Lockdown Limbo.

[Tusk]

Ok folks, been lurking for a while, finally decided to post. Dated 8 years, Married in 2010. no kids. Me 49, W 39.I Started coming to terms with childhood abuse from my Mother around 2015. Munchausen by proxy, beatings, gaslighting, covert sexual abuse yada yada yada. had been using weed to mask problems for years. Took wife for granted and ignored warning signs including possible EA.

I Started therapy Nov 2019, greatly improved my thoughts and quit weed. Got BD mid-Nov citing weed use and not feeling validated through a lack of dating and my unfilled potential "Death by a thousand cuts". I responded with some pleading to reconsider but ended with "I would rather we didn't but if that is what you want then so be it, I want to see you happy."

W moved out for a month, then moved back in "for a bit" she sleeps in the spare room, no physical contact. We spent Christmas together on friendly terms. I may have super-husbanded a bit and tried to organize a date mid-Jan, She Reiterated her desire to separate although wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but still had the intention of moving out and we discussed asset split. We continued to get on in friendly terms. Taking turns to cook and watching tv together in the evenings. I did not pursue, pressure or pine and got on with activities but have had problems sleeping.

Jan passed, Feb passed, March passed with me expecting her to move out at any moment and then the COVID hit. Just a lockdown was announced she told me that because of finances she would not move out until it ended and still wanted to Divorce. I had a touch of mild explaining but bookended it with" If that is what makes you happy then so be it". Since then we have spent every day in the house both working from home. We take turns cooking for each other I allow her to initiate 80% of the conversations I remain upbeat she laughs at my jokes. I Give her space and do not mention R.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Tusk]

From what ii have read on here in house separation is not recommended, I can understand why. What I have been mulling over is when estate agents get up and running again, I approach W with a line borrowed from Homer McDonald. " I would prefer our marriage to work, but you are right it's totally impossible. So I'll help you find an apartment and help you move out."
Thoughts?

[AnotherStander]

It sounds like you are doing pretty well with DB'ing, I take it you've read the book? I don't really see anything there that jumps out. You're in IC, you're giving her time and space, no R talks, keeping the road home paved and smooth, letting her talk while you listen. It all sounds good. Is there anything you need help with?

[AnotherStander]

From what ii have read on here in house separation is not recommended, I can understand why. What I have been mulling over is when estate agents get up and running again, I approach W with a line borrowed from Homer McDonald. " I would prefer our marriage to work, but you are right it's totally impossible. So I'll help you find an apartment and help you move out."
Thoughts?

If you like to read then after DR I would suggest "Love Must be Tough". Dobson talks about "opening the cage door" which is very much in line with DB'ing. Your W may perceive you as having been controlling and manipulating (even if you weren't). So if you try to force her in a certain direction, then that just looks like "more of the same" behavior to her. You've got to step back and let her choose what she wants to do. She's welcome to leave, she's welcome to stay. You'll support her decision either way. That needs to be your mantra. WAS's feel trapped in a cage, so you have to show them the cage door is open. If the door is open then sometimes they decide they don't need to leave after all.

Dobson's approach is along these lines- "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but I understand you don't want that. I will not stand in your way, regardless of whether you stay or go I will support and respect your decision." It's similar to McDonald's except without the demand that she move out.

[SteveLW]

Ok folks, been lurking for a while, finally decided to post. Dated 8 years, Married in 2010. no kids. Me 49, W 39.I Started coming to terms with childhood abuse from my Mother around 2015. Munchausen by proxy, beatings, gaslighting, covert sexual abuse yada yada yada. had been using weed to mask problems for years. Took wife for granted and ignored warning signs including possible EA.
I Started therapy Nov 2019, greatly improved my thoughts and quit weed. Got BD mid-Nov citing weed use and not feeling validated through a lack of dating and my unfilled potential "Death by a thousand cuts". I responded with some pleading to reconsider but ended with "I would rather we didn't but if that is what you want then so be it, I want to see you happy."
W moved out for a month, then moved back in "for a bit" she sleeps in the spare room, no physical contact. We spent Christmas together on friendly terms. I may have super-husbanded a bit and tried to organize a date mid-Jan, She Reiterated her desire to separate although wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but still had the intention of moving out and we discussed asset split. We continued to get on in friendly terms. Taking turns to cook and watching tv together in the evenings. I did not pursue, pressure or pine and got on with activities but have had problems sleeping.
Jan passed, Feb passed, March passed with me expecting her to move out at any moment and then the COVID hit. Just a lockdown was announced she told me that because of finances she would not move out until it ended and still wanted to Divorce. I had a touch of mild explaining but bookended it with" If that is what makes you happy then so be it". Since then we have spent every day in the house both working from home. We take turns cooking for each other I allow her to initiate 80% of the conversations I remain upbeat she laughs at my jokes. I Give her space and do not mention R.

