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Midlife wife crisis 15

Posted By: Wolfman

Midlife wife crisis 15 - 09/30/20 08:47 PM

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2904781&page=11

That is the previous thread.

Job you closed out the other thread, can you please link them together. Thanks
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 09/30/20 08:56 PM

So there are many things that I would like to change and have been.
1. When I have a disagreement with my GF is to validate and not raise my voice. I canít help it I am Italian. Lol Seriously though, try to stay calm even when the other person is yelling at me.
2. I have learned from here that a personís feelings is their feelings and I donít have right to tell them what they are feeling is wrong, ridiculous, makes no sense. That is how they feel in that moment and it is my job to understand and validate those feelings. Not easy for me but I am working on it.
3. Do I want to be right or happy? Instead of always trying to prove my point, just let it go and put my pride to the side and be happy.
4. Really try to express how I feel and how something is making me feel instead of just bottling it up or expect the other person to just know how I feel.
5. Most important, just learn to be happy no matter what life throws at you. These last 2 years have been the hardest years of my life, literally. I am always trying to find little bits of positive and happiness. Itís not easy, it takes work but itís worth it.
Later I will post something that will be so important to the newbies. It took me 2 years to learn, understand and make sense of how I got here.
Posted By: job

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 09/30/20 10:15 PM

Wolfman,

If I close out your previous thread and advise you to link it to your new thread, I will come around and link your new thread to the old one...no need to ask me to do it...I will take care of it.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/01/20 12:51 PM

yesterday was my first day alone. Something I was so fearful of. Fearful of just being alone. Honestly, it wasnít bad. It was nice and peaceful and nice not having to answer to anyone or worried about the other person and if I need to help them. First day of growth. It feels good. 2 years later and finally it feel like I wonít die. Itís so true the one thread, we wonít die. 2 years to get here, 1.5 years of therapy, panic attacks, lack of sleep, depression and thinking of suicide, I am finally finding myself. I share this because I never thought I would get here. I thank all of you for being here, I thank all of you for not giving up on me. I hope I can offer advice to the newbies.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/01/20 06:04 PM


I don't think many of us (myself included) stay single long enough after getting divorced. How long do you think you should be single? I believe there is a difference from being "alone" and being "single". I was alone for a very short time period, maybe a month, until I built up my new friend base. I was single for less than 2 years.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/02/20 01:17 PM

Originally Posted by Ready2Change

I don't think many of us (myself included) stay single long enough after getting divorced. How long do you think you should be single? I believe there is a difference from being "alone" and being "single". I was alone for a very short time period, maybe a month, until I built up my new friend base. I was single for less than 2 years.



I am glad that you were able to find people quickly. It just really stinks for me, all of my buddies are married now and have kids. So, itís real hard to find people to hang out with. I was never really alone, I was going on dates pretty quickly. Nothing serious, just felt good to get out there. But I really have no single guy friends. So, I will be alone most of the time. It would be nice to have a buddy to grab a beer with. I guess I will be watching a lot of movies. We shall see. Itís amazing how much a persons life can change in 2 years.

Not going to lie, I wish I could meet some of the people on here and grab a beer with them. There are many of you that have been wonderful and helpful.
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/02/20 02:17 PM

Meetup.com

Talk to guys at the gym

Join some sports leagues or bike clubs or duck clubs. Lots of guys at those places.

Also, in my sitch, I would go out alone and make new friends (guys and girls). Chicks liked that I'd dock my boat solo and I'd smile and have a good time and they'd walk up to me. Just dress well and have a subtle smile like you're the happiest guy in the world. They'll come to you. Enjoy the game and take the pressure off yourself.

Too bad you're in New Yawk otherwise I'd be glad to share a beer.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/02/20 03:42 PM

Umm... My girlfriend or the person I just broke up with told me she is pregnant. I am in panic mode. She was complaining of being crampy and tired. I thought it was her period. Boy did my life just change in 1 day!!! I feel like passing out. I am going to need a lot of help. HELP!!!
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/02/20 06:44 PM

Hi Wolf,

Be the leader.

Get into couple therapy with her. Find 3 or 4 in your area and both of you go interview them. Jointly pick one.

We all have issues. The people in our lives are there to point them out to us and help us fix them.


You can handle this.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/02/20 07:20 PM

Did you see the pregnancy test ?
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/02/20 08:55 PM

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Did you see the pregnancy test ?


I saw the home pregnancy test. You think she is lying? I am a catch, 2 jobs, a home, money in the bank. I am trying g to be careful. She is now insisting that we have to get married because of her family. That I am not doing.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/02/20 08:58 PM

Itís all too often after a break up does a woman come out with a pregnancy, try to get a guy to commit, then the mysterious miscarriage happens.

Itís possible. And she could be telling the gods honest truth .

Iíd be going to her doctor appt with her before I slipped a ring on that finger
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 01:00 AM

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Itís all too often after a break up does a woman come out with a pregnancy, try to get a guy to commit, then the mysterious miscarriage happens.

Itís possible. And she could be telling the gods honest truth .

Iíd be going to her doctor appt with her before I slipped a ring on that finger


She went to the OBGYN today but it was early and I had work. I wanted to go. We had a couple of texts back and forth then I heard nothing. I havenít heard from her since 11:30. I was the last one to text her. She is a very prideful woman and she wants me to go after her all the time. This time it is not happening. Curious to see how this plays out.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 10:16 AM

Your curious to see how this plays out WTF??????????

Your GF who you supposedly dumped says she's pregnant and your curious on this plays out.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by LH19
Your curious to see how this plays out WTF??????????

Your GF who you supposedly dumped says she's pregnant and your curious on this plays out.


Let me be more specific. She is not sleeping in the home anymore. I stopped hearing from her at 11:30am yesterday. Is she just going to stop talking to me? No joke just a few days ago she was talking about how we had to get married because her family would have such a problem with her being pregnant and not married. Sorry I donít just get married because we are having a baby. Last 2 months we have been arguing a lot. I told her we would need to iron out our problems before that like going to therapy. But she said which I almost laughed at, get married first then work on the problems. I said how does that make sense? So by me saying letís see how this plays out, wonder if she is done just because I didnít call her yesterday or if she will try and come to me and work it out. After all, she canít be pregnant and not married (her words).
Posted By: LH19

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 11:28 AM

I guess Iím confused. You dumped now your talking marriage because sheís allegedly pregnant. Seems healthy.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 12:06 PM

Originally Posted by LH19
I guess Iím confused. You dumped now your talking marriage because sheís allegedly pregnant. Seems healthy.

When she found out she was pregnant little over a week ago thatís when she told me we had to get married. Then a few days ago I broke up with her. Nothing to do with her being pregnant, I just couldnít take the arguments anymore. Most of the arguments were petty. I tried talking to her about the arguments and how we could address them, she would work at it for a day or 2 then right back. Itís a real shame I really was in love with her. She was amazing except for the arguing. Unless I agreed with everything then there would be an argument. Many times I would validate and just agree. But itís like the more I did that the more I didnít have an opinion, if that makes sense. I donít want a relationship weíre itís not 50/50. I felt like I was going down the same path of being a doormat and I was not going to allow that to happen.

The last 3 months of my life have been absolute h*ll. I will post more about it some other time. Itís one thing to go through a divorce, itís another to lose your GF, dad, 2 brothers, daughter and now maybe son. I am trying to be so strong but everything is crumbling around me. I donít sleep anymore and feel literally sick to my stomach everyday. Sorry for this last paragraph, I really donít have anyone to talk to anymore. I will be here a lot.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 12:17 PM

Hold on. You mentioned nothing about her being pregnant when you broke up with her. You mentioned it yesterday like it was new news?

Iím confused, your stories just donít match up
Posted By: KitCat

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 12:36 PM

Clearly don't get M just because of pregnancy.

Also, if she is truly pregnant try to be respectful. You don't know what she is going through - shame, disappointment, feeling yet again she messed up, let her family down, how is she going to manage, etc.

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, long distance relationship but I never insisted he marry me but expected him to support me and be involved. I tried to look at it from his side of things - he wasn't expecting this either. We had previously discussed getting M, kids, how we would raise them. It was a long term relationship.

I had SEVERE vomitting for 8mo of my pregnancy. Worked full time to keep a roof over my head. I had minimal support. He became very wishy washy. Pregnancy hormones didn't help either. Ultimately he uprooted his life to be near me and our son because given the situation that we did not marry I needed the support of my family. I had to go back to work full time when baby was 7weeks old because I had to continue to keep a roof over my head and now my childs. He was decent enough I suppose the first year but then bailed.

