Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: KitCat I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/16/20 10:34 PM
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2906288&page=11

Time for a new thread... its officially 9mo since BD today
Almost a year, putting on my half-full glasses. wink
Originally Posted by LH19
Member
Come on! If she was a guy everyone would be cheering her on. Momma needs some too.


Uh, did you post on the wrong message boards? We've collectively been consistent, male or female, dating is not something you should be doing until you've fixed yourself and moved on. At this pace KC will be headed for a BD again in a few years.

I'm with Thornton... I'm out.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/17/20 10:20 AM
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by LH19
Member
Come on! If she was a guy everyone would be cheering her on. Momma needs some too.


Uh, did you post on the wrong message boards? We've collectively been consistent, male or female, dating is not something you should be doing until you've fixed yourself and moved on. At this pace KC will be headed for a BD again in a few years.

I'm with Thornton... I'm out.

I don’t know Steve is this Divorce Busting Website or the Everyone Should Do As Steve and Thornton Say Website? She’s a mess and she admits she’s a mess. My point is her getting a little is not the end of the world. She’s hurting and that’s how’s she’s coping right now. We have all did things we shouldn’t have in the past.
Originally Posted by LH19

My point is her getting a little is not the end of the world. She’s hurting and that’s how’s she’s coping right now. We have all did things we shouldn’t have in the past.


Tell that to wolfman ! - one word - Consequences !
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/17/20 11:02 AM
Mr B I hear you but sometimes this site gets too sanctimonious.
Posted By: Mumin Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/17/20 11:26 AM
I think having strong faith or not makes a difference.
For those who don’t having a fling and ONS is just healthy for any single. Male or female.
Given they can stay uncommitted and detached that is. I think that is the main question.

Many of my friends (female and male) have had several uncommitted relationships.
Doing that less than a year after BD is risky business but not necessarily unhealthy IMO.
Wolfman is the prime example of what COULD happen.
Man I left a negative impression here. I hope people learn from my mistakes. I should be the poster boy of what not to do.
More of that risky behavior I alluded too in your previous thread.

So KC, you want your husband back, while talking to 2 or 3 different men, while “falling for one of them”, while sleeping with one of them, yet don’t know how he feels let alone his last name?

It wouldn’t necessarily be the end of the world to have a one night stand, but in reality you don’t even know if you did that. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if you’re update didn’t start with being offended a widower you don’t know at all stood you up and now people in general are bad.

I know you probably don’t have to worry about getting pregnant at 51, but STD/STIs don’t discriminate, so I do hope you were of a sober mind when you slept with “the pilot” and at least practiced safe sex.

I know COVID takes it toll, but you always had updates of all the things you did to keep yourself busy. Lunch with friends, yard work, sailing. You were getting a life just fine.
Well if it makes anyone feel better I'm not going to end up pregnant... LOL... had a complete hysterectomy 4 yr ago due to extreme health issues.

I am aware I'm walking a tightrope but frankly the distraction has been amazing.

This is part of my journey. I totally get that the first guy I sleep with after 11yr with the same man is just getting over that mental block and nothing to be taken seriously... and I don't feel I'm misleading him. He's kind of treating me like this is just a hook up anyway... one that will probably happen again... smile

H texted tons last night and today... nothing he really needed to bother me with but basic business that he could have problem solved himself. By this AM the truth came out... the timeshare sent my vaca itineraries to him rather than me as he is the listed primary owner... he was being nosey... Eh... shoulder shrug and moving on. I'm not looking to be his enemy but not looking to be his friend.

My Dr took me off AD's 6 weeks ago.

I'm happy.

I feel great.

I know I'm still going to have days where life feels like a complete train wreck.. but I know I have the ability to get through it.
Originally Posted by LH19
[Dummy didn’t strap on a love glove.


He was "in the moment".

I guess I don't have a monopoly on sanctimony.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/17/20 04:41 PM
That’s not sanctimonious that’s just common sense.
Originally Posted by LH19
That’s not sanctimonious that’s just common sense.


Ah, so sex is alright....if it is done LH's way. Got it! grin
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/17/20 04:48 PM
So you don’t see the difference in your very loose moral codes and a man wearing a condom or ensuring birth control when he doesn’t want a baby?
KitCat,

Originally Posted by KitCat-1month-ago
As for things getting back to my H - trust me. There isn't any way. We know no one who knows us both - period. I know its a freak unique thing but we are living completely separate lives with no interconnection.


Originally Posted by KitCat-today
By this AM the truth came out... the timeshare sent my vaca itineraries to him rather than me as he is the listed primary owner...


A month ago you insisted this wouldn't lead to casual sex and your husband wouldn't find out, lol!

These things follow predictable patterns. I don't have any moral qualms about your choices. I'm glad you're having a good time. Do consider the next step is usually replacing your co-dependence on your ex-husband with a co-dependence on the first guy/gal with a bit of chemistry. The more you can stand on your own feet before seeking a partner, the more likely you are to find and choose a good one for your life.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
KitCat,

Originally Posted by KitCat-1month-ago
As for things getting back to my H - trust me. There isn't any way. We know no one who knows us both - period. I know its a freak unique thing but we are living completely separate lives with no interconnection.


Originally Posted by KitCat-today
By this AM the truth came out... the timeshare sent my vaca itineraries to him rather than me as he is the listed primary owner...


A month ago you insisted this wouldn't lead to casual sex and your husband wouldn't find out, lol!

These things follow predictable patterns. I don't have any moral qualms about your choices. I'm glad you're having a good time. Do consider the next step is usually replacing your co-dependence on your ex-husband with a co-dependence on the first guy/gal with a bit of chemistry. The more you can stand on your own feet before seeking a partner, the more likely you are to find and choose a good one for your life.



Okay - I will admit that we lead completely separate lives in 2 different towns. We have NO mutual friends. We have no shared children and our children are out of the house.

It was a complete freak thing that my vaca/travel plans were sent to him rather than me because I made sure it was my address and we co-own the timeshare. So he knows I'm traveling and to where/when but it does not list who I'm traveling with... even if it did its just S19.

H will not find out I'm out with new people - we live an hour apart.

You're right. I didn't think this would lead to casual sex... I will admit I was wrong on that part. Frankly, I think its a good thing. Its not revenge sex. I'm not doing it because my H had OW. I'm doing as a means to continue to break ties to my H... my loyalty is something he will regret losing one day. I've been employed at the same place for 30yr... good times/bad times... I'm a loyal person. I stayed at this job because I knew when it was good how good it could be but there were years where it was a total shitshow. I approached my M the same way. I think this helped me close the door which is what everyone... esp STEVE85 has been wanting me to do.

I'm looking to do ME for awhile.
Originally Posted by LH19
So you don’t see the difference in your very loose moral codes and a man wearing a condom or ensuring birth control when he doesn’t want a baby?


We'll agree to disagree.
Originally Posted by KitCat

You're right. I didn't think this would lead to casual sex... I will admit I was wrong on that part. Frankly, I think its a good thing. Its not revenge sex. I'm not doing it because my H had OW. I'm doing as a means to continue to break ties to my H... my loyalty is something he will regret losing one day. I've been employed at the same place for 30yr... good times/bad times... I'm a loyal person. I stayed at this job because I knew when it was good how good it could be but there were years where it was a total shitshow. I approached my M the same way. I think this helped me close the door which is what everyone... esp STEVE85 has been wanting me to do.

I'm looking to do ME for awhile.


I just can't help but think this is another case of you being told that something isn't the best idea given where you are emotionally, and you ignoring all the advice and doing it anyway and then coming back here and explaining and justifying your behavior as something good and healthy. Please listen KC, casual sex is not the answer to your problems! It is not you "breaking ties" with your H!!! It's masking underlying pain with a temporary dopamine rush. That dopamine rush will wear off at some point and guess what will still be there, all that underlying pain. Like so many of us keep saying, you've got to deal with that pain FIRST, THEN pursue a new relationship.
I realize my choices are not for everyone and maybe not the best. I accept the broken parts of me and know in the scheme of things the sun keeps rising in the east.

Yesterday totally blew.... H kept texting. Asking if I had an extra charger for my drill because he is missing the one for his nail gun. Uhm... we sorted out all those things 6mo ago. He insists it in the toolbox but he took his toolbox. I went out and bought new one a few weeks later to put my stuff in.

First it was stuff about the timeshare... now a battery charger??? He moved his stuff from our home to storage to his home and was helping friends remodel. That charger could be anywhere but its not here. Buy a new one???

I did not respond.

He is still with OW. She can buy him one for Xmas.

I had to hire electrician to replace a couple of ceiling fans and a light. Not used to that. H always did all that stuff.

Today I realized I have a headlight out... frown So I'm googling how to fix that. I will be seeing H tomorrow for the puppy's appt and I know if I asked him to do it he would... BUT I AM NOT ASKING HIM.

I got this.... smile
I did good!!!!

I wasn't really sweating or anxious at all today. In the past I would have had a little anxiousness but today... nah... IDK if that's because it was in my office and in my office I got my sh*t together for sure. I'm good at what I do. :-)

H came in for his apt with our puppy who just turned a year old.

OMG it was soooo awesome to see this guy (last time was June I think). He is soooo handsome and just a gorgeous athlete. But, he LOVES his daddy.

