stay on the couch with her. what a mess, so glad this isn't on me.

Anyways right back to NC im actually relieved that is over. I feel a lot better today.
Posted By: JosephS

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 05:53 PM

Things I believe you could have done better

#1. Blocked her on Snapchat. You didnít need to tell her to stop. You could have made her stop without saying a word. I would go thru all social media and block her if you truly want it to stop.

#2. When she asked about a dinner plate, radio silence would have been sufficient. I understand you got to see your son, but IMO all she did was disrespect you, and show you, her with your guys son and the OM. She wasnít being caring or concern or sweet. She was rubbing it in your face you were alone and she wasnít.

#3. I can assure you they donít care about how the family and friends look at them. If anything theyíll use to to bring themselves closer together and say it us against the world. No one accepts us even though we are truly happy now. Etc etc etc.

Please start the process of NC. You should only break it in emergency cases. And this wasnít one of those cases. It doesnít matter what karma does. You shouldnít find your happiness in their pain or awkward encounters. And I donít know how much the OM feels threatened you left the door open for her. From your past choices itís obvious the door is open. But she choose him. Sheís with him. She spent thanksgiving with him. You arenít a threat. She just wants to make herself feel better for her choices.

Iím sorry you had a rough thanksgiving. Todayís a new day. Start the process or NC and start GAL now! Youíll feel better for you. And youíll find your happiness without her.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 05:56 PM

Yeah I did block her on snapchat, before I deleted the app. She was texting me those videos on my phone. I messed up yesterday for sure in some ways, I could have done better. The dinner plate was because my son wanted to bring it, that's why i allowed it. He was sad and wanted to see me. But its back to NC, im taking this one day at a time. Each day gets a little easier.
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 06:54 PM

Great post Joseph.
Though really Steve, the below quotes should take all of you focus.
"My son was sad all day long because I wasn't there."
"My son doesn't want to sleep in the bed there anymore he told her he wants to stay on the couch with her."

That means on your own time you make sure YOU feel good and have sufficient resources to have a good life with your kids. And while you have time with your kids you focus on them, show them love, have a good time, go to the woods, hug them and let them talk if they need it.
Her? Really? Who gives a d@mn. You cant control any of it anyway.
I would suggest email only from now on.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 07:11 PM

Yeah I do, I donít have much right now but we do a lot together. I guess it was sort of pointless to post that here, I guess I just felt validated by the series of events that unfolded yesterday. For me it was positive that she is making stupid choices and everyone sees it too. I donít expect it to change anything shes decided that she wants that but I was nice to now that most of her family reached out and apologized for what she is doing. I donít expect anything to really be any different from here on out. Thatís why I was sort of happy I think I just sort of accepted this is the way it is now. She brought dude to our family thing so thatís that. And I donít have to feel like itís my fault at all. Everyone says it isnít. Even the mistakes I made didnít justify this. And that feels good to hear from the family.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 07:17 PM

I pray she doesnít come back anytime soon. It would be the worst thing to happen to you and your family quite honestly. Sheís sick in the head. I pray she never comes back, and you get the help you need to gain the strength to not want her back anymore
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 07:39 PM

I am not super worried about that Ginger. I donít think she will be back. It seems like given every golden opportunity she has stayed with this guy. Totally destroyed everything for him and he did the same for her so they will have those reasons to continue on. Thatís something that I had to accept yesterday. Bringing OM to thanksgiving really showed her true colors. All that crap about being on the fence was crap. And if she is willing to bring him like he is family I really doubt she is coming back.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 07:53 PM

Hypothetical situation. He dumps her tomorrow and she comes running back? What would you do? Donít tell me itís not likely to happen. Letís say it actually does happen. What would would you do?

Because what you would do shouldnít be dependent on whether or not she is or isnít coming back. She does not call the shots. You do.

So what would it be ?
Posted By: BenB

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 09:01 PM

Steve, that kind of talk. Bringing OM showed her true colors? That's just your emotions talking. Multiple affairs should have shown her true colors. You have a lot of reading and working on yourself to do, right now you are often acting and saying things on emotions. Read about the stoic mindset and do it for you, forget about her like everyone else says.

And did she seriously say this

Quote
"oh, you were trying to keep a safe place for me and the kids to go if things got bad or I wanted out, damn im an idiot"


and you reply

Quote
"yeah, but its not like he could step to me anyways"


Did you just basically cement the fact that you are her plan B should she decide to leave him whenever she feels like it as well as insulting OM? That is going to make you look insecure. A real alpha wouldn't make statements like that.
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 09:07 PM

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Hypothetical situation. He dumps her tomorrow and she comes running back? What would you do? Donít tell me itís not likely to happen. Letís say it actually does happen. What would would you do?

Because what you would do shouldnít be dependent on whether or not she is or isnít coming back. She does not call the shots. You do.

So what would it be ?


Steve, Ginger is spot on here. If she were to come back tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now or a year from now, you have to have a plan. She should not be allowed to waltz back in.

Have criteria. Have work she must do. Have stipulations and requirements. Be an alpha and realize your own value.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 09:55 PM

So her sister called me. She knows her best in the world. Interesting talk with her. Turns out the whole thing was exactly as I had thought. Her sister told me she calls her crying all the time that OM has done a few things to make her mad and she has considered leaving already but he cries and begs. OM says he loves her so much and WW says she loves him too but she will leave and doesnít care if it works out or not. He also has given her all the power already. The sister doesnít like him for her, the whole family doesnít like him and they are all like wow, he is controlling her and sheís not even close to the same person. They said those two are 1000% different. This doesnít seem like the exit affair this seems like a typical affair that required a divorce and one she thought she can just reverse like the others. I felt I should have told her that the entire time but she definitely knows it. Not a single family member thinks it will work out for her with him they are completely different and sheís doing things for him she never liked doing like staying at home, giving up her job, and cooking meals 3x a day for 3-5 kids. That is completely not her personality at all. He left his W cause she was gullible and not so smart and he likes my WW because she is. This dude doesnít know it but he just threw a woman he could control and command in the garbage for one that is wild and doesnít care. Who knows maybe they will work things out and be great for each other. But he has already got massive NGS and fear of losing her. Crying and begging her to stay after only a month? Living together? Yikes. Sheís gonna destroy this guy too. If he gives her any reason or ever stands up for himself sheís gone. That really made me see that she really didnít change at all. I was worried she would move on to some happy new life and already itís not going as smooth as she thought. You guys are 100% right! I need to turn and run before she figures it out haha
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 10:41 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
So her sister called me. She knows her best in the world. Interesting talk with her. Turns out the whole thing was exactly as I had thought. Her sister told me she calls her crying all the time that OM has done a few things to make her mad and she has considered leaving already but he cries and begs. OM says he loves her so much and WW says she loves him too but she will leave and doesnít care if it works out or not. He also has given her all the power already. The sister doesnít like him for her, the whole family doesnít like him and they are all like wow, he is controlling her and sheís not even close to the same person. They said those two are 1000% different. This doesnít seem like the exit affair this seems like a typical affair that required a divorce and one she thought she can just reverse like the others. I felt I should have told her that the entire time but she definitely knows it. Not a single family member thinks it will work out for her with him they are completely different and sheís doing things for him she never liked doing like staying at home, giving up her job, and cooking meals 3x a day for 3-5 kids. That is completely not her personality at all. He left his W cause she was gullible and not so smart and he likes my WW because she is. This dude doesnít know it but he just threw a woman he could control and command in the garbage for one that is wild and doesnít care. Who knows maybe they will work things out and be great for each other. But he has already got massive NGS and fear of losing her. Crying and begging her to stay after only a month? Living together? Yikes. Sheís gonna destroy this guy too. If he gives her any reason or ever stands up for himself sheís gone. That really made me see that she really didnít change at all. I was worried she would move on to some happy new life and already itís not going as smooth as she thought. You guys are 100% right! I need to turn and run before she figures it out haha


You also need to not keep up these conversations about her with mutual friends, and certainly not Her family! Next time her family calls politely say you do not want to discuss her, and then turn the conversation to how great you are doing, and plans you have for you and your son.

The problem you have Steve is you are codependent and overly attached. And hearing all of this is not helping you with that at all. Plus her sister hearing how great you are doing and all the great plans you have as a dad will make it back to her, and that you had no desire to talk about her. That would show her you are moving on. Now she will hear about how you were so interested to hear about her and OM.

Until your focus is off of her you'll continue to struggle.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/27/20 11:47 PM

Sister isn't going to tell her, she wasn't supposed to tell me they are having issues. My WW wants me to think she is super happy and he is perfect for her and the kids are happy and everything is all great. The sister would be in deep trouble for telling me this, this was informational only.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 12:10 AM

Well, this information is completely irrelevant. Whether she is on cloud 9 or she is miserable. You are so focused on her. Youíve completely lost yourself in her. Everything about you is about her .

Please please please get help.
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 12:37 AM

Originally Posted by Steve_
Sister isn't going to tell her, she wasn't supposed to tell me they are having issues. My WW wants me to think she is super happy and he is perfect for her and the kids are happy and everything is all great. The sister would be in deep trouble for telling me this, this was informational only.


You make excuses about everything. Amazes me. I'm sure HER sister is more loyal to you than her. Yeah okay.

