Previous Thread....
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2901040#Post2901040I truly hope this super heavy dark cloud over my soul passes by tomorrow. I just feel weighted down by 1000 bricks.
This to shall pass KK.
Enjoy your weekend!
I feel for you KK.
I hope you're okay and keep reminding yourself that you're stronger than you know.
Think back on some tough times and remember that you made it through those times and you overcame them, you can make it through this too.
This weekend has been full of dark weighted thoughts and struggles.
But, I am very proud of my weightloss and fitness journey.
I
Need to process my week so far...
Spent part of last weekend working on our financial statement. H texted last week if I had heard from my atty and then requested to see what I had so far. I emailed it late Sunday night (H works nights).
He texted early the next morning but I was asleep. 30min later he called. I was in bed and had a huge dialogue in my head of answer... don't answer... and i went with the former.
I answered "hello" and he curtly said "YES"... in my head I'm thinking DUDE you called me don't act annoyed with me... instead took the high road and just made a point of saying "hello" again... he responded better in kind.
He started off by asking did I have the numbers for one of the vehicles reversed. I said I did not but I was also surprised that we were so underwater on that vehicle. I went on to say that that would be on me as I was the one pushing for this vehicle - probably didn't look into it as much I should have *** this is a big deal because when it came to his truck we both looked online... then I picked out 3 that fit our budget and seemed to be a good deal and let him go alone to test drive and buy the one he wanted. That seemed to result in resentment over a few years that showed him I was controlling. *** So, I wanted to take responsibility that I picked out this car but he and I went to test drive and we left with the car. BONUS is ---- he wouldn't let me take the fall. He started saying it wasn't my fault and the car should have held its value and that the used car market is flooded right now. WOW... wasn't expecting that response.
He then asked about where I got his monthly salary from and I stated from his W2's last year and did the same with mine (we both make a base salary but constantly double that yearly. He stated he is not making anywhere near that this year and I agreed but stated this financial statement is not based on our current life but life before he left. He seemed to accept that.
Here is where I tried to say - well, is that all you needed?... hey, I need to get to work.... but he went right on to ask about our timeshare and I told him I still needed to make a phone call and if I got a lunch break today I would try calling them and forward the information.
Somehow we are still talking and for some reason I asked if he had spoken to his daughter recently. He said no... hasn't seen or spoken to her but that he had seen his son yesterday. I just asked how he was - he responded he was good and then my H stated something about a sugar rush yesterday. That confused me so I asked to clarify "sugar rush"? He then went on to state he had too many deserts at his family reunion yesterday... I just said "oh". He went on to talk about some decisions his son was making and I just listened. Only asked questions if it seemed appropriate to what he was talking.
I mentioned that S19 and his cousin would be living in the same dorm. H started asking all kinds of questions about my nephew in regards to his major, etc. Discussed that the kids had to take a COVID test, etc. Then H started talking about the requirements of the university in my town.... I just listened... why would H know of the requirements for this university??? Because OW's daughter goes there and he made sure to put on the Google calendar he is helping her move in... BUT, I kept quiet and just listened.
I could tell he was home and could hear our puppy... so I asked how the dog was doing. He updated me with general "he's good" and the latest kennel issues. I let him know I spoke to the breeder last week and got updates on his litter mates as one of the females is a phenomenal dock diver and is already doing 16ft jumps which is not typical of a dog under a year of age... Seemed consistent with the strength this puppy is showing... H seemed to check on that...
I knew I should have ended the call for a second time but H beat me too it stating "hey gotta go walk the dog"... so I said "yeah I've got to get to work".
It was over a 40min call....
CRAP.... what am I doing???
I hate this. I hate him.
This is 100% on me. He is being extremely chatty but not one question about me... even "how's work" or even about the kid he helped raise for 10yr... NOTHING. WHY? Because he doesn't care. He is checked out. He only contacted because he thought I was over representing his income on legal forms....
I'm having lunch with my SS20 tomorrow. I was hoping to see SD19 but she is pretty much a recluse these days. S19 is leaving for college soon and I know he would like to see them both. Of course the one person that won't be mentioned during the entire visit will be my H. I just miss my family.
Focusing on getting things prepped for college for S19. Nearly done in the attic. Trying my best to keep trudging forward and to stop this backward movement.
First 2x4. Decided to answer. WHY? Will you ever go no contact? Nothing said on this call advanced your situation. Didn't really set it back except for once again resetting the clock.
but he went right on to ask about our timeshare and I told him I still needed to make a phone call and if I got a lunch break today I would try calling them and forward the information.
WHAT? IN? THE? HECK?
Everything I've read from you the time-share was his baby. So why are you the once calling and getting information!?!?
Him:What about the timeshare?
You: I will leave it to you to get the information about the timeshare.
Him: Whine, moan, complain.
You: Yes, I can see getting the information is not convenient for you.
Him: More whine, moan, and complain.
You: Just send it over when you get it. I have go get ready for work. Bye. -click-
KC, I've said it before, I'll say it again. Enough time has past that you should be handling all of this much better. You are an intelligent, wise woman. The only reason you are not getting this is because you don't want to. You still think you can nice him back. You still go up when he is nice, and down when he is less than nice. " in my head I'm thinking DUDE you called me don't act annoyed with me" WHO GIVES A FLIP?
He is a lying cheater, and yet you worry about whether he is annoyed with you or not. It makes me sad that you still allow yourself to react to his moods. He doesn't deserve that from you. He doesn't even deserve you taking his call.
First 2x4. Decided to answer. WHY? Will you ever go no contact? Nothing said on this call advanced your situation. Didn't really set it back except for once again resetting the clock.
but he went right on to ask about our timeshare and I told him I still needed to make a phone call and if I got a lunch break today I would try calling them and forward the information.
WHAT? IN? THE? HECK?
Everything I've read from you the time-share was his baby. So why are you the once calling and getting information!?!?
Him:What about the timeshare?
You: I will leave it to you to get the information about the timeshare.
Him: Whine, moan, complain.
You: Yes, I can see getting the information is not convenient for you.
Him: More whine, moan, and complain.
You: Just send it over when you get it. I have go get ready for work. Bye. -click-
KC, I've said it before, I'll say it again. Enough time has past that you should be handling all of this much better. You are an intelligent, wise woman. The only reason you are not getting this is because you don't want to. You still think you can nice him back. You still go up when he is nice, and down when he is less than nice. " in my head I'm thinking DUDE you called me don't act annoyed with me" WHO GIVES A FLIP?
He is a lying cheater, and yet you worry about whether he is annoyed with you or not. It makes me sad that you still allow yourself to react to his moods. He doesn't deserve that from you. He doesn't even deserve you taking his call.
I agree... I do... but I'm supposed to be getting the paperwork for our financial settlement in order and that requires some contact and sharing information.
BUT - I get what you are saying... totally.
I even went so far as to state "I need to know what you spend every month on the boat, motorcycle and truck insurance" --- Required on the legal docs from atty.
I said "I think its X/6mo on truck, X/yr on bike, X/yr on boat". He said "yes that sounds about right" [yes, I paid all the bills so I have an idea of what these were]
HERE IS WHERE SOMEONE NEEDS TO SLAP ME SILLY "the bike and boat yearly payments would have been due last month.. you did get that taken care of didn't you"
^^^HOLY COW, the minute I said it I just wanted to take it back. Why, am I taking care of this man still??? Of course he figured out how it was due though he can't manage to pay for the whole year at once and told me he was doing it quarterly... YES, I face palmed myself. Its none of my business if he can manage his own stupid affairs.
As for the timeshare --- YES, he is to pay it off but I will retain 100% ownership... so it is information I needed to access. Not trying to make excuses.
If he doesn't have atty and we are working through financials how do I not take a call? or a text? or an email? There has to be some contact but I am 100% at fault that I did not cut off the call and it got personal and chatty. That is 100% on me.
Yikes....
Honestly I think you are crossing over into officially being friend zoned. And what [censored] is that you are communicating to your your H (whether you know it or not) that you approve of being friend zoned and you are ok with being cheated on because you continue to try to nice him back, like Steve said. Now you are making phone calls for him, that he could be doing himself?
A strong attractive woman would tell him to go fly a kite (I realize you might not feel strong, but you have to act "as if" just like it says in Divorce Busting.)
I hate to say it but, every one of these interactions lessens your H's attraction for you as a wife. If you continue what you're doing, I honestly don't see any hope for you at all in regards to reconciliation. Just my .02
You still make a sh!t ton of excuses.........
Stop!
Hi KitCat,
Many of us have divorce settlements—involving kids and homes and other assets. We know how little communication is actually needed, and that it typically looks nothing like this-/
I said I did not but I was also surprised that we were so underwater on that vehicle. I went on to say that that would be on me as I was the one pushing for this vehicle - probably didn't look into it as much I should have *** this is a big deal because when it came to his truck we both looked online... then I picked out 3 that fit our budget and seemed to be a good deal and let him go alone to test drive and buy the one he wanted. That seemed to result in resentment over a few years that showed him I was controlling. *** So, I wanted to take responsibility that I picked out this car but he and I went to test drive and we left with the car. BONUS is ---- he wouldn't let me take the fall. He started saying it wasn't my fault and the car should have held its value and that the used car market is flooded right now. WOW... wasn't expecting that response.
]
“No”
“No, I’ll try to have it by Friday”
“No, first I need you to send your form 5040”
We recommended you stick to written communication w/ 2hr+ delays, both for documentation, and because when you chat live, you seem to veer off business topics and delve into personal topics. This is hard. Just suggestions to make it easier.
PS - Unless you intentionally deceived him, your ex-husband is equally responsible for deferring parts of the car-purchasing experience to you instead of using an expert or his own judgment, and whatever the consequences of that were. I’m baffled for why you continue to try to carry burdens and responsibilities that are not yours to carry alone.
He’s responsible for ceding control of that decision to you for convenience. Unless, of course, you used powers of hypnosis, brainwashing, or exerting some other form of nefarious control over him.
If you don’t vote, you don’t get to complain.
