I guess I will start from the beginning. My W of almost 16 years decided last month that the issues she has addressed for the past years with my lack of emotional support have weighed on her so much that we should be separated. That night she moved out to her parent's house and has been gone for almost a month and a half now. Approximately one week after she left she decided that "she did not want to be married to me anymore."
Needless to say, I am trying to work through all of these issues, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with her reason for the BD. I personally think that her leaving was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to our M, but she has not allowed any time for the S to work. She told me that she has tried everything in the past 15 years to get me to be more emotionally connected to her and none of it has worked. So her stance is that anything that I do now is it's too little, too late. She has completely checked out of our M and she does not want to put any effort into the R.
I got the DB book about three weeks into the S and have tried to implement the LRT. Unfortunately, I have backslid a few times and am having trouble letting go. I have begged and pleaded for her to reconsider her decision and I've hoped that making her see what this is doing to our D13, would make her change her mind. I've even told her that I don't want her to change her mind right now, I just want her to allow the time and hopefully, counseling in the future may give her the opportunity to change her mind. She told me as recently as last weekend that she has made up her mind and that she will never change her decision.
Unfortunately over this last weekend, I found evidence that she's been having an EA for several months now. I believe that this has been a major catalyst for her decision to leave and BD. I confronted her and our "friend" about the EA and asked them to stop the EA. He said that he would, but the only thing that she said to me is that she would not stop being his friend. I have no faith that the EA has stopped, but I am hoping that it has.
So right now, we've had some very difficult discussions about the R and I've brought it up more than I should have. I 've allowed my emotions to take control of my actions and I have not been putting my best foot forward. She is a very stubborn person and is resolute that her decision is final and she will never change her mind. We have talked recently and both of us have agreed that we both want to work on our friendship and that she is willing to go to counseling, but only so that we can move toward an amicable D. I don't want a D and am struggling every day with the loss in my life. Every day gets a little better, but this is the worst emotional roller coaster that I have ever been on. Leni tells me there is hope, but it's really hard to see when the W is so certain that her decision is the right one.
Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. Please read all of the links.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmand Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
I am sorry you are here Biz but you cam to the right place.
When people get into emotional affairs, it's a very stark mixed bag of feelings. For one, getting loads of positive attention from a member of the opposite sex is intoxicating, it's really like a drug. Then, there's the accompanying feeling of guilt knowing that they are doing something wrong.
Rather than get angry at themselves, they think "why am I feeling guilty? It's because of HIM, HE'S making me feel guilty"
Then, you become the bad guy, and they look to reinforce their argument that "you are making them do this" by searching for any negative things that you do, re-writing your history so it was always bad, etc. etc. etc.
It's a very predictable and repeatable pattern unfortunately, and the things your wife is saying and how she is acting are no different.
The guilt she feels over her EA is yet another reason she resents you, so anything you do to guilt her, shame her, or make her responsible for your sadness is going to increase her guilt and therefore increase her resentment.
Your best bet is to go the opposite direction and give her more space than she wants. The DB prescription is (1) 180: whatever she assumes she knows about you, demonstrate that it's not true. If you used to get angry and honk in traffic, don't do that even in the worst scenario, etc. (2) Get a Life: go out and do things with other people and enjoy your life, establish new relationships, (3) Act as If: Act as if everything is 100% awesome in your life.
There is NOTHING you can do about her affair partner or what she's going to do next. You can only control what you're going to do next.
People often fear that if they go in the other direction, are they telling their partner they don't care, or giving their tacit approval for the affair to continue, or how will they demonstrate that they're different if the other person doesn't see them, etc. etc.
The answer to all of that is "NO" -- the answer is to give space, not pursue, and all it means is that you're giving space. There's nothing else to read into it.
Good luck and keep posting.
What's up Bizzy?
I notice you think the separation is to work on this marriage and you are taking offense that she is not of a similar mind. Separation is done to facilitate divorce, despite what the desperate mind of a left behind spouses (LBS) tries to rationalize about it.
It appears that you asking her to change her mind, begging and pleading, and asking her to give this more time has not worked yet. A DB hallmark is doing what works. I know you want to change this around today or tomorrow but it will likely be over a year long process so slow down and breath, think and prepare.
