https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2904677&page=11Have a terrible headache today...
H has texted twice now. Once yesterday morning and then this morning about when could I take a look at the puppy. I totally respect every one's opinion about how I should not be seeing the puppy, BUT I still feel that he is my dog too. I raised for the first 7 months and he just turned a year old.
Anyway... yesterday I just texted back a day and a time. Very business like but got NO response. I was like "whatever"... not my circus not my monkeys.
So when he texted again today asking could I do a Saturday because he works over every day... I texted back the dates of my next 2 Saturdays. AGAIN - no response. WHATEVER DUDE. You contact me asking me for help and then you ignore me.
I'm really not mad.
I really don't care.
I'm like 'eh.....
If he texts me again my only response will be my business phone number and he can discuss with receptionist. Its totally dumb to ask for my help and then ignore me. I've got more important things to do... like get rid of this headache.
I love that idea--sending him to your receptionist.
I hope your head feels better!
Its like touching hot stove...over and over and over again...........
I'm not sure how you can just "not care" about that. This is EXTREMELY disrespectful behavior, and you're just going to sit there and let him continue to disrespect you and say you don't care? Please have a little more respect for yourself and quit putting up with this never-ending crap from your H. Next time he pings you tell him you've given him dates and times the last two times he asked and he didn't dignify it with a response, so he needs to find his own vet.
Get off the roller coaster.
Its like touching hot stove...over and over and over again...........
Maybe???
Except that I just really don't care at the moment.
Seriously I thought he was blowing smoke up my arse when he stated he was going to call and make an appointment for the puppy. There is such a long list of things he has stated he would do and didn't.
I'm just not invested either way at the moment... he will do whatever he will do.
Trying to stay busy....
Participated in an online cooking class this week. Had a really nice lunch with MIL yesterday. While she freely brought up other relatives/family she only slipped briefly in mentioned H's name but I just ignored and she quickly went on to other topics. It was really a fun lunch. I then treated myself at a my favorite hole in the wall store in a tiny town for some homemade soap and bath bombs.
It had been a week of NC and then suddenly the text came across from H asking about atty. It was a business questions so I answered with "no".... he went on to text 3 more times over a couple of hours. I did not respond to any of those texts until it was a question again which I replied a simple answer too... he responded to that but I dropped the convo and moved on with my day - that was Tuesday.
I've met some new people and it keeps my life a little more interesting and busy which helps.
Hi KitCat,
Great responses to your MIL and ex! That's certainly progress. Does that imply dating is going well?
Glad to hear that life is treating you nicely. Karma!
Good job on the brief responses, keep it up. He may ramp up the temp checking so be ready for that. If he does he's just checking to make sure you are still plan B. So continue with your brief responses or non-responses to show him you're no one's plan B!
Good job on the brief responses, keep it up. He may ramp up the temp checking so be ready for that. If he does he's just checking to make sure you are still plan B. So continue with your brief responses or non-responses to show him you're no one's plan B!
THANKS... Sadly I just read this a few minutes ago.
Let me just say I was SOOOOO not ready for the load of bricks he dropped off with me this morning. I mean its been months. Months of me working on myself. Months of me thinking... ugh if he would only open up and talk to me... And, then he does.... and I realize I'm so under prepared.
H: You're not happy
H: It wasn't just you. My failure was I was trying to be something I was not. I was trying to fit in an element that was not me. I sold you on someone I wasn't and I failed you at that.
H: I was angry all the time and I lashed out at everyone including my own kids. I won't be in that position again. I failed myself more than anyone else failed me. And I now see things differently, I know what it was doing to me and I won't let it happen again.
H: I have also learned something else... I enjoy playing... really enjoy it... acting like a child/goofy/fun. But you couldn't play.
[???? this was the hardest to follow as we used to be very goofy and had fun but I will admit in the later years I was just so focused on parenting and work and got so incredibly stuck in my head... I didn't even go to my own family's Christmas Eve party last year. My H went alone. I really withdrew from my H and from everyone. So I'm sure I sucked the life out of things then stuck in my own quagmire leaving my H to feel neglected and confused. I own that... I own that for sure.]
H: I am at peace. I have refocused my priorities. Do you want me to look back? What do we have to offer each other?
It soooo incredibly much to take it. As much as my mind is digesting all this I am quite peaceful. I'm not agitated but more perplexed. I still have plans this weekend and will continue to move about as I have been doing.
I would be lying though if I didn't say I was mulling over the "what do we have to offer each other".
I know I know I know.... everyone here will tell me to ignore. It means absolutely nothing.
I read it twice and have no fuching clue what he’s talking about.
Hi KC,
Did you respond to any of this? Or was it just one-sided texts from him?
I guess he was drunk texting you? BecAuse I didn’t understand a word of that either
Ok. After the fourth time it sounds like he’s blaming you for everything and bragging about how happy he is now and will never let someone fail him again. Then lastly he tried to bait you in.
Just validate him. “You sound like you’re at peace. I am happy for you”.
IDK... because I know him I have more context?
1st text... he feels he was trying to be someone he thought I needed him to be rather than being truthful to who he was... therefore he failed me and was trying to say I was not solely to blame for the implosion of our marriage.
2nd text... because he was not true to himself he was just angry all the time... and he failed himself... ie is taking the blame for it over my failing him. His eyes are open and he will not put himself in that position again.... this is consistent with what he told me at BD.... he will never give me the chance to hurt him again. If he risked it and I hurt him again he would never survive.
3rd text.... threw me for a freaking loop.. He learned something new about himself... he loves playing?? I won't lie I had to ask "playing?"... then he clarified being child like, goofy.
Ok, we used to be that way... we had stupid nick names and did stupid stuff in the store together... but parenting and work and I got so freaking stuck in my head... yes I withdrew... yes he was miserable.
So stupidly I texted ... we used to... I want to... I realize that now.... that was dumb of me but the whole playing text was unexpected.
4th text... I have no clue... I'm grateful he has peace but what the heck does "do I want him to look backward?" Well of course I do. We had 10yr and it wasn't all bad. What does "what do we have to offer each other" I don't get that either. He doesn't see value in me?
^^^^ I said nothing... I'm perplexed and stayed silent.
As for who my husband became when he figured out his true self... when we married we both wanted a lakehouse to retire too... over the years my husband got more into hunting. Right now his dream is to backpack a year in Brooks Ridge and live off the land for year. Do a hunt in Africa. I felt I supported him in these things but perhaps he still felt I was holding him back? Or maybe he felt guilt for no longer wanting a lakehouse???
IDK... I can say I respected my husband for his personal journey to what he felt was the best version of him but he was still conflicted I wouldn't want to be with him??? I mean I can't ask him so I'm just perplexed. Yes, I would have loved the man he feels destined to be... I was NOT running from him and whether he realizes it or not I knew these changes BEFORE he left. I do not LOVE that he left and hooked up with OW... perhaps he feels she can support and live his dreams but I cannot??? Again, can't ask so won't know.
He was not drunk. He was at work.
It is what it is.
Truthfully I think he enjoys messing with you. Every time you engage you lose. He’s basically telling you he is playful with his girlfriend and likes it.
Peek in on the new Steve’s thread. You and him have a lot in common. His w loves messing with him.
NC starting now.
Truthfully I think he enjoys messing with you. Every time you engage you lose. He’s basically telling you he is playful with his girlfriend and likes it.
Peek in on the new Steve’s thread. You and him have a lot in common. His w loves messing with him.
NC starting now.
I'm sure you're right, but part of me feels it's not necessarily on purpose?
And it's a big deal that he said I was not entirely to blame for the implosion. Every little thing was my fault 8mo ago. It's almost like roles have reversed where I carried all the blame and saw all my faults magnified that torr us apart... and he is like saying it's his fault for trying to be something he wasn't because he thought that's what I wanted.
There is no logic him back so its completely dumb for me to text him that I always accepted him for who he truly was and being truly who he was is why I loved him so much.
Weird though... he never speaks a word of OW. I mean he could easily be an arse and say why that what makes OW so awesome cause he gets him and wants to do every thing he does. I've never been able to tell if he is protective of her or trying to protect me by not saying a word about her.
Well I won't get those answers.... so yeah... NC.
You are going to be spinning for sure tonight.
You are going to be spinning for sure tonight.
I hope not... I need some sleep.
But, yes the last text got me... but he is saying he is at peace... and then asked what do we have to offer each other.... that is just his way, though badly of saying in his opinion he is moving forward and we just don't work anymore.
That makes sense with the text that I'm not solely to blame, he blames himself for trying to be something he is not.... though the whole playful comment was NOT needed... you're right LH it was him saying that he and OW are playful.
NC it is.
It’s annoying for sure. He’s taking the blame but not really. If he changes his mind you’ll know. You got some things off your chest you’ve been dying to say so I guess that’s good.
Tomorrow’s another day.
You can DB well 99 times, but that one time of misstepping will erase all that. This is why we encouraged you to block his texts. Those we currently see posting on this site that struggle the most are the ones trying to DB halfway. Until you learn to quit jumping everytime he snaps his fingers then you'll continue to struggle.
I slept pretty good last night.
UGH... still this morning.... its like I WANT to/NEED to answer his question. "what do we have to offer each other". Its the last thing he said and its stuck in my head like a cheesey campaign slogan.
Sure, I've mentally made that list... erased it... wrote it again... scrached it out...
I know I cannot say that ONE thing and he suddenly goes --- hmmm, your right. That does make sense and work. So knowing that I sit on my hands and do nothing.
Anything I do type he then reads and files away. If I leave him in silence eventually his subconscious will stew on the fact that I must have agreed with him... and then he is left to think all the reasons I am not right for agreeing with him. Only when he comes through this on his own might he even come to the realization that I knew him all along. He did not suddenly change to this new person he thinks he is now. I already met him years ago. I accepted him as being the best version of himself --- AND, I did not run. I supported him. He had the latest hunting gear and I did not compete with him when he wanted to use half of his vacation time for himself and hunting. He dreams of back packing Brooks Ridge for a year.... I can man down the fort alone and make that happen. You want a partner in crime on your adventure I would do what I needed to your biggest assest and not hold you back.
I get it.
You love being playful with OW. You feel OW will compliment you better on your Alaska adventure.
There is nothing I can do to change your mind. You will either come to the conclusion yourself or you won't. In the meantime I cannot contact you and I have to go about living my own life.
He does love these kind games. He know you are sitting here. Spending your mental energy on that question, pondering thinking of him, and OW.
He’s getting his rocks off knowing you are wasting your mental energy on him. He knows it, he doesn’t have to see it.
You keep giving him what he wants. And even though you aren’t answering, he knows you are reading and spinning. But if you just blocked him, you would have nothing to read, spin, or ponder over. And he wouldn’t get off. And you might hve an ounce of leave and no ounces of false hope.
Show yourself some love and block him already. If he wants you, he will truly come get you. He won’t mess with your mind. He will be a man and make it happen .
Lol I knew you would spin.
Here’s the thing KK. The majority of the people are on this board because there is only one answer to that question and not one fuching person on this board will answer it right. Until you’re able to answer it correctly you will continue to suffer.
“We have nothing to offer each other. That ship has sailed.”
I read his texts as he has moved on.
He expressed how miserable he was and has realized it was not all your fault. However it still doesn’t negate the fact he was miserable. He’s asking you if you are actually selfish enough to expect him to endure that again (do you want me to look back to the the life I just explained to you was miserable for me?).
He’s set you free and wants you to move on.
Wow. Thornton great insight. I read it 4 times but after I read your post it makes sense.
Wow. Thornton great insight. I read it 4 times but after I read your post it makes sense.
Yup. If I got anything out of his texts, I got what Thornton said .
He is done. He apologized for his part, but he’s moving on now.
KK,
I think it may be time to tell him you hear what he is saying validate his feelings and send him his apology. Then block him and let your lawyers handle it.
If he’s still miserable in a few years he will for the first time think that maybe you weren’t the problem. I read once where recons are high if the person was breaking up with the situation and not the person.
Like G-Money said “if he changes his mind he will let you know”.
KC... I think he has said all he wants to say. There is no going back for him and he doesn’t see being with you in his future. He didn’t say that on a whim. He’s not angry anymore but he is done. You need to accept it and move on...for your own sake.
Re: him not mentioning OW to you. My XH NEVER mentioned OW to me. Even now that we’ve been divorced for almost a year and they are engaged, he rarely mentions her. I think that is for a couple of reasons. The first is that XH and I only really communicate about our kids. The second is that he knows, deep down inside, that cheating on me and ending our marriage the way he did was a d!ck thing to do and he doesn’t want to remind me of it and risk bringing up any bad feelings between us and setting us back.
Time heals if you let it KC. I was despondent when my H left. Couldn’t eat or sleep. Didn’t think I would ever, ever get past it let alone open up my heart to anyone else. I was wrong on both counts. Don’t be afraid to drop the rope and move forward. There is great relief in letting go and moving forward. You can be happy again. I promise. (((HUGS)))
KK,
Something I use in my sitch - is to evaluate whether or not what's happened has actually changed anything.
I know the last thing you want to hear is that these texts don't matter but, they don't, at all.
You already knew your husband was withdrawn, you knew he was not leaning toward recon, you knew he had OW, you knew everything that was going on and guess what, you were doing better.
So after these texts what has changed? Honestly nothing. Everything is the exact same as it was before these texts.
Not better but not worse either.
It changes nothing and I mean this in a good way.
I hope this makes sense and helps you a bit.
Also remember, just because he says something doesn't make it absolute.
Maybe you are playful, fun, a great partner and someone willing to support all his adventures and an amazing person.
He doesn't define you.
Thanks EVERYONE!!!
I'm human. Of course I want to say something to him... it vacillates between -
*** I respect your journey in finding that person within in you that you are most happy with. That's an incredibly attractive thing to do. I too have taken time for self discovery to become the best version of me. I'm not looking to change your priorities or to take away your peace, but I believe we still have a lot to offer each other.
^^^^ LAME, DESPERATE and NEEDY
*** I'm happy that you have found peace. Its not really my job to sell you on what value I add to your life and while I have a list of what I feel you bring to mine I'm not going to leave it in a text message.
^^^^ ANGRY, SAD, BITTER
Neither work. I know that. So I say nothing. I leave it to the crickets. If he truly wanted an answer... he would contact me again. I'm 100% certain that I will hear from in 7 days and it will be "have you heard from you atty?"
Going to keep trudging forward and working on myself.
When in doubt, stay quiet. If more LBSs would do that there would be more reconciliations. It isn't a guarantee of recon but it sure increases the odds.
When in doubt, stay quiet. If more LBSs would do that there would be more reconciliations. It isn't a guarantee of recon but it sure increases the odds.
Yes... When in doubt DO NOTHING... which ironically is THE hardest thing to do.
Even more ironic is I just saw my atty... she is a client of mine (as now I'm also a client of hers... lol) She confirmed she does have all my paperwork - dropped off 2 weeks ago. Its been a very busy time for her and she will get to it. I just said no worries.
Happy Halloween! When in doubt, eat candy tonight, but in moderation.
Happy Halloween! When in doubt, eat candy tonight, but in moderation.
HAHA... no candy... just a half bottle of wine and knitting socks.
I am freaking proud of myself for NOT texting. It is soooooo hard for me to not follow up. One thing since BD that I've really worked hard is NOT having the last word. Not as some ploy but to truly not have the last word. I think that was something I really lacked previously... always trying to have my say.
I realized that my H even post BD and separation that he doesn't like to say no to me... I think this is because any time he would say no I would behave in a manner to try to convince him otherwise (via talking/making my point) and I realized months ago how unattractive that was and no wonder my H felt bullied. I didn't trust him to do anything.
The true ironic thing is I really wanted him to tell me no. We went mattress shopping and I looked at him and said "what do you want?". AND he literally said "its up to you". UGH... so I bought the *&#@^ bed that neither of us ended up liking and we both know what bed he wanted... I just want to burn that freaking bed.
I digress - most likely the wine
Well out have a late lunch - not really dressed up but looking nicely put together. Again, told I look 35... hey I'll take it but today well my back feels 45... lol
Totally got checked out by some random guy in the place.... winning!!!
I know totally lame but thing have been so crappy for so long - made me smile.
KC, great job in not replying to him! I know that had to be tough but it was the right thing to do. I agree with what everyone else told you, I read it as him explaining to you why you two are done and that he is moving on and happy. I think he's trying to convince himself more than you. His last question "Do you want me to look back? What do we have to offer each other?" sounds rhetorical to me. I don't think he was genuinely asking you because he wanted a response, but rather was just saying "wouldn't you agree that we have nothing to offer each other?" Sometimes the WAS will send out a stream-of-conscience message like that. It doesn't mean anything, his mind is all over the place and he just landed on that briefly and decided to send it out to temp check you. Literally ANY response whether positive or negative would have cemented your spot as Plan B. No response is perfect, because now he's really confused. Now he feels Plan B slipping away, and what if Plan A isn't so great after all? Which it isn't, because if it was then he wouldn't have sent that in the first place.
Anyway you are FINALLY getting it! Good job
KC, great job in not replying to him! I know that had to be tough but it was the right thing to do. I agree with what everyone else told you, I read it as him explaining to you why you two are done and that he is moving on and happy. I think he's trying to convince himself more than you. His last question "Do you want me to look back? What do we have to offer each other?" sounds rhetorical to me. I don't think he was genuinely asking you because he wanted a response, but rather was just saying "wouldn't you agree that we have nothing to offer each other?" Sometimes the WAS will send out a stream-of-conscience message like that. It doesn't mean anything, his mind is all over the place and he just landed on that briefly and decided to send it out to temp check you. Literally ANY response whether positive or negative would have cemented your spot as Plan B. No response is perfect, because now he's really confused. Now he feels Plan B slipping away, and what if Plan A isn't so great after all? Which it isn't, because if it was then he wouldn't have sent that in the first place.
Anyway you are FINALLY getting it! Good job
Thanks AS...
I'm having an absolute horrid night. I feel so devastated... completely gutted.
I know I'm not supposed to be spinning... but the whole sentiment about how he learned something else about himself - that he likes playing AND how LH pointed out he was really saying he likes "playing" with OW... and how he went on to say "But, you couldn't play"... It's like a 1000 daggers.
He doesn't remember having those great times with me...
He texts that he was so angry all the time and lashed out at everyone including his own kids... THAT CAN'T BE ALL ON ME... has he forgotten that his XW with held his kids not once but twice for MONTHS at a time. I always had his back. Endless atty appts, court dates, CPS calling. OMG I had to live that nightmare too you know. It killed him and I had to pick up the pieces.
But, living here with me??? That was the cause of all the misery??? When will he wake up?
I get it... up until this last text slew it was 100% I neglected him... I rejected him as the cause of our problems, BUT now he actually typed it wasn't all my fault.
That means some real truth is starting to sink in???
Sorry. I'm having one of the worst nights in a very long time.
2-5 years KK. Read up on the “fading effect bias”.
Hi KC,
I'm sorry you're having a rough night. (I am too, nothing to do with my H, flipping out about the state of our country, but that is a whole other story line!!!)
When you're feeling like this-- can you focus on the reasons you're better off alone? Do you have any go-to self- care options you can pull on? Comfort TV show or movie, food item, book, cuddly blanket and cup of tea? We all have these days and the more you can find those tried-and-true methods to pull yourself out of it, the better.
((KC))
2-5 years KK. Read up on the “fading effect bias”.
I'm familiar with the effect.
In the meantime I woke up back to where I was many months ago with shear anxiety.
I want to scream at him... you blocked me on FB? you think I don't know what your passions are? you feel that I don't add any value to your life?
Then I want to turn around and say "got some free prevention meds for puppy from drug rep" I'll get them sent to you.
YES - I'm seriously face palming myself right now.
Hi KC,
I'm sorry you're having a rough night. (I am too, nothing to do with my H, flipping out about the state of our country, but that is a whole other story line!!!)
When you're feeling like this-- can you focus on the reasons you're better off alone? Do you have any go-to self- care options you can pull on? Comfort TV show or movie, food item, book, cuddly blanket and cup of tea? We all have these days and the more you can find those tried-and-true methods to pull yourself out of it, the better.
((KC))
Thank you....
I was in such a bad spot last night that I pulled out some cross stitch project that I finished in 2011... lol... pulled out my sewing machine and finally got it constructed into a wall hanging. Its rare I sew anything as its just a pain to pull out the machine and establish some work space. It turned out fantastic.... and it kept me busy for hours.
I've been so checked out for months. Don't get me wrong. I did vote yesterday. But its rare if the TV is on at all post BD. I haven't watched the news in 8mo. Between BD... stress of COVID and the riots earlier this year (and who knows what's to come next).... I completely disengaged. Its TOOO PAINFUL.
If you remember back with my H's texts - he does not have internet... he does not own a tv.... THESE THINGS are complete 180's for us both. Now I have internet AND frankly he does too --- its called his cell phone. He just doesn't have traditional computer/internet. He was online gaming TONS when he lived here. I let him be as it was how he decompressed from his long commute and 12hr days.
Now he fills his time staying busy in his "workshop" at his new home. I'm sure he is happier staying physically busy than glued in front of tv/computer screen. But he is equating his happiness to NOT being with me... AND he gets to be playful with OW... his life is grand.
UGH... now I'm right back it. Sorry I will get my crap together in a couple of days again.
Sorry you’re struggling, Kit.
I think this just reinforces the need for you to go NC. What you don’t know, can’t hurt you.
KC, I get the sense that you, like me, like to be in control. And you get supremely frustrated when you are not, and that frustration sometimes turns into panic. I can relate, but one of the first things I worked on in my own sitch was dropping control. Understanding I had no control over her or her decisions not only was freeing (I have become less of a control freak in the 3 years since my sitch!), but it helped me really let go and DB well (notice, not perfectly, but well).
At this point you should be full blown LRT. It is tailor fit for situations like yours.
KC, I get the sense that you, like me, like to be in control. And you get supremely frustrated when you are not, and that frustration sometimes turns into panic. I can relate, but one of the first things I worked on in my own sitch was dropping control. Understanding I had no control over her or her decisions not only was freeing (I have become less of a control freak in the 3 years since my sitch!), but it helped me really let go and DB well (notice, not perfectly, but well).
At this point you should be full blown LRT. It is tailor fit for situations like yours.
Yes - my H felt very controlled especially in the later years. I do have a strong personality - sort of divide and conquer to get things done. I've spent the last several months not wanting him to feel so controlled. I've dug deep to see the root of my control issues so I can address that. And, I really have. I've truly made progress.
I completely understand that I can only control myself. I cannot control my H but I would be dishonest if I said I hadn't been more hopeful that with time and space he could have started to really see ME again. I worked on doing lots of exercises to rewire my brain because I don't want to be that control freak --- I want to let him lead. I want to make sure he feels heard.
Regardless, again yesterday TONS of compliments on my physical appearance and who I am these day. It feels good to I suppose to be validated for the work I've been doing but it would be a complete and utter lie if I said it didn't bother me that H never notices because it does.
He has this narrative in his head that he "sold" me a version of himself to get me but that its not who he really is... but here is the kicker... I knew him... I truly knew him... avid hunter, fisher, harley rider, living off the grid... and I still loved him and wanted him to have those things. He felt conflicted living in a high end home with an HOA... I was slow to change (its in my Meyers Briggs) but change I was doing but slowly. I just needed a lot of hand holding and support but he took that to mean that I wasn't really interested in... would I have bought myself a fancy Harley Helmet for $250 if I wasn't interested??? UGH.
I hate that this is all "too little too late".
I'm digressing again. Yes, I'm letting loose on my control.
KK,
Boy I’m a glutton for punishment. You don’t listen very well. He can’t see anything but the diabolical KK who is trying to suck in back into the miserable marriage.
What time and space have you gave him? You guys talk more then most married couples?
Right now he is super happy in his new relationship. That he has made clear. Who knows how he will feel 2-5 years down the road?
The real problem KK is you know you weren’t your best self and that eats away at you. You know you could’ve been more supportive, less controlling and more playful and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. I get it. But this pain you are going through is how you grow and how you make those changes permanent so you hopefully never experience this pain again.
I'm having an absolute horrid night. I feel so devastated... completely gutted.
I know I'm not supposed to be spinning... but the whole sentiment about how he learned something else about himself - that he likes playing AND how LH pointed out he was really saying he likes "playing" with OW... and how he went on to say "But, you couldn't play"... It's like a 1000 daggers.
KC, let me give you a scenario. Car A is driving down the road behind car B. The light turns yellow and they both speed up to run it. Then car B chickens out and slams on their brakes. Car A sees it too late and hits car B. B blames A for trying to run the light, driving too close and going too fast. A blames B for speeding up and then slamming on their brakes, and for stopping when it looked like they were committed to go. Who's fault is it? It is really easy for anyone not directly invested in that situation to clearly see both people were at fault. They both did things wrong and that resulted in an outcome that neither of them wanted. Either one of them could have done something differently that would have yielded a different outcome, but they didn't.
You're one driver, your H the other. Your M is the accident. Was it your fault? Was it his? It was BOTH of you. Could you have done something to change the outcome? Could he? Yes you BOTH could have. But neither of you did, the accident happened, and now you deal with the aftermath rather than going back and reliving the accident over and over again to dissect why it happened, who's fault it was and whether you should have done something differently.
He doesn't remember having those great times with me...
Does this surprise you? You do remember all our talk about "rewriting of history"? I can't remember if I've told you this but imagine all the good things that happened in the M are written in blue on a sheet of paper and all the bad things in red (this is like that "magic trick" we all played as kids with the filtered glasses). For about a year or two after BD you have red glasses on that block out all the red writing, you can only see the blue things. He has blue glasses on and only sees the red things. THIS IS HOW IT IS. And this is how it will be for quite some time. Eventually you'll BOTH lose the glasses and have a more realistic view of the M.
He texts that he was so angry all the time and lashed out at everyone including his own kids... THAT CAN'T BE ALL ON ME... has he forgotten that his XW with held his kids not once but twice for MONTHS at a time. I always had his back. Endless atty appts, court dates, CPS calling. OMG I had to live that nightmare too you know. It killed him and I had to pick up the pieces.
So why would you want someone back that has zero appreciation for all that you did in the M? ^^^All of that^^^ has a lot more to do with him than you, don't you think?
But, living here with me??? That was the cause of all the misery??? When will he wake up?
Years from now. IF HE EVER DOES. He may very well NEVER wake up. 25 doesn't post here anymore, but have you read her sitch? Sounds a lot like yours. She DB'd like crazy and actually did recon with her H. He continued to be the same horrible husband and father and person he was before, during and after BD and she eventually left him. In his case he never did "wake up" to his personal faults. She changed, but he never did.
I get it... up until this last text slew it was 100% I neglected him... I rejected him as the cause of our problems, BUT now he actually typed it wasn't all my fault.
That means some real truth is starting to sink in???
I think you're misunderstanding him, he's not accepting blame. He still thinks it's all your fault. Anything he did wrong he hangs on you as the reason for it.
KC, I get the sense that you, like me, like to be in control. And you get supremely frustrated when you are not, and that frustration sometimes turns into panic. I can relate, but one of the first things I worked on in my own sitch was dropping control. Understanding I had no control over her or her decisions not only was freeing (I have become less of a control freak in the 3 years since my sitch!), but it helped me really let go and DB well (notice, not perfectly, but well).
At this point you should be full blown LRT. It is tailor fit for situations like yours.
Yes - my H felt very controlled especially in the later years. I do have a strong personality - sort of divide and conquer to get things done. I've spent the last several months not wanting him to feel so controlled. I've dug deep to see the root of my control issues so I can address that. And, I really have. I've truly made progress.
I completely understand that I can only control myself. I cannot control my H but I would be dishonest if I said I hadn't been more hopeful that with time and space he could have started to really see ME again. I worked on doing lots of exercises to rewire my brain because I don't want to be that control freak --- I want to let him lead. I want to make sure he feels heard.
Regardless, again yesterday TONS of compliments on my physical appearance and who I am these day. It feels good to I suppose to be validated for the work I've been doing but it would be a complete and utter lie if I said it didn't bother me that H never notices because it does.
He has this narrative in his head that he "sold" me a version of himself to get me but that its not who he really is... but here is the kicker... I knew him... I truly knew him... avid hunter, fisher, harley rider, living off the grid... and I still loved him and wanted him to have those things. He felt conflicted living in a high end home with an HOA... I was slow to change (its in my Meyers Briggs) but change I was doing but slowly. I just needed a lot of hand holding and support but he took that to mean that I wasn't really interested in... would I have bought myself a fancy Harley Helmet for $250 if I wasn't interested??? UGH.
I hate that this is all "too little too late".
I'm digressing again. Yes, I'm letting loose on my control.
Sorry KC, but you are putting a bandaid (exerises rewire your brain) on a gaping wound (being a control freak). There was only way I was able to break that cycle: IC
I cannot believe you are admitting (hoping time and space would make him see you again, and wanting him to notice you) all of that in light of us knowing that you are dating. THAT IS WHY YOU WERE NOT READY TO DATE.
Anyway, I am back to being a broken record with you. Sorry. At this point I think you know what you should do. I just don't think you want to do it.
But, living here with me??? That was the cause of all the misery??? When will he wake up?
Years from now. IF HE EVER DOES. He may very well NEVER wake up. 25 doesn't post here anymore, but have you read her sitch? Sounds a lot like yours. She DB'd like crazy and actually did recon with her H. He continued to be the same horrible husband and father and person he was before, during and after BD and she eventually left him. In his case he never did "wake up" to his personal faults. She changed, but he never did.
I think it is AS that also says that sometimes it takes the new relationship having to hit the skids before the WAS wakes up to the fact that the LBS wasn't the cause of all the misery. It goes something like this:
- WAS is miserable
- WAS blames LBS
- WAS separates/divorces/starts a PA with someone new
- WAS eventually realizes that though they are with someone else they are still miserable
- WAS realizes that LBS wasn't the cause of their misery
Here is the thing, that doesn't mean he'll want to get back together which I know you are still banking on.
And then there is this: Why is your self-esteem so low that you would be willing to allow this man to do all of this to you, and then "wake-up" and come back? It saddens me that KC doesn't see the truth (you weren't the cause of his misery) and that you are no longer willing to take him back because he engaged in a deal-breaker (cheating).
Wow. Just realized that I think I had this same discussion with you about 8 months ago.
KC im in that same canoe going down the same creek, My W blamed me for all her unhappiness and thinks OM will fix her happiness which is why she has destroyed everything we built. Its not just you, WW/WH whatever are not healthy people. Sure, "hopefully" they will hit the skids as steve said and their relationship will fail. That don't stop them from going to someone else and not back to us even if it does fail and maybe they picked someone better for them, and I think in time if we do enough work we can too. I know this is not what we want to hear but its the facts.
I think it is AS that also says that sometimes it takes the new relationship having to hit the skids before the WAS wakes up to the fact that the LBS wasn't the cause of all the misery. It goes something like this:
- WAS is miserable
- WAS blames LBS
- WAS separates/divorces/starts a PA with someone new
- WAS eventually realizes that though they are with someone else they are still miserable
- WAS realizes that LBS wasn't the cause of their misery
Yes exactly, but it takes me like 3 times as many words to say the same thing
KK,
Boy I’m a glutton for punishment. You don’t listen very well. He can’t see anything but the diabolical KK who is trying to suck in back into the miserable marriage.
What time and space have you gave him? You guys talk more then most married couples?
Right now he is super happy in his new relationship. That he has made clear. Who knows how he will feel 2-5 years down the road?
The real problem KK is you know you weren’t your best self and that eats away at you. You know you could’ve been more supportive, less controlling and more playful and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. I get it. But this pain you are going through is how you grow and how you make those changes permanent so you hopefully never experience this pain again.
I hear you.
Just a MAJOR Fing setback last night... carry over to this morning.
I know he can't "SEE" me right now. But, I'm still sufferring from not being "SEEN" right now. Who knows how he will feel tonight, next week, next month or next year. I get that.
I know that healing isn't linear and setbacks happen. I also accept that outside things happening right now are probably also triggering this setback.
You are 100% correct. ALL I CAN SEE is each and every time I was less than loving - sure I was tired, frustrated and grouchy but snapping at someone who is just trying to make it better is not being your best self. I miss being playful with him but I accpet that sometimes he was just mean - he was tired, stressed. That meanness hurt and I would behave less than nice just validating his meanness. The stupid part we both loved each until... until he just didn't.
Realize that I'm just rambling on today. This is my crutch... keeping it here and not screwing up LRT.
Oh KitCat, I am sorry you are having a rough go of it right now.
You have been given some really good advice, over and over on this forum, but I know in my own situation that it took looking at it from many different angles for me to see it for what it is and truly strive towards detachment.
I believe you are struggling with everything everyone is suggesting you are in the above posts. However, looking at you from a 30,000' outsider's perspective, here is what I see:
1. You are hurting deeply with the pain of rejection, so much so that it is completely defining you and limiting your ability to move into healing.
2. You have gotten so co-dependent within your R that you can't separate yourself from your WAH.
3. H has way too much power over you. No one should ever have that much power over you, ever.
4. You subconsciously believe that you will never meet a match like H. This is hindering your growth and the opportunities to move on into healing and meeting a new person.
Please consider a full-hearted, aggressive, try-everything approach to finding yourself again. You have no idea what will work or what will not, so I would try EVERYTHING. Here's my list of things I tried (ignore what doesn't fit your style):
1. Therapy is a must. Definitely talk and/or PTSD/tapping/EFT-- go twice a week if you must for a while
2. GAL
3. Bodywork (massage, reiki, etc)
4. Spiritual healers
5. Psychics/tarot/astrology
6. Church, if you are religious
7. Lean on your real-life community to talk, keep you busy, distract you
8. Journaling
9. Goal-making
10. NO CONTACT WITH H
The last one is a must until you are fully detached. And you will know when you are detached. You won't have to prove it to us or to anyone else, it will just be who you are.
(((KitCat)))
KitCat you and I are really similar in how attached we are to our spouses.
I am so sorry your going through this, I know it probably doesn't help much but I also cant help but blame this 100% on me too. It cant be the case, eventually the spouses will see it was them too but I think you and I need to let go of control on that who knows when that might happen. Probably no time soon. Sorry but I since last night ive accepted it after spending the day with no kids. I don't know what point you will get there, but it will come. I feel better I have let go of trying to save this, but it still hurts a lot either way for the time being.
So I am not turning this into some political bashing...
So its S19 first presidential election... I think he may have just voted X. Shocked me for sure.. didn't see it coming. Now I want to text H...
Me: Well you raised him for 10yr and he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him. Maybe you should check in with him sometime.
^^^ Of course did not send. This is not the first text like this I wanted to send. S19 has had a lot of food issues/sensory issues his whole life... H got him to try some pretty radical stuff and as S19 was in his first few weeks of living away at school he is telling me what he tries to eat every day which is HUGE for this kid... AND, again I want to text and thank my H for this... I never pushed food issues with my S19 (mostly because he had other issues and they were a priority... not eating food doesn't keep you out of school... biting people does... LOL!)
Anyway thanks for letting me leave it here.
Im glad you didn't reach out, I know its hard, good job.
Love Sage4's post, great stuff!
Me: Well you raised him for 10yr and he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him. Maybe you should check in with him sometime.
First, very glad you didn't send this. Second, I'm curious if you think this is a positive comment? Or do you see it for the passive/aggressive comment it really is? I suspect you don't see it, so I'll break it down.
"he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him"
Implication is that you do not approve of S's voting choice, and you blame H for it.
"Maybe you should check in with him sometime."
Implication is that he has abandoned S and should feel guilty for it.
What makes it passive/aggressive is you don't overtly say these things, you bury them as implications in a way that you can take the "plausible deniability" path if he says something. For example, if he responds "are you trying to imply I don't contact S enough?" Then you can say "oh no that's not what I meant at all, he just misses you." It's a very shady statement and 100% not the sort of thing you want to be sending to a WAS (or anyone else for that matter).
S19 has had a lot of food issues/sensory issues his whole life... H got him to try some pretty radical stuff and as S19 was in his first few weeks of living away at school he is telling me what he tries to eat every day which is HUGE for this kid... AND, again I want to text and thank my H for this...
Now that would be more of a positive statement. I wouldn't text it, but put it in your pocket and maybe mention it to H sometime if/when you see him. "Oh, just wanted to say that S has been telling me about the food options he's exploring as a result of his conversations with you and that I'm glad you helped him with that." Just positive reinforcement and that's it. No "he sure does miss you" or "I wish you would talk to him more" or anything like that.
Love Sage4's post, great stuff!
Me: Well you raised him for 10yr and he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him. Maybe you should check in with him sometime.
First, very glad you didn't send this. Second, I'm curious if you think this is a positive comment? Or do you see it for the passive/aggressive comment it really is? I suspect you don't see it, so I'll break it down.
"he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him"
Implication is that you do not approve of S's voting choice, and you blame H for it.
"Maybe you should check in with him sometime."
Implication is that he has abandoned S and should feel guilty for it.
What makes it passive/aggressive is you don't overtly say these things, you bury them as implications in a way that you can take the "plausible deniability" path if he says something. For example, if he responds "are you trying to imply I don't contact S enough?" Then you can say "oh no that's not what I meant at all, he just misses you." It's a very shady statement and 100% not the sort of thing you want to be sending to a WAS (or anyone else for that matter).
S19 has had a lot of food issues/sensory issues his whole life... H got him to try some pretty radical stuff and as S19 was in his first few weeks of living away at school he is telling me what he tries to eat every day which is HUGE for this kid... AND, again I want to text and thank my H for this...
Now that would be more of a positive statement. I wouldn't text it, but put it in your pocket and maybe mention it to H sometime if/when you see him. "Oh, just wanted to say that S has been telling me about the food options he's exploring as a result of his conversations with you and that I'm glad you helped him with that." Just positive reinforcement and that's it. No "he sure does miss you" or "I wish you would talk to him more" or anything like that.
Yes - my statement was poorly worded for sure!! I was just putting it here and definitely if I had sent would have been more careful with word choices since texting is a horrible WAY of talking - no tone or body language.
Regardless I would NOT want to be appearing as passive aggressive....
When I thought my son voted X which would have been from H's influence not mine my thoughts were to let him know what an influence he has had on S19 for 10yr... not in any bad way what so ever. H voted X I voted Y and my S19 is free to vote where he feels comfortable but funny that he would vote X... apparently over time absorbing more of H than H or I would have guessed. ANYWAY it was not to be negative at all.
Secondly when I last saw H in person he asked about S19. I answered, was upbeat and positive but I should have reminded him he can reach out to S19 too but for some reason did not say that. While I am mind reading H NEVER reaches out to S19 I suppose from guilt... and he just wants to rip off the band aid and move on. Its crushed S19 though he will never utter that out loud. But, you are 100% correct. I would never want to guilt H into contacting S19. I would love for it to be organic... IDK what to do there.... Suggestions???
AND, the day S19 was telling me about his food plans I knew the credit for that was 100% my H... he pushed for that and S19 I suppose in wanting to be liked by this man did his best. He ate squirrel heart... WHAT??? Can't get this kid to mashed potatoes. He ate deer heart... WHAT??? He's at college eating vegetables and I'm like oh really? Good for you!!! I would love more than anything to tell H thank you and it was all his influence. But, I get that I can't.
So anyway... AS thank you for pointing out that how it was written was passive aggressive. I'm pretty much the queen of passive aggressive and something that I've been working on for some time.
KC, even in all of these well-meaning posts, I still see you spending too much time justifying your answers in terms of what it may or may not mean to H.
Where are YOU in all of this?
Who cares if you are a little passive aggressive in what you would hypothetically text to H? You are not going to text him anyway, right? Your personal growth is not going to be achieved by nitpicking at every single thing you did wrong in the M, nor what H did wrong or right in the M. That is an exercise in futility. That is you trying to pretzel yourself into a person who fits a M that no longer exists. That M is over, never to return.
You get to reinvent yourself now. You can be anyone you want! Who is the best person for KC to be for herself?
Start with you. Start here. Start now.
You would love for exH to reach out to S19, but you want it to be organic. Then you ask for suggestions? That’s not so organic. When and if he feels comfortable doing so, he will. Without you telling him it’s OK. He is a big boy. He doesn’t need your Ok to do it if he wants to.
And maybe your son is growing into a man deciding that he wants to try new things. Why are you desperate to give that credit to your STBXH? Give it to your son for being a man and going outside of his comfort zone!
You say you are suffering for not being seen. I understand that must be difficult for you, because I truly think you believe things would be different if he could “see you now”. But he doesn’t want to “see you” or he does “see you” but right now it doesn’t change anything for him.
And it’s a really tough pill to swallow and I’m sorry. But the only thing you can do now is keep the focus off of him and proving things to him, and just live life the way you feel is right and the only person who really needs to see you, is you.
"Maybe you should check in with him sometime."
Sounds like those controlling impulses are still alive and well.
"Maybe you should check in with him sometime."
Sounds like those controlling impulses are still alive and well.
I get what everyone is saying.
As for giving my H credit - he really is responsible for challenging my son in regards to food. At the end of the day I didn't have time. I was a single mom the first 8yr of a child on the spectrum.... I worked my arse off this with kid from the time he was 2yr old. 2-3hr of therapy a week which was 2hr drive... therapist 2-3 times a week. He did mainstream school without interventions which was a lot of work in itself. At the end of the day he ate 5 things... at least he ate something and only eating 5 things didn't keep him out of school. S19 will tell you that it was H... and it was a battle in the early years and I wrongly intervened (there are whys to that without going into details of his issues).
ANYWAY - doesn't really matter.
It just breaks your heart. I'm not the only parent who's partner walked out on them AND the kids. At least mine are adults now. Its just that S19 won't reach out because he's gutted and feels rejected. I'm not trying to control anyone save trying to control my kids pain AND that's the MOM in me.
I accept the benefits S19 got from H. I accept the loss that S19 feels at this time. NOTHING else for me to do.
What I have found with kids and food is that kids will not starve to death. They will eventually eat what they are given to eat. The problem is that parents are willing to bend over backwards to accommodate their kids. Don't get me started on my relatives and the hoops we all have to jump through so they'll eat. GRRRRRRR
In the craziness of my life went to meet friend for dinner in another town. Friend didn't show up... texted and said "friend" said no they weren't coming because they thought I was mad at them??? WHAT??? We just planned this on Monday 2 days ago.
Soooo whatever....
I drove 25min so I went over to the bar side. Very quiet. Just me and one other guy at the bar. I order 1 drink... 1 drink but being a woman and being alone the bartender put in an extra shot and a half of tequila. I ordered dinner and realized I was drunk.
I'm texting my best guy friend because this other friend ditched me... we are chatting and having fun. I'm also texting another good male friend who lives several states away. I'm still having fun and enjoying my time out of the house.
Thank goodness I did NOT drunk text my H.
Instead drunk text a guy that I've been out with twice. Eh' nice time but he comes off a little cold but its still friendly and he talks my ear off. Anyway he let down his guard a bit so it was fun getting to know him a little better... and how he knows I have a weakness for tequila... lol.
Anyway what started out as a bummer of a night turned into a great deal of fun... and yes, I ubered home.
What I have found with kids and food is that kids will not starve to death. They will eventually eat what they are given to eat. The problem is that parents are willing to bend over backwards to accommodate their kids. Don't get me started on my relatives and the hoops we all have to jump through so they'll eat. GRRRRRRR
That's true unless you've got a kid on spectrum with sensory issues...
Now he eats more than he used to... but its still limited. At the end of the day I just ran out of energy dealing with his horrific gag reflex. I spent my energy on working with him not to bite people cause that keeps you out of school!!!
BLAH... Venting.
Today-
H: Do I have XX credit card?
H: I don't remember opening up this card
UGH ---- business item??? Our CC's are separate but all our other accts are still joint though we are respectful about "his/her" accts.
M: You did 9yr ago.
H: Do you have the card
M: Cancelled 2yr ago
H: Ok, I just wondered how they got my new address.
WAIT, WHAT??? You have received CC stuff in the mail and you are texting me??? How about calling the CC company??? This is not a business item... face palming myself. And, exactly how is it that I would know or care how they got your address???
H: What is your work schedule the next 3 weeks
H: I want to bring in puppy
Face palming again and SWIPING left. OMG.
Home now. Relaxing. Tomorrow is me cleaning the gutters for the first time in 10yr and then raking more leaves. Then off to a photography class followed by meeting someone for drinks at a fun bar.
You have allowed yourself to become his personal secretary.
Do you think that makes him view you as high value or low value?
GAL sounds pretty strong.
You have allowed yourself to become his personal secretary.
Right??? I mean seriously... YOU wanted to leave, to separate everything, to be responsible for yourself and in control of your money... SO WHY BE CALLIN' me??? LOL
I am NOT going down that rabbit hole. Once it dawned on me this was NOT a true business item... silence it was.
Do you think that makes him view you as high value or low value?
I cannot mind read. I have no idea what he thinks of me and it ultimately doesn't matter. He again brings up making an appt for the puppy. Does he truly have no clue that he has already had this text exchange with me TWICE previously? I did not reply. The last 2 times I replied with times that I know would work for his schedule and got crickets. He should still know my work phone number but if not its easily google-able!
The weird part. He is clearly still involved with OW and her life and kids and possibly living with him??? That part I'm not clear about. He made a comment the other day which made it sound like he lived alone. Again, no idea and I'm the stalking type to find out. Soooo... back to my observation. I'm an hour away. Why would she be cool with him bringing the dog to me? You'd think she'd want him to have as little contact as possible???
^^^ Again, not spinning but just an observation that I gave myself 20min to ponder... and then shoulder shrugged.
GAL sounds pretty strong.
I was up early - gutters cleaned, 10 bags of leaves (sadly not much of any dent in the foliage issue), showered, laundry, sorting out some personal items... knit for a bit before heading to photography class. Guy I'm meeting for drinks. I'm intrigued... he's got my attention. Its our third time getting together. I think I might actually like him.
I've got another date lined up tomorrow. I'm really starting to have fun... I totally get I'm using dating as a band aid but again I'm very honest where I'm at. If a guy seem like he might be taking it in the wrong direction I let him know I'm no hook up girl... no harm no foul if thats what he wants but I work hard on being clear and up front.
Maybe OW is secure in their relationship and knows how husband feels about you.
Maybe OW is secure in their relationship and knows how husband feels about you.
Truth
[quote=LH19]You have allowed yourself to become his personal secretary.
Right??? I mean seriously... YOU wanted to leave, to separate everything, to be responsible for yourself and in control of your money... SO WHY BE CALLIN' me??? LOL
I am NOT going down that rabbit hole. Once it dawned on me this was NOT a true business item... silence it was.
Do you think that makes him view you as high value or low value?
I cannot mind read. I have no idea what he thinks of me and it ultimately doesn't matter.
Nice, you realized you can't mind read. I struggled with trying to mind read my WW. Just hurt me more and more. No sense in doing it. Good job.
I kissed a pilot and I liked it..
Smh
No doubt you also drunk posted, KC.
Good luck in the future.
Hi KC
I’ve been ghost following your sitch because we use to comment on each other’s quite a bit months ago.
I just wanted to reach out and ask you as gently as possible if you are truly ok. Your behavior as of late is a tad reckless. From the uptick in drinking, to the marijuana use, to the “making new friends in dating websites” it’s definitely eye opening.
You really seem to be spiraling and half way in denial about it.
You are and have been getting some A+ advice from multiple members on this board, and you seem to really pick and choose who and what you listen to that suits how you are feeling for the day.
I can’t stress this enough that you really should look inside yourself and ask yourself if you are ok.....truly ok.
No one here can make this go away. No one here can make this better. No one here can give you the silver bullet to make this pain and rejection you feel poof and disappear. It’s not going to happen.
But if you, and only you start taking the advice and listening to what you don’t wanna hear you’ll start to heal.
Everyone has told you, you need individual therapy. We know you had a bad experience with it, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t good people out there providing therapy that could really help you.
I hope you start to listen to everyone here. It’s not about saving your marriage, it’s about saving yourself, and the marriage hopefully gets saved in the process because you made real honest changes that last a lifetime that your spouse sees.
Just don’t be surprised when you make these changes that you realize your self worth and you know in your heart the cheating, lying, and manipulation you’ve endured isn’t ok. And it shows what kind of person your H is and you don’t want him back...ever.
I’ll continue to pray for you on the sidelines.
KC, not judging but I think you should watch the video on youtube, its called "Stop trying to make them love you" its by Affair Recovery. A guy named Samuel explains why he had his affair and why he looked for different things to make him feel whole. Baseball, sex, alchohol, drugs and eventually OW. I think it might help you In a couple ways, its helped me detatch and stick to my guns in a way that is free of anger or other negatives. I hope it helps you too.
I've been listening to the advice... I put a lot of pressure on myself and I feel a lot of.pressure when H texts. But he texted again tonight.... and I just swiped left. I didn't even read it.
I'm doing my best to go NC.
What if I'm having fun? Really having fun?? What if GAL for me is getting out and having 2 drinks? I'm not drinking every night. Im not drinking till I pass out. This election has been very polarizing with lifelong friends unfriending each other.
So it was twice this week that I went out- 1 drink on Wednesday which blwas made too strong and 2 drinks on Ssturday... it most likely will be zero next week. I spent 8hr doing yardwork this weekend. Unique photog class at the park. Had a really nice lunch out today. The weather was perfect and it's not often you get to enjoy outside dining this time of the year. Conversation really felt good and was intellectually stimulating.
I think I really like the guy from Saturday. I'm 100% up front that I'm separated... that I'm not D. I'm not pursuing him because I don't want to feel responsible for him getting hurt by anything unintentional. However, if he initiates I will spend time with him.
I'm being told repeatedly how done my H is... I'm doing my best to let him go live his life.
I'm also doing my best to live mine. Of course i appreciate it when anyone wants to pray for me.
I've been listening to the advice... I put a lot of pressure on myself and I feel a lot of.pressure when H texts. But he texted again tonight.... and I just swiped left. I didn't even read it.
I'm doing my best to go NC.
What if I'm having fun? Really having fun?? What if GAL for me is getting out and having 2 drinks? I'm not drinking every night. Im not drinking till I pass out. This election has been very polarizing with lifelong friends unfriending each other.
So it was twice this week that I went out- 1 drink on Wednesday which blwas made too strong and 2 drinks on Ssturday... it most likely will be zero next week. I spent 8hr doing yardwork this weekend. Unique photog class at the park. Had a really nice lunch out today. The weather was perfect and it's not often you get to enjoy outside dining this time of the year. Conversation really felt good and was intellectually stimulating.
I think I really like the guy from Saturday. I'm 100% up front that I'm separated... that I'm not D. I'm not pursuing him because I don't want to feel responsible for him getting hurt by anything unintentional. However, if he initiates I will spend time with him.
I'm being told repeatedly how done my H is... I'm doing my best to let him go live his life.
I'm also doing my best to live mine. Of course i appreciate it when anyone wants to pray for me.
If that’s your version of getting a life than you’re an adult and can make that decision. I just wanted to point out from an outsiders perspective it looks like self medicating more than getting a life. I would just caution that you are mindful of it.
And yes I do hope you are “truly ok” and just “truly getting a life”. I just hope you look back on some of what you say here and realize how all over the place you can be. Again not picking...or making a negative comment, but you argued for pages about a dating app and how you won’t like anyone and are just making friends. Etc. Now you’re out with these “friends” liking them, kissing them and drinking with them. Sure sounds like dating to me.
And I see you skipped over the individual therapy comment.
And I really don’t have any words over the presidental election comment...that was just....yeah
Good luck KC. I’ll probably continue to follow your post on the sidelines hopeful that everything turns out ok, but I won’t comment anymore.
Hey Kit,
One thing I've learned along the way... broken attracts broken. If you dive in with this new guy, I foresee another BD in the near future for you.
Thanks... Thanks... and Thanks...
I have sat and had a long conversation with my good friend about this self medicating with dating. So I recognize what may be going on and I'm working through it so I do get what you are saying Joe... I do.
I know with 100% certainty that COVID is definitely part of whats taking its toll on me. Things I would normally do are NOT happening. Mentally its getting to be a strain. I'm doing what I can on Zoom but its still so isolating. Add in that I'm home alone (S19 at college). So maybe I could make better choices but I wish better choices were available. I'm not trying to make excuses... I'm reaching out to a step sister that I don't know that well and asking to hang out and do something fun... I've been spending the last couple of days trying to figure out what that "fun" is now that its colder what few outdoor events are done and no one is risking in door events.
Yeah. I get the like attracting like which is why I'm not reaching out and chasing. I would definitely like to spend more time with this person but I realize I'm a minor car accident (not quite a train wreck...
)
At work this morning. My H and I both have extremely UNIQUE names. Receptionist came to find me told me she thought she was getting punked... lol. She took a call from someone wanting to make an appt so she asked if he had been there before... he said yes... so she asked for a name... (H NAME)... she was like WHAT???? LOL. So yup. H is bringing in the puppy a week from Thursday.... Made for an interesting day but moving on.
I tend to pour out here things that I'm stewing on or processing. Getting things out and naming them is a huge way deal with them. I have doubts. I have questions. I realize I'm a hot mess at times but seriously things are so much better. Dr took me off AD's 1 mo ago... so I'm not just winging this. I have resources.
Hope everyone has a great week!
H: Do I have XX credit card?
H: I don't remember opening up this card
UGH ---- business item??? Our CC's are separate but all our other accts are still joint though we are respectful about "his/her" accts.
M: You did 9yr ago.
H: Do you have the card
M: Cancelled 2yr ago
H: Ok, I just wondered how they got my new address.
WAIT, WHAT??? You have received CC stuff in the mail and you are texting me??? How about calling the CC company??? This is not a business item... face palming myself. And, exactly how is it that I would know or care how they got your address???
KC, as you continue to go down the road of S and possibly D that your H has forced upon you, you are going to have a few convos like this. It's not at all unusual. I think you responded perfectly, your responses were business-like and to the point with no fluff or feelings added. My question is why did this very simple and straightforward interaction send you spinning? I know you're going to say "oh it didn't, I was really perfectly fine" but that "WAIT, WHAT??? paragraph very clearly shows that you were spinning. This type of interaction is really nothing at all and doesn't warrant being posted and talked about, you should be able to have a discussion like this with ZERO emotional response. I had hundreds of these convos with my XW as we went through S and D, it's just part of it. As long as you both stick to business then no problem, OK?
H: What is your work schedule the next 3 weeks
H: I want to bring in puppy
Face palming again and SWIPING left. OMG.
I assume you have an assistant that handles your appointments? If so then tell him to call the office as you don't set the appointments. I still think you should tell him to find another vet, but if you feel like you need to keep seeing the dog then your H should be treated no different than any other customer.
KC did you watch the video I suggested? It really helped me.
I know with 100% certainty that COVID is definitely part of whats taking its toll on me. Things I would normally do are NOT happening. Mentally its getting to be a strain. I'm doing what I can on Zoom but its still so isolating. Add in that I'm home alone (S19 at college). So maybe I could make better choices but I wish better choices were available. I'm not trying to make excuses... I'm reaching out to a step sister that I don't know that well and asking to hang out and do something fun... I've been spending the last couple of days trying to figure out what that "fun" is now that its colder what few outdoor events are done and no one is risking in door events.
Hi Kit, just wanted to say that I completely understand how hard this in particular is. I've been careful since all of this started, and I've found very limited ways to GAL, but it's been very hard. Especially after my recently failed R with my H, the whole reality of this is very hard. I have friends I would love to see, a trip I would love to go on, etc., but I just keep trying to find ways to keep myself occupied while still being safe, and that's very limiting.
I just want to say previously I truly believed that "people were generally good". Meaning most will do the right thing at the right time. I've always had a positive attitude and have overall been a great sideline cheerleader for many. But, after yesterday I'm finding that there's a good many people out there who are douches... LOL.
So I'm keeping busy. My two bff's are in regular contact even if I cannot see them due to pandemic. They always make me laugh even on those hard days.
I've been busy meeting new people - but yesterday got stood up for the 3rd time when meeting up for drinks. What the heck. This person was older. Widowed. We chatted some and decided it would be fun to chat in person over drinks. FUN. Then never showed... I had texted to say "hey I'm here and at the bar". NOTHING. I mean I don't know you. Make up an excuse... my car broke down... my grandson had to go to the ER... but literally ghosted. Who knew people in their 50's did this. I thought we were the generation of sending out thank you cards when people came for a visit (yes, I still do that.). Anyway, no harm no foul. I had a lovely drink and meal in a fun place and took the time to text and get up to date with my son's college adventures. AND, I was out of the house which may again be another luxury lost here as states lock down more. SO - hence my pollyanna view of the world got a huge dent marked in it.
Still overall the app I use still good. I've got 2 new friends. One just prefers chatting but we have face timed so I know I'm not being catfished. The second is an absolute doll but will be leaving to go back to his home country this week. I tease him because he swears he is 47 but seriously looks 27. I'm constantly told I look 35 but I know I'm 51 and I'm a mom of 20yr olds... so I'm very motherly of him... let's get you some dinner, I made you these cookies, I can make you some muffins... LMAO. He's so sweet though. AND, so adorable when he speaks Italian to me.
^^^^So all that is helping me think of my H less and less. I'm just focusing on me.
I think I'm falling for one of the guys I met. I by admission do not have the best communication. Extreme introvet. He talks a lot... a lot... I feel I have been talking. Often times I feel I talk to much when imbibing... but he still feels I'm extremely quiet. [face palm]. While he talks a lot he isn't the best communicator either. Took things to the next level this weekend. Yeah, I won't lie. Nothing but faithful to the same man for 11yr and it felt a little like cheating... in a way that after 11yr you are just completely comfortable with someone, who they are, what works, etc. So yeah... felt weird and in a way good to get over that hurdle??? I think he likes me??? IDK. Thinking this may just end up being a hook up thing... He doesn't really bring up being exclusive, etc. He certainly could be dating others and I've mentioned that I'm just getting out there in life... and still meeting people as I should be. No one should be exclusive this early in the game.
I found a few more things of my H and will have them boxed up and ready when he comes to the office with our puppy in a few days. I found it odd with the weather change he hasn't asked about his leather winter coats. I just noticed them in the closet when I had to go grab myself a coat. I never check my H's pockets.... even when I did laundry. I always said I don't check pockets so make sure whatever is out of them cause I just throw them in the wash. And, yes, I've washed his wallet once, a charger for headphones, etc but again checking pockets is not my job for anyone... never did it for the kids either. For some reason I reached into the coat pocket and pulled out a receipt. It was a receipt from our last date night - 1 week prior to bomb drop... it made me sad in a sentimental way but I didn't cry and just tucked the receipt back in the pocket.
My life is moving forward though I realize at a snails pace.
Lol. Good for you. You sure are a different cat KK. Lol. Was it the pilot and you let him put his airplane in your hanger lol?
I saw this coming right from the beginning. Getting over someone by getting under someone else.
I saw this coming right from the beginning. Getting over someone by getting under someone else.
Yeah, I did as well.
Broken attracts broken....
Come on! If she was a guy everyone would be cheering her on. Momma needs some too.
No guys get cheered on for that around here.
That being said, whatever floats her boat. It was just very predictable
Hey KitKat,
Glad you're feeling good about the last couple of weeks. Obviously, many of us guessed "meeting new friends" would lead to a sexual relationship in short order. That happens in just about every thread when dating begins, and I don't recall Fireman or myself getting cheered for it, lol. There are real scientific studies out there showing that sex with someone new can help with breakup recovery--it's proof we're desirable AND there are many potential partners as good or better than our ex's in many ways (of course, never in all ways). I hope you can take that good, and avoid the bad (getting prematurely attached to someone when not enough time has not passed for you to address your attachment issues and other areas where more work would allow you to change your perspective and raise your standards to find a partner better for your life and happiness long-term). I am rooting for you, and have appreciated your support as well. Go KitKat!
Come on! If she was a guy everyone would be cheering her on. Momma needs some too.
I totally get it. But Kit is saying she thinks she is "falling" for one of these guys. LOL a week ago she was in love with her H.
I think this thread is a wrap for me. Good luck Kit!
There are real scientific studies out there showing that sex with someone new can help with breakup recovery--it's proof we're desirable AND there are many potential partners as good or better than our ex's in many ways (of course, never in all ways).
This makes sense to me IF the person isn't severely codependent.
Thornton I’m not saying she’s not a hot mess. She is. My point is in the real world these kinds of things happen.
Lol. Good for you. You sure are a different cat KK. Lol. Was it the pilot and you let him put his airplane in your hanger lol?
hmmmm.... maybe??? LH you crack me up!
I’m here for advice and entertainment purposes lol.
I’m here for advice and entertainment purposes lol.
Hahaha! Spit my water out on that one!
Seriously though we all come here trying to save our marriage. Sometimes we get so overloaded on books, IC, tactics techniques, strategies and forget to live in the moment. It’s certainly not the end of the world the KK got some.
I saw this coming right from the beginning. Getting over someone by getting under someone else.
Yeah, I did as well.
Broken attracts broken....
I will definitely admit to being broken.
I will also say I'm on a path of healing and self discovery. My life has taken a dramatic turn and what I thought my future once was is no more... I have to figure out that new future. So I'm exploring.
Thornton - I said I think I like the guy.... I'm not in love with him. I don't know him. Do I love my H? I do... its more of distant love. I love the man he was when I fell in love with him... and my H by his own admission feels he was not truly who he was when with me... that he felt like he was trying to be the person he thought I needed him to be rather than his true self. I still love the true authentic parts of him --- being true to yourself is extremely attractive. I'm trying to love him enough to let him go.
I don't even know this guy's last name and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't feel I should be crucified for liking the guy... I think it would be gross hooking up with a guy I absolutely didn't like. And, I 100% realize its the curiosity and mystery of the whole thing that is drawing me in --- I do not know this man... but I might like too. Is that a crime?
No harm, no foul Thornton. I appreciate everyone's opinion.
Seriously though we all come here trying to save our marriage. Sometimes we get so overloaded on books, IC, tactics techniques, strategies and forget to live in the moment. It’s certainly not the end of the world the KK got some.
Wolfman got some too ;-)
I think I'm falling for one of the guys I met.
^^^ that's what I referring to.
Seriously though we all come here trying to save our marriage. Sometimes we get so overloaded on books, IC, tactics techniques, strategies and forget to live in the moment. It’s certainly not the end of the world the KK got some.
Wolfman got some too ;-)
Dummy didn’t strap on a love glove.
Hey KitKat,
Glad you're feeling good about the last couple of weeks. Obviously, many of us guessed "meeting new friends" would lead to a sexual relationship in short order. That happens in just about every thread when dating begins, and I don't recall Fireman or myself getting cheered for it, lol. There are real scientific studies out there showing that sex with someone new can help with breakup recovery--it's proof we're desirable AND there are many potential partners as good or better than our ex's in many ways (of course, never in all ways). I hope you can take that good, and avoid the bad (getting prematurely attached to someone when not enough time has not passed for you to address your attachment issues and other areas where more work would allow you to change your perspective and raise your standards to find a partner better for your life and happiness long-term). I am rooting for you, and have appreciated your support as well. Go KitKat!
I realize I have anxious attachment issues. I'm doing the self work there. I am recognizing my flaws and how I can be more proactive at avoiding unnecessary pitfalls.
This entire situation may have a crash landing but I'll be okay to pick myself up and move on... AND yes, this all just proof of life and helping me see things in myself that have been masked from the pain of my H walking out.
I'm a good person... cute, sexy, adorable, adventurous, kind, honest, etc. I'm learning to live with disaapointment and realizing that someone else can see the buried treasure even if my H's eyes are blind to that these days.
Kk I’m trying but you’re not helping me out. You don’t even know his last name??? Sounds like a country song.
I'm a good person... cute, sexy, adorable, adventurous, kind, honest, etc.
You get a little and it goes right to your head.
Seriously though we all come here trying to save our marriage. Sometimes we get so overloaded on books, IC, tactics techniques, strategies and forget to live in the moment. It’s certainly not the end of the world the KK got some.
Wolfman got some too ;-)
Dummy didn’t strap on a love glove.
In tears..
But phun aside, its a dangerous game to play KC - You will probably get hurt again.
![/quote]I realize I have anxious attachment issues. [/quote]
This is exactly why sleeping with other people will come back to bite you in the ass if you are anxiously attached (codependent). You will get attached "I think I'm falling for one of these guys" and then you will get your heart crushed again.
I'll say it again, broken attracts broken.
I think I'm falling for one of the guys I met.
^^^ that's what I referring to.
I see your point - symantecs for sure. I will admit to being intrigued but I would never randomly sleep with a guy that didn't at least intrigue me... I need to have some kind of standards!!!
I'm 100% cognizant that this ^^^^ is really helping me divert my focus from the implosion of my M and pointing out that life isn't over... its freaking dramatically different. If you granted me 3 wishes I would absolutely choose to save me M. I'm not going to lie or hide that fact. I'm also trying to accept the fact that wishing it back is not going to happen.
I feel I'm at a good place... better than I have been for awhile.
I've been busy meeting new people - but yesterday got stood up for the 3rd time when meeting up for drinks. What the heck. This person was older. Widowed. We chatted some and decided it would be fun to chat in person over drinks. FUN. Then never showed... I had texted to say "hey I'm here and at the bar". NOTHING.
Yeah that's strange. When I was doing the whole OLD thing I had a few that ghosted me in texting, but I don't think I ever got stood up on in in-person meet. 3 times seems really unusual! But you've got to think that if they pull that crap, then it's not someone you want to waste your time with anyway.
^^^^So all that is helping me think of my H less and less. I'm just focusing on me.
That's not really focusing on you though. That's focusing on a new love interest to replace the old one. Focusing on you would be setting aside the dating for now and doing some soul-searching, sorting out what it is you want in life and healing the wounds from the loss of your M. And in my opinion that step is a must before you can engage in a healthy new romantic relationship. I mean you are an adult and it's your decision, but I would hate to see you get hurt all over again, which can easily happen if you're hasty.
I think I'm falling for one of the guys I met. I by admission do not have the best communication. Extreme introvert. He talks a lot... a lot... I feel I have been talking. Often times I feel I talk to much when imbibing... but he still feels I'm extremely quiet. [face palm]. While he talks a lot he isn't the best communicator either.
Well, communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship, so this is an area you should definitely work on.
I think he likes me??? IDK. Thinking this may just end up being a hook up thing... He doesn't really bring up being exclusive, etc. He certainly could be dating others and I've mentioned that I'm just getting out there in life... and still meeting people as I should be. No one should be exclusive this early in the game.
So you got intimate with him, but you are both terrible at communication, you don't even know if he likes you, you don't know if you're exclusive. I think you're setting yourself up to be hurt. I don't care whether you have sex with someone else, I'm not someone who views sex as a sacred act. However, I really do get the sense through your posts that you are struggling with letting go of your H and I'm concerned that you're entering a new R to fill the void left by the old one, and you're rushing into it without knowing what you want, or what the other person wants. Just be very careful.
Seriously though we all come here trying to save our marriage. Sometimes we get so overloaded on books, IC, tactics techniques, strategies and forget to live in the moment. It’s certainly not the end of the world the KK got some.
Wolfman got some too ;-)
LOL! He got far more than he bargained for!
I'm a good person... cute, sexy, adorable, adventurous, kind, honest, etc.
You get a little and it goes right to your head.
I've always been a glass half full kind of girl... always picking out the positives.
I get that I'm playing with fire and I'm broken. I will get it put on a tshirt so I come with a warning label.
Thanks for the wake up call... the smiles and laughs for a Monday morning during the stress of a pandemic!!!
KC,
You are over the limit by 9 postings. If you see that you are over the limit before I get the opportunity to lock your thread, go ahead and start a new thread and I will come around and lock the "previous" one.
New Thread:
I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 25