Listen to Ginger, you're in so deep you can't n look at things objectively.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 01:19 AM

I donít mind the 2x4ís I would be solo flying it without them and doing a whole lot worse. I looked for this site and bought MWDís books to save my marriage. Iíll be honest I still want to do that. I know what I have done wasnít strong, wasnít secure. But her sister did share with me that because I have been so good to her itís making it really hard for her to do it. She expected me to rage, to cut her off to fight everything and I didnít. I have broke some DB rules absolutely. But I do have some solice in the fact that I didnít do anything so terribly wrong it destroyed my chances of recon. I do know that she was going to go this path regardless of what I did or said, she made so much quick investment into it to not try it out. I thought really long and hard about things today, what her sister said and so on and what you guys have been saying. I think itís not time to be nice or to try anymore. She got plenty of that and her safety net is still there so she can continue on. I have to detach now, I have physically and now Iím working on emotionally. I know you guys are pros but itís only been exactly 1 month since I found out about OM. And yesterday was the first holiday my kids were gone. Itís really hard to just change who I am and how Iím programmed to save this even if itís bad for me. I know I frustrate a lot of you with the mistakes I made of trying to nice her back. But I will do better. I wonít contact her anymore unless itís about the children. Between us things are distant but okay. She is not mean to me, told her sister she isnít mad at me 1% and now itís a great time to just back away. I didnít see it before I thought I could do or say something to make this stop. Thatís what I came here looking for. I came here for answers on how to not lose my wife forever. But I know itís not in my hands anymore. All I can do now is smart contact and put it in godís hands. I will do better and Iíll update when Iíve made it a week without any R talks. Thatís my goal right now. To make it til next Wednesday without anything other than polite yes or no answers to her regarding the kids. Also another goal is to do some exercising this week. Iíll let you know how that goes.
Posted By: Kind18

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 07:10 AM

Quote
I think itís not time to be nice or to try anymore.


How many times have you said this already? Youíre a broken record.

ďIím going to be tough. She contacted me. I played into her hands. Now I feel [censored]. Iím definitely done. Iím going to be tough, thatíll get her back!Ē

Rinse and repeat, round and round we go.

I give up on you Steve. Until you go and see a professional for some serious, high intensity counselling, you will keep doing what youíve always done.

Sorry to be blunt.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 01:09 PM

I will finally start IC Monday, the VA finally got back to me.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
I will finally start IC Monday, the VA finally got back to me.

Steve this is really great news to hear! My suggestion is to not waste a second with your counselor regarding trying to your marriage. Instead get to the root cause on why you are obsessed with a woman who treats you so badly. Also, try to seek counseling for your children. They are going to need a stable adult to be able to share their feelings with as they go down this road.

Iím not go lie you have a long difficult road ahead of you. I hope you are up for it.
Posted By: Thornton

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 02:37 PM

Hey Steve,

I have one question for you.

Letís say that your W expresses deep remorse and realizes she made a mistake by cheating on you for the 5th time, and she decides to come back.

Do you TRULY believe that she will never cheat on you again? Could you enjoy your life with her wondering which one of your friends she will sleep with next?

I get this is Divorcebusting and the goal is to save marriages. But you donít have a marriage, Steve. She was never yours. If she was, she wouldnít have had an affair, or two, or three, or four, or five.

You can DB like a champ until the cows come home, but that woman will never change.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 04:16 PM

Yep, I had a friend who is a therapist come over and he really helped me understand things differently. I guess I needed to hear it from someone face to face.

Last night she called me face time to "talk to my son" turns out he bit the OM's kid who is much older than him for pushing him. She actually blamed me for not making him behave. She said if he kept it up she would take him to a doctor for his anger problems. He cried and said "I don't want to be here with my fake sister, I don't want her, I want to come home to you dad" she asked me to watch him more days so she could recover from surgery, I just said "No I cant I have to work and I have appointments, im sorry" (In the past I for sure would have called in, adjusted anything for her) Then I told her "I will talk to our son, try to teach him some healthier ways to deal with his anger, and I asked him to be nice to his mom and stop hitting her and being bad" But I was shocked. She is absolutely gone, our son was her pride and joy nothing would ever come between them. I realized my buddy was right, she is not even close to the person I thought she was. Turning her back on me is one thing because I made mistakes too sure, but our son too? That just turned my heart cold. She will throw everything away to maintain this with OM. There is nothing anyone can do or say to stop it.

My plan is to go to VA and discuss some methods to detach in healthy ways with the Dr, admit that I have a serious issue because of being abandoned as a child which is probably why im so attached. Im sure and that she is really manipulating me and come up with a good action plan to get free. There was so many times I thought I was done with her through this month since finding out about OM, things she said and did that was like "oh that's it" but nope I still let he effect me. But my son being an enemy now too, her saying "I know you want him to punish me and ruin my day" like just wow man. I feel like he is going to be dumped on me in the future. That's totally fine, ill take custody, child support and live my life if it comes down to that. I love my kids they are good kids no matter what she says. I never thought it would get this bad. I was very naÔve.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 04:26 PM

I also plan to admit to the doctor that I am severely depressed, I have lost 46 pounds. I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, I put up a front all day at work and around her so she doesn't feel guilty. I do my best to do so for the kids. I haven't had a lot of time to myself to sort of just let this wash over me and accept it. its been crammed down my throat for the past 35 days at rapid speed and I just sat there spinning out of control trying to figure it out. I am a total mess. I am keeping up appearances to others but inside its pretty bad. Lots of anger, resentment, hopelessness, jealousy, all of that. The worst part is that it will be that way for a long time. If I don't really start to find a good way to drop this rope and be okay with myself its gonna take me down with it. That is what my therapist buddy told me. He is right. Today begins the day I stop trying to save my marriage and just try to save myself. Whatever happens to the M isn't on me anymore. Ill repost next week and let you guys know how the first week goes. I keep dragging myself here to barf everthing out and that may actually be not helping.
Posted By: Thornton

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 05:49 PM

My best advice is to start working out in tandem with IC. It will help with your depression and anxiety. You can also use your anger to fuel your workouts.
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/28/20 06:03 PM

Steve are you writing down these horrendous interactions with kids?
You w deserves to have her kids taken away from her. For ever!
Again, read Josephís thread.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 12:45 AM

Talked on the phone to WW yesterday for awhile regarding the children. I told her once they find out OM is more than a friend it will hurt them and change thier relationship with her forever and we need to prepare for that. Especially with my son. She continues to deny it will be a problem and says he and OM get along fine. Sure, until he realizes thatís who replaced daddy. But I guess thatís her problem.

She asked me why I donít call when I need things, why I donít talk to her or get on face time. I lied about it hurting me and just told her ďyou have a boyfriend, I know he gets upset when we talk, Iím not trying to cause you problemsĒ she said ďI donít care what he thinksĒ ďcall me anytimeĒ yeah Iím not gonna do that. But that shows a real small amount of respect for him already. What a mess.

I told her that if she is ready I have a family therapist willing to help us with the kids because they keep being confused by the situation and donít know we are getting a divorce. They want all of us to live together. I told her at some point they need to know that mom and dad are not gonna be together anymore and they are going to live this way from now on. She said she isnít ready to make that decision yet. She hasnít made a final choice yet.

I was just like wow in my own mind. She isnít gonna leave the OM not anytime soon, not until something bad happens. She is just trying to avoid reality and pain at all cost. She didnít even want to go to thanksgiving but her family made her and it was really weird. She said she has made this mistake before and rushed into it.

I just said hey itís fine, Iím good where Iím at Iím not in a rush to break it to the kids, start seeing other people Iím good working on myself.

She asked how work was I just said ďactually I gotta goĒ

That was yesterday. Havenít said a word since. Donít plan on it. Iíll call at 7 but only put the kids on as I been doing. Not being in her life is the best thing I can do for both of us. I know everything she says is crap. She isnít going to leave OM any time soon. This is my life now itís time to accept that. She doesnít care about anything but herself. She didnít even put a sweater on our kids to drop them off and itís mfreezing. Her sister went off on her for that. Iím just going to keep up with neccesary only contact and do the best I can for my kids. Itís eating me alive but I know that wonít last forever. Even if it seems like it right now. I get a lot of moments of sadness with the kids and the holidays that our family is broken. That my life went from well off to making it by. Being alone is tough. But I know itís what is necessary to heal. Looking forward to my IC appt tomorrow.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 01:29 AM

Steve,

Iím not gonna comment on your DBing because I realize youíre not even trying. I just want to say good luck with your therapy tomorrow.
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 02:12 AM

Steve, I'm not sure why you're here. You aren't doing anything advocated in the book or on this forum. If you're using your thread as a journal, then ok. Or maybe you're just putting us on. I'm completely confused at this point. Good luck. I sincerely hope that you move forward healthy and happy.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 03:00 AM

I couldnít avoid that conversation, she was wanting to medicate my son and continued to ask why he is being so bad there. I just repeated what my therapist friend said regarding the sudden family split and replacement family and how it will lost likely impact him.

I didnít tell her why I donít call with some sad story.

I didnít go on about my day or my life.

It was about the kids and that was it. I donít know where I went terrible wrong here. Maybe I just donít get it. It was a conversation I couldnít avoid. I havenít said a word since. I really hope the IC helps me with a better plan tomorrow. This isnít working and you guys are just getting irritated.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 05:30 AM

Steve,

Iím not sure why Iím going to try to explain this but you both manipulate one another. Your W recognizes that your not good for another and keeps on trying to get away. The problem is she is so messed up she keeps attracting messed up guys and the cycle continues. Until you both seek professional help this will most likely ever end.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 06:45 AM

Damn, that hit hard.