I wouldn't ask her about marriage counseling either. I am not a big believer in marriage counselor. It is pressure and 1 hour of arguing. Give her time and space. Remove pressure. Become attractive. Listen more, talk less. Grow as a man.
Ignore the EA. Y'all are separated now and even though she had an affair it doesn't matter at the moment. If she is kicking down your door to get you back, and she is not doing this, then you discuss the affair. Otherwise talking to her about it will be useless. I'd recommend talking to her very little. Cut ties on social media. Join some groups in your area (see Meetup.com or facebook groups), start new activities, new interests, and pour your heart into your daily activities.
DO NOT "work on your friendship" or go to marriage counseling. You don't want to be in the friend zone and marriage counseling is a waste. She wants you to get the picture. She is out. Say "OK" and go make your life great again. Seriously. You aren't going to win her back by being "friends" while y'alls "friend" is her romantic interest. Screw that guy. And screw her for cheating and leaving you. Move forward with things.
You have this big freedom to do what you want now. There were so many great things about my separation that I didn't even realize at the time. I watched whatever show I wanted, I always picked what meal I wanted, I went out to bars and talked to pretty women, I saw my friends more, I ran more, I exercised more, I read more, I played more video games, I went hunting more. Become attractive.
Go LRT. Maybe she'll come back but prepare for the worst and love her from afar in the meantime.
LH19,
Thank you for your response. I have made a conscious decision to not do anything that will not do anything to make matters worse. Unfortunately, it is easier said than done. I am talking to Leni tonight and I hope that we can put a concrete strategy together, I am going to need to understand how the friendship should look moving forward.
Thanks again for your support
I have made a conscious decision to not do anything that will not do anything to make matters worse.
Can you explain to us what this means to you?
Steve,
I think I was typing this and then got distracted. I read this quote somewhere in my reading, possibly this site. What I meant to say is, I am making a commitment to become more conscious of the times when I am only making matters worse by stubbornly sticking to what I know isn't working.
I would also like to comment to ovrrbnw's post. I know that you are stating not to be friends with her, but one of the issues she is complaining about is that she did not feel we had an emotional connection. If I want to show her that I am able to have that deep emotional connection, the best way to do that is to show her that I can do it as a friend. I am going to talk to my coach about it tonight and come up with a strategy.
Thanks for the advise
I would also like to comment to ovrrbnw's post. I know that you are stating not to be friends with her, but one of the issues she is complaining about is that she did not feel we had an emotional connection. If I want to show her that I am able to have that deep emotional connection, the best way to do that is to show her that I can do it as a friend. I am going to talk to my coach about it tonight and come up with a strategy.
Yea I hear ya. This would be a good 180 for you, so learn to validate her feelings when she shares them and how to be a listener to women. But do not be a friend. I have zero women friends. I had some acquaintances over the years through work and social groups, but no friends. You have to tread carefully here especially since there is another person involved. It's hard to make that deep emotional connection right now with her wanting a divorce and an OM. Settling for "friends" certainly won't get you there.
The friend doesn't get the date, he doesn't take the girl home, the friend just gets to watch things happen. Is this making sense?
Is Leni your DB coach?
Ovrrnbw,
Yes, all of this makes sense and that is why I think I need a strategy for moving forward. Yes, Leni is my coach and I am talking to her tonight. I need to be strong and confident, but I feel that I also need to allow opportunities for open and honest communication. Since she has moved out, I do not have a lot of those. Obviously, right now I am a mixed bag of crazy and I'm just trying to stay sane and deal with everything. I have more than one person say to me that they would never imagine this in a million years that they thought my W and I were soul mates.
Each day gets better than the last, but it is truly an emotional roller coaster. I plan on treading lightly and with the help of Leni I hope to have a solid strategy in place that I can work from.
Thanks
Steve,
I think I was typing this and then got distracted. I read this quote somewhere in my reading, possibly this site. What I meant to say is, I am making a commitment to become more conscious of the times when I am only making matters worse by stubbornly sticking to what I know isn't working.
