Old threadShort recap:
Me: 34
STBXW: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019 (I start wondering about OM)
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
Christmas and January was crap. I made misstakes.
Feb
-Finally had enough and changed my mindset
-Understanding DB for real and getting more control. GAL etc
-I told the kids about situation late February.
-Wife admitted seeing OM. A colleague from work.
March
-Working on DB and detachment
-Corona starts
-I filed for D.
Now.
-I am living in the house 100%. She is living 50% with OM.
-I am getting ready to move on and told her I am prepared to buy her out of the house.
-She is less Wayward and does not want to move immediately anymore.
Last two posts:
Basically I have "helped" W to soften the blow, while being her errand boy... D@mn it!
So, how can you break yourself from repeating these nice-guy patterns?
Do not beat yourself over it. Dust youself off and get back on the horse.
Thank you Sandi and Vapo.
I HAVE dusted of and moved forward.
When it comes to not being NG with W I simply need to take it slow and really think through things, ask on the board etc.
I am realizing how deep my NGS is and I think it will take a long time to really overcome it.
Will need to re-read that book every year.
I believe atm I am more "eager" to move on than she is, but considering the big picture I definitely have now rush and D wont be finalized till October. However she still hasn't answered me about the summer vacation, almost been a month.
Daily we are on a 2,2,3 schedule, which is fine. But during the vacation switching kids e times per week just wont work.
Next step will be to say
"Ok it seems you can't chose or don't have a preference so I will assume my proposed schedule is what we will do."
Also, talking about months. Today some of her "trash clothes" intended to be given to charity have been lying in the car for 2 months (like 10 smaller bags of clothes). I made a point of not doing it for her or even mentioning this "don't help the WW", but this is getting ridiculous.
Ok..
W just said "I belong her with you (meaning the family)"
I basically said I can't have these types of conversations with you when you're together with someone else.
Lots more words and I was too available but now left house. Going grocery shopping and thinking.
Any input for a potential convo later is very appreciated.
Oh boy.
Listen validate. Get term “it’s not that easy anymore”.
Your W is seriously damaged and needs professional help. That’s a must!
Thank you LH for sticking to my thread! THANK YOU!!!
I came home, made a sandwich and as I was cleaning up W passed me and said:
"I'm going out to the cabin. So I don't say anything weird. We can talk more tomorrow."
I just said ok.
When we talked earlier she mentioned she's been listening to a book about relationships.
Said she can't believe how stupid we have been to not invest more effort and time in our R.
I Will try to sleep now.
I guess I shouldn't have but I asked her tonight why she brought things up last night and what she meant with "I belong here with you".
Had a conversation but I tried to mostly listen and validate.
Repeated several of the things she said.
This is an excerpt of what I can remember:
W - I wish we would have gone down a different path. I know I'm mostly to blame but we took one another for granted and I didn't feel like or viewed you as a partner. We didnt understand how good it was.
W - Feel like I am living two lives. I mean its obvious I pack my bag everyother day. That must be tough for you.
W - Its probably best I keep things to myself.
Me - Depends on why you bring it up.
W - I guess I feel that I miss the life we had but not our relation/partnership.
Me - Well like you said we didn't really have one in the end. (meaning relationship/partnership har to translate correctly)
W (while crying) - Feels like only one who cares for me is nameofgirlfriendshekeepstalkingto.
Me- ITs not Iike I dont care at all for you and I don't like seeing you like this but I can't be that person for you anymore, not when you chose to be with someone else.
Somewhere along the conversation I also said she never gave us a chance.
2x4´s?
She also said something like "I'm glad we can talk. It woerd not to talk when you've known a person for 12 years".
At some point if things don't change i might need to tell her I don't want to be her friend. What's your take on that?
M,
Yeah there was no need to do anything but validate. She’s feeling sorry for herself.
Nothing to see here.
You are so right LH!
All this was not great for detachment but I can really feel I am stronger and will back on track very soon.
What is the boards take on telling her plain and simple that I wont be discussing our R as long as shes with him?
M,
You say nothing. If she wants to truly reconcile it won’t be some cryptic code. You are like a little puppy dog at the table looking to jump at any scrap that she drops on the floor. Your W was having an affair at the time of her wedding. What advice would you give an outsider?
You are too set to make some grand gesture or some proclamation, just to make an impact with her (on her). Say it with actions, not words. Time for talk is long gone...
You are too set to make some grand gesture or some proclamation, just to make an impact with her (on her). Say it with actions, not words. Time for talk is long gone...
Exactly! Don't tell her you're not going to discuss the R with her, just don't discuss it. Whenever she brings it up then just validate. "It sounds like you're really struggling", stuff like that. If she ASKS you why you're not directly discussing the R, THEN tell her that as far as you are concerned, as long as she is with someone else there is no R.
She loves talking with her friend because her friend is telling her what she wants to hear. WAS's love that cr*p.
She loves talking with her friend because her friend is telling her what she wants to hear. WAS's love that cr*p.
Exactamundo!
You are all so right!! Thank you!
Vapo thank you for checking in again! You always have a balanced and straightforward answer!
AS always so great validation advice!
LH thanks again for sticking with me!
You are too set to make some grand gesture or some proclamation, just to make an impact with her (on her). Say it with actions, not words. Time for talk is long gone...
To clarify I am NOT going to say that expecting her to end it. I know she won't and I know it wouldnt make anything better long-term.
AS your way of wording it is so great! After a short setback I feel much more leveled.
Actually, I think it was good with a reminder/new loss as well as som 2x4's. So thanks again!
What is mostly bugging me is how she all of a sudden seems to be fine with how thing are and in no rush to move forward practically. Though I am to blame for allowing her back in my life a bit. I need to plan more and be smarter (and sometimes rude (NGS = dont like to be rude)) when it comes to not engaging too much with her.
However I don't want to live like this too much longer.
XW,
Good morning. Hopefully you and your "friend(s)" are having or had a great time in "LOCATION". I want to let you know that I am fully aware of what you have been up to the last several months and it is crystal clear to me now, your desire to leave our marriage.
Going forward, I plan to be fully committed to be the best co-parent possible and I will continue to work to remove your name from our last shared accounts. I am motivated to make things happen and will communicate my progress to you as I have been doing. I will not be doing anything with you beyond that, for the foreseeable future.
Additionally, I am requesting all of our communication be done by email, unless a phone call or text message is absolutely necessary.
Have a great day.
I really enjoyed and got inspired by this quote from "Quotes on...".
The mindset he has when typing this is where my mindset should be though an email like the below might be too soon given we will probably live together for an additional 4-14 months. Depend son what she wants and how long it takes to sell the house amidst Corona.
She loves talking with her friend because her friend is telling her what she wants to hear. WAS's love that cr*p.
So true!
Keeping at it! Will read AS post over and over on my way home tonight.
Did a chest and shoulder workout today and hit the golf range over lunch (working from home isnt too bad)
Happened to get on the same bus as W to work this morning.
I had some bags and so did she so she sat down behind me. VERY strange to sit there in (mostly) quiet!
We used to ride the bus together fairly often.
Made me a bit sad.
Time to get to work and dust of!
Journal
Had a great first real summer weekend with the kids. Swimming, barbecue etc
Tonight me and W spoke briefly about the house.
She said we can't keep living like this. I agreed.
