Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: funbun Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 06/27/20 08:32 AM
Link to first thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2876449&page=1

Link to second thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2884690&page=1

Here's a recap of my sitch:

H (Me): 29
W: 30
T: 2 years
M: 7 months... and counting.
BD: 5th day of marriage.
No Kids.

Summary

Week 3, Nov 2019 - Our wedding, it was amazing, both happy, happily ever after right? what could go wrong?
Week 4, Nov 2019 - Honeymoon. Wife became depressed, broke down, and then BD. Honeymoon had to be cut short and then return home.

To recap this is what I think caused her to BD: She hates changes. Wants her old life back. Worried about not being happy in M. We also had problems in the R pre-marriage: her lack of affection which causes a pursuer-distancer dynamic, I was the pursuer. We both had doubts but thought this was normal. We both believed that M will bring more happiness and will solve our problems. [More detail in first post of first thread]

Dec 2019 - W angry at everyone including herself. Became cold, irritated, distant, and kept asking for D. Both of us went counselling. W still same. I discovered this forum. I started DB-ing. W became calmer towards the end of the month.

Jan 2020 - W depressed again, I got angry, we got into an argument. W went back to her parent's place. We've been living separately ever since. I started minimizing my contact with her.

Feb 2020 - W still being distant. Her grandmother admitted to the hospital. I was around to help. She eventually passed away. W was depressed.

March 2020- WAW filed for D, but the process was halted since the courts were closed due to Covid19.

April 2020 - NC.

May 2020 - NC.

June 2020 - Court opened. Divorce proceeding resumed.

Current situation: Stopped all pursuit. Working on my own issues, detachment and GAL. No contact with W. Doesn't initiate any interaction with W. Currently in the process of discussing our divorce court case.

Extra information
  • We are both muslims.
  • We do not have a place of our own yet. Living with parents. Weekdays at her parent's, weekends at mine's (This was before we separated).
  • We work at the same place.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 06/27/20 09:01 AM
Just came back from the divorce case meeting.

The person in charge of our case didn't show up. He had to get off work or something to tend to a family issue. It's annoying and very unprofessional of him. At least give us a heads up. So the divorce case meeting was reschedule to sometime next week.

Had a talk with WAW on the way to our respective cars. We were both cordial, she seemed calmer. I mostly listened and tried to do my best at validating.

She mentioned about how nothing has happened for four months, no one is doing anything, and that how everyone (her family and mine) has accepted the fate of this M. And also the fact that I agreed to go along with D, she took it as it being a "done deal" and hence the D will happen. I do not know what she meant by this, does she want someone to do something? While she does nothing?

She sounded nonchalant about the whole thing. She mentioned that she still have no feelings towards me, and I have done nothing. The way she said it sounded as if she wants me to do something and try to win her over?

I asked "what do you mean? do you want someone to do something?". She replied, "no". Then I followed up with "If you don't do anything, then nothing will happen". Then we changed the topic.

We talked a bit more after that about how our family have been doing and then we parted ways.
Posted By: Core Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 06/27/20 01:16 PM
Originally Posted by funbun

She mentioned about how nothing has happened for four months, no one is doing anything, and that how everyone (her family and mine) has accepted the fate of this M. And also the fact that I agreed to go along with D, she took it as it being a "done deal" and hence the D will happen. I do not know what she meant by this, does she want someone to do something? While she does nothing?

Classic blame shifting. She does this to feel better about and justify her actions. Whether its conscious or not and she realizes it or not, who knows.

Originally Posted by funbun

She sounded nonchalant about the whole thing. She mentioned that she still have no feelings towards me, and I have done nothing. The way she said it sounded as if she wants me to do something and try to win her over?

I asked "what do you mean? do you want someone to do something?". She replied, "no". Then I followed up with "If you don't do anything, then nothing will happen". Then we changed the topic.

Same blame shift and I'm glad you didn't take on the blame. You just committed to a M before BD. Its not like there was years of distancing occurring with changes needed. Some people want the wedding but dont want to be a W or H.

Sounds like you're doing well over all. In addition to DB/DR, I recommend Mindful Attraction Plan. By the end its pretty helpful, its got pieces of DB, NMMNG, and lightly touches on a bunch of areas in life and gives tips to improve.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 06/27/20 01:38 PM
The hope you have, and your predator instinct are reading things into her words that are not there. When I hear her say "I still have no feelings for you and your have done nothing." What I hear is "I still have no feelings for you and and there is nothing you can do."

At this point I'd view everything she's says through the lens of her being selfish and lazy. "I want a D and I want you to do all the work!" I even see her implying there is something you can do as manipulation. "Make what I want happen (the D) and maybe I'll like you."

The best thing you can do is let her go. This is the road she chose, not you. If she wants a D then she should be doing the work and not trying to manipulate you into doing it.

funbun, every time you have an interaction with her it sets you back. Next week, outside of the hearing, avoid her like the plague!!
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 06/30/20 12:46 AM
Originally Posted by Core
Sounds like you're doing well over all. In addition to DB/DR, I recommend Mindful Attraction Plan. By the end its pretty helpful, its got pieces of DB, NMMNG, and lightly touches on a bunch of areas in life and gives tips to improve.


Thank you for the recommendation Core, currently reading NMMNG, but I'll definitely check out Mindful Attraction Plan.


Originally Posted by Steve85
The hope you have, and your predator instinct are reading things into her words that are not there. When I hear her say "I still have no feelings for you and your have done nothing." What I hear is "I still have no feelings for you and and there is nothing you can do."


Yeah, I am aware that I might be projecting my feelings into her words. I try not to read into it too much.