I would also like to comment to ovrrbnw's post. I know that you are stating not to be friends with her, but one of the issues she is complaining about is that she did not feel we had an emotional connection. If I want to show her that I am able to have that deep emotional connection, the best way to do that is to show her that I can do it as a friend. I am going to talk to my coach about it tonight and come up with a strategy.
Thanks for the advise
Ok, good. I was afraid you thought doing things that were intuitive to you were things that wouldn't make things worse. It is common LBS thinking. But you are right, doing those things that come natural are what make matters worse, so good job understanding that.
Also, listen to ovr. "We didn't have an emotional connection." as a reason for BD and separation doesn't mean you run out and immediately try to forge an emotional connection with her. What if one of her complaints was "we didn't have sex enough", would you really be trying to have sex with her right now? Her complaints for why she left cannot be fixed now. It is too late. All you can do is give her time and space, when she initiates interaction listen and validate (like ovr says), and see if her curiosity/desire to R/giving it another try kicks in. Then you can show her that you can connect with her emotionally. Until then, trying to connect with her emotionally will feel like you are just making changes to win her back.
Focus on you. GAL, 180s, and detachment. That is the best way to proceed.
Hey bizmark - just wanted to chime and say your situation sounds a lot like mine so I feel for you. I’m new here too so I don’t have a lot to add other than hang in there, do self-care every day (GAL, exercise, etc.), and read as much wisdom as you can from this forum. There are some really generous people here who drop gems everyday. I am still struggling with detachment myself, but deep down I know letting go is the only positive way forward. ^^Steve85 really nailed it, and LH19 had a really good post yesterday responding to Mistysea that you should read.
I am rereading DR today and something that she said really struck a cord with me. The steps are simple, it’s the application of those steps that are the difficult part. I’m sitting alone in my house and all I can think about is her and how much I want to talk to her. I know that initiating contact is not beneficial and I won’t call, but it really is difficult.
I know that initiating contact is not beneficial and I won’t call, but it really is difficult.
Only if you make it.
Your inner discourse was chosen by you.
You can decide to say this is easy too.
But I would get busy, play a game, read a book, call a friend, make a meal, make a fancy dessert, clean something, organize something, wrestle the dog.
My W of almost 16 years decided last month that the issues she has addressed for the past years with my lack of emotional support have weighed on her so much that we should be separated.
Sorry you are here Bismarck. You're in the hardest part right now. Mind can be all over the place. What went wrong, whats wrong with me, whats wrong with her. You'll have those moments...get through them as quick as you can then continue DBing. I've had difficulty since the beginning in my sitch. Some pointers/comments to hopefully help you avoid the same troubles. As to the above comment, if that was a concern she brought up several times during the M than there may be truth to it. It's nothing you can fix immediately however. As others mentioned, read up on validation. When W reaches out to you, then you can use the new skill. Dont pursue her to show her what you've learned.
That night she moved out to her house and has been gone for almost a month and a half now. Approximately one week after she left she decided that "she did not want to be married to me anymore."
That's how she feels at the time she said it. She also one time agreed to marry you. Feelings can change.
Needless to say, I am trying to work through all of these issues, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with her reason for the BD. I personally think that her leaving was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to our M, but she has not allowed any time for the S to work. She told me that she has tried everything in the past 15 years to get me to be more emotionally connected to her and none of it has worked. So her stance is that anything that I do now is it's too little, too late. She has completely checked out of our M and she does not want to put any effort into the R.
Unfortunately these words as so common, its like they all read a script. She's checked out because she's currently checked in elsewhere.
I got the DB book about three weeks into the S and have tried to implement the LRT. Unfortunately, I have backslid a few times and am having trouble letting go. I have begged and pleaded for her to reconsider her decision and I've hoped that making her see what this is doing to our D13, would make her change her mind. I've even told her that I don't want her to change her mind right now, I just want her to allow the time and hopefully, counseling in the future may give her the opportunity to change her mind. She told me as recently as last weekend that she has made up her mind and that she will never change her decision.
Dont beat yourself up, weve all done it with the early pursuit. You made the mistake, now change and avoid it again. One mistake won't seal the deal. Definitely refrain from mentioning D13 in convincing her to work on things. WW can rationalize anything and can make themselves believe D is best for the kid. Itll also add to her guilt and shame which will be directed at you as resentment. In her mind, you caused all this.
