I’ve been reading some new and old posts over the past week. I wish I’d read some of these a lot earlier on in the separation.
I apologise for my abreviations, I will try my best.
I also hope this is in the right thread, I’m new to this forum thing.
My story so far, about 6-8 weeks ago my w (33F) told me she is unhappy.
We’ve been together 9 years and M almost 5 of those and we have a 3 yr old S together. In my eyes it has always been a great time together, there has never been any violence or abuse, almost no arguments.
Our time as parents did not begin well, I was diagnosed with a brain tumour 5 weeks after our S was born. I had it removed 3 months later. I am now tumour free, this would have put a strain on our MR.
Me (41M) can’t understand why. First she said that the joy had gone from us.
I will say this year I personally be a lot busier and stressed at work and I admit that our QT and SL has not been the same.
After our recent COVID lockdown quarantine she has been going out with friends a lot more. All this group of friends are single.
She has started drinking more, buying new clothes that she would’ve worn in her 20s.
She also has been very distant with her family and friends.
We tried to talk about things and both went to seperate therapy sessions.
We went to one therapy session together but she wasn’t very open to going to more.
I begrudgingly agreed to seperate as I didn’t think they workout, and take turn about for a week living in our family home separately with our S for consistency.
Naturally I did all the “usual small amount of begging, sending flowers etc.”
Around 4 weeks into the separation my W told me ILYBNILWY. And that there is no chance of reconciliation.
She has it in her mind to completely seperate and sell our family home. She has also started to purchase items for her new apartment.
I have a feeling she still cares, she messages me occasionally and messages to family about birthdays.
I recently had minor surgery and she offered and followed through with taking me to hospital.
It feels like there are so many mixed signals but it feels like she has also made up her mind to leave.
We are in contact via texting, mainly about our S.
Next week we are going to seperate our finances and organise a a formal separation agreement.
Need guidance/help is it a break up or MLC or WAW?
I really don’t know where I stand. crazy
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I’ve been reading some new and old posts over the past week. I wish I’d read some of these a lot earlier on in the separation.
I apologise for my abreviations, I will try my best.
I also hope this is in the right thread, I’m new to this forum thing.
My story so far, about 6-8 weeks ago my w (33F) told me she is unhappy.
We’ve been together 9 years and M almost 5 of those and we have a 3 yr old S together. In my eyes it has always been a great time together, there has never been any violence or abuse, almost no arguments.
Our time as parents did not begin well, I was diagnosed with a brain tumour 5 weeks after our S was born. I had it removed 3 months later. I am now tumour free, this would have put a strain on our MR.
Me (41M) can’t understand why. First she said that the joy had gone from us.
I will say this year I personally be a lot busier and stressed at work and I admit that our QT and SL has not been the same.
After our recent COVID lockdown quarantine she has been going out with friends a lot more. All this group of friends are single.
She has started drinking more, buying new clothes that she would’ve worn in her 20s.
She also has been very distant with her family and friends.
We tried to talk about things and both went to seperate therapy sessions.
We went to one therapy session together but she wasn’t very open to going to more.
I begrudgingly agreed to seperate as I didn’t think they workout, and take turn about for a week living in our family home separately with our S for consistency.
Naturally I did all the “usual small amount of begging, sending flowers etc.”
Around 4 weeks into the separation my W told me ILYBNILWY. And that there is no chance of reconciliation.
She has it in her mind to completely seperate and sell our family home. She has also started to purchase items for her new apartment.
I have a feeling she still cares, she messages me occasionally and messages to family about birthdays.
I recently had minor surgery and she offered and followed through with taking me to hospital.
It feels like there are so many mixed signals but it feels like she has also made up her mind to leave.
We are in contact via texting, mainly about our S.
Next week we are going to seperate our finances and organise a a formal separation agreement.
Need guidance/help is it a break up or MLC or WAW?
I really don’t know where I stand. crazy
NZ, sorry man. These things are difficult. I'm glad you found the forum. You've admitted to a few mistakes (begging, pursuing, etc). You are still making a few. Trying to attach meaning to anything she says or does. Staying in contact about anything other than your S. Etc.
First, remember to believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. WASs are interesting creatures. They'll say what is expedient at the moment. They'll do things to relieve their own guilt. When the LBS starts to try to attach significance to the words and actions that when they get confused. "Sheb said X, so maybe she wantsn to get back together! But she is buying things for her apartment, that means she doesn't! She helped me through surgery, she still cares! She is pushing for a formal separation, there is no chance at R!" We LBS are like a feather, blowing in the wind, and the WAS' words and deeds are the wind.
So stop trying to decipher what she says and does. Likely she isn't even sure if herself, how could you be sure of what she wants. My W told me late in our sitch that she wasn't sure what she wanted from minute to minute! She could say something based on how she felt one moment, then have a complete change of heart a minute later. You cannot understand crazy.
So take the focus off of her. Go out a GAL. Be and stay busy. Keep up the IC and work on self improvements. Become the best you that you can be, a man only a fool would leave. And work on detaching. Getting to a place where her words and deeds have no effect on you emotionally. Limit contact with her to logistics about your S. Nothing else.
Let her go to get her back. You have no control over her final decision. So prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Hang in there, you will get through all of this.
Thanks Steve
I will take your advise on board.
My sitch is confusing at the best of times and find myself at different stages of grief/acceptance.
While I am forever hopeful I am also realistic on what the future holds.
I am starting to GAL and find a new side of me, both physically, emotionally and mentally. Reading posts from other forums about WAS and also sex staved marriages make me feel/see a different side to my sitch.
I have been looking at my housing options and looking at prioritising my S and his needs.
Hi NZ,
Sorry you find yourself in this all to familiar sitch. Glad you found these forums.
Read as much as you can. The things that work are counter-intuitive. The more crazy the idea sounds to you, the more you really should challenge your belief system.
Ultimately, your W has lost her attraction for you. Do your homework and understand what traits a woman is really attracted to (most guys do not have a clue). Also do your research on what turns a woman off. Start adding attractive traits to your behavior and your interactions with women, and drop the negative traits. Do not do this as an attempt to manipulate your W to come back, but rather as personal growth experience for yourself.
Here is a link to 11 threads containing wise words I have found while reading these forums:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2896617#Post2896617Any advise I could give you is most likely found within these threads. For example this one, it talks about attraction:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984You will read all kinds of advise. Lots of it will be conflicting. The best thing you can do is read as much as you can so you are armed with as many choices as possible. Then you evaluate all the options and pick the ones that you believe will help in your sitch.
I wish you well and get ready for the marathon. Going through the process is not fun, but if you take this opportunity to make personal growth changes, you will be thankful for the process.
R2C
Thanks Ready.
Update:
W and I meet today to swap living arrangements for our week on week off with S in family home.
I kept conversation to her about house and S and talked about our finances as we are going to the bank to sort it out on Tuesday.
We were cordial and friendly. As W was leaving S wanted W to to give me a hug. We hugged and I held on maybe a little too long. So hard to let go.
