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Posted By: BenB Single man from Scandinavia - 09/11/20 05:54 PM

Part 1 - https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2866861&page=1

Part 2: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2882104&page=1

- divorced a few months ago

- Less communication with XW these days although I hear from her from time to time.

- trying to build a new life
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 09/11/20 06:11 PM
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Wow, sorry to hear about the medical scare but glad you are doing well! It's nice that your XW does at least care, I have no doubt it was genuine. My XW is the same, doesn't mean she wants to get back with me but she does care and asks questions about my health sometimes (if I'm sick or something), offers to help and shows interest.

Have a good time in Greece! I've never been, it's on my bucket list!


Thanks AS,

You are right, I didn't read anything else into it.

One thing that has helped me is that my 40th birthday is in December and I've set a goal with my workout so my focus has constantly been on that. That photographer friend of mine from last year will be taking pictures of the results(the pics are for my eyes only of course) so I'm currently following a strict diet. Setting that date for photography is so important because it adds a little bit of pressure but in a good way. I remember how much this helped last year, took my mind of anything negative for months.

And the side effect is that you feel and look great. Can not recommend a better GAL activity.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 09/14/20 05:15 PM
Excellent! I remember you mentioning the photoshoot before, great idea. Covid really wrecked my workout routine. Both of the gyms I was going to closed for months. They both reopened about a month ago, but the Crossfit gym has so many restrictions that I haven't gone back. So I've been doing all weight training instead. Put on 10 very unwanted pounds during the hiatus! I've started counting macros again and have dropped 3 so far. Good luck with your goals and the shoot!
Posted By: lupacex Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 09/25/20 09:50 AM
Thanks you for sharing
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 10/07/20 03:06 PM
Trying to update a bit and I've missed the last two posts here -

AS - thank you! I think two years ago if I would have gained weight I'd probably freak out but now that I know what I am capable of, I don't stress about it. I've actually put on 10kg(22lbs) in the past few months on purpose to build muscle mass. My face is rounder and I've swelled up a bit it seems but as long as you know you have that discipline, it doesn't bother me. Starting sometime in November, I'll be back to toning again.

lupacex, no problem but how come you haven't started a thread on your own?

To update on my sitch - I feel great but I'm still nowhere near where I wanna be. The reason I say this is because I feel great right now. But that's also because I have so many amazing GAL activities planned. On Friday I travel to Copenhagen to one of the best restaurants in the world together with a close friend. I haven't had a cheat day in a long time so it will be a cheat weekend!

Next week I have a dinner planned at a new restaurant with my brother and some of our friends I haven't seen in a while.

The weekend after that, my friends and business partners from Greece are traveling here from Thursday to Sunday. I'll be taking them to my favorite places. So pretty much all of October is filled with fun things to do. But I need to learn to feel good without all those things. Seems that as soon as I have something planned, even if it's weeks from now, I feel good but when I have nothing special planned, I feel lonely. This is something I need to improve.

Finally, when it comes to XW there is a place I hope I can get to and that is forgiveness. I've gone pretty much NC the past month. She messaged me asking for a recipe a few weeks ago but besides that nothing. I hope some day I get to a point where I can look at this and not feel any anger about what has happened but I am not there yet so I try not to think about it at all. When I do, I can easily spiral to unhappy thoughts. Thoughts as small as, couldn't all this have happened before I spent a fortune on a wedding or thoughts about why I didn't just go NC and never looked back ever again because she doesn't deserve any more. But I digress...

Back to cuddling with my dog and try to do P90X at home while he runs after me with his toys.
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 11:16 AM
Been over a month since my last update and as you can see, I don't post very often. Main reason is I don't have much to update really.

There were a few months were I spent some time with XW but I started to get suspicious of her intentions. I guess I will never know why she reached out so often but my guess is that I am some sort of safe space for her. Another reason is that most likely she misses my dog which used to be our dog. So I started to pull back, kept my answers short when she messaged. Eventually I started to hear less from her. Between October and just until a few days ago we had zero communication. Then she reached out and asked what type of CBD oil I use and asked if I was home so she can come over and look at it. I found this odd as I could of course just snap a picture and send her. But I was out with the dog, far from where she was so I told her that.

