previous thread here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2854362&page=1I've written a few updates but not posted them, nothing has fundamentally changed. I've taken the kids to visit H at our other house another 2 times, both times it was so nice just to get away somewhere scenic, but H mostly has ignored the kids and dragged me off to walk and told me all about his work stuff. He still has a job but all kinds of politics continue, he wants to get paid off, and it might result in protracted legal stuff. Sigh.
He has never really asked me about how I am or how I'm coping with lockdown. This week and last week, not well actually. I feel very lonely right now and socially isolated. The kids don't get up till late afternoon and don't want to talk much. They get on ok with each other but they're teens, they don't want to hang out much with their mum. Actually taking them to see H is the best bit of the week as they have to talk when we're in the car. They have been pretty sweet then actually, but still I can't get my social needs met by my teens that's for sure! So I am really struggling with not being able to see my friends, go running with my friends, or go anywhere except the supermarket. I don't know when things will get easier. And of course I can't date! I would really love to have someone to take an interest in my life and to care about me, someone to snuggle up to in bed and someone to talk to.
When we were visiting, H and I took the kids to throw a ball about and we had an unpleasant encounter with some busybody who was telling everyone in the park to go home. It upset all of us and H was very snappy with me on the way back. He did not connect the dots of why he was snappy, but it brought back all kinds of negative memories of his behaviour during our M. His lack of insight into why he treats me the way he has done is astonishing. I felt annoyed at his behaviour but also at my inability to tell him his behaviour was unacceptable. When we got back I went for a long walk by myself until it was time to leave, I wasn't really upset but more sad that H is incapable of treating me well after all this time, and also pretty determined that his lack of change means I will have to D him. H said sorry as I was leaving if he had upset me. I didn't give him a kiss goodbye as we left. He texted me the most ridiculous staccato apology about not intending to be rude or something along those lines. It was not very heartfelt, and it seemed more about him than about me. I haven't replied, and I haven't contacted him since as I don't know what to say. Maybe I should be more honest with him, but he has not been honest with me in, well forever really. I don't want to be married to someone incapable of treating me well, I don't want to continue being married to someone who is making no moves towards D but also no moves towards R. He treats me as a confidante for work stuff but not for anything else, and I am tired of feeling used. I'm tired of limbo, I'm tired of lockdown, I'm tired of everything right now. This too shall pass, hopefully my next update will be chirpier
I too suffer living at home with S18. He has his own life which is awesome but we connect minimally. Honestly that is how it should be in my opinion. He needs independence as he goes off to college next fall.
But, its many lonely evenings. I'm reading... texting friends... I'm fortunate and am an essential worker so I get face to face time with coworkers but they cannot be my social network - I'm a lot older then they are and I'm in more of a higher position. I adore them but do not socialize outside of work.
Life has changed dramatically. I hope with the lifting of stay at home I can figure out how to be my own person again and find my own things to do and make my life more interesting.
Hang in there!!!
I feel envious of anyone going out and getting any form of face to face contact, TBH, though I hope you are safe, KitCat. The most social contact I have right now is nodding hello to someone on the street when I go out running. It's horrible, I am a sociable person and I do not do well with zero in person contact! I had a lovely life before lockdown, but am struggling right now.
Since last weekend H has been even more distant than usual (yeah, how is that possible?) I've texted him a few silly things and there has been crickets in return. Oh well. I wanted to lighten the mood before I take the kids there tomorrow but we shall see. I'm contemplating not taking them at all.
I went to pay some bills just now and noticed that H has taken out cash for the last 2 weeks. Quite a lot, over £1000 in 9 days. We discussed last time we met how neither of us are using any cash right now due to the virus and using contactless payment (plus nowhere to spend money). So where is this cash going? I then went back and in March again he took out a lot of cash. Like £1500 of cash, half of that before lockdown started. I suspect if I search back then I will see similar in other months. I have squirreled away £2000 of cash thinking that I will need to open a bank account for myself and pay lawyer fees at some stage, but that took me over 6 months so that it wasn't obvious. I know he has another bank account that he opened a year ago that he doesn't realise I know about, I'm assuming he has been depositing cash in there, which would mean a significant amount over a year if this has been his pattern. He must think I'm stupid, this is all from our joint account. He must be stupid, he has such a senior position I'm sure he could get his bonuses paid into another account easily. I wonder if he has. I wonder if there is any way to find out. I think I need to find a lawyer, I already have someone in mind. Probably not optimum timing given he might be losing his job, so I need to be careful in case he gets a big payout and hides it from me. I never thought that my H would behave so dishonourably. But given he's probably had an affair (multiple ones?) it should be no surprise. Who knows what he has been up to all these years.
So yeah, I think I might be feeling under the weather tomorrow instead of visiting. Not sure I'm good enough of an actress to hide my distaste for this.
I'll save the usual waffle. I did take the kids to visit H, put on my cool calm pants and validated his moaning about his work stuff. It was nice having the kids in the car, they are so funny and good company when we're travelling together. Then this morning I check my phone and there's an app he's downloaded which is to do with property conveyancing (we share an icloud account, though he's managed to get most of his stuff invisible to me some of it leaks over somehow, so I think he has no idea I can see). What else is he hiding? Apart from a probable mistress, let's face it. So he told me all about his work stuff but not that he's BUYING A HOUSE? Ugh. He was talking about this job stuff being the end of his career and I was thinking 'how can he afford to retire if he insists on D and he loses half of everything?' But if he's getting double what he's telling me he wants as a payout, probably fairly easily. Or if he's somehow hidden stacks of money in the last 18 months.
I was initially very shocked and wobbly, then went for a run and calmed down. Then I ordered a new phone via a supermarket so he can't see what I bought, messaged a divorce lawyer I kind of know from elsewhere, and set up a new email account on my phone. Next stop I'll set up my own bank account. Can't let H know any of this because he's still negotiating his potential work payout. I definitely need legal protection though, this man is crazy and who knows how much money he's hiding from me whilst using me as his emotional support. Yuck. Does he really think he can use me as an emotional crutch when we're Ded? No way matey, I will be long gone, off travelling with my sexy new man who treats me like the goddess I am. What a fool my H is. Anyway, I dread the thought of all the legal stuff, but this kind of deception seals the deal for me that I cannot trust H. I feel like we're entering stage 2 here.
Oh Dilly. What a time you're having.
Keep your powder dry. I think your H has shown you in so many ways, big and small, that he will take from you what is convenient for him as long as you're willing to give it, but his main loyalty is to himself. If playing along buys you time to get your ducks in a row, then go ahead. I'm glad you're taking steps to protect yourself.
Thanks Alison. So the next day I did more googling and the app is actually not only conveyancing but also legal related, and H has been consulting lawyers on work stuff, so I might have been hasty thinking he was hiding something as massive as a house. Still, taking out money behind my back is deception, and his financial affairs are so complex that it would be easy to hide stuff. When we are together he does talk a LOT about money, how much he might get paid out and how much he had invested in the company etc. So it seems hard to believe he's hiding stuff but that could be a smokescreen.
Ds1 did not want to go see his dad yesterday, I told him I thought it was important for him to see his dad but he's an adult and can make his own decisions. He stayed up too late and was very grumpy the whole journey but he did come. Public transport is not working right now so the only way H can see the kids is by me taking them (or he could visit but he's been working plus I want the change of scenery desperately!) H and I went for a walk and he said he's leaving his company but waiting for payout details. He seemed very angry and sad, also complained about his health a lot though he has got fitter without having to commute and work long hours the last few weeks. He also speculated about some of his symptoms being alcohol related, but without saying anything about cutting down or giving up. I just listened and did not suggest anything other than emailing his doctor about a scan which has been put off due to the virus.
H made us a nice lunch and fussed over me being in the sun, asked the kids to fetch my sun hat and moved the umbrella to be over me. Weird. He probably drank too much, I had a glass of wine with lunch and I think maybe he finished the bottle but can't be sure, plus a beer. We played a game with the kids and ds1 made a stupid mistake and H was scathing about it, then ds1 retaliated and swore at H and H shouted at him. Usually I would be trying to smooth things over but I didn't, it's not my relationship to get in the middle of. Then H demanded an apology and ds1 refused (honestly when has demanding an apology ever gone well?!) and then H said he would be expecting some bus money back which ds1 had been paid automatically but didn't use after college was cancelled and H had originally said fine, he can keep the money (it's not that much). H was very worked up so I took him off for a walk, usually the kids would come too but refused. H complained endlessly about how spoilt ds1 is and how much better off he is compared with H when he was a teen (he had to pay his dad board and work summer and weekend jobs to have any spending money). Gosh, so much leaking out about his abandonment issues. I also said that if he demanded the bus money back then he should expect ds1 not to want to visit, H said that he had given up his job on a point of principle and he wouldn't back down from this. My, a therapist would have a field day here, so much projection.
H came to the car to say goodbye and demanded an apology again and ds1 ignored him. We left and the kids were perplexed over H's behaviour, they said 'we are so glad he doesn't live with us any more' and ds2 said 'how did we put up with that behaviour for so long?' which made me both happy that we are better off separated and also concerned for how much H damaged the kids over the years with his anger and bizarre behaviour. The kids were not angry with him though, they recognised that H loves them but that he has issues stemming from his teenage years and that he's lashing out at the people he loves the most. Ds1 actually said 'so I have to be more mature than Dad even though he's 30 years older than me?' and I said yes, sadly that is how it is. They are very mature and insightful, they might not talk about H much but clearly they've done a lot of thinking about it. I hope so much that this protects them from behaving the same way when they are his age. I did point out that H didn't know how to parent a teen because he essentially didn't have parents looking after him then, and also that they have one parent who is there for them no matter what. Then they talked about how H uses money to reward and threaten them, and I said it's about the only way he knows how to show love, but also that it's about control. They said 'he gives us money but then says we're spoilt' and I said that was all about his own background and not their problem. Then ds2 said 'if dad is rude to me I just refuse to take his phone calls for a few days' (ds2 is the more emotionally astute one I think, but ds1 has always been closer to H) and I said that sounded like a good idea for ds1 too. Ds1 worries me, he strives for H's high opinion of him but he's also passive aggressive and is like me in not standing up for himself, the lashing out at H was an over-reaction but H's initial behaviour was unacceptable.
So, I drafted an email to the lawyer last week, not sent it as every time I looked at it I felt sick. I can predict that if I file H is going to explode with anger and be as nasty as possible. I love him but I can't sit round expecting him to change, his behaviour yesterday was a reminder of all the negative stuff he splattered over me and the kids for years on end. If he can't look inside himself he is going to be a lonely old man. But then it won't be my problem any more. Having seen how his mum is still refusing to take responsibility for her MLC behaviour 30 years ago and still blaming everything and everyone except her, I can predict that if he doesn't have the strength he will end up just like her. That would be so sad, not having a single person in the world who loves you because you refuse to look at yourself.
I did point out that H didn't know how to parent a teen because he essentially didn't have parents looking after him then, and also that they have one parent who is there for them no matter what. Then they talked about how H uses money to reward and threaten them, and I said it's about the only way he knows how to show love, but also that it's about control. They said 'he gives us money but then says we're spoilt' and I said that was all about his own background and not their problem.
It’s great that your children are smart and observant of H’s behavior. My children are not old enough to question his bs yet. So I wonder what that dynamic will be like in a couple of years once my eldest becomes a teen. The money is totally about control, my H does the same thing. I think he’s also telling himself that he’s still contributing to this household and being a father because he’s “paying for all of this.” Ugh. And he’s buying them candies and junk food (he used to hate that) when he sees them, because that’s the only way he knows how to show love now.
So, I drafted an email to the lawyer last week, not sent it as every time I looked at it I felt sick. I can predict that if I file H is going to explode with anger and be as nasty as possible. I love him but I can't sit round expecting him to change, his behaviour yesterday was a reminder of all the negative stuff he splattered over me and the kids for years on end. If he can't look inside himself he is going to be a lonely old man. But then it won't be my problem any more. Having seen how his mum is still refusing to take responsibility for her MLC behaviour 30 years ago and still blaming everything and everyone except her, I can predict that if he doesn't have the strength he will end up just like her. That would be so sad, not having a single person in the world who loves you because you refuse to look at yourself.
Filing D is not an easy decision, even if you already know that you don’t want to wait around forever. My H is so much like yours in this way - he used to talk about all these things he hates about his mother, now he’s behaving like a carbon copy of her. It is very sad.
Dillydaf, you’re doing the right thing by protecting yourself legally and financially. Good luck ((hugs))!
Hi Dilly
I think emailing the lawyer is a good thing. Your H won't know - perhaps you're just going to gather some information, or protect yourself and work to separate your finances. Doing or not doing something because you are worried about his reaction might be a step back in detachment, and at least with lock-down he will never be easier to avoid! It sounds like your sons - well brought up and perceptive young men - know how to detach themselves from their father's behaviour quite instinctively, and look elsewhere for comfort. You've done a good job with them.
