link to previous thread.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2907133&page=11Have been radio silent for 24 hours. I plan to continue. She has reached out several times last night with call me! Urgent!! called 4 times, which I ignored and only responded "is it about the kids?" she did not respond back.
When she does ask me eventually why i started ignoring her my answer will be "im just focusing on me and the kids now" and thats it.
Much better! The "as long as" answer also implied you were still available as Plan B.
I had to ask W today if she can drop the storage key off today she hadn't done it. Then she asked me to make sure I take all my stuff out since she cannot afford 160$ a month for the storage, I replied "don't worry Ill get all my stuff out" She then asked what to do with our daughters custom dollhouse bed and I just replied "I don't have a place for it so its totally up to you." She then asked me "who is watching the kids sunday?" I Said "you are supposed to be since I to work and took a week off for your surgery" (breast reduction) she needs all the sudden lol. She responded "I have to take the kids to my moms, you can pick them up from there" "I just said no problem" that was it. Its business only and Im done trying to help her figure out her new sitch. Its on her.
I had to ask W today if she can drop the storage key off today she hadn't done it. Then she asked me to make sure I take all my stuff out since she cannot afford 160$ a month for the storage, I replied "don't worry Ill get all my stuff out" She then asked what to do with our daughters custom dollhouse bed and I just replied "I don't have a place for it so its totally up to you." She then asked me "who is watching the kids sunday?" I Said "you are supposed to be since I to work and took a week off for your surgery" (breast reduction) she needs all the sudden lol. She responded "I have to take the kids to my moms, you can pick them up from there" "I just said no problem" that was it. Its business only and Im done trying to help her figure out her new sitch. Its on her.
This is definitely a step in the right direction for you Steve_. I would encourage you to continue to try to limit your words.
"I need the storage key."
"I have no room for the doll house."
"All my stuff will be out."
"I have to work Sunday so you'll need to arrange child care."
"No problem" (THIS WAS PERFECT!)
Try to drop all formalities and niceties. "Don't worry". (WHO CARES IF SHE'S WORRIED?) "Its totally up to you." (No need to point that out, just saying you don't have room removes your responsibility for it.)
Like I said, pretty good job here, just a few tweaks to improve it.
When she does ask me eventually why i started ignoring her my answer will be "im just focusing on me and the kids now" and thats it.
I wouldn't worry so much about how you will answer her questions. Frankly, I see LBH's explaining themselves way too much. She KNOWS that you SHOULD ignore her, the way she has treated you. But she's use to you being available, talking & explaining about every little thing......as if that's going to change how she feels (it doesn't), and she is used to getting her way. In this current sitch, she is not your marriage partner and you are not
obligated to respond to everything. In fact, a knowing look (like, seriously?) says it all.
Don't get hung up on her b.s. Like, telling you she wasn't going to take the kids to spend the night with him there,
until she was ready. That is pure WW b.s. Your pain was directed to what she previously threw out there, but you have to remember this is not the girl you married, and currently, she's not the same mother, b/c she is exposing her children to her sexual relationship with OM. So, she was ready. Actually, WW's who are in the thick of an A and busting up the family, will throw some fake statements around in the air, trying to sound like a "good" mother concerned for her babies. Hog wash! She is concerned for nobody more than herself. She may fight you tooth & nail for the kids, but it's not b/c she's this wonder
mother.........it's for a couple of reasons. #1 She wants the control, and #2 she doesn't want other people talking about her being a "bad mother". Ironic, right? I'm not saying she no longer loves her children, but I am saying her priority is to feed her own selfish desires, which OM is supplying at this point. This board has seen too many WW cast aside their children's best interest, in favor of being with her affair partner.
Good job on 24 hrs of radio silence! Now, here's a challenge. When you feel a strong desire to contact her regarding something about the kids........ask yourself just how important is it that you must speak to her right that minute. There is a boat load of LBH's using the excuse of "business or kid related" to contact with their WW. I think the LBH goes through his own brand of withdrawals when he tries to stick to NC.
There is a google calendar that some separated/divorced parents share that shows the schedules, doctor appointment, activities, vacations, holidays, etc., related to the kids. That should reduce some of the back & forth texting/calls.
Hi Steve_,
I'm impressed. Keep up the good work! For awhile, every day may be a fight to slow down communication and not come up with excuses for more words or physical contact.
don't worry Ill get all my stuff out
I agree with Steve that even fewer words are possible. It seems like you're trying to soothe her here, to control how she feels. I don't see any problem with a "please" or "thanks" when applicable.
She never left the storage key. She called last night face timed my son upset because I haven’t called him. I can’t while he is there I just don’t want to see OM. I told him he can call me anytime he wants I will always be here told him I love him and I miss him. I think WW was crying as well. Once we were done she turned to phone towards her and I just hung up. I didn’t ask about the storage key today. I’m not in a huge rush to move out with the in laws they love me and she is never around anymore anyways. Right now I’m standing in my new apartment reality sinking in that she is in love with OM limerance probably. And it will be a long time before anything changes. The best thing I can do is let her live her life. Stay out of it. Keep my mouth closed and so what I need to do. That’s what I’ve been doing a few days now and that’s what I’ll continue to do. Only LRT from here on out. Radio silence and just being quiet.
I found a little bright side my rent was 1120 this month instead of 1425 so I’m buying a little dining table today for 90$ I have to move forward now. It just really hurts and I feel so alone and betrayed and just broken. But I won’t talk to her. I can’t. There is nothing left to say. She’s living the good life and I’m here now. And that was her choice so she is not even my friend anymore. I was not Christ I made mistakes but i was a good man, she’s even said that. She will regret this one day I know it. Sometimes thinking about that helps. But I’ve abandoned hope. I think when i was in Iraq I planned on probably dying and that’s why I could do the things I needed to do to survive. I think I need to apply that here too. Just plan on it being the end. It probably is anyways. Then I will survive.
She never left the storage key. She called last night face timed my son upset because I haven’t called him. I can’t while he is there I just don’t want to see OM. I told him he can call me anytime he wants I will always be here told him I love him and I miss him. I think WW was crying as well. Once we were done she turned to phone towards her and I just hung up. I didn’t ask about the storage key today. I’m not in a huge rush to move out with the in laws they love me and she is never around anymore anyways. Right now I’m standing in my new apartment reality sinking in that she is in love with OM limerance probably. And it will be a long time before anything changes. The best thing I can do is let her live her life. Stay out of it. Keep my mouth closed and so what I need to do. That’s what I’ve been doing a few days now and that’s what I’ll continue to do. Only LRT from here on out. Radio silence and just being quiet.
I found a little bright side my rent was 1120 this month instead of 1425 so I’m buying a little dining table today for 90$ I have to move forward now. It just really hurts and I feel so alone and betrayed and just broken. But I won’t talk to her. I can’t. There is nothing left to say. She’s living the good life and I’m here now. And that was her choice so she is not even my friend anymore. I was not Christ I made mistakes but i was a good man, she’s even said that. She will regret this one day I know it. Sometimes thinking about that helps. But I’ve abandoned hope. I think when i was in Iraq I planned on probably dying and that’s why I could do the things I needed to do to survive. I think I need to apply that here too. Just plan on it being the end. It probably is anyways. Then I will survive.
Funny ho wyou say you feel alone and broken. As I embraced the idea of a life post my MR, I actually started to feel excited and hopeful! Steve_, you have been alone and broken IN your marriage for so long, can you really feel anymore alone and broken after it?
It’s the co-dependency, my unhealthy attachment to her that’s doing it. I know it but knowing is half the battle.
