Old thread
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2903314#Post2903314This was my last update on old thread:
Hey guys,
Been following along with other stich's but decided to take a break from mine to try to get an outsiders perspective.
First off thanks to everyone on here.
So quick update,
Detachment is coming along finally.
I went strict NC for a month.
Eventually I responded after wife told me she had decided she wanted a divorce and wanted to talk about finalizing it. we met for dinner. I said I understand that's her decision and wont fight her on it. We set a date to meet at the courthouse. I was actually fine with this as I have pretty much let go. I would say I'm about 80% detached. ( Uncontested divorce in my state requires both parties be present) She cancels and says she's not ready to get a divorce.
She asks to talk. I agree. She asks if we can try MC. I told her if she can say she is fully recommitted to trying to work on our relationship and she is done with OM then I'm on board.
She says she cant commit to either one of those things and so I say no to marriage counseling.
She then says she does not know what to do or what she wants. So nothing has changed.
Part of me is leaning towards just telling her we need to file. I think her not being able to make those commitments is a decision in itself.
Other part of me is leaning towards going back to NC and giving her more space and time.
Looking for some help here.
Thanks to everyone on here.
Sandi, I hope all is well with you. I would love some advice if you're around. You have a knack for being able to break these things down!
My advice is always the same. Give her more time and space. Continue to be NC. But have a drop dead date.
This. Also, next time she wants to "talk", tell her to talk but don't go to dinner to do it. You probably have something better to do with your time than her "I want MC while I have an affair" shpiel. I mean that seriously, anything you do would be better than that.
Take advantage of this time and GAL like crazy. I regret not doing more during my separation.
Over,
Thanks for responding. I agree there was no need for us to go to dinner to discuss her wanting to do counseling while she continues having an affair. Crazy request.
I also agree that literally anything could have been a better use of my time.
I've been trying to stay busy. A lot of work and a lot of time at the gym. Down time and weekends have been spent with friends and family or reading.
Hope you're doing good over.
Doing well Indy. I know that feeling is tough but seriously once you start to get through this you'll realize you are worthy of so much better than this current BS.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942&page=1I'm posting a link to a thread that I just read that I think can help a lot of LBS's understand the reality of their situation.
So Indy how does that post make you feel?
I'm not sure if it makes me feel anything in particular. I think its very true and very helpful in affirming that things are over in a marriage once you get to BD.
So if things are over in your marriage then what’s Indy’s next step?
To build a life for myself that I enjoy and am proud of.
I'll just say that sometimes the WW can have too many options available to her. Know what I mean?
Sandi,
I think I do. I think maybe she still sees that I’m available as an option although I’ve tried to curve that as much as possible.
Do you have any advice on where to go from here based on my recent update?
Thanks again for stopping in sandi, it is always appreciated.I re read all of your posts related to the WW yesterday and it helped a lot.
I need some help from the board.
I’m in school right now and I work full time. I have decided to rehome my dog with a family member of mine because they work from home, they own land and they have always loved my dog. I simply don’t have time anymore without the help from my wife. Between work and school I’m gone from 6AM to 11:00 PM.
I have made it work the past few months by coming home multiple times during the day but I can’t keep up and it’s not fair for him to be home alone this long by himself.
The family member is out of state so I will be driving him this weekend. They already told me I can come get him whenever I want if anything ever changes. They’ve seen me with him and they know how much I love him.
My question is before I take him do I let my wife know to offer her a chance to see him before he’s gone?
Not asking for her input on the decision. The decision is mine and it is made. I’m simply asking should I give her a chance to say bye to him?
I wouldn’t. Certain actions have consequences.
No. Never. And definitely not.
Indy,
This is your NGS creepy in on you. You absolutely can’t nice her back. If she ever asks about the dog you can tell her what happened.
The point Sandi is is trying to make w/o telling you what to do is to remove yourself as an option. I understand you believe you are as you put it “curving in that direction”. Your W knows she can have you at the drop of a hat.
I want you to peek in on Steve’s thread. Not Steve85. His W has left him 5 times for other men. Do you want to risk something like that in the future when you have kids?
Spiral, LH
Thanks you guys. I was leaning in that direction anyways. No it is.
LH,
I hear you and I know you’re right. I stay up to date on his thread and No I definitely do not want to experience that.
I think my wife does still think she could have me back at the drop off a hat but It’s actually not the case anymore.
There would be a lot of things that would need to be happen. Things I don’t think wife would do. That’s why as I said earlier I’ve pretty much accepted the whole situation for what it is.
I agree though definitely my NGS creeping in on the dog situation.
I think every person on this board has dreamed about the WW coming back on their hands and needs begging for forgiveness. Saying they will do whatever it takes to make it up to us.
Funny how in almost 6 years of me being here I’ve never seen it happen once.