Sure - maybe this is all fake an ploy to hang on to you. Maybe it's not. Maybe now is not the time to expect her to come chasing after you however. You need to think about ways you can step up here. Don't commit to M but think about ways you can step up to ease whatever it is she may be going through.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 01:37 PM

So 2 days ago she showed up at my home. So we talked for a little bit. To summarize the conversation, she said to me either we get married or she is done. Even though I broke up with her. I told her I would be willing to work it out if we went to therapy and worked on our issues. I also said because of all the fighting I want ready to get married. Maybe, hopefully yes I would want to. But I told her itís not healthy for anyone if we are constantly fighting, that these arguments have to be resolved in a more civilized way. Then she had the nerve to say, and I am not kidding, if I donít marry her she will go out and find a man who will. WHAT!!!??? So I said you are going to find some random man to marry you in the next 8 months just because you are pregnant. I said how does that make any sense? I told her I would be willing to work it out like I said just not get married right now. Look I am feel terrible that if she is pregnant that I need to be there for her. But not with all the fighting. This is such a mess. I want to call her, but everytime we argue I am the one who goes to her to make things better. If I donít she wonít talk to me until I do, then blame me for not going to her sooner.

The chain of events: last Tuesday she told me she was pregnant. This Tuesday we got into an argument and I broke up with her and she left. Thursday we talked and I took her to dinner to talk. Yesterday went back and forth through text till 11:30am and I havenít heard from her since.
Posted By: Rose888

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 03:14 PM

So you broke up with your girlfriend a week after she found out she was pregnant. Then you come to the board and say you broke up with her. Then a couple of days go by and you say she is pregnant, which implies that she told you she was pregnant after you broke up with her, not before.

That is not a good look.

This might be the time to ask yourself some hard questions:

What kind of man do you want to be?

What are your core values?

What do you consider to be good, right, moral behavior?

I can see from your description that the relationship has some challenges aside from the pregnancy. But stop to think about what kind of man you want to be, and then think about how that man would respond to the situation your current self has gotten into.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 03:50 PM

Originally Posted by Rose888
So you broke up with your girlfriend a week after she found out she was pregnant. Then you come to the board and say you broke up with her. Then a couple of days go by and you say she is pregnant, which implies that she told you she was pregnant after you broke up with her, not before.

That is not a good look.

This might be the time to ask yourself some hard questions:

What kind of man do you want to be?

What are your core values?

What do you consider to be good, right, moral behavior?

I can see from your description that the relationship has some challenges aside from the pregnancy. But stop to think about what kind of man you want to be, and then think about how that man would respond to the situation your current self has gotten into.


Those are questions I ask myself constantly. I am so torn. I want to do the right thing and be with her. The constant arguing is difficult, somethings she has said about my kids in the past bothered me. For example I am dealing with parent alienation with my ex, she has my daughter now hating me and using my GF as a scape goat why she canít come to my house. I get very depressed and upset not having my daughter in my life, my GF told me I just need to forget about her and move on. That she doesnít like to see me so upset and doesnít want me to hurt anymore and to put my daughter behind me. I canít do that, just give up on my daughter. The other dilemma I have is, my GF said once she found out that we need to get married right now and I do mean right now. She wanted us to g to town hall and get a marriage license. I said I wasnít sure about that, she said either we get married or there is nothing. I told her why canít we continue to work on our relationship and when WE are both ready then we get married. I even said what if we get engaged this way you can see I am committed and then get married. Oh by the way ladies she told me her engagement ring has to be a minimum 2.5 carats.

I feel terrible because she is caring my child, but are we all suppose to be miserable for the next 20 years? I want to work it out but I am not ready to get married right now and I expressed that to her. There is a million things going through my head. Tell me what you all think about this. My daughter hasnít been to my house in 3 months and she claims itís because my GF is there. Maybe this gives me a chance to work on my relationship with my daughter. Like I said I am so messed up. Any comments, recommendations, questions I welcome.
Posted By: Rose888

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/03/20 04:04 PM

So, how do you answer those questions? What are your core values? What kind of man do you want to be? What do you consider to be good, right, moral behavior?
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/04/20 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by Rose888
So, how do you answer those questions? What are your core values? What kind of man do you want to be? What do you consider to be good, right, moral behavior?


My core values are to step up and be a father. To have a loving family and take care of my responsibilities like
I always have.
I want to be a man who takes on responsibility. A man who is happy in is life and making the people he loves feel happy and safe.
The last one I donít know how to answer. Because I donít know what is right. I have a GF that I love but I donít want to fight anymore. We have some differences that we need to work out. The other thing is I bring everything to this relationship. I have a career, a home, a pension, I have everything to lose. I guess I am just so afraid of getting divorced again. When stuff got real it scared me. I always thought I wanted to get married again but now itís ďhereĒ and I am having second thoughts.
Oh and I saw the sonogram yesterday. I am a person that takes his time with big decisions and second guess myself about everything, from buying car, to buying a home, when I had kids the first time and my first marriage.
Posted By: Core

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/04/20 02:14 PM

Hey Wolf,

Sorry to hear about the situation you are in at the present moment. Modern society has many of us going against nature thus the indecisiveness. I get why you're stuck, I would be too. You have pressure and influence from many directions including my post here.

I ask you to think as clearly as possible about the decision. Meditate on it, get other thoughts and feelings out of the way.

Heres my main concerns:

Originally Posted by Wolfman
I get very depressed and upset not having my daughter in my life, my GF told me I just need to forget about her and move on. That she doesnít like to see me so upset and doesnít want me to hurt anymore and to put my daughter behind me. I canít do that, just give up on my daughter. The other dilemma I have is, my GF said once she found out that we need to get married right now and I do mean right now. She wanted us to g to town hall and get a marriage license. I said I wasnít sure about that, she said either we get married or there is nothing. I told her why canít we continue to work on our relationship and when WE are both ready then we get married. I even said what if we get engaged this way you can see I am committed and then get married. Oh by the way ladies she told me her engagement ring has to be a minimum 2.5 carats.


Read that over a few times.

Red flag 1 - she asks you to leave your own daughter behind for her. What does this say about how she cares about YOUR feelings and who is her concern here?

Red flag 2 - wanting you away from those you love to have you for herself. If you're away from your support system and daughter, all you have is her.

Red flag 3 - she's giving you an ultimatum, pressuring you before you're even married. What other ultimatums will you see? You'd be marrying out of guilt and responsibility, not for a peaceful loving relationship. Here she is again disregarding your feelings and concerns.

Red flag 4 - the ring must be 2.5 carats. Why? So she can brag, show off to others? Money and status is clearly important to her. What if you run low on money or status changes? What if she finds someone with more of either?

As men, IF the baby is ours (ask yourself, is it guaranteed its yours?), the right thing by society is to marry. In olden times thats fine. Now however much of the system is against the man and high earner. You know this already as you were there once. Imagine trying to get her to sign a prenup.

She may be worried, scared and wanting commitment because of the baby, I totally get that. Female nature and for good reason. If you aren't ready for marriage, give her committment but not marriage (not in writing or your state may consider it common law marriage), and help her through her insecurity. If she leaves you for not marrying her, wouldnt she be one to leave a marriage as well? Especially when she is incentivized to D as there is more to gain, i.e. child support, alimony and half your stuff.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/04/20 02:48 PM

How can you possibly say this woman is amazing? She seems awful. She wants you to leave your daughter behind. Marry you right now with a ring that will cost thousands.

She sounds like a teal catch.

I have a feeling your daughter new about the true her the whole time I wouldnít doubt she was trying to drive a wedge between the two of you and this was less about parental alienation by her mother
Posted By: Rose888

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/04/20 03:13 PM

I agree with Ginger that your GF seems awful.

In fact, when I read that you had broken up with her and were planning to stay single (before I knew you did that after learning she was pregnant), I thought that was a great step forward.

What criteria do you look for in a romantic partner? Because, based on what you've shared here about your GF, I think your people selector is broken.

That said, breaking up with her within a week of learning she is pregnant? It's hard to award you the moral high ground here.

I'm not saying to marry her. Let me be very clear about that. But even in stable, healthy relationships between two mature people, pregnancy can be a rough time. Which is why I encourage you to think about what your core values are and how you want to behave. Because you're going to have to learn how to live out of your values, even if the other person isn't.