Originally Posted by Steve85
funbun, every time you have an interaction with her it sets you back. Next week, outside of the hearing, avoid her like the plague!!


I know right, every time I talk to her, I feel miserable afterwards. I should be smarter to know when to engage her and when to keep my distance.

My anxious attachment is the main thing I have to work on during this period. It stems from an abandonment wound that I developed from childhood. My parents weren't really the best when it comes to handling emotions and I often felt dismissed and neglected as a child. Always had to handle things on my own, no one was there when I needed them, and I always had to be a good child. All I wanted was someone to affirm me and make me feel heard.

Everything that WAW is doing right now is making that abandonment wound bigger and triggering an anxious response from me. I am scared. I am in pain. This is uncomfortable. I want someone to soothe these feelings, I want her to soothe these feelings. But she's won't, she can't and I shouldn't. I need to learn to soothe myself and fill in the void in my heart.

So, I am starting to see that DB-ing is not a battle between me and WAW. It's a battle between me and my anxious attachment. I grieve and am hurting, not because W is leaving me, I grieve because I feel that I am being abandoned again and I am scared of being alone. If I am able to overcome my anxiety, I will win. Maybe that will make WAW return, maybe not. Regardless, I won. I won against something that plagued me for most of my life and I will be better for it.

I can do this.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 06/30/20 06:50 PM
Great post funbun. You can and will do this. Life on the other side is soooo much better afterwards.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/01/20 09:16 PM
The divorce meeting is this afternoon.

I have a big decision to make. I can feel myself getting anxious. I need some clarity.

My mind is rocking back and forth between two choices: going straight D vs MR route. Right now, my gut, my heart is telling me to go for the counseling route. To try everything I can to save my M. Itís telling me, if I am going down, I should go down fighting. Even if the MR fails, at least I can say I tried it all and no regrets..right?

WAW definitely prefers to have D soon. If I were to agree to that, isnít that me basically me conceding to her whims? How is that different than NGS behaviour? Doesnít that make me a pushover? NMMNG is telling me to go with what I want.

People tell me to do what I believe in. What do I believe in? I donít even know at this point. I keep doubting myself. I donít want regrets. I want to be happy.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/01/20 09:29 PM
It's a tough choice. You want to do everything you can, and I get that. The hard part is that if she doesn't want it, it doesn't matter what you want anyways.

Can you be happy if you didn't force the MC b/c you knew her heart was not in it?

I think accepting her choice is not NGS bc you are accepting that you have no control over this so that you can focus on what you can control: your happiness.

I'm not telling you what to do here either. If she wanted to work on things, then great I'd say do that, but I haven't gotten that impression yet, unfortunately.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/02/20 01:13 AM
I don't un understand why you want to prolong the pain. No kids involved. Just cut bait and run and find someone that wants to be with you. You deserve that.
Posted By: WMLC Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/02/20 01:25 AM
Originally Posted by Steve85
I don't un understand why you want to prolong the pain. No kids involved. Just cut bait and run and find someone that wants to be with you. You deserve that.


Gold. This is pure gold. Move on to bigger and better!
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/02/20 09:30 AM
I texted WAW 2 hours before the divorce case meeting. I needed to be reminded again, why I have to do what I was going to do. Is this a temp check on my part? big time. But still I needed to know if MR is worth going through. Spoiler alert: I decided it was not at the end.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

F: What happens if let's say I ask to go through MR later?

WAW: I don't see the point of that. I don't want to go through counselling.

F: Tell me, why don't you want to go through counselling?

WAW: I want this to be over.

F: Can you elaborate?

WAW: I want a divorce?

F: You have no feelings towards me. You want a divorce. And this M is not worth it anymore?

WAW: What marriage..? We've been separated for half a year already.

F: It was never worth it? Even in our first month together?

WAW: Why are you talking about the past? I wanted out ever since the first week of M.

F: Because I want to know. I have to make a decision later.

WAW: Decision on what? We've gone through this already.

F: Don't you think I deserve to know?

WAW: Um, you already know. I've wanted a divorce since the first week of marriage.

F: Okay. You wanted a divorce 5 days after the wedding. You had to make a decision that day. You picked something over this marriage, what is that something?

WAW: There wasn't any specific something that I chose over. I just wanted out. It's been half a year. I don't know why you're talking about this again. Our M was never really an M. We never even got to share memories and milestones. There's nothing like that to hold on to. I feel like you're holding on to only hope now.

F: What about the two years before that? before marriage?

WAW: What's the use of talking about this now?

F: Because I have to make a decision later and I want to know things I didn't get to ask.

WAW: Okay then. We never should've gotten married. I should've ended it months before the wedding. It wasn't healthy for me, especially throughout 2019. But I ignored it, shut it down, instead of facing it and handling it properly. The relationship wasn't and isn't good for me. And all this, you know already.

F: Okay. It has a difficult year. I'll see you later (and I ended it there)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Contacting her was probably a stupid move. It made me feel dismissed, I can't believe that our two years together didn't mean much to her. I can't believe she'd just throw everything away just like that. I also feel ashamed and guilty for the fact that she said this relationship was unhealthy for her.

Nevertheless, it gave me the conviction I needed.

I went to the divorce case meeting. I gave them my consent to proceed to D. They said the court hearing will be in 2 months. Once the discussion was done I went straight to my car. I never spoke a word to WAW. It's best to keep my distance.

Feeling heartbroken and defeated today. I'm going to take some rest now.
Posted By: MrBrside Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/02/20 09:48 AM
Hmmm..

Why ? - This exchange is the kind of thing newbies write. You have been here long enough to know the script.