Unfortunately over this last weekend, I found evidence that she's been having an EA for several months now. I believe that this has been a major catalyst for her decision to leave and BD. I confronted her and our "friend" about the EA and asked them to stop the EA. He said that he would, but the only thing that she said to me is that she would not stop being his friend. I have no faith that the EA has stopped, but I am hoping that it has.
Sorry man, bro hug. It could be the main reason, or a symptom. We dont know, she may not even know. The reason for the "poor emotional connection" however is that she was being pulled in two directions and was getting her emotional meeds met elsewhere. This part hurts. You will get through it.
So right now, we've had some very difficult discussions about the R and I've brought it up more than I should have. I 've allowed my emotions to take control of my actions and I have not been putting my best foot forward.
Stop initiating R talks now that you know, and spice up that validation for when she initiates one. Find out what you need to do to get your best foot forward. Post here for support, tips or to get a kick in the A.
She is a very stubborn and is resolute that her decision is final and she will never change her mind. We have talked recently and both of us have agreed that we both want to work on our friendship and that she is willing to go to counseling, but only so that we can move toward an amicable D. I don't want a D and am struggling every day with the loss in my life. Every day gets a little better, but this is the worst emotional roller coaster that I have ever been on. Leni tells me there is hope, but it's really hard to see when the W is so certain that her decision is the right one.
Stay on good terms with W for D13 however only settle for friends if thats what you want. Most here would agree that MC is not worth it at this point of your sitch. I agree in most cases. One exception is if your communication is horrible and you need to get on decent terms for D13s sake. This isn't a fun rollercoaster. You will grow from this if you stick to it. Become a bettee Bizmark for your next relationship whether its with W or someone else. Let go of control as best you can and do your best to acknowledge that you didnt break your W and you can't fix her.
I am rereading DR today and something that she said really struck a cord with me. The steps are simple, it’s the application of those steps that are the difficult part. I’m sitting alone in my house and all I can think about is her and how much I want to talk to her. I know that initiating contact is not beneficial and I won’t call, but it really is difficult.
The key here is "sitting". GAL is absolutely necessary to ward off the desire to reach out. Be busy and you'll have less opportunity to sit. The LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that do GAL the worst. We had one guy here, who when I asked him what his GAL plans were for that night responded "sit gone a be bored". And he wondered why he struggled so much with his desire to reach out to her, etc.
Stay busy. Keep your mind occupied. It's harder in the COVID works but not impossible.
Steve,
Thank you for your reply. I completely agree there have been a lot of shortcomings in my GAL plan. I need to remind myself that I have a much larger group of friends than I realize. This pandemic has made this much more difficult than it would be normally. I just need to work on thinking outside of the box.
I think another thing that I have been struggling with is the type of Woman that my W is. She is a very stubborn person, but on the flip side, she is very rational and has always been a reasonable person. It feels like I should just be able to talk through the issues with her and weight the pros and cons and we should be able to work it out. I truly have been struggling with that. I could be mistaken, but something that I have been reminding myself a lot lately is that my W is possibly not thinking the same way now. She has sat and thought about this decision for a LONG time and has not come to this point lightly. I believe that deep down she does not want a divorce, but she does not see that there is any other option at this point. That kills me that she has come to this conclusion in her mind.
It feels like I should just be able to talk through the issues with her and weight the pros and cons and we should be able to work it out. She has sat and thought about this decision for a LONG time and has not come to this point lightly. That kills me that she has come to this conclusion in her mind.
It's frustrating that we sometimes have to lose a thing to realize what we had. When I walked away from my ex-wife, she begged and pleaded and promised anything. I'd been trying to fix us for 6 months with little help, and even a small step on her part would've kept me around. Once I walked away that was it. I decided I shouldn't have to threaten D to get my needs met in a relationship. As you say, once they walk away they are not in the same place as they were before they walked away, and her exit affair is now its own obstacle.
I wanted to give an update since I was able to see my W twice this morning.
We met for breakfast with our D13 and had a great time. We talked about our families and general things that were going on in our lives, no S or D talk, she asked that we not talk about that before we met. I felt really good about this baby step. She even texted after the breakfast was over and said that she thought it went really well.
