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4 weeks separated

Posted By: rachel75

4 weeks separated - 08/09/20 04:05 PM

Hi,
I have been married to my H for almost 9 years (together for a couple of years before that) and we have 3 kids together. We have had a rocky relationship and I have asked him to go to counseling over the last few months especially but he thinks it is pointless. 4 weeks ago we had an argument that ended in him leaving, saying he wants a divorce. Since then he has been back a handful of times to see the kids. At first I was doing all the begging, pleading, etc. but have laid off in the last 2 weeks and do not initiate contact. I also have not asked anything else about the marriage or his life. It has been very difficult because I work part time and homeschool and am the one taking care of the 3 kids while his out doing who knows what. Then he gets to pop in and be the "fun parent" and play with them. He has not started divorce paperwork, but has been saying he will for weeks. I have read the book and am familiar with the 180. Any further advice would be great!
Posted By: job

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/09/20 08:40 PM

rachel,

I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. Please visit the links when you have a moment. They have lots of invaluable info in them.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM.
Me-66, D33,S32
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/09/20 08:44 PM

Rachel

So sorry you are here. Im 4.5 months in and just had the D convo and looks like my H has started papers.

As a mum to two kids and having experienced what you have, i would say concentrate on your kids and you. Take time to have a relationship with them. Mine has become amazing over this period of time.

Its tough, keep busy, but if you have someone to help With the kids accept the help. I dont and there were days at the beginning where i could have really done With support, so i could be at home on my own For a bit.

How are you feeling?
Posted By: Thornton

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/09/20 08:51 PM

Sorry youíre here, Rachel.

Itís highly likely your H is having an affair. Is that a deal-breaker for you?

Iím regards to what you should be doing, I think you are now on the right track. Stay NC unless itís about your children.
Do you have any family that could assist with your kids so you can take a break or go out and do something for yourself?
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/09/20 10:13 PM

Thank you for the responses. I do know he is speaking to someone else, but claims it is innocent and that she has been through something similar recently and they "get along." We have been through him cheating before so it would not surprise me. In the past I said if it happened again, it would be a deal breaker but I honestly don't know if that is true. That sounds terrible when I say it aloud/type it. I have been doing my best to stop tracking him via our joint google acounts/bank accounts, etc but it is hard. I am also really hurting seeing our kids confused and hurting with him being gone. They just dont understand what is going on (they are 3, 6, 8 years old). He has proposed a possible custody plan-where he has the kids every other weekend and will see them sometimes in between when we agree on it. What should I do in the interim? Do I just leave when he has them on "his weekend?" (at our house) Do I let him come at in between times/do I just leave and give him space when that happens. Really having a hard time keeping my shi* together for my kids.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/10/20 11:51 PM

Found out he is also using something called Dust app, which is like a secretive texting app that deletes everything.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/10/20 11:52 PM

I have not been around him so wouldn't even be able to check his phone, so not sure why he feels this is necessary. smirk
Posted By: Cadet

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/11/20 12:08 AM

Originally Posted by rachel75
I have not been around him so wouldn't even be able to check his phone, so not sure why he feels this is necessary. smirk

Think like a teenager
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/11/20 12:36 AM

Originally Posted by Rachel
It has been very difficult because I work part time and homeschool and am the one taking care of the 3 kids while his out doing who knows what. Then he gets to pop in and be the "fun parent" and play with them.

Hi Rachel,

Sorry to hear about your situation, and the likely affair. smirk A couple things crossed my mind. I know they're not your key questions at this point--just food for though.

First, if being the 100% parent is new to you, do finances allow you to hire help so you can take breaks? This could be childcare so you can go out solo--but it could also be a cleaning service or a laundry service. Anything that allows you a break!

Second, if he's leaving you with most of the childcare responsibilities, he would be expected to pay big in a divorce. If he's not paying for the home or some other reasonable amount now, I'd consider filing for temporary support payments before long.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/11/20 01:20 AM

I have normally been the one doing most of the parenting-I have been homeschooling since my eldest (now 8) was in Kindergarten and I also take care of 99 percent of household tasks and clean houses part time. I only bring in a few hundred a month from that, so it is not enough to hire help. But I do have a good support system in place with our families. His parents know somewhat what is going on and are extremely supportive of me and ready to help in any way they can. We are still sharing an income since he just moved out a month ago and I have always been the one to control the finances, so he wouldn't even know how to log into our bank accounts. He did inquire about our finances today because he is looking into getting an apartment in the near future.

I really just can't believe it is over. But can't bring myself to back off/stop fighting completely when we see each other. This is really hard.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/11/20 02:22 AM

Also just realized I repeated one of my other posts a lot. Oops. smile
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/11/20 06:04 AM

Hey Rachel

Sounds very much like my story, i look after the finance, but i also work and earn a reasonable amount. He doesnt have access to most of our money, which is great as his spending is ridiculous.

Things are happening fast for you and for now this is over, ok and please try to accept that he wont snap out of it overnight and that yes you can easily get to D. I know its rubbish, im just further along in this and please believe me that i have done all the tracking and so on. Its devastating when it happens.

Call upon your family, gal as much as you can, spend time with the kids, yes they will be confused, its so important that they have a consistent sane adult in their lives and that is you!

Take care of you, have a bath, watch a movie. Act as if you are moving on and happy. Fake it until you make it!
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/11/20 07:56 AM

Just to add, dont snoop, dont ask questions about his life, i act totally disinterested around my H, dont ask where he goes, what his plans are, only ever ask on the days When he takes the kids, so i know the whereabouts.

What i find is the less i ask the more he drops things into convo, about the ow, broken toe, health issues, work and so on. I just nod, where needed validate.

Act as if he is your neighbour who likes a good chat, but you arent all that interested, but always polite.

Hang in there, promise it gets better!
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/12/20 03:54 PM

This weekend is supposed to be his first weekend with the kids. He does not have a permanent place to stay so will be with them at our house. I am debating going somewhere for the weekend to get away. As hard as it is to be with him, I don't know that I'll be able to enjoy myself if I go somewhere.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/12/20 06:23 PM

Im sure someone else would advice, personally i wouldnt go away unless i wanted to, but would plan my own stuff, seeing friends, taking a good book and sitting somewhere beautiful and enjoying the weather. Even if you are at home for periods of time whilst he is there, i would just crack on with my own stuff.
Posted By: Steve85

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/13/20 12:40 PM

Originally Posted by rachel75
This weekend is supposed to be his first weekend with the kids. He does not have a permanent place to stay so will be with them at our house. I am debating going somewhere for the weekend to get away. As hard as it is to be with him, I don't know that I'll be able to enjoy myself if I go somewhere.


As Gigi said, you do what you want to do. Getting away sounds like a GREAT idea. But if you decide you don't want to get away, then just stay and do what you want to do.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/13/20 09:40 PM

I decided to just go stay in a hotel for 2 nights with a friend. Relax, eat, drink, etc. I have only been away 1 night in the last 4 years so I hope it helps me process things.
Posted By: IronWill

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/13/20 11:28 PM

Hi Rachel.

Yes you are right. This is very hard.

The best thing you can do is to stop reacting to his need to fight. He needs to see you as the "bad" person, so he is going to provoke you into fights and test you.

Don't fall for it.

Early in my situation, a friend told me something that changed my perspective.

"You cannot fight someone who does not fight back."

Its going to take some getting used to, because it is counter-intuitive, but leave him alone. Focus on you and your kids. Be the best parent you can be.

Sorry you are here but you're in a good place with a lot of very helpful people.

Take care - stay strong smile
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/14/20 01:50 AM

Hi Rachel. Reading your posts took me right back to my BD three years ago. I remember all too well being where you are at. My H was living a secret life...did not admit to an OW until they were literally engaged..shortly after we finalized a legal separation agreement.

Iím not sure what advice to give you other than what people have said. Focus on you. No R talks. Be happy and busy whenever you see him and above all, fake it until you make it. I faked it for a long time and forced myself to get out even when I only felt like lying in my room with my covers over my head. It was really hard but it did get easier over time. Eventually, I wasnít faking it anymore.

I remember the morning I woke up and he wasnít the first thing I thought of...and when I went to bed for the first time and he wasnít the last thing I thought of. Or the first morning he came to pick up my daughter for tutoring and I was so busy getting ready in my room I actually forgot he was coming. Those were such milestone moments for me and when I finally started to believe there might actually be a life out there for me that didnít involve being married to him. If you work at it, you will have those milestone moments as well.