So the first half of the apt was me asking questions about the puppy.. exam of the puppy and I had H help with that rather than have the staff come in.

Of course there was small talk - I do that with everyone but obviously we know each other. We chatted about SS20 who is dealing some issues post deployment and not coming home for Xmas. Since H had already gotten my timeshare travel itineraries I just went ahead and stated well we'll be out there for Xmas so we will make sure to see him and get him out to do something. That we were staying outside of Seattle. H asked "are you sure you want to be in Seattle right now?" Wow, concern?? Nope, probably small talk. Mentioned that my plan was to get SS20 to come with us on a turboprop to Rainier and Helens and H stated I should do the helicopter instead... (he knows I'm terrified of heights and flying and I sent him on the helicopter tour with SS20 because I did not feel comfortable... he is still trying to push my comfort zone... which is one of the things I love about him and have told him so --BUT not today)

Anyway talked about his hunting lately. That he just bought a forge... another new hobby for this new life he is living and loving. Not surprised at all. He is just passionate about this stuff... I accepted this about him but in his narrative I did not.

I just smiled and validated.

The staff giggled because they took turns walking by the exam room which has window and I was in the "power" position. He was seated and I was standing in a very commanding way they stated. YUP, that made me giggle.

Anyway eventually I just walked to the exam room door and walked out with him to the lobby while still chatting about his brother and then told him to have a good day.

There was tons of eye contact. He clearly had just gotten out of bed prior to apt. He never smiled. Not even when he told stories about the puppy. He never laughed. I did catch him briefly checking me out in my scrubs (I wore my most sexy pair today!) but it was extremely brief.

He did not ask about me. He did not ask about my son. He has already told me he likes to play... but I couldn't play so he found someone he likes to play with.

I will not go down the rabbit hole.

Nothing here folks but a woman doing her job and doing it well --- that puppy's healthy!
LH and Steve should kiss and make up. I can kind of see both sides. I didn't go on a date for over 1/2 year after divorce. Then, I went on several OLDs, but I made it clear I wasn't looking for something serious. A couple of dates ended in "midnight rendezvous". Do I regret it? Not really. I was clear with the women I went on the date with, and part of me needed the validation that I was desirable and everything still worked (hey, divorce messes with your mind). In the end I started dating a woman that I met outside of OLD. We're still together. Things are good and we are dating exclusively, but I think it will be years before we advance to something really serious (moving in together, marriage, etc.)

In the end my one night stands were harmless. I think the key is finding like-minded women that aren't looking for something serious. I didn't want to be dishonest and hurt anybody. It helped that my XW talked me into "getting fixed". I still needed to worry about STDs (I took precaution), but at least I didn't have to worry about knocking somebody up. smile
I had a nice relaxing weekend at home!!!

Yesterday I actually got back into the kitchen after 7mo of NOTHING. I brought in homemade blueberry muffins (with blueberries I picked myself this summer smile ) to the office. I made a homemade sweet potato shiitake mushroom bisque. My female bff was so excited that I was cooking again. I also treated myself to shopping and buying lots of new fun sexy underwear!

Pilot took me out on Friday night after a long work day and it was super nice and lovely... but then he goes quiet the rest of the weekend. If I text him he will respond but its not reciprocated... (face palm). I realize I'm chasing this guy... UGH, must stop! I like him and I know he finds me attractive but I get the overall feeling he is not that into me. We've been out a handful of times and he initiates that... sex is pretty great but clearly I find myself wanting more.

So for that reason I'm back to meeting new people. I need to walk away from this one as much as I wish I didn't. He knows I'm not divorced so perhaps he is just being cautious? Doesn't matter... I'm not supposed to be falling for anyone at this point.

Best news is picking up my son from college this week!!!! YEAH!!!
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/23/20 03:43 PM
Hmmmmmmmm. A guy is getting action from a 50 year old who looks like she’s 30 and has to put in minimal to no effort while you pursue him. He’s not be cautious he’s a smart man.
Well, you did say you made it clear to everyone up front that you were only separated and not looking for anything serious, just friends. So is a guy who probably wants nothing serious either. Just fun dates and sex.

So, does this mean you are now going to say “I’m separated and I still have feeling a for my husband , but I do want more of a relationship than just a FWB”

Bake instead. It’s safer.

And bTW, you probably don’t hear from him because he is with his Saturday and Sunday dates.

I hope you are using protection
Hi KitCat,

Glad you're out having fun and not locking-in exclusively with pilot guy!

Ginger has a point--you say you're unsatisfied with pilot guy in part because you want "more", but you advertised that you wanted "less". Is it possible you're not being entirely honest with yourself about your goals? I see wisdom in working on yourself before dating, but I didn't manage that myself for long. If you're advertising you're seeking less but actually want more, consider changing your advertising, and working out your must-haves and can't-stands, to improve your odds of winding up with better.

I have an old friend who can't stand being alone, insists she's just looking for casual hookups, then falls hard for people that she never would've considered if she were honest she was seeking a relationship. I'm aghast her current partner made the local news for allegedly abusing his own children. Getting over her ex before dating seriously would've helped immensely. Being up-front about her goals would've helped.

Originally Posted by Ginger
And bTW, you probably don’t hear from him because he is with his Saturday and Sunday dates.

Of course. This is the nature of the beast that is modern (multi-)dating. wink
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, you did say you made it clear to everyone up front that you were only separated and not looking for anything serious, just friends. So is a guy who probably wants nothing serious either. Just fun dates and sex.

So, does this mean you are now going to say “I’m separated and I still have feeling a for my husband , but I do want more of a relationship than just a FWB”

Bake instead. It’s safer.

I hope you are using protection


Well I really wasn't looking for anything more at the time??? I didn't feel I'd find anything I'd want something to be more committed too??? If that makes sense?

Quote
And bTW, you probably don’t hear from him because he is with his Saturday and Sunday dates.


Maybe???

I know he kind of complains about how quiet I am - I'm more of an introvert. So perhaps that part of the issue??? He will reply to my text, even this morning. But, he isn't initiated that much in the last 3 days and he certainly isn't showing interest in what I'm doing or up too... so that's a clear red flag. And, I wasn't supposed to like him this much either.

So making plans with a couple of new guys.

And CW - I'm completely comfortable in being alone. I've got lots of great hobbies that keep me busy but I realized my mind was getting mushy and it often drifted back to my H. Its been great to go days at a time and not have my head go there. Its just fun getting out. I can go out to a restaurant or a bar alone and being completely fine... it doesn't bother me. What I'm missing is interaction and conversation... it has helped my mood immensely.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/23/20 05:32 PM
Uuummmmm. That’s why you like him. If he was interested you wouldn’t. Remember you are broken so nothing makes sense.
Oh boy. You are acting the same way you do about this guy as you do your H. He isn’t interested in more than a date and screw, I’m afraid. That’s what you advertised, that’s what he was shopping for. And so were you. No need for overanlysis
Originally Posted by LH19
Uuummmmm. That’s why you like him. If he was interested you wouldn’t. Remember you are broken so nothing makes sense.


So you are saying I only like him because he is not interested in me?

No, I like because I find him interesting... and kind... and smart...

But, I recognize that I'm "chasing" him. I don't hear from him for a day... so I just texting him to say good morning and all that dumb stuff. He responds but doesn't keep the convo going... so I take that meaning that he is not that into me.

I agree I'm a hot mess...
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Oh boy. You are acting the same way you do about this guy as you do your H. He isn’t interested in more than a date and screw, I’m afraid. That’s what you advertised, that’s what he was shopping for. And so were you. No need for overanlysis


Truth

Will move on.
What does moving on mean?

Finding a man who knows you are separated, still emotionally enmeshed with your ex, is married, but looking for a serious relationship?

Do you hear how this sounds?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
What does moving on mean?

Finding a man who knows you are separated, still emotionally enmeshed with your ex, is married, but looking for a serious relationship?

Do you hear how this sounds?


Moving on means not chasing this one.

I continue to keep exploring things in my life that make me happy... things I want to do... places I want to see. Focus on my son who will be home this week. Focus on up coming travel plans in December.

I will continue to go out and have fun and meet new people.

I wasn't looking for serious relationship. I quite frankly did not feel given my situation with my ex that I would find anyone I would want any long lasting commitment with... oops I did.

I get it. I'm broken. This is the last thing I should be doing. And, I should be grateful he's not that into me.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/23/20 08:58 PM
Just because he’s not texting you doesn’t mean he’s not into you. Maybe he’s busy? Maybe you’re to needy?
Originally Posted by LH19
Just because he’s not texting you doesn’t mean he’s not into you. Maybe he’s busy? Maybe you’re to needy?


I realize I'm really need validation more than I ever needed it before --- so yes, I am being needy.

Its been a long time since I've been dating. It took me forever to agree to a first date with the H and then weeks before I agreed to a second... Then is was lots of dating and moving in 6mo later.

I've seen this guy once a week for the last 5 weeks.

I clearly need to take one giant chill pill. smile
CONFESSION TIME

So I'm painfully shy. Have been my entire life. High school boys though it was cute to come up and talk to me to see who could get me to blush first. I'm very much an introvert. I'm completely happy alone. I have no issues going to dinner, movies or traveling across the country alone. I'm good at it.

