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Posted By: Gigi123 Taking next steps - 09/25/20 06:52 PM
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2901716#Post2901716
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 09/25/20 07:09 PM
Quick recap

H ended things in march as we went into lockdown, lived together for 2 months And i asked him to leave.
H with ow but not living together, i m pretty sure still together.

The usual was stuff and now 6 months in house going up for sale. H cant pay for house and his rental (i dont know where that is yet)

Im ok, day to day fairly detached, get an emotional day here and there (swear its hormones!) but generally getting on with life as best as possible with all the restrictions. Still affected by h occasionally, looking forward to it ending, feel very much still in limbo. Cant imagine recon once we sell the house and go our separate ways.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Taking next steps - 09/25/20 09:36 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Quick recap

H ended things in march as we went into lockdown, lived together for 2 months And i asked him to leave.
H with ow but not living together, i m pretty sure still together.

The usual was stuff and now 6 months in house going up for sale. H cant pay for house and his rental (i dont know where that is yet)

Im ok, day to day fairly detached, get an emotional day here and there (swear its hormones!) but generally getting on with life as best as possible with all the restrictions. Still affected by h occasionally, looking forward to it ending, feel very much still in limbo. Cant imagine recon once we sell the house and go our separate ways.


Hang in there. Putting the house up for sale must be brutal.

I'm able to keep my home - its lovely, but its 2000sqft of emptiness now that my son is off to college. Maybe a new house would be a new start? But, I could not imagine packing up all my stuff and hauling it anywhere.

Interesting fact - if I am able to recon with my H it will mean selling my house and moving to where he currently lives... weird huh? You see yourself wondering how recon will happen if your house is gone and I know if I recon my house will definitely have to go! Maybe that will help you see that recon and M2.0 could start in a fresh place free of bad mojo?

Well I think we both get ahead of ourselves. smile Who knows if R is in the cards for either of us.

Just know that you seem to have it so much more together than me. Strength is attractive... remember you are only in competition with yourself, not her. Focus on yourself. Be the best you for you and your kids. Keep living your life and pay no attention to him. He will notice... but the hard part is they don't say anything for the longest time. And, if and when they do it comes out as ANGER. Don't get sucked into the anger. Realize that anger comes from pain. Your spouse is really hurting... right or wrong it is how they are feeling.

6mo isn't that long. I'm approaching 7mo now. I will say that the anger is gone and that bothers me a bit because its indifference that is the opposite of love.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 09/26/20 06:50 AM
ts funny kk i rarely actually think about recon, not because i do t want my family together, but because i want H to be someone who he isnt at the moment or ever was?!?!
The house stuff is stressful and mainly because i have no family here and he has always had my back, i think its difficult to lose that.
I dont love the house, its too big for me to maintain with work and boys, but i love what it represented and boys see it as home!
S6 said it so clearly, it will be exciting to stay at papas house, but we live here, papa chose to leave. Very profound for a 6 year old. Whatever i buy i want to make sure its not too big and ok for me to maintain and live life. I dont want to stay here and have nothing to spare at the end of the month.
I know that recon can happen wherever i live really, it wouldnt matter and as H is renting at the moment and said he plans to for the foreseeable future, if he wanted back and i was still in a place where i was interested he would just give up his rental place. I mean im thinking in absolutes here, i made it very clear that i wont be moving unless i have something lined upfor me and the boys and only if the offer on our house is suitable.
You are right though 6 months is nothing, i think it feels lengthy for me because of all the turmoil and im emotionally drained and just when i recover there is something else.

Its the same for everyone really.
H is coming to see the boys today at the house and has suggested i leave so he can spend some time with the kids without me here. He said you are always here....which is
Sort of true because im working from home, so whenever he comes round during tue day to like pick something up im here. I made plans for some of the time anyway.

I occasionally feel irritated with him, but not angry, i prefer not to have him around.

Hope you are keeping well
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 09/27/20 04:43 PM
So you all tell me how i should react? A parcel just came for my h, its from a womens brand that sells Skimpy dreSses.

Its OWs birthday sometime beginning of october, so he basically just had her present delivered to the house where me and boys live! I mean i just find it mind boggling!

I was very tempted to just bin it and tell him nothing bloody arrived. Or txt him to say i tried it on but its a big for me, sorry smile
Posted By: KitCat Re: Taking next steps - 09/27/20 08:13 PM
wow... just wow...

My gut reaction is to trash it...

He doesn't live there right? I'd leave it on the porch then and hope the porch pirates show up and its stolen.
Posted By: may22 Re: Taking next steps - 09/27/20 08:52 PM
Agreed... I'm sure there are people who are able to kindly hold onto it and give it to him, or send it along, but I would probably just leave it outside too. That is pretty gross.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 09/27/20 09:38 PM
Its pretty gross i agree, it just shows hiw tacky their A is, the brand of clothes is incredibly tacky, i sort if hope she us getting something else as a present. Is it strange that it didnt trigger a huge emotional response?!

Am i successfully detaching?! Is this how it feels? Like indifference?!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 09/28/20 04:54 PM
Jeez i think i am detaching! I didnt do anything, he picked the kids from school, came over, bathed them, had dinner with them (never does that!) asked about the parcel. I just calmly said i have put it away and thats that.

I Dont want To build Up more resentment In me towards him,so im just letting it go, because thats better for me!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 10/02/20 10:05 AM
Its been a week since the convo around putting the house on the market, i think he is away as its ows birthday, im sure its not his priority, life feels in a bit of limbo, but all things out of my control.
Posted By: may22 Re: Taking next steps - 10/03/20 08:47 AM
hang in there, Gigi. Detachment feels good, doesn't it? What are you doing for yourself?
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 10/03/20 09:44 AM
Feels like a time of change, but so much out of my control.
I have increased my hours at work, so working every day now.

The weather has been rain non stop, and with so many places having limitations due to covid, me and the boys try and do stuff at home. Games, drawing and so on. Im reading a lot, listening to podcasts and just have some to e to muself every night with no distractions. I would like to do more for me, outside of the house. But H is unrealiable in terms of being with the boys. He has let me down last week, i was meant to be out and had tickets for an event and he let me down the day before. So unless i get a babysitter, which im not sure is a good idea with covid and financially for me too, my evenings are spent at home.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 10/09/20 02:32 PM
Its been 2 weeks since the house was meant to go on the market, no more convo re that.

Otherwise very little Changes here, h is self isolating so we havent seen him for nearly 2 weeks.

Otherwise busy at work and spending a lot of time with the kids
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 10/19/20 04:23 PM
7 month tomorrow! Time flies....im good, boys are good, be it a little confused, s6 thinks this is temporary and H will come home. House not on the market, no more convos re this, In fact no convos about anything. Came to see the boys, looked down and depressed, it doesnt look like all is smooth with ow. His rental is being renovated, so im sure once its ready he will start badgering re having kids overnight there. At the moment i dont know where he lives.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Taking next steps - 10/19/20 06:19 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
7 month tomorrow! Time flies....im good, boys are good, be it a little confused, s6 thinks this is temporary and H will come home. House not on the market, no more convos re this, In fact no convos about anything. Came to see the boys, looked down and depressed, it doesnt look like all is smooth with ow. His rental is being renovated, so im sure once its ready he will start badgering re having kids overnight there. At the moment i dont know where he lives.


I know this is all hard... I'm sorry.

It does seem like you are handling yourself well under the circumstances.

