Hello 10....
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2892434#Post2892434Well what have I gained? I have more moments where my emotions are okay. I spend less time second guessing H. I still overthink EVERYTHING.
Still focusing on me - exercise, etc. I'm at 90% hot right now... another 12lb and look out!!!!
KC,
Since I have been following your sitch, (which hasn’t been very long) you have made progress.
You’ve mentioned that you wish your H would have at least given you the opportunity to get your **** together. I have found that most people are more motivated to get it together, when they are faced with the loss of something important to them. The loss of a relationship, friendship, job, etc. It is pretty common across these forums and life in general. I’m guilty of it. No sweat. The time is right here, right now.
This is an analogy that I like to use myself. Look at how you invest your time, just like making investments into a bank account or stocks.
Right now, your best investment is going to be in yourself. You can’t go wrong by choosing that direction. You are making good deposits in the weight loss and knitting departments. What other areas do you want to improve on?(Diversify)
When you focus and invest so much time on your H in the present, it is a poor investment and it sucking up a valuable resource(your time). That account isn’t going to grow and you are being charged fees for bad deposits. It is negatively affecting your overall progress.
Invest so much time and effort into yourself, that you will quit looking at your H for his attention or validation. When you quit wondering what he is thinking or up to, then you’ll know that you are detached. You won’t have to wonder if you are detached, because you will just be living your great life and he will be lucky to be part of it.
There are no shortcuts to the other side. Only right through the swampy land of crap. You got this!!
LITB ---- Thanks for saying that!!!
I have made progress. Still after not seeing him for over 3 weeks... I was weak in the knees to see him.
Today when he kept saying "is there anything else"... no "is there anything else" ... no "is there anything else"... no... I really wanted to say can't you reconsider all this?? Go have your house and shorter commute but recommit to this marriage.
But, I didn't. I held my head high. Looking freaking hot. Who knows if he noticed but everyone says the notice.
Thanks for your encouraging words. I will keep trying to move forward. I'd love to get to the place where things turn around and he would be lucky to be apart of my life.
At least I'm not crying.
I'm working on my emotional attraction. I did not evoke feel good emotions from my spouse. I want to be that safe place to land. I can practice on others in my life - family, co-workers, friends... Maybe my H gets to see that someday - who knows.
I appreciate the advice and will keep doing the things that I can control.
Please go back and read LITB’s words over and over and over.
Your last post was still focused on your need for validation from him. You need to keep practicing and keep reading. Improving yourself is not for HIM. It’s for you. Try to me conscious of that. It is not attractive when you try to make yourself attractive for the purpose of someone else noticing. Men sense that. And I’m not talking physically. I talking emotionally.
Guys, back me up!
Ginger is correct Kitcat. Men can sense that. As can woman. We actually seem to have a lot in common in terms of how we think and feel. I know I put a lot of my personal identity into someone else. I will always love my wife. But the man she fell in love with was put together, confident, and didn’t care what others thought. Basically the opposite of what I am now. I think for me, and maybe for you the best thing we could do is move on with our lives like our spouses aren’t coming back. Once they realize we are confident and ok, it seems reading though a lot of the success stories anyway, the spouses become intrigued again.
I wish you luck and happiness. Hang in there. Find your happiness without him, whatever that is. If he comes back than great! And if he doesn’t, well you’re still happy. We can only control ourselves. We can’t manipulate or control our spouses into wanting us again.
Ginger
I read what you wrote... went to think about it before writing anything.
I do see what you are saying. I'm still struggling with wanting my H to notice me. To look at me like he used to and not how he looked at me today.
I still write down several times a day what LH wrote: has gf, bought house, moving out... those are his actions. It's to bring me to accept how things are right now.
When I'm seeing him when I haven't seen him for weeks... yes, I still want him to notice. I see that I have to get to a place where I don't care what he notices.
I'm working on giving my H space and not doing behaviors that would push him further away... but I do see that you say I'm a waiting on validation of H.
I will keep moving forward and try to put all this input into a better me.
Today is another day to get it right.
I've seen H now for the 3rd time in 7 days. Given I hadn't laid eyes on him for over three weeks its seems surreal.
Outside of the 1hr drive back to the house last Wednesday where we chatted non-stop. Last Sunday there wasn't any other talk outside of what was being moved, etc. Yesterday the only talk was about the doorbell.
He even called me 10min after leaving with some ideas for the doorbell. I'm sure he is helping me out as he would any friend and not because he cares more than that... ultimately the doorbell issue got fixed and I did call back letting him know it was a simple error on my part. Apologized that he had to get into the attic like that which he replied no worries. He give me instructions to give to S18 on the exposed wiring at the entry way.
H doesn't bring up any R talks. H doesn't bring up OW. H just brings up getting his stuff.
H hasn't been angry when in person with me, but H doesn't smile. He comes across as numb?
I sent a simple thank-you text about appreciating his help with doorbell. Didn't expect a reply and didn't get one.
Of course I'm flooded with emotion to send him texts that I miss him... OR could we meet and talk? I don't follow through... WHY? Because i can't handle the rejection if he ignores. I felt like a stupid puppy following him out to the car when I suspected he was just putting the totes by the front door and leaving.
And, somehow I felt like that silly puppy again as I'm walking him to the front door making eye contact as he keeps repeating "is there any anything else?"... I kept saying no... but its like I kept sitting like a toddler wanting approval as he kept repeating it. Once outside the house I closed the door. i think he sat in his truck for like 10min before leaving -- I suspect he was texting OW.
Keep going forward... I will make a list of things that I need to do for me for today. Weight loss is really cranking up my self esteem... I will get there.
KK,
I’m really sorry you’re struggling right now.
You’re back putting all the focus on your husband. I really want you to understand that right now there is absolutely nothing you can do to change what’s happening.
Take the focus off him and put it all on yourself.
Congratulations on the weight loss but there are other areas that you need to explore. Are you in IC?
KK,
You’re back putting all the focus on your husband. I really want you to understand that right now there is absolutely nothing you can do to change what’s happening.
I'm trying so hard NOT to put the focus on my H. I'm really working on things I can change in myself. I'm doing a program and setting a 30 day goal and then I'm starting another 10week course.
I know he was unhappy and hurting. I know he said he would never allow me to have another chance where he might get hurt again... its all so stupid... I'm so stupid... and I'm sorry.
I did one heartfelt apology. I won't apologize any more.
I am having a hard time seeing there is nothing I can do... as much as I struggle internally... I'm grateful I didn't blow up his phone with I miss you's or can we talk?... I have battled down all those urges. Its what I want to do. But, I know it won't work.
KC,
You are not stupid. Going through this, is likely the most difficult thing you have dealt with and it can be emotionally paralyzing.
We have established that you put way too much focus on your H. Why do you think that is? LH asked if you are in IC. Not being able to take the focus off your H, would be a good thing to discuss.
Here's the thing, you have to put the focus on yourself for things to change. You need to get to a healthy and happy place. You need to address your issues and improve your relationship skills. So when you move forward with your H or a new person, you will have already done the work.
Putting so much focus on your H, is slowing down the process for your sitch to move to the next chapter. There are no guarantees to the outcome, but getting to the next chapter has to be better than what you are dealing with now.
By not engaging your H in anything outside of what is absolutely necessary, is doing something.
Right now, your H is not doing any work, but that is not your concern or responsibility. However, if he were to say he was ready to come back now, neither of you would be prepared to how challenging piecing is. Piecing is not easy.
Next month, my W and I would have been reconciled for 6 years, however she has had some other issues surface and wants to go her own way. It sukks. I didn't break her, and it isn't up to me to fix her. I have removed myself from her life the best I can, with the exception of communication regarding kids and legal issues. Point being, piecing and recon present a new set of challenges and you better be in a healthy place.
Lastly, when is the last time you have read the threads from Cadet's Welcoming post? I'd suggest going back to review them. Even the ones in the MLC Forum.
KC,
Here's the thing, you have to put the focus on yourself for things to change. You need to get to a healthy and happy place. You need to address your issues and improve your relationship skills. So when you move forward with your H or a new person, you will have already done the work.
One of the things H said at BD was that I "wasn't even a decent person". That hurt but I understood where that came from. H felt I wasn't being kind to him. I probably wasn't completely unkind but that is HOW he felt. I hurt deeply when we were out grocery shopping and I saw a client, smiled and asked how X was doing. H made some comment about how I'm nicer to those people than him. It hurt BECAUSE in the past I could come across as short with him but that day I was making a concerned effort on my part to have an enjoyable shopping visit with him. Maybe that day WAS nice but he was triggered by the times it wasn't?
By not engaging your H in anything outside of what is absolutely necessary, is doing something.
OK - I need to change my mindset then. I keep our conversations business like as much as possible. I never talk about us or the S or D or money. Sometimes I do slip and see when he is moving slowly - "are you okay"? He will respond that his back was stiff... as it continued to bother him I said I was sorry his back was hurting... then he opened up more about his back.
If he asks questions like "why is the ladder out?" I answer them. I don't go overboard.
I don't text him unnecessarily with exception of the thank you, yesterday because he went above and beyond going over the trusses in the attic.
So despite urges to call/text like crazy... I don't... there fore I am DOING SOMETHING... and doing it right.
[quote}Right now, your H is not doing any work, but that is not your concern or responsibility. However, if he were to say he was ready to come back now, neither of you would be prepared to how challenging piecing is. Piecing is not easy.[/quote]
I get that. Not sure if H would ever do the work. Aren't people usually drawn to the path of least resistance. Right now OW makes him feel really good. Why come back to a W who you thought was controlling? There are no feel good emotions there.
Next month, my W and I would have been reconciled for 6 years, however she has had some other issues surface and wants to go her own way. It sukks. I didn't break her, and it isn't up to me to fix her. I have removed myself from her life the best I can, with the exception of communication regarding kids and legal issues. Point being, piecing and recon present a new set of challenges and you better be in a healthy place.
