Part 7 (and links to earlier parts on page 1)
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2881467&page=11Here is my long 'Reflections' post for anyone that missed it as it was right at the end of the previous thread before it got locked:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2893954#Post2893954
You have done a lot of work, Mrs DaB35(2) will (unknowingly) appreciate it.
Keep on keeping on.
Thank you for the compliment; that means a lot. Yes I believe I have worked hard. I feel consistently good about myself.
Recently I've looked at my skincare routine; got some new products, all natural stuff in nice glass containers with no plastic - I'm big on sustainable stuff. I always had a patch of problem roseacea on my left cheek, but it's cleared up significantly since I started using this new face cream. Getting into a routine of looking after myself and sticking to it. Really helped with my confidence (even though, due to lockdown, I've not had a haircut in 2 months!).
I used to always feel as though I was unattractive (despite XW telling me otherwise) and that people would be looking at me for all the wrong reasons. Now I walk tall with my head up rather than staring down at my feet. I also walk a little slower, less anxious.
On payday yesterday I treated myself and bought some good quality skin and foot creams. I thought, why not!?
Hey man,
that was a bit of a read there. You put a lot of thought into it, I can tell that. Sometimes it's good to think everything through, but then you have to kind of leave it and there too and get on with your life while revisiting it to make sure you aren't falling back into old habits.
I would boil it down to some goals like:
1. Work on NGS
2. Gym and attitude
3. Fun (GAL)
You are a good dude and if you keep this up some lady is going to fall into your lap when you aren't even expecting it.
Thanks O. I think my NGS is defintely being kicked to the curb. I know which elements of my behaivour before were detrimental to me as a person, and which bits to grow instead. One big element of NGS was worrying about what others think. I realise that I am not affected by that anymore. Certainly when I walk aorund in public I feel fine and just one normal guy in the crowd.
Gym and exercise is going well. I can do press-ups now! Before I never could do them. I hadn't done them at the gym as I had plenty of other things to work on, but during lockdown I've started and could do them straight off! Upping my reps, and am adding squats into my home exercise routine this week. I do about 45mins in total each time, usually 6 times a week. Then I go for a walk each evening with my mum. I'm getting mroe definition in the abs area - no full-on six pack yet, but it's certainly coming through. Arms and chest are better too.
GAL is going well. Reading a bit more - I have Audible on when I work at home regularly. Catching up on some films/Netflix series too. Doing lots of creative work, and did some more detailing on my car recently to pass a morning. Even managed to get 2 bits of freelance work offered to me. Not a huge amount of money (£200 combined) but that's great on top of my usual 9-5 salary. I'm using it to just chuck at the credit card - had to put my deposit for the new car on it - so I'll have it paid off after summer. Got a good savings routine going now; watching the savings very gradually mount up is satisfying. I'm thinking of doing a YouTube video on something soon too. Also did a huge clear out at my parents' house - very satisfying work. Lots of old paperwork shredded. I'm keeping busy!
I'm still reading up on validation, overcoming NGS, and boundaries. I listen to NMMNG still sometimes although now instead of think "That's me" I am increasingly thinking, "I used to be like that" instead. This must be a good sign.
Gym and exercise is going well. I can do press-ups now!
That's impressive! If that's the same as a pull-up, they're by no means easy.
adding squats into my home exercise routine this week.
Yay! Squats are a phenomenal exercise.
GAL is going well. Reading a bit more - I have Audible on when I work at home regularly.
I love Audible, too. I have their "more books" membership.
Great update! Glad your life is going well.
If anyone hasn't read it, Esther Perel's Rethinking Infidelity is a great book. I'm about half way through and she touched upon something called a love-lust split. About how one person in a relationship, after years of becoming emotionally involved and affectionate with them, stops seeing them as a sexual being as when the R began.
It's not a case of simply not being attracted to them in that way (as a WAS wouild see it); rather it's more like the LBS separating them, believing that is the right thing to do, and the mind gets stuck with that train of thought. There are lots of additional variables which cause it. This definitely happened to me.
I'd recommend the book to go into more detail on this.
One query
It's XW's birthday in a few weeks. Hers is exactly the same day as my elder sister's birthday.
What are people's views on sending a text? Nothing fancy, just a one sentence job. We haven't spoken in 3 months since D was finalised though, that's only why I hesitate...
In other news, GAL is going well. Bought a microphone to do some recording. Got back into playing an instrument I'd forgotten about for several years. Having a bit of fun every other day playing it. Work going very well. Exercise routine now regular part of the week. I tend to work out about 5-6 times a week for 30-45mins. Feel very good afterwards.
Watching a few new films/TV shows etc., getting into new things, reading more.
Feeling positive.
One query
It's XW's birthday in a few weeks. Hers is exactly the same day as my elder sister's birthday.
What are people's views on sending a text? Nothing fancy, just a one sentence job. We haven't spoken in 3 months since D was finalised though, that's only why I hesitate...
In other news, GAL is going well. Bought a microphone to do some recording. Got back into playing an instrument I'd forgotten about for several years. Having a bit of fun every other day playing it. Work going very well. Exercise routine now regular part of the week. I tend to work out about 5-6 times a week for 30-45mins. Feel very good afterwards.
Watching a few new films/TV shows etc., getting into new things, reading more.
Feeling positive.
One query
It's XW's birthday in a few weeks. Hers is exactly the same day as my elder sister's birthday.
What are people's views on sending a text? Nothing fancy, just a one sentence job. We haven't spoken in 3 months since D was finalised though, that's only why I hesitate...
In other news, GAL is going well. Bought a microphone to do some recording. Got back into playing an instrument I'd forgotten about for several years. Having a bit of fun every other day playing it. Work going very well. Exercise routine now regular part of the week. I tend to work out about 5-6 times a week for 30-45mins. Feel very good afterwards.
Watching a few new films/TV shows etc., getting into new things, reading more.
Feeling positive.
Hi DaB35,
I don’t see much harm putting out a tiny opening/feeler after three months of No Contact if no immediate response wouldn’t cause you to spin. It gives her an excuse to respond now or on the next major holiday. I would examine your motives—e.g., are you holding out for love, or would you accept friendship now?
Note, I say this in part because afaik your ex never cheated on you and wasn't mean-spirited or crazy. You also say you're moving on and maintained NC for three months--quite solid.
Dab, what would tell her you've moved on more? Sending the text or not sending the text?
DaB35, I am with Steve85 on this. GAL sounds good given the UK lockdown conditions.
dunnm,
You have been on moderation since August 2018 because you have not created a thread of your own. Please create a thread so that we can assist you and become familiar w/your situation.
DaB35 sorry for the threadjack.
Job, the ship has sailed on my 'situation' back in early 2015, wish I had found this site back then.
I come here, almost daily, to ensure my new relationship (since Aug 2018) doesn't go the same way. I beleive many of the techniques in DB are applicable to maintaining my current wonderful relationship. Reading the great advice here from LH19, Steve85, AS, Sandy et al helps me focus on what I need to do to prevent this ship sailing.
So in summary, I hope and pray I never have to start a thread.
And finally thank you to the Vets, yourself & Cadet for your tireless dedication to helping the lives of people you have never met. For many posters this is the worst time of their lives and you guys are here day in day out being a rock for them.