She says she doesn't want us to sell because it's better if the kids can live in the house at least half the time.
She might bring in her own realtor.
I just said, of course you can do that. It is totally up to you.
I told how much she would be able to get from me in cash if I buy her out of the house.
Well see..
More journal. On phone.
It's funny, we only really talk when she is back home. (yesterday and today were her days).
Not sure what that says about my NC. Today she initiated. Yesterday not sure.
I came home late after a gym session and sort of interrupted bed time.
Kids ran to me and said I should put to bed instead. I said it is up to you guys.
W got pissed and went to her cabin.
Then after i put them to bed she started writing to me on Facebook. (I'm literally less than 10 meters away from her.)
She was being very business, few words. So was I
Anyway, we planned out the whole summer. Which days we will switch kids etc.
She also asked if we should split cost to buy the kids an iPad each. I sad maybe, I'll think about it.
Not sure we should be buying things "together" post filing.
Kids ran to me and said I should put to bed instead. I said it is up to you guys.
W got pissed and went to her cabin.
I can understand her being pissed since it was her custody day, and you decided to tell the kids they could choose who put them to bed. IMHO, the right answers were, "It's up to Mom tonight." or "Mom looks excited."
She also asked if we should split cost to buy the kids an iPad each. I sad maybe, I'll think about it.
Not sure we should be buying things "together" post filing.
It's true, that introduces complications. A simple side-step, if you feel you two are amicable enough to work together at least for now, is for her to buy an iPad for one kid and you buy an identical one for the other kid. That reduces costs, but still provides clear ownership in case there are more disputes down the line.
Thanks a lot for answering CW! Really!
Have spoken a lot less about my sitch in general lately, because DB and I find seeing IC over zoom isn't that effective.
So nice to get som dialog. So thanks!!
Yeah about kids I did say it was W's day and other times this had happened she has always been fine with it.
Though I absolutely agree, the responsible parent should always make the decision.
I will suggest we buy one each. Thanks!
Today she told me she is going to look at an apartment. Rental.
She looked reakly sad when she said it and said it is really small.
My guess is she went online yesterday while she was mad.
So childish.
She sort of caught me by surprise during breakfast and I just said:
Ok. That's good, I guess.
Those last two words...
Journal
Spent the last two days enjoying the start of the summer with my brothers GFs family.
On Thursday I will take the kids for the first vacation week so nice to get some "time off".
Realize I need to make some things clear on house costs if she decides to get a rental.
What are people's thoughts on NC development? Long-term.
She really doesn't initiate contact and neither do I.
Long term I don't know how this all would work when it comes to coparenting.
NC accept when it relates to the kids.
Lol the timing of this given my recent post.
Just got a DM from W: "kids are wondering when you are coming home?"
I actually believe her, but will still wait at least an hour and probably answer a specific time due to bus schedules.
Why are you making your kids wait an hour to know when they will see their dad?
Very good point and something I realized after.
It was like I reacted as if I didn't believe her and a month or two back I probably wouldn't have.
But I do believe her now. So I answered and she said they'll be happy.
She sent some pics of their weekend and I just said "summertime is great! :)"
Will bring up costs of house tonight.
Update
Apparently she never went to the rental but she seems to understand that we have to come to some sort of an agreement. Which is good.
I said I still want to buy her share of the house. She said she doesn't want to loose out on market value.
I mentioned splitting assets. She said she didn't think that would be a problem since we're still friends. I didn't answer.
Then she started asking about a particular week during the vacation, if we could switch some days with the kids.
I said those particular days are hard to switch cuz I have rented a car and mentioned she has a long week off later.
She said well maybe I am looking at a trip. We never really ended the conversation and I didn't say no or yes to switching days.
It's obvious shes planning something with om. So I am definitely not keen to help her out now that we already agreed on particular dates during the summer.
Side note /journal
It still gets at me when I see how she's packing all her new sexy underwear for a couple of days with OM.
She has got several new summer outfits and she really is very very beautiful.
Focusing on me and the kids!
Mumin,
I'd recommend answering her at your convenience.
Here's a good line I read recently: "it is not things that trouble us, but our judgments about things".
You need to get out in the social scene, interact with women, and get your mojo back.
I was walking through a park 3 weeks back as the sun set and it hit me: I give myself my own juice. Sounds a littlle cocky but it's true. I tell myself this and I know that I can run my business, hit it hard in the gym, smile at women, read, write, play, laugh and do anything I want. Or do nothing and be happy about it. Forget about her and focus on your life.
Mumin,
I'd recommend answering her at your convenience.
Here's a good line I read recently: "it is not things that trouble us, but our judgments about things".
You need to get out in the social scene, interact with women, and get your mojo back.
I was walking through a park 3 weeks back as the sun set and it hit me: I give myself my own juice. Sounds a littlle cocky but it's true. I tell myself this and I know that I can run my business, hit it hard in the gym, smile at women, read, write, play, laugh and do anything I want. Or do nothing and be happy about it. Forget about her and focus on your life.
This is so right! Today she gave the kids pasta for breakfast because everything else was out.
Perfectly timed for me to take the kids today so I have to do all the grocery shopping...
I have decided to get tinder after summer vacation. I want to focus on the kids during vacation and during the weeks I don't have kids I may as well practice my real life flirting skills.
Atm reading a book on parenting but will start the 3% mann during summer.
On the 2 days she wanted to switch I haven't answered yet and probably won't unless she brings it up again.
If she does I will say no to any days involving my rental.
You are not ready for Tinder. No one told you to go and find hookups. You need to heal first. You are damaged and broken. And broken attracts brooken. You are no way near ready to date.
You should focus on yourself and the kids instead. Getting Tinder is just about the worst thing you can do for yourself. You are seeking external validation and external solution for your inner problems. It will not work.
There will be a hefty price to pay...
Is he damaged and broken? It sounds like he is moving forward through the process. He filed, he's not getting into arguments and carrying on with the WW, he's doing what's right for his family.
Practicing flirting is fine in my book. I haven't read it, but isn't The 3% Man about understanding women better so you can find the right woman for you?
Mumin, you mentioned nothing about hookups, is that just implied with Tinder?
I still think that there is a lot of good to take away from Vapo's post.
Practicing flirting on women who are online dating looking for something real healed from there stuff is not fine IMHO.
But I’m realizing people don’t share my opinion as evidenced by the men I am finding in the online dating world.
I agree with the general consensus that Tinder at this point is not the right approach. Though I am not a fan of Tinder from a morality standpoint anyway.
But at this point, Tinder would be like trying to band-aid a severed limb.
Tinder from a morality standpoint? Do elaborate.
I’ve been on it. There are people looking to cheat, there are people looking for one night stands, and there are also people looking for relationship ships. It’s a platform for people to do what they will, which they will do on other platforms as well, although much more discreet. I think the positivity of this platform is people aren’t afraid to say it.
It’s the people who pretend to be all high and moral and go and cheat anyways. And they never needed Tinder for it. It’s those who claim they are looking for a relationship and really just want to hone in on their flirting skills and aren’t near ready, but aren’t honest about.
Double standards and dishonesty is really what’s wrong in this world
Practicing flirting on women who are online dating looking for something real healed from there stuff is not fine IMHO.
But I’m realizing people don’t share my opinion as evidenced by the men I am finding in the online dating world.