Sorry to hear that...
Lastly, when is the last time you have read the threads from Cadet's Welcoming post? I'd suggest going back to review them. Even the ones in the MLC Forum.
Right now I'm working through R2C's quotes... there are a lot of them... I ruminate on them.
I know I'm struggling with letting him go. Walking away. Forgetting what we had... but why??? He has... shouldn't that make me angry enough to do the same?
Aren't people usually drawn to the path of least resistance. Right now OW makes him feel really good. Why come back to a W who you thought was controlling?
Hi KitCat, even though my situation did not involve an AP, I dated someone when my girlfriend and I were separated. I agree if ALL his problems were yours and his AP has few shortcomings, you're toast.
The reality is that your ex has issues that will follow him. Does a healthy man cheat, yell, and call his spouse names? Does a healthy woman seeking commitment date a cheater? When he goes no-contact and sees the same issues repeating, when they're together enough she lets her guard down, he may look back.
Back on December 10th I wrote about my situation: "She'd tricked me and wouldn't do it because I'd pushed.. I'm going to.. try to get us to HONESTLY discuss our issues in MC (we're both open to that). My recourse if this goes nowhere is going single. It's not as scary as I thought! In those two weeks spinning dropped from 2hrs/day to 20min/day, freeing up enough time excel at work, enjoy time with my kids, read a book, etc. and already two single ladies showed real interest in me! "
What did I discover? After a few weeks, I was trying to push NewLady to meet different expectations and spending hours worrying about it. (Granted--NewLady called me on it and said "No".. instead of agreeing, not doing it, then pretending it was never agreed to. My GF wasn't blameless.)
The big change that I needed was inside, after stepping off the rollercoaster and getting therapy.
Then CW --- I believe I'm toast.
H isn't getting any IC. His high school friend who he lives with now periodically is a "therapist"? I question his actual credentials but whatever. Knowing my H is married this friend and his wife are ecstatic over my H with OW... they are all friends... he is getting advice - thinking his friend is in therapist mode... He is getting 100% encouragement in what he is currently doing.
I cannot control H, or his friends or what any of them say or do (none of whom have met me).
All I can do is keep moving forward.
So I see what everyone is saying....
I had strong urge to text H... saying I missed him... could we talk??? BUT - I did not!! So that was an action. But, I'm still checking my phone. Answering any other contacts coming in... but wondering if and when H will text (soooo wrong.)
Today at noonish I get text:
H: I need something from you
H: I need this insurance doc and this tax doc
(probably more info needed for him to close on the house he bought)
Me: I can do that
H: Thank you
I can't remember the last time H said thank you... its been many weeks.
But now... I'm calm. I can relax. "he" texted me now. Good the rest of the day. I just realized its like a freaking fix.
I got to work on that.
A lot of mind reading on your last two post, KC. You don't know what is going on with your H or his friends. Quite frankly, it isn't worth your time and is not your concern.
I found a post from a member I used to follow. I think you might find what he posted to be helpful.
I will say one more thing. You have been given a lot of great advice. You have choices here too, that play a significant role in the direction of your life. You can choose to pull up your bootstraps and heed what we are telling you, or you can continue to focus on your H. Either you can lead, or you can follow your H as he wonders around aimlessly.
Crimson: Confessions of a Former Newcomer......
I gotta tell ya - it is gut wrenching to go back through my first posts. I was a total mess, completely caught off guard by a bomb drop that I by no means saw coming…at all…ever. The word “divorce” or “I am really unhappy and thinking about leaving” never were uttered in our home. However, when she said it - she meant it and never, ever looked back. In fact, she stood on the accelerator and sprinted to the end. In all of my life I had never ran so hard into a wall like that. I was devastated to the point of near immobility. Our son was only 18 months old (we struggled for YEARS to conceive) and suddenly I was a single parent and had NO idea what I was doing. Thankfully, I found this place because I saw the book on a shelf at a counselors office. I was desperate to do anything to stop the spinning, stop the bone-grinding pain - I wanted to think clearly again and I wanted my life back. The myopic view that I took, defined “MY” life as our life together. That was part of the problem.
I am going to say what a lot of you have probably heard here a million times: Work. On. You. I’ll repeat - Work. On. You.
The moment that I realized that I was the only person in this equation that I could control was a truly liberating moment. Through subtle and often DIRECT criticism I learned to own what my part in the demise of marriage was — and focus on that. Focus on changing it. Focus on strengthening my personal weaknesses that brought me there. And, above all, focus on calm and kindness in the face of someone that appears to be up-ending your entire life. THAT part was hard - but I do recall at one point 25yearsmlc saying “think about your goal and ask yourself is what you are about to do or say moving you closer to or farther away from your goal”. I dug into my on psyche and really tried to turn my way of thinking around. I did SOOOO much acting “as if” — before seeing the STBX I would visualize the entire interaction going positively and try to make that real. In the meantime, I was trying to GAL (I was not good at it) and stay connected to friends and get help. I found a solid psychiatrist and individual counselor….I eventually learned how to scuba dive……and, when the time felt right (it took awhile) I started dating in an attempt to move forward with my life. The net conclusion was that I was try to take my eye off of HER and place it back on me. I owned all of the criticism that she leveled at me on the day that she dropped the bomb - even if I didn’t agree with 100% of it (turns out a lot of it was legit — I was living an out-of-touch life in my M). I stopped blaming her - that’s not to say she didn’t have a role - but I stopped blaming her anyway…..and I wouldn’t allow my family to bad mouth or blame her either. I remember sitting them down around the holidays and explaining to the my role in the implosion of our marriage without at all pointing a finger at her. That was difficult, but necessary. Owning your stuff is empowering. It’s counter-intuitive, but it truly is. Again, the wisdom of 25yearsmlc rung in my ears constantly “when you say it’s not your fault - you are powerless. You are saying that you can change nothing. That you are stuck. But when you own your part - you claim power. THAT you can change - you can work on you and make your situation better. It makes a difference and over time, you really will see it working for you.
Be a parent. The BEST thing that ever happened for the relationship between me and my son was being a single parent. Those of you that are still around and remember my story can recall that I was not really deeply involved with the day-to-day with my son - I certainly THOUGHT I was - but I wasn’t. Having him dropped in my lap as a solo act forced me to be dad AND mom at the same time….for three years. We bonded…we played….I soothed him when he cried…..made all of his meals….dropped him off at nursery school….we went on vacations together - all under the age of 3-4. Our bond became tighter than I imagined - and it still is. He truly helped me through the divorce….we helped each other…..because he suffered too. The days that I would drop him off at preschool and he knew he wouldn’t see me for 5 days and he would cling to me, cry and beg me to pick him up — I have never experienced pain like that before. It made me appreciate him in my life, our time together and being a dad. I question if that would have happened without the divorce. I am so grateful for the bond that we build it literally brings me to tears at times.
If you are here - chances are you are hurting. But it gets better. Reconciliation or not — it gets better. And, as always, time will keep ticking and the sun will come up in the morning. Marriage is just a moment in time….and divorce is no different. You remain you during all of it. But more importantly, you control how you show up in both.
As for me today, I am reconciling with my ex. We spent three years apart trying to figure out things and working on ourselves. We have been back under the same roof for about a year now and we are learning how to parent together (we’ve done it alone most of our son’s life) and communicate better. Because I’ll be honest — poor communication and listening skills were a MAJOR part of our breakdown. She goes to an IC, I go to an IC and we both go to MC from time to time. We ain’t perfect…far from it - but we are trying and we have our eyes open this time. We have both learned that there is no such thing as permanent relationship euphoria - it is work, it is selfless, and yeah - it is hard at times. But I think that to the best of our abilities we try to make the loving choice when we can. Because as cliche as it may be — it IS a choice.
Good luck, folks - I wish you the best. I am NOT an expert at all - but I have made enough mistakes and have been fortunate enough to make it partially back from having gone over the cliff that maybe I can help. Stay clam. Stay kind. Stay positive. Be accountable.
Crimson
KK,
So here’s what is going on here.
Sounds like you understand you have an unhealthy attachment to your husband. It’s unhealthy because this man has lied to you, cheated on you and treated you horribly. What is really going on is you feel like you lost all control of your world and you are desperately trying everything to free yourself of the pain and regain control.
The best thing you can do right now is to sit with these feelings understand why you have these feelings and do nothing.
It will get better that I can promise you.
Thank you!!!!
I was not so dependent on my H previously... it's clearly happened since he pulled away.
I took my H for granted... left him feeling like a paycheck. That tips my soul.
I cannot change the past. I can only focus on my future.... MY future.
I am terribly needy right now which is sooooo unlike me.
I'm flippin around like a fish in a frying pan.
I was not so dependent on my H previously... it's clearly happened since he pulled away.
That's because rejection breeds obsession.
I took my H for granted... left him feeling like a paycheck. That tips my soul.
You have to forgive yourself. What happened happened and it couldn't happen any other way because it didn't.
I am terribly needy right now which is sooooo unlike me.
It's good that you can recognize it. Just don't act on it.
I'm flippin around like a fish in a frying pan.
I believe you mean a fish out of water lol.
Sooo its keep exercising... I'm making real progress. Weight loss has slowed as I have been consuming too much sugar lately so need to step up and focus on more protein choices. Just haven't found interest in cooking currently. Clothes fit better and I can tell I'm getting stronger physically.
Thursday several text exchanges with H. He needed some documents in regards to our house as he is still trying to close on his house.
Frankly one document he could have printed easily online himself. The other he would have had to been a little more creative but could have accomplished.
I get it - it was WAY easier to ask me to get them. There is no point in being unkind and telling him to "F" off. Got the documents to the best of my ability and suggested the tax document should be enough but if not let me know.
