Link to previous thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2895990#Post2895990As I roll into part 14... my dishwasher is being installed!!!!!
Happy Sparkly Girl!!!
Hi KC,
I’ve been thinking about ya a lot lately and following your sitch. I’m glad you are having a great day! Don’t let the phone calls and texts get to ya! And I’m well aware easier said than done. But you have come along way and you should be proud of that!
Relief ---- the house is cool... finally.
And, I'm washing dishes in my new dishwasher!
I feel like a superstar!
I'm forgiving myself for following up with the puppy. H works nights
1am
Me: did puppy eat last night?
H: Yes he ate more
1hr later
H: We're going back out to the farm tomorrow. I'll see how he does.
H: Is a raw egg good for him?
1hr later
Me: No
H: ok
Me: Glad he is better
H: I think most of it was stress
H: like I said he hasn't left my side
3hr later
Me: We miss him here. But, I'm glad he is bonding with you. He is a good dog (<<<THIS TOTAL FAILURE ON MY PART)
For starters I probably should have 100% waited for H to follow up with me about the puppy. But, this is what I do. Don't think for one minute I haven't been up thinking about a patient at 3am... happens a lot. For critical ill patients I've actually been up at 1am and 3am to drive into the office to check on them - we are not 24hr. I return 80% of client questions/concerns personally. So this is in the realm of what I do for other patients.
However, I will admit that 50% of this reach out was not out of pure concern the puppy.
And, it clearly went on longer than it should. I totally should have never put the comment about missing the puppy because we ALL know that was me saying "I miss you".
Regardless I am glad the puppy is bonding with him. My H is a good person who did a very bad thing. Whatever happens in our future this puppy will help heal the pain in his heart. One of the biggest reasons I let that puppy go is that he has a purpose to serve. This puppy not leaving his side ---- is giving my H unconditional love. Something for whatever reason he was not feeling from me. And, I think it is helping my H feel better. With me or without me... my H will be fine and I will be fine.
Me: We miss him here. But, I'm glad he is bonding with you. He is a good dog (<<<THIS TOTAL FAILURE ON MY PART)
Right from the post you read over and over:
Everything you do right now is going to make him either more resentful, or less resentful.
If you increase his guilt, by blaming, shaming, or making her responsible for your emotional state, he's going to resent you more.
If you pursue him, argue with her, or try to convince him to work with you on the marriage, he's going to resent you for not letting him go and not giving him the space he wants.
If you immediately address all her historic complaints, he's going to resent the fact that you didn't do it sooner, and things had to get this bad for you to take action.
If you give him space, it’s going to make him less resentful.
If you live your own life, and are happy and joyful for your own sake, it’s going to make him less resentful.
If you are respectful in your communications with him, but not intimate, it’s going to make him less resentful.
*Eventually* he will burn through that big pile of resentment.
*Eventually* he will process his anger at you and it will dissipate.
UNTIL he goes through both of those processes, he will not see you as anything other than he believes you to be based on his prior training.
INCREASING HIS GUILT BY TELLING HIM YOU MISS HIM MAKES HIM MORE RESENTFUL!
KC, you admit that 50% or more was more about engaging with him rather than following up on the puppy.
SO..........
2x4:
I see a pattern with you. You get all up on Sparkly Girl. On finding your mojo. On going dark.
Then you give in and reach out and engage.
You then admit it was wrong, and followup with all kinds of rationalizations, excuses, and reasoning as to why it wasn't as bad of a slip-up as it was. "I would be like this with anyone." "I am a follower upper on my patients." Etc......
Do you remember the rules of engagement for NC? If so can you repeat them back to me?
BIGGER 2x$: "My H is a good person who did a very bad thing."
HUH?!?!? People are not separate from their actions. People are defined BY THEIR ACTIONS. A good person doesn't do very bad things. That doesn't mean they are mistake free. But it just makes no sense to say: "He did a really bad thing......but he is a good person!" Makes no sense at all.
"He is a good employee, he only stole from us once."
"He is a good husband, he only punched me in the face one time!"
"They are a good kid, they've only been arrested and charged with a felony once."
Said no one ever.
KC, one last thing. You are 14 threads and several months in, and despite all of the advice and all of the learning, you are still making the same mistakes. I really really think you could benefit from hiring a DB coach and/or getting into IC. I do not see you properly healing and moving forward without that. I think you are a bit of a denier of reality. Thus statements like: "He is a good person that did a bad thing." This denies the truth that he is a liar and a cheater. About the worse thing a spouse can be. This denies that he has done MANY bad things, not just one. He is like David in his affair with Bathsheeba, and all of the bad things he did following that affair. Doing a BAD THING leads to many other bad things. If you don't believe me, ask your S18.
So stop trying to redeem the irredeemable. There may come a day when through proper remorse and committing to the work he needs to do to make a series of 180s, he can become redeemable. But you don't forgive someone that is actively committing the sin. You move on and past it.......and I don't see you doing that without help.
1am
Me: did puppy eat last night?
H: Yes he ate more
1hr later
H: We're going back out to the farm tomorrow. I'll see how he does.
H: Is a raw egg good for him?
1hr later (3 AM???????????)
Me: No
H: ok
Me: Glad he is better
H: I think most of it was stress
H: like I said he hasn't left my side
3hr later (6 AM???????????)
Me: We miss him here. But, I'm glad he is bonding with you. He is a good dog (<<<THIS TOTAL FAILURE ON MY PART)
The whole thing was a failure on your part. You've got to dig down deep and be stronger KC!! You keep following your heart and your instincts but they are wrong. You never should have texted him at 1am to begin with. And then again at 3AM, and 6AM!!!! WOW! That is so needy and desperate that it makes me feel all oogie.
Then you give in and reach out and engage.
You then admit it was wrong, and followup with all kinds of rationalizations, excuses, and reasoning as to why it wasn't as bad of a slip-up as it was. "I would be like this with anyone." "I am a follower upper on my patients." Etc......
Steve is right, your rationalization hamster is running on overdrive all the time!
He's also right about your H being a bad person. He may have been good before but he's gone wayward and he's got to go on a journey to resolve that, a journey he may never even begin. You can't help him, and you shouldn't even want him back the way he is right now. For all intents and purposes, it's like your old H has passed away. You're clinging to someone that looks like him, but it's not him. Will your old H ever return? Who knows. My XW never did go all the way back to "pre-BD normal". She went maybe halfway back. And even that took years.
Wow...
Got it!
You are right. I should have never engaged.
I'm making all kinds of excuses. You're right its because I miss my H - who he used to be with me, but he is not that person. At least not with me anymore.
70% of the time I'm just fine... that 30% is kicking my butt.
I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark.
Got the message loud and clear. Do not contact this man under any circumstance.
Not only do not contact him, but do not respond.
Remember the rules of NC. Never initiate contact. When he does, do not answer the phone. Do not answer informational texts. If he asks a direct question, take your time answering. Then answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
To LH point. The more business like you answer his questions the more resentment he'll burn off.
So I woke up this morning taking accountability for how I set myself back - in a minor slump today. That and the fact I hate the weekends anymore.
Work is very busy and for that I am grateful.
I'm making a list of things I NEED to do this weekend and a list of things I WANT to do this weekend. I'm going to really stay busy. Gosh this C-19 thing is killing me though as I would love to get out of town!!!!
I've gotten closer again to my male bff of 40yrs. We chat daily again. If they ever open the borders again he will take me sailing on his yacht!
In the meantime we are discussing getting some symbolic matching tatoos... which is soooooo unlike me. I have never had a desire for a tatoo... I don't care for them. If its your thing... fantastic! But, never ever been my thing. EVER. But, maybe its time for a small one with strong meaning. IDK... there is still plenty of time to change my mind as bff and I live several states away.
Praying for peace....
Peace and Love!
The state bordering ours (we live 15 minutes from the border) has reopened restaurants. We are going out to eat for the first time since early March! Can't wait.
Oh and on tattoos. Everyone comes to regret them eventually. I know the tattoo I have from my youth is something I wish I could undo.
Oh and on tattoos. Everyone comes to regret them eventually. I know the tattoo I have from my youth is something I wish I could undo.
If I do go through with it... it will be like 1/2-1" max... very tiny!!!! And there will probably need to be some alcohol involved.