Thorton --- I don't think I'm friendzoned... I think I'm just tolerated as a means to an end. He isn't the least bit interested in me period.
Ginger --- Thanks... I am still making mistakes and making excuses.
CW --- I should have stuck to it the first time I stated "is that all that you needed?... I need to get to work" and ended it. PERIOD. Why do I fall into small talk??? He clearly isn't interested. I've had 36hr to reflect and I'm just angry at myself. Nearly to the point that I just want to tell him to lawyer up and leave me alone. BUT, I'm holding all the cards right now... and with his guilt I could get more than he wants to give because he wants it over.
But that does not excuse my sloppiness yesterday. I MUST STOP WITH THE CHIT CHAT. I need to get back to making sure I've cut back to the barebones anything I send him.
I don't think there is any hope that this is salvageable. He is done. He is happy with the changes he has in his life now. I'm tied into the stress, exhaustion, long commute, feeling trapped. As LH stated he has a lot of anger and resentment to burn though... and he has ALOT. I have not seen him in nearly 7 weeks... and there is no reason to see him.
I'm going to focus on making SS20 a sugar cream pie --- his favorite.
S19 and I will be having lunch with him tomorrow.
PS - Unless you intentionally deceived him, your ex-husband is equally responsible for deferring parts of the car-purchasing experience to you instead of using an expert or his own judgment, and whatever the consequences of that were. I’m baffled for why you continue to try to carry burdens and responsibilities that are not yours to carry alone.
He’s responsible for ceding control of that decision to you for convenience. Unless, of course, you used powers of hypnosis, brainwashing, or exerting some other form of nefarious control over him.
If you don’t vote, you don’t get to complain.
I should have just let my H pick out the car --- it was to be a commuting car for him and what S19 would drive.
H got to the point where he just never would say no to me but would instead stuff it down and let the resentment build until it boiled over in his sleep deprived highly stressed state... it was so unhealthy. Sure its not 100% my responsibility but I do feel I put a lot of pressure on H to work to keep cranking out the OT... He became so angry and half asleep and he HATED the drive. He felt trapped and imprisoned.
Sure he has to take some responsibility in that but I'm dealing with a lot of emotional images of my behavior that I'm absolutely ashamed of...
I think all this "niceness" is to make up for how rotten I feel about the person I became... I'm working on getting those layers peeled back to woman I was when we met and married. I think I just need to get it through my thick head he is not interested any longer in any shame or guilt I feel for how I treated him toward the end.
Anyway, I should have deferred to my H more. I just should have said go get your car. For craps sake when we were first married I told him to go buy a car. I never went with him. He just brought a car home. How did I go from sending my H out to controlling him with print outs of 3 options??? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???
KC, I feel for you. It seems you want his validation so much. It looks like you try to take the lion's share of the blame, and justify what he did/is doing. You didn't deserve him being a butthole and leaving.
I definitely in the past struggled with being a "fixer" due to my previous marriage where my idiot alcoholic POS XH would say he did stuff, and turns out he didn't, so I put all the pressure on myself to get stuff done because if I didn't do it, I couldn't trust him to. It's strange how that showed up in ways I didn't anticipate in my 2nd marriage. I'm not sure if you've read anything on codependency, but a lot of that ties into the fixer dynamic, and it looks like that here a lot of times.
I've referenced giving people the dignity to fail before, and think it really applies here. Let him make his own mistakes. Let him get his own lawyer. He is an adult man and can do these things without you, and that doesn't mean you're worth less as a person.
He’s responsible for ceding control of that decision to you for convenience. Unless, of course, you used powers of hypnosis, brainwashing, or exerting some other form of nefarious control over him.
If you don’t vote, you don’t get to complain.
THIS. This resonates with me so much, and hopefully with you too KC.
My H has a mountain fo resentment against me going back for years about times he felt I controlled decisions. For the vast majority of those examples he hangs on to, I can specifically recall practically badgering him by checking into make sure “are you SURE you are ok with this?” Literally saying to him “I’m worried if you don’t give your input you will resent me later”.
Sure enough, he has held on to so many of those little moments as controlling on my part, despite my begging him to weigh in.
If you don’t vote you dont get to complain. YES. AND. You don’t get to label your partner as controlling afterward, because somebody has to be the one to step up and make the adult decisions. SIIIIIGGGHHHHHH.
KC, I get where you are coming from, I truly do. The best you can do is work on what you view as your controlling behaviors, separate from what your H may think or say.
He’s responsible for ceding control of that decision to you for convenience. Unless, of course, you used powers of hypnosis, brainwashing, or exerting some other form of nefarious control over him.
If you don’t vote, you don’t get to complain.
THIS. This resonates with me so much, and hopefully with you too KC.
My H has a mountain fo resentment against me going back for years about times he felt I controlled decisions. For the vast majority of those examples he hangs on to, I can specifically recall practically badgering him by checking into make sure “are you SURE you are ok with this?” Literally saying to him “I’m worried if you don’t give your input you will resent me later”.
Sure enough, he has held on to so many of those little moments as controlling on my part, despite my begging him to weigh in.
If you don’t vote you dont get to complain. YES. AND. You don’t get to label your partner as controlling afterward, because somebody has to be the one to step up and make the adult decisions. SIIIIIGGGHHHHHH.
KC, I get where you are coming from, I truly do. The best you can do is work on what you view as your controlling behaviors, separate from what your H may think or say.
True and well said. But, sadly my H is right. Did I even give him the chance to vote? Did he feel he had the chance to vote? I think sometimes he did not and it was just easier to go along with me rather than deal with conflict?
My H was far from perfect. In fact he could be a real A**. But, can't we all?
I have to take ownership and ultimately even if I didn't think I was controlling... that is how he felt. And I can't tell him his feelings are wrong.
I'm taking baby steps forward but still having shooting painful images of how out right disrespectful I could be at times. I just cringe... was that really me?
Sooo lots running through my head....
Had lunch with SS20 and S19... SD19 actually had wanted to come too and that news just made my heart burst with joy. Sadly SS20 fell asleep and I had to call so he woke up said he would be right at the resturant told his sister who was also asleep she had 2 min to get ready (well... that isn't ever happening!!!) So SS20 was alone.
He looked worn out and overwhelmed but I reminded myself he did just wake up.
First words out of his mouth after sorry for being late ---- his fiance' is pregnant.
WHAT???? When did GF become Fiance'???? How did I miss that?
There was nothing on FB and SS20 went on to say they were telling all the important people before the d*uches/FB. That warmed my heart that I was "important people".
My goal was to not say H word at all but I was not expecting that "your dad will be so over the moon... he is ready for grandkids"... but no response from SS20 and didn't even look at me. My bad... moving on.
Found out that he bought the ring months before but just proposed a few days ago at the family farm (how sweet!). He tells the story of how he told his grandparents... super cute and both of them didn't get it at first... lol. He also told his uncle but it went right over his head... NO ONE IS EXPECTING THIS!
Turns out he has NOT told H... I was like what??? And he repeated that he told he was telling all the important people before the douches.... HOLY COW.... SS20 and H had been rebuilding their relationship over the last 2yr and it had been really good even when I was contact with SS20 back in March/April..
SS20 went on to say he went to lunch with H and was completely grossed out by him... he was saying this like sticking his duck here and there. Now, SS20 and H could always get on the rowdy side and many times I would reel them in stating they are at the kitchen table. Things I would call locker room talk/or hanging with the guys. So - for SS20 to say it was gross and nasty was an eye opener.
And, then SS20 went on to state that OW was sitting right there next to him while he was saying all this and he just didn't get that or her for the matter. He looked at me and said "I don't know what's going on with dad... its like he is having some sort of horny midlife crisis"
Wow...
I just said yeah... I don't know either... don't know much about her except she heavily pursued your dad. SS20 was like she knowingly went after a married man??? Yeah... and just moved the convo right along.
Please bear in mind that SS20 and I didn't have the best relationship while he was growing up. I was the evil "step mom" in his eyes... and I admit I was a little hard on him. He had gotten into some trouble and wasn't anywhere close to his potential. In his defense now while I gave him credit for how hard it had to have been going between your parents home I should have given it way more... I don't think there is a parent out there who doesn't have some regrets or would choose to do something different.
^^^ So with that in mind I'm surprised that he would say anything about his lunch with dad to me that was negative like that.
Well thanks for letting me unload all that. Writing it out is helpful to get it out and not stew too much.
TAKE AWAYS
1) I had a nice lunch with SS20
2) Sounds like I might have a chance to get SD19 out for lunch sometime
3) It was a nice day but it in no ways changes anything about my sitch... I have continue to work on letting go and not communicating with H.
I need a nap now!
So, did discussing H with SS20 help your sitch?
So, did discussing H with SS20 help your sitch?
Steve85 --- no, but I also wrote out that it did not on my post... that nothing change just because SS20 unloaded his frustration with his dad.
I get that SS20 was frustrated with his dad yesterday but he may also be over and things be patched up by now, next week... at some point. I listened and said I was sorry that he was not happy with his dad currently. I got the feeling that his dad was behaving very self centered when with him --- but I'm guessing. And, from what I read here and other places that WW are self centered.
SS20's statement about "I don't know what's going on with H... its like some mid life crisis..." came out of his mouth on his own unprompted or asked from me. While there was probably another 60-90sec in regards to H... I said none of this matters and moved the convo elsewhere... discussed sailing and SS20's dreams, etc.
ANYWAY --- my take away is 1) SS20 considers me an important person.
and shared personal news rather than having me find out later when they post on FB.
I have another story that touches my heart deeply. I have knit all 3 kids there own special blanket and the stepkids took theirs when they moved out. SS20 told me he took his to Kuwait with him. I also know that he drove alone 2 days from where he was stationed to get home. Stopping occassionally for some sleep at a rest stop in the back of his car. As I was loading things into his vehicle (he still had a coat at the house, some memoribilia from childhood, some video games, etc) he opened his trunk.. AND there was his blanket. Its what he used to sleep with in the back of his car during his road trip. I cannot tell you how much my heart was filled with joy.