She messaged me again when she returned home to show me which one she ended up buying. When she reaches out for these seemingly unimportant things, I can't help but to think she has some sort of ulterior motive. Perhaps to come and see the dog, or maybe even hoping to have a meal at my place as she knows I cook good food.

I don't think we will ever R or even be friends at some point. I've come to the realization that she views me more as a parent. It's sad but my focus now is to be attractive for my next partner.

I came to this forum hoping to save my marriage but like many others, I wasn't able to. I wouldn't trade this experience and the man I've become for anything but it still feels sad to think about how something that started so beautiful ended in such a terrible way.

I'll probably be posting less on this forum, even less that I have been now. My full focus is on my work out, I've gotten so far that I am considering perhaps competing in the next few years. But we'll see about that. I'm turning 40 in less than a month and I'm proud of myself for keeping this up, in February 2 years since BD.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 11:47 AM
Benny B,

Sounds like you’re doing well. I think early on you put yourself in the friend zone and never should have allowed that to happen. She has never really had the chance to miss you.

I think a lot of it is perspective. Are you sad that it happened or happy because it made you the man you are today?

Big things are coming your way Benny B you just have to keep moving forward and keep your buddy Mummin moving forward.
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 12:04 PM
Thank you LH,

I think I am something far worse than friend zoned, I think am dad zoned, yikes!

It's mixed feelings, I understand how fortunate it is that I've become a better person. I see how my other relationships have improved. My relationship with my family is better, my sister and I have become closer, I have new friends now and my old friends seem to enjoy my company more. I was worried I would go back to my old ways but I realize this is the new me and that is what makes me proud.

But then there's this feeling of how sad it is that XW and I ended this way. It was such a beautiful love story, the way we met and all we have been through. I don't think that feeling will ever go away, but I will learn to live with it. I use the pain to move forward and pursue a better life in every aspect.

When I read your last sentence, I agree. I have a feeling something great will come out of this. I don't know what of course, but my intuition tells me that in fact big things are coming my way. Thank you for posting LH!
Posted By: LH19 Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 02:00 PM
Benny,

Using pain to grow and move forward is a powerful thing. This may be a chapter in your love story. Nobody knows what the future holds.

It’s very interesting how two people in the story see things so differently. I guess that is what makes the world such an interesting place.
Posted By: Mumin Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 02:11 PM
Hey Ben!
Nice to hear from you. You seem to be doing great!
I think it is wise to move your attention away from here unless you intend to post advice.

Originally Posted by BenB

But then there's this feeling of how sad it is that XW and I ended this way. It was such a beautiful love story, the way we met and all we have been through. I don't think that feeling will ever go away, but I will learn to live with it. I use the pain to move forward and pursue a better life in every aspect.

This is very similar to how I feel.
You are a bit further in the journey of course.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 02:55 PM
Originally Posted by BenB
Been over a month since my last update and as you can see, I don't post very often. Main reason is I don't have much to update really.

There were a few months were I spent some time with XW but I started to get suspicious of her intentions. I guess I will never know why she reached out so often but my guess is that I am some sort of safe space for her. Another reason is that most likely she misses my dog which used to be our dog. So I started to pull back, kept my answers short when she messaged. Eventually I started to hear less from her. Between October and just until a few days ago we had zero communication. Then she reached out and asked what type of CBD oil I use and asked if I was home so she can come over and look at it. I found this odd as I could of course just snap a picture and send her. But I was out with the dog, far from where she was so I told her that.

She messaged me again when she returned home to show me which one she ended up buying. When she reaches out for these seemingly unimportant things, I can't help but to think she has some sort of ulterior motive. Perhaps to come and see the dog, or maybe even hoping to have a meal at my place as she knows I cook good food.

I don't think we will ever R or even be friends at some point. I've come to the realization that she views me more as a parent. It's sad but my focus now is to be attractive for my next partner.

I came to this forum hoping to save my marriage but like many others, I wasn't able to. I wouldn't trade this experience and the man I've become for anything but it still feels sad to think about how something that started so beautiful ended in such a terrible way.