Honestly, this is part of the hard work of DBing that you skipped doing after bomb drop. Better late than never.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/04/20 04:58 PM

Omg thank you so much the 3 of your for your comments. I am just so confused and lost. I feel like i should marry her because of the baby, yet my heart isnít truly there. I am scared to get married and then divorced again and I donít like the pressure.
So last night we spoke about a lot of things. I will try and get to the point and summarize. She told me she has anxiety that I could break up with her again at any time. So her compromise to me was this. Go talk to her father and tell him that I want to marry his daughter and get engaged in a month. During the next month go to therapy together. She feels by me doing that I wonít back out because then I would be lying to her father. She said then we could get married in a few months. I told her that is a lot of pressure to go and speak to your father and say those things. I said why not just work on things and go to therapy and we get to that point, then I propose. She said there are no assurances there. And that I am putting in minimal effort.
This morning I told her what assurances do I have that we get married and you wonít just leave? I said then you get everything and I am left with nothing. Of course that upset her, and I wanted to laugh because she said once we get married she will do everything to make sure we donít get divorced and that she doesnít want to get divorced. I said I understand that, I said you do realize when people get married they donít go in thinking when are they going to get divorced. Of course she knew where I was going with that. So of course she got mad and said she tried and she was willing to compromise by not getting married right away. And that all I care about is the home and finances and that I am selfish and only thinking of myself. I will say this to very one on here, I am thinking of myself a little because I have everything to lose and she has everything to gain. I feel terrible that she got preganant when we werenít trying, but jumping into marriage is not the answer to me. Also she said that having a baby is more of a reason to stay together than marriage. I said I donít agree, 15 year old kids have kids do they jump into marriage then? Tell me if I am wrong but a marriage is more of a reason to stay together than an unplanned pregnancy. Just like in my first marriage once I put that ring on her finger I want going anywhere, unfortunately my ex is the one who wanted divorce and I could not stop her. But divorce wasnít an option for me. I just feel like she has this all backwards. She wants to get married because in her words it brings her security that I wonít break up with her again. Yet we have many issues to work out and I feel thatís what we should fix first. She makes me feel like I am all wrong and crazy. What does everyone think?
Posted By: Core

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/04/20 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am just so confused and lost. I feel like i should marry her because of the baby, yet my heart isnít truly there. I am scared to get married and then divorced again and I donít like the pressure.

It sounds like you don't want to marry, yet. You don't have to.

Theres a lot of me in your post, I can tell where youre coming from. From your perspective of events that you wrote out, I still see plenty of pressure and disregard of your opinion and feeling. On her end, the anxiety is understandable as well. She may be having a baby with no support system or consistency (in her mind).

Marriage should be a collaboration not a compromise. People feel like they loose in a compromise.

Her compromise of waiting longer and having you talk to her father who will also pressure you doesnt sound like much of a compromise. Your indecision is giving her room to influence. If you're firm on not marrying, let her know that and that you're here for her and the baby. Get her anxiety at ease without giving in on your boundaries. You can offer to still do counseling if youre on board. Imagine years down the road if you marry and in a fight she says "you know, you never wanted to even marry me in the first place!".
Posted By: Rose888

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/04/20 08:30 PM

Why is her father part of this conversation? How young is she? Does she come from a culture where parents have a lot of say in their adult child's life?

I think it's understandable that she is looking for security, and I can see her point about a child being a better reason to stay together than marriage. It's not the only way to look at it, but I don't think she's crazy for thinking that. The teenage example doesn't apply, unless you are claiming that you and your GF have the mental and emotional maturity of teenagers.

That said, I don't think you should feel forced to marry her. And I don't think you should tell her father you are going to get engaged in the future.

But I do think (assuming paternity is proven), that you should work out a legally binding support arrangement. I don't think she should have to rely on your word alone that you are going to provide for your child. If you're expecting her to just take your word for it, then I can see why she's pushing for marriage.
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/04/20 10:10 PM

Agree with rose and core.
Also, is prenup out of the question?
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/05/20 01:50 AM

I mentioned a prenup and she didnít want to hear it. I would need a prenup. I am not ready for this. I was so stupid to let this happen. I am so stressed. I got in over my head, thatís for sure.
Posted By: Mumin

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/05/20 05:24 AM

Stand your ground, you don't HAVE to do ANYTHING.
Posted By: MrBrside

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/05/20 08:37 AM

WM,

I have made multiple comments on multiple posters about the dangers of dating / relationships until you sort your own *&^%& out.. You fall well into that catagory - you ignored them little red flags, and now you are in a situation 10 times worse.

Get your I*^& together, man up and lay down how this will play out - and do not back down from that plan.

Priority 1 - You already have children. You need to sort the existing issues out with them and build this relationship - not with talk or hollow words. Actions... And you start today - quit the "oh i'm confused and im lost BS! - You are a man, a father and you need to own your *&%&.. Not sitting there feeling all confused and wo is me.
Priority 2 - GF / Ex GF or whatever you want to call her is bad news.. She probably saw the writing on the wall with these arguments and decided to trap you - Stand by your conviction and walk - keep walking.. When / if your child to this woman is born, you be the best dad you can be to that child as well - Your priority is being a good father - Leave the whole relationship thing behind for a while..Focus on kids - existing and this new child - You do not need to be with this woman to be a good dad.
Priority 3 - Sort your *&^* - Get comfortable with being alone for a while - Either alone, or with your children..

You are in a pickle.. Step back, breathe and tackle it rationally - pre nups and marriage to somebody you dont love - WTF - like seriously - All messed up, but only you can control the outcome that is best for you !
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/05/20 01:29 PM

Mumin and Mr. thank you for the comments. I am going to stand my ground, and actually want to be alone. I am starting to feel comfortable being alone. You all were so right about waiting to get into a relationship. I really thought it was great, I thought I was going have this new amazing life with this woman. Instead I put myself in a deeper whole with more stress and problems.
Mr. you mentioned in priority 1 to work on my relationship with my kids. I do everyday, with actions. Thatís why I am taking my ex to court to fight for my kids. My ex has stopped my d from coming with me. Now my s is heading down that path. So I am not going to threaten or bully but use the courts to iron it out. When you say actions what else do you mean? I ask because I call my kids every night to say good night to them. When I have them I make sure they have my undivided attention. What else is there? I take them to all kinds of places, dinner, zip lining, trampoline park, parks, theme parks. I am trying everything. At my home with my s we do game night and movie night. So I am trying. Shoot one day I took my d for daddy daughter pedicure.
Posted By: MrBrside

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/05/20 01:57 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
When you say actions what else do you mean? I ask because I call my kids every night to say good night to them. When I have them I make sure they have my undivided attention. What else is there? I take them to all kinds of places, dinner, zip lining, trampoline park, parks, theme parks. I am trying everything. At my home with my s we do game night and movie night. So I am trying. Shoot one day I took my d for daddy daughter pedicure.


I just commented on Mummins post about this.. and it looks like you are making waves..

Me and my children do a lot - we make a lot of memories and the children love it - its not about spending loads of money - they can enjoy quality time with you, without it costing a fortune... But it is about the memories and quality time... I have noticed a lot of parents ( on the beach, at the park etc ) take the children and think thats it - box ticked - "im a good parent becuase i bring them to the park" - Yet just ignore the kids for an hour while they sit on a bench on their phone.


Personal take on this is that you have lost your daughters respect and probably trust.. Without being harsh, you didnt step up when they needed you most ( after seperation ) and your attention was elsewhere ( crazy GF / ex GF ) .. The kids probably has massive trust and resentment issues towards you, and it will take a long time to break these down - and you do it by proving that your are the dad they need.
I see it from the other side, and my WW has been a terrible mother to the girls. My eldest is old enough to see it, and doesnt trust her mother, let alone respect her. Even when WW tries to do something positive, my eldest doesnt really want to know - as her actions are so few and far between that for every 1 good think she has done, there are 10 negatives that the kids relate to..
You need to work on making sure there are no negatives - and give it time.. lots of time.. hopefully you can work on the damage - but a court case may not change it - You should have stepped up on the mark the day you seperated - not months and months later, when you finally realised..
And if you do get them back, keep it that way - dont give them another reason to push you away ( ie you fall for another female )
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/05/20 02:01 PM

Oh boy, just catching up here. Wow.

Wolf, my best advice is to not try to fix this mistake by making a bigger mistake: marrying her. Sorry to be blunt, but I've personally witnessed several couples that got pregnant, then got engaged. The D rate in that situation is around 80%. And the vast majority of the other 20% are very troubled marriages.

Do not rush to any decisions right now. You have time.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/05/20 04:08 PM

Mr. I agree with what you said about how we spend it. I do take them to the park and I push them on the swings even though they are old do races, play tag. I make it a point to NOT BE ON MY PHONE when I am with them. That is precious time that I do not want to waste. My son and I will do things my daughter usually does not. Again I know the age is rough too (she is 13). I am such a fool for not listening to the advice here. I should have just stayed single and worked on myself. I love my kids and miss what we had!!!
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/05/20 05:37 PM

Originally Posted by MrBrside
WM,

I have made multiple comments on multiple posters about the dangers of dating / relationships until you sort your own *&^%& out.. You fall well into that catagory - you ignored them little red flags, and now you are in a situation 10 times worse.

Get your I*^& together, man up and lay down how this will play out - and do not back down from that plan.

Priority 1 - You already have children. You need to sort the existing issues out with them and build this relationship - not with talk or hollow words. Actions... And you start today - quit the "oh i'm confused and im lost BS! - You are a man, a father and you need to own your *&%&.. Not sitting there feeling all confused and wo is me.
Priority 2 - GF / Ex GF or whatever you want to call her is bad news.. She probably saw the writing on the wall with these arguments and decided to trap you - Stand by your conviction and walk - keep walking.. When / if your child to this woman is born, you be the best dad you can be to that child as well - Your priority is being a good father - Leave the whole relationship thing behind for a while..Focus on kids - existing and this new child - You do not need to be with this woman to be a good dad.
Priority 3 - Sort your *&^* - Get comfortable with being alone for a while - Either alone, or with your children..

You are in a pickle.. Step back, breathe and tackle it rationally - pre nups and marriage to somebody you dont love - WTF - like seriously - All messed up, but only you can control the outcome that is best for you !

^^^THIS^^^^
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/06/20 01:20 PM

That was one of my biggest problems. Being alone, everyone said get use to it but I was so fearful. I was having massive panic attacks way back. At first the limerance was great (of course) with my GF, I felt like I found someone, someone who I could love and love me back. But I was so broken and fearful I ignored the warning signs a few months back. My fear and selfishness put me in a real situation now. I just want to work on my relationship with my kids, I need to work on myself and figuring out what I want in life. My divorce made me panic about my life and my future, yet everyone warned me what to do and how to move forward. I let my anxiety control me, I wasnít in control of my anxiety. Honestly Iím still not, I am a lot better but I still have a long way to go.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/06/20 01:22 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
That was one of my biggest problems. Being alone, everyone said get use to it but I was so fearful. I was having massive panic attacks way back. At first the limerance was great (of course) with my GF, I felt like I found someone, someone who I could love and love me back. But I was so broken and fearful I ignored the warning signs a few months back. My fear and selfishness put me in a real situation now. I just want to work on my relationship with my kids, I need to work on myself and figuring out what I want in life. My divorce made me panic about my life and my future, yet everyone warned me what to do and how to move forward. I let my anxiety control me, I wasnít in control of my anxiety. Honestly Iím still not, I am a lot better but I still have a long way to go.


Were you ever in IC? If not it is never too late.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/06/20 01:34 PM

I was for over a year. It helped a little to bring some things to light. But I felt it was more of me just talking and her listening. She didnít really give me ways to cope with what I was feeling. I was having severe panic attacks and anxiety and she never offered anything to help me overcome that. Other than maybe I should
Go on meds. I did for about a year but I did not like the side effects. So I took myself off. I should have tried someone else. I need so much help. I am trying to get it from here now, and by reading a lot.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/06/20 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
I was for over a year. It helped a little to bring some things to light. But I felt it was more of me just talking and her listening. She didnít really give me ways to cope with what I was feeling. I was having severe panic attacks and anxiety and she never offered anything to help me overcome that. Other than maybe I should
Go on meds. I did for about a year but I did not like the side effects. So I took myself off. I should have tried someone else. I need so much help. I am trying to get it from here now, and by reading a lot.


So, you just stopped IC all together? ICs are like cars, if the one you have isn't working get rid of it and get another.

You need IC.
Posted By: MrBrside

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/06/20 02:37 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
That was one of my biggest problems. Being alone, everyone said get use to it but I was so fearful. I was having massive panic attacks way back. At first the limerance was great (of course) with my GF, I felt like I found someone, someone who I could love and love me back. But I was so broken and fearful I ignored the warning signs a few months back. My fear and selfishness put me in a real situation now. I just want to work on my relationship with my kids, I need to work on myself and figuring out what I want in life. My divorce made me panic about my life and my future, yet everyone warned me what to do and how to move forward. I let my anxiety control me, I wasnít in control of my anxiety. Honestly Iím still not, I am a lot better but I still have a long way to go.


WM, Sorry you are going through this...

But THIS ^^^ is what every LBS spouse who bangs on about dating 3 months after a seperation needs to read / be shown.. Then they need to read and re read.. and reflect on. Its a quick fix, ( at the time ) - but its rarely a fix and leads to these issues further down the line. Its probably not what they want to read, but it is gold - dating while broken equals further issues. !

You hit the nail on the head, with the selfishness - (i'm not having a go, as i'm sure you are beating yourself up enough over this ) - We all know how selfish the WW / WH can be - When kids are involved, LBS needs to focus on themselves and the kids - Not the dating pool etc.. Chances are that the WW is so self absorbed in their own new world, the LBS needs to show the children he / she is there rock, regardless of the WW / WH actions..

You have a lot of work to do wolf - on yourself and on working on proving yourself to the children.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/07/20 01:21 PM

The hardest thing lately in my life is the anxiety. I just feel so anxious all the time. I havenít had a good nights sleep in months. This whole feeling is terrible. I will need to go back to IC but with a new person. I wish I would have healed first. I will be here a lot like I said jus looking for support. I donít have much outside of here.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/07/20 01:36 PM

IC got me through the anxiety.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/07/20 02:10 PM

Originally Posted by Steve85
IC got me through the anxiety.


My GF got me through it, until this problem came up. Lol . My IC was not good. I need to find one who specializes in divorce.

Steve do you still have anxiety? Because it seems like your sit is so much better. You didnít get divorced.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/07/20 02:21 PM

Steveís IC didnít get him through it. His IC gave him the tools to get him through it.

Your GF didnít get you through your anxiety, she just masked it.

Only you can get you through your anxiety . You just need the tools and guidance to help yourself
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/07/20 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Your GF didnít get you through your anxiety, she just masked it.

I know she didnít I was just joking. I have a lot of work to do here. This is definitely a marathon. When I first came here over a year ago. I was hoping for a sprint, but never happened.
Posted By: Rose888

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/07/20 02:25 PM

Ditto to Gingerís post.

I donít think you need to find an IC that specializes in divorce. You need one that can help you build a toolkit to respond to stress. Itís less important what is causing the stress.

An IC isnít going to change your situation. Itís going to help you change, and that might change your situation.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/07/20 02:38 PM

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Steveís IC didnít get him through it. His IC gave him the tools to get him through it.

Your GF didnít get you through your anxiety, she just masked it.

Only you can get you through your anxiety . You just need the tools and guidance to help yourself


Yep, what Ginger said is what I meant, and I meant got me through the anxiety. I tell LBSs all the time that most of them suffer from some level of PTSD. Trying to deal with PTSD on your own is a fool's game. Admit you need help, then go get it.

As far as now, 2 1/2 years into piecing and ring, the anxiety is much less. The only time I feel anxious now is if I feel myself trying to slip back into old behaviors. It is a WiP. You do not take years and even decades of habits and change them over night. I am still diligent to this day in making sure I am on top of the changes I worked through with my IC. I had a bit of a god complex, the belief that the world revolved around me. It was through IC I learned that 99% of things are not about me at all! So anytime I feel that old feeling of "the world should be this way because that's how I want it" creeping up and have to talk myself down off that ledge. The world doesn't give to shakes about Steve85. And I have to be ok with that!

Yes I was able to save my MR....but that wording is wrong. I was able to forge a new MR with my W. There was no going back to the old one for either of us. IC and MC helped greatly through that.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/09/20 01:16 PM

Steve I am so happy it worked out or is working out for you. Your story is an inspiration to all. I understand it takes time to change old behaviors, it takes time to learn from our mistakes. Itís hard for us to think we are wrong. I have reflected so much the last 2 years and trying to be a better person. I use to be spiteful and hold grudges, I donít do that anymore. I am really trying to learn to look at a situation through another persons eyes. I wish I had these smiles before my d, but all I can do is move forward and not look back. This has been a long road to get to this point, I still have a long road to walk to improve and learn more. This board has helped me so much from the validation cheat sheet, to boundaries, to the advice of so many. This board should be required for all marriages. It helps people open their eyes to the work that is needed in a marriage.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/09/20 02:22 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Steve I am so happy it worked out or is working out for you. Your story is an inspiration to all. I understand it takes time to change old behaviors, it takes time to learn from our mistakes. Itís hard for us to think we are wrong. I have reflected so much the last 2 years and trying to be a better person. I use to be spiteful and hold grudges, I donít do that anymore. I am really trying to learn to look at a situation through another persons eyes. I wish I had these smiles before my d, but all I can do is move forward and not look back. This has been a long road to get to this point, I still have a long road to walk to improve and learn more. This board has helped me so much from the validation cheat sheet, to boundaries, to the advice of so many. This board should be required for all marriages. It helps people open their eyes to the work that is needed in a marriage.


Well said!
Posted By: tom_h

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/11/20 05:55 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
The hardest thing lately in my life is the anxiety. I just feel so anxious all the time. I havenít had a good nights sleep in months. This whole feeling is terrible. I will need to go back to IC but with a new person. I wish I would have healed first. I will be here a lot like I said jus looking for support. I donít have much outside of here.


Wolfman, I'm new to your thread. My sich was a WAW a year ago, and I had extreme anxiety and sleeplessness for months. In the first few months I couldn't sleep more than one hour at a time and was having horrible night sweats due to anxiety.

Doctor told me the first thing to handle was sleep. So he put me on a very light dose of a non-addictive prescriptive sleeping pill. It did wonders. I'm not an M.D., so I can hardly give advice, but I'd recommend you consider fixing your sleeplessness first as a way to lessen anxiety. Getting from 1-2 hours to 6-7 hours a night of sleep changed everything for me.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/14/20 05:12 PM

Tom thank you for the recommendation. I definitely could use more sleep.

I am in a bind. I need to know how to proceed. I know what needs to be done but donít know how to go about it. My ex GF came back into the home. We tried talking a out things but has gone nowhere. She wants engagement or nothing. I said try and work on relationship but she doesnít want to hear it. So, now she is living here at my house the last few days and we have been more like roommates. Last night she wanted to know what was going on, as far as if I changed my mind. She wants me to say something like in 2 months we will get engaged. I told her I couldnít give her a time line. So the conversation went south. We were talking at it was 11:30 at night and I get up real early for work. So I told her I wanted to go to bed and she felt I was dismissing her. I explained we could continue this tomorrow. We went back and forth a little more and then she flipped out. Went to grab documents I have for my case against my ex and she said she was going to burn them. And she ran into the kitchen with the papers and then grabbed a lighter to light it on fire. I tried talking her down and she wouldnít stop. Finally I had to grab her to grab the lighter. After more yelling I got her to calm down. My question is, who do I get her to leave? I donít rust her in my home when I go to work. Iím afraid to ask her to leave of what she might do. Also the whole idea of her being pregnant.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/14/20 06:04 PM

Man up. Tell her she has to leave.

Have 911 on speed dial in the event she refuses.

Wolfman's NGS is flaring up.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/14/20 06:15 PM

Or do this:

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Hi Wolf,

Be the leader.

Get into couple therapy with her. Find 3 or 4 in your area and both of you go interview them. Jointly pick one.

We all have issues. The people in our lives are there to point them out to us and help us fix them.


You can handle this.



Evaluate all your choices, make a choice, accept the consequences of that choice. Rinse and repeat.
Posted By: BL42

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/14/20 06:29 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
I explained we could continue this tomorrow. We went back and forth a little more and then she flipped out. Went to grab documents I have for my case against my ex and she said she was going to burn them. And she ran into the kitchen with the papers and then grabbed a lighter to light it on fire. I tried talking her down and she wouldnít stop. Finally I had to grab her to grab the lighter. After more yelling I got her to calm down.

Rather than waiting to discuss the situation further tomorrow she grabbed divorce documents related to your other ex and threatened to burn them with a lighter?!? That is a MASSIVE red flag.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/14/20 06:49 PM

Originally Posted by Steve85
Man up.
Wolfman's NGS is flaring up.


Definitely is. The minute I stand my ground on certain things she starts crying and delaying how can I say that, that she is pregnant. For example. She said she is looking for a place to move out to. But needs till December!???? My feeling is what are you kidding me. She wants to freeload. So I told her that was unacceptable either she moves out now or if she needs a little time then she has to pay me rent. And I got how could I do that to a pregnant woman? Throw her in the street or make her pay rent. Then she makes me feel bad.

BL42 Definitely red flag. When she gets angry her motto is get even. She has always said if someone does something to her she will not let it go and get them back. I should have known a long time ago. But everyone was right.
Hey the people that are on here PLEASE LISTEN TO THE VETS. They warned me about jumping into another relationship. Ugh!!
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/14/20 08:00 PM

Wolfman, very sorry you're going through this, wow. Remove every important document from the house and any items of value until she's gone. Talk to a lawyer about your legal options for getting her out. It varies from state to state, here in TX if someone is allowed to live in your house for a certain length of time and receives mail there then they are a resident and you can't just kick them out, you have to go through eviction proceedings. If she hasn't been there long then you may be able to ask her to leave, and if she refuses then you can call the police for assistance. But I don't know the specifics and that's why I suggest talking to a lawyer first.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/14/20 09:40 PM

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Wolfman, very sorry you're going through this, wow. Remove every important document from the house and any items of value until she's gone. Talk to a lawyer about your legal options for getting her out. It varies from state to state, here in TX if someone is allowed to live in your house for a certain length of time and receives mail there then they are a resident and you can't just kick them out, you have to go through eviction proceedings. If she hasn't been there long then you may be able to ask her to leave, and if she refuses then you can call the police for assistance. But I don't know the specifics and that's why I suggest talking to a lawyer first.


Same here in NY. After 30 days I would have to evict her if she refuses to leave. But thatís also where my conscious tugs on me, because she is pregnant I feel bad. Any women chime in. She keeps playing the pregnant card on me knowing it makes me feel bad. She wants to live in my home till December. Not doing anything but for herself and not pay a dime. I feel that is unacceptable since we are not a couple. If we were a couple of course I would do anything for her. I don let trust her in the home. I hid all my jewelry and important documents
Posted By: may22

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/15/20 03:10 AM

The pregnant part doesn't help. Does she have any other support system, family, etc.?

Honestly, she sounds like a total head case and not someone I would want living in my house either. But, she's pregnant with your kid. And (this might sound harsh and others might disagree) but that's on you. And tbh... I do think kicking your pregnant GF onto the street is not exactly the right thing to do.

Reality is when she has your child, you'll have to be paying child support if you guys are separated, and you'll have to figure out how to co-parent with her even if she is a little nutso. I might do the math on what child support is going to be and maybe you can start paying it now so she can find a place to live that isn't with you.

Sorry I can't be a cheerleader on this. You're in a really tough situation.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/15/20 11:30 AM

Holy crap. It never occurred to me that she ACTUALLY lived there, Wolfman. Wow, not only did you go against advice and start dating, but then you moved in a live-in GF? Wow, you really went all in.

Good luck, I have a feeling the breakup is going to be a messy one.
Posted By: MrBrside

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/15/20 11:45 AM

WM,

She sounds proper bunny boiler, who acts without thinking of the consequences..

What if one of them lit pieces of paper caught a tea towel or curtain - and it spread...

In your sitch, i would take advice.

Not only that, document everything. I would also be tempted to record or film any of this crazy stuff..

This is going to pan out badly..

When it comes to the child, you need to sort your rights and access as soon as the child is born.. But she will probably go the other way ( restrict access etc ) and say that you abandoned her / kicked her out when you found out she is pregnant..

Think how this looks from the 3rd party side.. You find out your parrtner is pregnant and ask her to leave / end it. Thats how she will sell it - and it makes you look like a really bad person, before that child is even born - hence you need to get your ducks in a row to ensure you dont look like the abuser.

The long term, there is this poor child.. Again, if shes prone to these crazy outbursts, she will probably paint you as the bad parent..

Take advice, keep evidence and keep your nerve - dont give her anything to use against you...
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/15/20 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by Steve85
Holy crap. It never occurred to me that she ACTUALLY lived there, Wolfman. Wow, not only did you go against advice and start dating, but then you moved in a live-in GF? Wow, you really went all in.

Good luck, I have a feeling the breakup is going to be a messy one.


Yeah my loneliness took over. I was so afraid of being alone. It was a mistake. We were dating 8 months when she moved in. I didnít listen to the advice on here and made a huge mistake. Let this be a lesson to the people who come on here and try to patch up their ďholesĒ in themself with dating another person. I would have been real hard at first, but I wouldnít be in this situation right now. I have no one to blame but myself.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/15/20 12:30 PM

Originally Posted by may22
The pregnant part doesn't help. Does she have any other support system, family, etc.? .


Before she moved in she lived with her parents. Her and her mom do not get along. Her parents barely speak to one another(they still are married and live together). She doesnít talk to her brother or sister either. She only has 2 close friends. So not a big support system.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/15/20 01:20 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Originally Posted by may22
The pregnant part doesn't help. Does she have any other support system, family, etc.? .


Before she moved in she lived with her parents. Her and her mom do not get along. Her parents barely speak to one another(they still are married and live together). She doesnít talk to her brother or sister either. She only has 2 close friends. So not a big support system.


So she saw you as her escape plan.............
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/15/20 02:13 PM

Oh man, I didn't realize she was pregnant with your child. I'm sure you mentioned it before but my time on the forums has been very limited for the last few months so I'm not fully up on most of the stories. I can certainly understand your conundrum, you want her to be safe and healthy for the baby but the longer she's there the harder it will be to get her out. Here in TX if they are in your house long enough then you are considered common-law married and getting her out would involve divorce proceedings and splitting YOUR assets with her.

After BD I started dating this young lady and after a few months her lease was up and when she went to renew it (the day before it was to expire!) they told her they would not because she had a pit bull which was against their lease. She was in a panic because she couldn't find a new place by the next day so I offered to let her stay at my place a couple of weeks until she could get a new place sorted out. OH MAN was that a mistake. She made zero effort to find a new place. She had a moving business but completely quit working claiming the economy was bad (it wasn't). I would absolutely cringe when I came home from work and saw her car sitting in the drive, and sure enough I would walk in and there she is in one of the recliners watching TV having just woke up at 5 PM!!!!! Usually high as a kite. It all came to a head when I came home one day and we got into an argument about something and she ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, went back to the living room and cut a gash in her arm in front of me. I immediately grabbed my phone to call 911 and she freaked out, told me to hang up and she would leave. And she did. I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my life.

I share this with you because if your GF is like she was, then she is intentionally taking advantage of you. You need to protect yourself first and foremost, because take it from me, the crazy train just keeps moving faster towards that collapsed bridge up ahead.
Posted By: Rose888

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/15/20 02:13 PM

Wolf, you donít need help from the board. You need professional help from a lawyer and a counselor.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/15/20 03:18 PM

Originally Posted by Rose888
Wolf, you donít need help from the board. You need professional help from a lawyer and a counselor.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Do this:
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Hi Wolf,

Be the leader.

Get into couple therapy with her. Find 3 or 4 in your area and both of you go interview them. Jointly pick one.

We all have issues. The people in our lives are there to point them out to us and help us fix them.


You can handle this.




Wolf, do you understand why we are recommending this?
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/16/20 04:01 PM

R2C I understand why you are recommending this.
A big turn of events yesterday. She said she wanted to speak to me. I thought here we go again. But she did a complete 180. She apologized for everything. The way she has been behaving, how she has treated me and even about putting pressure on me to get engaged. She agreed that we need to have a solid foundation before we could move forward. I have never seen this side of her. She finally put her pride to the side and realized what she has done. I am no angel in all of this either. She even recognized that I am the one who usually goes to her to make things right. And that she wants to go into counseling. She really wants to work on everything she said. The biggest reason she explained is because she is pregnant and doesnít want the baby to grow up in a broken family. That she is willing to put the work in to make it work. I was so happy to hear all of this, I feel like the pressure is off the get engaged, that she is willing to hear my opinion on things, I am going to work hard on what she wants me to work on. I honestly donít want to have 2 baby mamas. I am definitely willing to give it a shot. I apologize that it wasnít more detailed but I hope everyone got the gist of what happened. From the outside is this a good thing or is it a ploy? Anyone else experience this. Obviously right now itís just words, letís see if her actions follow. I will certainly work on mine.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/16/20 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
From the outside is this a good thing or is it a ploy? Anyone else experience this. Obviously right now itís just words, letís see if her actions follow. I will certainly work on mine.


Have definitely seen these "epiphanies" before and they usually don't last. Sometimes they don't even last a day before the old BS starts up again. You are correct, wait to see what her actions are. Do not pin any hope whatsoever on her words. I would absolutely 100% continue to move on getting her out of the house.
Posted By: Core

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/16/20 05:06 PM

Hi Wolf,

I agree with AS. Look to her actions. This could be a tactic or it could be a change of heart. What you still know either way is how far she was willing to go to get her way and you saw the red flags that were raised. This could be a good change but caution is warranted.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/16/20 05:21 PM

Agree with the others. Let her actions match these words.........for a long time! Not, "oh she was nice today so I believe her!" IF she can remain friendly through the pregnancy even though you guys are broke up, then maybe you can start trusting it.
Posted By: may22

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/16/20 06:05 PM

Seriously, guys?

Maybe she's a nutjob. But she's PREGNANT. And scared. No support system. Facing the prospect of raising a baby alone. You have crazy hormones running through your veins that you've never had before, you probably feel like cr@p most of the time, your body is actually making another HUMAN BEING and 100% of your focus is being sure that that baby has the best possible future. I can imagine acting a little crazy under those circumstances and pushing for commitment. Also, parenthood is an enormous game changer. I can absolutely believe that she'd be willing to pivot 180 degrees if it was in the best interest of her child and stick to it.

Sorry, but I don't agree with the men on this one. Counseling and working on communication with a good therapist sounds like it should be a good thing no matter what, since you'll be in a co-parenting relationship at the very least for the next 18 years. Sure, see a L to be sure your rights are protected and know what the laws are regarding common law marriage in your state. Get your valuables out of the house and into a safe deposit box, if you're really worried. And, if you think she's potentially a physical threat to your safety, then obviously get out or get her out. But this is the mother of your child. Do you want him or her to grow up knowing that as soon as Daddy found out Mommy was pregnant, he kicked her out of the house?
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/16/20 06:49 PM

Originally Posted by may22
Sorry, but I don't agree with the men on this one. Counseling and working on communication with a good therapist sounds like it should be a good thing no matter what, since you'll be in a co-parenting relationship at the very least for the next 18 years. Sure, see a L to be sure your rights are protected and know what the laws are regarding common law marriage in your state. Get your valuables out of the house and into a safe deposit box, if you're really worried. And, if you think she's potentially a physical threat to your safety, then obviously get out or get her out. But this is the mother of your child. Do you want him or her to grow up knowing that as soon as Daddy found out Mommy was pregnant, he kicked her out of the house?
I am as manly as they come and agree with may22.

Wolf, you have been here long enough. It is your job as the man to lead. Let go of the fear. Do things with the intention on making things better. Do what you believe is the right thing to do. Not was is easy. Not what you want. Not what she wants.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/16/20 07:52 PM

Wow thank you everyone. Some real mixed opinions here. I am going to try and see if her actions will match her words. I am going to get us into therapy. I like to see the various opinions here. Look the reality is I will have my eyes open to make sure we donít go back down that path.
Originally Posted by may22
Seriously, guys?
Maybe she's a nutjob. But she's PREGNANT. And scared. No support system. Facing the prospect of raising a baby alone. You have crazy hormones running through your veins that you've never had before, you probably feel like cr@p most of the time...

I agree with this. I know she is scared because she doesnít have a great family and she would feel alone. She does complain about feeling sick every so often. With that being said it still doesnít give her a right to be completely nasty to me. She did say if that happens again to point it out to her. She doesnít want to treat me like that.

Right now I am taking it one day at a time and see how things go. Actions right now not the words. At least she took the pressure off of marriage and engagement. Thank you everyone for being right here for me. I donít have much of a support system. You guys are. THANK YOU!!!
Posted By: IronWill

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/16/20 11:01 PM

Wolf -

I would recommend you listen to may.