Put these pointless interactions, and the ex now behind you..If you keep walking.

But on the plus side.. You can move now. So do it ! Become a better you..

You are still young and no kids... You are now in total control of your future, so so something positive with it.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/02/20 11:30 AM
Yo FB that sounded like a fun exchange (pun intended). I hope you put on a jockstrap beforehand.

Listen to her she is being completely honest with you. Consider yourself lucky you found this out before you had children and years down the road when marriage gets hard.

Learn from this and move forward.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/02/20 11:40 AM
FB, this is why we say never to start a R discussion. Getting your grapes crushed is never easy. You could have had this conversation here, with one of the vets playing the role of your WAW, and they could have probably got pretty close to what she said.

This also proves what I've suspected all along. That you are in a major state of denial. And have been for a longtime. I think that is why you gave her the wedding photos and video. I think that was your way, without admitting it, of trying to wake her up. You have been grasping at straws for the last 6 months.

Look, I know all this has been painful and heartbreaking for you. Your story is one of the most heart wrenching stories here. But unfortunately your need to hold on so tight has also made things worse....for you. And instead of DBing your tail off you've struggled with denial and holding on tight the whole time.

As MrB said, you have the opportunity to move on now. No one could accuse you of doing everything you could to make sure there was no chance. We might accuse you of not DBing very well, and in fact, this latest post is proof of that. But you now have the chance to hold your head up high, and move on with dignity and respect for yourself! I feel one of the biggest mistakes that LBSs make is not respecting themselves. This causes all kinds of sad, desperate, and unfortunately pathetic behavior on their part. And it is especially sad, desperate and pathetic to their WAW.

Sorry this has happened FB. You seem like a nice guy. Maybe a bit naive and maybe too trusting and hopeful. But in 2 months you get a new start in life. To find someone that feels the way about you that you do about them. Even if you could have got her into MC, and got her to hang in on in the marriage, it would be only a matter of time before she bolted towards the door again. You'd always be looking over your shoulder waiting for that to happen. Now you can live in peace, and find someone that cares about you.

Onward and upward!
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/03/20 06:38 AM
Originally Posted by MrBrside
Why ? - This exchange is the kind of thing newbies write. You have been here long enough to know the script.


You're right, I should know better.


Originally Posted by LH19
Listen to her she is being completely honest with you. Consider yourself lucky you found this out before you had children and years down the road when marriage gets hard.


Originally Posted by Steve85
This also proves what I've suspected all along. That you are in a major state of denial. And have been for a longtime. I think that is why you gave her the wedding photos and video. I think that was your way, without admitting it, of trying to wake her up. You have been grasping at straws for the last 6 months.


I hate to admit it, but this is true.

What I did yesterday reopened old wounds. However, it was necessary and gave the conviction to give my consent for D. It was a difficult day.

I still feel the heartbreak today, but to a lesser degree. I tried to schedule an appointment with a therapist but he'll be unavailable for these two weeks. I'll take it slow for the next few days.

I spent an hour earlier today to delete photos of WAW on my phone and put all of her stuff in the storeroom. Out of sight, out of mind. I know Steve would tell me to burn them. Maybe one day, I am letting go one at a time.

I have nothing else to do now in regards to my M except wait for the court date. I shouldn't have anymore reasons to contact WAW.

I won't be working on to save my M now. I'll be refocusing on myself.

If I start to pursue WAW again, someone please slap me.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/06/20 02:05 AM
Something that I often struggle with and often triggering my anxiety is the feeling of possessiveness over WAW.

I know that once BD happens, my WAW is gone. I am fired frrom being H. And the M is dead.

I know. I understand. Yet... to be honest, I still struggle with the idea. I still feel this connection with WAW. I still view her as ďmineĒ despite all the neglect.

I keep thinking about what sheís doing and who sheís with. Itís triggering my anxiety, I canít help it, and I am so dam tired of being like this.

This is not me. Prior to R with WAW, I was secure, relax and happy person. I want that person back, I want me back.

Anyone has any tips on this? How to stop this kind of obsessive thinking?
Posted By: MLCxH Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/06/20 06:07 AM
FB, the advice given by the others is spot on. Your W is being honest with you and you have no kids. I don't see why you won't just end this and move forward.

Your W is not really a WAW. She said she should have ended the R a long time ago. My guess is she went forward with the marriage probably because of family pressure or to avoid disappointing her family. On paper you likely checked all the boxes especially if religion was an important criteria for the families but she had lost attraction for you a long time ago and she was in denial convincing herself that things would be good after the marriage. During the honeymoon she probably realized her mistake. She is doing you a favor by being honest now instead of stringing you along for longer.

Yes, it hurts but the pain of D will be larger the longer you are married. IMHO move forward and let her do the same.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/06/20 09:59 AM
Originally Posted by MLCxH
FB, the advice given by the others is spot on. Your W is being honest with you and you have no kids. I don't see why you won't just end this and move forward.

Your W is not really a WAW. She said she should have ended the R a long time ago. My guess is she went forward with the marriage probably because of family pressure or to avoid disappointing her family. On paper you likely checked all the boxes especially if religion was an important criteria for the families but she had lost attraction for you a long time ago and she was in denial convincing herself that things would be good after the marriage. During the honeymoon she probably realized her mistake. She is doing you a favor by being honest now instead of stringing you along for longer.

Yes, it hurts but the pain of D will be larger the longer you are married. IMHO move forward and let her do the same.


M,

I appreciate you responding to my posts.

I acknowledge the points that you are making.