Perhaps I can help you a bit? (Ignore if not helpful!)
the only way H can see the kids is by me taking them (or he could visit but he's been working plus I want the change of scenery desperately!)
Well no - he could presumably come and visit and take them out somewhere to walk? Or you could go out for the afternoon to walk / run (not easy, I know) while he visits them in the house? All of that would be within lock down rules. I think you're still doing some wife-work and parenting for him - maybe for the benefit of your sons, but perhaps to meet your own needs too?
H was very worked up so I took him off for a walk
He's not a child - even when he's acting like one. And he's not your child. I think an assertive and detached response would be to remove yourself from situations where he's acting like a brat, not taking action to soothe or pacify him. This isn't even wife work, it is parenting.
So, I drafted an email to the lawyer last week, not sent it as every time I looked at it I felt sick. I can predict that if I file H is going to explode with anger and be as nasty as possible. I love him but I can't sit round expecting him to change, his behaviour yesterday was a reminder of all the negative stuff he splattered over me and the kids for years on end. If he can't look inside himself he is going to be a lonely old man. But then it won't be my problem any more. Having seen how his mum is still refusing to take responsibility for her MLC behaviour 30 years ago and still blaming everything and everyone except her, I can predict that if he doesn't have the strength he will end up just like her. That would be so sad, not having a single person in the world who loves you because you refuse to look at yourself.
All this is true. But filing for D isn't going to protect you from it. Only detachment and boundaries will. I think you're still making excuses to go and see him, and perhaps going dark ( given the situation with lockdown, you could drop your kids off at his house and expect him to drive them back, for example) is going to get you closer to protecting yourself from his bizarre behaviour than filing for D will at this stage.
D will probably give you financial protection (and I agree with your instincts - he probably is hiding money or at least putting his interests as a single man before his responsibilities to his family first - and while I cannot imagine for the life of me any sane woman wanting anything to do with him, the world is a strange place so you may as well assume he has a mistress and financially protect yourself for the scenario of there being another mouth to feed sometime...)
But then you already know this.
I hope you're well Dilly. I hope you take a lot of comfort in what sensitive and perceptive young men you've raised.
Alison: taking the kids to see H is definitely partly for my own benefit. I have a deep attachment to the place where our other house is, I miss it when I don't get to visit, and I need the change of scenery right now when lockdown is restricting life so much. It's 5 hours of travel so not possible for me to drop the kids off and head off, and I do enjoy H cooking me a good lunch (so bored of cooking for myself and fussy kids). Seeing H is not top of my priorities in any of that, though it's valuable to see where his head is at and hear what the financial stuff is (perhaps, assuming no significant hiding funds) going to be in future. He's not very good company but right now I don't get to see any of my friends so some form of human contact is better than none. I'm not desperately longing to spend time with him, not in his current state.
H is deeply confused right now, I think the stress of him losing his job (he has always been extremely career focused) is really distressing him. I spent years making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour and I'm done doing that, but I can have some understanding for what he's going through. He threw his family away and now his job has thrown him away, he must feel like he has nothing to live for. He said some very bizarre things at the weekend, ranting about stuff and then contradicting himself. I fear for his mental health right now, and he's trying to alienate ds1 on top of that. One minute he talks of retiring, next minute he says he'll take 6 months off and travel. Travel where?! Everything is closed! His behaviour has been bizarre for a long time now but has ramped up another level.
The taking him for a walk bit came out wrong, I was concerned that H was going to do something even more destructive to his R with ds1, either getting physical or pushing things so far the damage would be irreparable. I suggested a walk in order to defuse things. Not trying to fix things or tell him what to do, but to protect ds1, he's been harmed enough in all this. I'm not stepping in to fix things between ds1 and H, maybe once I might have suggested certain actions to each of them but I'm not getting involved, they are both adults even if H is not capable of acting like one. I suspect if H does not repair things then the kids will refuse to visit next weekend, that is his consequence.
Sending the email to the lawyer today, I have no intention of letting H know unless I have to but I want things lined up to protect myself if necessary. And also because I no longer have hope of H changing. In a way his outburst towards ds1 was useful, because it reminded me of the terrible behaviour we tolerated for so long, and reminded me that although I played a small role in that, fundamentally H has deep problems which only he can address.
He sounds like he's really really circling the drain - I guess you're seeing what happens when someone who blames other people or other things finally has no choice but to look inwards. He can't blame you for his unhappiness any more, and sooner or later he isn't going to be able to blame his job either. I feel sorry for him - and I think you're right to be concerned about his odd behaviour and also right to detach yourself from it and protect yourself and your kids as much as you can.
I feel very anxious today, the builder for our other house texted to say he'd be working there and I had to text him back that H is there and to delay it. Using second homes is not allowed right now so I felt anxious about having to tell him that and angry that I got stuck in the middle of all this. Angry that I have to lie to almost everyone who asks about H, angry that I have been left dangling so long. Angry that I have to sit around waiting for H to decide my future. I know this is not actually the case, but it's how I feel right now. I know I have more control in this sitch than I feel, but I still feel it.
H's rent for his other house came out of our bank account, and he is still taking cash out. Do I ask him about this? Part of me thinks just let things unfold and the other half wants to push for answers. Those answers won't be what I want will they? What if I ask him what he's doing with his other house and he says he's moving in with his mistress? He wouldn't say that till after his payout (he hasn't told me about that, he only talks about this stuff in person), and maybe he has no mistress, but the whole secrecy is driving me crazy. His car tax also came out of our account, which means he changed the registration to his other house but probably not the insurance, which means his car is probably not insured.
Anyway, enough about him. I did email the solicitor but have not heard back so I messaged him to ask. I have my new phone and my bank account set up, and the card is arriving soon. I have to ask a friend to help me move money in there as there is a cash deposit limit, but that should be ok. So I'm protecting myself as much as possible right now. And I'm applying for jobs, not great timing but there are jobs about so I might as well apply. Anyway, just spinning here, every time I feel halfway normal I'm reminded that I'm still in limbo and that H is still crazy. Yuck. I did meet up with a friend yesterday which was so so needed. Online interaction is just not the same. Once I have my finances sorted I can join an online dating website, it would be really nice to have some new people to talk to
I've been alone for so long now, I've had enough of it. I guess right now I'm not standing. H is broken, and I have no faith that he has the courage to fix himself. In the meantime I have a life to live.
This is a hard time Dilly.
But without diminishing how stuck and resentful and hurt and angry you feel (and rightly so) and the concern you still feel for your H's mental and emotional state and what lies ahead for him (which shows how kind you are) maybe reframing things will help?
You are moving forward not because H is broken (that makes it about him and makes your actions dependent on his state) but you are moving forward because you want something other than what is on offer to you now.
I guess one is moving 'away' from something - and that something remains the focus - and one is moving 'towards' something - and the 'towards' is the focus.
So - what is your 'towards'? What would you be looking for in online dating? What work and life patterns are you going to build when this awful pandemic is over and we all have to create our lives again? You'll have H out of your hair and off your plate before too much longer. Which gives you so much room for joy.
Thank you Alison, yes you are quite right, I do need to reframe it all. And I don't want to blame him for stuff just because he blames me for everything bad in his life, I can be happy without him even if this current uncertainty is hard. This pandemic time has been difficult because everything has been upended and all my plans for this year (travel with ds1, meeting friends) have been put on hold, and career stuff is a lot less certain. Plus my social life has nosedived, I met a friend at long last for a walk yesterday and goodness me, that helped so much. People are not designed to be socially isolated. I have put plans in place to meet up with more friends outdoors, that will help having someone to talk to.
What do I want?
An interesting career which uses my considerable skills and allows me to contribute to something
A nice man who laughs at my jokes, finds me interesting and wants to have conversations with me, someone I can make a meaningful connection with and have a physical relationship with
Travel to interesting places, meeting new people and seeing new things
I do actually have a list of things I want to do, but right now many of them are off limits due to pandemic stuff! I could investigate doing some of them virtually but I am tired of virtual living right now.
I'm taking myself off for a run somewhere pretty and green to ease this anxiety. I can feel the fear and do this D stuff anyway, even in the midst of this uncertainty. I nudged the solicitor and arranged for him to call tomorrow. My bank card turned up. Progress. Scary progress. But still progress and it's necessary.
Good progress! Small steps.
And in case you were in doubt - none of what you want is remotely unreasonable. Dream a bit bigger. A nice man who finds you interesting and laughs at your jokes and the rest is the BARE MINIMUM. If or when it happens for you just that will probably feel like amazing bounty after the nonsense that has been on offer from your H over the years. But you can expect even more than that, perhaps. How about a soul mate?
I blame H sometimes for when things go wrong for me that aren't anything to do with him. I'm cherishing quite a bit of resentment at the moment for me having to be a SAHM when I don't want to be, and H being able to get out and about and carry on his working life as usual. Even though he's doing all he can in the house and with the kids, and he hasn't chosen for my workplace to close.
I'm going to make a list of things I want to do after lockdown too - things nothing to do with my marriage, but just for me and perhaps me and the kids, who need some fun time and not just 'mum running homeschool' time.
I'm not sure I believe in soul mates. I think marriages are hard work no matter who you're with, just much, much harder with people like my H who have personality disorders or other serious mental health problems disguised by a 'normal' facade. I would settle quite happily with someone decent who I got on well with. I had a boyfriend once whose mum was married to a very boring but kind man and clearly far below her in many ways. I always wondered what the attraction was, now I wonder if his dad was something like my H and she just settled for a M without constant fireworks and drama! But all this is theoretical, I have not met someone and although I would like to date and have fun, any serious R is a way off for me. I know what my minimum standard is, my H has not met it for a very long time.
I had a phone call with the lawyer this morning, felt reassured afterwards that if H is hiding money then it would probably come out, and that I will get a decent settlement, maybe with a clean break of us splitting everything 50/50. He also said that if H is making noises about retiring then any judge would tell him to think again! He cannot afford to retire if we D, unless he has a rich mistress somewhere waiting for him to move in. It would not shock me somehow. H has always been conservative with money and financial security has always been hugely important to him, so it's hard to believe he would willingly give away that for the sake of D, but then this is not normal H. The lawyer advised me to sit tight and wait to hear about the payout before doing anything, just in case I spook H into hiding it somehow. He also said that if H stops work and has no plans to work in the future then that would be the best time to D, since otherwise H could fritter away lots of money and thereby reduce my settlement. Things to consider. I can wait till September for a D on the basis of separation for 2 years if H agrees, if he doesn't then the basis would be unreasonable behaviour. The D process seems to take a long time and will get longer with covid.
I got very triggered earlier when I checked our account and H has again taken cash out. Different scenarios going through my mind: he's siphoning off money into his other account (most likely), he's got a drug habit (unlikely but possible), he has a prostitute habit (very unlikely but possible), I'm both extremely anxious about this cash withdrawal thing and trying to see the funny side. I know his bank account details and he can't hide that money, but it's small beer compared with the huge amount we will have to split up if it goes to D. So I will shut my mouth and play the long game. It is very difficult to know where the line is between being passive (always a defect of mine, one I am working on) and patience (not my strong suit but also one I am cultivating). Ds1 has made up with H so we will go see him this weekend, mostly so I can get the info I need. H has been very quiet other than the builder stuff, I assume he is negotiating the payout and focusing on that. He says he's coming back here next week, to see his friend (he only has one really) and to go to his other house. I wonder if it is to clear it out so he can move out of there? He can't justify the vast rent when he has no income and isn't living there, even he is not that stupid. I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop once the payout is sorted. I'm expecting an announcement like he's moving in with his mistress or buying a house or something (he can't afford that). I don't know what the alternative is, him living full time in our other house? He won't want that either. So he will have to get another job even though he doesn't want one. I'm preparing so that I can trigger D if I need to, the one thing I will do is protect myself financially. I will be patient in the meantime. I have options, I have control here.
You sound in a good place, Dilly. You really do. I think getting this information has made things a bit more real for you, and being advised on a timeline is probably sobering. And yes, you do have control.
I don't think I believe in soul mates either, not really. Not if it means the teenage stuff where nobody has to work at it. But I do think you deserve someone who will adore you. Well, I think we all do, really.
And my marriage is the soap opera which keeps delivering more episodes...
Saw H at the weekend, he was snappy and not good company. His payout is nearly sorted. Talks about his career 'ending'. Tell that to the judge in divorce court, matey.
I downloaded a dating app, quite the experience. Who knew there were so many overt narcissists out there? Or so few people who can't take a non fuzzy selfie? Or a selfie with their top on? Sigh. I have been chatting to a few men, not sure any of them are much cop but online dating is a numbers game isn't it? Keep on swiping and maybe you might chance upon a half-normal specimen. I'm taking motorbikes as a NO avoid, MLC signal
Anyway, today I had a virtual session with a woman who periodically helps me dig the house out of the mountain of crap which accumulates (she knows the sitch and has helped me navigate my way round dealing with H's stuff over the years: a shopping addict who can't abide me getting rid of stuff and thinks the house should expand to fill his needs). I was dealing with a huge pile of paperwork which H had left on a bookshelf which I had got rid of. I thought I should sift through and chuck stuff out and also do a paperwork trail for different accounts and so on (it is soooo complicated, so many different accounts and ISAs and goodness knows what). Midway through I find an envelope, inside are printouts from a porn site. Very old printouts, dated when ds1 was about 3 months old. I felt quite sick. I know many men use porn and don't have an issue with it in theory but really? Your wife has cracked nipples from breastfeeding, is struggled with the transition to motherhood and hasn't had a good night's sleep in 3 months and instead of helping to change the odd nappy you're wa*&king off to porn printouts? I had no idea. And the fact that he left his mess for me to clean up as with all the other mess he's made in his life is just so typical, that also made me quite disgusted. And what else don't I know about?