He actually said Thank You - 3 times to me in one afternoon.... I think I needed to go lie down after that. He rarely says Thank You... and 3 times at once???
Either way H got what he needed from me and its back to not hearing a word since. That is ok. I have to learn to be ok with him being absent from my life. I keep reminding myself that any contact from him IS and HAS been all about him. NOTHING about me.
I'm going to spend a few minutes looking at cheeseless tunnels AND then move on with my day.
H comes tomorrow to move out more stuff. The weather will be better so let's see if he brings up a bike ride again... OR was he just baiting me into something previously.
Off to play with the dogs.
KK,
So your last post started out about you which is great but after that it all turned to focusing on your STBXH.
So let’s even go there to hypothetically you get the motorcycle ride. Then what? Nothing changes except you expectations increase and your focus goes where it doesn’t belong.
KK,
So your last post started out about you which is great but after that it all turned to focusing on your STBXH.
So let’s even go there to hypothetically you get the motorcycle ride. Then what? Nothing changes except you expectations increase and your focus goes where it doesn’t belong.
I know ---- I'm still wanting hope that he isn't 100% sure where he is at right now.
But you are right. He is leaving me. He is done with the M.
KK,
I know this hurts to hear but he is 100% sure he wants a divorce right now. Can they change years down the road? Absolutely! Most of it depends on his search for happiness. You are the one who has the control to say enough is enough and I definitely deserve better. Until then you will remain stuck and will exude clinginess and desperation.
I’m sorry that is the reality and is why you are suffering.
Well I definitely don't want to exude clinginess and desperation... that's not me. (And that is what I am doing hoping he will change his mind)
You're right.
He's done.
KC, you're falling back into endlessly talking about H again. When he texted you, what the text said, what documents he requested, what you said in response, etc. etc. None of that matters AT ALL. He's just sticking to business which is what you should do as well. Please understand this- if he texts you asking for a copy of a document he could print out himself it is simply him being lazy. It DOES NOT mean he wants to recon, or that he's desperate to talk to you, or that he is waiting for you to call and commit your undying love to him so the two of you can get back together. He's just being lazy, period. He is done, he has been done, and he will be done for quite some time. You have GOT to accept this and move on! Please quit hyper-focusing on him and focus on YOU. What are YOU doing with your life? What goals do YOU have? What are YOU doing to make those goals a reality? Less H, more KC. That is your path to recovery.
KC, you're falling back into endlessly talking about H again. When he texted you, what the text said, what documents he requested, what you said in response, etc. etc. None of that matters AT ALL. He's just sticking to business which is what you should do as well. Please understand this- if he texts you asking for a copy of a document he could print out himself it is simply him being lazy. It DOES NOT mean he wants to recon, or that he's desperate to talk to you, or that he is waiting for you to call and commit your undying love to him so the two of you can get back together. He's just being lazy, period. He is done, he has been done, and he will be done for quite some time. You have GOT to accept this and move on! Please quit hyper-focusing on him and focus on YOU. What are YOU doing with your life? What goals do YOU have? What are YOU doing to make those goals a reality? Less H, more KC. That is your path to recovery.
Focusing on Me -----
I keep up with exercise. Need to cut more sugar out of my diet as I had a little backslide. Local distillery had cocktail pick up hour and well there went my Saturday and Sunday.
I'm trying to do a random act of kindness daily. With the lockdown a little hard so right now its limited to picking a random person on my friends list on FB and leaving them an out of the blue sweet pick me post personalized to them.
Audio books... reading...
10 week course on saving your M when your the only spouse that wants to save the M. It really a program first focused on you... then how to communicate with your H if needed. Its got lots of videos/homework so I figured it would hammer home dealing with myself... and its 10weeks... so a good commitment on my part to stay focused on me.
I commit to my list of goals everyday.
I'm lucky and still get to go to work so less hours to sit and fidget about everything.
There was some texting between H and I on Saturday. A bit of a miscommunication on his part for which he apologized for but continued to text asking some basic questions of me about a recent meeting at work. I didn't always respond right away... neither did he and I left the convo before he did.
Sunday he returned to get more stuff from the house. I let him decide how he wanted to proceed and what he was taking. He was talkative asking more about my work. He mentioned what he was doing. I only asked questions if it pertained to what he said --- He's rewiring a barn, ME - your parents?, H - yes.
He stated that he was frustrated with the loan process for mortgage. I validated his frustration and moved on. He asked again if I had talked to atty about financial order. I said no and that I had spent all my time focusing on the affidavit he needed. He then looked down at the truck and quietly said he hopes he could leave me alone and not bother me with that again.... was I supposed to hear that? i almost couldn't and I just ignored.
We laughed as he handed me my power staple gun. He kept in his hunting stuff to hand up targets. We talked about the last time I went to use it after not having used it for years and literally power stapled my finger --- yeah that hurt!
He seemed surprised that he couldn't get more into his truck. He has at least 1 more if not 2 more trips to get it all.
He did the absolute weirded thing ever. Which I suppose is par for the course for WWH AND I know it means nothing but it left me boggled for words. So last Sunday I had already packed up his clothes in clear totes. As he was putting them in the truck he asked what the container of fruit slices was? I said I don't know it was on your half of the closet. I remember 6-9mo ago H telling me he bought some stuff from a co-worker as part of the girl scout fund raiser - there were two items never opened on his half of the closet. I figured he brought them home and put them there as he emptied his bag and completely forgot about them. I just packed them up with his stuff.
Well he comes here Sunday. I open the overhead door and the first thing he does is hand me one of the two items he bought and said "these are yours". It was a tin of mint candy ( I love mint!) I have no doubt when H bought the item many months ago he did so with me in mind. But, given everything happening now AND that I packed them up and sent with his stuff 1 week ago HE made the effort to bring them back to me??? He could have given them to his mom, his nephews, who ever he is staying with currently... it was a small tin of candy for heck's sake. He went to a lot of trouble to give me candy. WEIRD.....
I understand its just the weird things they do... it means nothing. I feel better writing it out as it boggled me and now I'm leaving it for the universe.
I really am focusing on me. I did fantastic when he was here Sunday --- I was a woman only a fool would leave.
KK,
Boy KK your H has to throw that one little thing to get you spinning. Sounds like you didn’t get that motorcycle ride so just remember these things aren’t worth your energy.
Good job focusing on you! You’re making progress!
KK,
Boy KK your H has to throw that one little thing to get you spinning. Sounds like you didn’t get that motorcycle ride so just remember these things aren’t worth your energy.
Good job focusing on you! You’re making progress!
There was texting Saturday about weather and bike ride... while it was a beautiful day H thought it was still too chilly in low 50's. Weather on Sunday was same temp but no sun.
So the lack of bike ride was more due to weather ---- so who knows if it would have happened.
Yes, none of that matters. If he wanted things to be different he would make sure I knew that to be the case.
I've got plenty to keep me busy.
I’m hoping you didn’t text asking for the bike ride.
I’m hoping you didn’t text asking for the bike ride.
Well..... WE don't have to go there... YUP - face palm...
I made up for it on Sunday with acting "as if" and not letting him see me without exuding confidence and holding my head high. Didn't bring it up. He sort of did by commenting on the weather while he was at the house moving stuff out. I just glossed over it.
Frankly - while I shouldn't have been the one to bring it up. His response doesn't phase me or set me back or cause me to plead or do any other behavior to change his mind... I mean I could have said I was out and lots of bikes were on the road today... but it wasn't worth my time. In the past if it was something I really wanted I would have asked to and done things to twist him to agreeing. I let it go.
Additionally when he was at the house on Sunday and we had to pick up this 350lb item with just the two of us (I'm a petite short girl). I asked him if I could make a suggestion (180 from me not just saying let's do it like this, etc). He said sure - I stated my idea. (He didn't say it was stupid or make me feel bad - 180 for him). He then said how he thought we should do it instead. I said okay to his way and we got it into the truck with just the two of us. Its just sad how it gets to this before we start treating each other better.
I will say that in the last 10 days there has been no anger from him in a text message or call or in person. Things seem to be at an emotional neutral which is an improvement over the emotional negative - all the anger he has had with me.
Why are you so so fixated on this bike ride? Do you think this bike ride is going to change everything? That going on a bike ride with you would be the magic bullet?
Why are you so so fixated on this bike ride? Do you think this bike ride is going to change everything? That going on a bike ride with you would be the magic bullet?
I honestly let the idea of a bike ride completely drop after he drove off on it 1 1/2 week ago.
Unprompted it was brought up by him randomly at the end of a moveout session 1 week ago. I was caught off guard and surprised. My H has some memory issues - example every time he is at the house he states "oh I've got to get those hinges for the gate". Its something he wants to do but when he is not here - out of sight out of mind - until he comes to the house and "sees" the gate. It would be just like him to want to take me on the bike ride and then remember an hour after he leaves the house or later that day. I realize its no longer my job to remind him of things. I never ever bring up the gate... I probably was very wrong to bring up the bike ride.
Is it a magic bullet??? No. But, it would be a 180 for me and something that was important to my H before he left.
I doubt it will happen. I certainly will never bring it up again.
It’s not a 180 for you. It’s a 180 you are desperate to prove to your H.
Let it go. Focus on things you do for you, not to impress your H. Especially ones that make you look clingy and pursue . It won’t be attractive to him.
Focus on 180’s you do for you, that involve you and don’t include something he might “see”
Sometimes we need to learn how to put things down and let them go
It’s not a 180 for you. It’s a 180 you are desperate to prove to your H.
Let it go. Focus on things you do for you, not to impress your H. Especially ones that make you look clingy and pursue . It won’t be attractive to him.
Focus on 180’s you do for you, that involve you and don’t include something he might “see”
Sometimes we need to learn how to put things down and let them go
I hear you. That's why I said I would never bring it up again.
I backslid and initiated texts with him last Saturday. Not again. I will only respond to his text if absolutely needed.
