Together 23 years
Married 19 years
2 boys, 17 and 15
She filed for divorce in February
She left in April
Hello everyone, I am new here as you can probably tell. I have been reading some of the other threads and decided to post about my current situation. My wife filed for divorce in February. She was loving and caring right up to that point. Still showing affection, cuddling, saying I love you, making plans with me etc. She told me on a Saturday and that Monday the filing happened. I told her that is not what I want but I want you to be happy. So, I got a lawyer, and we were discussing all the splitting up stuff details, which was really hard and really wearing on me. I kept calm and positive throughout that and she was excited and happy talking about it, which also hurt. After a couple weeks I asked her what would need to change for her to be happy in our marriage. Then I took that info and started doing self work. After a couple weeks I asked her to put a hold on the divorce and give me some time to show her I was serious and dedicated to working on our marriage. She said she would not put a hold on it, but that I have plenty of time. So, I kept on. In April she came to me and said, I got an apartment and I am leaving now. She got some clothes and drove away.
I was really shocked because just the night before we spent about 3 hours talking, which was her talking and me listening and working on validating. She was talking about her feelings and her childhood and really opening up it seemed, none related to us our our marriage though. I thought it went really well and then the next day, she left.
I haven't seen or spoke to her much since then. I have called her twice. Once the first night and asked if she was okay. And again about a week later to tell her that I understand what she told me and a divorce is not what I want but if that is what she wants then okay. I have seen her very briefly a couple times when she came to pickup things or the kids. I said hi politely and went into another room. Other than that the only contact I have had is her emailing me related to either divorce stuff or arrangements for the kids. I respond only if required.
The last couple weeks I have been redoing some things around the house. She took the living room furniture and the kitchen table, so I have replaced and rearranged all that. She left a lot of her stuff here so I have put most of it in boxes in the basement as I rearranged stuff. She hasn't come to pick stuff up since she took the furniture about a month ago.
I do love my wife and want to work this out, I am not sure if that will happen though. I have been working on myself and taking care of our boys. I had them for about a month but the last couple weeks or so they have spent half their time with her. Since our oldest is 17, he pretty much drives himself and his brother back and forth. So I really don't see her much at all. Like I said a couple times for a minute each.
I really have no idea how she is doing, how she feels, whats been going on with her. So I have no idea if there is really even a chance. I have been just going on with my life and keeping a small hope in my heart. Exercising, counseling, self work, etc., and spending time with our boys when I have them. She hasn't tried to settle the divorce at all, but I imagine that is because she just wants it to go to a judge so I don't think that is really any indication of anything. She did stop wearing her wedding ring the day she left. I haven't said anything but of course the couple times I saw her I noticed it was not there.
So later today she is planning to pickup the rest of her clothes. It has been a couple weeks since she was last here. I am planning the same, say hi and let her in, the go in the other room and keep working.
I guess I am doing okay so far. I miss her a lot still. I want her to come home still. I know life will go on and I will be okay if she doesn't, it is just not what I hope happens.
Thanks for reading. Let me know if I am making any mistakes that you see. Or any other advice of course.
Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. Please read all of the links.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmand Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Thanks. I have ordered the DR book.
Relationships generally fall apart for one of three reasons: (1) One partner becomes emotionally unstable for a variety of reasons, which may include mental illness, addiction, issues related to a bad childhood, etc. (2) One partner has a momentary lapse of judgement and cheats and the other partner can't forgive them, or (3) the relationship slowly degrades over time for both people.
In the first case, sometimes people have latent issues and they either temporarily get better (an addict stops using for a while, a person with a mood disorder pursues treatment, etc), or the partner knows the issues are there and chooses to ignore them initially, fooling themselves or falsely believing that things will magically get better in the future.
This "fooling yourself" phenomenon is a lot of what goes on -- you fall in love with who you want the person to be versus who they really are. Over time, your veneer gets stripped away, you see them for who they really are and it’s no longer acceptable.