I think your right. I have in the past used any and every method I could to make her stay when she tried to run the last 3 times. I called her whole family, begged, pleased, faked divorce even threatened suicide. I donít know why I am being so honest here but I think itís because I want to be better. I canít accept her being with someone else. I think I need to let her go to be happy. I do love her and I donít want her to stay with me anymore unless she wants to. Thatís why this time I didnít beg or plead, I donít call her and tell her my pain or tell everyone whatís she is doing. I just sort of sat back and took it, tried to be nice this time. The last 3 times I got her back I used manipulation tactics and I didnít want to do that. This probably will be the time she doesnít come back because I donít guilt her Into it. Iím starting to realize that my W and I used to be great for each other. Years ago when she had a 1 night stand then got pregnant aborted it and told me it was a miscarriage it broke my trust and made me resent her but I didnít want to give up since we were married. I stopped putting my best foot forward a long time ago. I wasnít a bad husband I was kind and good to her, i have to admit I felt like a good person just for staying and that never lasted long, she needed more than that. I think I need to no I know I need to let her go to make this choice on her own. Another day for me of NC. She hasnít contacted me either. Iím just going to continue with NC and let the cards fall where fate puts them. Hard as it may be I do love her and because of that I have to let her go.

Thanks LH. Probably the first time Iíve been honest with myself this entire sitch. That was not easy to write or to share, more even to admit. Iím not going to try to make anything happen here. Just gonna do the old saying let her go and if she comes back ... but work on myself in the meantime.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 10:54 AM

Steve,

Youíre welcome.

The number one problem that gets people here stuck is they want their spouse to be something that they are not. You want your W to be a loving faithful person. She is the exact opposite which is is unfaithful manipulative person. Thatís why you are in so much pain and suffer. I always use the quote ďyou can ignore reality, but you canít ignore the consequences of ignoring realityĒ. If you can really understand that quote you will understand why you are suffering so much.

Iím not going to lie Steve you are a very broken person who who has been through some troubling times. If you want to ever get better you have to stop the cycle and do the hard work to get better. If you canít do it for you then you need to do it for your children. Good luck today with your therapist.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 06:01 PM

Hi Steve, I'm so glad you're starting therapy!! You've struggled with letting go. You keep contacting her (and allowing her to contact you), trying to control her (and allowing her to control you). A therapist can be very helpful at figuring out why you're not able to move beyond your old patterns and form effective strategies for doing so. I seek therapists when I feel in a mental rut. Asking for help at the right times is a strength.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 08:30 PM

Well the therapist was an eye opener. Told me some things I needed to hear but didnít want to.

She about cried when I told her my sitch, the lying, having to move our home, how Iím struggling now, etc. she commended me on not retaliating and told me it took a lot of strength to do that. In her opinion the relationship my WW is in probably wonít last and she might just come back because I have always been her constant, her safe place, etc. she thinks itís because I was abandoned by my father as a kid and by my W several times i have such a hard time letting go and being alone. She calls it an anxious attachment style. She made me answer if I wanted her to come back. I told her the truth ďI honestly donít know anymore, I do love my W but this was really bad and I donít know if I could ever let this goĒ her advice was pretty simple just in case, Practice now, decide later if that day comes.

Let her go.
Let the whole thing go.
Setup neutral boundaries to things I donít want to do.
Accept this is life now.
Stop fighting the changes.
Let her figure out what she wants to do. Without my input.
Stop trying to rescue her from her mistakes.
Distract myself with anything I can when thoughts intrude.
Work on loving myself again. Stop focusing on my shortcomings in the M.
Prepare that she never comes back and Iím on my own.
Get to the point where I am ok being alone, single dad, detached from her.

Really similar advice as you guys give, minus the saving the M. Most of you here donít think I can or should do that. But it seems like that doesnít really matter since after IC today there doesnít seem to be anything I can do anyways but look at what I did wrong come up with ways to not repeat that behavior. See if this thing of hers fizzles out. Back away in the meantime. If she doesnít come back take that knowledge to the best relationship and do better.

Iím supposed to keep a log of any interaction I have with her this week. Also Iím not allowed to initiate any interaction we have for next week. The therapist doesnít want me contacting her whatsoever and wants me to ignore anything that isnít regarding the children directly for this week and report back on how that goes. Again similar to advice here but Iíve been unable to go a week since OM drop a month ago. Iím determined to do it this time.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 08:44 PM

Hi Steve_,

Sounds like a great session! I deleted this, then re-added it. It seems in-line with her advice--

Originally Posted by Steve_
It was about the kids and that was it. I donít know where I went terrible wrong here. Maybe I just donít get it. It was a conversation I couldnít avoid.


You certainly could. I'm on good enough terms with my ex-wife she wants to rekindle a relationship--and we don't chat as often as you and your ex-wife! My GF doesn't call or see her ex-husband at all.

Consider just the first statement you made--

Originally Posted by Steve_
I told her once they find out OM is more than a friend it will hurt them and change thier relationship with her forever and we need to prepare for that. Especially with my son. She continues to deny it will be a problem and says he and OM get along fine. Sure, until he realizes thatís who replaced daddy. But I guess thatís her problem.


First, "we" (you and her) no longer exist.

Second, telling her what she NEEDS to do is controlling. You've done that multiple times in this thread. She doesn't have to prepare for that. She's an adult and the kids' guardian during her custody period. She gets to decide what's best for them during her custody period, short of certifiable neglect or abuse.

Third, you say "That's her problem." If you truly believe that, this interaction was more about her than the kids. If you believe this is a problem for your son, then take action yourself. Be a leader instead of a follower or that person who tells others what to do! Make YOUR story epic and amazing.

Posted By: Mumin

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 08:48 PM

Be a leader instead of a follower.
SO strong CW!
Posted By: Thornton

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 08:53 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
I have always been her constant, her safe place, etc. she thinks itís because I was abandoned by my father as a kid and by my W several times i have such a hard time letting go and being alone. She calls it an anxious attachment style.


I can relate, Steve. I also have abandonment issues from my childhood and have an anxious attachment style (Aka codependency). I also was able to get my ex back 4x (I cringe when I admit that I accepted her back so many times after leaving me) before she last left, I really struggled with letting go and obsessive ruminating.

The single best thing that has helped me in my journey has been staying single and going pitch black no contact with my ex. I've been single for almost 18 months now - by far the longest I've ever been single. It has been extremely painful and lonely but has also been very rewarding as I have learned to be ok by myself. I've also learned that I don't need a woman to validate me.

No longer will I tolerate anything less than I deserve from a partner because I know I will be just fine or without them. It's truly a game changer when you start to find your self worth again.

It's a long journey, Steve. But so rewarding. It's time for you find what makes you happy outside of your "relationship" and make yourself the focus.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 09:08 PM

Yep I was trying to like get her to see reality. Try to make her see the consequences of her actions. After IC I see that I was trying to manipulate still. Which is why I wonít be taking to her at all anymore unless she reaches out for the kids or itís an emergency. The reason she kept running is because we manipulated each other back. That canít happen anymore. She must choose to be with me of her own accord or it wonít ever work. And the way the therapist explained it today It doesnít make my day to day easier yet but I do feel that I really need to detach and let the cards fall as they may. I this will be my first straight 48 hours of no contact at all. The first 24 was really hard. Still hard now but itís what I need to do itís not like I have a choice if I want to get better.
Posted By: JosephS

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 11/30/20 11:25 PM

You can do it. Keep up the IC and start finding new hobbies or reconnecting with old ones. Make life about the kids and yourself.

Time will heal this. And as slow as it marches you always look back and wonder where it went. Hang in there. The pain will get better if you stick to your guns and stop reopening the healing wound.
Posted By: MrBrside

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/01/20 09:53 AM

Steve,

You are a mess - I think you know this, but you need to stop being selfish and take responsibilty as a father. Yes - I called you selfish.. Because IMO you are soooooo focused on WW, the rest of the world is passing you by, and i'm pretty sure your actions are having an impact on your children.

You know the script - you have read Sandys rules - WW turn into selfish creatures.. FACT !
Your WW is a selfish piece of trash. Introducing your children to OM so soon says it all - Just wrong. She did not consider your children at all. Joseph has commented on your thread. Like you, it took him a while to see that life is better once your beat the WW addiction. Once that happened, he started to see his WW for what she was, and it changed him as a man. You really need to kick your own a&& into touch - we cannot do it for you. And the starting point shoudl be the children - they are young and this manipulation and silly games on both parts ( yours and WWs ) will impact on them.

Originally Posted by Steve_

she asked me to watch him more days so she could recover from surgery, I just said "No I cant I have to work and I have appointments, im sorry" (In the past I for sure would have called in, adjusted anything for her)


Wrong answer !!!!! - Anything for her ?

STOP thinking about her. Your Son wanted to be with you as he doesnt like his home enviroment with his WW mother - and your reply is to say no - but in the past you would have adjusted anything for her ???? - Your thought should be anything for him ! - Your focus needs to be your Son, but you are thinking about your cheating ex !. If you had work and non moveable appointments, then thats fair enough - But you need to focus on you and and the children. That comment in bold shows how messed your logic is - WW is your first thought - Not the children - Wrong Wrong Wrong.

Originally Posted by Steve_

She is absolutely gone, our son was her pride and joy nothing would ever come between them.


Sorry Steve, everybody but you can see one thing - She was never there in the first place ! So what are you going to do ? WW is pushing son away - Man up, lose the self pity, start to work on your self respect and become the best dad your can be..

Originally Posted by Steve_

admit that I have a serious issue because of being abandoned as a child which is probably why im so attached.


