Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: KitCat I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 09/28/20 07:24 PM
Previous Thread === https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2902806#Post2902806

Up to 23 now. Recently lots of people weighing in on my choice to do OLD.
Just wanted to point out that the advice I gave you related to dating is consistent with the advice I give to all LBSs contemplating it. I just gave the same advice to another poster late last week. It is pretty much the advice that all of the anti-D experts and authors I studied and read in my sitch give.

I think sometimes we LBSs feel singled out. But that is rarely the case.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Just wanted to point out that the advice I gave you related to dating is consistent with the advice I give to all LBSs contemplating it. I just gave the same advice to another poster late last week. It is pretty much the advice that all of the anti-D experts and authors I studied and read in my sitch give.

I think sometimes we LBSs feel singled out. But that is rarely the case.


I'm not taking anything personal....

And, as I said... maybe I end up going out and maybe not. I'm just realizing how much drama OLD really is... You have the fake profiles... the people that start talking and seem friendly and suddenly block you... I haven't actually agreed to meet anyone but I'm sure I'll get stood up at some point too...

FYI - my 10yr anniversary is Saturday. I choose to get married on my grandparents anniversary so I've remembered this date since I was a child...

Moving on.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 09/28/20 11:54 PM
KK,

Just for the record I never said your H wasn't going to want to recon I just said it wouldn't be on your 1 year deadline. I also don't think he's repulsed by you I think he just resents you right now. Based on his history of monkey branching he may see you as a viable branch when him and OW go south.

I never really understood the whole seperation thing and why you just didn't move straight to D? That would help you in the dating world being divorced. When it moves to D you are just going to have to rehash all the old wounds.

As for dating well I definitely see this as a ploy by you to leave no stoned unturned in the desperate attempt to get him to change his mind. I find it hard to believe that you have no mutual friends or somehow this information won't be leaked.

As for OLD yes it is frustrating and agree with Ginger that most people (not just men) are looking for a relationship or to have sex. Truthfully at our age I think women want sex more then men. I would just be careful if I were you because in my estimation you haven't had your tree trimmed in a really long time and you may end doing something you might regret. Nothing reminds you more that you are currently single then an early morning walk of shame.

Stay safe KK.
Originally Posted by LH19


Just for the record I never said your H wasn't going to want to recon I just said it wouldn't be on your 1 year deadline. I also don't think he's repulsed by you I think he just resents you right now. Based on his history of monkey branching he may see you as a viable branch when him and OW go south.


Weird... gives me some strange comfort to feel he only resents me and isn't repulsed by me. 6month I thought a year was forever and such a long way away. But, I've done more reading here and other sights and it does seem that most turn arounds happen in 2-3 yr. Would I wait 2yr? If I knew that his heart might soften to what we once had most likely but its all a crap shoot. Frankly, its hard to see/know he is so involved with OW.

Originally Posted by LH19

I never really understood the whole seperation thing and why you just didn't move straight to D? That would help you in the dating world being divorced. When it moves to D you are just going to have to rehash all the old wounds.


Its health care coverage for myself and S19. It doesn't cost any to my H to keep up covered medically and if I had to carry a policy it would set me back seriously financially. Especially now that S19 is off at college and S19's dad hasn't paid a dime of what he was court ordered to pay so I'm covering him 100%. He was already ordered by a judge but its been over a month and nothing has changed.

If I D --- no health care. Hence dragging it out is my best option right now. AND, H is aware. I think its the one reason he hasn't hired atty at this point and moved it to D. He doesn't want to do that to me.

Originally Posted by LH10

As for dating well I definitely see this as a ploy by you to leave no stoned unturned in the desperate attempt to get him to change his mind. I find it hard to believe that you have no mutual friends or somehow this information won't be leaked.


Nope - no mutual friends. Keep in mind we live an hour apart. My H works in another town where he is from. Any friends he had in the town we lived in were mine. Any mutual friends on FB he deleted months ago. I will never see him or anyone who knows him and vice versa now. His mother calls on rare occasion but she talks about herself and inquires a little about S19. I never tell her what I'm doing outside of saying I'm well. Sure she talks about getting together for lunch or coffee but that will never happen.

Originally Posted by LH19

As for OLD yes it is frustrating and agree with Ginger that most people (not just men) are looking for a relationship or to have sex. Truthfully at our age I think women want sex more then men. I would just be careful if I were you because in my estimation you haven't had your tree trimmed in a really long time and you may end doing something you might regret. Nothing reminds you more that you are currently single then an early morning walk of shame.



I don't casually sleep around. Never have. I'm not sure what it is I'm doing for sure. Maybe just looking to do something different.

Anyway, its Tuesday again...
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LH19


Just for the record I never said your H wasn't going to want to recon I just said it wouldn't be on your 1 year deadline. I also don't think he's repulsed by you I think he just resents you right now. Based on his history of monkey branching he may see you as a viable branch when him and OW go south.


Weird... gives me some strange comfort to feel he only resents me and isn't repulsed by me. 6month I thought a year was forever and such a long way away. But, I've done more reading here and other sights and it does seem that most turn arounds happen in 2-3 yr. Would I wait 2yr? If I knew that his heart might soften to what we once had most likely but its all a crap shoot. Frankly, its hard to see/know he is so involved with OW.


So the old KC boundary of "If you cheat on me, it is over" is really "If you cheat on me, its okay. And if it takes you 2-3 years to leave the affair and come back that is fine as long as it is reasonable for me to believe your heart might soften towards me at some point"??

Wow.

Originally Posted by LH19

I never really understood the whole seperation thing and why you just didn't move straight to D? That would help you in the dating world being divorced. When it moves to D you are just going to have to rehash all the old wounds.

Originally Posted by KitCat

Its health care coverage for myself and S19. It doesn't cost any to my H to keep up covered medically and if I had to carry a policy it would set me back seriously financially. Especially now that S19 is off at college and S19's dad hasn't paid a dime of what he was court ordered to pay so I'm covering him 100%. He was already ordered by a judge but its been over a month and nothing has changed.

If I D --- no health care. Hence dragging it out is my best option right now. AND, H is aware. I think its the one reason he hasn't hired atty at this point and moved it to D. He doesn't want to do that to me.


I've told you this before. I will reiterate. Decisions on S and D made solely on money are rarely the right ones, nor are they decisions that will help you move forward. Again, what if your husband were to die suddenly? How would you handle HC then?

Originally Posted by LH10

As for dating well I definitely see this as a ploy by you to leave no stoned unturned in the desperate attempt to get him to change his mind. I find it hard to believe that you have no mutual friends or somehow this information won't be leaked.

Originally Posted by KitCat

Nope - no mutual friends. Keep in mind we live an hour apart. My H works in another town where he is from. Any friends he had in the town we lived in were mine. Any mutual friends on FB he deleted months ago. I will never see him or anyone who knows him and vice versa now. His mother calls on rare occasion but she talks about herself and inquires a little about S19. I never tell her what I'm doing outside of saying I'm well. Sure she talks about getting together for lunch or coffee but that will never happen.


These things have a way of making it back. I think deep down you know that.

Originally Posted by LH19

As for OLD yes it is frustrating and agree with Ginger that most people (not just men) are looking for a relationship or to have sex. Truthfully at our age I think women want sex more then men. I would just be careful if I were you because in my estimation you haven't had your tree trimmed in a really long time and you may end doing something you might regret. Nothing reminds you more that you are currently single then an early morning walk of shame.


Originally Posted by KitCat

I don't casually sleep around. Never have. I'm not sure what it is I'm doing for sure. Maybe just looking to do something different.



And you said you'd never put up with cheating either. It is funny how quickly we can set aside our principles to fit what we want at the moment.
I hear you Steve.

Of course if my H came back he would have to put in the hard work for sure. I wouldn't just take him back - there are so many variables.

As for healthcare. It is what it is. Medical care can bankrupt people. I'm struggling right now as it is.

As for things getting back to my H - trust me. There isn't any way. We know no one who knows us both - period. I know its a freak unique thing but we are living completely separate lives with no interconnection.

I don't know whats going to happen. I cannot predict the future. I can only be in the here and now and right now we have 100% NC.
Well my medical procedure today had a little rougher recovery than expected. I'm okay but it was a rough day. I was given more medication for sedation than typical for some complicated reasons and was not recovering the best. Especially sine I was home alone....

I don't mind being independent. I remember having major abdominal surgery and off work for 3 weeks about 5yr ago and told my H to not cancel his vacation that he had planned and was looking forward to 3 days after I got home. I was fine. My so was 14 at the time? I managed to recover, take care of kid and maintain a household. Even when I had a complication and had to return to the hospital --- while H was out of town no worries.

Today it just hit hard. This is my life. Not having my spouse to at least make me feel better the first 24hr after a medical procedure.

Its just a day and finally I'm starting to feel better though had to go pick up more medication for nausea.

This too shall pass I know.

Not a word from H since our financial meeting 7 days ago.
Well I have managed to keep off my 30lb!!!!! Great since I've slacked on my exercise routine.

BUT - I've got a new piece of home gym equipment coming today AND a male friend who has decided its his job to motivate me to lose another 20lb.

I'm already looking good but another 20lb and I'll be the hottest mom in the neighborhood! smile
Saturday is my 10yr M anniversary....

I know I'm not supposed to reach out or say anything... that's going to be so hard. Saturday will be a painful day.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/02/20 08:27 AM
I’m just curious as to what you are going to say when you reach out?

Thinking of you.

Remember what a wonderful day it was ten years ago?

If that’s what floats your boat and satisfies your fix then I say go for it.

I’m just wondering how you will feel when you hear nothing but crickets?
KC our anniversary was in September, he even came round on that day to attempt to help sort the garage out/see tue boys. I didnt say anything at all and it was best not spoken about. I had friends round later that day and i had a brilliant day. I wouldn’t reach out if i was you, painful silence isn’t something i would have wanted to endure. Make plans for yourself, enjoy the day as you would any other.

I hope you are recovering after the op
Originally Posted by LH19
I’m just curious as to what you are going to say when you reach out?

Thinking of you.

Remember what a wonderful day it was ten years ago?

If that’s what floats your boat and satisfies your fix then I say go for it.

I’m just wondering how you will feel when you hear nothing but crickets?



Haha...

Wrote it for you!!

Happy Anniversary. Thank you for sharing your life and your children with me.

Bow season just started so I expect you'll be out hunting all weekend. I hope you get an excellent trophy this year and share pics.

So how was that LH? smile

At least I got it out here.... sigh. Thank goodness got a busy day at work today.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/02/20 11:09 AM
Is it really a “Happy Anniversary”?????????

I would add one more line:

It’s too bad when times got tough you ran to another woman like the weak little biotch that you are STBXH.
Originally Posted by LH19
Is it really a “Happy Anniversary”?????????