The tragic situation is when someone who was emotionally healthy when you met and dated them has a breakdown after you're married and just becomes unlivable due to their issues. That's rare but it certainly does happen, people just "go crazy" sometimes.
The third scenario is really what the quote above is about. Chances are if the husband is ignoring the wife's complaints, it’s because he's not very motivated to respond to them. The reason is generally that he's not having his needs met either, and his complaints are likely also being ignored.
That's the vicious cycle that tends to land people here -- your needs aren't being met, so you're less motivated to provide your wife with what she needs. Her needs aren't being met, so she's not motivated to give you what you need, and that spinning wheel eventually drives you apart until one person (or both people) decides they want out.
Sometimes the scenarios are combined, you could have all three things going on.
My point is, unless you "went crazy" after you married W, this is in *no way* your fault for not responding to her complaints. She is equally if not more culpable than you are in that regard. Don't let her off the hook for that, and don't shoulder the blame.
It's good to be aware of these dynamics so that you can identify and avoid them in the future, but you're not guilty.
Here's what I mean when I say "make things worse": you are genetically wired to protect your wife and kids. When she's in distress, your first instinct is going to be to try to make things better. When you feel that you're making an effort to relieve her distress, it brings you a feeling of relief.
When you don't respond to her distress, it’s going to make you feel uncomfortable. You're going to get a cortisol dump and it’s going to be very tempting to act to make that bad feeling stop.
You'll tell yourself stories that you're being a bad person, or that you're "pushing her away" to justify trying to relieve your discomfort. "Making things worse" means that you grin and bear it.
You basically need to withdraw support -- emotional support and financial support to the degree possible. If she makes a mess, *she* needs to clean it up. You do not step in and enable her in any way.
If she gets mad at you, you shrug it off, you don't engage.
If she cries in front of you, you let her cry and you make NO effort to comfort her.
You go out and "get a life" and you don't feel *any* responsibility to explain or justify what you're doing, you just do it.
Very important: You are *not* mean, punishing, or passive aggressive. You don't make nasty comments. You don't go out of your way to inconvenience her, you simply act as if you are completely uninterested and unaffected by her.
When she senses that she's losing control over you, she *will* fight back. She will try to manipulate you to stay invested in her. The more you resist, the harder she will try. She'll scream and yell, she'll accuse, she'll break down and cry, she'll blame. The minute you engage, you lose. This will be uncomfortable, it will feel *worse* than giving in to her and engaging. That's what making things worse means.
Often people mistake this fighting on the part of the WAW as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in her is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with her affair partners and outside interests, she can always come back to her comfortable marriage.
It’s a huge comfort to know that she has you to fall back on if things go badly for her. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
She needs to *fully believe* that you will not be there for her if she chooses to return, and that if she wants to come back she's going to have to work for it.
You can't tell her that, she'll never believe it. You have to show her that beyond a doubt with your actions.
Ever run into a crazy person on the sidewalk who points at you and yells at you? You do what you can to minimize the interaction but after that you move on. It doesn't ruin your day, it certainly doesn't hurt your self-esteem or make you feel worse about who you are.
You need to regard her with exactly the same level of detachment and disinterest.
At the same time, you have to build a life for yourself that anyone would want to be a part of, full of fun activities, outside interests, and engaging friends. If you can do both of those things -- completely emotionally uncouple from her (fake it until you make it) *and* build an amazing life for yourself, she'll clamor to come back and if she doesn't you won't care. That's your only winning path out of where you are, but getting there is going to be uncomfortable, and more painful than you feel today, because it will go against your white knight nature.
You cannot placate her, you cannot "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.
You also cannot push her away by withdrawing support.
She has chosen her course of action, and as of right now, *nothing* you do will impact it.
Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
Thanks LH. I am working on that now. I did not mention in my first post, but she does have a mental illness also. Which I have worried about. Emotionally detaching is what I am working on now. I think it is going okay, but I am definitely still doing the fake it till you make it. I know that, I think I am doing good at faking it, and sometimes feel close to making it.