As I stated in my posts previously, there are no more work to be done in regards to saving my M. I am currently working on myself, chiefly, my anxious attachment issues. My anxious attachment is making it hard for me to move on and be in a healthier frame of mind. I am in the process of addressing that.

My inquiry was regarding managing obsessive thoughts about my STBXW.

Despite how I sound in my last post, I am doing fine, still maintaining GAL and that has helped me a lot. I need guidance in the finer details of this process. Namely, the thought patterns that I should adopt.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/06/20 12:51 PM
FB, are you in IC?
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/06/20 02:43 PM
Originally Posted by Steve85
FB, are you in IC?


Not on a regular basis. I had three sessions before this and I stopped because I felt I didnít need it as much. Now thinking of making another appointment. Thereís only one good therapist in my area.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/06/20 02:45 PM
Originally Posted by funbun
Originally Posted by Steve85
FB, are you in IC?


Not on a regular basis. I had three sessions before this and I stopped because I felt I didnít need it as much. Now thinking of making another appointment. Thereís only one good therapist in my area.


I think you need it. I see you having trouble moving on. Plus, what you went through was very traumatic. Get back into IC and work through those issues.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 07/06/20 06:24 PM
Originally Posted by funbun
This is not me. Prior to R with WAW, I was secure, relax and happy person. I want that person back, I want me back.

Anyone has any tips on this? How to stop this kind of obsessive thinking?
We have all been there.


Your brain is what you are really fighting. You need to control what you are thinking about and what you focus on. Right now, you are not in control of your brain. It is manipulating you.

Set goals and work toward them in every category of your life. Long term, medium term, short term, daily, hourly.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/11/20 01:04 AM
It has a month since I've posted something. I am doing well, relatively speaking. It's a matter of managing my mental and emotional well being at this point. I've been reading a lot, learning things about myself and trying to enjoy life. There were good and bad days. On bad days, I just focus on surviving through the day and take it slow. I've been consistently working out, trying to stay fit. I've started personal projects that I've been thinking of doing for a while like learning a song on a guitar, making a short film, learning to ride a skateboard, basically anything that would keep me busy.

WAW asked me to meet up with her yesterday afternoon to sign the D papers. I did. We talked a bit afterwards, it was civil. No R talks. I mentioned that I want to see her family to say my goodbyes and that I have requested to be transferred to a different workplace (we work together FYI). I mentioned that I am planning to announce the D to my friends in social media after everything has settled down, probably three months after D (more on this later).

We have a date for our court hearing now: next week. It's an uncontested D so it'll be a simple process of attending the court once and everything will be final.

I am feeling a lot of different emotions. Mostly grief and anxiety. It's nothing new, and just like before I just have to take my time and process these feelings.

In the evening she texted me and asked for me to reconsider my plan to announce D on SM. A bunch of long texts, but basically, she doesn't want it to be public and wants the M to dissolve silently. She doesn't want people to talk. She doesn't want her parents to face the shame and have to deal with awkward questions about the D. She asks for me to respect her wish to not disclose the D.

I can see her point of view, but I feel that it has to be announced in some way. I see it as closure. I want people to know so that I won't have to explain to every single person that asks if I am still married. I do not want to reopen wounds every time I have to explain it. Sure, people will talk, it will be embarrassing for a while, but like most things, people will forget, it will pass. I also see it as a good step to start a new life. I will be a divorcee. I didn't ask for it, but it is a part of who I am in the future. I will have to live life with that label and live with dignity. I also want people to know that I am single again and I want to open up options for a potential new partner.

At some point in the conversation, I felt that both of us were not budging from our positions, so I ended it will "All I can say right now is I will contemplate on it and will let you know what I decided".

I come to this board again to seek advice on this matter: should I make the announcement for my own sake or should I respect her wishes and keep it private?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/11/20 01:21 AM
That is ripe! "I'm going to marry you in a sham wedding, blow up the marriage during the honeymoon. Drag you through a torturous divorce process. But please respect my wishes on not announcing the divorce on social media!"

Screw her. I'm serious funbun, why you even entertain her crap amazes me. She is trying to manipulate and control you. Announcing the divorce on social media is not embarrassing her parents, she embarrassed them by, oh, actually getting a divorce!

I'm anti SM. I hate it. But if I were you I'd announce it tonight. "Next week my divorce will be final. Wife decided to divorce me on our honeymoon."

You owe this woman nothing. Nada. Zero!!!!!
Posted By: Thornton Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/11/20 02:09 AM
Agree with Steve 100%.

Sheís not in a position to ask anything of you. She wants a divorce? Fine. Now live your life how you want to live it. If announcing your D on social media helps you feel better and allows you to process things 1%, then do it.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/11/20 06:24 PM
Post to SM today:

"Divorce papers are finally signed. Court date is next week and it will be all done. I will officially be single again and looking forward to it"
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/11/20 06:30 PM

Normally, I recommend this response:

"It ran it's course." when people ask what happened.

You may be the one exception. Use the shortest answer possible.


"Two days after the wedding,she decided she did not want to be married."
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/11/20 06:40 PM


After my divorce, I enjoyed to company of many woman. I highly recommend you do the same. Society may not agree with me, but I got myself healthy before jumping into a serious committed relationship.

Check out this link and especially the area labeled MEN:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

Time to make more positive changes to you. You deserve it.
Posted By: harvey Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/11/20 07:20 PM
Originally Posted by Ready2Change


After my divorce, I enjoyed to company of many woman. I highly recommend you do the same. Society may not agree with me, but I got myself healthy before jumping into a serious committed relationship.

Check out this link and especially the area labeled MEN:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

Time to make more positive changes to you. You deserve it.