Sometimes I think this board hampers people’s expectations. They read about the fog and believe nothing they say and they think they will eventually snap out of it. When truthfully that rarely happens. If it does it’s many years down the road. Even if they do it’s hard to admit they were wrong and face all the people they hurt. I think it’s easier for them to just move on.
Anyways the lesson to be learned here is to know your value and to never again let someone treat you this way.
LH,
You’ve given me a lot of great advice since the beginning.
I agree that with the whole WW coming back begging and pleading. In my opinion there is 0% chance of that happening in the situations on here.
I think you’re timeline is accurate if something is going to change it will be years down the road. I would say 6 months minimum and that’s depending on what the relationship was like pre BD and if you drop the rope as soon as you get the bomb. Which I don’t think many people can do. Including myself.
Haha “the fog”
Ya I’m not sure how much I’m buying that one anymore.
I agree the lesson here is to know my value and act accordingly.
Yeah I think no, I know your doing things a lot better than I am. The only thing I’ve done right so far is validate and not beg her back. But boy have I made it wayyyyy to clear I want another shot. Today she said she has to go to the gym and so some other stuff she said “I know it’s my day with the kids is that okay” I just said, do what you gotta do, I’m at home with the kids it’s fine. She goes on and says “I’ll send you a pic at the gym” I said “it’s fine I don’t care, it doesn’t matter what you do anymore” she rolled her eyes at that. A pretty clear indication she believes my detachment 0%. I guess I’ll just have to keep proving to her that I really don’t care. Even if she is telling me one thing there is always some lies or at least half truths in it and I’m glad I’m able to see it now.
I would like to get as many opinions on this as possible so please weigh in.
When getting ILY, IMY and WW showing a desire to spend time together.
How do people handle this?
You ignore! Remember the definition of insanity.
Remember Indy that if she loved you then she wouldn’t be doing this to you.
Is she still with om?
Are u willing to share her with someone else?
I think you are doing amazing Indy!
I don’t really want to bring up OM, as my opinion is me saying until OM is gone we have nothing to talk about does nothing. I’ve said this in the past and went NC for a month. I think it makes it more forbidden which maybe makes it more exciting.
I pretty much ignore anything and everything at this point. Her message was pretty different but seemed somewhat sincere about wanting to see me.
I want to respond and not just ignore her.
Considering just saying I need some space right now, Any thoughts on that?
LH,
Thank you for the reminder
Gigi,
Thank you! I hope you’re doing well.
Your NGS is strong my friend!
haha knew it was coming LH.
Any advice on a better response other than to ignore it and say nothing?
Listen you unfaithful lying cheating biotch. Don’t ever text me again.
She would be in your bed tonight.
Do you have the cahonies?
lmao LH I actually think that would be a reasonable response considering the facts..
And effective. Look I know you’re not there yet but you will be some day. Any response is a waste of your time so word it however you see fit. You deserve so much better Indy.
I appreciate it LH.
I have a hard time reading on here sometimes because alot of the sitchs have backgrounds where things happened in the marriage that led up to BD.
Mine didn't really have any of that.
That’s why honestly I don’t have hope for you. I do believe in a midlife transition for women who based on hormones and brain chemicals and basically sacrificing their needs for years for their husbands and children feel take for granted lose love and respect for their husbands.
Your W fits none of these categories and is just selfish. I’m sorry but that’s how I feel.
LH,
I agree I see alot of sitchs that follow a similar trend and it makes some sort of sense.
Can I pick your brain as to what you think happened in my sitch?
I want to respond and not just ignore her.
Why?
I think it has to be one of two things and I’m gonna speak frank with you.
You were either to much of a pu$$y (NGS) or she’s just a really bad person.
How was you sex life?
The good news is if it was option 1 you can turn it around by standing up to her. If it’s option 2 it will not likely change until she hits rock bottom. More then likely until that happens she will be like Steve’s W and keep leaving and coming back.
I’m sorry I wish I had a better answer.
I want to respond and not just ignore her.
So........if you don't want to follow the rules of DBing, why are you here asking for advice?
LH,
I appreciate you being frank.
Sex life was great up until the two weeks before BD.
She was pulling away entirely. Which is obvious now she was getting that fufilled elsewhere.
Before that? it was good.
Maybe I was too much of a pu$$y but I dont think so. I did stand up to her in regards to things I believed. I was good to her but I wouldn't say I was a doormat for her or anything like that.
Women are more attracted to men who stand up for themselves and what they believe in versus guys who are people pleasers and too nice to the point that they let women and others walk all over them. Women can never love men they do not respect. If a woman jerks you around, disrespects you, tries to put you in friend zone, uses you and you let her get away with it without setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, she will never love you and never feel anything for you other than feelings of platonic friendship. Men who love, value and respect themselves never put up with rude and disrespectful women who take them for granted or who try to friend zone them. They simply give them the gift of missing them, permanently. If a woman pushes you away, it’s her who must earn another chance with you, not the other way around.