I'm really close to my male bff... for 40yr. Our high school English teacher was crushed when she found out we weren't dating... LOL... she gave us nicknames that we still use to this day with each other. :-)
When we were both married to other people we really slacked off on our closeness out of respect to our spouses. But his W passed away 4 year ago and well we ALL know that state of my M.
Its so good to reconnect. We are making hypothetical future plans of sailing the seas together when we retire.
. The only bad part is that we are separated by several states. Hopefully this summer he will come home for a visit and I can go there for a visit.
Enjoy your dinner out this weekend!!! Restaurants here can be open at 50% capacity so I dined out last weekend with female bff!!! It was so nice... I'm not big on going out to eat but when you can't for so long you really miss it!
I'm really close to my male bff... for 40yr. Our high school English teacher was crushed when she found out we weren't dating... LOL... she gave us nicknames that we still use to this day with each other. :-)
Hi KitCat,
Take care if you're considering going down the rebound path. If you're going to do it, do it with your eyes open--not "falling" into it after too many beers on the high seas.
Research shows rebounds help you move on. They also can hurt people, cost that friendship, and complicate chances of reconciliation. Any relationship you dive into while still having so many ex feelings will most likely end up a rebound.
Oh and on tattoos. Everyone comes to regret them eventually. I know the tattoo I have from my youth is something I wish I could undo.
Oh and on tattoos. Everyone comes to regret them eventually. I know the tattoo I have from my youth is something I wish I could undo.
I’ve never regretted mine. And I got my first at 15. Still love it!
I'm really close to my male bff... for 40yr. Our high school English teacher was crushed when she found out we weren't dating... LOL... she gave us nicknames that we still use to this day with each other. :-)
When we were both married to other people we really slacked off on our closeness out of respect to our spouses. But his W passed away 4 year ago and well we ALL know that state of my M.
Perfectly fine to have a male friend. Just be careful not to jump into a rebound R! Glad to see you posting more about YOU and less about H
I’ve never regretted mine. And I got my first at 15. Still love it!
I didn't get my first until after BD 9 years ago, but same here, I love my ink! I would be completely covered if I could afford it. Zero regrets. I think even bad tattoos are interesting and tell a story. One of the Inkmaster judges (Oliver Peck) is very vocal about his love for bad tattoos!
I'm really close to my male bff... for 40yr. Our high school English teacher was crushed when she found out we weren't dating... LOL... she gave us nicknames that we still use to this day with each other. :-)
Hi KitCat,
Take care if you're considering going down the rebound path. If you're going to do it, do it with your eyes open--not "falling" into it after too many beers on the high seas.
Research shows rebounds help you move on. They also can hurt people, cost that friendship, and complicate chances of reconciliation. Any relationship you dive into while still having so many ex feelings will most likely end up a rebound.
No Worries CW!!!
Male bff and I have been platonic for 40yr... that isn't going to change. Don't get me wrong we absolutely adore and love each other but more like family. :-)
We each still wear our wedding rings.
No rebound here.... or there... or anywhere.... LOL!
I just need to break out of my house and routine and so I can continue to focus on myself.
I just need to break out of my house and routine and so I can continue to focus on myself.
That's fantastic! Sailing the high seas sounds like a wonderful goal. I listen intently when people tell me about braving rough seas between Hawaii and California, or spending a year bouncing between foreign ports.
Not much coronavirus risk as a duo on the ocean.
I just need to break out of my house and routine and so I can continue to focus on myself.
That's fantastic! Sailing the high seas sounds like a wonderful goal. I listen intently when people tell me about braving rough seas between Hawaii and California, or spending a year bouncing between foreign ports.
Not much coronavirus risk as a duo on the ocean.
Well - first they have to open the borders again... Friend's boat is docked in Mexico...
Male bff is definitely selling the dream. I suggested we should be pirates!!!! LMAO.
Kit — I’m also really happy to see some of the narrative shift to you. I would jump in an instant to sail around the world right now with a good friend. My job is very telework friendly and I think it would be a nice decompression. If you ever get the opportunity, I’d think about it a lot before saying no. Stay strong and focused on you. Have you thought about doing IC? I started doing it when the mini bomb dropped and it’s helped a lot. It’s not a fix all, but it is one tool among many that has given me some comfort and help during this.
Thank you to every one who has been wanting the best for me.
I've been working very hard... paying some things forward. Relaxing. Picked up a series again that I had been watching. Knitting. Nearly finished with a sweater.
Watching some NC motivational videos. Texting friends but they each passed out early tonight.
It's been hard tonight. I won't lie my biggest motivation for not breaking NC is I dont want to send a text during a time when they are together... that would be embarrassing and very humiliating...
But I stuck to it... because I'm determined to make it to the other side.
Thanks for hanging in there with me
Good job on the NC. One step at a time. NC for one day, then two day, then three days, etc...until you no longer think about it, because you're living you're awesome life. You got this.
KK,
NC motivational videos sounds manipulative me. I can't stress this enough that you can not manipulate him back to you.
Please concentrate your growth on things that will make your life better.
Sparkly girl is nobody's plan B.
KK,
NC motivational videos sounds manipulative me. I can't stress this enough that you can not manipulate him back to you.
Please concentrate your growth on things that will make your life better.
Sparkly girl is nobody's plan B.
These are not the ones that state - go NC for 30 days and then break the ice....
These are not manipulative --- they discuss why would you want someone who walked out on you. They reiterate to not chase or beg, etc. That contacting them and getting them to respond is just because they feel bad for you and not that they respect you. They reinforce that you are a high value person. That you set your value. If and when they ever reach out to you its because they are understanding your worth and value to them.
They really help me to stay... NOPE not, today... I'm not giving in today... I'm worth more than his pity.
I don't know why the weekends are so much harder than the week. I guess part of me sees it as so much wasted time - we could have been doing this or that, etc. I know I know I know... its not wasted. I've been given the gift of time. I was single the first 40yr of my life. I know what to do with time. I literally didn't think I would ever get married and I certainly didn't think I would serial date him... let alone marry him. But, that's how it happens right - the one person you didn't think you would fall for you did! Any way I digress... in a big way.
Today ---- I will work a 6hr shift. I will save a life. I will help end a life. I will make someone feel better about the hard choices they have to make. I will go home. I will clean something... I will do some paperwork. I will take the dog to the state park in the next town over and go for a 3mi walk. I will finish the sweater I'm nearly done knitting - at the same time continue watching the netflix series I started. I will find my self respect again --- and then in that others will be in awe.
No!
“Not OTHERS will be in awe”
“YOU will be in awe of YOURELF”
No!
“Not OTHERS will be in awe”
“YOU will be in awe of YOURELF”
Yeah, I think what I meant was ---- I will have respect in myself. I cannot expect others to respect me if I don't respect myself... It's early and no coffee this AM.
Kind of silent here. How is it going. I know you've struggle going NC, I am hoping the lack of posting doesn't indicate a relapse.
I won't lie - there were some exchanges.
But, I became very detatched the whole weekend. Annoyed that he would think I'm just that stupid... So I got to a point where I had no desire at ALL to text him or follow up his stupid text with anything... I let it sit there. I was so over him at that point. For the rest of the weekend. Just couldn't give a hoot.
And, then this morning after I went 36hr when he didn't hear from me he texted and accused me of snooping.
WTH?
I understand where this is coming from. I am a person that will find information - nothing that isn't out there like on a public site/information. My H even stated many times it was helpful when dealing with he XW, kids or family but most of the time I was just nosey.
I can see that I've earned that over the years. I probably was involved in things I probably should have just ignored and walked away from. I think at the time I was doing it with the best intentions of helping my H with his kids. But, as they say the road to XXXX is paved with good intentions.
I digress. Though its weird. When it comes this, my H and OW I have not snooped. Not once. Only information I knew is what landed directly in my lap... and then he confirmed with me before I had the locks changed. It was why the locks were changed.
So it was a real bug up my behind that he accused me of snooping.
I caved - "?snooping? haven't bothered." [of course now I wish I just would have ignored... I see what ignoring got me... I ignored his prior text so he escalated it.... yes, I'm face palming my own head]
That was followed with texts about medication for the puppy - today was the date. He was confused about what medication for today - even though I had dates clearly on the box???? WTH. So I then went over all of the puppy's medication again.