KC - I know this is all very tough. Hang in there.
There's a difference between letting go of the bike ride and not focusing on it internally vs. externally. You maybe didn't mention the bike ride for a week to him, but internally haven't let it go yet.
Why would this bike ride be enjoyable? It's more than likely not going to meet up to your expectations - not sure if it represents a bygone dream for you, or that it's easy to ignore the current situation and get away from it in a make believe world for a while, but ultimately it'd be a bike ride with your husband who has moved in with OW and wants to D. Sounds miserable. As far as the candy, I wouldn't read in to that.
From the contact he does have with you, I agree with AS - sounds like he is just too lazy to get docs himself or do legwork himself, and realizes it's easier to get you to do stuff if he isn't being a jerk about it.
The list of things that you are doing for you sounds great - don't lose focus on yourself by focusing on your H. What made you text him on Saturday, anyhow?
KC - I know this is all very tough. Hang in there.
There's a difference between letting go of the bike ride and not focusing on it internally vs. externally. You maybe didn't mention the bike ride for a week to him, but internally haven't let it go yet.
That's just it... when he rode off on the bike... I had written it completely off. Internally and externally.
Its when he brought it up all on his own days later about taking me on a bike ride that I thought maybe... and then frankly was confused by it. Would OW be okay with H taking his W on a bike ride??? It seemed weird.
Why would this bike ride be enjoyable? It's more than likely not going to meet up to your expectations - not sure if it represents a bygone dream for you, or that it's easy to ignore the current situation and get away from it in a make believe world for a while, but ultimately it'd be a bike ride with your husband who has moved in with OW and wants to D. Sounds miserable. As far as the candy, I wouldn't read in to that.
It would be enjoyable in and of itself. The fact that he was wanting to spend some time with me? Seeing me as the W he used to love?
I know NOT to read into the candy thing, it just left me dumbstruck. Everything going on and you want to bring a tin of candy you bought with me in mind 6months ago? I would have just given the candy to someone else rather than driving 2 hr to return. Again, I know it means nothing.
From the contact he does have with you, I agree with AS - sounds like he is just too lazy to get docs himself or do legwork himself, and realizes it's easier to get you to do stuff if he isn't being a jerk about it.
Yes, it was business. I suppose he thinks we are being friends... I get his paperwork and he says thank you 3 times in one afternoon - not typical to say thank you.
The list of things that you are doing for you sounds great - don't lose focus on yourself by focusing on your H. What made you text him on Saturday, anyhow?
Honestly - I wanted him to be sincere about the bike ride. Honestly - I missed him (BUT WOULD NEVER TEXT THAT). He actually engaged me in conversation. He actually validated me in discussing my work meeting.
But, I know it was a stupid thing and probably set me back a bit and just screamed to him I'm still waiting on you.
I will not text him again unless I need to respond to something he texts to me.
Again, I have been a bit a Negative Nancy. So, I will say that in the last 10 days we are at emotional neutral. There hasn't been an angry exchange of anything in the last 10 days. So I will take and leave it there... walk away and keep working on myself.
Hi KC,
First off I wanted to thank you for your support and kind words in my own thread. Every little bit of support and positivity helps. My 2 cents are just that 2 cents. But imo, I think it’s possible he’s is just being friendly. I think it probably makes him feel better about leaving you and moving on. I don’t think it’s anything but to placate his own emotions that while he may be leaving you, and hurting you dearly, at least he’s being kind/civil about it and that makes him feel better about the decision he’s made. Maybe I’m wrong, but I do think it’s a real possibility.
I do hope you (well all of us) find peace, contentment and most of all happiness in ourselves.
Would OW be okay with H taking his W on a bike ride??? It seemed weird.
Why does this matter? It seems you are searching for any glimmer of a weak link in their relationship, which is understandable because you are hurting, but ultimately takes up so much of your time. Why wouldn't she be OK with it - he moved out and you are not a threat to their relationship at this moment, and a bike ride wouldn't change that.
It would be enjoyable in and of itself. The fact that he was wanting to spend some time with me? Seeing me as the W he used to love?
It seems the best part of DBing and working on yourself is that you get away from needing so much external validation from others. Why is his opinion so tied to your self worth? You have so many great other things that are there to lift you up. I know this is all a lot easier said than done. You have a lot going for you, and have had a lot of really great advice from others. Switch the focus back to you.
Am I working and focusing on myself.
I'm eating right MOST of the time. I'm exercising. I'm getting sleep. I'm staying in contact with friends in the best way possible in light of the quarantine. I get to work everyday. My home is clean. My pets looked after. I'm pursuing focusing on new techniques in a long time hobby. I'm reading/listening to audiobooks. I've got 30 day goals I'm working towards that are all about me - not H or my M. I'm doing a 10week course on saving the M but its really just more stuff focusing on me --- dropping the negatives and thinking positively.
DBing is about no longer going down cheeseless tunnels... its about seeing what works to get a different response from your S and doing more of that... right?
If I'm looking fantastic and acting as if... my head is held high and I'm exuding confidence and this will not break me gets my H on his own accord mention a bike ride with me... who knows if he can ever follow through but it was his idea and his alone (not based on me begging and pleading). If he thinks enough of me to bring a tin of candy because he bought it for me months ago when most people would have chucked it.... then so be it.
There was so much anger in our interactions before 10 days ago. He was so angry. ^^^^ Those are breadcrumbs I know. They mean nothing and they are no where near where he is at a place if ever to recon. I get that.
If I'm doing something different that is getting a different response than anger... then YES I am doing something right??? I'd like to think that. BUT, maybe the more experienced people here know its the calm before the storm???
Maybe its because the other shoe is about to drop???
Maybe JoeS is right and he is placating his own emotions due to the guilt of all the pain he has caused me?
Shouldn't I feel better that we have seemed to come to emotional neutral now from such a negative emotional state on his part?
Either way I know that it doesn't change anything in my immediate future. I still need to focus on me. H isn't changing his current course at this point in time and he may never. I'm the prize... I have acted in a way in the last 10 days that I have immense value. I'm proud of that.
KK,
I want to start off by saying I have nothing but compassion for what you are going through but I have to shoot straight with you here.
Am I working and focusing on myself. .
Yes but with the intent of getting your H back.
I'm eating right MOST of the time. I'm exercising. I'm getting sleep. I'm staying in contact with friends in the best way possible in light of the quarantine. I get to work everyday. My home is clean. My pets looked after. I'm pursuing focusing on new techniques in a long time hobby. I'm reading/listening to audiobooks. I've got 30 day goals I'm working towards that are all about me - not H or my M. I'm doing a 10week course on saving the M but its really just more stuff focusing on me --- dropping the negatives and thinking positively..
These are all fantastic! Keep it up for YOU!
DBing is about no longer going down cheeseless tunnels... its about seeing what works to get a different response from your S and doing more of that... right?.
Not it is not about getting a response from your spouse. Your changes have to be real or they won't stick.
If I'm looking fantastic and acting as if... my head is held high and I'm exuding confidence and this will not break me gets my H on his own accord mention a bike ride with me... who knows if he can ever follow through but it was his idea and his alone (not based on me begging and pleading). If he thinks enough of me to bring a tin of candy because he bought it for me months ago when most people would have chucked it.... then so be it..
Your BSing yourself and you are certainly not exuding confidence. A confident person would not pursue someone who is rejecting them.
Maybe its because the other shoe is about to drop???.
What other shoe can drop? He's divorcing you and moving in with his affair partner.
Maybe JoeS is right and he is placating his own emotions due to the guilt of all the pain he has caused me?.
Joe is a very wise man! Unless he is a psychopath he feels bad for hurting you.
Shouldn't I feel better that we have seemed to come to emotional neutral now from such a negative emotional state on his part? .
Yes if your goal is a friendship. If not it doesn't really matter.
Either way I know that it doesn't change anything in my immediate future. I still need to focus on me. H isn't changing his current course at this point in time and he may never. I'm the prize... I have acted in a way in the last 10 days that I have immense value. I'm proud of that.
Again the prize doesn't chase after the contestant. You are saying the right things but your actions speak a complete different language.
If I'm doing something different that is getting a different response than anger... then YES I am doing something right???
That was your non-DB coach's goal if I recall correctly. What do they say about it and what's next? Thinking of the last four DB situations that went to R, getting the WWS or WAS to act neutral wasn't a key step. Often the WWS or WAS was actually upset the LBS stopped cake eating and they felt loss or worried about loss.
I'm the prize... I have acted in a way in the last 10 days that I have immense value. I'm proud of that.
In the last 10 days, didn't you chit-chat about wanting a bike ride with him and help with his affidavit and financial order? From a distance, to your H, those probably don't say "difficult-to-obtain prize I have to work for". As LH19 says your words are there, and I like hearing all the bits you're doing to work on you.
That was your non-DB coach's goal if I recall correctly. What do they say about it and what's next? Thinking of the last four DB situations that went to R, getting the WWS or WAS to act neutral wasn't a key step. Often the WWS or WAS was actually upset the LBS stopped cake eating and they felt loss or worried about loss.
Yes - the goal with non-DB coach was to get to emotional neutral because of all the negative emotions he associated with me.
CW - he spewed so much anger at me previously. It was hard to stomach.
This feels better? He started conversations on Sunday asking me about my meeting. Of course there was no talk about us or the M and I certainly didn't expect any. But, he never smiled and if he checked me out I never caught him. At one point we were standing side by side in the kitchen.
I'm doing what it says... acting "as if"... faking it until I make it. I'm not appearing weak or mopey in his presence.
There will be at least 1 or 2 more move out dates in the future. I want to handle them like a pro - what else can I do different?
In the last 10 days, didn't you chit-chat about wanting a bike ride with him and help with his affidavit and financial order? From a distance, to your H, those probably don't say "difficult-to-obtain prize I have to work for". As LH19 says your words are there, and I like hearing all the bits you're doing to work on you.