I would add one more line:

It’s too bad when times got tough you ran to another woman like the weak little biotch that you are STBXH.


Okay... that probably is better. But, D*mn... I am NEVER that mean. Wish I could be.
It’s not mean. It’s truthful .

But I think the problem with your desire to be so nice is completely disconnected with how you really feel. It’s not genuine.

You are angry with him. You are hurt by the fact he cheated and he left. It’s still there. So why wish a happy anniversary and thank him for the years, blah blah blah, I know you are going now hunting......

Seriously, when it’s not genuine, it’s really not all that nice . It’s so you appear nice to the person you are saying it to.

That seems to more your goal. And we can see that, because it doesn’t appear genuine at all
Originally Posted by Ginger1
It’s not mean. It’s truthful .

But I think the problem with your desire to be so nice is completely disconnected with how you really feel. It’s not genuine.

You are angry with him. You are hurt by the fact he cheated and he left. It’s still there. So why wish a happy anniversary and thank him for the years, blah blah blah, I know you are going now hunting......

Seriously, when it’s not genuine, it’s really not all that nice . It’s so you appear nice to the person you are saying it to.

That seems to more your goal. And we can see that, because it doesn’t appear genuine at all



hmmm... even though that's who I am? Its genuine.

Keep in mind I work in a field where I deal with a lot of crap sometimes. People bring their emotions from different issues in their life and often get projected on to me. I've had people be down right rude, mean angry. I had one person so abusive that a client in another room almost felt the need to step in.

But, I'm trained to be calm. Listen, understand, empathize and in general kill them with kindness. I'm almost ALWAYS over the top nice and compassionate to the biggest A Holes that can come into my work place. I recognize that 80% of the time its something else in their life that is making them act the way the do and 90% of the time they always come back later and apologize.

So truly its my nature.

But, you are right. I am still hurt. But, I think about that less these days. I also recognize what's my point? Am I wanting him to be nice back? Maybe. But, I also think I can walk away knowing that I did what was right for me.
I’m in the healthcare field to. I get it. I take a beating from stressed out families on a daily basis.

I am a nice person too, a people pleaser by nature, by profession, by trauma

I am nice. But I don’t say stuff that I don’t mean, unless I have to at work. That’s not nice. It doesn’t mean I say something mean in turn. And I don’t offer niceties when they aren’t appropriate

Initiating a nice message to your estranged husband on your anniversary is not a nice thing to do. You don’t want to make him feel good about running off with another woman on the day of your wedding anniversary. That’s you wanting to appear nice and that is for your own agenda.

Why would saying that even be right for you?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m in the healthcare field to. I get it. I take a beating from stressed out families on a daily basis.

I am a nice person too, a people pleaser by nature, by profession, by trauma

I am nice. But I don’t say stuff that I don’t mean, unless I have to at work. That’s not nice. It doesn’t mean I say something mean in turn. And I don’t offer niceties when they aren’t appropriate

Initiating a nice message to your estranged husband on your anniversary is not a nice thing to do. You don’t want to make him feel good about running off with another woman on the day of your wedding anniversary. That’s you wanting to appear nice and that is for your own agenda.

Why would saying that even be right for you?


That's a valid point.

I guess. Part of it may be guilt. Even though I go overboard on being nice in the work place. And, I get compliments all the time on how can you manage to handle that person like that? He drives me nuts, etc.

When it comes to people in your innner circle sometimes you are not so nice and kind.

I recognize this now. I would be out with H and would see a client who approaches me and I'm extremely lovely and chatty and go out of my way to make people feel good about sharing things about their pets. H would even comment how much "nicer" I am to "strangers" than too him.

Of course H wasn't always nice to me either. That's what happens with you live with someone for 10yr and the stress of life and kids and disagreements, etc.

But, I remember being hurt by his truth on this particular day. I privately made a decision that I wouldn't let him feel that way any longer. I would be different. I get it - it takes 5.9 something positives to outweigh a negative.. but I was going to be different... action wise. What I did not do that day was to look him in the eye and apologize that I ever made him feel that way. I hadn't meant to but I know I could do differently. But, I stayed in my head.... I never spoke about it to him. I carry a lot of guilt for that. This was 2-3 months before BD I think.

Anyway... I've made a conscious effort since then on how I interact with my close circle - my H and my kids. Making sure I'm not getting overwhelmed and when I do making sure I apologize and that I need a time out due to being overwhelmed.

Frankly - truth be told. I do not want to ignore my anniversary.

It is what it is.
Originally Posted by KitCat

Frankly - truth be told. I do not want to ignore my anniversary.
It is what it is.


Then don't. But know there are other ways to acknowledge/appreciate your anniversary w/o messaging your H. You can look through wedding photos. You can journal. You can call a friend and express your appreciate of what was.

Perhaps these can be alternatives to actually contacting H - because although I believe that your motive may be out of love, your heart is very much still hurt over this. In the end - it will most likely win the battle.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
Originally Posted by KitCat

Frankly - truth be told. I do not want to ignore my anniversary.
It is what it is.


Then don't. But know there are other ways to acknowledge/appreciate your anniversary w/o messaging your H. You can look through wedding photos. You can journal. You can call a friend and express your appreciate of what was.

Perhaps these can be alternatives to actually contacting H - because although I believe that your motive may be out of love, your heart is very much still hurt over this. In the end - it will most likely win the battle.


What you mean - it will most likely win the battle?
Originally Posted by KitCat
What you mean - it will most likely win the battle?


I mean the hurt heart will win. You most likely will not be able to send the Happy Anniversary Text w/o expectations. Without looking at your phone to see if your H responds. To wonder what he thinks about your text. To have anxiety on if/he responds. To be sad if he doesn't.

You can try to tell us otherwise. You can try to tell yourself otherwise. That's okay. It's part of the process.

The day will hurt no matter what you do. Whatever you decide... just make sure to take care of you too.
Posted By: Sage4 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/02/20 06:27 PM
KK, can you run some scenarios in your head before you make the decision to reach out to H tomorrow? Imagine it is Sunday morning-- how are you feeling inside if:

1. You contact H and he doesn't respond.
2. You contact H and he responds with something negative
3. You contact H and he responds with something neutral or blows it off
4. You DON'T contact H

Which of these scenarios will be best for KK on Sunday morning? Which will make you feel the best about yourself? Because at this point, your mental and emotional well-being is way too attached to H's behavior. You will never heal if you remain in this place. You must do whatever it takes, even if it is against your nature, to provide yourself with the tools needed to forge a path to healing.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
Originally Posted by KitCat
What you mean - it will most likely win the battle?


I mean the hurt heart will win. You most likely will not be able to send the Happy Anniversary Text w/o expectations. Without looking at your phone to see if your H responds. To wonder what he thinks about your text. To have anxiety on if/he responds. To be sad if he doesn't.

You can try to tell us otherwise. You can try to tell yourself otherwise. That's okay. It's part of the process.

The day will hurt no matter what you do. Whatever you decide... just make sure to take care of you too.


It seems that you are saying -

If I send the text I will have expectations or wonder why he is not texting.

If I don't send the text I will have expectations or wonder why he did not text me
.

So ultimately I'm in a no win situation regardless of what I do. I have to decide what says "I'm a high value person". I continue NC and say nothing or act true to my core values of who I am and risk telling him "I'm a low value person".

This is a real life example of the life I lead:

Many years ago I had a falling out with a dear friend. Over what I can no longer remember. But, she stopped speaking to me. I apologized for whatever it was and gave her time and space. Every year I sent a Christmas card. Sometimes just a short message about how I was doing and hoped she was well. Each year I'd add a little more - wonder how she is and hope she is well. That I saw her parents recently and got caught up with them. That I would really love to hear from her... etc.

Every year it was just silence. But I kept sending that card EVERY year. I saw her parents 2-3 times a year. Eventually she friended me on FB but kept her distance. It was occasionally liking her posts or vice versa. We were in touch but not the friends we once were. When I stepped up and helped her parents with something because she was several states away she reached out and thanked me personally. When her mother passed away she didn't expect me at the funeral - but there I was and she cried she was so happy to see me.

I sent that Christmas card every year hoping it would be the year we would put our issues behind us. But, when it didn't happen I kept moving forward realizing she needed more time. We had been dear friends since high school. I was maid of honor in both her weddings. smile

^^^That is who I am. That is my core. My H did a pretty crappy thing by walking out but I wasn't being the best version of me at the time either. I've done a lot of work and I've grown.

Is the thought of contacting him 100% altruistic? No. But I'm not currently holding a grudge against him. My biggest error is not seeing that he is still holding a grudge against me.
KC,
I think you are just making excuses here so I won't be surprised if you text your H tomorrow which is your choice.

Does your "core value" not include respecting other people's wishes and boundaries? Your H is showing you what he wants/needs. Seems to me that you are prioritizing YOUR need to validate something within yourself verses showing H you respect his wishes (even when it hurts!).

You would not being showing him a "low value person" by respecting his needs or by guarding your heart. That's a justification you are giving yourself.

Same thing with your friend.

One might argue that you were disrespectful of her space by sending that Christmas Card year after year. You pushed your agenda over her needs and then claim them as living your "core values".

Just a different perspective you might want to chew on before you convince yourself you are being a "loving" person by doing an action that is currently not being asked by, and quite frankly unwanted by the other person.

As Valeska says, NOT texting him seems the most loving thing, since he is trying to move on.

Special dates are tough. I hope you do something kind for yourself this weekend and maybe write out all you wish you could say in a journal to get it off your chest. I'm glad I don't remember any special dates with my ex-wife--strange, since I remember my current anniversary and all my ex-girlfriend's birthdays. wink
I had a nice visit with my son yesterday at college... long drive so took up the whole day.

H texted yesterday - How do I deal with a bleeding tail? Puppy wags tail so hard that he injured the tip.

Me face palming... This... this... is my kryptonite. Of course he will contact me on a Sunday. Currently there are few options for emergency service due to COVID. I still consider this puppy "our dog"... IDK why.

I ended up calling him - he rejected the call so I just texted "I called to help" and chucked the phone. Seriously? You contact for help and get me sucked in and you reject the call. DONE. He texted back "can't talk now". I'm like I don't care. You should not have texted me to start with --- this is BS.

He ended up calling 5min later. I was business like and offered the best OTC solutions. Told him how I typically handle this in the office. Prepped him that these things are difficult to heal and can be chronic occurrence and as a last resort tail amputations do happen. Ask for the closest pharmacy to him and said I was out of town for the day but would call in script when I was home.

He stated he was on his way to funeral. That he is really busy right now so not sure when he can get the puppy looked at - maybe 1-2 weeks. Told him to have it seen sooner than later.

Not a single Thank You.

NOTHING.