There's probably not one way to do things--or even a wrong way to do things. I'd just recommend going slow before letting any relationship get serious.

Several months (April 2019) after my divorce (December 2018), I clicked with a woman at a funeral (more like the celebration of life after the funeral) who I had met once before. We clicked when we met before, but we were both married. When I met her again at the funeral, I was not looking, hadn't joined OLD, didn't think I was ready, etc. That probably made me less desperate. She was really into me. We texted for a couple of months and had great chemistry, but we were unable to meet (I lived in another state before moving to my current home last August). She straight out asked me if I was ready for a relationship. I said I didn't think I was. She thanked me for being honest and pretty much ghosted me.

A couple of months later when I moved to my current home, I told her that I thought I was ready. She didn't respond. For three weeks I went on a bunch of OLD dates... a couple got physical. It was fun to feel wanted again, but I kind of grew tired of the scene and realized I liked the first gal much more than any I met on OLD. Out of the blue, she texted me to see if I wanted to meet up. The chemistry was still there. The anniversary of our first date will be in a couple of weeks.

You never know how these things will go. If you feel like casual dating until your healthy, do it. If you'd prefer a more serious relationship, don't rush, but don't close yourself off from something that feels right.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/12/20 10:35 AM
Thank you all for your advice. I will consider them as I weigh in my decision to announce D on SM v.s. keeping it a secret.

Nevertheless, W did make a few valid points about not displaying something private and shameful like a divorce. However, I just didn't like the fact that she is trying to put the burden on me when she is the cause of everything.

I sent a a long text just now:

Quote
"Hi. Regarding the divorce announcement, I do not want to promise that I will not make the announcement. Maybe I will, Maybe I won't. Maybe after 3 months or maybe in a year or two. I will decide based on whether it will benefit my well being or not. It's not for you to decide or control.

I want you to understand that, while I am still your husband, I try my best to be civil and to cooperate and to protect your rights as a wife. However, once the divorce is final, I have no obligation towards you or your family. The consequences of this divorce is 100% your responsibility. In my view, people WILL find out, and they WILL ask our parents. Do not try to place any guilt on me. Let me remind you, this is what you want"


She replied with:

Quote
"However, you want to be after this is over, that's entirely up to you. I will go on with my life. How I feel towards your parents, will not be up to you. It will be between me, them and God. So when I talk to them, however they want things will be, that how I will proceed with things."


I do not know why she mentioned my parents here. Seems out of topic.

She continued:

Quote
"Yes, I remember very well that this is what I want. I asked for it. I filed for it. And I know for sure that people will find out, people will ask. I'm in no way denying that. That's out of my control. What I know for sure is what I can control.

I don't really know why you're telling me all that. The last part. In the future maybe there's no need for that? Because honestly you're just showing the type of person you are... and some things are better not shown."


"You're just showing the type of person you are.." this part stings... She thinks the reason I wanted to post the D on SM is because I wanted the attention from people? I am not sure, perhaps there is truth in that deep inside of me, perhaps not. At the moment, I want to do it because (1) I don't want people to keep asking me if I am still married and reopen old wounds (2) to let people know I am single again.

She continued:

Originally Posted by W
"Maybe you misunderstood.... I never said I wanted to keep the divorce a SECRET. But okay. I have nothing more to add now. See you next week in court"


I'm confused by what she said here. She told me to not announce it? Now I'm the once that misunderstood?

That's the end of our conversation.

God, that was hard to do. I wanted to reply and give her a piece of my mind. But I am trying not to, I know it's some kind of bait. Her reply hurts. It feels like I did the wrong thing. It's hard to know. All I know that it hurts.

Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/12/20 11:07 AM
Originally Posted by funbun

I'm confused by what she said here. She told me to not announce it? Now I'm the once that misunderstood?


Actually, allow me to amend this. After reading again her messages yesterday, her point was for me not to announce it on SM. When people ask, I should just inform them directly that I am divorced. She just doesn't want a written divorce announcement on the internet. However, I simply do not want to keep telling people that I am divorced, it brings up bad memories and thoughts.

Am I the a$$hole here for wanting to make a brief announcement on SM?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/12/20 11:34 AM
No funbun. And man you are not detached. At this point I'd have this woman blocked everywhere. Texts, calls, emails, SM. She is still trying to control you..... Because she knows she can.

Announce it on SM. Or don't. Because you want to it do not want to. So not way he wishes in at all. She's a spoiled, selfish, and manipulative brat. How you don't see i that is beyond me.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/12/20 12:17 PM
Pure manipulation.

When my ex decided she wanted out, she was evil. It was like a switch went off and I was demonized. While she was preparing to move out, one day she came to me and was suddenly nice. She asked to talk to me so I sat down with her to hear her out.

She wanted to know if I would give her $2,900 that she had spent on groceries (that was her only financial contribution to our relationship for the past few years. I paid our rent, insurance, all entertainment, expenses etc) so she could afford to get furniture for her new place. I told her I would think about it and let her know the following week. She was nice as a peach that week while I thought about things.

Then she asked me one day if I had made a decision. I told her I wasnít going to ďpay her back for buying groceries for our familyĒ. Immediately she flipped back into devil mode and told me ďthis just proves to me who you areĒ.

Looking back, Iím SO glad I didnít fall for her manipulation. She knew I was hurting and played on my emotions to try and get money out of me. Evil.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/12/20 12:22 PM
Thornton, thank you for using the word "evil". I almost used that word to describe Funbun's STBXW. But wasn't sure if he was ready to have her called that. However, what she is doing to him is evil. It is crazy that after all she has dragged this guy through that she thinks she still gets a say in how he handles himself post-D.

