Previous threadShort recap:
Me: 34
STBXW: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019 (I start wondering about OM)
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
I filed for D: 29th March 2020
Now.
-I am living in the house 100%. She is living 50% with OM.
-We have a meeting to finalize the financial aspects of D on the 29th of September
-She is "less" Wayward and acting cordially towards me. Good for co-parenting.
Most recent post from AnotherStander:
You're recovering. Right after BD you excuse all the bad treatment and blame yourself for it. Then you come to realize that her bad treatment of you is a reflection of her character flaws, not yours. But the feelings are still there (I think this is where you are now). Then eventually the feelings fade and you're left with an honest, unflinching appraisal of who she has become, and most likely it won't be someone you're interested in. So don't beat yourself up too much trying to sort it all out, it will come with time. It took about 2 years post BD for me.
Thanks AS this chimes very well and its great to be reminded about the time aspects of this. Im not even a year post BD.
Also LH, great perspective! No one know what the future holds!
As summary said I have booked a meeting to finalize the financials of D.
REALLY hoping she agrees to what we have said so far.
I have some plans for the house but waiting till its final.
After, I could legally ask W to move out immediately but I wont. Not sure how long I should give her.
Journal:
Last few days have been good. I have actually thought quite a lot about W and our R but mostly contemplating and it hasnt really brought my mood down.
Today my parents are coming to spend time with me and the kids this weekend. Should be great!
Will also play golf with some colleagues tomorrow which I am really looking forward to!
Having a hard time getting real commitment at work. Corona and being fairly good at my job isnt a good mix.
W bought a new pair of shoes that cost almost a third of her monthly income after tax... Shoes!
I dont mention these things to her at all. But if she starts to back down on the house valuation we agreed on I sure will.
This morning I told the kids that they will meet a new babysitter and W heard.
First W seemed angry and commented something like "Why not tell me. I would like to know whos spending time with my kids". I explain its a very safe person and told her how I know. Later she sort of asked if she can use that babysitter too and I just said that is up to her (the babysitter).
REALLY hoping D will be complete by the end of this thread.
Early November one of us must send in a confirmation of the D and I intend to do it ASAP.
Wondering if I should have a "last talk" with W but that might as well be after the D.
Right now I am absolutely leaning towards no talk.
Will update my FB relationship status to single but I am no longer that eager to get on dating apps.
Time will tell. Like you said LH No one knows the future.
What would this last talk be about?
Thank you for commenting LH! Are you updating your thread/sitch as mentioned?
I am not sure really. As mentioned I have thought more about just doing it and moving on.
In one part probably about us as a couple and whether this is what she really wants/wanted. I have never really asked that.
Things that could also be brought up but probably shouldnt:
- mention what I see as my faults in our R
- how much she hurt me
- co-parenting stuff
- my view on new partners in relation to kids
- etc
Thinking about this it makes me more confident that no talk is better, but I contemplate for the next few weeks.
For how long she will stay here is probably something I should focus on more.
What am I ok with? How do I draw the line?
To my knowledge she STILL hasn't talked to her bank and hence probably hasnt actively looked at buying anything.
Rentals are basically out of the question where we live, unless you are extremely lucky.
M,
I would speak of nothing other then coparenting. You used the number one power move in the book and she didn’t flinch. In poker terms you went all in and got instantly. You can’t pull your chips back out.
You guys will be intertwined for many years. Time to lay down your gun and walk away. She was having an affair on your wedding day M and that speaks volumes of the person she is right now.
Keep moving forward!
Thanks LH! I know youre a proponent of the last talk so I really appreciate your perspective.
She doesnt deserve any of my time!
Forward it is and I am lookiong forward to it!
Things that could also be brought up but probably shouldnt:
- mention what I see as my faults in our R
- how much she hurt me
- my view on new partners in relation to kids
- etc
You are dealing with a WW.. whatever she says one day will change days later to suit her own selfish agenda.. IMO, save yourself the hassle and spend the time / energy else where. Obviosuly you need to discuss the children, but its not something i would do in person - get it in writing with an email - that way, you have a paper trail, for when she changes her mind.
For how long she will stay here is probably something I should focus on more.
What am I ok with? How do I draw the line?
To my knowledge she STILL hasn't talked to her bank and hence probably hasnt actively looked at buying anything.
Rentals are basically out of the question where we live, unless you are extremely lucky.
IMO she is still living in her cake eating world - She is so wrapped up in her selfish ways, ( ie lets blow money on shoes ) that these things dont cross her mind - because she probably expects you to be there to bail her out, even after the D... ie she gets her payout, then will slowly drag her heals in living with you / OM as when when it suits.. She will probably throw in, you cant kick me out because of the kids etc - ie you become the bad guy.. - Especially if she starts bringing the kids into the mix - ie Daddy kicked mummy out..
My take would be to be solid for the children, but not be pushed over by her.. Once the D and house paper work is rolling, get the solicitor to make it clear she should leave the property with X days of receiving her money.
You see this is how things can get misconstrued around here. I suggested it to core because his W seemed to no longer be in an affair and had at least mentioned reconciliation. No last talks when someone is in an active affair.
Why would you want her living with you post divorce? I agree with MrBrside. Get a move out date written into the agreement. You need to move forward and that is difficult to do with your XW still in the home. Trust me Mumin...there is life after divorce, especially at your young age, and it can be a great one!!! (((HUGS)))
Will update my FB relationship status to single but I am no longer that eager to get on dating apps.
What is the purpose of the relationship status change? You aren't single yet, legally. This feels like a passive-aggressive move. Like when a LBS removes their wedding band in order to "wake-up" their WAS.
EDIT: Or did you mean you will do this post-D?
Good update Mumin. Hope you're doing well.
Thank you LH, MrB, Ovr, Deja & Steve! I AM doing well!
Getting responses here and perspective on what I am going through is always so very helpful.
Both in deciding what to do and boosting my confidence.
To clarify I dont WANT her to live with me. I want to move on asap.