He texted more questions about the tail last night. Again - not a single thank you for calling in the script. Wow. I have friends that will call and text when having an issue they need help or advice with who are always so thankful for whatever support I can offer them. What a pig.

He will not be bothered to text any updates so I will be left wondering how things turned out for the fur baby. BUT, I will not contact him. He has shown me consistently how selfish he is - he is a pig.
You should not be his vet. You've been told this before. You use this as a way to stay connected.

A simple text back:

"Please make him a vet appointment as soon as possible."

It is your kryptonite because you allow it to be.
You are a glutton for punishment
I accept this is a 100% on me.

I made the choice to respond. The end result is completely on me. Its just sad that he can't even show normal human interaction of saying thank you when I've helped him.

It is what it is.

meh....
Originally Posted by Steve85
You should not be his vet. You've been told this before. You use this as a way to stay connected.

A simple text back:

"Please make him a vet appointment as soon as possible."

It is your kryptonite because you allow it to be.


You're right.

But, as I said I still in my heart consider this "our" dog. Its my dog too and I have concerns about his tail health and hopes he keeps it.

I think with more time I'll be able to think less and less that this is our dog.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
You should not be his vet. You've been told this before. You use this as a way to stay connected.

A simple text back:

"Please make him a vet appointment as soon as possible."

It is your kryptonite because you allow it to be.


You're right.

But, as I said I still in my heart consider this "our" dog. Its my dog too and I have concerns about his tail health and hopes he keeps it.

I think with more time I'll be able to think less and less that this is our dog.


You have a vested interest in the pup. I truly do understand that and get it. I know it is a tough thing for you, you want what is best for him. But surely there are qualified vets in his area that you can trust.
Steve85

It is a tough thing. I raised this dog for 7months and adored him. I know I made the right decision in letting H take him. He has a good life - he is the only pet so the focus is on him and he gets to go several days a week to the family farm of 90+acres to run and play in the creek. What a great life for a dog! H is bonded to him.

Still I've never taken anything in that I don't love until the day its time to let that pet go from this world. I will eventually get to a point where he's not my dog.

Got an update on the dog a day ago. I then started texting back on wound management, care, etc. Totally into Dr mode. Nothing beyond what I would have explained to a client in my office.... then I deleted all that. Just responded that it sounded like he had it under control and thanked him for the update.

He went on to mention that he was not taking the dog to family farm while this was going on and I replied that was a really good idea as he didn't want the bandage to get wet.

He texted that he would bring the dog out in a couple of weeks for a check up and see how the tail was mending. I did not respond to that text.

Much later he texted again stating that he would call and make appointment.

Again I didn't I didn't respond.

It doesn't bother me that he would bring the dog out because I haven't seen the dog in 2 months and I'd really like to see him. He just turned a year old. He is a gorgeous highly pedigreed gun dog. I see dogs all the time and he is a very athletic specimen for sure.

The hilarious part is this --- H did not come to S19's graduation party "because he was working" but truth came out later that he feels that my family hates him. My family would have treated him graciously as S19's step father but whatever. HOWEVER, I can guarantee you that all the staff at my workplace will definitely be giving him the stink eye... LOL!!!! He has more to be worried there than with my family. HaHa!

I'm not sweating it. I'm certain he won't make the appointment. Let's make a list of all the things he said he would do or what he offered compared to what he actually did.
So work on Friday was a freaking long arduous day where I had my schedule marked that I needed to leave by 5:30 and was literally running out the door at 5:50pm.

But, I did make it to my planned event - woman's social at a local winery. Music was good as the wine slushies! Made it home fairly early and just crawled into bed.

Saturday I went to another event at a different winery. This one had 2 live bands... lots of wine slushies... multiple food trucks... crafts/handmade items booths. It was nice. Weather was perfect and it started to cool at 6pm with a wonderful breeze.

I actually planned and booked 2 vacations today -

1st - spending the week up till Xmas in Seattle! I will be traveling with S19. I've wanted to get to Seattle before S19 was ever conceived! smile SS20 is stationed in Tacoma. I've let him know the dates we will be there and hopefully we can at least meet up once or twice while we are there.

2nd - booked a week in March to go to northern MI. Another 2 bedroom condo right by the ski slopes. I've invited my female bff to come along. Due to Covid she works from home... so she can work anywhere. I don't ski and I'm not much interested BUT, I would love to go snow tubing AND do some snowshoe trails which I have NEVER done before. Female bff has health issues so she won't be able to do those activities. I don't mind doing them alone. In our down times we can hang and knit. This is supposed to be a very nice resort... we shall see. smile

Tomorrow I'm getting serious again about my diet. I've been hitting sugars really hard lately and I'm 100% certain that is why my stomach has not been to kind to me the last several days. I've gotten lazy on my exercise schedule as well so that's gonna change. Got another friend lighting a fire under my bum to drop another 20lb... I really want to tone up my arms as well.

Sunday - day of rest... but will get some cleaning done and I still need to tackle my SD19 old room. Got to get things sorted as female bff will be coming for a visit the last weekend in October.

That's all I got this weekend.
KC - this is a great update! I am glad that you got out and did stuff for you, and that you have vacations to look forward to.
This weekend - especially Sunday WAS hard. I actually typed out a text but held on to it -- that was hard. I waffled back and forth. I realize my journey is not his journey. I'm self reflecting into what I contributed and where my actions hurt him but I realize he is on a different path and not currently thinking about the past. He is numb to that and just focused on his current future.

My text:
You felt I was being disrespectful and in turn behaved unloving to me which cause me further frustration that came out as more disrespect. A terrible cycle.

You asked me drop it that day. I felt so unappreciated that I continued to be horribly disrespectful... and that caused you to flood.

I have this long list of things I do respect about you but my actions were not showing you unconditional respect especially that day. I should have let it go and walked away like you asked... I get it now.

I don't even remember if I ever apologized, but I was wrong that day. At the time I was so frustrated you would treat me like that. Its take a lot of self work to see that you were just reacting because you felt I didn't respect you.


Backstory: I am certain I did NOT apologize. I felt he was wrong and to a degree he was. About 6 weeks later he confided to his good friend how the incident scared him (he totally flooded). I think his friend was encouraging him to look into his PTSD (H is a veteran). I have only met this friend once a year ago as he lives far away. We were out to dinner the 3 of us during this time but we were drinking wine and I was buzzed. His friend tried to say something to me about... I had COMPLETELY forgot the incident and was confused. It was weird timing and its not like I know this friend of his... and it was like anytime my H left to go get a drink or the bathroom he would chat me up about it so it was like a 2min convo a copule of times. I brushed it off - I only found out at BD how upset he was feeling I brushed it off. It was just a weird topic out of the blue during diner with drinking and then going to a concert. Looking back I did see how cold my H was acting when I dropped them both off at the campsite that night.

Thanks for letting me post that here.

I did a great job of sitting on it and NOT sending him that text. A good friend suggested that I should give it 30 days. If I still felt it was important after that length of time I can revisit whether I should or not. Perhaps in 30 days I will have worked past it and be comfortable just holding on to it. I feel good about that.

Anyway - I'm trying to have a strong productive week. Working hard -- its fall so I've got lots of outside chores to do this time of year.

I have a date/meet up tomorrow. Just wine and live music. I've been completely honest about where I'm at and what my level of interest is... So we will see if this is just a disaster or something relaxing and fun!
Hi KitCat,

Originally Posted by KitCat
I continued to be horribly disrespectful... and that caused you to flood. you were just reacting

I love your idea of sitting on it 30 days and waiting to see how you feel.

I disagree with how you've internalized this story. I believe it's a thought error, and I sometimes have those in my own situation, so I'll point it out. "I continued to be horribly disrespectful... and that caused you to flood.. you were just reacting" He controls his actions, not you. At one point, my ex-GF would yell at me and I would yell back. That ended a little after BD. "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." -- Viktor Frankl.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I don't even remember if I ever apologized, but I was wrong that day. At the time I was so frustrated you would treat me like that. Its take a lot of self work to see that you were just reacting because you felt I didn't respect you.

I hope your self-work continues until you can say, "Wow, I'm sorry you asked me to stop, and I continued arguing. That was wrong and I apologize." Then, to yourself, because incriminations don't go into an apology, "I was so frustrated you treated me like that. It's taken a lot of self work to see I didn't deserve that treatment, and you own your other faults, too. Like being a lying cheater."

Originally Posted by KitCat
I have a date/meet up tomorrow. Just wine and live music. I've been completely honest about where I'm at and what my level of interest is... So we will see if this is just a disaster or something relaxing and fun!

I hope it goes well. There are risks and rewards to dating early. The main worry I have for you is not to fall hard for someone you barely know because the sex and attention are nice after a dry spell. I see that so often. I worry about these same things for myself, after I get over my ex and am ready to date again.

Good luck! I hope you have fun.
Oh boy oh boy. Ready yourself, it's 2x4 time!

Quote
You felt I was being disrespectful and in turn behaved unloving to me which cause me further frustration that came out as more disrespect. A terrible cycle.


I mean after all your time here you STILL don't understand that you NEVER tell someone else how they feel/ felt???? That shows a COMPLETE lack of empathy! I can see him rolling his eyes at this and thinking "wow she still doesn't get it."

Quote
You asked me drop it that day. I felt so unappreciated that I continued to be horribly disrespectful... and that caused you to flood.


You're just going to make this all about you and what you felt? Do you think he cares? Not one bit! And you're essentially blaming him for his "flooding", saying he made you feel unappreciated and that in turn caused you to be disrespectful, and THAT is why he is "flooding".

Quote
I get it now.


I doubt he would think that is genuine. ACTIONS not WORDS.

Quote
I don't even remember if I ever apologized, but I was wrong that day. At the time I was so frustrated you would treat me like that.


Is that your apology? First, where is "I'm sorry" in there? Second, once again you blame him. He made you frustrated so that in turn forced you to act like you did. "I was so frustrated you would treat me like that." That just absolutely makes me cringe thinking how it would sound to him. It sounds like you're accusing him of being abusive.

Quote
Its take a lot of self work to see that you were just reacting because you felt I didn't respect you.


Telling him how he feels again. You don't know his feelings unless he tells you his feelings. Quit trying to dissect it and pretend you've got it all figured out now. You most certainly do not. And you never will. None of us will. Letting go of the need to know is an important step in dropping the rope.

KC, you have a big heart, I don't doubt that. But you still have so much to learn! I'm really glad you didn't send that, at least you've learned that much. If you want to apologize then apologize. Don't shove a bunch of explanations and justifications and blame in there. "H, I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I've reflected a lot on our interactions and I treated you poorly and disrespected you, and I just want you to know I am very sorry for it." And say it in person. A texted apology is about as bland as eating old cardboard. Maybe say it as he's about to leave, and then wish him well and close the door. And then back it up with actions. When you're talking to him about the D or whatever, then listen to him and hear him. Show him the respect that you didn't before, and do it forever.