Yes. Very true. My initiating the texts on Saturday was a very poor choice in behavior. I was missing him. Thank goodness I didn't actually text I miss you... that would have been 100 times worse. But, there are times I want to.
I've dug in my heels more. No more texts initiated by me. I will respond to business texts from him but not in a rapid fashion. I will continue to keep myself busy.
And, seriously I am doing lots of homework. I'm working on me sooo much I'm pretty sick of myself. I am sure that due to the quarantine as well. Yes, am I still standing for my M. I am. I can be honest. Do I hope to R with my H. I do. Am I changing just for my H. Not really.... I'm more like discovering the woman he married. Before we worked too many hours... dealt with years of kid issues... getting lost from each other.
I am discovering I put up thicker walls because I wasn't happy with myself and felt my H deserved better. I would try to open up and share with him but his answer (wasn't mean on purpose) would be like "do something about it" and that just made me resist what I should have been doing. It was up to me to make the changes for myself. If I felt bad about the weight gain... I'm the only one who could do something about. Maybe in my head I wanted to hear that he loved me anyway OR hey, lets do it together, BUT I never voiced those ideas to him. He was just thinking if it bothered me than I should fix it. It didn't dawn on him I just wanted acceptance for who I was... which frankly was all he wanted from me in return.
Bottom line. I was unhappy with my weight it really was MY job to fix it.
I'm starting to hate my life right now.
Just got a text from him if I have heard from my atty about the financial order?
No, Nope, No, Nope. Haven't discussed with my atty. I spent a lot of time with emails back and forth over your affidavit that you desperately needed.
Why can't I man up and tell him I'm not doing a d*mn thing over the financial order???
Its all about him and his money so he can ride off in the sunset with OW.
I'm freaking over it!!!!! Stop texting me if that is all I am going to get. Leave me alone. SCREAMING INTO PILLOW.
It just goes to show where your H's mind is at, solely on himself. I agree with the others that your H is placating his guilty feelings for leaving you by playing nice. I would suspect he's trying to fly under the radar hoping for a favorable divorce settlement from you. I think he knows if he dangles the carrot (a bike ride, giving you mints as a nice gesture etc), you will melt and then he can manipulate you. Be careful.
My ex did the same thing. At first she demonized me and made me out to be the devil, she literally blamed me for everything. Then she started acting nice and talking with her sweet voice and asked me if I would give her 3k so she could get her own place and be ok financially (please note I paid for all expenses while we were together except for groceries) when she moved out. When I told her I would not be giving her 3k to leave me (it's crazy even typing that out that dumped me yet again and then asked me for money), she immediately went back to being horrible. I haven't spoken to her since that day.
You simply cannot believe a word out of your H's mouth, even when the words are kind in nature.
Why can't I man up and tell him I'm not doing a d*mn thing over the financial order???
I'm guessing you anticipate he'll get angry?
Imagine how strong you'll be when you can muster a "No"--no excuses, apologies. NO I don't think that's in my best interest, NO that's not my problem to solve. If you have a fair deal pass it by my lawyer. Yes, I see you're angry. I won't be talked to that way. -click- (He loses talking to you privileges for the day)"
Why can't I man up and tell him I'm not doing a d*mn thing over the financial order???
I'm guessing you anticipate he'll get angry?
Imagine how strong you'll be when you can muster a "No"--no excuses, apologies. NO I don't think that's in my best interest, NO that's not my problem to solve. If you have a fair deal pass it by my lawyer. Yes, I see you're angry. I won't be talked to that way. -click- (He loses talking to you privileges for the day)"
I think I'm just not going to respond. And if he pushes I will just text him - NO.
I wish I could go back in time and have just gone the NYE party with him. That was the catalyst. I get it that I was so checked out with him that I didn't spend Christmas Eve or NYE with him. I was so into my own head space that I didn't see how hurt my H was.
But, I can't go back. And, here we are.... total devastation... he is divorcing me... he isn't having any hope that this M can be saved. It is what it is....
KC - why not tell him to contact your attorney about any of those questions? Isn't that the point of having one? Use her to figure it out and spare yourself the emotional turmoil it causes for you when he texts you about this stuff.
KC - why not tell him to contact your attorney about any of those questions? Isn't that the point of having one? Use her to figure it out and spare yourself the emotional turmoil it causes for you when he texts you about this stuff.
I know that is exactly what I need to do... have been trying to keep things amicable because of course my goal is recon...
I'm going to sleep on it tonight. I'm exhausted from doing all his paperwork - the affidavit, the other documents... we've had two move out dates so far which I am helping him with... IT'S LIKE I'M DOING ALL THE LEG WORK FOR MY H TO LEAVE ME.
Just exhausted. I need a mental break.
KC,
Unfortunately, it usually has to get worse, before it gets better. He knows you recon, and he is using it to manipulate things in his favor.
When you're ready, simply tell him, "No, and I don't plan on it."
BTW, the NYE party wasn't a make it or break it event. It is a culmination of a lot of things. He would have found another reason to make his decision.
I know that is exactly what I need to do... have been trying to keep things amicable because of course my goal is recon...
I know your ex is pushing the "Amicable" vs. "Lawyer" false dichotomy hard. My ex and I both have attorneys. It's made things more amicable. It eliminated the drama of her and I arguing over what's fair and worrying what the consequences might be of saying yes or no to a change.
I know that is exactly what I need to do... have been trying to keep things amicable because of course my goal is recon...
I'm going to sleep on it tonight. I'm exhausted from doing all his paperwork - the affidavit, the other documents... we've had two move out dates so far which I am helping him with... IT'S LIKE I'M DOING ALL THE LEG WORK FOR MY H TO LEAVE ME.
Just exhausted. I need a mental break.
Exactly! If this is all stuff he wants, quit doing it for him. It seems like you're coming from a place of wanting to nice him back. It's not rude/mean to make a grown man do his own work - no is a complete sentence. I think a lot of the advice you've been given is to quit exhausting yourself with H in whatever capacity (legally, logistically, emotionally) and use your resources. Having an attorney handle something doesn't mean recon is off the table forever - it just means you are putting yourself in a better place to work on yourself.
KC, thank you for the list of your personal efforts, you are really doing some great things and that's an excellent place to put your focus! Just in general your posts still come off as you very desperately wanting to get your H back, and wanting to do whatever you can towards that end. So in that respect I think you may still be doing things not for you, but for him. Maybe I'm wrong about that, I mean I do see you posting that your focus is on you, it just doesn't feel that way in your posts. That will hopefully change with time. WAS's have a 6th sense for this stuff, they KNOW if you're pining away for them. No matter how much you act "as if", they just KNOW your real motivations. And it repels them, even disgusts them. Eventually you will (hopefully) truly focus on yourself. You will dress sexy because you feel sexy and you want to look sexy, not because you're hoping he'll catch a glimpse of you. You'll bake muffins because you love the smell in your house, not because you're desperately hoping he'll stop by and smell it and want to come home. Do you see what I mean? You're doing the right things, but your focus is still not on YOU and YOUR hopes, dreams and desires (other than recon). To get him back you have to let him go in every sense of the word.
If I'm doing something different that is getting a different response than anger... then YES I am doing something right??? I'd like to think that. BUT, maybe the more experienced people here know its the calm before the storm???
As Michele says, it's all about baby steps. So celebrate ANY improvements! As long as you don't attach a bunch of expectations to it.
Maybe its because the other shoe is about to drop???
I'm not sure there are any shoes left, LOL! He's moved out and is with OW and pushing for D. Not sure what else he could hit you with at this point. I think it's more likely that he's feeling some of the pressure is off since you've been cooperating, and he has his bike and the boat and much of his stuff. This is not uncommon, once the WAS sees their "end game" (divorce, "happy" life with OP) is starting to fall into place then they don't feel pressured anymore and they start relaxing and being more cordial.
One of two scenarios will play out from here. He will ride off into the sunset with OW. Unlikely, but it happens. Or his fantasy life with OW will turn out to be a huge disappointment. Often what happens is life with OW is nothing but rainbows and sunshine and wild sex before D. No bills, no stress, none of the decisions that make life difficult. It's also exciting because of the "taboo" nature of it- married person having a fling. Then comes S and D and moving in with OW. She snores. She leaves her clothes everywhere. She's got crap spread out all over the counter. And good grief, why does she always have to breathe so loud? And was her laugh always that annoying? WHAT she got ANOTHER purse? And MORE SHOES??? Are you kidding? Yeah the bloom is officially off the rose. Then guess what, he feels trapped all over again. He starts thinking of the fun times you had, poking around your FB and wow she's looking good, when did she lose all that weight? And look, she's always doing fun stuff with friends, and wait, who's the guy in those pics? A friend? Coworker? Pangs of jealousy kick in.
^^^This is all human nature.^^^ It's stupid, it's illogical, but it's how we're wired. Hopefully you see now what your END GOAL is here. It's not to keep throwing yourself in front of him NOW, it's to lay the groundwork for what he is going to remember LATER. All that stuff has to play out with OW first before he might start feeling regret. And that is going to take a while.
AS ---- and Everyone Thanks!!
While I am putting every effort to put the focus back on myself, I do see where I am still stuck giving to H some of my desires. Yes, I want this fixed now... at least in 6 months... he has a year and I am done.