I donít know if you will reconcile with your H. But I do know that if you do, it will probably be a lot further down the road than you care to imagine. This is why it is so important to focus on you and getting your life together without him. If he does come back, you will be a better version or yourself and in a good position to build a new MR. But if he never comes back, you will still be further ahead because even though you wonít have saved your marriage, you will have saved yourself. Btw... Iíve been officially divorced for nine months now and I can tell you with absolute certainty that there IS life after divorce and it can be a really, really good one. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/21/20 08:44 PM

I went on a weekend trip and it was good to get away. Have not spoken to my husband much and haven't initiated much at all. He did fill out an application for an apartment, which I discovered because it alerted me there was a hard hit on his credit report (I handle all the finances). He said it was too expensive & he is looking into other options. Today he asked me how we will split up the bank accounts, what we should do. I told him that is to be decided in court and is not something we really need to do now.

To my knowledge, he has not filed for divorce. He is kind of lazy and I feel like it will take him a while to start the actual process.
I don;t know how to act around him when he asks things like this. Just act casual and normal and divide our assets?

He locked his keys in his truck yesterday and asked me to drive an hour to bring his spare set. I did not and his mom had to bring them instead. Things like this annoy me. He can treat me like crap and then still expect me to bail him out. smirk Today he mentioned that we have been treating each other better the last week or 2, so I guess that is a good thing. When he mentioned dividing our bank accounts, I really wanted to beg him to come back home and try, but I left the house instead.

I am sure all of this sounds like rambling. Thanks for listening.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/22/20 05:43 PM

The girl he is "not talking to like that" changed her fb status to in a relationship. Honestly, I just feel like dying right now. I don't know how to get through this, especially while caring for 3 kids and keeping my sh*t together.
Posted By: IronWill

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/22/20 06:42 PM

Hi Rachel ,

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. It absolutely does hurt, you're right to feel that way.

Have you decided if you are standing for your marriage? That is the first and most important thing to do as far as DB is concerned.

If you have decided to stand, it is important that you leave him alone. He is going to be making some very bad decisions, ones that will not make any sense to you.

Also - the reason people tell you to leave him alone and not snoop what he is doing is because of what just happened - you saw her SM post and it sent you reeling, right? Your job is to get yourself off that rollercoaster.

The WAS is acting on a flush of hormones and emotions, and they are extremely irrational. My advice is to stop looking at what he is doing on social media, stop asking him any kind of questions unless it is related to the well-being of the kids, and do not have any relationship talks.

You cannot control what he is going to do.

You can, however, control what YOU do.

Have you read DB or DR yet? They are both invaluable resources.

Focus on your kids and yourself. Be the best parent you can be.

You CAN do this smile

Take care.
Posted By: Sage4

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/22/20 07:08 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this, Rachel.

I second everything that IronWill said above.

From a mother's perspective, I know all too well that sickening feeling of discovering the 'truth' from a lying husband in the midst of an affair and having all those little kids around to have to take care of. All you want to do is curl up in a ball and sob and wail at the injustice of it all. But then who would take care of the kids? It is absolutely one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. It is SO UNFAIR.

Do you have family or friends around? I know that on this board and DBing in general suggests keeping fairly tight lips on what you are going through, but I needed the support of friends and family to get through those really hard moments. Someone to watch the kids so you could drive to a parking lot and cry. Or a girlfriend to come over after the kids were asleep and let you sob on her shoulders. At my lowest point, my brother and his family came up to stay with me for a week and they cooked and cleaned and loved on my children so that I could just survive. My depression and sadness was so acute that I went to my dr and told him everything and was given some support and tools to get through the following few months.

Be easy on yourself. You don't have to keep your sh*t together. You just have to get through the next 5 minutes. Your body will go into auto-mode and you will put food on the table for the kids, you will bathe them and put them in bed and then you will have some time alone to process or not. It is OK if you are not the best mother at the moment (I beat myself up over this until someone on this board gave me permission to absolve myself of that guilt). You will get that back, I promise.

And although I am not too far ahead of you on this process, you will survive this, I promise.

Hugs
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/22/20 11:24 PM

Sage gives very sage advice...lol. Sorry...couldnít help myself. Definitely lean on family and friends if you can. That certainly helped in my sitch. Always felt better after I had spent time with someone else instead of being alone with my thoughts all of the time.

Also...Sage mentioned going to the doctor. I did that as well when my anxiety and sadness were at their peak. She put me on an AD that was also an anti-anxiety med. I think it helped. She also prescribed a few Ativan for those really sleepless nights. I think I was on them for about four or five months before I weaned myself off. I cannot say for sure that it helped but looking back, it sure seemed to.

Hang in there. Stay strong. You can get through this. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/24/20 07:26 PM

Thank you so much. This really helped me, all 3 of you. I have been considering going to the doctor, but I really did not like AD in the past. Maybe I should see if something else could help though. (anti anxiety meds maybe?)

I do have family, but my family doesn't know what is going on with us. His family is fairly in the loop and very supportive of me. That is encouraging, but I do try not to talk too many details with them.

I know I need to stop snooping. It is SO hard. Especially when I know how to access all of his stuff. I'm going to make that my goal for this week.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/24/20 07:27 PM

Oh. and yes, I am going to stand for my marriage. I obviously don't want it the way it has been lately, but I do want to fight to fix it and stay married.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/24/20 08:12 PM

Great goal Rachel. Definitely stop snooping. It will do you no good whatsoever. And trust me...what you imagine from the small amount of information you gain from it will be ten times worse than the reality. You cannot control what he does or what happens with this woman so do not even try. It will turn you into someone you donít want to be and make things even harder. Take your focus off of him and put it on you and your kids. He is going to do what he is going to do regardless. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/28/20 07:05 PM

This coming Monday is my youngest daughter's 3rd birthday. This weekend is also supposed to be my husband's second weekend with the kids. The informal agreement is that he has them every other weekend and can see them on some in between times when we agree upon it. On his last weekend, I went out of town and left them alone. I can't afford to do that again so I am going to stay here at the house while he is here (he does not have an apartment yet and has been living with a friend). Since DD birthday is Monday, I suggested we do some of her birthday things this weekend so he can be involved.

I can handle being around him as long as he is being civil, but I have a REALLY hard time not feeling sick when I see him on his phone. I just imagine him messaging the girl he is talking to and have to force myself to not check his phone. Any advice on dealing with that this weekend? I know I need to not bring her up and pretend she does not exist. He still claims it is a friendship and nothing beyond. She also has 3 children and I am not sure whether she has been married before. They met because she was dating one of his friends a few months ago.

He is making little effort to contact the kids throughout the week. He promised in the beginning to call every night at bedtime and talk to them, but has only done that a handful of times. It makes me so angry as they just don't understand why he isn't here. It has gotten so bad that my youngest told me she "doesn't have a daddy anymore." The only time he mentions coming to see them during the week is if I bring up that he has barely spoken to them. At this point, I usually just tell him no, that he can wait for his weekend to see them. When he is here all he seems to do is turn on the tv anyway. I think half the reason I want to resolve this asap is just so they can stop hurting and being confused.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/28/20 08:10 PM

No easy answer Rachel. Yes...absolutely do NOT bring her up. That is a cheeseless tunnel as they like to say around here. It will get you nowhere and only increase the tension and resentment between you and your H. And DO NOT check his phone...not under any circumstances. Another cheeseless tunnel that will only hurt you in the long run. Focus on your daughter and do not waste time watching him and trying to figure out what he is doing.

Also...I don't know the exact details of your arrangement with your H in terms of him being at the house but is there any reason he can't just come over and take her out? Does he have to stay with you or be in the house? I would also steer clear of family outings for now too if I were you. I know it feels like it is better for your D but it really isn't. It sends confusing messages and it is also really, really hard for the LBS to maintain their "everything is okay with me" stance when it is such early days and there is an AP involved. IMO, it is needless self-torture.

I remember early on in my sitch, my XH had our kids out on our (now his) boat. I was at home and had plans to do some yard work and go to my sister's for dinner. He texted me to see if I wanted to join them on the boat to go check crab traps. If I had fully understood DBing at the time, I would have politely declined and went ahead with my plans. But...I really wanted to spend some time on the boat and at that stage (first few weeks) I still had hope that we could reconcile (he was not admitting to OW and was still calling it a "break") so I said okay. The boat ride was nice, felt like old times, but then afterward he dropped me off at my car and then took the kids to the pumpkin patch as he had originally planned. In my head, I had pictured us going out on the boat and then him inviting me to continue on with him and the kids. When that didn't happen, I was devastated and I ended up sending him a nasty text that I later on regretted. He apologized and seemed quite shocked that I was upset...said he had felt GUILTY about being on the boat without me and was "reaching out" (translation...to alleviate his guilt, not because he wanted me there). Anyway...I learned a big lesson that day. The first was to stick with my plans and the second one was that I needed to let go of any expectations I had of him and his behaviour towards me. I also learned that I felt much better by myself than I did when we were spending time as a "family" because the whole time I felt like it was a lie and I would either feel sad or mad or some combination of both and it would end up being a big setback.