This sounds like you are doing mostly the right things. I won't beat you up over the mild explaining, as you know based on your wording that it wasn't what you should do.

Here is the thing Tusk, you got a gift! The gift of time! So keep focusing on you. GAL (there are ways to do this even in lock down: workout, go for walks, read, stay busy and doing your own thing). 180 on bad behavior. You got a headstart on this already, keep it up. Become the best Tusk you can be. Life dealt you tough circumstances but your past doesn't define you unless you let it! You can move on from the past, or be stuck in it! Keep moving on from it!! And finally keep working on detachment. Get it closer to 100% of her initiating conversation. GAL above will help with that. When she cooks for you, thank her. When you cook, make what YOU want, and leave her some if she wants it. Stop making it a joint thing all the time.

Finally Tusk, you mention an EA.Where did she go when she left for a month? My guess? To OM's place. After a month it wasn't all puppy tails and rainbows, so she moved back. You likely have a Wayward Wife, not just a WAW. This means you need to watch for cake eating. She is sleeping in the guest room, good! She should. She is the one that wants to leave, do not cater to her.

So look at this lock down as a blessing in disguise. Yes it is painful, but it was painful the month she was gone too, wasn't it? Focus on you, become the best version of you that you can be. Become the man only a complete idiot would leave.

You've got this Tusk!

[SteveLW]

From what ii have read on here in house separation is not recommended, I can understand why. What I have been mulling over is when estate agents get up and running again, I approach W with a line borrowed from Homer McDonald. " I would prefer our marriage to work, but you are right it's totally impossible. So I'll help you find an apartment and help you move out."
Thoughts?

No. Let her make that decision. Look at IHS as the gift of time. I was IHS. It can work.

[Tusk]

If you like to read then after DR I would suggest "Love Must be Tough". Dobson talks about "opening the cage door" which is very much in line with DB'ing. Your W may perceive you as having been controlling and manipulating (even if you weren't). So if you try to force her in a certain direction, then that just looks like "more of the same" behavior to her. You've got to step back and let her choose what she wants to do. She's welcome to leave, she's welcome to stay. You'll support her decision either way. That needs to be your mantra. WAS's feel trapped in a cage, so you have to show them the cage door is open. If the door is open then sometimes they decide they don't need to leave after all.

Dobson's approach is along these lines- "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but I understand you don't want that. I will not stand in your way, regardless of whether you stay or go I will support and respect your decision." It's similar to McDonald's except without the demand that she move out.

Thank you Another Stander, yes I now think this would be a better approach/attitude. I do have it in my mind that she is free to go if she wants to but would love to have us work.

Here is the thing Tusk, you got a gift! The gift of time! So keep focusing on you. GAL (there are ways to do this even in lockdown: workout, go for walks, read, stay busy, and doing your own thing). 180 on bad behavior. You got a headstart on this already, keep it up. Become the best Tusk you can be. Life dealt you tough circumstances but your past doesn't define you unless you let it! You can move on from the past, or be stuck in it! Keep moving on from it!! And finally keep working on detachment. Get it closer to 100% of her initiating conversation. GAL above will help with that. When she cooks for you, thank her. When you cook, make what YOU want, and leave her some if she wants it. Stop making it a joint thing all the time.

