https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2896003&page=1I’m actually so exhausted with the situation I don’t even feel like recapping it as sad as that sounds.
Anyway I’m gonna copy and paste a few of the previous threads post and address them to get this one started.
Well I was gonna copy and paste it but I can’t figure out how to do that on my phone.
So...
MrBrside
I genuinely laughed for a solid minute straight. More red flags than a Chinese parade? Seriously I don’t know if you meant it to be that way but it caught my attention that’s for sure. And no I don’t ever want anyone to stop posting on my thread.
As far as the 2x4s and me choosing to ignore the parade. Idk. I guess I just don’t see it that way? I’m not interested in getting into a relationship. It’s just fun and flirty. I’m not going to have sex with her. I wasn’t looking at dinner as a date. But maybe I need to find out if she is. I’m seriously not looking for a relationship. I’m not looking for sex. Idk what the heck this would be ya know? I see your point though. I don’t flirt with my other female friends but I do with her. This is something to definitely talk about and bring up in IC today.
I’m seriously not getting attached to this woman. Not like that anyway. But than again, who’s to say I won’t in a week or a month. I am attracted to her and she’s a very cool relaxed person.
I’m not looking to jump into a relationship to detach. Actually my disgust for my W as a human being at this point is doing more for detachment than anything. And her complete lack of respect for herself, her children and what was our marriage has been the sprinkles, whip cream and cherry on top. Seriously...I was in her corner to her help and be a better person. But giving up again on a positive step...shows she still has no intention of being a mother that’s worth a darn. The moment I heard that, I shook my head said surprise surprise and stopped the conversation I was having dead in its tracks. I just didn’t care. It’s whatever when it comes to her. She’s just not a good person right now and I’m just apathetic to it.
I’m going to bring up your post and concerns and my “relationship” today in general as my topic of IC today. I think it’ll do me some good. I’ll post back tonight or tomorrow how that goes. But you definitely bring up some valid points. Maybe I am just lying to myself to be ok with my decisions. Or maybe as long as I’m having fun and not getting caught up it’ll be ok. We’ll see
Steve85
Sadly I don’t think my W will ever get the help she needs. I just don’t think she cares enough about herself or her kids to get it. And quite honestly I can’t wait around to see if she does. I have 5 kids to raise and a life to live. I will say I’m moving forward without her one way or another now. We aren’t friends, she needs to come off my insurance and I need to get this phone back to her.
As far as the other woman, as I stated above, I’m gonna bring it up in IC. See what the therapist thinks. But I just didn’t feel like it’s wrong to talk to her. It’s going on noon. Still haven’t heard from her today. And that’s not what a relationship would be like, and it doesn’t bother me. So we’ll see
11dmnds
I literally could feel your pain in your writing. I’m so sorry we are both going thru this destruction. But i am viewing it as another chance to live a happier healthier life. I’m trying to find a new normal. I’ve been thru a lot as have you. The lies and secrets they do nothing but upend and destroy. It’s almost like half the fun is being deceitful.
I’ll update what my IC tonight. I’m not interested in using anyone to make myself feel better or being used to make someone else feel better. And honestly I am not ready for a relationship. So we’ll see
Steve85
Sadly I don’t think my W will ever get the help she needs. I just don’t think she cares enough about herself or her kids to get it. And quite honestly I can’t wait around to see if she does.
Agree 100%. That was really my point. Her issues are deep and are in need of intensive therapy. Likely something she would never agree to.
And I am glad to see you are not waiting around for her. Very healthy outlook to take. As well as your outlook that your priority is raising your kids.
Well IC went very well yesterday. The doc thinks I need to keep doing what I am with the kids. Take them places, keep them happy and feeling like..well kids. Give them the best childhood I can. So I’m proud there.
She also thinks I’m avoiding working on myself and I’m using things as a distraction. She told me she doesn’t think I’m in a horrible place mentally but that I’m avoiding confronting the bad stuff that’s happened. She thinks I’m using this relationship that could potentially develop with D15 friends mom as away of moving on from my broken marriage without actually working through the damage that was done to me.
So with that in mind I did once again tell the other woman that we can’t talk or be friends and I need to work on myself.
Also I’ve decided to copy everything I need off my phone and get new ones. I’ll be returning my phone and the children’s phones to my STBXW. They are in her name and it’s time to give them back I think.
We’ll see what the future holds for me, but for now I think I need to focus on me. With the kids being gone this week I can really get into with myself.
Probably for the best. As my favorite bald Texan TV therapist said, earn your way out of your current marriage.
She told me she doesn’t think I’m in a horrible place mentally but that I’m avoiding confronting the bad stuff that’s happened. She thinks I’m using this relationship that could potentially develop with D15 friends mom as away of moving on from my broken marriage without actually working through the damage that was done to me.
Hi Joseph, did your IC give you an idea of how to actually work through the damage? Is it sort of just waiting until the pain subsides on its own, and doing nothing to interfere with that process like dating etc., until the process is complete on it's own? Did she give you anything to work on or any ideas on confronting this? I do know that working on one's self, one's past faults, 180's etc are part of the process of course, but confronting the bad stuff, the pain, and how to work through it........ just curious what advice she gave you regarding this if you can share.
Hi Job, got your message about posting my sitch, I know I am in moderation, thank you for your guidance, promise I will get to it.
She told me she doesn’t think I’m in a horrible place mentally but that I’m avoiding confronting the bad stuff that’s happened. She thinks I’m using this relationship that could potentially develop with D15 friends mom as away of moving on from my broken marriage without actually working through the damage that was done to me.
Hi Joseph, did your IC give you an idea of how to actually work through the damage? Is it sort of just waiting until the pain subsides on its own, and doing nothing to interfere with that process like dating etc., until the process is complete on it's own? Did she give you anything to work on or any ideas on confronting this? I do know that working on one's self, one's past faults, 180's etc are part of the process of course, but confronting the bad stuff, the pain, and how to work through it........ just curious what advice she gave you regarding this if you can share.
Hi Job, got your message about posting my sitch, I know I am in moderation, thank you for your guidance, promise I will get to it.
I’m a little hesitant to give out any advice just because IC is tailored specifically to me and my sitch. With that in mind, focus on yourself. I can’t tell you how important GAL is. It’ll do wonders for your self esteem and self image. And if you aren’t in IC don’t hesitate to go. This is my 2nd therapist. I really like this one far more than the 1st. So if you get one that doesn’t jive with you than find another one.
So honestly my biggest advice I can give you is obviously 180. Dig into some self help books. Read the DR if you haven’t. Go GAL and have some fun! And IC is a god send. I can read my sitch and tell when I was in it and when I wasn’t. Also read a lot of the people sitchs in here. There’s a gold mind of invaluable free information right on these forums. Also make a thread! Tells us about your situation. People are here and will help. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. We’re all here for the exact same reason. Our relationships fell apart and we needed help.
Journaling
I’ve done much better than I thought I would with the kids being gone. I have really kept myself busy. Saturday night I worked.
Sunday I went to lunch with a high school friend. Than I went to a casino and played the slots with another friend. Actually won $300. So that was a nice time.
Monday I took a nice drive. Went to my brothers house with my grill and went swimming and made myself dinner. It was actually quite relaxing to be alone. Went home and watched 2 movies and went to bed.
Yesterday was actually pretty cool too. One of my better friends wives went to a pool by herself with 7 kids. My friend asked if I’d go sit with her, so I did. Spent a few hours there. Of course the lady I was talking to previously shows up with her children. She did wave but other than that nothing. Went to my other brothers that is in town and hung out with him in the evening. Had dinner and came home.
So all in all I’ve managed to stay busy which I’m proud of.
On the marital/wife front.
I did tell her I wanna meet up over the weekend so I can give her the phones back. She was angry about this. Said it’s not fair. She’s gonna have to continue to pay for them regardless if anyone uses them or not. I said I knew but she didn’t pay for them last month anyway, and honestly it’s not my problem as she use to love to point out they’re in her name and she’s asked for them back several times anyway.
Than Monday at 7am she sends me screen shots of my Facebook post. (I was bragging about D15 and how when her mom walked out she was failing every single class and was on the verge of failing 9th grade, and how I got her report card she didn’t fail one class, and is onto 10th and how proud I was of her for overcoming everything) she’s very angry telling me it’s not appropriate to put on social media that she walked out. She didn’t walk out on her kids just me....I got about 5 texts in a row explaining how much of an a-hole I am for doing that. I did respond but honestly because I’m finding myself caring less and less and being scared to upset her less and less. I just said post was about D15 not you. I’m proud of her. I’m sorry if it upset you but at the same time if she can’t see that it was about D15 and her accomplishment than not my problem. She continued on and on and I just ignored it. I did ask her how she got the screenshot as according to her she doesn’t have a Facebook. (She still continues to deny it even though we literally found it. She claims someone else must have done it.) she said a friend sent it to her. The screen shot was from a browser btw. Not the app. So I’ve learned she’s keeping the app off her phone and looking at my Facebook the moment she wakes up. (No friend is sending this). I also learned my privacy settings where not where they needed to be. So you can no longer find my by email or phone numbers. And my posts are going to be private to friends only. I let her know I changed my settings so she could no longer keep tabs on me. Her response, oh so now you can talk as much $*it on me as you want and I’ll never know. Yeah ignored that one.
Yesterday she sent a text asking about the tax return and her share. I just said I’ve paid your car payment, cell phone bill, car insurance and every other marital bill we’ve had for 3 plus months. You haven’t paid any support for 3 plus months. I’m keeping your share. (It’s not a huge return by any stretch and keeping her share really just pays me back for 2 car payments and a cell phone bill.) She got angry about that. Said I’m not the more an she married because I didn’t care about money before. I just said ok. At lunch time she sends a pic of a typed up letter with an envelope someone sent her in the mail saying they talked to me and how could she have left me for some one that much younger and how she hit her kids and they hope she didn’t hit the OMs kids. And she’s going to hell. My phone starts ringing I don’t answer. It hits me while reading this. No one sent her this. Very few people out of my friends and family know details and I’ve told absolutely no one the OM has kids. The OM either sent this to her to get her angry with me, or she sent it to herself. I really hope one day she gets the help she so desperately needs.
Today I woke to a hello, can we talk please. I just responded with a no.
It’s actually been freeing in a way to talk to her more often. It shows me who she really is and how much of a mess her life has been. How much of a mess she’s become. She never really seems happy. Like ever.
I’m proud how far I’ve comes down with the kids gone and enjoying themselves on vacation it’s really allowed me a chance to work on me. And de-stress. It’s been a huge blessing and I can see and think clearer than I have been able too. I needed this and didn’t know it.
Hey Joseph, glad to hear things are going well! Your W, wow she is a real piece of work. Good job in keeping her at arm's length and mostly ignoring her acting out. Remember the whole energy vampire thing- she just wants your energy regardless of whether it's positive or negative. So if she can't pull you in with sweetness she will try to pull you in with taunts. Just ignore it all, go completely grey rock on her. Boring, dull, flat. She'll eventually tire of it and look for someone else to drain.
Jo,
Keep off the social media with stuff like this. Posting stuff about the mum walking out is not grey rock. Be the bigger man.. Be proud of D15 - don't rub it in WW face though.
As for all the replies.. Most are not child related - so ignore and enjoy your life. By replying / getting drawn into this £$£" you are feeding the energy vampire ( cant remember who posted that - probably AS or Steve85, but i liked it ) - walk away - Head held high.
lol.. I posted this as AS has just referenced the same thing..:)
I'd start ignoring all of her texts. If there is an emergency she will call and leave a message. While you think it is good, whether you want to admit it or not this is not helping with your detachment. Yes she is a mess. Yes she is nuts. I'd even consider blocking her texts all together. Tell her to email you. That way you can go into email and deal with her on your own time, and not constantly get interrupted by text notifications.