Reading the great advice here from LH19, Steve85, AS, Sandy et al helps me focus on what I need to do to prevent this ship sailing.
So in summary, I hope and pray I never have to start a thread.
And finally thank you to the Vets, yourself & Cadet for your tireless dedication to helping the lives of people you have never met. For many posters this is the worst time of their lives and you guys are here day in day out being a rock for them.
D,
I think its great you come here to be proactive in your current relationship and I am glad you it helps you.
I juts want to remind newbies that each poster has their own opinion and style on the way they deliver their opinion. I tend to be straight to the point w/o blowing sunshine up anyone's a$$ based on information that I have learned from various sources over the last five years. Some posters I good at validating in the advice they give. The advice giving is meant to help you in your situation and is never meant to hurt you in anyway. Most of the time in the moment you cannot see the forest within the trees but months/years down the road you will understand why you were given that advice at the time.
Dab, what would tell her you've moved on more? Sending the text or not sending the text?
I see why that would be a very good stance to take. I agree not reaching out whatsoever reminds her that I'm no longer there (her choice, not mine) and I'm not a Plan B. It shows strength on my part to do such a thing: she chose to end the M, sell the house and make us both financially worse off for the next few years, and she chose D. As a result, I've done so much work that she and many others are unaware of, and my not contacting her at all would speak volumes and show her that's what the consequence of her choice is.
I have expressed regret at my weakness during the start of the S and D process. Reading on here the simple stance of "I don't want a D but if that's what you want I won't stand in your way, but I won't help you" was eye-opening. I sometimes wonder what could have happened differently had I possessed more courage and confidence in general and been a bit more alpha.
I still maintain that she was pushed and coerced into doing this by others because she was, understandably, totally shaken by everything. It was like she got PTSD, and I hate that I caused that. I have the remorse and it'll be locked up in a little corner of my brain for evermore. I was in the wrong but I've owned it all, and identified where I slipped up, the traits I carried that exacerbated my problems, and what I had expected from a relationship.
I don’t see much harm putting out a tiny opening/feeler after three months of NC if no immediate response wouldn’t cause you to spin. It gives her an excuse to respond now or on the next major holiday. I would examine your motives—e.g., are you holding out for love, or would you accept friendship now?
Conversely, I also agree with this, along with the caveat!
Motive - I have not thought about it further than 'I hope she has a nice birthday'.
I just feel it would be a pleasant thing to do. Keep it as short as possible. No update on me and what I’m up to, simply “Happy Birthday. Have a lovely day.” No kisses, no emojis, nothing more.
I haven't thought "maybe she'll miss me and ask to talk". I guess it’s to show her that I’m cool with being friends. After all, she made a big thing of saying that’s what she wants, that she cares about me a lot, and a friendship would mean a lot to her. Having said that, she hasn’t contacted me at all – but then it’s only been 3 months since D was made official, so I get that. I don’t know if others have again twisted her arm into simply cutting me out of her life completely. The positive thing is I have not thought about that until I’ve just typed this post! So I guess that means I feel detached if it hasn’t been in my head swirling around. That’s where the confusion comes I think.  
Either way, whatever I do will result in a long conversation between XW and her sister/mum. They will go round and round on the subject, repeating themselves for at least an hour, then come to a conclusion they reached after 5 minutes.
It doesn’t bother me what others say about me now - they are unaware of Me v.2.0, so I know whatever preconceptions they hold of me are wrong.
GAL-wise - I'm up to 20x3 press-ups a day now! Still managing about 30-45mins each time, and I combine it with a bit of yoga too. This week today is my day off. Also started a Youtube channel this week about my creative project work. A big thing would be that I'll force myself to film myself talking to the camera discussing my interests. With my newfound confidence, this will be a major step forward for me to do such a thin, not to mention putting it out on Facebook for my friends to see.
In other news - I'm going to be an uncle! My sister announced she is pregnant and expecting early next year.
Some new houses are being built near where they are. I've put my name down for interest to see if I can afford a flat there perhaps. My mum for some reason is violently opposed to me getting a flat for some reason - I keep pointing out to her that I will need at least £120k as a deposit to get just a 2-bed house (in the UK house prices are just ridiculous) and I definitely don't have that! Unfortunately I cannot afford to rent; it's just too high.
I could up sticks and move way up north but I don't want to do that. I like my job, and I have my friends and work all based here.
It's XW's birthday today. I'm thinking I will text: "Happy Birthday. Have a great day." We have been fully NC for over 3 months since D.
I had thought maybe a shocking 180 would be for me to ignore her completely and not reach out. Last year, XW's birthday was right in the middle of our S; not good timing. I texted her and definitely pursued, saying I missed her etc. I regret doing that.
This year, I can see the argument for not contacting her today at all - hitting home the idea that I'm not in her life anymore - but I think after 3 months one two sentence text should be ok.
Would really appreciate any further thoughts on this.
Don’t do it mate.
You’re doing so well.
Your mum doesn’t want you to buy a flat because the capital growth is nowhere near as good
Hi DS, good to hear from you.
Hope life is treating you well.
Thanks - I do feel I am doing well!
I see what you mean. So you think that be a good 180 then - not contacting at all?
Thanks mate
I’ve been good. I’ll update on my thread but my reconnection with my old flame has seriously accelerated.
I think LH said it best about what message not sending the sms sends. Hold firm, let the birthday pass, don’t send anything 👍🏻
That's good news about the reconnection - must be quite exciting.
I guess I feel a pang of guilt as of course I have done *something* for her birthday for the past 9 years, the last being when S was in swing.
Not reaching out is a form of DBing then. She might be assuming I say something, and turns out I don't say anything at all. I expect if she then says to her friends "Well, do you know, he didn't say anything to me," they will force their views on her of, "OK he clearly doesn't care about you," "Better off without him," "That says it all," etc.
I suppose the subsequent aspect of this as a DBing technique would be to not let that affect me. I can't mindread, so all of that might not happen at all!
It's difficult since it's the same day as my sister's birthday, so that was always a nice talking point. XW would always forget when my birthday was however - she got the right month but regularly would get the date wrong!
Best to keep GALing and know that it's her loss.
OK, It's 9pm here in the UK.
I haven't texted. I decided not to. If I do it tonight, that's way too late and would defnitely feel forced/contrived.
My sister did text XW this afternoon. I'm fine with that.
Gotta be honest - I feel about 20% anxious that I haven't said anything to her. Having thought about it - this is a good way to show her 'this is what you wanted', and 'I'm not in your life anymore because you didn't want me'. Not in a passive aggressive way, because it's not like I have been pursuing sporadically or trying to reach out constantly and got no response. I'm just continuing NC that has been in place fully for the last 13/14 weeks. Neither of us have budged on that. But this is a big thing for me. A definite 180. Previously, old me would absolutely be pursuing. Probably would have got her a present and had it posted to her brother's house etc. Didn't do any of that this time.
I think she may feel sad, maybe angry, that I haven't contacted her. She might be moaning about that to others right now. Or she wouldn't have thought about me at all. I've no idea. I think that's the point. I don't know, and that doesn't matter.
I've been telling myself today: the lighthouse doesn't go to the ships; it's the other way round.
Just ordered a load of video equipment to get to grips with for my Youtube channel! Exciting times.