I also, had no idea where my H lived when I booted him out. He was already gone 3-4 nights on a weekend and frankly didn't tell the truth well at all then... the silly part is that I wasn't even asking but he still felt the need to lie. He was not pleased when he was forced to leave and be gone 24/7 and no longer allowed to come and go as he wished. I suspect he couch surfed and probably stayed mostly with a married couple. I remember at one point him telling me he couldn't stay at OW's as her place was too small. Only a one room/bedroom apartment? I literally laughed and thought to myself that maybe he should be screwing someone in a higher pay bracket... LOL! Never said that out loud.

He bought a house. I still never asked for his address. Didn't care. Hilarious though because our insurance company wanted to make sure I knew and sent me all the documentation for his house. I have 5 months later never even googled the address... never drove by... don't care.

Hang in there.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 10/19/20 08:57 PM
Hey KC

I Occasionally wonder, but im a woman i wonder about many things. These are fleeting thoughts, not obsessions.

I sort of found calm in between all this limbo and uncertainty. I have no doubt at some point there will be conversations.
But for now, he isNt doing anything To hurt me. We have Seperated everything to the point where he wouldnt even need to lieto me about anything. He hasnt dragged the kids anywhere with OW since 12 September.....we only correspond about kids, any issues at school that i feel he needs to be aware of or if there are any large purchases to do with kids where i need money. Thats it. We dont ask how each other are, when he is at the house, i tend to go and run errands or crack on with my own stuff out of their way. I must say kids love it when we are altogether in the house.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 10/22/20 04:52 AM
Boys and i are flying abroad for a week, something that we have planned as a family a long time ago, it was for s6 and my H birthday. H isnt flying with us but dropped us off at the airport. It will be the first time in 7 years where him and s6 who share their birthdays will be apart. I have no idea if he is still with ow or not, i anticipate its still going on in some capacity, but certainly doesnt feel as intense as it used to be.

I realise that after 7 months i dont know this person, i dont know what his life is like, what he likes, how his health is, i know nothing about him. It feels strange not to know any of this after 13 years together.

He is moving into his new rental in November and has already asked for the boys to stay with him over the weekend, i just said ye lets talk when im back.

Anyways looking forward to a week worth of sun and a brilliant time with my boys
Posted By: rachel75 Re: Taking next steps - 10/22/20 03:14 PM
Gigi, you sound like you are doing really well! I'm so glad. I hope you have the best time celebrating S6. It sounds like you are doing great with detachment.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 10/22/20 06:21 PM
Thank Rachel, you know we even started talking more freely, he rung me
To check how we got to our destination and im on with that. I know ots against db, but im exhausted from all of
This. We arent friends never will be, but i would hate for my
Kids to have parent who do bot
Communicate and cant stand being around each other.

Thats just where we are you know and he seemed perfectly content that he wasnt on holiday with us (i mean it might be for show) or he could truly just be happy that he has ow. Whatever it is it doesnt impact me.
So i guess yes
Im as detached as im going to get at this stage

How are you doing?
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 10/30/20 08:45 AM
Hey all, we are back from our holiday abroad and what a fab time we had with the boys. H dripped us off at the aurport and picked us up too. All very odd really. Whilst we were away he has crammed a load of his stuff into our garage ready for him to move into his rental place next weekend. I have no idea if he is moving in with ow or not. I know they are still going, as they txt all the time.

Otherwise literally no changes in our sitch. It will be xmas in no time, and then we are out of the horrid 2020!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 11/01/20 03:56 PM
H is moving into new rental and as we are heading into lockdown for 4 weeks he wants to establish a routine when the kids stay with him. Kids have lived with me for over 7 months now, it feels strange that we are about to embark on this journey.

I feel good about my life, but its the kid thing and the whole childcare arrangement that bothers me most. I still cant get my head around it. Kids and i have a life, friends that we see and go for walks with, it means i will have to fit all of that on the days i have the kids. I know im being selfish here, but i dont want to miss out on any time in their lives. They are growing up and i know that in no time they will be teenagers who might not even want to spend time with me!
Posted By: Traveler Re: Taking next steps - 11/01/20 04:51 PM
Hi Gigi,

Truth. Itís sometimes hard not seeing your kids 50% of the time, even 10yrs in, even when theyíre a teen and only *sometimes* want you near, lol. The trade-off is you learn to be more present when you do have time. How often in a 2-parent household are both parents busy? Itís rarer when switching custody. Last night for my 4-hour Halloween possession I had new decorations, a scary (pg-13) movie, dinner, and a candy cookie project ready to go! And then this morning itís me time and now that Iím caffeinated Iím off on a full-day training hike to up my physical endurance.

PS - Volunteering at your kidsí school and sports gives you extra time, even during COVID.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 11/01/20 05:02 PM
Yes of course, you are right in terms of time. I have been on my own with them for 7 months, with very minimal support from H. Every parents phone call, every school interaction, 99% drop offs and pick ups, dinners and breakfast, bedtimes and sleepless nights were on me! And i managed all of that woth more energy and more presence compared to when H lived here! I dont know how that is possible, but i havent enjoyed motherhood this much before, im present for my kids, we have great routines, they are involved in so much around the house. I encourage a lot of independence, they help with cleaning the dishes etc. Our relationship has become so much better, i feel like i know them.

I love hearing their laughter in the house, their chats with each other, how they play and fight, so missing out on that is so so difficult for me. Feels like suddenly he is invading our lives after 7 months of visiting the kids.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 11/06/20 10:21 PM
We are now in lockdown for 4 weeks, not that much change to normal life really, as i remain working from home, kids going to school.

We have a strange dynamic going on really, as ah hasn't had a place to stay permanently he has been coming here to spend time with kids. On Wednesday kids found an old memory card and wanted to check whats on it, it turned out it had some pics from when they were little and a few pictures of H and I cuddling etc. It was odd sitting through that with H commenting and making kids laugh. I dont see these things as anything but just that, him spending time with kids.

Today he has rung the kids and was at OW parents house (ow lives with her folks), its so absurd really. She waves and sais hello to s6. Its his moving day tomorrow, so it remains to be seem if they move in together or just him. He hasnt said anything to me, but i dont anticipate he would, thats the type of thing he just springs on us and expects kids to be ok.

Boys are doing well, but its like they have forgotten the conversations we have had, in the last week they both have asked so many times when is H just coming back home.....i have to remind them he doesnt live with us. The kids part is still tricky, everything else is fairly easy to be fair. I dont contact him unless is essential (i.e fine i. His car-car in my name) he txt me daily to ask about the kids. How long so we go on like that?!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 11/09/20 07:06 PM
So i need to sense check something.

H has his new place but hasnt moved in, today he picked up the kids from school and took them to the house (said he would take to park but it rained) he was speaking to the kids and said on wednesday you could come round and help me clean the house....i really do t mind, however i have no idea where his house is, and i find it odd that my kids will go there and i dont know their whereabouts....so i thought saying on wednesday, ill pick the kids up after school and we will come together to your new house. Kids also said to him they want me to see it! So great opportunity for them to be excited about showing me around. At this stage i dont know if OW is moving in or not, but i feel like that shouldn't really matter in this scenario.

This is new territory for me, so i dont know whats reasonable and how this works really
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 11/16/20 10:56 PM
Hi everyone, nearly 8 months post bd. I feel emotionally stable, good, kids are good too, be it confused still.

No idea what is happening in H life, i dont ask. Het an occasional txt about kids, but he is very much a seperate entity from us. From some brief remarks, i gather that he is staying at ows parent house, thats all i know.

I need to put it out there, i have joined a dating site! And i realised that im not even remotely interested in that! Maube im not ready, maybe its not how i would like to meet people, maybe i dont want to explain the complexity of
My sitch. It doesnt really matter why, but it feels wrong and unnatural at this stage. The amount of attention from men is ridiculous, but i dont feel like i want to waste my time and energy on talking to 30 to find that i dont find any of them even remotely interesting.

