Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: BB205 What happened? - 08/07/20 09:38 PM
New poster here, and not sure about forums or anything. Bare with me. Here's the story..

I have been with the H for 40 years, M for 38 this September. We have 4 adult children. In 2015, we sold our family home and since the H had been "downsized", I worked until I retired from my profession of 35 years. We had a vacation ( winter) home in another country, and we were nomads until we found our " forever ' home in 2018.

The area we live in now is very nice place for active adults, and soon he found a " recreational " group to get involved in and enjoy. Apparently, he made a friend of the opposite sex, and they shared stories ( and as I later found out, emails of a general type)

Because of all the changes in my life, I got a bit depressed ( I have had other occurrences ) and gained some weight. So I was unable to join in with his new friends. H and I traveled the world and enjoyed each other, but maybe lost some connection along the way that I was not aware of.

In March of 2019, H came to me quite emotional and said he " felt lost and was so unhappy". I consoled him and tried to get from him what exactly he meant. In May of '19, just before an international trip, he went to take the garbage out to his " friend's" house and was gone for 3 hours. I was very upset when he returned and he said he " lost track of time, talking "

There were email from the OW daily that I was unaware of. There were time when the " recreational activity' took longer than it should of. She invited herself to our vacation home when she know I was gone ( with another member of the group)

Well, eventually, 6 weeks ago, I figured it out!! When I caught him on a phone call, when he was an hour late than expected, and then BD- "I've been having an affair with her for more than a year". I'm crushed and shocked.
WE want to stay together. He has ended the affair, I have started IC, I feel he is remorseful.

Question- How do I get past the fact that he lied to me for a year? He says it's in the past and not to talk about it to him anymore. How do I TRULY forgive him?

I need some help and healing- you all on the board are great, please help!!
Posted By: Cadet Re: What happened? - 08/07/20 09:52 PM
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Posted By: BB205 Re: What happened? - 08/07/20 10:34 PM
oh, and since the " I'm so lost' discussion ( well mostly his lament) I have lost 40 pounds and have become active. We have been Intimate since Nov of 19. His "friend " was in our Vacation home in Feb '20 , and I'm not sure what I've done wrong? He said he " didn't know how to break it off" WHAT??
Posted By: BB205 Re: What happened? - 08/07/20 11:24 PM
My issue is - we are more intimate than before, he is really remorseful. He bought me a beautiful new diamond ring to " start a new marriage". I feel he wants to make amends, but I am so wary after reading all the posts here... do I believe that he is sorry and believe that " he wanted to end it with her but didn't know how"? What the heck, did't know how?
Posted By: BB205 Re: What happened? - 08/08/20 12:19 AM
Hoping for some help here. Have a great weekend
Posted By: BB205 Re: What happened? - 08/08/20 01:18 AM
Hoping for some help here! Am I not being heard?
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: What happened? - 08/08/20 04:13 AM
Hi there, so sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate at the shock and gut wrenching feelings when I discovered my wife's affair. You will learn and grow and become stronger through all of this.

That said, I would highly recommend episode 76 of the "Relationship Alive" podcast. It is titled "Healing from Infidelity" with Michele Weiner Davis, the author of Divorce Busting. I really learned a lot listening to Michele and catching her tone in addition to her thoughts.

Work on detaching and go slow. Good luck.
Posted By: Cadet Re: What happened? - 08/08/20 08:49 AM
Believe Actions not Words
Posted By: job Re: What happened? - 08/08/20 03:02 PM
Please visit the links that Cadet posted to you. They have a lot of valuable information to help you along the way.

Have you been to a doctor and gotten checked out for STD's? I wouldn't take my h's word for the fact that they used protection.

As Cadet said, actions speak louder than words. BTW, it takes time and lots of patience to get through something like this. It will not happen in a blink of an eye. At some point, he's going to have to face what he's done and deal w/it. You can't sweep this kind of stuff under a rug or it will continue to fester.

Also, please be patient...posters will come around and visit your thread as time moves along.
Posted By: BB205 Re: What happened? - 08/08/20 06:08 PM
Thank you job,
I have an appointment with a Dr next week ( and he does too) and will ask for testing.
The BD was 8 weeks ago, and I must say I cry less, but I do get a bit anxious when he is gone doing errands, etc. H does text me often to reassure me and sends a pic of where he is.
I believe that he won't talk about details of the A because he knows it will hurt me ( and it will ) and he says he has hurt me enough and wants to look forward because we can't change the past.
I realize this will take some time for me to stop thinking about what happened. I'm looking forward to that day!
Posted By: SteveLW Re: What happened? - 08/09/20 06:25 PM
BB, you ask a very difficult question. How do you get past the biggest betrayal a human can perpetrate on another human. How do you forgive a lying cheater? I assume you mean how do you forgive a lying cheater to the point you can trust them again? Some forgive their cheating spouse and still choose to divorce. Some forgive, stay together, and struggle with trust for years.

Cadet gave you a great answer: look for action not words.

I'd also suggest a few things that might help, requirements you can require:

1) He and you both get into IC.
2) You both go to MC.
3) He agrees to complete transparency. No locked phones, no accounts you don't know the password to.
4) He agrees to share location with you through a smartphone app (like Life360).

Understand, earning your trust is up to him. He has the hard work to do to prove to you he is back, changed, and past the affair. If he balks at any of that I'd seriously consider filing for D and moving on.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: What happened? - 08/10/20 05:26 PM


Welcome,


There are many steps and phases to the process of saving and rebuilding a marriage. I do not have first hand experience, just second/third hand stories. Many from here. Others here can give you insights on what worked for them. Read as much as you can. Knowledge is powerful. Definitely get as much professional help as you can.

I have gathered wise quotes from this website over the years:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712

Here is a link you should read:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094


At this stage of the process, you should have a list of "non-negotiables". Since you just arrived, this might be one of the the things you work on. Most start like this:

1) Full transparency
2) No further contact.
.
.
.


Get a really good understanding of setting and enforcing boundaries:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096



I wish you well during this most difficult part of your life.


R2C
Posted By: SteveLW Re: What happened? - 08/11/20 05:57 PM
BB, how are you doing?
Posted By: BB205 Re: What happened? - 08/14/20 01:49 AM
Thanks for everyone for the responses,

Steve85- you freaked me out haha _ but, I have read your replies to others and respect your comments.

H has no contact with OW. for 2 months. He is remorseful - not just sorry. YES, He is a lying ,cheating pig!! He had no intention to leave me for her ( I read his emails ) It was an EA that turned somewhat PA . She gave him and out of the A and he just let it lay... He questions his decisions and regrets that he didn't reach out to me first for emotional support .

That being said, he left me because I gained weight because of my deep depression. I didn't love my self - therefore he didn't love me. I have lost 45 lbs and I now do CrossFit 3 days a week. I feel better and did a 180 and I am loving myself. I started IC and have requested to him to do MC. we are intimate and feel hopeful we can get through this rough patch. Any suggestions are welcome and I invite positive comments.. XX
© DivorceBusting.com