I simply know she is taking pretty much zero responsibility for her actions and the alternative is me taking the kids 100% which will be hard with work (though I will suggest this if it comes to it), or kids living with OM.
W has said OM doesnt want that and frankly I dont want that either.
Also OM lives on the other side of town.
Realistically if she is buys an apt some time next month she wont be able to move in till next year.
Usually there is a 2-3 month transfer period where I live.
So I will suggest she moves out in November and then I guess its a negotiation...
Then I will bring this up with the L when we have the meeting.
If she stays at the house she will obviously have to pay some sort of rent.
You see this is how things can get misconstrued around here. I suggested it to core because his W seemed to no longer be in an affair and had at least mentioned reconciliation. No last talks when someone is in an active affair.
This is why I brought it up. To make sure I got the boards view.
What is the purpose of the relationship status change? You aren't single yet, legally. This feels like a passive-aggressive move. Like when a LBS removes their wedding band in order to "wake-up" their WAS.
EDIT: Or did you mean you will do this post-D?
Yes I inted to do it after we arnt legally married.
If she is still living at the house (hope not) I might reconsider. I might.
I never really understood why anyone needs to broadcast their R status known social media. There is an option to not even have one. The one I have opted for . It’s really no ones business
You have a point Ginger. Its what W changed her status to like almost a year ago.
We'll see. I will consider how it looks for people that arnt "in the know" by now.
Spoke to W. She wasn't happy.
Said I sent in some numbers to the L and that we should talk about when she is moving out.
Her plan was to start looking at Apts after we finalized the financial D.
I explained she can start looking now and if she wants to.
Again, in reality this might mean she needs to stay here till next year..
Unless I kick her to the curb or whatever.
Then she got angry that I am talking about furniture because apparently I have never cared...
Moving on. At least the discussion is started.
If we actually set a date, do you think I should suggest I take the kids 100% if she hasn't found a place?
It might be a way of getting her to agree.
Look fear in the eye and don't blink. My W told me a couple years ago about selling the house and was going on and on and I had enough of her making me scared. I told her to call any realtor she wanted to and get the value and list the home. Then she questioned another thing about the home and I answered quickly and unemotionally. Then she started an R talk b/c how could this be so easy for me?
So it's normal, don't let it get to you.
Got a cancelled meeting so will do a short update.
Thanks to everyone for your replies!
First meeting with L went fine. The drafted contract is ready and I handed a print out copy to W yesterday.
I am a bit nervous because they decided to show W exactly what she will be loosing in the agreement.
ITs not a huge sum but will likely make it harder for her to agree.
W brought up an addition she would like to add which is basically, IF I sell the hosue within 2-3 years and make a huge profit she gets half of the profit. I agreed to something along those lines a while back but had sort fo forgot about it.
I intend to live there for at elas te few years but I am reluctant to basically make it binding, legally.
I will agree but try to limit it to 2 years.
After the meeting we continued to talk about smaller assets and I noticed she was silent.
AGAIN she was close to crying and said its really rough on her, I validated and we talked some more.
AMong other things she said:
"I have never felt as good/happy as when we lived in the house together."
"Its really rough to not have a direction in life."
Waywardness sure isnt logic...
She said I have become deeper/wider as a person. In a good way.
I jokingly said I ahve also become wider physically. She laughed and agreed.
This process is so strange as we will be living together for a few more months/weeks.
She is finally looking at apartments!
"I have never felt as good/happy as when we lived in the house together."
"Its really rough to not have a direction in life."
Waywardness sure isnt logic...
You can say that again. That must've been hard to hear and I feel for you going through it. Logic tells us...why cant they see the obvious. Then again, here we are holding out hope for those throwing us away. Life makes no sense sometimes.
"I have never felt as good/happy as when we lived in the house together."
"Its really rough to not have a direction in life."
Waywardness sure isnt logic...
You can say that again. That must've been hard to hear and I feel for you going through it. Logic tells us...why cant they see the obvious. Then again, here we are holding out hope for those throwing us away. Life makes no sense sometimes.
Core/mumin
I feel your pain.
Logic tends to keep telling me the exact same things. Why can’t W see.
I’m new here too and it helps reading and posting.
Core and NZ thanks for popping by!
The logic really isnt there. It just isnt. Lik u said C it makes ZERO sense.
In the moment I felt mostly for her but yeah I really thought, "So WHY?!"
I sort of know why we are where we are though. IF one digs deep its there somewhere.
NZ I have read some of your thread.
I feel so much for everyone coming here. Another heart and family broken.
Hang in there, DB works!
Sometimes for the R.
ALWAYS for you.
I have the final draft now.
All we need is a signature and the financials will be done.
Realizing more and more how much I will miss my kids on the "off"-weeks.
Damn you W for forcing this!
Realizing more and more how much I will miss my kids on the "off"-weeks.
Damn you W for forcing this!
Turn it on its head.. Maxamise the enjoyment you have on the "on week".. Show them you are the best dad in the world - Don't make the mistake so many parents make - So many times i visit places with my kids, to see the dads ( mums are worse actually ) just "there", but not really there - they are on the phone or just sat on a bench , with zero interaction with the children - yet they feel they are being a great dad / ticking a box by taking the kids to the park etc..Thats not good parenting.. Give the children 100% of your time on the on-weeks... they will love it and appriciate it.. Then you will sleep soundly knowing they are 100% happy on the 50% of the time they see you.. Its making the best of a bad situation.
Realizing more and more how much I will miss my kids on the "off"-weeks.
Damn you W for forcing this!
Turn it on its head.. Maxamise the enjoyment you have on the "on week".. Show them you are the best dad in the world - Don't make the mistake so many parents make - So many times i visit places with my kids, to see the dads ( mums are worse actually ) just "there", but not really there - they are on the phone or just sat on a bench , with zero interaction with the children - yet they feel they are being a great dad / ticking a box by taking the kids to the park etc..Thats not good parenting.. Give the children 100% of your time on the on-weeks... they will love it and appriciate it.. Then you will sleep soundly knowing they are 100% happy on the 50% of the time they see you.. Its making the best of a bad situation.