Went into the house and spent time with our S and then my emotions got the better of me.
Today has been a very hard day, very much a day of one step forward 2/3 steps back.
To make things worse I did a little snooping around her wardrobe/drawers and found some lingerie I had never seen before today. This confirms for me that if she doesn’t have OM then she is most definitely looking for one.
Not sure how to proceed from here? I know I have to GAL and start looking after myself more but I am almost ready to throw in the towel on our M?
I can relate to the underwear. But thats really nothing compared to what some here have experienced.
Myself included.
Keep reading other stitches and DB techniques.
Detach and stop snooping. Sometimes you will take steps backwards, it happens to all of us.
I know it's hard but you need to keep working on it to improve.
I am assuming you don't really mean you are giving up when you say throw in the towel.
Keep improving yourself and only focus on that for some time (months at least).
You really don't have to make your choice anytime soon, weather she chooses you or not isn't up to you.
But only focusing on your personal growthand happiness , knowing your boundaries and preparing for the worst is the best you can do. No matter the outcome.
Hey there. Just read your post. Sorry to hear what your going through. I am currently going through a separation as well. Trying to get a handle on everything. This community has really helped, reading all the stories and learning DB. Hang in there
Thank you Mumin/Tim
I wish i read your post earlier. I have to say SORRY to everyone.
A LOT has happened.
I have had the worst week, I got to a really bad/dark place in my mind, very negative/jealous/immature and finally broke.
I know after reading posts and listening to advice i was going pretty well.
while i was in this dark place i rang my W.......we were about to go to the bank to finalize the finances.
I started off by saying to my W i need to talk and to let her know how i'm feeling and that she didn't need to say anything but i need to tell her. (i know weak)
I cried and said that i am not coping with the sitch and that everything is getting on top of me.
- our sitch
- Finalizing finances
- Living sitch
She did ask if i was seeing IC, which i am not but have an appointment on Tuesday next week.
I told her i still love her and that i am not giving up on us and our MR, I asked questions i shouldn't have "how are you" "are you having an EA/PA" she said she wasn't but i know not to necessarily believe her. She said that she was happy with her decision to walk away.
we spoke about our living sitch, currently we co parent our S in our family home and alternate co-parenting week on week off. she goes to her parents and i have to find somewhere to live every other week as i don't have any family in my city.
After discussing this she agreed to me staying in the family home and that she will have to co-parent our S at her parents house. She said "how am i going to take him to daycare/preschool?" i sarcastically said by car (not appropriate i know) but i think she finally realized that this separation wasn't going to be as easy as she first thought.
She was not happy when we finished the call asking "is there was anything else" twice.
I was relieved after the call, it answered a few questions but i am sure it has put our reconciliation back or may have even killed it.
But we have put off seperating our finances and selling the family home.
Before now i have been giving my W almost everything she wanted in this seperation, now i am thinking more about myself, my mental health and our S.
I have started GAL going to the gym, spending some QT with my S and getting back into reading.
I spoke with some very close mutual friends/couple last night and we spoke candidly, they know the sitch and were surprised with what is happening and believe she would not be having a PA. they did however bring up her mental health (bi polar/MLC) i did not bring this up.
i was told that my W and our friends (2 Ws) met for coffee two weeks ago (unbeknownst to me) and she said that my W was very different/strange.
She also said that one of our friends whom my W is close but not as close as the other W received a text from my W thanking her for her friendship and that she is a wonderful friend, however my W friend (friends for over 15 years) did not get a text or even a thank you for coffee.
Does this sound like anyone else's WAW/WAS/MLC?
I am now thinking a lot better of myself and am happy i am going to be getting more help from IC.
Keep posting, your support and guidance is much appreciated.
i might've rambled, so many thoughts happening
Does this sound like anyone else's WAW/WAS/MLC?
On one of my first posts as a LBS , one of the vets said something along the lines of "if we think we can define it, we can fix it"
We come here looking for that magic bullet - that quick fix..
There isn't one..
LH19 frequently uses the phrase "This is a marathon, not a sprint"..
These things often take years and years to play out..
WW / WAW / MLC - it does not matter - as you cannot change her actions or control her - no matter what you say or do. You can only control you, and your actions.. Hence the GAL / work on you / rock for the kids advice - as these are factors you have full control over..
For what its worth, even if there isnt a physical affair, i suspect some other person has trigged this.. Maybe an EA online.. Either way, there is often monkey branching involved.. So often the LBS comes on here, thinking there is no EA / PA - to be proved wrong months later.
If I had a dime for every LBS that thought one last heartfelt discussion would fix everything, I'd be retired and traveling fulltime for hunting seasons around the world!
So NKZ, you said you felt better afterwards. But why? Because you got a temporary stay on the splitting of the finances? Do you think that helps your sitch? Or is it a façade that makes you feel better temporarily? Or do you see that you just delayed the inevitable and now you will have to deal with that anxiety all over again some time in the future?
Your W seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders. Asking if you are in IC. Your post screams to me of someone that desperately needs IC. You came to the board, got advice, then promptly ignore the advice and started an R talk where you repeated the mistakes that newbies usually make before finding this site. You admit that it made you look weak. Let me ask you a question. WHen your W hung up do you think she thought: "Wow, I am making a mistake. NKZ is the type of man that only a fool would leave!" or do you think she instead thought: "Wow, boy am I glad I am leaving that man to start a new life."
My guess? It was the latter rather than the former. I do not say that to hurt you. But you made two mistakes. First, not consulting the board before the phone call. Second, actually making the phone-call. Impulsiveness will set you back every time.
So where is your GAL? 180s and self-improvements? Detachment? I do not see any progress on those.
As far as the nesting, I am glad that is changing. I am not an advocate of nesting. I am an advocate of the WAS leaving the home and the LBS staying in the home, since the WAS is the one that wants to separate. Nesting NEVER works. So while I do not like how you got out of the nesting (she basically pitied you), at least it is coming to an end.
Remember, if you have any chance of Ring you have to start commanding respect. Be a boss! Be someone that respects himself. Your W will never be attracted back to you until she respects you. And tearful pleading phonecalls that reiterate what she already knows (you don't want this) isn't how you command respect.
Thanks MrBrside
I think i am finally understanding that this is a marathon. I guess deep down i was hoping and wanting this to be fixable and quickly.
This week will be a busy one for me, W has S and I have IC session and finally decided to go to the gym. baby steps lol.
It will also be the first time i will be home alone in the house. so lots of house work also to keep busy.
What are peoples thoughts on social media?
I have my profile pic of the two of us on facebook and Instagram....should i change it to just me?
Also what are the thoughts on changing my relationship status etc to single/complicated or just keep it as married??????
Oh and i have started to read "No more Mr nice guy". I am constantly told i am the nicest guy.
Another step to self improvement.
Quick answer
My pics on FB are still of our wedding just over a year ago.
R status is still with her. (waiting till I'm legally not married).