That being said I very much enjoy a partner in crime.

15yr ago I was dating a guy I went to high school with. I was quiet with him too but still we would talk on the phone for hours, text endlessly because we had history having gone to school together. We would go out as a foursome with his friends and they would dominate the conversation because they all knew each other. Of course if I was asked something directly I would always answer... but being an introvert I spend a lot of time listening and observing. So this guy would comment that I never would speak to his friends... frown I think he felt I did not like his friends - I did. I just need a lot more time to get to know people and feel comfortable.

Obviously my male and female bff's I've know for 40yrs so of course I'm talking all the time with them.

I've been with my H for over a decade... not an issue there but I will admit that a chunk of our issues were communication and I'm owning my side of the street for that. But, overall I don't think it was an issue with my H.

Fast forward to the guy I've been going out with. He says I don't talk to him. frown Now again, I'm more reserved and I felt I participated in our conversations but he talks A LOT... so I just let him talk. So once he pointed that out I do try to make more of an effort to speak. I did state that I am an introvert and I spend a great deal of time just listening and observing. I think that's why I drink more when dating - it lowers the issue for me and I tend to be more chatty.

The guy commented that I tend to communicative via texting... hmmm. My male bff pointed me to a book for me to read that in general introverts tend to do better with digital medium... interesting. But, I'm starting to think this is true.

So I already knew that this guy is dealing with some stress so I chose to break the ice last night and tease him... asked if he missed me. He replied yes.. he was pretty stressed today... sorry.

I asked what his drama was and he replied basically... his job (its his busy time of the year), his dog (very old dog with old dog health issues frown ) and I do not talk to him.

UGH... I really thought the last 2 times we've gone out I've been more talkative and sharing with him. But, he disagrees I guess.

I ended it by texting that I'm not trying to hide behind the fact I'm an introvert. That I really like him and appreciated if he would be patient with me... that I'm trying and I really do get a lot more talkative. That probably screams low value person I suppose. I think most of his issues right now have nothing to do with me. I'm not going to chase this guy. He clearly did not reply to this text.

Clearly I've got to work on this introvert issue I have frown
Being an introvert is not an issue you need to work on. That is your personality.

What you should work on is not trying to become what someone else wants.
KK, if you value yourself, you won’t try to change to fit in someone else’s box. Be confident in who you are. Being an introvert J’s by no means a flaw. It may not always be compatible with other personality types, or people’s preferences, but it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 11/24/20 03:05 PM
Let me give it to you from his perspective.

You say you’re married and not looking for anything serious. A few dates and you give him full access to the puinani and life for him is good. Now you start pursuing and he is trying to keep you at arms length so he lets know why he’s not willing to give you more. You fix that it will certainly be something else. He probably is also not happy because you are not a woman of your word.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
KK, if you value yourself, you won’t try to change to fit in someone else’s box. Be confident in who you are. Being an introvert J’s by no means a flaw. It may not always be compatible with other personality types, or people’s preferences, but it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you


Thanks... I accept I'm introvert.

I also know that when I know someone over time I'm completely chatty with them. I can also be very chatty at my job... its my job... lol. I know that I can go on a first date and be very chatty so I don't know what my hang up is sometimes. Is it when someone really perks my curiosity that I'm more willing to sit back and be observant, listen and learn about that person???
Originally Posted by LH19
Let me give it to you from his perspective.

You say you’re married and not looking for anything serious. A few dates and you give him full access to the puinani and life for him is good. Now you start pursuing and he is trying to keep you at arms length so he lets know why he’s not willing to give you more. You fix that it will certainly be something else. He probably is also not happy because you are not a woman of your word.


Completely get it...

He says - you don't talk to me ===== this is my reason that I can use that sounds kinder than "I'm not that into you".

Got it. smile
Hey KitCat, I'm an introvert, too! Most people peg me as an extrovert--I lead a large organization, I give public speeches, and people often turn to me to close sales. The day I realized I was an introvert, a customer told me the ink was dry on a sale so and we have a lot in common, would I like to go out for a beer and chill? I liked them, but after 4hrs around other people, all I wanted was to go home and be alone. I need to be alone to recharge--the telltale sign of an introvert. Gatherings wear me out. There's nothing wrong with that. Bill Gates is, as you probably know, an introvert and successful by almost any measure.

Introvert and proud. Explain your needs. Don't apologize for them. Don't try to be what you're not. You are amazing in your own way and if you give it time someone will fall for who you are.

Originally Posted by KitCat
He says - you don't talk to me ===== this is my reason that I can use that sounds kinder than "I'm not that into you".

My current GF laughs that some characteristics I find cute on her I considered problems in others. A prime one is that sometimes she lounges in bed for an extra hour. I use that time to sleep, read, snuggle, or we get intimate. At least two past relationships destabilized when they wanted to stay in bed and I started my day without them. I couldn't see myself "wasting" an hour. Maybe, like the pilot, I wasn't that into them.
KC, sounds like he's the one not talking to you. You text, he doesn't reply. What am I missing here? Honestly it sounds like you're his booty call, probably one of many. When you text asking if something is wrong or whatever, he's very quick to deflect it to you and blame you for not being communicative. When you find the right person, the two of you will COMMUNICATE. You will talk TO EACH OTHER. You'll talk for hours and wonder where the time went. You'll share your thoughts about everything from aliens to the number of planets in the universe to life after death over a bottle of wine without even thinking about sex. You'll feel connected.

QUIT WASTING TIME WITH GUYS THAT JUST WANT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.
Well..... turns out pilot does like me... he just doesn't know what to do with my "quiet"ness I suppose.

But, turns out its also all about SEX... oh well... at least its extremely HOT... I can live with that. smile

S19 is home so spending quality time with him.

Getting to know a few other people. I woke up today to Good Morning text messages from 4 different guys (NO, I'm not sleeping with them all --- I will only sleep with 1 guy at a time otherwise that's just gross). But, clearly at 51 I still got it!!!! And, one of these days my H will wake up and realize that and it will probably be too late. frown

Speaking of H.. he texted... true to form. The longest he can go without contact is 9days... AND, yup 9 days after he was in my office with the puppy he was texting with issue about puppy. I was like 'eh... whatever. I responded because it was about the puppy and only about the puppy. AND, went about my day not giving it a second thought. smile

^^^^ YUP that felt like a win in my book.

I get it - I'm still a hot mess. But, this hot mess is having loads of fun and hot XXX. smile
Hey KitCat, glad you enjoyed your Thanksgiving weekend! Yes, someday your ex-H will probably break-up with his girlfriend and look back at you. Hopefully, by then, you won't want the cheater. C'est la vie!
Call me old fashioned...but if your goal is still to get back with your H and save the marriage, is this any better than what he’s doing?

I only ask because you still say one of these days he’ll wake up and it’ll probably be too late.

Also I’m glad you found your confidence. That’s always a good things. But you’ve been turning on the sex appeal towards your H the entire time. Part 1-25. I don’t think your looks is going to make him “wake up”. But seriously I don’t wanna diminish you finding your confidence. That’s awesome and I’m happy for you. I just wish it didn’t take 4 guys to help you find it. I wish you could have on your own.
Originally Posted by KitCat


I get it - I'm still a hot mess. But, this hot mess is having loads of fun and hot XXX. smile


I think its fair to say you want to get back with H, based on previous posts.

But your admit you are broken. In your own words above.. A mess..

Why would husband or any potential long term partner want a long term relationship with you ? -by your own admission - somebody who is "broken" or "a mess"

Your are putting a lot of effort and focus into sex and looking good, but are skipping a lot of the hard work on yourself - probably becuase its hard work.

Hyperthetical question.. You are dating and sooner or later you might meet a guy you really like.. He also likes you.. Oooh perfect long term relationship material etc..

The bad news is that you are setting yourself up to fail even before it goes anywhere, as once your issues bubble to the surface, the guy will run a mile. Rational and healthy minded guys dont want a relationship with a "Hot mess" long term.

Broken attractions broken..

If you want a healthy relationship with a healthy person, sort your own mental issues out first.
I've poured TONS of work into myself.

I've done lots of soul searching... journaling... I've even dug up issues from my past. Painful things that happened in college (physical abuse from a boyfriend/date rape from a supposed friend) - I left with my doctorate degree and left my closest college friend and the guy I was supposed to marry behind. I never looked back. I've revisited my parents divorce and my dad's subsequent 2 additional divorces. My terrible relationship with my mother that went on for years.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I did it for years. Was a single mom of a special needs child, worked 50hr a week to keep a roof over our heads but never missed the weekly 3hr of appts for my S. Took long lunches to spend more time with him during his waking hours and worked later when was sleeping. Bought my first and second house as a single woman. I know how to be alone. I'm about as strong and independent as they come.

I put myself in working out to get out those hard emotions - it paid off. I'm down 35lb. A sweet guy friend is continuing to push me to get me down to less than my college weight... LOL.

COVID has pushed me to its limit. Being an empty nester has pushed me to my limit. I need to get out. I spend my free time chatting with Alexa... I may break down and get a google home just to increase my circle of friends. All my active groups are now virtual Zoom parties which frankly get sooooo old after a bit.

I'm having fun.

