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Posted By: LB55 No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/05/20 03:38 AM
Previous thread

Nothing much to update just starting a new thread. Same situation; been almost 18 months now since WW field for divorce. Trying to move with kids and doesnít want to finish our business. Legal battle to ensure I suspect.
Posted By: LB55 Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/05/20 03:43 AM
U- I do think a settlement is possible. Just not right now. Sheís gotten her way on everything thus far. She about to get a big old legal turd sandwich here in a couple days. Itís not gonna be pretty. Been withholding visitation because itís inconvenient to commute from BF house 90 mins away...so blames COVID and says I canít see the kids. I have two attorneys...one is a friend free of cost for advice and the other actually represents me. Both think we are going to destroy her in this contempt case. I havenít seen them kids in 5 weeks. Thatís what I am willing to go to court about. All day long.

I think once she sees the case against her she might change her tune on settling to avoid getting destroyed in court. Hard to say. A runaway train doesnít stop in a short distance unless itís derailed.
Posted By: unchien Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/05/20 08:09 PM
LB ~ Sounds like a good plan. I'm sure this is hard to go through, hang in there.
Posted By: LB55 Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/10/20 08:45 PM
Round and round the bush we go. Sends me her number for the value of the house. Appraisal not required if I accept the value. I say you can take it and we Iíll credit your side of the settlement for that amount. Now she needs an appraisal because itís not fair. Haha so dumb.

She has now decided I wonít see the kids unless I settle on her terms. I said Iíll see you in court. She will get served papers this week for a hearing about refusing visitation. I just want to see them. Financial settlement and time with my kids are not related from my perspective. Hopefully the judge has the same perspective.
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/11/20 03:26 PM
Quote
Round and round the bush we go. Sends me her number for the value of the house. Appraisal not required if I accept the value. I say you can take it and we Iíll credit your side of the settlement for that amount. Now she needs an appraisal because itís not fair. Haha so dumb.
Wow that is bad. Like comically bad. She is clearly interested in screwing you over and not much else.

LB, I feel bad that this is so ugly, but you keep doing the right thing. It doesn't sound like you are letting her get to you, good job on that.

I hope the hearing goes well.
Posted By: unchien Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/11/20 04:38 PM
LB ~ Yeah, that's not going to look good in court for her (I would hope). Nobody wants to go to court, but maybe this will resolve things more quickly for you and it will turn out for the better.

I'll post details about my situation in my thread, don't want to hijack here, but we seem to be on somewhat parallel tracks.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/11/20 05:04 PM
Hey LB, sorry to hear the negotiation route isn't going to work, but it sounds like you're taking it all in stride so that's good! My XW wanted the house value appraised and since I was keeping it felt the costs should 100% be borne by me. I asked her who she wanted to do the appraisal and she said she didn't care. I contacted HER real estate friend and asked for a recommendation and used that appraiser. Then in the 11th hour XW wanted to micro manage the whole process, asking if the appraiser had considered that this house shouldn't be used for comparison because of blah blah blah and such. Just ridiculous. So I know your frustration in that regard! Luckily for me XW never fought for more than 50-50 on the kids, I really feel for you on that. I am sure it will all work out for you in the end!
Posted By: Traveler Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/11/20 10:25 PM
Originally Posted by LB55
I havenít seen them kids in 5 weeks. Thatís what I am willing to go to court about. All day long.

She has now decided I wonít see the kids unless I settle on her terms. I said Iíll see you in court. She will get served papers this week for a hearing about refusing visitation. I just want to see them. Financial settlement and time with my kids are not related from my perspective. Hopefully the judge has the same perspective.

I think once she sees the case against her she might change her tune on settling to avoid getting destroyed in court.

Fantastic! I think most judges these days favor the parent who wants to see their children. Well done fighting for them. It sounds like your attorney is relatively confident you're on good footing.
Posted By: LB55 Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/19/20 03:00 AM
Well finally got to see the kids this past weekend. Itís been since March. Was so nice to have them around again. We did a couple projects and got out of the house to take a walk in the forest on a sunny day. Hate that I have to get the courts involved but Iíve got to do what Iíve got to do.
Posted By: Vapo Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/19/20 06:05 AM
Good. Crush it as a dad. There's hardly any job more worthwhile...
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/20/20 07:33 PM

Hi brother,

18 months..wow times flies.

Glad to see you fighting for your relationship with your children. Best thing I ever did.

My youngest is graduating high school this week. She was 5 when I was going through my custody battles.

I wish you well and keep doing the right thing even if it is hard.


R2C
Posted By: LB55 Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/21/20 04:54 AM
Thanks all. I had dinner with the kids last night and that went well. Not seeing them for 5 weeks and then having a fantastic time together as soon as we are reunited shows me that we will be ok no matter what happens.

Iím at peace with my decision to take this to court. Iím choosing to trust the process and pray for the best outcome for the kids and I.
Posted By: unchien Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 05/22/20 03:43 PM
LB55 ~ So glad to hear you finally got some time with your kids.