Funbun, how is GAL coming? Have you met any new women? If not, why not? Why aren't you living your best life and leaving this woman in the dust? Seriously consider blocking her EVERYWHERE now that the papers are signed. You tell whomever you want about whatever you want whenever you want.

You got those Fun! You are going to be awesome moving forward!!!
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/12/20 07:37 PM

Your first text message to her was not needed. Do you understand why?

There is no point in attempting to reason or explain things or have her listen to you.

I have seen some examples of evil spouses. I do not believe yours is. I could be wrong. Who cares??? You are able to break all ties with this woman. Be extremely grateful that you do not have children with this woman and have to deal with that.

Do not put another woman on a pedestal. They are just ordinary people. Find an honest woman that adores you. Do not rush into it. Take your time. Enjoy the process of searching.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/14/20 12:43 PM
Originally Posted by Thornton

Looking back, Iím SO glad I didnít fall for her manipulation. She knew I was hurting and played on my emotions to try and get money out of me. Evil.


Thank you for sharing me your story Thornton. I doubt myself sometimes. It hard for me to tell whether I am doing the right thing. Having you and Steve point out that this is manipulation is validating. I am learning to identify manipulation and learning to stand up for myself.


Originally Posted by Steve85
Funbun, how is GAL coming? Have you met any new women? If not, why not? Why aren't you living your best life and leaving this woman in the dust? Seriously consider blocking her EVERYWHERE now that the papers are signed. You tell whomever you want about whatever you want whenever you want.

You got those Fun! You are going to be awesome moving forward!!!


I was GAL-ing pretty well before STBXW reached out to me. I am currently taking things slowly, making sure I manage my emotions and trying not to fall into a state of despair. I was feeling pretty down yesterday and took a day off from work, went and saw a new IC, had a haircut, met with a friend. I am feeling much calmer now.

I am comfortable around women and decent looking. So, I don't think I will have a lot of problems when it comes to attracting another woman. However, I am not actively looking for a new relationship right now. That would be disrespectful to my marriage and will not look good on my part.

I will take things slow. Go through the healing process before finding a good woman. I will fix my abandonment and anxiety issues, and learn to enjoy being alone. For the next serious relationship that I will have, I will do it right and apply what I've learned during this time.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change

I have seen some examples of evil spouses. I do not believe yours is. I could be wrong. Who cares??? You are able to break all ties with this woman. Be extremely grateful that you do not have children with this woman and have to deal with that.


I do not think she is evil. Selfish, yes. Misguided, yes. What's important is the woman she is now is poison to me and I cannot be with such a person.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change

Do not put another woman on a pedestal. They are just ordinary people.


What I am also beginning to realize is that the woman that I love is not the same woman that STBXW is currently. I love who she was before: this affectionate, charming, strong and funny person. I mourn not for STBXW, but for the fact that I am losing the woman that I love, that is no longer here or perhaps never even existed.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/14/20 12:47 PM
I forgot to update,

I'll be seeing her family tomorrow (she won't be there), to pay my respects and to say goodbye before the big D. A sort of closure if you want to call it that. It's something that I want to do. They were good to me. I am calm and I will handle it gracefully.

She wants to do the same thing. She contacted my parents but they refused to reply to her. I feel sorry for her, but also at the same time, it's none of my business. I won't intervene.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/14/20 01:02 PM
I don't feel a bit sorry for her. This is her bed she made. She gets to lie in it.

fun, I can't remember if you are in IC or not? I really see you being stuck here. I would highly suggest some get IC to help you move on.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/14/20 09:19 PM
Originally Posted by funbun

I was GAL-ing pretty well before STBXW reached out to me. I am currently taking things slowly, making sure I manage my emotions and trying not to fall into a state of despair. I was feeling pretty down yesterday and took a day off from work, went and saw a new IC, had a haircut, met with a friend. I am feeling much calmer now.

I am comfortable around women and decent looking. So, I don't think I will have a lot of problems when it comes to attracting another woman. However, I am not actively looking for a new relationship right now. That would be disrespectful to my marriage and will not look good on my part.

I will take things slow. Go through the healing process before finding a good woman. I will fix my abandonment and anxiety issues, and learn to enjoy being alone. For the next serious relationship that I will have, I will do it right and apply what I've learned during this time.

great idea. this ensures long-term success.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/15/20 12:25 AM
Originally Posted by Steve85
fun, I can't remember if you are in IC or not? I really see you being stuck here. I would highly suggest some get IC to help you move on.


Not on a regular basis, no. I went a total of 5 times since the start of my sitch. Most of IC here operate on a needs basis. I go to one when I feel I need it. It's not on a regular schedule. Here in my country, counseling and therapy services are far and few.

I went to a new IC in town two days ago. I could tell he was an amateur. He fumbled on a few responses that he gave and I didn't feel any better after an hour with him. He was even checking on his phone as I was talking. No thanks.

The old counsellor that I had was better. Though, a bit more expensive.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/15/20 07:21 AM
STBXW sent a long text talking about she has reasons for ending the marriage, ďit takes two to proceed into a marriage that came from a relationship that clearly wasnít workingĒ, how at least she was ďman enough to admit her mistake from the beginningĒ and then apologizing for not being brave enough to cut off the engagement and the wedding and then go on saying that now she is brave enough to own up to her mistake.

The difference between us is while she believes this relationship is not worth saving. I believe in the fact that relationship takes work to make it work and I saw our relationship as something workable. While she gave up.