To show empathy, you must get out of your own perspective. See yourself as someone else would see you. In this case, see yourself and your situation as your GF would.

In my opinion, when children are involved, things change drastically. You will have the responsibility of being this child's father for the rest of your life. Think about what kind of relationship you want. You have some time to think about it. Use that time.

Take care.
Posted By: tom_h

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/18/20 08:43 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
She wants engagement or nothing. I said try and work on relationship but she doesnít want to hear it. ... Last night she wanted to know what was going on, as far as if I changed my mind. She wants me to say something like in 2 months we will get engaged. I told her I couldnít give her a time line. ... We went back and forth a little more and then she flipped out. Went to grab documents I have for my case against my ex and she said she was going to burn them ...

May had some good advice. But it sounds like some real wild wild west activity in your place. I personally have never been a fan of wild mood swings because -- even if she's pregnant -- that does not bode well for the future.

Question #1: do you love her? If no, then end it now and ask her to leave.

Question #2: if you think you love her, then ask yourself if you can live with this kind of mental instability (trying to burn your legal papers) for the next 50 years. Yes, her hormones are raging but I wouldn't blame this all on hormones. A woman willing to burn something to punish you is a woman, five years from now, who will drive your truck into a ravine, put ex-lax in your coffee, or have a quickie with your friend (and send you the pictures) because she's angry at you. If you can handle this amount of drama ... well, at least your eyes are wide open.

Sorry, Wolf, I'm showing my biases here but I hope to give you a perspective I'm not sure you've gotten yet.
Posted By: tom_h

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/18/20 10:22 PM

Originally Posted by may22
The pregnant part doesn't help. Does she have any other support system, family, etc.?

Honestly, she sounds like a total head case and not someone I would want living in my house either. But, she's pregnant with your kid. And (this might sound harsh and others might disagree) but that's on you. And tbh... I do think kicking your pregnant GF onto the street is not exactly the right thing to do.

Reality is when she has your child, you'll have to be paying child support if you guys are separated, and you'll have to figure out how to co-parent with her even if she is a little nutso. I might do the math on what child support is going to be and maybe you can start paying it now so she can find a place to live that isn't with you.

Sorry I can't be a cheerleader on this. You're in a really tough situation.

If Wolf decides he doesn't want to live with her, does it matter if he owns or rents the place? If he rents it, is it possible for him to terminate the lease and they both move out; then he gets another place without her? Meaning, his obligation to "evict" her ends when the lease is up or the house is sold? Because that is what I would do. I would not trust that she wouldn't, at this stage, be a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Wolf, you're not certain about marriage and you don't want to live with her, but you are open to exploring your relationship. Find the easiest way to get her out of your place and then, living apart, start to figure out things. And, like Steve85 and I have been messaging about, try to avoid falling into the trap that because you have good sex, you must be in love. A woman's sex drive is always strongest when she wants a man, or wants a child with a man. A woman's sex drive usually (not always) wanes after having children. Male LBS are always susceptible to this trap.
Posted By: may22

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/18/20 11:30 PM

Originally Posted by tom_h
A woman's sex drive is always strongest when she wants a man, or wants a child with a man. A woman's sex drive usually (not always) wanes after having children. Male LBS are always susceptible to this trap.

Holy cow.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/18/20 11:34 PM

I will say this again.

A womanís sex drive wanes when the guy isnít doing anything to rev it up.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/19/20 12:33 PM

Originally Posted by may22
Originally Posted by tom_h
A woman's sex drive is always strongest when she wants a man, or wants a child with a man. A woman's sex drive usually (not always) wanes after having children. Male LBS are always susceptible to this trap.

Holy cow.

I disagree with that. Making a woman feel loved and appreciated can keep her sex drive alive. And every woman is different too.
My ex wife never had a sex drive at the beginning, during or trying to have children. It never existed. My ex was also a virgin when I met her at 21. Just was something she never care about. Then I meet my GF and holy cow, it was non stop, I could barely keep up. So like I said, every woman is different.

This weekend was a great weekend. Everything went well. We cleaned up and out the house. No issues a lot of laughs and love. It felt great. Letís see if this stays.
I have a different concern here. Completely different. How my kids will take the news when I tell them my GF is pregnant. And when I should tell them?
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/19/20 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I will say this again.

A womanís sex drive wanes when the guy isnít doing anything to rev it up.


THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman's sex drive wanes when the guy is also a selfish jerkface that isn't meeting her needs, even if she feels stuck with him in a crappy,. loveless marriage.

My W's current sex drive is proof that if the H is putting in the energy to the relationship then her sex drive will follow suit! I was in a SSM for a longtime because I stopped being there for her emotionally, making her feel special, making her feel desirable and wanted, doing my part.

Guys, never stop dating your W. PERIOD. When you take her for granted, yeah her sex drive will wane.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/19/20 12:40 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Originally Posted by may22
Originally Posted by tom_h
A woman's sex drive is always strongest when she wants a man, or wants a child with a man. A woman's sex drive usually (not always) wanes after having children. Male LBS are always susceptible to this trap.

Holy cow.

I disagree with that. Making a woman feel loved and appreciated can keep her sex drive alive. And every woman is different too.
My ex wife never had a sex drive at the beginning, during or trying to have children. It never existed. My ex was also a virgin when I met her at 21. Just was something she never care about. Then I meet my GF and holy cow, it was non stop, I could barely keep up. So like I said, every woman is different.

This weekend was a great weekend. Everything went well. We cleaned up and out the house. No issues a lot of laughs and love. It felt great. Letís see if this stays.
I have a different concern here. Completely different. How my kids will take the news when I tell them my GF is pregnant. And when I should tell them?


WM, that is not going to be an easy discussion. And the longer you wait the harder it will be. So yes you need to tell them ASAP.

I will go back on record here as saying that this pregnancy doesn't mean you should also make the mistake of committing to this woman long-term. I don't remember how you know she is pregnant. Did she tell you? Did you see the test for yourself? The timing of "I am breaking up with you" "Oh, I am pregnant" smells fishy to me. You will always be this child's father, that doesn't mean you have to be her husband.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/19/20 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Originally Posted by may22
Originally Posted by tom_h
A woman's sex drive is always strongest when she wants a man, or wants a child with a man. A woman's sex drive usually (not always) wanes after having children. Male LBS are always susceptible to this trap.

Holy cow.

I disagree with that. Making a woman feel loved and appreciated can keep her sex drive alive. And every woman is different too.
My ex wife never had a sex drive at the beginning, during or trying to have children. It never existed. My ex was also a virgin when I met her at 21. Just was something she never care about. Then I meet my GF and holy cow, it was non stop, I could barely keep up. So like I said, every woman is different.

This weekend was a great weekend. Everything went well. We cleaned up and out the house. No issues a lot of laughs and love. It felt great. Letís see if this stays.
I have a different concern here. Completely different. How my kids will take the news when I tell them my GF is pregnant. And when I should tell them?


WM, that is not going to be an easy discussion. And the longer you wait the harder it will be. So yes you need to tell them ASAP.

I will go back on record here as saying that this pregnancy doesn't mean you should also make the mistake of committing to this woman long-term. I don't remember how you know she is pregnant. Did she tell you? Did you see the test for yourself? The timing of "I am breaking up with you" "Oh, I am pregnant" smells fishy to me. You will always be this child's father, that doesn't mean you have to be her husband.


I saw the sonogram. And she has an appointment with the gyno Nov. 2 and I am going. I felt that way too, it was a little fishy at first, but once I saw the sonogram I felt it was real. The whole committed thing has me going back and forth. I feel like I should as a man and now a father again. Itís tough. I feel like I am too quick to run. With my ex, I am the one at first that suggested a little ďtime offĒ. That I would move out for her to clear her head and in the back of my mind teach her a lesson on how much I do and how much she will miss out on. Well that completely backfired because I got divorced. I donít want to run, at least right away. I want to to know I have exhausted every possibility to make it work. And if then itís still not working, then, yes we will have to break up.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/19/20 01:25 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman

I saw the sonogram. And she has an appointment with the gyno Nov. 2 and I am going. I felt that way too, it was a little fishy at first, but once I saw the sonogram I felt it was real. The whole committed thing has me going back and forth. I feel like I should as a man and now a father again. Itís tough. I feel like I am too quick to run. With my ex, I am the one at first that suggested a little ďtime offĒ. That I would move out for her to clear her head and in the back of my mind teach her a lesson on how much I do and how much she will miss out on. Well that completely backfired because I got divorced. I donít want to run, at least right away. I want to to know I have exhausted every possibility to make it work. And if then itís still not working, then, yes we will have to break up.