Anyways, deregistering shortly. Is this normal to feel like this?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 11/17/20 04:42 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Hi everyone, nearly 8 months post bd. I feel emotionally stable, good, kids are good too, be it confused still.

No idea what is happening in H life, i dont ask. Het an occasional txt about kids, but he is very much a seperate entity from us. From some brief remarks, i gather that he is staying at ows parent house, thats all i know.

I need to put it out there, i have joined a dating site! And i realised that im not even remotely interested in that! Maube im not ready, maybe its not how i would like to meet people, maybe i dont want to explain the complexity of
My sitch. It doesnt really matter why, but it feels wrong and unnatural at this stage. The amount of attention from men is ridiculous, but i dont feel like i want to waste my time and energy on talking to 30 to find that i dont find any of them even remotely interesting.

Anyways, deregistering shortly. Is this normal to feel like this?


There is no normal in any of this. Many turn to dating and even casual sex as a coping mechanism. I am not a fan of it, and my advice is always the same. Do not complicate your situation by introducing a new person into the mix.

I am a big fan of the show Everybody Loves Raymond. There is one episode where a woman mistakes Robert for Ray,. and when she shows up at Ray's house, everyone thinks Ray is cheating on Debra, His dad Frank says: "What did I teach you? You have a problem with the wife you don't go out and get another broad (sic). Now you just have TWO problems!"

I think Frank through his crassness hit on a very important principle for LBSs. There will be plenty of time for dating in the future. No need to rush into before you are mentally and emotionally ready. Many on this form have broken that principle and paid an emotional price for it later.

So is it normal to feel weird about it this early? I think it is, but then many would say I am the abnormal one. My advice is to deregister. Focus on you and your kids. When your WAH is long gone in the rearview mirror, the D is final, and the kids are used to the arrangement then you can dip your toe into the dating water.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 11/17/20 09:12 PM
Thanks Steve

I realise that whilst im healing and doing well there are aspects in my life that are still trigger points. Primarily around kids and uncertainty of the future around childcare.
I also have no idea when the D is going to be finalised, as H hasnt filed. In fact H did very little from what he said. Needless to say the house is not on the market, divorce is not on the table. I mean there are hundreds of things he said he would do but never did. And it seems everytime i just say ok to him and not create obstacles he just back down.

Im still very conflicted about dating whilst im married and whilst clearly his values allow
Him to do that, i really struggle with that. It feel like im betraying something that I committed to. Sounds stupid because our marriage doesnt exist.

I think it was a good trial run registering, but alas im not there yet.

Kids are really confused where they think I should have keys to dads new house, they very much consider our house their home and then theres dads house. They know who ow is, but havent put 2x2 together. They still very much see us as a family and are convinced if we ever moved to another country H would go with us. So there is a lot to work through still with them.

Every now and again i get a call from H, a week ago he cried on the phone to me about missing the kids, a
Couple of days later he sent me a message to say that he is so grateful for everything im doing. I either validate how he is feeling or dont respond. And then he goes quiet again.

We have no formal agreements re childcare, in fact we just dont talk about anything, we have no agreements at all.

It sort of feels like limbo, but likewise feels fairly final now that he has rented a house for himself and invested money into new stuff for the house.

I dont have the resource at the moment for anything to be finalised, but i consider it more and more to sense check when enough is enough and i think somewhere deep down i still have a connection to H, its not a painful one, but still present.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 11/19/20 01:19 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123

Im still very conflicted about dating whilst im married and whilst clearly his values allow
Him to do that, i really struggle with that. It feel like im betraying something that I committed to. Sounds stupid because our marriage doesnt exist.



One of the things that R2C says is to never give up on your core principles! No matter what your STBX is doing or not doing. And I think this is such great advice. Many LBSs have given up core principles because they felt justified in doing so only to regret it later. Core principles are there for a reason. Always let your core principles guide your actions. Not the other way around. We have a society today that act first and then justify. And we see so many problems in our society today because of that philosophy. Having a strong set of principles that guide what you believe to be right and wrong, and then acting according will make a huge difference in your life!

As far as the finality. We tell LBSs all the time, you will know when enough is enough and YOU will take decisive action at that point to end things. Rather than sitting back and letting him decide. In my sitch I had, on the guidance of an anti-D expert I consulted with, a hard drop-dead date. I would give my W until X date, and then go and file for D myself. Life is too short to wait forever. Especially to wait on the laziness of a WAS.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 11/22/20 03:42 PM
Your words are so encouraging! I know that a day will come when i say it os enough indeed, im not there yet.

We have just embarked on a new chapter, and for the first time in 8 months the kids stayed with H for two nights. Somehow i thought he would want to spend time with the lids and get them settled, but OW was there the whole time and stayed over. But not something i can do anything about, so i let it go and let my own principles guide me. I know i wouldn't do that, as i value my time with the children on my own so so much. Im sure it will take some time for us to iron out schedules that suit both of us. Kids missed me and s7 struggled to fall asleep and ended up sleeping with H and OW.....s5 wanted to come home early but H said him and OW would miss him too much. H is very much trying to integrate Ow into their lives, again outside of my control. Ow is 14 younger than H, lives at her parents (or maybe with H now) and doesnt have kids.

Anyhow i just need to make sure that we are all ok, the rest life will iron out over time and everyone will end up where they belong.
Posted By: Mumin Re: Taking next steps - 11/22/20 03:57 PM
That sounds rough Gigi!
Sorry if this is a hijack but might help you as well.
At what point do you tell YOUR KIDS you donít want to hear?
Or rather HOW do you tell them?

I know I wonít want to hear about details while at mommyís, certainly not if OM is there.
Iím not there yet but interesting to hear how other have approached it.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 11/22/20 04:21 PM
It wasnt pleasant, i did feel a bit emotional, but it didn't last long. I cant control it you see, itís pointless speaking to him about it, he clearly wants a new life or at least a perception of it. I know where he lives now, but he always comes here if the kids need picking up or some their clothes do, i dont think he is that keen on me meeting the OW. I actually dont care, i will always be their mum and in his life, whether anyone likes it or not.

So Mumin in answer to your question, you never ask them to stop telling you! If anything you validate, you take interest. I would hate for Ow to be nasty to my boys, and as H never tells me anything (my son was sick in the car and clearly distraught by it) but H hasnt told me. S5 tooth fell out and no mention of that either. S5 wanted to come
Homes and s7 really missed me at bedtime.
So when they came back i made sure i asked questions about them and how they felt being there. Of course OW was mentioned, but they are at the age where they just take H word for it. So H says to them him and Ow will miss them, so they repeat that.
Posted By: Mumin Re: Taking next steps - 11/22/20 04:42 PM
Totally agree with you on that Gigi. Priority 1,2 and 3 is them being safe and happy!
I guess I was envisioning them babbling on about sleep arrangements and such, without you really wanting to know.
Fine line I guess between wanting and needing to know.
Will have to depend on the trust one has for X as well as actions shown.
Sure sounds like your X is doing a BAD job and then it is of course better to know.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 11/22/20 04:56 PM
Of course i dont want to know that s7 slept in the same bed as H and OW, but i never wants then to feel that they cant say stuff to me, so i endure listening to their stories. priority 1 is them, i will work through my emotions once they go to bed, whatever that means for me.