Regarding the possible PTSD, not your concern. Maybe he has it, maybe he doesn't. It no longer matters, because you're not in a position to diagnose or help him.
Ok - the text was sort of gleaned from my notes.

Its good to see how that would come across. Its important. Texts are rough enough - lacking tone and body language so its so easy to mistake the intent of a text.

As for the "flooding' that was 100% my fault. He asked me repeatedly to drop it. To leave it be. He was tired/exhausted and getting ready for work. I was angry and hurt (not to mention a strong willed woman) and I didn't drop it... I PUSHED. He was pleading with me to stop and I didn't give an inch. He had so much rage that he was trying to contain and it scared the crap out of him. Yes, it takes two to tango but I did not respect his boundary.

As for me telling him how he is feeling ---- well he has told me that. He left because he felt disrespected. Am I telling him how he feels if those were his words on how he felt? That part I'm a little confused on.

I do appreciate both AS and CW rearranging my text where is says almost the same thing but from a slightly different angle. I am speaking specifically of this ONE episode not in general.

I have been nothing but respectful in my actions and while I have not apologized for some of the things I've done - ie locked up accts, changed the locks, etc. I have apologized that those things caused him to be upset. I worked hard to show that I listen to him. I'm more mindful when I speak to him that I am looking directly at him (hearing issues in the last 2 yrs). I have got myself talking over him and immediately stopped and apologized. I've let him take the lead every time he was at the house to move out more of his things (funny thing was he just sat there NOT taking the lead so I would eventually just make a suggestion such as "want to head up to the attic?", "want to sort the toolbox?")

These days there is absolutely no reason to interact at all - so as far as continuing to show respect through action its limited but I sure noticed a change in how I approached him and reacted to him for the last 6 months. I cannot speak if he noticed. The only time he said anything about my behavior was 2 weeks after BD where he stated "In the last 2 weeks you have shown me more respect than you have in a long time"... Obviously that was several months ago.

As much as I want communication with him and to let him know that "I get it". I also realize he doesn't care. At least at this point in time. So I sat on it... it was hard. But, at the end of the day I was able to say - give it 30 days. If I still feel it needs said I can do... 30 days isn't that long. That seems to have brought me some peace.

As for the "date". I'm so honest and upfront. I do not want to mislead anyone - that would make me feel awful. But, I'm thankful to find a like minded person who just wants to get out for an evening.
KC, going to be blunt. You do not get DBing and I'm worried you never will. You still hang on to words he said as he was leaving and/or emotional. People are rarely honest under those conditions. They use excuses and they say things for specific purposes. So assuming he felt that way because he says it..... Is not DBing and is flat out wrong.

I'll say it one last time. YOU are the one suffering PTSD. You will not be able to move on healthy and happy without IC. And you certainly are in no position to even be casually dating given the desire to not only type that text up, but to even consider sending it!?!

At this point you should be ready to move on from this guy after all he has done and put you through. The fact that you are not is on you..... Not him.
Originally Posted by KitCat
As for the "flooding' that was 100% my fault. He asked me repeatedly to drop it. To leave it be. He was tired/exhausted and getting ready for work. I was angry and hurt (not to mention a strong willed woman) and I didn't drop it... I PUSHED. He was pleading with me to stop and I didn't give an inch. He had so much rage that he was trying to contain and it scared the crap out of him. Yes, it takes two to tango but I did not respect his boundary.

Hi KitCat,

When I read this, it reminds me of survivors of domestic violence. They MADE him hit them. You MADE him flood at you. I realize you declined therapy, but have you found a life coach, and talked to them about your feelings that you, rather than your husband, controlled your husband's actions?

You ignored his boundary. That was a goof and you own that. Of all possible reactions--locking himself in a room, yelling at you, or punching a wall--he chose to yell at you. Right or wrong, that wasn't your choice. If he has a mental defect where when he gets angry he loses control, you may have a case that it also was not his choice. But, then, it was his choice to NOT seek professional help to address his mental health. My ex-GF sees a therapist bi-weekly and takes medication. There are support groups and courses, too.

Anyway, <3. I'd love to see you let go of burdens that are not yours to bear.
Originally Posted by Steve85
KC, going to be blunt. You do not get DBing and I'm worried you never will. You still hang on to words he said as he was leaving and/or emotional. People are rarely honest under those conditions. They use excuses and they say things for specific purposes. So assuming he felt that way because he says it..... Is not DBing and is flat out wrong.

I'll say it one last time. YOU are the one suffering PTSD. You will not be able to move on healthy and happy without IC. And you certainly are in no position to even be casually dating given the desire to not only type that text up, but to even consider sending it!?!

At this point you should be ready to move on from this guy after all he has done and put you through. The fact that you are not is on you..... Not him.


You're right... What I got told at BD was standard. I had to listen between what he said to hear the real reason. Did he flat out say he was leaving because I was disrespectful no... that came out much later and very indirect but said.

How many times have I read hear to write out what you want to say... what you are feeling... tear it up/burn it/put it away for a later time. Isn't that what I did in the guise of a text message. Which I ultimately did not send... by my choice. I just went through my thought process.

AND - I'm supposed to be GALing right? If I meeting up with a like minded person to just get out in friendly terms why I am getting bashed? I know I am in no place for a relationship so I'm not seeking one. But, I can't go out and meet someone? I literally have no issues going out and doing solo things but frankly it gets old and doesn't help me grow emotionally sitting at events by myself.

And there is not a word in DB that states I have to give up on my M because my H is currently checked out. That's how he feels right now and feelings obviously change. There is a whole section on what to do if you WS is in an affair. Its your opinion. I respect that. But, just because I'm not following your opinion doesn't mean I'm not DB. So what I wanted to send my H a text. I didn't. I'm not initiating contact with him at the moment... and I stuck to that. That is DB... just because I had a moment on Sunday and really wanted to reach out does not make me a DB failure... that fact that I didn't means that I'm moving in the right direction.

The spotlight shouldn't be placed on the fact that I wrote out a text and wanted to say something that may have been worded in such a way that I was making assumptions on how my H was feeling but the spotlight should be on the fact that I didn't send it.

I do appreciate how my text was reworded and presented in a different manor - I like that very much. It was incredibly helpful and insightful. I will take those words into account moving forward.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by KitCat
As for the "flooding' that was 100% my fault. He asked me repeatedly to drop it. To leave it be. He was tired/exhausted and getting ready for work. I was angry and hurt (not to mention a strong willed woman) and I didn't drop it... I PUSHED. He was pleading with me to stop and I didn't give an inch. He had so much rage that he was trying to contain and it scared the crap out of him. Yes, it takes two to tango but I did not respect his boundary.

Hi KitCat,

When I read this, it reminds me of survivors of domestic violence. They MADE him hit them. You MADE him flood at you. I realize you declined therapy, but have you found a life coach, and talked to them about your feelings that you, rather than your husband, controlled your husband's actions?

You ignored his boundary. That was a goof and you own that. Of all possible reactions--locking himself in a room, yelling at you, or punching a wall--he chose to yell at you. Right or wrong, that wasn't your choice. If he has a mental defect where when he gets angry he loses control, you may have a case that it also was not his choice. But, then, it was his choice to NOT seek professional help to address his mental health. My ex-GF sees a therapist bi-weekly and takes medication. There are support groups and courses, too.

Anyway, <3. I'd love to see you let go of burdens that are not yours to bear.


CW - this is not something that happens all the time.

I was being a B*tch... completely.

I'm not excusing his behavior. Have there been times he was a total jerk??? Oh, heck yeah - those are on him.

This particular incident is 100% on me. I own it. I didn't realize how badly it broke him that night and weeks later was confessing to a friend (This man doesn't discuss feelings with another man so it had to be bad for him to say something.) I had forgotten the incident. It wasn't until months later I found out how badly it had upset my H.

I mean you can make simple statements "I MADE him flood"... but what happened is I created an environment that overwhelmed him emotionally by not backing down.

Your loved one is in a horrible accident. You break down emotionally --- by your statement "your loved one MADE you breakdown"... they did THAT too you. Rather the truth is you reacted to a terrible situation. My H flooding was reacting to a terrible situation. He did not harm me. He didn't get in my face and scream at me. He reached a point where he was afraid he would and it freaked him out.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/13/20 09:17 PM
KK,

The truth of it all is your H has been planning his exit strategy probably for years now. Earlier the BD1 a couple years ago. One incident didn’t cause him to want to leave. You both have toxic personalities that clashed with one another. If you want to send an apology then do it with no excuses and no expectations.
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

The truth of it all is your H has been planning his exit strategy probably for years now. Earlier the BD1 a couple years ago. One incident didn’t cause him to want to leave. You both have toxic personalities that clashed with one another. If you want to send an apology then do it with no excuses and no expectations.


I agree that this one incident is not why he left - it was multiple small things over time that led to his frustration. Some I already know about... some he hints too or brings up in our limited contact. "we can work out because your mom did x", "I knew I was done when you gave me the helmet ultamadem" <<< I failed to realize how that came across and I was perhaps mothering him and not treating him as a grown man who can make his own choices for what I felt was a good reason. Regardless... I get that he has tons of gripes.

I feel particularly bad about this issue -- I was a b*tch that day

Maybe he will eventually burn through his resentment and anger and he will go "yup, every time my kids were with held from me for months at a time she had my back... supported me without batting an eye"... "during the times my mom treated me with venom and disregard she had my back then too". "she drove 2hr, picked up pizza and sat in a parking lot in lawn chairs to have 25min and dinner with me when I was working 12's 7 days a week". "I took for granted how she made sure I always had dinner and lunches prepared without having to do the work or clean up". "she did come around and really made sure I was able to focus on my hobbies". "I always had what I needed and more"

Maybe that day never comes. IDK.

But I had some serious feelings to burn through on Sunday. Put them out there. Was honest about my struggle in wanting to engage with him about it --- came to terms that he isn't at the same place I am with these issues and probably doesn't want to hear or be reminded right now. So I sit with it. Agreed to give myself a 30 day period to sit with it. Most likely in 30 days I won't be stuck on this particular thing - it may be something else.

I'm taking it one day at a time.
Didn't you already say all that to him via text a few months ago when he opened up to you?
Originally Posted by SamCal
Didn't you already say all that to him via text a few months ago when he opened up to you?


No... I discussed my issues with control and what / where they came. I recognized he felt disrespected but only recently have I understood the crappy cycle we were in. Seeing that now it's so easy to see how that night got so out of control... I get it more now. The cycle of feeling disrespected and behaving in an unloving way just creates more disrespect.