Cut the strings.
I honestly didn’t know she was still “stalking” my Facebook. I wasn’t rubbing it in her face. She kind of did it to herself. And honestly it’s not a secret what she did. She made sure of that herself. And it’s hard to hide that all of a sudden I’m single, and have 5 kids full time out of nowhere anyway. I haven’t said anything to anyone about the abuse on Facebook. Just my best friend and family. I am proud D15 has gone thru what she did and how far she has come. I really don’t see the problem. I guess you’d have to see the post yourself to understand how proud I was and that’s honestly how it came off to anyone who wasn’t her narcissistic mother.
As far as the replies, I guess over the last few days to a week. I’ve kind of let go. I don’t think about her. I don’t wonder how she is doing. She’s nothing in my life of importance. It honestly just doesn’t bother me to see a text or reply if I find it needed. I’m not happy to hear from her, I’m not angry, I’m not sad. I wish her no ill will, but I don’t pray for her anymore either. I’m kind of...idk...just whatever about her if that makes sense? She doesn’t affect my emotional state anymore. I see what see sends, I reply or don’t and immediately get back to whatever I was doing without a 2nd thought. I think I’ve finally dropped the rope and have really started and made huge strides in detachment.
I also really like my new IC, she’s been absolutely wonderful and has made me see and view and think things differently in away idk if I could have alone. If anyone is reading my sitch and doesn’t see an IC. I can’t recommend going to one enough even if you have to try a few different ones until you find one that is good for you.
“Give the many obstacles D15 had to overcome” rather than saying her mother left left her on social
Media. You absolutely should be proud, and you have bragging rights but mentioning on FB her mother abandoned her, eeeek, that’s not something to put on social media.
“Give the many obstacles D15 had to overcome” rather than saying her mother left left her on social
Media. You absolutely should be proud, and you have bragging rights but mentioning on FB her mother abandoned her, eeeek, that’s not something to put on social media.
If fairness I said walked out. Not abandoned lol. Seriously though, everyone knows already she left and hasn’t been back. I use to put up a ton of pics of us all as a family. And she stopped being in them. People started tagging me in single parent memes. My daughter made a Tik Tok and posted it on her Facebook and tagged me. It was a short clip of her dancing with the background music saying something about it’s the remix. And she typed when your moms leaves instead of your dad. It is what it is on this one honestly.
I think I’ve finally dropped the rope and have really started and made huge strides in detachment.
That sounds confident......
I think I’ve finally dropped the rope and have really started and made huge strides in detachment.
That sounds confident......
I am confident, but also realistic. Here’s where my mind frame is at this time.
#1. she had an affair for months while pretending everything was fine.
#2. she hid her substance abuse for a long time, while again pretending everything was fine.
#3. she recently made a statement that she doesn’t care if she ends up in h3ll, she’ll just go down there and run that b****
#4. After really digging into the flags and her actions over the last 16 years it’s obvious to me I was willfully ignorant of who she was and is. She’s always twisted truths and hid things.
#5. Do I really miss her? No I don’t miss her. What I miss is the companionship she brought and stability she brought. I can find that in a different woman when the time is right.
#6. When everything initially went down the cruelty she treated me with. The taunting she did to me. One particularly hurtful statement was “how stupid were you to believe I was playing cell phone games while watching TV. How stupid do you feel I was talking to my boyfriend and falling in love with you in the same room”.
This is just the peak of the ice berg and none of this touches what she did to my kids.
So really...what’s the point of allowing someone like that affect me one more minute. Why sit around and pray an adulterous person who has absolutely no care in the world for my well being comes back? And even if a divine miracle did happen and she made amends with my children and me, there’s absolutely nothing to suggest I just won’t be right back here in 5 months to 5 years.
Of course I’m still grieving the loss of 16 years. I’m grieving the loss of my marriage. I’m grieving the loss of a 2 parent family for my children. But I’m done grieving the loss of her as a person.
So I’m focusing on the positives this situation has brought me. I’m a better father. I’m closer to my brother and his family than I ever have been. I’m allowed to have friends and not be questioned about it. I’m a better “man”. I realize there’s more to life than what my bank statement says. I’m closer to god. My children are happier and doing better. It’s not all doom and gloom as it has felt for so long.
So I can sit here and spin my wheels. I can sit in a state of shock and self pity. Or I can move forward with my life. Tomorrow is never promised, so I’m done wasting today hoping for a better tomorrow. I’m making the best day today can be. And that’s how I’m choosing to live my life.
All I am suggesting is that you go to email for non-emergency communications. For emergency she calls and leaves a message so you can determine if it is truly an emergency. Cut off the texting. It is your way of holding onto the very end of the rope.
All I am suggesting is that you go to email for non-emergency communications. For emergency she calls and leaves a message so you can determine if it is truly an emergency. Cut off the texting. It is your way of holding onto the very end of the rope.
Fair enough. I actually didn’t plan on giving her my new number this weekend, but I’m sure she’d find a way to get it. My issue honestly is what constitutes as an emergency for me and her will be completely different. An emergency for her could be she wanted Taco Bell and the OM didn’t get it for her. And seriously, I’m not kidding.
I’ve laid out that I don’t want to hear from her unless someone has died, or she’s in the hospital herself. Things of that nature. My boundaries are not and never have been respected. And honestly that’s my fault. I was too chummy with her and way way nice for to long. And that fact I was available at all times sure didn’t help. She’s had basically no consequences to her behavior from me. Even when I blocked her, she’d find a way to make me feel bad for her. Or my stupidity/wanting her back got in the way of keeping her blocked.
I’ll write an email tonight, just explain all non-emergency contact needs to be done via email and anything that’s an emergency can be left as a voicemail and I’ll get back to her. Actually that’s literally what it’ll say.
I just need to stick to it this time regardless of what happens.
On the bright side my kids are having a wonderful time at the Outer Banks with their uncle, aunt and cousins. I get so many videos and pictures from them and they all look so happy. I love it! But at the same time....been kind of nice to have this alone time for myself too. If this week has taught me anything it’s the old airplane adage is spot on. I gotta but the oxygen mask on myself first before I can help others.
Just a thought. Will writing the email actually accomplish the goal, or will it just fan the flame on the actions? Just thinking that if you tell her "don't do xyz" then have you given her a tool to get at you?
Alternative, is more personal growth. Ya just gotta learn not to respond. And if a response really is absolutely necessary, then keep it terse.
One other trick someone gave me, because I have a tendency to be very verbose in writing, and things in writing can sometimes come back to haunt you. So I've stopped all texting and emails except as a very terse response. Instead, all my communications have been limited to verbal only. I know conversations can be recorded, but it's much more difficult. An even better option is to send the short audio messages that somehow erase themselves after a couple minutes. Again, I'm sure there is some way to save them, just more difficult.
And finally, if I need to tell her something and don't want to get accidentally engaged in a conversation, then I use an app called SlyDial. It connects straight to the other person's voicemail without their phone ringing. They just suddenly have a voicemail notification pop up on their phone. You are obviously creating a recording, but you are controlling what is said because its basically one-way.
Just my two cents.
Well I sent the email last night.
I’d appreciate all future communication to be via email unless it’s an emergency. If it’s an emergency call and leave a voicemail and I’ll get back to you.
Of course she immediately called. Just said this was stupid. Email is the same as texting and she’ll call or text whenever she wants. Than followed it up with a text saying why can’t we just be friends? Why can’t you accept I don’t love you like that anymore and be my friend.
Didn’t respond, though I did smile. I’m getting so much better at being able to tell when she’s starting the manipulation.
On a completely unrelated note. I finished The DR for the 2nd time yesterday. Not to save this marriage but I feel like there is some wonderful advice for the future and future relationships. But man there really does seem to be conflicting advice in that book and on this forum. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this.
One last thing before I head to bed for the day, the woman I was talking to texted me last night too. Just said she knows we aren’t suppose to talk but she misses me and doesn’t know why. She barely knows me but she can’t stop wondering what might have been if I gave it a shot.
I didn’t respond, but am chalking it up to the old you want what you can’t have way of thinking. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought the same too. I do wonder what it’d like if we did give it a shot. Oh well. I’m not ready for that yet. Not even close. And neither are my kids. But it does give me hope for the future. A future that’s getting brighter every day.
One more day til the kids comes home and I get my much missed hugs. I can’t wait!
Wow, this lady is very disrespectful and selfish. And not healthy if she “misses” you after hanging out once.
You wonder what it would have been like if you gave it a shot? Well, I can tell you exactly how it would go. And it looks a lot like you current sitch.
I’m going to be blunt. If you are wondering what it would have been like if you gave it a shot, and don’t see how this is disrespectful and unhealthy, then you really do have a lot of work to do before you begin dating again. Else you will just keep choosing very unhealthy partners .
Wow, this lady is very disrespectful and selfish. And not healthy if she “misses” you after hanging out once.
You wonder what it would have been like if you gave it a shot? Well, I can tell you exactly how it would go. And it looks a lot like you current sitch.
I’m going to be blunt. If you are wondering what it would have been like if you gave it a shot, and don’t see how this is disrespectful and unhealthy, then you really do have a lot of work to do before you begin dating again. Else you will just keep choosing very unhealthy partners .
Exactly what I was thinking.
I would block her texts.
Jospeh, you are in a very difficult situation. You are demanding respect. That is what words are. You need to start commanding respect. That requires action.
I would have reiterated to her that you will ignore texts, and only read emails on your time. Then hung up. And blocked all of her future text messages.
Ex-Ws make terrible friends.
Steve, I was talking about this lady friend of his, not his ex. His W is just off the wall.
On a completely unrelated note. I finished The DR for the 2nd time yesterday. Not to save this marriage but I feel like there is some wonderful advice for the future and future relationships. But man there really does seem to be conflicting advice in that book and on this forum. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this.
Hi Joseph,
I haven't really read up on your sitch much but I saw this and it caught my eye. There is a ton of conflicting advice from DR to these boards. The tone and use of strategies on this board even a few years ago was different. I've had vets send me to older pages or just getting lost in the pinned posts. There was a lot less hardlining on certain things. I've seen moments where no matter how you can refute it with MHW own words you will be told by some one you are being a doormat or my other favorite emotionally abused. I'll give push back. Some people do. Some essentially say thanks but no thanks. Others take it with a grain of salt and just ignore it. I spend time digging through old stuff or reading through the MLC boards when I'm feeling like I don't know how to reconcile MHW's words with what I'm being told. Or how I feel with what I'm being told. The fact is in crisis, it's all the same. Every one really needs to do the same things, act the same way to make it through. Once you're mostly detached, or things have settled down, or the A has ended, or they come home, or they move out, or what ever it may be at that point you have to start parsing out what's simply best for you.
You have to see these boards as 1) a way to navigate cheese-less tunnels to find the one with cheese and 2) a reflection of what a good therapist would do. You can't keep doing more of the same if it's not working to your benefit whether that's saving the marriage or just surviving a S/D and not bringing this baggage into the next. It's also challenging your thought process. There are a dozen people at any given time reading and thinking on what's going on in your life with totally different life experience, relationship experience, and knowledge that you don't have. That challenging is important to grow. And if nothing else helps you to better establish who you are and what you are and aren't willing to do in this situation. Nothing with this stuff is one size fits all because of the mother of all variables, the human variable. You have to account that no matter how similar some sitches are not a single one of them are actually alike. One of the golden rules around here is take what works for you (you personally, your values, what is best for your mental and emotional well being, and your sitch) and leave what doesn't. You don't have to do everything every single person tells you to do on here. This place isn't the end all be all of DBing. It's just a place to connect with other people who understand what you're going though and a place to develop coping, and navigating strategies, like you're own personal war room for this messy time in your life.