I try not to ask because i might be a little nosey, only ask on a need to know basis to make sure that they were happy and nothing untoward happened
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 12/09/20 10:16 PM
Journaling

Week 3 of H having kids 2 nights per week. Its a struggle to agree which night they will be and at the moment they change weekly. I miss them dreadfully, but i also welcome the break! I have been doing single mum thing for 8 months with no help from H! So the two nights are certainly nice to be able to do my own thing. Ow is definitely loving with h, kids dont mention her too much, for them its all about dad.

I worry about s7 and H relationship, in fact no i worry about s7. We talk a lot before bed time and he has said some
Things that concern me. Like he lied to dad because he was worried if he said the truth dad would be upset. I worry that he is trying to be a perfect child, believe me when they get back home from H they are like teo ceazy monkeys they certainly arent scared of upsetting me smile

Our mortgage deal was coming up, so i renewed it for another two years which prompted a message from h to say that we do need to put the house on the market. I didn't respond, but felt amused that i already agreed to the house sale and he just needed to get it done when the market was booming! And he didnt.

Now that he is living with ow, we definitely see very little of each other, and im not allowed to drop the boys off at his house, which is totally ridiculous because boys want me to come and see his house and show me around. He is attempting to keep my as far away from ow as possible and frankly i dont care. I dont need to exchange pleasantries with her i would only ever be there for my kids.

We are coming up to xmas and no plans in place around who is doing what, so im just making plans with the boys, if he wants to come and see them in the morning, he is welcome to, if not well his loss. He can have them boxing day, that will give me some time to chill too.

I dont know what life holds for me in the future, but im thinking more and more about setting a date for this to end. I sont want to file, but i will ask him to do so. Im just trying to work through where i need to be to calmly do that, when is enough actually enough. Is march a good time, it will be a year! Summer time? Do i wait until i buy my own house and we sell our house?
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 12/14/20 08:18 PM
Its probably a tricky time for many of us, as its coming up to xmas and school holidays. And what an odd time it will be!
H rung to agree next week, boys are staying with me xmas day, which im so pleased about. I mean i wouldnt have compromised anyway, but he seemed to have suggested that and instead doing the day before and day after with them.

Work is crazy busy at the moment, so im running on a very tight schedule here most days. Not much gal going on at the moment.

S7 has announced that H bought a ring for ow for xmas. Hopefully not an engagement one, as he still hasnt filed for D ))
But nothing would surprise me really, although things are very calm between H and I. We talk about kids and thats it, its always civil and almost emotionless.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 12/14/20 08:25 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Hopefully not an engagement one, as he still hasnt filed for D ))


Not your monkeys. Not your circus.
Posted By: Mumin Re: Taking next steps - 12/14/20 08:59 PM
Great expression Steve!
Though I can really image thatís a hit to the gut Gigi.

I myself just had a Christmas talk with W.
She ended up crying as usual.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 12/14/20 09:53 PM
Do you know i found it amusing actually. Kids think she is a friend, so s7 said H only got her a very small present for xmas, a ring ))

If they are getting engaged, well its about time we started talking finance, assets, pensions. So its a looooong road until marriage number 2 for him.

I have friends coming for xmas, so that will keep me and the boys busy. I just need to gal the day before and boxing day when they are not here.

I actually think the thing that has affected me was the day after xmas when they are going to see Hs family. I miss those gatherings, but hey none of his family has stayed in touch and i havent heard from mil since october, all part of the process i guess.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 12/19/20 09:39 PM
Journalling

We are in UK and have just gone into tier 4, which essentially means no mixing with anyone, so just like that all plans for xmas and new years have been altered!

I have been so resilient throughout this whole process that im now able to see the good pretty much in everything. These changes have been a blessing in disguise! H was going to take the boys to see his mum with OW for 4 days and that is not happening now, it means i will be spending more time with my boys and yes it will just be the three of us and our friends wont be coming, but that is ok too.
I know how tricky this time of year can be, but im somehow grateful for things that are happening around me, although i have no control whatsoever over them. Im looking forward to next year and hoping that this sitch of ours is going to come to some sort of finality in the new year.

I dont feel like there is anything in this for me, i dont feel like the person he is now is someone i want to be with. I know what my values are, i know what my life needs to be. I find happiness in little things, i have become a better mother and a better friend. Im a great manager at work and a good employee. There is one big problem, my kids want their dad to come home! Really desperately want us to be a family and i dont know what to do with that anymore. I have explained to them as much as i can that we are not together and that H is living with someone else now. And all i feel im doing is holding them whilst they cry :((
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 12/28/20 08:42 PM
So need some suggestions on how to deal with this. Things have been failry steady and we got into our routine and i was ok with that.
H drop kids off and says they both said they want to live with him, which is totally bonkers as s5 get upset every time he leaves me to stay overnight. So i spoke
To kids and they indeed said they missed their dad and S5 couldnt really explain why he wants to live there.
All i did was just validate what h said and just confirm that ues they do miss him.

So putting S7 to bed and he says that H have set up a youtube channel for him?!?! And that he only ever does it with OW. Surely this is something that i should have been consulted on?! The videos are harmless, but surely that is t the point, my S is on youtube!

I havent txt as im too angry and we wont be seeing H until after New years anyway. Ive been pretty chill about everything, indifferent even. But this has really irritated me.
Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Taking next steps - 12/28/20 08:45 PM
Hi Gigi, sorry to hear that there is tension re the kids and your H, I wish you and others on these boards weren't having to deal with these problems.

Are you angry about this because S is on YouTube, or because he is doing it with OW?
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 12/28/20 08:58 PM
Im irritated because he has not asked me whether im ok with S being on youtube. They can take as many videos as they like, and im sure they do anyway and pictures too.

You see he didnt want me posting pictures of my kids on facebook ironically! I mean do i let this slide and just monitor the videos in Terms of appropriateness or do i say something because next time it could be a pierced ear or something!?
Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Taking next steps - 12/28/20 09:15 PM
What do you think will be the outcome if you say something? Do you think that would stop more youtube videos going up, or as you say, a pierced ear next time?

What if your S really enjoys making these videos and posting them? If it is harmless, then shouldn't you just be happy that your S is finding a creative outlet that he enjoys?

Really look deep down within yourself and ask if even a little bit of the irritation comes from the OW part of this.

I dropped my S off about an hour early to my STBXW's house on Xmas morning, to have her answer the door barely dressed and then found OM's motorbike parked in the driveway. I was so angry that she took him inside without mentioning that he was there. Yes, I don't want my S near OM on any day let alone Xmas morning, but if I'm totally honest with myself, I'm also upset that she had OM there on xmas eve and xmas morning, and what that says about their relationship.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 12/28/20 09:25 PM
Both S spend two night per week at H, he lives with ow, so she is very much part of whatever it is they are doing. Im used to that part honestly. It wont last, and have no interest in getting to know her, so i pretty much ignore her existence, she isnt part of my life.

Obv co parenting is new to both of us,,but i would have though that things like that would he discussed. There are plenty of things that kids love doing. Like spending all day playing minecraft or eating a load of sweets. Arent we as parents there to guide them?

So if S said to me i want a youtube channel, i would have said let me speak to dad. And it would have been a simply txt like hey S7 wants a YouTube channel, how do you feel about that?!

Problem with these onesided decisions that it put us i to a position of competition, good guy/bad guy. Rather than as parents we have decided that its a no or a yes.

H and I arent together, although married with no legal stuff sorted, however we will always remain their parents.

Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Taking next steps - 12/28/20 09:54 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Obv co parenting is new to both of us,,but i would have though that things like that would he discussed. There are plenty of things that kids love doing. Like spending all day playing minecraft or eating a load of sweets. Arent we as parents there to guide them?