Andy88, sorry for your situation. Welcome to the board. I can only relate to this in part because my W never left. In our first sitch 15 years ago she immediately said she'd end her EA, and wanted to stay and work on the MR and not get a D. Then 2 1/2 years ago her attitude was different. She immediately said she wanted a D, wanted to get a job, and wanted to get her own apartment. You W sounds like she was where mine was but followed through.
During my sitch 2 1/2 years ago I read and learned a lot about infidelity, why women at our W's ages suddenly felt this itch to rekindle their sexuality outside of the marriage. But I have to warn you, that is the feeling I am getting here. I found a book about why women cheat by another author (not MWD so I can't tell you the name) that explained in detail a lot about women and their hormonal journey. About how men peak sexually earlier in life, and women later. So a woman in her 40s moving into her sexual peak becomes very much like a late teen, early 20s boy: horny as all get out and wanting it with as many partners as possible.
One thing that I learned from that author is that wives do not need their own place to work on the MR, or to find themselves. They need their own place to sleep with other people.
I do not say this to you to hurt you, I say this to you to prepare you. Likely the other shoe is going to fall and your W is engaged in an affair. Likely was only an EA at first that moved into a PA. But the suddenness of all of this points in that direction.
You talk about your W's excitement at discussing the D. That was my W to a tee. Whenever she talked about getting the D, getting her job and her own place she was excited. She was convinced that would make her happy. She wanted me to keep the house, for our D to live with me, and she could come over and play "family". The first bubble I popped of hers was that the latter wasn't going to happen. That I wasn't going to sit idly by and allow her to breeze in and out of my living space. I insisted we'd sell the house, split everything down the middle, that we would have our D living with each of us 50/50, and that I had to be able to move forward with my life just like she did. That really started to burst her wayward fog bubble.
Andy, your sitch reminds me so much of my W"s plan. Even down to her taking some of the furniture. I remember having that conversation with her like it was yesterday.
So go recapture that life you used to have. Reconnect with old friends. Pick up old hobbies.Stay busy. Continue focusing on yourself for improvements you can make. Get yourself into IC. Read like crazy. ANd finally work on detaching from her. If you are like most of us you were way to dependent on your W for your own happiness. Go find Andy88 again, learn to be happy by yourself. There is no more of attractive person than the person that is happy and fulfilled on their own!
Thanks Steve for both the words of warning and encouragement. She was just here at the house for 20 or 30 minutes getting her clothes she left behind. I just let her in, said hi, your things are in the basement, and went back to work. I was on a conference call.
She lost quite a bit of weight over the last few months too. And I haven't seen her in a few weeks, she has lost more for sure. I didn't say anything though.
By your comments I am guessing your wife stayed and you are working things out now?
She hasn't said anything and I haven't seen any evidence yet of an affair, but I know that doesn't mean anything. She has accused me of cheating almost constantly for 10 years now. Even though there was no evidence and most of that time we had an active sex life. And just to be clear, I never had an affair or cheated. As for her own place, she said she has no interest in ever working on the marriage and that she wants to move on with her life without me. As fast as possible. That could be true or not, either way I am certain that she didn't tell me everything. Why would she.
Detaching is weird too. Because she has been my best friend and lover and wife for so long. I love her still. I am sure everyone has to go through the same, but I still have all those feelings for her and I am just hiding them away pretending that I don't care. I am doing well at getting on with my life for the most part, but I do miss her and think about her. Some days are better than others. And the more time has gone the more better days there are. But even on the best days I am still thinking about her. I guess it feels like I am giving up on the hope that we can reconcile and I still want that hope.
Please study detachment. It isn't pretending that you don't care. It is getting to a place where her words and actions do not affect you emotionally. It is really a healthy place for an individual to be, even an individual in a committed, loving relationship. Google "self-differentiation in marriage" for another take on it.
Gotcha. Thanks, I will look at that one.
I see what you mean about detachment. I am going to look at that more. I was using the term wrong there, although I do need to work on that as well. I was referring more to disinterest I guess, if that is the right term. Basically that if I show her I want her to come back then she won't. Since I do want her to come back, that is the pretending part. Unless I am missing that point as well.
Hi Andy,
I am not on much these days, but LH19 and Steve85 are very wise Dbers. Be thankful they are posting to you.
Now is a great time to make positive changes to your belief system and behaviors. People here have done it and can help support you though yours.
My belief is most guys do not understand what woman are (hardwired) attracted to. Do you research in this area.
Confidence is at the top of the pile. Project confidence while going through this. Embrace the process.
Everything I could ever tell you to do is found here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712Best worst thing I ever went through. I am a better person having gone though it.
Take all your focus off of your wife and put all your energy into your personal growth and being a great father.
I wish you well.
I see what you mean about detachment. I am going to look at that more. I was using the term wrong there, although I do need to work on that as well. I was referring more to disinterest I guess, if that is the right term. Basically that if I show her I want her to come back then she won't. Since I do want her to come back, that is the pretending part. Unless I am missing that point as well.
There is an element of pretending at first. We call it "fake it until you make it". But the idea of detachment isn't necessarily and outward thing. It is inward.
I like to say that detachment is getting to a place where your W could come to you and admit to an orgy with 12 guys, and you would have no visceral, emotional reaction to it. In other words, not being emotionally affected by her words and deeds.
Hi Andy,
I am not on much these days, but LH19 and Steve85 are very wise Dbers. Be thankful they are posting to you.
Now is a great time to make positive changes to your belief system and behaviors. People here have done it and can help support you though yours.
My belief is most guys do not understand what woman are (hardwired) attracted to. Do you research in this area.
Confidence is at the top of the pile. Project confidence while going through this. Embrace the process.
Everything I could ever tell you to do is found here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712Best worst thing I ever went through. I am a better person having gone though it.
Take all your focus off of your wife and put all your energy into your personal growth and being a great father.
I wish you well.
Thanks for your encouragement and suggestion.
There is an element of pretending at first. We call it "fake it until you make it". But the idea of detachment isn't necessarily and outward thing. It is inward.
I like to say that detachment is getting to a place where your W could come to you and admit to an orgy with 12 guys, and you would have no visceral, emotional reaction to it. In other words, not being emotionally affected by her words and deeds.
I think I have a way to go in that area then. How can I not feel hurt if something like that happened?
Lol. I’m with you Andy. I never quite understood why Steve uses this analogy. IMO any sane person would have a problem with that happening.
He has toned it down the he use to say prisoners.
There is an element of pretending at first. We call it "fake it until you make it". But the idea of detachment isn't necessarily and outward thing. It is inward.
I like to say that detachment is getting to a place where your W could come to you and admit to an orgy with 12 guys, and you would have no visceral, emotional reaction to it. In other words, not being emotionally affected by her words and deeds.
I think I have a way to go in that area then. How can I not feel hurt if something like that happened?
I didn't say it was easy. However, it is all about expectations. Right now you should have no expectations of her. She may be sleeping with someone else. She may not be. You expect that she is not because, well,. you are still married. Likely to her right now she feels single, and that the marriage is just a legal construct that needs to be dealt with at some point. You expect that she still sees you as her husband. Likely she does not as most WASs/WSs consider the marriage over in their own minds after BD. You expect that she is the the same girl you married. SHE IS NOT!
This is why we encourage LBSs to have NO, NONE, ZERO expectations. Expectations will set you back. They will destroy. The expectations, that you may still be holding on to, are not realistic expectations at this point. They are your defense mechanisms kicking in to help you deal with what you are going through.Probably the hardest thing LBSs deal with is the reality of what is happening. It is easier to bury your head in the sand and pretend.
I had a close friend, the only person that knows both me and my W (she was a friend prior to our getting married) that helped me face the reality of what I was facing. She, like our own sandi, had been a WW herself. And she pulled no punches with me. One of the things I remember her telling me blatantly, in no uncertain terms, was when I was wondering why she was behaving the way she was, she told me: "Because Steve she wants to screw other guys!!!" She knew because she had been there.