And even more happy for you that you are at peace with the process you are going to go through.
Posted By: LB55 Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/15/20 01:59 AM
Well everyone I owe an update on my situation, its been a while and things have been super busy.

My Divorce was finalized in late July. We came to a settlement and signed all the papers. I perhaps could have fought and got a bit more but I was tired of fighting and the kids needed it to be settled from my perspective. I'm very happy to have it in the past; still a few loose ends to tie up(she got the marital home and immediately stopped paying the mortgage; so now I've got my attorney working on that...more $$ but I have to protect my own credit).

I'm out looking to buy a house...hate being a renter. Came out of it with minimal debt, all will be paid off by October. So all in all I am happy with the outcome. It was such a stressor on my life and ability to move forward. I felt like I was held hostage by the legal end of it...every move was countered with more 'I'm the victim" stuff and then I would have to fight it again. I have the kids 3 weekends a month and that is the best I could support with my military duties at this time. I know it won't likely change in the future and i'm ok with that...I will have the best 3 weekends a month I can with them. Looking forward to lots of fishing, camping, hiking, bowling, cooking, visiting family, and spending time together in the coming years with the kids.

ExW is still just plowing through life with a full head of steam...moving in with BF from the internet and justifying to everyone with "look at me I am so awesome and going back to college and blah blah blah...college requires me to move closer and I am so fortunate that blah blah blah...would have had a 6 hour commute so this is best for everyone(it would have been 45 minutes but hey why not exaggerate...its the internet and they don't know shes making it up)" I can clearly see her for what she is at this time. A liar and not much else. It is as if she cannot help herself...she will lie about anything and everything. I don't get it and likely never will. Glad to be moving forward from this. I had to block her on all comms because she is getting more and more angry and it is all targeted at me. She can communicate with me via the court app regarding the kids to ensure everything is logged appropriately. She is still very childish and selfish and blames everyone else for her problems...by everyone else I mean blames me. Trying to protect myself and shield the kids from it at the same time can be tough.

At this point there is not much chance in my mind to have a new relationship with EXW...maybe she will eventually figure things out but right now she is a mess and I cannot help nor fix her. She has to crash and burn and figure out that her problems are her problems and her actions, reactions, and choices are what is causing her turmoil. I truly hope she does figure it out. It pains me to see her destroying herself but its part of the process and I will simply live my life the way I want to and enjoy my time with new friends, my kids, and myself.

Anyway that is what I happening in my world...don't get on here too much but I still check in to see how others are doing. Thanks to everyone who provided advice and encouragement throughout my situation. In real life I have been able to help a few others using things I have learned from this group. I have learned a ton and am definitely able to recognize unhealthy actions, mindsets, and toxic people right away and steer clear of bad situations. I have also learned to ask for what I want and be ok if what I want causes others to dislike me or my choices...in the past I usually just did what I thought everyone else wanted me to do...total NGS. I am re-reading that book again with different perspective to keep myself aware and not fall back into old habits.

For those just starting on this journey...it is long and arduous. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There will be many mis-steps along the way. Crazy plot twists and things that are simply designed to get a reaction out of you to see if youre still paying attention. Live your life...live it the way you'd like...if your spouse chooses to rejoin you...then you'll be happy...if they don't...then you'll be happy...this is because you've chosen to be happy with yourself and your life.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/15/20 07:09 AM
Great update LB!!! So glad to hear the worst is behind you and you are doing well, 😊 There is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. xo
Posted By: dillydaf Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/15/20 12:08 PM
this is an awesome update, LB! Enjoy your time with your kids! I identify so much with what you say, that you truly do hope your ex can sort herself out. If nothing else then she will be a better mother as a result...
Posted By: IronWill Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/15/20 12:29 PM
Hi LB -

Good to hear from you. I'm glad for your sake things are settling down and you're finally able to get off the rollercoaster. I agree with you about the fighting - its just not worth it. Obviously you have to stand up for what's right but letting the angry party burn out without resistance is the best way to go.

At some point, if internet BF is real and the move in does happen, i would think the blame will shift to him. Its always projection because it is so much easier to blame others for one's problems than look within.

Maybe one day she does wake up, maybe not. Its sad, but there isn't much we can do.

Thanks again for all your wise words at the beginning of my situation. You helped me very much.

Take care - stay strong smile
Posted By: LB55 Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/15/20 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by IronWill


At some point, if internet BF is real and the move in does happen, i would think the blame will shift to him. Its always projection because it is so much easier to blame others for one's problems than look within.



Oh that is happening...as soon as the deed was signed to the house it is on the market and she is moved out. Moving from our nice 2500 sf home to her BF 1000sf home is gonna be quite a tight squeeze. She put the house on the market for $150k over valuation...just more delusions. Hasn't had one showing in the week it has been up.

Originally Posted by IronWill


Thanks again for all your wise words at the beginning of my situation. You helped me very much.