She changed hers a long time ago. (She even removed pictures she's tagged in with me and pictures with the kids...)
If people tell you you are the nicest and you are serious about the books principles you need to realize this:
That change will also be a marathon. Maybe even longer then the sitch.
I'm thinking I will read the book once a year for as long as it takes, and I am NOT a fast reader.
There are some good podcasts that help on this subject as well.
Try to keep your mind on yourself and what you want to improve.
I have my profile pic of the two of us on facebook and Instagram....should i change it to just me?
Also what are the thoughts on changing my relationship status etc to single/complicated or just keep it as married??????
Leave those be for now.
Oh and i have started to read "No more Mr nice guy". I am constantly told i am the nicest guy. Another step to self improvement.
It's okay to be nice, as long as you don't expect anything from it. I enjoy volunteer work.
Thanks MrBrside
I think i am finally understanding that this is a marathon. I guess deep down i was hoping and wanting this to be fixable and quickly.
This week will be a busy one for me, W has S and I have IC session and finally decided to go to the gym. baby steps lol.
It will also be the first time i will be home alone in the house. so lots of house work also to keep busy.
What are peoples thoughts on social media?
I have my profile pic of the two of us on facebook and Instagram....should i change it to just me?
Also what are the thoughts on changing my relationship status etc to single/complicated or just keep it as married??????
Oh and i have started to read "No more Mr nice guy". I am constantly told i am the nicest guy.
Another step to self improvement.
My thoughts on SM is that no good comes from it. Delete your FB and IG accounts and never look back.
Thanks Mumin/CW
I asked as she hasn't changed her profile pic or profile.
I received a text from W starting talking about S3 but also stated that "i know your'e not ready to sell but I am going to contact a real estate agent for a valuation on our home"
How do I respond to that?
Sorry you are in this situation.
You need to see a solicitor, know what this is going to mean for you (and your son)
NZ... sorry you are here and for what you are going through. i agree with what others have said. If she is not in a PA, she is in an EA. It is really rare for people to leave a marriage this easily unless they have a replacement in mind. I think this is especially true when they go straight to separating finances and wanting to live separately. If there wasn’t another person involved (either IRL or fantasy), there is usually more of a heads up and a “we’re in trouble here...can we try to fix it” approach. I think that it is no accident that most of the people who get “bombed” and end up here either know about the affair or find out about it a month or two after the WAS leaves. Do believe it when there are other signs pointing to an affair and they deny it. They lie. In my sitch, my XH looked directly into my eyes and swore to me “on our children’s lives” that there was no one else. He was engaged to that non-existent person before the ink had even dried on our separation agreement which happened six months after BD.
I’m not telling you this to be a Debbie Downer or discourage you from hoping for a different outcome. I’m telling you this because I can tell from what you have written that you are heading down the “DB to get her back” road. The truth is that while there are some stories of reconciliation on here, the vast majority end up divorced. And the people who struggle the most are the ones who try to use the DB techniques to manipulate their WASs into returning. Manipulation does not work. The point of DBing is to get you to a place mentally where you will be fine no matter what happens. GAL activities and other efforts made to detach from your spouse are key components of that. Let go of your expectations and your need to control the outcome. The more you try to control the outcome, the less likely it is to go your way.
Your W is way ahead of you. She has been detaching from you for months and possibly years. This is not something she has done on a whim...she has been thinking about this and envisioning a NZ-free future for a long time. And she has taken the HUGE step of telling you about it which is the hardest step for the WAS to take. If she goes back on that, it won’t be anytime soon. She wants out. The marriage you had is over. Maybe you can create a new one in the future but that won’t happen if you try to hang on to the old one. I KNOW how hard it is NZ but the sooner you accept this, the better off you will be. Most of us take a long time to do this and it is during the time period between BD and acceptance that we do and say things that accomplish nothing other than decrease our WAS’s attraction to us even further. So try really, really hard to step back from emotional, impulsive actions and reactions. Take the focus off of her and put it on you and your S3. Detach, detach, detach...
Also...regarding mixed messages...the source of these is almost always guilt. Your W does care about you...you were together for years and you are the father of her child...so of course she does. She also knows that ending a marriage in the manner that she has is a pretty sh!tty thing to do and that you are devastated whereas she feels like a big weight has lifted off her shoulders (she finally told you what she has been thinking about and planning for all this time). She feels guilty (she should!!) about that so she is nice to you once in awhile... but that doesn’t change the fact that she is still determined to see this through. My advice..if she wants to separate finances, etc... do not try to get in the way of that. At no other point in your sitch will she be as cooperative and agreeable as she is right now while she is still feeling bad about what she is doing. If you try to stand in her way or prolong things with the hope of getting her back, her guilt will lessen, her resentment of you will grow and it will get harder and harder to come to an agreement. As others have said... consult with a lawyer. It doesn’t matter if you want a separation/divorce or not... if your spouse is intent on getting one, it will happen. You should be prepared by knowing your rights and legal entitlements.
Anyway...that’s my two cents for what it is worth. BTW... my BD was just over two years ago. The first six months following it were the most painful and difficult months of my life. But I followed the advice of the people on this board (and made my share of blunders too...everyone does) and slowly but surely I detached and moved forward with my life. I’ve been divorced for a year now (feels more like three years tbh) and I am HAPPY. There is life after divorce and you can make it a great one. (((HUGS)))
Thanks LH, Dunmn and Deja
I always appreciate the advise and in most cases the bluntness helps.
I consulted a lawyer about a month ago to pre-empt what i thought was happening. Glad i did.
I didn't text back.
Today W and I talked cordially today about S3 and things we were going to purchase while separated. She also said that she had visited a lawyer. The longer this goes on the DB seems like its not going to happen.
I totally agree with Deja on the fact that she has wanted a NZ free life for a long time, today she seemed even more detached than normal almost cold and calculative.
While i still hold hope of her waking up or getting out of the cloud/fun of the EA or PA, I also know the W i knew, loved and married has gone, she is no longer the women I feel in love with.
On a bright note: I have my S3 this week and I have loved every second of having him home this afternoon with me. He gives me strength knowing that i have him.
(((NZ))). The coldness coming from the person who once promised to love you forever is so hard. I remember being so confused by it. How could this person who promised to love me forever...who had been my best friend for yers...who I had always been 100% faithful to and supported without question...how could he be so devoid of feeling and look at me with such resentment? The answer is quite simple... He just wasn’t that person anymore. The person I married no longer existed. He had been slowly but surely detaching and moving on for years (in my sitch it was over a period of about five years before BD happened). It helped me a lot to fully recognize that. My H was long gone. This new person is a stranger to me and but for a few interactions we’ve had when I have seen glimpses of him, he Is not the person I knew. He has a new life...new loyalties... Once I was able to really see that and accept it (acceptance is a big one), detachment happened much, much quicker for me. By the time I found out about his engagement to OW, it barely even registered with me and I knew that I would be okay.