I really don't read too much into the online dating and what the rules and social contracts are. I've never done it but I do think he should get out in the real world and interact like I said earlier and ultimately he is just talking about ways to accomplish that and he is here for help.
Double standards and dishonesty is really what’s wrong in this world
Preach on!
First off thanks for all the replies! Ovr, Ginger, Steve, Vapo!
I see a lot of good input in every post! Thanks!
I fully agree that my main issue/focus is to heal and work on myself but like Ovr said practicing flirting is part of that.
When I actually start (which is probably 2 months from now, or even longer) I will be very transparent about my situation and that I am NOT looking for an R. I will be out to meet women and have fun.
For me this is all about getting my swag/mojo/confidence back with women and "re-learning" flirting. It is part of the my growth process. I am not sure I will want to pursue an actual R in any less than 2-3 years. I have so much I want to learn and work on and I dont think it would be appropriate with the kids.
Anyway, I dont think or hope that Tinder will be my primary "source" for meeting women but where I live and in my age its either Tinder or irl. I my understanding other apps or dating sites dont really apply. Unless you get invited to secret communities like BenB.
All reading I do is to get a better understanding of myself, women, life in general, behaviors etc and to establish a reference when needed. So, I know 3% man might mainly be for later but I am sure it will be helpful nonetheless.
Dude,
this is so wrong on so many levels, I caN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COUNT. So, yeah, You are going to get Tinder just to talk to women. What do you take us for? Idiots? That is seeking outside solutions for inner problems. It does not work. EVER! Period. Broken attracts broken, and you, my friend, are broken.
The longer you take avoiding making work on yourself, the longer your path to wholesomness will take.
A perfectly realistic scenario wold be, you bag a hottie. Wild sex, you go thinking you are healed, but inner problem persist, 2 yrs later, back to square 1.
Thanks for input there has been a bit of diverisity in topics.
I will consider and answer more later.
Now I would appreciate some input on a current matter:
My father in law just contacted me.
Me and W grew up in the same city and her father lives close to my parents.
Now that me and the kids are going to spend a week at my parents he wrote:
"I heard you are coming to town with the kids. I really hope you and the kids come and visit. We can eat ice cream in the garden" (He is 75 yrs old and Corona risk person)
TBH I really dont want to meet him right now (he reminds me a lot about W and he prescibed birth control pills for her way back in January). It also feels wrong that I am to be responsible for allowing kids to meet grandfather (on mothers side). I dont think W will travel to her father.
At the same time, of course the kids should be able to meet their both their grand parents (if they want to).
What is your take on this? If I do it this time I will be expcted to do it every time I go to visit my parents...
IF we actually go there I will of course be faced with talking about me and W...
M,
I think this is where your core values come into play and what's best for your children.
You do not have to discuss your sitch if you chose not to.
"We have plans already but thanks for asking. Maybe W can bring them sometime!"
Another vote for core values. What is best for you kids?
Not to mention a high risk 75 year old who obviously cares. Bring some happiness to a s£€$ situation ( you & W) and a currently s£€$ world.
My W doesn't speak with or visit her family at all. I take the kids to her family functions and my MIL has come over once since my W moved out. If I didn't, they wouldn't see them.
We don't discuss the situation of our M or my W.
I am okay with it and it works for me. That may not work for you, only you can decide that.
Hi all and thanks for input!
I decided to meet him/them but suggested we meet at a playground and Cafe.
He accepted.
Today he writes me again and says the playground can get messy and suggest again that we come to his place instead. Says he will be very glad if we do.
This family...
Might just go there but set a time restriction at an hour or so.
Also W wrote and asked how the kids are. Will answer tonight and maybe send a pic or two.
Still not sure how much I want us to share on our respective times with the kids (pictures etc).
W keeps sending pics from time to time but I almost never do. But now it's vacation time so maybe a bit different. I'm not sure.
M,
This is your NGS getting the better of you.
Yes, I know it is my NGS. It gets clearer where it comes from now that I am spending time with my parents...
Any tips/pointers in this situation?
If it werent for the fact that the D5 expressed a want to go to his house (Grandpa on W's side) I would lean towards re-enforcing the playground/cafe. Now I am leaning to actually meeting his request.
He also gets drained mentally pretty fast if there is a lot of noice, so there actually is more legitimacy, than just covid, to him asking a second time.
Yes, I know it is my NGS. It gets clearer where it comes from now that I am spending time with my parents...
Any tips/pointers in this situation?
M,
IMO you have to dig down deep and decide what are your core values. How will you let people treat you? What are your boundaries?
I regard to the above. We will meet at grandpa's place tomorrow.
He is 75 and has had cancer fairly recently and is a bit "brain tired"
So it is pretty clear what is the right thing to do here.
Also, I really don't have a reason to be angry at him.
Anyway.
Went to the woods and a Cafe with the kids and my mom today.
Had a really wonderful time!
W wrote and called during our walk in the woods but I chose not to read it or answer the call.
She had suggested a call with the kids so I ask D5.
Of course D5 said YES! So I called W on Facebook video chat and gave my phone to her.
I left the room to do some laundry but came back like 5 min later.
I saw W was in a car. Not at work which I thought.
After the call D5 told me a man was driving the car and W was going on a short vacation.
Her showing him makes me fing furious!
Atm I feel have to write or say something.
Calmed myself abit and write here first.
So what do you hope to accomplish by writing or saying something?
What are you going to say M?
What is the outcome that you are looking for by saying it?
Wow, quick answers. Thank you!
Well one thing would be to establish some sort of grounds for co-parenting.
IMO the Co parent has to get a heads up at least 2 weeks in advance.
I can't believe she doesn't understand normal social boundaries.
Part of me really never ever wants to talk to her again, so that co-parenting thing isn't getting closer atm.
LH, you Co parent right? Not always a smooth ride I am assuming?
I can't believe she doesn't understand normal social boundaries.
she cheated on you ! - So its not a question of understand, more a case of she isnt bothered and will do as she feels.. Regardless of boundaries or whats right or wrong.
Don't let her get to you - it's not worth wasting energy over.
Well one thing would be to establish some sort of grounds for co-parenting.?
What do you mean? Can you be more specific?
IMO the Co parent has to get a heads up at least 2 weeks in advance. ?
Heads up for what?
LH, you Co parent right? Not always a smooth ride I am assuming?
Yes. It's not that difficult for me because my kids are older. Also helps that my WW is a pretty decent mom. I let her know any pertinent info regarding kids but to not engage in any other talk. She's still kooky sometimes. Last week she ask me if she could go in my house into my filing cabinet and look for something. LOL. Yeah not going to happen.
Wow, quick answers. Thank you!
Well one thing would be to establish some sort of grounds for co-parenting.
IMO the Co parent has to get a heads up at least 2 weeks in advance.
I can't believe she doesn't understand normal social boundaries.
Part of me really never ever wants to talk to her again, so that co-parenting thing isn't getting closer atm.
LH, you Co parent right? Not always a smooth ride I am assuming?
So you expect that anytime she introduces someone new into D's life then she has to first get approval from you 2 weeks in advance?
Hmmm, I am not sure your expectations on that are justified. Unless there is child endangerment involved I do not think you have anyway of enforcing that. Plus this was over the phone. What boundary do you think was crossed here?