Finally, Tusk, you mention an EA. Where did she go when she left for a month? My guess? To OM's place. After a month it wasn't all puppy tails and rainbows, so she moved back. You likely have a Wayward Wife, not just a WAW. This means you need to watch for cake eating. She is sleeping in the guest room, good! She should. She is the one that wants to leave, do not cater to her.

So look at this lockdown as a blessing in disguise. Yes it is painful, but it was painful the month she was gone too, wasn't it? Focus on you, become the best version of you that you can be. Become the man only a complete idiot would leave.

You've got this Tusk!

Thank you Steve85 I will implement your advice. With regards to where did she go during the month she was gone. She stayed with her sister and her husband and initiated contact with me a lot of the time while gone. She now has little or no contact with possible EA (he was a work colleague who moved to a new job) and known to be a serial flirt.

From what ii have read on here in house separation is not recommended, I can understand why. What I have been mulling over is when estate agents get up and running again, I approach W with a line borrowed from Homer McDonald. " I would prefer our marriage to work, but you are right it's totally impossible. So I'll help you find an apartment and help you move out."
Thoughts?

No. Let her make that decision. Look at IHS as the gift of time. I was IHS. It can work.

Yeah, you are right. I had half thought this might jolt her to change her mind.

[SteveLW]

Yeah, you are right. I had half thought this might jolt her to change her mind.

Glad to see you being honest with yourself about this. Be very careful with manipulation attempts. Many a LBS has done something like this only to push their WAS out of the door and into a D faster, then regretted it. We have a saying around here: When she wants to reconcile you will know. When she doesn't, you will be confused.

You won't have to look for it, it will be obvious if she wants to reconcile. So don't do anything except be the lighthouse! Let her come to you.

[Tusk]

I have spent the last week allowing W to initiate nearly all conversations. Days have consisted of me arising at 8 am and making a cup of tea for myself and W . W will arise about 8.45 and make coffee for both of us and breakfast then both of us will start working, me in the living room and W in a small office upstairs.

At around 11 W will make tea and tell me about her work. Around 1 she will normally make lunch, eat it in the living room and talk about her work. I will listen and validate her frustrations. She may share with me a couple of more times during the afternoon and then go for a walk. At some point, I will also Go out for a walk. Most evening meals are prepared by her, 5 out of 7.

Evenings We will both watch tv and chat about the COVID etc. With her going to bed around 10.30 I will stay up til 11.30
Normally waking around 4.30 when the mind Monkeys start Dancing.

All interactions are positive, she asks me my opinion on things. Sometimes To me she is acting as if nothing has happened apart from we no longer share a bed. It almost feels as if we are still in a relationship as man and wife. During the week she bought a new rug for the living room and yesterday took delivery of a new mattress for the bed she is sleeping on. I had a massive urge to say "why don't you just come and sleep in our room." But I didn't. I don't know why but the mattress thing threw me a bit.

I have been trying to detach by telling myself Well if you want to go it will be your loss.

[ovrrnbw]

AS and Steve gave you good advice. Now it is time to learn how to be more attractive and mysterious. You are falling too close to the friend zone.

Everything in your day is about her and her work and how y'all are interacting. What can you do to break your dependence on her and develop some new friends and/or hobbies?

In my neighborhood I would be golfing, tennis, running, fishing, joining different groups. And then I would going to local parks to run, read, fish, swim, walk. I would find new tv shows you like if you stay in, or new recipes, or new hobbies like woodworking or training your dog.

Read about attraction and seduction. Look for the big post from an old poster named "Coach" on this, or read about it elsewhere on the web.

Here is our collection of quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=62716&Number=2889136#Post2889136

[Tusk]

Cheers ovrnbw. I do feel that my postcode/Zip is FZ1 BLX. I find Myself in a position of trying to be someone only a fool would leave ( by being pleasant and upbeat when we interact) and trying to Detach then ending up completely confusticated.

Everything is still in lockdown here (may be fit to return to work next week, so will be fit to leave the house during the day, W has been told it may be a year. ) There is nowhere to go in the evenings. Should possibly do some evening walks or just make myself scarce in the house?

I have just got a bike and have spent the last two afternoons out with friends. My mind races from hope to despair. Sometimes I just want to sit her down and go "what are your actual plans? " Her parents Have been IHS for 30 years.