Mumin - I hear you. That's the biggest part I struggle with right now too, half the children's lives. But MrBrside makes a great point...I took the kids to the pumpkin farm on Saturday and on a hike in the Fall foliage on Sunday and we had a great time. It's harder without a partner to help but also more engaging. Just love them and give them the best of you!
MrB, BL thanks for you posts! Encouraging!
I REALLY REALLY enjoy my time with the kids. This past weekend we bought 4 new books and just sat down together in the sofa. We baked cinnamon buns together and jsut had a great time!
Will pick them up early today.
Qutie early on in parenting I started a little "chant" with my oldest and have applied it more now.
Me: "What is it you can do?"
D "Anything!"
Me "So what is it you need to do?"
D: "Try it and Fight for it!"
So update:
This morning W signed the papers. (Financials)
I actually dont know exactly what happens now but feels a bit strange.
Need to keep moving.
I have been looking at a trip with the kids but not sure I can afford it now. So many small expenses around the physical split.
Planning to visit my parents this weekend but W's boss might have corona (has tested but not got results) and if he does I probably shouldnt go...
We baked cinnamon buns together and jsut had a great time!
Thats another one - should have added that to Wolfmans post.. Baking and cooking are great ways to interact with the children.. Fresh Pizza from raw ingredients is another one.... Throw a flour fight into the mix, and the kids are in heaven - its then us spending 2 hours after they are asleep wiping up flour dust
Another one my children love is conker picking at this time of year - they spend hours trying to compete finding the biggest conker..
Quality time doesnt need to be showering them with toys or spending £1000s on them every month.. Simple pleasures create great memories just as much as a £10000 trip to disney land.
Good tips MRB!
Might bake a pizza tomorrow.
I guess I should add that I have started texting a girl on a dating app.
She is well aware of my situation and just said "I can handle it".
She seems fun but not sure shes my type and I am not looking for anything serious (which Im not sure she is aware of).
I think its Ovr who talks about getting mojo back and I can feel I really need it.
You sound good overall Mumin, I'm glad to hear it. I'm probably going to do the same as you once the D is completed. I know its ill advised by some but after all were going through, something short term seems like it would work wonders.
I guess I should add that I have started texting a girl on a dating app.
She is well aware of my situation and just said "I can handle it".
She seems fun but not sure shes my type and I am not looking for anything serious (which Im not sure she is aware of).
I think its Ovr who talks about getting mojo back and I can feel I really need it.
Mr Brightside bangs his head against a brick wall ...
I think its Ovr who talks about getting mojo back and I can feel I really need it.
So to get your Mojo back you need to start dating
WTF ?
Read back over the past 2 months of posts - You are up, down and sideways with emotion...
Over the past few weeks you are seeing things a lot clearer ( as you probably realise things are now final and accepting them ) - And your next move is to join a dating app..
Seriously
You still have a lot of work to do on you !
She is well aware of my situation and just said "I can handle it".
Broken people ATTRACT broken people..
Most rational people would say "hmmm, it sounds like you really need to sort yourself out "
but not sure shes my type
So why waste time on her then...
Priorities = wrong
Priorities should be Kids, Kids, Kids - and when not with the kids - self improvement - work on you.. Work on being alone and content with being alone.. Your mentality is - dont want to be lonely - dating app equals quick fix..
I have posted more times than i can count about broken people dating - especially with kids involved.. I reckon it falls on deaf ears 90% of the time, as they "ego / dopamine hit" sends rational out of the window..
Here is a good example of the consequences - and im sure Wolfman was one of many who thought dating was fine.. until all the brokeness and consquences hit home !
That was one of my biggest problems. Being alone, everyone said get use to it but I was so fearful. I was having massive panic attacks way back. At first the limerance was great (of course) with my GF, I felt like I found someone, someone who I could love and love me back. But I was so broken and fearful I ignored the warning signs a few months back. My fear and selfishness put me in a real situation now. I just want to work on my relationship with my kids, I need to work on myself and figuring out what I want in life. My divorce made me panic about my life and my future, yet everyone warned me what to do and how to move forward. I let my anxiety control me, I wasn’t in control of my anxiety. Honestly I’m still not, I am a lot better but I still have a long way to go.
Serious food for thought Mummin
Mummin dating is not going to solve anything. Take it from me. Don’t get me wrong it feels great at first, but it’s a false feeling. Because all you are doing is filling the holes in your broken life. You will make bad decisions because you are broken. Trust me I didn’t think I was, and that I was ready to date. When I started to date my GF I ignored the warning signs. Why? Because I was afraid to be alone, afraid that how couldn’t I find another partner right away. Our egos took a huge hit with D give it time to heal. I am speaking from experience, I put myself in a huge hole and someone else because I wasn’t ready. Mummin talk to me about your true feelings and I will help because I know what you are feeling.
Oh by the way I like the idea of cooking together. I will try that with my son.
Thanks a lot for posting MrB and Wolfman!
Read back over the past 2 months of posts - You are up, down and sideways with emotion...
You still have a lot of work to do on you !
This is very true. Today was actually a bit of a rough day.
Priorities should be Kids, Kids, Kids - and when not with the kids - self improvement - work on you.. Work on being alone and content with being alone..
This is even more true and important!
Wolfman you example is very strong for me. I am really sorry about where you find yourself.
I too need to manage my anxiety. Especially on a day like today.
I have eased the communication with this girl and the intention was never really to date.
I DO believe I need to start interacting more in general with women though.
NMMNG and even DB suggests this.
Another thing brewing here (apart form loneliness) is of course sex.
How have others handled your sexuality?
I watch a lot less porn now but I sort of feel I will eventually need to reassess my sexuality.
What drives me and why? Is there anything I need to work on? Or try?