I'm thinking about my H so little these days. I'm also thinking what could he possibly do that would make me even seriously consider fixing my M? There is ONE thing. Its not something I think he's remotely interested in so it will not ever happen. I'm letting my H go. Isn't that what everyone pushed me to do? He isn't coming back - its been 10mo and he has OW.

I'm focusing on me and what makes me happy. I'm not perfect.

I've a trip planned with S19 to see SS20 - who as of yesterday had a massive set back in his own life so I reached out and let him know that his dad, mother or grandparents would take a call from him at anytime... and I reminded him that while it may be an awkward time I'm still here for him. He can call/text anytime day or night and I will be there for him.

I'm not trying to justify my choices.

I listen to everyone who tells me how broken I am... so I listen and say ok - I will embrace the hot mess I am and love myself anyway. To me it feels like a normal part of the journey of finding myself. Who is KK??? I knew who I was in high school, college, after college, as a single mom, as a married woman... but who am I now??? Getting out there and getting a life I'm trying to find out who I really am at this point.
Not much has changed.

I've decided to consciously actively date - though in the year of COVID limited date like options. I like to be active so hiking is good but I also like to go to a winery for live music, comedy club, attempt at rock climbing, etc and those things are NOT happening.

My plans are nearly set for my trip to WA. My SS20 will be there - he is in a very dark place right now. I've gotten some cryptic messages from him. I'm just trying to listen and validate and not pry or push him. I will admit I'm very worried for his mental health. I could call my STBXH but I choose not too. When STBXH was in the office with the puppy over 2wk ago he made it sound like SS20 was having some issues but he failed to put in for his leave for XMAS which is why he wasn't coming home. My SS20 eluded that he has made some bad decisions/done the wrong things and its more like he is too humiliated to come home and face his family... maybe I know more than my H??? I tried to tell SS20 how proud I am of his growth and maturity over the last 3yr and how I respect him. Hopefully, we will have some good connection in a couple of weeks. My heart definitely hurts.

I'm still having load of fun/good times with the pilot though I'm 100% aware I've exchanged one set of problems for another. On the upside I don't think as much about my STBXH. H contacted me about 9days ago about an issue with the puppy - I kept my responses short and limited to puppy. I do not contact him for any reason.

The last time I was with the pilot there was a situation that definitely triggered me... I nearly shut down and walked out. I stayed and things smoothed over but it definitely brought up some of the painful issues with my H that I had really blocked out. I'm also aware that my drive is to be overly needy with this guy --- I've definitely got anxious attachment issues that I need to keep working on. He is very hot and cold in initiating contact. I will not be complaining about the sex though. He made some comment and I even replied "so this is just a booty call situation?". I wasn't angry or accusative... I was really looking for a definition of what "this" is... he said no but I suppose all guys say that in the situation as they don't want to upset the person. So things are just as clear as mud.

My STBXH still does not have an atty as far as I know. I dropped off ALL the paperwork with my atty mid-October and outside of 2 weeks later she confirmed in person she had my paperwork I've heard NOTHING. Its been 3 weeks since STBXH asked about the atty and stuff. I've actually vocalized out loud to a friend that after the holidays I would move the Legal S to file for D... not sure if that is the right decision but I have a few weeks to let that sit for a bit.

So that's where I'm at....
Originally Posted by KitCat
He made some comment and I even replied "so this is just a booty call situation?". I wasn't angry or accusative... I was really looking for a definition of what "this" is... he said no but I suppose all guys say that in the situation as they don't want to upset the person. So things are just as clear as mud.

Hi KitCat,

I agree, to the question, "Is this JUST a boot call?" most would say no.. as most relationships, even ones primarily based on sex, have something else.. even if that's as simple as enjoying chilling or going out. It's your choice to leave things as clear as mud and not ask what you really want to know."I know this is never easy to talk about, but I'm looking for a partner and I'd like to be monogamous with you and stop seeing other people, if you're down." If you don't like their answer, consider moving on.
CW --- I need to then check those out.

At one point there was a random passing comment about who I'm sleeping with or dating, etc. I can't even really remember what his exact words were... at this point I was more than a half way through the wine bottle... and I nonchalantly said I'm not sleeping with anyone else. This was much before I was laughing and stating the booty call comment.

He did give me a bit a hard time because earlier this week I actually asked him what his last name was and he laughed saying I had sex before asking... I said.. truth. He then tried to clarify if this is normal for me at which point I stated definitely not... very outside the norm for me.

Things I have to keep in mind are 1) he did NOT initiate contact with me following our last get together. That's not typically what I'm used to. Typically, the guy does the follow up/pursuing. So is this further indication that this is just a booty call??? However, 2) when I did check in with him briefly 2 days later regarding his dog he immediately texted back an answer about the dog... but then nothing else to keep the convo going... he's been divorced for a long time. Is he just clueless or is it me?

AND - at what point do I bring up the "I'd like to be monogamous"... 8 dates??? 3 months??? I've been off the market for over a decade and frankly I'm used to being the one being pursued.

Thanks for all the insight.
KC, 2 things (I know I said I'd stay away from your sitch, but I can't help but try one more time):

- You wanted to be and to have booty calls, and then are unhappy when that is exactly what you got.
- "I've definitely got anxious attachment issues that I need to keep working on." Great, how are you going to work on this? I see in another post you talk about ALL the work you've done on yourself. And yet you still have anxious attachment issues. I see you heading for another heartbreak with this pilot unless you get yourself into IC to work through all of this. You've mentioned assaults and date rapes.......the best gift you could ever give to your son, and to the next person you have a serious R with, is to get into IC and work through all of this. Until then you will say you want a booty call, then fall for the first guy that comes along with a pulse, from now to the end of your life.
Originally Posted by KitCat
AND - at what point do I bring up the "I'd like to be monogamous"... 8 dates??? 3 months??? I've been off the market for over a decade and frankly I'm used to being the one being pursued.

In my experience, women seeking sexual monogamy usually bring it up before or after the first time they're intimate. With my current GF, I brought it up the morning after the first time we were intimate. Dating monogamy sometimes happened simultaneously, and sometimes happened later (e.g. sometimes I had other partners or dates already setup). I know men/women who wait longer than me for dating monogamy.
Originally Posted by Steve85
KC, 2 things (I know I said I'd stay away from your sitch, but I can't help but try one more time):.


I'll mirror Steve and go on record to say that your healing/working on yourself officially stopped the second you started dating the pilot. You are no longer healing, you simply changed your obsession from your H to the pilot. You've stunted your growth.

You have another BD in your future, Kit. And you did it to yourself.

Best wishes.
Originally Posted by Thornton
Originally Posted by Steve85
KC, 2 things (I know I said I'd stay away from your sitch, but I can't help but try one more time):.


I'll mirror Steve and go on record to say that your healing/working on yourself officially stopped the second you started dating the pilot. You are no longer healing, you simply changed your obsession from your H to the pilot. You've stunted your growth.

You have another BD in your future, Kit. And you did it to yourself.

Best wishes.




Well I openly admitted in my post that - yes, I recognize that I have exchanged one problem for another.

I'm working on it. I'm working on my anxious attachment - I have better days than others. I've long know that my love language is "words of affirmation". I sit and journal if its the words of affirmation I am craving or just simply needing to feel validated.

I've got a higher level of peace than I have had in some time. Mostly because I am not so focused on the STBXH --- and using STBXH instead of H is a HUGE step for me in moving forward. I dealt with how I felt about half of the MBR closet being emptied... do I fill it??? I recognized that 1) I'm not leaving it empty hoping that STBXH returns. I accepted he is NEVER coming back to this house, 2) I don't want to be the sort of woman who fills up an entire MBR closet (mine is huge). I always felt it was silly when a woman claimed the entire walk in closet and the husband got relegated to the small closet in a spare room, and 3) I leave that half of the closet empty in hope... NOT hope that STBXH returns... but FUTURE hope for someone in my future who wants to share a life journey with me.

I'm not against FWB or just a hook up situation --- I think I just need to know what is the definition of this IS. I've long ago stopped assuming period. Frankly its been fun (I don't want to be a nun...). Its just having been off the dating circuit for a very long time. But, given where I am at I'm very much at risk for creating an over attachement --- being aware of this is super important. I need to be mindful. I think CW made a very good point that I'm going to have to be the one to initiate this conversation. Its just never in my life have I had to be one... I'm used to guys that pursue and state what their intentions are.

I agree... maybe I am setting myself up for future BD... I guess right now I've got the mentality of --- I'm working on getting over my STBXH... 10+yr, lots of memories, dramas, damage and disappointment.... I distract myself with a fling and end up getting my heart broke... it was 3months with very little intimacy/connection and won't be as hard to get over as the 10yr committed M. Right or wrong... and I'm sure I'm going to hear how wrong this is... that is my current thought process.

I accept 100% that I'm still a work in progress and that my journey getting through this may not be the absolute correct path... but I'll own it.
You are nothing but a sex partner to the pilot. You two are not dating. You do an activity before you get to the point he’s meeting you, which is sex.

He doesn’t initiate contact. He doesn’t keep a conversation going. He never clarified if you were his only partner. If you were seriously ok with it, you wouldn’t be starting to obsess over if that’s all you are.

You should be focusing on your son who’s obviously hurting and yourself. Take the time you are using to drink and have meaningless sex to focus on you and your son.