Only you know your situation and your own level of tolerance so you should do what you think is right. Just take my advice for what it is worth...from someone who has walked a mile in your shoes and made all kinds of mistakes. Also someone who, two years later, is divorced and loving her life. I NEVER for a second thought I would get there when I was at the stage you are at. Hopefully just knowing that you can survive and even thrive after something like this is of some comfort to you. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/28/20 08:29 PM

Hi Rachel

5 months in here and doing well. I will second no snooping, like literally stay away from his phone, if you see it walk the other way. You need to work on letting go of control. Yes he is their father but you cant make him see them more often, dont guilt him, you need to concentrate on being the best mum you can be for them, regardless of what he does or doesnt do. I read you post and i remember me, i wanted to do things together for the kids, but it was desperate and it didnt matter to the kids in the end. They live with me, we do cool stuff all the time, they see their dad whenever and i found they often are disinterested. It is his relationship with the kids and not your responsibility to maintain, just make sure yours is solid.

Again the setup with family support was exactly how it was for me. I cant tell you what a relief it was to tell my family. Huge difference, as there is no conflict of interest. His family will always be his, you can maintain a neutral relationship with them for the kids. I no longer speak to Mil about my h, only about me and the kids. It works well, neutral and respectful.



Ah the tv thing, same here....we have a no gadget rule during the week, so when h is here and gadgets come out i just collect them all at the end of the day.

Dejavu is D and there is life after D, im 5 months in and H hasnt filed yet and im alive and well and enjoying life.


Do i want us to recon, if he is willing to change and go through his crisis then yes of course, i dont want you to think that im doing well because i dont care anymore, i simply accepted the situation.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/28/20 08:48 PM

I suppose he could take her out, but he can't put her carseat in his car and would have to take my van, leaving me here at the house. He is supposed to be with them the whole weekend so i don't think he would settle for less. So it's either I find something to do for the whole weekend or I let him take my van and do whatever (aka spend lots of $), or I hang out at home while he is here.
Maybe it was dumb of me to suggest doing birthday things for her together. I may try to leave for 1 of the nights and go stay at a friend's and just do my daughter's gifts, etc together. I shouldn't really be moving things around to cater to him anyway-he is the one who said he would have them just every other weekend so that is his own fault that he won't be here Monday on her birthday. He has talked about doing birthdays together in the future, but I dont know if I am at that point yet.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 08/28/20 09:15 PM

I think he can do what he likes tbh and he needs to work out logistics if he want to take her. You need to carry on doing what you plan, be it staying there, staying at a friends or just being out during the day.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/08/20 07:40 PM

Well today i found proof he is in a PA with OW. I feel like I can't breathe. I mean, i saw this coming. still can't breathe. of course he is denying it all and asking how i know. Saw messages of them kissing and talking about how pathetic it is I had checked his facebook (which is where i saw all this coincidentally).
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/08/20 07:41 PM

Just feeling really vengeful right now. He makes money in a not so legal way and I am really tempted to call the police and report him and the place they are both staying. He said he would stop selling these things and obviously still hasn't. At the moment I am so hurt and angry and just want to hurt him back.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/08/20 07:46 PM

I did not tell him how i knew, but he kept pressing. i am sure he figured it out.
Posted By: Thornton

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/08/20 08:00 PM

Slow down, Rachel.

You are running on pure adrenaline right now. Now is not the time to make ANY decisions because you are so emotionally charged.

Allow yourself some time to process this information. In the meantime, don't engage with him, he will try and gaslight you (You checked my FB?! This is why I cheat on you!).
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/08/20 08:21 PM


Hi Rachel,

Sorry you found out. Just know many of us have been where you are. We understand your pain. Going through this process made me a better, stronger person. It is a process none of us wanted. Just know when you come out the other side, everything will be OK.

Take things one minutes at a time if needed. Focus on taking care of you during this phase.


HUGS
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/08/20 09:25 PM

Slow down Rachel and breathe.

Im sorry you are where so many of us have been or still are. I can only tell you that it gets easier!

For now dont do anything, dont make any decisions at all. Process the information, give yourself time. If you need help with kids, go to your family. I remember those times so well and the expectation thay you still somehow need to manage the house and the kids. Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 01:15 PM

When he first left 9 ish weeks ago, I would not immediately agree to divorce. So he asked, "If I cheat on you (again), will you?" I immediately said yes and he said that is what he may go do then. He later apologized for saying that. Guess he was already in the process though.
I realized he has been barely seeing the kids because he "has so much stuff to do" and has literally just been leaving to hang out with this girl. I at least feel a little bit better so far today, but the sadness/anger usually comes later in the day anyway.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 01:16 PM

Thank you for all of your replies. I am trying to slow down or even block my thinking about these things. I kept waking up in the night and fighting bad thoughts off because I knew they would send me down the rabbit trail.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 01:38 PM

Rachel

Im so sorry, i urge you to get help with little ones if you feel like you just want to go for A drive, stop in the car park and cry, sob, scream. Its ok to give into emotions, you just need to do it in private. You need to make sure that you are ok, this is your job number one! I remember feeling the same way re kids. Dont, it is well and truly on him how much time he spends or doesnt spend with kids. I dont tell the kids anymore if dad is coming to avoid disappointment, if he comes great if he doesnt they dont know any different.

I know its tricky, but i try and pretend that my H is a lodger (he stays at the house quiet a bit) i dont need to know where he is and what is he doing, as long as he fulfills all financial commitments.

Have you told your family yet?

Rachel its early days, but you will be ok, in fact you will be good, great even. I was reading Mays thread today and i was astonished by her strength and resolve. And some of the things that she has said where she has become so strong realising that her H is weak and she frankly doesnt want this. I promise you If he doesnt return you will feel the same.

You deserve to be with someone who truly wants to be with you, you deserve to be someone only plan, not plan b, your children deserve to see their mum loved and cherished. And if its not your H it will someone so much better for you!
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 03:31 PM

Gigi, I have not told my family yet and do not intend to do so until some point in the future. Maybe if/when he gets divorce papers? I just cannot handle their questions right now and concern. it will make me more stressed out. Unfortunately, all 3 kids and I seem to have come down with something and are sick so I wont be getting help this week, but thank God for tv! smile Thank you for your post. It is amazing to me how much words from someone I don't know can help me feel heard.

I blocked him on facebook so he cannot message me for now. Of course he can still phone. But I was in the habit of checking when he was active on fb, and it just wasn't helping me. He was only admitting "yes I kissed her" because that is the only proof I showed him. He didnt admit anything beyond that. I messaged and told him when he is ready to tell the truth, let me know. Then I blocked him. Yes I realize that is probably terrible DBing.

One thing I was thinking about-he has cheated a few times. We have been married almost 9 years. He started this relationship with the girl only 2 weeks after moving out. He seems to be unable to be alone. I wasn't making him feel wanted/loved, made him feel like he was a POS (because he was treating me like crap and I wasn't putting up with it), so he found someone to make him feel wanted. He has carried on other EA in the past and the revolving theme is that he just needs the attention, validation, etc. I get that it is nice to feel wanted, but really??

Side note-I know this girl doesn't know the real him and she is fooling herself if she thinks she can carry on a relationship with him for long. She has 3 kids also and no way in heck can he support her 3 kids and my 3 kids. I know if the relationship continues she will see how he actually is. Anyway, I'm just rambling.
Posted By: Sage4

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 03:44 PM

Rachel, I feel your pain. Discovery of an active affair is so heartbreaking. If you can't reach out to your family, are there other people in your life you can turn to for support? You shouldn't suffer this alone. Talking to other people may relieve the burden of handling all of this on your own.

Originally Posted by rachel75
One thing I was thinking about-he has cheated a few times. We have been married almost 9 years. He started this relationship with the girl only 2 weeks after moving out. He seems to be unable to be alone. I wasn't making him feel wanted/loved, made him feel like he was a POS (because he was treating me like crap and I wasn't putting up with it), so he found someone to make him feel wanted. He has carried on other EA in the past and the revolving theme is that he just needs the attention, validation, etc. I get that it is nice to feel wanted, but really??


This is absolute proof that it is all about HIM and not you. You did NOT break him. This is NOT your fault. I too have a needy H who has never been single in his life. Who needs copious amounts of validation and when I wasn't doing a good enough job of that (unbeknownst to me, of course), he sought attention elsewhere. I am not too far ahead of you, but what little I have learned about myself thus far is that in actuality, I don't want to be with a person who needs me to provide them with their sense of self, value, esteem or happiness (none of those things come from other people anyway... they are all things we have inside us). I am already raising 4 kids, that's enough work in that department. Not that these are helpful sentiments at this very moment in time, but maybe they can provide some guidance.