There are 3 things I've been carrying I'm my heart. I thought when H was at the house 3 weeks ago to donfinancials I might say something. I didn't say a word. Staying on track as best I can I am not to initiate R talks. He chatted quite a bit when he saw I was looking into a teardrop camper. He spent a whole extra hour that he didn't need to... anyway I digress.

The issue above is one. Another issue was more recent to BD and it's more of a thank you for something very loving that he did... I was so overwhelmed at the time. Up twice every night with new puppy. He did a very generous thing for me and I don't even know if he realizes I knew. In my head I thought I needed to call him once he got to work to say thank you... once he left I got busy with the puppy and never said a word him about it. Dumb I know... I may bring it up and he may not know what I'm talking about now.. silly... but it's in my head


The 3rd was an issue that happened early in our M. I'm ashamed of how I acted. No need for details.

Crap.

There were really tons of great times. Wonderful trips. Raising kids. Crap no wonder he wanted out. I never let down, stepped away... I can see I didn't always stay in my lane. I'm trying to look at it from H perspective. Right now all incandescent ser is the ugly. All I think he can see is the ugly.

Anyway, blabbed on too much.

Got a busy day tomorrow.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
KC, going to be blunt. You do not get DBing and I'm worried you never will. You still hang on to words he said as he was leaving and/or emotional. People are rarely honest under those conditions. They use excuses and they say things for specific purposes. So assuming he felt that way because he says it..... Is not DBing and is flat out wrong.

I'll say it one last time. YOU are the one suffering PTSD. You will not be able to move on healthy and happy without IC. And you certainly are in no position to even be casually dating given the desire to not only type that text up, but to even consider sending it!?!

At this point you should be ready to move on from this guy after all he has done and put you through. The fact that you are not is on you..... Not him.


You're right... What I got told at BD was standard. I had to listen between what he said to hear the real reason. Did he flat out say he was leaving because I was disrespectful no... that came out much later and very indirect but said.

How many times have I read hear to write out what you want to say... what you are feeling... tear it up/burn it/put it away for a later time. Isn't that what I did in the guise of a text message. Which I ultimately did not send... by my choice. I just went through my thought process.

AND - I'm supposed to be GALing right? If I meeting up with a like minded person to just get out in friendly terms why I am getting bashed? I know I am in no place for a relationship so I'm not seeking one. But, I can't go out and meet someone? I literally have no issues going out and doing solo things but frankly it gets old and doesn't help me grow emotionally sitting at events by myself.

And there is not a word in DB that states I have to give up on my M because my H is currently checked out. That's how he feels right now and feelings obviously change. There is a whole section on what to do if you WS is in an affair. Its your opinion. I respect that. But, just because I'm not following your opinion doesn't mean I'm not DB. So what I wanted to send my H a text. I didn't. I'm not initiating contact with him at the moment... and I stuck to that. That is DB... just because I had a moment on Sunday and really wanted to reach out does not make me a DB failure... that fact that I didn't means that I'm moving in the right direction.

The spotlight shouldn't be placed on the fact that I wrote out a text and wanted to say something that may have been worded in such a way that I was making assumptions on how my H was feeling but the spotlight should be on the fact that I didn't send it.

I do appreciate how my text was reworded and presented in a different manor - I like that very much. It was incredibly helpful and insightful. I will take those words into account moving forward.


Funny how after you get challenged, you suddenly are so sure you have everything figured out. This has been a cycle you've been in for months:

- Post here what you are going to do, want to do, feel like doing
- Get told why it is the wrong thing to do
- Get defensive, justify, right-fight, and defend it
- Then after being told the same thing in different ways by different posters, finally admit to what you are being told is correct and the right way you should go
- Rinse, repeat

I give you 100% kudos for not sending it. After 10 months of DBing you've finally made it that far. However, you then go on to say how you KNOW how he felt because he said it (not DB), that you struggled and almost sent it several times (not DB), and that now you are going to go on a date, literally days after almost reaching out to your STBXH, and defend why that is still a good idea (not DB).

But, after 10 months you still struggle with newbie thoughts, feelings, and impulses. Yet respond, again when challenged, as if you have this all figured out. And then quote a suggestion (writing out a letter and then NOT sending it) that we give to people in the initial stages of their situations. And then completely ignore the fact that you need a professional to get you over these humps that you are stuck at the bottom of.

KC, I hope you come to terms that your MR is over, that the likelihood of him ever coming back is NIL, and that at some point you close the door, and decide not to allow him to come back yourself. Yes, DBing isn't about giving up, but DBing is also about getting real. The man is not only gone and checked out, but in a serious R with another woman. The healthy thing to do at this point is to shake the dust of your heels and move on without him. And as far as the GAL rules, the #1 is to NOT date/flirt/become involved with members of the opposite sex.

KC, I wish you well moving forward. I truly and sincerely hope you find peace and the fortitude to move on to the great life you deserve! You seem like a wonderful person, that does truly enjoy life. My prayer for you is that you find a way to recapture that enjoyment of life again, no matter what your lying, cheating STBXH decides. This is an imperfect life, if it wasn't for lying and cheating, he could have met a physical demise through disease, accident, or malfeasance. I truly hope you find the coping skills and help needed to move past all of this.
Hey Kit,

Just adding my 2 cents...

I think the reason why so many people advise against dating is because you are still broken from your last relationship. It's a slippery slope because although your intentions are not to get involved with someone, it's very easy to get those dopamine hits from a new person in your life, which eases the pain of your split with H. And once that happens, you will start to feel like you are falling in love with the new person.

Check out Wolfman's thread. He didn't follow the boards advice and is paying for it dearly now.

In order to moved past the pain and heartbreak, you have to allow yourself to feel and process your pain. And you won't be able to process it if you are dating someone new, it doesn't work that way.

Thorn
Hi KitCat,

Originally Posted by KitCat
At the time I was so frustrated you would treat me like that. Its take a lot of self work to see that you were just reacting because you felt I didn't respect you.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I mean you can make simple statements "I MADE him flood"... but what happened is I created an environment that overwhelmed him emotionally by not backing down. He did not harm me. He didn't get in my face and scream at me. He reached a point where he was afraid he would and it freaked him out.


Hi KitCat,

I get you now. Reading your original post, I thought his "flooding" involved some sort of reaction towards you--yelling, harsh words, etc.--that made you feel treated badly.

Reading Frankl's quote, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response..", I don't take it to mean we won't feel sad, hurt, or angry when something bad happens like a car accident. I take it to mean we control our actions afterwards, e.g. whether to yell, say harsh words, etc. Obviously, exceptions for mental defects like PTSD and being under the influence, but we do control whether we seek help such as therapy, medication, or support groups.

You get many 2x4s. I know I've also appreciated your support when I've done something good. You did well in not sending that text and sitting on it for 30 days. It's not easy to let go of someone who has been central to our lives for so long. I hope your date is "light" and fun. The main reservation I have since you've been honest with him, is that attention and romantic advances after a dry spell can be intoxicating. It was for me, lol. Wishing the best for you, like everyone here, KitCat.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Its good to see how that would come across. Its important. Texts are rough enough - lacking tone and body language so its so easy to mistake the intent of a text.


When you're dealing with a full-blown WAS, nearly anything you say is going to be interpreted negatively, even the most well-intentioned apology. That's why we council silence and giving time and space. Literally ANYTHING you say to him is going to get twisted into justification for leaving you and never looking back. Way back before I was married I had several girlfriends (not all at once!) I broke up with one that was a blubbering mess, would not leave me alone. Begged me to get back together. I could not run away from her fast enough, her desperation was an extreme turn-off. I broke up with another who's attitude was "your loss". She didn't lift a finger to contact me or get my attention. It made me wonder what she was up to, and what I was missing. So I totally get why DB'ing suggests going dark and keeping contact to a minimum, it's to make him miss you. We've said it before but he will never learn to miss you as long as you keep hanging on. And I know you -think- you're letting go, but you're really not. You do some GAL activities but you still spend way too much time fretting over H. Even this "apology" you think you need to make, I think if you are completely honest with yourself it's just another attempt to reach out to him and get some kind of reaction. Of course your apology doesn't matter one bit to him, he will just think "yup, I knew it, this was all her fault and even she admits it now." He will NOT think "oh she's changed, maybe we should get back together!" That is not on his radar.

OW is on his radar.

Quote
As for the "flooding' that was 100% my fault. He asked me repeatedly to drop it. To leave it be. He was tired/exhausted and getting ready for work. I was angry and hurt (not to mention a strong willed woman) and I didn't drop it... I PUSHED. He was pleading with me to stop and I didn't give an inch. He had so much rage that he was trying to contain and it scared the crap out of him. Yes, it takes two to tango but I did not respect his boundary.


Try not to spend so much time dwelling on your past faults. Acknowledge it, learn from it, move forward and do better.

Quote
As for me telling him how he is feeling ---- well he has told me that. He left because he felt disrespected. Am I telling him how he feels if those were his words on how he felt? That part I'm a little confused on.


Just in general don't ever tell someone how they feel. Period. Your kids, your boyfriend, your best friend, your mom, anyone. If 6 months ago he told you how he felt about something, then that was how he felt at that moment in time and that was the time to discuss it. You listen, you validate. That's it. He says he's angry, you respond "why are you angry?" He tells you because you disrespected him, you reply "I can understand why that would make you angry, I'm sorry I made you feel that way." Do you see the difference? That is NOT telling him how he feels, it is listening to him and ACKNOWLEDGING how he feels. You don't wait 6 months and THEN repeat back to him how you think he felt back then, and couch some kind of weak apology around it. Right?

Quote
I have been nothing but respectful in my actions and while I have not apologized for some of the things I've done - ie locked up accts, changed the locks, etc. I have apologized that those things caused him to be upset. I worked hard to show that I listen to him. I'm more mindful when I speak to him that I am looking directly at him (hearing issues in the last 2 yrs). I have got myself talking over him and immediately stopped and apologized. I've let him take the lead every time he was at the house to move out more of his things (funny thing was he just sat there NOT taking the lead so I would eventually just make a suggestion such as "want to head up to the attic?", "want to sort the toolbox?")


That all sounds good, so if that's the case, why in the world would you think you need to text an apology about some conversation that took place months ago? You say you've apologized, then good, your work is done. No more apologies needed. One heartfelt apology means much more than a dozen weak ones.
So - I do end up writing out a lot of things here. Its really how I process things. I'm sure I come across as weak and that its 8mo now so why am I not further along. For starts I am better than I appear to be here... here is where I let those crappy thoughts in head a place to get out... stare at them and make sense of it. But, also not everyone's path is the same and healing (as true with recon) is never linear. Its more 2 steps forward and 3 steps back at times.