Thanks again for all answers! Just "talking" to someone about this helps me cool down.
Steve you are right about boundaries. But since kids could see her alone in the car with a man, its not far off for them to be asking about him as a new BF. They are young, but kids understand so much.
Mrb you are right she is not worth wasting my time on. I don't need her.
If my kids get uneasy about something that she has done, that will effect me but I can't control her. Detach!!!
Anyway, to explain.
If we are going to have some sort of co-parenting, some ground rules will have to apply.
IMO if a newly divorced person is to introduce a new boyfriend (not anyone) to there kids I sure think 2 weeks notice is a fair "rule".
If something like that can't be respected or understood by her I will probably give up co-parenting and stop all communication eventually.
It will take too much energy from me in my new life. Better spend that energy on my kids during my time with them.
Other things to agree on could be about food, price level of sport equipment, holidays, etc
When they get older it will be how late they can stay out? Drinking before 18? etc
XW wanting too access your house and file cabinet LH. Lmao
If we are going to have some sort of co-parenting, some ground rules will have to apply.
IMO if a newly divorced person is to introduce a new boyfriend (not anyone) to there kids I sure think 2 weeks notice is a fair "rule".
If something like that can't be respected or understood by her I will probably give up co-parenting and stop all communication eventually.
I think you will find the WW will do as they see fit. R-read what sandy writes - Pure selfish attitude. - She will see rules as controlling, so you are probably going to get no where, other that encourage her to break your rules to prove a point. You cant control her, so why try - let her crash down in front of the children... They will see it eventually and make their own minds up. The focus is you being the better parent - Learn from her screw ups and be the rock.
IMO if a newly divorced person is to introduce a new boyfriend (not anyone) to there kids I sure think 2 weeks notice is a fair "rule".
Why? What will you do in that 2 weeks?
Must of the stuff you cross that bridge when you come to it.
Let her crash down in front of the children... They will see it eventually and make their own minds up. The focus is you being the better parent - Learn from her screw ups and be the rock.
This is so true and just happened to me last week. I got my kids back after 5 days away. I got home from the store and my daughter ran out to greet me. I could tell something was wrong. She asked for a hug and started crying. I ask what's wrong and she said "it's mom. She's miserable and yells at me all the time. She's just not the same person anymore." So I hugged her and validated her feelings and let her know that I am here for her whenever she needs me.
Once again I guess you are all right.
I will think about this and discuss it with my IC. Need to get a new appoitment soon.
What you describe LH (mom making kids feel bad) is just as tough/big for me as the fact that she cheated.
Maybe co-parenting is a lost cause, we will see.
W's own parents couldnt even agree on if they both should come to her graduation from High school.
I dont want to end up there... But then agian I wont be stepped on or misstreated by her.
I will consider a boundary on FaceTime/video chat when OM is around.
OR I will simply never call again with video.
Why? What will you do in that 2 weeks?
I will prepare myself for talking to my child about their new step-dad.
Atm I dont think any of my kids even understand that concept. D3 sure doesnt know step-dads excist at all.
Man, if OM is going o be step-dad I might just break all contact and move to emails only. Thats at least how I feel now.
Huh? Prepare your child for a new step dad when they meet the guy she’s dating? Is she marrying them? I’m confused.
Anyone I’ve dated I’ve had the courtesy of alerting my ex that
Y D will be meeting them. He says “ok, cool, thanks” ( only 3
Guys in 12 years) and he married his affair partner. We do talk. We do Coparent.
You are speaking from a place of personal hurt, not from a place of wanting to coparent effectively
You are speaking from a place of personal hurt, not from a place of wanting to coparent effectively
This is what I was building up to.
While you don't like it there is nothing you can do about it.
A gain very true! Thanks ginger.
However I still believe for young children it is very important and serious
IMHO a new father/mother figure (=someone who spends time with the kids and is around or lives in the childs home) should be introduce very slowly and with a huge amount of respect. I think in some cases the "new parent" is actually a bigger change/impact on their lives than their original parents breaking up.
Still might say something about this to her.
Or, just not use video.
So I understand:
Is it the opinion here that post D you don't say how you feel or think about things to the WAS? because that's the vibe I'm getting.
I see a lot of suggestions to move to email only. That sure indicates strictly formal communication.
It would mean I don't have to see or hear OM.
M,
You can definitely voice your opinion about the children but don’t be surprised if it’s not followed. I promise you that if you got your $hit together your kids will be just fine. Unless of course your ex is extremely toxic.
MHO a new father/mother figure.. and is around or lives in the childs home.. I think in some cases the "new parent" is actually a bigger change/impact on their lives than their original parents breaking up
Mumin, you're making fantastic leaps. D3 saw mommy going on a trip with a guy. D3 didn't see a "new father figure", "step dad", etc. Maybe he will become that. When that's real, that's when you deal with it.
(=someone who spends time with the kids.. ) should be introduce very slowly and with a huge amount of respect.
Introducing him briefly as a background guy on a video call one time seems slow enough.
Is it the opinion here that post D you don't say how you feel or think about things to the WAS? because that's the vibe I'm getting.
Well, yes and no. She's not your partner--your feelings and opinions no longer matter. If you have some info she should consider when making decisions by all means share. Then, step back, and let her make her own choices as a competent parent. Her choices may not be the same ones you'd make, and that's okay. If her care falls below a baseline level you can always involve child protective services or the courts.
I see a lot of suggestions to move to email only. That sure indicates strictly formal communication.
It would mean I don't have to see or hear OM.
If it helps you slow down and be less emotional, that's a great idea.
W's own parents couldnt even agree on if they both should come to her graduation from High school.
I dont want to end up there... But then agian I wont be stepped on or misstreated by her.
Why the need to "agree"?! Mom decides if she wants to go. Dad decides if he wants to go. Sounds like neither one got over the other. If either one had, this becomes largely a non-issue.
As for me, I'd go to my D's graduation regardless of how my ex felt. "I'm going. Hope you come, too!" Fortunately, my ex-W and I get along well enough I invited her to a pre-party for my S's graduation and an after-party for my D's graduation and we attended those together for our children.
Remember, two people can only argue or fight if they both engage in it!
You can avoid the above scenario unilaterally.
It would mean I don't have to see or hear OM.
And here is the root of the issue. Mumin, be honest. This is less to do with your D finding out about mommy's new friend, and more to do with mumin finding out about the OM.
Did you think she's never date again? And then eventually introduce your D to a new SO? Or was your expectation that she's miss you and want to get back together? Mumin, you need to move on. Someday you might get the opportunity to reconcile with her, but the worst thing you can do at this point is to sit there and wait for that to happen.
Mumin,
I haven't followed your sitch carefully, but how often do you really need to email or call? I haven't done either one of those things in months. If necessary, we talk when we're exchanging the kids. And I definitely don't think you should ever call with video again.
But I totally get where you are on seeing or hearing OM. A couple months ago, my wife called and I heard OM's voice in the background. So, I ended the call and we have never spoken on the phone again. Problem solved. Best of luck and sorry you're going through this.
-Spiral
I haven't followed your sitch carefully, but how often do you really need to email or call?