Hi Dab35,
re: Them speaking ill of you, sounds like a "Send to a fiery pit if you do, send to a fiery pit if you don't" situation. I may have been a lone voice saying sending it doesn't sound harmful, but not sending it also sounds okay. Tough day. I'm glad you're still on a good track and starting a YouTube channel! That's on my ToDo list, too. I hope you get many viewers! I can't wait to hear your next GAL update.
Thanks CW. Yes it was tough, but I feel not saying anything was something in itself, and sent a strong message.
My sister disagrees and says I should have reached out, and that I might be overthinking it. I don’t feel that way though. Whatever XW feels about my NC, I won’t ever know and nobody will tell me.
But it’s done now. I can let tomorrow roll on and continue to GAL.
I figure: XW only has to take a glance at me, or hear from others about what I’m up to, to see my drastically changed behaviour, that I have worked damn hard and improved for me and me only, am reaping those benefits, and see a way more confident man, who is fitter, carries himself better, and less stressed. I’m not being v.2 just for her. My self respect is much higher these days.
Had a best friend drop by today, on my day off from work. He’s setting himself up as a tradesman and had lots of queries to ask me about how it works, how he pays tax, etc. Was nice to see him. He was round for a good few hours, socially distanced of course.
He said he had texted my XW on her birthday last week but she didn’t respond. He then called her and she said “I can’t talk now, I’m in the park with friends.” Apparently she went with one person and a few others had showed up as a surprise. I said that was odd she fobbed him off like that. There’s no reason for her to ignore him. She even met him before she met me.
He asked how I was doing and I said things were going well with exercise and work, studying, hobbies etc. I do feel so much more confident. My view is that XW is simply justifying her decisions to her friends and family, by rubbishing me, presumably saying she’s happier now etc., even though she gave up a nice life. You know what? That’s fine - they, and she, have no idea of the amount of work I’ve put into my life since last year. She was very much going down the black and white opinion “Too little too late. You’re only doing this because you got caught.” You couldn’t explain things further with her. So stubborn. In a way I am glad I didn’t text her on her birthday.
I remember this time a year ago things were so up and down. Travelling a 90 mile round trip every few days to our house to see XW. Staying til 2 or 3am then driving back. Being totally exhausted at work. She would text ‘Hope you got home ok sweetie.’ Then, most confusingly, ‘I feel so guilty lying to my family about how much time we’re spending with each other.’ She had me on a hook, maybe not actively thinking that, but I ran to her if she showed the slightest bit of softening. Now I look back and wish I was stronger. I don’t understand why she ran away to her sister; even now my sister thinks that was a silly thing to do.
I believe I’ve sorted out my problems. I know this because recently I haven’t been feeling like I need to really address anything. Just keeping up the good work, and enjoying feeling less stressed, certainly not depressed. I wasn’t feeling that way because of XW, but I’d got entrenched in that way of thinking because of the pressures I’d put myself under to please her. In doing that, I ended up hurting her. But now, I get on with my own stuff. I have lots to do and feel positive.
The only negative thing is the fear I won’t find a nice place to live of my own. Just cannot afford anything. Cant even afford to rent. I try to squirrel away as much as I possibly can in savings, even though it’s nowhere near enough. But I try not to dwell too much on it.
I’ve enjoyed my random day off work so far. Might wash the car in the evening when it’s cooled down.
DaB35, firstly re house prices always imagined you living merseyside ish, dont know why and a v. quick skim of your posts yields nothing.
Next, 2x4s, read that last post again. I don't give a s£€$ about your ex wife, that is yesterdays news. I now follow your thread now to learn of your continued growth. I know you are only 12 ish months in but really the first half of that post is newcomer c£€$.
You are better than this and better than her. Detach.
Keep strong and live for now.
Oh the sweet taste of thick 2x4s...!
Thanks D!
I get it, I do. Sometimes I have these thoughts and feel better for writing them down. Maybe next time I just think them and leave it. THink of the big STOP sign like in the DR book.
I'm from 'darn sarth' as some say. Home Counties. Won't say exactly where to avoid giving too much away.
Yes we are 4 months D'd.
Enjoyed today. Did a 'quick' wash of the car this evening, not a full detail (which took me 4 hours!). This only took about an hour. Rinse, pre-wash, rinse, wash, rinse, dry, wax. Once you've bought the stuff, detailing is cheap hobby - for me anyway...I know others can easily spend thousands on top of the range pressure washers and so on!
Worked on some stuff for my YouTube channel. Getting some script outlines for a couple of vids sorted. Batch recording is something I've read up on to make things easier; film 2 or 3 vids in one day. Then you can spend a few weeks editing them and be chilled about releasing them. Might have a go recording this weekend. Need to order one of those pop-up backdrop things so I can just plonk that up against a wall and talk in front of that.
This will be a huge deal for me - I hate having my photo taken, so filming myself talking to a camera alone will be a massive additional step of increased confidence. And this time, it's something I want to do, rather than shying away from it. I bough a tripod and mount for my iPad and a decent external microphone, so I guess I have to use them now!!
Friend messaged me later this evening saying how grateful he was for my help earlier today. My sister and her H popped round with their dog on their way home from visiting a friend. I feel a bit closer to my BIL now, which is good; we had a little chat outside whilst I was drying the car.
It's nice because I feel more able to just talk to men about "life", something that I was always quite nervous about, as opposed ot talking about work only say. Might come from my dad - he has literally no male friends, and never calls anyone. Reading NMMNG definitely helped. I dip into it now and again occasionally. When I do, I listen to what 'should' be done and think "yes I'm doing that stuff now".
Up to 60 sit ups and 70-75 press-ups a day now (well 6 times a week anyway).
Checking in as haven't been able to get online much.
YouTube channel is going well. 4 vids now and views slowly climbing. Nothing stratospheric but I'm happy that people are viewing, liking, and commenting, so that's good. Working on a more substantial one at the moment which has taken two weeks so far. I've invested in extra stuff for my microphone like pop filters and so on. Been interesting learning about editing audio to create that 'clean' voiceover sound you need for YouTube.
My sister has confirmed her bump is a boy, so I will have a nephew. Due in late December/early January. I think she really wanted a girl but she's still happy.
I would be lying if I said XW has never entered my head recently .There will always be a litle thing that reminds me - something on TV, a smell, a song, food, seeing something funny and being unable to laugh together about it, whatever. I read one quote - can't remember where - which I think is quite poignant (think it might even be from Dr Suess): "Don't cry that it's over. Smile because it happened." What I've learned in the past 12 months or so (including the wise words people have given me here) is still relevant now. I have felt like a new person for some time now. I have never had this much confidence before.
Still using Audible regularly. Getting in podcasts too; one series I'm very interested in is 'Movies by Minute' where they analyse a film one minute at a time and a special guest will come in for 4/5 episodes at a time, and they'll discuss the plot, character motivations, camera work, trivia about the movie, etc. It's great. Noticed several of my fave films on the list so I've got plenty to listen to when I'm at work.
Haven't been able to move out of my parents' house yet. Just not enough funds! But I'm doing well at saving so I'm not getting myself down about it - just looking forward and keeping busy. I'm of the opinion that 'it will happen', rather than 'it must happen now', which is helping and not stressing me out.
