I'm lost - what happened?

[BB205]

I had a thead- what happened- but I am not a forum gal. I don't get it so here is the situation

My H of 37 years was " lost and disconnected " I have for a long time, had depression issues. He joined a recreational club in our new town and apparently made a " friend" that turned into a PA. This went on for about 18 months - and I believed they were friends. they were more than that.
I am committed to being married and he is sorry and has no more contact with her, due to my 'Change' - sex IMO
My Anniversary is in two days, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Card? Gift? 2X 4? HELP

[Valeska19]

That being said, he left me because I gained weight because of my deep depression. I didn't love my self - therefore he didn't love me. I have lost 45 lbs and I now do CrossFit 3 days a week. I feel better and did a 180 and I am loving myself. I started IC and have requested to him to do MC. we are intimate and feel hopeful we can get through this rough patch. Any suggestions are welcome and I invite positive comments.

Is this a lie that he told you or you told yourself? Either way - It is just cr@p.

I am committed to being married and he is sorry and has no more contact with her, due to my 'Change' - sex IMO

I didn't see your responses to other's questions. Did you take an STD test? Why are you having physical intimacy so soon? It's not unusual for betrayed spouses to set a physical boundary for awhile until healing has happened. Much more healing that what I am seeing in your threads.

What boundaries have you established with him??

My Anniversary is in two days, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Card? Gift? 2X 4? HELP

Don't initiate anything with him. Let him pursue you. If he wants to do something - feel free to come back on the board and ask our thoughts about it. But IMO - you do nothing. It's gonna feel weird, even wrong, but I am seeing a little bit too much pursuit on your end.

Ending contact is a good first step... but the real work is the reasons behind his choice to go outside the marriage. Anything short of that - is just breadcrumbs and will ultimately not heal the relationship.

[SteveLW]

Previous thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=63039&Number=2901595#Post2901595

[SteveLW]

My Anniversary is in two days, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Card? Gift? 2X 4? HELP

Tough to say, you haven't given us much of an update. Where do things stand? Did he have to earn his way back or did you out of fear just let him waltz right back? What are his actions towards the marriage?

Did you insist he get tested for STDs before your "change" IE having sex with him?

[BB205]

My 'Change " happened in June 19. Happy, intimate, and ' I thought " all was ok.

Apparently, his affair started in March 19 because he was " lost and unhappy " although it was not apparent to me. I have had depression in the past, but I have overcome the problem and have lost 43 lbs and am GAL since 12/19.

I thought everything was ok after 10/19 but he continued his relationship. his OW came to my holiday home while I was away 2/19. he states that was a big mistake, as he was wanting to end the relationship. I have had testing done ( after BD 6/20) testing 2 weeks ago - and am waiting for the results. He admitted to me his affair 6/10 . He is remorseful and trying to make it work.

We are both committed to making it work. we don't want a divorce....

[Valeska19]

.We are both committed to making it work. we don't want a divorce....

What does "commitment to making it work" look like to you? To him?

[BB205]

I don't know what it means to him, honestly. I want to stay married and have a great relationship
. how do I approach this concept to him? I need help

[Valeska19]

I don't know what it means to him, honestly. I want to stay married and have a great relationship
. how do I approach this concept to him? I need help

Wants/Goals are fine and a great start... but need to be followed with actions. What are the ACTIONS you are taking that says "I am committed to making this work"?

In the same way - what ACTIONS is your H taking? What ACTIONS does he need to take in order to rebuild that trust that was broken between you?

[BB205]

Steve85
We have had s*x almost daily since 11/19. including before and after his "friend" came to my vacation home in Feb when I was away with some Girlfriends. He said she was with another friend, but she ended up in my condo. UGH. Red FLAG!!! but I Trusted him. I don't know what to do. He is so sorry to have hurt me, but I have to question his commitment

[BB205]

Valeska19. I don't know what actions I need. Him wearing a ring? He does now ~that's new. Talking to me kindly? ~that's new are these actions? I feel he's changed and is kinder to me... is that ok?