Andy, what I am trying to get you to see here is that ANYTHING can come to light. Now that your situation has progressed to the point it is, you should be ready to face just about anything. Even what I just told you above.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
I already see some common LBS mistakes you are making. For instance I can tell from your statement: "She hasn't tried to settle the divorce at all, but I imagine that is because she just wants it to go to a judge so I don't think that is really any indication of anything." that you are wanting to place significance on the fact that she isn't pushing the D forward faster. You are trying to talk yourself out of that significance but you still have an underlying belief that this may be an indication that she isn't sure about what she is doing. That is an expectation. Lots of LBS put a lot of significance on the D itself. They panic when the WAS pushes it forward and relieved when they don't.
The fact is that WASs are notoriously lazy about D. Most of the time it is the LBS that eventually goes and files, or hires a lawyer to push it forward, after a period of time has passed with no movement on it from the WAS. Think about it, she right now has no incentive to push the D forward. She has her own place, she is on her own. She can come and go as she chooses, and she can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants any time she chooses. She has no responsibilities, no child care, etc. She is living her fantasy that popped into her head and some point in the past. She is moving on with her life whether or not the D is settled or not! So you see, the D has no bearing on her and what she does, yet you are placing significance on it, as most LBSs do.
So back to the original point. All of this behavior that she is already engaging in SHOWS that you have to be prepared for anything. Is she engaging with her kids at all right now? You mention you and her have limited contact, is she staying in touch with her two sons at all?
So yes, detachment means that you get yourself to a place where her crazy has no emotional effect on you. That is not something that happens overnight, it is a process that you have work on overtime. I can tell you Andy, that when my situation really started to change was when my W could say and do anything, I was unaffected by it. I learned the power of "oh, ok." As if she was telling me it was raining.
So work on it. It helps if you are staying busy. Those that struggle detaching the most are the ones that do the poorest job at GAL.
Since I do want her to come back, that is the pretending part. Unless I am missing that point as well.
Well it's not pretending so much as keeping it to yourself. Her actions show you what she wants and you know it, so what's the point to keep telling her you want her back? It would only make you look desperate and pathetic and that is not the sort of thing that will attract her back to you.
You should be losing weight and getting in great shape and going out with friends and carrying this big smile everywhere you go. Before I met my W this is how I acted. I smiled and made eye contact with woman, didn't stare, but I'd talk to all of them who wanted to talk.
I think I have a way to go in that area then. How can I not feel hurt if something like that happened?
I think Steve is making a point more than anything, but really at this point, with her out of the house, it shouldn't affect you anymore. She isn't yours, you aren't hers, and y'all aren't together. Ultimately whatever story you tell yourself about something is how you feel.
You say to yourself "W is seeing someone else, this is bad" and then you feel bad. Or you say "she is seeing someone, this has nothing to do with me anymore" and you remain indifferent bc at this point it is an indifferent thing and it being morally good or morally bad has literally nothing to do with how you act.
I was really shocked because just the night before we spent about 3 hours talking
Well you put those expectations on this situation and you were upset when you didn't get what you wanted. But really you could have been indifferent to this and you'd feel a lot better. I think it is good though that you are trying to listen and validate. Great job there man.
I guess I am doing okay so far. I miss her a lot still. I want her to come home still. I know life will go on and I will be okay if she doesn't, it is just not what I hope happens.
Good. Life will go on. There are so many positives. You know have the house to yourself, you can make steak every night, you can watch whatever show, you can do everything your way. Your mind wants what it can't have that's our instinctual monkey brain at work.
I would arrange a GAL/self growth plan. Reading, activities, fun, social, work, family, etc.
Thanks to everyone jumping in here and helping me, I do appreciate it. At work now so have to be really brief but I wanted to say that.
Hi Andy
Sorry to hear about your situation. There is a lot of very helpful information on this site and advice from the veterans here (who have alreayd chipped in above) will be invaluable to you.