I am happy to have been able to provide some help!
Posted By: unchien Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/16/20 04:12 PM
LB - thanks for popping in with an update! Iím a few months behind you in the process but the similarities are striking. You sound strong and positive and Iím rooting for you. Your kids have an awesome dad.

The victim mentality may never leave her, but you are freeing yourself and that is priceless. The legal marathon takes an emotional and financial toll. Did you ever wonder why you had to spend so much money to get an outcome you probably could have hammered out at the kitchen table had she been reasonable?
Posted By: LB55 Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/16/20 06:37 PM
Originally Posted by unchien
Did you ever wonder why you had to spend so much money to get an outcome you probably could have hammered out at the kitchen table had she been reasonable?


I wondered that since the beginning of all this. Now that it is done it doesn't cross my mind much. It is in the past and there is nothing that will modify that so no reason to dwell upon it.

We went back and forth through attorneys with offers for months. I sent the first offer...she replied with a 75/25 split. So that is where we started.

She struggled to see the bigger picture...instead choosing to fight about a broken weedeater and some fish in the freezer. Anything that I wanted from the home was always a firm no. Our total asset value was near $2M btw.

The agreed upon support amount is much more manageable for me and I am able to recover financially fairly quickly. The initial hearing judge to set support amounts took her victim story hook line and sinker and gave her tons of money. I got a $3500/month 'raise' when the final papers were signed. All things that contribute to my ability to move forward and put my mind at ease.

Thanks for the awesome compliment! We root for each other here and that is what makes this forum great! Keep up the positive attitude and fight the good fight while looking out for your own sanity.
Posted By: unchien Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/18/20 07:48 PM
I can't tell you how encouraging it is to hear your update. Congratulations on getting through that h3ll.

I hope others here recognize that yours is a success story. Because you didn't let your personal happiness hinge on the outcome of your MR.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/18/20 07:53 PM
Originally Posted by unchien
I can't tell you how encouraging it is to hear your update. Congratulations on getting through that h3ll.

I hope others here recognize that yours is a success story. Because you didn't let your personal happiness hinge on the outcome of your MR.


^^^^^THIS
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/18/20 08:16 PM
LB,

glad to hear you are back in the groove of things again. Cheers.
Posted By: LB55 Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/18/20 09:30 PM
Thanks everyone! My stresses are down so much now. I am happy with where I am at and in control of my own life.

Originally Posted by unchien
I can't tell you how encouraging it is to hear your update. Congratulations on getting through that h3ll.

I hope others here recognize that yours is a success story. Because you didn't let your personal happiness hinge on the outcome of your MR.


You know for a long time I did let my happiness hinge on my marriage. It was all I had. I didn't have much else other than work...and that isn't a healthy lifestyle. I felt like such a failure; I didn't want to tell anyone, I wanted to hide in my bed all day, and most of all I just wanted to fix it. It took me a good while to come to the realization that I couldn't fix it. I am soooooo good at fixing things...but a marriage isn't a 'thing' I could fix...because I didn't break it.

I certainly contributed to the breakdown...I was an awful communicator and I never asked for what I wanted. I failed to live in the moment; instead always focused on the future or the past and trying to prevent future failures of anything and everything. So many things I have taken from the experience and the loss that I will apply going forward. Most importantly I am starting to repair friendships that disappeared over the years; that has been really good for me to know that those folks aren't judging me and are happy to know that I am ok.
Posted By: IronWill Re: No actions yet LB55 #6 - 08/19/20 03:54 PM
Originally Posted by LB55
Thanks everyone! My stresses are down so much now. I am happy with where I am at and in control of my own life.

Originally Posted by unchien
I can't tell you how encouraging it is to hear your update. Congratulations on getting through that h3ll.

I hope others here recognize that yours is a success story. Because you didn't let your personal happiness hinge on the outcome of your MR.


You know for a long time I did let my happiness hinge on my marriage. It was all I had. I didn't have much else other than work...and that isn't a healthy lifestyle. I felt like such a failure; I didn't want to tell anyone, I wanted to hide in my bed all day, and most of all I just wanted to fix it. It took me a good while to come to the realization that I couldn't fix it. I am soooooo good at fixing things...but a marriage isn't a 'thing' I could fix...because I didn't break it.

I certainly contributed to the breakdown...I was an awful communicator and I never asked for what I wanted. I failed to live in the moment; instead always focused on the future or the past and trying to prevent future failures of anything and everything. So many things I have taken from the experience and the loss that I will apply going forward. Most importantly I am starting to repair friendships that disappeared over the years; that has been really good for me to know that those folks aren't judging me and are happy to know that I am ok.


LB - all of what you wrote above resonates very strongly.

I have only recently discovered that happiness is not "out there". It is not in projects, people, relationships, trips, houses, cars, possessions, what you think you should have, etc.

It is also not a final destination, it is a journey.

We don't "deserve" anything in life. We have to work for it. Including finding what makes ourselves content in life.

Happiness lies within. The irony is - finding what happiness is, or what your purpose is in life, is the point of life.

Take care. smile
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