Not seeing my kids [censored]. Been with then every single day since they were born. I thought my daughter would be the first to break down it was actually my son. Imagining a life that does not include the life partner I thought I would have is tough. I still hurt thinking about her with him, being happy and care-free while the rest of us suffer. I know she is hurting in ways as well unsure and just pushing on with her choices too. It’s a disconnection between us, things were not always good but we were close. As I write that I am realizing that is in my mind only. She left me cause we weren’t close In her mind. They say the stages of grief flip for the dumper and the dumpee. I just kept resetting myself with false hopes this would turn out okay. After reading so many sitches I know it will never turn out the way I want. But that’s ok. I won’t backslide I won’t reach out. It’s just tough. I know I’ll get there.
My DB and DR books come today. I’m looking forward to them.
I’m gonna go to wal-Mart and get a couple T-shirts. I am no longer a XXL I’m just XL and shrinking lol. I’ve now lost 46 pounds.
She called last night face timed my son upset because I haven’t called him. I can’t while he is there I just don’t want to see OM.
I'm not sure if you meant she or he was upset. Validation techniques can be used on your children, too!
I told him he can call me anytime he wants I will always be here told him I love him and I miss him.
Good stuff. In my agreement, the kids may have contact with either parent anytime. On the flip-side, the parents don't have the right to talk to the kids anytime, although I can't recall blocking access.
Hey Steve,
Just wanted you to know I really struggled with codependency as well. I could not let my ex go, even after several separations/"recons".
I've been single and living by myself for over a year now. At first I really struggled with being alone with my torturous thoughts and ruminating about how she could do this again, and what was so wrong with me that she just couldn't stay? No contact was my saving grace!
Now that I've detached and moved on - I can see clearly now. And I finally feel free. And you can feel free too after you have processed your thoughts, and pain.
Trust me when I say I have been where you are. And it gets MUCH better as the days pass.
Keep posting here and investing in yourself, not to get your W back, but to get YOU back.
You can do this!
She gave me the wrong key for the storage, i used a couple wrenches to get in lol. Got my stuff out and moved it to the new apartment. My sister offered to get me a bed frame and I got a mattress on amazon. I got a little dining table and things are starting to come together. Its definately sad being in the new place alone. Her making me leave arizona, taking all our stuff, OM enjoying my new furniature and my king size bed sleeping next to my W. I think about that a lot. Everything she said leading up to OM BD was BS. They must have really caught some feelings to do this to everyone. She shows little signs of remorse. I think about that when I want to contact her. How sick this all is. And im proud that I validated and made it easy on her. I did everything right for a WaW until i found out she was a WW. It took me 3-4 days to accept it and I made a few mistakes, the hugging her and talking a bit too much, but after that first dropping off of my kids it broke my heart. So now im in radio silence and LRT, I feel like I have made some mistakes for sure but I did the best I could.
Yesterday when she asked about what remained in the storage I answered with "yes, no, yep" nothing more than that. She sent me a picture of her finger looking to be broken. said "I think I broke my finger" I said "yep probably" it was clearly broken. She left the kids with her mom and I stayed with them. My kids told me OM's kids have been there too rooming up with them. her and OM taking turns sleeping in our bed /couch in front of the kids. This has all been part of their plan to ease the children into it. She never was deciding on staying with OM. After all she has done to be with him it should have been clear to me a long time ago. She asked "how is your apartment" I did not respond. She then asked me if I got my daughters matress out, I said "if you leave the correct key I will get it when I get a bed for them" and that was the last thing I said. She continues to try to friend zone me, get me talking more. I probably still talk a little to much but before I would have went on and on. Now its very short and ONLY when I have to talk. I was relieved I didnt have to see her last night. I havent seen her since Tuesday and its been good. I don't like seeing her or talking to her. What she has done is disgusting and terrible and as much as I miss her and wish it was different reality tells me to keep doing what im doing and detach and GAL, I have to participate in my own rescue. Being independant makes me feel strong, she couldnt leave me without OM but I can live without anyone. I like that.
Ive made a few small steps to my goals, baby steps and thought of some new goals.
Spent time with friends.
Set up an Acorns account to start saving a little. 5$ a week and change round up. ( I needed to do it).
Put some of my military decor in my new place, got a few things on the wall.
Have not reached out to her unless I had to and its been very minimal.
my next goals are to get through the holidays I am working both thanksgiving and xmas to be sure im not alone.
get in the best shape of my life, halfway there.
make my kids as comfortable and happy as I can.
Do not talk to my WW.
Stay single for at least 6 months, focus on myself and kids, dont try to use another to cover the pain up. (never works).
Yesterday when she asked about what remained in the storage I answered with "yes, no, yep" nothing more than that.
Nice! Short, to-the-point answers. Since you were the one removing things, it was presumably much, much easier for you to tell her what you took and what remained, than for her to check herself.
She sent me a picture of her finger looking to be broken. said "I think I broke my finger" I said "yep probably" it was clearly broken.
That's an informational message. No reply needed, of course. During my split-up last winter, I'd get occasional pics of things great and terrible happening in her life. When we reconnected in spring, she told me how much she'd missed being acknowledged when she got bad medical results or a new car. Less talk-talky leaves more for her to miss. Less talky-talky helps your detachment.
"how is your apartment" I did not respond.
Nice! This is not a logistical question.
She then asked me if I got my daughters matress out, I said "if you leave the correct key I will get it when I get a bed for them" and that was the last thing I said.
Great--again, logistical and to the point.
She continues to try to friend zone me, get me talking more.
Steve, I don't think she's trying to friend-zone you, more keep you on the hook as Plan B and a resource she can use. Compare her behaviors to those of a true friend. I don't believe they match up!
Steve, after I BD'd my ex-wife and moved out with my kids, I tried to "Wow!" my kids with how nicely I setup their new bedrooms and places to play. It was an adventure! Two homes, two bedrooms, two sets of toys, two celebrations for many holidays.. of course, everything wasn't all rosy, but I think it helped. Consider what you could do, thinking like a child, to make your new apartment a particularly fun place to hang out!
I definately will do that. My kids get put in rooms and put on ipads/alexa show/ tv by mom. I actually plan to not do a ton to the apartment but get them out and doing stuff outside as much as I can. Science projects, making stuff, things like that that unplug them. I love to go fishing and other outdoor things and so do they. That will be my focus. Ill try to make the room for them as fun as I can.
I will shell out an extra 40$ for the tv shows they like too for cable. I know i wont watch much tv but when its bad weather and so on they love the nick jr and things like that and I want them to be able to have the things they like as much as I can.
On a side note her mom said the kids were being bad. Already 5 kids seems like a lot for her LOL.... saw that comin. I manage my two with pretty much zero difficulty because I always treated them as kids not buddies, im just wating for the incoming meltdown and I'm going to sit back and smile and do nothing about it.
I put up some stuff on my walls tonight. She texted me about stupid stuff and attempted to ask about the apartment, how it’s going, etc.. I just said I’ll be alright, see you tomorrow. (For the kids pick up, etc). She tested hard to see if I would break down. Left me like 5 opportunities to cave and cry and etc. I see them. But boy is it hard to resist that urge to tell her how much she is hurting you, how wrong this is, how much you love her. I didn’t do that. I kept it 100% business, short and I ended the conversation she tried to have. I feel cold and mean, but I also feel okay with that because she left me for another man. And I said nothing cold or mean just yes, no, okay, small explanation for this item, etc. business only. Boy did I want to pour my heart out unpacking my Office box with our wedding photos. I didn’t. I thought about OM, her and my kids there. And all the lies she said. Helped me to not contact to not go into R talk or feelings. I kept it business and short as possible. Avoided telling her anything about my apartment or my life the second attempt. I stayed stong. But man I’m glad she isn’t here to see me breaking down unpacking. I am 10000% stronger with her not around. Tomorrow I gotta swap kids. I’ll just try to be fast, short, seem happy. And move forward. I can’t evade her forever. So I will update how that goes. But on my end a mess. Between us I’m silent, to the point, done.