[BB205]

I asked him to do MC or IC. no way.. I have started IC for me. I find it not really helpful. we need MC. As much as he hates the thought. In the past, many years ago, he was called a bully by the the counselor , and he is hesitant to continue any counseling
He is a bully to our kids and me
The crazy thing is, he has always been so perfect, the perfect son, the perfect husband and has done the job perfectly ... but he is a cheater and a liar so I hate him. this is not what I signed up for 40 years ago. Happy Anniversary to me. I hate him.

[Valeska19]

I asked him to do MC or IC. no way.. I have started IC for me. I find it not really helpful. we need MC. As much as he hates the thought. In the past, many years ago, he was called a bully by the the counselor , and he is hesitant to continue any counseling

IC takes a little bit to get started but it works... if you work it. How do you feel about him saying no to counseling?

He is a bully to our kids and me

This is scary. What boundaries to you have in place to stop this?

The crazy thing is, he has always been so perfect, the perfect son, the perfect husband and has done the job perfectly ... but he is a cheater and a liar so I hate him. this is not what I signed up for 40 years ago. Happy Anniversary to me. I hate him.

No one is perfect. Especially one who bullies his wife and children.

You said you didn't know what actions to take. Ask yourself this. What does a happy marriage look like to you? Do you want to feel safe in your marriage? Well what does that look like?

Or maybe you want to have trust in your marriage? What would that look like?

These are great questions to explore with your IC btw. Perhaps this IC may not be a good fit for you (I don't know) but I can certainly say that IC can help you start thinking about what YOU need in order for this marriage to work for YOU.

Once you determine that - you can ask H to help. He can say yes, no, or maybe negotiate an alternative but know that whatever he decides is info for you on what he is willing to do to reconcile...

Wearing a ring does NOT equal real change. Being kinder... is something he should do in the first place. I'm not saying to not put value to these things... but do not give them more value than they deserve.

[Ready2Change]

My Opinion:

Your H should be jumping through hoops to keep you. He cheated and lied to you. He manipulates you.


These "hoops" are your non-negotiable "What will it take for you to forgive me" actions he needs to do to make you feel safe in your relationship.

Only you can decided what those are. You can take suggestions from this website and posters.

These have worked for others. You can use them as an idea of what you want:


1) No future contact with Affair partner
2) Full transparency - (You have full access to all electronic devices and all passwords)
3) MC
4) Answers any questions you have about any details of the Affair.


It is best that you do not tell him this list. Make him work to come up with ideas....ie:

H:"Will you ever forgive me?"
W:"I am not sure. I want to trust you. How can you prove to me you are telling me the truth?"
H:"Bla bla bla"
W:"That is a good start, but I am not sure that will do it. How about you think about it for a few days and get back to me."



Finding a good IC takes work. Kinda like dating, if this one isn't helping, start interviewing for a better one.



I wish you well.

[SteveLW]

My Opinion:

Your H should be jumping through hoops to keep you. He cheated and lied to you. He manipulates you.


These "hoops" are your non-negotiable "What will it take for you to forgive me" actions he needs to do to make you feel safe in your relationship.

Only you can decided what those are. You can take suggestions from this website and posters.

These have worked for others. You can use them as an idea of what you want:


1) No future contact with Affair partner
2) Full transparency - (You have full access to all electronic devices and all passwords)
3) MC
4) Answers any questions you have about any details of the Affair.


It is best that you do not tell him this list. Make him work to come up with ideas....ie:

H:"Will you ever forgive me?"
W:"I am not sure. I want to trust you. How can you prove to me you are telling me the truth?"
H:"Bla bla bla"
W:"That is a good start, but I am not sure that will do it. How about you think about it for a few days and get back to me."



Finding a good IC takes work. Kinda like dating, if this one isn't helping, start interviewing for a better one.



I wish you well.

I agree with RC, but I do want to say be careful with #4. #4, while it sounds like it might help, can be extremely painful for you. What I encourage is for you to decide whether or not an affair is a dealbreaker for you. Most LBS that get cheated on go into FIGHT mode. The other option is flight. No one would blame you for saying "I cannot see myself ever trusting this person again, so I am moving on from them." It is a valid option. To me the one valid reason for D is an unfaithful spouse.