You have issues - you also have a responsibility - ensure your children don't go down this route. You need to man up and step up. How do you think your children feel - their world just got turned upside down - Yet most of your posts focus on you or your unhealthy obsession with WW....

So... Think about his....

I suspect when you see your children, you ask questions about your WW or OM... I dont know this for sure, but based on your unhealthy obsession, its pretty much a given.. If you are STOP.

Make the time with the children about you and the kids.. You don't mention WW or OM. If they mention, validate and support but don't get drawn in. Do something positive to take their minds off it / change the subject.

Make memories - And that doesnt mean sticking them in front of the TV with the disney channel. Fresh air and fun.

These memories are for you and the children - You don't need to post them over social media or send to WW - Posting on SM or sending to WW screams "look at me" - wrong focus - it should be for Kids Kids Kids - Its not about you or the WW.

Have the children as often as you can - You are doing this for them and you - Not for the WW.. If they kids want to be with you, move heaven and earth to make it happen around work.

Become their ROCK !

And start today.



Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/01/20 12:41 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
Yep I was trying to like get her to see reality. Try to make her see the consequences of her actions. After IC I see that I was trying to manipulate still. Which is why I wonít be taking to her at all anymore unless she reaches out for the kids or itís an emergency. The reason she kept running is because we manipulated each other back. That canít happen anymore. She must choose to be with me of her own accord or it wonít ever work. And the way the therapist explained it today It doesnít make my day to day easier yet but I do feel that I really need to detach and let the cards fall as they may. I this will be my first straight 48 hours of no contact at all. The first 24 was really hard. Still hard now but itís what I need to do itís not like I have a choice if I want to get better.


This is great! This is what we tried so hard to get you to see. Every time you made a little comment to her "Well, you aren't moving towards me." "The kids will be upset once they realize that OM is more than a friend" etc, it was you still trying to wake her up and manipulate her and the situation! I am glad the IC was able to get through, and that is what we were so hoping for you.

I really believe that IC is a 100% must. Those posters that resist it flail along with bad decision after bad decision. We've seen some examples of that here over the last few years, and it is always painful for those of us that want to and try to help to witness. The biggest excuse is "I can't afford it", and my response is always the same: You cannot afford NOT to!

Keep moving forward Steve_, you've got this.
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/01/20 05:39 PM

So glad to hear you've started sessions with IC.

When we suggest NC, except something important regarding the kids.........it doesn't mean you contact your spouses and use the kids to get into a R talk. Example below: (I won't copy the entire post.)

Quote
Talked on the phone to WW yesterday for awhile regarding the children. I told her once they find out OM is more than a friend it will hurt them and change thier relationship with her forever and we need to prepare for that. Especially with my son. She continues to deny it will be a problem and says he and OM get along fine. Sure, until he realizes thatís who replaced daddy. But I guess thatís her problem.

She asked me why I donít call when I need things, why I donít talk to her or get on face time. I lied about it hurting me and just told her ďyou have a boyfriend, I know he gets upset when we talk, Iím not trying to cause you problemsĒ she said ďI donít care what he thinksĒ ďcall me anytimeĒ yeah Iím not gonna do that. But that shows a real small amount of respect for him already. What a mess.

I told her that if she is ready I have a family therapist willing to help us with the kids because they keep being confused by the situation and donít know we are getting a divorce. They want all of us to live together. I told her at some point they need to know that mom and dad are not gonna be together anymore and they are going to live this way from now on. She said she isnít ready to make that decision yet. She hasnít made a final choice yet.

I was just like wow in my own mind. She isnít gonna leave the OM not anytime soon, not until something bad happens. She is just trying to avoid reality and pain at all cost. She didnít even want to go to thanksgiving but her family made her and it was really weird. She said she has made this mistake before and rushed into it.


I'd like to use your post above as an illustration for newcomers trying to go NC, and use their kids for the reason behind the call. I'd guess the thing that immediately gave it away was when you said, "Talked on the phone to WW yesterday for awhile regarding the kids". smile Then you started talking to her about the OM and how it could affect your kids, and basically turned into a R talk. Although the conversation included your son, this is not what we normally refer to as a kid related contact! We are talking about some type of information being passed from one parent to the other parent that is directly linked to the children. Maybe others won't agree with me, IDK. IMHO, we are referring to something like logistics. Some detail or specific question about the child that would require checking with the other parent. Like, if one parent took the child to the doctor and was prescribed medicine. See what I mean? It's something one parent would need to know......and that's the reason for the exception to NC. I remember one case where the LBH would call the WW to remind her to put a coat the child before leaving the house. (smh)
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 02:00 AM

Messed up again today.. backslid ..

Dropped the kids off to WW. At her moms she asked me to take them to her and omís new place. I politely refused and told her I wonít go there. So moms it was, i got there she was waiting on me, She said ďhey..pet name.. to me you can say hiĒ
I smiled and she came up to me and said wow.. you look Fing amazing. Sheís never said that before. She asked me well... and twirled around and said how do I look? Ok waiting? I told her, Iíve said you look amazing so many times, you already know that.. she put her hands on my body and said damn, divorce is treating you well.. I fought it all most busted out hearing the divorce word.. She said oh no no donít get upset. I forced a smile. Kinda shook it off. She put her hands on my body and felt me up without asking. Then She said come here to the garage. She showed me her boobs that she just got fixed. I just said ďthatís really nice Iím sure someone is happyĒ she said ďawww pet name, donít say thatĒ then she laughed that I called him a math teacher before and said ďhe isnít uglyĒ He really does look like a substitute math teacher lol she is really beautiful way out of his league. I just laughed at that and said ďhe makes you look bad, you could do so much betterĒ I walked away and she hugged me and I said ďsee you.Ē She said bye handsome.

This is why I try to avoid her. Iím not strong enough yet. I know she doesnít want me but why the hell does she do that? I need to get to the point I just get stone wall solid. Iím ashamed of myself. A month and everything I did went down the drain. Iím just gonna straight up ignore her from now on maybe she will get pissed and stop playing games with me. She isnít coming back. Iím just hurting myself like an idiot. I wish I could like go 90 days without her at all like to jail or back to Iraq or something and detox. It [censored] having to see the person that just up and walked away from your life without warning. Next time Iíll just keep my distance and smile from afar. What an idiot I was. Big test to see if she still has me, big fail on my part she does. Dammit I want to stick my head in the dirt. She isnít coming back, why do I do this.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 02:14 AM

She must feel like a goddess right now. One handsome loyal and honest man pining for her, working his ass off to be better, being a great dad and being super cool with her still after betraying him and another man begging to be with her doing anything she wants her nestled up with him. Must be nice to be a WW. I need to drop this damn rope. Itís killing me. Next time I come prepared for this. Keep my distance. Keep my pride. I feel like crap now. I feel so stupid. Siting in my apartment alone knowing sheís gonna be laying in our bed with him tonight. She didnít even buy new blankets. I feel like a loser giving her my affection and kind words. Ugh Iím pissed at myself for being so weak. I tried to hype myself up to get through that and failed bad. I guess itís at least 4 days I get of NC and next time Iím just staying away. Nobody can 2x4 me harder than Iím doing it to myself I know i messed up.
Posted By: may22

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 02:30 AM

Hey, it happens. Pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and you'll do better next time.

Idea-- what will you do next time if the same thing happens? Not get out of the car? Stare at her with dead eyes and and a bored look on your face? Maybe work with your IC on something you can do to prevent that opportunity from happening again next time. (no need to smile from afar. Just a straight face is fine. What would possibly cause you to smile when looking at her?)
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 02:59 AM

Just because I want to show her that Iím okay. I know this is her loss. Not mine thatís what I tried to do. But I failed at that.
Posted By: Sage4

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 05:01 AM

Oh Steve, I hope you reread the events down the road and see how disgustingly manipulative she is. Her actions are so wrong on so many levels. You are a good man. And you deserve so much more than a manipulative woman playing you for all youíre worth. There are so many women in this world who love will love you purely and wholesomely... keep that image in your mind as you navigate her selfish antics.
She is taking advantage of you on so many levels, as a woman I am shocked (though I love purely and wholesome so thereís that). Did you get ensnared in her trap? Yes. But she is taking advantage of someone whom she knows is in a weak place. There is nothing more despicable.
Dust yourself off, let the anger fuel you to not let there be a next time. And you know there will be a next time. The further detached you get, the more she will pull these sorts of things. Your job is to focus on you. And your kids (who are living beings separate from her even if she helped create them).
Take a deep breath, forgive yourself. You are worthy of so much better than this.
Posted By: Spiral

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 07:21 AM

There's always another opportunity to start DBing like a champion starting tomorrow and there's never any sense in worrying about what you did in the past. Focus on the future. And try to avoid these situations by cutting out unnecessary contact. If you don't respond to texts, calls, or statements, people tend to stop sending texts, making calls, or saying things. That will make it easier to detach.

-Spiral
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 07:32 AM

Hi Steve_,

Like an alcohol addict, it's easy to focus on the mistake of how you reacted to her baring her breasts (having that third drink). Of course, you had no business talking to her in the first place. Keep it simple. At drop-off let the kids out of the car, wave or say goodbye to them, then drive away.

Tomorrow is a new day. You're doing IC! That's huge. Chin up and stay strong.
Posted By: JosephS

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 10:39 AM

This almost doesnít seem real at this point. She was at her moms yet wanted you to meet her elsewhere? You allowed her to touch you? And than show you her boobs? Come on man.