I'm dealing with some anger issues right now and need to explore and vent here shortly.
My point is that right now you need to be detoxing from H. You are addicted and addicts have to go cold turkey in order to recover. There is no such thing as a drinking recovering alcoholic.
Maybe in the future, when meeting with SS20 and SD20, setting the boundary up front that you do not want to talk about or discuss their father would be beneficial. This does two things:
1) It lessens the likelihood that he will come up
2) It keeps your intentions pure. It shows YOU and them that it isn't an effort to intel gather on him. And it will take that accusation away from him to use later
So I do have to ask.....are your intentions with these lunches pure?
My point is that right now you need to be detoxing from H. You are addicted and addicts have to go cold turkey in order to recover. There is no such thing as a drinking recovering alcoholic.
Maybe in the future, when meeting with SS20 and SD20, setting the boundary up front that you do not want to talk about or discuss their father would be beneficial. This does two things:
1) It lessens the likelihood that he will come up
2) It keeps your intentions pure. It shows YOU and them that it isn't an effort to intel gather on him. And it will take that accusation away from him to use later
So I do have to ask.....are your intentions with these lunches pure?
^^^ YES
I would not have breathed a word of H... but it seemed like what SS20 said he needed to get off his chest. If that's the case it would be wrong to tell him he cannot. AND, I did say quickly... well none of that really matters (about H) and moved on to other things. Again... SS20 JUST found out he is expecting, got engaged, and literally just bought a house the day before. He is overwhelmed and tired.
I'm 100% positive that SS20 does not say a word to H that he chats occasionally with me or that he met up with me.
And, there WAS NO gathering of intel for sure. I didn't ask one word about H... I just listened and validated SS20 feelings in that moment.
PS - I made his favorite pie and when loading up his car and saw I had a pie for him his eyes lit up and he said he was really hoping to get one of these while he was home and was excited and told me he wasn't sharing it with anyone!!!
^^^ That made me feel so good.
As I've said before I miss my family of 5 (now expanding!!!). I won't be a strong presence because it would make my H feel I'm not moving on in his eyes but I'm letting both stepkids know they know how to reach me and if they ever need anything.... What I hope for most is for them to have a relationship with S19. Up until 9 months ago S19 and SD10 were extremely close to one another and I know that S19 misses that too.
So you regularly met SS20 and SD20 for lunches prior to all this happening? Just looking for context.
So you regularly met SS20 and SD20 for lunches prior to all this happening? Just looking for context.
SS20 is military and has been deployed longer than he should have due to Covid. I have not seen him in just over year (last time he was home). I regularly sent letters and care packages during the last 2yr of his military service - like at least once a month.
We are not in constant contact but will occasional communicate via messenger or he might like a FB post or I would comment on one of his.
SD19 is a bit of a recluse dealing with a lot of her own issues in life. She cut communication with her father last December - H bears 70% responsibility and SD19 bears 30%. I have texted her at the holidays and sent her a package in the last 6 months - no response but its extremely common that she doesn't respond to people's text, her grandmother, her brother, etc.
S19 has texted her a couple of times with no response but yesterday she responded to him via twitter. S19 is hopeful to see her in person soon.
SO - short answer is no. Because up until 6months ago I just saw them as part of daily life. SD19 and I used to go for facials once a month together. I helped raise these kids for 10yr.
We are as a family have been transitioning kids to adults so relationships change and dynamics change as they no longer live with you. Have I done lunches and dinners with SS20? Yes, of course but H was always part of the mix.
I hope it makes more sense in regards to context.
You don't have to explain it to me. I am just looking at the optics, and how your H will react. Likely reaching out. Which based on your history I have to question whether or not that was the intent.
Again, you owe me no answers! You do you. But as an outside observer I have to question the motive.
You don't have to explain it to me. I am just looking at the optics, and how your H will react. Likely reaching out. Which based on your history I have to question whether or not that was the intent.
Again, you owe me no answers! You do you. But as an outside observer I have to question the motive.
So if I am understanding you correctly - you looking at my situation are questioning my motives for seeing my stepchildren?
I raised these kids.
My SS20 tells everyone I was the first letter he got when he was in basic training.
I have not said a word to H about seeing SS20 and I'm nearly 100% positive SS20 has said nothing to him about meeting up with me.
Would you walk away from kids you raised for 10yr???
I will never expect to see them in the same setting where H would be there unless he expressly stated he was okay with it. My relationship with them will be private and most likely keeping in touch through text. As I stated before S19 and SD19 were super duper close with one another for years. I'm more interested that S19 doesn't have to cut those connections.
The minute SS20 stated that SD19 had stated she wanted to be there and planned to come S19 lit up like a Christmas Tree! S19 really misses SD19.
I know you are just trying to get me to think. AND, I have been. I need more time to delve into another topic that is stirring some anger and resentment. Once I process it a bit more I will write it out here just to burn through it better.
What I am trying to get you to do is to think about things in terms of DBing. You continue to do things that set you back. Whether it is contacting about his mail, or engaging about the agreement. Many people have told you to go to email only communication. If it is important he will email. Etc. But you keep engaging and then lamenting the fact that you are still overly attached to him. And then meeting with your stepkids for lunch. Maybe it is innocent, but I think you can see where I would question the motive.
You cannot continue to make mistakes that set you back and then wonder why you aren't moving forward. Your H lied to you, cheated on you, left you for another woman. You shouldn't be engaging in things that make him reach out or contact you, you should be preparing yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the next phase of your life without him.
And then there is this: "1) SS20 considers me an important person. smile and shared personal news rather than having me find out later when they post on FB." And I have to wonder.....what if he didn't consider you an important person and you got the news through FB later? Would you be ok with that? I still see you defining a lot of who you are based on how the people around you "feel" about you. That your self-esteem is wrapped up in whether this person is nice to me or not, and that this person finds me important. And that is really no way to live. I still see your spirits rise and fall in interactions with your STBXH based on whether or not he is nice. "He was nice!" And even whether or not he asks about you. "He was pleasant but never asked about me."
I said this before, and I will say it again. I dream of a day when I open up your thread, some time in the future, and see a KC that couldn't give two shakes what STBXH thinks or feels. And not just him, but everyone around you. That you know your own importance and self-worth whether or not anyone else acknowledges it. You have proven yourself to be an intelligent, wise, caring, kind person. That alone makes you amazing, worthy and important!! Whether other people see it or say it is immaterial. You should know it, and not only know it, celebrate it!
What I am trying to get you to do is to think about things in terms of DBing. You continue to do things that set you back. Whether it is contacting about his mail, or engaging about the agreement. Many people have told you to go to email only communication. If it is important he will email. Etc. But you keep engaging and then lamenting the fact that you are still overly attached to him. And then meeting with your stepkids for lunch. Maybe it is innocent, but I think you can see where I would question the motive.
You cannot continue to make mistakes that set you back and then wonder why you aren't moving forward. Your H lied to you, cheated on you, left you for another woman. You shouldn't be engaging in things that make him reach out or contact you, you should be preparing yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the next phase of your life without him.
And then there is this: "1) SS20 considers me an important person. smile and shared personal news rather than having me find out later when they post on FB." And I have to wonder.....what if he didn't consider you an important person and you got the news through FB later? Would you be ok with that? I still see you defining a lot of who you are based on how the people around you "feel" about you. That your self-esteem is wrapped up in whether this person is nice to me or not, and that this person finds me important. And that is really no way to live. I still see your spirits rise and fall in interactions with your STBXH based on whether or not he is nice. "He was nice!" And even whether or not he asks about you. "He was pleasant but never asked about me."
I said this before, and I will say it again. I dream of a day when I open up your thread, some time in the future, and see a KC that couldn't give two shakes what STBXH thinks or feels. And not just him, but everyone around you. That you know your own importance and self-worth whether or not anyone else acknowledges it. You have proven yourself to be an intelligent, wise, caring, kind person. That alone makes you amazing, worthy and important!! Whether other people see it or say it is immaterial. You should know it, and not only know it, celebrate it!
YES... so okay I see where you are coming from.
Relationship with SS20 certainly was strained over the years as he was quite the rebellious teen of two parents who did not get along at all or co-parent well together. Now his relationship with H improved after he went into the military and did my relationship with him.
I did my best. I loved my stepkids from day one because I loved my H.
BUT, unlike his parents my bond with him is not as strong being just a step-parent. He still has both parents. I parented the best I could with 3 teens... nobody's perfect. I will not be part of family dinners, etc. Any involvement I get from now on will be at the choosing of my stepkids.
The fact that despite everything at 20 he recognizes what I've tried to do for him and his sister and that he considers me important melts my heart because he could have easily walked away feeling he no longer had to have contact with me. If he had chose to do that I would have accepted that as his choice. ---- so I celebrated this by being excited about it!!!
You don't have stepkids. This is not something you have ever had to navigate.
I understand you are just wanting wants best for my healing but I'm 100% positive if you had D'd you would not have walked away from your daughter because it was best for your healing.
I know I walk a very fine line. I respect that and my stepkids.
Believe me after what SS20 had to say about H in 60sec grossed me out and I don't want to contact him. I will email him because he hasn't provided the documents I asked for earlier this week but I will probably wait until next week.
Is it the least bit possible you needed to seek from validation from your step kids?
I think what Steve is getting at is that the meeting seemed more to be about how your kids viewed your H and how they viewed you. That it almost seems like a tie to him and you wanted to know a part of that still recognizes all you did and you weren’t tossed aside by them as well.
I don’t have stepkids. I dated 2 guys who kids I fell in love with and them me. And it was heart breaking when they were gone without me getting to say goodbye. I am sure you cared for his kids very much and didn’t want to lose them as well as your H.
It seems like the biggest thing you took out this meeting is validation.
My daughters stepmother is the OW who has been in her life since she was a baby. If they were ever to divorce, I would fully support and help my D have a relationship with her. So I get that part.
Just be mindful of your deeper seated hopes form these interactions you might not be aware of
Is it the least bit possible you needed to seek from validation from your step kids?