This just proves my own point that when he is here at my house and he doesn't make eye contact and doesn't smile and clearly doesn't listen to even directions about the puppy... I'm just white noise to him. That's it. And, he has moments of clarity which is why he throws out the offer of a bike ride in moment... but never follows up. It's why he asks if he needs to make me dog treats in the moment of our interactions... but never follows up. It's why he offered to leave me his prized mixer in the moment... but I didn't take it. Its like when we are together he starts to feel something and maybe its just guilt. But, out of sight out of mind???? Because there is no follow up.
So the rest of the morning was more about the puppy - he even stated he needed to get him some sticks and sent a video of the puppy playing with a toy today.
So he doesn't hear form me... he escalates the text to accuse me of something... and then all the banter about the puppy... I mean a lot of banter about the puppy... So he is suddenly over me thinking I'm stalking him???
I know this is all to keep me on the hook... that is what it is... I've reached a point of disinterest BIG TIME.
KK,
He makes up these reasons to contact you KK because he wants you back. Is that what you want to hear when you ask why he does these things with ???????????.
Looks like puppy is your connection and you will be on this roller coaster until you decide to get off. Every time you get on for a ride the clock goes back to zero and you start over.
We can lead a horse to water but we can't make him drink it.
If you want to reconcile, you're in a waiting game, and the only course of action that leads to reconciliation, IMO, is emotional distance and not actively trying to fix *anything* between you because that ship has sailed.
Do you know when you are 100% most likely to reconcile effectively?
When you no longer care if you do or not.
That's the honest and sad truth. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.
You walked right into his trap
When you ignore my posts, maybe I should accuse of you of snooping.................
KK,
He makes up these reasons to contact you KK because he wants you back. Is that what you want to hear when you ask why he does these things with ???????????.
Looks like puppy is your connection and you will be on this roller coaster until you decide to get off. Every time you get on for a ride the clock goes back to zero and you start over.
We can lead a horse to water but we can't make him drink it.
If you want to reconcile, you're in a waiting game, and the only course of action that leads to reconciliation, IMO, is emotional distance and not actively trying to fix *anything* between you because that ship has sailed.
Do you know when you are 100% most likely to reconcile effectively?
When you no longer care if you do or not.
That's the honest and sad truth. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.
KC, I wish I could sentence you to taking LH's post, chiseling it into stone, and then hanging it around your neck.
As I told you last week, you are caught in the cycle of: saying you are going NC, breaking the rules of NC, excusing and rationalizing away why you broke the rules of NC, and then realizing you are no further along in your sitch (because as LH says the clock resets), and then going back to the saying you are going NC.
He is a pet owner. 99.9999999999999999999999% of pet owners can manage pet ownership without a direct line to a vet or vet technician. Either he is a complete imbecile that cannot raise a puppy into adulthood without hand-holding, or he will be like the 99.9999999999999999% of pet owners and figure it out.
I know... I realized the minute I responded to his text and then he turned completely 180 and made it about the puppy that I fell for his trap.
I did great at ignoring him for 36hr... but being accused of spying when I did no such thing stung...
I'm so burnt out. I'm exhausted from feeling stupid for falling for his text this morning.
As for the puppy its not that he is an imbecile... its just it was our puppy... and for 3 months my sole responsibility. The video got me... right through the heart.
But, that's on me. I accept 100% of this and I have forgiven myself. And, I know that he is keeping me on a string. It is so very clear -- first he accuses me of something and then goes all soft about the puppy/our puppy.
WHATEVER.
I have a pair of really expensive and very sharp scissors and I'm cutting the string.
but being accused of spying when I did no such thing stung...
You are a bit of a right fighter, aren't you?
I'll say it again, I think you would do really well with some good IC.
but being accused of spying when I did no such thing stung...
You are a bit of a right fighter, aren't you?
I'll say it again, I think you would do really well with some good IC.
This is just a sore subject....
KC,
Do you want to be his friend? Sincerely asking if you are happy just being his friend and nothing else?
Are you scared if you stop responding he’ll forget about you? Are you afraid if you ignore him or go full NC he’ll oblige and you won’t ever hear from him again?
What exactly are you 100% afraid of?
KC,
Do you want to be his friend? Sincerely asking if you are happy just being his friend and nothing else?
Are you scared if you stop responding he’ll forget about you? Are you afraid if you ignore him or go full NC he’ll oblige and you won’t ever hear from him again?
What exactly are you 100% afraid of?
What am I afraid of?
The honest answer - that I am not special enough. That despite my lolling into some controlling behaviors over the years that there is no specialness that outshines that. I used to to love to tell OUR story. We had such a funny first date story - it was so special and even then I didn't think I'd ever want to date him a second time... but he pursued. It wasn't even anything I was looking for, yet there it was. So the story of 'us' at least my version is so special and sweet.
I honestly never thought he felt I was some goddess to him... not until the day he said he wanted to end it.
So I've honestly laid out my fear. I don't want to be judged for it.
No I will not be happy just being his friend. I'm kicking myself for what I fell for today. This weekend really pushed me on down the line to detachment. There is nothing there for me now. I certainly don't want to hear about how much he loves the OW or what their plans are.
KK,
How you're feeling is very common in human behavior. It goes back to your childhood where at some point you were made to feel that you weren't enough. This came to play in your relationship with your H which caused you to try to control him which probably was main contributor to the downfall of your marriage. It's sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. This in turn feeds your ego telling it "see you were right you are not enough". The ego always wants to be right.
This again is just another reason to look into IC to get to the root of the cause of the feeling. Certainly you are enough and are wonderful human being. You just have to convince your ego of it so you don't self sabotage the next relationship.
KK,
How you're feeling is very common in human behavior. It goes back to your childhood where at some point you were made to feel that you weren't enough. This came to play in your relationship with your H which caused you to try to control him which probably was main contributor to the downfall of your marriage. It's sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. This in turn feeds your ego telling it "see you were right you are not enough". The ego always wants to be right.
This again is just another reason to look into IC to get to the root of the cause of the feeling. Certainly you are enough and are wonderful human being. You just have to convince your ego of it so you don't self sabotage the next relationship.
It has nothing to do with my childhood.
I'm dealing with being rejected. I'm dealing with being by someone's side for 10yr through some of his really crappy stuff... and being left. That can make anyone not feel good enough for a period of time.
I also get that staying in contact with him is allowing him to reject me over and over again.
There is no point in continuing to stay in contact... I have to stop responding. There is nothing for me there. Seriously... he took the time to say "SHE lives in X Town".
Whatever A Hole...
KC,
I know how you feel, I do. I use to love the idea that we met at 20 and 17 and we were gonna grow old together and watch our great grand children play. Go through heck and back and be that couple everyone strived to be. Always together forever. Our first date was at Friendly. She was so nervous she didn’t eat anything and than I come to later find out she gobbled it all up the moment I dropped her off. So many happy memories and good times. Heck I’ve heard several times through my marriage if you guys can’t make it no one can.
The issue I see, and the good lord knows I’m guilty of it myself, is you are finding your self worth in someone else. You rely on him to make you feel special. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are a human being who makes/made mistakes. We all are. But here’s what I would challenge you to do. Find your self worth in yourself. Make yourself happy. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. And do it with the mind frame this will make me happy. Not this will make the H wish he was here. Not with the mind frame this will make the H jealous or want me. That person is in there. She’s just waiting to come out.
There are no guarantees in life. No one gets married thinking they’ll get divorced. However it does happen. (Heck my W “doesn’t believe in divorce”). It takes 2 to get married. It takes 1 to end it. Your relationship as you know it, as you want it is over. There’s nothing you can do to change that. Accept that, because the moment you do you’ll be able to move forward. Now the positive spin, it doesn’t mean 6 months down the road, maybe a year, maybe 2 you can’t have a new relationship with your H. It doesn’t mean you can’t start over. But that’s not going to happen until he at least respects you and believes the changes in you are real and permanent. By than, you may have found out that you don’t want him back, and you may find that you believe him to be the fool for ever leaving.
You hang in there, find your happiness.
KK,
You admitted to being controlling in the marriage. You try to control someone when you fear your not enough. I guarantee this goes back in to childhood.
KK,
How you're feeling is very common in human behavior. It goes back to your childhood where at some point you were made to feel that you weren't enough. This came to play in your relationship with your H which caused you to try to control him which probably was main contributor to the downfall of your marriage. It's sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. This in turn feeds your ego telling it "see you were right you are not enough". The ego always wants to be right.
This again is just another reason to look into IC to get to the root of the cause of the feeling. Certainly you are enough and are wonderful human being. You just have to convince your ego of it so you don't self sabotage the next relationship.