I know you havenít taken really any advice. But meet her in a public place and wear ear buds from now on when you drop the kids off.

Stop making excuses for why this keeps happening and accept your role in it. She can only do what you continue to allow her to do.

Good luck. I really donít think I can add much more to this except continue therapy.
Posted By: Kind18

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 01:13 PM

She is a disgusting human being.

This incident was actually good for your development. Youíre starting to see her for what she is, and youíre starting to see the part youíre playing in it. It takes time. It gets a little bit easier every time. It wonít always be like this.

Tell your IC what happened, and put strategies in place to prevent it happening again. Next interaction you should walk in 100% mentally prepared.
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by JosephS
This almost doesnít seem real at this point. She was at her moms yet wanted you to meet her elsewhere? You allowed her to touch you? And than show you her boobs? Come on man.

I know you havenít taken really any advice. But meet her in a public place and wear ear buds from now on when you drop the kids off.

Stop making excuses for why this keeps happening and accept your role in it. She can only do what you continue to allow her to do.

Good luck. I really donít think I can add much more to this except continue therapy.


This!

Steve why would you even follow her into the garage? "Sorry, I am too busy." Then leave.

You engage with her because YOU WANT TO.
Posted By: Thornton

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 02:37 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
I smiled and she came up to me and said wow.. you look Fing amazing. Sheís never said that before. She asked me well... and twirled around and said how do I look? Ok waiting? I told her, Iíve said you look amazing so many times, you already know that.. she put her hands on my body and said damn, divorce is treating you well


I know we aren't supposed to diagnose anyone but this is clearly a lovebomb from a Cluster B. Pure manipulation.
Posted By: mtb1981

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 02:38 PM

You know what to do, Steve. So quit farting around and get to business. You did a tour in Iraq goddamn it. You can follow orders. You're not stupid. Man up and stop this nonsense. Stop torturing yourself and let her go. I'm sorry, but that woman is complete trash. You're nothing but a toy for her. Stop following her around waiting to be abused. Because that's what this is becoming. Emotional abuse. It's sick. So glad to hear you're in IC. Keep your head up, buddy. Ditch the witch and get back to enjoying life...
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 04:54 PM

Quote
Dropped the kids off to WW. At her moms she asked me to take them to her and omís new place. I politely refused and told her I wonít go there.


Good job!

Remember, I mostly talk from the viewpoint of a WW, so if or when I say, "She needs".....I mean that's what has to happen in order for her to come to her senses so to speak, (Please don't make me regret saying that sentence). When I say, "She needs", I don't mean it's what she desires. Make sense? Okay, so let's work on this.

Quote
So moms it was, i got there she was waiting on me, She said ďhey..pet name.. to me you can say hiĒ
I smiled and she came up to me and said wow.. you look Fing amazing. Sheís never said that before. She asked me well... and twirled around and said how do I look? Ok waiting? I told her, Iíve said you look amazing so many times, you already know that.. she put her hands on my body and said damn, divorce is treating you well.. I fought it all most busted out hearing the divorce word.. She said oh no no donít get upset. I forced a smile. Kinda shook it off. She put her hands on my body and felt me up without asking. Then She said come here to the garage. She showed me her boobs that she just got fixed. I just said ďthatís really nice Iím sure someone is happyĒ she said ďawww pet name, donít say thatĒ then she laughed that I called him a math teacher before and said ďhe isnít uglyĒ He really does look like a substitute math teacher lol she is really beautiful way out of his league. I just laughed at that and said ďhe makes you look bad, you could do so much betterĒ I walked away and she hugged me and I said ďsee you.Ē She said bye handsome.



I know the rules say to be upbeat, pleasant, etc. However, sooner or later there's usually a situation that requires a firm/serious response. You should have let her know in no uncertain terms that you aren't amused or flattered, and to get her hands off you. That's what she needs to get through her head. She can't switch into her wifey persona whenever she chooses. Her H's body is no longer available for her to touch. You need to get it through your head, too! WW was conducting herself very inappropriately. Did you even consider her flirtatious behavior as being out of line? Probably not, b/c you still think of her as your "wife". She had certain liberties as your W, but things change when D comes.......like running her hands over your body.

Here's another example of a LBH being caught off guard and not knowing what to do. Next time, immediately call a halt, and exit ASAP. She needs to understand she is no longer entitled to call you pet names, touch you intimately, or say/make sexual suggestions. The terms have changed. She can't do intimate things with you one minute and go sleep with OM later, b/c you don't play that way. Right? This woman wants a D and has chosen OM over her H, but she wants to conduct herself in this type manner of her soon to be XH? This was a situation that required just a bit of sternness, IMHO, enough to let her know that with the new life comes new terms. I don't mean it in a punitive sense, but rather show that you won't stick around while she plays these type games. You respect yourself more than this. Next time, wipe the smile off your face, turn around and leave. Who does she think she is? She has no right to touch you in that manner or take you off into another place to show her naked breasts, b/c she didn't want to be in a MR with you and dumped you for another guy. You still think of her as being your W, and it really clouds your thinking when she pulls these type of stunts. Try your best to see it from an objective viewpoint. Stop focusing on how much you love her and can't live without her, and focus on self-respect.

Quote
This is why I try to avoid her. Iím not strong enough yet. I know she doesnít want me but why the hell does she do that?


She gets off on it. I've tried to tell you how a WW operates, but you aren't listening. Personally, I think both of you are toxin at this point. If I hadn't read other cases that gave a similar description of the WW........I would think your WW needs a therapist. I mean, you can expect ANYTHING from her.......if you don't figure out how to drop her. And, that's why we spend hours on the board, trying to help you figure it out.

Quote
I need to get to the point I just get stone wall solid. Iím ashamed of myself. A month and everything I did went down the drain. Iím just gonna straight up ignore her from now on maybe she will get pissed and stop playing games with me.


Okay, Mr. Nice Guy, would it bother you if she got pi$$ed? I think you'll have to work toward that goal. See, the period of time where the couple are actually going through a D is fragile. Maybe I should say, the LBH is fragile if he's still hoping she'll come back. Couples can be civilized when interacting with each other. They don't have to shift to BFF gear. Based on personal observation and the cases here, they don't take time & space away from each other before they start all this pretentious "best friends" cr@p, and it's not normal for the one who is dying from a broken heart. He's been demoted from H to friend. So, they need a cooling off period, where they make adjustments to their new lives.

Quote
She isnít coming back. Iím just hurting myself like an idiot. I wish I could like go 90 days without her at all like to jail or back to Iraq or something and detox. It [censored] having to see the person that just up and walked away from your life without warning. Next time Iíll just keep my distance and smile from afar. What an idiot I was. Big test to see if she still has me, big fail on my part she does. Dammit I want to stick my head in the dirt. She isnít coming back, why do I do this.


I would like to suggest you practice what the AA do. I've heard that they focus on getting through first day without drinking. When the next day comes......they focus getting through that day. Rather than biting off 90 days, why not make it a daily goal of "today". Just get through today. When you are tempted, struggling, etc........call someone, or come to the board to talk to get through it. Deal with your feelings.....as if it's an addiction. I think you have a mental health issue. Whatever it is, it's being camouflaged as "love". I'm not saying you don't love her, but I think you have a fear of something greater.

IDK how my posts may sound when you read them, but I am concerned for you, and all newcomers who are faced with these type of problems. Sometimes either or both spouses have additional circumstances/problems going on, and it sure doesn't help at a time like this. For example, some couples have a special needs child, or a high-pressured job, or physical problems. It all adds to the stress factor. ((hugs))
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/02/20 10:43 PM

Yeah one day at a time.

Today I said not a single word. The hospital even called me ďthe husbandĒ regarding her hernia surgery coming up, they said the left her a message and asked me to call her. Yeah Iím not doing that. Iím not her secretary. I just told the lady oh yeah sure.

Putting my phone on airplane mode today for the rest of the day. Watching some Netflix. Moved all the way out of her moms and left the keys behind. Got 3 days of work coming will stay busy. Keep my mouth shut.
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
Moved all the way out of her moms and left the keys behind. Got 3 days of work coming will stay busy.


Yeay! Now tell me the truth...............does it feel great? The improvement in your self-esteem has to be off the charts!

Well done.

Just like an alcoholic.....take it one day at time. Nice job yesterday. Now focus on today.

(BTW, I was an alcoholic. One day at a time was tough at first....but then after a few months I didn't even have the urge to drink anymore! It has been nearly 27 years. One day you will look back and wonder why you were so addicted to this crazy woman.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 05:23 PM

Tuesday was hard, it was depressing as hell. I left off tuesday with her on a very weak (for me) but positive note (for her). I posted something on facebook about wanting a time machine for Christmas so I could have done things differently. (no details about M or anything). Then I took it down a couple minutes later realizing it was stupid. Some sad cry to the ether that nobody actually cares about, I saw it was some some pity me crap and I deleted it. I never post anything. WW must have been stalking it because she text me and asked me why I took it down. I replied with "I don't want anyone to judge you, everyone feels sorry for me and thinks I was a perfect man, its not fair" She said "awww, its okay". I just said kiss our babies for me, goodnite.