What got me there? The support of family and friends, for sure, but most importantly, coming to this board almost daily, posting, reading other’s posts and following the advice of the veterans on here. Don’t get me wrong... I wasn’t a perfect DB student. Not at all. I made plenty of mistakes. Looking back, I cringe when I read some of my earliest posts. If only I had known then what I know now. The irony is that I DID know it... I just didn’t believe it.
When others told me I would be okay, I could not imagine it. I was positive that I would never love anyone the way I loved my H. And you know what? That is probably true. I never will love anyone the way I loved my H... but that’s not because he was my one true love. It’s because the person who loved him also no longer exists. I don’t see that as a good or a bad thing...it is just the reality... and I am at peace with it. I am different.... older, wiser, stronger, and less reliant on others. I can look back on my life with XH with fondness and reminisce with my kids without being sad or upset in any way. I am happy and enjoying my life. When people told me two years ago that I would get to this place, I did NOT believe them. I was in so much emotional pain, I could not even comprehend that I wouldn’t always feel that way. But I persevered and had faith and slowly but surely I moved forward with my life and the pain subsided.
So I’m going to tell you what people told me and I know that, right now, you probably won’t believe me but that is okay. Feel what you need to feel but know that it will not always be this way. Follow the advice of the people on here. Keep taking baby steps in the right direction. You WILL get there if you do NZ. It’s not an easy process but it is a necessary one...and a valuable one. Whether you end up with saving your M or not, you will come out of this a better, stronger version of you...guaranteed. (((HUGS)))
Thank you again Deja.
It really does help reading and listening to people on here.
I know i have made mistakes at the start and then again not that long ago but i really do feel as though i maybe turning the corner.
My week with S3 was great, concentrated on him and making our time memorable and something he always knows i'll be here.
W came pick him up yesterday, we were cordial and not a lot was said but there didn't need to be.
W gave S3 hug and he didn't reciprocate but wanted hugs from me...at the same time as saying "I want to stay with daddy" and crying, It nearly broke my heart when he said this. For staters he has always been a mommy's boy and in the past would never leave her side. I gave him hugs and told him that I love him and he would be back with me in a week. and that he should have fun at mommy's.
20 mins past and W went to the master bedroom (I am living at the family home while she lives with her mother) and got a few things from her side of the wardrobe and this struck me a while later but she found an old Halloween costume she hadn't worn in 6 years. this struck me as weird because as long as i have known my W she has always (apart from one time) avoided costume parties. We have declined going to several occasions because they were costume only.
Very strange behavior for W. but i guess, this is what they do while in WAS/WAW mode?
anyway after this myself and S3 went out side and played on the grass, 1. for me to enjoy the last few minutes with him for the next week and 2 to distract him before before getting in W car. It worked, we said our goodbyes and he seemed more relaxed.
The thing i enjoyed and was proud of was, I totally paid attention to him, W was not there as far as I was concerned. Whether she noticed i don't really care. Very happy with my detaching.
Last night i received a text from her saying that my favorite bad would be on TV. I wasn't aware of this. I text back after 30mins and said I wasn't aware they were on, thank you. W reply was no worries thumbs up emoji.
I know not to read to much into this, normally i would have text back with something like, thanks was good but i didn't, another detaching win in my books.
In other news W is still wanting to sell the house, she got a valuation last Friday and sent that through today, real estate agent told her that the garden needs updating. W hasn't said anything but i am waiting for her to ask if I will do it.
Part of me wants to say no! i don't want to sell the house but the other part of me is about the full detachment and get on with selling the house and moving on.
Any advice??
N,
No need to respond to those types of texts that put you in the friend zone.
N,
No need to respond to those types of texts that put you in the friend zone.
Wise advice here.
INformational text need no response. Texts asking a direct question should not be answered right away (remember, you are busy GAL!), and when you do answer answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
You cannot nice her back. And if you do then you risk being her BFF, as LH alluded to above.
W went to the master bedroom (I am living at the family home while she lives with her mother) and got a few things from her side of the wardrobe
Make the master bed room YOURS. Respectfully move all the "Lady" items into a different area of the house. Make that bedrooms manly. Clean it. Manly bedding. Manly art on the wall. No Clutter.
The thing i enjoyed and was proud of was, I totally paid attention to him, W was not there as far as I was concerned. Whether she noticed i don't really care.
Perfect!
Thanks LH/Ready/Steve.
As always your advice is helpful and taken on board.
I haven't been on for a while now. I have been trying to concentrate on myself and S3.
I have also deleted all SM.
Until recently i thought i was going well. I have been detaching from W by not responding to some txts and and to others by yes/no answers.
I also have been trying more to GAL, its slow but I'm getting there.
Today i received an email from my L advising that W had gone to a L herself to sort out finances etc, i had been waiting for this day to come but i think it hit me harder than i expected. I have a meeting with my L next week, which settled my mind a little more.
And it looks like the sale of our house isn't far away either.
It feels like W has decided to go radio silence on me, which doesn't surprise me one bit, Is this "normal" for WAW?
If so, it helps me and my detaching even more.
It’s been 3 days I’ve been radio silence except for necessary business. Once I started down that road she followed suit. I think it’s because once you stop letting them manipulate you they stop trying. Be prepared for some testing to come up like Sandi talks about. Stay strong.
N,
Part of it is you see NC as a tactic to get her back. Most people get that wrong. NC is more like a boundary to protect your emotional state. We always encourage LBS to detach. That’s where your W is at right now. NC from you doesn’t bother her because she’s likely been detached from you for months if not years.
So to answer your question. Yes it’s normal.
Thanks LH/Ready/Steve.
As always your advice is helpful and taken on board.
I haven't been on for a while now. I have been trying to concentrate on myself and S3.
I have also deleted all SM.
Until recently i thought i was going well. I have been detaching from W by not responding to some txts and and to others by yes/no answers.
I also have been trying more to GAL, its slow but I'm getting there.
Today i received an email from my L advising that W had gone to a L herself to sort out finances etc, i had been waiting for this day to come but i think it hit me harder than i expected. I have a meeting with my L next week, which settled my mind a little more.
And it looks like the sale of our house isn't far away either.
It feels like W has decided to go radio silence on me, which doesn't surprise me one bit, Is this "normal" for WAW?
If so, it helps me and my detaching even more.
Normal? Not sure I can go that far, but what I can say is that it is not abnormal. In other words, a lot of this depends on how dead-set on D the WAS is. Sometimes radio silence will almost immediately elicit the tests that Steve_ is referring to in his response. Sometimes it take days. Sometimes weeks. Sometimes months. More than likely she will eventually get curious and break radio silence. That there is a period of radio silence both ways is typical. That eventually, if you stay NC she will eventually make some excuse to reach out.
But as LH says, radio silence is not to try to get her to reach out. It is about you letting yourself let go and move on.
Thanks Steve, LH and Steve_85
Thank you again for your insight, i really appreciate hearing from as many vets and people as possibe. Everyone have or has their own sitch and point of view.