It has nothing to do with my childhood.
I'm dealing with being rejected. I'm dealing with being by someone's side for 10yr through some of his really crappy stuff... and being left. That can make anyone not feel good enough for a period of time.
Yes it can. However, it can also make you feel not good enough......ever again. Unless you deal with it. I get the impression you DB because you want to fix your relationship. Not because it can fix you. You go NC hoping to engender some change in him, instead of going NC to empower yourself to be able to move on.
I see a KC that is stuck. And unless she does something to unstuck herself in 10 years she will be sitting around hoping he will finally find her special again.
I've told countless people this before, but over-attachment is extremely dangerous because we live in an imperfect world. People cheat. They leave. They decide they aren't happy married to you so they D you to marry someone else. They also get sick, get infirmed get injured and, they die. Over attachment is never healthy because you aren't guaranteed anything in this life. I love my W. I would miss her terribly if something were to happen to her. But I would move on because if my sitches have taught me anything they have taught me that I have to be healthy and happy inside before I can be healthy and happy with anyone else. And in an imperfect world where people can go away for a myriad of reasons, I can be healthy and happy by myself!
it scares me to see you caught in the cycle. To see you give up on your core values (like cheating being a 100% deal-breaker), to see you doing everything you do with one eye over your shoulder to see if he is paying attention. I also see you wanting to be right. Who really cares if he thought you were snooping? So what. The fact that it caused you to react proves that you are still attached. I see you avoid certain things you don't like to face. People will spend an entire post touching on several subjects, and you pick and choose the ones you want to acknowledge and respond to. None of us are perfect, and no one expects you to be! But the one thing that we all eventually come to in these journeys through marital break-ups or reconciliations is looking at our own faults realistically, honestly, and striving to be better.
I don't know you except for the few thousands of words we have exchanged on this forum. But I do detect some tendencies. These tendencies do not mean you are a bad person. Not in the least. But they do cause me to worry that you will never be able to move past this lying cheater that has emotionally abused you (I don't say that lightly) for several months now. That you will be stuck for a long period of time hoping he eventually comes back around. Instead of realizing your own value!! That he isn't good enough for you. And that it doesn't matter if Kitcat is special to him as long as Kitcat is special to Kitcat.
KC,
What is it going to take to get you to step off the merry-go-round of contact/no contact/contact/no contact? The more contact you have w/him the more you question why he says or does the things he's doing. You took his bait this time because you were silent, he then accused you of snooping. I would have ignored the text and let him think whatever he wanted to think. He will not miss you until you've dropped the rope and let him go. Right now, he's thinking that you are going to be right where he wants you at all times. You were FIRED as his wife!!! You do not need to be his mother and yes, he can take care of the pup on his own. Right now, the pup is going to be used as an excuse to contact you....unless it is an absolute emergency, and I do mean an emergency...stop the contact!
You have to be the one to take that leap of faith and be strong here. Stop the contact, live your life as if he may never return and above all else....keep that focus on you and your son. This man has entirely too much space in your head and it's time to step off that merry-go-round.
KK,
You admitted to being controlling in the marriage. You try to control someone when you fear your not enough. I guarantee this goes back in to childhood.
Its complicated - bottom line my intentions were always the best... I did not see the message it sent to my H.
In the beginning before we were even married he just added me to all his accounts.. ... ALL OF THEM including his 401k. I took care of the finances 100%.
It made me feel a little awkward when he would tell people to get $20 from me for the family raffle or tell his mother to ask me because I handled all the money. But, I continued to do it. Yes, we discussed yearly goals each year and made a list together but where the money went and what bills were paid and what was left was 100% my responsibility.
At some point he got angry with this. Told me to take my name off all his accounts... it blindsided me and I internalized that he was insinuating I had not done a good job. It hurt because frankly we had 'toys' and $$$$ bank.
I tried to integrate having him more involved so it would be more 50/50 but he was just angry I think that he let me have control.
NOW - as far as childhoods... In my house my mother managed the finances with both my father and now for years with my step father. In my H's household his parents each have their own money and neither knows what the other has (which in my book seems freaking nuts when his mother would have to go to his dad to 'borrow' money)
Somehow something snapped in my H and he feels what his parents have is normal and that my family is weird and of course my family feels what his family does is weird.
We should have found a good middle ground before he snapped. He felt I controlled the money - despite that is how he set it up. He just felt that if he wanted a new truck he should know if he could afford a new truck and not ask me.
Ultimately the constant rejection/neglect he felt from me built up enough resentment that he could no longer tolerate all the things he felt he tolerated before ---- if, and I know this with 100% certainty if, he had not felt constant rejection from me but instead felt accepted and shown the physical affection he craves he would have tolerated the finances staying as they were.
I just didn't want to go down this road again --- this has been played out too many times.
I have to stop the contact. I have to step away and move forward with my own life. I hope he wants to catch up with me at some point. But, I cannot sit on the sidelines waiting.
Ok - Joe asked a question - what was my fear.
I simply and honestly stated my fear.
Is my fear true???? OR is it just a fear? Like when you are 5 and have a fear of monsters under your bed.
I will NOT be judged for being honest about my fear.
I will NOT be judged for not working on myself. I have sat and done countless hours looking inward. I've made many a self discovery and have made some big changes moving forward. I've participated in groups. My male bff says he can tell I'm doing the work.
I'm an introvert. My H is an extrovert. I love that he is the life of the party. So it could easily be that part of what I am missing with my H is that he does things that I cannot do easily.
Just because I was honest about my fear. Doesn't mean that I see it doesn't make sense. I'm also afraid of heights... but I got my butt up in a plane and went skydiving for my 40th. Did I die???? NOPE, still scared to death of heights.
Just because one guy forgot how special I am does not meant he rest of the world has - I know this. But I'm sure 1/2 the people on this board have things they are afraid - spiders, snakes, etc. I'm working my way through this fear which I know is not rationale.
I got sucked into to responding to a text. I'm over it.
Frankly I'm just over this whole thing.
So actually be over it and quit responding . You guys play a very unhealthy game.
Quit the game
Hey KC.
Of course we all have fears! Snakes for me is the weird one for me. Something very unnatural about something that can move that fast without legs. Lol always gets me. Airplanes too. I mean if my car breaks down I pull over. If the airplanes breaks down I die. That’s a good irrational fear. But I meant what fears are you having that’s stopping you from going NC.
I’ll share mine. They were I was afraid my W would forget me. If I kept in contact how could she right? Maybe she’d be to scared to tell me she still loved me and wanted to fix things, but if I wasn’t in contact how could that happen? Maybe if we just talked a little more she would remember how much she loved me and maybe just maybe I could get her to forget the OM and come home. And heck if we could be friends than I’d have an excuse to talk to her all the time whenever I wanted and I could get her to fall in love with me again. I was also scared I’d never find love again. Real honest marital love. A lifetime of loneliness is a terrifying prospect.
None of that is realistic though. Because I didn’t have her respect, as a man or husband. And I haven’t for obviously a while.
Going NC will help you see these fears are unfounded, will help you start to detach and will help you move forward as a confident woman.
I hope you get something out of this. Maybe you can see a little of yourself in this post.
Hey KC.
Of course we all have fears! Snakes for me is the weird one for me. Something very unnatural about something that can move that fast without legs. Lol always gets me. Airplanes too. I mean if my car breaks down I pull over. If the airplanes breaks down I die. That’s a good irrational fear. But I meant what fears are you having that’s stopping you from going NC.
I’ll share mine. They were I was afraid my W would forget me. If I kept in contact how could she right? Maybe she’d be to scared to tell me she still loved me and wanted to fix things, but if I wasn’t in contact how could that happen? Maybe if we just talked a little more she would remember how much she loved me and maybe just maybe I could get her to forget the OM and come home. And heck if we could be friends than I’d have an excuse to talk to her all the time whenever I wanted and I could get her to fall in love with me again. I was also scared I’d never find love again. Real honest marital love. A lifetime of loneliness is a terrifying prospect.
None of that is realistic though. Because I didn’t have her respect, as a man or husband. And I haven’t for obviously a while.
Going NC will help you see these fears are unfounded, will help you start to detach and will help you move forward as a confident woman.
I hope you get something out of this. Maybe you can see a little of yourself in this post.