Yes, 2-3min weekly during handoffs is enough for most co-parenting business. “Johnny began sniffling two days ago, I’m giving him 150mg ibuprofen and checking his temperature every 4hrs, and he has a violin recital from page 31 due Friday.” Every 3-6mo something comes up like school registration or a medical cost or grades suggesting a quick call or e-mail.
First off thanks everyone for your answers the past few days!
I read DB several times a day but come here myself for what I would call group-therapy.
Writing here is therapeutic itself and it helps me focus.
However I do believe I need (more and more) to disconnect from DB and my new life
as a process and just
live it.
The past week with kids and family was great! Kids had a blast most of the time and I got some time to work a few hours here an there.
We did go to W's father and had coffee and fresh strawberries. Were there for about two hours.
Mostly talked about everything and nothing but a short convo about the sitch.
Father in law: I am very glad you came! I understand you may not want to talk about it but I really do hope you and W can get a functional/ liveable/ workable (not sure about translation) situation together. I guess its up to you to...
He didn't finish his sentence because I said: IMO its up to her now.
Then I went and comforted D3 who fell.
Yesterday me and the kids drove home, actually had my first road kill of a small roe deer.
Poor thing.
When we arrived home I cleaned up and did all the laundry. A180, that felt SO good.
Me and W used to sometimes leave packed bags for a week+ after coming home form a vacation.
W wrote she'd be coming home late (we hadnt agreed on a specific time).
I got worked up but waited a while and collected my thoughts and just replied:
"That's up to you but the kids are expecting to see you today so you have to be more clear on whether you are coming home after bedtime or not." (She told them on her call last thursday, "see you sunday")
She replied "oh, of course then I'll be home by bedtime."
Interactions last night and this morning were minimal. I was short in my replies as she started some conversations here and there. ("Ok", "thats good" etc)
Only things I mentioned was some of the activities the kids had been doing and the fact that our car will need some service.
The past weeks mood swings with W have been a good reminder of DBing and the new me.
I have been able to give it time and respond (or not) with a logical thought process, rather than emotions.
Regarding OM, Steve you are right that my emotions are all about me finding out about OM.
However, I still have my feelings about introducing new people in a child's life.
I will eventually voice my opinions and then try as hard as I can to expect nothing.
I have started working on an email/text with some things for her to consider.
Ex.
I want us to move to having the kids a week at a time (today 2,2,3).
If she cant decide on the house I will start looking for other places for me and the kids.
My view on introducing new partners to the kids.
I will get a new car, for myself. (This might take months because of my job so might wait with bringing it up.)
---------
This week I am working again and was offered an apartment much closer to the city for the week, so I took it.
Since daycare is closed for four weeks it wouldn't really be possible to work full time from the house.
I will spend some time to myself, read, GAL and it will give the kids some quality time with their mother.
I might spend a night or two at the house.
I will enjoy the week as it comes at me.
Today I feel empowered.
I know I don't need her.
I know I will be alright. I'll be great in fact!
My kids will be alright. Although I want a solid family for them I really cant provide that, so I will be their ROCK.
I am their ROCK. Even D3 is showing tendencies to prefer dad.
Also in my plan for this week:
Hitting the gym hard at least 4 times
Intermittent fasting
Golf
Night out with some friends
Visiting a friend who's working in a cafe, on an island
Start to research which kind of car I want (Prob SUV or a powerful family car)
If I go home I will spend some time working in our yard
"Remember, two people can only argue or fight if they both engage in it!"
CW, this is very powerful in DB but I just realized it is even better post D. Thanks!
Regarding OM, Steve you are right that my emotions are all about me finding out about OM.
However, I still have my feelings about introducing new people in a child's life.
I will eventually voice my opinions and then try as hard as I can to expect nothing.
I have started working on an email/text with some things for her to consider.
Ex.
I want us to move to having the kids a week at a time (today 2,2,3).
If she cant decide on the house I will start looking for other places for me and the kids.
My view on introducing new partners to the kids.
I will get a new car, for myself. (This might take months because of my job so might wait with bringing it up.)
Mumin,
The problem is that you have no way of enforcing this. She can do what she wants, even against your wishes. You have no legal standing as long as the kids are not endangered by her actions (IE, introducing a known pedophile into their lives). Can you even imagine going before a judge about this? "Sir what is your complaint?" "My ex-W continues to date and introduce new SOs into my children's lives!" The judge would see that as an attempt to manipulate whether or not your W dates other people.
The problem that you face is that since you have no way of enforcing it. Since there is no legal standing assuming that the current OM is not a sex offender. FURTHER, since this was merely over Facetime and not even in person! This will make you look petty, pathetic, weak, and desperate. If your goal is to have a chance to R at some point in the future, then you are barking up the wrong tree. Who the kids are around and who they are introduced to while they are in her custody is up to her. If they Facetime with her and OM is there too, then you can look whiny and show yourself being a sore-loser by making a a fuss about it.
A truly detached person would let this roll off his back like water off a duck. The fact that you are making an issue of this proves to me that you are not detached. Either your W is a terrible mother that can not be trusted to introduce new people into your kid's lives. Or she can be trusted. The shock of her having an OM is causing you to overreact....and to use your children as pawns in your "battle". That is not only unattractive, but it is NOT what a good father would do.
If you are truly concerned about your children, rather than trying to institute two week notice rules and other things that cannot be enforced, you would ask to meet the OM. To shake the guys hand and have a conversation with him. To get his name just in case you start to detect things or hear from your kids things that are worrisome. But DO NOT use your own feelings towards your Ex-W's penchant to start dating to cause you to overreact. Did you really think she was never going to date again?!?
Thanks for reading and replying Steve!
At work so will be short.
I wasn't clear in my post.
I am not going to try to enforce the 2 week rule. I have given this a lot of thought and as you say its about my emotions towards W and OM more than about my kids. MAybe the guy is great. What do I know.
From my previous snooping (+7 months back) I don't think so though. But I cant know.
I believe there will be an OM2 and 3 etc but maybe they will stick together and be married. I cant know.
You're idea of talking to OM is really a good idea. Thank You!
Though I would need some real mental preparation for something like that.
The message I mentioned is definitely not done and absolutely something I will run by the forum before sending.
Probably I wont send everything all at once. Maybe I'll only send one of the points now and other later. We'll see.
I just wanted to mention it here as something I am working on.
So again, to be clear.
You guys brought me to clarity. I will not be trying to enforce the 2 week rule.
Its not out of my system completely and maybe it should be "I would like to meet him".
Not sure I mentioned it but this rule/boundary/expectation is something me and my IC discussed in January when I was in panic mode and since then I haven't really processed it in detail. That + not fully detached (that will take time) is probably why I got hung up on it.
You guys helped me process this with some logic and reason.
So of course she will date. OF course my kids might get to a point where they do have a step-dad. I am fully aware of this. In general I don't think it is stupid or strange to have an agreement on these things for a divorced couple. In fact I expect any sane person to understand this. Realizing my W isnt sane I MIGHT voice an opinion about it (as LH put it) but it will NOT be the 2 week rule.
Mumin,
Steve isn't saying that you flat out want to meet the OM when he said this :
If you are truly concerned about your children, rather than trying to institute two week notice rules and other things that cannot be enforced, you would ask to meet the OM.
I think he was saying if you're really worried then meet him, but you are actually worried about something else, right?
I wouldn't worry at all about the OM. He's an idiot and their affair is not dating or relationship and it's not going anywhere. Just let it go and worry about you and the kids.