Sometimes celibacy just seems easier... Now it all just makes me anxious and insecure.
Hey Mumin,
I do say that phrase "get your mojo back" or "I create my own juice (energy)". Kinda dumb phrases but they work for me.
Now I do think that the type of girl who date a guy who isn't yet divorced is not a good long term option, but I was thinking too that you should be interacting with women more. I still remember a night out in Aug 2018 where I went out by myself and went to a few bars and had a good time. I talked to lots of women and made a couple guy friends too. After being approached by a few women, my outlook did a 180 and I knew I'd be fine no matter what. I felt dumb to really think I wouldn't before.
Are you really "broken"? I mean you guys weren't even married for 6 months before BD. But are you whole and strong as you want to be? Maybe not yet. Stay strong and see this sitch through for yourself and the kids. It sounds like you and the kids are doing pretty good.
As for your sexuality, yea celibacy may seem easier at the moment, but is that rewarding? There's nothing to be anxious about. You've done this before right? I would start doing things that create self confidence like going to the gym, joining team activities, saving money, crushing it at work, and walk around with a little smile and stand tall and pull your shoulders back. See how many women notice you then.
Here to make a note. Not really looking for further Comments atm just want to remember.
Ovr thanks you for your reply!
I will reply more some time. I need to start saving money again. I feel good doing it and I will really need it for house work.
Spoke to W tonight about changing up our kids-schedule to 2,2,5,5.
Likely we will start that soon.
She also said she doesn't like the thought of exchanges every seven days but she realizes that is the only way whe. She has her own place.
We spoke abit about kids and her housing-hunt. She is looking but has only entered one bidding.
She mentioned a rental and I said that sounds like a good idea till you find something you want to buy.
In the middle of the Conversation I asked what happened to her lip.
Apparently she had got new fillings... Then a weird situation arouse.
She said I'm glad you asked, most people wouldn't and you never know.
With a bit of sarcasm I said "he [censored] better not! "
We looked at each other for quite some time and I said, really tough if something ever happens you tell me.
Basically crying she said, I promise.
Im not sure but it really looked like she stopped herself from hugging me.
Small update:
Gym workout continues like never before.
Ownership of our small car is being transferred to her.
I will officially own the house in a few weeks.
About a week after that I will finalize the divorce.
You're tough as nails Mumin, I love it. And you still have enough of the soft side too. Keep working on you and your life is going to sort itself out just fine.
Short context.
I had to isolate due to son symptoms which has led to us spending 3 days together, including the weekend.
Yesterday W traveled to her father with kids and tomorrow we are switching.
Mid call about kids getting sick (not covid), this happens :
W- spoke to dad for a long time yesterday. About us.
W - it felt really really good to spend time together all 4 of us.
Me - I liked it too.
W- I just found out I got the apartment.
Me - that's great!
W - I don't know. It feels so final. I realized I wasn't sure when I found out.
Me-...
W - ok I will just say this.
Me-...
W - a couple of days ago when I was watching TV our song from the wedding came on. I thought to myself if Mumin comes home now it is meant to be
W - I really really wanted you to come home. But you didn't and I cried. (I came home later in the evening...)
Me - I really don't know what to say. I have to hang up now.
An hour later she asked me about some paperwork she needs to buy the apartment...
We said some other stuff too.
Typing this up quickly because of work, but it's the most important.
This all makes me angry but of course also makes me think.
Any perspective is welcome.
Yo M first up I think you need to work on your validation. “I can understand why that made you feel sad.”
That’s how she felt in the moment and then it passed.
She’s got a ton of work to do M. Having an affair during your wedding day is not normal behavior.
Keep moving forward.
Having an affair during your wedding day is not normal behavior.
That comment seems somewhat reserved for you LH hahahah..
Having an affair during your wedding day is like a light house flashing on some treacherous rocks - it can not get any more clearer, AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.. Your WW is not a good wife and never will be. You just need to move on and enjoy your life...
I didn’t realize she had an affair ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!!!!!
That’s a low that’s on a totally different level. Good lord
Having an affair during your wedding day is not normal behavior.
That comment seems somewhat reserved for you LH hahahah..
Having an affair during your wedding day is like a light house flashing on some treacherous rocks - it can not get any more clearer, AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.. Your WW is not a good wife and never will be. You just need to move on and enjoy your life...
I’m trying to come with more compassion BrSide and leaving the hammering to you lol.
G-money to clarify she was in an affair during her wedding day. Not necessarily had an affair on his wedding day.
Mid call about kids getting sick (not covid), this happens :
W- spoke to dad for a long time yesterday. About us.
W - it felt really really good to spend time together all 4 of us.
Me - I liked it too.
W- I just found out I got the apartment.
Me - that's great!
W - I don't know. It feels so final. I realized I wasn't sure when I found out.
Me-...
W - ok I will just say this.
Me-...
W - a couple of days ago when I was watching TV our song from the wedding came on. I thought to myself if Mumin comes home now it is meant to be
W - I really really wanted you to come home. But you didn't and I cried. (I came home later in the evening...)
Me - I really don't know what to say. I have to hang up now.
I agree with LH! You had so many opportunities to listen and validate here!! Suppose this is how it went:
W- spoke to dad for a long time yesterday. About us.
Me - It sounds like you needed to get some things off your chest, glad he was there for you.
W - it felt really really good to spend time together all 4 of us.
Me - It sounds like you enjoyed the family time.
W- I just found out I got the apartment.
Me - Congratulations, I understand you are probably excited about that news.
W - I don't know. It feels so final. I realized I wasn't sure when I found out.
Me- So you are feeling unsure do the finality. That is understandable.
W - ok I will just say this.
W - a couple of days ago when I was watching TV our song from the wedding came on. I thought to myself if Mumin comes home now it is meant to be
W - I really really wanted you to come home. But you didn't and I cried. (I came home later in the evening...)
Me - So your feel that if I had come home then that would have been a sign, but that since I didn't you felt sad.