Stop using COVID as an excuse. Everyone in the world (literally) is dealing with it. Yeah is stinks, but others are still getting the therapy they need, seeing the doctors they require, and going to dinner, hiking and getting ready for the holidays. Others who have it worse because of COVID are either very sick or have lost their jobs and are potentially facing their unemployment benefits running out.

You owe it to yourself and your son to work on yourself more than taking a moment of reflection, drinking to excess, and having meaningless while pondering if it all means more.

Sorry if this comes off harsh.
Originally Posted by JosephS
You are nothing but a sex partner to the pilot. You two are not dating. You do an activity before you get to the point he’s meeting you, which is sex.

He doesn’t initiate contact. He doesn’t keep a conversation going. He never clarified if you were his only partner. If you were seriously ok with it, you wouldn’t be starting to obsess over if that’s all you are.

You should be focusing on your son who’s obviously hurting and yourself. Take the time you are using to drink and have meaningless sex to focus on you and your son.

Stop using COVID as an excuse. Everyone in the world (literally) is dealing with it. Yeah is stinks, but others are still getting the therapy they need, seeing the doctors they require, and going to dinner, hiking and getting ready for the holidays. Others who have it worse because of COVID are either very sick or have lost their jobs and are potentially facing their unemployment benefits running out.

You owe it to yourself and your son to work on yourself more than taking a moment of reflection, drinking to excess, and having meaningless while pondering if it all means more.

Sorry if this comes off harsh.



Joe - I don't mind the harshness because I can tell you are doing it from a place of compassion and not malice.

I do need to hear these things.

I have been focusing too much on what "this" is with the pilot... I know me... this is me processing the situation. I'm trying to get it out of my head and forcing myself to see it for what it is... NOT MY HUSBAND. I haven't been dating in over a decade and I look at how I met this guy and how things have escalated to what it currently is and all I have for comparison is how it was when I was dating my H. My H made sure I knew that he was interested... It took my H nearly 2mo before I agreed to have a date with him... and he made sure I knew how lucky that made him feel.

Part of dealing with the whole MBR closet was going through a keepsake box which had mementos that belonged to both me and my STBXH. Cards from the kids, cards from each other... the notes tucked in when flowers were delivered... and the one that was from him the date after our very first date.... to let me know how special that night was for him. I also came across some cards older than my STBXH relationship from very special guys who also took the time to show just how special a first date out with me really was... AND, then the realization that THIS guy - the pilot has never done that after a half dozen dates. And, I joke with my male bff - is this just what dating in your 50's is like??? Has life changed that much in the decade I was devoted to my M?

I seriously stated to my male bff that this is me... I'm just asking the same question over and over again expecting the answer to be different. Just know I recognize this behavior that I'm doing.

While I don't write it here I'm spending tons of quality time with my son. Even tonight our conversation went to a place and my kid is like "where is this coming from?" as we sat and laughed. He isn't lacking in any attention from me but he is also 19 and living his own life currently as he should.

I'm also spending loads of time with GAL. At least once a week and sometimes twice I'm up way before the sun and diving to the state park in the next town over... hiking through the woods in the dark for 30min so I time it that I hit the river at sunrise. Its a 3 1/2mil total trek with the dog. The first 45min I've got the ENTIRE place to myself. While maybe not the smartest thing to trek in the woods in the dark, I've been coming to this park for over 3 decades. I've always felt safe here and it is the only place I would ever do this... plus my dog is over 100lb.

I apologize if I'm using Covid as an excuse. We are all in this together. I think, as with many of us on the front lines, this is coming from a place of complete burn out. I was at work yesterday 3hr well past the end of my shift. frown

I think I also came here today to vent because I'm seeing behavior in interactions with the pilot that are a definite turn off... all day... it was about HIM. Sure he answered every single text I sent him very quickly... he was definitely having a rough day... but he was having a rough week last week... he clearly had a stressful issue the last time we were together... and yet again today another event that he was bitching about. I mean I get it. He was dealing with a frustrating situation. Did he inquire anything about me??? NOPE. Did he know that I didn't get home until after 10:30pm last night. NOPE.

I listened to his issue. I validated. That of course allowed him to open up more. I continued to validate. After hearing all the drama he did conclude at the end of the day a really positive thing that happened. I congratulated him and suggested he needed to find a way to celebrate that. He replied what he did (basically nothing) and I just suggested that wasn't very imaginative and surely he could come up with something better. He replied again with possible X activity (something at an old college stomping ground and for background we attended the same college we just didn't know each other then). I said sure if that would make him happy but then I said "or you could take me out to see Christmas lights".

^^^That's a clearly romantic activity and a chance for him to learn more about me (he constantly complains that I don't talk. I get it that I'm quiet but frankly he talks enough for the both of us.) He immediately turned it into a sex situation. That kind of bummed me out. I get it. I completely get it. I set myself up for this. AND, to make matters worse rather that stating "its unfortunate that we can't have a nice sweet night out without this constant undertone" I simply replied "well you get X after all - implying that it was his celebration and if that's what he wanted thats what he should get" So I know full well I'm bringing this whole situation on myself. Its like a long nasty train wreck.

I continue to write it out here knowing full well I'm being 100% judged. Knowing the commentary will draw... that it won't be kind.

I don't think this guy handles stress very well. I don't think he communicates very well. I see this is not a situation I should be in. I get it that I'm stuck. That if I stick it out long enough this situation will be start to be different... but this guy is showing me who he is and for whatever reason I just refuse to see it.

I'm getting it... just slower than most.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/09/20 08:43 AM
KK,

You know when humans suffer the most in life is when they want people to be something that they are not. You really struggle with this and that’s why you suffer. You wanted your STBXH to be a loving faithful husband and he clearly was not and you had a difficult time accepting that and kept trying to change him to be what you wanted. You are doing the same with the pilot. You can’t nice him into being in monogamous relationship with you and care about your day. You either accept him for who he is or you move on. Anything else will cause suffering.
"I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places
Lookin' for love in too many faces
Searchin' their eyes
Lookin' for traces of what I'm dreaming of..."

KC, I think you know what you want in a relationship, and pilot ain't it. He's just using you, and you are worth so much more than that. You don't need a(nother) narcissistic, self-centered a-hole in your life, period. You say you're fine being a booty call, but search your heart and see if that's really true. Because if it were, would you really be asking him to go look at Christmas lights?
Oh KK. You are aware of what you are doing. So why do you keep doing it? Do you like to torture yourself? You put the newer guy of trying to make your STBXH to see you and give you want into someone else who isn’t interested in that either. You know you are doing it. So why don’t you ask yourself WHY you are doing it.

This guy wants to do nothing romantic, just wants sex and only talks about himself. So what exactly aside form the sex is the attraction that makes you want this to be more than what it is? I’m confused.

And I will tell you, even if the guy is interested in a real romantic relationship ( and this guy definitely is not) 6 dates is still too early to define anything. It’s just dating at that point. But your anxious attachment needs it to be more and that will just be too much pressure for someone just trying to date and get to know someone .

Stop torturing yourself. It’s not nice to you
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
"I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places
Lookin' for love in too many faces
Searchin' their eyes
Lookin' for traces of what I'm dreaming of..."



I couldn't help but think of the SNL skit with Eddie Murphy "Buckwheat Sings The Hits" and his rendition of this song! ROFL

If you need a good laugh, anyone, Google that. Too funny.....
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

You know when humans suffer the most in life is when they want people to be something that they are not. You really struggle with this and that’s why you suffer. You wanted your STBXH to be a loving faithful husband and he clearly was not and you had a difficult time accepting that and kept trying to change him to be what you wanted. You are doing the same with the pilot. You can’t nice him into being in monogamous relationship with you and care about your day. You either accept him for who he is or you move on. Anything else will cause suffering.


Yeah... I know this deep down. I've had this discussion with my male bff - that something does happen, ie he initiates, he asks something personal, etc. But then its quickly back to me questioning what's going on here.

At least with my STBXH I have a frame of reference when he was a better man for me and not the version he is currently. You're right though I cannot do anything to create the person my H once was or for that matter expect pilot to be anything other than what he is showing me.

I think what I struggle with the anxious attachment is that I'm internalizing the issue. That's its me and not him. Like, was I/who I am, what I did, who I come off as being a disappointment to the pilot. What is it about me? When deep in my brain I know its HIM and not me.

And, its this whole Polyanna thing I've had my whole life. Expecting everyone and everything is good.

I have to stop contacting him too.... OH MY WORD... now I'm creating my own do not call list... LOL.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/09/20 05:42 PM
KK,

You are being ruled by your emotions in this relationship too. Logically you know it’s not right but your emotions are getting the better of you.
Quote
I continue to write it out here knowing full well I'm being 100% judged.
I have 4 fingers pointing back at me telling me I have more work to do on myself, so maybe make that 99% wink


Originally Posted by KitCat
.. AND, then the realization that THIS guy - the pilot has never done that after a half dozen dates. And, I joke with my male bff - is this just what dating in your 50's is like??? Has life changed that much in the decade I was devoted to my M?
That is how it is with one guy. Other guys will be different. Each woman I dated after D was a different experience. I enjoyed each experience for what it was. I enjoyed each person for who she was. I believe most people do not date enough people, especially at the same time. No need to jump into anything serious. You are free. Enjoy your freedom, it normally doesn't last very long.
Originally Posted by KitCat
[quote=LH19]I think what I struggle with the anxious attachment is that I'm internalizing the issue. That's its me and not him. Like, was I/who I am, what I did, who I come off as being a disappointment to the pilot. What is it about me? When deep in my brain I know its HIM and not me.