Mumin,
Steve isn't saying that you flat out want to meet the OM when he said this :
If you are truly concerned about your children, rather than trying to institute two week notice rules and other things that cannot be enforced, you would ask to meet the OM.
I think he was saying if you're really worried then meet him, but you are actually worried about something else, right?
I wouldn't worry at all about the OM. He's an idiot and their affair is not dating or relationship and it's not going anywhere. Just let it go and worry about you and the kids.
Correct. I was saying that would be more productive than insisting her she agree to rules that she is under no obligation to follow.
You're idea of talking to OM is really a good idea. Thank You!
Though I would need some real mental preparation for something like that.
Really - The outcoming being what ?
Even if he is a total jerk, you have very little say in what your WAW does when she has the kids. Hence you cant control it, and you will just get yourself worked up further.
You guys helped me process this with some logic and reason.
Sorry, but there is no logic or reason here. You are frustrated / angry about OM meeting the children - Get it, but if thats what the WAW wants, thats what she will do - regardless of you or what you say.
So i will just come back to my previous post !
You cant control her, so why try - let her crash down in front of the children... They will see it eventually and make their own minds up. The focus is you being the better parent - Learn from her screw ups and be the rock.
drop the control - you can't !
Watch and learn ! Let her be the &^&* with multiple partners - The kids will see it, and respond accordingly. You watch, listen and learn from what you see - and then when you eventually do meet your next partner, you don't act the way she did.. Dopamine and butterflys will tell your head one thing - you reflect back on this and ensure you stay the rock for the children.
Thanks for everyone's responses! Thank you Steve, Ovr, MrB, CW, LH, Spiral!
I really appreciate everything you write. Like I mentioned earlier I am talking less and less about sitch with people so this forum is very important for venting and staying on course.
I think there may be some misunderstanding again. Anyway what MY thought on meeting OM was, was this.
IF she intends to introduce him as her new man and someone that my kids will live with, then it would be a good idea to meet him. Though as mentioned that is for the future.
Journaling and question (s):
Been working and taking time to myself the last few days, lots of gym, some reading and some golf.
Not as much work as I though so I have had brief moments of anxiety or sorrow when I had nothing to do.
Almost NC. Only contact was about kids.
She mentioned she is going abroad nest week. I just said: OK, have fun.
Then there was a video call with the kids, similar to the one last week when the kids were with me.
They were in the car and I was having coffee with my brother so it was very short.
Apparently they redecorated the house.
Last Sunday I found a paper from father in-law saying he will give her a advance on heritage and a sum of money.
Not enough to buy an apartment but substantial. My guess is she will just spend it.
However she still owes me like +$1500.
On top of this I have found a small house that would be perfect for me and the girls. They are not often for sale and they are showing it on the 9th of august.
I am considering typing something like:
I would like us to finish the economical parts of the D.
The longer we delay it the harder it will be.
You need to make a decision on the house first because that decides how we split almost everything else.
As things are now we have agreed will not work so I will look at a house on the 9th and if everything looks right I might want to make an offer.
You also owe me X and I saw you got some money from your dad.
Whats your thoughts on sending something like that?
(For others reading I have suggested (and arranged with bank) to buy her share of the house but I can only afford it at about 5-10% below market value.)
Anyway what MY thought on meeting OM was, was this.
IF she intends to introduce him as her new man and someone that my kids will live with, then it would be a good idea to meet him. Though as mentioned that is for the future.
I haven't read the other's responses, so I may repeat what they've already said. Although most people could empathize with a parent feeling anxious about new adults being introduced into their children's lives (via the wayward spouse), the cold hard truth of the matter is there is very little you can do about it. She has the freedom to bring her friends and lovers around her children. I don't know if it is a law everywhere, but in my state, it is unlawful for two unmarried adults to fornicate under the same roof where there are minors. Frankly, I don't see this law being enforced in this day & time, but I suppose the LBS could use it for grounds to have sole custody, IDK. Still, she'd have visitation rights, and how could you control who meets your children while with her?
What I'm saying is that without some type of legal action or something written in the divorce decree, I don't think there is much you can actually do to control who your WW introduces to the children. I know of one case where the divorce decree or custody papers stated that if the mother brought a man to stay in the home (for obvious reasons), the father would have full physical custody of the children until they were 18. And, funny enough, that's just what happened!
My question to you is, how do you envision meeting OM? Do you plan to ask him questions, in order to evaluate whether or not he is fit to be around your kids? Do you not think he would be instantly defensive, maybe making things worse (depending on the depravity of the individual)? What happens after you meet him? Talk to your WW about how it makes you feel?
Before you jump, I suggest you research your state laws regarding this subject.
(((hugs)))
sandi, our new friend Indy could really use your help in his thread.
Thanks for posting Sandi, you know you have my heart and my full attention.
Nice to see you back on the boards and I agree with Steve about indy.
My question to you is, how do you envision meeting OM? Do you plan to ask him questions, in order to evaluate whether or not he is fit to be around your kids? Do you not think he would be instantly defensive, maybe making things worse (depending on the depravity of the individual)? What happens after you meet him? Talk to your WW about how it makes you feel?
First off I am completely aware I can only control and even influence 50% of my kids lives from now on. That I have understood and I thanks the boards once again!
If (a big if) I would meet him it would require a lot of preparation and it would mainly be about understanding a bit about who is. It would only require a brief interaction to get a first impression and I might say something about respecting the children. That's how I envision it.
Your comment on making things worse is definitely something I will think about.
What's the boards take on my proposed message to W about the house?
I can tell you, you telling her what she “needs “ to do isn’t going to go over so well
Last Sunday I found a paper from father in-law saying he will give her a advance on heritage and a sum of money.
Not enough to buy an apartment but substantial. My guess is she will just spend it.
However she still owes me like +$1500.
100% let her know that you know and you want your money now before it's gone.
I am considering typing something like:
I would like us to finish the economical parts of the D.
The longer we delay it the harder it will be.
You need to make a decision on the house first because that decides how we split almost everything else.
As things are now we have agreed will not work so I will look at a house on the 9th and if everything looks right I might want to make an offer.
You also owe me X and I saw you got some money from your dad.
Whats your thoughts on sending something like that?
(For others reading I have suggested (and arranged with bank) to buy her share of the house but I can only afford it at about 5-10% below market value.)
I think that would be fine to type. Ginger, I think she's had a couple of months to figure out if she wants to stay or go, at some point she does need to decide. She's had time to make plans to travel abroad but can't figure out if she wants to, or can, buy Mumin out of the house? Sounds stupid to me.
Unfortunately , if you say “ you need to” it won’t be taken so well. It’s all in how you word it. I understand it’s time to say these things, but it’s all in how you worked it
Ya I get that, Ginger. Tone would matter too, and if he types it there is a chance it could be taken the way you're talking about.
Hey everyone, Its been a while!
Been reading the forums almost every day but much hasnt changed (till this past week) and I havnt gotten around to journal. (Also, I had been journaling abit to myself but my phone broke so I dont recall everything.)
Anyway, summer vacations was really nice but from time to time things felt off.
Spent some really good times with the kids and my parents as well as a 10 day to myself.
W apparently went abroad (pretty sure with whom she went but didnt ask anything).
I maintain about 3-4 HEAVY weightlifting sessions a week. People are noticing.
Sitch highlights since last time:
* Since W brought NOTHING up the past few months I just said I was going to look at the house I mentioned here earlier. It eas nice but Id prefer to stay in my current house and it got her talking. So we agreed its best if I buy here share fo the house but I have been clear bout it not being at market price. I went and found a lawyer that is willing to do the remaining paperwork at a fixed price. W agreed two days ago to proceed. Now we must agree on the main posts of the asset list, House, Cars, Loans. Then We'll be DONE!
* W thinks she can get a 4-room apartment but she hasnt even spoken to the bank yet...
This shows how juvenile she is. I don't believe she is Wayward anymore but it seems she still hasn't realized whats actually happening. She has definitely not done ANY work on herself (Yet).
* W claims she is going to talk to a therapist. But she also said she told her dad to find her one. I believe nothing she says.
* D6 started elementary school and we are actually co-parenting pretty well. She did a huge cleaning of the house and made a list of all the clothes and equipment that we need to get for the kids.
* Second day after vacation W got angry because she didn't think I would be staying in the house while she is here anymore. What the F is she thinking??? I basically said " Thinks will remain as they were before vacations, and so you know my brother is selling his apartment so I cant really stay there right now".
Also, while eating dinner together D3 asked to hear her new favorite song. These are some of the lyrics
:
"Do you really think he cares for you?"
"Its been a year since we broke up. Isnt there anything that you miss about me?"
"Do you think he cares for you? The way I care for you?"
W actually shed a tear during that dinner. Very strange at the table but I laughed really hard after.
* It is hard living under the same roof. Detachment gets hit and we are talking ordinary thing a bit too much (she initiates). This has been the main driver for me to force the remaining paper work. I want to move on.
W apparently went abroad (pretty sure with whom she went but didnt ask anything).
W thinks she can get a 4-room apartment but she hasnt even spoken to the bank yet...
This shows how juvenile she is. I don't believe she is Wayward anymore but it seems she still hasn't realized whats actually happening. She has definitely not done ANY work on herself (Yet).
Second day after vacation W got angry because she didn't think I would be staying in the house while she is here anymore. What the F is she thinking???
Why do you believe she is no longer wayward? Have you seen some indication that would suggest she's had a change of heart?
Hey Sandi,
Thanks for your response!
I guess it depends on the definition of Wayward.
To me that real waywardness is what my W was full of about 6 months ago.
Completely selfish and not a care in the world, not even aware of what kind of turmoil she is causing.
Fog. Blindness. Selfishness. And a super addictive rush that everything is about.
Lately my W has shown much more kindness and awareness of everything.
However, as I said she is very juvenile and in a way that is my fault.
I did ALL of the grown up things in our time together. ALL of it!
She is in for an enormous amount of life lessons...
But back to waywardness.
When thinking about if I guess you could put it on a scale.
May be my W is a 1 or a 2 out of 5.
Still driven strongly by her rush, but she HAS realized her behavior has consequences and she is aware. I see it.
She is prioritizing the kids more as well.
Though, while reading through other sitches I realize I haven't gotten that much of the verbal attack. Not much at all.
So maybe her waywardness is still there. She's just realized she can do it without me seeing it.
Anyway it doesn't really matter that much for me. There is on way forward.
For the kids though I really wish she owns her s**t and continues to get it together.
I guess it depends on the definition of Wayward.
The definition speaks for itself. Look it up.
Lately my W has shown much more kindness and awareness of everything.
Here's a little test you can use to see if your W is still wayward. Just cross her. See how quickly her "kindness" changes.
When everything is going to her liking, it's not that difficult for her to play at kindness. The minute you throw a monkey wrench into her plans........you'll see the person she really is. Didn't you see that happen when she learned you would be staying in the house?
However, as I said she is very juvenile and in a way that is my fault.
I did ALL of the grown up things in our time together. ALL of it!
She is in for an enormous amount of life lessons...
This is why I have a problem with H's spoiling their W's by doing all "the grown up things". I think some men see it as a way of demonstrating their love. Maybe some men like to feel their W is totally dependent on them, IDK. I just know it is very bad for the MR....... and it's bad for the woman. I hope you will not repeat this behavior/action in the future. ((hugs))
But back to waywardness.
When thinking about if I guess you could put it on a scale.
May be my W is a 1 or a 2 out of 5.
I'm wondering if this is case where it depends on
your definition of waywardness. There have been many LBH's fooled into thinking their WW had changed, when in reality, it was more about what the LHB wanted desperately to see in her. They would mistakenly base it on how much nicer the WW was treating them. Those nice ways may eventually come, if she's really working on heart, but please don't base the whole idea of "she is no longer wayward" on it.
Still driven strongly by her rush, but she HAS realized her behavior has consequences and she is aware. I see it.
By
rush, do you mean her addiction to the high the affair gives her?
I'm glad she is aware of her behavior has consequences. Hopefully, the consequences will be heavy enough to change her course. However, one of the descriptions of waywardness is willful rebellion. So, even if she sees the consequences, she may choose to continue going down her wayward path. Unfortunately, I remember a couple of cases where things got really bad for the WW and it still did not turn her around......at the time of the last posting of the LBH's. I would love to know if anything changed later, but we usually don't hear back from people who stop posting. Anyway, I mainly wanted to say that a WW will decide if the consequences are worth what the choices she makes. In other words, if she faces consequences for an affair, she'll decide if it's worth these consequences to continue contacting OM, or not. What looks like heavy consequences to you, may not be the one that makes the difference for her. Since being on the board, I've read some wild stories where WW's would leave their babies behind, so they could continue an affair. Mind blowing!
She is prioritizing the kids more as well.
Really glad to hear this ^^^^^^. Do you prompt her, or is this prioritizing all on her own?
Though, while reading through other sitches I realize I haven't gotten that much of the verbal attack. Not much at all.
So maybe her waywardness is still there. She's just realized she can do it without me seeing it.
Some WW's are more verbally vicious than others. A WW can change, if she wants to change. I don't think it looks quiet like the LBH thinks it will look.......but it can be done.
For the kids though I really wish she owns her s**t and continues to get it together.
I do too, Mumin. Not only for the children's sake, but for her own sake, as well.
Take care. ((hugs))
Thanks for posting again Sandi! Will get back to some of your points. But you are right i shouldnt see her as non wayward already.
Anyway, wanted to do a quick post.
Exactly a years ago today we got married. Feels strange.
W asked me how I feel out of the blue and I wasn’t really prepared.
Said I feel good but was far from firm on my voice.
I said it’s a strange day, but doesn’t really mean anything. She agreed And said it meant something to her then...
I want to get D finished and have her move out ASAP.
Journal
Yesterday W we all had dinner again. (keep thinking, this might be the last one ever)
What I wanted to note as a journal is that W was wearing the ring I bought her for our 5 year anniversary.
That thing could basically be an engagement ring...
I'm not analyzing it, just thought it was odd.
Also seems AGAIN that she is hesitant to the price we have earlier discussed for the house.
Mentioned using a new realtor..
Be strong!
Irrelevant. The ring thing means nothing. Do not be swayed by it. Keep going. You can do it...
Thank you for checking in Vapo!
Wanted a note of her wearing it. I really put zero meaning /value on that happening.