Just always keep in mind, take what works for you leave what doesn't. Good luck. And stay strong.
WF, I am going to push back on that a bit.
I think the perceived differences are LBSs not wanting to do the hard work necessary to get them to where they want to be. The "hardlining" is mostly when there is an open PA that the WAS/WS is unabashedly engaging in.....and then trying to have their LBS allow them to cake eat. I saw no where in MWD's writings where she encouraged letting the WAS/WS run over a LBS.
And Joseph's situation is a perfect example of that. A WS. That wants to do whatever she wants, and be loved, liked and respected by her LBS and their shared kids. This behavior not only includes lying and cheating and substance abuse,but physical abuse to the kids. Joseph's sitch is a perfect example of a situation that requires an extremely firm hand! His W, to come back would need to deal with multiple diagnoses. Addiction, emotional and physical abuse, a compunction to sleep with people she is not married to.
It would be unconscionable to tell Joseph, "Just keep DBing and when she is ready to come back, accept her with open arms!" They still have minor children that he would be putting in harm's way!
WF, I am not bashing you because you admit that you do not have the details of his sitch. But is it possible that all situations are different? And that there are situations that require a very firm, hardliner approach?
I get asked all the time, "Steve, how did you get to Ring and piecing with your W?" I always hesitate to answer that because usually the person asking is looking for the magic bullet. The right thing to do or the right thing to say in order to get their spouse to come back. And that simply doesn't exist. If it did, MWD or another author would have written that down and this forum wouldn't exist because 97.5% of all sitches would be solved with that magic bullet.
Another reason there is hardliner advice given here is because so many LBSs come here in a state of denial (note: this is not Joseph). Difficult, blunt, and painful advice is necessary for those LBSs. An example of this is the number of LBSs that come here convinced that their spouse just got fed up and wants to D, but that there is no A going on. Unfortunately, in the vast majority of the cases there is an A, and the signs are all there, but the LBS is to far into denial to see them. No one has saved their MR in a state of denial, and even worse, those same LBS have had the biggest struggle letting go and moving on even when their WAS/WS has moved out, moved in with the AP and even in some cases married their AP.
There are also a lot of situations on this forums where the advice is much more upbeat, and there are signs that things are moving in the right direction. Those threads do not get nearly as much attention because the poster is usually here only for a short time. Most of the sitches that move to Ring and Piecing are never heard from again. That is why so many LBS come here and get depressed because the active sitches tend to end the other direction.
But you are right in general. Posters should feel free to take the advice they think is helpful, and ignore the advice they do not. We all agree to do what works. I've told countless posters, if you do not want me commenting on your sitch simply state it and I will stop and go to threads that want me there.
Wow, this lady is very disrespectful and selfish. And not healthy if she “misses” you after hanging out once.
You wonder what it would have been like if you gave it a shot? Well, I can tell you exactly how it would go. And it looks a lot like you current sitch.
I’m going to be blunt. If you are wondering what it would have been like if you gave it a shot, and don’t see how this is disrespectful and unhealthy, then you really do have a lot of work to do before you begin dating again. Else you will just keep choosing very unhealthy partners .
This 100%
This comes back to boundaries. Healthy minded people know their boundaries and stick to them. They also respect other people’s boundaries or wishes.
Look at your wife and her reply.. she does not respect boundaries and you see this / know this. Why? Because she has issues..
New lady friend.. Red Flags Joe... BIG red flags from day 1, but she is attractive and showing you the attention you desire.. hence you are in a pickle..
Just like the ex, she didn’t respect your boundaries to keep her distance.. no respect of your boundaries and too much too soon in relation to the effort she has made.. these type of people prey on damaged people.. why? Because rational and healthy people smell crazy and wouldn’t be interested after a date or two.. The type of people who love bomb you like this will not respect boundaries and cast you away just as quickly as they reeled you in. Unless you work on you, expect this to go full circle with another crazy lady.
Ginger, you are 100% spot on. It’s why I know I’m not ready. I personally thought of it this way. Let’s say a few years down the line I was ready to go on a date. Something casual with no real expectations besides having fun, would I pick someone like me? Someone still technically married, a little over 3 months out of BD, with all this baggage that’s happened. Absolutely not!! I’d want no parts of that.
I still have way to much personal healing to do. I have way to many miles in my shoes to walk. And my kids aren’t even close to ready for that too. And my wondering what it’s be like to be with her or how it would end up has more to do with missing having a connection with a female that’s my age than to do with the actual person she is. So huge red flag there for myself let alone her. I know I’m not ready or in the right mind frame to have a healthy relationship. And I know she isn’t either or she’s desperate to have a man in her life and sees I’m vulnerable and easy pickings. Either way I didn’t respond and won’t.
Wayfarer, I absolutely see your point. There’s parts in the book, and maybe I miss read it, but it’s the polar opposite of the advice given on this forum. I’ll re read the one part this evening to make sure I’m not talking out my rear before I say anything for sure, but there’s one part that’s just flat out really?? Lol. I try to take some advice given to me from every poster. But like in real life, everyone here does have a different experience and personality and are willing to tolerate things differently than others.
Steve, you and ginger are both right. My STBXW is ridiculously disrespectful and selfish and more than a few screws are missing and the woman I was talking to is too. Just not necessarily to the same extent. I don’t know if anyone could be to the extent my W has been. I’ve grown to much to allow it.
MrBrside...I immediately thought of your more red flags than a Chinese parade the moment I saw you reply. Lol. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever forget you saying that. Anyway, I am working on me. And I’m being selfish about it with everyone except my kids. I’m only 37, hopefully I still have a lot of trips left around the sun, no need to rush into anything except a better relationship with myself.
Wow, this lady is very disrespectful and selfish. And not healthy if she “misses” you after hanging out once.
You wonder what it would have been like if you gave it a shot? Well, I can tell you exactly how it would go. And it looks a lot like you current sitch.
I’m going to be blunt. If you are wondering what it would have been like if you gave it a shot, and don’t see how this is disrespectful and unhealthy, then you really do have a lot of work to do before you begin dating again. Else you will just keep choosing very unhealthy partners .
Exactly what I was thinking.
I would block her texts.
Jospeh, you are in a very difficult situation. You are demanding respect. That is what words are. You need to start commanding respect. That requires action.
I would have reiterated to her that you will ignore texts, and only read emails on your time. Then hung up. And blocked all of her future text messages.
Ex-Ws make terrible friends.
Oh I didn’t answer the phone. It was left as a voicemail. And I didn’t respond to the text. That’s feeding the energy vampire. (See I’m learning). These are my boundaries. They will be respected or we won’t communicate at all.
Hey Joseph, I haven't been able to post much lately. Probably about the longest time I've been away from the board. I didn't want you to think I had forsaken you. You are getting good advice from the others. I think you are crossing a bridge now, and are going to start focusing on your personal goals, desires for your future, etc. Continue working with your IC. You are getting stronger.
((hugs))
Hey Joseph, I haven't been able to post much lately. Probably about the longest time I've been away from the board. I didn't want you to think I had forsaken you. You are getting good advice from the others. I think you are crossing a bridge now, and are going to start focusing on your personal goals, desires for your future, etc. Continue working with your IC. You are getting stronger.
((hugs))
I wouldn’t ever think that. I’m glad you posted and I really hope everything is ok your way! And thank you so much. I am getting stronger. This is without a doubt the longest I’ve gone without questioning everything and what is going to happen to me. I’m in control of myself and no one else. And my new therapist as been an absolute god send. I can’t stress that enough. There is someone that I know follows my sitch and will occasionally post in it. I hope they see this. I’ve said it a few times for their benefit. IC with the right therapist has been the absolute best thing I could do for myself!
Journaling
Kids came home yesterday, something happened i never thought would. I actually had to adjust to it lol. This past week may have been the best week I’ve had in a long time for my mental health. I figured so much out about myself. Rediscovered who I am. And I couldn’t be happier. My STBXW has written me everyday. But I’ve ignored it. Just more nonsense designed to get a reaction out of me. Funny thing is I can tell they’re getting more and more desperate.
I really don’t have much to say for once. I’m happy and I feel like I’m in a great place mentally and emotionally.
Journaling
Kids came home yesterday, something happened i never thought would. I actually had to adjust to it lol. This past week may have been the best week I’ve had in a long time for my mental health. I figured so much out about myself. Rediscovered who I am. And I couldn’t be happier. My STBXW has written me everyday. But I’ve ignored it. Just more nonsense designed to get a reaction out of me. Funny thing is I can tell they’re getting more and more desperate.
I really don’t have much to say for once. I’m happy and I feel like I’m in a great place mentally and emotionally.
Awesome! This is what we'd hoped to hear.
Journaling
I’ve been talking to someone for a few days. And last night I went to her house. I stayed til 4am. (Kids were at a sleepover at my brothers)...this woman, she made time stand still. She held my hand and it was everything. The way she hugged me, it was everything. She’s well educated, very smart, and goal oriented. She’s absolutely amazing in every single way.
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t care what anyone is about to say. I’m not ready. It’s too soon. She hugged me goodbye for 20 mins. And I’m not exaggerating. And it wasn’t long enough. It’s not a physical thing. It’s different. I swear as absolutely insane as it sounds...i already miss her touch. The feel of her hand in mine. Her voice in my ear. The smell of her neck.
We sat on a bench in her back yard til 4am and we didn’t kiss. She knows everything I’ve been through. Her response is I’m here if you need to talk. I’m here if you want me to go with you to counseling. She also said she’ll go away if that’s what is best for me. She doesn’t call me during the day. She doesn’t text me besides to say good morning and call her when the kids are in bed. She’s amazing. I don’t want her to go away. I don’t want to lose the chance I know this woman will provide. Whatever that is.
Again, I know I’m gonna get people telling I’m not ready and this is unhealthy. This will end badly. Etc. But I truly don’t care.
I’ve been there. The dopamine hit Is amazing when after months or even years of anguish, we meet this too good to be true person.
I understand that you probably won’t take anyone’s advice to not jump in so I’ll give you my best advice. Google: love bombing. The way you describe this woman being so amazingly perfect, is kind of a red flag that reeks of chameleon behavior aka someone who is possibly BPD or NPD.
Just educate yourself before you dive in. You are primed for a huge setback if your judgement about this woman is wrong.
Joseph, in most cases I'm a wet blanket. In your case, I'm so anxious to see you so far away from your STBXW, that if meeting someone means that, then so be it. I do pause again for the kids, since seeing their dad date is tough. My W has been through it.
The apostle Paul encourages Christians that can contain themselves to forego marriage to be able to give 100% of to the work of the Lord. But he says it's better to marry than to burn. Meaning in lust. That's my attitude. If divorced parents can hold off until their youngest is 18, then that is best. But it's better to remarry than to burn.
I’ve been there. The dopamine hit Is amazing when after months or even years of anguish, we meet this too good to be true person.
I understand that you probably won’t take anyone’s advice to not jump in so I’ll give you my best advice. Google: love bombing. The way you describe this woman being so amazingly perfect, is kind of a red flag that reeks of chameleon behavior aka someone who is possibly BPD or NPD.
Just educate yourself before you dive in. You are primed for a huge setback if your judgement about this woman is wrong.
I looked up love bombing before. I honestly have no idea if this is it. But I’ll tell you for now in this moment I’m happy. With or without her. And the without her part is what’s important to me.
Joseph, in most cases I'm a wet blanket. In your case, I'm so anxious to see you so far away from your STBXW, that if meeting someone means that, then so be it. I do pause again for the kids, since seeing their dad date is tough. My W has been through it.
The apostle Paul encourages Christians that can contain themselves to forego marriage to be able to give 100% of to the work of the Lord. But he says it's better to marry than to burn. Meaning in lust. That's my attitude. If divorced parents can hold off until their youngest is 18, then that is best. But it's better to remarry than to burn.
