Old thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2901682&page=1Recap:
H left 3 months ago and shortly after moved in with OW. Last night she dumped him and now he seems to be spinning and doesn't know what he wants.
We spoke a little today and he is still in contact with OW. Went there to get his stuff and she had another guy over there and he stayed a while and ended up leaving his things. He said he will go get them when he has a semi permanent place to stay, otherwise he will be lugging it all around in his work truck with him. He seems to be very confused and doesn't know what he wants. Today he did not specify one way or another if he wants to try to make it work with me.
At one point I said I don't know what he is thinking/doing/feeling (probably not DB but oh well). He said he did not want to come home last night and ask me to take him back and let him move back in because he didnt think it was a good idea to be making big decisions in the midst of that chaos. I am irritated because that actually makes sense. And if he came here last night begging me to take him back, I would have thought it was because I am plan B for him, just because she dumped him.
Hi Rachel,
Wow--what a maelstrom! I'll echo what others have said--focusing on you, and take time to consider any proposals he makes sounds wise. You've made some strong responses so far. Take care!
To be honest Rachel thats probably the most sensible thing he has said in 3 months!
And it avoided some perhaps difficult conversations between you two, so take it as a saving grace.
He needs to sort himself out, find somewhere to live and take it from there.
The end game is you dont want what you had, you want something better!
You ve got this!
I am struggling a lot today. Just as I suspected, he ended up back at her apartment last night. Despite all his "I'm definitely never going back". Yeah right. He has told me over and over that he has been so close to begging me to take him back over the last few weeks. Today he still does not know what he is doing. Said they talked a lot last night about how to fix the issues they had in their relationship but they aren't back together for sure. He is thinking about giving them another try since he already invested so much into it. He asked me for a week before I file papers because he doesn't know what he wants.
I feel like I took 20 steps back in the last 2 days. I told him I am 1 signature away from sending the papers, that I have a lawyer ready. I stupidly got my hopes up that things could work. and now I am sitting here thinking "okay if I DB like hell for the next week, maybe things will work." UGH. I dont know whether I should feel relieved that he is taking his time making a decision on what HE wants. But I may have screwed up by acting like I care.
How do I get back on track? I was finally getting to a place where I was accepting the situation a little. I felt almost good about myself. I know I cannot stop him no matter what he decides to do. I know it shouldnt bother me that he went back over there last night because he has been there for months. What's one more night? I need to back off for the next week for sure.
This is typical - and I believe what they refer to as "the valley".
Truth be told he is conflicted. As long as he gets what he needs from you he will continue to stay in the valley. Some advocate for sticking to your boundaries but giving them time to work there way through. Others state to stop letting them cake eat and solidifying that you are still a viable plan B as they continue to explore their new life with a safety net.
Which is right for you?
Everyone on this site will opt for the latter... while there are other sites out there telling you to be patient and that there still is hope. There are success stories out there for both methods. I'm starting to believe that those who recon were likely too anyway despite the method used... that's just a general observation and nothing to prove that.
What are your values? What is your gut telling you to do? Are you ready to file? ***never feel rushed into one decision or the other. You've got time to feel comfortable with your choices.
One thing I would do is greatly lower my expectations. He states he was so close to begging you back... do not believe that unless you see actual action on his part. He sounds very confused and is being pulled by puppet strings by OW.
Personally i think db the hell out of him.
Are you ready to file? Is it an emotional decision? A rational one? Is it to scare him into coming back?
He is a mess of a human being, whi has treated you so so poorly. Let him stay where he is, im not sure it would be a healthy situation for you and the kids if he came back now!
You are right it seemed that you were just finding your feet and getting to a healthier place where you started to value yourself. Do not have any expectations, please read what May said about all the things he said and did!
He is telling you now about his relationship with another woman! He wants to gove it a go because he has invested 3 months into this?!
It was a hard no for me from very early on hearing about OW! I told H out right that woman doesnt exist in my life, keep your personal life as far from me as possible.
Gigi, I think if I filed right now it would be to scare him. When he came here the other night I was very angry and that is why I brought it up-the lawyer and the whole thing. I can't take much more of this, especially if he keeps saying he "doesn't know what he is doing," but is really running around with her. I am willing to give it a little more time while I DB and back off emotionally for real, but at some point I have to draw the line.
He is telling you now about his relationship with another woman! He wants to gove it a go because he has invested 3 months into this?!
This made me mad also. He said he did invest 9 years in our marriage, but how is it trying if you are cheating repeatedly?
I had plans to go out overnight tonight but they were canceled. I am hoping to get out and get some shopping done and me time when he is with the kids today.
Gigi, I think if I filed right now it would be to scare him.
I wouldn't file to scare him. I would file when you're done with the marriage. There is another thread where someone filed maybe when emotional, and now has some regrets about the marriage ending.
I wouldnt file to scare him inti anything. Your emotions are running high because you want a resolution, like everyone says Its a marathon, one of those really really long ones. I just dont think that someone can just snap out of it and return to normal family life in 3 months having done what he did.
Im coming up to 7 months and the only reason i would file if i met someone who i wanted something serious with but im actually not ready for a relationship. I think this is all to fresh for you and him and personally even divorcing wont bring you closure you are seeking.
Continue db, give him space and time to sort himself out. Rachel last thing you need is him coming back not fully committed, integrating himself back into family life and then doing what he has already done to you so many times.
Do you have a timeline for yourself when you are really going to stop trying? A year on? 18 months? What do you feel is reasonable for you? I wouldnt even think now about him coming back and what that would look like at this stage. When he is serious about coming back because he realises he want you and you are his only plan! Not plan B! The. You can tell him that you need time to think.
Please take care of yourself
I wouldnt file to scare him inti anything. Your emotions are running high because you want a resolution, like everyone says Its a marathon, one of those really really long ones. I just dont think that someone can just snap out of it and return to normal family life in 3 months having done what he did.
Im coming up to 7 months and the only reason i would file if i met someone who i wanted something serious with but im actually not ready for a relationship. I think this is all to fresh for you and him and personally even divorcing wont bring you closure you are seeking.
Continue db, give him space and time to sort himself out. Rachel last thing you need is him coming back not fully committed, integrating himself back into family life and then doing what he has already done to you so many times.
Do you have a timeline for yourself when you are really going to stop trying? A year on? 18 months? What do you feel is reasonable for you? I wouldnt even think now about him coming back and what that would look like at this stage. When he is serious about coming back because he realises he want you and you are his only plan! Not plan B! The. You can tell him that you need time to think.
Please take care of yourself
Sorry just to clarify. I am not going to file right now because if I did, my motive would be to scare him. And I know that that is not right.
Hi Rachel, sorry you are in this place. I agree with gigi that it's not a good idea to file unless you want him back right now, in the sorry mess that he's in, or, you are prepared to follow through with D if he doesn't come back right now.
You deserve to be respected and valued - he is showing neither of those. He's cake-eating, and hoping (even asking) that you'll wait in the wings in case things go wrong with OW.
DB like mad and go NC as much as you can.
Can I ask why you do want him back, given that this is not the first time it's happened? What qualities does he bring to your M?
Sending hugs!
How are you doing Rachel?
Thanks Pommy. I am trying to go NC as much as I can. I have been doing really well with that except when he is here with the kids. I will think on your question.
A few weeks ago, someone called CPS on OW for having drugs sold out of her home. Of course, she thinks I was the caller. Today she sent me a series of messages on facebook. Really mean, f***ed up, accosting me type of messages. Telling me how she has done nothing but respect me as a woman and a mother, etc. That she hasn't done anything to me and has been trying to help my H through divorce and how to move on to be a better person afterward. (side note-she isnt even divorced.) A whole slew of BS. It really made me angry. She even gave me her phone number if I ever wanted to talk "as a woman" instead of "hiding behind lies."
I'm just really fed up. Fed up with the drama surrounding this entire situation. I deleted her phone number so I am not tempted to message her ever. Ironically I had unblocked her on FB the night H came home saying she dumped him. Just in case she had anything relevant to tell me, assuming he came back here. Needless to say, I really dont feel comfortable with my kids going there to their apartment in the future.
I just want to focus on getting better and on my kids. Tomorrow is a new day and I hope I can have a clear head when I get up in the morning.
Well done Rachel for not lowering yourself to a level of OW and responding to nasty messages. Block her, delete phone number and crack on with your life. You know you have done nothing wrong, she can figure out her own life. Not sure why she is so keen on saving your H...but whatever each to their own.
There is a lot of drama to start with for some it continues, for others like me its all goes quiet woth not much happening, which is in many ways as difficult, as it feels like limbo.
All i can say is that from your messages you seem to getting to a better place, more stable, getting your priorities right and letting his drama play out but as far away from you and the kids as possible. Just keep detaching and moving forward.