Anyway I went for a run with a friend and poured everything out to her, it was very therapeutic! I feel ok now. When he left I accused him of having a blonde somewhere and he looked kind of shocked and said he preferred brunettes. I have a wicked idea of posting him the envelope after we sort the financial mess of D out with a note saying 'I guess I was right about the blondes after all'. Talking of D, I feel pretty detached now and ready to go ahead once the payout stuff is sorted out. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop after H leaves his job but honestly I am just sick of this soap opera now. I'm not slamming the door shut but I am closing it almost completely. There might be a tiny crack there but I don't have much faith that he has the courage or capacity to work on himself enough for that to become more than a crack. So I guess he did me a favour after all leaving that porn there! I feel sick whenever I think about it, and I don't think I will be seeing him again for a while. He is picking up ds2 at the weekend and taking him back to our other house for a few days, will have to be out when he does those. At least we are allowed out now!
I see a lot of positives here, Dilly. Your fun and sense of adventure and high standards when it comes to the dating site. You're not relying on any of those guys to make you feel better, you're wondering if there's someone out there who might add to your life. It's a great attitude. Your curiosity and sense of adventure is driving the car and that is very attractive!
Also - you are taking things into your own hands when it comes to paperwork, finances and the rubbish your H has left behind. You've not checked or asked him or warned him, you've just, as any independent woman would, got some appropriate help and seized the task with both hands.
And your H is a cliche.
So the dating site fun continues! I find it pretty fascinating actually. Got propositioned for sex by Billy, age 34, in his first message, lol. Had a text chat with a solicitor who started out boring and then complimented my boobs and rapidly unmatched and vanished! Hilarious. Most chats have been a lot less eventful. Somehow the 3 men I like most in my match queue are all of some kind of Asian or mixed heritage, which I find interesting. Seems like I'm looking for someone very different and new!
I really like one man who lives 60 miles away and who I have a lot in common with and he seems very unusual at the same time. We have had some interesting flirty chats. He seems very busy though so I'm not sure. We arranged to meet for a picnic in 10 days time. I'm not sure about someone that unavailable even though I have a good feeling about him. Hopefully I won't fancy him in person!
My first actual date was a walk with a man who lives much nearer and seems to have plenty of time at the weekend. Again, he is very unusual, very bright I think too. Very interested in me. I took the plunge and met him last night about halfway between us. We chatted and walked for 2 hours and were very open with each other about past relationships and our lives. It was very easy talking to him. I'm not 100% sure I fancy him but then again I haven't kissed him yet. He is a bit obsessed with sex I think, complained that he hadn't had any for 2 months and I told him he ought to try 2 years, he was shocked! He's Muslim but not completely religious, he drinks a bit but has also been fasting. He seems quite well off (not that that matters as I am independent financially or should be). We have been texting today and the sex talk has been a bit much but I did tell him I was not about to jump into bed with him! I like sex, I enjoy it and I have missed it sooooo much these last 2 years, but it needs to be with someone I fancy and trust. I feel like I can be open about this though, it is really nice to have this honest conversation with him. In person he was a lot less sex pesty! I might see him for another walk tonight, and I might test out how it feels kissing him (he has had covid or so he says, but I'm not bothered if I catch it, and wouldn't pass it on to anyone vulnerable). So I will see how that goes, I doubt I'd be leaping into a long term R with the first man I've dated in 30 years, seems unlikely! I will keep on swiping, there is a lot of dross out there but also many decent, interesting men. So nice to have someone take an interest in me after H's treatment of me all these years, it is good for the ego
I don't feel desperate though, just enjoying getting to know different men and working out what I want in an R, even a short term one.
I did see H yesterday, he told me the payout is still not sorted but should be this week. He told me some of his plans (this week's version...), he wants to travel round Europe in August/September and come back when ds1 starts uni. He says he's taking at least 6 months off work and might then start his own business with some people he has worked with at his current place. No talk of his rental place but he said he's swapping his car because it costs too much to run (it is very sporty with terrible mileage). Bizarre. He must know how much a D will cost him. No D talk at all, just talk of his plans for the future which don't feature me in them. He treated me like I had covid every time I was too close to him, refused the offer of a really good pie that I had bought and had extra of (the whole poisoning thing that seems so common here!) I feel sorry for him, but his lack of happiness will not be my problem in the future. I feel very detached, dating has been helpful here though I'm glad I waited till I was in a solid position internally. H has taken ds2 back with him and said he will take ds1 next weekend, I hope he treats them well. Both kids are shut in their rooms most of the time and not very sociable and refuse to go out for walks or anything, so it will be good for both of them to have a change of scenery.
That's it! I am still collecting data and going through all the financials. It is exhausting and annoying but has to be done, will make D much easier, and the payout sounds hopeful in terms of being enough for a clean break, cross fingers.
Have fun Dilly!
Your H sounds like a 19 year old undergraduate contemplating a gap year!
I am extremely triggered, the neighbour at our other house rang to say there was an Amazon delivery left outside so I just said I'm sure H will be back soon and texted him to tell him. He must have set up an extra Amazon account specifically so I can't see, his deceptive behaviour is increasingly disgusting to me as this is just one of several similar examples. The sooner I can separate finances so I don't have to be exposed to this stuff the better. He's still taking out lots of cash but I'm determined not to confront him yet.
Saw H on Wednesday when he dropped off ds2. He only stayed 5 minutes and looked uncomfortable. I was warm and friendly. He said the payout will almost certainly be sorted this week, it might have been already. He needs to tell me where the money is going as it's a huge amount. And he needs to not be hiding any from me...I need to move the cash I have collected into my other account, my friend is happy to help me. I also need to find out how much D is to get started if I want to keep it a secret for the time being.
Half of me wants to delay triggering D so I could spend the summer at our other house while H is off travelling, as I really love it there and will miss the house more than H, if he is going to live there full time I won't be able to go there once a week like I used to. The other half of me just wants to get the financials sorted out so I can stop all this deceptive nonsense from H getting to me. I will contact the lawyer again on Monday and get the ball rolling, I might be able to do a lot without H knowing (I'm assuming he is not about to drop a bomb or tell me he is filing for D). I really despise him, what a weak pathetic man he is.
Online dating, hmm. More offers of sex or FWB, getting boring. Not sure I have clicked with anyone yet but I've only met one bloke (see above). I have a date tomorrow afternoon in town with someone who seems very nice but maybe a bit dull. A few chats ongoing with some ok men. I joined another site which is aimed at more educated people, it's really expensive to join properly and the way the questions are structured makes everyone sound really boring! But I might get less sex pests and more genuine men on there, so I might fork out.
So, still here, H is still being a horrible person, I'm still in limbo but hopefully not for long! H asked me to bring the kids to see him on Sunday and I said maybe, thinking they wouldn't want to. I don't want to either now. He disgusts me.
I'm sorry about all the money stuff. that is gross and sad that he's doing that. it just shows what a bad place he's in. Hopefully it is helping you to see more and more how much better off you are now than before.
You do sound good, though! What are you thinking about in terms of your own career-- is it better to wait until after the D is finalized to do any real work in this area?
And checking our joint account right now is one long awful surprise. A van hire. He's moving or moved house without telling me, nice. Why is he putting this stuff on our joint account if he's hiding it? Bizarre. A thousand pounds spent in a department store (he is such a hypocrite, asking me to not spend money and questioning everything I put on our card, then doing that?!) Still the large amounts of cash coming out every couple of days. I find this so repulsive and triggering. I hate being lied to, I cannot tolerate this much longer. I am going to email my lawyer and get things started. Last time I saw H he was pretty awful. Snapped at everyone, seemed deeply depressed. Really not fun to be around in the slightest. Ds2 said when he stayed there he couldn't work out what H was doing, he had nearly no work but did not seem to be doing anything else except going for walks. This is the man who could never sit still before. His health problems continue and he complained a lot about that to me. Never asked me once how I was, such a narcissist. I have organised all of the financial paperwork I have and my next step is to list out all our assets etc and document the latest statements etc. It was such a total mess and took about 3 days of solid work but nearly all there. He has still not quite finished his payout agreement but I know how much it is (well how much he says it is) and I think he is going to be leaving work next week.
Enough about my disgusting husband (oh, I forgot to say as well that I was looking through our icloud account and realised that the July before he left in September H was taking the first selfies he has ever taken, clearly he was texting them to someone he was involved in OR he was on an online dating app. Again, disgusting)
Anyway, back to the important thing, me! Online dating is going fine, it's been an education. One or two ok blokes turned out to be married or have complicated stuff going on, so I have an eye out for that. I've had a couple more dates, one this afternoon with a bloke I get on well with, jokey fun texts and we are pretty honest with each other, I like that. He's a bit obsessed with sex though! Another bloke who is very clever but seems a bit staid for me. Another one who seems sweet but our conversations have been a bit dull. Another one who is funny (I like funny men, it's probably the most important thing of all) I know what I like and what I dislike, but you have to meet people to see if there's anything there. I'm not expecting to meet The One but it's been kind of fun getting to know different men and thinking about how different life could be with different people. I've also been meeting up with friends on walks and runs and picnics and really really enjoyed that. I missed people so much during proper lockdown. I'm a bit tired though, too much socialising after so long without!
Job stuff: I'm spending a few days a week job hunting. There's not a lot about. Some of it is short term part time stuff which might suit me till after the D. I'm not desperate to work right now, it's good seeing my friends and having fun, and I think D stuff will take a lot of mental effort. So I'll keep applying and see what happens. That's my update, no change really though I have had a lovely week chatting and being outdoors. Oh, and I went out with a walking group and there were 2 very nice men in that group too, that was fun talking to them! I'd best get ready for my next date now
Dilly, I feel sorry for your H. He's so broken. His life might have turned out differently if, instead of separating or possibly cheating to deal with his pain, he'd asked you for help and spent the last year in IC.
You sound like you're in an amazing place. You have plans for dealing with his craziness. Your views on dating sound healthy. Your conversations with your kids sound strong but compassionate.
I'm so pleased that you're making new plans, and getting out there, and taking care of your finances, Dilly. I think getting a solicitor on the job - and maybe a forensic accountant, if you think your H has been dishonest about his payout or hiding money away from you (and the sums involved warrant what a FA would cost) is an excellent act of boundary setting and self care. I think the sooner you can act, the better - your H is up to something and I think you've been very compliant with him for a long time and the second you withdraw that, he may react in ways that aren't okay with you.
CWarrior: I also feel sorry for H, he is deeply broken and will stay broken till he is prepared to go through the pain of looking at himself and his pain. I feel sad for him. But I will be long gone by the time he does the work, and I don't believe he will do the work as he has run away and drunk and worked for nearly 2 years instead of looking inwards and getting help. I'm pretty sure he has borderline personality disorder, it fits with his behaviour over our M and also with his abandonment history. I don't believe in diagnosing people willy nilly, but I have witnessed his behaviour over 30 years and it is consistent with BPD or at least disorganised attachment at minimum. Both are not untreatable but I think the chances of improving without professional help are extremely low. I've done a lot of learning in this area to understand H and I've concluded it's fairly hopeless.
Alison: I agree that his reactions might be very strong and extreme. My friends also think he will be hard to divorce despite him being the one who left. I am being very cautious and have considered a forensic accountant. My saving grace is that he works in finance so misleading the system on his assets is fraud and not something he could do lightly if he wants to work again (which he will have to). But that's assuming he is thinking straight which he is not. I have told my lawyer about my concerns and that his finances are complicated and he will have to be giving all his information in full. I trust my lawyer and he seems experienced so I'm sure he will do a good job. I will discuss it this week with him.
H turned up unexpectedly this morning after no contact all week. I would have arranged to be out if I'd known. He suggested a walk and we went for one of our usual walks, nothing discussed of any moment. His only discussions of the future are his travels in the summer and taking the boys away for a week somewhere in France. I said that was fine and would be planning my own travels (with my hot new boyfriend was the bit I left out :)) No discussion of his job stuff so it's still dragging on. No mention of moving house, seriously beyond a joke. He said he bought some furniture for our other house so I assume he's staying there for the forseeable future though he will be away in the summer anyway. No mention of anything else. Then he spent some time with the kids and left. I was outside putting something in the bin and then a neighbour went past and chatted to me. H after about 5 minutes drove past in the hire van and he saw that I saw him. Funny. Bet he doesn't say anything about it. I was so relieved when he left.