Not a word since then on Tuesday night after that stupid interaction in person and that text. Nothing yesterday but doing my appointments, moving out of the moms, giving the keys back. Just being alone. I woke up today and it finally hit me, my wife is in love with another man, having sex with another man, she doesn't care anymore. The fake affection she did isnt love its feeling sorry for me, sympathy, pity, but she still lays in our bed with him. There is nothing left to say. I've been really good and understanding to her, there is nothing else to do but let time run its course. Anything I try delays the inevitable. That's what IC was trying to tell me, that's what you guys have tried to tell me. You cant nice a ww back. You cant do anything but validate, agree and dissapear from thier life as much as you can since that is what they wanted. Im not talking to her anymore not because its a game, or it might work or whatever, its because its what she wanted, and its the respectful thing to do for myself and my kids, im tired of being the weak chaser, I shouldn't be chasing someone who could do that to everyone she was supposed to love.

I hope she doesnt reach out today for anything. If its about kids ill say yes, no, whatever minimum. Other than that nothing. Just go home watch my netflix,take a walk try not to think. Let another day go by alone.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 05:34 PM

Steve,

Your Facebook post is manipulation. In all my life I have never seen another human being attached to another person. I certainly do not envy you or her. Iím not sure how this story is ever going to end. Itís painful to watch from an outside view. I donít think any of us can help you.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 05:53 PM

Steve,

Good morning! Well, note down these two unnecessary interactions (Facebook and text) for your next IC session, brush yourself off, and move on with get-a-life activities.

Originally Posted by Steve
You cant nice a ww back. You cant do anything but validate, agree and dissapear from thier life as much as you can since that is what they wanted. Im not talking to her anymore not because its a game, or it might work or whatever, its because its what she wanted, and its the respectful thing to do for myself and my kids, im tired of being the weak chaser, I shouldn't be chasing someone who could do that to everyone she was supposed to love.

You wouldnít be the first or the tenth to say when asked by your ex-wife why you cut contact, ďItís what you wanted!!Ē That sounds weak because it is weak. If thatís your motive, your life will change day by day based on her whimsólike a marionette. You wonít get to live your own life and youíll be anything but attractive to her. The second motive you stated is much stronger. You should be cutting off contact because itís best for you and your kids. Scottís ex put it well, paraphrased by LH as,Ē she doesnít want to be around you because she doesnít want you to play your Jedi mind tricks.. (Her words). This will change most likely in time when she feels safe to be around you.Ē Agreed, that on top of it all, she doesnít sound like a good choice for a wife.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 06:40 PM

I was not trying to be manipulative, I just put that post up in response to chritmas wishes from my sister. About 2 minutes after I typed it in I deleted it. Its unfortunate that stbxw saw it. I responded honestly, I really dont want the world at large feeling sorry for me or judging her, that wont help my cause and itll make me the bad guy pointing the finger at her. I realized it, deleted it, she saw it and texted me about why and I answerd honestly. I havent said anything since.

I realize the more I do the weaker I look, seem, and feel. I am starting to understand that just didn't delete the thing fast enough. It was an innocent mistake but definately a mistake. Im just glad I havent said anything since then and made it worse. Its been the longest NC for both of us so far during this whole thing. Neither of us have reached out. Typically she would have hit me up regarding the kids being bad or to ask for something else, nada. Im glad.

And I really dont plan on explaining to her why Ive cut contact, I dont think it needs an explaination.
Posted By: Thornton

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 06:51 PM

I feel for you, Steve.

You are in the thick of withdrawing from a toxic relationship. It's no surprise to me that you are suffering immensely.

First things first, why are you friends with your W on FB? She's not your friend, she's your abuser.

Second, I would abstain from all social media for the next few months. It was one of the best things I did in my situation and helped me keep my focus on me.

Third, get your ass in gym and workout like you are training for a prize fight. I promise it will help you.
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 07:05 PM

Steve, just breathe. It will all be ok. You are still in the "the end of my marriage is the end of the world!" mindset. It isn't. In fact, like I've said several times, one day you will look back and wonder why you tried to hold on so tight! Your IC will help you work through it. But she is TOXIC and once you drop the rose-colored goggles and see her for the lying, manipulative, narcissistic, cheater that she is, you will be in a much better place.

My last advice. Stay off of social media. At least for a while. SM is a stumbling block for so many LBS. "Oh no, she changed her status from married to single!" "Oh no, she is posting pictures of her and OM. Oh no she has picture of my kid(s) with OM!"

None of what she posts on SM changes any of the truth. Whether she changes her status, whether she posts picture of OM etc.......the truth is that she is still a lying, manipulative, narcissistic, cheater. No matter what she may or may not be posting on SM.
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 07:09 PM

Quote
Some sad cry to the ether that nobody actually cares about, I saw it was some some pity me crap and I deleted it. I never post anything. WW must have been stalking it because she text me and asked me why I took it down. I replied with "I don't want anyone to judge you, everyone feels sorry for me and thinks I was a perfect man, its not fair" She said "awww, its okay". I just said kiss our babies for me, goodnite.


And, why did her text compel a responding text from you? You appear to be compulsive. You need a method to follow in order to break your compulsiveness to text her. You chose not to contact her when the nurse (or whoever) asked you, but just one text from your WW takes away any sense of logic. You want to say something to her than will shock her into see what she's done. You want her to feel badly for how you are suffering. Sorry, but it sounds pathetic! Telling her to kiss "our" babies..........seriously? A blind person could see how you are trying to provoke some kind of guilt or pity. Your words DO NOT WORK. Give up the words.

Quote
She said "awww, its okay".


How did her statement make you feel? Can't you see how she mocks you?

Quote
I hope she doesnt reach out today for anything. If its about kids ill say yes, no, whatever minimum.


So your success depends solely on a whether or not your wayward EX reaches out? And, BTW, let's not call it reaching out b/c that leans toward something that's totally opposite of the nature of the WW. She was not reaching out..........she was being nosy. I think she gets her kicks seeing you as a whipped pup.

Remember a few posts ago, you talked on the phone "about the kids", which quickly led to have another R talk. tired You simply experienced a short lived relief of pressure on your emotions. That's all. You won't even admit you called her with the intentions of talking about her, OM, and once again, trying telling her it's not too late to save the M. You have to be honest with yourself. You knew how you were feeling when you made the call.......and yet you excused it by throwing the kids into the conversation. This is not an acceptable kid-related contact!! It was not an emergency.

You told us in so many words that even though it didn't change the sitch.......you did feel better for telling her how you felt. This is such a misconception LBH's have, b/c they think something needs to be said. Even if they feel better after saying the words, They haven't impress the WW by having another talk. This is a basic concept LBH's must have about his WW. I know you still believe you can appeal to her emotions, and it will make her start thinking about what's doing. I KNOW YOU DO.......otherwise why would you continue talking to her? You must believe your words will impact her, and that's why you keep at it. Until you get it in through your head that it only add gasoline to the fire.........our advice/support is useless. She doesn't have a soft spot in her heart that will melt when you explain your feelings & concerns.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 07:22 PM

I talked to the psychiatrist at work today, he did therapy for 30 years.

He told me that its going to take a long time for me to detatch, in my mind this has only gone on for a little over a month, for her its been several. We are not on the same page here. Shes gone, im still here and until I can match her indifference nothing will change. He doesnt advise that I try to save this M but if I want to have any chance I need to step back and let reality hit her.

He offered me a medication for obsessive thoughts and depression. Im going to take it against my judgment but obviously my judgment isnt so great.

Still havent contacted her and i wont. Sandi I just meant I am glad she hasnt reached out either. I have expected some nonsense reason for her to contact me nothing so far. The silence is hard but its good for me. Ill post again once I do my next therapy session and if anything else comes up. Otherwise my plan is NC, IC and to start these meds.
Posted By: Thornton

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
I talked to the psychiatrist at work today, he did therapy for 30 years. He told me that its going to take a long time for me to detatch, in my mind this has only gone on for a little over a month, for her its been several.


I agree with your Psych. Except, I don't think she's been thinking this way for months. She's ALWAYS thought this way, she was never yours to begin with. She's broken now and was broken when you first met her.

Steve, believe it or not, IF you do the work, you have an amazing life ahead of you. You will heal, and when you do, that's when the woman you are supposed to be with will come into your life.

Hang in there.
Posted By: harvey

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 07:51 PM

Originally Posted by Thornton
Second, I would abstain from all social media for the next few months. It was one of the best things I did in my situation and helped me keep my focus on me.


I second this. I got rid of Twitter and FB after the divorce. I'm really glad I did. I only have Instagram--which I signed up for after the divorce and my XW is not a friend. I only have about 40 close family/friends. Thinking about getting rid of that too, but my Mom likes to see pictures of my daughters, and I'm not on it often. My daughters like that I'm not addicted to my phone.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 08:33 PM

Yeah I need to get off facebook im gonna delete it today. Not even send a "im getting off FB post" just delete it. I know the inevitable change relationship status will happen, and OM pics will go up eventually. Thats gonna mess me up I need to admit it now. There is nothing I can do. I am ashamed of myself for being so pathetic and weak about this. Im a dang pscyh nurse FFS I should know better than this. My wife is a sick person and so is OM. They got a super expensive townhouse and moved all our stuff there, they went from being friends to a couple living together in like 1.5 months. They been living together now 1.5 months. They just rocketed their kids and lives into this and all I have done is be a cushion for her. I should have went immediately into NC and let her hit this harder. I cant take it back now I can only do the right thing from now on. If im 100% honest with myself I know Ill be okay, in time. It was just hard to accept this massive change so fast, so unexpected, and being lied to this whole time that there was no OM, that we can "always get remarried" . Detachment has been really hard for me, obvious from the posts here. I don't think that OM and my W will work long term there are 1000% different from each other, our kids are totally different and so were our entire lives, but who knows maybe they will. I have to accept that too that the dude I hugged and called my buddy betrayed me and might be raising my kids. She tells me neither one of them wants marriage.. yeah right, maybe at the moment. He will ask to keep her from running, I guarantee it. It just sucked to be so blindsided by everything, asking every day for 2 weeks before BD "are we okay, is everything ok?" and getting a "yeah we are good". Just sick man..