I think what Steve is getting at is that the meeting seemed more to be about how your kids viewed your H and how they viewed you. That it almost seems like a tie to him and you wanted to know a part of that still recognizes all you did and you weren’t tossed aside by them as well.
I don’t have stepkids. I dated 2 guys who kids I fell in love with and them me. And it was heart breaking when they were gone without me getting to say goodbye. I am sure you cared for his kids very much and didn’t want to lose them as well as your H.
It seems like the biggest thing you took out this meeting is validation.
My daughters stepmother is the OW who has been in her life since she was a baby. If they were ever to divorce, I would fully support and help my D have a relationship with her. So I get that part.
Just be mindful of your deeper seated hopes form these interactions you might not be aware of
Oh, I'm 100% aware that yes I was validated.
I was not expecting that at all. Sure, it felt good. But I was just happy having lunch with him.
In my defense's I did not ask SS20 for his opinion about H. Frankly I had accepted the fact that SS20 would not want to have lunch with me as perhaps H was seeking validation for himself getting SS20 to commiserate what a B*pitch I am. And, if that had been the case I would never have made SS20 feel bad about not wanting to meet... and let it go.
Honestly my head had been processing that this kid told me he is engaged, expecting and just bought a house all in a matter of 5 days. I'm worried about his stress because he still has over a yr of service many states away. He shared with me that he has been diagnosed with PTSD. I just listened and wasn't prying for anything he didn't want to share.
I love this kid. He has grown and matured so much in the last 2yr. I have told him more than once I'm proud of him.
Thank you STEVE85 and Ginger for making me look inward - it doesn't change my thoughts but I know you are both looking out for me.
I'm still processing some thoughts in general and some anger issues which I think are stemming more from disappointment... its just generalities and I will write more later once I've sat with them some more.
H texted today "need to figure out a time to get together to over paperwork"
Fair enough.
He had called on Monday but I had not initiated any contact this week outside a very brief business email about financials. I feel good that I emailed and just never bothered to follow up. Everyone is right he is an adult and I should not have to remind him that we need to go over paperwork.
Regardless this week I'm focusing on me and S19 as in 8 days I will be moving him into the dorm.
H and his paperwork can wait.
So far have not responded to his text.
"Please send the paperwork to my lawyer."
Kk,
I disagree with Steve. Sucked it up and work something out prior to presenting to lawyer.
Kk,
I disagree with Steve. Sucked it up and work something out prior to presenting to lawyer.
I'm not wanting to do this but this could be depending on his guilt level 50-80k in my favor... I think I'm going to have to suck it up... BUT, it can be on my timeline.
"right now I'm finalizing S19's move to college so it will have to be after X date, in the meantime please get me the insurance information I have requested"
hmmm... maybe that is too long?
The longer this goes on the more time for him to a have change of heart.
The longer this goes on the more time for him to a have change of heart.
Truth.
And, I'm having zero expectations. S19 leaves in 8 days... its already been 6months and I suppose from his end he is probably getting impatient.
Frankly, his son is also in town for another 8 days so he should really spending time with him as well. IDK if he even knows at this point he is soon to be Grandpa H. Not my concern though for sure.
Kk,
I disagree with Steve. Sucked it up and work something out prior to presenting to lawyer.
Normally I'd agree. But KC needs to be as far a distance from her H as possible. She's an addict and needs to go cold turkey.
When I say change of heart I mean on what he verbally agreed to give you.
2-5 plus years on feeling he may have made wrong choice.
When I say change of heart I mean on what he verbally agreed to give you.
2-5 plus years on feeling he may have made wrong choice.
I assumed that!!!
Frankly because he has shown ZERO signs of leaning in toward the M.
Kk,
I disagree with Steve. Sucked it up and work something out prior to presenting to lawyer.
Normally I'd agree. But KC needs to be as far a distance from her H as possible. She's an addict and needs to go cold turkey.
I understand this... I do.
I'm not initiating contact and letting him. If I have to initiate contact its business and in email.... I'm getting there.
KC, I haven't had time to jump on here much lately. But when I do, I try to catch up on your threads. This whole thing with being chummy with H, you really struggle with that. You keep being told not to do it but you can't seem to help yourself. I think this is why Steve keeps driving home the point that you need to switch to written communication with H, because you simply cannot stop yourself from trying to nice him back whenever you talk to him.
Going dark isn't for your H, it's not going to bring him back. It's for you. It's to break you out of the pattern of trying to win him back through means that do not work. It's to help you detox and recover from this, and rebuild your life and move on to something better. Those of us who have been here a long time, we all eventually figured out that letting go is the ONLY way forward. Not SAYING we let go, but actually DOING it. I can always tell when someone has well and truly dropped the rope because their posts take on a distinctly different tone. Most of their posts become about them, their kids, their GAL, their work. They hardly mention their spouse. And they're not faking it, their interest level really drops off to where their spouse is no longer an important part of their life.
Just look at your posts- H did this. H did that. H called and said this. H did this, he must be thinking XYZ. I wonder why H said ABC, what does that mean? I'm eating lunch with H's kid and not going to talk about H, but then he said this about H so I had to talk about H because I don't want to be rude. I have to do this paperwork for H. I wonder if H paid his bills this month? I wonder if I should ask H this or that. For months and months and months EVERYTHING you post is about H. You might make one or even two posts about something else, then it's right back to H.
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. Your future depends on it. Your MARRIAGE depends on it. I've read stories and have also seen in my real life people trying to get off of heroin. You simply would not believe the excuses and rationalizations drug addicts will make to keep doing drugs while trying to "recover". One woman I knew was being driven to rehab by her mom and actually told her she needed to stop and get something to "help me be more clearheaded when I get there to check in." Can you guess what that something was? God bless her mom's soul but the poor fool actually took her to her dealer and gave her money and she literally shot up while driving to the rehab place.
This is you with your H. You're finding every excuse you can to take a small hit of H. Hey it's just a phone call, what's the harm in asking how he's doing? 40 minutes later you are high as a kite on H, and he hangs up and the withdrawals start.
I'm not sure the people here can lead you out of this. I don't think they/ we can, because you would be better by now, and you're not. So again I will reiterate what others have been telling you for months- you need to get into IC. Whatever bad experience you had before, that's just an excuse you're making. You are exactly the same as the drug addict that finds reasons not to go to rehab. Please do it, your life is quite literally at stake here.
"right now I'm finalizing S19's move to college so it will have to be after X date, in the meantime please get me the insurance information I have requested"
Why do you two need to "get together"? This is mysterious, given how much my ex-W and I (and my GF and her ex-H) settled over e-mail. "I'm really busy this week. Would you e-mail any questions or concerns and I'll get back to you a.s.a.p.? I still need that insurance info I requested to finalize the papers. Thanks!"
Note, I stripped out the update on what's going on in your life.
AS and CW
Excellent points.
Truly felt much more detached after lunch with SS20.
Meeting up in person to write down agreement/offer prevents misunderstandings and accusations that I did not listen to him OR how I got it wrong. Allows him to sign.
It just seemed to be faster than constant going back and forth?
IDK
I'm in no rush to meet up. FRANKLY, I am busy now and for awhile.
As for the blurb about S19 - probably not necessary but he will know its truth and I'm not stalling by saying "I'm busy" when he feels I've had months to get this done..... but I see your point.
Well not going to hold my breath on when he gets back to me... not going to worry about it.
Oh --- I am determined to have a strong confident weekend!!!
I got this!
Mowed the yard for the first time in 10yr... LOL. I'm going to miss my indentured servant as he goes off to college.
Sitting outside enjoying my back yard. I'm blessed though it needs some work. The lot is heavily shaded so trouble growing grass. Have taken out 15trees in the last 10yr.
I've been eating outside and chillaxin' while on the computer or even just knitting.
I won't lie... I'm super stoked about getting to knit baby stuff!!!!
S19 is away with friends for 5 days. S19 said this was my "free trial"... as he officially leaves for college in 6 days. It has been incredibly quiet at the house. I do have some things to go through and organize so I think the first 8-9weeks I will have that to focus on.
I suddenly have have 6 days off coming up and it was just supposed to be 3... nice surprise but maybe I shouldn't be home the extra 3 days right after moving S19 to school??? Maybe I should go into work anyway? Need to figure that out.
Listening to the squirrels and watching the activity at the bird feeder.
Some days I'm really proud of how brave I was....
I looked great every time he was at the house. I was strong, calm and gentle boxing his things up and helping him to load his truck to leave me.
I could have been the witch... thrown the stuff outside... refused to be the least bit helpful.
I hoped that one day down the road when the smoke has cleared I would be viewed as having so much strength at a time when I was completely gutted.
Today is just a hard day.
I have eluded earlier that I had some feelings to sort through after my lunch with stepson. I'm still not sure how to put my feelings into words so I don't really want judged as it may come out wrong here.
I feel cheated and wronged out of my family. My H knew I was struggling with being an empty nester as S19 leaves for college soon. To the point that last Christmas I had talked about having our 2 older newphews (H's side) come to the house this summer for a sleepover and time at the pool... that of course never happened for reasons we all know now.
Now there is a grandbaby to be here soon.
OW will get to have all the joy with H over the baby... I'm left behind. Since I was only ever a stepparent I'm disposable. There is just so much rawness right now. I know it will not always hurt this bad.
I called out H today... He texted last weekend about getting together for paperwork and then didn't respond for 3 days... so I said you didn't get back to me about this paperwork you asked about, you never got back to S19 to take him out to dinner and you never followed through with help getting S19 to college.
I reached my tipping point and i am not proud. Yes - I should have kept my mouth shut.
Its been 6months... 6months... so why now... why today when I have been occasionally liking or commenting on SS20 and fiance's posts that now you choose to block me... what in the heck have I done to you??? I didn't walk out on your or cheat/lie to you. I never go to H's page or OW's page --- not interested and don't need the heartache... EVER.
I contacted my SS20 and stated I would like to knit things for the future baby but only with his blessing.
I've stuffed so much down for so long and it just boiled over today.... now that is out there I can deal with it and move on.
I looked great every time he was at the house. I was strong, calm and gentle boxing his things up and helping him to load his truck to leave me.