I have to say, it feels horribly wrong to not fight for her. To just let her walk away. And i know that is why I’m doing something right. I’ve been sticking to it. Being strong. All I want to say is how much i miss her and love her etc but I don’t. I fight it. I keep it like she is not even my friend but just a person I deal with nuetrally. It seems so wrong but I know that is why it’s the right thing. What i did so far didn’t work. And eventually I’ll find someone to really love me. It’s hard to let her go but I’m doing it. I’m proud of myself for not fighting for someone who just threw me away. I fight all my instincts. And it’s so hard but I know I have to. I should hate her but I can’t. I know loving her won’t work either. So I just stay quiet. And keep the hope to a minimum. Try to accept this is probably the end. And let it be that way. I have done really good for DBing in the last week. No anger no extra texting. Just short, simple. Business. It’s so hard but I know the LTR will either get her back or get me back and I’m betting on me. Just hard to face it but I will. And push on.
Monday about 6 of my friends are coming to my new place. Several just to come and decorate, give me dishes and so on. One is beautiful, obviously interested, been hurt the way I been hurt. She’s probably perfect for me, we even have the same birthday. 100 things In common. And I wont go there, not even close to being the man who hurts a good person cause I’m messed up. I take a little pride in that. I just need to be alone and get healthy, even if she’s beautiful, trying and there for me. Can’t do it, I need to work on me, still much work to do.
Steve,
How’s is your pursuit of help with the VA going? I can sense from your last few posts you are getting the itch to date again. Steve you really need to fix yourself and I think it may take years. You are mistaking your codependency with love. Your brain thinks you need your W to survive and is trying to get you to pursue her to keep you alive. You have to work with a professional to rewire your brain so that is not the case.
I’m really sorry your struggling and I know you’re really hurting.
The VA takes forever. Got a referral in the works though. Following up Monday with it.
I’m not in an itch to date. Definitely not even close. I would just hurt some person because I know it would be empty and not the same. I’m not there yet. It will take me probably 6 months to be alone before I can feel okay to do that. It’s just that all my coworkers keep suggesting I “talk” to her and so on. Right now, I still love my wife, that’s gonna take some time to die off.
The hardest thing I fight is to tell her how much I’m hurting, how wrong this all is, how her choices will make my and the kids life very hard and different now and how much I miss her. I know in my mind saying any of that won’t work. So I don’t say it. But it’s really hard to go through it and have her right there to say something to and just keep your mouth shut like it doesn’t bother you. Probably the hardest thing I ever did but I’m doing it.
Steve,
Not gonna lie. IMO you will need minimum of two years to get healthy.
She knows your hurting and doesn’t care. She views that as you being selfish that she should sacrifice her happiness for you.
My kids get put in rooms and put on ipads/alexa show/ tv by mom. I actually plan to not do a ton to the apartment but get them out and doing stuff outside as much as I can. Science projects, making stuff, things like that that unplug them. I love to go fishing and other outdoor things and so do they. That will be my focus. Ill try to make the room for them as fun as I can.
Awesome! I'm a big proponent of getting out and doing things with the kids: playground, nature hikes, mini-golf...whatever. They'll enjoy it more than just sitting on the couch watching the 50th YouTube video of the day, and you'll have QUALITY time with them making memories together for the future.
I’m sure you right as usual LH. I garuntee she thinks coming back to me means no happiness for her. Just selfish for me. That’s exactly why I say nothing to guilt her. It would only confirm her justifications. But I am in zero hurry to be with someone else. I’m not that kind of guy.
No contact is the hardest thing ive done. Your mind wants to reach out and say anything, something, just to see if they are still there. Its seperation anxiety, jealousy of thier "happiness" without you, pain and hurt. I hope other LBS can benefit from my experience. I truly feel how hard it is. Its so hard to stay strong when you feel like its so wrong not to talk to them and tell them A-Z. Feels like your abandoning them and like your being "mean" or whatever, but the truth is the WW had a litany of other things she could have done than leave you for OM. I try to think about that when I struggle with no contact/ business only contact. Seeing her tonight will break my heart I know it. But I will try to get it over fast, with dignity and no hugs, no chatting just pick up kids and go. Ill let you guys know how that works out.
I watch a video posted on youtube under the Affair Recovery Channel. Its from a guy named Samuel who cheated on his wife and he explains how the wife trying to love him pushed him farther away. It was when the wife accepted it, drew boundaries and respected herself that he realized he didnt want to lose her. The video is called "Stop trying to make them love you" I watch it often when I want to reach out, it helps.
Google: YouTube datingguy no contact
Then just listen. It will ease your anxiety.
Steve, not sure about you but I dated a lot of girls before I was married. Nothing repulsed me more than a girl constantly contacting me that I just wasn't into. If you ever experienced then you know that's the last thing you want her to experience about you.
Yeah I never reach out to her anymore. Its been that way for a week now pretty much a couple days after OM drop I stopped all contact and have kept it only to what I have to. She's asked several times about my apartment, I ignore it every time. And end the conversation (always via text) I don't answer her phone calls so she doesn't even try anymore. Essentially last week when she seemed like she was deciding who to pick and playing that game I told her as long as she was with him don't communicate with me unless its about kids or an emergency/necessary. She has stuck to that from then on but tries to sneak in a chatty subject. I dismiss it and ignore it.
Steve, whilst still doing it tough, sounds like you’re handling things a lot better, well done mate. Just remember:
- you’ll be ok no matter what happens
- this will take a while to play out
- listen to the vets
Stay strong
W texted me call me "we need to talk" I said why?... She accused me of telling her family she took everything and that's why I haven't moved out yet. (what actually happened is that they asked when im moving out and I told them I have to get a bed, bunk bed, some other things, I have nothing but a TV and couch she took the rest but she is paying the bills for it). She started to get ugly so I called 2 hours later and told her "hey whats going on, why are you getting angry. I told her I let them know she is paying for it and that im working on getting a few things before taking the kids over. She said okay, She then got mad that the nurses at work wanted to give me "hand me downs" on towels and silverware and so on and began crying saying "I don't want my kids to be poor" "I just said, this is the way things are now. My income is going to be 1000-1200 a month to live off after all bills, but my mom offered to get pots and pans and so forth so the kids will have new stuff,I told my friends thankyou but my mom is getting stuff, I would also prefer them to have new silverware and bed and im working on it" she continued to get upset and said "Just talk to me if you need something, just call me, I can get you guys food, we can go inside the store when you meet to pick them up and get groceries" I told her "no thankyou, im not interested in shopping with you right now, I can get the kids food" she got upset and said "you can just take my card inside and Ill wait" I said again "no thanks, I can get them food its fine" She asked me to call her and talk to her if I need something for the kids I said "I cannot call you, I cannot talk to you, Im sorry but we are not going to be friends, I wont be part of your life at all while your with OM, ive always been a great dad you know that and the kids are going to be okay I wont let them get hand me down silverware or beds it will be fine, I will be fine, I got this, I have to go back to work and just hung up." Later she texted me asking me to watch the kids an extra day because she had work I responded "of course" and she asked me if I was taking the kids to my apartment or to her moms I said "moms", sent her my December schedule which is modified to not include any of her days off with the kids so there will be no more scheduling issues and by the first ill be 100% living there with the kids. I probably talked a bit to much here, but I wont be blamed for her guilt and reality creeping in. Ive done my best and im sticking to my guns now, I want to be in her new life as little as possible from now on.