I couldn't think of another word to use than "normal" it is far from normal.
NC is more for me, i used to regularly send her texts through the day just letting her know i was thinking of her. It is my way of letting myself heal.
No tests yet, and no texts either, S3 has an ear infection and had medication he had to take. W did not text once.
Had another great week with S3, We got out and about, went to the library, picked strawberries, we walked had an ice cream and generally spent a lot of time keeping busy.
Last night, as i always do, i talk to him and tell him what is happening, he loves being included and to know whats happening. anyway i told him that he was going to preschool tomorrow and that mummy would be collect him after preschool.
He got upset and said that he didn't want to go and then said something that really upset me. He said that he doesn't love mummy.
I told him that she loves him and is looking forward to seeing him. I have never said a bad word about her to him and never will.
It was then than i realized that this is affecting him more than i could imagine. It also confirmed that I need to continue to be his rock.
This morning we went to drop to preschool and he wouldn't let go of me and gave me the biggest hug ever...it makes me cry even now writing this. I told him I love him and said be good for mummy.
I continue to GAL, read the boards and go to the gym and looking at taking up a hobby. I have IC next week which i am looking forward to.
Sounds like you are doing really well NZ.
The kids are really the ones these sitches should be about. You sound like a good father!
I wouldn’t have said “ be good for mummy”. Mommy loves u is better.
Selling the house is becoming closer by the day.
W had a valuation on the house and land she said that we needed to have a small piece of the landscaped.
I got some quotes as gardening is not my thing. Sent them to W and got a reply to just put topsoil down and that was it. I'm no gardener but that would not be enough or nice to look at.
I replied saying that it needs plants and that it will add appeal and possibly more $$$.
She later agreed but said that she doesn't have "access" to money and that it should come out of her part of the sale.
1. what does access mean?
2. I know for a fact she has a lot in savings?
But I have been trying more to validate more and i emailed back and said that's understandable. W replied saying "thanks for understanding"
Is she bread crumbing or testing?
N,
No. She’s taking care of business and moving on. You should consider yourself lucky you have a decent soon STBXW. She doesn’t hate you she just doesn’t want to be married anymore. Go read Steve’s thread and see what kind of STBXW he has on his plate.
Thanks LH.
Steve has a much tougher road than me but i know if he continues to reach out to all on the board he will be fine.
That definitely is the case.
I had another really good week with S3. We had a lot of fun and he enjoyed our time together.
Friday evening I received a phone call out of the blue from W's best friend. We are mutual friends and have similar aged children to our S3.
We talked all about W, she and her husband are very confused with our sitch and W's actions. It was an interesting conversation where she told me she has tried to talk to W to understand what is happening and was meet with "I don't want to talk about it". She also said that W has not talked to her family about our sitch either. She also said that W has changed.
FYI I haven't seen or heard from any of my W's friends until now.
While this is very surprising, it doesn't change anything. I continue to GAL by enjoying the gym, exercise and also catching up with friends. IC has also been going well.
Not looking forward to this coming Saturday. It would be our 5th wedding anniversary.
How did everyone cope with what would have been an anniversary?
GAL like crazy that day! Make a plan for the whole day. Maybe have dinner with friends?
Do not acknowledge the day to W.
N,
So your W doesn’t want to talk about it because logically there is nothing to say. Unless your an abusive a-hole she knows the right thing to do is to work on the marriage. The problem is her emotions are what are driving her decisions. The feel good chemicals she is getting from om. Like a drug addict you have to through all logic out the window.
Thanks LH.
Steve has a much tougher road than me but i know if he continues to reach out to all on the board he will be fine.
That definitely is the case.
I had another really good week with S3. We had a lot of fun and he enjoyed our time together.
Friday evening I received a phone call out of the blue from W's best friend. We are mutual friends and have similar aged children to our S3.
We talked all about W, she and her husband are very confused with our sitch and W's actions. It was an interesting conversation where she told me she has tried to talk to W to understand what is happening and was meet with "I don't want to talk about it". She also said that W has not talked to her family about our sitch either. She also said that W has changed.
FYI I haven't seen or heard from any of my W's friends until now.
While this is very surprising, it doesn't change anything. I continue to GAL by enjoying the gym, exercise and also catching up with friends. IC has also been going well.
Not looking forward to this coming Saturday. It would be our 5th wedding anniversary.
How did everyone cope with what would have been an anniversary?
"I don't want to talk about it"
You're W is better at this than you are. Because that is exactly what you should have said to this "mutual" friend. My guess, you wanted information. That you wanted to know if your W had talked to her family about your sitch. Etc. So let me ask you NZ, is that being attached or detached?
Next time a mutual friend calls and says wants to talk about your W, say "I don't want to talk about it, but I am willing to discuss how I am doing!" And then talk about how awesome your time with S3 is. How you've been staying busy. And how you've been work on yourself to be the best you can be. FOCUS OFF HER AND ONTO YOU!
As far as Saturday, do you have S3 or not? If not then go out and have yourself a nice dinner. Either with a friend or by yourself. If these idiotic COVID lockdowns are in place where you are then order it in. But celebrate being a happy, healthy, whole individual. Your MR is over so it isn't a true anniversary anymore. Whatever you do, do not reach out to her.
Thanks LH/Mumin/Steve85.
I know I have to work more on redirecting conversations about W to how I am doing. And as time has past and NC I know I am doing a lot better.
Saturday went well. I GAL like crazy.
I did some shopping for S3 and went to the gym and then was invited by one of my best friends who was also my groomsman and his D1 on a afternoon out and walked a really great walk to a peak over looking our area. It was a beautiful day for it.
Then i went out to dinner with some other friends, and watched some live rugby on TV to end a really great day.
It really felt like any other Saturday, I had a few thoughts of the day (which i is completely normal) but never talked about my sitch it with anyone.
And the best and proudest thing is that I did not even consider reaching out to W.
LH- No abuse at all. I'm the total opposite, possibly even suffering from NGS.
Steve85 - I didn't have S3 and thankfully here in NZ we are not in lock down which helped me.
Picking up S3 tomorrow and really looking forward to having hime and especially Tuesday (December 1st) to start my and S3 new tradition of decorating our Xmas tree and house together.
I continue to read others sitches and learn. I am not much of a poster as I feel like I'm relatively new here.
Thank you all again for you advise and guidance.
Vent and journal time
The house is going on the market this weekend. It’s a very surreal feeling.
My W was the one pushing to sell the house. She contacted an agent and tried to hurry it along. Thankfully the agent did not push me. Which is not normal for agents lol.
I contacted the agent and another agent a few weeks ago for valuations. Finally I feel that it is the right time to sell and to move on to the next chapter of my life with S3.
This next step is what I need to detach further.
The agent came to sign papers and asked to get the process going. This agent has been working as a go between with W and I on the paperwork.
The agent explained that the photos would be done today and that the first open hone would be this weekend. All fine by me.
I receive a text from W “I can help tidy the place up on Wednesday and Thursday.” Statement right! So I reply back with thumbs up emoji expecting her to text back saying a time.
Nothing.
I went back to NC.
I wasn’t going to chase her and ask for her help.
I clean the house after Christmas decorations and tree are put up with the help of S3 knowing full well W wouldn’t turn up.
No stress to me, I wanted the house tidy for myself and S3 and so we can move on, it’s got me excited to house hunt now, I was actually glad she didn’t turn up.
Photos were today and the agent said that the house looked great!!
N,
I want to pop in and say I think you are doing a really good job and just keeping move forward. Everything else will work itself out.
Vent and journal time
The house is going on the market this weekend. It’s a very surreal feeling.
My W was the one pushing to sell the house. She contacted an agent and tried to hurry it along. Thankfully the agent did not push me. Which is not normal for agents lol.
I contacted the agent and another agent a few weeks ago for valuations. Finally I feel that it is the right time to sell and to move on to the next chapter of my life with S3.
This next step is what I need to detach further.
The agent came to sign papers and asked to get the process going. This agent has been working as a go between with W and I on the paperwork.
The agent explained that the photos would be done today and that the first open hone would be this weekend. All fine by me.
I receive a text from W “I can help tidy the place up on Wednesday and Thursday.” Statement right! So I reply back with thumbs up emoji expecting her to text back saying a time.
Nothing.
I went back to NC.
I wasn’t going to chase her and ask for her help.
I clean the house after Christmas decorations and tree are put up with the help of S3 knowing full well W wouldn’t turn up.
No stress to me, I wanted the house tidy for myself and S3 and so we can move on, it’s got me excited to house hunt now, I was actually glad she didn’t turn up.
Photos were today and the agent said that the house looked great!!
NZ, just one small tweak. Texts that aren't questions need no response, not even an emoji. If she was serious about helping she would follow up with questions about times, etc.
Overall you are doing well though. Keep up the good work.
To throw a monkey wrench:
I receive a text from W “I can help tidy the place up on Wednesday and Thursday.” Statement right! So I reply back with thumbs up emoji expecting her to text back saying a time.
This IS a question.
Many woman ask questions as statements and make statements in the form of a question. This is similar to hearing a woman say "Fine". When a woman says fine, things are NOT FINE. Of course you can take everything literally, but learning new communication styles is part of the process.
W “I can help tidy the place up on Wednesday and Thursday.”
H:"Perfect. I will take care of the rest on Friday and Saturday"
or
W “I can help tidy the place up on Wednesday and Thursday.”
H "Thanks for the offer, but I will take care of it."
I agree with R2C on this. Steve is pretty rigid with his texting rules. If your buddy had texted you the same thing, you'd probably respond in a way R2C suggested. In that instance I think a response is appropriate. When interacting with my XW, that was my mindset. How would I response to an acquaintance? To be fair it was probably Steve who said to treat her like a cashier at the grocery store, so I probably got the mindset from him.
I agree with R2C on this. Steve is pretty rigid with his texting rules. If your buddy had texted you the same thing, you'd probably respond in a way R2C suggested. In that instance I think a response is appropriate. When interacting with my XW, that was my mindset. How would I response to an acquaintance? To be fair it was probably Steve who said to treat her like a cashier at the grocery store, so I probably got the mindset from him.
I am strict because most LBSs struggle with this. "OHHHH! WAW just texted me! Yeay, interaction!" It trips them up. I am against trying to decipher when a statement is a question. Or when a question is a statement. I agree with R2C that women do that. Heck, men do it too. But I believe in KISS.
If you get into the game of thinking a statement is a question, it also give the LBS an excuse to break the rules of engagement. Plus it over complicates the rules. So keep it simple. Statements get no response, even if it MIGHT be a question. Questions get a short answer, as short of an answer as possible.
As far as your buddy texting you....your buddy isn't BDing you, and dragging you through a D process.
Without wanting to hijack my Antipodean brother, what is the advice on replying to text that are BS questions? For example I am taking my S for a holiday and the W said she would pay for half of his flight. I responded “no thanks”, and she asked whether I was mad at her, I didn’t reply. It’s not a question regarding co-parenting...thoughts?
Thanks LH
I feel I am doing ok. NC has been going well.
GAL is also going well, I feel busier now more than ever.
My weekend with S3 was great we went did so much, we visited friends, went to a lego exhibit which he loved (almost as much as me) had lunch outside in the sun both days and went Christmas shopping. He demanded Christmas songs on repeat in the car. We had so much fun. Moments to cherish.
I found out he has been playing superheroes at daycare so I purchased a Hulk Tshirt with a hood with the hulk face on it. And safe to safe he loved it and wanted to wear it everyday. Which I made sure I washed it as much as possible.
I dropped him off to daycare this morning in the T-shirt, WW was due to pick up S3 today for her week. WW hadn’t seen the Tshirt until today.
WW just txt “ S3 really loves his hulk Tshirt, good purchase, thumbs up emoji”
How do I reply? Or should I even reply?
My first thought is to say nothing or text back and say keep it washed!
If you're NC, you shouldn't reply to that. She didn't ask a question. Good job on the Hulk T-Shirt! Take care.
Without wanting to hijack my Antipodean brother, what is the advice on replying to text that are BS questions? For example I am taking my S for a holiday and the W said she would pay for half of his flight. I responded “no thanks”, and she asked whether I was mad at her, I didn’t reply. It’s not a question regarding co-parenting...thoughts?
Still a question.
A simple "No."
Thanks LH
I feel I am doing ok. NC has been going well.
GAL is also going well, I feel busier now more than ever.
My weekend with S3 was great we went did so much, we visited friends, went to a lego exhibit which he loved (almost as much as me) had lunch outside in the sun both days and went Christmas shopping. He demanded Christmas songs on repeat in the car. We had so much fun. Moments to cherish.
I found out he has been playing superheroes at daycare so I purchased a Hulk Tshirt with a hood with the hulk face on it. And safe to safe he loved it and wanted to wear it everyday. Which I made sure I washed it as much as possible.
I dropped him off to daycare this morning in the T-shirt, WW was due to pick up S3 today for her week. WW hadn’t seen the Tshirt until today.
WW just txt “ S3 really loves his hulk Tshirt, good purchase, thumbs up emoji”
How do I reply? Or should I even reply?
My first thought is to say nothing or text back and say keep it washed!
No response necessary.
Thanks CW and Steve85
I gave no response, like a lot of the texts I receive. No need.
I have a question, should I get a Christmas gift for my WAW from our S3?
Or would this come across as pressure or pursuit?
My first thought is yes I should get her something small.
NZ, how are you doing mate, was wondering where you had got to and how you were going.
I would get a gift from your S. I am taking my S shopping in the next few days and I will ask him what he wants to get her and let him choose. I will also write a card to her from him only, let him dictate what to say.
I did the same for my STBXW's 40th back in August, he chose a red t-shirt. But I also made the mistake of adding in an expensive gift voucher and put my name on the card, she didn't even say thanks.
Its a nice thing to do with your S and teaches the joy of giving. Not doing that would seem petty IMO.
I would not, and I won’t. Unless they say it themselves of course.
Guess it’s more of a cultural thing.
Would a three year old typically give gifts to parents?
Are you expecting a gift from S3?
I have a question, should I get a Christmas gift for my WAW from our S3?
You should help you children get their mother a gift. 3 might be too young, but maybe hand print foot print on a card? Professional photo S3? As he gets older, give him a budget and take him to pick out things for mommy. You do this regardless of how your relationship with mother is.
Thanks OB/Mumin/R2C
OB- I'm doing good mate. But I have had a little bit of a hard time lately. A lot of reminiscing around this time of year has made it harder. So many traditions and memories.
I have tried to keep as many as i could with S3 and tried a few new ones. Which has been fun.
I took your advise as i was along the same lines, I did it for S3 and not me or STBXW. I got him to pick the card and also draw in it. Some things you can be petty about but getting him to draw int he card has been happening since he could pick up a crayon. It was fun for him.
Mumin - No, I Have no expectations. In NZ and Australia it is common for children to give gifts to parents/grandparents.
R2C- Exactly my thinking. And this will continue into the future.
As said above i have found myself regressing a little in positivity lately. Not out of thinking of STBXW (I made a conscious decision to call her STBXW to progress) or to contact her but from spending time with S3 and doing firsts - first photo with Santa just the 2 of us, advent calendar time, singing Christmas carols at bed time etc.
While i have loved doing all of these it has been with a tinge of sadness.
I knew i would regress or go through a few of the stages of grief again. I know that helps me slowly heal.
I have Christmas eve coming where i will be "alone". I have made plans to be not alone and will be spending it with friends, looking forward to that.
I continue to GAL, 180, exercise and stay busy.
On a side note, Mods and everyone. I'm not getting any emails from the threads I follow. Can anyone help? Cheers.
OB- I'm doing good mate. But I have had a little bit of a hard time lately. A lot of reminiscing around this time of year has made it harder. So many traditions and memories.
As said above i have found myself regressing a little in positivity lately. Not out of thinking of STBXW (I made a conscious decision to call her STBXW to progress) or to contact her but from spending time with S3 and doing firsts -
While i have loved doing all of these it has been with a tinge of sadness.
I knew i would regress or go through a few of the stages of grief again. I know that helps me slowly heal.
Sounds like you are doing pretty well considering NZ. Setbacks seem pretty mandatory, I know I still struggle too but the ups are getting better and the lows are getting less low. Keep doing what you're doing, you sound like a great Dad.
Thanks OB/Mumin/R2C
OB- I'm doing good mate. But I have had a little bit of a hard time lately. A lot of reminiscing around this time of year has made it harder. So many traditions and memories.
I have tried to keep as many as i could with S3 and tried a few new ones. Which has been fun.
I took your advise as i was along the same lines, I did it for S3 and not me or STBXW. I got him to pick the card and also draw in it. Some things you can be petty about but getting him to draw int he card has been happening since he could pick up a crayon. It was fun for him.
Mumin - No, I Have no expectations. In NZ and Australia it is common for children to give gifts to parents/grandparents.
R2C- Exactly my thinking. And this will continue into the future.
As said above i have found myself regressing a little in positivity lately. Not out of thinking of STBXW (I made a conscious decision to call her STBXW to progress) or to contact her but from spending time with S3 and doing firsts - first photo with Santa just the 2 of us, advent calendar time, singing Christmas carols at bed time etc.
While i have loved doing all of these it has been with a tinge of sadness.
I knew i would regress or go through a few of the stages of grief again. I know that helps me slowly heal.
I have Christmas eve coming where i will be "alone". I have made plans to be not alone and will be spending it with friends, looking forward to that.
I continue to GAL, 180, exercise and stay busy.
On a side note, Mods and everyone. I'm not getting any emails from the threads I follow. Can anyone help? Cheers.
Most of life has a positive and negative side to it. So I can understand that as you move forward, there is a bit of sadness that it is without STBXW. However, I love your attitude and reaction to it! Making sure to spend Christmas Eve with friends! So awesome. So many LBSs would sit and stew and feel sorry for themselves. Kudos for your proactivity in this regard.
Cheers OB/Steve85.
OB after reading your sitch and seeing what you are going through. It sounds like you’re a great dad too. Hopefully you all aren’t caught up I the newest lockdown over the ditch.
Steve85 I have always had a glass is half full attitude.
Just got a text fro STBXW “would you like to come over tomorrow and open presents with S3?
Any advise on what I should text back or do?
He is staying with her and the MIL until tomorrow, I had planned on collecting him in the morning. S3 and I are travelling to see my family later Christmas Day.
My vote is to go for S3! Just make sure to have no expectations related to her.
Hey NZ, I would say go as long as you know you'll be able to keep your emotions in check.
That is the pickle, holidays supercharge emotions. Only you know if you can handle that. I know myself and I wouldnt go. I could not sit there without having a "this [censored] we arent a family" look across my face at some point. If you can do it go for it. Be true to yourself though.
Cheers OB/Steve85.
OB after reading your sitch and seeing what you are going through. It sounds like you’re a great dad too. Hopefully you all aren’t caught up I the newest lockdown over the ditch.
Steve85 I have always had a glass is half full attitude.
Just got a text fro STBXW “would you like to come over tomorrow and open presents with S3?
Any advise on what I should text back or do?
He is staying with her and the MIL until tomorrow, I had planned on collecting him in the morning. S3 and I are travelling to see my family later Christmas Day.
Cheers OB/Steve85.
OB after reading your sitch and seeing what you are going through. It sounds like you’re a great dad too. Hopefully you all aren’t caught up I the newest lockdown over the ditch.
Steve85 I have always had a glass is half full attitude.
Just got a text fro STBXW “would you like to come over tomorrow and open presents with S3?
Any advise on what I should text back or do?
He is staying with her and the MIL until tomorrow, I had planned on collecting him in the morning. S3 and I are travelling to see my family later Christmas Day.
N,
So this is a tough one for sure. First off I want to say you must be doing a great job of giving her space for her to invite you. She’s not afraid you are going to pursue her and she has to reject you again.
So obviously going with expectations would be not good and probably set you back. Going would most likely set the stage for you to be in the friend zone. That is not necessarily a bad thing if your ok with it. Most people here are not.
My suggestion to you would be that if this is a tradition you are going to carry forward no matter if the two of you are in relationships then do it. This is an arrangement that works well for a least one poster. If this is not a tradition you will carry forward then I would respectfully decline. I chose to do the first two Christmas mornings together and am no longer am going to carry on the tradition. It’s been difficult getting my daughter to understand why it isn’t happening anymore. Your son is young enough that he probably wouldn’t understand the difference.
IMO this decision should not be taken lightly.
All great advise thank you OB/Steve85/Steve_/LH.
I am always grateful for the different point of views.
I decided to go and I didn’t take the decision lightly either.
In the end I did it for S3 and myself and with zero expectations. None.
The drive there was a little unnerving but once I was greeted by S3 it made it all worth is.
STBXW and MIL/FIL all were cordial and welcoming.
All S3 wanted to do was open presents from Santa lol.
We all exchanged gifts and were all ok with everything. STBXW thanked S3 for his gift and looked at me while she did it. I didn’t acknowledge it.
After presents we all sat down from breakfast (I hadn’t been asked if I was staying or even offered, they dished it up anyway)
The whole time i never looked or talked to STBXW and purposefully sat next to S3 and did the normal parenting and concentrated on him.
Spent a little longer with him had a lot of fun.
When it was time to leave. We all said our goodbyes and we left.
I am definitely glad I went to see him.
I’m not sure if this will become a tradition because I’m not into being friends with STBXW.
I did receive a text not long after we left that was I my view a friend zone (or possibly bread crumbing?) text but I would like to know thoughts?
“Thank you for coming this morning. It was nice having you here, I know S3 loved it.
Enjoy the rest of the day.
I didn’t reply.
The rest of S3 and my day was spent with my family, which was great.
I hope you all have or going to have a great Christmas Day! I did in the end, S3 made it all worth it and reminded me that there is more to life and how one toy can light up a kids face.
Merry Christmas everyone.
N,
I’m glad you got to spend more time with your son.
Yeah she’s definitely trying to put you in the friend zone. Just show her with actions that it doesn’t work for you.
Happy holidays!
All great advise thank you OB/Steve85/Steve_/LH.
I am always grateful for the different point of views.
I decided to go and I didn’t take the decision lightly either.
In the end I did it for S3 and myself and with zero expectations. None.
The drive there was a little unnerving but once I was greeted by S3 it made it all worth is.
STBXW and MIL/FIL all were cordial and welcoming.
All S3 wanted to do was open presents from Santa lol.
We all exchanged gifts and were all ok with everything. STBXW thanked S3 for his gift and looked at me while she did it. I didn’t acknowledge it.
After presents we all sat down from breakfast (I hadn’t been asked if I was staying or even offered, they dished it up anyway)
The whole time i never looked or talked to STBXW and purposefully sat next to S3 and did the normal parenting and concentrated on him.
Spent a little longer with him had a lot of fun.
When it was time to leave. We all said our goodbyes and we left.
I am definitely glad I went to see him.
I’m not sure if this will become a tradition because I’m not into being friends with STBXW.
I did receive a text not long after we left that was I my view a friend zone (or possibly bread crumbing?) text but I would like to know thoughts?
“Thank you for coming this morning. It was nice having you here, I know S3 loved it.
Enjoy the rest of the day.
I didn’t reply.
The rest of S3 and my day was spent with my family, which was great.
I hope you all have or going to have a great Christmas Day! I did in the end, S3 made it all worth it and reminded me that there is more to life and how one toy can light up a kids face.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Merry Christmas, AZ! Glad to hear you enjoyed your time with A3 on Christmas morning. May your days be filled with joy and peace, and I pray for ior many wonderful Christmases for the two of you in the years to come.
NZ, haven't heart from you in a while bru, what's been happening?
Hi OB and thank you all for the Christmas wishes.
S3 and I went out of town for a week to visit family and friends.
We had a great time together and he taught his younger cousin some new things.
I had been doing well the whole time but got a TM on NYE from STBXW asking for a couple of photos of S3.
It brought me down a peg and effected me pretty badly.
My first thought was to ignore it and send nothing. So I sat on it for a couple of hours. It really pi$$ed me of that she had the nerve to text because she knew that S3 would be having a great time. He loves being at his grandparents house and its near the beach. in the end I sent 3 photos, they weren't the best photos but sent them anyway.
Since then I have got back into GAL and spending time with mates. And also made plans to catch up with others almost every weekend from now. I have also got back into the gym, Christmas feasts and drinks packed on a couple of kg's (kilograms). I've got my next IC at the beginning of next month.
Other than that life hasn't changed all that much, still taking it one day at a time and trying to do the 180's.
NZ, hang in there. Keep working at it and eventually her asking for photos of S3 will be like your parents or anyone else in your life asking for a picture of him. It will roll off your back like water off of a duck.
You are doing great, keep up the good work.
Journalling
Lately, not a lot has changed.
Still continuing to GAL and move forward. Gym and exercise are still going good.
I haven’t had S3 this week and life is busy. Work sitch will be changing soon to better suit both myself and S3 and our lives.
I’ve been house hunting a lot recently at a very busy time where the local housing market is booming. It has been difficult to say the least but I am staying positive.
While I look forward to buying my and S3 new place I’m nervous with when it will be the big move and pack up the house.
STBXW still sends the occasional TM about S3 and/or legal matters sometimes it feels like she is keeping tabs, TM like “Did you pack S3 sports gear, because it starts this weekend.”
I replied with “yes”.
It’s frustrating because any other person/parent would’ve thought to check S3’s clothing and not needed to contact me out of the blue.
Life is me continuing to try to be indifferent and moving forward with the intention of making myself a better man.
You have to rach a place where this will not rattle you. She is just doing this to rattle your cage, so she'll keep ketting justification that she made the "right" choice.
Still continuing to GAL and move forward. Gym and exercise are still going good.
Good! GAL helps move toward detachment. Keep it up!
I’m nervous with when it will be the big move and pack up the house.
This is quite normal. I dreaded it too. I had a cry in the car, called a friend (find someone for support) and stayed busy making this place my own. You will be ok.
STBXW still sends the occasional TM about S3 and/or legal matters sometimes it feels like she is keeping tabs, TM like “Did you pack S3 sports gear, because it starts this weekend.”
I replied with “yes”.
Great reply!
It’s frustrating because any other person/parent would’ve thought to check S3’s clothing and not needed to contact me out of the blue.
There is a million reasons why she does this - control, keeping tabs, temp checking - better not to try and understand it, just keep your response short and brief and only answer questions.
Life is me continuing to try to be indifferent and moving forward with the intention of making myself a better man.
This is the goal. To be a better man. The less you focus on where STBXW is in her journey, the better off you will be, no matter what happens in future.
Detach. Rinse. Repeat.
Detachment is a process and something I'm not great at myself. Focusing on S3 and yourself is great!
I am new here and just read through your sitch. I see many comments about "friend zone". Could someone explain to me a little more about how this is different than being detached but also trying to connect with H/W?
My H hasn't served me D papers yet, but he is having a EA/PA. I've been detached but friendly, still discuss work and other non-essential things. We are separated but in same house.
I guess I'm trying to understand at what point I should shift to avoiding being in the "friend zone" and more cold and detached? Once H serves me papers? At this point, I've told H I want to work on M but he is resistant.
I work with him which makes it even more complicated.
I'm sorry NZkiwi for what you have gone through. You sound like such a great dad.