I was about to respond with a long text of my own, but then I figured I should just tell her in person rather than through text. It was a long overdue talk, she has things she wanted to clarify and I too. I asked if she want to meet up and talk. She accepts.

We will meet up in two hours.

God, this is a bad idea isnít it. But I have to have this talk. God. This might be a bad idea. My game plan is to listen to her, validate when I can, tell her my side of things, hold up my boundaries if she oversteps, and leave if itís too gets bad.

I know this can turn out bad. I need to tamper my expectations. I need to be careful.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/15/20 10:06 AM
We ended up cancelling it. She was in the middle of running errands and couldn't make it and I had promise to meet up with her parents an hour after. Our time didn't match up. I decided to not force it and say "maybe another day".
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/15/20 12:57 PM
Why do you need to have this talk?
Posted By: Thornton Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/15/20 01:46 PM
Sheís patting herself on the back for ending your relationship when you just got married? Am I reading that correctly?
Posted By: Thornton Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/15/20 01:49 PM
I think if you meet up with her, all it will be is a gaslight session.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/16/20 10:20 AM
Originally Posted by Steve85
Why do you need to have this talk?


I need to have one last proper R talk with her. We haven't had one for months. I guess you can call it one last ditch effort to save her. I know that's not what all of you said I should do. I know nothing will probably change. But I need to do it.

Originally Posted by Thornton
Sheís patting herself on the back for ending your relationship when you just got married? Am I reading that correctly?


Yes, basically she is saying she is the better person for admitting that this doesn't work and she's the brave one for ending it. On the other hand, I think our R is worth working on. Though I also understand that it's not worth having R with someone that is unwilling.

We had an R talk this morning through texting. A honest R talk. I explained my view on things. She expressed that she feels sorry but she still believes that we were not meant to be together. I saw no point in arguing against it and simply said "okay". Then, we wished each other well before agreeing that it's best to not talk with each other anymore.

I said goodbye to her family yesterday and returned her things. That was heavy, emotionally speaking. It has been a difficult few days.

I tried to keep a cool head through it all, but to be honest, inside, I am not. I am struggling here. The D is close, and I am more anxious. I know, D is the only way now, but I can't help but feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps I should feel betrayed and angry at STBXW with what she's done. But I can't bring myself to feel angry, I just feel sad. Perhaps I should hate her, but I don't. I've been trying to detach and distract myself these 8 months, but the fact is I still love her, and the loving thing to do is to let go and find my own peace.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/16/20 01:11 PM
Hey Fun,

I can relate to how you feel. When I was in the thick of it, everyone told me I should be mad about how things played out. But I just loved my ex and had a really hard time letting go of the sadness. It took me a long time, you will get there.

Itís time for you to get passionate about something other than your W. What were your interests before you met your W?
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/16/20 02:02 PM
Thank you for the reassurance Thornton. I was feeling pretty bad about myself for not being able to detach and not DB-ing well.

Youíre right, I should focus on other things now. I was into videography prior to R and have doing small projects with that. A colleague of mine has offered me to join a diving course. That seems fun. Iíll get a diverís certification at the end. Sounds like something worth having.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/16/20 02:10 PM
That sounds awesome. Iíve always wanted to learn to dive as well. You should absolutely do that. Once you get certified, perhaps you can combine videography and diving?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/17/20 01:36 AM
Originally Posted by funbun
Originally Posted by Steve85
Why do you need to have this talk?


I need to have one last proper R talk with her. We haven't had one for months. I guess you can call it one last ditch effort to save her. I know that's not what all of you said I should do. I know nothing will probably change. But I need to do it.

Originally Posted by Thornton
Sheís patting herself on the back for ending your relationship when you just got married? Am I reading that correctly?


Yes, basically she is saying she is the better person for admitting that this doesn't work and she's the brave one for ending it. On the other hand, I think our R is worth working on. Though I also understand that it's not worth having R with someone that is unwilling.

We had an R talk this morning through texting. A honest R talk. I explained my view on things. She expressed that she feels sorry but she still believes that we were not meant to be together. I saw no point in arguing against it and simply said "okay". Then, we wished each other well before agreeing that it's best to not talk with each other anymore.

I said goodbye to her family yesterday and returned her things. That was heavy, emotionally speaking. It has been a difficult few days.

I tried to keep a cool head through it all, but to be honest, inside, I am not. I am struggling here. The D is close, and I am more anxious. I know, D is the only way now, but I can't help but feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps I should feel betrayed and angry at STBXW with what she's done. But I can't bring myself to feel angry, I just feel sad. Perhaps I should hate her, but I don't. I've been trying to detach and distract myself these 8 months, but the fact is I still love her, and the loving thing to do is to let go and find my own peace.


So by need.... You mean want.

funbun, the one thing I'm so glad I learned in my sitch was to not sit and wait for anyone. Your STBXW knows she could snap her fingers at any time and have you back. That is called power. And you've done nothing in all this time to take her power away. Attraction for women begins with respect. Until you start commanding respect not only won't you attract her, but you'll never attract another woman either...
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/17/20 06:45 PM

I miss scuba diving. One of the most amazing things to do. The biggest issue I have is the limit time you can be down.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/18/20 01:53 AM
I woke up earlier than I should today and couldn't fall back to sleep. I found myself ruminating on the situation that I am in. My ruminations led me to read old text conversations that I had with my Ex when I broke up with her three years ago (this Ex is the one before STBXW, whom I had 11 years of R with).