I'll probably be posting less on this forum, even less that I have been now. My full focus is on my work out, I've gotten so far that I am considering perhaps competing in the next few years. But we'll see about that. I'm turning 40 in less than a month and I'm proud of myself for keeping this up, in February 2 years since BD.



Ben, good to hear your update. I think you've come so far from where you started, and you should be commended for that! The strong attachment to someone is very difficult to break. And the only way to do is a CLEAN break. You are right, she has zoned you in a place that you are not willing to be for her. I think you've done the right thing being very distant and short in your answers. I would even suggest for you (this is not general advice for anyone reading this) to even just start ignoring some of her queries. There may even be a time when the day comes that you just have to tell her flat out "Look, I've moved on with my life and am not interested in this level of engagement with you. I pray for nothing but good things for your future."

I say all of this because I know how miserable I was in my longtime ex's friend-zone. She was a master manipulator. The first time she manipulated me that was on her. Every time after that was on me. We allow and teach people how to treat us, and I had taught her that she could jerk my chain, treat me like dirt ("I want to be with you!"......"Go away, I am busy!") but that I would always come back for more. Until I finally didn't. It took a while but she finally saw that I wasn't taking the bait or on the hook anymore. And her reach outs became less frequent, and much more formal ("How you doing? How are the wife and kids?") I haven't heard from her for a long time, mainly because I made it clear that there was no chance for the two of us, ever. Making the decision several years ago that I wouldn't even entertain more than a casual, acquaintance relationship with her. Her and I still have a circle of friends and family that overlap so we still will run into each other occasionally at events (once every few years, funerals mostly) but I keep our interactions brief and very formal.

Ben, you will miss her still. And you will still think "maybe this reach out will be the ONE that starts us on the path to R". That is what you need to work on. Make the decision that you wouldn't be open to R with her EVEN if she were to come back and make it known. That way you can move on and forward and not be burden with her as anchor. I can tell you, I was hindered in my dating life greatly because I was always keeping one ear to the ground hoping she was coming back my way. The sooner you can make that decision for yourself, the sooner you can move on completely.
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 03:31 PM
Thank you Steve,

I agree with a lot you say but her reaching out gives me zero hope that she wants to R, nor am I keeping my ear to the ground hoping she will come back.

If at any point it would become too much, I would absolutely tell her she needs to stop contacting me. But honestly, I doubt I will hear much from her ever again. In the past 2 months she has reached out twice. And those are for her own selfish reasons I'm sure.

Perhaps I missed her more than a year ago when she moved out but even then it had more to do with me living on my own again for the first time in a decade. I do, however, miss the life we had but the person she was then is gone as of almost 2 years now. That person isn't coming back.

Being without her isn't something I struggle with. That is part of the reason I don't see any point posting much here anymore. I've gotten as far as I can when it comes to the situation with XW. My self improvement continues forever but I have gotten all the help I can get from you guys.

I will post if there are any updates regarding XW but that is mostly so others can learn how WWs can behave, even years after BD.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 04:05 PM
Hi Ben,

Glad to hear from you, and to hear that your life is on a good track. Take care!
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 06:47 PM
Hey B!

I doubt there's much of an ulterior motive to your W reaching out, I think she just misses you. When she doesn't talk to you or see you for a while she starts missing you, and eventually she misses you enough to reach out (which she probably hates doing, so she's got to find some reason for it like the CBD oil). It's a product of your detachment. Now it doesn't mean she wants to recon, she's just trying to hang on a little bit in case she decides that's what she wants later.

^^Nothing scientific about that, it's just my intuition based on some similar situations.

Originally Posted by BenB
I don't think we will ever R or even be friends at some point. I've come to the realization that she views me more as a parent.


You've probably heard me say it before but I really do believe that most marriages never recon because eventually the LBS decides it's not what they want. After we go through the healing and growth process, many of us come to the realization that regardless of who the WAS was when we married them, they are no longer that person and no longer who we want to spend our life with.

Quote
I'll probably be posting less on this forum, even less that I have been now. My full focus is on my work out, I've gotten so far that I am considering perhaps competing in the next few years. But we'll see about that. I'm turning 40 in less than a month and I'm proud of myself for keeping this up, in February 2 years since BD.