She's buying 500-3000 US dollar handbags so I guess she just lines to wear diamonds as well...
Today she said there's no chance we are selling the house.
But she still wants a new realtor to value it...
Journaling.
Had a great weekend at home with the kids, and my brother was over for one night.
First sauna session for this fall and got a lot of work done around the house. (Really hope I can keep the place).
A friend of mine asked if W and OM are puiblic now. I said not that I know.
Apparently shes been showing some pics on her instagram story and she must have specifically chosen not to show me.
Doesnt mean anything really, I had seen she uses groups so I figured this would happen. But it hurts abit.
Just let the rain bounce of. Going to lift weights over lunch so that will be nice.
Also this morning W called. I didnt answer so she asked me to call and I did a while later.
Short call but it was only about asking if kids were in school.
Something she could have jsut written on FB or SMS...
I am thinking about asking her to not call for small matter like that.
Any input/perspectives?
Also this morning W called. I didnt answer so she asked me to call and I did a while later.
Short call but it was only about asking if kids were in school.
Something she could have jsut written on FB or SMS...
I am thinking about asking her to not call for small matter like that.
Any input/perspectives?
IMO - you should not ask her. That's a form of control to manage your own feelings. What you can control are your own actions.
Perhaps you could text her next time - "Hey. Can't chat right now. What's up?".
Or you could not respond at all. I know that's scary with having kids but my gut says that if it truly important - there will be a more detailed message involved. I'll let vets here w/kids speak to that.
I wouldn't ask her not to call. It's pretty. A phone call is a better form of communication than text or email too in most ways.
Did she pay you back for the fake tatas yet? If not I'd be considering returning those expensive handbags for her.
What does she mean you guys aren't selling the house?
Thanks for posting Ovr and Val!
I need to vent and handle more feelings than I thought today.
Her going public hit me more than it should and more than I thought it would.
Feeling better now and got through the work day well, including 2 hrs at the gym.
I feel even stronger now that I want to finish the whole D process and move on physically!
Val your points are great and I will Re read them. Thanks!!
Ovr I also prefer a phone call most of the time but now she called and then wrote for me to call her back as soon as I could. When a four word text would have been sufficient. But you are both right. VAL your text suggestion would be best and I will reference it in the future.
She paid the original debt quite fast but now owes for a heat pump.
I have brought it up when we talk about splitting assets so should be fine.
With the house I assume she meant that she wants me to buy her share of the house, no matter what.
We both agree it would be good for the kids and she can't afford it.
I have already told her I will max my house credit and loan some money from my parents to do it. But it will mean we agree to a valuation of the house that's a bit lower than market value. Not much though so in a sales process she could even get less if we are unlucky. So her getting a new realtor to do a second valuation just prolongs the process really...
Thanks for posting Ovr and Val!
I need to vent and handle more feelings than I thought today.
Her going public hit me more than it should and more than I thought it would.
Feeling better now and got through the work day well, including 2 hrs at the gym.
I feel even stronger now that I want to finish the whole D process and move on physically!
Try to be kind to yourself with the "shoulds". Feelings and thoughts are not really things that we can control. They just kinda are. As you feel them - you learn valuable information about yourself. Also feeling them diminishes your chances of reaction and strengthens your chance of responding... IMHO.
With the house I assume she meant that she wants me to buy her share of the house, no matter what.
We both agree it would be good for the kids and she can't afford it.
I have already told her I will max my house credit and loan some money from my parents to do it. But it will mean we agree to a valuation of the house that's a bit lower than market value. Not much though so in a sales process she could even get less if we are unlucky. So her getting a new realtor to do a second valuation just prolongs the process really...
I haven't read through your sitch but do you have a L involved? My thoughts are to becareful here. I'm not sure if she is prolonging the process as much as feeling that she is entitled to more. It could also be both. Not your problem really. What do you want to do about the house?
Thanks Valeska. It's good to feel.
An L is involved but since in Scandinavia we it isn't as important.
I want to buy the house. I love the house and it's my kids home.
I told her that in March when she was crazy about wanting to move out. At that point I said, get a rental and juts do it. She didn't. In May I told her I had cleared an extended credit with the bank and all of a sudden she wasn't in a hurry anymore.... I didn't feel the need to rush things (meanwhile DBing and finding my own ways) but after summer vacations I've felt a much stronger will/need to move on.
I came home late. Going to bed in D6s room since W and kids are sleeping in MBR...
Sleep in your bed and put the kids in their own beds.
If she is calling when a short text would suffice I would call that a positive sign and move on.
Thanks Ovr. You are always to the point and helpful! Thank you so much for sticking around!
Sleeping in my own bed tonight. W actually appologized this morning.
She also arranged for D6 to start Ballet again which we discussed.
As mentioned she is getting less wayward. Still spending thousands on clothing and accessories while she should be saving for an apartment though...
Though D3 had a complete breakdown this morning and I had to step in and calm her down.
Hoping my strongest that she will be a good mother. Like she used to be.
M,
What do you mean she's less wayward. She's posting her relationship with OM while still married. That's extremely wayward.
What I mean is she considers me and the kids in her every-day life MORE.
So less wayward than her GET ME OUT mentality and ZERO regard of me or kids from a few months back.
As Ovr put it, I take these things as positives signs for co-parenting.
If she would have had the same mentality as in Feb-April I would have declined to co-parent and monitored her actions from a distance to see if had a case for full custody or not.
I am glad we are not going down that road.
With regards to OM and marriage I think she simply doesnt consider herself married anymore.
D process is started and we are close (I hope) to splitting our assets.
She rolled her yes at me when I said "we are married you know" as early as January...
Also, I think this is an easy way for her to just notify people of the news, without actually having to talk to anyone.
I asked my brother who also follows her on Instagram and he hadnt seen anything either so she is hand-picking who gets to see it and it probably looks to other people as though I also can see it.
She's just a lame and weak individual.
Freakishly hot but very weak and selfish.
Just spoke to W after putting kids to bed.
She agrees to me buying the house and I am scheduling an appointment with th L to finalize the financial thing.
It ain't over till it's over but I'm glad we are moving forward!
Didn't use those words but we agreed to co-parenting as well.
Spent the weekend mostly with friends, helping out with wood work, some partying, sauna and hit the gym.
Been reading some sitches that turn around recently and I can feel I still have a will for that to happen in my sitch.
Logically I don't want anything to do with her but some feelings remain.
I need to examine why. She treated me like garbage for a full year and is living with OM...
Logically I don't want anything to do with her but some feelings remain.
I need to examine why. She treated me like garbage for a full year and is living with OM...
Instability and the fear of the unknown. Thinking you will never find someone as "freakishly hot as her". All catastrophic thinking and a waste of time. No one knows what the future holds.
Logically I don't want anything to do with her but some feelings remain.
I need to examine why. She treated me like garbage for a full year and is living with OM...
You're recovering. Right after BD you excuse all the bad treatment and blame yourself for it. Then you come to realize that her bad treatment of you is a reflection of her character flaws, not yours. But the feelings are still there (I think this is where you are now). Then eventually the feelings fade and you're left with an honest, unflinching appraisal of who she has become, and most likely it won't be someone you're interested in. So don't beat yourself up too much trying to sort it all out, it will come with time. It took about 2 years post BD for me.