Me- Hey I have to run, I have some things to take care of.
[/quote]
An hour later she asked me about some paperwork she needs to buy the apartment...
Not your monkeys, not your zoo.
"I am not really up on that kind of thing, do you have any specific questions? I'll try to answer them."
I didn’t realize she had an affair ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!!!!!
That’s a low that’s on a totally different level. Good lord
Total lack of respect. Scott, it really is amazing you two have made it this long.
I didn’t realize she had an affair ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!!!!!
That’s a low that’s on a totally different level. Good lord
Total lack of respect. Scott, it really is amazing you two have made it this long.
Uuum think you have wrong thread Steve. M made it 3 months.
I didn’t realize she had an affair ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!!!!!
That’s a low that’s on a totally different level. Good lord
Total lack of respect. Scott, it really is amazing you two have made it this long.
Uuum think you have wrong thread Steve. M made it 3 months.
Yeah sorry, that was meant for Mumin. And my point was that I would have filed for D the minute I found out about the wedding day thing.
Ok, thanks for "input"
W wrote, hope I didn't upset you too much.
Not sure what to write to her.
Leaning towards something like this.
Unless you have remorse or have left OM I don't want to talk to you about us anymore.
Ok, thanks for "input"
W wrote, hope I didn't upset you too much.
Not sure what to write to her.
Leaning towards something like this.
Unless you have remorse or have left OM I don't want to talk to you about us anymore.
I vote for no response at all. She didn't ask if you were upset, she made a statement.
She didn't ask if you were upset, she made a statement.
This is true, thanks Steve!
Unless you have remorse or have left OM I don't want to talk to you about us anymore.
In my opinion, an answer like that would ruin everything and put you back to square one. You are basically saying "if you ever decide to leave OM, I am here and ready to take you back"
Also true. Thanks Ben!
More messages...
"we can talk more tomorrow if you want... bla bla..."
"However I look at it I beleive this apartment is an important step in the long-term, for all of us"
"So I will buy it bla bla bla"
"OR what do you think?"
a few minutes later
"I dont know what you are thinking or if you want to say. But I prefer to hear what you are thinking"
She is basically asking me if she should buy the apartment.
Just tell her she should do what she feels is right. She'll take it from there.
Just tell her she should do what she feels is right. She'll take it from there.
PERFECTION.
Just tell her she should do what she feels is right. She'll take it from there.
This is pretty much what I replied.
The next day she basically said:
"I have thought long and hard and I feel it is the responsible and respectful thing to do for all involved." [to buy the apartment]
I said something like. "Yes, I think its a good choice."
She went on about it being the right thing towards me and I said I didnt want to talk about it more and soon thereafter hung up.
This whole conversation, her doubt and a an additional huge amount of other communication (due to kids sickness) set me back on detachment. Today I feel I am back to where I should be though.
In regards to detachment W actually did buy the apartment but wont get access till late January....
3 more months of Corona IHS...
I shall start making the place my own! I'm not big on interior design though.
Finally hit the gym again today, such an amazing feeling! Everyone of us here should lift heavy weights!
I intend to keep off DB a bit this month, its getting addictive to follow and assist others.
Not the worst thing in the world to be reminded of DB principles and helping others though, so we'll see.
Today marks 6 months and I can file to finalize the divorce.
Some admin and authorities details means it will probably take a week or two.
As soon as it’s processed I will change my profile pic on FB as well as R status.
Will try to do it without announcing it in the feed.
Doing gardening today as well as a heavy gym workout.
Deleted Instagram today and will remove auto login to Facebook.
Will finalize NMMNG this month (really taking my time to read it and will read it again next year.)
Getting the new iPhone and will not be installing dating apps.
Considering getting the multi orgazmic man which some here have suggested.
Making a plan to renovate the cottage on my property so i can rent it to someone and get extra income.
Living together really makes real detachment almost impossible.
Especially being some what of a complete family still.
Kids know W has apartment now so that’s good. Don’t think D3 really understands though but that time will come.
Moving on.
Amor fati
M,
This is all good stuff.
Real detachment while living is virtually impossible. That is why in house seperation never works.
You have come a long way and should be proud of yourself. Just keep moving forward.
Thanks LH! That really means a lot from you!
W left her old phone and a paper full of passwords on a bookshelf.
Not snooping is very hard atm!
It’s my days with the kids.
W- How are the kids? I miss them. Do you have a picture you could send?
Will wait till tomorrow but since we’ll soon be cooparenting I will reply something.
We basically never FaceTime with the kids but we might start after she moves out completely.
Edit:
Again she was VERY close to crying as we said goodbye earlier this week.
I replied today. Said they are doing fine and sent a short in the moment video of D3 playing.
She replied something about the video. I did not reply.
Any perspective is always appreciated.
He’s my prospective. You should make a decision and communicate it to her if you choose not to participate in the children photo exchange.
You are right LH.
Not sure I Have to make that decision now though.
Really not sure how I feel about it.
Will I want her to send pictures of an event with kids that I missed? Yes probably.
Will I want to reply to her with a picture every time she wants one? No.
I’m seeing a detached Mumin. Keep that coming man. You are getting the mojo.
Stay strong M!
Thats great to hear neffer!
Makes me glad!
Which in turn makes me realize my self esteem/confidence isnt through the roof, but I guess that will take time.
Strength and Honor!
You are right LH.
Not sure I Have to make that decision now though.
Really not sure how I feel about it.
Will I want her to send pictures of an event with kids that I missed? Yes probably.
Will I want to reply to her with a picture every time she wants one? No.
To me memories are a major part of mine and my childrens life. We do a lot of fun stuff together - I take a LOT of pictures and do photobooks every month..
Would i ask my WW for any pictures - NEVER - because we make enough memories of our own...
Initially WW used to always ask me for pictures - But i refused . From my persective, i want seperate lives from WW.. The WW made their choice to run off with OM - While every persons relationship with their WW is different, why would you want to waste time and energy, sharing your memories with a person who threw you aside like a piece of trash - and from reading your sitch, your WW is not a nice person and has shown you a lot of disrespect. Sounds like NG syndrom kicking in.