[Tusk]

Think I might need to calm down and persevere.

[ovrrnbw]

Tusk,

she may not know her actual plans. Give her time and space, but more importantly take the time and space for yourself.

When your mind races use the Stop Sign technique that MWD wrote in Divorce Remedy. It is great.

I'm not sure what the FZ1 BLX means though.

I think you can add in some more GAL and try new things or things that are so old they seem new.

[Tusk]

Hi, ovrrnbw ,
I was trying to be a smart ass FZ1 BLX would translate as Friendzone 1 B@llox ( could also be used as a number plate, this might make more sense to UK readers), Had seen some of the Coach stuff before but can't find the specific thread.

Since I last posted Lockdown has partially lifted and I am back working in town (I.T). It feels good to get more space and interact with other people. Estate agents have reopened so W has a renewed chance to move out.

Sitch with W remains stable, No arguments or blowups. She initiates 90 percent of conversations I validate and remain cool, calm and upbeat. No physical touch apart from accidental while passing cutlery. Part of me thinks that she is quite happy with the current set up( we have a nice house with a garden in a nice part of town)though I could be completely wrong and I am just mind-reading. Sometimes I feel like we are a polite mirror version of her parents who have been IHS for 30 years (they really don't get on) . I have noticed that she keeps quite a tight hold on her phone. Though So do I, due to reading this site. Which I have to say has kept me sane and stabilized.

found this quote from Steve85

"See I was a lot like you from Dec. 23, 2017, through about mid-February 2018. I had to have her. I had to have her stay. I felt I would die if she ended up leaving. Then something strange happened. I actually started to look at the possibilities if we did S and D. That, darn it, I am quite a catch myself. Any woman would be lucky to have a guy that was hardworking, kept himself in shape, cared about others, and that had values. Sure I would be sad at losing her, but my life would go on, I would thrive, and I would have endless possibilities at female companionship if that was something that I chose to pursue."

From about a week ago it nails pretty much how I am feeling (most, not all of the time). First of all, I thought "The gift of time " phrase that is used here was about saving the MR now I am beginning to realize it is about saving yourself.

This makes me both happy and sad. I keep resisting the urge to go " Listen we need to sit down and work out some sort of road map towards D.I.V.O.R.C.E."

I am split between, thinking I'm Calling her bluff, actually meaning it, and just wanting this Limbo to end. I have read somewhere around here that you should give it a year before such talk( i am only at 7 months) so I will adhere and STFU.

Tis a strange ship I sail in.

[SteveLW]

The timeline is up to you. One man's 1 year is another man's 7 months. We often tell LBSs that they can pull the plug anytime they'd like. It is as up to them as it is the LBS.

However, I would caution against the discussion. When you are ready to move forward you just go do it. Talking about it isn't going to help you, and can only hurt you.

And obviously only do it when you really mean it. Don't do it to call her bluff or just to end limbo. Many LBSs want out of limbo until the minute the limbo is over and S or D comes to fruition. So only go file/move it forward when you are ready to be divorced.

Otherwise, I'm liking this update a lot. Good progress on your part. Keep DBing!

[AlisonUK]

I have spent the last week allowing W to initiate nearly all conversations. Days have consisted of me arising at 8 am and making a cup of tea for myself and W . W will arise about 8.45 and make coffee for both of us and breakfast then both of us will start working, me in the living room and W in a small office upstairs.

At around 11 W will make tea and tell me about her work. Around 1 she will normally make lunch, eat it in the living room and talk about her work. I will listen and validate her frustrations. She may share with me a couple of more times during the afternoon and then go for a walk. At some point, I will also Go out for a walk. Most evening meals are prepared by her, 5 out of 7.

Are you both working roughly the same amount of hours in sedentary jobs? If so, what leaps out here at me (as a wife) is that the cooking is mainly on her. Is that something she's ever - ever ever ever - complained about? If so, a silent 180 might be to, without fanfare, expecting praise or excessive gratitude, make the cooking more of a 50/50 task.