Work is going well; my job really helped me through everything that happened last year (and also through Covid). I'm one of the lucky ones who hasn't lost their employment and as a (smallish) company we're pretty stable. Studying is going well too.
Exercise-wise I'm really seeing benefits now. Achieving 90 sit-ups (30x3) each time, 3x25 press-ups, and then I do a mixture of other exercises (usually 3x12) focussing on arms, abs or legs as appropriate. Not seeking a bodybuilder physique at all; but am definitely pleased with the much more defined 'ridges' as I continue to stick at it!
Anyway, hope everyone is keeping well.
Hi DaB, I have followed your sitch for a while, you are doing great. Your ex left so quickly, and it takes time to heal whether you get Ded immediately or after several years. I will say that it's taken 18 months for me to heal enough to date again and to feel ok about letting my H go. Some people take more, some less, but it does take time. It might still be early days for you, and you are doing all the right things here. Keep it up!
Hi Dillydaf, thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate your following my threads.
Yes she did leave so quickly. Thinking about it, she runs away from problems a lot. In all previous relationships she’s had, when things got a bit tough, she just dumped them. She’d rather quit something and not fix it, because she doesn’t seem to want to ever put the effort in. She doesn’t like complex explanations either - she refused to believe any explanation other than a simple ‘he doesn’t care about you, that’s it.’ Long standing factors or things that might have been going on in my head from before we met - no, they were irrelevant as far as she was concerned.
I found a blog that really helped me whilst I was going through therapy, and I found myself nodding along to lots of text on that blog. I still read it from time to time as a way of keeping a positive attitude.
As you say, I’ll just keep it all up! It’s not even hard to maintain the good work I am doing now. It’s become quite natural.
Had a very tiring weekend - my friend came round to build a wall for my parents' front garden, and also sort out some paving slab steps leading down the driveway. I helped. I spent most of the weekend lugging 20kg bags of mortar around ,and mixing it by hand with a large shovel. I haven't needed to do my exercises for 3 days as it's felt like I have done a very intense workout!
Old me would have been really scared, but I just leapt in and did it. Didn't really get concerned that I'd do it wrong, which what I've always grown up with; always feeling like I'd fail things, however minor and insignificant. But I just goto n with it and enjoyed it in a funny sort of way, believe it or not! Was satisfying finishing this evening.
It's my birthday tomorrow - 37. I feel good and have never really looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked handsome until recently. Just having a takeaway with my parents, and my sister and her H (and dog) will come over in the evening too.
Big YoUTube video will go up this week; very pleased with it! 40mins long almost.
Checking in briefly. Been so busy!
Studying is going well; did a mock exam and passed that comfortably. Real thing in November - feeling on track for it, so that's good.
YouTube stuff is slowly getting out there. Not millions of views, but I'm not really chasing that; just putting out things I'm interested in. Getting some nice feedback from associated FB groups where I'm posting links to my stuff. Nice confidence boost every now and then.
Other sideline work is progressing too; nice to do it in the evenings or weekends and chill out to do something like that.
Worked on the car this morning - cleaned the wheels thoroughly. I can also admire my work from my bedroom window which is nice!
Exercise is maintained steadily. Feel good about life generally.
Have a good week everyone.
Journal
Been doing a lot of reading (well, Audible-ing) lately, mainly on communication and just being happy and positive in general. Really helping. I'm finding I'm already doing certain things that are cited as good suggestions.
One thing that I have done a bit of reading up on is narcisissm. I have seen the term used on her occasionally, but have never read up on it. I don't believe I am a full on 'narc' but some traits of NGS do suggest it; mainly the infrequent passive aggression. Then it suddenly dawned on me. I think my mum is a bit of a narcissist. She never takes responsibility for anything, and if something goes wrong it's always someone else's fault rather than possibly being just a coincidence or bad luck. She guilts me and my sister when we do things she disapproves of (classic example for her: selling something we used to own ten years ago but we no longer require it and want to make a bit of cash. She is a hoarder). She expects us to be perfect all the time and shows us off (when we were younger, whenever they had a party, I'd be forced to play the piano in front of everyone, which I hated). She is totally dependent on my dad for everything (who is definitely NGS and totally passive) and never takes any advice that my sister and I give regarding her health. She doesn't like us implying she's doing things wrong.
XW's friends were quite narcissistic to a degree too. Inflated egos. Unreliable when we'd try to organise events. Putting her down - she'd always complain "they always make me the butt of the joke." Yet she'd just continue hang out with them as they'd been friends since they were 7 years old. One even threatened to cancel XW's hen do about a fortnight before it happened. Crazy.
XW had some similar traits - shaming others (including me) about mistakes, overly competitive, tantrums, criticising others and rarely seeing positives. Her family generally were very happy to dole out criticisms - "that's not funny", "that's a bit rubbish", "I didn't like that", "she's a bit mental", "they look terrible" - but then when it's directed at them they don't like it - "oh what a shame you think that", "no that's rubbish!", "how dare you say that". They are heavily dependent on confirmation bias too. Rarely look at both sides of an argument or point.
Also realised that sadly I think XW has a somewhat toxic relationship with her sister. Explains the dynamic between them. Her sis was horrible to her when they were kids, ridiculing her in front of her own friends, then as adults she's been very controlling and manipulative, and all the time XW wants to appease her. She moved 200 miles away and for years was trying to convince us to move ten minutes up the road from her, forgetting that there were no jobs where they live. She would spend hours on the internet looking at houses completely out of our budget and show them to us and say "This one's nice" and plan out what each room would be used for. When we looked round the house we eventually bought, her sis had a big issue with the square footage of the house. "Oh, that's too small. You need a bigger one." Then a few hours later, XW worriedly said to me, "Do you think we should buy the bigger house? [Sis] said it has more square feet." I said "No, because it's 30k more, and we both said we liked the layout of this one!" After about 20 minutes of going round and round this point, she then agreed with me.
When she came to stay at the house we bought, she walked into my study and immediately said "This would be a good baby room." XW and I had both said repeatedly for years that we didn't want kids. Yet, during S, XW brought up kids - suddenly it was entirely my 'fault' that we didn't have kids because "I was so against it." I knew that was her sis manipulating her as XW ran away to her house for 3 weeks. Her sis is jealous of XW being an aunty; her life is boring by comparison. She has been controlled by her H's desire to further his career; they've hopped around the country for years as he changes jobs and she's been a housewife, whilst XW set up businesses and developed skills and learned things. He even forbid her from going to XW's hen do for money reasons because they were going on holiday later in the year (yes you read that right).
Perhaps XW still feels like she has to prove something to her sis still, and be 'accepted' somehow. She has always been very susceptible to peer pressure.
I felt sorry for her. Shame that we didn't discuss this in MC. She is a bit of quitter in general: when things get tough, she runs away, destroys things, has a tantrum, gives up. I've seen her do it a lot. I never thought she'd do it with our M though. Funnily enough, when the opportunity to have MC came (I even offered to pay for it), she never took it. The problems between us could have been resolved, I believe. A lot of people who have spoken to both of us over the last year or so agree with me. It essentially boiled down to a combination of communciation, unmatched love languages, and attitudes. I was willing to put the work in; she wasn't.
[Don't worry everyone - 2x4 self hit occuring...now!]