Absolutely, so it sounds as though if your H had just run it past you, this wouldn't be an issue. Maybe you could just address it like "hey no big deal, but things like the youtube channel can you just run past me first in future". I'm no co-parent expert either but this is probably how I'd address something that has irritated me.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 12/28/20 09:58 PM
Funny thing is, i would have said yes, once i have spoken to S7 about it, just so he understands how it all works.
So you are right its the principle of co parenting and the fact that this pitches us against each other that irritates me. I can hardly say no now! I would so be the bad guy and H is likely to play on that.

Thank you, thats a good one actually, ill sleep on it and give it a bit more time and then either txt or mention in person to him.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 12/29/20 05:59 PM
Gigi, sorry you're struggling with this. I'm sure there is a part of this where you're saying "I didn't ask for any of this!" It is definitely but what you signed up for. I'm like OB, and not a coparenting expert, but I do like his approach. Make it no biggie, but that you would have liked to have been in the loop. Just remember that it might but go the way you want it to, and you need to be okay with that.

Gigi, hang in there. Things will get better.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 01/01/21 10:00 PM
Happy New Year!

I decided not to say anything, small battle, wasnt worth it. S7 was very excited that i watched his videos and thats all that mattered in the end. We have some big financial convos to have this year, thats the battles i want to be winning not yout tube ones.

We had a fantastic xmas and a new years party with the kids, they barely saw H and we spent most of the time at home together.

H seems to still be in his crisis, its mainly around showing everyone how good things are and making promises that he cant keep. We are in UK so schools will only be open for key workers, we qualify, so kids going in. Which he had issue with, i said it will be small groups and its as safe as it can be, otherwise its remote schooling which only works if one of is doesnt work and can deal with kids. So H suggested that he does it, i nearly laughed. H is in a high powered position and with everything going on is extremely busy, which essentially means he wont have time for kids and they will end up watching tv all day. He seems to be so desperate to have the kids live with him that he will come
Up with anything at all. I really dont see how the man who left his family and literally abandoned and avoided his kids to start with is now wanting something from me.
Kids are with H until sunday morning, so some very limited GAL, as everythig is literally shut!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 01/08/21 09:30 PM
Just journalling

I havent updated my facebook in years, i dont really use it, but i use messenger to communicate with my family and others friends. Because H and I have some common friends, he randomly came up as a suggested contact, so i clicked on his profile. He has changed his relationship status to in a relationship....

That bothered me for a second or so, but what bothered me more is the fact that im still affected by it. It will be 10 months in a couple of weeks. And no of course im not crying over it, not upset, but even the fact that it got my heart beating faster for a couple of seconds irritates me greatly! I cant wait for the day that anything to do with him has no affect on me whatsoever. And i dont mean, faking it, which im fabulous at btw! But actually totally not being bothered for real!

Any real timescales gratefully received!
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 01/09/21 01:23 AM
Nothing wrong with this affecting you. You're human. It would only be a problem if you reacted and reached out to him or something.

It will get easier Gigi. Hang in there.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Taking next steps - 01/09/21 01:42 AM
Hi Gigi,

just getting caught up on your sitch. I think you are doing remarkably well considering a 10 month time frame and all you have been through.

I realized after getting some news yesterday about my STBXH that I still have a ways to go toward fully detaching. It's a process.

*It bothered me for longer than a second or so (wink).

Stay strong! You are amazing!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 01/09/21 08:51 AM
Thank you both, i feel absolutely fine today, its not news, they have been in a relationship for nearly 10 months....and as she is only 23, i can imagine fb status is rather important to her smile

I was reading some of the threads and i was reminded again that its actions that matter and not words. Whilst we dont know see each other often, probably once a week when he drops the boys off, he does still make a lot of empty promises and the funny thing he initiates the conversations over txt!
And i do still get disappointed when he doesnt do what he says he will do, like pay his car fines (car is in my name, so i get the fines). But his action was to update his fb status! So i know where he is at! And i also know that i do not want a man who does not keep his word, words generally mean very little to me. Upwards and onwards
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 01/09/21 04:45 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Thank you both, i feel absolutely fine today, its not news, they have been in a relationship for nearly 10 months....and as she is only 23, i can imagine fb status is rather important to her smile

I was reading some of the threads and i was reminded again that its actions that matter and not words. Whilst we dont know see each other often, probably once a week when he drops the boys off, he does still make a lot of empty promises and the funny thing he initiates the conversations over txt!
And i do still get disappointed when he doesnt do what he says he will do, like pay his car fines (car is in my name, so i get the fines). But his action was to update his fb status! So i know where he is at! And i also know that i do not want a man who does not keep his word, words generally mean very little to me. Upwards and onwards



Gigi, great post. You're on this!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 01/11/21 09:49 PM
Want to journal so i remember how this all makes me feel and how quickly i recover now from all these mild irritations.

So when h left and still lived with us he literally just left me to deal with kids. Fast forward to november, so 9 months later he finally sorted himself a place to live. We had agreed 2 nights with kids for him. Worked well for me, breaks up my weeks, gives me chance to gal and rest. Now he wants a different schedule, 3 night/4 night and then swap. I see no reason to agree to that, so i proposed an after school evening so he can see the kids 3 times per week. He then said he wants three nights. I would have agreed that perhaps every other week, however he started saying stuff like kids keep telling him that they want to live with him, continually that they dont want to go back to me etc. So s5 does want to stay at H and play xbox! S7 does want to see dad more often. S7 and i have very honest discussions, he is very profound and grown up and he has never said to H that he wants to live there! I really dislike manipulations like that and just blatant lies. We do not have any formal agreements, we have nothing written out re finance or any sort of separation agreement, so we very much rely on sgreeing things amicably. This has been the first open conflict we have had in nearly 10 months.
It took me a good hour to rebalance myself. But i will sleep tonight! Even a couple of months ago this would have rattled me so much!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 01/13/21 02:53 PM
So after our convo on monday where i did not agree for extra night for H to have the kids, he went to the solicitors, who have advised him to speak to me again! But he decided that its pointless! So wants to proceed to mediation. I spoke to him today on the phone and he said he will take it all the way even if it makes him bankrupt! I dont know who is whispering in his ear, whether its his family or ow, but thats quiet a change in tactic for him. I obv got some legal advice too, and likewise try and agree without mediation and definitely avoid court. Court order means every time we want to make a change we have to go to court! I do not want to live my life like this and consult with a third party on my children!

H is having the kids tonight, so feeling really upset. But probably a good thing they arent here to see me upset.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 01/13/21 03:00 PM
Gigi, sorry to hear this. This is why I try to get LBSs to hire a lawyer. Even if you want to agree without mediation, or without going to court first. But the problem is that these things have a way of deteriorating. And agreeing to concessions that you should not just avoid legal fees is probably not the right approach. Others have been through it (I've only known family and friends that have), so they can chime in, but unless your WAS is extremely amicable, even those that originally expressed a desire to work together sometimes start getting more and more difficult. Sometimes is as simple as something like not getting an extra night with the kids. Sometimes it is about money and assets. I always tell LBSs that D is a legal process and as such you need an expert on those legalities.