KK on paper it's great but it was all manipulation.
I could have been the witch... thrown the stuff outside... refused to be the least bit helpful.
KK on paper it's great but it was all manipulation. You thought that if you didn't act like his ex he would reconsider.
OW will get to have all the joy with H over the baby... I'm left behind. Since I was only ever a stepparent I'm disposable. There is just so much rawness right now. I know it will not always hurt this bad.
I'm am sorry and understand being a step parent in a divorce must be difficult. Your time will come with your son.
I called out H today... He texted last weekend about getting together for paperwork and then didn't respond for 3 days... so I said you didn't get back to me about this paperwork you asked about, you never got back to S19 to take him out to dinner and you never followed through with help getting S19 to college.
It's amazing how you still have expectations of this D bag.
I reached my tipping point and i am not proud. Yes - I should have kept my mouth shut.
It's important to learn to control your emotions.
Its been 6months... 6months... so why now... why today when I have been occasionally liking or commenting on SS20 and fiance's posts that now you choose to block me... what in the heck have I done to you??? I didn't walk out on your or cheat/lie to you. I never go to H's page or OW's page --- not interested and don't need the heartache... EVER.
How do you know he blocked you?
I contacted my SS20 and stated I would like to knit things for the future baby but only with his blessing.
I think that was nice of you.
KK unfortunately you are going to struggle for awhile because I think you are finally out of the denial phase. The bargaining, anger and depression stages are not fun. Just try to be kind and patient with yourself.
Some days I'm really proud of how brave I was....
I looked great every time he was at the house. I was strong, calm and gentle boxing his things up and helping him to load his truck to leave me.
I could have been the witch... thrown the stuff outside... refused to be the least bit helpful.
I hoped that one day down the road when the smoke has cleared I would be viewed as having so much strength at a time when I was completely gutted.
Today is just a hard day.
I have eluded earlier that I had some feelings to sort through after my lunch with stepson. I'm still not sure how to put my feelings into words so I don't really want judged as it may come out wrong here.
I feel cheated and wronged out of my family. My H knew I was struggling with being an empty nester as S19 leaves for college soon. To the point that last Christmas I had talked about having our 2 older newphews (H's side) come to the house this summer for a sleepover and time at the pool... that of course never happened for reasons we all know now.
Now there is a grandbaby to be here soon.
OW will get to have all the joy with H over the baby... I'm left behind. Since I was only ever a stepparent I'm disposable. There is just so much rawness right now. I know it will not always hurt this bad.
Yep, unfortunately sometimes life isn't fair. However, that is just the way things sometimes work out. It stinks, it isn't ideal, but those are things out of your control. Even if you and H got back together, based on how your SS spoke of his father, it would be unlikely to improve any. In fact, you might actually be in a better position post D to be more involved in the step-grand-baby's life than you would be reconciling with your H. When life sends rain, look for rainbows.
I called out H today... He texted last weekend about getting together for paperwork and then didn't respond for 3 days... so I said you didn't get back to me about this paperwork you asked about, you never got back to S19 to take him out to dinner and you never followed through with help getting S19 to college.
WHAT? THE? HECK? Really?!?! And where in the DB manual did you see that this was the best thing to do?
I reached my tipping point and i am not proud. Yes - I should have kept my mouth shut.
Its been 6months... 6months... so why now... why today when I have been occasionally liking or commenting on SS20 and fiance's posts that now you choose to block me... what in the heck have I done to you??? I didn't walk out on your or cheat/lie to you. I never go to H's page or OW's page --- not interested and don't need the heartache... EVER.
I contacted my SS20 and stated I would like to knit things for the future baby but only with his blessing.
I've stuffed so much down for so long and it just boiled over today.... now that is out there I can deal with it and move on.
I know you know, after the fact, that it was not the best move. So KC, how do we get you to understand this BEFORE doing something that sets you back? Did you read AS's response?
Thank you LH
Manipulation??? Or just trying to act as if --- like he didn't break me... Wouldn't throwing a hissy fit, being nasty or avoiding also be manipulating him by just being the opposite looking for attention. There isn't anyway to win this but looking back wouldn't it better than I acted with self respect and kindness???
Personally at that point - yes, I wanted to behave in a way that would allow a path back to our relationship. If you told me to act like a total witch because it works I would have done that instead.
When I say I went off on my H.... well let's be real. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hateful. In one short sentence I pointed out that his words don't even come close to his actions... sure I could have put on there the motorbike ride offer... the offer to make more dog treats. But, I kept it to one sentence. To point out that his words CLEARLY mean NOTHING.
I'm disposable --- his dad is not. H and I always talked that SS20 was our only chance for grandkids as we highly believe that the two younger ones will not. Its hard enough to feel that H can toss me out.... but my stepkids too??? I realize their position is not an easy one either. AND, that is why I left it to SS20 let me know what he is comfortable with.
From a passing comment SS20 made which I did not discuss its clear that H's narrative is to vilify me - he told SS20 that he has the puppy because I couldn't handle him... WHAT??? I went to great lengths on trying to decide what was the best for everyone... me, the puppy, H. And, wait... who can't handle him??? He called me twice with puppy emergencies the first week he had him.
As for the block - SS20pic showed up on my FB feed and H commented but I can't see it because after 6months he feels now is the time to block me. WHATEVER.
H tried to say that S19 has been busy (not) in regards to dinner and does he really need help because he is only gone 3months.... well if that's the case does OW daughter need help moving cause she is only gone 3months too... but that is a priority for ya!
Thanks for letting me vent. It helps to get it out so I can get over it.
Oh - lets' add salt to my wound as my MIL texted me by mistake today.... SERIOUSLY... the universe is crushing my last nerve
Manipulation??? Or just trying to act as if --- like he didn't break me... Wouldn't throwing a hissy fit, being nasty or avoiding also be manipulating him by just being the opposite looking for attention. There isn't anyway to win this but looking back wouldn't it better than I acted with self respect and kindness???
Somewhere in between. Boxing up his stuff and leaving it in the garage.
Personally at that point - yes, I wanted to behave in a way that would allow a path back to our relationship. If you told me to act like a total witch because it works I would have done that instead.
Again somewhere in between. Show him you have respect for yourself.
When I say I went off on my H.... well let's be real. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hateful. In one short sentence I pointed out that his words don't even come close to his actions... sure I could have put on there the motorbike ride offer... the offer to make more dog treats. But, I kept it to one sentence. To point out that his words CLEARLY mean NOTHING.
Again, why do you expect anything from him????????
I'm disposable --- his dad is not. H and I always talked that SS20 was our only chance for grandkids as we highly believe that the two younger ones will not. Its hard enough to feel that H can toss me out.... but my stepkids too??? I realize their position is not an easy one either. AND, that is why I left it to SS20 let me know what he is comfortable with.
Serious speculation
From a passing comment SS20 made which I did not discuss its clear that H's narrative is to vilify me - he told SS20 that he has the puppy because I couldn't handle him... WHAT??? I went to great lengths on trying to decide what was the best for everyone... me, the puppy, H. And, wait... who can't handle him??? He called me twice with puppy emergencies the first week he had him.
Yep. He has to justify his wrong doings. Pretty standard but you still are in love him no matter what.
As for the block - SS20pic showed up on my FB feed and H commented but I can't see it because after 6months he feels now is the time to block me. WHATEVER.
He may be trying to spare your feelings.
H tried to say that S19 has been busy (not) in regards to dinner and does he really need help because he is only gone 3months.... well if that's the case does OW daughter need help moving cause she is only gone 3months too... but that is a priority for ya!
And your shocked? Of course that's where his priorities are but you love him no matter what.
Thanks for letting me vent. It helps to get it out so I can get over it.
How about moving forward you post only about you and your son. What's next for you two?
I called out H today... He texted last weekend about getting together for paperwork and then didn't respond for 3 days... so I said you didn't get back to me about this paperwork you asked about, you never got back to S19 to take him out to dinner and you never followed through with help getting S19 to college.
WHAT? THE? HECK? Really?!?! And where in the DB manual did you see that this was the best thing to do?
Can I just say I felt 1000 times better after I did this.
I have put up with his mindless words for months... stuffing it down... knowing at the moment he says it he thinks he means it but there has never been one bit of action from it.
IDK if I have any option of being anything to this baby. I have left it in SS20 to decide what is appropriate. I don't care how offended H is... but I do care if SS20 feels stuck in the middle and uncomfortable. I will NOT do that to him.
I think at the day of our lunch SS20 was really not happy with his dad but I'm also smart enough to know that that could change later that day or the next day and things could be patched up. I know for the most part SS20 is overwhelmed with getting engaged... pregnancy... buying house and I'm sure all that played into the interactions with his dad. Overall their relationship has been way better in the last 2 years but growing up there were months at a time he would have nothing to do with his dad.... there was ALWAYS so much drama with the ex-wife and kids... and I always had his back... ALWAYS. He clearly did not do the same for me.
I've really tried to come from this from a place of strength and dignity... I just don't know any more.
I know what ever happens I will be fine. My validation does not come from my H. It does not come from SS20.
Manipulation??? Or just trying to act as if --- like he didn't break me... Wouldn't throwing a hissy fit, being nasty or avoiding also be manipulating him by just being the opposite looking for attention. There isn't anyway to win this but looking back wouldn't it better than I acted with self respect and kindness???
Somewhere in between. Boxing up his stuff and leaving it in the garage.
Personally at that point - yes, I wanted to behave in a way that would allow a path back to our relationship. If you told me to act like a total witch because it works I would have done that instead.
Again somewhere in between. Show him you have respect for yourself.
When I say I went off on my H.... well let's be real. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hateful. In one short sentence I pointed out that his words don't even come close to his actions... sure I could have put on there the motorbike ride offer... the offer to make more dog treats. But, I kept it to one sentence. To point out that his words CLEARLY mean NOTHING.
Again, why do you expect anything from him????????
That I call BS..... that was my point. I'm not stupid... that was my point.