I also read about "avoidant personality" traits. This was definitely me. A fear of being embarrased.
Why I never took risks in life, never tried anything new; I always feared I'd mess up and embarrass myself in front of others.
Why I never spoke out in discussions, for fear of my opinion being rubbished or mocked.
Why I never opened up for fear of being laughed at.
Extreme self-awareness and feeling very sensitive when people would just say, "Oh you're just shy aren't ya?" Constantly feeling inferior, a lesser person. All through my teenage years, college, adult life.
Silly things too; say I would be in a queue in a supermarket and a group of girls were behind me, if they started laughing I instantly thought, "Oh, they're laughing at me, something about the way I look, my clothes, my shoes, what I've bought." 100% that was never the case. But I really thought it was at the time.
Now, I think back to that old me, and realise how far I've come. I went for a walk yesterday and had a conversation with a complete stranger. They were picking berries. We talked for a good 5 minutes. I felt good afterwards.
Gym going very well. Definitely seeing some biceps now! Working on my diet and upping the protein/carbs appropriately - doing intermittent fasting, having all my meals within 12 hours too. That feels amazing. I'm not snacking anymore, feel less tired, sleep better and wake up more alert. I do yoga stretches every other evening before/during exercies too, which helps.
I find I'm making more effort to engage more in conversations with people at work. I'm even cracking a few more jokes and making people laugh more in the office which is a good feeling. I walk around more confidently. I'm also making more effort to keep in touch with people. I'm having a catch up on FaceTime with my old flatmate from college this weekend. Haven't seen him in 2 years.
YouTube channel is going well; I've been sharing my vids on a few Facebook groups related to my topic and getting some nice comments. Someone simply said, "You sir, are awesome." Wow - Never had a complete stranger compliment my creative work like that before! Now at a massive 15 subscribers! I'm happy with that for 2 months' work. Also thinking about crowdfunding or Kickstarter for a new project too. Trying new things is good.
Me v.2 is definitely in operation!
D, sounds like you're doing awesome, nice work! My dad was an extreme narcissist. I (like you) did not really realize what one was or identify him as such until coming here and doing all of the research that this path led me on. I also recognized some of those traits in myself and have largely removed them. I still have to gutcheck myself now and then, but just being aware of the issues does help us to address them. I think that's the biggest difference between a narcissist and a "nice guy" is the nice guy is willing to change and is often unaware of the harm their behavior causes until they learn more about it, whereas a narcissist just thinks they are right and the world is wrong and the world needs to bend to their will. I am not aware of a hardcore narcissist ever changing and I've known a few!
Keep up the great work at the gym and loosening up with people!
Hi AS, thanks for your comment - it means a lot! Hope you are well.
I totally get the whole 'not knowing about' it until I was on here and subsequently spent time looking into it. It's eye-opening when you realise some traits were in your personality, but from a stage of learning and willingness to change that's half the battle of just cutting those traits out once you're aware of them. It feels great doesn't it - like you're lighter somehow.
Yes I hear what you're saying about nice guys wanting to change. Some don't of course, but I believe I'm in the 'want to change' camp.
Realised that I need to up my intake even more. I've realised I'm undereating by a few calories after having spoken to someone at the gym and done some macro calculators online. Hopefully once I rectify that , it'll reap even more rewards. Just getting back into using all the machines after lockdown - I had to reduce the weights when I first went back slightly as I didn't want to injure myself - but gradually increasing now after having gone more regularly.
Had an hour long chat with my old college friend. Didn't talk about XW. Just talked about our lives in the present, jobs, hobbies, etc. I made a real effort to listen and react more in the conversation and it was much more enjoyable; there were no lulls in the conversation at all.
Actually doing facetime was a first for me. I never did it because, due to avoidant personality traits, I was afraid of having my likeness on the screen for such a long time. I just forgot I was there yesterday. Feel so much more active in my head in a good way. Definitely low stress now. I think back even two/three years ago when I had alopecia in my beard and psoriasis. I'd never felt stress before at school/college so didn't know what it was. Then when I thought about my ailments, that obviously made me more stressed and made it worse! So glad I'm out of that rut.
Making some time to chill out too. I've just taken random days off work to the end of the year. I have planned to do things some days like a deep clean of my car's interior or visit a relative, but other days i'm just going to relax completely, go for a walk, phone off, computer off, iPad off, yoga/stretching, books and music only.
If anyone hasn't read them, I'd strongly recommend I Hear You by Michael Sorenson. About halfway through. Really eye-opening. May need to listen to it a lot to help it sink in.
I applied some knowledge this week at work. We had some difficulty with some part of a project and I involved another manager to give me a bit of help. My boss then wondered why he hadn't been consulted on it and why I'd involved the other manager; basically I should have gone to him straight with a query instead. Normally I'd panic at an email like that, and be fluffing a response to him verbally. But I took a deep breath, and 30 mins later sent a very simple 3 section reply: what I did & why, in 2 sentences; acknowledged that I didn't consider a particular process; then proposed a solution. My boss wrote back "That's ok. I understand. Good that the work is nearly complete. I'm satisfied you've looked into the issue very carefully." All sorted!
I also got highly praised by both my boss and line manager at our weekly team meeting on Monday. Totally unexpected. Massive boost. I thanked them in front of everyone. Yesterday one of my colleagues in our office said, "Have you had a pay review yet? You should - you basically run parts of this company!" and we laughed.
I'm feeling more alpha, but "good" alpha.
Discovered an absolutely amazing band this week - The Midnight. They're 'retrowave' - synthy pop, full-on analog 80s style stuff but they are active now. If you haven't heard them, definitely give them a try!
DaB35, good to hear your updates and your progress inspite of Covid. Keep working at it, said it before but worth saying again Mrs DaB35 II is going to be one lucky person.
I will check out Michael Sorenson because I really do need some help at work with my new Italian boss (mattrix management), she really is a piece of work, struggle to apply what this site has taught me - validate validate dont discuss validate.
Keeping within the site rules can you give a clue to YouTube channel?
Thanks dunnm.
Yes validation is hard to do - it's not intuitive, but it'll become more so with practice. I tried it towards the end of last week when I went out with a best mate for dinner. We just chatted and I did my best to validate when he was talking about some problems with his GF. The Sorenson book is good as it gives lots of examples and also gives examples of what NOT to say too, which is very helpful.
The channel is music-based. Essentially the main gist is I take a clip of something - usually someone talking, or a meme - and work out the rhythm/pitch of what they're saying, turn it into a melody, and create a short (classical) piece of music based on that melody. Currently I'm doing a set of short works for each character from a film; taking a well-known line they have and making something out of it. Planning on doing some voiceover vids where I analyse certain aspects of pieces, or discuss other matters. Trying to keep it vague on purpose of course seeing as anyone can technically find this page!
Had a go at cooking a few things this weekend. Protein brownies and coconut rice pudding (not at the same time!). Gym as well this week has gone well - upping weights gradually now so hopefully will progress further with that as the weeks go by.
Very busy overall.
Little update.
Gym is going well. I’m going about five times a week, and have also been doing a 20min abs workout at home every day for the past 15 days or so. Seeing some real progress now.
Work is fine - at home of course. Been given a small pay rise recently which was welcome. Studying is good; first exam in a fortnight. I’m passing the mock exams so far which is encouraging.