The main things to focus on are - and please don't groan or shoot me for saying this - 'finding yourself'. For want of a better phrase (it's 10.30pm in the UK here and I'm going for an early night - I'm sure with a bit of thought I'd have come up with a better set of words!).
The hardest thing is the initial stages of detachment. When I went through it, I was constantly worrying about what my XW was thinking, saying. But I realise I can't mind-read, so I forced myself to stop doing that. You will suddenly find yourself in a position where you haven't thought about them for almost a day. But you don't feel guilty. You don't hate them. You don't crave them. You just carry on with your life.
Steve's mantra of "no expectations" is right. Put the expectation on yourself...to have a good time. Maybe you let a hobby slip by the wayside, or you always wanted to take up a new one but didn't have the time/were afraid of starting it. Go places alone (bearing in mind any current Covid restrictions of course!). Exercise. Look after yourself. Sleep. Get a grooming routine going to improve confidence. Act confident; walk tall and slow. It genuinely works. I was a timid meek guy with NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome). Very weak emotionally, poor body image etc. My D went through 3 months ago. I lost a W and a house. And you know what? My XW could be still mouthing off to all her friends about how happy she is and justifying her actions with a long list of things I did that annoyed her...but that doesn't affect me anymore. I just get on with my stuff. You can achieve a lot in this period. It is very hard to believe that, but you must trust the people on here.
I'd recommend the validation and boundaries thread and definitely the Lighthouse story (all links on Cadet's reponse below your first post). This was very useful for me to understand. The lighthouse does not come to the ships. The ships come to the lighthouse. Be the lighthouse.
I have been re-reading the responses and the other suggested links. I know I have a way to go still because I got an email from my lawyer and immediately felt the panic in my gut. I took a breath, then opened and read it. I need to work on that. The good news is that I got past it pretty quickly. A couple months ago that was taking me a couple days everytime anything related to the divorce happened.
She did not see the kids for the first few weeks. Then they started staying with her 2 days. After a couple weeks of that we are now doing 50/50. They are not happy about it and each time they go they let me know that they don't want to. They haven't told me any details about the times they have been there. They basically said they just would rather spend more time at home. I guess that is probably normal for kids in this situation.
I have gone out only a little so far due to the Covid-19 situation. But I have been talking to IC, journaling, exercising daily, reading self help things, spending time with the kids, doing stuff around the house, things like that. I spent a bit rearranging and replacing missing furniture. The kids went to stay with her last night and won't be back until Monday so I have all weekend to myself. I don't have any specific plans yet but I will definitely have time.
I am very close to finishing DR. It arrived Thursday evening and I have been reading it. Also still reading things here on the site. I can definitely relate to a lot of things. I have been trying to think of a good 180/GAL activity, something new that would work well in the current Covid-19 environment.
I did work on GAL this weekend. Spent a few hours out riding my motorcycle, spent Saturday afternoon and evening by the pool at a friends house (weather was awesome), kept up exercise and journaling, watched a movie, did a lot of yard work. The thing is that even doing this stuff and even when having fun I am still thinking about her a lot. I just keep refocusing my thoughts to whatever am doing.
A few emails from W about the kids this weekend. They were very informational and nothing else, not any name calling or putdowns recently. I replied to 1 that asked a direct question about S15 and I answered the question only, otherwise I just read and filed them. This is pretty much what I have been doing since she left.
IC today after work and the kids will be back home this evening.
W came over about an hour ago without asking me or even letting me know. First time she has done that, usually she emails and asks. She did tell S17 that his headphones came in the mail today and she would drop them off. So, I did have a 10 minute notice from him. She also asked him to get her mail. When she came by I was out back grilling so she was at the front door for a few minutes before I noticed and opened it. Both of the boys didn't hear her knocking.
This is the conversation the best I can remember it.
Me: Hi.
Her: (hanging up phone) I was just calling him. (Hands me headphones).
Me: I was out back. Here is your mail.(Hand her mail)
Her: There should have been a big package.