Outstanding! I really thought about competing in amateur bodybuilding about a year ago, but Covid has really set back my progress a lot. I'm not getting any younger either and finding it harder to stay trim. Congrats on your upcoming bday! I will be 60 in June, can hardly believe it.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/17/20 06:54 PM
Originally Posted by BenB
Thank you Steve,

I agree with a lot you say but her reaching out gives me zero hope that she wants to R, nor am I keeping my ear to the ground hoping she will come back.

If at any point it would become too much, I would absolutely tell her she needs to stop contacting me. But honestly, I doubt I will hear much from her ever again. In the past 2 months she has reached out twice. And those are for her own selfish reasons I'm sure.

Perhaps I missed her more than a year ago when she moved out but even then it had more to do with me living on my own again for the first time in a decade. I do, however, miss the life we had but the person she was then is gone as of almost 2 years now. That person isn't coming back.

Being without her isn't something I struggle with. That is part of the reason I don't see any point posting much here anymore. I've gotten as far as I can when it comes to the situation with XW. My self improvement continues forever but I have gotten all the help I can get from you guys.

I will post if there are any updates regarding XW but that is mostly so others can learn how WWs can behave, even years after BD.





I am glad to hear all of this! What I went through for so long I wouldn't wish on anyone....including my worst enemy.

Onward and upward, Ben!
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 11/18/20 07:17 PM
Thank you CW, AS and Steve,

Completely agree, what we have been through is so shocking and unexpected and not something you would wish on anyone! Yet at the same time, we wouldn't be the better versions of ourselves we are without the experience. It's interesting how life works this way.

And how unfortunate most people won't see these situations as opportunities to grow and learn.
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 12/01/20 10:24 AM
Hey everyone,

Wanted to recommend a GAL activity that has helped me tremendously these past few weeks. Ice bathing! If it is cold where you live and you can swim somewhere, I couldn´t recommend it more. Helps me clear my mind and just feel great the rest of the day. I did cryotherapy for this reason as well but that is quite expensive and the effect from bathing lasts much longer.

Just remember never to do it alone if you are outdoor and practice your breathing technique. Biggest mistake is to get out of the water before your get your breathing under control. My new goal now is to do it once a week and then next month travel up north where I can do it proper freezing temperatures. I've also found an outdoor swimming club that I've joined so great way to meet other people.
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 02/01/21 02:01 PM
I don't have many updates usually since we are living separate lives but will update every once in a while anyway

XW reached out last month for a kitchen appliance that was given as a gift to us but she considers hers and said she can come pick it up and mentioned she would love to see the dog as well. I had forgotten all about it since I never use it. But I told her I can send it to her instead. She seemed annoyed by that answer and wrote "Okay.........."

About two weeks ago I wired her the last of the money I owed her in our divorce settlement and sent her a list of all wires. She responded a week later and again asked for the kitchen device. I apologized for not sending it yet but said I will. She responded that I can take my time since she doesn't need it but again offered to come to my place and get it. I responded that I don't think we should ever see or speak to each other ever again.

Her next email she wrote "Oh okay...that's sad to hear"

A day or so later I spontaneously went out with a friend to a restaurant and then to a bar where we ran into some mutual friends. Suddenly I hear someone yell my name. I turn around and it is XW's best friend who runs up and gives me the biggest hug. 

Friend:  It's soo good to see you! I've missed you so much! How are you?

We talk a bit and she keeps saying so many nice things about me.

Friend: I told XW multiple times that she will NEVER find another man like you! Ever!!

Me: That is very sweet of you to say, thank you.

Friend: no, really! And Ben, you are the best, XW says so many nice things about you! She said you've handled this better than any man ever could!

Me: That's nice to hear

Friend: And you know, I know she changed a lot but you should know, she never cheated on you!! 

Me: You mean besides bringing a man into our home and having sex with him?

When I said this, her face turned white as a ghost and jaws dropped. And I realize, she hasn't told her friend. I was stunned. I mean, now that I think of it, it goes against her values so much so it doesn't surprise me she wants to keep that perfect image of herself to everyone but this is her best friend, she was maid of honor at our wedding.