My best friend said he went to see XW as she wanted him to put up some lights and shelves in her new flat. He said somehow I got brought up in the conversation. He stuck up for me and said how well I was doing at the gym, working, more confidence, new hobbies like the YT channel etc. He said XW seemed annoyed that I’d ‘made an effort’. I wonder if she was actually annoyed because her friends and sister would’ve said things like “He’ll never change” or “He won’t take it seriously” constantly throughout S and after the D, when in fact I’ve done the complete opposite of that, without any influence from her or them.
Apparently XW started seeing someone at work. They got talking in March (our D was end of Feb!) and texted for weeks over lockdown. My friend said XW is apparently ‘unsure how she feels’ about this guy. However, he is essentially very similar to me, which is interesting (same hair, same build, plays the same instrument, similar age).
Friend then suggested they go out for a bite to eat or drink as he hadn’t had time to get anything by then, but she said she was ‘tired’ - he said she didn’t look tired at all. I suspect as soon as he left she called her sister and had a thirty minute phone chat about me. Oh well! I keep thinking, it’s her loss.
Been reading up on lots of stuff too. Am recognising narcissistic traits in other people a bit more. Reading up on how to deal with it. There is a great YT channel on it too so I come to that occasionally. Another flag is someone who always prioritises their family/siblings’ opinions before their partner’s; XW did this in spades. I always felt out of the picture with her family, so whatever her sister said for example XW would just go along with, even if it inconvenienced both of us. She always feels she owes her family something and I always got the feeling she resented spending more time with my family somewhat. Shame we never talked this through in MC, as I feel it could’ve been easily resolved, but there we go. I can say that all the reading I’m doing is helping me be more empathetic in conversations and I contribute way more in a group.
Anyway, let’s get back on track. I feel life is very good. I feel very healthy. Watching what I’m eating. Getting much better sleep, around eight hours a night now. Skin and complexion looks better. I’m making more effort to dress better even if I don’t leave the house, as I have a better opinion about myself.
Haven’t done some detailing on the car for a bit, been too busy! At least it’s another thing to keep on the list when I find myself having a free weekend.
Hope everybody is well!
Little update.
Gym is going well. I’m going about five times a week, and have also been doing a 20min abs workout at home every day for the past 15 days or so. Seeing some real progress now.
Work is fine - at home of course. Been given a small pay rise recently which was welcome. Studying is good; first exam in a fortnight. I’m passing the mock exams so far which is encouraging.
My best friend said he went to see XW as she wanted him to put up some lights and shelves in her new flat. He said somehow I got brought up in the conversation. He stuck up for me and said how well I was doing at the gym, working, more confidence, new hobbies like the YT channel etc. He said XW seemed annoyed that I’d ‘made an effort’. I wonder if she was actually annoyed because her friends and sister would’ve said things like “He’ll never change” or “He won’t take it seriously” constantly throughout S and after the D, when in fact I’ve done the complete opposite of that, without any influence from her or them.
Apparently XW started seeing someone at work. They got talking in March (our D was end of Feb!) and texted for weeks over lockdown. My friend said XW is apparently ‘unsure how she feels’ about this guy. However, he is essentially very similar to me, which is interesting (same hair, same build, plays the same instrument, similar age).
Friend then suggested they go out for a bite to eat or drink as he hadn’t had time to get anything by then, but she said she was ‘tired’ - he said she didn’t look tired at all. I suspect as soon as he left she called her sister and had a thirty minute phone chat about me. Oh well! I keep thinking, it’s her loss.
Been reading up on lots of stuff too. Am recognising narcissistic traits in other people a bit more. Reading up on how to deal with it. There is a great YT channel on it too so I come to that occasionally. Another flag is someone who always prioritises their family/siblings’ opinions before their partner’s; XW did this in spades. I always felt out of the picture with her family, so whatever her sister said for example XW would just go along with, even if it inconvenienced both of us. She always feels she owes her family something and I always got the feeling she resented spending more time with my family somewhat. Shame we never talked this through in MC, as I feel it could’ve been easily resolved, but there we go. I can say that all the reading I’m doing is helping me be more empathetic in conversations and I contribute way more in a group.
Anyway, let’s get back on track. I feel life is very good. I feel very healthy. Watching what I’m eating. Getting much better sleep, around eight hours a night now. Skin and complexion looks better. I’m making more effort to dress better even if I don’t leave the house, as I have a better opinion about myself.
Haven’t done some detailing on the car for a bit, been too busy! At least it’s another thing to keep on the list when I find myself having a free weekend.
Hope everybody is well!
Wow, that is a lot about her. How is your detachment coming along?
Gym is going well. I’m going about five times a week, and have also been doing a 20min abs workout at home every day for the past 15 days or so. Seeing some real progress now.
Work is fine - at home of course. Been given a small pay rise recently which was welcome. Studying is good; first exam in a fortnight. I’m passing the mock exams so far which is encouraging.
Excellent! Sounds like things are going great!
He stuck up for me and said how well I was doing at the gym, working, more confidence, new hobbies like the YT channel etc. He said XW seemed annoyed that I’d ‘made an effort’.
Great, that's exactly what should be getting back to her. News about how awesome you're doing. As for her being annoyed, of course she is. She wants to hear that you are balled up in the corner of a room rocking and weeping uncontrollably over losing the greatness that is her. To hear that you seem to be doing great, probably while she is doing not-so-great, well it's not what she wants to hear. HER PROBLEM!
However, he is essentially very similar to me, which is interesting (same hair, same build, plays the same instrument, similar age).
Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? One of the topics he goes into is how we all have a "type". I like shorter women with curvy figures and sweet personalities. I have a buddy that favors women around 6' tall with some meat on their bones and sassy attitudes. If you attract someone enough to end up in a LTR with them then it's a safe bet that you are their "type" and it's very common that after a breakup that they pursue someone similar. Anyway the book makes an interesting point that after a breakup you still have a leg up on the competition because she already knows that you are her type. I think that's why so many WAS's end up pinging their exes way down the road. Dating is really hard to begin with, but going through all the random choices out there AND finding that someone that ticks all your boxes? Extremely difficult. So inevitably they circle back around to the person they already know is their type.
Anyway, let’s get back on track. I feel life is very good. I feel very healthy. Watching what I’m eating. Getting much better sleep, around eight hours a night now. Skin and complexion looks better. I’m making more effort to dress better even if I don’t leave the house, as I have a better opinion about myself.
Awesome, keep it up!
DaB35,
Gym is going well. I’m going about five times a week, and have also been doing a 20min abs workout at home every day for the past 15 days or so. Seeing some real progress now.
Work is fine - at home of course. Been given a small pay rise recently which was welcome. Studying is good; first exam in a fortnight. I’m passing the mock exams so far which is encouraging.
Great update! Glad to hear it.
My best friend said he went to see XW as she wanted him to put up some lights and shelves in her new flat. He said somehow I got brought up in the conversation. He stuck up for me and said how well I was doing at the gym, working, more confidence, new hobbies like the YT channel etc. He said XW seemed annoyed that I’d ‘made an effort’. I wonder if she was actually annoyed because her friends and sister would’ve said things like “He’ll never change” or “He won’t take it seriously” constantly throughout S and after the D, when in fact I’ve done the complete opposite of that, without any influence from her or them.