As for the block - SS20pic showed up on my FB feed and H commented but I can't see it because after 6months he feels now is the time to block me. WHATEVER.
He may be trying to spare your feelings.
That's giving him a lot of credit.... too much credit... He most likely feels I was stalking him but frankly who has the time? I have not been to his page or OW's page in over 5months.
I just really hate him right now. He has become such a disappointment. I mean I tried to see the positives... he moved out and has less of a commute to work and that should lower his stress level... he is at the family farm and able to help so much and he is building a closer relationship with his mother again... With time and space and some breathing room maybe the negative aspects that were building for him would dissipate.
I know I made mistakes in our M.... but he is a pig. I don't deserve to be treated like this --- I've been gracious and helpful and he doesn't want to get an atty so here I am doing the work of his D. STOP BEING A PIG. Rant over.
Hi KC,
I get the stepkids thing a little; I hope your SS and SD remain a part of your life. It's great you're trying to maintain your relationship while keeping them out of what's going on between you and your ex. Having a step-grandkid to spoil and knit things for sounds delightful!
I've been gracious and helpful and he doesn't want to get an atty so here I am doing the work of his D.
Aren't you drafting an agreement primarily because you believe he's in a generous mood? That's a good motive if that's your read. If you're doing it to be gracious or helpful, I might reconsider the decision.
KK,
When you say you put up with his mindless words what do you mean?
Why do you have these expectations?
You know what expectations I have from my ex? To be a good mother. Anything else is pointless.
You’ll learn it will eventually sink it. Unfortunately most people here have to learn the hard way.
Hi KC,
I get the stepkids thing a little; I hope your SS and SD remain a part of your life. It's great you're trying to maintain your relationship while keeping them out of what's going on between you and your ex. Having a step-grandkid to spoil and knit things for sounds delightful!
I've been gracious and helpful and he doesn't want to get an atty so here I am doing the work of his D.
Aren't you drafting an agreement primarily because you believe he's in a generous mood? That's a good motive if that's your read. If you're doing it to be gracious or helpful, I might reconsider the decision.
I thought the same thing. You were not getting attorneys involved because HE was being gracious with the settlement.
Not because you were yet again not moving him back?
I meant to say “ not nicing him back” but autocorrect doesn’t like me .
KK. You change your narratives and it looks like manipulation. You say you kept the lawyers out because he was giving a good deal . Now you say it’s because you were being kind and gracious because he didn’t Want lawyers.
Stop making it about you doing things to appease. Either you Are getting a sweet deal so you aren’t bribing lawyers in, but no reason to be nice and gracious and keeping lawyers out of it for his sake
I meant to say “ not nicing him back” but autocorrect doesn’t like me .
KK. You change your narratives and it looks like manipulation. You say you kept the lawyers out because he was giving a good deal . Now you say it’s because you were being kind and gracious because he didn’t Want lawyers.
Stop making it about you doing things to appease. Either you Are getting a sweet deal so you aren’t bribing lawyers in, but no reason to be nice and gracious and keeping lawyers out of it for his sake
I'm "allegedly" getting a sweet deal ----- right now they are just words from him.
He doesn't want to get an atty. So I am doing the work under the 'guise' its going to be huge in my favor.
Given how is actions do not align with his words... I'm starting to get a clue that this perhaps is just more BS being spewed from his mouth.
Last Friday he contacted me about getting together to go over paperwork.... then he doesn't bother responding about a date/time... nothing.
And, when I bring it up today... still nothing.
Until we hammer it out there is nothing for me to take to the atty.
SOOOO... I'm starting to question am I really doing this to get the sweet deal... or is there no sweet deal to be had and I've done all this work to get screwed over royally.
His actions today to do not align with his words and frankly his track record the last 6 months.
I'm all around in a p*ssy mood.
Ohhhh....
And I heard from SS20. I just said I'd love to knit little sweaters and hats and blankets but if it makes him uncomfortable given the situation I understand and respect his wishes.
He texts back that things are hold at the moment until the doctors get back to finace' about whats going on.... He would keep me posted.
OH CRAP...
Told him they were both in my thoughts and to keep me posted... he said he would.
I’m going to put my money on you convincing yourself you are getting a good deal so you ha e an excuse to keep contact and make him “happy”
Exchange through lawyers and cut the contact. But then again, we all know you have a reason not to do that
You know what the hardest thing to do is? Being up eat with yourself
I’m going to put my money on you convincing yourself you are getting a good deal so you ha e an excuse to keep contact and make him “happy”
Exchange through lawyers and cut the contact. But then again, we all know you have a reason not to do that
He was walking away and not putting claim on my house... that's 50k in my favor. I'm trying to make myself happy. I could lose my home...
I would be dumb as a rock to insist he lawyer up and I lose my house.
I'm trying to strike while the iron of guilt is hot and I walk away with financial success and stability.
I will agree in the interim I'm turning myself into a preztel... but I'd rather that than to lose a home that I just sunk $20k in the last 12months.
You know what the hardest thing to do is? Being up eat with yourself
I'm not even sure what that is supposed to mean???
Autocorrect isn’t my friend on my phone. Sorry about that. I’m known as the autocorrect queen amongst my friends
The hardest thing to do is to be HONEST with yourself.
As I g as you get benefit, but not to make his ice easier. Excuse that’s what you are making it sound like
I’m going to put my money on you convincing yourself you are getting a good deal so you ha e an excuse to keep contact and make him “happy”
Exchange through lawyers and cut the contact. But then again, we all know you have a reason not to do that
He was walking away and not putting claim on my house... that's 50k in my favor. I'm trying to make myself happy. I could lose my home...
I would be dumb as a rock to insist he lawyer up and I lose my house.
I'm trying to strike while the iron of guilt is hot and I walk away with financial success and stability.
I will agree in the interim I'm turning myself into a preztel... but I'd rather that than to lose a home that I just sunk $20k in the last 12months.
Doing things based on money is rarely the right thing to do. Plus why do you assume if he lawyers up you lose your home? Is that what your lawyer told you?
Then why do make it sound one you are being the gracious and kind one when you have a 50k benefit ?
Then why do make it sound one you are being the gracious and kind one when you have a 50k benefit ?
What he says and what he does are not the same.
He keeps showing me more reason to disteust....
I think the LBS fog might be lifting for you, Kit.
You are starting to see your H through a different and more accurate lense.
I think the LBS fog might be lifting for you, Kit.
You are starting to see your H through a different and more accurate lense.
I feel like I'm on a teeter totter.... I'm at that point where I just want it OVER. And, then part of me is like what would happen if I just had more patience???
He followed up with when I wanted to get together to this finished... so I said Sunday or Tuesday. That gives him some choice on what would work better for him and certainly he could make that happen right???
NOPE - his response was "I'm working 12s for the fore see able future"
WHAT??? Why would I care what he is working??? He blocked me FB cause he apparently doesn't want to feel I'm in his business.
So no decision then??? Can't commit to one or the other???
I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I just ignored his reply. He knows he has options I'm done chasing him PERIOD.
[I feel like I'm on a teeter totter....
I am glad you see that......I agree. I would characterize it as manic-depressive episodes. One minute you are going to live an awesome life. The next you are deep into despair that the world is ending if he ends up Ding you.
We all ride the teeter totter early on.......you are far enough in that this stage should be over. I won't repeat what you need..........
[I feel like I'm on a teeter totter....
I am glad you see that......I agree. I would characterize it as manic-depressive episodes. One minute you are going to live an awesome life. The next you are deep into despair that the world is ending if he ends up Ding you.
We all ride the teeter totter early on.......you are far enough in that this stage should be over. I won't repeat what you need..........
Why can't he pick a d*mn day???
I gave him 2 legit choices - even if he is working 12's he could make one work. It will take 1hr max to discuss and sign.
I have already decided he is NOT coming to the house. We will meet someplace public. He is no longer welcome in my home.
He texted me on Friday about a time to get together AND again today... then texted that he is too busy and everything else outside of work is put on back burner right now.
((Me banging my head into the wall))
WHATEVER... you've got my number. I'm going to live my best life the next 2 weeks.
KC—I just want to say that I think you have come a long way already. You seem to have made a significant shift, and that is something to feel good about. Your strength is increasing and it shows in your posts.
Why can't he pick a day???
Because you are dealing with a selfish lying cheater.
KC,
Do you realize that you play a significant role in prolonging your sitch? You continue to enable the dynamic.
I'd highly recommend what has already been recommended to you. ONLY communicate with your H via email. Be the driver of your life, instead of continuing to be a passenger with a reckless driver and complaining about his driving....when you KNOW he is a reckless driver.
You have more influence on your sitch than you realize. You are just to scared to do anything about it. Why?
Give him a date and stick to it. Don't give him options. He's flakier than a Colorado Blizzard.
KC, your H has no incentive to push the D through. I think it's pretty clear he is not going to participate voluntarily. I said this before and I will say it again- it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY he is going to hand you a 50k advantage in the D. Whatever promises he has made are just as valuable and reliable as his commitment to "have and hold, until death do us part" was. So dismiss your idea of waltzing this through easily with a big fat payday for you because it's just not going to happen. You have a decision to make, it's one of two choices:
1. Quit pressuring H about the D, he doesn't want it so just forget it. Tell your L it's tabled for now. Go completely dark in every sense of the word. 100% dark. No phone calls, no texts, nothing. If he serves you papers you deal with it then.
2. Pursue D. Tell your L that H is not cooperating and apparently does not intend to follow through with any of the paperwork, so ask what your next step is to push it through (I presume it would be to file papers and then have him served). Go completely dark in every sense of the word. 100% dark. No phone calls, no texts, nothing. Everything goes through your L.
Pick one or the other and commit to it. You're just driving yourself mad with all this wishy washy behavior you're engaging in.
Also note what both of the above options have in common. Go dark.
And now I have a challenge for you. Do not post "AS you make some good points" and then go right back to the exact same behavior that's getting you nowhere. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. You've been camped out at the entrance to a cheeseless tunnel for far too long.
Do you realize that you play a significant role in prolonging your sitch? You continue to enable the dynamic.