Sorry you are struggling. The emotional roller-coaster is real. But you will get through.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 01/13/21 03:09 PM
Honestly We havent had any conflict so far, everything has been agreed amicably on all fronts. It was suggested that offer him an alternative. But im genuinely thinking that maybe mediation wouldnt be a bad thing, to get everything on the table. I do not want a war, unlike him i know this is not in the best interest of my children.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 02/25/21 02:18 PM
Hi all

Not much to update. We seem to have hit a good spell of coparenting, easy flow of info, fairly friendly, easy to negotiate days, as we both work trying ti be as flexible as we can with each other.
Its been 11 months since bd. Life is good, although we have so many unresolved issues, i.e finances etc im just enjoying life! Somehow found balance in the midst of this havoc.

h still with ow, but honestly i have no idea what type of relationship they have, i have no interest, all i care about is that she is nice to my kids. And it sounds like she is ok.
Posted By: may22 Re: Taking next steps - 02/25/21 10:06 PM
That is great, Gigi! So glad to hear it. Sending good thoughts for the balance to continue.

One thing that has been helpful for me is to take the time when things are going well to explicitly identify the elements that are helping to make things positive. What are the actions you're taking or mindset you're cultivating that is helping you with the balance and detachment? Sometimes it can help to have clearly identified those elements so that when things get rough down the line, like when you start addressing some of the unresolved issues, you can pull on the things that helped you previously and more quickly regain your internal balance.

Thanks for the update!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 02/27/21 05:59 PM
Thank you May, i have been thinking a lot about that actually. And i realised that all im being is honest with myself and him, im not trying to manipulate in anyway, im forthcoming with info re kids.
As an example, he was meant to have them Thursday and Friday, well on Thursday i work a short day and the weather was fantastic, so i suggested i collect the kids from school, so we can go on a scooter ride and instead he would have them fri night and all day Saturday. Literally was as upfront as that and he was in absolute agreement! And this is the route i choose to take with him. And rhe amazing thing, it feels so good to have that honesty.

I mean he does irritate me occasionally, but lets be honest he is t the only person who does, all i do, is take a couple of hours before i respond, so im not reacting with emotion, rather being sensible and honest.

Dont know what will happen going forward, but will obv keep you all posted.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Taking next steps - 02/27/21 06:40 PM
Hi Gigi,

Glad the custody and co-parenting is working out! Long ago, when my kids were in an "aftercare", I'd sometimes pick them up on my ex's days if I was free early to enjoy the afternoon together--of course, being respectful of whose day it was. It's great that you are in a place that you can make impromptu changes when it serves the kids. What are you doing to get out and GAL during these crazy COVID times?
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 02/27/21 09:23 PM
I hope this continues, h dropped the kids off today and mentioned that S7 wanted us to have a family meeting and discuss a better pattern for them to stay with dad.

We dont really have a set pattern and it works really well for me and H from what i understand. It gives us flexibility and less anxiety around coordinating work and childcare. We both work within the same field and due to covid things are really busy, i could work 7 days a week at the moment if i wanted to. On occasion things have come up on his days and he asked me to collect kids from school and he then collected from my house. We will see what happens there.

GAL is so limited, everything is shut, its very much limited to walk,drive, exercise, movie,book. The rest of the time is filled with the boys and work.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 03/16/21 05:38 PM
It will be a year on saturday! Time flies! We have started having s convo re house sale and moving forward still no mention if actual D. All of it is theoretical at this stage, but he is keen to get this sorted asap. I changed my focus to just making sure that we and the boys are financially secure and thats it. If that means staying in the house great, if it means selling so be it. Im not holding onto the house because of the past or because it would be easier fir him to return to marital home.
I cant say i see many changes in him, but then i dont see him very often, maybe once a week, although we communicate re kids over txt pretty much daily! Except the weekend maybe.

We have a new schedule that works, 2 night with him and the third night its just one of the kids, it was particulatly important for s7 so thats what we did. H seems to be generally more reasonable and maybe its the start of the changed for him.
The other night when s7 stayed with h, he told him he ruined his life, apparently they both sobbed and H apologised to S7. Boys are growing up and figuring stuff out slowly too, but still very desperate to have us back as a family.
Thats were we are, but ill keep you posted over the coming weeks.
Posted By: Michka Re: Taking next steps - 03/17/21 12:25 AM
How are your boys coping? I am in the beginning of all this and trying my hardest to shield them. But his constant absence and frequent outbursts while he is with them is having real impacts.

I have been doing 180 but stuffed up on the weekend when he was simply too much for me.

Really confused as to my nest step
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 03/17/21 01:15 PM
Gigi, my one year past BD had me in a very weird place. I started wondering if I had done the right thing trying to and eventually Ring with my WW. I almost became the WAS. I wonder if it had something do with reliving the pain from the year prior. It was weird, and I think we all react differently to the passage of time related to our sitches. But you seem to be in a pretty healthy place mentally and emotionally so keep up the good work!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 03/17/21 02:42 PM
Im so sorry Michka. Me and H dont live togethers, he lives with AP.

There is only so much you can do in terms of shielding them. My stance with all of this has always been, be honest and allow them to talk, ask questions and let their emotions out. I cant tell you how difficult this year has been emotionally.
Its heartbreaking holding your sobbing children every night and listening to them say that their lives have been ruined.

When you read here-be their rock, thats exactly what you need to be, many time i sobbed with them.sometimes after they went to bed. My relationship with the boys is stronger than ever, i have certainly been the rock for them.

There is a reason why everyone says put the focus on you and the kids. If you dont look after yourself the kids will suffer more.

I remember being hung up on 180 and doing it so that H notices. Believe me after a while you wont care whether he notices, you will fond a new groove in life, he wont be part of it. Any changes you make will be for you and the kids.
He will eventually either want to be part of it or not. But its a long journey, this could take years. Its only now that we are coming up to a year our coparenting relationship has got so much better. Noone knows what will happen later, but the universe has a plan, so hang in there and look after yourself.
Posted By: job Re: Taking next steps - 03/17/21 02:51 PM
Michka,

Please start a thread of your own so that we can assist/support you.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 03/17/21 04:12 PM
Did you recon with your wife? I know what you mean though, as time passes and go through certain turmoil.
Im not fully detached yet, i still hold in to certain things, but i have recognition of that and just take my time to work through my motivations and then let go. Once you just accept the situation you are in, its so much easier to detach though. I dont know what lies ahead to be fair for me and H, but whatever it is, all the wile AP is on the scene im really not interested. I like myself too much
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 03/17/21 09:57 PM
I have a quick question and i wonder if anyone has any experience.

So H and i talk logistics over txt, convo is very open, freeflowing, recently we even exchanged pictures of kids whilst we were both out and about. I had s5 and he was with s7.
So we even occasionally talk on the phones and its so very amicable with an odd joke.
When it comes to face to face interaction, h doesnt look at me! Like literally most of the time its no eye contact, its like im invisible smile. I know its not strictly db, but i have forgiven him and all i have is a lot of kindness in my heart and my kids are my priority. Well i have personally experienced being in a room with my parents when they were clearly not getting along, and itís uncomfortable. I dont want my kids to feel that, but i seem to be hitting a brick wall with this. Im absolutely fine being with him in the same space, in fact i would offer him a cup of tea if we had something to discuss, i just dont get it. He left, he put all of is through emotional turmoil, you know he must be happy with his AP, year on they are still together. I jusy dont get why he cant act normal around me
Posted By: Traveler Re: Taking next steps - 03/18/21 03:29 AM
Hi Gigi,

Originally Posted by Gigi
I have a quick question and i wonder if anyone has any experience.

So we even occasionally talk on the phones and its so very amicable with an odd joke. When it comes to face to face interaction, h doesnt look at me! Like literally most of the time its no eye contact, its like im invisible smile I know its not strictly db, but i have forgiven him and all i have is a lot of kindness in my heart and my kids are my priority.