Another date this afternoon, yesterday's was a bit disastrous as he really wanted sex but I told him I had to fancy him and in person I didn't. He was nice enough about it though. Hopefully this afternoon will be better! I'm chatting to another few men who seem ok, we shall see. I am trying to just enjoy it and shrug off the weirdos. There are a lot of them lol
Why did you go on the walk with him, Dilly? I understand how he's horrible company, he's lying to you and yourself and you hate that (anyone would) and that he shows you less care and interest than would be reasonable to expect from a polite acquaintance. Are you afraid of what would happen if you say 'no' when he asks you to walk with him? I have no idea why he wants those walks, other than perhaps he likes the idea of a woman listening and nodding and making sympathetic noises when he lists his future plans and current self inflicted woes. But you don't have to provide that service, and I don't know why you would. It seems there's a lot of indirectness going on here - his is obvious, and you can't control it, but yours is more subtle - there's an inauthenticity in you that isn't equal to his dishonesty, but is on a spectrum with it. Spending optional social time without someone who treats you badly, who you dislike, and whose behaviour has a horrible effect on you seems strange. Is that something you could change?
Allison, I can answer that. She's still attached. Checking his activity on the joint account. Looking up his pictures on iCloud, jumping at the opportunity to go on a walk all = still attached.
Alison: when he turned up unannounced I was still in my pyjamas so couldn't exactly make out like I was off out anywhere. I am quite frightened of him actually, don't want to poke him into bad behaviour until I have my divorce ducks in a row. Lawyer is sending me over initial stuff tomorrow. I'm still undecided about when to tell H I'm initiating divorce, I kind of keep expecting him to say he's doing it or dropping some other bomb, but in any case if he doesn't I will. I would prefer him to do it as hopefully he would feel guilty enough to behave well and be amicable, but I'm not hanging about forever, I need to protect myself and I hate his deception so much I just want to cut things off now.
Steve: I can see why you might think that, and for a long time maybe that would have been true. However, now it's not. I am detached. The joint account I have to check sometimes to make sure he's not doing anything too outrageous with our joint funds as I don't trust him. The icloud thing I was searching for a decent photo of me to upload and happened across his selfies and thought how stupid I had been not to realise. The walk, I'm just keeping things civil.
My date last night was fantastic, 3 hours talking to a hot, clever, funny man. We are going to meet again sometime. I'm not sure he has the time to devote to a R with me but I'll just play it by ear and keep dating other men too. I really really liked him so I hope it goes somewhere. Best of a bad bunch by a mile!
But you don't have to have an excuse of having somewhere else to go or to to be, Dilly. You can just say you don't feel like it, or you had plans to take a bath and read a book, or you just prefer not to. I think it's worth sitting a while with the discomfort of that fear of his reaction if you said no to doing something you didn't want to do. You already have a lawyer, you're confident that lawyer can handle the money side of things and you don't think it is likely that your H would hide money given his job. So what else are you scared of? I think getting to the bottom of this would help you make freer decisions. After all - you're dating, seeing a lawyer, planning a divorce, and open to a sexual relationship with someone else. You're single. So is your H. You can be FREE from having to go on walks with an unpleasant man just as soon as you like.
Alison: I am afraid of all hell breaking loose when I tell him I'm filing for D. And I would like to keep it under wraps if possible until after the summer so I can spend time in my other house if I can. Seeing as he seems to have stolen it from me (I actually feel very aggrieved that he's there, though maybe better than him spending lots of money on rent for his other house he wasn't using). So if the price for that is an hour's walk with a miserable sod once a week then I can tolerate that. Plus I have no other way of knowing what's happening with his job, since he is pretty much NC. So I'm continuing to play the long game at least for the time being.
Still he's taking all this cash out. Then spent £800 on...something. He did get another month's pay though, presumably because he has still not finalised leaving. The whole taking money out and spending money thing is bizarre, is he trying to provoke me into an R talk? Or does he think I don't notice? I find it all so disgusting that staying NC is pretty easy.
I set up all the initial stuff with my lawyer, he says I can get everything drafted ready to file without H being involved. I want to discuss a bunch of stuff with him but would prefer to wait till H gets his money so the picture is clearer, so probably next week. I've been feeling poorly this week and a bit sorry for myself so not really up to discussing D. I will be documenting our financials ready for next week though. And I threw out a bunch of H's stuff this morning, that felt liberating.
Why are you going to tell him you are filing for D? Just go file. He'll find out when he is served.
Oh yes, that's what I intend to do. I meant when he finds out I'm filing for D. I'm still half expecting him to tell me he's filing for D once he finishes his job, but I've learnt that expectations are pretty pointless in all this.
Hi Dilly,
I'm still trying to catch up on what's been happening with you - mainly skim reading - so I may have missed a bit here and there.
Online dating ... you go girl. And it sounds like you're having a blast with it. You are such a different person from the one I first met here. Have you been inundated with the shirtless men in their 20's (great abs, no brains) ?!?!?
I am quite frightened of him actually, don't want to poke him into bad behaviour until I have my divorce ducks in a row
I am completely with you on this. I get told that I let my H get away with far too much, but honestly, sometimes it's just easier to agree with him (when it really doesn't matter) then we get into one of those cold standoff arguments. I tend to just say "Ok" or "Cool" so that the conversation gets shut down. As for checking accounts or your icloud I'm fairly detached, but every now and then something will rear it's ugly head, and I'll whisper b***rd in my head. Nothing to do with wanting him back. More to do with feeling lied to and betrayed. I'd whisper b****rd in my head if I went to work and discovered someone had used my stapler and left me with no stapples.
I get Alison's point too re the walk. I probably wouldn't even go as far as explaining. I'd just say "I'm good, you go". Whilst I tend to just let things slide (these are mostly random comments he makes about the state of the world, people we know etc), when it comes to something that requires an action, I have no issues saying "no" if it doesn't suit.
Yes, FS, it's the lying and betrayal which is just pinpricking its way throughout all this. The OBVIOUS lying and betrayal, because taking out so much cash during a pandemic feels like he's deliberately trying to provoke me or test me or something. I'm not biting yet.
Interesting thing this afternoon. An email to our joint account saying that someone in West Sussex had logged onto our (joint) Netflix account. Our other house is not in West Sussex. And oh look, that £800 he spent a few days ago is about the right amount for a large telly isn't it? I was so ridiculously triggered. I left the email as read. Texted H about something to do with the builder (I had to do this anyway) but asked him if he was there. He rang back about 10 minutes later sounding flustered saying he was at the supermarket and I explained about the builder stuff. There was some evidence that he was at our other house. He immediately rang ds2 to talk to him (interesting timing?) and then about 5 minutes later the email was deleted. Is he setting up home with a blonde with big knockers (I know his type now)? I would so much rather he just told me instead of going behind my back and drip feeding me these little lies and betrayals. Anyway, I'm off to change the Netflix password to something abusive
Online dating has kind of fizzled out a bit. Hard to find someone suitable, though I think I could have sex any day of the week if I fancied it, and with some rather hot 30 somethings too for some reason. I'm looking for a relationship though, even if only a short term one. One where someone cares about my day and what I'm interested in. H hasn't done that for, well, I can't even remember the last time that was the case. I deserve sooo much better than him. He's welcome to his blonde, she will be miserable
They don't do it to trigger us. It is purely that they don't think of us until after the fact, then maybe out of guilt, or an unwillingness to face conflict, they choose to hide it or rationalise it so they haven't done anything wrong, or we did something to force their hand and therefore our fault. It's a form of selfriishness followed by self protection.
That they continue to hide it even after you've seen the evidence is ridiculous. Strangely, I bet, now if you mention seeing the email, he will somehow either say that you're lying or say something like "yeah, so what", like your being neurotic, thereby completely missing the point and again making it seem somehow, like you're in the wrong.
Re-frame it. He is not trying to hurt you. It is not about you. He is doing what he thinks is right (you don't even come into it) and then he hides it to protect himself from a painful emotional confrontation (again, not about you, about him).
I missed the entries about the blonde. How are feeling about that?
Thank you FS, that is helpful. The blonde is a nominal blonde, I am kind of assuming there is one given his secretive behaviour. If I'm prepared for it, it'll hurt less when I find out, right? Probably not.
I am struggling big time today with feelings of rejection, abandonment and not wanting D. This is kind of weird because I had a nice morning out with a walking group which I enjoyed. Met a nice bloke I wouldn't mind getting to know better, he was funny and interesting and foreign. Not bad looking. We had lots in common. But about halfway through the walk I stopped having fun and started feeling these horrible feelings. It was like stepping back in time 6 months or a year. Strange. I don't really know how to get away from these feelings, so I will just feel them and trust that life will seem less horrible in a few hours or tomorrow or whatever. This process is definitely not linear, is it?
It will hurt. There is no doubt. Rejection is rejection. I had a long conversation with an old friend today. Half way through I was in tears. I have no interest in finding out if she’s blonde, skinny, tall or whatever. I have no interest in her at all. But, d@mn, if knowing he is with someone doesn’t increase my own sense of loneliness.
And, yes, I still had those moments when I would be out with people and having a great time, but then, I remember I’m supposed to be sad, and it comes flooding back.
But dilly, those feelings are not about him. Whereas before it was all about him, now they are about me. My loneliness. My feelings of rejection. And I might not be able to fix my M or fix him, but I can fix me. You’ve got this. And it is absolutely ok to miss being part of a couple from time to time. Feel it. Just don’t dwell in it.
X
Yes, I agree, I knew that it was about me not him. I was having a bad week of online dating plus job hunting rejection. Trying to do both at once is tough, you're constantly blowing your own trumpet and feeling under the microscope, then if you're told you don't measure up it feels like rejection instead of just not the right person/job/time. Oh well.
Things have been crazy this week. After an online dating lull there was suddenly a burst of activity. I think maybe dating more than one person at a time will be like this. I met a nice man on one website and we spent 2 days texting each other. I really liked his sense of humour and his cleverness. He is very smart and funny. Wasn't sure about his physical attractiveness so I moved up our date to Tuesday. Met him and thought maybe it was time to lose my virginity lol. So we spent the afternoon in bed. There were some really good bits and some disppointing ones (dating late 40s/50s guys will have its downsides...) Afterwards we went for a walk and I started feeling a bit trapped. Maybe it was all too much too soon. Kind of glad to have got it out of the way with someone nice though. On paper he is perfect, he's very single, no kids, good job, works not too many hours so plenty of time for me, is funny and smart. Physically he is not that attractive, he is a bit overweight and not fit at all. Looking after my body is very important to me, so being with someone who doesn't value his health is kind of a turnoff. Especially as he works in health! Also, I feel like maybe he's not active enough in terms of other interests. I like to be doing lots of things all the time, both physical and mental. Not sure he's like that. Anyway he has been texting and lot and I feel myself distancing, but I think it's me, not him. I need to have an honest conversation with him about this, he is much too nice to string along or not be honest with. Maybe I should go back to counselling to explore my behaviours here.
Another bloke I dated a few times asked me to go see the solstice with him Saturday morning and I jumped at the chance, when this new bloke wants to see me Saturday. So I guess I'm avoiding him. The solstice bloke, we don't fancy each other but we enjoy each other's company. Maybe I need some companionship right now with no romantic relationships?
The bloke I really fancy has not been in touch much at all. That's not why I fancy him, I really liked him when we met. We had a 3 hour picnic and a lot of fun. I'm not sure why he's so unavailable, but I really want someone to spend more than a few hours a fortnight with. So there's that, too. Typical, the one I really like I can't have
H is finishing his job today I think, and picking up ds1 for a few days visiting. I offered to take ds2 to him for father's day and collect ds1. I need to hear what is happening with his payout, it should be today. I am anticipating an R talk of some kind, probably him saying he wants D. That would be ok I think. I will survive.
Another update. Told the chap I slept with that I wasn't ready for a R, he was really keen on me and he was great on paper but I think I'm so used to my H being horrible to me for so many years that subconsciously I can't handle someone being nice to me. I might stay friends with him. I text one of the other chaps I dated twice a few times a day, we don't fancy each other though so no pressure either side. I have a couple more dates lined up but then I think I might take a break for a while. I'm happy enough with friends and walking groups right now, my life is pretty busy and it would be best focusing on friends and job applications for a bit.
H has still not finished his job. I need to talk to him about financial stuff. It's not my way to raise subjects but this is important stuff. In a funny way I have a bit more empathy with H right now, he is not ready for a R with anyone and probably feels trapped if I go anywhere near him, a bit like my last date. I'm in no hurry to push anything along at all, though I will get things sorted in readiness for D without telling H about it yet. Looks like I'm choosing limbo for a while longer.
Oh, and my best friend told me about her dad yesterday. 30 years ago when he was 40 he left his career, was spinning and though he was in love with someone and was all ready to leave the family. He came to his senses eventually and is still with her mum. I must ask her how long that all took...
Wow, Dilly. You've been busy! How are you?