I realized that the mentality that I had at that time is most likely the same as what STBXW right now. The same script was there "ILYBIDLY", "You deserve better", "this R is not worth saving", "You'll just waste your time and you're better off finding someone else", "I am done", etc. I still remember how I felt at the time when I wanted to end my R with my Ex. I remember how determined I was to exit. She begged and reasoned, but nothing could change my mind. She went NC on me, and three months after checked in on me but nothing's changed. I had tunnel vision and my mind was set only on one thing: an out and to move to a new R with STBXW.

My Ex was good to me. We lasted for 11 years after all. But the fact is, our R was becoming dull, she became too comfortable and I was slowly losing my attraction to her. Couple that with my developing feelings with STBXW, who back then was this shiny pretty funny interesting new person. I tried to keep the fire burning with my Ex, but after a year of trying, I had to make a decision.

To her I was selfish to decide to end things abruptly. I was an a$$h*le. I know. I felt guilty. I remember being cold to her and was avoiding her confrontations or anything that made me uncomfortable.

The same thing is now happening to me 3 years after. It feels like karma.

So I can understand what STBXW is going through. We had a difficult R before M. She was slowly losing attraction because of the arguments that kept repeating. Tried her best to keep the flame going. She was getting tired. Deep down she feels something is wrong, but she felt that she is in too deep and couldn't pull out. She was hoping, maybe, just maybe, once we're married, she would finally find her happiness. We married. She still wasn't feeling happy for reasons that I won't know. She broke down, couldn't take it anymore and wanted out to save herself from further unhappiness.

She's determined to exit this M to save herself. Nothing can stop her. To her, this is a mission for the greater good. To her, her feelings are valid. Who am I to deny her feelings? She's on a warpath. So the best thing I can do, let go, go out of her way, and let her go on this journey of hers. I know she feels lost, and so what I can do is to let her find her answers on her own. Who knows what she'll find at the end, but I wish her the best.

Just like me three years ago, I wanted more. I went on a journey to find happiness, but that lead me to further unhappiness. In truth, what I've been looking for was right in front of me all along. To be happy is to be grateful. I wanted to fill in the emptiness I feel in my heart. I felt like I don't have enough. I didn't have an abundance mindset. All this time, I just needed gratitude. I should've known that what I had was enough, and furthermore, that I was enough.

I understand better now. This journey is one that I had to take: I had to break up with my Ex, this sitch has to happen, otherwise I wouldn't learn this lesson. If you ask me if I regretted marrying STBXW, I don't. The D will happen tomorrow. I will think of it like a badge of honor, a scar that represents the battles I fought, survived and grown.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/18/20 02:06 AM
Originally Posted by Steve85

funbun, the one thing I'm so glad I learned in my sitch was to not sit and wait for anyone. Your STBXW knows she could snap her fingers at any time and have you back. That is called power. And you've done nothing in all this time to take her power away. Attraction for women begins with respect. Until you start commanding respect not only won't you attract her, but you'll never attract another woman either...


Steve, it was a game of attraction all along wasn't it. I knew it was, but I didn't understand.

I understand better now.

My game plan on D-day is to be respectful to everyone, handle things gracefully, and uphold my boundaries if needed. I can get sad, it is a difficult time after all, but I'll make sure to stay classy. To me, this is an attractive way to end things.

Who is this attraction for? STBXW? Maybe. Or maybe to potential future partners, when I tell this story to them. That I am a man that handled his divorce gracefully. That sounds nice to me.
Posted By: funbun Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/19/20 05:01 AM
The deed is done.

D is finalized.

My parents were present to offer support. Hers too. She cried when D was announced by the judge. I managed to keep myself composed at all times.

Outside the court, I said my farewells again to her parents. To her, I said the 5 things my counselor suggested I should say for my closure: "I am angry", "I am sorry", "I will miss you from time to time", "thank you", and finally "goodbye".

It's strange how normal it seemed afterwards. After the court, I went to get brunch with my parents, then went grocery shopping, and took a well deserved nap as I got home. Like the D never even happened. Strange. Life goes on, as they say.

I am feeling fine at the moment. There is a sense of relief. A sense of sadness. I'll see how I'll feel later and in a couple of days. I know the wound is there. It's not hurting much, but I'll pace myself. Taking it one day at a time.

I'm gonna remove her from all my SM accounts and I'm going to burn her old pictures tomorrow.

I am proud of myself with how I handled everything. I never begged. I never ugly cry. I never did anything out of bitterness and spite. It was a peaceful D.

I wanna talk more, but I want to rest. I have a meeting with a friend later for hi-tea.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3) - 08/19/20 01:05 PM
Well done. And I am not surprised it was anti-climactic. I tell LBSs all the time, D is just a legal thing. Your marriage was over on BD. LBSs don't get that, and they tie so much significance to the D! WASs can leave, start relationships with OP, etc.....and LBSs still struggle with "I don't want a D!" So please start paying it forward funbun. Start helping others here. Use your experience above to show that D can be a new beginning, it doesn't have to be just an ending.

Admit it funbun, there is a side of you that feels that a weight has been lifted. Am I right? And guess what, as time goes by, as you continue to let go, as you continue to do the cathartic (blocking her on SM, burning her pics, etc) that feeling of lightness will become stronger and stronger!!

I've told you before, she actually, whether you see it or not, did you a favor. I've seen Ws that didn't really want to marry their Hs, but did for various reasons, drag it out afterward for quite a longtime. Just think, this happened in November. We are in August, and you are free to move on and heal. If she had held on for a year, your pain would be 3 months away yet. Your lives would have been even more intertwined. Possible having a house together, etc. All that would mean that your pain would be extended, and you would be going through it all a year older.

funbun, you got this man! You are going to live and thrive, and have a great life. I know it.
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