Why is your best friend visiting your XW and helping her around the house? Is it just me, or does that seem odd to anyone else? I wouldn't appreciate my close friends going to visit/hang out with my ex.
AnotherStander,
However, he is essentially very similar to me, which is interesting (same hair, same build, plays the same instrument, similar age).
Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? One of the topics he goes into is how we all have a "type". I like shorter women with curvy figures and sweet personalities. I have a buddy that favors women around 6' tall with some meat on their bones and sassy attitudes. If you attract someone enough to end up in a LTR with them then it's a safe bet that you are their "type" and it's very common that after a breakup that they pursue someone similar. Anyway the book makes an interesting point that after a breakup you still have a leg up on the competition because she already knows that you are her type. I think that's why so many WAS's end up pinging their exes way down the road. Dating is really hard to begin with, but going through all the random choices out there AND finding that someone that ticks all your boxes? Extremely difficult. So inevitably they circle back around to the person they already know is their type.
I haven't read the book - just ordered it. That said, I'm confused on your response...it seems most folks on here say the AP/OM is often
completely different than their spouses because they're fleeing what they think is the issue and getting as far away for it as possible (even if it's a fantasy). That's my case - both OM1/OM2 are
very different than me. Your thoughts here seem to be the opposite, unless I'm missing something.
Wow, that is a lot about her. How is your detachment coming along?
Thanks for checking in Steve. Yes I know what that all looks like! I feel more detached than I was in the spring; nowadays I'm not thinking about XW all the time. But I'm still reminded of her every so often in various ways: something on TV, a song, certain types of food, a joke, etc. I guess that's just part of the whole process. What I am doing now however is channeling that into positive things for myself rather than wallowing.
Great, that's exactly what should be getting back to her. News about how awesome you're doing. As for her being annoyed, of course she is. She wants to hear that you are balled up in the corner of a room rocking and weeping uncontrollably over losing the greatness that is her. To hear that you seem to be doing great, probably while she is doing not-so-great, well it's not what she wants to hear. HER PROBLEM!
Thanks AS. Yes I agree. I think it's the assumption that I'm crying still in a darkened room or not owned my problems, and to then find out that I've done a complete 180 and been successful at it is what annoyed her. Anyway, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and know that I've improved so much as a person. I've never been this confident or had this much positivity about myself before, ever.
Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? One of the topics he goes into is how we all have a "type". I like shorter women with curvy figures and sweet personalities. I have a buddy that favors women around 6' tall with some meat on their bones and sassy attitudes. If you attract someone enough to end up in a LTR with them then it's a safe bet that you are their "type" and it's very common that after a breakup that they pursue someone similar. Anyway the book makes an interesting point that after a breakup you still have a leg up on the competition because she already knows that you are her type. I think that's why so many WAS's end up pinging their exes way down the road. Dating is really hard to begin with, but going through all the random choices out there AND finding that someone that ticks all your boxes? Extremely difficult. So inevitably they circle back around to the person they already know is their type.
That's interesting. I will check that book out. That's a very intriguing concept.
Suddenly upto over 30 subscribers on my channel now; I tapped in to a couple of commnuities on Reddit and have had very good feedback on my stuff there, so yet another boost!
Nice update. Let your confidence flow through you and realize all your progress. Keep working and keep growing.
That said, I'm confused on your response...it seems most folks on here say the AP/OM is often completely different than their spouses because they're fleeing what they think is the issue and getting as far away for it as possible (even if it's a fantasy). That's my case - both OM1/OM2 are very different than me. Your thoughts here seem to be the opposite, unless I'm missing something.
Yes, they typically "affair down". The person they go after is usually someone lower on the scale than the LBS. Lousy job or no job, not attractive, lazy, dresses terribly. But what have they been lacking? ATTENTION, and if they affair down they find someone who readily lavishes attention on them because they're so happy to have someone out of their league. So they are jumping into a new relationship with someone who is not their usual "type", and as such the relationships typically don't last long. Once past the limerence phase they're back to looking for their "type" again. And there's that LBS, who has gotten their sh** together, is looking good, out there enjoying life, independent, dressing snappy, has lots of friends.... this is kind of the gist of DBing.
Little update. Been so busy, which can only be a good thing.
Work has been good, and got a pay rise a month ago. Studying for a higher qualification at work too, which is going well. Less stress overall and more confidence are helping me put the hours in.
Exercising is going well. I now do 75 push-ups of various types (3x25) each morning having gradually built that up over several weeks, an abs workout daily, then another specific workout five times a week (say chest/triceps on Monday, legs on Tuesday, etc.). Really nice to see progress there. Considering 18 months ago I hardly exercised at all, I feel I’ve covered lots of ground.
It’s been a tough year with D happening in February, losing the house, and then dealing with Covid like everyone else. However, I have definitely made so many improvements to my mindset and attitude that I had to take a step back recently and realise how far I’ve come since my first couple of threads on here. I was so nervous, afraid of communicating how I felt, and had a low opinion of myself for so many years, which led to problems. Now I feel that part of me no longer exists. I’ve learnt a lot about how I acted the way I did when I was younger and in my early adult life, and reasons that contributed to all that. The changes are going to be permanent as I’m enjoying them.
Single life at the moment is bright!
DaB35,
How is going? I assume you are still smashing life but it would be good if you could tell us just how good you are doing.
Thinking of you.
dunnm
Hi All,
Haven't been here for a while - lots on! Just checking in to give a positive update.
I got a promotion at work recently which means another pay rise. I passed my first exam to further my career at my job, which is good. I have two more planned leading up to summer, then hoping to do a third one in November. Work is going really well and I'm finding myself less anxious about potentially stressful situations; I get bothered a lot less and get on with my tasks whilst taking regular breaks.
I'm now an uncle - my sister gave birth towards the end of last year. We haven't been able to see the baby much - maybe two or three times briefly.
Exercise is going very well: I have biceps! And also a small six pack. Going to keep at it. I can now do 100 push ups a day.
I've also signed up to do a "virtual walk" - there are various things you can do all over the world, but I've gone for a walk from Land's End to John O'Groats. For the non-UK people that's basically walking the most southern part of the UK right up to the most northern bit of Scotland. About 1100 miles. I'm about 12% done according to the app. I've set myself a long deadline to complete it by (Autumn), so 2-4miles a day. Exercise and cycling counts towards it too. When the gym opens up again I will get back into the cycling/spin class. At the end of the journey you get a medal and T-shirt. Along the way, at every 10% marker achieved the organisaion plants a tree for you - a nice touch.
My Youtube channel is now over 110 subscribers which I never anticipated. I'm working on a long 30min info-vid at the mo, so learning about more editing software.
I've also devoured lots of info on investing money. I realised that I've been given terrible advice from my parents and never made my money work for me. My dad will think nothing of leaving £15k in a basic current account with no interest. I got an hour's free consultation with a financial advisor last month who helped me put together a plan for the next year; stuff like increasing my work pension payments, investing in stocks, moving my money into better savings accounts, etc. It's been really interesting and I feel empowered when I check something, do my research, and make a decision.
I still have a problem with a dry scalp. I'm going to book a doctor appointment soon and get referred to a dermotologist. It's not itchy any more which is great; but it's still annoying. I will not put up with it any longer! I am considering doing a blood test too to check if I have any deficiencies at all.
I'm increasingly seeing the way my parents' way of bringing me up affected me. Only now when I've had time alone to reflect on things have I been able to evaluate it all. They haven't neglected me at all, but I'm sad that they didn't support me as much as I thought they did. I do try to better the situation but they're such hard work!
I feel really confident and content in general. I'm looking at just bettering myself even further and learning more skills. One thing I plan on doing is touching up the leather seats on my car. They're fine, just a bit 'dry' and cracked. I bought a restore kit and have watched a few vids on how to do it, so I'll tackle that when the weather warms up a bit in March.
Stay safe everyone.
Not to defend your dad, but I tend to be fairly risk adverse myself. I've been very blessed and do not have to worry about money, but I could have a lot more than I have if I was willing to take more of a risk. Putting 15k pounds (or $20k) in a basic account will not grow that money, but there is almost no risk of losing it either. I am not saying he is right and you are wrong, but I am saying that what he chooses isn't necessarily wrong either. It is all about what an individual chooses. In the U.S. I believe the market is way overvalued right now and that we are due for a 10-25% correction. I haven't followed the UK markets so the situation may be different.
Love the rest of your update! Keep up the good work.
Nice update.
You got some good advice to get started, tho I am not sure of the rules in your country.
Everyone has different perspectives.
Good luck!
Things are going great.
Channel up to nearly 200 subscribers. I did an info-vid and that really took off more than expected. Going to do more of those as people seem to like it. I won’t go into too much detail for fear of identifying me. One good outcome is someone has been in touch about possibly commissioning something from me off the back of my latest video, so things are looking up on that front too.
Exercise is progressing too. Finding it easier to get more protein in my diet now. Feel so much better and not snacking anymore.
One query I had is when lockdown restrictions are lifted, I think there’ll be certain people I come into contact with. What would be the best response to either of these types of people, just in case I bump not them in the near future?
1. Mutual friends of XW and I. Neutral, just express that they’re sad we split up, not taking sides.
2. Those who were closer to XW who might take a shot at me or a snide, passive aggression comment (‘Well you should’ve thought of that before you did [x]’). Less likely to one across them compared to those above admittedly, but I’m mindful of wanting to be able to respond with something that says I owned my issues, sorted them out, and am doing great. Is there anything better to say?
My sister is moving house so were gearing up to help move stuff later this month (I have a bigger car!).
Doing a big savings drive and it’s great watching my future house deposit build up. Really looking after my money and enjoying researching all the options.
Still finding time to chill, go for walks (just round the block for now of course), discover new music.
DaB, I found that listening and validating works wonders in almost any encounter. I've used it with coworkers, people at church, even the cashier at the store! So maybe try to remember to listen and validate. Especially, those in #1. Those in #2 probably won't take shots at you. But if they do, a simple "I understand you feel the need to blame me. However, I am in a hurry and need to go." And then leave. Trying to defend yourself or argue with them or make them see the truth is probably going to be an exercise in futility. So I would just move on.
Keep up the good work!
Hi All
Unexpected email from XW this afternoon. She has asked about her taxes. I used to do them for her when were were together as I work in finance. She realised she forgot to do a particular thing in her accounts, due the deadline being around the time D was being finalised. It's not a mistake, and makes no difference to anything; it's very minor. She's asked a simple question - it requires a 2 sentence answer.
She opened with "Hope you and the family are well." No animosity or demanding tone.
I haven't replied yet - it's 7.30pm in the UK here. My initial feeling is simply to say:
Hi XW
Yes, we're all very well thanks.
[answer question - couple of sentences & attach a file]
Have a good week
D
Other matter: I was contacted by the builders of our former house. XW had received a letter demanding some money from us both - apparently an outstanding debt relating to a communal service charge (I won't go into the details of it). They couldn't speak to her as my name was the listed contact (reason: my surname comes before XW's alphabetically). Anyway, after a few weeks waiting for them to provide more info, turns out we're due a refund; the 'debt' was an error. I'm waiting for someone at the company to contact me so I can give my bank info and receive my half of the refund.
Should I also inform XW in my reply? Or just ask the company to contact her directly - they have her new address - and leave it at that?
Life update -
Working on a new Youtube video - channel at over 250 subscribers. Really surprised!
Learning about investing and already making 'gains' - keeping it steady and cautious though
Gym going well - have got an updated workout & diet plan: I need to increase my calorie intake STILL!
Tried cooking a few things I haven't had before or not had in a very long time
Studying going very well - had exam last week, next one planned for summer
Making a bit of extra money selling stuff on ebay
Helped my sister and her H move house a few weeks ago. She had a baby boy at the tale end of last year - he's four months now, and their dog (miniature poodle) is very protective of him.
In talks with a publisher regarding a creative work of mine. I won't give any more info for fear of identifying me.
Hope everyone's doing great.
DaB,
I do not think there is a one-size fits all answer to your question. I think that it all depends what your future goals are with this woman. Are you still wanting a future R with this women? Or are you okay having her as a friend.
I just watched a video of the now late Tawny Kitaen. I was a child of the 80s and absolutely adored her. I saw a video this week of her talking about her parents' D, and how they remained friends until her mother died. They would get together with the kids with their separate SOs. Etc. Every situation is different.
Personally, in your case, I would want to have as little contact with the XW as possible. You have no kids, you have no mutual ties. I wouldn't want to be friends, so I would ignore her email. I would get my 1/2 of the refund and leave it to her and the company involved to get her 1/2. This is just me. I tried the "let's stay friends" with a longtime on-again, off-again GF and it just didn't work for me. I have plenty of friends, I didn't need an ex-flame for a friend.
If you are okay being pals, then by all means respond like a friend would, and then include the information about refund. But remember, this gains you no points. You should do it with no expectations. And if it in anyway sets back your detachment and moving forward then I would not respond. Personally, I would not want my XW for a tax customer.
Love your list! Keep up the good work!
I agree 100%. What I thought when I read your message--you want to be pals with your XW. There's nothing wrong with that. Actually, my ex-wife (10yrs later) just agreed (in principle) to hang out as friends. I don't mind if she gets a new BF. I have several XGF's, however, where more distance seems appropriate due to feelings, baggage, emotional problems, etc. In that case, no contact makes much more sense.
D,
I would respond but keep it 100% business.
Lol.
Steve is the king of detachment and CW is the king of compassion and neither want him to respond to a tax question.
How does that make them BFFs?
Are you still wanting a future R with this women? Or are you okay having her as a friend.
I haven't seen her for over 18 months. This is the first contact I've had from her since around October last year. I'd be fine having her as a friend. But then, I've managed without all this time since D...
I'm still amazed at the sheer amount of STUFF I'm able to accomplish in my own time, and not feel like I'm missing out by not being in a R or M.
Personally, I would not want my XW for a tax customer.
Haha - I know what you mean! It was infuriating explaining it all to her as she would always switch off after 20 seconds and shout "Boring!" *shakes head*
D,
I would respond but keep it 100% business.
I did this.
It was a four line email - I said hi, answered the question, and signed off politely. Didn't mention the refund. When they contact me I'll ask them to contact her and they can sort it out between themselves.
Love your list! Keep up the good work!
Absolutely!!!