This is precisely why you shouldn't be dating right now. Fix you first, then date coming from a place of confidence and not a place of need. That's when you will meet a great guy.
Posted By: job Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/09/20 08:49 PM
KitCat,

I realize that you have been feeling lonely, depressed and out of sorts for quite some time because your h has left and you are attempting to find your footing once again. However, I do agree w/the posters about dating. You need to fix yourself first and that means digging deep into yourself and finding the courage to work on yourself and be happy w/your own company for a bit. Everyone has baggage of some sort, and those of us who were left behind all need to learn to be happy w/ourselves and be happy w/our own company for a bit. Once you are healed from all of the hurt and/or trauma that you have had to deal with, then begin dating. Right now, I think you are looking for someone to help you feel better about yourself and to fill the void of what your h did.

I'd like to point out that by dating right now, you are letting your h off the hook and your actions are saying that you are okay w/what he did because you are doing the same thing.

I do not judge people for what they say or do, but I do worry about posters who are on the roller coaster and attempting to get off of it and then begin dating before they have healed. You do not want to go into another relationship w/o fixing yourself because history could very well repeat itself again.

I absolutely agree 100% w/what Thornton wrote.
Hey KitCat, how's your week going?
This week has been unreal.... for sure.

Had a guy look me up and contact via FB that I went to nursery school with... said he was in town from out of state adn would I like to meet up. Me??? Why the heck not??? Sure. It was decided that the last time we saw each other was 1975... LMAO!!! So we talked about being 5??? It was fun. Up until a few years ago he lived in the area and had actually had contact with my dad back in the day. Sure was odd and funny and *#$&%( if he isn't interested... kept dropping hints about me visiting him.... sooo that was a fun afternoon. :-)

I'm still completely mentally stuck on the pilot. There's sporadic texting... Leave it to me to find the one guy on the planet who doesn't find a Brazilian sexy as F as he was texting me to reconsider (FYI I've been getting full Brazilians for nearly a decade) I teased him that if I was to make such a change that he would need to step up his "efforts" in whatever this was.... and he turned that around by saying - Ha. He completely carries the entire conversation when we are together and "how bout you step up your D" [face palm]... touche' I get it... But, what magic mushroom did I eat??? Because I'm so freaking hooked on this guy.

So last night had another first date with a guy. It was pretty awesome! By far the best first date I've had since Legal S. I'm sure part of it is that I'm finding my groove and getting more comfortable. I will definitely go out with this guy again for sure!!!

There has been light contact with STBXH. Not one word from atty since dropping off paperwork over 2mo ago and emails last week. I've now scheduled appt with her at the end of the month. Part of me is ready to pull the trigger and file for D. I have much less anxiety over D now. But, a huge part of me is still wanting more time... its been10mo now... I'd like another year. The part of me that's ready to file for D 1) will it be a wake up call for my STBXH that I'm moving on??? ---- NO, no it won't be... 2) am I filing for D to get pilots approval for dating him??? ---- that's a stupid reason to push into D. I could push into D and he could just say NOT INTERESTED.

^^^clearly I've got some thinkin' to do...

Tomorrow is the day I leave for Seattle. SS20 has been in contact. Something funny happened and last night he's texting me about help and he did not even bother to text his dad. I'm just glad he thinks I'm important to him. smile
You have an obsession with guys that aren’t that into you. You are determined to change their minds. You basically switched your obsession from your STBXH to the pilot.

Why are you treating yourself with such disrespect? Why are you so determined to get guys who aren’t valuing yoj to value you ?

You would really benefit some IC don’t you think ?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
You have an obsession with guys that aren’t that into you. You are determined to change their minds. You basically switched your obsession from your STBXH to the pilot.

Why are you treating yourself with such disrespect? Why are you so determined to get guys who aren’t valuing yoj to value you ?

You would really benefit some IC don’t you think ?


I am cognitively aware of this... I've been able to block STBXH out of my head 95% of the day... because of this guy. I'm 100% aware its my brain and limerance and what not with this new guy. The sex was great - that's what I'm craving. Its 100% human nature to want what you don't have -- I'm completely logical in understanding the drive. I need to break the habit. Then ultimately I don't want to break the habit.

I'm just putting my truth out there. I do recognize ALL the issues with this. I get what my triggers are.

I'm 100% aware of what a healthier relationship is... I'm working my way toward it.
What is really unhealthy is forgetting about one man, by obsessing about another.
Originally Posted by Steve85
What is really unhealthy is forgetting about one man, by obsessing about another.


Sounds like something a WS would do
You are 100% cognitively aware of what you are doing. I get that. But I can’t see what you are doing to remedy this very unhealthy otters and coping mechanism
[/quote]I am cognitively aware of this... I've been able to block STBXH out of my head 95% of the day... [/quote]

Just wait until you get your heart broken by a new guy, all the pain you think you are healing from with your H will come back 10 fold.
I hit enter too soon....

There are no shortcuts. You can feel the pain from your H cheating/leaving you now. Or you can slap a band aid on it, date around, and feel it later.

Either way, you will feel the pain. Whether that's now, or 3 years from now when your next relationship ends.
Originally Posted by Thornton
[/quote]I am cognitively aware of this... I've been able to block STBXH out of my head 95% of the day...


Just wait until you get your heart broken by a new guy, all the pain you think you are healing from with your H will come back 10 fold.[/quote]

I get that... that's why I'm trying like crazy to not contact this guy. I'm very much aware I'm setting myself up for something stupid. Its just so easy to text and get a response... that's just stupid and keeps me on the hamster wheel.

Maybe I can hit the reset button while I'm in Seattle.
I completely understand that after months and months of agony, there is finally an oasis, a break from the pain. And it becomes addicting because we don't want to feel shitty anymore.

BUT... there truly are no shortcuts. If there were, myself and every other LBS would have found them by now.

It's one thing to have someone hurt you. It's another thing when you willfully hurt yourself.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Leave it to me to find the one guy on the planet who doesn't find a Brazilian sexy as F as he was texting me to reconsider (FYI I've been getting full Brazilians for nearly a decade) I teased him that if I was to make such a change that he would need to step up his "efforts" in whatever this was.... and he turned that around by saying - Ha.


So am I understanding this correctly? He wants you to change your personal grooming habits to suit his tastes, but he laughed at your suggestion that he needed to step up the relationship efforts? Well doesn't he sound like quite the find. He sounds very controlling and manipulative, as if you didn't already have enough red flags surrounding him to consider.

KC, something to consider. Predatory men are drawn to vulnerable women like moths to a flame. Right now you are not attracting relationship material, you're attracting users and abusers. You're not going to attract quality, relationship-ready men until you're in a better place yourself.
Well the trip to Seattle was amazing.... actually stayed in Chelan right on the lake about 3 1/2hr west of Seattle. Due to Covid things were limited but still had an amazing time. I was up before the sun with the geese on lake with the beach completely to myself to watch the sunrise - beautiful!!!

The aerial tour of Rainier and St Helens was lost due to low visibility --- total bummer!!!

Had lunch with my SS20 and was able to make him 2 of his favorite pies at the condo to bring to him. Got together again a couple of days later to throw axes!!! It was good to see him though he suffers deeply from some issues.

During lunch I happened to mention that I heard SS20 dad purchased a forge... then SS20 was like "how much do you talk to my dad"... I just said I saw him when he brought puppy to office and we chatted awhile. I told SS20 we don't hate each other. SS20 replied "oh, so its not like my mom and my dad". We both laughed and I said - no it's not like that. SS20 let it drop that he was on the phone with his dad before meeting us for lunch and he let it slip to to his dad that he was meeting me and S19... apparently his dad was like "oh, what are you going to be doing".

It was a great catch up. SS20 recently lost his fiance' due to his poor choices so he's trying to heal and get his crap together. I was supportive. I told him I was Bumble when he told him he was on Tinder and we giggled. Told him I found someone I really liked and it was going okay. Then both SS20 and S19 wanted to how I met STBXH. Funny, I thought they knew the story??? Anyway told them both we met on Match and again we are all laughing.

I was surprised that STBXH texted and then called me last Monday. Apparently there was a problem with the cell phone bill. He was like - "are you still on vaca?" Uhm... yes. The timeshare sent him my itinerary so he knows I am, but whatever. I apologized as that had to be my error. He was fine with it and told me what he did and I told him I would look into it and get back to him when I was home. I then said "while I have you I want to send you a picture for some help". Basically I had identified every track on the beach except for one. So sent him the pic of tracks in snow that were a little melty. He identified it as otter!!! I was so stoked because it was just 20feet from my door. I was out ever morning before sunrise and early evening but never actually got see him. Anyway he just started opening up about how he was going to be in Seattle next spring and his Pennsylvania bike trip was on hold - I just said oh? He let me know is bff is moving to Seatlle... blah blah blah. I responded with support and not asking questions or probing but ended the convo with stating I was heading up the mountain and to have a great day.

Went about the rest of my week and was surprised again when STBXH texted on Xmas Eve if I had travel plans in March. I do - and he know this because again the timeshare sent him my travel itinerary but I was gracious and just replied I will be X the 5th-12th. He later replied would I take the puppy while he was gone for 3 weeks at the end of March. I replied "would love to"... he answered "ok, great". I did not continue the convo. I get it 1) if he's asking me it means OW is going with him --- I really don't care. 2) I'm saving him several hundred dollars by not paying 3 weeks of boarding --- this dog is WAY to active to be boarded for 3 weeks and I'd rather him be with me so don't really care that he's getting this benefit.

^^^Yup I've been friendzoned by the STBXH.... sigh.

In the meantime I'm still dealing with this stupid dopamine chemical in my brain that keeps me fixated on the pilot. I made it where I can no longer text him.... I don't see him reaching out but that's the only way I can communicate with him... if he does so first.

I have an appt with my atty in 3 days. I will be having her file for D. I hope I'm on the right path.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/27/20 08:51 PM
Lol. You’re too much KK. I thought H would never find out your dating. Sure sounds like it’s going ok with the pilot.

Heal yourself W before you really get yourself into another mess.

Good job on GAL though.
Originally Posted by LH19
Lol. You’re too much KK. I thought H would never find out your dating. Sure sounds like it’s going ok with the pilot.

Heal yourself W before you really get yourself into another mess.

Good job on GAL though.


I'm always happy to be the comic relief... I'll see your hot mess and raise you a walking disaster smile

You know I just don't care. Let him know I'm dating. I've not shelved myself in hopes he comes running back. And, it was never going to work out with pilot. They never do... the first guy you sleep with after a long term relationship. He's just stepping stone toward a new life. Don't go feeling bad for him because he ghosted me... I was happy to be dating him for even FWB. Still my brain is not dealing with the withdraw from this guy.

And, too boot now I'm navigating this friendzone with STBXH... not sure how I feel about that.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/27/20 10:14 PM
You know what KK it’s all part of the journey. I do think you are making some progress. The next thing to work on is eliminating manipulation from your life. It’s not an attractive quality.

Keep moving forward!
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LH19
Lol. You’re too much KK. I thought H would never find out your dating. Sure sounds like it’s going ok with the pilot.

Heal yourself W before you really get yourself into another mess.

Good job on GAL though.


I'm always happy to be the comic relief... I'll see your hot mess and raise you a walking disaster smile

You know I just don't care. Let him know I'm dating. I've not shelved myself in hopes he comes running back. And, it was never going to work out with pilot. They never do... the first guy you sleep with after a long term relationship. He's just stepping stone toward a new life. Don't go feeling bad for him because he ghosted me... I was happy to be dating him for even FWB. Still my brain is not dealing with the withdraw from this guy.

And, too boot now I'm navigating this friendzone with STBXH... not sure how I feel about that.


Wasnt SS20's fiance pregnant?

KC I'm all adviced out for you. So I'll just offer moral support. I do think you're r in a much better place than you were, I just hope you'll try to get to the root of your issues and not just bandaid them!

Merry Christmas and happy New Year.
Steve85 - yes the fiance' was pregnant... she lost the baby back in August. That was the beginning of a downward spiral. Other things have since come out. SS20 is dealing with his poor choices. I've been there to help support him. Show him some resources and getting him to focus on making some long term changes for himself.

Well needed to take care of a business item with STBXH. I asked that he call me when he had uninterrupted time to talk. He agreed to call that night.

A positive note - he called and answered the phone quite friendly. It was not uncommon if he called me to go "yeah" in a harsh tone or "you called" or "what do you want". It was refreshing.

1) He had to contact me last week over an issue with the cell phone bill. He was courteous at the time. Not angry. Not accusatory. Let me know that he took care of it. It was my job when I got back home to figure out what happened and how to move forward. So I talked about the resolution and moving forward. It is all no big deal but we needed to be on the same page.

2) I then said - this will be weird but stick with me. "Do you remember going to TN for our wedding and driving through the foothills and mountains thickly covered with green trees. You looked at me and said you would love to just have a backpack head into them." He replied "yes". If you ever felt I did not accept you for who you were or didn't respect or support you in becoming the best version of yourself, I apologize. STBXH was quiet for a moment and then said. "What brought this up". I replied "A short time ago you texted me stated that you failed me. You pretended to be someone you were not to be with me, but I always knew who you were. I wanted you to know that that I was listening 10yr ago and I still remember that 3 min convo all these years later. I never wanted you to be someone you weren't"

I then quickly segway to

3) You know I have an appt with atty this week. H quickly interjected "oh, your back from Seattle?" Me, yes... and then there was talk about what we did in Seattle and he asked if I went to X, Y, Z, etc. Tried to get back on track to the convo by stating "I wanted to be the one to tell you I'm having the atty file for D. I didn't want you to find out with a notice on your door or in the mail". He just said OK. In my head I know this is what he wants and its time. Sure I was hoping for a Thank You for the heads up/moving on --- but perhaps my telling him I'm filing for D was something he wasn't expecting. Sure, I won't lie there was 10% of me hoping he would say we don't have to go that step just yet. But, I'm not filing to get his attention. I'm filing because if I'm going to be dating I need to be actively pursuing my D.

I then tried to wrap it up. Those were the only things I needed to talk to him about but he kind of kept lingering on the phone. So I just went with "You at work? Boy, you have nothing but OT these days. I know how much you hate OT". He was yawning and clearly exhausted and confirmed how much he hates OT. I said "I know. You were always so tired, stressed out and therefore in a foul angry mood. I just internalized that unhappiness as a personal attack and ended up behaving not so nice to you. i really did try to support you in the best way I knew how but I could have done better"

Then he talked about how he has 7wk of vaca this year... WOW... really? Apparently due to COVID he will have 2 additional weeks next year. He had already asked me to take the puppy for 3 weeks in March and had already stated he was going to Seattle in the spring and his bff was moving there.... so I assumed he was going to Seattle for 3 weeks and asked if he was riding his bike out there. He paused for a second and then clarified he was going to Alaska for 3 weeks. Me - surprised "oh really". He volunteered its a fishing trip. Me - very cool!!! I was dumb enough to ask who was going (facepalm). He stated bff, another guy who he looks up too from the veterans retreat and a couple of other guys. SOOOOOooo sounds like a guys trip. So if OW is not going how am I ending up with the dog for 3 weeks??? Maybe OW is going... who knows. He seems to have this idea she is more outdoorsy than I am I guess. I asked if they were getting a cabin off the grid - he replied yes and I stated how amazing. Then we just talked some basics about the puppy and when he comes to stay with me in March.

I realize I'm not supposed to talk to STBXH this much but its been weeks with little contact. I know it means nothing. My only hope is now that is been almost 11mo my apology is a lot more sincere than right after BD. I'm not so emotional. Have had a decent time to reflect. I suppose that was ME bringing up the R and that's a no no... but whatever. Clearly, I've proven I'm not good at following instructions... LOL.

I'm okay. Overall I think I'm indifferent.

At this exact moment I'm more bummed over the crash and burn with the pilot than the loss of my H so maybe the rebound did its job???

EDIT - for reference STBXH's dream is to live in the Brooks Ridge Mountains for 1 year with nothing but what he carry.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/28/20 05:10 PM
KK,

Ok so here’s the problem. There is nothing wrong chatting it up with your STBXH and being friendly with him if that’s what you want moving forward. The problem lies in that’s what you are communicating to him. Then he thinks your friends and calls you to ask puppy questions etc.

Then you come on here saying he called me about puppy. Why would he do that???????????????????

Do you see where he will end up being confused? He has not problems asking you for favors and treating you like an administrative assistant if you allow it.
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

Ok so here’s the problem. There is nothing wrong chatting it up with your STBXH and being friendly with him if that’s what you want moving forward. The problem lies in that’s what you are communicating to him. Then he thinks your friends and calls you to ask puppy questions etc.

Then you come on here saying he called me about puppy. Why would he do that???????????????????

Do you see where he will end up being confused? He has not problems asking you for favors and treating you like an administrative assistant if you allow it.


I do see that.

When he asked me to watch the puppy, I told him I'd love too. But, I was thinking of it more from the puppy's vantage. Being boarded 3 weeks is hard enough and he is a very active athletic dog at risk of losing his tail. Its not good for him to be in small tight spaces like a boarding kennel. Sure it shouldn't be my job to be concerned about that. But, I am. I agreed more of as a service to the dog than doing my STBXH a favor.

I've accepted that he has friend zoned me. It is what it is.

I'm not looking to actively reach out to him to continue this friendship. But, I realize that any reach out from him is because he believes we are friends. I cannot read anything into it - we are proceeding with the D.
So, did you finally get off your chest what you’ve been wanting to say? That’s it, right ?
ARGGGHHHHH....

What is up with my freaking head???

Why do I turn into such a doormat??? Why do I humiliate myself with chasing something that doesn't want me??? Why am I being friends/texting a married man to boot on top of all of this???

And, why is it that my closest male friend of 40yrs... and I mean we are extremely close... why is that we never make it work??? (((we have this convo every so many years))).