I worked really hard at NC and I had a slip up - his response annoyed me enough that I refused to respond. When that happened he upped the ante' and pushed a hot button.
Once I responded - he was all about the chattiness.
I will not accept a friendship. I will not accept him while he is with someone else. What will I accept? I don't know. But, all I can do right now is stop interacting with him. He has to figure out what he wants. I have to figure out what my boundaries are.
I'm tired of breadcrumbs. I deserve so much better.
KC
I’m not trying to be rude, but there is always a slip up. And I understand I do, but you’ve gotta stop them. I got my button pushed too, but once I responded I didn’t get caught up in the chattiness. He pushed the button he had to, to get a reaction out of you. And it worked and it worked because you allowed it too.
Stop allowing it!! You can do it!!
And I’m glad you realize you deserve better than the bread crumbs. But I can tell you from experience they won’t stop until you stop accepting them.
Hugs
KK, I’m going to be kind of tough on you because you need a dose of reality.
You repeat the same cycle:
A day or 2 of NC, you say you have a “slip up” and you are done with breadcrumbs, then you rinse and repeat. You do know the definition of insanity is doing the same over again and expecting a different result, right?
This cycle is going to continue until YOU can break it. You can’t be sucked in anymore. You hve got to sand strong.
Else you will keep on the hamster wheel.
No one likes rejection. Rejection hurts our ego. And I can see you just wanting him not to reject you and chose you chose you! I think we have been there. But it hasn’t gotten any of us good results . And I see it time and time again on here , it’s more about the ego and the rejection wanting to get the ex back, rather than repairing the marriage. I remember dating a guy post divorce and when we broke up, all I wanted him to do was say he made a mistake. And it wasn’t even about me wanting to be with him anymore. I just wanted him to chose me so my ego can heal.
And that never ends up good either.
You need to be the one to stop this
I’m new. I’ve yet to post my story, as it’s so new and painful it’s hard to write it down.
I just wanted to say kitcat I know how you are feeling. I’m crushed but I know I will survive. I’m a very strong woman and it’s who I am. I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I know it’s hard not to have contact and just wish they’d get their head out of their ass, but they haven’t (yet).....and honestly I’m not sure my dipshit H ever will. I guess it just means he’s not the person I just spent 10 plus years with. The person he is now is disgusting and pathetic. I don’t love that person. I love the person I fell in love with....and it’s not him anymore.
I have no idea If this is allowed, but I have flight benefits and I’d like to fly to meet you just to give you a no touching hug. Cuz I can. Cuz maybe I need one also. My heart breaks for you and I’m sorry (we’re) all going through this [censored].
xo
KK, I’m going to be kind of tough on you because you need a dose of reality.
You repeat the same cycle:
A day or 2 of NC, you say you have a “slip up” and you are done with breadcrumbs, then you rinse and repeat. You do know the definition of insanity is doing the same over again and expecting a different result, right?
This cycle is going to continue until YOU can break it. You can’t be sucked in anymore. You hve got to sand strong.
Else you will keep on the hamster wheel.
No one likes rejection. Rejection hurts our ego. And I can see you just wanting him not to reject you and chose you chose you! I think we have been there. But it hasn’t gotten any of us good results . And I see it time and time again on here , it’s more about the ego and the rejection wanting to get the ex back, rather than repairing the marriage. I remember dating a guy post divorce and when we broke up, all I wanted him to do was say he made a mistake. And it wasn’t even about me wanting to be with him anymore. I just wanted him to chose me so my ego can heal.
And that never ends up good either.
You need to be the one to stop this
I know its up to me to take a stand - to make this stop.
I have accepted his rejection of me.
I do want to repair my marriage. I got stuck in my own headspace not realizing the damage it did to my H. I'm taking the steps to work on myself and why I got stuck and pulled away from my H.
That's all I can do. Focus on myself and fix what I let go in me.
Whether on not he sees that - I cannot control. Whether he sees it and its all too little too late... well again I cannot control that.
I see very clearly today that he keeps me on a string... I'm cutting that string today.
He can have her. I will NOT share my H with another woman. I will not compete with another woman.
What am I afraid of?
The honest answer - that I am not special enough..
KK if everyone on the board were honest they would say the same thing. If everyone thought they were special and had no fear of the future there wouldn't be a forum because no one would put up with the treatment of a WW spouse. Unfortunately many the issues that arise in the marriage are due to these deep rooted issues. Throw in the fact the brain is hard wire to fear rejection because thousands of years ago if your were rejected from the tribe your life was likely to end. It will take some time but you will realize you are worth more. You are just going to have to touch the stove many times until you realize it is hot and you will get burned.
We’re rooting for ya Kitcat. You aren’t alone!
UGHHGHGHGHGHHGHG
H just texted
H: Do you know the recipe for that rum drink from Costa Rica
First off 1) that was OUR special VACA - and it was all 1st class and amazing!!! 2) That was OUR special drink from OUR special night.
No way are you sharing that with that TWIT. Holy CRAP he knew that was going to sting because just last weekend I made mention that I loved that sugar cane rum from Costa Rica and it is NOT available in the states and its nearly gone.
OKAY - NOT RESPONDING.
But, that was a low blow on his part. He can google the damn thing.
I agree that is a low blow. I can tell you that it takes awhile for them to catch on. The problem is that you having him thinking you guys are buddies so he’s just going with the flow.
Might be time for a boundary.
Yay! KC goes NC again. We're in your corner and rooting for you. I hope you processed the "snooping" and "puppy" exchanges well enough to learn how to refrain from or delay responding next time.
Holy CRAP he knew that was going to sting
The problem is that you having him thinking you guys are buddies so he’s just going with the flow.
Might be time for a boundary.
Yes, his goal may not have been a "low blow". You've sent mixed signals as to whether you'll accept being friends or not--e.g., the way you keep chit-chatting with him after brief periods of NC. I get you do not want to be friends, and maintaining NC with him even if he escalates will send that message clearly.
This reminds me of an ex I chose to be buddies with. Less than two weeks after we broke up--she was my first partner!--she asked to borrow my sensual massage book to practice on a date. ::facepalm:: It was hard. I don't regret maintaining that friendship. We've been friends for twenty years now.
I just left it on the treadclimber.... all sweaty now.
I get it. I have sent mixed signals... and frankly so has he.
The worst part - just 12hrs ago he is accusing me of spying on him... now he wants a drink recipe from a vacation we took just 1 year ago TODAY... mind you.... THIS TIME LAST YEAR WE WERE IN COSTA RICA on a 25k vacation.
Now he's hooking up with a massage therapist. I guess since he can't take HER to Costa Rica he will just make her the drink.
I get it. I have sent mixed signals... and frankly so has he..
Actually KK no he hasn’t. He’s communicated to you that he doesn’t want to be married to you anymore but he would like to be able to contact you when he needs something. Nothing mixed about it.
I’m new. I’ve yet to post my story, as it’s so new and painful it’s hard to write it down.
I just wanted to say kitcat I know how you are feeling. I’m crushed but I know I will survive. I’m a very strong woman and it’s who I am. I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I know it’s hard not to have contact and just wish they’d get their head out of their ass, but they haven’t (yet).....and honestly I’m not sure my dipshit H ever will. I guess it just means he’s not the person I just spent 10 plus years with. The person he is now is disgusting and pathetic. I don’t love that person. I love the person I fell in love with....and it’s not him anymore.
I have no idea If this is allowed, but I have flight benefits and I’d like to fly to meet you just to give you a no touching hug. Cuz I can. Cuz maybe I need one also. My heart breaks for you and I’m sorry (we’re) all going through this [censored].
xo
Please start your own thread so you can get support.
Thank you
Olivia,
When becoming a member of the Board, you may not have read the policies of the Board, however, one of the policies is that we are not allow to post and/or provide personal contact info of any kind for meeting up with others or communicating w/them outside of the Board. We've had a number of incidents whereby "trolls" have stalked our posters when personal info has been provided here. Also, Michele wants everyone to post here or to contact one of the coaches for guidance.
KK, what are the mixed signals he’s sending you?
KK, what are the mixed signals he’s sending you?
I guess he is not according to LH.
He has not said one word about attys, S or D in 3 weeks.
He has made contact about the puppy twice in one week. He went from accusing me of spying on him to launching into a long convo about the puppy and even sent a video.