It is your life. As I stated before, I've seen dozens of marriages start like this. Woman gets pregnant, man feels obligated. They get married only to have a very rocky marriage, and the vast majority end in D. Just think long and hard about it because being this baby's father doesn't mean you have to be its mother's husband. You already know that with your other kids. I guess what I am saying is do not follow 1 mistake (getting her pregnant) with another (marrying her).

One last question...how long after the breakup did she produce the sonogram?
Posted By: Rose888

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/19/20 02:06 PM

Steve, I am pretty sure itís the other way around on the timing.

She told Wolf she was pregnant and a week or so later, he broke up with her.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/19/20 03:43 PM

Originally Posted by Rose888
Steve, I am pretty sure itís the other way around on the timing.

She told Wolf she was pregnant and a week or so later, he broke up with her.


That is correct Rose.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/19/20 04:28 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Originally Posted by Rose888
Steve, I am pretty sure itís the other way around on the timing.

She told Wolf she was pregnant and a week or so later, he broke up with her.


That is correct Rose.


And he told us he broke up with her before he told us she was pregnant.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/19/20 04:32 PM

This is true, he told us a few versions.
Posted By: Wolfman

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/24/20 06:06 PM

I apologize for the confusion. What happened again. She told me she was pregnant and about a week or 2 later I broke up with her.

Ok I have a question. I think I know the answer. My girlfriend is living with me, if we break up and she asks to live in my home for 2 months do I have a right to ask her to pay rent? Not a lot like $200-$300 a month. Even if she said she would be out in 2 months? Or is it wrong because she is pregnant and only collecting unemployment?
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/24/20 09:25 PM

Would it be wrong? I don't think it is unethical or immoral. Should you? Probably not. Consult an attorney that knows the law around this stuff for your state.
Posted By: may22

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/25/20 08:22 AM

Omg. Iím sorry. If sheís your girlfriend (read = screwing you) she doesnít have to pay rent but when she stops she does? I donít understand. I donít get why she is living with you without some discussion prior to this up front about her splitting housing costs with you in the first place, pregnant or not. Sounds like she canít really afford it, which maybe is why you agreed in the first place. She is still carrying your child, right? How much money do you want to make off her in the next few months? Will it be worth it?

In an earlier post I noted that youíll be paying child support soon assuming you split, and maybe you could calculate what that will be monthly and just start giving it to her now if you want her out so badly. To me, you have a moral responsibility to her and to your child and quibbling about how much rent she owes you if you are ďbroken upĒ feels gross.

Sorry if I sound harsh. I know you must be having a terrible time. I just think you need to get ahold of yourself and focus on what is the right thing to do, now.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/25/20 01:52 PM

I don't know about a moral responsibility to her. To the child yes. While she is carrying the child is a gray area, but Wolfman, you didn't marry her, and I don't think you should. So work with her to help her find a place before the child is born, and then support your child.
Posted By: MLCxH

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/25/20 06:03 PM

Originally Posted by may22
Omg. Iím sorry. If sheís your girlfriend (read = screwing you) she doesnít have to pay rent but when she stops she does? I donít understand.


I am sorry but how is this sort of feedback helpful to Wolfman? She was an adult woman and knew what she was doing. In my opinion, why should he have an obligation to let her live in his home even if he did that previously? He has an obligation to the child and to help the mother of his child but we should be careful to not judge him when he his here asking for our help. Each of us has our moral standards and it is not right to impose our moral standards on others, especially when they are going through a tough time and reaching out for our help here. My apologies for stating my opinion bluntly, if that was harsh.
Posted By: may22

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/25/20 06:44 PM

Iím sorry, I donít mean to post unhelpful feedback or impose my moral beliefs on others. I really donít. I thought he was genuinely looking for feedback, not just support for his decisions.

I meantó I donít understand why she was living there without paying rent in the first placeó it doesnít make sense to me regardless of whether or not they were together. And then to extract a couple hundred dollars a month because she is no longer a couple but is carrying his child seems odd.

Iím not saying he has to marry her or let her live there. Iím saying he will soon have a financial obligation to his child anyway, so charging her for a few monthsí worth of rent seems petty when that will be a drop in the bucket once the child is born. And, maybe the best option is to help her find her own place and start paying child support now. There are a lot of studies on the effects of maternal stress on the fetus and if I were him Iíd be doing everything I could to support her and minimize her stress, regardless of whether or not I wanted to be involved in a romantic relationship with her.

And... yes, sheís an adult woman. And probably feeling more alone and stressed and scared than she ever has in her life. Imagine being in her shoes for a second. Unemployed, pregnant, not in a relationship with the father. Iím sure this is not how she imagined having her first baby. Itís a stressful situation for everyone involved.

Anyway, Iíll stop posting on this thread. Apologies, Wolfman.
Posted By: MLCxH

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/25/20 08:04 PM

May, I know your heart was in the right place. It's just the way that one sentence was written that sounded unhelpful in my opinion.

People come here looking for help and they will be discouraged if they don't feel this is a safe place without judgement. A 2x4 to steer them in the right direction is very different from judging them. We all tend to fall into this trap at one time or another and it is not just you. We owe it to ourselves to keep ourselves honest and that was my only intention here.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/26/20 02:42 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Ok I have a question. I think I know the answer. My girlfriend is living with me, if we break up and she asks to live in my home for 2 months do I have a right to ask her to pay rent? Not a lot like $200-$300 a month. Even if she said she would be out in 2 months? Or is it wrong because she is pregnant and only collecting unemployment?


Wolfman, I really do feel for you, you are facing some extremely difficult moral dilemmas with this situation. If she wasn't pregnant with your child this would be a lot easier to sort out! If your intent is to get her out of the house then I would think you would not want her staying another 2 months whether you charge her rent or not. The longer she stays there then the stronger her legal rights become to claim residency. If 2 months turn to 4, then turns to "after the baby", you may not be able to get her out at all. You really should discuss that with a lawyer.

Morally, on the face of it, it just seems really "wrong" to kick a woman out of your house that doesn't have any other housing prospects and is carrying your child. Alcohol and drug use among the homeless is very high and she could very well harm the baby in that way if simply turned out on the streets. But you've indicated that you think she may have mental problems and that the two of you have a very toxic relationship, so keeping her there may make your life a living hell. So if you think that her staying there is just not an option because of that, then I would say that morally speaking, the "right" thing to do would be to help her find some place to live and give her some financial support to help her get by for a while, at least until the baby is born. But that too I would discuss with a lawyer, because I have no idea if that would set a precedent for future "alimony" of some kind (IE, if you voluntarily support her then are you on the hook for doing so indefinitely).

Very sorry you're going through this, I know it must be miserable!
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/26/20 06:30 PM

Originally Posted by Wolfman
My girlfriend is living with me, if we break up and she asks to live in my home for 2 months do I have a right to ask her to pay rent? Not a lot like $200-$300 a month. Even if she said she would be out in 2 months? Or is it wrong because she is pregnant and only collecting unemployment?


Hi Wolf,

Do you want to quibble with her?
Posted By: BL42

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/27/20 02:35 AM

Wolfman,

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Ok I have a question. I think I know the answer. My girlfriend is living with me, if we break up and she asks to live in my home for 2 months do I have a right to ask her to pay rent? Not a lot like $200-$300 a month. Even if she said she would be out in 2 months? Or is it wrong because she is pregnant and only collecting unemployment?

Just my $0.02 but it does, as May22 says, seem quite petty to me if she's carrying your baby.

Just recently you broke up with her (a week after finding out she was pregnant with your child) and were looking for advice to kick her out because she threatened to burn your legal documents related to your divorce with your ex and you don't trust her with your valuables...and now she's still living with you and you're referring to her as your girlfriend ("if we break up") and asking if she should pay you a few hundred dollars on rent???

You need to decide whether you do trust her not to do those things and want to be in a relationship with her, or if you want her to move out - but don't ask her for a few hundred dollars to stay with you for two months. As someone said you may be paying child support soon enough. It's not to say you should get engaged and marry her, or that you shouldn't consult a L about the legal aspect of her living there, but don't threaten to kick the woman who's pregnant with your child out of your place for $200.
Posted By: job

Re: Midlife wife crisis 15 - 10/27/20 12:17 PM

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Midlife wise crisis 16
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