(((Rachel)))
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 04:55 PM

Originally Posted by rachel75
I messaged and told him when he is ready to tell the truth, let me know. Then I blocked him. Yes I realize that is probably terrible DBing.
This is great DBing!

You set a boundary with him. That is important.

"Never reveal WHAT you know or HOW you know. Only reveal that you DO KNOW."

Do not tolerate lies and deception.

A million ways to say this:

"We both know that is not true. I have better things to do than listen to your lies." Then exit the CONVO.


Stay strong Girl!

You can handle this.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 05:02 PM



I told 1 in real life friend early on in my sitch. He had already been through divorce and was a great support person. I also let my boss know what was going on. He was also supportive.

I suggest finding one "real" support person you can talk to in real life. Are you in IC? (individual counseling) That is also very helpful.

I spoke with my medical doctor and he prescribed some meds to help during those initial weeks. The sleeping pills were amazing. I took a bill, 30 minutes later out. 8 hours later would wake up, alert and ready for the day.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 06:40 PM

I understand about your family. My h family knew, but not mine and i was worried about his reputation, i was thinking i can ride it out and noone will know. It was the best decision to tell my mum! I dont know whT i was thinking not telling my family. If you Dont feel ready yet, do you have a friend, anyone at all you could just ring or txt to vent. Rachel its tough going on your own.

Do you still have relationship talks with him? Ask questions ? Dont, pretend you arent interested. Ok so when i had ic at the very beginning, she suggested treating him as if he is a patient, you might find him irritating, you might get angry, but you will never show and remain professional at all times. I know its difficult to do, but the more you try and the more it works.

Do you know he is an a@@еhole for cheating on you, you deserve better, your kids deserve better. I think db will be great for you To build you up! You dont need to think about saving you marriage, you need to save yourself and make sure those kids are good!
I hope you all feel better soon and please consider speaking to someone. Dont worry abiut his reputations, dont aorry about what people might think about him. If you ever recon, none of that would matter anyway and people around you will accept your choice.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 08:53 PM

Today we had a long talk where he finally confirmed he is in fact sleeping with her. Said he found someone who makes him happy, yet claims they are not in a "relationship" like that. He said after he told her all the terrible things he has done (to me), she still thought he was amazing. This is how their sexual relationship began... Of course she thinks he is "amazing." this is the honeymoon phase and he didn't do all of those things to her. He is telling me they aren't in a relationship but telling OW he told me they will likely be together long term. She is saying ILY, etc. Basically, he is being a scheming liar still and being one to her also. I don't know how he thinks someone he has known 8 weeks can make him happy. And i dont know how she thinks he wont just do the same thing to her. Ugh. I NEED to detach but keep backtracking.

I will try that idea Gigi-treating him like a patient. I think it will help. I do have a couple of friends I can talk to. One of them is actually his sister.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 09:01 PM

When I expressed hurt about him F***ing someone while we are still married, when he explicitly said he would wait ti D went through, he said he could move back home until the D goes through and then resume whatever physical relationship he was in. Thought that was weird. I dont know whether he meant it, but I said no.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 09:07 PM

Rachel, id wait for someone more experienced to advice, but of course its a no!

Have you decided You are filing for D? Is he filing? Im 5 months in and d talk here and there, but i still havent seen the papers!

Please dont initiate any r talk with him, just boot him out and let him go, honestly he seems messed up and he will mess with your head!

I obv dont know his family, but be careful with his sister, i was very close with mil, but now our relationship is very limited and we only talk about kids. Its natural that his family will end up on his side or at least will try and keep things neutral.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 09:09 PM

He claims he is filing and has claimed that since 2 months ago. I asked him about it today, where the papers are, and he says yet again he will file.

If I'm being honest, I have been turning to alcohol and that is what is messing me up. I am somewhat okay and then i drink and feel good. Then the emotions hit and i do stupid stuff like check his messages.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 09:13 PM

They are notoriously lazy! If could be months until he actually files and remember you dont have to sign anything! Im assuming you have assets and then thee is child maintenance and childcare split.
They all think Its going to be so so easy and done, but it never is!


I dont know where you are and what laws would apply, but can you get some legal advice to know what a split might look like?!

I would say him moving back in is a hard no Rachel. I do think you need some support, a friend, family, councillor, its though being on your own with three kids.

Was alcohol a problem before for you?!
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 09:18 PM

I agree about the moving back in part. Idk who the heck says ILY after knowing each other a few weeks anyway. It's all superficial but it hurts like crazy. Especially when he just told me all these lies about their relationship.

I know I need to get in to talk to a lawyer. And to start counseling for myself.

I had been drinking over the last year or 2 and it was becoming a problem for me. I dont get wasted or anything crazy and not when the kids are up, but I am drinking every day which is not good. And now it is making me backtrack in my DBing.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/09/20 09:27 PM

Rachel my H did the same. Its the same script, he was messing with my head for 2 months telling le they are just friends....and i read all of their ily and everything else. Yes it hurt like hell, but he does truly feel that way.
The sooner you accept the situation and take the emphasis of your M and his relationship with ow and concentrate on you and the kids the easier it will get.
Imagine a universe where there is just you and the kids, thats all you need to worry about. Nothing else is a rush at the moment. Take each task as it comes. Stop drinking, you need a clear head, exercise instead, have a bath, watch something, anything that will make you feel good. Once you have a clear head and and stop spinning, Find a lawyer to consult with, you dont tell your h anything! That you are exploring options, he doesnt need to know! This is for you and the kids so you know where you stand. Get into ic that will help build you up, i really think he did a number on you with all The cheating!

Stay strong and keep posting.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/10/20 11:20 PM

I have called a couple of possible IC and am waiting on call backs. My head is a bit foggy because we have all come down with something, so I will make an appt with a lawyer next week.

Random thoughts I need to remember: I am still so tempted to log on and read their messages (also why are they still communicating on there? UGH). I need to remind myself that 1. I already know they are f***ing and saying these things to each other. What good will reading more of the same crap do for me? It will just give me more words to replay in my head and more ammo I might try to throw at him later. and 2. Reading the messages won't help bring him back home.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/11/20 05:49 AM

Well done Rachel

Dont read them, the only thing that it will do is make you feel worse. Take the spotlight away from him, put it on your kids and you, make sure you all feel better first and then crack on with your life and list of things that you need to do for you and the kids. Thats all you can do right now, your h meeds to decide to want to be with you and at the moment ue is choosing different and there is nothing you can do at the moment.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/11/20 05:59 PM

Hi Rachel,

I believe you have all the information about what your H is doing with OW that you need. Snooping any further will not give you any more clarity on the truth. You now know the truth.

I post here to help keep families together. You are the only one that has the potential to do this. I give out advise that I believe will tilt the odds.

Repeat this to yourself multiple times every day:
"What works is counter intuitive."

It is your job now to fight your natural urges and do things based on logic. Determine before hand how you want to interact with and respond to him. Have a plan and execute the plan.

These are the wise words I have collect on this site, get a plan based off all the new knowledge you are gaining:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2896617

There are 10 threads, so it will take a while to get through.


I decided to feel the pain and deal with it rather than drinking alcohol when I was going through my sitch. I was extremely tempted, but I am glad I didn't self medicate. During this phase of the process, you can learn many new self control behaviors.

Feel and express all your emotions when it is safe. Let them out. They are normal. Just not in his presence. Project a happy confident sexy woman that does not need him.



Do things this weekend that make you happy. This time of your life is about finding happy alone.

I wish you well.

HUGS
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/12/20 04:28 PM

Quick question. H is on his way over to spend the weekend with the kids and I am not in a position to leave at the moment (still really sick and can't really drive). I know he will notice a difference in my behavior and this is the first time I have seen him since he confirmed he is sleeping with OW. I have a feeling he will ask if I will agree to divorce now. What do I say to this? I obviously do not want to be in the marriage as it is, but I may want to stand for my marriage. I am not 100 percent positive because he is having yet another affair. But not ready to sign papers yet.