He randomly asks for a drink recipe from our vacation this time last year. A wonderful vacation - that was very special to me. It was the last vaca with our kids before we were to be empty nesters. He knows I love this drink and I have the bottle of rum from Costa Rica. When he was last at the house I mentioned how it was nearly gone and this rum cannot be purchased in US.
He could have easily googled the recipie - I did. It took 60sec. Did he really have to text me out of the blue for it?
But, those are not mixed signal. I get it. He thinks we are just friends.
KC, I think the point LH and Ginger are making is that the mixed signals were on your end, not his. He is playing to the WAS playbook perfectly.
1) Walkaway because it is all the LBSs fault.
2) Not do much if anything to push the D forward, but wait for the LBS to get tired and do that.
3) Keep the LBS attached with little nuggets. A hug here. A wink there. A text reminding them of the good times.
All this is standard WAS playbook. Nothing he's said, or more importantly done, has ever strayed from his intention of continuing his lying and cheating affair with OW, and oh keeping you as Plan B in case this new R doesn't work out.
The mixed signals have been because you are emotionally reacting to everything he says and does. He comes by to get stuff and is surly and mean. You lose hope and think all is lost. He sends you a friendly text about puppy and kicks off a short, fun, happy text exchange back and forth. You start getting hopeful that he still finds you worthy of his attention.
Expectations, overreactions, and continuing to be overly attached will set you back every time. As LH pointed out, when you give in to his whims and engage, you set the clock back to zero. This is why establishing and maintaining NC in situations like yours is so important.
So go read the DR book section on the Last Resort Technique. That is where you are. And you have a huge leg up in that you don't have kids with him to exchange on a schedule, and to share about emergencies and the like.
You are looking at tea leaves and trying to attach importance to everything he says and does. What is important is that he lied to you and cheated on you, then left you for the OW. Everything else is manipulation and being a typical WAS.
But, those are not mixed signal. I get it. He thinks we are just friends.
Do you? Because you say you do and then you rehash it a couple days later. You admit to being controlling in the relationship with your husband. In essence you had the power. Now he does and he loves it and is flaunting it in your face. How do you take the power back?
If I has a nickel for every time a poster said "he/she has mentioned D in X days/weeks" I would never have to work again.
I get it.... I'm really tired of it and the text last night was just hurtful on many different levels.
I'm going back and forth on just blocking him completely.... on SM... on my phone...
LH you are right in that we don't have shared kids. But, we helped raised each others for 10 yr. S18 will be grads HS this year. Its been a complete mess with COVID... first it was cancelled but here is plan B... nope cancelled again... nope here is plan C.
H wants to be at grad and grad party as does my MIL.
Of course there doesn't have to be any contact between now and then AND I only planned to send out paper invites to both of them as I will do for everyone else. Its still a month away.
Outside of that there doesn't need to be any contact. H had asked to help move S18 into the dorm room but I can do it without him.
The mixed signals have been because you are emotionally reacting to everything he says and does. He comes by to get stuff and is surly and mean. You lose hope and think all is lost. He sends you a friendly text about puppy and kicks off a short, fun, happy text exchange back and forth. You start getting hopeful that he still finds you worthy of his attention.
That's the weird part... he hasn't been mean. Not for some time.
Of course when I booted him out and changed the locks --- BIG TIME. When I went and took out money from our joint acct --- BIG TIME Angry. The constant calls. The threats. Calling me narcissistic.
Once we met in person what? 6-7wk ago? Its been nothing but calm and friendly. The last 3 times he has been chattier and chattier. I try to only minic what he does. He doesn't make eye contact - I don't. If he doesn't smile - I don't. I don't bring anything up. If he randomly starts talking about the layout of his kitchen I just listen - insert oh's and ok's where appropriate. When he states he needs a portable dishwasher - I just say, yeah, you mentioned that already. I don't ask any questions.
The whole move out -even after several visits was smooth. Not one argument over anything. You need this? You want this? Oh S18 uses that... no problem. I let go of a lot of things that I just don't frankly use... packed them up and sent them out the door without even asking him if he wanted them. No a single harsh word or any stress in the matter.
Even three weeks ago when he brought up the whole bank fiasco --- when I asked how much $ was in the acct the teller told me $18k... that was $10K more than I was aware of... LOL. Turned out the teller told me wrong. Which at the time my H went off on me and it was WWIII. Well 3 weeks ago he mentions it in passing and it was almost a laugh. I again said that is what she told me but this was during COVID and bank drive up lines were 3 across and over an hour long so I imagine the poor woman was just stressed out. He acted like it was no big deal. And, he never asked for the money back that I took.
I need to stop focusing on this - its not bringing him back. Its just holding me back.
It is what it is... he has OW.
KK,
So lets get this on the table now with complete honesty so there is no confusion. You will say there should be no contact and then he contacts you. You come on here with the ????????? hoping we say he's having second thoughts and that eases your anxiety? Is that the dynamic?
Then we tell you what's really going on and then you seem to have a let down until it happens again.
If you like the contact that you should consider just being friends with him. That is not necessarily a bad thing.
If you do not then I would suggest one of two things. Ignore until he gives up. Kindly ask him to stop contacting you because you need time to heal and move on.
KK,
So lets get this on the table now with complete honesty so there is no confusion. You will say there should be no contact and then he contacts you. You come on here with the ????????? hoping we say he's having second thoughts and that eases your anxiety? Is that the dynamic?
Then we tell you what's really going on and then you seem to have a let down until it happens again.
If you like the contact that you should consider just being friends with him. That is not necessarily a bad thing.
If you do not then I would suggest one of two things. Ignore until he gives up. Kindly ask him to stop contacting you because you need time to heal and move on.
???? I can't control if he contacts me.
Last night was a low blow. That was worse than he accused me of spying on him... WHATEVER.
It got to me. I'm human. But, I controlled myself and didn't take the bait.
???? I can't control if he contacts me.
Kindly ask him to stop contacting you because you need time to heal and move on.
KC, my posting of yesterday is worth repeating again today:
What is it going to take to get you to step off the merry-go-round of contact/no contact/contact/no contact? The more contact you have w/him the more you question why he says or does the things he's doing. You took his bait this time because you were silent, he then accused you of snooping. I would have ignored the text and let him think whatever he wanted to think. He will not miss you until you've dropped the rope and let him go. Right now, he's thinking that you are going to be right where he wants you at all times. You were FIRED as his wife!!! You do not need to be his mother and yes, he can take care of the pup on his own. Right now, the pup is going to be used as an excuse to contact you....unless it is an absolute emergency, and I do mean an emergency...stop the contact!
Here's what I would post to him the next time he texts you "h, you have moved on w/your life and I've accepted that. In order for me to heal and move on with my life, I am asking that you refrain from contacting me unless it is an emergency."
You have to be the one to take that leap of faith and be strong here. Stop the contact, live your life as if he may never return and above all else....keep that focus on you and your son. This man has entirely too much space in your head and it's time to step off that merry-go-round.
KC, my posting of yesterday is worth repeating again today:
What is it going to take to get you to step off the merry-go-round of contact/no contact/contact/no contact? The more contact you have w/him the more you question why he says or does the things he's doing. You took his bait this time because you were silent, he then accused you of snooping. I would have ignored the text and let him think whatever he wanted to think. He will not miss you until you've dropped the rope and let him go. Right now, he's thinking that you are going to be right where he wants you at all times. You were FIRED as his wife!!! You do not need to be his mother and yes, he can take care of the pup on his own. Right now, the pup is going to be used as an excuse to contact you....unless it is an absolute emergency, and I do mean an emergency...stop the contact!
Here's what I would post to him the next time he texts you "h, you have moved on w/your life and I've accepted that. In order for me to heal and move on with my life, I am asking that you refrain from contacting me unless it is an emergency."
You have to be the one to take that leap of faith and be strong here. Stop the contact, live your life as if he may never return and above all else....keep that focus on you and your son. This man has entirely too much space in your head and it's time to step off that merry-go-round.
job is right.
And I think blocking him on SM is a great move as well. So many LBSs get tripped up with SM. If I could get them to just delete their SM I would. It is a real evil in our society today.
KC,
Block him on SM. As Job said, tell him to please refrain from contacting you. If he really needs something, he can email you. Then set up a filter in your email system to filter his emails to a separate folder that you can look at every once in awhile when you are fortified to not let it bother you. Direct all necessary correspondence about the D through your attorney.
If he has a real emergency, he has other people to rely on. And, if he really, really needs to contact you, he will figure out how to do it. There is literally zero reason for you to need to hear from him right now.
You can do this. One day at a time.
???? I can't control if he contacts me.
I love that you've received a solution to this problem--you can block him on social media AND ask him to only call or text in case of an emergency. If he doesn't respect that boundary, your next step could be to block phone contact and relegate him to e-mail. I've taken exactly these steps with my parents to good effect.
If you're ready--snip!, sinp!--the string can be cut.
Oh KK. It’s actually very simple.
But I don’t think you want to cut contact yet.
Oh KK. It’s actually very simple.
But I don’t think you want to cut contact yet.
Honestly - no I don't. I don't want to cut contact with my H. The man who wanted so much to marry ME. The man he is now is not the man who wanted to marry me.... I'm foolish to remain in any contact with him at this point.
It isn't good to know that he is taking all the best parts of us and giving them to her. But, that's what it is. He wants a drink recipe he knows how to use google.
I know it is not helping me in any way to stay in contact. And, it just making life easier for him.
String - CUT...
I hear the WORDS again, and they're good ones.
I look forward to hearing later today which ACTIONS you've taken to cut the cord.
KK,
Ok. Everyone here who have seen 100s if not 1,000s of sitches think it's best for you to go NC to save your marriage. You on the other hand think it's better to stay in contact with him. Can you at least explain why you think this is your best option? How you know better then everyone here?
KC,
If you know that you are making life easier for him, then....why in the h*ll do you continue to be there for him?
I get that you are afraid to cut that contact...but you must do it for your own mental health and well being. Like an addict, until you are ready to do this, you will continue to have contact w/him to get that attention, be it positive or negative.
You need to come to realize that he FIRED you as his wife and as long as he can use you for whatever he can get out of you, he'll continue to do so. Go cold turkey on this man. He's a grown man and if he can't figure out how to butter his bread, then that's on him...it's not your responsibility to continue to be providing advice and/or doing things for him now that he's out of the house.
He can't miss you if you are still in touch w/him. He can't miss all that you have done and continue to do for him if you continue being his "Gal Friday". Friends do not treat friends the way he's disrespected you. He'll learn to respect you when you grow a pair and say enough is enough and block him. Trust me, you feel much better not wondering if he's going to contact you today, tomorrow or the next day. Anxiety can be a killer if you aren't careful.
KK,
Ok. Everyone here who have seen 100s if not 1,000s of sitches think it's best for you to go NC to save your marriage. You on the other hand think it's better to stay in contact with him. Can you at least explain why you think this is your best option? How you know better then everyone here?
Where did you get that?
I stated honestly - yes I would like to stay in contact with the H who wanted to marry me but that is not who my H is right now and its foolish to stay in contact with that H.
I'm not saying I know better than anyone.
I haven't been the best at going NC... mostly because when he contacts I feel that response will appease him... positive interactions diffuse the negative angry ones. I've been tripping over my own feet.
If its not urgent I will not respond. I'm going to go dark on my SM. I'm looking for a way that any phone call goes right to VM. I've already muted his texts and I've disconnected the blue tooth in my car so my phone doesn't auto send his texts to the car.
Its 6 weeks until S18 graduation and party.
Hang in there KC. I wish this stuff were easier.
Know that we all just want you to be happy and healthy, no matter how it all turns out.
Hi KC,
Ok, if you want NC unless it’s an emergency, it’s fairly simple to block him on any smart phone these days. Do you have an android or IPhone? I’d be more than happy to give you a step by step on how to do it.
Another idea you could try is creating an email address just for him, don’t use it on your phone or as your main account. Check it once or twice a week to see if there’s anything worth responding too. Just let him know that will be the only way moving forward to get a hold of you. I would assume if there is a true emergency he’ll contact your son that lives with you.
Worse comes to worse you can always change your phone number
Everyone is telling you shouldn't take his calls and that you can't appease and placate him but that is what you are admit you are trying to do.
That in essence is you saying you know better then everyone.
You've been trying to "nice your way back" for months.
It's not working, it will never work.
You cannot placate him, you cannot "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.
You also cannot push him away by withdrawing support.
He has chosen her course of action, and as of right now, *nothing* you do will impact it.
Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
H unfriend me over 2months ago on FB. I know that he would still check out my page periodically just due to comments he made to S18.
I don't want to delete FB as it is a major source of communication for my out of state friends and family.
So I just blocked H and OW - Now neither can see my page.
Moving along.
I don't want to delete FB as it is a major source of communication for my out of state friends and family. So I just blocked H and OW - Now neither can see my page.
Yay! That's a small step forward.
Consider un-following your in-laws, since that'll also feature news about him.
I'm looking for a way that any phone call goes right to VM. I've already muted his texts and I've disconnected the blue tooth in my car so my phone doesn't auto send his texts to the car
While those are good steps, what's keeping you from going further, and asking him to only call/text for emergencies or even outright blocking him? I know what kept me from blocking my ex. I was afraid I'd miss out on that (silly, non-existent) moment when she was ready to text me and be all-in, but e-mailing was too hard.
I could justify not blocking her, though, because I never responded to her texts.
I don't want to delete FB as it is a major source of communication for my out of state friends and family. So I just blocked H and OW - Now neither can see my page.
Yay! That's a small step forward.
Consider un-following your in-laws, since that'll also feature news about him.
I'm looking for a way that any phone call goes right to VM. I've already muted his texts and I've disconnected the blue tooth in my car so my phone doesn't auto send his texts to the car
While those are good steps, what's keeping you from going further, and asking him to only call/text for emergencies or even outright blocking him? I know what kept me from blocking my ex. I was afraid I'd miss out on that (silly, non-existent) moment when she was ready to text me and be all-in, but e-mailing was too hard.
I could justify not blocking her, though, because I never responded to her texts.
Because I'm not going to ask... I don't need to get his permission to not contact me. I do not control him. I do not want not to control him.
I will learn to be in control of myself. I already don't check for texts on purpose... now sometimes I forget and exit out of convo and then I'll see his text... but I've been retraining myself to go to other phone apps to access my text for a particular person so I don't accidentally open the text app menu... I'm not perfect.... so sometimes I sound like Homer Simpson... Oh Crap.
I had a terrible slip up this past weekend and it was like I was trying out the Olympic downhill ski event... but no matter I picked myself up and moving on down the highway. This was 100% on me. I own it.
I just want to say that my hair is falling out... literally in the last 8 weeks by the handful. My hair is so thin on top you can notice in pictures now.
I'm not sure what to do.
I mean I am somewhat sad but I'm no longer at that stage where I'm wired all day and night. Overall I average some good sleep. I try to make sure I'm getting protein daily. I was bad and had way more sugar over the weekend.
I just want to say that my hair is falling out... literally in the last 8 weeks by the handful. My hair is so thin on top you can notice in pictures now.
I'm not sure what to do.
I mean I am somewhat sad but I'm no longer at that stage where I'm wired all day and night. Overall I average some good sleep. I try to make sure I'm getting protein daily. I was bad and had way more sugar over the weekend.
It’s stress KC. I had that issue for the first month the W was gone too. It’s since started growing back thank god. You relax, and take care of yourself. You have too.
H unfriend me over 2months ago on FB. I know that he would still check out my page periodically just due to comments he made to S18.
I don't want to delete FB as it is a major source of communication for my out of state friends and family.
So I just blocked H and OW - Now neither can see my page.
Moving along.
Yeay! Good move.
As an aside, I don't have FB and find I can stay in touch with my out of state friends and family just fine. But too each their own.
I just want to say that my hair is falling out... literally in the last 8 weeks by the handful. My hair is so thin on top you can notice in pictures now.
I'm not sure what to do.
I mean I am somewhat sad but I'm no longer at that stage where I'm wired all day and night. Overall I average some good sleep. I try to make sure I'm getting protein daily. I was bad and had way more sugar over the weekend.
It’s stress KC. I had that issue for the first month the W was gone too. It’s since started growing back thank god. You relax, and take care of yourself. You have too.
To clarify - I've been dealing with thinning hair slowly over the last 20yr... it really bites! But boy in the last few weeks I'm talking clumps of hair falling out.
H texted a few more times last night - "I'm not asking you personal questions about your life or who you are sleeping with", "you are being nosey again aren't you?", "you need to stop that"
Yes - apparently I got scolded like a child.