I appreciate the religious aspect of your comment. Honestly I prayed, and I prayed hard, and this feels right. It’s weird. The lust part doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s not that I’m lonely and want a companion. I just, ran into someone who I instantly respected. And honestly seems to care far more about me and my relationships with my kids than herself and my relationship with her.
She asked if she could see me tonight. My 3 youngest went to my mothers tonight. She wanted to get them Chinese food and ice cream. And they wanted to have a sleepover at nanas with the dogS. S17 is out with his friends and D15 went to her best friends house. (The best friend and her boyfriend broke up so girl time for support was in order) Anyway i get to her house and she has a blanket out in the yard. She asked me over to lay down and look at the stars. We later there for 2 hours talking about nothing and holding hands. When I left I gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Like I said I know I’m not going to hear much positive. And I’m ok with that. I was in an honest to goodness place mentally and emotionally when she showed up. And she keeps me there. Doesn’t make things complicated and respects my kids and my relationships.
Here’s the real kicker that absolutely sold me. She asked me if I’d ever want to go church with her. She considered that to be a good first “date”. Seriously in this day in ago, that’s an amazing idea for a date.
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t care what anyone is about to say. I’m not ready. It’s too soon. She hugged me goodbye for 20 mins. And I’m not exaggerating. And it wasn’t long enough. It’s not a physical thing. It’s different. I swear as absolutely insane as it sounds...i already miss her touch. The feel of her hand in mine. Her voice in my ear. The smell of her neck.
I've mentioned if before and Thorton just reitterated it - Dopamine...
The stuff that affairs are made of... It's very addictive and rational goes out of the window.. The wayward drug and the mindset it creates - a few hits of dopamine and for the cheater and its a case of "well i've not been happy for years", "oh you never understood me", " oh this guy treats me better " , "oh true love" etc etc - We have all been there, got the tshirt.
Every person here knows you can't reason with somebody on this high..
A few hits and dopamine addiction sends logic into free fall - usually resulting in a massive affair down and they are on track to lose everything.. Look at the rational of a cheater - You or their friends attempt to reason / apply logic to this emotional cluster ***& / free fall and the reply will be :
I know I’m gonna get people telling I’m not ready and this is unhealthy. This will end badly. Etc. But I truly don’t care.
Why does it end badly - why do 98% of affairs fail eventually - the person / people in them don't work on their issues - Just like you aren't. You may not be in an affair, but all logic has gone.
Why don't they / you care - becuase i want my dopamine hit and i want it now !
Once that dopamine hits, nothing else matters - spouse, kids, house - out comes to excuses to see the new lover, no matter the cost to the relationship , family or career..
My 3 youngest went to my mothers tonight. She wanted to get them Chinese food and ice cream. And they wanted to have a sleepover at nanas with the dogS. S17 is out with his friends and D15 went to her best friends house. (The best friend and her boyfriend broke up so girl time for support was in order
You have spent months telling us how you are going to be the rock for the kids. I wonder how long before your children start to visit your mothers a lot more often, or you leave them with your eldest - maybe even start to tell them you need to work later / different shifts. - But just like a cheating spouse, you will justify it in one way or another to convince yourself what you are doing isnt wrong / affecting your children. - Again, you may not be wayward, but your love struck mindset is just like that of a wayward.
You are entitled to a life, but your focus should be your kids IMO.
Thats said, your posts above show you are functioning on pure emotion - You can't reason with emotion - so i'm wasting my time writing here, hence i will keep it short.
Best of luck.
MrBrside,
I’m not running on pure emotion. It’s not like she’s the first thing I think of when I wake up or the last when I go to sleep. I don’t spend all day talking to her or thinking about her. I think it’s great I found someone who’s perfectly fine with taking things slow. Who’s well educated and doesn’t curse like a sailor and is religious.
They like spending the night at my brothers because he’s has kids that are close to their age. (And a large Inground pool lol). But seriously it’s a bad thing my mother wanted to see her grand kids and have the 3 youngest spend the night? I didn’t ask her to take them. With that line of thinking I guess I shouldn’t let my kids spend the night at their friends house either? I wouldn’t have mattered if i stayed home all last night I still would have let them go to their grand parents. They like seeing her, they like that she allows desert before dinner etc. I’m sorry but yeah I don’t see the logic in keeping them home 24/7. I would like them to feel as normal as possible.
I would also like to add me and this lady aren’t in a relationship. Won’t be anytime soon. I’m still working on myself. Still seeing my IC. Still putting my kids first. They still see their therapists. We don’t talk unless the kids are in bed and the texting is kept to good morning have a nice day. She’s not pushing, she’s not over whelming. She’s kind and understanding. She’s soft spoken and not overbearing. For me personally she checks all on boxes for someone I would like in my life.
Do I enjoy her company, yes very much. Is it the end of the world if I don’t speak to her or see her for the day, no not at all.
I’m not falling in love with her. As far as the date thing goes, she said when I’m ready and want to go on a date sometime how would I feel about going to church together.
My kids are thriving. Their report cards all went up. They’re not slacking with chores or cleaning their room. They’re always smiling and happy now. A few days ago I called them for dinner and they came down with a blu tooth speaker with music blaring all doing some weird dance and laughing at my reaction. I understand my place in their lives. I understand what I need to be. They will always be number 1 and the most important thing in my life. Nothing is going to change that.
However, I’m detached from my ex. I wouldn’t take her back if she asked. I have no feelings towards her. I’m not in love with her, I don’t hate her. I have nothing for her. She doesn’t cross my mind unless she shows up on her own. (Email/call etc). And than when that happens I don’t spin. I don’t ruminate all day thinking about her. I don’t look into anything or look for hidden meaning or twist what she says in the hopes of a bread crumb she still loves me. Because quite honestly it doesn’t matter because I don’t care.
With all that being said, if this lady who is my age, is religious, modest, kind, caring and a sweetheart of a person is understanding of me. Understanding of my children’s needs and supportive of my sitch and doesn’t push or force for more than what I can give. I’m not going to turn her away. When my kids called me to say goodnight when I was with her, she smiled went into the house and got us lemonade. When she got back (she waited til I was off the phone, and keep in mind this is her house) she asked if they were ok and if I needed to leave because they weren’t ok being at my moms. And she did it with a smile on her face and was genuine about her question.
I think a perfect example of how I think this is a great start is because it’s going on lunch time here and I haven’t heard from her nor has she heard from me. And that’s ok!
Not to beat a dead horse, but when I say it’s everything holding her hand, or hugging her or the smell of her neck what I mean is I’m not falling in love with her. What I mean is it’s not sexual. It’s not based on pure lust. And trust me it’s been a minute for me lol!
Here’s what I mean, holding her hand meant more than a kiss. Hugging her didn’t leave me thinking about sex. Being around her doesn’t bring me pain, it doesn’t feel forced and I don’t feel rushed or pushed. Talking to her doesn’t leave me feeling guilty. Being around her makes me want to continue my journey to self redemption not stop it. It makes me want continue to be a good father and not blow them off to spend time with her. She doesn’t make me feel self conscious. I don’t feel like I have to spend every waking moment of my life with her to keep her happy or content. She has helped me more the in the past week realize how unhealthy my marriage was for years while I lived on the corner of ignorance and denial. And she does it by being herself. By being ok with who I am and what i need.
As far as the kids go, they have no idea I’m evening talking to someone. And it’s gonna stay that way for a while. That’s the truth. Woman will not be running in and out of their lives and they will not feel 2nd best.
I did hear from her today. I’ll do a copy and paste. If this conversation seems unhealthy or wrong or moving to fast than please say so because I’m not seeing it. Lol
Her: hey you
Me: hi how are ya?
Her: oh boy! feel like crap today so that’s fun, what r u up to?
Me: Well I hope you feel better. I was just on the phone with a friend. His grandmother is passing away from cancer. She’s in hospice, sleeping, they can’t get a blood pressure on her. So I’m just trying to be there for him and reassure him she’s not in any pain right now and everything is gonna be ok. It [censored] because his nana was his mother. She raised him.
Her: sorry...so sad. not an easy thing to go through. glad u can be there for him. You talk to him. You work tonight or you taking off to be there for him?
Me: I’m working. He’s got his family over. He should be ok. I actually didn’t offer to come sit with him though. You think I should instead of assume?
Her: Well, I don’t think it would hurt to let him know you can be there if he needs a friend.
Me: ok i think I will. Thanks
Her: no thanks needed. Drive safe to work this evening.
Well...the STBXW is pregnant with the OMs child.
The part that actually makes me a little mad, I don’t think I can get a divorced pushed through in time to get her off my medical insurance. I think my insurance is gonna actually have to pay for this.
Anywho, I think I’ve seen Jerry Springer shows with less charades than what my STBXW has turned into. She’s 33, physically abusive, an alcoholic if not worse, and will have 6 children to 3 different fathers. While still technically being married to father number 2. That’s a mind boggling thing to say out loud.
I won’t ever regret meeting and marrying her because I wouldn’t have my children, but sweet Jesus what was I thinking! What did I see that obviously wasn’t there? Oh well, I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure that out and wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer.
And I’m so thankful I found this place. Forums and books and DBing in general. If I hadn’t learned to get a life, detach and stop caring man this would have sent me emotionally through something that would have paralyzed me and probably stopped me from ever being able to trust again. This program has literally saved my future self.
I don’t have much else to report. Kids are home, we made cinnamon rolls. Well they made cinnamon rolls and I ate them lol. Tomorrow evening D12 (who’s gonna be D13 like in a week!) wants to grill with me. So we’ll do that. It hit just hit me I’m gonna have 3 teenagers living in the house!
J,
Been following you and your situation for a long time. My heart breaks for you and your children. I am also worried for this new child. This poor little person will be born into a terrible situation. Hopefully your future X will take the steps necessary and put in the work to properly care for this child.
Taz
J,
Been following you and your situation for a long time. My heart breaks for you and your children. I am also worried for this new child. This poor little person will be born into a terrible situation. Hopefully your future X will take the steps necessary and put in the work to properly care for this child.
Taz
I’ll be ok. My kids, I honestly don’t know how they are going to take this. I can’t even begin to think how to tell them to be honest.
And honestly if she didn’t take the steps for the first 5 I doubt she will for the 6th. And yes it’s sad, and I feel for that child. Time will tell all. All I can do is be there for my kids and support them and their feelings
The more I think about this...the more angry I get. What exactly am I suppose to say to my kids? This is absolutely insane. She so far gone it’s not funny. And to have to find out because I got an update through my email to check my insurance account for recent activity.
Yeah I did contact her after seeing that. Her response is I’m ridiculous and it’s none of business and than admits it. Tells me she doesn’t care what I say to the kids because they won’t talk to her. And than says she’s has no hope of fixing it with them ever so I can have them she’ll just start a new family. Her true colors are straight evil on every level.
Man she replaced her kids like a dog who ran away.
This is the disaster that just keeps going. I’m taking the kids out of town for the weekend. I’m gonna have to contact the family counselor and have them come Monday.
I did confide in the woman I’m speaking with. She’s actually the one who said have the family counselor come to the house as soon as I can and tell them then if I feel I need to tell them at all. Shes also encouraging to go see mine myself. Maybe I should.
Yeah, your STBX cannot be your X fast enough.
I take wish you could contact the insurance and have her removed early.
Hi Joe,
Wow—saw your update. I’m glad this new person is there for you and suggesting healthy things like continuing your personal journey and therapy. I only have a minute, but you’re in my thoughts. Take care!
Yeah, your STBX cannot be your X fast enough.
I take wish you could contact the insurance and have her removed early.