Friend: What!!!?? Is this true?

Me: I assumed you knew. 

Friend: Oh my god. When, how?

Me: Does it really matter? It was shortly before I told her to move out and it was while I was out of town. 

I could see her head trying to make sense of it all. Her eyes teared up and she hugged me. 

Me: Hey, it's fine, I'm ok.  This is a while ago now. I wish her nothing but the best.

We talked a bit more and she kept repeating "wow, there really are two sides to every story, I can't believe this" 

Throughout this time, I have made sure never to ask anyone anything about her. Never when I have met our mutual friends, never when her dad has reached out to me, never when her sister or sister's boyfriend messaged me. Not once have I mentioned her name to anyone. I know my family still follows her on social media but I have never asked them or even been tempted to look. But as I'm sitting there with friend of XW, she keeps telling me all these things about her and I realize, I don't care. I don't care where she lives, what she is doing. 

The only time I raised an eyebrow was when she said XW often grabs her phone to watch my stories on Instagram since I have blocked her. But that comes as no surprise either. Especially not after reading what Sandi wrote to Pack in her latest post.

All she is to me now is someone I used to know.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 02/01/21 02:19 PM
Ben, excellent update! I think you handled everything perfectly, though I would send that appliance ASAP so that she doesn't keep pushing coming over.

Funny how cheaters will still try to keep their cheating quiet. Just goes to show that even the worst among us know that cheating is wrong. I would have loved to see her friend's face when you dropped that bomb! Had to be priceless.

Keep on keeping on, Ben!
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 02/01/21 03:39 PM
Dang!! That is hilarious!

Ben, you da man on this, I gotta say! You stood tall and look at you now. You are man that has my respect.

Also, the ice bathing thing is interesting so I'm going to read more on that. Even though I wish to be a tropical man outside of duck season, I like the mental push you're talking about there.
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 02/01/21 08:02 PM
Thank you Steve and ovrnbw,

I really didn't realize I was dropping a bomb at the time. I thought her friend was saying this because I had told XW in the beginning of July 2019 that I don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore and I would like for her to move out. Even though I agree she cheated as we still lived together and were married, I have always made sure I don't use that word in front of her since should would most likely get defensive and claim I had broken up with her a few months prior.

XW knows she did something wrong and I know she felt guilt about it. But I'm glad I had this short interaction with her friend and it was a great night out all in all.

ovrnbw - I have been doing the ice bathing every weekend now. More and more of my friends are joining me. I have never seen anything like it. No matter how bad your day is, once you get into that water, your mind clears up immediately. I try to meditate once a day but when I'm in that water, it's all I can think about. And the best thing - it's free!

I was fearing the spring and summer but fortunately there as some spa places here where you can do ice bathing indoor for a small fee.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 02/01/21 08:36 PM
Hi Ben,

Great update! That encounter was hilarious and so glad your life is going well free of her drama. That her best friend doesn't know, means it's unlikely she's done much self-work to change and grow.

Originally Posted by Ben
Just remember never to do it alone if you are outdoor and practice your breathing technique. Biggest mistake is to get out of the water before your get your breathing under control.

I'm going to look into this ice bathing! I have a shared pool I use with a 3-month season. I use a wetsuit to cheat and get a few more months out of it. Never thought of using it for cryotherapy.
Posted By: BenB Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 02/02/21 09:10 AM
Thank you CW! And you're right, I don't think she's worked on herself at all. It's still all about her and her happiness.

One thing about ice bathing is that it's highly addictive! It's now become such a trend here that people are complaining that it's all they ever see on anyone's Instagram smile I hate freezing but I decided I would be open to new experiences once XW moved out so I pushed myself to say yes when a friend asked if I wanted to join the first time and that was it! Now I look forward to it every week. Good luck and let me know how it was when you try it!
Posted By: Mumin Re: Single man from Scandinavia - 02/04/21 06:09 PM
Had a swim today.
I have a sauna by the sea in my area so that helped wink
Seriously, also really like the cold/ice bath. So invigorating!
Did a couple without sauna during the fall.
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