I like the idea of you making new friends, setting boundaries, having some fun, and finding out what you want as a single woman. Who cares how long it takes for your H to come out of whatever fog he is in, start telling the truth, and decide that he wants you? That might or might not happen. Perhaps he's setting boundaries of his own and keeping his private life private, as you are towards him. I don't know.
How are you doing? How are your sons?
I have been busy. A few more dates, plenty of chatting to people via text. It's been interesting and sometimes a lot of fun. I do seem to have made new friends out of this, which is nice. And I have some fantastically funny stories which I share with my friends, dating can be hilarious. I don't think I want a relationship right now, getting lots more social contact now lockdown is mostly over has been enough to quell the loneliness. I think I do fancy some more sex though, just got to find someone suitable and not break their heart in the process.
My sons seem to be doing pretty well, ds2 is back to school one day a week which is good for him, and he's started doing school work and has finally met up with friends. Ds1 is working a bit more now, which is good. I've had some nice times with them recently, particularly when ds1 went to visit his dad and it was just me and ds2.
We went to see H for father's day. He was quite miserable and at one point really lost his temper when I pointed out something he said which was incorrect, it was quite amusing actually. He told me he's getting a dog. The exact same type he had as a teen and which his mum got rid of when she had her affairs and moved them around and then abandoned them. How very symbolic. When he told the kids about the dog there was complete radio silence from them. You could almost see everyone thinking 'you're replacing your family with a DOG?' I think it's incredibly selfish of him to get a dog and then to go off travelling for a while, but selfishness is his modus operandus right now. Maybe a dog might help him to heal some of his abandonment issues. It probably won't fix him though, any more than wine has or his probably A did. At some stage he has to look internally, surely? I was also pretty angry with him for moving ALL his crap into our other house. It feels cramped and cluttered now, and I put a lot of effort into keeping it clear and clean. He hasn't cleaned the place in months. He seems to be settled there for a while, talked about not working this calendar this year and never going back to work in an office in town again. Hey ho. A judge might have different opinions. His payout seems to be inching ever so much closer. I do need to get my divorce ducks in a row. I have no plans to replace H any time soon with a better model but best to be prepared for the future. H might never fix himself enough to come back, and even if he started now it would be years of work which I doubt he's capable of. It's sad, I felt very sad as well as angry when I saw him on Sunday. He missed out on so much by being such a crap dad and husband. I feel sorry for him. Anyway, just getting on with my life, going for plenty of walks and runs and meeting new people and seeing my friends and having fun and enjoying the summer and trying to squeeze a bit of job hunting in. Life is pretty good all in all.
Hi Dilly
I have again given up on the dating sites (i'm still on it and I get a couple of 'hi's' each day) but I can't be bothered to be honest. I seriously fear that I will never really be interested again.
Re the dog. You're reading too much into it. He wants a dog. Let him have a dog. It might help heal his abandonment issues, it might not. It might make him feel less alone, it might not. He might be (unconsciously) trying to replace his family or he could just want some company in the evening and someone who is happy to great him when he gets home.
What's the situation with your second home? Was it a rental that he has decided to live in or is it a second home that you would use for holidays. Sorry if a bit intrusive, just trying to understand ...
FS: I can understand why people go through phases of online dating, it is pretty tiring and you have to kiss a LOT of frogs! I also wonder if I will ever want a R again, but I think we just need to keep healing after our long marriages and eventually we will be open to someone new. That's what I think and what I've seen happen to friends too.
The dog I am definitely not reading too much into! And part of me thinks that he believes his family didn't love him unconditionally enough so he's getting a dog to do that. I do hope it helps him, I really do. It is definitely no coincidence though that he's getting the exact same type of dog that he was devastated about his mum getting rid of during her MLC. The dog seems all part of his MLC, and I don't think it's particularly fair to drag either an animal or a human into your MLC. We'll see. It's not really my business. Other than this type of dog needs about 4 hours exercise a day and destroys houses if left alone too long. The second home was exactly that, somewhere to spend weekends and school holidays. I am really attached to the place, I often used to go there for a few days just by myself or occasionally with a friend as well as with the family. I went probably once a fortnight or so, and I really do miss both the place and the house. I'm angry that he's taken it over. Knowing him though he won't stay there for that long. He will say that it's 'not big enough' because he will have filled it with all his crap that he never whittles down, and then he'll move elsewhere. Part of my long game is talking to my solicitor about me possibly buying it in the future if I can afford to. He's hunkering down there now but won't want to live there forever, if I know him at all. Talking of H's stuff, I have been getting rid of more of H's stuff now that textile banks and charity shops are open again. Another boot full of his clothes and shoes and probably a few more to go. I already got rid of lots of his stuff before but the house is full of it. This really is a man who is addicted to getting new things and then ignoring them but never getting rid of them. I should have thought more of that when he first left, that he would do the same with his family...
Yeah, it's just a dog. You only need to get shocked or upset about him replacing his family with a dog if that's the story you tell yourself - and endorse your kids telling themselves. Good dads in family homes get dogs too.
All your dating adventures make me a bit envious. I'd quite like some fun and wining and dining too - though it sounds also a bit too much like hard work! I don't think I've dressed in anything other than my scruff bag outfits for three months or more...
Ah, Ok. I get it.
It's your (family) holiday home and he's unilaterally taken it over. I guess my comment would be let him and try not to let it bother you. Avoid going to visit if you have to because I know it's tough being there (and you feel emotionally attached to the house) and have him 'living' there. It will be all sorted as part of the financial settlement (if it gets to that).
Not the same thing, but every time I go to my H's flat (not been there in a long time, and probably less than 10 times since he moved out) I consciously make an effort NOT to look around. Eyes straight forward, back straight. Stand close to the front door and stay as short a time as possible. This is because my eyes will always fixate on something that I bought and he took when he left without asking - whether it be a picture frame (with the picture of us removed, replaced by a picture of him and the girls/just the girls), a cooking pot / set of glasses. It winds me up seeing things which I see as mine in his flat even though I probably hadn't even noticed he'd taken it.
Yes, FS, it was mostly the fact that he just did it without even telling me. Moved all his crap out of his rental place and into my home without so much as the courtesy of letting me know. His selfishness recently has been absolute. Something quite dramatic happened the other day concerning the kids (it's all fine, but it was me who had to deal with it) and I was so upset about that and some similar stressful stuff it triggered from about 5 years ago that I cried down the phone at H. He pretty much ignored me and then did not follow up the next day to see if anything had been resolved from the incident. You'd treat a work colleague better than that. Oh well, I should know better than to even bother telling him stuff like that, even if it does involve the kids. I will prepare myself mentally for saying goodbye to my other house, I'll miss it much more than my H...Actually he took a speaker the other day from this house (I don't use it) but you would think that courtesy would dictate saying something like 'just taking this' instead of sneaking it out of the house! Pathetic. I'm pretty sure he has finally finished his job, we need to discuss finances. Might trigger D talk, who knows.
Dating stuff has gone a bit quiet again, it goes in fits and starts. There is no wining or dining yet Alison, nothing is open
Covid doesn't stop men asking for sex though, lol, even a threesome request yesterday. I'm treating it as a bit of light entertainment right now, properly suitable men are hard to find and it's a numbers gae. I've been going out running and walking with friends and doing more walks with groups, it's a lovely way to chat to people and enjoy the outdoors on long evenings. I never would have done this in the past, I would have had to wait for a grumpy miserable husband to get home late (maybe, he was often out 3+ nights with work), complain he didn't like whatever I had made for dinner and then he'd get a takeaway and then go to bed at 9pm after watching an hour of sport on tv (I hate sport). I do not miss any aspect of that bit of marriage! Dressing up for dates is fun after months of slobbing round the house, Alison! Hopefully I will find someone half decent to go out with by the time places are properly open to go out to
And if I haven't, then I will just join more groups and find new friends to do stuff with
Haha - I remember your early posts where you were desperately missing sex and thought you'd never have it ever again.
My H took my old laptop (without asking) a couple of months after he MO (he snuck it out on one of his foraging trips to the house). I bought that laptop from my company account. It is very much my laptop and not a marital asset. But it didn't work (something wrong with the battery) and it hasn't been turned on in years so I just shrugged my shoulders and let it go. I had completely forgotten, but just after lock down the laptio reappeared as found on my "devices list" in icloud. Not only was it "found" but it is now called "[H full name] macbook pro" (though location services has been turned off). Not going to lie, I felt a little surge of anger rise up when I saw it. The laptop hasn't worked in years, I don't need it, I don't want it. But I still felt resentment that he had taken it and is using it.
I found something similar with the online dating app I used last year where the conversation would suddenly turn sexual after 2 or 3 messages (if not on the first message). I spent so long filtering out the rubbish that I ended up turning it off again. I decided to use a different app and put on my profile not to bother contacting me if they were only interested in a casual hookup so my experience this time round has been a little different. It was still a lot of admin so I turned the profile to invisible as couldn't be bothered. I did start talking to one chap who I am meeting on Sunday (we are going for a suitably social distanced walk in the park).
Well, how quickly life can change after long periods of inactivity! So much for me saying I didn't want a new relationship. Last Saturday I matched with a chap on a dating app. Exchanged a few pleasantries and it didn't go anywhere. I lined up 2 more dates with other men. Saturday night he messages me something a bit silly and inappropriate and I kind of laughed it off. Then next morning I messaged him just to check if he was only after kinky sex in which case he could look elsewhere. He apologised and said he'd been a bit tipsy and we got chatting.
Long story short we spent 2 days texting each other, then I went to visit him and we basically went straight to bed and stayed there most of the day. Plenty more texting the next day and yesterday I spent the day with him again. Mostly but not all in bed (funny to think I felt like I'd never have sex again, lol). I've known him 5 days and I am incredibly attracted to him physically (obviously) but also very fond of him. We laugh a lot and he is highly intelligent and well educated. He's not entirely suitable as he's currently unemployed and hasn't had a great career history (some mental health issues in the past I think but he seems fairly sorted now). But I'm financially independent so that doesn't matter much to me. He offered to pay my petrol money yesterday so he is clearly not a gold digger! He is very sweet, very laidback, very thoughtful, likes the same music as me and has lived a lot of life despite being much younger (13 years!) He seems equally keen on me...And despite his age he has never wanted kids, so that is not an issue.
So I don't know how it will be after the initial lust phase wears off, but we get on fantastically well and make each other laugh a lot, our senses of humour match as much as our bodies. So, watch this space for further developments. I'm trying hard not to rush things too much (she says, after basically meeting him and jumping into bed with him, lol, he says I'm a brazen hussy :))
I told the divorce lawyer I want to go ahead and move towards D. Will work out what questions to ask him over the weekend for a call next week. September seems the most obvious time since that is 2 years separated. I feel much kinder towards H now I have found someone new. In a funny way my new man reminds me of H when we first started going out at 19. He has a sweet playfulness which I love (I am quite playful myself) but H lost it over the years, buried under alcoholism and workaholism and his childhood abandonment issues. I feel compassion for him. I hope he is happy in the future. I think I won't be in it. He is taking the kids away on holiday in August and I plan to take them away somewhere else in August. I think he's telling his family about our separation (they are obviously not close, lol) I don't know how H will take me asking for D but hopefully well. I would like to be amicable about it. I might give him a few weeks to unwind after finishing work and getting his dog before broaching it. I think we could actually stay friendly, if not friends, in future. Certainly we both have the kids' best interests in mind, he was a rubbish dad but he's not an unkind one.
Crikey, Dilly! And all after 5 days.
It is so lovely to know that you are having fun and getting plenty of shagging and laughter and that the idea of moving on isn't so scary any more. You deserve all the good things.
Dilly-D, wow, just getting caught up :-0 Bravo, sister!
I am so glad to read you are getting along and moving forward! Even if this new guy doesn't turn out to be anything long term, why not have some fun and enjoy yourself a bit. I know it's a very anti-DB thing to say, but I do feel that when we get to a certain point in this process that dating can be a good thing! If anything it can be fun to just meet new people, get your mind off of the ugliness of the sitch (GAL) and it is a reminder that yes, there are other people in the world that want us. Mostly, it helps with detachment. Sometimes I think I should have done more of that during my separation when I had the opportunity. lol. As long as you are honest with the other person and not leading them in any wrong direction, I don't think there is some long amount of time a person needs to wait, as it is different for each one of us.
My BFF ended a longer term R after 15 years and this man was with her and her son (5-15 year old) but they did not end up getting married. It took a few years for her to end it completely. She was hesitant to start online dating, but did with encouragement. It seems like the less expectations she had, the more light and fun she kept it. She dated/talked to several guys for about a year. The last year she ended up meeting someone that she has been with for over a year now and he is a much better match for her than her previous partner. She has some regrets about staying with him for those 15 plus years, but she doesn't think about it much now.
Sounds like your H is far from looking at his issues or working things out with you. The dog thing is strange for sure. I hope your kids don't feel replaced -- that is sad to think about. And I do hope you are keeping good records of his earnings and spending as it doesn't sound like he has been honest.
Glad to see you are moving forward and feeling good about it. I wish you the best!