I can’t have her removed until we are officially divorced. I emailed my atty and told her to get the paperwork drafted ASAP. I want to proceed and get this person away from me in every which was ASAP.
Hi Joe,
Wow—saw your update. I’m glad this new person is there for you and suggesting healthy things like continuing your personal journey and therapy. I only have a minute, but you’re in my thoughts. Take care!
Thanks for the thoughts CW. I’m feeling a little better after getting some sleep. Just the initial “shock” for lack of a better term. Just the shear audacity of this quack...trying to come back while pregnant with another mans child. Now I’m left again to tell the kids what’s going on and how they have a new half sibling. I’ll get it done and make sure everyone is ok.
Hey Joe, I don't know if I would tell them right away. She is all over the place, you never know what will happen with the pregnancy. Values and thoughts you might have about what is the right thing to do in that situation may not apply to her anymore if you get what I am saying.
You might tell the family counselor privately to get ahead of it but I don't know if I would share that information right off the bat with the kids.
I'm not intending on telling my kiddos about H's secret GF (that he doesn't know I know about). Who knows how long until that mess blows up in his face so until he shares it that info with them I don't intend to, its just extra hurt for them to deal with. But I do intend to tell the child counselor I'm getting set up so we can get ahead of it in case it does become information they are aware of.
Just wanted to give you some additional food for thought.
Hi 11dmnds.
I know what you mean. There is absolutely a chance this pregnancy doesn’t make it to term. And you’re absolutely right. There would be no point in telling them if it doesn’t. I actually appreciate your response. Definitely something to chew on so to speak.
There’s absolutely a chance this pregnancy if a lie too. I wouldn’t believe it until the head was crowning
There’s absolutely a chance this pregnancy if a lie too. I wouldn’t believe it until the head was crowning
Lol. If I hadn’t seen the proof she went to a doctor who specialized in pre-natal care with a positive result from the hospital app I would have completely agreed. My initial reaction was oh bleep...she’s only been gone 3 and a half months. But apparently they’ve been trying because she showed me a negative result from the end of march with her positive result from Tuesday. So it’s real, and not mine.
Quick update
I decided to stay in town this weekend. I decided running away was the wrong answer and not the way to handle this situation. I’ve also decided I’m not telling the kids until absolutely necessary. I don’t see a reason to tell them before. There’s no positive to be gained by doing so.
I had a IC session this morning and as usual it helped just to talk and mentally work thru how I’m feeling. I also spoke to her about the lady I’ve been talking to. She immediately asked me what’s the difference in this woman and the one before? Why do you feel ready to have a relationship? I told her I wasn’t ready. And this woman respected that. She asked about me and how I’m doing. She doesn’t only just share how she is or if she’s scared or whatever. She lets me talk. She respects the fact I’m a father. She respects the fact my kids have been thru some traumatic stuff. She encourages me. She’s a really sweet lady. My therapist just told me she doesn’t normally recommend or see value in getting something started so soon after a divorce with emotional abuse. But, if she is being supportive. And I don’t let her meet the kids anytime soon. And if I don’t neglect the kids and start taking time away from them and I can keep my emotions in check she doesn’t see what wrong. She recommended I keep it as a friendship as long as possible.
I have a feeling my new friend is going to come up in the sessions from now on.
So, I found out more about my friend. She was a librarian before she finished her masters in early childhood education. And she went and got a bachelors in nutrition and works as a facility working with patients who are in rehabilitation. Not the drug kind, but brain injuries, major injuries and just generally people who aren’t in a hospital anymore but can’t go home because they need some sort of long term care.
I took S17 to his girlfriends birthday party last evening. (Sweet 16). And my friend asked me to stop by for 5 mins. (I told her what I was up to when I said good morning). So I did stop by, and she had a speaker outside. Told me to come here, hit play and put my arms around her waist and she put her arms around my neck and she slow danced with me out of absolutely nowhere. When the song was over she hugged me and thanked me for the dance and told me to go home.
I talked to her after the kids went to bed, and asked her what that was about. She said she wanted to do something to show me I wasn’t alone. And that sometimes even if it’s for 5 mins it’s ok to let your guard down and just dance.
That was one of the most genuinely sweet moments of my life.
I came home and all my girls were standing there in the kitchen listening to music and actually cleaning up while dancing. I realized something. I’m happy. I’m gonna be ok and so are my kids. Gods put me right where I’m suppose to be and my future has never been brighter. And no not because of the new woman, but because I’m out of my rut. I value what’s should be valued. My relationships with people and not money. I’m a lucky guy. And I’m thankful for all the lessons I’ve been given this years.
Journaling
Life has been absolutely amazing. I don’t have one complaint. I’m happy. I’m content. My kids are doing wonderful.
I did finally move into the new house. The first dinner was something I’ll never forget. The laughter, the smiles. Everything was just perfect. Watching D15 smile, laugh, dance and joke...it’s everything. S17 has been a been a bit moody but he’s a teenager so basically he’s good lol
D12 turned into D13. And as usual she’s back to making one liners that makes me laugh so hard.
D8 and D11 have been playing and making tik toks. Swinging on the new trees we have. Catching fire flys. It’s been a amazing.
There’s a lot going on with the STBXW but I honestly don’t care enough to even get into anymore. Maybe I will in the future but for now...I’m good
Hope everyone is well
Joseph, so glad to hear the positive update, with your focus on the kids and your new friend instead of your ex. I hope your lives continue on this trajectory.
There’s a lot going on with the STBXW but I honestly don’t care enough to even get into anymore. Maybe I will in the future but for now...I’m good
This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is usually a good sign that the LBH is finally getting to a better place in his emotional life.
Hey Joseph, hope things are going well for you. Maybe you can just let us hear an update?
I certainly can give an update.
Ok so I’m gonna be 100% honest. I’m not perfect and have made mistakes. But I’m following my heart and keeping my IC informed honestly with everything I do. This will be a little longer too since I don’t post as much.
Ok. So on the STBXW front, she’s absolutely being the woman I married. Taking care of herself. Not being off her rocker. I’m not sure what happened or what made it click or if it’s fake. I don’t know. Could just be another manipulation tactic. My heart just isn’t in it enough for it to work. My heart just isn’t in it enough to ruminate on it. I don’t have any hatred for her. I do care what happens to her as a person but the respect and love just isn’t there anymore. She calls or texts everyday, but I only respond if I want too and there’s no pressure to do so. But she texts sweet things like I hope you made it home safely. When she knows me and the kids aren’t home she’ll drop off cookies or something and leave them on the front step in Tupperware inside a box. She has told me she made a mistake. She admits she cares for the other man but will never feel the love for him as she does for me. He can’t take to her to the highs I can or the lows I can. She says she’s still in love with me and found peace once she accepted that and stopped fighting it and trying to blame me for the things she’s done. She’s apologized several times for what she has done and said I never deserved it and it’s on her. She has admitted probably 4 or 5 times she’s always thinks about me. Compares the other man to me and he just can’t complete. She said the grass wasn’t greener and she screwed everything up and she accepts responsibility for it. She admitted everything she did to the kids. She admitted she needs more help that she knew. And she admitted she lost her faith in god, people, and herself. It was easier to lash out and walk out and blame all of us for her behavior than face it, accept it and fix it.
She’s also told me how proud of me she is for buying the house, getting a motorcycle, and raising the kids and just living my life and being myself. She says I seem better off without her. (I told her when she said that we aren’t playing the pity poor me game). She’s still unemployed, can’t find a job, and knows god is punishing her in her eyes. She also did have a miscarriage so I’m glad I didn’t say anything to the kids.
We do talk on the phone occasionally, but like I said only on my terms. It doesn’t affect me one way or another anymore. She looks for advice on her life, she looks for guidance but not support emotionally or financially. As far as she goes, I’ve completely detached and 100% dropped the rope. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never experienced real unadulterated freedom the way I have the last few weeks up to a month. I use to look in the mirror and didn’t recognize who was looking back. Now I love who’s looking back. I’m me again. The real me, and I’m happy and I know everything will be ok.
My kids are doing wonderful. They still are getting along beautifully. They are always happy. They eat, play and pray everyday. I even saw S17 play hide and seek and tag with D8. I’m a lucky man. My life is full of riches i never appreciated before. The real riches in life. Not money, but love, family, emotional prosperity. The real things that fulfill the mind body and spirit. The legacy I leave behind started the day my W left. I’m thankful because I truly believe it saved my life and saved my soul. But anyway, watching these little people, to basically adult grow as people is an experience that’s changed me at the core of who I am. I love them dearly. They are the true loves of my life.
Ok as far as the woman I was seeing. I am still seeing her. She’s a wonderful woman. Kind, soft hearted, patient and completely unselfish. She’s a fantastic friend whom I enjoy going to dinner with when I can. She hasn’t met my children, and I suspect she won’t for a long time now. I haven’t done what people thought, stay at work late, pawned them off at grandmas or my brothers or whatever else was said. I’ve stayed true to myself and to my children. And she’s been amazing with her understanding and patients. The moment that changes, if my children aren’t ready (and me and my children’s therapist will make that decision) if she pushes the issue she’ll have to go.
Other than that, life is good, real and simple. Which is exactly what we all needed.
Im gonna keep posting, this isn’t goodbye, because truly it’s just the beginning
Well that was just a wonderful read.
Well done on your journey so far!
Good update Joseph. Interesting how WWs are so flaky. I do not trust, for a moment, that she has truly changed. She has too many issues to truly change. And so I applaud the way you are handling this. So many LBHs would just welcome her back with open arms without requiring her to do the hard work.
As far as you being 100% detached.I hope that is true. We see a lot of LBSs that mask their attachment with a new person. So I am hoping that isn't the case. That you would still be as "detached" from your STBXW without the new woman in your life, as you are with her.
As you know, Rs are very difficult. So the likelihood of the new R with the woman lasting is low. If you haven't truly detached from your W then if your R with the new woman ends you will find yourself overly attached to your W again. So just make sure you are truly working through your emotional baggage with her and not just masking it with the new R.
Otherwise, keep up the good work.
It's so good to hear how well you and the children are doing. I hope you will stay detached from WW and all the drama she brings. A good manipulator can have you sucked back in, before you realize it. I maintain that a WW knows when her H has truly let her go, and I see your WW being no exception.
Joseph, I think you've done an incredible job picking up the pieces of your children's lives, as well as your own.
Good update Joseph. Interesting how WWs are so flaky. I do not trust, for a moment, that she has truly changed. She has too many issues to truly change. And so I applaud the way you are handling this. So many LBHs would just welcome her back with open arms without requiring her to do the hard work.
As far as you being 100% detached.I hope that is true. We see a lot of LBSs that mask their attachment with a new person. So I am hoping that isn't the case. That you would still be as "detached" from your STBXW without the new woman in your life, as you are with her.
As you know, Rs are very difficult. So the likelihood of the new R with the woman lasting is low. If you haven't truly detached from your W then if your R with the new woman ends you will find yourself overly attached to your W again. So just make sure you are truly working through your emotional baggage with her and not just masking it with the new R.
Otherwise, keep up the good work.
I am truly detached. I needed to take control of myself and my emotions. It took some time and IC absolutely helped. As did these forums. At this point it honestly wouldn’t matter what kind of hard work she put in. In my heart, because of everything she’s done up to this point I don’t know if I’d ever believe she was being real. If I could ever trust her 100% again with me or my children and I deserve so much more than to live that life. Like I said, I hold no ill will or hatred for her, and I wish her happiness but I wish happiness for myself and my kids too. And I won’t settle nor should they.
As far as my new friend, she really doesn’t have anything to do with my progress. She is a wonderful human being, but I am enjoying being a father to much to really get attached or get too serious with someone. I’ve been honest with where I am at emotionally with her. I’m not 100% ok and I have no idea when I will be. Not to sound like a baby, but this was a traumatic experience for me and my kids and we need to fully heal before I make a serious commitment to anyone. So I’ve decided to commit to myself and my children. I just need to make sure I don’t helicopter parent and give them space to grow and because well adjusted members of society.