This x 10000000000
What's my strongest urge?... to bury my head into the sand.
I have NO respect for him at this moment.... NONE.
Its still hard --- pulling the trigger on the D I don't want.
So I push him to get this done.... OR I just tell my L to serve him with D papers...
And, what happens if I choose to do nothing??? What happens if I just give myself more time and space... and I give him more time and space???
This is NOT easy. I'm angry and frustrated at so many things right now.
Ok. I think it's pretty simple.
Have your lawyer draw up what you believe this amazing deal to be and then send it over to him for signature.
He signs and you have your amazing deal. He balks and you put in on hold until he files.
KC,
I suggest that you take a few days and then make the decision as to whether you want to push forward on the divorce or not. Why take a few days? Because you are emotional right now and the only way that you are going to make a good decision is when you are calmer and more settled.
If you truly don't want the divorce, then don't proceed, just table it for now. If he truly wants it, he'll get his arse in gear and see a lawyer and proceed from there.
Some of these kooks play games. My xh played and played and I was beating my head up against a wall about a divorce, etc. When I tabled it w/my lawyer and advise him that he was to cease responding to my xh's crazy lawyer's lettters, that's when he finally got his arse in gear and filed himself.
Sometimes, it better to do absolutely nothing and let things ride out. You've gone above and beyond attempting to do the right thing w/your kooky h. Now it is time for him to either sh*t or get off the pot.
Step back and allow this situation to play out for a while. Go dark, do not respond to any more of his calls/texts about the paperwork. You've tried numerous times to get things done. Now, it's his turn to step up to the plate.
The problem as I see it? KC questions why he's not more committed to D in the hopes he doesn't really want to D. What she can't see is that a lying cheater being too lazy to see a D through isn't the same as not wanting a D. He wants a D. He's just too lazy to do the work.
The problem as I see it? KC questions why he's not more committed to D in the hopes he doesn't really want to D. What she can't see is that a lying cheater being too lazy to see a D through isn't the same as not wanting a D. He wants a D. He's just too lazy to do the work.
Yes...
I'm tired...
I'm confused but that 100% on me.
I think I will just drop it. He knows there is paperwork to go over and sign. He knows how to get a hold of me. I am going to do nothing right now.
I'm getting to the end of my rope and seeing the reality that I might actually pull the rip cord and move this to divorce. That baffles me at the moment but I am not closed off to that.
I'm going to spend the next few days hanging with my kid and packing for college. We got this!!!!
AND - on happier news sailing trip to Mexico is a go!!!!!!
Nice 90min massage today... lunch with S19... zoom knitting with friends... packing for college...
I'm so proud of myself that I did NOT cave today and reminded myself of AS's words to stay dark.
I got texted yesterday "Have you taken more money out of X Bank".... uh, no. We recently came to the agreement that the bank accounts have already been divided - he more or less stated that after throwing a fit I took out funds months ago (my half). I've never been to either of "his" banks since.
It has really bothered me that he thinks I'm taking more money out of the account. Sure, I want to text back - I told you I would not do that again after the last time.
But its not like he would bother letting me know - oh hey made mistake sorry I accused you.
So instead I'm texting nothing and going dark.... But, I won't lie its been on my mind more than it should have today.
Maybe OW is stealing from him... LOL
It blows my mind that a grown man can’t keep track of a bank account balance and needs to message you about it. It’s like you’re his mother which is so strange to me.
In any case, stay NC and you’re on the right path.
It blows my mind that a grown man can’t keep track of a bank account balance and needs to message you about it. It’s like you’re his mother which is so strange to me.
In any case, stay NC and you’re on the right path.
In his defense I took care of all that for 10yr. And this is a bank acct that is rarely used... but you aren100% right on why he would text me that.
For starters when I did take money without telling him first it was nastiness with accusations and hate. This time it was like a casual text... did you take more money from bank?
Idk.... maybe the text wasn't meant for me?
You need to go dark with your head space too. Going dark means no contact, but it also means not dwelling on everything he says or does and analyzing it six ways to Sunday.
Post it hear, that you didn't respond. Then move on with the rest of your day which looked pretty full from the above.
I don't think it's because he can't keep track of his bank accounts. I think it's his way of baiting you to get you to contact him. If he can't get you to respond to his texts one way, he's going to use another excuse to get you to reply. Besides, he should be getting bank statements or can go on line and see what is happening with those accounts. He's a grown man and he can look this stuff up for himself.
Stay dark. Watch and see just how many times he texts/calls you when you remain dark. Always remember...you are not his mother and he fired you as his wife a while ago. Time for him to grow up and take care of himself.
OMG - could it be ANY more hot on college move in day??? And to have to wear masks... and his dorm does not have A/C.
But, we did it!!!
Packed the SUV, borrowed a bike rack and figured out how to install it... drove to college and got it all unloaded.
True form as me as a mom I unpacked all his clothes and put in his closet and drawers all neat and tidy. And, since he is my son I think he will do a decent job of keeping it up... maybe... LOL
Home now... MIL called and said "I bet KitCat could use a phone call right now" as she knows I just dropped S19 off at college. Had a sweet conversation. Discussed their annual family reunion in light of Covid not so many people. One of her sisters had a card for S19 for graduation ----- super sweet!!!! Aunt M, Aunt J and Uncle N were my favorites in the family tree!!!
I also was able to message SS20 who successfully got back to his military base. He also confirmed his fiance' suffered a miscarriage (she was just 4 weeks). Hugs to them both.
Now texting male bff and drinking wine slushies... in 2 weeks should be sailing in Mexico!!!!
Great update KitCat!! Congrats to S19. I loved dorm living when I was in school. That’s half the fun, IMO. What an exciting time in life. Wine slushies sound amazing!!! Sounds like you earned them today. Enjoy.
*** I do need to know that I am handling this correctly ***
As I have put out here before H mentioned 3 separate times helping to move S19 to college.... well of course there was no follow through and I know he sees the move in date on the calendar.
I got frustrated last Monday as there was some business items to text. I caved and sort of texted - "you haven't gotten back with me on when we can meet in person to sign paperwork, you never contacted S19 about having dinner, you never followed up with moving S19 to college"
I 100% know I should not have said one freaking word but I was frustrated.
H followed up with "you never mentioned it"... "when is moving"... "does he really need help" H is working 12's and everything in on back burner right now.
I just simply stated "don't worry about it"
From that point I knew -actually let's be honest -I've known a long time I would be on my own moving S19 to college... After H asked about if I took more money out of his bank account on Tuesday I just stopped contact.
So today I'm driving home after moving S19 to college and I notice a text H had sent 18hr earlier. H's texts are muted. H texted at 9pm on Friday night "Are you going to need my help tomorrow or is everything going to fit in your SUV"
Uhm.... didn't he tell me on Monday he didn't have the time???
Well since I didn't see the text until 18hr later I just never replied. I also didn't reply once I saw the message.
Should I respond "sorry didn't see the text until now?" OR do noting??? I suspect everyone will tell me to do nothing but being the nice person I am I never leave a text message unanswered no matter who it is...
Hi Kitcat,
I would not respond. If he was adamant about helping, he would have reached out a second time or contacted S19, right?
Take it as a win. He will wonder how it all worked out.
PLC
KK,
So you’ve been sitting on the fence for a long time and I think you need to decide what side you’re on. If you’re at the point where you’re gonna be friendly with him, ask for favors and ask him how his day was then you should respond to his text. If you don’t it makes you look like your pouting because he didn’t help.
Now if you choose the other side of the fence that he is in an open affair while still married to you and that you will not allow someone in your life that treats you that way. Then don’t respond.
Neither gets him back but one will earn his respect.
You absolutely positively can’t nice him back.
Relationships are about value and how you let people treat you. People will never do or say to you won’t you don’t allow them to. Do you know your value?
KK,
So you’ve been sitting on the fence for a long time and I think you need to decide what side you’re on. If you’re at the point where you’re gonna be friendly with him, ask for favors and ask him how his day was then you should respond to his text. If you don’t it makes you look like your pouting because he didn’t help.
Now if you choose the other side of the fence that he is in an open affair while still married to you and that you will not allow someone in your life that treats you that way. Then don’t respond.
Neither gets him back but one will earn his respect.
You absolutely positively can’t nice him back.
Relationships are about value and how you let people treat you. People will never do or say to you won’t you don’t allow them to. Do you know your value?
So I won't lie I do our friendship, closeness, team mentality but I'm not settling for just that. I'm worth WAY more.
I had accepted 5 days ago that even though he may have meant it when he said it he never intended any follow through. So frankly what a jerk leaving me till late the night before asking if I needed help... I mean either I've figure it out or not but it was hard enough risking rejection the first time. I'm certainly not doing it a second.
I don't have any desire to tell him anything... as pointed out he could contact S19 if he really wanted to know if we got it aettled.
The only part that nags at.me is that I would answer anyone's texts out of politeness.
Truth LH? I want him to respect me. I want him to find the void in his life and realize its me.
But, I dont control him. I can only control myself.... and today this self woke up to a house devoid of other humans. I better make a list of what I can focus on these next few months. Right now the attic is nearly spotless.
So I won't lie I do our friendship, closeness, team mentality but I'm not settling for just that. I'm worth WAY more.
WTF??? Ok so let's break this down individually because I'm afraid you are desperately delusional. Friendship - is about loyalty and being able to count on the other person no matter what. Strike one. Closeness - the person you are closest to should support you in good times and bad. Strike two. Team mentality- when your a team you tackle everything as team and NEVER quit on your teammate. Strike three
I will give you one of my favorite quotes " you can ignore reality but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality". Really think about and understand this quote.
If you want him to respect you then you need to let him know that you are letting him go to live his life and you are going to live yours and then completely cut ties with him. He doesn't respect you right now because you don't respect yourself.
Your still being driven by fear of not being enough. You're deathly afraid he will not feel the void of you.
I hope you really search for clarity on your trip.
I’m going to be awfully blunt ( my MO)
You aren’t respecting yourself, why should he respect you?
Why do need him to see you are a void in his life so bad?