Picked up the kids from her. She asked if she can help me out I said “no thanks”. She said “tell me what you need I want to help,” I said “I’m good.”She asked if we can go to lunch sometime I said “no”. I backed away from her and she walked up and hugged me, smelled my cologne and said “I don’t know you wear that”. I just smirked and left. That was it.
Less talk more action.
I want you to go on youtube and learn how to do an about face so that the next time she comes in for a hug you know what to do.
That was a scheming move by her and you have to put the clamps on that crap.
Hope you're doing well and taking care of yourself Steve.
Your right I backed away and she was like “oh c’mon” and came towards me. I didn’t want to be a jerk but I didn’t like it. I don’t want to touch her. She’s a piece of crap.she told me she’s sleeping on the couch, my son told me he got up at night and looked for her and she was in bed with OM. F her. She doesn’t deserve me. Next time she comes in for a hug I’m just gonna walk away. I don’t even care. Her words are all BS. I’m just glad I didn’t hug her this time I backed up kept it like 1 syllable responses and left. She did the work to hug me and etc.. I did nothing and yes it happened but I’m proud it wasn’t on me. But for sure I’m not letting it happen again. She’s such a lying ass manipulator. She is scum. Even if I did make mistakes I did nothing close to this. I’m better than this.
Steve, I completely understand how much anger you must feel.
You are doing much better Steve.
Conversations could be shorter still.
I see and understand your anger. Use it to move in YOUR direction.
"I dont want them to be poor." The brain on that woman. Is there one?
Next time tell her your kids WILL be rich. They'll be rich with love.
Great you said no to her (OMs?) money and help!
Steve,
its great that you are making such progress.. You try and control the anger.. Its not positive or good for your state of mind.. Just try and remain indifferent - think check out clerk at the store..
Also curious - The LBS rose tinted glasses have finally dropped - thats brilliant, as its takes some LBS years ! and you are making great progress. But if WW ended it with other man and wanted you back tomorrow, would you consider it ?
I can't see you referening that on yours posts?
If my W would do the things I would need from her to make this right yes I would try to recon. But, she won’t, it would be hard to admit what she’s done, it would be hard to commit to being a better woman and she’s shown I’m not worth effort to keep, so I’d say recon is not likely at all. I made this realization a couple days ago. That’s why I was able to drop the pick me dance and see it for what it is. Disgusting.
With all due resect Steve, your WW is a serial cheater.
This isnt a silly WW losing her way for 6 months.
I believe she will come crawling back to you at some point.
And if you let her back into your life ( even if she agreed to terms at the time ), its only a matter of time before it went full circle again - She is broken - she is a serial cheater.
You just need to decide if you want to set yourself back by accepting her, or making the most of this oppertunity you have been offered.
I believe she will come crawling back to you at some point.
And if you let her back into your life ( even if she agreed to terms at the time ), its only a matter of time before it went full circle again - She is broken - she is a serial cheater.
^^^This
Yep. Cant change a leopards spots I guess, I’m not even worried about her anymore, she disgusts me. She called me last night, texted me, told me to call her. I didn’t.
Her mom told me this morning T is trying to call you, why don’t you answer? I just said oh I didn’t know.
I messaged her and said this:
You told me the last lie, our kids saw you. Stop calling me, texting me, don’t even waste your time. Unless it’s about the kids custody or a medical emergency I will not respond.
She has zero reason to reach out. She has been daily and just not getting the hint. Tired of it. I will not be her buddy while she F’s some other dude.
Yep. Cant change a leopards spots I guess, I’m not even worried about her anymore, she disgusts me. She called me last night, texted me, told me to call her. I didn’t.
Nice job, Steve!
My December schedule came out. Sent it to her. She responded right away “wow your working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years?”
I responded “I’m not trying to be around you or your new family, I’ll see the kids when I can”
She replied “lol rude”
I replied “sorry you feel that way”
She responded “ok”.
Glad the holidays are out of the way. Even less reason for her to come up with anything. She got the schedule wayyyy in advance. I’m shooting to detach 100% by the end of the month. I’m trying hard.
Ovrrnbw, I watched that vid, dating guy no contact was really great. Thanks!
And thanks LH
Feels tough, feels wrong, that’s why I know it’s right.
You are really doing the work! It’s paying off.
Keep reading and learning!
A great book Mentioned in another thread today is intimacy and desire.
Also, Re read threads on cadets welcome post. They are so great and where you are at they are easy to put aside as “I know it already “. But speaking from experience I can tell you that you don’t.
The dating guy video was my tip
Oh sorry haha thanks!
I will look over those threads tonight.
I’m gonna read NMMNG again. Same with 3% man 6 more times. And DB and DR. I will spend my alone time in my apt doing that. And hopefully the fitness center opens and I can start on that. For now it’s push ups and walking.
I kept hearing you guys beat me down lovingly about respect being the number one thing to address. So I hit it hard, yes she might not come back, but she will respect me from now on and I sure as hell feel better respecting myself. Cant fix anything until you have that foundation no matter what happens.
Steve
I was being facetious about your passive aggressive text. That’s a setback.
Let me ask you a question. You have read 3% man six times. From the six times you read it what part talks about pining away for a six time cheater?
Again, I’m not saying this is easy. You can read the book a thousand times and there is nothing you can learn that will change her. Until you get that I am afraid you are going to suffer immensely.
Hello Mr. Nice Guy!
It's been tough, but you'll make it, and I can hardly wait to see the new Steve standing tall with self respect. You seem to be getting it, about the respect factor. Commanding respect is the approach you must have with a WW.
I want to talk about that long conversation with her. Whenever she says, "We need to talk", or ask if you'll meet her to talk.........run for the hills! Everything that comes out of this WW's mouth is a test!!! Don't be a sucker, Steve. Her aim is to get a reaction from you. Even a bad reaction is better than no reaction at all.......in the WW's way of thinking. That entire conversation was her getting your attention.
She accused me of telling her family she took everything and that's why I haven't moved out yet. (what actually happened is that they asked when im moving out and I told them I have to get a bed, bunk bed, some other things, I have nothing but a TV and couch she took the rest but she is paying the bills for it).
She
accused you..........and you rose to the occasion to defend yourself. As usual, for most LBH's they don't know when to shut up, and they keep on
explaining themselves.
She said okay, She then got mad that the nurses at work wanted to give me "hand me downs" on towels and silverware and so on and began crying
Why didn't you abruptly end the call and say, "I've got to go". It is no longer your job, or your place, to comfort her. You've been fired, remember? Let me tell you something, this is when the LBH has to apply tough love..........b/c it is necessary for the WW to experience loss, especially when it comes to her H. She has to feel she has lost your interest, your emotional attachment, your friendship, and everything you previously provided. You can't play the role of her counselor, protector, or BFF while she whines about her life! She's experiencing results that came from her bad choices, and that's exactly what needs to happen.
I just said, this is the way things are now.
And then you went on & on & on.
She asked me to call her and talk to her if I need something for the kids I said "I cannot call you, I cannot talk to you, Im sorry but we are not going to be friends, I wont be part of your life at all while your with OM, ive always been a great dad you know that and the kids are going to be okay I wont let them get hand me down silverware or beds it will be fine, I will be fine, I got this, I have to go back to work and just hung up."
She proved you wrong, Steve. You
are being her friend. When you engage in her melt downs, you
are being part of her life. When you assure her that the kids won't have to wear hand-me-downs, you are giving in to her emotional pity-party. Did you stop to consider she might need to worry about these things, b/c she chose to tear apart her family? Now that daddy promises to supply new clothes, she can spend her money on other things. It's not that you said anything terribly wrong. It's the fact you can't keep your yap shut. Once it opens, it doesn't stop. It's the fact she got a reaction from you! She didn't care what you were saying. She knows she still has you emotionally attached. That's what WW's do!