It's so good to hear how well you and the children are doing. I hope you will stay detached from WW and all the drama she brings. A good manipulator can have you sucked back in, before you realize it. I maintain that a WW knows when her H has truly let her go, and I see your WW being no exception.
Joseph, I think you've done an incredible job picking up the pieces of your children's lives, as well as your own.
Thanks Sandi. She’s made comments recently about knowing she’s lost me and she’ll never forgive herself for allowing it. I don’t get caught up in it. We all have choices to make in life and we have to live the consequences of them. As does she. I don’t concern myself with her feeling sorry for herself. And I can’t be manipulated as long as I stay true to myself and don’t fall into the mind games. I just don’t have the energy for it. I just take everyday for the gift that it is, and enjoy my kids and myself.
Ok could use a dose of reality/advice
So the OM texted me yesterday and I didn’t think anything of it, just figured it was mind game stuff. He basically just said he knows him and my W are soul mates and he’s not giving up that easy. I figured whatever you can have her, didn’t respond and blocked the number.
Today she shows up at the door asks me to come outside she doesn’t want the kids to know she’s there. I oblige, and she hands me paperwork. She tells me she finally found a job and she started it last week and she’s happy. She asks me to read the paper work real quick. The first one is something from her therapist, and she smiles at me and says she going to therapy for herself but wanted me to know she was serious about getting help this time. (I figure it’s manipulation but again, it does make me think). The second set of paperwork is a 12 month lease in her name. She tells me she left the OM. She knows she needs help and she needs to be on her own and get herself right. She tells me she loves me more and more everyday and she can’t stop thinking about me. She can’t stop thinking about the pain she caused me. And she can’t stop thinking about what she did to the kids. She says she going to try to win me back over the next year and she wants a chance to fix things with kids. But she says she’ll do whatever I’m comfortable with because she understands she lost the right to try to dictate anything.
I’m not sure what’s going on here.
Wow.... you let her go... and she's bbbaaaccckkk....
That must make you go "hmmmm". Clearly she has a lot to prove and now is not the time to back down from you need for yourself.
No need to make any decision either way. Keep living your life and see if she truly does turn herself around. Then its still up to you ---
Sleep on it for sure. HUGS!!
Don’t do anything other than take it one day at a time.
No big changes. No big decisions.
Be aware that by detaching from her she may be seeing what she is losing. What you’re doing is working, so DON’T stop doing it.
And remember - trust only her actions, not her words.
I thought she was pregnant with OM’s baby???
And how would your kids feel about this. What would it take for your kids to accept their abusive mother back into their lives ?
I thought she was pregnant with OM’s baby???
And how would your kids feel about this. What would it take for your kids to accept their abusive mother back into their lives ?
She had a miscarriage. And ginger I expected more from you! I thought you’d really lay into me here! Lol
Seriously I’m not sure what it would take for them to accept her back. But it doesn’t matter. I decided to take some time and really think about everything she said. I am a firm believer, and maybe this is a a fault of mine, that history seems to repeat itself. She’s done this once. She’ll do it again. And I’m just not willing to put anyone in that spot. Not myself and not my kids. It was a nice thought for a moment that maybe she really could change and maybe I could have my family back, but the reality is I would never trust her and never fully accept she’s changed. And that’s not fair to me, my kids or her either. So I’m just gonna stay the course. I’ve come to far and so have my kids to start to back peddle. I deserve better and so do my children.
No need to lay into you. I figured pointing out the obvious would be enough
Good update Joseph. Interesting how WWs are so flaky. I do not trust, for a moment, that she has truly changed. She has too many issues to truly change. And so I applaud the way you are handling this. So many LBHs would just welcome her back with open arms without requiring her to do the hard work.
As far as you being 100% detached.I hope that is true. We see a lot of LBSs that mask their attachment with a new person. So I am hoping that isn't the case. That you would still be as "detached" from your STBXW without the new woman in your life, as you are with her.
As you know, Rs are very difficult. So the likelihood of the new R with the woman lasting is low. If you haven't truly detached from your W then if your R with the new woman ends you will find yourself overly attached to your W again. So just make sure you are truly working through your emotional baggage with her and not just masking it with the new R.
Otherwise, keep up the good work.
As far as my new friend, she really doesn’t have anything to do with my progress. She is a wonderful human being, but I am enjoying being a father to much to really get attached or get too serious with someone. I’ve been honest with where I am at emotionally with her. I’m not 100% ok and I have no idea when I will be. Not to sound like a baby, but this was a traumatic experience for me and my kids and we need to fully heal before I make a serious commitment to anyone. So I’ve decided to commit to myself and my children. I just need to make sure I don’t helicopter parent and give them space to grow and because well adjusted members of society.
It's so good to hear how well you and the children are doing. I hope you will stay detached from WW and all the drama she brings. A good manipulator can have you sucked back in, before you realize it. I maintain that a WW knows when her H has truly let her go, and I see your WW being no exception.
Joseph, I think you've done an incredible job picking up the pieces of your children's lives, as well as your own.
Thanks Sandi. She’s made comments recently about knowing she’s lost me and she’ll never forgive herself for allowing it. I don’t get caught up in it. We all have choices to make in life and we have to live the consequences of them. As does she. I don’t concern myself with her feeling sorry for herself. And I can’t be manipulated as long as I stay true to myself and don’t fall into the mind games. I just don’t have the energy for it. I just take everyday for the gift that it is, and enjoy my kids and myself.
I thought she was pregnant with OM’s baby???
And how would your kids feel about this. What would it take for your kids to accept their abusive mother back into their lives ?
She had a miscarriage. And ginger I expected more from you! I thought you’d really lay into me here! Lol
Seriously I’m not sure what it would take for them to accept her back. But it doesn’t matter. I decided to take some time and really think about everything she said. I am a firm believer, and maybe this is a a fault of mine, that history seems to repeat itself. She’s done this once. She’ll do it again. And I’m just not willing to put anyone in that spot. Not myself and not my kids.
It was a nice thought for a moment that maybe she really could change and maybe I could have my family back, but the reality is I would never trust her and never fully accept she’s changed. And that’s not fair to me, my kids or her either. So I’m just gonna stay the course. I’ve come to far and so have my kids to start to back peddle. I deserve better and so do my children.
Please look at the bolded above.
This is what I meant. She comes to your door and professes changes and love, and then you already start backtracking.
And where is the new friend in all of this thinking? If you were truly detached, and there was no way you would take back your EX, then why the second bolded line?
You seem confused. I know I am confused. But the distance pursuit dynamic is real. Your EX never thought you would really move on. And when you did her security net felt missing. Likely she is looking to get it put back, and then she will be back to where she was before and looking for something else in life. It is very rare for someone like her to truly change. IN fact, the miscarriage could be playing a big role in all of this. Maybe permanently (unlikely) or maybe temporarily (more likely). Regardless, you owe it to yourself, and to your new friend, to make sure you know what you want and make sure you have dealt with all of your unresolved emotions.
Oh and good job on handling the OM. Well done. However, if you entertained your ex's "I am going to get you back" then detachment and moving on still has some work to do.
Hey Steve,
I gave me pause. No doubt, but didn’t exactly throw me off or send me spinning. Just more or less...wow really why now? Could this work if she actually changed and we started over? Nah....
I hope that makes sense. There is no fixing what happened but would i be able to start over with her? Could she change and could I fall in love with her and trust her? Nah...
It’s just naturally who I am. I like the idea of a 2 parent home, and yeah if she said this a month into things I probably would be dumb enough to give it a go. Not anymore. But yeah it did give me a moment of pause. No doubt about it. I think that’s natural honestly.
But it’s all good. I’m fine, I didn’t go off the deep end. I didn’t show any emotion about it. I did know it was stupid for it to give me pause, but in reality it’s just apart of who I am and I’m sure she knows that and used it as manipulation.
Joseph,
All things considered, you handled it well. You allowed the thoughts to come, and you processed them from a healthy place. It's good that you come here to post about sudden changes.
Hi Joseph,
Great job holding your ground. When LBS drop everything at the first or second sign of a WW spouse trying to reconcile, usually by agreeing to "just a date", it hasn't boded well for R in the situations I've seen here. I suspect there are too few consequences. It's like, "See, if I lie, am abusive, and cheat for months.. it's as easy to fix as saying I'm sorry and getting you back into bed!" I hope this separation from you, the kids, and family works as a motivator, and she does what she needs to to get involved in their lives again.
It’s been a long time since I updated. I still check the forums every so often though. Anyway figured I’d give an update.
Everyone has settled into the new house wonderfully. We all have a great routine going and it’s really helped to have that. Kids are a little disappointed they had to switch schools but it’s not exactly the hardest things they’ve had to deal with. Covid is still a thing so their new school is online only for the foreseeable future. Not to sound selfish but I was looking forward to them going back lol. Oh well. Such is life.
On the marriage front I have filed for the D and haven’t heard anything that way outside of her initially receiving it and letting me know she’s not going to quit trying to change her life and win me back. So I assume this is going to be a process. And that’s ok, I can only control what I can control. I have told her there’s to much damage done. I’d never fully trust her again. Not with me or our children. And truthfully I don’t think I realized I honestly wasn’t as happy as I thought I was until I dropped that rope. Saw my marriage for what it was without the rose tinted glasses. The amount of red flags of how much of a narcissist she is, emotionally abusive to me and just straight up selfish, how many of those red flags I ignored for years. I’m honestly happy. I’ve completely reinvented myself. I had a motorcycle when I met her, and was able to get one again. I get to blast my music when making dinner. I don’t have to worry about being judged by her for what I’m watching on TV. I get to decorate the way I want. Idk I’m just enjoying life a lot. Yesterday I changed the oil in my car and motorcycle. Went to Walmart and than went to chili’s and the woman I’m talking to bought me lunch. And not once did I have to answer for what I was doing or how long is it gonna take. Or anything like that. It’s quite amazing what actually freedom feels like.
So the woman I’m talking to is still the same woman from before. Not my daughters friends mom, but the other one. She’s an amazing woman. I’m so darn grateful to have met her. My oldest daughter (D15) asked her without me knowing if maybe the woman would take her to get their nails done together. And than my girlfriend called me and made sure I was ok with it. I was very uneasy because I don’t want my kids to get attached and then she’s gone too. But I said sure anyway, and they were gone for about 2 hours. The smile on D15 face and the hug I got when she got home....well I guess there’s no reward without a little risk. So we’ll see.
On another front I left the door open to bring groceries in and a stray kitten walked into the house. So...we have a cat now lol. Obviously took her to a vet etc, besides being seriously under weight she’s in good health and estimated to be 8-10 weeks old.
Hope everyone is well.
Great update Joseph!!! Sounds like your life is rolling along and you have discovered the freedom and peace of mind that comes from truly dropping the rope. It is such a great place to be, isn’t it? Glad you are still posting as I think it is helpful for newcomers to see that there is life after BD. (((HUGS)))
And truthfully I don’t think I realized I honestly wasn’t as happy as I thought I was until I dropped that rope. Saw my marriage for what it was without the rose tinted glasses. The amount of red flags of how much of a narcissist she is, emotionally abusive to me and just straight up selfish, how many of those red flags I ignored for years. I’m honestly happy. I’ve completely reinvented myself. I had a motorcycle when I met her, and was able to get one again. I get to blast my music when making dinner. I don’t have to worry about being judged by her for what I’m watching on TV. I get to decorate the way I want. Idk I’m just enjoying life a lot.