[Tusk]

Hi Allison ,
Yes we both work roughly the same amount of hrs (w does earn more though) .The reason I mentioned that w is cooking 5 out of 7 meals is because for most of the time before in our M I would have been doing the majority of cooking, we did have some arguments in the past about this. It now feels strange that she is actually seeking out recipes and can cook really well and has found enjoyment in it. I genuinely praise her and thank her for each meal . Though Since that post it has drifted towards 50/50.
I am just trying not to look into deep to the turnaround in her behaviour.

What I was trying to bring across in that post was that on the one hand she says she wants a divorce but on the other She is being friendly , talkative, inquisitive and imaking me meals . Had me slightly confused at the time.

[AlisonUK]

Ah right, I see what you mean. And yes, if she enjoys it and the housework is otherwise equal, then just leave it as it is. Perhaps her taking on more of the cooking is a way for her to feel more independent and less dependent - if you used to look after her a bit more? Who knows. It sounds like you're doing all you can right now, hard as it is.

[Tusk]

HI Allison,
Now that you mention it I did have a brief thought a while back that she was cooking more in preparation for when she would be on her own .

HI Steve ,
Here in the UK, The proceedings of D in my sitch looks like it would involve a 2 year physical seperation before actual D (unless people lie about period of seperation on petition or claim unreasonable behaviour where there is none ) . I don't actually know.

Part of my mind process at the time of that that post were .I have picked up round here the DB coaches seem to advise LBS to concentrate on creating a strong friendship with WAS maby not so much WW .This Would seem to tie in with the Lighthouse principal.
Anyway I had also read from a board contributor (I think his name was Joe or maby it was Job) that even after he had built up a friendship with his wife doing activities together the only thing that worked was when he said "If you want to go, there is the door".

[Tusk]

HI, Sitch still similar. Have been back at work for 2 weeks . Better than being in lockdown.Spent a couple af days away with a friend last week though have not mentioned anything about my sitch to all but 2 people and on here. Was'nt really that keen on coming back to house.

Found guantor form from estate agent by accident(Oh she is leaving) but not sure if it was here from before lock down . W has bought table cloth for a Table she has said she hated looking at (Oh she is staying)

She remains on friendly terms ,Singing around the house, making me tea , sharing funnies and news stories on facebook . it really does feel sometimes that she has forgot that she has essentially ended the marriage .v v v confusing .Keep having to bite my tongue about asking her what are her plans . Both friends that know of sitch have said I should get her to move out . MWD stop sign keeps flashing in my head.

I feel that I have passed thru 3 stages in the last 7 months

1. Nooooooooooooooooo!
2. Well if that's what you want , so be it .
3 You still here?

Though I found a phrase on here the other day "compassionate indifference ' this describes my current mindset best.
IHS limbo is truly bonkers .

Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up next week .
What is DB protocol for such events ?
I am presuming ignore.

[Tusk]

Hi Folks , anyone got advice on how to Handle 10 Year wedding Anniversary. 7 months into IHS. Family members and friends have been making comments like "Oh coming up to ten years , you must have something special planned" I just smile and nod "yeah, yeah" and leave their company feeling very sad.

[Traveler]

Hi Tusk,

Anniversaries after BD can be tricky! If you celebrate the marriage or her as your partner, you're tone-deaf, like when you offered a date mid-January. If you ignore the anniversary entirely, you're a deadbeat.

The usual advice is "do nothing". But, she's there, treating you well, there's no OM, and this is a 10th.

I wouldn't try to win her over. I would seek to minimize damage. Can you give something small and thoughtful to celebrate your "years of friendship", without getting sappy or going overboard? E.g., no date, jewelry, chocolates, or red roses.. but maybe a photo album (light on romantic pics) or cooking her favorite restaurant meal for lunch (dinner screams "date!")?

[Tusk]

Hi Cwarrior,
thank you for reminding me about my failed date attempt. Had put that to the back of my mind ,did not go down as planned. She Db me again ,then we went to the cinema and watched David Copperfield (not a great movie regardless , for anyone that's interested)

.Yes she is treating me well though with the sword of damocles . Its weird because I hold no Ill will towards her. I am becoming a lot more detached as time goes on .