Thats great to hear neffer!
Makes me glad!
Which in turn makes me realize my self esteem/confidence isnt through the roof, but I guess that will take time.
Strength and Honor!
Hey Mumin hope you're doing well my man.
Remember, feelings are fleeting and fickle. You are also in control of them, "everything is a matter of judgment". If you can stay detached you can make logical decisions. People who make logical decisions in tough times have better outcomes. Logic doesn't mean instant perfection as it requires trial and error, but that's OK. I always told the kids I coached that if you never failed then you never tried. It's how you try that matters.
Hope your kids are doing well, good luck to you.
First off I just want to say thank you for everyone still posting on my thread.
LH, Ovr, MrB, neffer you have been with me since I joined here and I can say you have all made huge POSITIVE impacts in my life. Thank you for that and thank you for these recent perspectives.
I am doing well and so are my kids. Though I am certain I will need to really give them time, space and love as me and W physically separate in late January.
MrB
"because we make enough memories of our own..."
This is the way I view it too.
But what about sports events, graduations, etc Have you agreed both can ALWAYS come to these? We have not yet really discussed these things.
I think, as we physically separate I will tell her how I view some of these things. Including sending pictures.
MrB also, I am very curious. How did you tell her you "refuse" to send pictures?
M,
She can’t keep you from sporting events and graduations etc.
M,
She can’t keep you from sporting events and graduations etc.
This is true.
At physical separation I might tell her my view co-parenting and my life moving forward.
I have long considered if I should tell her I don't want to be her friend. (already showing this through actions though)
Nonetheless I need to make up my own mind on some of these things so I know.
Its getting easier to act on values but the NGS is strong in this one.
Mummin,
Re the sport events / school concerts / parents evening ( pre covid ) - I still do all of these - I just refuse to do them with my ex. I don't see its something you need to discuss ? You are the father - So you do it. You don't need to go with WW.. Just make sure you are informed - I nearly missed one because WW didnt inform me ( the letter went home on her night ) - Hence now the school send me a copy of all correspondance.
In my case, i dont think its about pictures .. Its about control on the WW's part.
Unless my posts don't give it away, i am blunt and say it as i see it. If i don't agree with something, i will never budge. When WW left, she came back 2 days later to get a few things - i was shocked.. She emptied shelves in the kids playroom and left toys all over the floor, lookikng for what she wanted. That was the last time she ever stepped in my ( previously our ) house. Since then it has been her "control ambition" to get into the house. I've heard it all - "She would like to see how i've redecroated the kids rooms", "she wants to see the xmas tree", "She is desperate for the toilet" , "the kids want to show her their toys" - etc etc - I will never back down !
But the same goes for communication. I got sick of the BS and drama and silly messages - Hence she is blocked on everything except email. So her communication options are limited. My stance is simple - Kids Kids Kids - and always via email - my line to anything is "drop me an email please"
Bear in mind though, a lot of LBS here want recon at some point - the advice is to be the "light house" - not to persue..
I dont want her back ever - there is no light house shining - Hence i am free to be pretty cold without a second thought.
But back to the question - Photos are another one.. She initially asked for pictures of what we had done and i just ignored her. She kind of gave up after a while, realising i wasnt going to do it. When me and my children have been on holiday, she insists that i send her pictures, but i just ignore the emails. I dont believe she even wants to see them - its about about trying to break my boundaries..
Every sitch is different, but i do believe a lot of the WW requests / actions are still about control and not so much the request.
Wow MrB thanks for a GREAT post!
I will read it again and really consider all recent advice.
Tbh I have been a bit ambivalent lately as to whether I would ever take her back.
Long demands lists aside I am not sure I can get the loving respect back.
I still have love for her though, but I am not sure its the right kind of love and I am sure that love will diminish over time.
Also, at the moment I am so much about exploring and developing myself.
My brother asked me when I am getting Tinder. I said I dont want it right now.
Also, at the moment I am so much about exploring and developing myself.
My brother asked me when I am getting Tinder. I said I dont want it right now.
It's certainly tempting. I was with my wife before dating apps on smartphones were a thing. Also, just a week ago a friend asked if I would go out with someone he knew. However, I think posters on here are right when they say focus on healing and improving yourself because broken attracts broken so I've stayed away from that scene so far.
Totally agree BL.
Initially I felt a need to explore whats out there and "get mine" but I dont anymore.
I still have love for her though, but I am not sure its the right kind of love and I am sure that love will diminish over time.
My brother asked me when I am getting Tinder. I said I dont want it right now.
The top line sums up why you should avoid dating !
Its a quick fix.. something i say time and time again - look at Wolfman !
Learn and work on you - that way, you will be cautious and aware of the little red flags, you probably ignored.
There are a lot of broken people on dating sites.
You ( and so many other ) LPS spouses here, who actually stick around and read, don't realise how lucky they are.. If they read these posts, and learn the patterns ( how many sitchs are so similar ) you can impove your own mental awareness when you are ready.
I'll say it again - there are a LOT of broken people on dating sites... You need to be in a mentally strong place where you can see past the big boobs, pretty face and cheesy come ons, to see the red flags lurking..
This isnt meant with disrespect, but look at the content of Kit Cats posts.. Lots of ups and downs - not over ex husband - and now shes dating... or look at what happened to Wolfman !!!
Its about wising up and learning.. and seeing what you ignored first time around.
I had a date with a girl a few months back - stunning, lovelly and i fancied the pants off her - But less than an hour in and id discovered she was married 3 times ??? - the last guy was 8 months - They got married after 6 months, and lasted 8 months. She told me they had seperated 3 weeks before.. And she had reported 2 of the 3 husbands for domestic abuse - Yet she was out on a date 3 weeks after kicking husband 3 out !!! - You can imagine how quick i drank that drink and made a quick exit - 10 years ago, i would have been thinking, hmm shes stunning, who cares about 3 exs...