And this ^^^^^, ladies and gentlemen, is what I mean (I'll just speak for myself) when I suggest the LBS work on themselves, and reinvent themselves if necessary. Put forth the biggest effort possible, to enjoy life and be happy the person you've worked to become. This is a far cry from the co-dependent man who first showed up on the board, saying he and his W had always been best friends and didn't need anyone else. He has been such an encouraging example of someone who had to struggle through so many emotional problems that resulted from his W leaving him and their large family.
Well done, Joseph! It's such a joy to hear you are happy, and the children are doing well.
((hugs))
I can only control what I can control. I have told her there’s to much damage done. I’d never fully trust her again. Not with me or our children. And truthfully I don’t think I realized I honestly wasn’t as happy as I thought I was until I dropped that rope. Saw my marriage for what it was without the rose tinted glasses. The amount of red flags of how much of a narcissist she is, emotionally abusive to me and just straight up selfish, how many of those red flags I ignored for years. I’m honestly happy. I’ve completely reinvented myself. I had a motorcycle when I met her, and was able to get one again. I get to blast my music when making dinner. I don’t have to worry about being judged by her for what I’m watching on TV. I get to decorate the way I want. Idk I’m just enjoying life a lot. Yesterday I changed the oil in my car and motorcycle. Went to Walmart and than went to chili’s and the woman I’m talking to bought me lunch. And not once did I have to answer for what I was doing or how long is it gonna take. Or anything like that. It’s quite amazing what actually freedom feels like.
Hi Jo,
Great update - so glad to see you come through this and realise how great life can be once you drop those rose tinted glasses - i was where you are now 16 months ago - and ive had the best 16 months ! Enjoy your life..
Wishing you all the best.
Just thought I’d say hello to everyone.
It’s been a while since I updated.
Life is is wonderful. I got a new car that’s much better suited for me and the kids a month and a half ago. So that’s definitely good. My boss set me up to work from home so I only have to go into the office one day a week and even than sometimes he just tells me to stay home. My work has been so supportive of what I’ve been thru. It’s been humbling to say the least.
Started some extra work on the house. Been fun learning new things. I replaced some sub flooring in the bathroom last week because a pipe leaked. Really not as hard as you’d think.
The STBXW is absolutely pregnant. Not my child, but I can’t get a divorce til the child’s born and paternity is established. But eh what can you do. Just another bump in the road. But nothing that can’t be easily overcome with patients and time.
Kids are doing amazing. They don’t talk about their mom anymore at all. But to see the difference in their personalities and the differences in their smiles tells the story. Heck even I look better and more vibrant. No one misses her and we are genuinely a better family unit. I know that sounds messed up, but we are happier and emotionally and mentally healthier without her.
I talked to S17 about adopting him when he was 18 since she never let me, he smiled and couldn’t say a word, just hugged me. So that’s on the table in 6 months and I couldn’t be happier.
I’m still dating the one woman. She’s been a huge blessing and an angel. I know some people on here wouldn’t agree with it, but she took my daughters to dinner the other night by herself for the first time. The kids had a great time. I loved the pics that were sent to me. And I loved the fact she took them to the pet store while they waited for their table.
Still thankful as possible that I found this board. You guys genuinely set me on the path that saved me from myself. Without it, I probably wouldn’t have found myself and probably would have made the mistake of putting myself worth into another woman which would have caused another disaster. Or I would have taken the ex back. Which in itself was literally dangerous.
Hope everyone is well.
Really positive update Joseph,
It's great to read these now and again.
Curtis updated his thread a few days back, and commented on how i so wanted to be a success story..
Updates like yours above are the "real success stories".. The LBS is all too focused on saving what they had, or thought they had - You eventually saw past the negative WW BS and moved on, to a positive enjoyable life.. long may it last
All the best.
So happy for you Joseph.
You’re an inspiration for me to follow.
Joseph, glad to hear that things are going well. I am still leery that your new R isn't just a band-aid. My fear with LBSs that start dating so soon is that they do not do the work on themselves that they should. Moving from one codependent relationship to another really short-circuits the work they should be doing on themselves as an individual (GAL and recapturing the person you were that attracted your W in the first place, 180s and self-improvements, detachment and learning how to be happy by yourself). What they find is that they end up with the same dynamics that destroyed their marriage creeping into their new R over time.
Obviously, there are no absolutes in life so maybe you will beat the odds and this new R will not turn out toxic and will flourish into a long-term, mutually rewarding R. I hope that is the case.
Joseph, glad to hear that things are going well. I am still leery that your new R isn't just a band-aid. My fear with LBSs that start dating so soon is that they do not do the work on themselves that they should. Moving from one codependent relationship to another really short-circuits the work they should be doing on themselves as an individual (GAL and recapturing the person you were that attracted your W in the first place, 180s and self-improvements, detachment and learning how to be happy by yourself). What they find is that they end up with the same dynamics that destroyed their marriage creeping into their new R over time.
Obviously, there are no absolutes in life so maybe you will beat the odds and this new R will not turn out toxic and will flourish into a long-term, mutually rewarding R. I hope that is the case.
I completely understand where you are coming from there and actually shared the same concerns at first.
For me personally, I won’t ever become dependent on anyone again. I don’t rely on her for my happiness. I haven’t and won’t stop doing things for me that make me happy. As an example, I got direct tv. When I signed up I got nfl Sunday ticket for free. I did it because I don’t live in the home market of me or my sons favorite team. We haven’t a missed watching a game together yet. It’s a small example, but one that would have never have happened a year ago. She knows I absolutely love riding my motorcycle, and she doesn’t complain about it. She doesn’t ask why I didn’t ride to her house or anything like that if I’m out. She has asked to go for a ride together, and of course I’ve taken her, but when I’m out because it’s my “therapy” for that moment, she lets me be.
She also encourages me to have contact with my brother. She’s come to find out I can be terrible at keeping in touch with people. And she knows how much my brother helped me get through this...well disaster. She makes sure I stop to talk to him at least once a week. Which is something that again..wouldn’t have happened.
She has been absolutely amazing. I won’t deny that. I can’t deny that. She doesn’t raise her voice at me. If she disagrees with me on something, she stays calm, listens to my side of whatever is going on. She takes time to try to understand where I am coming from even if she continues to disagree she always remains respectful. She’s never called me a name, never caught her lying. She doesn’t ask me to put her ahead of my kids, and when she knows me and the kids are doing something together as a family I flat out don’t hear from her until she hears from me. She knows I’m a dad first and always will be and she encourages it.
I don’t see her all the time, but at the same time we do make sure to see each other when we can. As an example, this morning on her way to work she brought me a coffee and we set outside for 15 mins and just chatted til she left. It’s the little and simple things like that, well I’ve never experienced anyone doing anything like that for me before.
She’s just a different type of person that what my previous relationship was.
I guess what I am trying to say is, she makes me happy, but she isn’t my happiness and she doesn’t define me. We have a very nice relationship, but our relationship isn’t my life and doesn’t consume my time. I hope that makes sense.
Honestly I don’t ever want to be the person that attracted my W. Truth be told that’s a terrifying thought. That person had no confidence, was easy pickens to a narcissist, and absolutely would have required a relationship to be happy and define who he was. I like who I am today more than I ever have in my life.
You have plenty of time. I've been talking in another post how some women show one side before marriage, and a completely different side after the wedding. We may be living in modern times, but some things never change.
You have plenty of time. I've been talking in another post how some women show one side before marriage, and a completely different side after the wedding. We may be living in modern times, but some things never change.
Oh good lord...I hope I didn’t leave anyone with the impression I’m thinking about marrying anyone. No no...I’m just enjoying it for what it is. There is no possible way I’d considering remarrying anyone until all my kids are out of the house and self sufficient. They need me. They need to know they’re number 1 at all times and Dads going nowhere and no one is above them.
Just thought I’d do my every so often update. Wish this was a better one, but what can ya do?
So my ex appealed her child abuse indication. Apparently they allowed her a continuous because of COVID and her being due with a baby soon. Fun stuff. Speaking of which she’s still using my health insurance for the pre natal care or whatever you wanna call it for her new child. I find this mildly insulting, yet completely unsurprising.
D11 did reach out to my ex. She texted...”34yrs old, a high school drop out, 3 baby daddies, one abortion, and a child abuser. You’re a complete flop ********” (she called her by her first name).
I’m glad my child recognizes this is behavior that’s completely unbecoming. Yet, I still had her talk to her therapist about it. Her therapist believes it’s just D11 learning to express herself and feeling safe to do so. I spoke to my therapist and she reminded me just because this woman gave birth to them, that doesn't make her a mother.
My ex has been texting me telling me she loves me still and wants me back. She’s being abused, she needs me. She’ll always love me blah blah blah. I find if I just ignore her it goes smoother.
I did have to chase her down for child support last weekend. We made a deal on the day we were to go to court that instead of cash, she contacts me on Thursday, asks what we need food wise, and she orders my grocery list, and had it delivered. There is a very reasonable dollar limit ($250 every 2 weeks, for 5 kids I think she’s doing very well in that regard), so it was frustrating to have to make contact with her when she was late.
S17 turns 18 in less than 5 months (crazy). D15 turned into D16 a week or so ago. She had an excellent sweet 16. Went and got her permit and took her driving. I’ve never been more terrified in my life. Lol!
2 weeks ago I fell off an 8 ft retaining wall right into asphalt. Landed with my arms outstretched, right onto my ribs. Still paying the price for that move.
Christmas has been great and stressful but that’s to be expected. The kids have been wonderful understanding we lost all the extra money so Christmas isn’t what it use to be materialistic wise, but I think I’ve done great all things considered. Also been watching movies every night, hot cocoa and some baked treat. So making up for it in other ways.
I will admit, it did feel weird to wrap everything by myself, but that’s ok. I just put on some old radio shows from the 1930s and 1940s and went to work.
I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday full of love and no one is alone.
Just journaling/updating
STBXW (it really is amazing how long a divorce can take, especially if someone is dragging it out, can take) had her baby on January 8th. Didn't call to tell me or the kids. Only found out because of the insurance claims update for the month via email. Wasn't sure if I should tell my kids, as the child is a half sibling, but I figured if the STBXW wanted them to know their half sibling was in the world, she would have made sure they knew for sure. If they ask I won't lie, but I'll leave it up to her to let them know otherwise.
In other news, the water pressure tank went and I lost all pressure in the middle of a shower. What can you do besides laugh right? Called a plumber, got a est for $1500, told them no way, went to home depot, bought a tank for $250, watched a youtube video and 3 hours later I saved $1250. I was super proud of myself!
I'm still seeing my girl friend and couldn't be happier with the way things are going. She's been over for dinner and movies and taught me and the kids how to play a card game I had never heard of before called Dutch Blitz. It's actually a lot of fun. She's introduced me to a lot of new foods I would have never have tried before, some i liked, some I didn't. Found out I can't stand sushi!!! ha ha. I rekindled a long lost love I had stashed away for over 20 years and started reading novels again, so we do read a lot together, and one of our "dates" was going to some really old library in a major city. She's a really cool woman who truly has helped make me feel safe to be my football loving, motorcycle riding nerd self. I even found my old stash of comics from when I was a little kid and started collecting those again. It feels really nice to be accepted, and it's feel even nicer to finally accept myself for who I am. It's even helped me to have a better relationship with my kids as crazy as it sounds. I found out D12 loves poetry and she talks about it all the time now instead of hiding it because she wasn't sure if her siblings or even I would find her weird. On one hand I'm really glad she is being herself and feeling safe in her skin, on the other hand, it makes me sad she didn't always feel that way. It's moments like that...I makes me feel regret for not always being the father I could have been, or should have been, but gives me hope because I am doing better, making real lasting changes and having a positive impact on my kids.