I hate being lonely and so F'd over like nothing, like I meant nothing, that's what hurts the most is how I was simply discarded along with our idea of family and our new home all of it. Everything we worked so hard for was tossed in the trash for OM, his kids, his family.

Im just tired of hurting, tired of feeling this pain, this hole inside me left by the sudden removal of everything I counted on to be there. That's the lesson I took from this, never get comfortable with what you have, never get complacent with your partner. Am I responsible for her cheating on me and running off no? Am I responsible for her feeling like she was a possession I owned and not a gift I should have cared more for? yes. When this pain fades, I do enough NC, IC, and get stable on these meds I will be able to look for a partner that wont cheat over and over and that I can start anew with. At least I get that for my future. My W and OM get to know they are sh!tbags that destroyed thier marriages and are cheaters for the rest of theirs, good for them. I wish my kids weren't in this. My Dr. Friend and one of the MFT's here both think she is a narcissist. I guess its pretty common for people like me to be really messed up when we get discarded. Im gonna start looking into recovering from a narcissist. I didn't want to diagnose her but 2 professionals already did. Cant keep turning my head the other way anymore. Ill be back to update when i get my kids Saturday let you guys know how the rest of the week NC goes and my research on recovering from a narcissist.

Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 08:57 PM

Oh quick snippet. Asked the doctor to go over the DSM-V manual for psychiatric illnesses and asked him how to tell if someone does have full blown NPD. He went over 9 things and if the patient in question has at least 5 the dx can be made. She had at least 7. It blew my mind she has more than traits, she is full blown NPD.

Then he went on to say that Narcissists are never good canidates for therapy because they do not believe they are the issue, its everyone else... wow. I been fighting an impossible battle for years. What a waste.

A grandiose logic of self-importance
A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love
A credence that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
A desire for unwarranted admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally oppressive behavior
No form of empathy
Resentment of others or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
A display of egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes

Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 09:07 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
Oh quick snippet. Asked the doctor to go over the DSM-V manual for psychiatric illnesses and asked him how to tell if someone does have full blown NPD. He went over 9 things and if the patient in question has at least 5 the dx can be made. She had at least 7. It blew my mind she has more than traits, she is full blown NPD.

Then he went on to say that Narcissists are never good canidates for therapy because they do not believe they are the issue, its everyone else... wow. I been fighting an impossible battle for years. What a waste.

A grandiose logic of self-importance
A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love
A credence that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
A desire for unwarranted admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally oppressive behavior
No form of empathy
Resentment of others or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
A display of egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes



Why does this matter? I am almost sorry I mentioned her being narcissistic. You are are obsessing on it. To me it is less about a formal diagnoses (only a qualified psychiatrist can dx her, BTW) and more about recognizing the toxic behavior. If someone is beating you in the face with a ball-peen hammer, you don't stop to figure out why......you just turn and run!

So she is likely narcissistic. Great. Your goal should still be to move on healthy and setup for a happy, awesome life in the future.
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 10:17 PM

Steve, now that you are (and hopefully stay) NC.
Stop talking about her!
We donít need to hear more about her or OM. Least of all you!

Come here and post about your plans and your progress instead.
If there is an emergency or development with W then maybe mention it or ask if you have a question.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/03/20 10:33 PM

Steve85, he is a psychiatrist, we sit here and he dx's people with mental health disorders all day, thats why i asked him we are in the office doing telepsych confrences with schizophrenics, multiple personality disorders, psychotic disorders etc. It just helped me to understand the nature of the beast. Im not saying it helps me to rebuild my life at all.

Will do mumin.
Posted By: JosephS

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/04/20 03:01 AM

Iím gonna disagree with Mumin. If you need to write about her do it. If you need to write about your feelings do it. If you need to vent here do it.

But also please write about your progress.

Listen to Sandi, sheís flat out money.

Steve your happiness is tied up and into someone else. Thatís not ok. Find your happiness in yourself. Be happy by yourself. Find your self respect.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/04/20 07:26 AM

(((Steve))). You did not cause this. Your WAW is a serial cheater and was never ďyoursĒ... it was just your turn. Drop the rope. Save yourself.
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/04/20 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by Steve_
Steve85, he is a psychiatrist, we sit here and he dx's people with mental health disorders all day, thats why i asked him we are in the office doing telepsych confrences with schizophrenics, multiple personality disorders, psychotic disorders etc. It just helped me to understand the nature of the beast. Im not saying it helps me to rebuild my life at all.

Will do mumin.


You missed the point. Mental dx require the person be evaluated BY THE DOCTOR THEMSELVES. Further, even if she is NPD.....it changes nothing you should be doing!!
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/04/20 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by Steve85
.....it changes nothing you should be doing!!

This was my intended point as well. No babbling about her will help YOU Steve.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/06/20 05:33 AM

So today was a good day. Kicking butt at work, being a great nurse, tons of people that love and support me.

Had my sister in law call. She said hey I know itís hard but I want you to know I talked to WW other day. Dude she is miserable, everything OM promised is BS. He makes her work for everything, he makes her pay her own bills, she lied and said he pays for this and that but he doesnt. His W is giving him full custody of his 2 older kids and now my sister has to watch 4 kids 24/7. She is so unhappy and depressed. She said she still loves you but hesitated to say she loves him. She kept your pic that you sent her of the weight loss. She saved it. It was in her camera roll. She is staying with him because he keeps telling her that ďhe wouldnít have divorced unless it was for herĒ she is not happy, she will leave him soon or be miserable forever. She told me Iím a great man and and good dad. Told me that her sister is considering not speaking to me cause it makes her think about me too much.

So at this point distancing myself is a good thing. Sure it doesnít mean that she wonít get stuck with OM but that isnít my problem. Iíve been doing great at work, my kids constantly ask to be with me, and Iím looking great. The only thing I need to really work on is to detach. Itís hard seeing her in this pain but itís her choice.

Signed up for classes to get into the emergency room for fun and new experiences. Things are going good actually. I donít feel like a total loss anymore. Itís nice
Posted By: Sage4

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/06/20 06:23 AM

Steve, every person on this board is going to ask you 'so what?' and tell you to move on. And they are right. But I am curious what you are going to do with this information? Because in my mind (and in my situation) you can use this information in two ways:

1. Get sucked into the drama and codependency, think you may have a chance, try for the 5th (6th, 7th, 10th?) time to get her back

OR

2. Use this to fuel you to the next level of detachment, she made this bed, she made this choice, let HER suffer the consequences.

You are a great person. A good man. So worthy of so much more than being Plan B.

It is somewhat cruel, though I am sure well-intentioned, of your SIL to share these details with you. She has her sister's best interest in mind. But she doesn't have your best interest in mind. Only you can do that. Choose number 2.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/06/20 11:19 AM

Oh yes Iím going #2

I just felt really good when I learned that sheís been lying about how happy she is. How great everything is. I felt like I lost everything and she gained everything. Iím beginning to see that I didnít really loose anything at all. My WW is the one who messed up and lost it all. What she is getting is not worth what she had and all of us see it.

I get the benefit of starting over new, it hurts now but eventually Iíll be okay. I actually feel sad for her to be so stuck in her mistake. I do feel a bit better that I donít have to live that way I get to have my freedom, I get to spend time with just my kids and take my time to rebuild a life that I want to have, this D may end up being the best thing that ever happened to me and I just canít see it yet.
Posted By: Thornton

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/06/20 02:30 PM

Be prepared, Steve.

This is how my sitch played out as well. My Ex would come back weeping and begging me to forgive her. She would tell me about all her therapy she went to and all the self help books she read. Being a codependent, I would fall for it and rescue her. We would get back together and have great sex for about 3 months and then fall back into old patterns, and she would leave again.

Donít trust a word out of that womanís mouth.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/06/20 04:28 PM

Hi Steve,

Congratulations on going no-contact Dec 3rd thru 5th. Three days, I believe that's your longest streak! Unlike your ultimatums, this is the first sign you're beginning to detach and her backup plan will slip away soon.

I hope you heard what you needed, "It's not all good over there." I'm sure the truth lies between the flowery account she told you and the venting account she told her sister.

Regarding the sister-in-law, I would encourage shutting down conversations like this in the future as they will generally hurt your detachment. You heard what you needed to hear. Now, let go. This doesn't mean you can't talk to your sister-in-law. This just means to shut down any conversations concerning your ex.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/06/20 04:36 PM

Yeah thatís a good point. I didnít bring it up the sister did. Both of them want her to come back to me and not stay with OM. But itís not like I got control of that. Currently OM controls her.

I am just going to keep up with NC and do what I need to do for me. Thatís the only way to go forward. There is nothing else to do now. I canít stop this. Nothing I say or do will change her mind. All I can do is worth about me now. Whatever god intends for me and my kids is what will happen. Iím done fighting for someone that destroyed our life.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/06/20 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by Steve
Currently OM controls her.

She controls her.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/09/20 04:08 AM

Things went really good today. I had a really rough week turns out Iíve been taking testosterone therapy for a couple months for low T and the estrogen blocker I was on lowered my estridol to like almost unreadable. Thatís been causing me a lot of anxiety and stress and just feeling so bad 24/7.

Stbxw came and picked up the kids today. I didnít let her in my place though, ďshe laughed and said Iím not coming up donít worryĒ She told me she missed me and thinks about me all the time, asked if Iím doing okay if I need anything for the house if I need her to buy anything for the kids.

I just said no it would be silly to give you child support and have you pay it back. Iíll be alright.
We had a talk with the kids and I asked them to behave and not be bad to thier mom. My son has been raging at her and blaming her for being separated 100%. I told him not to do that and things happen in life we donít expect and itís not all his moms fault itís mine too. My 7 year old defiantly disagrees but needed to be said.
She was really happy with that. I started to back away and go to my place and she ran up and hugged me and smelled me, said your smelling good and looking great. I just kinda patted her on the back and just turned around and said ďsee you aroundĒ

I did not initiate any of that stuff it was all her. Itís hard to be a stone wall when I still have feelings for her but Iím sure in time it will be less and less emotional. Iím glad that at least this week I got my finger on that hormone imbalance having the doc call me was great it will help a lot. Gonna stay busy this week at work and go right back to NC.

Gotta remind myself sometimes that as ďniceĒ as she has been lately she still is banging some other dude. No need to act like things are all kosher, they arenít. Iíll get there.

Iíll check back in a few days. smile
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 02:51 PM

That didnít last long. I donít know what to do now.

My son has been lashing out at her, and at OM. He says he tried to make me and mom fight so we talk.
He told me that ďhe thinks OM is using mom to babysit kidsĒ

She blamed all this on me. She told me ďIím never coming back to youĒ and she told my son that too.
It crushed him.

I have never once said anything bad or wrong to my son. I never told him to go over there and do this and now she is blaming me. And said she is never coming back. That destroyed me. I know it destroyed him.

I donít even know how to handle that. I tried to talk to her, explain he is just upset, she wonít listen. She blames me
Posted By: Thornton

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 03:18 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
And said she is never coming back. That destroyed me.


Do you want her back, Steve?

Are you wanting to sign up to be cheated on 6 times?
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 03:19 PM

Steve,

You have/need to get out of the way. Stop intervening. Stop inputting yourself. What makes you think she's going to believe anything you have to say. She won't. Get out of the way. She will always use you as a source of everything going wrong in her life. The only way that stops if you get out of her way and allow her to feels what's its like without you being a part of her life.

You didn't have to call her to explain what your son did. Her relationship with ya'll on is for her to figure out. Not for you to fix.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I donít even know how to handle that. I tried to talk to her, explain he is just upset, she wonít listen. She blames me


She most likely knows he's upset. She doesn't need you to explain that to her. DETACH!!!!! Reread Sandi rules. And utilize AS detachment with love.

Joejoe01
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
That didnít last long. I donít know what to do now.

My son has been lashing out at her, and at OM. He says he tried to make me and mom fight so we talk.
He told me that ďhe thinks OM is using mom to babysit kidsĒ

She blamed all this on me. She told me ďIím never coming back to youĒ and she told my son that too.
It crushed him.

I have never once said anything bad or wrong to my son. I never told him to go over there and do this and now she is blaming me. And said she is never coming back. That destroyed me. I know it destroyed him.

I donít even know how to handle that. I tried to talk to her, explain he is just upset, she wonít listen. She blames me


NEWSFLASH: The WAS will blame the LBS for...........EVERYTHING!! The kids, their own unhappiness, the weather, why groceries are expensive, frogs being slimy.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT SHE THINKS.

When she starts blaming you walk away. Hang up. End the texting back. Do not accept disrespect from her. EVER.

Steve_, how is IC going? Please tell me you are going regularly.
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 05:56 PM

Long over due Steve.
Email only communication. Remove yourself as joe said.

What happens when S is with her is not your responsibility and frankly none of your business.
Tell her that over email and block her phone.
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 07:21 PM

Originally Posted by Mumin
Long over due Steve.
Email only communication. Remove yourself as joe said.

What happens when S is with her is not your responsibility and frankly none of your business.
Tell her that over email and block her phone.


Yep. Steve_ your pain will continue until you decide to put an end to it.
Posted By: Steve_

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 07:42 PM

Had a heart to heart with WW.

She said she doesnít want me texting her anymore and getting all emotional about my sitch, that I need to accept that she is moved on. I told her my reason was that she has been telling me otherwise and telling me that she isnít sure. She even cancelled the divorce appointment the other day. Now after this fight regarding my son she said Iím sorry. I shouldnít have been playing with your emotions too. She apologized and asked if we can just delete the texts back and forth and I agreed said it was a good idea to just stick to the kids from now on.

I should not have let it come to this where she had to push me away. But sheís pushing me away. I should have been man enough to cut her off a long time ago but I felt I needed to nice her back. I all I did was make it easier for her to dig deeper into life with OM without feeling any loss. It was stupid. At least Iím used to the loss now. And itís settled. No more games. Not sure if this M can be saved, guess it will depend on how her feelings change or donít. There is nothing anymore I can do. Probably never was, at least the cycle of up and down will be over for both of us.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 07:49 PM

Steve,

I think for once sheís being honest with you. Until you can find a way to become strong and independent I really think you are going to struggle Steve. I hope you continue with your IC appointments.
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 07:52 PM

Wtf Steve
I say again.


CUT
HER
OFF
Posted By: SteveLW

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 07:52 PM

Originally Posted by Steve_
Had a heart to heart with WW.

She said she doesnít want me texting her anymore and getting all emotional about my sitch, that I need to accept that she is moved on. I told her my reason was that she has been telling me otherwise and telling me that she isnít sure. She even cancelled the divorce appointment the other day. Now after this fight regarding my son she said Iím sorry. I shouldnít have been playing with your emotions too. She apologized and asked if we can just delete the texts back and forth and I agreed said it was a good idea to just stick to the kids from now on.

I should not have let it come to this where she had to push me away. But sheís pushing me away. I should have been man enough to cut her off a long time ago but I felt I needed to nice her back. I all I did was make it easier for her to dig deeper into life with OM without feeling any loss. It was stupid. At least Iím used to the loss now. And itís settled. No more games. Not sure if this M can be saved, guess it will depend on how her feelings change or donít. There is nothing anymore I can do. Probably never was, at least the cycle of up and down will be over for both of us.


Steve_ sorry to be blunt. But we've heard this before. You are like a roller-coaster. Up one minute, down the next. Please get into weekly IC.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 07:56 PM

Originally Posted by Steve
I donít know what to do now. My son has been lashing out at her, and at OM.

Simpleónothing. Itís her job to manage her sonís behavior during her custody period.

Originally Posted by Steve
He says he tried to make me and mom fight so we talk. He told me that ďhe thinks OM is using mom to babysit kidsĒ

Listen and validate your son.

Originally Posted by Steve
]She blamed all this on me.

She free to blame anyone she wantsóyou, the president, or unicorns. Your point?

Originally Posted by Steve
She told me ďIím never coming back to youĒ and she told my son that too. It crushed him.

Listen and validate your son. This is how she feels today. Tomorrow she may feel differently, but remember sheís a lying cheater, so hopefully by then you wonít take her back.

Originally Posted by Steve
I have never once said anything bad or wrong to my son.

Great! Your point?

Originally Posted by Steve
I never told him to go over there and do this and now she is blaming me.

OIC! This was a dream that you control her actions. You donít. Sheís free to do whatever she likes regardless of what you wish her to do. You control you. She controls her.

Originally Posted by Steve
I tried to talk to her, explain he is just upset, she wonít listen. She blames me

Oof! Donít pass go, donít collect $200. You are supposed to be NC. This is a bid to control her. Drop the bids to control her. Thatís best whether you want Reconciliation or A Good Future Free of Her.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 08:02 PM

Oof. You contacted her again?! When do you see your IC?
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 08:08 PM

Just want to point out another thing.
ď I tried to talk to her, explain he is just upset, she wonít listen.Ē
This sounds like you are focusing more on her than your son.
If your son over heard that conversation it would sounds to him like you are taking her side and NOT your sons.

Now that is something that you can never let happen.
That could quickly move your son out of your end of the ring and in to hers.
Be there, validate and listen.
His rock. His safe place.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 08:11 PM

Thatís a great point, Mumin. Heís ďjustĒ upset minimizes his feelings.
Posted By: joejoe1

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 08:23 PM

Steve,

You have to create a new thread!!!

All your energy and I mean all your energy has been focused on your wife, her actions and reactions, to what you, your son and family has done. The reason it got to the point where she had to push you away, is because, you wanted to hold onto whatever control YOU THOUGHT you had over her.

She allowed you to think that, but more importantly, YOU allowed yourself to believe her. You have been told, and If you read Sandi Rules, you would know that you should believe nothing a WW say and half of what they do.

If your were focusing on implementing Sandi Rules, than the statements you were making about what she was telling you, would have had no bearings in your life.

Pick yourself and stop WAITING her. No more waiting, Just moving FORWARD with your life. Stop looking back, and start walking forward. She has a problem in her life, NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM". You are moving forward. She calls you about something other than the kids, NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM". She twirling, NO LONGER YOUR WORRY". GAL (GET A LIFE). Stop WAITING ON HER.

Joejoe
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 08:23 PM

quote=CWarrior]Thatís a great point, Mumin. Heís ďjustĒ upset minimizes his feelings. [/quote]

Totally!
Even talking to W in the first place about what happened communicates he accepts what W is saying.
Posted By: job

Re: Steveís LRT phase 3 - 12/11/20 08:31 PM

New Thread:

Finally DBing and Accepting
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