Me: That is all I got.
Her: It said it was delivered.
Me: I don't know, those are the only ones that I have.
Her: Okay. (Turns to start walking away)
Me: See you later.
Her: Bye. (as walking away)
So, Good? Bad? Mistakes? This is the most interaction we have had in awhile.
As for me, I have been about the same. Keeping up with the same things as planned, exercise, journaling, reading, and time with kids. I have been riding my motorcycle quite a bit, everyday that is nice out. Getting things done around the house. And I have been trying different recipes for dinners and baking desserts when the kids are here. I also started using a mindfulness app each day. It has only been a couple days so far, but I plan to keep that up and see how it goes.
My MIL stopped by the other day for lunch. So it was her, the kids, and me. I was working so she was only here for my lunch break. We caught up a little, didn't talk much about W but she did ask me a couple questions. She hasn't spoken to W in about 1.5 years, by W's choice, so I don't think it was a recon mission or anything. She just hadn't seen the kids since covid started.
I still have been trying to think of another GAL activity that would be also a 180 for me that I am interested in. At the moment though all the ideas I have had are completely blocked by Covid. Although, as I typed that, I just realized that all the cooking and baking is new. I rarely cooked, other than grilling. I used to bake a lot when the kids were little, but I haven't in like 10 years. I will still keep my mind open for other things though.
W had the boys this weekend. They came home early Sunday for Father's Day. My dad came over also and us guys grilled some burgers and had a great time hanging out. It was a really good day.
Saturday did not go so well. I was doing my own thing, spent all morning doing yard work, got a shower, was eating lunch and getting ready for the rest of the day. W brought S15 by to pickup something. I noticed the obvious when I let him in the front door, she was driving a shiny new red mustang convertible, which I ignored. He came in, grabbed the stuff he wanted and left. It didn't take that long really, but after a few minutes she came to the door and asked me about a custody schedule change. No big deal or anything, probably a 30 second conversation, then went back to wait in the car. A couple minutes later S15 was done and they left.
I handled the conversation well and didn't say anything about it to either of them. Was all good, upbeat, positive. When they left I totally let it get to me. Tons of spinning through how, what, why, meaning, etc. I let it ruin my afternoon and it took me until later that night to get ahold of myself. I thought I was doing a lot better these past couple weeks. Most of the time I am but I still have these moments when I let it get to me. I am just glad that I was able to keep control of myself until I was alone at least. But also mad at myself for wasting a bunch of my Saturday worrying.
Off to workout now, then IC today.
Andy,
I liked your 6/14 update, good stuff there.
As for the custody schedule change, it's really hard to say what exactly she is thinking and that's why it is advised to not mind read and to detach. But it seems like you did that anyways.
You are doing pretty well all things considered and I would keep adding GAL like you are thinking about doing.
Don't worry about wasting too much time on Saturday, just learn and move on!
It has been awhile since my last post. Not a lot was happening, everything pretty much the same. I continue all the same things I mentioned before, GAL, 180, etc. And that has been going well. The only thing is that even if I am having fun doing something, with the kids, with friends or family, or whatever, I still think about her. It is a constant in my mind I have to actively stop.
I haven't talked to W in that time. There were a couple emails I replied to related to the kids that asked direct questions, the rest I don't reply to. It seems about once a week lately.
I haven't reached out, she only emails. So same approach there.
I do have two updates. First we had court for PDL. Which is basically her asking for more money and that what I was giving wasn't enough. We were both there on opposite sides of the room. Neither of us spoke or looked at each other. The lawyers handled everything. It did not go well for me. She didn't get everything she asked for but she got a lot more than I can give. It looks very very bleak. I have no idea yet what I am going to do.
Also, her family is having a family reunion in a few weeks and MIL wants me to bring the kids. W has not been around her family for a few years. I take the kids and go to all the holidays and bday parties normally. W hasn't seen or communicated with them in a long time. Still it will be a little weird to go. This is the first gathering since this situation started.