So, you've forgiven him to release all those negative feelies from your heart, but he has not forgiven himself, and it's making your in-person meetings awkward for the kids. Sorry, no experience! Ironic--so many people complain their WWS or WAS acts like nothing happened, and that's exactly what you want. wink
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 03/18/21 06:54 AM
Exactly that! Paradox! This probably irritates me more than anything else, if i say something it will be bringing uo the past and will be confrontational and i dont want to do that, but what do i do i havent got a clue. Just continue being kind in hope that it will turn him towards being able to be around me comfortably?
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 03/26/21 09:47 PM
Its been just slightly over 12 months and this week has been really odd. Its been crazy at work, kids unwell, incident at school with S5. So H and I saw each other pretty much everyday this week, spoke extensively, he rung me to check on the kids and have a chat. He only ever rings me when he isnt with OW. This morning we have dropped the boys off at school (s5) stayed with me and s7 was with him, they were running late as i was walking back to the car and H suggested that we both take S7 into school so i walked with them. So things are definitely improving in terms of our communication and him being able to be around me and being ok being in the same space with the boys.
There is however this parallel relationship that we have that covers house finance etc, so all unresolved issues.

And im finding this a little tricky to manage and trying to meep any negative feelings out of our co parenting relationship.
This week has been so tense at work that i literally burst out crying in front of him when he asked me if i was ok.
Posted By: wooba Re: Taking next steps - 03/28/21 03:18 PM
My ExH doesn't really look me in the eye when we talk (for a brief few secs when we exchange kids) either. It's like when a little kid is telling a lie and they can't look you straight in the eye.

I'm sorry that you're feeling stressed out at work. Hope it gets better for you soon!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 03/28/21 09:47 PM
How long has it been for you with your ex? I mean is there a point in life where they become normal? I sort of feel 12 months is a long enough time, but maybe men and women process things differently, and well he is the WAS, not me.

Thanks Wooba, things should settle as we go into the summer and lockdown is eased. Or things could get worse once we leave lockdown behind.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 04/02/21 09:22 AM
Really confused with H behaviour. He wanted to test the market, so i said if you want to see if we can get the fight amount for the house you can do it, but you will have to deal with all the viewings etc. I have made it clear that until me and the boys can find something suitable for us longterm and we sort all of our finances we wont be going anywhere.
So we agreed on an evening yesterday to have a face to face convo about it all. And guess what.....radio silence from him all day and obv he didnt show. All i got was a txt on how are the boys.
Im really confused by this behaviour, honestly i made sure im calm and collected all day prior to the convo, was a little anxious, and he just didnt show!?!
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 04/02/21 11:51 AM
Gigi, i feel for you. This is so typical of WSs. They just don't care about the feelings of the WAS. Most selfish creatures on the planet.

Is just let it lie for now. He will probably feign forgetfulness.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 04/02/21 12:54 PM
Honestly Steve, its been a year, life goes on, he lives with another woman, get over it. Im just living my life and tackling the problems as they arise, im not driving anything but likewise not obstructive in any way. These convos need to be had and they need to happen face to face, which will be good fun, as he cant look me in the eye. Im just so frustrated about it. Its a little like he got what he wanted, as in the house is going in the market, but it totally pointless as he cant sell it without my say so, alternatively ue can take me to court, and i will ask for a stop order on the house sale anyway until the kids are older. But he doesnt even have the money to take me to court anyway!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 04/21/21 11:47 AM
Hi everyone

13 months on and well there is literally nothing to report. Convo re house sale started and we are at the stage of lets test the market and see if we can even sell it. I agreed to that. Otherwise life very much continues, i have tried dating, erm its too early, it doesnt work, im totally closed off from the make population in the sense that i dont want to let anyone into my and childrens lives. Every now and again i get a spike of emotions about the whole ordeal, but overall, i feel good, i look good, work is going well and i have just been promoted, just waiting for all papers to be drawn up and signed.

There are days when i want to set deadlines so i can start having the convo re divorce with H, but mostly i just feel like i have found balance in the circumstances of life and im good. Lets deal with one problem at a time.

Kids miss H and still want him to come back and actively tell him and me that they want us to be a family. We still have tears and upset at bedtime
Posted By: Traveler Re: Taking next steps - 04/21/21 04:22 PM
Hi Gigi,

There is nothing wrong with not being ready to date yet. There will be men 6mo from now. This great one will be newly off the market. That great one will be newly on the market. It sounds like your children have a lot they are still working through and, commendably, they are your priority just now.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 04/21/21 06:52 PM
Kids will always be my priority. And i need to make sure they are ok before i ever introduce anyone into their lives.
From what kids say OW is sort of present but doesnt interact much. That doesnt scream family to me and that it not a set up i would ever want when i have a relationship. I want the man in my life to be a friend to my children, someone they grow to respect and maybe even love. Not just someone who is just present in the same house. So yes you are right, id rather wait.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 04/21/21 08:10 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Kids will always be my priority. And i need to make sure they are ok before i ever introduce anyone into their lives.
From what kids say OW is sort of present but doesnt interact much. That doesnt scream family to me and that it not a set up i would ever want when i have a relationship. I want the man in my life to be a friend to my children, someone they grow to respect and maybe even love. Not just someone who is just present in the same house. So yes you are right, id rather wait.


I would try to make the OW NOT a topic of conversation with the kids.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 04/22/21 09:19 AM
I never instigate these conversations, but occasionally they will mention her, i never shut them down, i personally feel like we should he able to talk about anything even if its uncomfortable for me.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 04/22/21 11:57 AM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
I never instigate these conversations, but occasionally they will mention her, i never shut them down, i personally feel like we should he able to talk about anything even if its uncomfortable for me.


Ok.

Most LBSs want to know way too much about the OP. It is like chasing a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It gets you no where, usually sets you back and keeps you more attached than detached. The OP is a symptom, not a cause. Most LBSs get that backwards thinking it was the OP that caused the PA. Not saying you do but that is usually why LBSs fixate to much on the OP.

I was not suggesting shutting your kids down. But a gentle topic changes at your earliest convenience would be in your best interest when the topic is brought up.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 04/22/21 12:23 PM
Absolutely agree, to be fair i have no way of knowing anything about her anyway, these are just subtle remarks from s7 like i have asked ow but she ignored my question, or she doesnt really say much at all etc. Never full blown convos, my kids are 5 and 7, so they move on from anything fairly quickly.

Ill be honest i wanted to know more at an early stage, but now, i come face to face with her probably weekly when i drop the kids off at Hs and i just take no notice of her, have a convo with h and kids and leave. She just stays out of my way, there is nothing she can do about me coming into their house, as H doesnt stop me either and as far as im concerned h and I are working towards a common goal, which is the comfort and stability of our children.

And from what H used to tell me about her (she is his administrator) well there isnt that much to know....
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 05/20/21 10:28 AM
Hi everyone

14 months on here, life is good. In working a lot and spending a lot of time with the kids. We are still at 2 nights with dad for both kids and third night just the one of them, so they are able to get 121 time with both of us. It works for me, i would obviously like to have the kids at home everyday and miss them dreadfully when they arent here, but tend to spend that time to get everything done, so when they are back home i could give them my time.
I cant say there are many changes. Its been over a month since we had the estate agents round to put the house on the market, i signed papers but house still not on the market, as he hasnt signed his.
H is taking the boys to see his mum for 4 days, it will be the first time i have to part with the kids for that long, so feeling a little sad about that.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 05/20/21 10:57 AM
Gigi, good update. Always amazes me how does WAS/WSs are with moving things along. So many seem to be in a hurry until it actually comes to following through on their part.

Onward and upward!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 05/20/21 12:45 PM
Yes your right, i can name so many occasions where he pushed for something to happen, but when it came to it either nothing happened or he dragged his feet.
First and last tome he mentioned divorce was last august! I said ok if thats what you need to do, do it. And not a word since. He is still living with OW, she will be going with them to the MIL, which is a little odd for me, as it means S5 will share a bed with H and her, as theres simply not enough space for all of them. But this is so out of my control, that i try not to think about it. On a positive note our communication in regards to the kids is really good, we have moved from txt to phone calls now, which seem to be much more effective in terms of logistical matters and just discussing general wellbeing of kids. We even attended a school meeting together in regards to S5. I dont know what life will bring going forward of course, at the moment im hoping that we are able to travel in August to see my family, as i havent seen them since last August!!
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 05/20/21 12:48 PM
Gigi, the only thing I don't like about going from texts to phone calls is no written trail of what is said and agreed to. Just be cognizant of that.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 05/20/21 02:33 PM
I know what you mean Steve, if its something important, i confirm by txt after the call. We havent really discussed anything important for a while. The phone calls are more about, just to let you know i paid for the boys club or S7 woke up today with a sore throat, please read the book with him tonight. For some reason i get a better response by phone, although it was H who started calling me and not txt. I will often txt and he will return by phone call.
Anything important i prefer to discuss face to face anyway.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 05/28/21 10:36 AM
Ive had the luxury of having kids 90% of the time over the last year. This morning H collected them and i wont see them until Tuesday. It was bittersweet for them too, they want to go and see grandma, but want me to come too.
I must say i havent felt so overwhelmed for a while. Its funny how things happen all at the same time. Thenhouse went on the market yesterday, viewings today, i felt a little irritated as usual i have to deal with all of this whilst he is with the kids and ow. Maybe its best if all of this happens whilst the boys are away anyway and im hoping that we can have a conversation with him around future plans, the convo he has been avoiding for months. I have even set two dates and he just didnt show! On a positive note, i got a new job and managed to negotiate some more money, so i dont start at the bottom of the scale, which is great. Im feeling some frustrations, as things really arent moving in any direction at the moment and 14 months on i feel like they need to. Hoping now that the house is on the market we can start moving towards something, be it that it might be D.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 05/28/21 11:12 AM
Gigi, sorry for the stress and anxiety. This too shall pass. Take some time to pamper yourself this weekend.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 06/06/21 07:26 AM
Boys came back Tuesday and we had a fantastic half term, they have been at home since. We had an offer on the house, but H is ignoring me, i said we need to discuss the house and that im free this evening, however i got silence. The estate agent will be chasing me tomorrow. Oh well ill just have to direct them to H. I mean i dont even want to sell the house anyway, so we need to have a conversation either way, as there is simply nothing on the market that im able to afford at the moment.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 06/07/21 12:29 PM
Gigi, stay strong!
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 06/07/21 05:28 PM
Thank you, i certainly will need to, we are about to enter a period of some stormy conversations. He seems to now he on a war path, which is ridiculous, as not once have i do e anything to him, i just cracked on with my life.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 06/07/21 06:07 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Thank you, i certainly will need to, we are about to enter a period of some stormy conversations. He seems to now he on a war path, which is ridiculous, as not once have i do e anything to him, i just cracked on with my life.


Remember....his emotions are HIS emotions. You do not have ownership in them. Likewise, you shouldn't let his emotions dictate your emotions (detachment).

It is funny how WSs get angry when they get exactly what they said they wanted! We've seen it time and time again.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 06/07/21 06:25 PM
I know Steve, you are so right, he just made me feel so unpleasant today, i actually kept it very cool and business like, but just felt like i was falling apart later on. And the boys are at his too tonight, which probably isnt a bad thing in all honesty. Im just feeling really sorry for myself i guess.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 06/25/21 03:06 PM
I think i just need to vent, we are going round in circles, the aim was always to resolve everything amicably. So at this stage no solicitors involved, but we cannot agree on anything. H wants an easy out, as in split everything 50/50 forget about pensions and move on. He has not filed for D, i have called him out on that a couple of weeks ago, he said he hasnt got round to it yet (in 15 months!) he simply want to sell the house, split it 50/50 and be done, but he refuses to have any conversations with me about this. So yes of course, this is dragging on because unless we sot down and talk (he only wants phone conversations) we will not agree on anything. He expects me to just move out and sort out my own arrangementÖ.he had a bit of a moan at me this morning because i apparently say too much to the children.
I have made it very clear that he has nothing to do with my conversations with the children, but i find it so frustrating that he still tries to control things in my life.
I have got legal advice and i know exactly what needs to happen and what my right are in terms of staying in the house and so on.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Taking next steps - 06/25/21 03:10 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
I think i just need to vent, we are going round in circles, the aim was always to resolve everything amicably. So at this stage no solicitors involved, but we cannot agree on anything. H wants an easy out, as in split everything 50/50 forget about pensions and move on. He has not filed for D, i have called him out on that a couple of weeks ago, he said he hasnt got round to it yet (in 15 months!) he simply want to sell the house, split it 50/50 and be done, but he refuses to have any conversations with me about this. So yes of course, this is dragging on because unless we sot down and talk (he only wants phone conversations) we will not agree on anything. He expects me to just move out and sort out my own arrangementÖ.he had a bit of a moan at me this morning because i apparently say too much to the children.
I have made it very clear that he has nothing to do with my conversations with the children, but i find it so frustrating that he still tries to control things in my life.
I have got legal advice and i know exactly what needs to happen and what my right are in terms of staying in the house and so on.


If you were going to have surgery, wouldn't you want a trained surgeon involved? D is surgically separating two lives. You need someone that is professionally trained to help with that. I would hire a solicitor ASAP. Who cares what he wants? He is firing you as his wife, you have to make sure you are protected. I assume you haven't hired a solicitor because you do not want to upset him? You cannot nice him back.

D is a legal process, you need a legal expert to help.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Taking next steps - 06/25/21 03:14 PM
Getting that legal advice and knowing how things should go is huge for you. He is being erratic, and that is somewhat expected.

Just keep focusing on your life. If he wants a divorce, he can get a divorce. But you are right to point out the absurdity of not being able to for 15 months. That is a bit crazy.

I wonder about "sitting down to have a conversation" with him though. Is this going to work for you two after he finally comes back to Earth a little more?

I don't know how it works where you are, but I doubt moving out is a good idea at this point given you have children at home.

What are you doing for fun and GAL? Self-improvement and growth?
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 06/25/21 03:46 PM
In not worried about upsetting him at all, he doesnt like me very much anyway smile nothing i can do about that, he said to me he will never forgive me for not paying attention to our marriage for the last year. This is his choice, ive quite happily forgiven him for all the stuff he has done and just want peace.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 06/25/21 03:59 PM
I have no plans to move out until we resolve all of this, im on the house deeds so i own the house as much as he does.
The thing is we discuss everything amicably, as in kids, logistics etc. But once ot came to this, he is like i see no reason for us to discuss this, we just need to sell and what you do with your cut is none of my businessÖ.

He can only force me to sell the house through court, and that takes about 12 months if the court indeed decided that the house is to be sold.

Im working a lot at the moment, where i can i always do overtime, otherwise, meet friends, spend time with kids, exercise and occasionally look at properties.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Taking next steps - 06/25/21 04:15 PM
I have read someones thread and its been 3 years! Whilst i absolutely do not want to rush things, as it allows me time to set myself up financially better, but i also do not want to be in this position in 3 years time. In fact im actively looking for jobs in another country and H is aware of this also and has said he will not stop me from leaving.
Posted By: job Re: Taking next steps - 06/25/21 10:41 PM
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Still not divorced
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