How do I answer in a way that doesn't commit me one way or the other?
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/12/20 04:29 PM

Thank you, Ready2Change. I actually had just been looking through your threads when you commented here. I will continue to look at those quotes. They have helped me already smile Also I have not snooped in 2 or 3 days which is progress for me.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/12/20 05:07 PM

Not sure if this is the right thing, but i have said to my H that if he would like a divorce he needs to go and do that, very simple really and thats the end of the conversation, stabd up and go do your thing in the house.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/13/20 02:26 AM

He did not ask about it yet. He did mention he will have a place to stay soon. With OW. Said he can take our dog with him
I said hel* no and my kids won't be going there either. He is still claiming they are not a relationship and just f buddies I guess. He is supposed to come back tomorrow to be with the kids. I was reminded today of all of the ways he just does not contribute. Staring at his phone while kids cry, barely doing anything to help. Im so angry and feel like I messed up today so badly. I was angry/cried angrily when he said he will probably move in with her to get cheap rent. To top it all off, he has called my daughter her kids name. (My daughtwr is Scarlett and hers is Charlotte.) Wtf.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/13/20 02:56 AM

How is he still trying to pretend they aren't in an actual relationship??
Posted By: Spiral

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/13/20 03:15 AM

Rachel,

I think that you should tell your H that you do not agree with it, but that he is free to file for divorce if that is what he wants. I told my WW precisely that and it was a relatively quick and easy conversation. She did, however, do just that. Looking back six months now, I don't regret saying it that way at all, nor do I regret telling her to either cut off all contact or move in with OM. Although it is a heck of a sucker punch if they promptly file and move in with OM/OW, you'll get over it more quickly that way and I remain firmly convinced that everything falls apart for a lot of people. On the other hand, if it ends up going well, then there's very little left that you can do about the situation other than move on. Good luck. This will pass and things will get better sooner than you think they will.

-Spiral
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/13/20 06:00 AM

Hey Rachel

Im sorry, i know how tough it is. I know how difficult it is to even have him around.

Re his ap- there is literally nothing you can do about it, my h used to try and tell me about hoe lovely the ow was, i told
Him point blank, im not interested, i do not want to meet her she doesnt exist in my life, keep your life away from me.
You do not need to know Rachel, the less you know the better! At this stage i dont even know where my
H lives.

Re kids- eventually depending on how much you h pushes he will have them at the new place and you will also be ok. Yesterday h took kids and ow out for the day, if it wasnt for his
Words in the morning i was actually ok about it.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/14/20 06:42 PM

Just confirmed he is in fact moving in with OW this week "as roommates." He will barely be paying any rent, if anything at all. She has 3 kids and 50 percent custody so he will officially be spending more time with someone else's kids than his own. I told him I am not okay with my kids going over there on his weekends. He can keep seeing them here at our house. I dont even know this woman and dont think it is healthy to introduce my kids to her at this point. And to be around her kids would be even more confusing for them.

He has chosen to make every step of this as difficult and messy as possible. I'm not dragging my kids into the middle of that sh*tstorm, esp if he can't even admit they are in a relationship. Maybe if H was a more responsible person, but he just is not. Half of his friends are irresponsible people who do drugs regardless of where their kids are so I just cannot trust them staying there with a random woman.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/14/20 06:46 PM

Gigi, how long did your H wait before introducing them to OW? I mean he hasnt even filed for divorce yet and barely knows this person. Idk why he thinks it would be okay for them to meet her. Who knows how many women they will have to meet down the line if that is the precedent we set.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/14/20 08:02 PM

He didnt at all really, he would take then to the park and miraculously she would he there. Maybe a month or so after db it started happening. They dont know that she is anymore than his assistant at work....

There is no threat to my kids, they always sleep at home, he takes them out for the day, and then returns them back.
It will be a bit more tricky for you as he actually has a place to stay so would depend on how much he cooperates here.

It wouldnt he wise to introduce ow this early but men do, well and women too, bit no thought really goes i to how this affects kids.

Have you received legal advice? Rachel im just conscious that we all want this to be over and this is long term and its really important to protect yourself and the kids. He wont be back in a weeks time or a months, if ever. You need to kook after you and kids and detach from what he is doing, it is his path.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/19/20 01:40 AM

So this week I have done really well. Haven't reached out. Haven't snooped. H Has not called to say good night to the kids once. I have ignored a couple of his calls bc i knew they weren't for the kids.

Tonight he called and we were busy. I called back and he didn't pick up-he left a message asking if i hung up quickly on purpose... Said "i just wish you wanted me to talk to the kids." Meanwhile he hasnt given a sh*t about them all week. Then he once again brought up them coming to his new apartment with OW (i draw the line here. I'm not bringing my kids there. Period. he chose to make this as messy as possible even though he knew i was not ok with them meeting OW. This conversation ended with him saying that he is just going to show up here at my house whenever he feels like it and stay all the time to see the kids. And then he hung up on me.

My usual response would have been an angry text or a phone call back. But instead I am just letting it sit and I'm trying not to message him. Is it normal for them to be this Petty and outraged? I drew a boundary and I feel like it is a good one. My kids are already so hurt by him and I'm not going to have them be confused by going to his new house with his new girlfriend and her three children.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/19/20 01:42 AM

For the record. He has not once tried to come see them during the week. I'm not keeping them from him. I am just simply saying they are not allowed to go to the house t has decided to move into with this woman and her children.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/19/20 01:14 PM

Rachel its his kids too and if he would like to come and see them, he needs to agree with you when that will happen.
Say tuesday/thursday eve and every other weekend, whatever works for both of you really.
Dont let him make you feel guilty, it is his relationship woth the kids and he needs to maintain it, it is his responsibility.

I think for now you could get away with not letting him take the kids, but long term you might not have a choice and essentially you cant stop him, he is their dad.

So maybe just saying to him that emotional wellbeing of the children is really important and at this stage introducing them to anyone isnt a good idea. General advice is 6-12 months after bd. So you have a long way to go.

But once again depending on hiw he takes it you might not have a choice
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/19/20 01:58 PM

Yes in the beginning he said he just wanted them every other weekend. We also agreed that unless he was living by himself or with a trusted friend, that they would not be going to his place. That he would be coming here to see them. Given his history with friends who are not so responsible, I really don't feel comfortable with them being there. Hopefully if he calls today he will be willing to actually listen to that.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/19/20 07:03 PM

Honestly Rachel they change their minds as and when it suits them, with no consideration.

Its not something that you have any control over at all.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/20/20 06:25 PM

Journaling...


Today he told me he realized he is allowed to come by anytime he feels like because he pays for the house. So he said he will check if we are home and then come by as he pleases. Really irritated by this. I asked him to be considerate and at least ask if it is okay and I will work with him. He says he is not going to go out of his way to be polite to me when it is his house. (that he chose to leave). He says I did not contribute financially to the house because I was a SAHM. Implied I cant even call it half mine. Also said he can take the kids and my van whenever he wants because he pays for it too. I'm so over this treatment.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/20/20 06:47 PM

Its tricky, i suggest you get legal advice, get all you finances together and all debts and so on, and check what you can and cant do and what you are entitled to.

They are delusional honestly, mine isnt any mire sane than yours, less nasty in fact very amicable at the moment.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/25/20 01:52 AM

Journaling

I have done well with not reaching out to H at all. I don't even speak to him when he calls to talk to the 3 kids at bedtime (then again he doesnt call half the time so that makes it easier). Tonight he was video chatting with my son and stopped to talk to OW in the background, which we could clearly see and hear. It hit me harder than I thought it would and I hung up on him. Sat there for a good minute, feeling all the feelings and ready to yell at him to show me a little respect and not have OW around while he talks to our kids. BUT when he called back, I didnt speak to him and just let the kids finish their conversation. I didnt even ask him about his ridiculous spending the last few days. So, progress on my part maybe?

This weekend he will be here with me and the kids because it is H and my son's birthday. I have been thinking a lot about filing for divorce. It really irks me that he talks all this talk but doesnt seem to actually move forward with the D. I'm tired of the limbo.

I miss him so much, but at the same time part of me feels like I don't even know who this guy is.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/25/20 02:02 AM

Originally Posted by Gigi123
Its tricky, i suggest you get legal advice, get all you finances together and all debts and so on, and check what you can and cant do and what you are entitled to.

They are delusional honestly, mine isnt any mire sane than yours, less nasty in fact very amicable at the moment.


I have been waiting on the legal front to see if he tries to deposit his paychecks to a different account. Or til he actually files. I really don't want to spend the money on legal help if/til it gets to that point.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/25/20 06:15 AM

Rachel

Well done on the self control! Its important to control your emotions and you are doing well. It will take time of course.
I wouldnt rush into anything, but you do need to think how this will work if you did D. I wouldnt file just yet if i was you, let it come from a place of full calm and detachment on your part. You know when you arenít bothered if there is ow on the call or not.

Start thinking what your financials will look like, child maintenance and so on. Is the house in his name? I appreciate its very expensive but sometime getting the advice gives you more
Confidence in how to proceed.