Sex life was great up until the two weeks before BD.
For you or for her?
LH,
I had a conversation with a friend about this. How odd the dynamic is. That I’m waiting for her to decide when in reality she messed up and should be asking for another chance.
It’s my own fault I know. I chose to stand.
R2C,
You’ve got some great posts out there. Thanks for stopping in.
I would say for both of us. Unless she is really good at faking things and is an elaborate liar about her feelings in regards to our sex life.
Yeah unfortunately that’s why the reconciliation rate is so low early on. Like I always talk about you’ve seen 100 movies where Zach Efron keeps proving his love and gets the girl in the end. It doesn’t work that way in real life. Only when the LBS moves on does the WW becomes interested. People want to be with people they have to work for not ones who jump through hoops for them. I wish I could help you more but you’re kinda stuck right now.
Thanks LH,
I agree with everything above.
I don't want to file and it seems like that would be the only other thing I could do to really remove myself.
I'm completely NC and I've just been doing my own thing.
I do feel better. I'm no where near as upset about all of this as I was when it started.
Yep it gets easier. Eventually she needs to make a decision. Keep improving and moving forward. You have your entire life ahead of you.
I would say for both of us. Unless she is really good at faking things and is an elaborate liar about her feelings in regards to our sex life.
It sounds like you can see things from her point of view. Most guys here need to learn how to do this.
R2C,
Whenever you guys ask me questions on here pertaining to our MR, I try to look at two answers.
I consider what is my answer to that question.
and then I try to consider what her answer would be.
Not to try to mindread but to consider what her point of view is.
So you have other areas you should focus on. I believe people's belief systems get in their way and they have "one" way of behaving. Michele talks about the 180s. This thought process opens up a huge area for personal growth in all kinds of behaviors.
My spin on this is if you always go left, you are going in circles. If you learn to go right, you will just go in circles the other direction. The key is to learn to change directions as needed. Then you are in complete control of going in the correct direction, anywhere from 0 to 360 as needed.
This is why I questioned just one of your statements. You can challenge your belief system. If you see areas for positive change, then you can work on it. Sex is one of several indicators that the relationship is healthy. Identifying the unhealthy areas and addressing your issues during this phase of the process is important.
LH,
I agree I see alot of sitchs that follow a similar trend and it makes some sort of sense.
Can I pick your brain as to what you think happened in my sitch?
What do you think happened in your situation?
LH,
I agree I see alot of sitchs that follow a similar trend and it makes some sort of sense.
Can I pick your brain as to what you think happened in my sitch?
You ansewered your own question yesteday.
You are too Nice and it is obvious she has zero respect for you - coupled with the fact that WW is damaged goods.
You are still lookikng for reasons why, probably becuase you are thinking how to fix it.
It is also obvious ( to us here ) and to your WW that you havent dropped the rope.
Its great that you are working on you, but i think its for the wrong reasons.. You are still looking as to why it went wrong, with a view of how to fix it. You cant fix her. Why would you want to.. I've said it soooo many times.. No ties apart from a a wedding document - move on and love life.
This response had me in tears.. Litterally and i'm so glad LH still posts
Listen you unfaithful lying cheating biotch. Don’t ever text me again.
She would be in your bed tonight.
Do you have the cahonies?
This should have been your response! - but if she had come running, you would have folded..
Think "self respect" - You know she is with OM, or you dont want to discuss with her - either way, it equates to still with other man - You don't want to file - From a 3rd party looking in - do you really think it equates to respect. What do your parents think ? Do you think they respect you for being a cheaters plan B ?
I'll be frank - I would never get back with my WW, for a varierty of reasons - the main one is self respect and respect from others.. People would lose respect for me - Mum, Dad, Sister, Friends, People at work -
Respect and self respect, or the warm tingly feeling of getting a "i miss you" text from WW, but knowing you were a great Plan B - You decide.
Brside,
Thanks for stopping in.
I disagree on a few things.
I think I have finally dropped the rope.
I also can tell you I'm not looking for the "why" as a way to fix it, I was curious what LH's thoughts were on it.
I do agree I was too much of a nice guy in my MR and that contributed but I think it has a lot to do with her as well.
I'm no longer trying to fix things.
I think I have finally dropped the rope.
Then why not file ?
Move on with your life - you are young, good career and have loads going for you ?
I was curious what LH's thoughts were on it.
LH has been very direct from day one of your sitch..
Brside,
I think you can drop the rope and still not file for D. I am moving on with my life though.
and haha yes I agree LH has been very direct, something I've come to appreciate.