After breakfast, I had to go get a title notarized since I am selling my motorcycle, I never ride. Unfortunately. I did not realize that her name was on the title and that I needed her there for the notary. Well needless to say she was pissed, she said that I was losing her money and that I should have done my research before this happened. I stayed calm, I validated what she was saying, I didn't try to defend myself or justify my position, I just took my lumps. On her way to the notary she calmed down and we talked about what we were going to do with the money. I had hoped at some point we could use it to go on a much-needed vacation, but I did not say anything about that. The discussion went well and she seemed to be in a good mood when she arrived at the notary to sign. We talked a little more about our days and then parted ways. I texted afterward and said that I was appreciative of how we worked through the situation and that I was glad we were working on our friendship. She stated that she felt the same way.
All in all, I feel like it was a pretty good morning.
If you aren't in the mood for a 2x4......then stop reading here:
"I texted afterward and said that I was appreciative of how we worked through the situation and that I was glad we were working on our friendship. She stated that she felt the same way"
WHAT THE HECK?
Have you read DB? Have you listened to the advice here? How in the world did you think this follow-up text was a good idea?
Nope I need as much advice and tough love that I can get.
We both agreed to work on the friendship. I have read and am rereading the book. Also, my coach Leni has informed me that working on and rebuilding the friendship is the best way to rebuild the relationship. So, I am taking by your response that I need to not instigate any communication.
EDIT!
Is your coach a DB coach?
Ok, well I am not going to against a DB coach.
Well I may have to get a little definition around what she was saying.
I wanted to give a little update since I haven’t posted in a while. I’m in the National Guard and have been dealing with the riots in our great nation. Unfortunately, during this time I have been strung out and exhausted and that’s compounded my stress on top of my R with W. I contacted her and fell back into the same narrative about wanting her to change her mind, I know I know, I’m stressed. After talking to my sister, I’ve decided that I can’t be friends with my W right now, it not doing me any good and I’m allowing it to feed me false hope. Contacted W this morning and told her that I wanted to be her husband and not her friend, I was not going to be her second choice. Going dark and I feel really good about my decision.
I wanted to give a little update since I haven’t posted in a while. I’m in the National Guard and have been dealing with the riots in our great nation. Unfortunately, during this time I have been strung out and exhausted and that’s compounded my stress on top of my R with W. I contacted her and fell back into the same narrative about wanting her to change her mind, I know I know, I’m stressed. After talking to my sister, I’ve decided that I can’t be friends with my W right now, it not doing me any good and I’m allowing it to feed me false hope. Contacted W this morning and told her that I wanted to be her husband and not her friend, I was not going to be her second choice. Going dark and I feel really good about my decision.
hang in there bizmark. This stuff is not easy. LBS struggle with NC mightily!! Stay strong.
Contacted W this morning and told her that I wanted to be her husband and not her friend, I was not going to be her second choice. Going dark and I feel really good about my decision.
Remember that it is more important to show her this than to tell her. MWD says that your small, consistent changes will matter the most.
I appreciate the response and I am working on all the changes. It’s so tough, because you have lived with this person for so long and you think all you need to do is reason with her. In reality she’s not the same person, so there is no reasoning with her it’s interacting with someone else.
I wanted to blog and update today. So I am home from National Guard duty and back to work, I can't sit around with everything going on. Even though I told my W that I didn't want to be friends, she has contacted me every day for something. One day she wanted to take the garbage can out since I was still gone and she had a neighbor mow the lane. Another day she commented about how much she missed our D13, she went to spend a few weeks with my parents in another state. The most recent was that she had been thinking a lot about Father's Day and offered to do something with her Dad that evening so that I could hang out with him during the day. I said that I would appreciate that very much and then she informed me that she was putting something together for both of us. I had to text her today so that I could get a document signed and will be seeing her this evening. She continued to text and ask about how work was going and that she hoped I had a restful weekend planned. I am really confused, for someone that does not want me to be her H, she is contacting and doing quite a lot for me.