Back in February i dated the best looking mum in the school - She is / was a compulsive liar.. 2 dates in and i was thinking, run run run - everything she said was BS.. 10 years ago i got burnt by ignoring lall the WW's lies..
Live and learn. think smart and not with whats in your pants !
Tanks MrB for that!
Popping by cuz I finished ‘love must be tough’.
Everyone who is early in in a sitch, read this book ASAP!
Hate divorce even more now.
Your brother's heart is in the right place. He hates seeing you hurt so he is trying to find a way to help stop your hurting. This is why I tell LBSs to be careful about advice from friends and family. They have one goal, to see your pain ended. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts through this stuff, just like Mr. B said. It would be a temporary fix. I like to say it is putting the cart before the horse. The right sequence is to get through the pain, get whole yourself, then get out there and date. The other way around is filled with pitfalls.
Mr. B I also love what you said about this: "There are a lot of broken people on dating sites." Especially on Tinder! What person that is a catch and knows their own self-worth goes to a place like Tinder? ROFL "Hey I have nothing to offer except some fun parts....oh and I am only interested in your fun parts too!" Give me a break.
Mumin, keep up the good work. You've got this.
Thanks for stopping by Steve!
You guys are so right about broken ppl on Tinder.
My first goal in dating is approaching ppl in real life at a bar etc.
That wont happen for a while due to covid.
Keep working out.
Looks like a great sale is closing at work.
Focusing back to NMMNG and will start reading 3% man.
A leak in my roof discovered today.
Great timing, less than a month after I bought the house... Amor fati!
Thanks for stopping by Steve!
You guys are so right about broken ppl on Tinder.
My first goal in dating is approaching ppl in real life at a bar etc.
That wont happen for a while due to covid.
Keep working out.
Looks like a great sale is closing at work.
Focusing back to NMMNG and will start reading 3% man.
A leak in my roof discovered today.
Great timing, less than a month after I bought the house... Amor fati!
I had to reroof our house this past summer. We had only been here 2 years, but I knew when I bought it that the roof was near the end of its life. Part of home ownership!
I think perhaps Tinder in USA is different than it is here. My best friend was supposed to marry his fiancée he met through Tinder although they had to cancel due to covid. But they are happy together. Another friend met his girlfriend there years ago. One of my employees met his girlfriend of three years on Tinder. Another female friend I know met her boyfriend there who is a doctor.
I went on a date recently with a lawyer I met there. I did not find her broken at all. However, for girls there it's quite difficult to meet a good guy they said as there are 80-90 % guys there and many think it's a sex app. So they have to filter through them to find someone decent.
But if you ever do decide to use tinder, you'll be surprised how difficult it is to match with anyone simply because there are so many guys and relatively few girls there.
Years ago online dating had terrible reputation, but that has changed, again I mean at least in our country. Most of my single friends are on there now and they are all good people
Ben B,
Tinder is the same here. You’ll find good people and you’ll find bad people.
Remember that just because Steve views something one way doesn’t mean it’s true.
True, I do agree this forum helps seeing the red flags. I can easily spot the obvious ones when I'm swiping but as Mrbside said, sometimes you'll see the warning while on the first date. A red flag for me is actually "I want to be swept off my feat" which I see every now and then on profiles.
My recommendation is always to suggest going for a walk as a date. Worst thing that happens then is that you wasted 30 minutes of your life. For me, I suggest walking my dog. Doesn't take long to tell if this is someone I can go on a second date with or not. But I do agree spending time working on yourself first of course.
Benny B,
Takes me about 2 minutes to decide yes or know for date 2. I had one Saturday a knew right away I was not interested in another date. I still enjoyed a night out with a new person and a couple drinks. It’s all good.
My recommendation is always to suggest going for a walk as a date. Worst thing that happens then is that you wasted 30 minutes of your life. For me, I suggest walking my dog. Doesn't take long to tell if this is someone I can go on a second date with or not. But I do agree spending time working on yourself first of course.
For me, a walk is something i avoid on the first date. You cant read a person the same, as you are side by side. Body language and expressions are a dead giveaway for things like lying, rolling eyes, etc etc - its hard to guage that when you are looking in front, rather than face to face.. But each to their own.
There are lot of giveaways to a person, when you know where to look - i suspect 99% of the people here didnt know where to look first time around. For me, if the lady has children but spends more time texting you than being with her children, that is a massive red flag - if she will drop the time she spends with the children the second she meets a guy, it shows where her priorities are.. but thats one of many IMO.
Benny B,
Takes me about 2 minutes to decide yes or know for date 2. I had one Saturday a knew right away I was not interested in another date. I still enjoyed a night out with a new person and a couple drinks. It’s all good.
I assume thats based on initial attraction / vibe though ?
This is why i feel caution is needed to the LBS - what you see in 2 minutes, may not be what you get in 30 minutes once the stones start getting unturned.
I mentioned the lady above - within the first 10 minutes it was a great date. 30 minutes and 3 husbands later chat and i was like...get me out of here lol..i would have ignored this 10 years ago.
What I did with the lawyer for example is we went for a walk, I noticed we were clicking and before I suggested it myself, she suggested having a cup of coffee. I took her to my favorite place where they also allow dogs and we sat there for another few hours. I don't like dinner on a first date, if I don't like the person, now I'm still stuck for at least another hour but probably more.
I wouldn't know about children, I always swipe left if they have kids and prefer to meet someone without since I don't have any myself.
There’s some obvious ones for me. Lying on profiles is a deal breaker, restraining orders, heavy drug use, smoking, less then 50/50 custody not asking about my children.
i laughed out loud at this - against them lol ? is this common in the US
any drug use is a no no for me..
I've never been on Tinder because it came out after I started dating my W, but I know plenty of people who have used it. There are certainly people on there just looking for hookups but plenty looking for relationships as well. To me it seems like the next platform of dating from eHarmony to Match to Tinder to Bumble. Maybe it's generational thing, but online dating is fairly pervasive now.