Blu
Thanks Alison! Well it's been 2 weeks on Tuesday since I met the Youngster (he has other nicknames with other friends but that can be his on here lol) We've spent a lot of time together though he got a job at last and it's full time so I can't see quite as much of him. He works odd days and shifts though so we will manage somehow as my life is full but fairly flexible. Husband is taking the kids away for about 10 days at the end of the month so I will probably move in for that time and he's wangling some time off to come and visit me here 'in my natural habitat' lol. The sex is frankly astonishing, and he is very tactile beyond sex, which I really like. Snogging on the beach with a bottle of wine is a lovely way to spend the day
More than that though I've really become very attached to him. I think I love him although it's early days. He's very outspoken and says what's on his mind, even if it's something he thinks I might not like (but in a nice way). He's unbelievably perceptive, he's said things about me which my counsellor never worked out in 6 months. He's also very honest about his own feelings and will say if he's feeling vulnerable about something. He says he's never felt like this about anyone else, but also that if I decided to get back together with my husband then that would be ok with him, he just wants me to be happy. I think he genuinely means that, he has so much less competitiveness and ego compared with my husband it's amazing! He's looked after me very well when I've stayed over, cooking me delicious meals and buying me tiny presents even though he's currently broke. I know this is all the early stages where everything is lovely, but we feel very comfortable together and talk for hours. I hope it lasts, I can see myself living with him in the future maybe. He's very respectful of me needing to do stuff or spend time with my kids, and I look forward to being able to introduce them. I think they'd get on well together. He's the opposite of H in many ways. Very calm and laid back which is not something H ever was!!
One thing which I'm surprised at is how much I enjoy sharing bits of my life and both happy and sad memories from my past. I thought H leaving had contaminated those for good, but it turns out with someone I really care for it's lovely. I think leaving it so long before dating was a good decision. Before I started dating the idea of a new relationship felt like enormously hard work and the thought of getting to know someone new seemed exhausting. I'm enjoying every minute of it right now though!
I started the divorce stuff going ahead, the lawyer has drafted a letter and suggests I tell H before sending it. There is a lot of admin to do which is going to be time consuming and a pain but will be worth it. I am happy to go ahead with D now. I actually hope H and I can be friendly if not friends, I think it's possible if he can get over me being with someone else. He seems happier with his new puppy. I hope he finds happiness. I suspect he won't and is not capable of it, but I do wish him well. I guess that's the ultimate detachment! I hope the finances side of D will be amicable and as easy as possible.
So, that's my update. I was happy before meeting the Youngster and now I really am as happy as it is possible to be. I'd like to spend more time with him but am in a very contented place and getting on with life stuff as much as possible when I'm not with him. I actually have a bike ride planned with the bloke I dated first as we've been texting each other and we like each other as friends. He and the Youngster have a bit of banter going via me, it's quite funny. I think he's a bit jealous of me finding someone I like so much but that gives him something to aim for! It's nice to have a male friend and he makes me laugh a lot, I give him dating advice too which he usually ignores
My life has improved so much in the last few months I sometimes have to pinch myself! Long may it last
I am so happy to hear this, Dilly. It is no less than you deserve!!
When do you plan to tell your H about the divorce papers?
Hi dilly -
Thanks for passing by my thread.
I'm glad that you are feeling better and in good spirits.
The only thing I might suggest is to take it slow with the new R - you don't have to rush, you've got plenty of time.
Take care.
Haha, easier said than done, IW! I was trying to take things slow but my new man (and maybe hormones, being honest) have had other ideas. However, my new man has been quite awkward the last few days. There are some things about him which, lovely though he is, might be too big a stumbling block to us having a future. We will see. I'm actually ok about it ending or continuing, I just refuse to make my future happiness contingent upon a relationship ever again. So I asked him to back off for a bit, if he throws a tantrum and dumps me then that would be doing me a favour as I'm not sure I could be with someone too emotionally volatile. I had that with H! Part of me worries that new man has too much in common with younger H, even though many of those qualities are positive. I'm happy either way
I also have a really nice new friendship with one bloke I met on the dating app, we went for a walk yesterday and had a great time, we text each other most days too. It's really lovely to have a male friend with no complications. We discuss our relationships and get another perspective, that is great. Nothing sexual between us!
Yesterday H came over with the new puppy. It was heartbreaking to me to see him lavish the love on the dog which he was mostly incapable of lavishing on our family. Really, truly hurtful and I spent half the day in tears before he left. I was intending to broach the topic of D but I was just too emotional to do so. I told my lawyer I will do it when H comes to pick up ds2. On our 26th anniversary. Oh, the irony. Anyway, I feel more stable now. Emotionally bruised from yesterday and from new man being overly demanding, but getting back my balance. It'll all be ok, I know it. I have faith in myself and in my future capacity to look after myself and others.
It was heartbreaking to me to see him lavish the love on the dog which he was mostly incapable of lavishing on our family
I completely feel you on this. The way my lavishes attention on our dog is heartbreaking. There were days when he barely acknowledged me (not so much as a hello or a goodbye) but he would always sit on the steps when he arrived/left and play with our dog. He also started coming around every day and taking her for long walks (apparently because he didn't trust me to do it). On days he has the children, he even brings them back here so he can take our dog for a walk. It hurt at first. All that love shown to everyone but me. I get it now though - it felt awkward for him being here, so it was easier to focus his attention on our dog than have to deal with the tension in the room. An excuse to be here. Our dog didn't stare at him with hurt accusatory eyes. She wasn't seeking explanations. She just loved him. Anyway, I don't think it is the same anymore. Coming here and taking her for a walk is habit now as opposed to him being lonely and wanting to be back in familiar surroundings. Anyway, something to think about next time you watch your H lavishing attention on his puppy. It's not about you, it's about them not knowing what to do when they are around you. A form of fidgeting, if you will.
Isn't it strange how the issues that pop up with younger men are never issues with younger women. It's such a topic of conversation ... whenever anyone approaches me on an app who is younger, the "age" thing creeps up round about the third or so message or it hangs over the entire conversation thread like a silent balloon ("this might be fun for a while, but it has no future"). Even when you take things day by day it still lingers, like a bad smell you can't shake. I was dating a 25 year old last year. We got on brilliantly, liked the same things etc. But I never introduced him to my friends, and he never introduced me to his. It was like a kind of dirty secret. In all honesty, he WAS too young.
Anyway, wanted to say thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm sorry that you were thrown the other day. But I can see that, like me, these little set backs don't really set you back for long. A little bump in the road, a quiet tear, then back to getting on with it. Stay strong Dilly.
Haha, easier said than done, IW! I was trying to take things slow but my new man (and maybe hormones, being honest) have had other ideas. However, my new man has been quite awkward the last few days. There are some things about him which, lovely though he is, might be too big a stumbling block to us having a future. We will see. I'm actually ok about it ending or continuing, I just refuse to make my future happiness contingent upon a relationship ever again. So I asked him to back off for a bit, if he throws a tantrum and dumps me then that would be doing me a favour as I'm not sure I could be with someone too emotionally volatile. I had that with H! Part of me worries that new man has too much in common with younger H, even though many of those qualities are positive. I'm happy either way
Hi dilly -
Everyone has to do what they feel is the right thing for themselves, especially after the huge amount of trauma we have all been through.
This is only from my view so take it with a grain of salt - part of the reason I am not interested in dating or meeting new people is precisely what you wrote about above. I feel I'm just done. Really and truly. I dont have the energy or the time or the patience to put on all the airs of courting or whatever that passes for these days. I'm almost 50 - I've done all that before and I did not particularly enjoy it the first time around.
Plus i know without a doubt that it would take quite a while (ATM feels like 5 years maybe even 10) before i would not project my current situation forward into any new one. I'm already distrusting people as a result of all of this - something I'm working on in IC.
That being said I know feelings do change. But for the interim I feel getting myself back is of top priority at the moment, and if someone isn't okay with that - there are lots of other fish in the sea - go for it! Lol
Anyway the reason I wrote all that is to say that you have the right to go as fast or as slow as you want. You have the control here - if buddy boy is going too fast and you're not comfortable with it, you're well within your rights to tell him to back off. After all we've all been through h3ll and do not need more drama in our lives
Stay strong - take care.
Hi everyone, it's been a while! I've been busy, having fun and living a great life
I finished it with the Youngster as the red flags turned into massive giant red banners. Well actually I made him finish with me as I realised his ego could not cope with me ending it. He tried to backtrack and I was having none of it, then he sent me just the most outrageous, deeply unstable messages you've read. Someone can hide their trauma for a couple of weeks but after that it leaks out. He had a LOT of trauma clearly. I am so relieved it's over, and that he has backed off now. I was going to have to block him. The sex was amazing, he had so much potential, but fundamentally he wasn't able to take responsibility for himself so there was no way I was tolerating that. Had that with my H!! This bloke also wanted me to spend lots of time with me and I wasn't comfortable doing that at the expense of my kids, another big red flag...
I will start another post as this will be super long otherwise!
OK, so I was quite happy staying single for a while but I owed one chap a date and 2 other decent looking men had contacted me so I thought fine, will have a few more dates since H has taken the kids away for 10 days and it'll fill the time...
Date 1 queue jumped as he's going camping with his teenage kids for a few days, I liked him enough via text to meet up on Friday evening. I found him very interesting indeed although he is a bit odd! Very energetic both physically and mentally (like me!), talks fast (like me!) and is VERY enthusiastic (like me!) He's not amazingly attractive but is not unattractive and is fit (which is important), I did sleep with him and it wasn't great but he was very enthusiastic (again, lol) and it might get better, it was good enough to repeat and he did have a 34 year old as my most recent experience!! We have been texting each other a lot ever since, he sends me selfies and random stuff and has an interesting job. His marriage was 25 years long and he's been separated for 2 years so about the same as me, it's nice having similar experiences to compare though he was the one who left...I feel quite optimistic about this man, I smile whenever I think about him and am curious to find out more though not completely desperate to spend time together, it's kind of nice dating via text and his kids come first for him as well (they are 1 year younger than mine).
Date 2 was a washout, I actually didn't like him very much and although he was very clever and we had some interesting conversations it was a definite no. Phew.
Date 3 I might not go on. He is a ridiculously good looking man who got out of a 10 year relationship in February, so to my mind he probably shouldn't even be dating. He booked a table but has not contacted me since. No good vibes here but I will meet him if he doesn't cancel. I think I will date ADHD man exclusively for a while and see how it goes. He is buying a house in a month and says he hopes I like it, I think he's very keen for us to see more of each other but he also makes it clear that he has a busy life, he likes that I have a busy life, and that he's not expecting some grand romance where we move in together immediately. I think at this stage that would be just fine. Plus, he lives quite near where ds1 is going to uni and I will be going there and back every term..The date was crazy golf, which I told him I love, and was a lot of fun. I really have high hopes for this man! But if it doesn't work out it's no big deal, I will be more cautious with him after the last one even though it's not really in my nature!!
OK final installment next!
Oh, I forgot to say ADHD man has LOADS of interests, has a degree from a top notch uni (all 3 men I slept with did, maybe I am a uni snob?!) and has a great sense of humour but also texts me mundane stuff and likes when I text mundane stuff back. Having someone to share tiny moments and silly things with is important to me, so I really like that.
Anyway, back to my final installment. H has taken the kids away and I told him I would come and stay at our other house for a few days. I'm here now and it is all very odd. I think he is so messed up. The sink has 6 dirty wine glasses in it, there are 4 empty wine bottles nearby and the house is quite dirty and unkempt. He bought this flashy chest of drawers for the bedroom as there is not much clothes storage, but the drawers are so heavy they can't go upstairs! So the place looks terribly cluttered. H never throws things out and is a shopaholic who loves clothes so I just cannot see him staying here especially as there is no garden for his hyperactive dog (plus he used to get bored here when we visited before). I want to have the option to buy him out, even if I have to borrow money from my parents. I love this place so much. The weird stuff: a music exam certificate of ds1's from about 5 years ago displayed on the bookshelf, and a patchwork quilt with MUM on it and some photos of babies (are these his secret love children??!!) Quite mystifying. I went through all the drawers everywhere and found a bank account he is opening (might be the separate accounts he said we should have, though he doesn't know I know about the secret one...) And I took photos of anything which looked like it might be useful like his leaving work contract and stuff in a notebook (there was one entry in his awful handwriting suggesting he was getting a bigger payout, so I will be requesting proper evidence...). No evidence of anything to do with divorce though that could all be via email or in a spreadsheet on his computer at this stage I suppose. I won't hack into his laptop, if he leaves paperwork lying about when he knows I'm visiting that is fair game but I won't do anything unethical.
I feel a bit uncomfortable here, and also angry that he unilaterally moved into somewhere he knows I care about a lot. Will try to have fun here and forget about him though!! I really feel sorry for him, he is so messed up. I hope the kids coped with the long drive with him in his new convertible (lol, what a cliche, buying a convertible when you are having a MLC!!)