I did NOT respond!!!!! But, for the record I have not snooped... NOT ONE BIT. All the info I know and have is what I had prior to kicking him out and changing the locks. For goodness sake I specifically brought up the obituary and he said he was the BOYFRIEND... What, you have a wife!!!! That is WHY I changed the locks... can he not remember this stuff??? Either way, I haven't bothered one bit. After that there was nothing I needed to know. Yes, I wanted to know if she was living with him - NOPE. Yes, I wanted to know if he was in love with her.... But, I haven't bothered to waste my time like that.
Anyway, I'm off to get my first post-covid haircut and coloring !!!! Go Me!
I have tons of errands to do today. So much that I had to make a list. I will be busy. And, I will not be bothered.
KC,
I want you to know that we all love and care about you and we aren't giving you 2X4's just because we can do it. We ae very concerned about your physical health, mental health and all around well being. Separating and dealing with a spouse that walks away is not an easy walk in the park. It's a marathon, not a sprint to get to the other side.
I'm glad you didn't take his bait and respond back to him. He's got a lot of guilt going on and right now, he's projecting on to you what he may very well be doing to you.....snooping! They love to turn the tables and gaslight us. He can't come up with a reasonable justification for walking away from you and the marriage, so he's trying to goad you into responding to all of his crazy making texts to say "see, this is why I left her". They try many things, i.e., if they can't get you to take the bait one way, they will attempt another. They can't own up to their own behavior for a very long time, if ever. The best way to handle someone who does this kind of stuff and just not to respond. Silence is golden in instances such as these. I hope you can keep up the silence for a while...you need some peace and quiet...your stress level is extremely high.
Hang in there. We may come across as "tough", but we all know what you are going through because we have been there too.
Take care and try to enjoy your day.
KC,
I want you to know that we all love and care about you and we aren't giving you 2X4's just because we can do it. We ae very concerned about your physical health, mental health and all around well being. Separating and dealing with a spouse that walks away is not an easy walk in the park. It's a marathon, not a sprint to get to the other side.
I'm glad you didn't take his bait and respond back to him. He's got a lot of guilt going on and right now, he's projecting on to you what he may very well be doing to you.....snooping! They love to turn the tables and gaslight us. He can't come up with a reasonable justification for walking away from you and the marriage, so he's trying to goad you into responding to all of his crazy making texts to say "see, this is why I left her". They try many things, i.e., if they can't get you to take the bait one way, they will attempt another. They can't own up to their own behavior for a very long time, if ever. The best way to handle someone who does this kind of stuff and just not to respond. Silence is golden in instances such as these. I hope you can keep up the silence for a while...you need some peace and quiet...your stress level is extremely high.
Hang in there. We may come across as "tough", but we all know what you are going through because we have been there too.
Take care and try to enjoy your day.
So true! WAS usually blame the LBS for things they themselves are guilty of. Expect a flurry of texts once he realizes you blocked him on FB!!
I just want to say that my hair is falling out... literally in the last 8 weeks by the handful. My hair is so thin on top you can notice in pictures now.
I'm not sure what to do.
I mean I am somewhat sad but I'm no longer at that stage where I'm wired all day and night. Overall I average some good sleep. I try to make sure I'm getting protein daily. I was bad and had way more sugar over the weekend.
Hey KC,
de-stress your life. You have to. Start telling yourself how happy you are that you cooked X meal from scratch. Or how you accomplished XYZ at work. Or how you walked 5 miles for your workout. Set goals, make progress, keep track and be happy in all that you day. I know this can help.
It may be a medical thing too, have you spoken to a Dr?
Overall my stress level is WAY down from what it was weeks ago. I don't feel stressed out.
Sure I get gut wrenching moments - when my work shift is over and I'm not coming home to him and our routine. But they don't last forever.
I've got a lot of other things to focus on and I need to start making them a priority.
ovrrnbw - I have not spoken to my Dr about it. That's probably a good idea. I recently had full labs down - all normal. Surely soon I can get an actual Dr visit and not a phone call.
I can't wait until they open the borders.... my male bff will take me sailing... I really need that right now.
KC, you're at 10 pages, time for a new thread!
I just wanted to say that I get the impression that you have a big heart. And you are clearly a loyal and faithful person, those are all such rare qualities in this day and age. Be true to yourself. But please, please, please cut H out of your life and focus on you. He's tearing you apart. Whatever small bits of recovery you have are quickly derailed by one text or phone call. It's not that he's trying to make you miserable, I really don't think he is. He's just trying to keep the peace. But every call or text is a ray of hope for you, one that you desperately grab onto and cling to and try to dissect and interpret to mean something meaningful when in fact they mean nothing at all. So let's change direction here. Let's here more about YOU, your thoughts and hopes and dreams WITHOUT H in your life. Where you are going, what you are doing, how you are making it happen. You have done that now and then but you quickly slip back into obsessing over him. THAT is why your hair is falling out! You are stressing yourself into an early grave!
This place is for journaling all of those things that you can't talk about IRL. But it's a double-edged sword, sometimes just talking about it is damaging to the LBS rather than cathartic. I think that is the case with you. So maybe you should quit talking about H, even here. Maybe stick to a weekly update on H on Monday, and the rest of the week just post about you. Worth a try.
KC, have you ever considered a daily green smoothie? My finger and toe nails grow so fast! I believe it is a direct result of the nutrients in my daily smoothie. Can't speak to hair. I gave up the hair loss battle a long time ago and started shaving my head!
^^^^AS
Thanks for the suggestion. Another person told me to write any text I want to say to him in a note program on my phone rather than actually do it.
I did do that this am... rather than fall for his You're being nosey again aren't you?.... I just texted in my note app how I dont need him treating me like a child. So then I didnt need to actually respond. I'm going to continue to try that and just see how it goes. Does it help and I dont actually text him? Or does it keep me stuck? I'll give it a couple of weeks.
I think you are right. I think he is just trying to be a decent guy... at least what he thinks is a decent guy.
I get it.... I have to truly let him go if there is ever to be a chance that things may be different. I have spending more time focusing on myself. I have started to let ideas of my future on my own. Right now the plan is that once our respective children are out of college... my male buff and me will sail the seas!!!
So I've got a lot to learn about sailing and living on a boat.
KC, have you ever considered a daily green smoothie? My finger and toe nails grow so fast! I believe it is a direct result of the nutrients in my daily smoothie. Can't speak to hair. I gave up the hair loss battle a long time ago and started shaving my head!
What's in your smoothie... not a huge fan of green things.. lol.
I think I will start taking some Biotin. I had a full hysterectomy years ago and 1yr ago stopped taking my hor.one replacement. Not sure that was a good idea but now that I'm off I would t go back.
I think that was part of my issues in pulling away and not feeling good about myself. But with the AD and exercise (not to mention the swift kick in the pants that comes with BD) I'm getting back. I feel I will be off the ADs I. 2 to 3 more months.
1 cup of spinach or kale (smashed down so it is probably more like 2 or 3 cups not pushed down)
1 cup milk (whole but you can use a nut milk or low fat too)
1 cup water
1 scoop whey protein powder
1 tablespoon ground flax seed
1/2 tablespoon cocoa or cacoa (I switch back and forth. Cacao is wrong and has more nutrients but is more acidic. Cocoa is roasted and therefore less nutritious but is also is alkalized)
1/4 teaspoon shilajit (this is probably not necessary, but studies have shown this to have lots of potential benefits on blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol and testosterone production in men)
1 tablespoon pumpkin puree
1/2 cup low sugar fruit (I prefer berries)
Drop it all into the blender (I prefer a Vitamix!) and blend until smooth.
1 cup of spinach or kale (smashed down so it is probably more like 2 or 3 cups not pushed down)
1 cup milk (whole but you can use a nut milk or low fat too)
1 cup water
1 scoop whey protein powder
1 tablespoon ground flax seed
1/2 tablespoon cocoa or cacoa (I switch back and forth. Cacao is wrong and has more nutrients but is more acidic. Cocoa is roasted and therefore less nutritious but is also is alkalized)
1/4 teaspoon shilajit (this is probably not necessary, but studies have shown this to have lots of potential benefits on blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol and testosterone production in men)
1 tablespoon pumpkin puree
1/2 cup low sugar fruit (I prefer berries)
Drop it all into the blender (I prefer a Vitamix!) and blend until smooth.
Hmmmm.... interesting... and the taste?