In an effort to focus on myself I did a lot of journalling about what I defined as deal breakers - I had 2 BEFORE I was married. 1) Wouldn't marry a smoker (well he wasn't when we married but overtime with years of having his XW withhold his kids for months at time and just being around at work it was an easy stress reliever that he fell back into). He was polite and didn't do it around me. He kept trying to cut back. I used to nag - that didn't help. Then I ignored and he made more effort but that is a tough monkey to get off your back. I accepted my H for who he was - flawed like the rest of us. I mostly worried for his health. AND 2) a PA. I thought the minute there was a PA I would pack my bags and be out the door in a flash. But, I realize my role in where things were at with my H and our M. I will never make excuses for the path he chose to take but I see his pain and his agony before the PA actually happened. I did my reading prior to marrying my H because of his past history... and yet as years of ups and downs and what life throws at you... here we both are again. I understand my H (please do not mix that up with I excuse him.) Under the right conditions I think our M could be salvaged from this - no guarantees. NOW my only deal breaker is 3) Divorce. If we get to D then I know we are truly done. I won't walk down that road where the person I married just completely baled when times got tough. If I can show him I can work through this and he still feels the best answer is D then D it is. So I've given my sitch a year.
I am really focusing on me, but I haven't detached completely yet. I know that is a process and perhaps by keeping the focus on me it will happen.
I took 2 weeks to figure out what I could do with my extra time (especially now with quarantine). I don't want to put ALL my time into knitting ---- that is what happened at the demise of my M. In the last 2 1/2month the tv has only been on for 1 1/2hr... I used to have it on for background noise all the time.
So I went from free online classes about photography - minor interest for me but something I will never invest thousands of dollars to get into. I was interested in MasterClass series and while that would have been interesting would that really challenge me personally? Since I have a highly pedigreed gun dog I looked into "how to train your gun dog". I've never handled a firearm let alone shoot anything. I was laughing at work because I have to get him socialized around gunfire... now I have to go buy a rifle/shotgun I don't even know the difference. I have to learn how to handle it and holy cow I'm gong to get into duck hunting just to keep my athletic dog stimulated!!! It was a good laugh at work. That's going to be a lot of time and needing help of others for sure.
I settled on a 10 week M program where one spouse is out the door. The basis is not to focus on your M but you. And, when the time comes how to implement those things when communicating with your S. I thought this would hammer home thinking and getting the focus truly on myself. There has been a ton of homework. Its a great deal of introspection and a lot of it is painful --- seeing how our behaviors cut each other down rather than building each other up. I showed him my love by DOING things for him. I thought by packing his lunch and doing his laundry and keeping a clean house showed that I loved him immensely. Yeah, those things were nice but his love language is physical touch... and because of my self esteem issues with my weight I didn't feel worthy. That left him feeling rejected and isolated. He left our M because he didn't feel love or respected by me.
Anyway I digress. I'm taking the full 10 weeks. I going to work through this to see how I can be a better person moving forward by things I might have done that hurt my S. And, again hoping this lets me really and truly focus on me because I'm the prize... or as my H put it I was a goddess at one point to him.
Last night was difficult. I know I deserve better and I'm so tired of being a disappointment to my H (yes, I get the latter statement is still putting focus on the H.) Frankly, I do still want recon... that is still my end game. At least I can be honest. But, I'm putting the work in the next 10 weeks to get that focus 100% on me.
Thanks to everyone keeping it real and holding me accountable!!!
KK,
I asked you this before and I don’t think you ever answered. Are you in IC? I am concerned about your well being right now. You listed your dealbreakers and your H broke all of them. Have you thought about that for a minute?
I truly don’t think you understand how long this entire process takes to play itself out.
I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes. “You can ignore reality but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality”. Really think about that quote.
KK,
I asked you this before and I don’t think you ever answered. Are you in IC? I am concerned about your well being right now. You listed your dealbreakers and your H broke all of them. Have you thought about that for a minute?
I truly don’t think you understand how long this entire process takes to play itself out.
I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes. “You can ignore reality but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality”. Really think about that quote.
Not in IC at this moment.
Yes - H broke 1 and 2 of the deal breakers. I'm not so forgiving of number 2 but I have realized the part that I played in the process of number 2. Many couples get through a PA so its possible we could as well? Who knows? There would have to be a lot of work done by H to get through number 2. He is still into chasing happiness elsewhere right now. The reality is even if I got myself to a place where number 2 could be dealt with H is no where near that right now. As for 3 - we are not D yet. Will get to D - highly likely... that is MY end point and where I walk for sure.
Currently he is texting this am about how his free legal atty dropped him and he has to get another one and start all over... then he shared he screwed up his unemployment... Not sure why he feels the need to share this with me.
Regardless I've got outside chores to do... I'm gonna get busy!!!
KC,
Do not reply back to his texts today. He's telling you about the free legal lawyer dropping him and him screwing up his unemployment to get sympathy from you. Poor baby! You aren't his mother and he certainly fired you as a wife. Now, the real world is setting him and it's on him to find another lawyer. Whatever you do, do not help him figure things out on his end about the separation/divorce. That is on him, i.e., he walked out, he's moving his stuff out and he's the one having the affair. If he can do all of that, then he can put his big boy underwear on and figure his life out for himself. Any questions that he poses to you about the legal paperwork, direct him to your lawyer. And, .....no is a valid answer to questions that you don't need to go into depth w/him. Also, when in doubt, do nothing. Sit for a bit and then the answers will come as to what you need to say or do.
Keep the focus on you as much as possible. I do understand why you continue to think of him and post about him, but for the love of the man upstairs, please try to let him go, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Also, don't put a time limit on what will or will not happen in a year. Let that thought drift away. Sometimes it may take more than a year to reconcile and then again, after a year, you may decide you are far better off w/o him. So, drop the time line...it's putting undue pressure on you to try to "win/nice" him back. It won't work. Let him go!
KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOU!!!!
Hi KitKat,
Good morning! Just letting you know I read your update. Good luck today. Agree 142.3145729% with Job.
Had a super good nights sleep last night... felt great.
So why very first thing this morning before I got out of bed was I thinking about him? UGH... so frustrating.
I spent all last night - telling myself I'm beautiful (recent selfie posted on FB - no filters needed!, had people telling me I looked 20yr younger than I am!!), I'm smart, I'm generous, I'm devoted to my career, I'm intelligent, I'm worthy, I'm kind, I'm valuable. And, I believe all these things about me.
So why am I focused on his text from yesterday - that H has to go out and get new atty and he has to start all over.
Why, do I want to text him back ---- Or we could try something else [like work on the M]
I know this is WRONG.
He continued to text. Said if I could drop the financial order he would really appreciate it. Followed by am I working Saturday. Then he could come Sunday?
I responded much later in the day with let me think about it and get back to you later - had plans this weekend. He responded with OK.
I only addressed the business stuff of his texts about getting more of his things. Really could use a break this weekend. Would it be wrong to post pone 1 week so I could focus on my needs this weekend? Nothing at the house is of urgent need for him.
Well don't know how many woman go out and do fence work with a full on smokey eye... but this girl is going too.
I will get through this day. I am stronger than this.
I don’t see where it would be wrong to post pone anything that’s not urgent to take care of yourself. And actually that’s exactly the sort of thing you should be doing imo. It helps you detach, and takes a little control of your own life. But I’m a novice so maybe I’m wrong.
Try not to beat yourself up over thinking about him first thing. But IC would help with that sort of thing too.
Good luck with the fence today!
So why very first thing this morning before I got out of bed was I thinking about him? UGH... so frustrating.
It takes some people longer than others to move on, you're on your own timetable so don't sweat it. The important thing is that you don't react to it and send desperate texts as a plea for attention, and you're not, so that's good!
I spent all last night - telling myself I'm beautiful (recent selfie posted on FB - no filters needed!, had people telling me I looked 20yr younger than I am!!), I'm smart, I'm generous, I'm devoted to my career, I'm intelligent, I'm worthy, I'm kind, I'm valuable. And, I believe all these things about me.
Awesome!
So why am I focused on his text from yesterday - that H has to go out and get new atty and he has to start all over.
Those are two separate things though. You can (and SHOULD!) feel good about yourself, and still be heartbroken and longing to reconcile. So keep feeling good about yourself and PLEASE realize that this has nothing to do with you being a bad or unwanted person. It may feel that way now but it'll pass with time. Keep focusing on those positive affirmations.
He continued to text. Said if I could drop the financial order he would really appreciate it.
NO NO NO. Be very firm with him on this point. He's tried to browbeat you into dropping it, he's tried to threaten you, and nothing has worked so now he is playing on your pity (oh poor me, I can't afford a lawyer! So please drop everything and let me have what I want!) Again, tell him that this came from your lawyer, not you. And it needs to be resolved with your lawyer, not you.
I responded much later in the day with let me think about it and get back to you later - had plans this weekend. He responded with OK.
Don't respond with "let me think about it" after you've already taken hours to reply. Just tell him "no". I think you are still afraid to say that to him, worried it will "hurt your chances". It's not going to hurt anything, because right now there are no chances of recon at all. That is waaaay down the road. Just tell him no, he will have to wait until "X" date. No explanations needed. If he asks why then just tell him you had already made plans and don't want to change them.
I will get through this day. I am stronger than this.
Yes you will. It will take longer than you want it to, but you will get there!
Now I'm angry.... ANGRY...
H texted me earlier today - I believe we get a stimulus check in the next round.
Well I have a pretty good idea we don't. We make too much freaking money. But whether or not we - why are you texting me? I get it. If we do it would go to my bank account. But his name is on account and he has 100% access to it. He can check himself.
Then... he just called. Thank goodness I was busy at work.
Again more texts --- "can you call me when you get a chance"... "I need one more thing from you"
I'm sure this is about his mortgage. But, frankly I'm done. I already spend a day and half and 6 emails to atty to do your affidavit. I spend another evening tracking down docs that you also "needed".
ASK YOUR GF to do it for you... and leave me alone. We are not friends.
That a girl KK. I would make it crystal clear you don’t want him contacting you anymore!
Now you are taking the rose colored glasses off, nice job!
Well at the moment I'm avoiding...
I'm not texting him back OR calling.... I suppose that sends it own message.
I'm NOT ready to deal with this.