For any newcomer LBH who might read this post, please understand you don't impress a WW by
explaining yourself. On the other hand, giving no response/reaction to her contacts is powerful. Every time she initiates contact, it's a test.
Oh, and let's not forget how the WW will set you up for a favor. She had this little angry crying session, and then she asks for a favor. She'll text one thing, and when you respond, she'll always have something else to add......trying to keep you engaged.
Later she texted me asking me to watch the kids an extra day because she had work I responded "of course" and she asked me if I was taking the kids to my apartment or to her moms
See?
I probably talked a bit to much here, but I wont be blamed for her guilt and reality creeping in. Ive done my best and im sticking to my guns now, I want to be in her new life as little as possible from now on.
I know it's hard not to defend yourself, but this isn't why she contacted you. When you read over that conversation, she goes from one subject to another........to keep you engaged.
I'm going to say this again, b/c I want you to really understand. The responses, other than being too long, were pretty good. The goal I want to challenge you is to remember what she's after. She wants you to respond to her, and she'll use whatever means to get it. That's how she keep you emotionally attached. That's how she keeps you available.
You can see no logic in her, b/c she strictly operates from emotions. Her emotions are very fickle.
Steve, you are going to make it. This wayward wife business is not for sissies! I applaud you for hanging with us, and taking the 2x4's to learn. It's not easy to see our sitch, our spouse, objectively. Don't let this post discourage you. It's meant to help you see from someone who was on the other side of the street. (((hugs)))
I got ya. Not upset. Guess I thought I was doing better than I was lol.
I sent her a text with the gate key code she has to call it and I have to let her in so she knows how to drop the kids.
She sent a text “can I get a house key too?” With a laughing face.
Not even going to respond to that at all.
My December schedule came out. Sent it to her. She responded right away “wow your working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years?”
I responded “I’m not trying to be around you or your new family, I’ll see the kids when I can”
She replied “lol rude”
I replied “sorry you feel that way”
She responded “ok”.
Glad the holidays are out of the way. Even less reason for her to come up with anything. She got the schedule wayyyy in advance. I’m shooting to detach 100% by the end of the month. I’m trying hard.
Oooh, nope. You decided to work all holidays and not be with your kids because you don’t want to be around her “and her new family” that’s not coming from a place of strength. I am a nurse too. And my ex and I have a holiday custody schedule. I chose to work on the holidays I don’t have her. In 13 years, we never once spent the holidays as a family.
Be a strong man and come up with a custody schedule that allows you to take your fair turn. Don’t sound like the dad who avoids spending the holidays with his kids to avoid spending them with her.
I know it’s hard, but much less talky talky
I got a schedule but Xmas and the holidays fall on her days. I defiantly shouldn’t have said that. I see that now. I was pissed off because she lied about exposing the kids to this. Because she lied and tell them that they are friends and sneaks off to the bed. That hurt and I said that out of anger. Was stupid.
12 days now since OM drop and it’s becoming a bit easier. Had friends over today, sister came and got me some things for the place. Starting to look like a little home.
When she texted me asking “can I get a house key” with the laughing emoji. It just told me she still has zero respect. That’s why I’ll be taking Sandis advice to heart and not saying anything. I know now she is coming up with things to fight about just to talk to me. I felt like I had done something wrong. I see now that I didn’t.
I will not respond to anything anymore that isn’t a direct question about the children. I’ll stick to it. And let you know how it goes. Sure as hell ain’t responding to that disrespectful ass text.
I agree with "I will not respond..." I'd like it at that. It works best that way. I'm sorry about the laughing emoji. That's cold. Please stop responding and remember that there really aren't that many questions about the children you need to respond to either. If you respond, she'll use any hook whatsoever to get in the door and keep you hanging on.
-Spiral
Yeah it was messed up. I hadn’t really said a lot to anyone about this besides here. My friend that came over today is from work, he is a marriage and family therapist. I talked to him for a couple hours. He pretty much told me to just work on myself, let her go and tell her no about the key. I didn’t follow that advice though I just said nothing. I feel like sandi is on point with her trying to get an emotional rise out of me and test me. She is expecting either a weak response of (yeah sure) or a fake now I’m tough all the sudden response (hell no..etc) what she isn’t expecting is no response. And because I said I won’t be responding to anything like that I won’t. Time to stop talking about DBing and do it. I’ve made a lot of progress in the last 12 days but I got a long way to go. Was definately nice to hear a MFT saying that it’s nothing I’m doing, to stop apologizing and just stop everything. He believes she has a personality disorder and that there is nothing I can do anymore but let her face her reality alone.
Corey Wayne talks about the “illusion of action” us men thinking we can do or say something to make this all go away. But it doesn’t work that way. The more time passed and the more I said didn’t help anything. It only made me spiral harder. I really thought I was responding well to her messages and so on but I was’nt doing as good As I could have. Getting upset and so on (which sure I have a right to do but it don’t help) so I must become indifferent. ASAP.
You're still wondering what she's thinking when she reaches out to communicate. Try to stop wondering. It really doesn't impact you one way or another. Just keep thinking about you and how to improve your life going forward. There are plenty of things within your control that you can do for yourself. Just do them. As for becoming indifferent, if you keeping focusing on GAL and you, you'll get there. Don't feel too bad if it takes awhile because it takes everyone awhile to get there. At this point, I have no idea what I'd do if she wanted to come back and I'm kind of happy that I don't need to struggle with that problem.
Got on my Disney + and looks like my W changed my profile to his name and a dif pic, added his kids on. I deleted his kids changed mine back and changed the password.
Did it bother me, yes. Am I going to say anything? No.
Steve,
You will never understand your WW. She is just broken. She will always be chasing rainbows. Look at the amount of affairs you have mentioned / are aware of ? This is not a healthy mindset.
The fact she comes running back after these affairs shows she in not capable of holding down a stable relationship. The OM either realise what she is like, or the OM doesnt live up to her expectations and she comes running back to you.
This type of person will never be content in a stable relationship - Her life will revolve around drama and getting her next fix.. To introduce the OM to the children just shows where her head is at...
Google "emotional vampires"
minimal / very little respose to her ( unless children related ) is good
No respose ( unless child related ) is better.
She sent a text “can I get a house key too?” With a laughing face.
Two things here. Her sense of entitlement.......and she's taking your emotional temperature to see how attached you are. That's what her "tests" are all about. She tried to disguise it in humor, but it's no joke.
Not even going to respond to that at all.
Great! You passed that test!
Don't be caught off guard, b/c more will come.
Thank you Sandi. I was wondering if she was just kidding or actually asking. Because of how much more firm I have been this past week and slowly detaching a joke seemed misplaced and I though she may actually be asking for a key.
But like playing it off in case i said no she 100% would say “relax I’m joking” The nerve on her...
She definately has Zero respect. I’m for sure doing the right thing with the LRT, detachment. At first I really thought I could nice her back. Always seemed to work before, then since OM drop I realized it was all about respect. Only a woman with zero respect for her marriage and kids the family friends marraige and kids and honestly zero respect for herself could do this.
100% right you guys have been, she is running off emotions and chasing to fill a void. All I did nicing her was make it even easier for her to avoid the guilt/pain/reality. Being honest I did it because I loved her and wanted to seem understanding and supportive of her needs above my own. Nothing more NGS than that. My cheating wife would never respect my nice ways, because I didn’t even respect myself.
Just wish I realized this a couple weeks ago like the second OM drop happened. But I didn’t. And I have to forgive myself for making some mistakes and just hold myself accountable to stop doing them. It’s ripping my manhood away and making me feel so small. Not good.
Google: YouTube datingguy no contact
Then just listen. It will ease your anxiety.
This was good. I could listen to this everyday.