You are correct I should not to try win her over . As keeps getting mentioned round here she has sacked me as her husband so why should I keep ringing the office.

As I write this and reflect I believe any sort of gesture may be construed as manipulation.

Cheers.

[Spiral]

I would do nothing for your anniversary. Mine came and went without a word or a gesture from me. There was no comment from her about how I dealt with it. It's just easier that way and I think that anything else would make you look weak. Of course, I am one of those LBS's who pushed his spouse out the door and into a faster D.

-Spiral

[Tusk]

Calling Steve85, Calling Steve85...


I always wondered how you got over IHS. Just found this on The Drh2001 WW dropped S-bomb part 2 thread.

Drh, I like your attitude, very well done with your current approach. I am assuming she is not in the MBR? If it continues to be too stressful, at some point you might want to discuss with her accelerating her plan to move out. I'd even entertain asking her to leave since she is openly in a PA. That will do two things.

1) It will show her that you are ready to move on
2) It will make her put up or shut up

Do not underestimate the power of #2. I know in my own sitch, calling my W's bluff really made her stop and consider what she was doing. And it caused her to question how committed she really was to her walkaway plan.

BUT, do not do #2 with the expectation that it will wake her up. You have to be 100%, or close to it, sure you are ready to move on.

Do you remember What you actually said and how you approached The subject?

[Tusk]

BTW Steve sorry to hear you are having "one of those Days."

[SteveLW]

Calling Steve85, Calling Steve85...


I always wondered how you got over IHS. Just found this on The Drh2001 WW dropped S-bomb part 2 thread.

Drh, I like your attitude, very well done with your current approach. I am assuming she is not in the MBR? If it continues to be too stressful, at some point you might want to discuss with her accelerating her plan to move out. I'd even entertain asking her to leave since she is openly in a PA. That will do two things.

1) It will show her that you are ready to move on
2) It will make her put up or shut up

Do not underestimate the power of #2. I know in my own sitch, calling my W's bluff really made her stop and consider what she was doing. And it caused her to question how committed she really was to her walkaway plan.

BUT, do not do #2 with the expectation that it will wake her up. You have to be 100%, or close to it, sure you are ready to move on.

Do you remember What you actually said and how you approached The subject?

Hi Tusk. I need to qualify my advice here to Drh. Drh's situation was a lot different than mine. His W was in a PA, and was unabashed about it. My W was in an EA. His W's PA continued going on, my W's EA ended 2-3 weeks after BD.

Now, how your and my situations are similar. You have a W that has expressed a desire to leave, as mine did. Though yours left for a bit (mine never did), she is now back and IHS continues. I see she is sleeping a separate bedroom, so good job on not giving up the MBR. Mine talked about sleeping elsewhere, but I think she was afraid of my D's reaction to her making that move.

AS far as my post to Drh, related to #2, what I meant by that is I stopped resisting her. If you read my threads you will see that after a couple of days of begging, pleading, reasoning, and being down and sad, I remember DBing. My 2017 sitch was not our first. My W also had an EA in 2005. And I found MWD and DBing baack then. So after 2 days, I quit feeling sorry for myself, stopped trying to talk her out of what she was doing and started to embrace it.

- When we spoke I spoke from the viewpoint that her leaving was a forgone conclusion.
- I contacted a D lawyer and had consultation.
- I started discussing how and when we should tell our D.
- I GAL like a madman. I stayed busy. I reconnected with old friends. I got reenergized about old hobbies.
- I started working on myself. I was reading 3-4 books per month, combing online forums like these, I was watching youtube videos, listening to podcasts, consuming as much information about divorce, walk away spouses, and the processes involved as I could.
- I worked hard on detachment. Being present, upbeat, pleased, fulfilled around her. I stopped reacting emotionally (this was not perfect especially early on) to what she said and did.
- I started taking a stand for what I needed. I worked on my NGS (I had a mild case but a case none the less). I started to behave in ways that commanded respect, instead of verbally demanding it.

Tusk, here is the thing. It isn't what you say. It is what you DO! That is why GAL, 180s and detachment are so important. Because these are actions, not words.