I want off the speeding train and just to visit the circus for awhile.

I wish I was the kind of person who could bury my issues in alcohol.

***NYE is gonna to be a HUGE trigger for me*** Maybe that's why I'm such a hotter mess than usual.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/29/20 03:09 PM
Well since you asked....................

You’re broken KK and you won’t take the time and effort to go to IC and fix your issues. All the work you did with the books isn’t going to stick because you did it to get your STBXH back.

I don’t think you’re a doormat you just want what you can’t have. You’re unavailable for a relationship because your broken so you chase the pilot and the married men because they are unavailable too.

You have to get into IC to fix that but you refuse.

As for your friend my guess is and this is just a guess is when you’re with a man you forget about him and when you don’t you want his full attention.

You have a lot of good qualities KK but until you get the bad ones under control unfortunately you will suffer.
Originally Posted by LH19
You’re broken KK and you won’t take the time and effort to go to IC and fix your issues. All the work you did with the books isn’t going to stick because you did it to get your STBXH back.


Bingo ^^^
Originally Posted by Thornton
Originally Posted by LH19
You’re broken KK and you won’t take the time and effort to go to IC and fix your issues. All the work you did with the books isn’t going to stick because you did it to get your STBXH back.


Bingo ^^^


I get it... But I've given up on getting STBXH back. Still plugging through the books and sometimes I just have to put them down because my mistakes are just too painful to see all at once. I 100% know that I'm not the only one that made mistakes. Accepting that its too late for us is part of the pain that I need to process.

It doesn't help that the puppy had another tail injury today so STBXH is blowing up my phone with text and a long phone call. Its a business call. Like taking care of shared children. We are kind and polite and THIS TIME not only did he finally say thank you... he said it TWICE!!!

Its this WEIRD juxtaposition of how kind we are to one another... AND tomorrow I file for D.

I'm totally okay with it. But the irony is completely there.

And, I'm fully aware that the pilot was a bandage over a bullet hole. I'm just displeased with my seriously questionable behavior with him. I'm just humiliated over it. I probably owe him an apology... but will that just make things worse? Leave it lie or just a simple apology for my behavior and delete his number?

NYE is going to be rough... I let him go out alone. I was exhausted with raising a 10week old puppy. He didn't come home that night until 5am. That's the night he met up with OW for the first time and she started chasing him. I get it... she could not have caught him if he wasn't willing.

I need to get back to meditating every morning.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/29/20 07:27 PM
Oh boy KK. What did you do to the pilot?

As for your husband your keeping the road paver home smoothly. Like you he’s broken too so when things go bad with OW he can run home to you.
Originally Posted by LH19
Oh boy KK. What did you do to the pilot?

As for your husband your keeping the road paver home smoothly. Like you he’s broken too so when things go bad with OW he can run home to you.


UGH.... so here's what a trainwreck I am...

Christmas Eve --- sent the most amazing sexy pics in holiday themed lingerie... they were hot!!! His response was sort of luke warm and then went to - wait your still in Seatlle... that's an interesting item to pack. ((UHM... this was my plan to send you something fun for xmas)) ***Side note... I can't remember if I wrote on here for our last date I showed up to his house only wearing lingerie... yeah his jaw dropped. that was a fun night.

Christmas Day -- I'm traveling and we are texted intermittently. I randomly texted I miss the days of longer connection times so you could actually go to the bar and drink. These days you literally get off one plane, walk to your gate and board your next flight and if you lucky you get a chance to pee. I told him I missed the days of getting liquored up at the airport so the rest of me could be as numb as my arse.... he teased me and said I should have ponied up for first class or vacationed closer to home... I replied I thought about first class but they weren't my ff miles.

AND the downward spiral begins....

Pilot asks who's miles they were.... STBXH... He replies he finds it weird that someone I am divorcing would give me ff miles. I stated - not really... they don't matter to him... that's why he is paying off the timeshare and dumping it on me as he does not want to mess with it. He wants a simpler life.

The next day... STUPID ME says "I won't apologize for my unconventional D. I will still occasionally have lunch with MIL. I will still be in touch with my step kids in whatever capacity they are most comfortable with. STBXH will still bring the puppy to my office (this he already knew) and I will be petsitting the puppy when he is out of town. I'm a delightfully interesting woman with some unique hobbies, lust for life and a love a jazz. Pilot you have my number... next move is yours.

YUP... you guessed it... CRICKETS.

So trying to be funny and sarcastic (which for whatever reason always falls flat for me... why can other people be funny and sassy in text and its a trainwreck for me???))

SO LAST NIGHT I SENT A MEME...
It said "you know what's sexy as h3ll? EFFORT. Effort is f*cking sexy." But, then I added... You're f*cking sexy as h3ll as well so that makes 2 things" ((added emojis with sunglasses))

[facepalm].... NOTHING... DEAD SILENT... CRICKETS.

Yeah, this is humiliating. How many woman show up at his door the way I did??? And, does he think I do that all the time.... UHM... NEVER... I've never done that but that's how much I was digging this guy.

So do I let it fade to grey or do I apologize for my behavior and delete his number?

I've never done something sooo humiliating and I did a lot of begging with my H at BD....
Posted By: pinn Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/29/20 08:03 PM
let it go and delete his number...this one is over. Bright side... lesson learned I guess
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/29/20 08:05 PM
Oh boy. Delete his number and never ever ever contact him again.

You are being your passive aggressive self and trying to be sexy in the same text. NOT SEXY!

Also if he was your boyfriend these would be well received gestures.

Since you’re just a lay to him they come off as trampy.

You just have to have a better feel for where you are in a relationship and stop trying to control people.
Originally Posted by LH19
Oh boy. Delete his number and never ever ever contact him again.

You are being your passive aggressive self and trying to be sexy in the same text. NOT SEXY!



Being passive aggressive was NOT my intent.

I'm such a freaking idiot.

And - I'm truly humiliated and apologetic.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/29/20 08:25 PM
Humiliated yes. Apologetic no.

Never apologize to a womanizer.
Originally Posted by LH19
Humiliated yes. Apologetic no.

Never apologize to a womanizer.


Curiously what makes you say he is a womanizer?
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/29/20 08:33 PM
Based on your description of him. He doesn’t seem to feel bad for using you for sex.
Originally Posted by LH19
Based on your description of him. He doesn’t seem to feel bad for using you for sex.


Hmm... don't really know how he feels.

The only time he ever expressed anything was 1) when he has on more than one occasion mentioned that I don't talk, that he carries the conversation and 2) referred to me as a MILF once but other than that hasn't ever commented on how attractive I am.

I agreed to the sex and clearly I'm showing up in lingerie at his front door... maybe I was using him for sex too??? But, being a woman I just got attached and then behaved badly.
He’s not a womanizer

You had starting beginning your OLD Adventures that you are separated and looking for fun. You said you were clear that you weren’t looking for anything serious. I am not surprised at his reaction at all. He thought he was getting some married woman looking for a fun time. And instead you kind of went a little clingy nutty on him.

When he realized you wanted more, he should have backed out, instead of taking what you were giving him. Maybe that’s his fault. But you claim you were very honest you were just OLD for some friends and a fun time. You got that and you tried to make it more and you are upset that he doesn’t see you as more?

I’m going to blunt. Your reactions were kind of desperate and maybe seen as a little psycho .

Do not apologize. Just drop it . But do yourself a favor and get some professional help. You can’t drown your problems in other men. You can’t drown your problems and sorrows in alcohol. You need to deal with them and get through them in a healthy way like therapy. This isn’t good. Stop treating yourself so awful. Do healthy things for self emotionally. It’s a really tough time right now. Try to take care of yourself in a healthy way
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LH19
Based on your description of him. He doesn’t seem to feel bad for using you for sex.


Hmm... don't really know how he feels.

The only time he ever expressed anything was 1) when he has on more than one occasion mentioned that I don't talk, that he carries the conversation and 2) referred to me as a MILF once but other than that hasn't ever commented on how attractive I am.

I agreed to the sex and clearly I'm showing up in lingerie at his front door... maybe I was using him for sex too??? But, being a woman I just got attached and then behaved badly.


You are using sex hoping it will get him to want you as something more
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25 - 12/29/20 09:20 PM
Plus you advertised as married looking for something casual. You misrepresented yourself. Now he sees you as a stage 3 clinger and has ghosted you.

Move on!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He’s not a womanizer


When he realized you wanted more, he should have backed out, instead of taking what you were giving him. Maybe that’s his fault. But you claim you were very honest you were just OLD for some friends and a fun time. You got that and you tried to make it more and you are upset that he doesn’t see you as more?

I’m going to blunt. Your reactions were kind of desperate and maybe seen as a little psycho .


Oh, I totally see how my reactions are --- I'm NOT proud. Hence why I'm very humiliated... BIG TIME.

He pulled back and told me to get moving on my D... I took that to mean he wasn't going to get serious unless I was D? Who knows... maybe it was an excuse OR unsolicited advice.

WHO KNOWS... too little... too late... I messed this one up.
Originally Posted by Ginger1

You are using sex hoping it will get him to want you as something more


I don't think I knew what I wanted in the beginning.... TBH
Next Thread.... https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2911511&#Post2911511
© DivorceBusting.com