Bside I’m here to entertain lol. Yep a few of my dates have had restraining orders against their ex’s. That makes for pleasant conversations lol.
Keep the dating advice coming guys!
Will come back here and look in a few months time.
I will stay off until I feel stable and ready for it.
We havnt even physically separated yet.
Right now I dont want or need to date.
When I did a bit of "market research" this summer 9/10 of the ppl I matched with seemed to be broken in some way.
Though at that time I basically only swiped right and I tried three different apps to get an understanding of things (some were way worse than others). However as some have said, dating apps are an accepted and highly used tool for dating in my age group today. My brother met his wife to be on Tinder. Shes great!
Ben you should try Bumble if you are out there swiping.
I’ve used Bumble, Match, Zoosk and recently Tinder. Truthfully I’ve had the most success on Bumble. I’ve tried writing serious profiles but I feel women are as bad as men and don’t read them. A short witty profile with a few pics seem to be enough. I have met good people on all and kooks on all. Honestly the free ones are enough IMO.
So far, none of the other dating apps I've used except for the invite only one and Tinder have worked well. I didn't know Bumble was big here but I'll check it out. The rest of them have been a waste of time.
LH, true I have a short witty profile and that seems to be working well. I also took some professional photos I've used although I should update them soon as I look quite different now, more than a year later. Another tip, avoid gym selfies or any shirtless for no reason pictures. All my female friends agree that is a turn off.
Thanks again for all the input everyone!!
Ben, my understanding is Tinder still has a much larger user base but Bumble has a bit higher "quality".
I plan to get some great photos next year to use.
IHS isnt great.
Really looking forward to February.
I have a hard time not interacting with her when shes at home. Feels like its super friend zone sometimes.
House is small and I work from home most days.
She initiates 90% of the non-children communication though.
Benny B,
Takes me about 2 minutes to decide yes or know for date 2. I had one Saturday a knew right away I was not interested in another date. I still enjoyed a night out with a new person and a couple drinks. It’s all good.
I assume thats based on initial attraction / vibe though ?
This is why i feel caution is needed to the LBS - what you see in 2 minutes, may not be what you get in 30 minutes once the stones start getting unturned.
I mentioned the lady above - within the first 10 minutes it was a great date. 30 minutes and 3 husbands later chat and i was like...get me out of here lol..i would have ignored this 10 years ago.
Yes based on attraction and vibe that at least there is potential. Of course the real dealbreakers can come out later. Went out with a girl this month married three times engaged 5 times. Latest husband shot himself in front of her. “ check please”. I’m good.
Went out with a girl this month married three times engaged 5 times. Latest husband shot himself in front of her. “ check please”. I’m good.
Hence my comment - lots of broken people lol
As long as you spot them its fine..
The danger with the LBS is that they are so desperate to fix their issues, they throw themselves into the first person who gives them butterflys - ignoring the 3 failed marriges, 3 kids by 3 fathers etc
Went out with a girl this month married three times engaged 5 times. Latest husband shot himself in front of her. “ check please”. I’m good.
Hence my comment - lots of broken people lol
As long as you spot them its fine..
The danger with the LBS is that they are so desperate to fix their issues, they throw themselves into the first person who gives them butterflys - ignoring the 3 failed marriges, 3 kids by 3 fathers etc
Oh I can spot them. Sometimes maybe over analyzing. We just had a guy on the divorce but thriving thread after everyone warned him he moved in and got engaged to a married woman who was going into marriage number 5. Needless to say after losing his kids, pets lots of money he finally saw the light. He’s been on here for 4 years but has made zero progress. That’s what’s disheartening.
Coincidence but not fun
Today I filed the final papers.
Today D3 said “I love you daddy, and OM.”
They have mentioned him before but never like that.
Asked D6 if they had met him. She said no.
I’ll leave it at that.
Fu W!
The danger with the LBS is that they are so desperate to fix their issues, they throw themselves into the first person who gives them butterflys - ignoring the 3 failed marriges, 3 kids by 3 fathers etc
What's the obsession with being with someone anyway? I'm sure we can all remember a time that we loved being single, I certainly do. Of course, we were married and its not what we want, but as my best mate tells me, why would you just waste this opportunity to be yourself and have some fun. If you seemingly didn't pick the right person for your first marriage, what are the chances its going to be the first person after that who is perfect.
Some people need another person for validation. Some men need a mommy. Some women need a man to support them. If you haven’t followed Wolfman then he is a great example about jumping into fast.
I disagree with your friend. I am more aware then ever in my life for what I am looking for so that I do not have to go through this pain again.
I read Wolfman LH, every word, scared the bejeezus out of me. If he’s made one contribution here it is to show others how bad things can go.
I think maybe you misunderstand my friend, he is all for knowing what you want and not going through it again (his LT GF cheated on him), he is just saying what’s the rush.
Neglected and then forgot to reply to W who asked how kids are doing.
She just wrote.
I understand that you might not want to reply to non kids stuff. But I expect us to answer each other about kids. It made me really sad.
So she expects this does she. Almost replied something very aggressive.
Just so happened though D3 was in the hospital yesterday for a minor thing. She’s completely fine, just antibiotics.
How about,
Sorry it made you sad. I won’t always be available but will always say if they are sick.
Then tell her about antibiotics etc.
Wrote something similar to above.
She replied with only “.........”
Then called a few minutes later.
I answered.
W- Don’t you think a mother wants to know...
W- You write you will always say and then tell me you were in the hospital yesterday. The FK???!
I said take it easy. I was exhausted yesterday and forgot to write. Was planning on telling you today.
W- ok now I know then. And she hung up immediately.
M,
I can see why she was upset. A trip to the hospital is a must call.
It’s a must call right when you make the decision to bring the child to the hospital.
And you never tell an upset mother to “take it easy”
Time for a New Thread
New thread