I wanted to blog and update today. So I am home from National Guard duty and back to work, I can't sit around with everything going on. Even though I told my W that I didn't want to be friends, she has contacted me every day for something. One day she wanted to take the garbage can out since I was still gone and she had a neighbor mow the lane. Another day she commented about how much she missed our D13, she went to spend a few weeks with my parents in another state. The most recent was that she had been thinking a lot about Father's Day and offered to do something with her Dad that evening so that I could hang out with him during the day. I said that I would appreciate that very much and then she informed me that she was putting something together for both of us. I had to text her today so that I could get a document signed and will be seeing her this evening. She continued to text and ask about how work was going and that she hoped I had a restful weekend planned. I am really confused, for someone that does not want me to be her H, she is contacting and doing quite a lot for me.
Welcome to the friend zone. Won't be long before she is confiding in you about the new guy in her life.
I wanted to blog and update today. So I am home from National Guard duty and back to work, I can't sit around with everything going on. Even though I told my W that I didn't want to be friends, she has contacted me every day for something. One day she wanted to take the garbage can out since I was still gone and she had a neighbor mow the lane. Another day she commented about how much she missed our D13, she went to spend a few weeks with my parents in another state. The most recent was that she had been thinking a lot about Father's Day and offered to do something with her Dad that evening so that I could hang out with him during the day. I said that I would appreciate that very much and then she informed me that she was putting something together for both of us. I had to text her today so that I could get a document signed and will be seeing her this evening. She continued to text and ask about how work was going and that she hoped I had a restful weekend planned. I am really confused, for someone that does not want me to be her H, she is contacting and doing quite a lot for me.
Welcome to the friend zone. Won't be long before she is confiding in you about the new guy in her life.
Yeah I have no interest in that.
I wanted to blog and update today. So I am home from National Guard duty and back to work, I can't sit around with everything going on. Even though I told my W that I didn't want to be friends, she has contacted me every day for something. One day she wanted to take the garbage can out since I was still gone and she had a neighbor mow the lane. Another day she commented about how much she missed our D13, she went to spend a few weeks with my parents in another state. The most recent was that she had been thinking a lot about Father's Day and offered to do something with her Dad that evening so that I could hang out with him during the day. I said that I would appreciate that very much and then she informed me that she was putting something together for both of us. I had to text her today so that I could get a document signed and will be seeing her this evening. She continued to text and ask about how work was going and that she hoped I had a restful weekend planned. I am really confused, for someone that does not want me to be her H, she is contacting and doing quite a lot for me.
Welcome to the friend zone. Won't be long before she is confiding in you about the new guy in her life.
Yeah I have no interest in that.
So put an end to it. Go to BenB's thread and look at AnotherStander's latest post to Ben. PURE GOLD
It's been a little while since I have posted and I thought I would share my recent experiences. I was released from National Guard Duty and I went right back to work, could not see myself sitting around. I was feeling low during that time and reached out to a mutual friend for validation, obviously, that did not go well and W called upset. I have to agree with her on this point, I have been putting our mutual friends in the middle of the sitch. That was really good for me and I have been able to look for more positive venues of validation.
I talked with my DB coach and she told me to stop listening to everyone's advice and do what she has been telling me. So, I am committed to working on the friendship with the W. No matter the outcome of our R, I will be in a better place for it and I will know that I made the effort. Not saying that it has been easy, she told me the other day that she was planning on moving out of her parent's house and getting an apartment. I'm not sure why this has been such a difficult thing for me to handle, but I have been doing well when talking with her about it. She actually said that she was surprised at how supportive I was being and that she was really nervous about bringing up the topic with me.
Each day everything gets a little better, but I would really like to get off the roller coaster. I know that this is a long process and not to expect anything and to GAL, but some days I just want to scream.
I think you're confused on what your DB coach means and what, for example, Steve means.
You can be friendly and build rapport without being dragged into the friend zone. It's about boundaries IMO and sticking tight to your values.
Frankly, I'm not 100% sure what you mean by saying you are "committed to working on the friendship". I am not friends with women that aren't my romantic partner, sister, mother, cousin, grandmother. Never have been. Doesn't mean I'm not friendly with my W's friends or work colleagues and women in social circles. What does working on the friendship mean to you? Also, what does your DB coach mean by "working on the friendship"?
These DB coaches are trained by MWD so I fully believe there are good reasons they say what they say.