Hi Dilly
Thanks for visiting my thread. You have been busy on the dating front. It makes me laugh thinking of that woman who first came on her who thought she'd never have physical intimacy again !!!
Re your H. I get the snooping. You want to be prepared for the battle to come. Also, a little bit of it is even if you've moved on, is a trigger for you. The thing about triggers is they bring out the worst in us. This is why I do not get in his car or visit his flat. They are triggers and the only one who gets hurt is me. I also know my H must feel the same as you do when he comes to visit (even though MO was his 'unilateral' choice). And you know how I feel whenever he is here - an invasion of my privacy, a sense of helplessness and of being on edge. It feels even worse when he is here without me. I know HE is snooping through the drawers leaving me unable to relax and simply enjoy whatever it is I am doing that has taken me away from the house. It is my home and he is trespassing (even though it is his home and he has every legal right to be there).
Ok, enough lecturing. I get it. What you feel and what you are doing is natural and I don't know, after having written the above, what help having written the above is. Perhaps it helps that you know that you're staying there p***es him off
I think you live in the UK. If you do then anything you find on his laptop is inadmissible and you will look like the bad guy.
** sorry that last line sounded harsh. It wasn't meant to be. It is the advice a solicitor gave me a long time ago when I mentioned I had found evidence (when he was still living here) on my laptop that he had applied for a job overseas. She said "Stop!! I can't listen to anything which suggests you broke into his laptop". I let her know it was my laptop and my profile on my laptop he had used and we carried on.
Hello Dilly!
Thanks for checking on my thread too. I always like to hear from you: I feel like we were in the very thick of things at the same time and I always look forward to reading your updates.
Are you feeling steady? You seem to have gone from saying you're just about in love with a man you'd only just met, to getting rid of him, to dating some other people, to snooping on your husband and sounding quite bitter towards him and his quite minor and innocent life choices all in the space of a few weeks. He can live in the house and not clean up after himself if he wants to, and buy daft cars if he wants to. Weren't you about to serve him with divorce papers? Did you decide against that? I struggle to understand why you'd care what he did with his furniture if you are in love with someone else? Can you slow down and just take care of yourself a bit (and date, by all means, as many and as intensely and as often as you see fit, of course) and detach further from what your H is doing or not doing? You have a lawyer involved, you are divorcing him, and you are seeing other people. It is probably time to think of you and your H are two single people, and give him the respect and privacy that a man you are no longer married to is allowed so you have room to cherish yourself as you deserve.
I wish you well x
Alison
Hi everyone, it's been a while! Thanks for your thoughts
I think my last post was a bit emotional and scattered, I think that I was unprepared for seeing just what a terrible state H's mind is in. I had a chat with the neighbour there who described him as deeply, deeply depressed and also drinking far too much. I feel so bad for him, though also secretly glad that it no longer impacts my life too much. Still, it was hard to face the pain he must be in, and how much pain he has had to hide for so long. I was surprisingly ok about the kids being away with H, they said it was not much fun and H was in a bad place and drank a lot, but I suppose they're used to that. I think they did have a couple of fun days.
Back to the far more important topic of my life! Ds1 got great exam results and is off to an amazing uni. So happy for him, he worked so hard. I will miss him a lot and so will ds2, but he will still be home plenty. H came over with his puppy to go out to lunch to celebrate. We had to go to a pub because of the puppy and there was only one pub open locally on weekdays doing lunch which had a garden, and H spent the whole time whining about his food and other complaints. Ugh. You'd think he could put his misery aside for an hour to celebrate ds1's special day...
My new man is really great, we had a 3rd date at the weekend and I spent 12 hours at his place (the kids don't wake up till late afternoon so they barely noticed I was gone, lol) The more time I spend with him the more I like him. We text each other a lot every day, it's nice to have someone to share mundane stuff of life with after years living with someone who couldn't care less about any aspect of my life. I can see this relationship lasting, albeit we won't get to spend a huge amount of time together as he has his kids every other weekend, but they are teens so won't be around forever. Just happy to see him whenever and enjoy the time we spend together, he is keen to do stuff I'm interested in and to go out places and do new things
The sex has got better too
So my life is busy and happy and full, and my new man is the cherry on top of all that. Life is good! I have one part time job starting in a month or so and an interview today for another one, so those will keep me busy too. My art classes are hopefully restarting in September, cross fingers. I have had some lovely days out and runs with friends recently. I was sad to cancel my holiday with the kids, but maybe we can have a few nights camping before school resumes. If not, I'll just drag them to the pub to eat and restaurants and stuff and enjoy being out with them now being out is possible again! I feel like I'm in a good place, and moving forward with my life. The D stuff is going to start in October now as H is away all September. I hope he behaves well, I would like it to be amicable if possible. I'll be happy to accommodate H seeing the kids as much as he wants to, and to spend time together in a friendly way. I don't feel bitterness (most of the time) just sadness really. But also excitement about my life being amazing and rewarding and full of potential for the future!
Two year anniversary of BD, I don't actually remember the exact date but it's around now. Gosh, what a long way I've come. H leaving was the most heartbreaking, awful thing ever to happen to me, even though he was a rubbish H for much of our marriage. But I'm in a good place now, the kids are both doing well and don't seem bothered by H's behaviour other than resenting being replaced by a dog (ds2 said this to me recently...)
H is in a terrible place still, saw him at the weekend and he was whining about everything. So much for leaving because he wasn't happy lol. Such a contrast with my new bloke, who left because he wasn't happy in his marriage and has actually built himself a nice life and seems pretty content...
Things are really good with my new man, he moved house recently and I like his new place. We are planning to go away near the end of October which should be lovely. He's funny and clever and likes to look after me and is pretty good in bed. We match in weird and idiosyncratic ways and our values are aligned, which is important. I like him a huge amount, might be growing to love him though I'm being cautious. When I went to see his new house I could imagine our future grandkids running round the house and garden, so I guess part of me sees a future with him! I've not met his kids or told mine about him though, that can wait till after D starts going through and ds1 is off to uni and settled.
Two years is both a long time and a very short one. I would not wish that amount of pain on my worst enemy, but I think I'm happier now than I was before H left. You know how quadriplegics and lottery winners alike move back to the same happiness level over time after their life changing circumstances? Well, take heart because it's true. Though I think my life is actually nicer now that I don't have H's terrible behaviour to put up with. His misery no longer infects my life, and for that I am thankful. Time to move forward with D in a few weeks, I wonder how H will react?
Dilly... You and I are on similar timelines although my D was final ten months ago and XH is engaged. I am also much much happier than I was when I was married and have found a new guy that is pretty great and could be in my life for a long time. I wish you lots and lots of luck and happiness. (((HUGS)))
Thank you Deja, I wish you good luck and happiness too
I wonder if the spouses who move on quickly to someone new make it easier or harder to heal and move on yourself? I suppose it depends on the dynamic.
I had a difficult day yesterday. H came back from overseas last week so I saw him twice when he came to pick up ds1 and drop him back a few days later (ds1 is off to uni this weekend) Both times I had to go for a walk with H and he whined and complained (his health, the fact that ds2 never answers the phone, life in general and his in particular). It was pretty depressing. I had a long chat with ds2 about him after he left and he thinks the same as me, that H is terrible company and boring and all he has in his life is his dog (and he does seem to shout at his dog a lot lol). I did tell him that his dad loves him and his brother, he just can't demonstrate love to anyone except his puppy right now. Ds2 said 'he's clearly having a terrible midlife crisis. It's not funny, it's horrible to watch'. I'm glad he understands, though I'm sure he finds it very hurtful. Ds1 won't discuss him, and I try hard not to say anything nasty about H and to be kind about him. So yesterday was difficult because I felt sad about H being so broken, I feel dread about discussing D, I feel sad about ds1 leaving home, and I feel a bit anxious about my new job and having to work out lots of new things. I think in the past I would have had all these feelings overwhelm me and not share them with anyone, but nowadays I reach out when I'm having a difficult time. I text my boyfriend or a friend or go for a run and talk with a friend and unburden myself. And then I feel better and ready to get on with things, and also feel closer to the important people in my life for having shared my feelings. I think being in counselling was useful for me to see that showing myself can be a way of getting closer to people, and I try to share instead of hiding my feelings. Doing that with my boyfriend is difficult but so far he's been there for me.
At the weekend H and I were sitting outside talking and H referred to himself as a single parent. Of his DOG! I was gobsmacked. Such a terrible thing to say in so many ways. He didn't mean it to be hurtful, I think in the strangest way he might have been trying to express empathy towards me for being a single mum (this is me being extraordinarily charitable). I didn't say anything, just changed the subject and later told my friends, who were astonished and said he needs help. I agree. Wow. I can't hate him when I feel this sorry for him. I'm so glad I don't see him often.
Ds1 is going to uni tomorrow, I'm driving him and all his stuff and H is driving himself and the dog separately. I organised somewhere for us to have lunch outside (because the dog, this thing rules every minute H spends with me and the kids, it's hilarious given he never took much account of the kids' needs when they were little, they had to fit round HIM. Oh, and when he takes the kids in his stupid convertible the DOG sits in the front seat and my giant teens have to sit in the back, talk about symbolic). I'm feeling sad about ds1 going but also very excited for him making new friends and having an amazing time. I'm getting on pretty well with ds2 right now, I take him to his activities and we talk in the car, it's nice and peaceful but we also have as much fun as we can given he's 15.
After the great send off I need to talk to H about divorce. I'm dreading it, but it's time. I've had enough now. I think if I waited for H to initiate I would be waiting a very long time! Things are still good with my new man. It's taking a while for me to trust that someone can treat me so well after the decades of being treated pretty shabbily by H, and it's still a work in progress. We see each other about once a week and our time together is both relaxing and fun. The opposite of what being with H was like. I'm really looking forward to going away with him, we don't get to spend extended periods together.
So that's my news, will update once I've had the D talk with H. Going to take all my courage, but I will be kind.
Dilly you are in such a good place, and I am so pleased for you - you deserve it. I can't imagine it being possible to be happy married to your H the way he is now and the way he has been for years. It is a shame for him, but it sounds like you detached yourself just in time to stop him dragging you down with you. And I do think it shows your progression and detachment that you can just feel sorry for him in his illness rather than be furious with him (though anger is plenty justified too!)
When you tell me about you H it is a lesson to me too. I'm prone to overwork, and retreating into work when I feel relationships are too difficult or life is too hard or scary or depressing. I don't want to end up like your H - unable to make a connection and a stranger to my children and resorting to blame or self pity or retreat rather than dealing with my own stuff. I think you have dealt with your own stuff, and that's why you have so much to give and are able to enjoy other people now, Dilly. I could HUG you! (And I'm not really a hugger!)
Alison: I hope that was helpful, working too much is like any other addiction I think. Hiding yourself in work can be damaging, just more socially approved of than addiction to drugs or alcohol...We are all works in progress and trying not to feel like a victim is a constant lifelong battle!
I still haven't talked to H about D. Ugh. So hard. I have some house repairs I would like to sort first because they will come out of joint money without having to battle with H (who never liked spending money on necessary repairs...) I arranged an appointment so hopefully I can get a quote done by Friday. I'm also going away with my new bloke in just over a week and H is staying here with ds2 so I would prefer him not to be snooping round thinking of D stuff. So I think I will broach the subject when I get back. It's going to take a lot of courage. I was always pretty passive in my marriage, but I need to be assertive now.
I would like some advice on parenting. H is planning to stay here next Friday night and see a friend of his here, then for ds2 to stay with him until Monday. I told ds2 this yesterday and he was unimpressed. He said he would be left babysitting the dog while H got drunk with his friend (probably true) and that he didn't want to go and stay with H, nor did he want H to stay here the whole weekend with the dog. He said it's bad enough dealing with H let alone H plus dog. He feels very betrayed by being replaced with a dog. He also says that H is boring and depressing to spend time with (true). He would prefer to see H without the dog (H has no dog babysitter arranged except for the odd occasion when the neighbour will look after him if H has a medical appointment). I told ds2 that he should say some of this to H but he is very reluctant. I am also reluctant to intervene in their relationship, but I want to protect ds2 and to advocate for his needs. I think no matter how tactfully I put it, H will feel attacked and criticised (that was the pattern in our marriage). Any advice? I am so sick of the family having to tiptoe round H and his terrible decisions. Part of me would just like to tell him that he needs to get a dog sitter and spend some proper time with ds2, but this is a man who behaves like a toddler at the drop of a hat. So we all avoid him and evade honest conversations. I also feel bad that I'm going away without ds2, though he really just wants to stay home by himself during half term and I'm only away 4 days, 2 of which he's at school for. We have been spending some nice time together since ds1 left, that has been lovely. He is busy at school and afterwards but it gets to 9pm and he used to hang out with ds1 at that time so now we watch TV together then. Hopefully he knows that he is my number one priority and I'm here for him no matter what.