As far as IHS, while it is not fun, you know better than me about how it compares to the WAW being gone. You said she was gone for a month then came back. Was that month any easier? Or did you still have to deal with a lot of the same things you did before? So many LBSs think that are in IHS think physical separation would be easier. And so many that are physically separated pine for having their WAS at home. It really is a "grass is always greener" proposition.

And also remember, that it is her home to. More than likely she has a legal right to be there just like you do. So while you may want to end IHS, you may not be able to short of lawyering up and getting the D process started. Even then, she wont' have to leave legaly until everything is final.

Not sure any of this helped. The TLDR version is this: you can't say anything or approach it in anyway. You are better off being patient and letting the process play itself out.

[Tusk]

Thank you Steve for getting back to me , much appreciated.
I have been letting my emotions get the better of me over the last days. A mixture of fear of starting again and fear of this lasting indefinitely tossed around with the urge to let her know that I want to get on with my life with or without her. Creating a giant anxiety Salad.
Your post has given me back perspective .

I have been Dbing solid now for three months and have totally not resisted or pressured.I have 180ed, GALed ,read , validated, listened ,watched and remained upbeat, Proto Dbing before that. Our interactions have been 99.9 percent positive .I do like having her around and yes the month she was away was not easy .Though Sometimes frustrared at lack of movement coupled with detachment ,I slip into "F#c# this mode " and think "I should just pull the pin and recover." I did once get photos together for OLD profile . I have not set any up though. On writing this I have no idea how practically this would work. I know it is not reccomended to date while seperated.


Patience, patience, patience...

[Tusk]

Well our 10th wedding anniversary passed without either of us acknowledging it . Although that morning I believe my w had tears in her eyes for a second. Due to the repressive nature of her upbringing and the complete distane her mother has for any emotional expression my w is good at hiding her feelings.

Interactions continue to be completely friendly most conversations iniated by w. 100% of texts and mobile calls initiated by w. I keep thinking if anyone was to observe our interactions at I was to tell them we are supposed to be getting divorced they wouldn't believe me . It also crosses my mind if this is what my w regards as a marriage that is broken down beyond repair I cannot wait to see the ecstasy filled relationship that my w thinks is out there.


I Am starting to believe that my w thinks that it is going to be ok for us to live as roommates and that I wont rock the boat. She told me back in March that she had looked at a couple of places but did not like them and appears to have not made any attempts since .She now orders a shopping delivery every week , Something she has never ever done before . As well as cook .

I have explained my sitch to a ex girlfriend of mine from years ago (Happily married) and she is pretty convinced that my w is trying to keep me sweet because of the nice house we live in .

I may have let myself fall into the friendzone a bit but I dont care , the longer this is going on the more detached I am becoming . I have absolutely no intention of being in a affectionless sexlexless marriage for the rest of my life, like her parents and am verging towards broaching the subject of how do we move this to the next level of actually finishing this . remember folks I live in UK and that requires physical seperation for 2 years . Thoughts?

[dunnm]

Firstly UK law, divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour has no timescale. Google UB examples basically a judge will accept almost anything. If your wife refuses to accept the UB reasons you just resubmit and add the fact she refuses th accept the UB reasons.

Secondly, do you really not know the above? Not really asking for a response here but is the 2 year thing some sort of safety net for you?

You are in the dreaded friend zone. You need to GAL GAL GAL. She doesn't value you as a sexual partner anymore. How are you going to change that? Answer GAL and work on you.

How are you GAL and working on you? A response to this is required, if not here then to yourself. If you write it down and make it public it becomes more real.

2 x 4s aside, routing for you, stay strong, you have got a much better chance than most on these boards but time for action is now.

[Gigi123]

Hey Tusk

Uk here too, im pretty sure you can still get D if living under the same roof, but u have to show the courts You have maintained separate lives.

H and i have been together 13 years and married for nearly 7, anniversary in september, we have only lived apart for 2 months, but we would struggle to prove that he have separate lives because of our finances, these are joint and 4 months since we are done convo, no discussions re this.

If you are serious i would consult the solicitor to get clarity.