Steve_
I've got no advice. I'm going through this same situation - different, but similar. I read this whole thread, but didn't go back and read the others. I've got several friends and acquaintances that have been through this. That thread from the dating guy seemed to hit home for me.
The harsh reality for both of us is, we need to move on. There is no going back. This is about going forward. Our wives have made their decision. Now we need to preserve our dignity and respect to fight another day. And that next battle, will be different from this one. We will be new men and the reality is we will not want what we had, nor do we deserve it.
Thanks for sharing your story. Men like you, who love their family with their whole hearts, are inspirational. You've fought your fight. Time to move forward.
All the best - Scottb
I appreciate that Scott.
Today no words of any kind have been exchanged except her telling me “meeting lol” in the morning. Said the school was calling her. I just sent her a pick of my daughter in class and doing her work and said “she is” that was it. Nothing more.
What I worry about is tomorrow, it’s Veterans Day. Every year my W would do something for me. I’ll assume tomorrow she will text me happy Veterans Day or something. Should I not respond? I mean I know I need to go dark here since she’s with OM but I was considering a simple “thanks” and that’s it. What do you guys think? No response at all? I sorta feel like no response would be more powerful. She knows Veterans Day is important to me with my long career and so forth. Idk
In other news I’m sitting in my apartment reading DR with my kids playing with a couple toys I got em. Tomorrow we will go play football and frisbee and just be together. It’s my last day with them for 5 days due to work. It’ll be tough.
So what you’re worried about is if she texts you happy vets day what your response is to her? Total wasted energy Steve. You say nothing she’s still with om. You say thanks she’s still with om. You answer go fuch yourself she’s still with om. What do you want to say?
You really have to stop wasting any energy I your stbxw and focus on yourself and children.
I was streaming a movie off my phone to the Tv for the kids and she face times me 4 times In a row. Then texts “don’t be an Fin Ahole I’m trying to talk to the kids not you”. Then calls my sons iPad and my son answers the thing saying “what” she gets pissed and tells them “is your dad brain washing you not to talk to me?” My son says no we are just watching a movie. Then she tells my son he is rude and says I gotta go. Wow. I was tempted to text her and say I’m not brain washing anything etc.. but I said nothing. I will also say nothing if she texts me tomorrow. There is nothing left to say. Pretty obvious when she even calls the kids rude and immidately assumes I’m plotting against her. After all I’ve done to make this easy on her. What a B
Your poor kids. What a mess.
She then calls them and asks them to have me respond to a text.
My son says “mom my dad isn’t brain washing us, we are having family time he is using his phone because we don’t have internet”
I look at the message and it says call me ASAP,
Then it says can I keep the PlayStation or you want it?
I just said “keep it, I don’t play games anymore” (was one of her big reasons to leave).
Not even going to address anything else. What an excuse to talk. I see it for what it is. Tests just like sandi said. So stupid.
Hi Steve_,
What part of "can I keep the PlayStation or you want it?" struck you as urgent business related to the kids? You are making progress. Keep working at it, mate! Lots of testing going on.
Guys I can’t even believe I’m saying this but. She started threatening to take my kids away tomorrow until court settled in like 6 months. She said I’m making them not talk to her and brain washing them. accused me of not feeding them, I spend 25$ at the dollar store getting noodles, chips, cookies all that. They ate a ton of stuff. We watched movies and they played all day. They love it here. I couldn’t take it, I put my son on the phone with her he told her “mom I don’t like it when your rude to my dad” and he repeated something she said that was mean she told our 7 year old son “your a Fin liar” I hung up on her.
I texted her back, you don’t talk to our kids that way. You will not call our 7 year old that ever.
Her response was “well he was lying”
I said “this relationship with him is changing you in bad ways, you never used to talk to us like this”
She said “ you said worse stuff to him don’t forget that”
I said “your right, I did, 2 years ago when I used to drink, but I was disappointed in myself and I changed. Thankfully he doesn’t remember it. Now you are changing, we are supposed to learn from our mistakes not repeat them, good night.”
She hasn’t said a word since then. I don’t care 1 bit if this damages recon. I won’t allow that to me or my kids. I said not one bad word about her when I have every reason to. And she threatens to take my kids away while she stands there making her boyfriend dinner. No no no. F that. She’s a piece of crap and I’m sick of her using excuses to blame all us to not face her own guilt. Yes I said extra today, yes I talked. But I’m not sorry. I’m tied of being nice. This is bullsh*t I am 100% a better man than I was, she knows it she’s said it. It’s her own guilt doing this and I won’t tolerate this disrespect anymore.
Steve... why would you EVER want to be with someone who would talk to her seven year-old that way? This is not a quality person you have been pining away for. It looks to me like she is using the kids to try to get your attention...negative attention is better than no attention when you have the emotional maturity of a five year-old. Seriously...her threats are empty, IMO. Do you think she is going to want your kids full time while she is with OM? Not a chance. She is just trying to get to you. Don’t let her goad you into a fight. Honestly...why are you still caring about recon with this person?!? Read your post like you are reading an account of someone else’s situation. What would you say to that person?
So...once you have stopped reacting, you need to take some steps to protect your children. You can’t change what she does...you can only change what you do. My suggestion would be to let things calm down a bit and then suggest to her that in order to avoid unnecessary conflict in front of the kids, you come to an agreement about contact when they are with the other parent. Maybe that means establishing a time that you each agree to make your phone available for calls to the kids...bedtime is usually a good time. And write it down. You need some ground rules. Hopefully you won’t need expensive lawyers to establish some sort of basic agreement but if you do, you do. Whatever route you take, you need to avoid these damaging interactions in front of your kids. Do NOT put them in the middle. That is the WORST thing you can do.
Anyway...if you do think she is serious about taking your kids away, you need to get to a lawyer ASAP. It sux but it is what it is. Hope things calm down soon. Oh...and document everything with dates and witnesses when there are some. Also document anytime she says she is going to have the kids but then changes the plans. Better to be safe than sorry.
We are supposed to meet tomorrow to fill out the financials of the D papers. I plan on doing it with indifference. And saying as little as possible. She wanted a divorce She can have it. There has been no point besides today I see that I Stand alone. She has never made it more clear than today she is a selfish, cheating, lying piece of trash. I will hold my anger in and just do what needs to be done. At this point, there is zero saving this. I get that. And I’ll bet your right. She is testing with the kids. Testing to see if I care enough to fight. The wind is out of me. She can have her POS om. I honestly am done. She ordered the kids beds, we are filling out the last of the papers every day she has less reason to talk to me. I have 5 days without the kids and she has them. I’m looking forward to not hearing from her. To where there is no excuse to contact me when the kids are there. I’m so tired of this. I want it to stop. I have nothing left to defend, nothing left to say. Every day that passes she becomes more of who she is to me. Heartless trash.
Steve, just for a second forget that urge to defend yourself and call out her lies. Just put it on the shelf for now...
Read back through your threads. Do you see a pattern?
Every time you interact with her you get pain. And hurt. And anger. And you then post a whole account of what happened.
STOP INTERACTING WITH HER.
Every time you take the bait she wins.
She calls your son’s iPad calls him a fn liar, and hangs up. You know what you do? You turn off his iPad, chuck the kids in the car and go ten pin bowling or play mini golf. DONT TAKE THE BAIT.
She messages you about the PlayStation. You know what you do? You ignore it. It’s not about the kids.
She tells your son he is rude. You know what you do? Hang up, tell your son this divorce is not his fault and that you love him very much, and then ask if he wants to play a board game with you
Your reactions and messages and arguing with her is just wind that fills her sails.
JUST STOP INTERACTING. I CHALLENGE YOU TO GO ONE MONTH.
I endorse Kind18's post. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Your absolutely right Kind.
I guess since I stopped fighting/responding about the R now she’s using the kids to get to me.
I felt the need to defend my son. But it was just part of her game. The way you guys saw through
That is amazing. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I need to get off this ride.
Indifference is taking time. But I’m getting there little by little. The way she is acting
Makes it easier and easier to stop blaming myself and see that it’s her.
The PlayStation I sort of thought was about the kids because he loves to play fortnite so that’s why I responded.
And I do feel like crap every time I interact with her or see her. I did actually tell my son this is not his fault,
He said “I know dad”. I’m really looking forward to the next 5 days where she has no reason to reach out and I got no reason to respond. Would be the longest stretch we didn’t speak I’m shooting for no interaction at all.
Your getting good advice. Stop all interactions. You can always go email only, many others have.
As Deja said establish some ground rules on when and IF she can call the kids.
Also, dont put kids on the phone when she is acting as she was.
They dont need to hear or see any of it. Protect them when you can!
Go to another room if there is something you HAVE to talk about, but even better just hang up.
Early on I used airplane mode a lot. Took some of the stress off.
Can you elaborate on how she threatened to take you kids? Or what she actually said?
One thing.
Write down EVERYTHING she says and does that you consider bad parenting.
Write down what happened and the date. IF needed write some context.
Also, read JosephS thread.
Steve, we're all with you mate. It ain't easy but you know what you need to do. Stay strong, try not to backslide on your efforts so far.
Don’t “shoot” for no interaction.
JUST DON’T INTERACT. FULL STOP. PERIOD. ZIP. NADDA. ZILCH. END OF DISCUSSION.
Do you exercise? I was told several times after bomb day the absolute best thing you can do to feel better is heavy, regular exercise. And it worked. The weeks I went to the gym for an hour every day, or walked 10km every day - I felt better and better. When I got slack and backed off or stopped exercising, by the end of the week my brain was tearing itself apart.
I’d highly recommend you hit the exercise. Hard and regular.
You can do this Steve
I’m really looking forward to the next 5 days where she has no reason to reach out
Hi Steve,
If you read KitKat's early situation, she often awaited a magical time when her ex had no reason to contact her--then "Wow, he STILL contacted me!!" Remember her ex's (and your ex's) reasons for reaching out aren't logistical, and therefore will continue until you stop taking the bait for awhile or they move on.
Yoda says there is no try. Do or do not do.
Yeah that is true.
Today she sent me a text “happy Veterans Day, thank you for serving our country, you will always be our hero” with a heart emoji.
I did not respond. I’m not her hero anymore.
Hi Steve,
Thanks for your service. Vets rock!
She has never made it more clear than today she is a selfish, cheating, lying piece of trash. I will hold my anger in and just do what needs to be done. At this point, there is zero saving this. I get that. And I’ll bet your right. She is testing with the kids. Testing to see if I care enough to fight.
I have to step in here, b/c you LBH's want to believe your WW is testing to see if you
care enough to fight for her and the marriage.
WRONG! That's how the LBH thinks. That is
not how the WW thinks, nor is it how she operates.
She is
angry b/c she can sense she's losing control over you. She is beyond
selfish. Her sense of
entitlement is off the charts. She has cast aside moral codes, and anything goes. She is so
jealous that her kids might prefer being with their dad, that she'll discredit him however she can. She is
over reacting to the jealousy and
loss of control she wants over her LBH and her kids. We've read some wild stories how some WW's try to brain wash the kids about their dad, call the cops and make false charges, take the kids and hide them from their dad......on & on.
For her, it's all about control. When she initiates a text message, it's to draw a
reaction from you. That is her exercising the control she holds over you! She wants to work you like a puppet.......for her own sick sense of security. It's certainly not b/c she wants to see if you love her enough to fight for her. Please! You're dreaming! You men need to drop this line of thinking, b/c it's as far opposite from the mindset of the WW as it could go.
I see that I Stand alone.
Come on, don't kid yourself. It's always been just you standing. Sorry, Steve, but you need to take of the blinders and realize what you are dealing with. What you've witnessed is not normal behavior from a logical thinking adult......especially a
parent. This is not the girl you thought would love you till death. That girl is gone! Think about it. If she reacts this strongly as a result of you pulling back on the texting game the past couple of days........imagine the viciousness that lies below the surface in her. Yes, she will absolutely use her kids against you. Some wayward mothers turn on their own children in their fit of rage, as you witnessed today. Protect yourself, and get a lawyer who will fight for a father's rights. I would not trust her for a second.
With that said, be prepared to see a range of personalities in your WW. Don't fall for any of it. She's a game player. She wants to control you, and the kids. She's like a spoiled brat who throws tantrums when something doesn't go just like she wants.
Steve, thanks for your service.
Good job on not responding.
Let the process work.
Thank you Sandi. I guess I thought my wife was still in there somewhere. Maybe she would realize that this whole thing is killing us. But she’s so limerant with OM I doubt she even cares. The woman I married for 10 years would never do this. You are right, she is gone.
[censored] that she left me for a man who threw his M and family to the side for her. It would have been nice if she had at least picked someone with some decency. Waited awhile after the D. But the D is only happening because of this OM and his D too. What a mess, thanks for sticking with me everyone. It’s been tough to pull my head out of this but I’m getting there every day a little more. Been two weeks now and I’ve been able to back off a little more every day. Thanks to your advice. I am reading DB and DR. Looking forward to being at work. Looking forward to having my own independence. Leaving our M for someone else in an M in this way is sad, you get zero time to be free, to work on yourself to find yourself. And at least I get to start over that’s the blessing here I suppose, im not locked into a mess that I created like she is. I try to remember that when I feel down, I get to be free to start over better now. That is nice actually.
But she’s so limerant with OM I doubt she even cares.
Time for you to stop caring then.
[censored] that she left me for a man who threw his M and family to the side for her. It would have been nice if she had at least picked someone with some decency.
She was going to leave you for anyone, it’s not this guy specifically.
Leaving our M for someone else in an M in this way is sad, you get zero time to be free, to work on yourself to find yourself.
Her problem, not yours.
Thank you Sandi. I guess I thought my wife was still in there somewhere. Maybe she would realize that this whole thing is killing us. But she’s so limerant with OM I doubt she even cares. The woman I married for 10 years would never do this. You are right, she is gone.
[censored] that she left me for a man who threw his M and family to the side for her. It would have been nice if she had at least picked someone with some decency. Waited awhile after the D. But the D is only happening because of this OM and his D too. What a mess, thanks for sticking with me everyone. It’s been tough to pull my head out of this but I’m getting there every day a little more. Been two weeks now and I’ve been able to back off a little more every day. Thanks to your advice. I am reading DB and DR. Looking forward to being at work. Looking forward to having my own independence. Leaving our M for someone else in an M in this way is sad, you get zero time to be free, to work on yourself to find yourself. And at least I get to start over that’s the blessing here I suppose, im not locked into a mess that I created like she is. I try to remember that when I feel down, I get to be free to start over better now. That is nice actually.
Another whole post about your wife. What she is thinking. What she is doing. Who she is dating.
We all want posts from now on about Steve. What are you doing to stay active, keep busy, favourite hobby, favourite movie, how you’re being a great Dad.
More focus on Steve.
29 days of no contact to go!
Here’s some ideas to focus on Steve
- mountain biking with mates
- walking/hiking
- do an online course
- gym membership - make some weight/fitness goals
- house project
- volunteer work
- landscaping at your house
- gaming
- go to your local library and borrow some books
- join a meetup/social group which IS NOT dating related
- watch a bunch of TEDx videos on YouTube
- choose a room in your house and paint it
- go clothes shopping. Don’t buy what you’d always buy. Ask a younger shop assistant to get you a new, modern look
- go to the barber for a new look. Grow a beard?
- practice validation every day on people other than your wife. “You must feel like” “how horrible for you” “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” “that sounds tough” “you inspire me” “tell me more about xxxx”
- practice flirting, but do NOT date
- camping trip with no electronic devices
- write a letter to your kids explaining how much and why you love them... but don’t give it to them, just file it away somewhere
- write a list of three things YOU want to change about yourself (which do NOT relate in any way to trying to get your ex back or impress her) , and then make a plan of how you’ll get better at those things
- eat healthier than you’ve ever eaten before
- try to drink at least 2 litres of water per day
- cut back on alcohol/coffee/sugar
- work on self talk. Write a list of everything you want to be and how you want to feel, then read it to yourself each morning. Self talk is incredibly powerful and rewires your brain. See TEDx videos for this
Your life now is STEVE, STEVE and more STEVE.
Well I exchanged the kids to her. Didn’t say a word. Handed her my signed divorce papers. She brought OM daughter with her to pick our kids up. Asked me if it was ok. Just responded “sure”.
There is no more left to do but walk away. And let the universe do whatever it will do.
Thank you guys for being here. I’ll let you know how this week alone goes.
Change "sure" to, in a very upbeat, cheerful way: "I am doing great!"
Remember, Steve_, you are moving on to an awesome life....with or without her.
Think about this. Think about how you'd feel about someone you knew, a friend or a family member, and you were around them and said "How are you doing?" And they were, depressed, down, sad "oh......I am ok.....doing ok......." but there demeanor said otherwise.
Not sure about you but I would be running the other way fast.
Now if I say to the same person, "How are you doing?" And they beam with a smile, light up and say "I am doing great! Life is good I am enjoying each day, and I am in the best place in my life I've ever been."
Suddenly, I am intrigued. I want to know more. My interest is piqued and I want to learn what their secret to being so upbeat, cheerful is.
You are the friend or family member. Your W is you. "sure" in a dejected, woe is me tone is no way to lure someone to you. But if you beamed a smile and said, "I am doing great!" suddenly she is going to wonder what it is that Steve_ has found that is fueling his happiness fire!
Remember, confident. Upbeat. Pleased. Dang it, even happy! Be a person that people want to be around!
She didn't ask me how im doing, she asked if it was okay to bring OM's kid, that's why I said "sure".
She asked me if I needed anything last night I just said "nope im good." made it as fast as possible.
I told her "I have no problem with the children but do not bring OM around me, I will not speak to him ever again, respect that at least."
He knew me, we were friends and now he is with my W and Kids, I will never forgive that.
That's what that was about.
There is no more left to do but walk away.
Walk tall, with your head held high. ((hugs))
She didn't ask me how im doing, she asked if it was okay to bring OM's kid, that's why I said "sure".
Try this next time and watch your W's jaw hit the ground.
"No problem! She's a cutie! Well, gotta run!"
And then get in your car, roll down the window, and blast some music as you drive off with a smile on your face.
She didn't ask me how im doing, she asked if it was okay to bring OM's kid, that's why I said "sure".
Try this next time and watch your W's jaw hit the ground.
"No problem! She's a cutie! Well, gotta run!"
And then get in your car, roll down the window, and blast some music as you drive off with a smile on your face.
This guy gets it!
Lol she asked before she showed up via text.
we exchanged nothing verbally just the kids.
And since OM's D is 12 it might be a bit inappropriate haha.
I did something that gave me some closure. I had a sticky note that my W wrote her number down on and gave to me the day we met. I kept it for 11 years, she knew it was very important to me and ive held onto it in my wallet through everything. I put it in the paperclip with the divorce papers and returned it to her. It felt good to let it go.
I have nothing left to say to her anymore, honestly I really don't. It'll take me some time to get to a place of happiness but ill get there. What im focusing on now is making the best of my sitch for myself and my kids. Anything besides that I wont even acknowledge.
I put it in the paperclip with the divorce papers and returned it to her. It felt good to let it go.
I love it.
Well first time no contact with her in 24 hours.
Tossed and turned all night. Woke up sweating and crying. Had a dream of her being intimate with him. And my kids playing with OM. Her marrying him.
I did not text, did not call. I can’t, I won’t. It’s hard but I’ve drawn the line in the sand now. Returned my most precious item, her phone number she gave me from 11 years ago I’ve kept. It’s over.
Just struggling to accept it. Trying to let this little flicker of hope die that OM will mess up or that she will realize how horrible this is and stop. She only moves forward. And I remain stuck for now. Detoxing, withdrawing from her.
But I do so quietly without a word, and try to push away the idea that she’s ever coming back.
I know I’ll be okay one day. But not today. And I suppose that is normal. Been little more than two weeks since OM revelation. I know this pain will fade.
Tossed and turned all night. Woke up sweating and crying. Had a dream of her being intimate with him. And my kids playing with OM. Her marrying him.
IF he marries her, he will meet the same fate that you did, no question about it. First, their relationship is built on deceit, it's already unhealthy.
Second, she's clearly not relationship material, and until she works on herself and realizes she's severely broken, this will be the pattern in her life.
Don't envy the OM. Feel sorry for him instead. The pain train will be making a stop in his neck of the woods in the near future.
Tossed and turned all night. Woke up sweating and crying. Had a dream of her being intimate with him. And my kids playing with OM. Her marrying him.
Totally normal, but totally [censored], and some lucky blokes never have to experience this. Good for you not succumbing to the desire to text her a few words as you were awakening from the dream. Kids playing with OM won't always frustrate you. My son had good experiences with one of my ex's boyfriends, and one of my ex-girlfriends. I was happy he was being engaged in positive activities not involving a screen.
Don't see yourself as the loser in this situation. She's the loser!
Great job going 24 hrs of NC!
You are going to make it through to the other side.
Broke NC to respond to something. Probably shouldn’t have but I did.
She said “why is Jr saying I took your money?”
I responded this: “I don’t know, talk to him, I’ve proven over and over I say nothing to the kids or anyone else, you already know that. He will find out you left me for XXXX, are you going to blame me for what he says then too? I’m sorry but this is part of you chosing him and it’s the way it is, see you Monday after work”
She responded “I don’t know anymore” .. not taking that bait.
I will not respond to anything except medical emergency until then or phone calls from my kids iPads.
Hey Steve, sorry to hear she found a trigger to get you to break NC. Hang in there, and do better tomorrow!
Yeah the whole "I just don't know anymore" alllllmost got me.
I almost responded with A.B and C.
But I did not. It wasn't remorse, wasn't an apology, wasn't even a "lets fix this" it was her saying "I have doubts" and that's just because reality is slowly creeping in since I dropped the rope. Picking it back up now, will put me back at square 1. Not going down that cheeseless tunnel. Ive come too far to turn back to that. Still in my mind I am assuming she will stay with him and never come back, and that's what I need to stay thinking. Just take care of myself and my kids, if she wants to recon shes gonna have to do a hell of a lot more than say "I don't know" to get me to react, a hell of a lot more. I deserve it.
I can 1000% she hasn’t for a millisecond entertained the fact that you dropped the rope. This sick chick loves messing with you.
Yep in her mind Ill bet she is counting on me taking her back at any second she wants to. Aint that simple anymore, only reason she doesn't know that is because she hasn't tried.
She moved mountains to be with this guy, I would expect the same in return. But this is not even close to that. This is just a little doubt she is having to see if I can still be manipulated. The LRT continues.
11 pages Starting new thread.
Steve right now she has zero doubt. That can change if you change. If you don’t she may comeback but it would only be temporary.
Moving response to new thread:
Steve's LRT phase 2