Dropping ds1 off at uni was ok, lunch was annoying as the puppy was overly energetic so I had to take it for a run round the block (zero thanks from H). H got very stressed driving to the car park where we were directed. I told him that if he reversed into the parking space it would be difficult getting stuff out of the boot. He got angry and swore at me. Ds1 was silent. We were only allowed into the building one at a time so that was kind of weird. Then we got stuck in traffic driving back to H's car and he got stressed and barked at me to find another route. When I said there wasn't a traffic free route (we were in the town centre on a wet day) he got angry and said that he had a lot more travel than me and a dog to look after. I told him to F right off (frankly, I just wanted to be by myself driving home and feeling sad about dropping ds1 off, not dealing with H and his bad temper and his feeling sorry for himself for his own stupid life choices!) So that was fun
Since then H has been emotionally blackmailing ds1 the way his own mother does. Telling him he won't give him any money if he won't talk to him on the phone. Complaining and telling him to behave like an adult and talk to him (ds1 and I both agreed that adults can choose who they talk to and when!) and generally behaving in such a way that he will end up alienating ds1 (who is very long suffering and also afraid of H). I am annoyed with H for behaving like this, especially for making a big deal about giving ds1 money when it's from our JOINT account! Talk about control freakery and his abandonment issues taking over. However, if he wants to mess up his relationship with ds1 then that's his choice, I won't intervene. I do advocate for H when I talk to both kids, saying that he loves them but can't demonstrate it, and that he is very broken. It is a lot for them to deal with though.
Things are fine with my man, he took me over to meet some friends of his for lunch, which was really nice. We were going to go to Europe but covid, so I booked a nice cottage on the coast instead. Should be a good test of our relationship! In other life stuff, my new job started and is going ok. I am seeing friends and doing my art and going on nice walks when the weather is ok. I have made more friends since lockdown than at any other time in my life, I think I really appreciated the importance of regular social contact in my life! Hoping it can still continue even if restrictions increase...
Update (not that much has changed!) I have not seen H for about 3 weeks now, I found him so depressing and annoying last time I saw him that I arranged to pick up ds2 from a central location after my little holiday instead of having him dropped off. Ds2 said he was bored and didn't want to go and stay there again for a long time. We had a really nice chat on the way back, and more nice chats when taking ds2 to his activities (which are all cancelled now sadly). He is such a delightful person, not many 15 year olds are so I feel truly blessed to have him
I also went to see ds1 at uni for a walk and picnic after he was quarantined for 2 weeks with his household riddled with covid. It was so lovely seeing him looking well and happy to be outdoors again! I might go visit him briefly another weekend, but he will be home in about 3 weeks anyway, which will be nice for ds2 who is missing him I think. Their relationship is so lovely
Lockdown 2 is TOUGH, I feel very depressed about it even though I have arranged to see friends for walks and so on. This time of year is hard enough normally with dark days, add nowhere to go and nothing to do and the monotony is really getting to me. I'm usually quite a chirpy person but right now I am struggling. I got some house repairs done and have a list of more stuff to get fixed, H complained how much it was lol. So I'm making progress on my to do lists but it feels like groundhog day right now.
My new man is very, very keen on me, and part of me is finding it a bit offputting, like I feel responsible for his happiness or something. Not helped by lockdown, when he can't really see people other than me and his kids. We went for a long walk last week and I found him quite annoying. Our holiday together was really nice actually, we got on really well and had some lovely meals and days out and plenty of nice time together. He cooks for me and looks after me so well, he is very thoughtful and loving. He kept saying stuff like how nice it was 'living together' but I did feel a little bit stifled since I have not spent that much time with anyone in years now. I don't know how much of me finding him irritating is a desire for space and not feeling pressured to be responsible for his happiness, and how much is me feeling depressed about lockdown and uncertain about making any plans for next year (new man wants to go travelling round Europe with me, which feels impossible right now). So I have kind of been avoiding him a bit in the hope that some time away from him will make me feel more warm towards him. I can kind of see now how H felt like this about me, but also that it's not really anything new man has done, but more about what is going on inside me and so that applies to H as well. I've gone from feeling desperate for intimacy and connection to feeling like I need some space and like I don't want anyone in my life right now (even though lockdown 2 is lonely, go figure!) Christmas is also looming, and new man does not have his kids Christmas day. What to do about the kids and H? Ugh, I don't even want to think about it. For now, I will just keep working hard, try to see friends where possible and get out in daylight when there is any! Lockdown 2 won't last forever even if it feels that way...Watch this space if I manage to pluck up the courage for a D chat! Preferably before H spends all our money on expensive wine and taking cash out to do goodness knows what with.
Dilly! Are you still here? I need to catch up on your sitch but I wanted to drop in and say hi! I've thought about you often.
Hugs,
Hope
Hi Hope, thanks for checking in! As you can see, I wandered off for a while, I came back to update today because of my news. Getting out of limbo at last!
OK, last time I was getting fed up of new man. I dumped him, he couldn't accept my feelings about lockdown 2. I was depressed because I realised that we were going to have a lockdown of sorts during the depths of winter and that things wouldn't improve till at least March. I'm sorry that I was right. Lockdown 3 was tough, winter is depressing enough without taking all the fun out of it. Anyway, I didn't like that my man couldn't support me through a difficult time. He was all like 'yeah it's really tough for me too'. Ugh, just let me be upset without cheering me up! So I told him that I wasn't in a position to be in an R. I probably wasn't. It was a difficult time. Covid rule changes messed with my head. Ds2's school shut for 2 weeks. Then lockdown 3 hit. Ds1 wasn't able to go back to uni. Everything shut. All fun banned. It was horrible. The only good thing was that ds1 started coming out for walks with me occasionally. He still is.
Christmas and H had asked if he could come and stay for 2 nights over Christmas. I reluctantly said yes. He arranged to get his dog looked after. Then the covid rules all changed as cases rocketed. H said he couldn't get rid of the dog. He came to visit on Christmas eve and said he wouldn't stay. I was really cross because he gave some ridiculous excuses, and felt like he cancelled on the kids at the last minute. But on Christmas day I woke up with a feeling of peace. Had a lie in. Put the turkey on and went running with a friend and her husband. Light as a bird. Came home and opened presents over facetime with H and then the kids came for a lovely walk with me. Then home and big dinner and we played games. It's actually the best Christmas I've EVER had. Because H wasn't there. Going to start a new post because this is long
OK, so it's lockdown 3 and I'm single again and a bit fed up! I did a bit of online dating but nobody wanted to meet up. Then I swiped right on someone I liked the look of, even though his profile was blank (I have a rule to not swipe on someone with a blank profile!). Met up with him and I was feeling poorly due to allergies. He said he found me very attractive and we danced around meeting up at his flat, it was quite funny. I was helping out at school with testing (even though ds2 was at home online learning) so I had plenty of negative tests and my kids never go out, he similarly didn't really see anyone indoors so we decided it might be technically illegal but was safe. I really liked him and we had unbelievably good sex. Like the best I've ever had. He went kind of quiet and I figured he has commitment issues. We met up again, still unbelievably good sex. I don't know why I find him so attractive because although he's quite clever and funny and good company, he is very closed off. Like he hasn't ever talked about his daughter or his ex to me. So hmm, really not sure about him, but the chemistry! OMG. He goes radio silent for 2 weeks and I leave him alone. My ego is hurt, plus what was all that great sex about?
In the meantime, someone I'd matched with and chatted with over text asked if I wanted to meet for a walk. I said yes since I figured it probably wasn't going anywhere with unbelievably sexy man (he's not unbelievably sexy, just I find him so, it's weird). I figured this new man sounded a bit lonely and might want a friend, I like making new friends. Interestingly enough, this one also had a blank profile! Though some lovely photos, he's an artist. I met him for a walk and actually really liked him, we got on very comfortably. He asked if I wanted to come back to his place and I said maybe next time (I had lots of work on). So a week or so later I did meet him at his place and he is also very good in bed (though not as mindblowingly so as USM!). He is also very sweet, very open, very calm and there is something about him which makes him very relaxing to be with. He likes to admire my body in bed, I'm not sure I've ever been with someone who admires my body like this! Well, he is an artist
I've met him one more time, he does not pursue me relentlessly like my last boyfriend of last year, but he keeps in regularly touch unlike USM. I feel quite chilled out about this relationship, it's the first one so far I've just been relaxed about. I figure either it will work out or it won't, and if it won't there are plenty more men out there. But I have a good feeling about this man, I can see us having a future together but both having our own lives to live. He is a widower, his wife having died suddenly about 18 months ago. He's in a remarkably good place about it considering.
Oh, and USM texted me on Friday wondering what I was up to. Men! I deserve better than USM, his behaviour is pretty shabby really. I am not a booty call. I want a relationship with someone who respects me and my time, and wants me in their life. I'm going to tell USM this.
Right, now to the H update! My love life takes precedence lol. This is my future, H is my past
lol @ dillydaf, glad you are having wonderful adventures. I feel quite silly now about all the time I spent writing my dating profiles when I have online dated, lol. They must have had compelling pics to pique your interest without a written profile. I could imagine a visual artist saying much without words. All this speaks to a resilient headspace. You could imagine someone else being unable to break it off with lockdown #2 man or unbelievably hurt by sexy man. You are navigating it in a playful way while searching out meaning.
OK, so I have been putting off my lawyer for a few months now. H refused to see the kids during lockdown 3 at all. I asked him when he was going to see them and he muttered something about infection rates being too high. I pointed out that they NEVER GO OUT so couldn't possibly have covid and then told him I was going to drop them down to save him the journey. He did say thank you afterwards, to give him his due. He had barely seen them in 2 or 3 months and I thought it was important for everyone's sake for the kids to see him. But basically I didn't see him for 3 months really, I saw him a week ago but only for half an hour and he had his stupid dog trying to get run over so it didn't seem a suitable time. Then today he came over to see the kids and I asked if he wanted to go for a walk, he said yes. Halfway through he said he wanted to get the divorce ball rolling. I said yes, that would be good, and that I had always loved him and probably always will, that he's an important part of my life but we should get divorced. Phew. He said he didn't want to discuss details but I did get out of him that he has been sort of job hunting but without success (he left with a cloud over his head and press scandal after the political stuff in his last job), but that he would work again despite his health issues. Well, he has to if he wants a divorce! He also said that he won't be staying in our little second home and wants to sell it, and I said that I want to buy him out of it if possible. He agreed, I need to work out if it's feasible financially but I really want that house! I love it there, though I can't live there till both kids have left home properly as it's too small. I also said I wanted slightly more than half of everything as I would be responsible for the kids for some years to come, even if technically ds1 is an adult and ds2 not far off. He muttered something about wanting to not be ripped off and I assured him that all I wanted was fairness and that his earning capacity is many times mine. So hopefully we can keep it amicable. If nothing else, he might play ball just to keep costs down. I will keep reiterating that I want things to be fair for everyone and that our relationship with the kids and each other is worth being nice over money. Hopefully that will work. He is a bully though, so who knows. I will get half even if he's horrible about it, the law is pretty clear there.
Then he left and I realised we hadn't talked to the kids so I told them and that nothing would change for them. It wasn't out of the blue as I'd mentioned the possibility of D to both kids over the last month or two. Ds2 looked unphased and ds1 looked upset and locked himself in his room. I texted H and asked him to ring him and reassure him, which he did whilst saying I should have waited till he was there (he's not coming till ds2's birthday in 2 weeks!). Eventually I coaxed ds1 out of his room and we drove off for a walk and in the car I told him that I was relieved his dad wanted a D, that I was happier not living with him because he was unhappy and that infected us all, that it has been 2.5 years and it's time to move things along, and that I love my life and him and his brother. That I will always have a bedroom for him even after he leaves home whenever he needs it, that financially nothing will change for him, that I am so so proud of him and his brother for being incredible human beings who have inherited the best bits of both me and H and that we both love them very much. Then we both cried a little bit. Then we went for a walk and I made him laugh and it hailed on us on and off and I gave him my pink scarf and purple gloves and gave him a big hug which he submitted to. He seemed much happier afterwards even though he didn't talk. He never talks about feelings, it worries me. Then we had a roast dinner and watched telly together, and I made them promise to watch Toy Story 4 with me tomorrow to celebrate Mother's Day.
So, that's my update. It's been an emotional day. I've been working ridiculously hard the last 2 weeks on a deadline so I am exhausted and emotional and wanting to get this work done so I can relax and process all this stuff. I told ds1 that I'm happier than I was when H lived with us, and that is really the truth. He is such a troubled man, but I'm no longer responsible for any of his troubles. That freedom is wonderful
lol @ dillydaf, glad you are having wonderful adventures. I feel quite silly now about all the time I spent writing my dating profiles when I have online dated, lol. They must have had compelling pics to pique your interest without a written profile. I could imagine a visual artist saying much without words. All this speaks to a resilient headspace. You could imagine someone else being unable to break it off with lockdown #2 man or unbelievably hurt by sexy man. You are navigating it in a playful way while searching out meaning.
Ooh, hello CWarrior, nice to see an old face! No, you absolutely should write something sensible for your dating profiles, you have to have something extra going for you to get over the lack of words! Words are important and tell you a lot, it's just funny that I broke my rules and ended up dating both of them