Have you considered telling your family yet?
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/25/20 12:51 PM



My mom and dad know as of a few days ago actually. She knew something was going on and when she asked I broke down. I did not tell them any details though except that he left and I don't know if it is going to work out.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/25/20 01:48 PM

Oh Rachel i know how tricky it is, but having my family there for me has been a life saver. Talking to my mum has been brilliant.

Just to note that H family no longer speak to me, havent heard from mil for a month now, so god knows what he has said to them about me.
Posted By: Sage4

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/26/20 05:32 PM

Originally Posted by rachel75
I have been waiting on the legal front to see if he tries to deposit his paychecks to a different account. Or til he actually files. I really don't want to spend the money on legal help if/til it gets to that point.


Most all L's have a meet-and-greet session (usually for an hour) that they provide for free. Early on in my situation, I had a consult with a L and she provided me with so much valuable information. Neither H nor I have retained a L at this point, but I am happy I went. You can have these consults with as many L's as you want: they are like interviews. And at each one you can ask questions relevant to you situation. See it as fact-finding vs filing at this point.

I am so happy you opened up to your parents. Keeping this within is so hard on the psyche. It is amazing how many people want to support you, given the chance.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/27/20 02:35 PM

Sage, I will try to set an appt for that this week then.

We had a birthday party for S6 last night (was also H's birthday). First event with both families and my bff's family since this all happened. It went well until my friend made a really rude comment to my son about H not being here. There was no reason for her to involve S6 in anything. Obviously H was not happy and started going off to me (not on me) about it and I ended up having a panic attack outside for about 20 min. I NEVER do this. I pulled myself together & went back inside for presents and cake. But man. That was embarrassing and not fun. My dad also gave H a few firm pats/slaps on the face when talking to him about things, so that made things even more tense. My dad doesn't even know about OW, just knows H left.

I understand why they are upset and maybe think they are helping the situation, but honestly my dad and friend just made me really angry. Yesterday was supposed to be about my son and my H and I did a really good job focusing on that and not discussing anything else. I was proud of us. It would have gone off without a hitch if they could have just let me handle my own situation myself. *sigh* On the bright side, none of the kids noticed I was missing for a few minutes and never knew I was upset.

Now I just need to find a time to finish that good cry I started yesterday.
Posted By: may22

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/27/20 08:56 PM

hi Rachel,

I'm really sorry. That sounds so difficult. Can you talk to your family and your friend and ask them to please not get involved? Just what you said here, that events like yesterday are supposed to be for the kids and you're having a difficult enough time as it is? That what you need is their supportive presence right now but any comments are really not helpful? I know it is really tough for them to see you hurting like this, and I'm sure they want to knock some sense into your H. Hopefully they'll be able to set aside their own emotional response so that they can be there for you in the way you need.

(((Rachel)))
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 09/28/20 04:48 PM

Originally Posted by rachel75
Sage, I will try to set an appt for that this week then.


Set appointments with the TOP three divorce attorneys in your area. I believe they would not be able to represent your spouse if they have already met with you. You can confirm this when you have your free consult.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/01/20 11:56 PM

Journaling because I need to get this out of my head.

This morning I listened to a podcast about being with a narcissist. I have known for a while that H is one, but this explained a lot to me. How they drop love bombs, especially in the beginning and are charismatic, complimenting you and how you are the perfect one for him, are amazing, etc (all things he said to OW within weeks of moving out). 1 quote from the podcast was, "No one falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live."

Fast forward to later today... H came by to discuss some things and after he searched through my computer history, I told him he was not in a position to do that and took the computer from him. He began telling the kids how he wants them to come stay with him but I won't let them. After some more of this, I lost it in front of the kids and said how H has been living with OW and her kids. I regretted it instantly and have been trying to repair that damage all day long.

Since, then H left and went through a weird progression of actions.

1. threatening to call DFCS on me for saying those things in front of the kids
2. Next he was saying he is coming home this weekend for good and we will NOT be divorcing because he will be here to make sure I am miserable the rest of my life.
3. Next he sent me a long message detailing how everyone will be better off without him, how he is going to finally end it. When I ignored those messages, he sent a few more with suicide notes to each of the kids.

A little bit later, he called me and was bawling, going on about how all he does is cause problems and everyone will be better off without him. He was very drunk. I asked if OW was with him and when he confirmed, I told him to go enjoy his time with her and hung up.

SHEESH.

Side note, I did speak with 1 lawyer & have calls in to a couple more.

If you stayed to read all that crazy mess, thank you.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/01/20 11:58 PM

There was just SO much drama and crazy today and honestly I am worried about what will come next, when he is sober. Whether he will be angry, accusatory, or still claiming he is moving back to make my life terrible. He just seems really unstable right now.
Posted By: Sage4

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/02/20 06:06 PM

Hi Rachel, how are you today?

Originally Posted by rachel75
Fast forward to later today... H came by to discuss some things and after he searched through my computer history, I told him he was not in a position to do that and took the computer from him. He began telling the kids how he wants them to come stay with him but I won't let them. After some more of this, I lost it in front of the kids and said how H has been living with OW and her kids. I regretted it instantly and have been trying to repair that damage all day long.


This sounds really hard, but don't beat yourself up over losing it. And please be careful about how much regret you show in front of the kids. It can be really disarming for kids to see an adult not forgive oneself for human behavior. Saying 'You know when you get angry at a friend and say things that hurt someone else? I lost my temper and said some things I wish I didn't. Next time I am angry at Dad, I am going to take a deep breath before I say anything.' And then leave it open to their questions, but don't flagellate yourself in front of them. You don't want to teach them through your behavior that they are unforgivable for their actions. Does this make sense?

Originally Posted by rachel75
Since, then H left and went through a weird progression of actions.

1. threatening to call DFCS on me for saying those things in front of the kids
2. Next he was saying he is coming home this weekend for good and we will NOT be divorcing because he will be here to make sure I am miserable the rest of my life.
3. Next he sent me a long message detailing how everyone will be better off without him, how he is going to finally end it. When I ignored those messages, he sent a few more with suicide notes to each of the kids.


1. Good luck to him.
2. This is abuse. Keep records. If he does come home and attempts to make you miserable, you can use this to get a court to order him to move out.
3. Keep a record of these sorts of comments and interactions. He is not stable and may not be stable enough to spend time alone with the kids.

Originally Posted by rachel75
A little bit later, he called me and was bawling, going on about how all he does is cause problems and everyone will be better off without him. He was very drunk. I asked if OW was with him and when he confirmed, I told him to go enjoy his time with her and hung up.


Great response, great boundary. Keep up this sort of detachment. You DID NOT break him and you CANNOT fix him.

Meet with more L's and let them know what you told us here. They will give you some legal tools for moving forward and protecting yourself.

I am so sorry, Rachel.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/02/20 06:50 PM

Thank you Sage for responding. I feel so alone in all this and it really helps when people who understand can converse with me. So far today, I have not heard from him. I don't plan to call. I suppose it is the weekend, but I assume he will not follow through with his plan to move back home. I'm doing okay so far today. I took the kids to walk the trails at the park and play on the playground and get some time out of the house. I have to start figuring out a way to get more income assuming this moves forward toward D.

I spoke to the first lawyer again yesterday and updated him. He said if H does try to move back home, he can file an order for temporary use of the house so that H cannot be here.

Part of me is thinking that if he comes back home something good can come of that down the line, if the right things happen. I know that has to be crazy. Please someone feel free to slap me in the face about that.

I screenshot every one of his suicide-ish messages in case I need them later on. I know he was mainly saying these things because he was drinking (which he usually doesn't do) but still. NOT okay. It felt SO GOOD to say that and hang up. I can only wonder what she was thinking while he called his wife to cry. *eye roll*

I think the things I said to H yesterday affected the eldest the most. He seems to be doing okay, and I think I apologized pretty similarly to your suggestion so hopefully that was good. I know S8 needs time with me and stability and calm right now so I am doing my best to provide that.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/02/20 07:00 PM

Well Rachel, well done on the boundary! It felt so good for me to tell my h not to come and sleep at the house.

Nothing goid will come of it NOW. Maybe maybe months down the line if he chnages, if he goes through everything he needs to to be a better person then you will decide later on if that's what you would like.


Hes is basically saying that he will come back to make your life a misery, im assuming live at home and still see the OW!
No chance, you are just starting to fe steady Rachel, gaining stability and starting your journey of detachment.

I think its important to try and keep as much peace as possible for the kids, they do t need to see his crazy behaviour.
But setting the boundaries that protect you is essential.


Re taking his own life-obv i dont know how true this is, but i have jeard this from my H and i will never know what happened or didnt happen but it was very dramatic.

Stay strong
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/03/20 08:22 PM

Update: still haven't heard from him since Thursday evening. That means he has not called the kids literally all week long at bedtime. He spent $600 on "groceries" because he felt guilty he wasn't contributing to rent while living with OW. Ugh.

The kids have barely asked about him. It seems the younger 2 just forget he exists now. Really sad as this is not what I wanted for them. I guess his threat of coming back home was BS, which is good. I started browsing houses today just to see what is out there. I can't keep up with the size of our house and maintenance on it if I am by myself. It would be nice to start over somewhere else. I am also looking to take on more clients so I can afford this mess and keep my kids home with me.

Things I am doing well with: haven't snooped on his messages in almost a month. I have barely initiated any contact with him, and haven't at all since his suicide threats. This is definitely a big 180 for me because in the past I would have contacted him a few times especially amid the suicide talk.

I am usually feeling fine most mornings, but in the afternoons/evenings I get hit with a lot of depression and just not wanting to do anything. I have binged way too many tv shows lately.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/03/20 09:18 PM

Hey Rachel, i think you are doing pretty good actually.

Evenings will get better i promise, life will get better. You seem to be moving forward with your own plans which is important. House, more work, making sure that kids have a roof over their head, all important stuff.

There is an odd evening where i feel sorry for myself, all the other time i dont feel guilty for watching netflix or listening to a podcast and doing nothing at all around the house. On friday boys and i were all so tired after a busy week we
Literally spent the whole evening on the sofa watching a movie. I think its ok to do whatever it feels like you need to do. There are evenings where i feel motivated and ill make sure all the housework is done and the house is sparkling clean.
Its also important to remember that self care is essential, what makes you feel good? Having a hot bath? Face mask, doing your nails? Whatever it is you need to take time to do it.

I think you are doing amazing!
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/05/20 07:43 PM

Thank you Gigi smile That means a lot.

I have a question for those of you veterans. The kids and I have not heard from H since Thursday when he sent suicide notes and I hung up on him, telling him to go enjoy his time with OW rather than crying to me. He was supposed to watch the kids this morning so I could go to work and he didn't show.

He has spent a ridiculous amount of money in the last few days. We did speak of it a few days ago and he said he was contributing to OW's household because he is not paying rent. He said he wouldn't be making large purchases like that often. Since then he has spent at least $100-150 more. Since I already broached this subject a few days ago, do I bother mentioning it again since he keeps spending ($1000 on gas stations and groceries in less than a week)? it seems my words won't mean a thing, so im thinking I should just keep my mouth shut. It is really frustrating that he knows money is tight and he continues to blow it.

Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/05/20 07:46 PM

When he spoke of suicide and said the kids would be better off without him and all that, I didn't expect him to just disappear for days. I am wondering if he decided that was still true and is just disappearing for a while.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/05/20 09:29 PM

You are dealing with a lot right now. Compartmentalizing things helps.

1) Suicide speak - Take him at his word. Call a suicide helpline for guidance on how you should deal with this.

2) Parenting responsibilities (as long as you feel it is safe for him to be around the kids) Set boundaries.

This is not a full boundary, but a start:

text him:
"When you say you will be here at 7:00AM to pick up the kids and do not show up (or notify me that you can't), It is frustrating. I believe it is important that we both spend quality time with the children. In the future I expect (Whatever parenting exchange behavior you want to see such as amble notification so you can make other arrangements).

3) Money - Do not ignore. seek legal advise. Set boundaries here as well.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/05/20 10:42 PM

Thank you. I will be sending him a text regarding childcare issues. As far as money goes, how does one set boundaries when the WAS is the primary breadwinner? I make some each month but most of it is his earned income while I stay home with the kids and homeschool.

I have spoken to a lawyer but all he said was if H changed his direct deposit, contact him and they will proceed with legal action.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/06/20 04:30 PM

Finally heard from H today. He was very abrasive at first but finally started to speak more respectfully. Said he is going to start taking the kids to stay with him at OW's apartment. Said he will be in the kids lives all the time, blah blah blah. THis past week was the 4th or 5th time he disappeared from contact for several days and didnt speak to them. He also said he is filing for D. All the same things he has said time and time again. We'll see if he sticks to it.

He said if they go stay with him, he and OW will simply act as roommates.

He also said he wants to see a divorce counselor with me to discuss things such as communication, custody, money. I told him to make an appt if that is what he wants. Any input here is welcome.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/06/20 05:06 PM

Originally Posted by rachel75
He also said he wants to see a divorce counselor with me to discuss things such as communication, custody, money. I told him to make an appt if that is what he wants. Any input here is welcome.
This is good.

Do some research on your own and find 3 that look good to you. Send him the contact info and ask him to pick one.

This is the pattern I learned from my lawyers. Find 3, let the other pick. If they don't like any of the choices, they find 3. you pick.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/06/20 05:24 PM

Thanks I will do that.

H has consistently had this idea running in his head that I am a terrible mother, etc especially bc what happened last week when I lost it. Nevermind his disappearances. But today he actually told me that something I did really showed him that I do in fact have the kids' best interest at heart and that I have been demonstrating that during separation. he apologized for saying otherwise and said he is going to fix his attitude toward me and be civil. No idea if this is all BS but it was good to hear.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/06/20 07:00 PM

To be honest Rachel he is all over the place and driven by his emotions.

I dont know whats right but i have taken this approach, he wants to divorce, thats fine, file and pay for it. You want to sell the house, great get it valued and lets put it on the market. It doesnt mean that im doing nothing in terms of making sure in financially secure and knowing what i can afford in terms of buying a house of buying a house of my own, but he needs to go and do what he wants to. He suggested that we sit down together and look at properties, he said that we can do divorce papers together. Not happening for me, this isnt amicable, i do not want a divorce, so if he need to go and do it. Needless to say its been over 6 months....which is typical apparently with WAS.
I have heard the bit about terrible mother and how i suppress the kids and how happy they are when they are with him...and then i had txt messages telling me what a brilliant mum i am.
Rachel you need to do and you are doing what Is best for kids and you and that is keeping it together and being their stability.
Money is tricky, but we have separated our accounts, And agreed on an amount H gives me a every months.
This way i dont have to see his spending, its no longer my problem. If you have any savings i would speak to L about this, as you wouldnt want to find that he has spent it all.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/07/20 04:57 PM

Gigi,
Thankfully the savings is only in my name so he doesn't have access to it. He wants to talk about a # he gives me monthly for bills and the kids and I will cover the rest. I was told by a couple of people to get a lawyer to help with this but if we can work out a number and get it in writing, I would prefer to not shell out a few thousand right now for a lawyer. So that has worked well for you guys-him giving you an allotted amount each month? It would be a relief to not worry about what he is doing with the rest of the money.

Today we had a conversation and he randomly said, "I really wish we could have figured out a way to get along and stay together." I said, "Yeah, I wish we got help and did that. But we didn't and we don't. He asked me, "So you really wouldn't be interested in trying?" I said, "No, at this point in time no."

Whenever we had issues in the past (including affairs), I was always there for him to fall back on. ALWAYS begging him to come back, etc. But we never put in the real work to fix our issues so here we are again. He would have to do a hell of a lot for me to even consider coming back and I don't even know if then I would want him. Should I have specified that-that there is a possibility under a lot of conditions? I think my answer was good because I made it clear I would NOT be his plan b, but a friend told me I need to let him know if I do want to save the marriage. She said dont give him specifics on what he needs to do, but that he does need to know.

Anyway, thank you for reading and sorry if my posts are getting annoying. smile Just want to make sure I handle things correctly and my head is not always very clear.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/07/20 04:58 PM

[quote=Gigi123]
I have heard the bit about terrible mother and how i suppress the kids and how happy they are when they are with him...and then i had txt messages telling me what a brilliant mum i am.
Rachel you need to do and you are doing what Is best for kids and you and that is keeping it together and being their stability.


They are all so wishy washy smirk Thanks for your encouragement.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/07/20 05:41 PM



You can read your states statutes on divorce. My state has a worksheet that calculates child support. I assume your state does as well. Might be a good place to start to understand approximately how much $ each month would be reasonable.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/07/20 06:01 PM

I would wait for someone more experienced to comment on your conversation, but i would say you did the right thing. You are finally standing up for yourself and your kids. He will have to work really hard to get you back! He seems rather unstable, he needs to sort his life out.

Money wise and this has worked for us so far. Lets say all bills and mortgage come to 1500 a month, he pays 1300 and i pay the rest and cover food costs for me and the boys. This is just what we have agreed for now. If you can agree without solicitors advice for now then do so.

I think you are doing great and i hope you are taking time for yourself each evening, to do something just for you.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 04:17 AM

So OW dumped H and told him to leave. I'll post more tomorrow but I'm spinning right now. I have been fairly nice and non emotional with him since he told me.
Posted By: Sage4

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 04:46 AM

Hi Rachel,

I am sure you will share more later, but in the meantime, take things very, very, very slowly. It is OK to say things like 'I need to think about this' or 'I need some time, can we discuss this tomorrow afternoon?' or 'this is a big shift for me, I need to consider all my options before I feel comfortable responding to you'.

You DO NOT need to take him back right away. In fact, if you do take him back right away, it diminishes your value to him and when OW comes crawling back in a week, you are back where you started.

You are not Plan B. Repeat that to yourself until it is a second layer of skin. Don't allow H to relegate you to Plan B.

(((Rachel)))
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 05:28 AM

Thanks Sage i needed that push. He was being all depressed and kept sadly asking to sleep in the bed with me tonight and i was close to giving in. Ended up telling him he made choices and needs to deal with them.

She sent him a message tonight and told him he needed to leave. That she wasnt putting her kids first and neither was he. Then she pulled up with another guy as H was leaving.

Old me would have gloated openly. Said mean things. New me listened carefully and weighed my words before I spoke. I am really proud of myself.

He said he has been thinking of coming home for a couple of weeks now. That he has been staying away more out of stubbornness than anything. His query of me.this morning was in fact real. Of course he says it is over and he won't be going back but I won't believe that. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings when we can both think more clearly (its 130 am here). I plan to go mostly NC and be short on words when we do speak so i can fully grasp the situation. While i am inclined to believe his words are all lies, I have noticed him softening a good deal lately. Not sure what to think right now.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 09:54 AM

Oh Rachel, well done for managing your emotions, in with Sage here, take it so so slow! Sleep in your bed?! Its a no! A day ago he shared someone elses bed!

Get some sleep and take your time, obv listen to him, but do not rush into things. Sage gives sound advice, it is absolutely ok for you to take time to think.

Rachel he has out you through hell, he has shown no remorse, no changes in himself, no respect for you. And in the meantime you have taken time to grow and change, is he the person you want by your side the way he is now?

How long until he cheats again? This isnt just terrible for you, but unhealthy for the kids. He is a grown man and if that means he stays somewhere else for now and can show you that he can be a reliable stable father and a man you deserve then be it like that.

The ball is in your court, i know if didnt feel like it but you are in control of your life and what happens next for you and the kids.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 01:55 PM

Rachel. I completely agree with what Gigi is saying. Donít just let him come back without any hoops to jump through. Back in 2014, four years before BD, XH woke up one morning and told me he wasnít happy, wasnít living the life he was supposed to be living and started talking about us living in side by side duplexes. I basically told him he was crazy and that there was no way we could afford it and that he needed to get his sh!t together. So...he spent six months going to counselling, a menís group etc... and then five months later, had a meltdown and moved into his friendís garage for a month with barely any contact with me and our kids. At the end of that month, he contacted me and said he was coming home and that he was ďbetterĒ and in love with me again. I was so relieved, I just said okay and let him come back no questions asked. The rest of the story is on my thread but suffice it to say, whatever it was he was going through was not over. I think he tried in the beginning but eventually he just went underground and his life became one giant lie. Fast forward six years and we are divorced. In hindsight, I should have never let him just come back. It put him squarely in the driverís seat and he 100% took me for granted. I should have insisted we go to counselling and that we date for awhile. I know that seems dumb, the dating part, but that was one thing that was really missing in our marriage. We spent almost no time together alone since our kids were about two and he had forgotten why he fell in love with me in the first place. I was the mom of his kids but that was about it. Donít let your H take you for granted.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 02:18 PM

I only got 2 hours of sleep because I just lay in bed wide awake all night. He is at work and planning to come here after. Has been furiously messaging OW all morning. She said he could come back to live there til he finds a place. He told her to F off. Apparently she owes him money so that's great. He said the apartment she lives in is disgusting-food and bugs everywhere, clothes on the floor. All while caring for her 3 kids. He was the one trying to keep things clean. She didn't cook. This is weird because I am the complete opposite of her it seems.

We haven't talked at length yet but I assume that will happen in the coming days. If I even consider taking him back, I do know that he would have to
1. Get tested for STDs
2. Agree to IC and MC
3. Go NC once she pays him (it's around $1000 I believe so not something we can just let go)
4. Work his a$s off to show me he wants me. I still need to decide what that would look like and what to do in the meantime. Do I shove him out the door and just let him find a friend to crash with? Let him sleep on the couch here? Not sure yet. I plan to pull out the DR book again today and reread the later chapters.

DejaVu, that was one of our main issues-he made no time for me. He is a very extroverted person and I am an introvert. He hung out with friends daily and every night after the kids were in bed. It was frustrating and exhausting trying to convince him to prioritize me, so I eventually gave up. I don't think the dating thing sounds dumb at all-I think that would be necessary in our situation also.
Posted By: rachel75

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 02:20 PM

Originally Posted by Gigi123
Oh Rachel, well done for managing your emotions, in with Sage here, take it so so slow! Sleep in your bed?! Its a no! A day ago he shared someone elses bed!

Get some sleep and take your time, obv listen to him, but do not rush into things. Sage gives sound advice, it is absolutely ok for you to take time to think.

Rachel he has out you through hell, he has shown no remorse, no changes in himself, no respect for you. And in the meantime you have taken time to grow and change, is he the person you want by your side the way he is now?

How long until he cheats again? This isnt just terrible for you, but unhealthy for the kids. He is a grown man and if that means he stays somewhere else for now and can show you that he can be a reliable stable father and a man you deserve then be it like that.

The ball is in your court, i know if didnt feel like it but you are in control of your life and what happens next for you and the kids.


I am going to keep reading this over the next few days to remind myself of how he has treated me. I tend to get sucked back in when it comes to him and I cannot do that this time without him proving himself to me.
Posted By: Gigi123

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 05:43 PM

Rachel, i dont have any experience in recon, in hoping May or Pommy or someone more experienced will help here.

I do think that you need to set your expectations, what is it that you want this man to do for you to want to be with him?!

You are doing amazing and have come so far from your first messages on the board! Re-read them just to see how much things have improved for you personally.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 06:12 PM

Hi Rachel,

Do not share your thoughts with him at this stage. You want him to work to get you back. Have your list of non-negotiables firmly determined. Do not share it with him. You wait for him to list out what he is willing to do. That comes after he begs you to take him back.

Here are a few of phases for you to have ready:

"I am not sure"
"I need some time to think about what you said"
"I will let you know when I have decided"
"I think it is best if we discuss that at a different time"

Do a lot of listening and validate his feelings.

"I can see why you feel that way"


You can then come here for input from us. You will get a variety of way to respond and can take your time making decisions.


I wish you well! HUGS
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 06:22 PM


If you read this thread, You will see some of my posts that may help you:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2820750#Post2820750
Posted By: may22

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 07:38 PM

Hi Rachel,

I have to agree with everyone else, for sure... do not let him move back in. I've just re-read through your thread. A few things you have said about him:
- he has had several affairs prior to this
- he is a narcissist
- he recently threatened suicide (a week ago)
- he makes money in an illegal way
- threatened to call DCFS on you (a week ago)
- spent ridiculous amounts of money (three days ago)
- didn't call your children for a week (five days ago)
- was going to move them into the OW's house (two days ago)

I could go on but you get the picture. He is troubled and unstable and I think you are actually fortunate that he is out of the house at the moment.

I just don't see how anything good will come out of him coming back to the house. I wouldn't even spend a second of time thinking about what possible reconciliation would look like and what you'd need to do once that started (MC, dates, etc.). keep working on dropping the rope, focus on you and the kids. Don't worry about where he is going to sleep. He's an adult and will need to figure that out for himself.

I agree with RTC, do not share any of your feelings with him right now. He doesn't deserve it. Be mysterious and distant. I think the "I need some time" is a good phrase. If he tries to guilt you into him coming back, remind him that he's the one that left to LIVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. If he turns nasty, well then... he's showing his true colors, isn't he?

Every single thread I've ever read here where the WAS left and came back, the LBS has said they wished they had made them wait longer. Seriously. And most of them waited weeks before allowing their spouses back.

(((Rachel))) you can do this. You're strong and smart and he doesn't deserve you until he really, really shapes up. And unless he had some sort of out-of-body ghost-of-Christmas-future kind of experience, all that garbage he was displaying just a few days ago is still rumbling around in there. He's got to deal with that himself and you can't do that work for him, and letting him back into the house is really just enabling him. Tough love time. (Also, given his crazy behaviors over the last few weeks, can you imagine how insanity-inducing it would be to actually live with him? You don't want your kids to see him like that.)

xx M
Posted By: job

Re: 4 weeks separated - 10/08/20 09:15 PM

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3 months in
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