I do have a small quick story..so in the last few years companies have put out "classic systems". Nintendo, Super Nintendo, PlayStation 1, Sega Genesis etc. Some of my best memories as a kid was playing those old systems with my father and brothers. So, of course I had to buy them. The SNES classic has turned out to be my kids and my favorite. My 8 year old loves Zelda on it!! Anyway, they've been playing the original Mario Kart on it...practicing!! So low and behold a week ago, all 5 of them decided to challenge me to a tournament. If any of them won the Mario Kart tournament I had to take make sure the dishes were done by myself for a week. If I won, I didn't have to worry about the dishes for a week. I must admit...it was a nice week of not having to pre-rinse, load and unload a dishwasher!!! They were so surprised, they thought a few weeks of practicing was going to over come the years I spent as a child playing that game!! HA!!!
This weekend, it's a game of monopoly, winner doesn't have to do the dishes for a week....I think this is going to become a new thing for us. Find a game of any kind, and we are betting doing the dishes!! lol..
Great update Joseph
I do have a small quick story..so in the last few years companies have put out "classic systems". Nintendo, Super Nintendo, PlayStation 1, Sega Genesis etc. Some of my best memories as a kid was playing those old systems with my father and brothers. So, of course I had to buy them. The SNES classic has turned out to be my kids and my favorite. My 8 year old loves Zelda on it!! Anyway, they've been playing the original Mario Kart on it...practicing!! So low and behold a week ago, all 5 of them decided to challenge me to a tournament. If any of them won the Mario Kart tournament I had to take make sure the dishes were done by myself for a week. If I won, I didn't have to worry about the dishes for a week. I must admit...it was a nice week of not having to pre-rinse, load and unload a dishwasher!!! They were so surprised, they thought a few weeks of practicing was going to over come the years I spent as a child playing that game!! HA!!!
I built my own full size arcade machine ( google build your own arcade machine ) inlcuding CRT screen ( the 80s and 90s games were build for low res CRT screens so LCD distorts ) from scratch..
First it was your Water tank, next challange is a home made arcade machine for you ;-) - your kids will love it lol
My children LOVE Street Fighter 2, Turles and Xmen arcade games..
Im embarrased to say my 9 year old kicks my @$$ on Street Fighter 2
Ugh. So, technically your wife had Om’s baby while married to you. Classy. Did she ever get another job?Where does she get money for groceries?
On her original plan to leave with the kids on your birthday, were the kids on board with the plan because she gaslighted everyone so effectively? They all seemed to jump on team JosephS pretty quick so it feels like they were not all convinced.
Ugh. So, technically your wife had Om’s baby while married to you. Classy. Did she ever get another job?Where does she get money for groceries?
On her original plan to leave with the kids on your birthday, were the kids on board with the plan because she gaslighted everyone so effectively? They all seemed to jump on team JosephS pretty quick so it feels like they were not all convinced.
Yep she had the OM baby. Well I assume it's his, I guess you can never be sure...ha! Important thing is there is no possibility it's mine. She had to get pregnant right around my birthday which would have been a month after she left. I really don't care honestly, I'm more insulted she used my insurance, and I was really hoping now that she was able to do that we could start to move forward a little faster with the D..guess we'll see.
As far as my kids...no, no they were not on team Dad immediately. 4 out of 5 didn't know the total plan. 2 out of 5 knew mom didn't love dad anymore and was going to leave. Only 1 of them know the extent of how bad things were. However 4 out of 5 didn't want us married anymore.
The thing I took more than anything during this whole ordeal and process was I need to look into the mirror. Where did I completely fail? Where did I need work? What could improve, and what was I doing well.
I was under an extreme disillusion that I was an excellent father and all my kids liked me and respected me, As info the key words in that sentence was liked and respected. They loved me, sure, but they didn't exactly like me, trust me or respect me. I was to busy working to be the father I needed to be. I was to wrapped in my failing marriage that never recovered from the first affair she had way back when. I wasn't abusive, I wasn't mean, but I was absent and neglectful with my time. And there is absolutely no one to blame for that than myself. They didn't trust that I would believe them if they told me about the abuse they endured. Frankly I can't say I blame them. I probably would have believed the ex. I always wanted to believe the best in her, even when it was smacking me in the face that she just wasn't what I thought. Call it what you will, willful ignorance, stupidity, shame, maybe even refusing to admit I was wrong for even marrying her and needed to beat the odds with our marriage. Anyway, a comment Ginger specifically made way back when on one of my threads it really caused me to look inward at myself. I saw the failure I was, and the denial I was living in as a Dad. I didn't spend time with them. I didn't take them to their friends houses. I didn't take walks with them. I didn't take them swimming or really anything. I was lazy, and just took my own kids for granted.
So after some time, moments of fighting for them and what they want. Going through this nightmare as a family and never putting anything above them, the trust built, I was more accepted as a Dad and not an authority figure, and things got so much better for all of us. I take the time, and more importantly I make the time to always make sure they know I'm here, I'm sorry, and I will never ever fail them again.
With that being said, as the old saying goes, you need to help yourself before can help others. I had to put my oxygen mask on before I could honestly put theirs on. It's been one heck of a flight if you will, but I wouldn't change the last year for the world. I'm so much better off, as are my kids.
So today I went for a bike ride. 70 degree day, sunshine, absolutely beautiful. As I am taking in the freedom, solitude, warm sun I hear a loud bang. I know it instantly, a screw is in my back tire. I was able to make it home just fine, but boy what luck...little did I know...
So my kids are still remote because I'm not sending them 2 or 3 days a week. It makes it almost impossible to work and have a normal life. So I did leave them at home for the hour I went out riding before work. Unfortunately I left my phone at home.
So my STBXW was there. She had her baby in tow, bags packed and parked in front of my house. She was crying hysterically, and was a huge red mark on her face, and a swollen lip and eye. I immediately knew what had happened. She got out of the car, as I said, crying hysterically. She slowly walked up to me, and I was honestly speechless. I didn't want her there, like at all, but the human part of me, I wasn't going to be mean to her right now. She just fell into me, and literally started to fall over..I asked her what happened, she said they had argued all night about me, he was convinced she was talking to me behind his back about getting back together. Hours and hours of this, shoving her into the wall, not letting her comfort the screaming baby, and finally punched her in the face when she screamed at him I would never do this to her and she should have never have left me.
I asked her to please wait in the car, and I called my parents, (they live literally a half a mile away), had them get the kids and had my STBXW come in afterwards.
We called the police, she filed a report, and her boyfriend was arrested.
I called her brother and had him come get her. Since than shes non stopped called and texted, apologized, and wants to come home and work our marriage out. Surprise surprise huh?
What a day
Wow... what a freaking day...
You handled it like a freaking pro though. Got your parents to come get your kids and then called her brother to scoop her up and deal with her.
You were a good guy to her. Certainly more than she deserved and speaks to to you overall character.
Wow, Joseph, just wow. Well-handled. It must be hard seeing your STBXW so broken. I hope no part of you is tempted to pick up and fix the mess and you're focused on you, your kids, and your GF.
Hi Joseph,
Prior to the arrival of Steve_, your WW was the worst i had seen on this board. Manipulative and a child abuser.
In a nut shell, she is a nut job.
Since joining this board, you have achieved so much - Respect being a massive one... Self respect and respect from the members.
I very doubt you are tempted to take her back. You have come too far, have a great life and you understand the WW mindset more now than you did 12 months ago. I think you know that your WW is not good partner material... or mother material for that matter.
Back to KC comment about being a "good guy".. You have always come across as a great guy, but a word of caution. You WW is distrurbed and will play on your "good guy" / Nice Guy mindset.
She is not done with you.
I would go as far as to say she may have instigated this. ie why did the OM think her and you were engaging ? It wouldnt suprise me if she played him and instigated this.. From his perspective, she ran straight back to the guy they were arguing over when things went south.. OM is probably convinced now there was an affair, and he is just more collaternal damage in the WW path to destruction. Along with another child who now faces the prospect on an unstable home.. ( and not that im excusing the physcial abuse )
Just be careful. As you children want nothing to do with her, i would consider an injunction or getting legal advice.
Dont just assume that its done and dusted because she went to her brothers.
She is still on her rollercoaster and wants company !
Great job handling that, Joseph. Well done.
I sure hope Steve stops by and sees your latest update. I think this is sneak preview of what he can expect with his WW.
Wow, J, that's a crazy day.
Stay detached and stay focused on your life. You are doing very well so keep that going. Prepare you kids for this, they will have some strange stuff to deal with in life, but nothing insurmountable.
Also, are you planning on keeping your from continuing to come over unannounced?
OM is probably convinced now there was an affair, and he is just more collaternal damage in the WW path to destruction. Along with another child who now faces the prospect on an unstable home.. ( and not that im excusing the physcial abuse )
Collateral damage? Nah, he's trash if he handles his anger by pushing women against the wall and punching them. The vast majority of humans couldn't be instigated into behaving like that.
I do feel sorry for that child. Two crazy parents.
At least Joseph's kids have a strong dad to take care of them.
I did stop by Thornton lol!
And yeah I see this happening, not with a baby or anything my WW has no desire to have more kids, she doesnt even handle the two we got and they are great kids. I say reading your post joseph I can identify with a few things, The putting WW before the kids, not spending as much time with them. I have been doing a LOT better since she split with OM 6 months ago. My saving grace was that my kids and everyone else were on my side. Of course they still love mom but they do see she is not being a good mom/wife etc. I just avoid the topic. Its been 6 months for me and I am not yet detatched. I am better than I was a couple months ago but I am not there yet. Long way to go.
Hardest part is believing in myself to put that foot down and enforce my boundaries, for me, not to "prove anything" to her. To respect me. For what its worth Joseph you did a really really good job with how you responded. I bet my WW will get to a point one day where some of the boys shes interested in screw her over, hurt her or do something, and if im detatched finally she will try to monkey-branch back to me. Glad you pulled that vine out of her reach. I bet she fully expected you to be the knight in shining armor, mine would have.
And I get the Jiu-Jitsu references, being in the guard position is better than being mounted, all you gotta do now is shrimp out and stand base. Your where I want to be as soon as I can get there. I am also getting better but its tough.
I called her brother and had him come get her. Since than shes non stopped called and texted, apologized, and wants to come home and work our marriage out. Surprise surprise huh?
Right? It's almost predicable. I was just posting about this subject earlier today. Not the same scenario, but how you have to take everything at face value that the WW says/does that sounds good or hopeful. You cannot hang your hopes to these type of things she says, especially when she's just coming from a dramatic experience with the OM. She needs to stay clear of you until the dust settles between her and however many OM she may have lined up.
You've become a great role model for others on the board, b/c you are talented in how to word things in a clear way, and you share experiences that others may recognize in their own sitch. They see how you took charge of your life and made a home for you and the kids, and most of all......how you have changed for the better as an individual.
I'm so proud of you and the way you've handled this recent escapade in the life of WW. Many LBH's would go weak in the knees, and grab hold of her words of wanting to come back and work on the M. Funny, how it took a beating from OM to change her mind. But, you are smart enough to know she's just looking for a temporary safe place to land, until she can figure out something else. Don't be surprised when she tries to go through the kids to get back into the home again.
Sadly, you can't believe everything she told you. In truth, you may
not have been the subject of their fight, but it very well might have been another guy she's been warming up. You just never know how the truth has been twisted. The less involved you are in her personal life, the better. Thank God you called all the right shots when she went back home, falling into your arms. I'm not saying she didn't get a beating. I'm saying I can see her twisting the story about who they were fighting about. And if it really was you that OM suspected, then he must have a reason. You know the saying, what goes around comes around. Maybe OM is experiencing a little coming around.
(((hugs)))
Funny, how it took a beating from OM to change her mind.
I am not sure what this says about me but I laughed when I read this sentence.