And how can you actually be the void in his life when you are anything but a void? You are there trying to nice attention from him. I screams of manipulation and insecurity. It also screams of ulterior motive . “ I want you to want me and respect me and I’m going to try every angle possible to get that, because I need it for my ego!” Do you think that is anyway going to garner respect?
And what does his “respect” look like to you? Doing what you want because you feel he owes it to you? Leaving other woman and coming back to you? Because that’s not happening.
He owes you nothing. You feel like he owes you still. You have insane expectations of a man who walked out and decided to start a new life.
You would answer anyone’s texts out of politeness? Ummmmmm, you haven’t been answering all texts. Don’t use the politeness BS . He’s not feeling “polite”
You have got to let go. You are going to keep spinning around in the same circles with your different tactics and come out completely disappointed every time.
Let. Go. I’m sorry, but you aren’t going to get what you want from him. You have to give it to yourself
Well I did state - I didn't even see the text until 18hr after it was sent.... I also stated I didn't really feel like replying... and that the text seems mustered out of guilt at the last minute rather than genuine care.
Do I hope that my H will have an A-HA moment and want to turn this M around? Of course I do... why is it that i'm here??? If I didn't I would just said "chuck it" and never bothered to introspect or look at things which I am responsible for in the implosion.
Regardless I didn't reply.
I'm working on my list of to do things. I have the next 3 days off so I really need to find a focus. Youngest half brother just got stationed in Guam.... sadly they are back on lock down there. I'm coming up with a budget where I could plan to visit him if restrictions ever let up... cool thing is male bff just got back from living there one year so it looks like he would also come and be a personal tour guide!!! GO AWAY COVID!!!
I think your sailing trip will be good for you. It will give you some distance from H and will provide clarity. By being around male BFF, i think it will also show you that there are much better men out there in the world and that you deserve better than your H.
KK,
So you’ve been sitting on the fence for a long time and I think you need to decide what side you’re on. If you’re at the point where you’re gonna be friendly with him, ask for favors and ask him how his day was then you should respond to his text. If you don’t it makes you look like your pouting because he didn’t help.
Now if you choose the other side of the fence that he is in an open affair while still married to you and that you will not allow someone in your life that treats you that way. Then don’t respond.
Neither gets him back but one will earn his respect.
You absolutely positively can’t nice him back.
Relationships are about value and how you let people treat you. People will never do or say to you won’t you don’t allow them to. Do you know your value?
So I won't lie I do our friendship, closeness, team mentality but I'm not settling for just that. I'm worth WAY more.
I had accepted 5 days ago that even though he may have meant it when he said it he never intended any follow through. So frankly what a jerk leaving me till late the night before asking if I needed help... I mean either I've figure it out or not but it was hard enough risking rejection the first time. I'm certainly not doing it a second.
I don't have any desire to tell him anything... as pointed out he could contact S19 if he really wanted to know if we got it aettled.
The only part that nags at.me is that I would answer anyone's texts out of politeness.
Truth LH? I want him to respect me. I want him to find the void in his life and realize its me.
But, I dont control him. I can only control myself.... and today this self woke up to a house devoid of other humans. I better make a list of what I can focus on these next few months. Right now the attic is nearly spotless.
I'm pretty sure we had this same discussion 6 months ago. With you insisting you always answer everyone's texts, even if your moral enemy were to text.
Excuses.......
Ok.... but I didn't reply.
Sure in dealing with some guilt for not replying... but I did not text him back.
KK,
Again I think you have the guilt because you still think you can nice him back and that not replying doesn’t play into the scenario. You get all excited when he offers these little gestures fixing fence, motorcycle ride, moving son and then back out on them. He has a entire new life that you even admit makes him happy. Now if you want to be apart of it and get disappointed time after time being the ex wife then I say go for it.
Or do you want to build another life and be happy like he did but do it right. Get through the D and grieve the marriage. Then start to build a life brick by brick. It’s ok to let him go KK. He’s chosen his path and now it’s time for you to choose yours.
KK,
Again I think you have the guilt because you still think you can nice him back and that not replying doesn’t play into the scenario. You get all excited when he offers these little gestures fixing fence, motorcycle ride, moving son and then back out on them. He has a entire new life that you even admit makes him happy. Now if you want to be apart of it and get disappointed time after time being the ex wife then I say go for it.
Or do you want to build another life and be happy like he did but do it right. Get through the D and grieve the marriage. Then start to build a life brick by brick. It’s ok to let him go KK. He’s chosen his path and now it’s time for you to choose yours.
Right now I just want to be left alone.
I'm legal S. I supposed to be taking this time to figure out what I want. I told myself I would give it 1yr. Why am Im being pushed for D right now? It's not my D.
So you are saying the only way I can let him go is to just jump to D?
No I’m not saying that at all. It may help you with closure but no you can absolutely move forward while separated. But you have to accept that your marriage is over and most likely you are never getting back together. It’s hard as fuch I’ve been there. I was with my ex half of my live. Like you I have regrets for not putting my best foot forward in the marriage. But I’ve accepted I’m human and made mistakes.
If you want to be left alone then be clear you want to be left alone. Send him a message telling him that you need to grieve and heal. That way you won’t feel guilty not responding.
I’m just afraid your going to be stuck for a really long time because of the hamster wheel spinning out of control in your head that focuses 24 hours a day on how to get him back.
Hmmm... I've managed to he radio silent for 5 days now. Its dumb to contact him to tell him to leave me alone... lol. I will sit with that thought today and see how it plays out.
It's not like he is chasing me down in text messages... frankly his contact is less and less.
I won't lie about where my thoughts have been. I found a workshop for marriages... not necessarily recon but for finding ways in moving forward with M or D. I don't feel I've asked for anything during this time. It would be a big ask. Of course timing is important.
^^^Don't judge me. I've never said a word about this to him. But I vacillate about it.
Well, I've had breakfast. Going to drive to the next town for an easy hike with the dog today. Working on a new knitted sweater and the pattern is super challenging. Will continue a deep clean of S19 room while he is away at college.
So what’s the purpose of a couples divorce workshop?
A coparenting workshop maybe if you share minor kids. But you both are separately able to support yourselves, have no shared kids or minor kids and you guys aren’t fighting and vicious.
So what’s your goal with this? Smells to me like another tactic or another angle to control the situation then you can “make” or “show” his what he’s missing. But I’m afraid he’s just going to keep seeing a person who’s doing anything to hold on tight and get what she wants. And that certainly isn’t attractive
Personally, I think you would be much better served with a workshop that focuses on healing after divorce.
Well, yes... that is part of workshop... healing and moving forward.
I did say I vacillate about it. I'm looking at it from all angles... what is my goal, what do I want to accomplish, etc.
Certainly have no idea where he is at... there has been little communication over the last 2 months.
Its just one of the things of many that float in my head.
To me it looks like he is in a good place right now but SS20 had a slightly different view... like the only positive he came up with was a short commute to work. So I won't mind read but I 100% accept he is done and he has shown zero movement toward me.
Today's focus on me... 3mile hike with the dog.
Well, he is a relationship with another woman....... so I guess that’s where he is at.
I would look at what you want to accomplish that doesn’t involve bringing anyone else in, like your H. By all means, have some personal goals, but they have to be personal. You can’t bring someone else into achieving them
I won't lie about where my thoughts have been. I found a workshop for marriages... not necessarily recon but for finding ways in moving forward with M or D. I don't feel I've asked for anything during this time. It would be a big ask. Of course timing is important.
This is what I am talking about when I say your hamster wheel.
If you need to pour your heart out and explain your eternal and unconditional love for him and ask him to take a workshop with you in order to feel you left no stone unturned and to get closure, then you should do it.
Before you do it, I would just ask you to consider what will happen if you do it and he laughs about it? Then tells OW and they laugh about it together.
What are you going to do then?
Is there any chance that you will then feel you didn't express yourself clearly enough, and need to ask to go on Dr. Phil?
I guess what I'm asking is "where is the finish line?" At what point do you feel you will trust that he fully understands how you feel and still chooses not to reconcile?
I hate to ask you that question, but I also don't want to see you forever stuck.
There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your H back.
How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your H back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.
To me it looks like he is in a good place right now but SS20 had a slightly different view... like the only positive he came up with was a short commute to work.
This is very typical for people who care about you to say to make you feel better.
^^^Don't judge me. I've never said a word about this to him. But I vacillate about it.
KC, do you really take the feedback, advice and observations that we give you as being judged? Because that's not how it is intended. Most LBSs come here because the traditional advice doesn't work. What we focus on here is saving the LBS, helping them focus on themselves, and helping them move on to a new life, with it without their WAS! I'd give anything if you, I, or any other poster could wave a magic wand and make your H wake up, do the right thing, come back and want to work on MR 2.0 with you. In absence of that, and since he isn't here, you are, we focus on you and what you should be doing or not doing. LH and Ginger gave you some rock solid advice in these last few posts. I see no judgement, I see two concerned strangers volunteering their time to try to get you to wake up and see that you have it in your power, today not tomorrow, to start living your best life!
Believe it or not, but one day you will wake up and realize that you've wasted these last few months on someone that was not even worthy to lick they soles of your shoes. You cannot see it now, but one day you will. And with that will come the realization that KC is worth so much more than he has been giving!
KC keep working. You can do this!!
No, I'm not implying that I'm being judged... just asked not to.
And for the record I've posted my thoughts and internal battles here and have not been acting on them. Sometimes when you give a voice to those thoughts it easier to reign them in.
I will not guess at what is or is not going on with H.
I will accept that he has shown no movement toward me at all. I will not respond to his texts and I will not initiate them.
No, I'm not implying that I'm being judged... just asked not to.
And for the record I've posted my thoughts and internal battles here and have not been acting on them. Sometimes when you give a voice to those thoughts it easier to reign them in.
I will not guess at what is or is not going on with H.
I will accept that he has shown no movement toward me at all. I will not respond to his texts and I will not initiate them.
KC, excellent point on sharing thought and internal battles. I would much rather you do that than to fire off the text you did to him prior to moving your S to college.