I'm NOT his secretary.
What am I getting out of this???? NOTHING. I'm doing all the leg work for my H to leave me... F OFF
So I was given this suggestion by a friend:
Look, I'm sorry things suck and we can work out a time for you to get your stuff but we aren't together so I really just can't be the one you lean on to fix this stuff anymore.
It makes sense to me?
KC, good job so far with all of this today!!
I would convey what your friends suggested through your actions, not your words. Just direct him to your attorney and don't engage. Like "Pls contact atty for any requests," and I'd just ignore the stimulus check comment.
Definitely take the weekend off for you - he can get his stuff another time, he has lived this long without it.
If he needs xyz documents, he can get them himself.
KC,
I got excited for ya when I read you final had enough. I can actually feel your pain reading through your story. So proud of ya!
So I was given this suggestion by a friend:
Look, I'm sorry things suck and we can work out a time for you to get your stuff but we aren't together so I really just can't be the one you lean on to fix this stuff anymore.
It makes sense to me?
I agree with Sam, right sentiment, wrong way of saying it. JUST STICK TO BUSINESS. Tell him you don't have time to take his phone calls and that he needs to respect your privacy (that goes for work as well as home!) Then set his phone number on your phone to mute so it doesn't ring or buzz when he calls. You miss a call or two or twenty from him? GOOD. THAT will send him the message that you're not his personal assistant. You do understand that every time you get a call or text from him it sends you spiraling down all over again? Yes? So why let it happen? You can put an end to that real quick.
He will lean on you as long as you respond. It's his way of controlling you. Once you quit responding, he will stop it.
You do understand that every time you get a call or text from him it sends you spiraling down all over again? Yes? So why let it happen? You can put an end to that real quick.
THIS --- this is where I am at.
On days I don't hear from him it makes me sad/anxious. On days I hear from him it makes me anxious/hopeful. I do spin. Right now he is texting like mad over a document he needs for his mortgage. It truly is something only I can provide. I was busy last night and ignored all but 1 text. I am truly busy this am and cannot deal with his texts.
He opened up to say that this type of loan has been a nightmare to get through. I ignored.
More texts today. I get that he needs it. Its just not MY emergency. He tells me its not him asking for this but the bank... whatever... you are buying a house and leaving our M... not my circus/not my monkeys.
It is getting easier to ignore him most of the time and not scuttling about trying to please him.
I remind myself if the shoe was on the other foot and I needed him... what would his response be? I doubt he would put in the fraction of the work I am for me.... It is getting easier to think of him being gone. Not 100% there yet and still a work in progress.
Really good job thinking with logic instead of being ruled by your emotions Kit, you are growing. Keep going!
Hi KitKat,
I've been thinking of you. If you and your husband don't share any young children together then things should get significantly better once you finish separating your assets and he gets what he needs from your home, documents, etc.. Then you won't have to talk to him nor hear from him anymore and hopefully you'll be able to breath.
One thing I'd add from my experience is that the chance of reconciliation seems much lower the second time someone wants out of the marriage and has an affair. I don't think it matters so much how you look, whether you validate, or how frequently or infrequently you communicate at this point. It's a tragedy that it felt like your marriage was saved a few years ago and now here you are getting divorced. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I guess a lot of stars have to align for a marriage to be successful. It still seems like the best chance for your husband to second-guess his decision will be if he and the other woman break up (and if no other woman is already standing by). There's always hope but it would be hard to trust your husband a third time if he comes back.
I'm not sure there are any shoes left, LOL! He's moved out and is with OW and pushing for D. Not sure what else he could hit you with at this point. I think it's more likely that he's feeling some of the pressure is off since you've been cooperating, and he has his bike and the boat and much of his stuff. This is not uncommon, once the WAS sees their "end game" (divorce, "happy" life with OP) is starting to fall into place then they don't feel pressured anymore and they start relaxing and being more cordial.
I need this printed out in block letters and put on the wall.... YES, he is being WAY more cordial... NOT because he is interested in his W... because he is getting into his life without his W...
Ripping the bandaid off... moving forward... no regrets...
I fell for it... I got flirty... he stated I had told him I had plans this weekend... said I was watching the weather the event may get cancelled... what event he asks???... I'm vauge... hike with friend and dog...
He voluntarily tells me his plans may get cancelled as well... he had an even bike ride planned...
This is on/ off all afternoon.... I let him have the last text... I didn't want to continue... its too much and I'm waiting to see what the motive is ---- AND... drum roll... he states if he could come get more of his stuff this weekend, great.
If it weren't for this is how I'm staying in touch with everyone else I would just put the phone in a drawer. This is STILL about him and what he wants.... not about any curiosity of me.
Yup. Back to square one... but this chick can dig in her heels... I've got a stubborn side and he gets to see it.
I just hid notifications on my phone from H after the suggestion from another poster. Will help me resist immediate response to anything he sends. Do you have yours set to the same?
That feels brutal to hear that you got your hopes up, I’m sorry girl.
KC, I get it. You don’t want him to contact you but you check your phone to see if he has; you could block him but you choose not to because you want to know if he’s contacted you. I am in the same space as you. But every time I feel like asking him to come home I remind myself that this is what * I * want. Only what I want. I would be asking him to Come back because it is what I want. What about what *he * wants? And I know that he does not want to come back or is not ready to come back. So I let it drop. Your H is not ready or does not want to. At the moment his chosen path does not include you. Erase yourself from it. He will use you as the easy option (eg asking for documents). He will be curious about your actions when you stop pursuing. It’s hard to let go of someone you love, when you can envision a perfect marriage with that person knowing the mistakes ypu made , and wanting an opportunity to rectify them. but you can’t entice him back with the way you look , his sexual attention is already elsewhere. Keep doing what you’re doing, but do it for you. You are not 2nd prize . You are not “almost” good enough for him but not quite. You are now beyond him. He doesn’t get to choose again, he already chose. Hugs . You are strong enough to let go because U deserve morevxx
Thank you Pommy and 11 ----- Words to keep reading to move forward!!!
I am beautiful. I am intelligent. I am kind. I am giving. I am generous. I seek to bring the positives out in other people. I understand when someone is treating unkindly I have no real idea what they are going through in life and I accept that their anger is probably rooted elsewhere and I do not take it personally. I am worthy. I am the prize.
I picked up my phone to day to text H that his event that he shared with me yesterday sounds like fun and I hope its not cancelled.
What am I his friend??? What do I hope to gain by this??? That he will respond and want to know about my day??? Maybe he would text back in kind ---- he has been more curious and has asked some questions but lets other drops.
NOPE.... Don't do it... GIRL YOU PUT THAT PHONE DOWN!!!!
Walked away and now involved in webinar.
That man needs to feel you are long gone and you have WAY too many things to do for yourself this weekend to go down that rabbit hole.
Hi KK,
GOOD JOB. Fighting the urge to text H in the beginning of all of this was so so hard for me. I was just desperate to connect with him in whatever way I could.
The thing I realized quickly (though it took me a long time to actually abide by this lesson) was that I was reaching out in an effort to soothe my anxiety, and it literally never worked. If I texted and he didn’t respond: anxiety. If I texted and his response was short: anxiety. If I texted and he engaged more than I expected: a wave of excitement followed shortly by letdown and anxiety. I think you know this already, but I find it helpful to frame it this way. This was one way that I came to realize that I tend to look for external ways to soothe my anxiety and pain, and it was time for me to start to learn to do that from within. I’ll let you know when I’ve got that all sorted
Anyway, I’ve been following along with your sitch, and I completely relate to all the feelings you are having. It seems like right now you’re going through a period of a bit more acceptance and embracing of the lessons you’re learning here, great job! That feeling may or may not stay. For me (and many others) it comes in waves, as do the other feelings. Keep up the good work, and keep putting that phone down!
I've reread AS most recent post to me.... repeatedly.
I spent the last week with the goal of daily being the positive in someone else's life. In the time of quarantine its limited to FB.... I enjoy being the light in someone's day. It has come back to me. I got a lovely card in the mail and a tiny surprise. It put a wonderful smile on my face!
I have such moments of strong confidence over the weekend. I have dark moments too. There has been s ok me light texting with my H... nothing about us... and at least for the weekend not anything that he needs me to do.
I need to seriously buckle down for LRT.
KK,
The first part of your post is a really good update and I think it's great. Then you talk about light texting with your husband. You will not detach from him until you go NC.
I get it ----- it was just light texting. We still have business matters to finish.
He opens up a little - minimal and completely on his own. No R talks. He tried being funny yesterday afternoon when there was an issue with the puppy... he was concerned.
It was poor judgement on my part to initiate text late Sat night. I spent so much time putting down my phone over and over and then stupidly went for it "did you make to your X event"... 5min later at 11:30 at night he said "it was cancelled". I should have replied but I couldn't... I should have said "bummer" but did not. Why was he texting so late at night - shouldn't he be with her?
^^^What does it matter? I'm having expectations and still focusing on him.
Got a dose of reality when i woke up to the text - "when can I get more stuff"... Is this just him running hot and cold? OR what I'm sure everyone here is saying ---- he is being friends now. He is getting his stuff and getting on with his new life and getting some happiness.
Well come get more of this weekend. I'm doing the work and my confidence is WAY up. And, maybe I was foolish this weekend BUT he is the fool. I'm strong.... I'm gorgeous and frankly I'm just back to being cocky... look out I may get you with my little stingers... there is going to a large wake when I move through.
Peace and Love to all.
It’s him keeping you nice and friendly so that everything goes smoothly for him. It has nothing to do with anything else.
It’s him keeping you nice and friendly so that everything goes smoothly for him. It has nothing to do with anything else.
I second this completely. Unfortunately same thing is happening to me too.