Brside,
I think you can drop the rope and still not file for D. I am moving on with my life though.
I'm not sure how you are moving on with your life. It's one thing to be married, while you wait for the divorce to go through.. Its another thing to be married but have no intetion of filing, while WW has her fun and games. Again - to me this comes back to respect..
In my sitch, the worse time was the 3 months between seperating and her moving out - We were in limbo. On the day she finally moved, it was amazing - freedom.
Why would you not want that ? - i'll answer it for you - becuase you are happy to wait in line as Plan B, and be there for WW once she realises the mistake she made...
Brside,
I understand your point of view on it.
Me and my wife are separated and have been for months.
For me getting on with my life means, making my own decisions, doing the things that I want and giving myself the release to make decisions solely based on what I want. I do feel a lot of freedom.
You can answer that question for me, but it doesn't make it my answer.
My answer is I do want that freedom and I have that freedom now.
I'm not sitting around waiting on my WW. As i've said I've come to accept my current reality.
Ok gentlemen I will intervene here.
Indy was does moving on with your life mean?
Indy again we are looking out for you here and are trying to prevent you from serious trouble down the road when kids may be involved.
LH,
For me getting on with my life means, making my own decisions, doing the things that I want and giving myself the release to make decisions solely based on what I want. I do feel a lot of freedom.
I know you guys are looking out for me LH and I appreciate it.
Im just answering Brsides questions honestly here. No hard feelings. Im open to 2x4's and other points of view on my sitch. I think all of it helps.
I think the different points of views really really help.
Do you have a date in mind when enough is enough?
Indy, if you're morally opposed to divorce to the point where you can never file, then I can respect that. I myself could only file if a) there was a PA, or b) I reached a point where I could no longer wait for her.
If you are so morally opposed to D that you would never file yourself then I suggest you hold fast to that. Now is not the time to go back on core principles.
Indy,
Brside and LH definitely have great perspectives here and I am still learning when they post.
I was in your shoes. I still don't have the answer as to how one is detached and moving on with life while still hoping to bust the divorce. Maybe it's because I was never completely detached. For me, maybe that was never going to happen. Until you're ready to file, you're not ready. It is what it is. One day you'll figure it out, but this is not some tactile goal where you can just go throw yourself at it and then you have the thing built and that's it.
Something I keep thinking about (and writing in my journal I just started a few weeks ago) is being "core me". I keep writing that "core me" is:
1. Discipline (gym, business, etc)
2. PMA (positive mental attitude)
3. Confidence, smile, posture
4. Speak properly
These are the areas where I put my effort in to get the good mojo flowing.
You seem to be taking all the advice well, that's good.
Can i pitch in here, as i have been thinking recently when is enough enough? When do i stop waiting and file myself?
Its so against everything i believe in, but at one point or another i will need finality. Its been over 7 months. Is a year a reasonable time? Is 18 months? Nothing has changed beaides the fact that H os more stable and looks like finally sorting his life out, i.e renting a place to live.
Am i waiting for me? Or the children? They are rather confused about the whole thing to be honest. Indy you dont have kids, which is so great in your sitch. They are a rather complicated and sensitive subject when it comes to separations.
Do you love your wife? I mean really truly? I for one no longer know if i do.....i have some tender memories, but i despise what he did to our family so much, although i dont feel angry when i see him anymore. And i dont know if i can forgive him for what he deprived our children of.
What is a reasonable time?
So Indy below is my mantra on how I live my life. I read this at least one a day.
“A true alpha’s state of mind is one of indifference, charm, humor, humility, courage and a belief that eventually, things will work out in their favor. Alphas set, keep and hold other people accountable to their boundaries. They stand up for what they believe in and don’t compromise their principles or values for anyone. They have an emotionally compelling vision of what kind of life and lifestyle they want to create and then resolve to pay the price, no matter how long it takes to make it a reality.”
So in relationships moving forward for me infidelity is a boundary. You cheat you're out. No exceptions. In friendships if you are not loyal and do not have my back you are out. No exceptions. I will never ever again try to convince someone to be in my life who doesn't want to be there.
I think you need to figure out what are your principles and values. If it's monogamy then that needs to be a boundary and cannot be compromised for anyone and you need to stand up for what you believe in.
“A true alpha’s state of mind is one of indifference, charm, humor, humility, courage and a belief that eventually, things will work out in their favor. Alphas set, keep and hold other people accountable to their boundaries. They stand up for what they believe in and don’t compromise their principles or values for anyone. They have an emotionally compelling vision of what kind of life and lifestyle they want to create and then resolve to pay the price, no matter how long it takes to make it a reality.”
Wise and empowering words LH... i'd probably throw "confidence" into the top line lol...
But a great read..
Well I think my stand is over. I’ve done a lot of thinking. I can’t continue to live like this. I’m gonna be talking to WW tomorrow to set up a time to meet at the courthouse so we can file.
Indy,
I just wanted to say that regardless of what happens to your marriage, you are a good dude. You deserve so much better than the hand your W has dealt you.
I foresee a bright future ahead of you and I think you will meet a woman who cherishes you as much as you cherish her.
Keep on keepin' on...
Well I think my stand is over. I’ve done a lot of thinking. I can’t continue to live like this. I’m gonna be talking to WW tomorrow to set up a time to meet at the courthouse so we can file.
Why do you need to talk to her or have her go with you. Hire a lawyer and file.
Indy,
I second what Thornton said and would also like to warn you that she is going to try to manipulate to hold off. Make sure you are strong with your position with no wavering.
Indy,
I'm like Steve85, no need to talk. Take action. Be a man of deeds over words.
Good luck man.
I would. The type of divorce were filing both parties have to be present at the courthouse.
Indy,
I know this is not the outcome you wanted but IMO it's the right move. You have to be true to your values. People who have physical affairs rarely change and typically only change when they hit rock bottom. The early years of marriage are suppose to be great times as your build your life together. If she is stepping out now she either feels she made the wrong choice or she has deep rooted issues.
Learn from this experience and move forward. You absolutely have a great life ahead of you.
Yeah LH as usual is on point.
My W had her first one night stand 10 months into our marriage, more followed now she filed D 10 years later and left me for OM. And now we got 2 kids. Corey Wayne says something that is very true that I should have thought about a lot more but it is "What you allow will continue", he also says "If you continue to do what you always do, you will get what you always got." It took me 10 years to stop continuing what I always do and even now its a struggle to respect myself for once. Don't be like me man.
Indy470,
Well I think my stand is over. I’ve done a lot of thinking. I can’t continue to live like this. I’m gonna be talking to WW tomorrow to set up a time to meet at the courthouse so we can file.
Indy,
I just wanted to say that regardless of what happens to your marriage, you are a good dude. You deserve so much better than the hand your W has dealt you.
I foresee a bright future ahead of you and I think you will meet a woman who cherishes you as much as you cherish her.
Keep on keepin' on...
Indy,
I know this is not the outcome you wanted but IMO it's the right move. You have to be true to your values. People who have physical affairs rarely change and typically only change when they hit rock bottom. The early years of marriage are suppose to be great times as your build your life together. If she is stepping out now she either feels she made the wrong choice or she has deep rooted issues.
Learn from this experience and move forward. You absolutely have a great life ahead of you.
^All this, plus...
I wouldn't for a second take away my kids, but children certainly complicate the post-BD relationship. You're fortunate in a way to not have that on-going attachment and need to collaborate for decades to come. Keep working on yourself and you'll find happiness without her.
I would. The type of divorce were filing both parties have to be present at the courthouse.
I see this as an opertunity for heart string tweaking.
If you are serious about this, you could handle it like a business meeting.
I would suggest that you
Speak to the court house and get 4 or 5 free slots, that work for you.
Email WW with these slots and ask which one is convenient.
Book the slot once she .
This keeps interaction to a bare minimum.
Good for you, Indy.
You’re a good egg. You deserve someone who is head over heels for you.
What’s the latest Indy. Your silence makes me nervous lol.
LH I’m alright man.
The divorce has been filed for about two weeks.
I’ve had a lot of good days in a row but today has sucked.
The strongest feeling that has taken over at times is anger.
The other two feelings in the background are guilt and sadness today.
Indy,
Hey man I’m sorry you are struggling. The holidays are a tough time for sure.
You are going to have to cycle through the stages of grief and they are not linear.
Anger can be good if channeled in the right places.
I understand you may feel guilty but I know you did the best you could and this is not your vault.
I know you can’t see it now but this is a blessing in disguise. You do not want to go through this down the road. Tomorrow is my sons 16th birthday and he will not wake up in my house.
Again I’m really sorry.
LH,
I’m truly sorry to hear that. I hope your day is going good and you’ve had a chance to talk to your soon and wish him a happy birthday.
Just drove home from work crying and screaming viscerally.
I don’t understand this kind of pain.
I am beyond sorry to everyone on here trying to save your marriage that feels this on a daily basis.
I’m 7 months in, thought I’d be further along.
Oh Indy
Im sorry and its ok! 9 months in and there are days few and far between when i feel like screaming and crying. Mine are generally because of how my kids feel. But its ok to feel whatever you are feeling, as long as it doesn't trigger you to do anything like contact you W.
You are likely to feel something when d is finalized or if she reaches out, you arent made of stone. I find its best to live through these emotions and then let go, rather than suppress them.
Indy,
Just now trying to catch up on your sitch.
You will be ok. I ended up filing in 2019 after standing for 2 years. I am in a different place now. I have peace without all of the chaos from what my X was contributing. Look at this time as yours, to heal and freedom from the chaos. It doesn't feel like freedom yet, but now you choose what you let into your life. Be choosey. Allow only truth.
It's good to scream in the car. I've done it. One of the best things I've done is read a lot on grief and the grieving process.
I really just wanted to say - It will NOT always feel like this.
Just drove home from work crying and screaming viscerally.
I don’t understand this kind of pain.
I am beyond sorry to everyone on here trying to save your marriage that feels this on a daily basis.
I’m 7 months in, thought I’d be further along.
All normal Indy. We’ve all been there. The pain will subside. One day at a time man. Be patient with yourself.
LH,
I’m truly sorry to hear that. I hope your day is going good and you’ve had a chance to talk to your soon and wish him a happy birthday.
I got to spend three hours with him today. He loved the couple gifts I got him. It’s all good it’s my new norm now.
I want you to learn from your sitch so when you do have kids you don’t have to split time. Look for red flags and do not ignore them. Look at her parents relationship because that means a lot.
Just drove home from work crying and screaming viscerally.
I don’t understand this kind of pain.
I am beyond sorry to everyone on here trying to save your marriage that feels this on a daily basis.
I’m 7 months in, thought I’d be further along.
Indy, you are not alone my friend. Do not feel bad, I do not believe anyone deserves this kind of pain. Take heart in the knowledge that others here have been through what you are feeling and have come out of it not only feeling happier than ever, but as truly improved people.
[Look for red flags and do not ignore them. Look at her parents relationship because that means a lot.
I think this is super important. When you meet someone you fall head over heels with and you are young, it is so easy to ignore those red flags. Once something like this happens, they seem to stick out like sore thumbs, so obvious in hindsight. Its ok to make a mistake once, its not ok to make the same mistake twice.
LH, Gigi, 97, OB
Thank you guys, seriously it means a lot.
I just deleted 18,000 photos from my phone and iCloud that included wedding, engagement and so many other memories we created over the last 10 years.
I’ve gotten rid of everything except my wedding ring. Quit wearing it on the day we filed but didn’t want to get rid of it.
That’s a lot of pictures!
What was the last convo like Indy?
Ya you’re not kidding LH.
Last conversation was nothing special. She said she didn’t know what she wanted still and I said that’s fine, it’s time for us to divorce.
She did try to push back, told me she’s not seeing OM and said that I was being unfair and giving up.
Honestly I had had enough and just shut it down. I told her I didn’t want to hear anything else and that it was done.
In the end for me, it didn’t matter if she was still seeing OM,
The problem happened 7 months ago, when she cheated.
Her first reaction should have been remorse, regret and a willingness to give her husband whatever he needed to move forward with her.
It wasn’t. It was selfishness and manipulation.
For us to have had a chance at recon it would have had to have been different from the start.
Who knows, maybe even if she started late.
But here we are 7 months later and all I’ve received is disrespect, manipulation, breadcrumbs and her ability to do what she wants regardless of how it affects others, even the one person she made a commitment too.
LH in all honesty,
I think sometimes people think your harsh on here (including myself at the start) but I think you have a really good understanding on relationships and respect.
I get the sense that you’ve put so much work into understanding these things.
I also get the sense that your XW broke your heart at the time and I’m sorry for that.
I know it’s been a long time and you’re doing good in life but still I’m sorry.
I get the sense that you are a good guy.
LH I read 3% man and am reading his other book currently.
Best book recommendation I’ve got so far.
Indy,
Thank you for that last post it choked me up a little.
I know I can be harsh but sometimes it’s the only way I feel like I can get through to people. Your situation especially because I know you didn’t do anything to deserve it.
I have spent a lot of time reading and researching this stuff so if I am able to shed some light I’m happy to do so.
As for my ex wife I don’t know if she broke my heart as much as disappointed me that our family wasn’t worth fighting for. That’s the part I’ll probably never get over.
3% man has set the stage for how I live my life.
I’m really sorry this happened to you Indy but you will come out stronger. Then I promise you.
LH,
That’s a very good reason and I think necessary. I know for me in the beginning I was so wrapped up in the idea that my wife loved me and was just making a mistake that I couldn’t hear it. Really crazy to look back at my old post now. I can see the naivety.
My wife was gone long before BD and her actions post BD should have had me walking away immediately .
Ultimately I’m not mad at myself for waiting though. I’ve learned a lot about myself, relationships, different attachments, personality types, communication and so much more.
I think one of the biggest take aways for me is to not project my feelings onto someone else.
After her affair I was believing the projection I had created of my wife based on my feeling for her. I wasn’t looking at the reality of her telling me she wanted to end our marriage, had an affair and was no longer in love with me.
Although I would never tell her this I am also grateful because I do believe I got to experience what it feels like to truly love someone with every inch of my being, not saying that was reciprocated from her but I am grateful for the experience of being able to give that to someone.
LH,
Just reread over that and thinking about what you said about your family wasn’t worth fighting for.
That’s wrong. Your family was worth fighting for. You said vows to a person and started a family with that person under the highest level of commitment.
That is worth fighting for man. I would argue it’s probably the relationship that is most worth fighting for. The problem is it’s a battle where two people have to be on the same side of the fight.
Unfortunately you got a bad partner and you had to not only fight that alone but you also had to lose that fight alone.
Your family was worth it, she just didn’t see it. Even if she never does it doesn’t change the fact that your family was worth it.
I know you’re a strong guy, just putting my thoughts out there.
My views on a lot of this have changed so much.
You have learned a lot in a short period of time.
The one issue I have with the DB is is the lack of timelines. I do there are regrets but they are many years down the road when it doesn’t matter anymore.
You are 100% correct that the WWs behavior should never be tolerated and the LBS should be the ones walking away.
In the beginning you can’t see the forest within the trees. The truth of the matter is it takes two people to make a marriage work and sometimes that’s not enough.
I’m glad you were able to love with all your heart and hope that you will heal enough to be able to do it again.
LH,
Just reread over that and thinking about what you said about your family wasn’t worth fighting for.
That’s wrong. Your family was worth fighting for. You said vows to a person and started a family with that person under the highest level of commitment.
That is worth fighting for man. I would argue it’s probably the relationship that is most worth fighting for. The problem is it’s a battle where two people have to be on the same side of the fight.
Unfortunately you got a bad partner and you had to not only fight that alone but you also had to lose that fight alone.
Your family was worth it, she just didn’t see it. Even if she never does it doesn’t change the fact that your family was worth it.
I know you’re a strong guy, just putting my thoughts out there.
My views on a lot of this have changed so much.
It was definitely worth it for me. My kids gave me the strength many days when I wanted to give up. I would think about them every morning when I woke up to go another round.
I have no regrets. It made me the man I am today. I’m a ten times better father, son and friend then I was prior. That I am very thankful for and wouldn’t change.
LH,
It is actually surreal to look back at what happened to me in the beginning of my sitch. I mean I didn’t go off the deep end, I didn’t lose my job or do anything to blow up my life but in a way I blew up internally. It was the first time in my life where I didn’t recognize myself. I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know what was real from the past and I couldn’t figure out anything expect I needed my wife.
Of course it was all wrong
The problem was it took me 7 months to figure out that who I needed was me and somewhere along the way I lost that guy and I owed it to myself to find him again. I’m getting there.
In no way am I saying I’m over the hurt. It hurts daily. What I’m saying is that I’m actually living in reality now. Instead of pining over a woman who was already gone and letting hope allow me to ignore reality, I’ve accepted it.
Now my reality is that my marriage is over and my heart is broken. It’s not the best news but hey it’s something I can work with because it’s real.
LH,
It was definitely worth it for me. My kids gave me the strength many days when I wanted to give up. I would think about them every morning when I woke up to go another round.
I have no regrets. It made me the man I am today. I’m a ten times better father, son and friend then I was prior. That I am very thankful for and wouldn’t change.
I still haven’t learned how to quote on here but in response to this^^^
That’s it. That’s the thing in life that we all get. Choice.
You chose how you reacted and you let it turn you into a better man, friend and most importantly dad.
That’s awesome LH.
At the end of the day all we get to really do is choose who we are in each moment.
You showed up, went the distance and came out better.
Something I’ve been trying to focus on is showing up in each moment in my day, even the small things. Who do I want to be and what do I value? How can I implement those things into even the mundane task in my day to make a difference and contribute something to others.
That was definitely something I lost through this whole thing was my ability to be present.
My mind was on nothing but my wife for 6 months and although I maintained my work, school and relationships. I wasn’t really there. I was on autopilot.
LH,
It is actually surreal to look back at what happened to me in the beginning of my sitch. I mean I didn’t go off the deep end, I didn’t lose my job or do anything to blow up my life but in a way I blew up internally. It was the first time in my life where I didn’t recognize myself. I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know what was real from the past and I couldn’t figure out anything expect I needed my wife.
Of course it was all wrong
The problem was it took me 7 months to figure out that who I needed was me and somewhere along the way I lost that guy and I owed it to myself to find him again. I’m getting there.
In no way am I saying I’m over the hurt. It hurts daily. What I’m saying is that I’m actually living in reality now. Instead of pining over a woman who was already gone and letting hope allow me to ignore reality, I’ve accepted it.
Now my reality is that my marriage is over and my heart is broken. It’s not the best news but hey it’s something I can work with because it’s real.
I say it all the time that there is so much suffering on the board because the LBS wants the WW to be something that they are not and you can choose to ignore reality but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
All you can do is be the best you and as my quote says “ the right people who belong in your life will come and stay”.
It’s gonna hurt for awhile but that ok. That’s how we learn and grow through pain and suffering.
Nice update Indy. I am optimistic for you. In time this will all be water off the duck's back.
In the end for me, it didn’t matter if she was still seeing OM,
The problem happened 7 months ago, when she cheated.
Her first reaction should have been remorse, regret and a willingness to give her husband whatever he needed to move forward with her.
It wasn’t. It was selfishness and manipulation.
For us to have had a chance at recon it would have had to have been different from the start.
Who knows, maybe even if she started late.
But here we are 7 months later and all I’ve received is disrespect, manipulation, breadcrumbs and her ability to do what she wants regardless of how it affects others, even the one person she made a commitment too.
Indy, mate I could have written this myself, I completely understand. How does it all make you feel?
I think sometimes people think your harsh on here.
Some say harsh, I say honest.
I get the sense that you are a good guy.
We all harp on about actions speaking louder than words. This guy contributes only a daily basis, like I've said before, 5,700+ posts and not one thread devoted to himself. He's a good guy, blunt as fk, but a good guy.
As for my ex wife I don’t know if she broke my heart as much as disappointed me that our family wasn’t worth fighting for. That’s the part I’ll probably never get over.
This ^^^^, and I'll add to it, being hurt by the one person who was supposed to have your back.
The problem was it took me 7 months to figure out that who I needed was me and somewhere along the way I lost that guy and I owed it to myself to find him again. I’m getting there.
In no way am I saying I’m over the hurt. It hurts daily. What I’m saying is that I’m actually living in reality now. Instead of pining over a woman who was already gone and letting hope allow me to ignore reality, I’ve accepted it.
Now my reality is that my marriage is over and my heart is broken. It’s not the best news but hey it’s something I can work with because it’s real.
I actually applaud you Indy, I think 7 months is pretty quick to get past (not over) the worst hurt and heart break of your life. I think I am pretty much in the same place as you and its been about 7 months. I have accepted reality, realised that I deserve better, but like you said doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt on the regular. Maybe it always will.
I think sometimes people think your harsh on here.
Some say harsh, I say honest.
I get the sense that you are a good guy.
We all harp on about actions speaking louder than words. This guy contributes only a daily basis, like I've said before, 5,700+ posts and not one thread devoted to himself. He's a good guy, blunt as fk, but a good guy.
As for my ex wife I don’t know if she broke my heart as much as disappointed me that our family wasn’t worth fighting for. That’s the part I’ll probably never get over.
This ^^^^, and I'll add to it, being hurt by the one person who was supposed to have your back.
Much apprec Bent. That’s my style. Others have different styles that work too. You have to pick through the advice and take the advice that works for you. I had to point out some things to Indy that no doubt stung but I wanted him to see his W for who she really is as a person.
LH,
Definitely some things that I needed pointed out. Like I said it’s crazy to look back and see my defense of her behavior and justification for her actions. There are none.
My uncle used to say “if ten people tell you you’re dead, you better lay down”
Well everyone around me was telling me I was being strung along and manipulated, well I finally laid down (realized it myself).
We like to believe people especially the ones we chose to spend the rest of our lives with.
That’s part of the reason I had a big issue with your W is she just couldn’t walk a way and let you go she had to manipulate you until she was secure in her new relationship.
Your uncle is a wise man. I like to use the quote “when someone tells/shows you who they are, believe them.
Word to the wise “never let a WW wean themselves off you”.
Indy,
Happy to see you posting again - and really positive stuff.
I like to think of the journey we have been through as an extra education - in life skills. As long as you keep working on yourself and know what to look out for in future relationships, you won't go wrong.
Its common on here for people not to want to listen to the advice given. They come here looking for people to agree with them and to tell them they should keep fighting for their WW or do x y and z - That quick fix.. They then disapear or stop posting..
Its taken a while, but i'm glad you are in such a better place.
With no children, you are one of the really fortunate ones.. Go and enjoy your life
I like to think of the journey we have been through as an extra education - in life skills. As long as you keep working on yourself and know what to look out for in future relationships, you won't go wrong.
100% agree with this outlook.
Its common on here for people not to want to listen to the advice given. They come here looking for people to agree with them and to tell them they should keep fighting for their WW or do x y and z - That quick fix..
The irony is the advice I give does give the LBS the best chance to recon. They are just not strong enough to believe in it.
With no children, you are one of the really fortunate ones.. Go and enjoy your life
Wise words from a very wise man.