I appreciate everyone's input but I'm only putting a piece of me out here. The piece that needs to work through some very painful crap. I don't come here to pat myself on the back every time I do something by the book.

After sleeping and more time to process I completely see how my "original" text in saying that he felt X so I did Y which made him feel more X is wrong. I pulled the texts from notes. Its great that I wrote it out, especially here so I can see what impression it would leave.

What I should have wrote "because I felt unappreciated I behaved very disrespectfully to you". That would completely leave out stating any assumptions and telling him how he feels. However, this then becomes completely about me? Totally losing what I am trying to apologize for.

Do I really need to apologize? In the big picture? I can tell you there are 3 things that have been weighing me down for many months and would like to bring up with him.... ^^^^ that being one of them.

Well I'm grateful I did manage to convince myself to hold off 30 days and re-evaluate the text. I acknowledge that he is not at where I am at this point in time. He could still be completely numb and not caring about anything... and the apology would just be a reminder of what he left and not seeing that I am remorseful. I get that.

Other parts of my brain are firing -- how much time??? how much space??? I've left him alone, backed off... how much time could he need??? Why hasn't he contacted or sat down with me and had an R talk??? Why can't he R talk with me??? smile Sorry that what my neurons are screaming at me.

I get what everyone says about the dating. I'm sooo not looking to fall in love period. I'm just looking to have some good conversation, some great wine and enjoy live music. I have no trouble socializing with myself... but you sit in a public place conversing with yourself and you tend to draw the wrong attention.. LOL. Just know I'm 100%mindful and not going in wearing sunglasses.

CONFESSION. Its been 3 weeks and I still have not dropped off the finished financials to the atty - I actually have about 45min of work to finish it up and I just haven't been able to do it. I get home I'm tired. I want to go out. I'll do it tomorrow. I can't believe H hasn't harassed me about if I've heard from atty yet. I'm dreading when he does. I will be honest and not lie... I mean I could just throw my atty under the bus about it... UGH. I know I need to sit down and get it done... I've dragged my feet for 6 months now.
Kit,

Your H doesn’t want to have R talks because it repulses him.

Would you like to have a R talk with your son’s father? What if your sons father came to you with an apology about how he treated you when you were together? Would you want to reconcile with him or would you laugh in his face?
Who’s the apology for? You or him?

Is it because you are truly remorseful and he would want an apology?

Or is it because you want him to see your remorse and want you back?

Evaluate your intentions.

Does he need the apology? Or do you need the apology?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Who’s the apology for? You or him?

Is it because you are truly remorseful and he would want an apology?

Or is it because you want him to see your remorse and want you back?

Evaluate your intentions.

Does he need the apology? Or do you need the apology?


This is one of the reasons I've sat with this particular incident for MONTHS. Is he asking for an apology - no. Does he want an apology? Well who knows? None of us are mind readers.

I am so truly remorseful.

To the point that every interaction I've had with him since April I am mindful to listen first. Validate that I heard what he was saying. Only giving my opinion when asked. If I found myself talking over him or vice versa I immediately stopped and apologized [we were both guilty of telling the other to stop talking because we were just trying to be heard]. Interestingly enough the first time I did apologize for over talking him, he stopped and simply said no, go ahead. It was such a refreshing change. I certainly noticed... but did he???

Anyway, without rolling over and giving in to all his demands regarding finances, atty, moving items out of the home (I stood my ground for those things). I really put forth the effort to be markedly different. Sure, it would be great if he noticed... even better if he said something. I understand completely if he never says a thing.

So yes, I'm remorseful.

But apologies are just as much for yourself as the other person. I've been holding back because I do not want to inflict my agenda on him.
Originally Posted by Thornton
Kit,

Your H doesn’t want to have R talks because it repulses him.

Would you like to have a R talk with your son’s father? What if your sons father came to you with an apology about how he treated you when you were together? Would you want to reconcile with him or would you laugh in his face?


True enough.

Interesting analogy. Its been 19yr and he hasn't apologized yet... that's his burden to carry. But, lets say for the sake of argument he did sincerely apologize... wasn't married (which he is)... would I reconcile? Its been 19yr and I don't know who this person is anymore. He has radically changed from who he was --- I not much attracted to the person he is these days. But, I certainly would not laugh in his face.
You can apologize for yourself. I just think you have major expectations from your apology . You want him to see it and acknowledge it, and won’t be happy if he doesn’t. You think if you verbalize this apology he will dump other woman.

That’s where it becomes a problem. If you need to do it to move on, I encourage it. But you need to have zero expectations . Because you always have expectations. Your text you didn’t send was full of expectations from him
Originally Posted by AnotherStander

You do some GAL activities but you still spend way too much time fretting over H. Even this "apology" you think you need to make, I think if you are completely honest with yourself it's just another attempt to reach out to him and get some kind of reaction. Of course your apology doesn't matter one bit to him, he will just think "yup, I knew it, this was all her fault and even she admits it now." He will NOT think "oh she's changed, maybe we should get back together!" That is not on his radar.


^^^^ this.

When thinking about this in the context of the "being fired as his W" analogy, this is akin to an employee you fired for something calling and apologizing for it - the takeaway is (internally) yeah, I know that you shouldn't have done (whatever), hence why I fired for you for it.

If your brain is still firing in the "hasn't he had enough time" phase, then it doesn't sound like the apology is for you, it sounds like it is to hurry him along.

You can go ahead and forgive yourself - you don't need his permission or forgiveness to do that. You may well never get either of those things. Do your own emotional heavy lifting by absolving yourself, and don't rely on / burden him with that task; because that "I am sorry" does come with at minimum the expectation of hearing forgiveness in reply.
Originally Posted by SamCal
Originally Posted by AnotherStander

You do some GAL activities but you still spend way too much time fretting over H. Even this "apology" you think you need to make, I think if you are completely honest with yourself it's just another attempt to reach out to him and get some kind of reaction. Of course your apology doesn't matter one bit to him, he will just think "yup, I knew it, this was all her fault and even she admits it now." He will NOT think "oh she's changed, maybe we should get back together!" That is not on his radar.


^^^^ this.

When thinking about this in the context of the "being fired as his W" analogy, this is akin to an employee you fired for something calling and apologizing for it - the takeaway is (internally) yeah, I know that you shouldn't have done (whatever), hence why I fired for you for it.

If your brain is still firing in the "hasn't he had enough time" phase, then it doesn't sound like the apology is for you, it sounds like it is to hurry him along.

You can go ahead and forgive yourself - you don't need his permission or forgiveness to do that. You may well never get either of those things. Do your own emotional heavy lifting by absolving yourself, and don't rely on / burden him with that task; because that "I am sorry" does come with at minimum the expectation of hearing forgiveness in reply.


Yes, I agree. That's why I have been sitting with it... I'm not looking into making any more mistakes.

I was supposed to finish up financial paperwork and drop off at atty 3 weeks ago... for numerous reasons I just let it sit there. I'm not proud of it. I mean yes, I did have some legit things pop up. One of which was medical. Even still I should have taken it last week.

UGH - H texted me today if I've heard from the atty?

I'm a terrible liar. My whole life I've been honest to a serious fault. Right now I'm avoiding his text.

I'm not sure how to respond and not make it bad???

Me: I'm dropping off everything tomorrow. I realize this should have already been done.

Yes - I had medical procedure but I don't want to list excuses. I'm willing to take accountability. I want to come up with a response that is respectful and admitting I'm at fault without stating such ---

Any pointers?
Well if you're truly honest like you say you are, how about "I didn't drop the papers off because I don't want to get divorced"?

There's no trick or verbiage that is going to make him not want to get divorced. You can't make things worse with him because he's already gone.
t
Originally Posted by Thornton
Well if you're truly honest like you say you are, how about "I didn't drop the papers off because I don't want to get divorced"?

There's no trick or verbiage that is going to make him not want to get divorced. You can't make things worse with him because he's already gone.


Quite true... but I was hoping for a wording that wouldn't stir more negative feelings --- trying to keep it neutral.

Today is also the bday of his estranged daughter. He hasn't seen her in a year and its been 11mo since he talked to her. He owns 50% of that. My DS19 has some issues. I also have not seen her in 12months. I text her on the holidays and sometimes in between. I mailed her bday gift. Only recently has she started talking and seeing her grandmother and her grandmother figured out if she takes her out to eat she will likely respond/go out. Briefly her mother has manipulated her and held her unaccountable for years. She went to high school for 3yr and had a GPA of 0. Her mother didn't bother to enroll her the last year and frankly the school didn't want her. Now 2yr later she has not done much of anything to work toward her GED. She has no job - sits at home all day/sleeps. I'm not sure if she ever got her driver's license or not.

I expect him to be crabby but I'd like to find a way to be matter of fact and just nip it in the bud - where he will be like "oh, okay, thanks for letting me know" <<< Pipe dream I'm sure.
Originally Posted by KitCat

Quite true... but I was hoping for a wording that wouldn't stir more negative feelings --- trying to keep it neutral.


Here you go:

Originally Posted by KitCat

Me: I'm dropping off everything tomorrow. I realize this should have already been done.


Quit trying to make this stuff more complicated! Keep it simple and you won't go wrong. If he writes back asking why you haven't done it yet, don't reply. You don't owe him an explanation. He's only your H on paper, he ceased to function as one quite some time ago. You can't nice him back, remember that.

Well said, AnotherStander. KitKat, the messaging can really be that simple, even if behind the messages you're feeling "WHY?!?! This [censored]. I wish they'd look back, and make a better decision."

Originally Posted by KitCat
I expect him to be crabby but I'd like to find a way to be matter of fact and just nip it in the bud - where he will be like "oh, okay, thanks for letting me know" <<< Pipe dream I'm sure

Try to catch yourself when you do these deep thinkies about your ex. Far more important than being sensitive to it being the birthday of your ex's estranged daughter when you say, "I'll drop off the paperwork tomorrow", is to spend less time thinking and worrying about his feelings. He's an ex. He's moved on.
Thanks!!! That's really helpful.

Frankly this stuff should have been dropped off 2 weeks ago ---- on top of dragging this out 7months now. Its just NOT my priority. At the end of the day I've had a medical issue. Dealt with court/college costs for S19 which came to a head this week and at least until spring semester has been resolved.

I know I can't "nice" him back. I just no longer want to be the b*tch - I just don't want to be seen that way.

Ultimately I just have a lot of guilt for not having dropped this off 2 weeks ago frown

Thanks for the help.
Well - thanks again. I did only write "I am dropping off everthing tomorrow" as I went to bed to not wait on his response.

I woke up to just H: "ok"

If he was angry or annoyed I was relieve he didn't take it out on me.

BUT, then I opened my note app. NOW, when we were married this app is what we would use to share grocery lists, he would keep his ammo notes on it, I would write down to do's at the house, we kept lock codes there and H would leave his work password stuff there for me when I had to access something, etc.

I figured he deleted it all back in April. That's the last time he modified his motorcycle list.

I never thought anymore about it.

I continued to use the app. I had a new To Do list for home stuff. I had 2 other notes actively in use that were notes I was taking down from 2 books I was reading... I had labeled one Skills, the other Love and Respect.

Well today I woke up and all but 2 of my notes were deleted along with his motorcycle list.

WTH

I didn't really panic because they would just be in the "trash can"... they were.

But not only did he delete my notes from my book. He actually opened up the note and erased EVERYTHING. Its a blank note now and that is NOT recoverable.

I can only assume he has read all the notes. frown

One was a list of things I do respect about my husband - it was an exercise from one of the books I was reading.

Soooo.... while his text did not convey he was unhappy that I have not taken the crap to the atty... his very passive aggressive actions sure as heck did.

***This has totally thrown me for a loop but as I write this all out I'm already to a place of "I don't give a crap". If that made him feel better - then fine. He clearly has horrible anger and resentment of me to work through. I know it had to completely S*CK that his D19 has had nothing to do with him for a year... he talks so fondly of how he was the first to change her diaper... how she colored his nails with a marker... he loves her... but they have a lot of sh*t to work through. Knowing it was her bday yesterday had to gut him. I'm kind enough to give him a pass.

Moving on...
Why are you guys sharing a notes app?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Why are you guys sharing a notes app?


Well we no longer deliberately share the app... I just don't think he understood how the app was still syncing.

However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.

He wasn't deliberately trying to erase my notes. He was trying to unsync the app. I cannot unsync from my phone. He has to do it from his.

It was a big mistake and not passive aggressive dig at me.

Glad that is all cleared up.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Why are you guys sharing a notes app?


Correction: "Why are you guys STILL sharing a notes app?"

But then...we already know.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Why are you guys sharing a notes app?


Well we no longer deliberately share the app... I just don't think he understood how the app was still syncing.

However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.

He wasn't deliberately trying to erase my notes. He was trying to unsync the app. I cannot unsync from my phone. He has to do it from his.

It was a big mistake and not passive aggressive dig at me.

Glad that is all cleared up.


So you ignore the action. Believe the words. Because it makes you feel better.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Why are you guys sharing a notes app?


Well we no longer deliberately share the app... I just don't think he understood how the app was still syncing.

However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.

He wasn't deliberately trying to erase my notes. He was trying to unsync the app. I cannot unsync from my phone. He has to do it from his.

It was a big mistake and not passive aggressive dig at me.

Glad that is all cleared up.


So you ignore the action. Believe the words. Because it makes you feel better.


His actions show he was trying to separate out the note app and keep it from syncing with each other.... I believe that he didn't exactly do it correctly at first... it may still not be done correctly, IDK

Actions = still working toward separating EVERYTHING

I only got words because I asked about it.
I’m willing to bet the farm that you knew it was still shared and you hoped he saw that list you made about him.

I know this because it’s something I would have done in the beginning.

And if you have time to date, you have time to drop off tables
Please do yourself a favor and detach everything that’s shred. Do not take peeks into each others lives. You will save yourself so much energy, hurt, and disappointment .

Take it from someone who has been there
Originally Posted by KitCat
He clearly has horrible anger and resentment of me to work through. Moving on...


I don't think he cares as much as you think he does. I think he's moved on with his life with OW and bought a house with her. I think sometimes you can get stuck in denial, Kit. Your H is deleting his connections to you not because he's mad at you but because he's moved on.

Let him go, process the divorce, and maybe one day in the future he will look back after he hasn't heard a peep from you for a few years.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m willing to bet the farm that you knew it was still shared and you hoped he saw that list you made about him.


^^^ We used to call these "truth darts", I haven't seen anyone here use that term in a while but that's exactly what it is. It's the truth, and it stings when you get hit with it. I had this exact same thought when I read your post, and I think Steve alluded to it as well in his response.

KC, I'm sure this was just another way you were trying to hang onto H. You don't do anything really bold to hang onto him, but you do a thousand little things like this. And I'm sure you've heard the term "death by a thousand paper cuts", no one is killed by a paper cut, but a thousand of them can really put a world of hurt on someone. Same thing with all these little furtive efforts you make to hang onto H, in aggregate that are completely destroying your chances of a future with him.

I don't believe him when he says he accidentally deleted the notes, I'm sure it was completely intentional, and I agree with you that it was very passive/ aggressive of him. It's a continuation of the toxic, dysfunctional relationship between the two of you. You have the power to stop this, and you have the knowledge. Now it's time to implement what you've learned. Quit depending on your intuition, it is wrong! Go all in on DB'ing. Detach.

If you want to push the D through then push it through. If you don't then inform H you are not proceeding and that if he wants to then you are leaving it all up to him to sort out. Then STOP ALL CONTACT. No shared notes, no free (or paid) vet service for the dog, no temperature check texts or emails or phone calls.

Really all of this has been said to you multiple times already. I don't know, maybe I'm hoping that if we keep saying it then at some point it will sink in.
Originally Posted by KitCat
However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.

It's surprising that you were successful in not sending that apology, and then reached out about this. I seem to recall you were attempting to establish a no-contact or critical-business-only policy to help yourself heal and let him miss you. Did this fulfill a need to have some communication with him?
Originally Posted by AnotherStander


Really all of this has been said to you multiple times already. I don't know, maybe I'm hoping that if we keep saying it then at some point it will sink in.


I think that despite all of KC's opposition to advice, refusing to follow it, and the frustration we feel at watching her get hurt all over again, we keep coming back because we can see that KC is a really good person and we feel for her. I agree with you AS, nothing that is said to her in her threads are new, she's heard it all before. I can't tell you the number of responses I've typed out, some of them quite lengthy, only to delete it and say "forget it, she'll either get it or she won't". I think all of us have tried to find the right angle to get her to release her grip on the things she is unmovable on. But I will also say that I think we've seen some of the frustrations that her STBXH felt when he started to give up on the MR.

Imagine if she had gone and gotten IC way back in Feb. when she was first told that IC was part of good DBing. Maybe he would have seen that, realizing how opposed to it she was leading up to it, and deep down thought "Wow, she must really be trying this time." Maybe it wouldn't have changed his actions, but I bet he would have at least denoted it.

KC, I know you want to save your marriage at all costs, and we've all tried to guide you in the actions to best do that. Not because you pay us, not because we derive some benefit from it, but simply because we've all been there and can relate to what you are going through. We hate it for you. I sincerely wish I could give you a big red button that you could push that would make all of it fixed instantly. Unfortunately, none of us have that. What we do have is a collective of decades of experience and accumulated knowledge and wisdom, much of which many of us have poured out of our hearts to you. I am asking you one last time, reread DB. Concentrate on GAL, 180s (IE the biggest one you can make is to change course on IC), and work on detachment starting with going completely no contact with him, following the rules of engagement we have outline for you multiple times. And forget about saving your marriage.........instead focus on saving yourself!
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/16/20 05:10 PM
KK,

Instead of all this PA bullshit of shared calendars and notepads I think I would rather see you do the one letter where you say everything you want to say and send it to him and get it over with so you can move on. I would just run it by the board because you like other people who have narcissistic traits have a way of trying to place blame elsewhere. Own your faults and move forward.
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

Instead of all this PA bullshit of shared calendars and notepads I think I would rather see you do the one letter where you say everything you want to say and send it to him and get it over with so you can move on. I would just run it by the board because you like other people who have narcissistic traits have a way of trying to place blame elsewhere. Own your faults and move forward.


You don't think I've owned my faults?

I got the impression that I was being chastised because I taking on too much blame in the relationship.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by KitCat
However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.

It's surprising that you were successful in not sending that apology, and then reached out about this. I seem to recall you were attempting to establish a no-contact or critical-business-only policy to help yourself heal and let him miss you. Did this fulfill a need to have some communication with him?


Well I was sitting on the apology because I was trying to see where it was coming from and ultimately was it more about me or him? Was he in a place to even receive my apology?

Not being able to answer those questions - I let it sit.

Deleting my notes was an invasion of my privacy. Since asking him about it he truly didn't mean too - he was trying to set up the app where it no longer synced to me. He just didn't do it correctly.

Frankly, I have no idea why he didn't delete the app and just get a different one... they are a dime a dozen. I had assumed he did delete the app because he hadn't used it since April. I thought it was safe for me to start using again as it had been months.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

Instead of all this PA bullshit of shared calendars and notepads I think I would rather see you do the one letter where you say everything you want to say and send it to him and get it over with so you can move on. I would just run it by the board because you like other people who have narcissistic traits have a way of trying to place blame elsewhere. Own your faults and move forward.


You don't think I've owned my faults?

I got the impression that I was being chastised because I taking on too much blame in the relationship.


Opinions vary, but I agree with what you are saying here. I wouldn't do another apology. I think LH's point is that if it will help you move on, then do it. I do not think it would help you move on so I say don't do it.
Why didn’t you delete the app and get a new one? Instead of “assuming” it was safe, why not just delete and get a new one. Takes a minute.

Why did you contact him about deleting your stuff? You knew he did it. There is nothing more to say. At that point you delete the app and get your own and restart your list. Not need to contact him to confirm what you already knew.

You are in denial. Denial of all you actions which are just meant to keep some sort of contact, your passive agressive moves, you excuses all over the place.
Well - awkward.

I logged onto to my bank acct today as I had deposited the money S19's dad sent for his portion of fall schooling... only see a large amount being deducted from a company that holds our insurance/auto loans. This was NOT my charge.

I had to call H - he rejected the call (honestly NOT surprised)... but then immediately texted "I'll will call you right back" (that surprised me)

When he called he just answered "you called me" in a muffled voice. I explained there was a charge for X dollars from X company on my acct... was that you? He suddenly said "oh, crap... I'm sorry... I thought it was coming from my acct"

I just stated I'm sure it was an accident and he just clicked the wrong bank info (FYI - our insurance accounts are as separate as we can get them... X company won't 100% separate until there is a divorce decree). I was very nice and calmly just asked if he could get the money to my account today... it's over 3k and I can't carry that unexpected expense.

UGH... wishing that didn't happen.

I did drop off ALL the paperwork to atty today. frown It is what it is....

H has left the building...
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/16/20 06:09 PM
What would the old KK said to him?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Why didn’t you delete the app and get a new one? Instead of “assuming” it was safe, why not just delete and get a new one. Takes a minute.

Why did you contact him about deleting your stuff? You knew he did it. There is nothing more to say. At that point you delete the app and get your own and restart your list. Not need to contact him to confirm what you already knew.

You are in denial. Denial of all you actions which are just meant to keep some sort of contact, your passive agressive moves, you excuses all over the place.



The app is tied into my email address... This app on his phone is also tied into my email address. I could delete the app off my phone but then I would have to go about deleting my email, getting a new email and transferring tons of business links/bank info/bill pay to new email. Its more than just removing an app off my phone for me... no big deal to him... its not his email.
Originally Posted by LH19
What would the old KK said to him?


In regards to what?
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/16/20 06:15 PM
For drawing money out of the wrong account. Guessing you would have let him have it.
Originally Posted by LH19
For drawing money out of the wrong account. Guessing you would have let him have it.



The Old Old Me --- would have taken it in stride... easily fixed no biggie.

However, to be honest if this happened in one of our down cycles I might have made comments on this is why I handle everything. I would have been stressed about how to fix it. I wouldn't have been "nasty" so to speak but I would have been overwhelmed and maybe unkind? Certainly would not have called him names or yelled but I'm sure he would have felt very small by stressed out overwhelmed demeanor. I'm sure he would have felt worthless?

I took today to really showcase where I am in life. Maybe that wasn't the right move???

H: money has been deposited
Me: Thank you for taking care of it so quickly
H: Well I F'ed up had to fix it [[[ my H taking responsibility --- that's awesome!!]]]
Me: It's all good. Have a great weekend.

I see growth on both sides of the fence. Too bad its too late. He's not coming back but maybe in the back of his mind he's like... hmmm... thought I'd get all kinds sh*t what's up with her?

He resolved the issues within 1hr of my calling him. He had to go to do different banks on a Friday so he didn't dawdle on it. smile
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/16/20 07:29 PM
KK,

He sees it for what it is which is manipulative. It’s gonna to take many years where he believes any of it and trust me after all that he’s going to put your through in the next few years the last thing you will be saying is “have a nice weekend”.
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

He sees it for what it is which is manipulative. It’s gonna to take many years where he believes any of it and trust me after all that he’s going to put your through in the next few years the last thing you will be saying is “have a nice weekend”.


I see your point. I was trying to stay upbeat and positive and put in a way that he didn't need to follow up?

For future reference what would you have said to "well I F'ed up had to fis it"???
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/16/20 08:55 PM
I wouldn’t have responded to it. At most “no problem” would suffice.

You’re still in the forest KK but you’ll eventually find your way out of you keep moving forward.
4 glasses of wine at my meet up... slash date... or whatever the heck I'm doing.

Wow... told repeatedly I look like I'm in my mid thirties (nope 51... here's my driver's license). Told repeatedly what idiot would walk out on all this??? Boy, he's gonna regret it. "what do you want to eat... you're the boss". REALLY??? I'm done being the "boss". Being the "boss" got me where I am right now....

Home now drunk ordering pizza.

Adventures in dating when your're in your 50's... woo hooo... laughs on me!!!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/18/20 09:00 PM
Sooooo did he go for the kiss?
Originally Posted by LH19
Sooooo did he go for the kiss?


No... LOL... he asked for a hug... smile

Despite what a train wreck I am when I am at this site, I'm a pretty well put together highly successful woman who has no trouble maintaining good conversation and eye contact... I'm sure I'm pretty intimidating as a first date.

Nice guy. No spark. Friends would be okay.

I'm honest. I'm not looking for a romantic partner... I'm not there yet. I've still got one foot in 2019.

But it felt good to get out of the house and have grown up conversations, however I really should not be out having 4 glasses of wine on a Sunday. I seemed to have ordered WAY too much food for a single person!!!
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/18/20 10:44 PM
Lol. Can I have a hug?

So you took him for 4 drinks and food? Good for you!

Boy you sure are good at trying to manipulate people because I’m sure you told him up front you’re not looking for a romantic partner. Watch out for karma KK.
Originally Posted by LH19
Lol. Can I have a hug?

So you took him for 4 drinks and food? Good for you!

Boy you sure are good at trying to manipulate people because I’m sure you told him up front you’re not looking for a romantic partner. Watch out for karma KK.


OUCH!!

Uhmmm... excuse me LH... who said HE paid???

And.... the food I ordered was dinner once I got home after we parted ways.

I'm starting to think that you have it out for me LH frown
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/18/20 11:02 PM
Sorry just assumed he paid.

Soooo did you tell him in advance you weren’t looking for a romantic partner?
Originally Posted by LH19
Lol. Can i have a hug?

lol. I agree, his flirting indicated he wanted more, and this was a fail approach to get there. wink

Guys reading, go in for the kiss! You miss 100% of shots you don't take.

Originally Posted by KitCat
As for the "date". I'm so honest and upfront. I do not want to mislead anyone - that would make me feel awful.

She says she was clear she wasn't seeking romance. Given the guy was informed of his odds going in, I see no harm no foul here as long as she didn't "assume" he'd pay (e.g., she paid or he offered to pay). But those are just my dating ethics. I suspect we all have slightly different playbacks.
It’s interesting people go on DATING apps and say they aren’t interested in romance.

Kind of an oxymoron .

I mean, he must have not being looking romance if he went out with a woman who clearly stated she wasn’t seeking romance.

Interesting
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/18/20 11:28 PM
That is interesting. Guess the hug was all he was looking for from you. Weird he would go through all that for a hug?

KK I don't have it out for you but I will call you on your $hit. I'm not a physchologist but I do tend to think you are a nacarssist and I was raised by one and I know they can do a lot of damage to innocent people trying to get what they want. I would love to see you trust the process but you are always right and the rest of us are wrong so I don't know why we bother? Guess that's on us.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
It’s interesting people go on DATING apps and say they aren’t interested in romance.

Kind of an oxymoron .

I mean, he must have not being looking romance if he went out with a woman who clearly stated she wasn’t seeking romance.

Interesting


This particular app lets you state... people are pretty up front. Yes, there are guys that state they are not looking for hooks ups and just friendly outings... some are into POLY (eh... hard swipe to the left please!!!)... some are looking for LTR.

I was very clear about where I'm at in life. He was very clear with where he was at with his. I'm new this app... he shared his experiences. Said he was open to just friendship OR whatever I wanted to pursue.

This seems to be a good fit for me for now. I couldn't sleep at night if I felt I had misled anyone.
Which app is this? I would like to find some friends for outings with no romantic intentions .
Originally Posted by LH19
That is interesting. Guess the hug was all he was looking for from you. Weird he would go through all that for a hug?

KK I don't have it out for you but I will call you on your $hit. I'm not a physchologist but I do tend to think you are a nacarssist and I was raised by one and I know they can do a lot of damage to innocent people trying to get what they want. I would love to see you trust the process but you are always right and the rest of us are wrong so I don't know why we bother? Guess that's on us.



Again... wow...

That left me in a serious bucket of tears.

I'll admit that I've not been in the best head space since BD. I probably have anxious attachment style - working on it. I'm certain none of my close friends would feel the same as you do. I'm the one who is typically taken advantage of... if anything I have been told I'm polyannaish, that is probably true. And, that is probably why your post made me cry.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Which app is this? I would like to find some friends for outings with no romantic intentions .


Bumble
I met my ex boyfriend in there. Yeah.... that’s not a friendship app.
Posted By: LH19 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/18/20 11:58 PM
KK it’s best that I don’t post on your thread any more. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can find some peace someday soon in your life.
Posted By: may22 Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/19/20 12:45 AM
Hey KitKat,

Hang in there. Don't let anyone on this board bully you or make you feel badly about yourself. Your thread gets a lot of action because people here care about you and and want to see you happy and healed. We think your H is a d-bag who isn't worth your a second of your continued angst, and it is painful to see you go through so many contortions over the drips of communication with him (or the absence of it), and the hope we see peeking through on your end with every interaction.

People recommend IC because they think it will help you. I know you had some bad experiences in the past, but maybe a life coach instead will be helpful to you-- a different approach and very forward-facing. People are trying to tell you things maybe in different ways, hoping that you'll hear them if they try different approaches.

But you are the only one who truly knows your sitch. No-one here really knows you. I think it is great that you have this outlet to share your most difficult thoughts so that IRL you can buckle up and go about your day. So take what you read with a grain of salt, find what resonates with you and try it out.

And dating? Since when was a single date a contract between two people to do anything besides meet and share a meal or a drink and see if they like each other? So what if she isn't wanting sex or a LTR right now? What's the difference between her not wanting that with anyone and her not feeling the spark with this dude in the moment? Honestly, it seems to me like one date is no big deal and probably helped KK a lot to just get out there and know she still has it. Her date at worst had a wasted night, no different than if it were with a woman he ended up not thinking he was compatible with at the end of the evening. it isn't like she's talking about stringing him along for months.(Right, KK??)

Hope you have a great week.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I met my ex boyfriend in there. Yeah.... that’s not a friendship app.


I don't know what to tell you...

I have several profiles on my match that simply state - looking for friendship only, looking to hang out...

Yes, I agree the majority are looking for LTR. But, the others do exist. I'm honest in my profile so anyone chatting with me is 100% aware.

YOU were looking for LTR potential... that's what you found... or almost found I guess. Its not all that's there though.
Originally Posted by may22


And dating? Since when was a single date a contract between two people to do anything besides meet and share a meal or a drink and see if they like each other? So what if she isn't wanting sex or a LTR right now? What's the difference between her not wanting that with anyone and her not feeling the spark with this dude in the moment? Honestly, it seems to me like one date is no big deal and probably helped KK a lot to just get out there and know she still has it. Her date at worst had a wasted night, no different than if it were with a woman he ended up not thinking he was compatible with at the end of the evening. it isn't like she's talking about stringing him along for months.(Right, KK??)

Hope you have a great week.


Thank you for getting it... seriously.

This particular guy shared with me his opinions of this app versus other apps. Shared that woman tend to lie heavily about their age... posted dated pictures. He shared a particular date with someone who lied about their age by 10yrs. He wasn't so against dating someone of her age but rather that she lied about it.

He appreciated my honesty.

I went into this with the mindset to relax and have a good time. Try and have some great conversation (lets not forget I'm not only without my spouse I'm also now an empty nester.) I don't think I took advantage of anyone.

Thank goodness I'm medicated because that comment really cut me quite deeply - I lost it. I did reach out to a long time friend and asked for their opinion and did it line up... he said I was the furthest thing from narcissistic.

That being said I do see where someone would feel that I'm not listening and I writing that I'm always right. I guess, again all I can say is that I do listen. I stew on things and mull them over. I write out every thought in my head as its how I process information... I apologize here over and over and sort through my issues here because IRL I can say nothing to him. This is my only outlet.

I do have somewhat of a life coach for the last 7 months... life coach on a budget.. LOL... I need to upgrade so I'm working on that.
Posted By: job Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 23 - 10/19/20 03:41 PM
New Thread:

I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 24
© DivorceBusting.com