KC,
Your business partnership has gone south, which means that you need to treat the ending of the partnership as business and business only. Keep your texts to business and/or emergencies. Your h is being nice at the moment because he is getting what he wants and he knows that he has to play this game in order to keep you on the line and easier to deal with. I wouldn't be texting w/him unless it concerns coming to the house to pick his stuff up, bill discussions and/or financial stuff (which if it involves lifting the order, etc., refer him to your lawyer).
Trust me, he knows that he'll get more with honey than with vinegar. Stick to the business at hand. He can't miss you if you are responding to non-business texts.
Keep the focus on you as much as possible. Put a rubber band on your wrist and each time you are tempted to say something to him in person or text him, snap that band. The sting will stop you from doing whatever you are thinking about saying or doing.
Everyone is right - I'm just hurting and just causing more hurt to myself.
I look for positives and light in the darkness.
He is beyond me now. I'm just in the way of my own healing.
Thanks for words of encouragement and honesty!!!!
KC,
No big deal. Pick yourself up and heed the advice that is being given to you. You gotta believe that you deserve better, because you do. You are right where you are supposed to be. Where you go from here, is up to you. You have choices too.
Before you have the opportunity to work things out with your H, you have to completely let go(Drop the Rope). Even then, there are no guarantees. Your fear of letting go is paralyzing you. Fear is worse than reality.
The more you practice not responding, the less you'll respond, until you don't respond anymore. I have no doubt you'll get there. Head up, shoulders back.
Good morning KitCat, I’m right with you, I just started practicing NC and it’s SO. FREAKING. HARD. especially because I feel like my H is actively avoiding me because he is afraid he will waver on his decision. Yesterday he did something nice for the kiddos while he was here and I almost texted him this morning to tell him thank you for doing that but I didn’t and later got a text from about separating finances.
Thank goodness I didn’t text. I very much agree with HopeCA on previous page about texting him is setting yourself up for anxiety and disappointment. Keep working at lowering the expectations. Also did you mute his contact on your phone? I’m telling you to DO IT if you haven’t. I just did it a few days ago and it is a little empowering that I don’t respond back to him right away because it’s not dinging in my face causing a wave of anxiety. I choose to not let that text message control me. When I do decide to read the text message and I put my phone back down and WAIT to respond until after I have processed what is there sitting in the message for me. Old ElevenDiamonds would respond with emotion and I almost almost behaved in a petty way this weekend as a response because I’m hurting right now. But I put the phone down and a few minutes later I realized why I was trying to respond petty and all that would do is validate his thoughts right now that he is making the right choice. I can rise above that previous behavior.
My goal is short and polite and give NOTHING more right now. We can do this!
^^^ 11 thank you...
I cannot mute his stuff without everyones stuff being muted so not overly helpful.
I have been absolutely great in that I have not responded with emotion in over 3 weeks? maybe 4? That I'm proud of for sure!!!
I don't respond immediately. I'm cordial as if talking to a neighbor. I do not ask anything of him - unless he volunteers. He readily asked me about my plans for the weekend - I was vague "hike with friend and dogs" He then said "oh, ok", then "I have a motorcycle event but it will probably be cancelled due to weather/covid". He has only been sharing tid bits in the last 3 weeks minimally but it is more than before.
I was wrong to break down and text Saturday about his event. That was weakness on my my part and honestly stunned I got an immediate response so late at night. But, I have learned that he is more open late at night. He frequently sends texts after 11pm. Today I got one at 12:30am. I wonder if its during these times he has more time to let him mind wander - he can block out things during the day but at night stews?
Oh who knows and its not healthy for me to go down the path of assumptions.
I am tired of the text media. I said he should call about working out getting more stuff this weekend. I think I can handle calls now. I'm stronger. I can stay focused and I'm good as gold when it comes to being the first to end the convo --- I'm a pro at it now! I'm an expert about only talking about business stuff. I NEVER ASK WHERE HE IS AT WITH THE R. I won't lie --- love to say can we just skip the atty's and drop this for now??? Just trying to see if he is going after this with the same gusto of 6 weeks ago... Let's just rip off the bandaid and move on?
Its all pointless. I'm my own barricade right now. I need to focus on getting his stuff and having absolutely no reason for him to contact... and then if he does... maybe he isn't done just yet.
Its a beautiful Monday!!!
Picking myself up and
Bottom line --
I have to get it
He has to be willing to risk it again
Breathing deeply and focusing on work and all the things I'm brilliant at!!!
KC, hang in there, you're doing a lot better these days! You're maintaining perspective and putting DB into practice much better than before. I think you're starting to see that it's the right approach even though your heart is telling you to pursue, pursue, pursue. Good job
Keep using us as your sounding board when you start having doubts.
Do you have an iPhone? If so, go to your text messages and swipe left and you’ll see a pop up for “Hide Alerts” and it will “mute” him. You won’t get a ding or buzz when he sends a message and you’ll see it when you happen to check your messages. I’m telling you just not jumping when I hear the phone has made a huge difference for me. If you have another brand of phone I’m sure you can still achieve the same effect and hopefully someone can provide some input.
Hang in there, just get through today. You are worth it.
Do you have an iPhone? If so, go to your text messages and swipe left and you’ll see a pop up for “Hide Alerts” and it will “mute” him. You won’t get a ding or buzz when he sends a message and you’ll see it when you happen to check your messages. I’m telling you just not jumping when I hear the phone has made a huge difference for me. If you have another brand of phone I’m sure you can still achieve the same effect and hopefully someone can provide some input.
Hang in there, just get through today. You are worth it.
No iphone. Its not the end of everything. Like I said I don't immediately respond and I haven't responded with emotion for several weeks.
My issue is I take his kindness + his curiosity about my plans === interest in us. That's on me. I have to realize its just him realizing that anger wasn't getting anywhere with me I suppose.
KC, hang in there, you're doing a lot better these days! You're maintaining perspective and putting DB into practice much better than before. I think you're starting to see that it's the right approach even though your heart is telling you to pursue, pursue, pursue. Good job
Keep using us as your sounding board when you start having doubts.
Thank you -- overall my confidence is good. Its dips at times.
I'm not always making the right choice in interactions. BUT, I will pat myself on the pat that I am not creating more conflict. I'm not creating negatives AND I'm not discussing R.
But, I am hearing everyone and I need to stop all contact. He won't ever miss me if I'm a text away. I was good for a bit only responding to every 3rd or 4th text. That's my goal again.
I will have to see him again... back to being beautiful and upbeat and leaving him wondering why I'm soooo happy!
I was good for a bit only responding to every 3rd or 4th text. That's my goal again.
I know you wanted to give him a shot at reconciling. If a technical hack won’t work for you, maybe a mind hack would help? Imagine how whenever you text him something non-essential how you’re resetting the clock—“How long was I going to gift him to miss me and consider reconciliation? I was going to give him 12 months! Do I care so little to give him only 3 days?!”
I was good for a bit only responding to every 3rd or 4th text. That's my goal again.
I know you wanted to give him a shot at reconciling. If a technical hack won’t work for you, maybe a mind hack would help? Imagine how whenever you text him something non-essential how you’re resetting the clock—“How long was I going to gift him to miss me and consider reconciliation? I was going to give him 12 months! Do I care so little to give him only 3 days?!”
Its a good point.
He just texted about the protective order again. I've buried my head in the sand enough over this.
I just texted: "It cannot be lifted at this time... did you get all the documents you needed for the bank"
I'm done. I'm prepared for WWIII. I don't even care about his anger anymore.
When I say i'm done --- I'm done with the hope in recon. I'm still doing my work. Its hard and its a struggle and he will never know. But, I am done with cowering. Sure, I still want to please him... endlessly.
Let him yell... let him rave... let him get a new atty. What I want doesn't even blip on his radar --- no attys and time to work this out. I'm tired of not having my needs matter.
I kept this to 100% business. I hate it so very much. BUT, he needs to respect me.
Good job, Kit. Your H has been trying to manipulate you by being nice and you haven't taken the bait. I think it's safe to assume that he will try a new tactic and may even revert back to trying to intimidate you. Stay the course!
Don't worry about deciding whether you are done or not, your feelings and emotions will change frequently. Today you are done, tomorrow you will be pining for H. With lots of time, you will begin to balance out and think more objectively.
You're getting stronger, keep going.
Oh --- I just read what I typed... LOL
I'm done.... with hiding from the financial order...
I'm done with the hope of recon... that I still want... but I've got a lot to deal with - mostly hunkering down in preps for anger from the H.
I will take a phone call from him tonight because i did mention that in regards to him getting his stuff --- otherwise I am ignoring any other contact the rest of the week. I don't care what he thinks he needs... I have needs to and he is just running all other them like an out of control train... NO MORE.. Mr Conductor. This girl just got her engineers license.
Oh CRAP with all things that are unholy.....
I just sent H a text 100% meant for female BFF...
He just texted back what does OW mean????
I texted her- no response... he must be b*tching about me to OW...
I'm laughing so hard... its comical... Could I have stepped into any worse situation??? Any quick repair tips?
OW- Outside Water?... Otter Wellies? Only White?
Oh no!!! I worry about that too, I wish I could put H in a separate spot on my phone. Don’t explain it to him, just tell him sorry, texted wrong person.
He doesn’t deserve your time to explain (and will probably be pissed if you do)
"Meant for someone else." is plenty. As Diamonds says, you don't need to explain yourself to him.
OMG --- hilarious...
I just texted him - oops sorry wrong person... truly sorry.
His response - "you are b*tching about me to female bff?"
Uhm... well yes... you walked out on me... do you thinks its all rainbows and unicorns??? I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Could this get any worse??? So pathetic on my part but holy crap on his as well.
OOOOOHHHHH The best!!!!!!
Uhm... well yes... you walked out on me... do you thinks its all rainbows and unicorns??? I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Could this get any worse??? So pathetic on my part but holy crap on his as well.
lol. It happens. Human. (: