https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=62710&Number=2887064#Post2887064That is from my previous link.
Job can you link my old one to this one. I cdd as my do it, it’s closed. Thanks
I have a question. My ex is definitely poisoning my daughter about me. My d says things that would it come from a 12 year old. Like my girlfriend is too nice, that is fake no one is that nice. Or she my d actually said, why is a 40 year old still living at home. What’s wrong with her? There must be something wrong if she still lives at home. I responded to that with, “There is nothing wrong with that. She is very picky on who she wants to spend her life with. I hope that you would do the same. Not rush into anything with someone. She is being smart. I would want you to do the same thing.”
The point is my ex is bad mouthing me. Is there anything I can do or should do? I know if I confront my ex. She will deny anything. Or is this just going to be divorce? My d is drifting more and more away from me. In case anyone forgot my d already had an unhealthy obsession with my ex. My IC and my kids IC said to me it’s normal for the abused child to latch on to the abused parent, always looking for love, that they don’t want to be discarded. Abused verbally at times. She has told my d she looks like $hit, she smells like $hit, her hair looks like a birds nest. That’s embarrassing how you go out. And she has seen my ex cut family and close friends out of her life permanently. It just hurts so much, how much I love my children and everything I did for them and how I could die in front of my d and she would step right over me and keep on walking. I know my d is hurting and this is hard for my kids. I just feel like I lost everything. Family and home. Any advice would help.
Another question. When I have the kids, she will text me 2 to 3 times, “How are the kids?” I always respond with, “Great.” I usually text her once when she has the kids, “How are they doing?” Should I stop doing that? I want to fully detach at this point. Or is that fuel she will use to tell my kids I don’t care because I don’t text to see how they are. I use to text my d once a day too. But some people have said because of how she is feeling to give her space. Love her from a distance. That I shouldn’t text her either anymore. Help please.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=62710&Number=2887064#Post2887064That is from my previous link.
Job can you link my old one to this one. I cdd as my do it, it’s closed. Thanks
I have a question. My ex is definitely poisoning my daughter about me. My d says things that would it come from a 12 year old. Like my girlfriend is too nice, that is fake no one is that nice. Or she my d actually said, why is a 40 year old still living at home. What’s wrong with her? There must be something wrong if she still lives at home. I responded to that with, “There is nothing wrong with that. She is very picky on who she wants to spend her life with. I hope that you would do the same. Not rush into anything with someone. She is being smart. I would want you to do the same thing.”
The point is my ex is bad mouthing me. Is there anything I can do or should do? I know if I confront my ex. She will deny anything. Or is this just going to be divorce? My d is drifting more and more away from me. In case anyone forgot my d already had an unhealthy obsession with my ex. My IC and my kids IC said to me it’s normal for the abused child to latch on to the abused parent, always looking for love, that they don’t want to be discarded. Abused verbally at times. She has told my d she looks like $hit, she smells like $hit, her hair looks like a birds nest. That’s embarrassing how you go out. And she has seen my ex cut family and close friends out of her life permanently. It just hurts so much, how much I love my children and everything I did for them and how I could die in front of my d and she would step right over me and keep on walking. I know my d is hurting and this is hard for my kids. I just feel like I lost everything. Family and home. Any advice would help.
You can't control your ex-W. Your D is naturally not going to like anyone you date. This is not proof that your W is behind it. I could see my D at 12 saying and asking those kind of things. You talk about 12 yearolds as if they are all the same.
So don't fixate on it. Just make your kids life the best you can when you are with them. Kids are smart. They see when a parent is a good parent. So be a good parent and let your exW deal with them her way.
Another question. When I have the kids, she will text me 2 to 3 times, “How are the kids?” I always respond with, “Great.” I usually text her once when she has the kids, “How are they doing?” Should I stop doing that? I want to fully detach at this point. Or is that fuel she will use to tell my kids I don’t care because I don’t text to see how they are. I use to text my d once a day too. But some people have said because of how she is feeling to give her space. Love her from a distance. That I shouldn’t text her either anymore. Help please.
Stop overthinking things. If she has the kids and you legit want to know how they are doing, text her and ask her. If you are doing it as an excuse to text her, then don't.
And if I am worried or wondering about my D I will text her. She is my D, I am not handling her like a WW.
W,
Holy $hit where to begin. I don’t think neither of you are fit to be parents and your children don’t have much of a chance but you’re the one here so I’ll give you the advice. Get them in therapy and make it crystal clear to your W not to talk to your daughter like that. EVER!
Do you not see the irony where you tell your daughter not to rush into anything with someone????? I thought your gf was in her twenties or something. Why is she still living at home at 40?
Anyways focus on your kids Wolf they need someone normal and dependable and right now you may be the closest thing to it.
Is your daughter in IC? If not you should consider that. Talk to the counselor and explain that you feel XW is poisoning her and see what he/ she can do to help your D process those emotions. It needs to be an independent 3rd party, if you try to argue with D over every thing XW tells her then you're lowering yourself to XW's level and just confusing D. If you try to talk to XW about it I think it'll just be a waste of time. She will either insist she's right or she'll call you paranoid or both.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=62710&Number=2887064#Post2887064That is from my previous link.
Job can you link my old one to this one. I cdd as my do it, it’s closed. Thanks
I have a question. My ex is definitely poisoning my daughter about me. My d says things that would it come from a 12 year old. Like my girlfriend is too nice, that is fake no one is that nice. Or she my d actually said, why is a 40 year old still living at home. What’s wrong with her? There must be something wrong if she still lives at home. I responded to that with, “There is nothing wrong with that. She is very picky on who she wants to spend her life with. I hope that you would do the same. Not rush into anything with someone. She is being smart. I would want you to do the same thing.”
The point is my ex is bad mouthing me. Is there anything I can do or should do? I know if I confront my ex. She will deny anything. Or is this just going to be divorce? My d is drifting more and more away from me. In case anyone forgot my d already had an unhealthy obsession with my ex. My IC and my kids IC said to me it’s normal for the abused child to latch on to the abused parent, always looking for love, that they don’t want to be discarded. Abused verbally at times. She has told my d she looks like $hit, she smells like $hit, her hair looks like a birds nest. That’s embarrassing how you go out. And she has seen my ex cut family and close friends out of her life permanently. It just hurts so much, how much I love my children and everything I did for them and how I could die in front of my d and she would step right over me and keep on walking. I know my d is hurting and this is hard for my kids. I just feel like I lost everything. Family and home. Any advice would help.
You can't control your ex-W. Your D is naturally not going to like anyone you date. This is not proof that your W is behind it.
I feel she is by what my d has said. About my GF living at home. Or she is too nice.
Another question. When I have the kids, she will text me 2 to 3 times, “How are the kids?” I always respond with, “Great.” I usually text her once when she has the kids, “How are they doing?” Should I stop doing that? I want to fully detach at this point. Or is that fuel she will use to tell my kids I don’t care because I don’t text to see how they are. I use to text my d once a day too. But some people have said because of how she is feeling to give her space. Love her from a distance. That I shouldn’t text her either anymore. Help please.
Stop overthinking things. If she has the kids and you legit want to know how they are doing, text her and ask her. If you are doing it as an excuse to text her, then don't.
And if I am worried or wondering about my D I will text her. She is my D, I am not handling her like a WW.
I guess for me I should just text her on occasion. I don’t get much but that is ok. At least she will know I care.
W,
Holy $hit where to begin. I don’t think neither of you are fit to be parents and your children don’t have much of a chance but you’re the one here so I’ll give you the advice. Get them in therapy and make it crystal clear to your W not to talk to your daughter like that. EVER!
Do you not see the irony where you tell your daughter not to rush into anything with someone????? I thought your gf was in her twenties or something. Why is she still living at home at 40?
Anyways focus on your kids Wolf they need someone normal and dependable and right now you may be the closest thing to it.
My GF is 26. She made up that number 30. My d does go to IC but once a month. I think she needs more. I do focus on my kids. I try to make sure I am the best dad when I am with them. It’s hard when d doesn’t want to be around me.
And yes this is really ruining my children. I can only take care of my part. I really feel at this point I will lose my d. Hopefully one day she will realize what a good father I was. Or at least tried to be.
Is your daughter in IC? If not you should consider that. Talk to the counselor and explain that you feel XW is poisoning her and see what he/ she can do to help your D process those emotions. It needs to be an independent 3rd party, if you try to argue with D over every thing XW tells her then you're lowering yourself to XW's level and just confusing D. If you try to talk to XW about it I think it'll just be a waste of time. She will either insist she's right or she'll call you paranoid or both.
I agree. There is no point in talking to ex. I will let my d’s IC know for next time.
I am detaching more and more from ex. And really starting to fall for my GF. As I detach more the ex is getting more and more mad and trying to gaslight me. 2 weeks ago she took the kids on a cruise while I was in Brazil. She was angry that I did not call the kids or text them that week while they were on the cruise. She said what kind of father doesn’t speak to his kids for a week. I said you were in the middle of the ocean.
Then yesterday my sons basketball team went to a minor league basketball game. My sons team got to play on the court before the game started. When the team was going out on the court, she was not there yet. I text her to tell her the kids were going on the court. Her response was, “Oh your here, good communication. Top secret huh?” I just responded I’m here. She doesn’t like that I am detaching more and more. Honestly she is making me despise her more and more. I’m tired of the gaslighting. I’m tired of her angry emotions all the time.
You may want to look up detaching because that you definitely are not.
You may want to look up detaching because that you definitely are not.
Ok you might be right. I guess trying to separate myself from her. But I am working hard to keep detaching. I just read the thread.
Wow. Just wow.
Falling more for your GF? Like 2 weeks ago it wasn’t working out so well.
You bring a new woman into your child’s life so shortly after divorce and you expect your kids to embrace with open arms.
And you are so so so attached to your ex.
Those poor kiddos
Wow. Just wow.
Falling more for your GF? Like 2 weeks ago it wasn’t working out so well.
You bring a new woman into your child’s life so shortly after divorce and you expect your kids to embrace with open arms.
And you are so so so attached to your ex.
Those poor kiddos
Ok maybe last week I over reacted. We were just having a disagreement. My d seems to have no problem with my ex’s BF who she has been dating for just a couple of months. Again, for my d it comes from this unhealthy obsession she has for my ex. My ex could be dating a bum and my d would like him. It’s just what I am up against with my d. I am honestly feeling a lot, lot better not being with ex. She is making this easier and easier.
And yes I feel very bad for my kids. I hate that this happened. I wish for my kids that they would have had married parents. But that is not in the cards anymore.
When I say I feel bad for your kids, it’s not because their parents aren’t married. It’s because of how BOTH are ha doing things post D. You rushed into a relationship shop while still attached to your wife. A relationship in which you are all over the board.
They have no stability or focused attention on them at a time they need it much more. Both of you are focused on each other in unhealthy ways and on brand new Relationships.
A main reason why it is advised against to jump into a relationship where kids are involved is because of how it affects the kids. They need much more. They need the chance to adjust to this post D life. They need the focus off other relationships and on them and how they are handling and coping.
And maybe your ex can’t do it or doesn’t want to do it, but you could have.
I truly do not believe it’s the divorce itself that kids have hard time dealing with. It’s how it’s handled and they are transitioned into their new ways of living. And transitioned properly, they could be just fine with outcome
Holy $hit where to begin. I don’t think neither of you are fit to be parents and your children don’t have much of a chance but you’re the one here so I’ll give you the advice. Get them in therapy and make it crystal clear to your W not to talk to your daughter like that. EVER!
Do you not see the irony where you tell your daughter not to rush into anything with someone????? I thought your gf was in her twenties or something. Why is she still living at home at 40?
Anyways focus on your kids Wolf they need someone normal and dependable and right now you may be the closest thing to it.
I just love LH19.
When I say I feel bad for your kids, it’s not because their parents aren’t married. It’s because of how BOTH are ha doing things post D. You rushed into a relationship shop while still attached to your wife. A relationship in which you are all over the board.
They have no stability or focused attention on them at a time they need it much more. Both of you are focused on each other in unhealthy ways and on brand new Relationships.
A main reason why it is advised against to jump into a relationship where kids are involved is because of how it affects the kids. They need much more. They need the chance to adjust to this post D life. They need the focus off other relationships and on them and how they are handling and coping.
And maybe your ex can’t do it or doesn’t want to do it, but you could have.
I truly do not believe it’s the divorce itself that kids have hard time dealing with. It’s how it’s handled and they are transitioned into their new ways of living. And transitioned properly, they could be just fine with outcome
Ginger. I don’t think I rushed into a relationship for the sake of the kids. It was 10 months after I started to date and the. They didn’t meet or know I had a GF until 8 months after that. So 18 months went by after our separation/divorce. As far as me moving on, yeah, maybe it was a little too soon. As far as my relation being all over the board, again they were. But my emotions and feelings are coming togther. The ex has just been so miserable it has really made it a lot easier like said to really remove myself from her.
Can you explain stability and focused attention? When I have them, I try and do fun things with them. I always speak with them and how they are doing. I give them kisses and hugs and tell them all the time how much I love them.
Honestly, help me then. What am I missing?
Ok maybe last week I over reacted. We were just having a disagreement. My d seems to have no problem with my ex’s BF who she has been dating for just a couple of months. Again, for my d it comes from this unhealthy obsession she has for my ex. My ex could be dating a bum and my d would like him. It’s just what I am up against with my d.
Wolf, I have never seen a young girl that had an "unhealthy obsession" for her own mother. I think most people would call that what it is- love. I think you are extremely jealous of the strong relationship the two of them have when you should applaud their closeness. When girls are really young they tend to bond with their dad, and as they get into the teen years they pull back from that and attach more to their mom. It's normal, and as a dad you should just accept it and focus on making the best of the time that you have with her. The terminology you're using- "what I am up against" and such, it's like you see this as a battle between you and XW and you want to "win" and you want her to "lose". How about both of you winning? What's wrong with that? Set aside your jealously and pettiness and encourage your D to have a strong R with XW AND with you.
Ok maybe last week I over reacted. We were just having a disagreement. My d seems to have no problem with my ex’s BF who she has been dating for just a couple of months. Again, for my d it comes from this unhealthy obsession she has for my ex. My ex could be dating a bum and my d would like him. It’s just what I am up against with my d.
Wolf, I have never seen a young girl that had an "unhealthy obsession" for her own mother. I think most people would call that what it is- love. I think you are extremely jealous of the strong relationship the two of them have when you should applaud their closeness. When girls are really young they tend to bond with their dad, and as they get into the teen years they pull back from that and attach more to their mom. It's normal, and as a dad you should just accept it and focus on making the best of the time that you have with her. The terminology you're using- "what I am up against" and such, it's like you see this as a battle between you and XW and you want to "win" and you want her to "lose". How about both of you winning? What's wrong with that? Set aside your jealously and pettiness and encourage your D to have a strong R with XW AND with you.
Bravo! You could hug and kiss your kids and play with them, but look at the behavior you are modeling! How does your daughter have an “unhealthy obsession” with her own mom???? You are far from having done your own work. That’s what you should be concentrating on at this time. Focus on building healthy relationships with your kids. Not ones that feel like a “who does it better” with your ex.
You aren’t up against anything with your D. You are simply her father. Be a father who models positive behavior in all relationships.
My d has been I therapy since she was 3. Because she had severe separation anxiety. Anytime my ex would leave her she would cry and throw tantrums. Even school was hard for her for her first few years of school. She would cry going to school. Anytime while we were married and my ex would go out I would play with the kids and do all kinds of fun things with them. My son is not like that at all. When my d met my GF she cried that she had to meet her. When my d met my ex’s BF she didn’t cry at all. Like I said my ex could date a bum on the street and it would be fine. I could bring home Ariana Grande and she would hate her and have a problem with her. I am a very loving father who always played with my kids and took them places and was always there for them. I taught my d how to ride a bike and my ex wouldn’t even come outside. She said can you record it. While we were first going through our separation my d started to have panic attacks. My ex would yell at her to get over it and to cut the $hit. Then walk out and slam the door. What did I do, go in her room and talk to her and comfort her. My ex right in front of her said why are you talking to her, she needs to get over this. I said I can’t just leave her like this. I slept on her floor for a week until she got better. The point is I was always there for my d in a very loving way. My ex and her would always battle. But once this happened, my d quickly sided with her. Both therapists said because my d is afraid my ex with cut her off too. (My ex has cut out endlesss amounts of friends and family, she doesn’t talk to anyone in her family except her parents, that’s because that constantly give her money, or else she would have cut them off too. As a matter of fact she barely spoke to her parents for 2 years before our separation because she had so many problems with her parents and brother. But once this happened she went crying to them for money.) That they latch on to the abuser for fear of rejection. And that I am the safe one and she knows I would never do that too her. I hope all of this makes sense.
Look I am not jealous of their relationship. I hoe they have a great relationship. I am not looking to win or lose either. I would just hope that she would treat us equally. Nasty to both or nice to both. It just hurts that I was always there for my d but now she is making me out to be the “bad” guy. I just hurts so much how I tried to always be this loving, caring parent.
W,
I really feel sorry for your children and I really hope they can get some good therapy. You and your ex both have toxic personality disorders so it will be difficult for them to find a sense of stability. My father is a narcissist but I had comfort and stability from my mother. To this day he will tell you he never did anything wrong in his life. IMO if what you were saying was true then your daughter couldn’t get enough of being with you. I truly hope you can really start to look in the mirror and start to answer some really tough questions and get some help.
I hope the best for your children.
W,
I really feel sorry for your children and I really hope they can get some good therapy. You and your ex both have toxic personality disorders so it will be difficult for them to find a sense of stability. My father is a narcissist but I had comfort and stability from my mother. To this day he will tell you he never did anything wrong in his life. IMO if what you were saying was true then your daughter couldn’t get enough of being with you. I truly hope you can really start to look in the mirror and start to answer some really tough questions and get some help.
I hope the best for your children.
I am always trying to reflect and become a better person. I try very hard to be supportive to my kids. I have tried for a long time to be my kids rock. But my d just pushed back on me. What should I be doing then? I am so lost.
I am really trying to be understanding to my kids feelings. I know I had made mistakes in the past and I am working hard not to make those mistakes again with my kids. But at what point does my life move on?
WM, here is the thing. You can't fix her, or your D. All you can do is be the best parent that you can be from this moment forward. And coparent with your ex in the most productive, kid-first focused way possible.
Well Wolf judging on how you and your ex interact with each other your life isn’t going to move on for a really long time.
My guess is that both of you guys are so wrapped in yourselves and your bfs and gfs that your kids needs are not getting met.
Well Wolf judging on how you and your ex interact with each other your life isn’t going to move on for a really long time.
My guess is that both of you guys are so wrapped in yourselves and your bfs and gfs that your kids needs are not getting met.
I also love LH
Seconded. I aggravate him constantly and yet he sticks with it and helps course-correct me.
Well Wolf judging on how you and your ex interact with each other your life isn’t going to move on for a really long time.
My guess is that both of you guys are so wrapped in yourselves and your bfs and gfs that your kids needs are not getting met.
I am trying to help my kids out. I am trying to get their needs met. I have listened on how to communicate with ex. But she is very difficult. For very long I was a nice guy and gave in to her needs. This board opened my eyes up about that. So now I try and do what’s “right”. But ex is so use to me placating her she fires back with hostility. I know I can’t control her, I can only control myself. I have become so much more patient and I do a lot of validating now. I even do it for my children, validate.
W,
I completely understand what you are saying and I feel your pain. You listen to all the advice her and implement it perfectly. You’re a fantastic dad who listens and understands that this is a really difficult time and strangers may even make it more difficult. It’s not your fault your ex is a horrible person and is to blame for everything. She even made you go out and get a gf who competes with your children for your attention. This is all her fault and I am so sorry you are involved in this mess.
...her she fires back with hostility....
When she does this, how do you respond?
My d has been I therapy since she was 3. Because she had severe separation anxiety. Anytime my ex would leave her she would cry and throw tantrums.
One of my children went through a period much like you described. It started after I went back to work. Every time I got out of her sight, she would panic. I felt responsible, b/c someone told me to slip out when they (the babysitter, my SIL) got the child busy playing. I think that was a mistake, b/c it got where I couldn't walk out of the room without her getting anxious. Eventually, my grandparents started keeping her while I was working, and the problems went away. Apparently, things were more severe with your child.
IMHO, your ex should have been the one in therapy, instead of your three year old child. Based on the things you have described, there is something there that is unhealthy in that relationship between your ex and her first born. When a negative minded (or some type of mental illness) mother is constantly talking in the ear of her daughter, I think there could be repercussions.
My son is not like that at all.
My guess is your ex's relationship with the son is not the same as with the daughter.
The point is I was always there for my d in a very loving way. My ex and her would always battle. But once this happened, my d quickly sided with her. Both therapists said because my d is afraid my ex with cut her off too. (My ex has cut out endlesss amounts of friends and family, she doesn’t talk to anyone in her family except her parents, that’s because that constantly give her money, or else she would have cut them off too. As a matter of fact she barely spoke to her parents for 2 years before our separation because she had so many problems with her parents and brother. But once this happened she went crying to them for money.) That they latch on to the abuser for fear of rejection. And that I am the safe one and she knows I would never do that too her. I hope all of this makes sense.
It makes perfect sense to me. The mother and daughter do not
have to get along, but the mother's neurotic influence is extremely strong. When the mother cuts someone off, or when she is agitated with the H, she communicates the negative one-sided perspective to the daughter she holds so tightly. The mother's unhealthy mental condition will probably have affect on the daughter. That's not to say the daughter has no hope in living a fairly, normal, happy life. I'm just suggesting that she will struggle to break free of her mother's unhealthy influence over her (the daughter) own thoughts, emotions, and actions. Having a healthy minded father is certainly a plus in the daughter's life.
The view of the family dynamic appears extremely unfair for the father who is trying to show the natural loving side of a parent. Not only can the neuroticism in the mother cause inadequate parenting practices, but it creates a very stressful family environment. The neurotic mother may appear to "do no wrong" in the eyes of the children, while the more healthy father feels that his parenting downs in the powerful negative parenting style of the mother. When the parents don't get along, the child who is heavily influenced by the neurotic mother, may feel she/he has to show allegiance.
Obviously, I'm not a psychologist......and, I only have your version of the situation. IMHO, your daughter struggles to be independent of her mother, but it's very difficult b/c she doesn't want Mother to think she is choosing sides with you. Your daughter is very angry at the divorce, at her parents, etc. Seeing you with a GF may feel more threatening for your daughter. You were the head, the protector, and you left. Add that to all the negative things her mother may have said about you, and it makes sense that your teenage daughter would feel more threatened, and angered, by the parent who left the home (losing a sense of her stability) and who is, possibly, bringing a new woman into his new place. Although you have tried to convince your children that you will always be in their lives, I think your teenager is dealing with a lot of internal emotions. She is approaching womanhood, and it could be frightening to know just how much her mother (plus this entire experience) is molding your daughter's opinion about men & about marriage in general. That's a lot to consider, but don't give up on your daughter. She needs her father, even if her words and behavior says otherwise.
I believe most children with newly divorced parents, go through what I call "The Parent Trap" phase. You remember the movie, where the twins try to get their divorced parents back together? Although you may not see any signs on the surface, I think the kids go through an emotional period where they have such high hopes of their parents reconciling, that any type of interference causes anxiety, anger, and fear. It seem obvious, to me, that your teenage daughter sees a GF as an interference that would prevent you from moving back into the family home. Why would she not have the same reaction to her mother's BF? IDK, unless it's b/c she doesn't recognize her mother being the one who physically abandoned the home. Also, some girls just have that jealousy about their dad. It's okay if it's mom, but just let dad introduce a GF, and the daughter feels threatened that dad will love this woman (put her first in his life) more than he loves his daughter.
How old is your GF? You've said she is immature, and I suspect her immaturity will rear its head the highest whenever she feels she is not number one in your life. If both of you had no children from a previous relationship......then, of course, she should expect nothing less than being number one. However, this girl is already telling you that she has to come first, over your children. There was something else I had read about her that I saw as big red flag, but I can't remember at the moment. Anyway, I hope you will take more time before taking the step to live with her. I get the impression that she is lot younger and sexier, which doesn't hurt the old bruised ego, does it? You wouldn't be the first man who was persuaded by a young sexy thing to cloud your judgement. I really think it could hurt your relationship with your teenage daughter. I, also, believe it is difficult for a daughter to accept a new GF who isn't, at the very least,
more than a decade older than her.
As some others have said, you are too emotionally attached to your ex. I'm not saying you are in love with your ex. You are not detached, b/c her words and actions upset you too much to be detached. The competition over the kids, and spirit of an one-up must stop. You've got to detach emotionally from her actions. Having a young sexy GF is not a working vehicle in finding detachment from your ex. It may be a short lived distraction, or a salve, but it's not likely to suit a long term relationship. You will, however, open the door for more complications in your life, by having an immature GF.
I remember something you said when responding to a question about why you would want to go back to your ex (or something along that line). You, actually, did not say anything about her, but you spoke about missing the environment of a "family", and you really talked more passionately about your attachment to the house, and all the hard work you put into the building. To me, that speaks volumes. I'm not saying it's wrong. I think you were devoted to your family, but your neurotic W became too much for you. I don't know that you stilled love her, but you loved the idea of a family. I would hate to see you fall into another relationship where you are seeking to fill that same longing, without you and the woman being seriously in love and stable enough to undertake the challenges families present.
((hugs))
My d has been I therapy since she was 3. Because she had severe separation anxiety
Wolf, c'mon man. Therapy for 9 years? This should prove to you that 1 hour a week will never replace a positive environment with strong, smart parents. I hope you are going to make that environment.
When my d met my GF she cried that she had to meet her.
I can see why. Her parents have been divorced all of 2 seconds, they both are still somewhat attached, she knows her dad wanted to save this and here come your "girlfriend" who you started dating before you were divorced right? I bet your daughter blames this woman and you, at least partially, for the divorce. Now we know there was a lot more to it but how can she consider that when this big deal is right in her face?
My ex would yell at her to get over it and to cut the $hit.
I'm not there, so I don't know, but maybe your ex is right...there's so many people claiming anxiety today and counseling and mental health is in vogue right now. Kids are always looking for excuses and exceptions and it's mostly just whiny kids. I'm reading a family tree book with stories over a 100 years old and the things they expected out of children back then blows my mind. Now we let kids be kids well into their 20's. If your daughter grew up on a farm she wouldn't have time to worry about anxiety, she'd be too busy working.
I slept on her floor for a week until she got better.
I can't begin to understand the purpose of this.
I hope all of this makes sense.
It doesn't. I think you are overanalyzing everything.
I would just hope that she would treat us equally. Nasty to both or nice to both. It just hurts that I was always there for my d but now she is making me out to be the “bad” guy. I just hurts so much how I tried to always be this loving, caring parent.
She's 12. Adults don't treat everyone equally either, so what? This whole thing reeks of victimhood and not responsibility. Just be a good dad. You don't have to handle her with velvet gloves either, just be smart, strong, responsible, hardworking.
Wolfman,
I can tell you are still hurting over all of this crap. I think you need to work on letting it go. Stop letting things bother you. Be more detached with your ex-W, with your kids, with your gf. You are trying so hard to improve in all of these areas. I think you could benefit from a big, deep breath (figuratively and literally). Stop playing into your ex's arguments, there's not benefit to you. Do the right thing even when it's hard (it will never be the easier option). If you aren't in a spot where you're ready for a gf, then make that choice. I know you want her, I'm sure it's nice having someone who cares about you. Make sure you are putting yourself first when it comes to this relationship.
When it comes to parenting, I think you need some old fashioned advice. You know what it is. You may think it doesn't matter for you. Your choice. Good luck, Wolfman.
W,
I completely understand what you are saying and I feel your pain. You listen to all the advice her and implement it perfectly. You’re a fantastic dad who listens and understands that this is a really difficult time and strangers may even make it more difficult. It’s not your fault your ex is a horrible person and is to blame for everything. She even made you go out and get a gf who competes with your children for your attention. This is all her fault and I am so sorry you are involved in this mess.
Lol That was very impressive. I wish I could validate as good as you did. It’s a work in progress, but not at your level yet.
...her she fires back with hostility....
When she does this, how do you respond?
I respond by trying to validate her feelings. But if it becomes disrespectful I will not let her speak to me that way. So it depends on the text. I don’t validate as good as some of you but I am getting better.
Overr you are right I tried to save this marriage for a long time. I was using another program for a while I’m going to scramble his name but some of you heard of him (fort Martel) about giving, touch charges, talk charges, I did it for 5 months trying so hard. I was doing everything she complained I didn’t. I even went above and beyond putting rose petals on the bed. Buying roses. Giving her little gifts. It did nothing. Then I came here. Granted I wasn’t the best student. But I was willing to try. My d didn’t know about my GF until 2 months ago. 16 months after we separated. My d does not act like that around my ex and her BF. It’s just me.
Also the whole thing about sleeping on the floor. My d was having bad anxiety and she asked me to stay with her, so I did. I was trying to show my d I love her very much and would do anything for her. It never mattered. They only remember the few mistakes I made and run with that.
You also mentioned about detaching more from everyone and not try to work on everything. That’s who I am. I try to fix things and make everything better. I am trying to be the best parent possible. I am being calm now and loving. I want nothing but the best for my kids. But I also want some happiness for myself. I sacrificed a lot for the sake to make everyone happy, the ex and the kids. Against the advice of the board. I am so sorry I did not listen to a lot of you about taking the MBR back. I am so sorry that I just rolled over and gave her what she wanted. She had gaslighted next so much she had me believe I was this horrible vindictive person. And any time I did not agree she would say those words and I would quickly back down. I am very disappointed in myself. Maybe things would have been different or maybe not, but I would of had more self respect for myself. I was emotionally so strong until the BD. I wanted so bad to save my family, so bad, that I was willing to do anything to prove it, and in the end I just lost my respect. So now yes, I am doing things that make me happy and without hurting my children. Will there be things that might be hard for them to handle ( like me having a GF) yes!!! I know my ex is never coming back. And I am fine with that. I want to start the next chapter in my life.
Sandi I will address you’re post next. A lot to address there.
Lol That was very impressive. I wish I could validate as good as you did. It’s a work in progress, but not at your level yet.
OMG, I may have just broken my nose with that face palm. I’m pretty sure that was not validation from LH19, it was actually sarcasm. Did I pick up on that correctly LH?
Actually Don I was trying to validate he’s feelings but as it often does with a WW it came out as sarcasm. Or vice versa.
Lol That was very impressive. I wish I could validate as good as you did. It’s a work in progress, but not at your level yet.
OMG, I may have just broken my nose with that face palm. I’m pretty sure that was not validation from LH19, it was actually sarcasm. Did I pick up on that correctly LH?
Lol I know it was sarcasm. I’m just saying how good that was and I can see how that makes a difference. Nice job LH.
My d has been I therapy since she was 3. Because she had severe separation anxiety. Anytime my ex would leave her she would cry and throw tantrums.
One of my children went through a period much like you described. It started after I went back to work. Every time I got out of her sight, she would panic. I felt responsible, b/c someone told me to slip out when they (the babysitter, my SIL) got the child busy playing. I think that was a mistake, b/c it got where I couldn't walk out of the room without her getting anxious. Eventually, my grandparents started keeping her while I was working, and the problems went away. Apparently, things were more severe with your child.
IMHO, your ex should have been the one in therapy, instead of your three year old child. Based on the things you have described, there is something there that is unhealthy in that relationship between your ex and her first born. When a negative minded (or some type of mental illness) mother is constantly talking in the ear of her daughter, I think there could be repercussions.
My son is not like that at all.
My guess is your ex's relationship with the son is not the same as with the daughter.
The point is I was always there for my d in a very loving way. My ex and her would always battle. But once this happened, my d quickly sided with her. Both therapists said because my d is afraid my ex with cut her off too. (My ex has cut out endlesss amounts of friends and family, she doesn’t talk to anyone in her family except her parents, that’s because that constantly give her money, or else she would have cut them off too. As a matter of fact she barely spoke to her parents for 2 years before our separation because she had so many problems with her parents and brother. But once this happened she went crying to them for money.) That they latch on to the abuser for fear of rejection. And that I am the safe one and she knows I would never do that too her. I hope all of this makes sense.
It makes perfect sense to me. The mother and daughter do not
have to get along, but the mother's neurotic influence is extremely strong. When the mother cuts someone off, or when she is agitated with the H, she communicates the negative one-sided perspective to the daughter she holds so tightly. The mother's unhealthy mental condition will probably have affect on the daughter. That's not to say the daughter has no hope in living a fairly, normal, happy life. I'm just suggesting that she will struggle to break free of her mother's unhealthy influence over her (the daughter) own thoughts, emotions, and actions. Having a healthy minded father is certainly a plus in the daughter's life.
The view of the family dynamic appears extremely unfair for the father who is trying to show the natural loving side of a parent. Not only can the neuroticism in the mother cause inadequate parenting practices, but it creates a very stressful family environment. The neurotic mother may appear to "do no wrong" in the eyes of the children, while the more healthy father feels that his parenting downs in the powerful negative parenting style of the mother. When the parents don't get along, the child who is heavily influenced by the neurotic mother, may feel she/he has to show allegiance.
Obviously, I'm not a psychologist......and, I only have your version of the situation. IMHO, your daughter struggles to be independent of her mother, but it's very difficult b/c she doesn't want Mother to think she is choosing sides with you. Your daughter is very angry at the divorce, at her parents, etc. Seeing you with a GF may feel more threatening for your daughter. You were the head, the protector, and you left. Add that to all the negative things her mother may have said about you, and it makes sense that your teenage daughter would feel more threatened, and angered, by the parent who left the home (losing a sense of her stability) and who is, possibly, bringing a new woman into his new place. Although you have tried to convince your children that you will always be in their lives, I think your teenager is dealing with a lot of internal emotions. She is approaching womanhood, and it could be frightening to know just how much her mother (plus this entire experience) is molding your daughter's opinion about men & about marriage in general. That's a lot to consider, but don't give up on your daughter. She needs her father, even if her words and behavior says otherwise.
I believe most children with newly divorced parents, go through what I call "The Parent Trap" phase. You remember the movie, where the twins try to get their divorced parents back together? Although you may not see any signs on the surface, I think the kids go through an emotional period where they have such high hopes of their parents reconciling, that any type of interference causes anxiety, anger, and fear. It seem obvious, to me, that your teenage daughter sees a GF as an interference that would prevent you from moving back into the family home. Why would she not have the same reaction to her mother's BF? IDK, unless it's b/c she doesn't recognize her mother being the one who physically abandoned the home. Also, some girls just have that jealousy about their dad. It's okay if it's mom, but just let dad introduce a GF, and the daughter feels threatened that dad will love this woman (put her first in his life) more than he loves his daughter.
How old is your GF? You've said she is immature, and I suspect her immaturity will rear its head the highest whenever she feels she is not number one in your life. If both of you had no children from a previous relationship......then, of course, she should expect nothing less than being number one. However, this girl is already telling you that she has to come first, over your children. There was something else I had read about her that I saw as big red flag, but I can't remember at the moment. Anyway, I hope you will take more time before taking the step to live with her. I get the impression that she is lot younger and sexier, which doesn't hurt the old bruised ego, does it? You wouldn't be the first man who was persuaded by a young sexy thing to cloud your judgement. I really think it could hurt your relationship with your teenage daughter. I, also, believe it is difficult for a daughter to accept a new GF who isn't, at the very least,
more than a decade older than her.
As some others have said, you are too emotionally attached to your ex. I'm not saying you are in love with your ex. You are not detached, b/c her words and actions upset you too much to be detached. The competition over the kids, and spirit of an one-up must stop. You've got to detach emotionally from her actions. Having a young sexy GF is not a working vehicle in finding detachment from your ex. It may be a short lived distraction, or a salve, but it's not likely to suit a long term relationship. You will, however, open the door for more complications in your life, by having an immature GF.
I remember something you said when responding to a question about why you would want to go back to your ex (or something along that line). You, actually, did not say anything about her, but you spoke about missing the environment of a "family", and you really talked more passionately about your attachment to the house, and all the hard work you put into the building. To me, that speaks volumes. I'm not saying it's wrong. I think you were devoted to your family, but your neurotic W became too much for you. I don't know that you stilled love her, but you loved the idea of a family. I would hate to see you fall into another relationship where you are seeking to fill that same longing, without you and the woman being seriously in love and stable enough to undertake the challenges families present.
((hugs))
My ex did a lot of damage to my d. My d is in 7th grade and won’t sleep at a friends house because she doesn’t want to leave her mom. She won’t watch most movies because she is afraid of them. Example the Avengers. She is afraid of Getting sick. She washes her hands 10 times a day, all before this corona virus thing.
There were periods of times my ex suffered from depression and anxiety. I tried to speak to her to go to a therapist and she would refuse. I tried talking to her maybe going on meds for a while she refused. She is also a hypercondriac, since the day we got married she always thought she had a major illness. When I would finally convince her to go to a doctor and they found nothing, a couple of months later it would be a new sickness or disease. And that was “passed” on to my d. She always thinks there is something wrong with her. Had to take her to doctors to show her there was nothing wrong with her. My d completely mimicks my ex.
Sandi you mentioned about me having a healthy minded father is important for my d. But if my ex is “poisoning” her my d won’t see that. She only “sees” what the ex wants her to see. My ex loves the allegiance they have against me. It’s funny because they are trying to turn my son, but for 9 I feel like he sees through the bs.
All I know is I really don’t want my ex anymore. Do I miss the family dynamic, more than you can imagine. But I am finally starting to realize my family dynamic will be different and that is ok. I did not want to give up the “traditional” family , but it was coming at a cost. That cost was enduring some real hurtful things from my ex. For years it was me catering to her needs and helping her with everything. Now I am going to focus on me and my children. The ex no longer matters. Honestly I feel at peace for the first time in 18 months that we are not together. I know I am certainly not perfect but I am a good man and a father. I deserve to be loved the way I love someone. And my ex has lost all privileges. I feel so bad for my kids that they have to go through this. But I know I tried and tried and tried. And it cost me my health for a long time.
For all you newbies read this. For a long time I thought of suicide. I just wanted the pain to stop. It was unbearable, it followed me everywhere. I kept thinking my life will never get better. And I felt so sorry for myself. But like everyone says here you have to go through the pain to come out a stronger person. I felt worthless, like no one would care about me or love me. Even though I have a GF, I had to love myself. No one can love me more than me. Don’t let “these” people take your confidence, your worth, or how you felt before BD. There is a life out there, there is a bright future for you. It will not seem that way. And it may not seem that way for a long time, but that’s ok. You will be better, you will be stronger. Trust me I know, I cried for almost 16 months. But just like a broken leg. It won’t heal over night, it won’t heal in a weak. So don’t expect your “heart “ to heal any faster. This board is an amazing place and I want all of you to know. You saved this mans life many times!!! LITERALLY. Thank you for this board. For you newbies stay the course, just like the broken leg, it takes time, a lot of time!!! I hope this helps anyone who is really hurting.
Thank you to so many!!!!
How did your wife do that to your daughter? How is she responsible for your daughters anxiety and OCD? Those are real mental illness that should be addressed as such.
You just love to place blame somewhere
W,
I’m really sorry you had to go through this and be the only victim in the process. I certainly hope one day your ex will realize this was all her fault and how she turned your children against you. Since you did nothing wrong it was probably best to jump straight into a new relationship without any self reflection.
Validation or sarcasm?
This could be a new game show lol. With your host LH19 lol.
Wolfman....I think one thing you may want to look at out of all of this is why are you still so attached to this woman? Maybe you need to work some more on trying detach your emotions to the things she says and does.
As a father that just came through a rough patch with his own D, I feel your pain. As others have suggested, there are forces here that are beyond your control (OCD, depression, anxiety, and a less than ideal ex). Focus on what you can control. (Hint: It is you!)
How did your wife do that to your daughter? How is she responsible for your daughters anxiety and OCD? Those are real mental illness that should be addressed as such.
You just love to place blame somewhere
I was just giving some background on my d. I am not trying to place blame. Although it seems that way. My d anxiety was being addressed by a therapist. She it seemed she was better she would stop going. She would stop because the therapist would say she did not need to go. But then months even a year would go by before her anxiety came back. Look my ex is not to blame solely. I use to yell at my kids. When I yelled it was very intimidating. I know that was a huge mistake on my problem. I went to IC and worked on that. That now I barely raise my voice. When I do, my kids know I am getting mad because they will say why am I raising my voice. I did smack them a couple of times on the butt when they absolutely refused to listen. Again, something that I haven’t done in many years and realized I should not have done that. I was smacked when I was a kid when I misbehaved. In 20 years together I walked out 5 times because I would get so angry in an argument. Again, ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT!! Again me contributing to the problem as well. I know that now, man I was an idiot. Ginger I know I was not perfect AT ALL!! But I realize my mistakes and what I need to do to be a better person and better dad. And will Never make those mistakes again. Therapy helped.
W,
I’m really sorry you had to go through this and be the only victim in the process. I certainly hope one day your ex will realize this was all her fault and how she turned your children against you. Since you did nothing wrong it was probably best to jump straight into a new relationship without any self reflection.
Validation or sarcasm?
This could be a new game show lol. With your host LH19 lol.
Sarcasm!! Lol
Look I’m sorry it comes across that way. The victim here is my children. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better. LH I do hope that my ex does one day realize how she contributed to the divorce. I realized after reading 5LL that I wasn’t speaking her love language. I just needed to give her more time and REALLY listen to her when she had complaints about life. I blew her off a lot. Again, you all have really opened my eyes to my mistakes, my IC AND reading has really helped. I don’t want to repeat the past. I am reflecting all the time. I understand my mistakes more and more. I want to keep improving on myself.
LH AND GINGER I appreciate the 2x4s. I have work to do. And I will continue to keep improving.
Wolfman....I think one thing you may want to look at out of all of this is why are you still so attached to this woman? Maybe you need to work some more on trying detach your emotions to the things she says and does.
As a father that just came through a rough patch with his own D, I feel your pain. As others have suggested, there are forces here that are beyond your control (OCD, depression, anxiety, and a less than ideal ex). Focus on what you can control. (Hint: It is you!)
I am focusing on myself. I am working hard to detach that last bit of me that is attached to her. I will keep working on not letting her emotions or words affect me. Steve can you elaborate on your d and the difficulties. I want to learn how to be an awesome dad!!! What works and what doesn’t.
Hey Wolf,
First off, I don't necessarily agree with some of the things you have done or said thus far. But I certainly understand how we can make poor decisions when faced with one of the most emotional times in our lives.
That being said, I'm disappointed in some of the responses you have received from our fellow DBers.
LH - I'm assuming you are a perfect person and have all the answers. I'm curious because you just love to be sarcastic and publicly shame Wolf. Isn't this supposed to a forum for people to heal and support each other? If all you do is point and make fun of how Wolf is failing and doing things differently than you would, why do you even post on his thread? You come across as a bully, LH. Not cool.
Thornton,
I’m sorry you were offended by my posts to wolf. If you followed wolfs thread for the last year you would understand I’ve been trying to help him. I was using humor to try to get him to open his eyes and actually look at what he writing and where he’s trying to place the blame.
So in your eyes I should just support and agree with everything wolf says? Sorry that’s not my style. It’s interesting that wolf got a chuckle out of it but it offended you.
As for me being perfect. Not even close. I’m a work in progress and will remain that way for the rest of my life.
LH,
I've seen your advice to Wolf, and I agree with a lot that you had to say. But because Wolf hasn't followed your advice, that does not give you the green light to ridicule him. You even called him a narcissist. If you believe that, why are you even posting on his thread.
Since when has sarcasm been appropriate? I think it's safe to assume that you don't talk to your wife like that when you don't agree with her. That's bush league dude.
And no, I never said that you should agree with everything Wolf says or does. In fact, if you read my message above, I said I didn't agree with a lot of things he does/says.
And I'm glad you realize will always be a work in progress because there are some things you can work on. You should start with an apology to Wolf. And if you disagree or can't do that, perhaps you are the one that needs to take a hard look in the mirror.
Considering that you have been here for 3 years and have 4,000 posts under your belt, I guess I would expect more from you someone like you. Show some class.
Dude what is your problem? He laughed about it.
Look I’m not a psychologist but I have had a narcissist as a father for 51 years so I know the signs.
I’ve already told you I keep posting because I’m trying to help him.
If wolf tells me he was offended I will apologize to him. Not because you told me to.
I did use sarcasm a lot with my EX wife so that might be why I’m divorced right now.
My ex did a lot of damage to my d. My d is in 7th grade and won’t sleep at a friends house because she doesn’t want to leave her mom.
Wolf I'm really not trying to beat you up over this, but I do think it's an important issue because you may be the one inadvertently poisoning your children and their relationship with their mom. And that could very well backfire on you. What you know in this example- your D doesn't like sleepovers. What you don't know- it's all your XW's fault.
I've raised two girls to adulthood and let me tell you, the 10-15 age range for girls in particular will really test your parenting abilities. They say strange things. They do strange things. My XW and I both read a book at the time called "Yes your Teen is Crazy!" which delves into the subject of the chemical changes taking place in their bodies and how it affects their judgment and thought processes and makes them do irrational, out of character things. Sometimes no one is to blame, not even them. Years later they will talk about certain events and how they don't have a clue why they said/ did them. It's part of going through that phase. You have to be understanding and loving, not blaming.
I think it is very unhealthy for you (and for your D) for you to constantly blame XW for D's behavior. Even if you know something is because of your XW, set aside the blame, it serves no purpose at all. Maybe you just post those things here and it doesn't affect your real-life relationships with them, but I have a feeling they're reading your attitude about XW like a book. Anger, hatred, jealousy. That's probably what they sense (it is what I sense in your posts).
She won’t watch most movies because she is afraid of them. Example the Avengers. She is afraid of Getting sick. She washes her hands 10 times a day, all before this corona virus thing.
I hope you would agree that these are not things worth worrying about.
There were periods of times my ex suffered from depression and anxiety. I tried to speak to her to go to a therapist and she would refuse. I tried talking to her maybe going on meds for a while she refused.
Whether or not she should be on meds is for a mental health professional to determine. You should never, ever make a suggestion like that to someone, I mean you might as well tell them "You are crazy and should be on medication." It's very rude and insensitive. Words like that can drive people away from you.
She is also a hypercondriac, since the day we got married she always thought she had a major illness. When I would finally convince her to go to a doctor and they found nothing, a couple of months later it would be a new sickness or disease. And that was “passed” on to my d. She always thinks there is something wrong with her. Had to take her to doctors to show her there was nothing wrong with her. My d completely mimicks my ex.
OK so let's just say the above paragraph is true. How do you know this is your XW "poisoning" your D rather than it being something she inherited. People are not "trained" to have hypochondria, it's a mental disorder (somatic symptom disorder). So if your XW has it, then your D may have inherited it from your XW. Point being, even if both of them have it then that doesn't mean your XW is to blame for it. Honestly it doesn't sound to me like either of them have it. People who actually suffer from the disorder are constantly in and out of doctor's offices and hospitals. What you are describing sounds more like mild paranoia than actual hypochondria. But again that is for a mental health professional to determine. If you think your D has it then ask her IC to investigate it with her.
But if my ex is “poisoning” her my d won’t see that. She only “sees” what the ex wants her to see.
I'm not convinced your XW is intentionally "poisoning" D. I think maybe you want really bad to see something that may not be there so you can be the good guy and paint her as the villain.
All I know is I really don’t want my ex anymore.
Michele says in DR that when it comes to a marriage with kids, there's no such thing as divorce. The two of you are forever intertwined. I've seen cases where the exes maintained a cordial relationship and I've seen cases where it was complete War of the Roses. The former is far better for the children. Just something to consider.
I'm just saying that if you know sarcasm doesn't work in eliciting positive change in people, maybe you should remove that from your repertoire. If it did work, millions of therapists around the world would poke fun at their patients and laugh at their poor decisions in an effort to help them.
And if you are so frustrated with Wolf that you can only resort to sarcasm, maybe you need to detach and let Wolf find his own way without you.
LH,
I've seen your advice to Wolf, and I agree with a lot that you had to say. But because Wolf hasn't followed your advice, that does not give you the green light to ridicule him. You even called him a narcissist. If you believe that, why are you even posting on his thread.
Since when has sarcasm been appropriate? I think it's safe to assume that you don't talk to your wife like that when you don't agree with her. That's bush league dude.
And no, I never said that you should agree with everything Wolf says or does. In fact, if you read my message above, I said I didn't agree with a lot of things he does/says.
And I'm glad you realize will always be a work in progress because there are some things you can work on. You should start with an apology to Wolf. And if you disagree or can't do that, perhaps you are the one that needs to take a hard look in the mirror.
Considering that you have been here for 3 years and have 4,000 posts under your belt, I guess I would expect more from you someone like you. Show some class.
Thornton thank you for sticking up for me. I really do appreciate it. I do stink at DB and can definitely do a better job. I know this is hard for everyone who gets to this point. I definitely flailed a lot, maybe more than most. At times LH’s comments have been a little harsh. And at times it does bother me. But I also don’t mind the truth no matter how hard it is to hear. Yes, the comment about me being a narcissist was hurtful. Again, I made plenty of mistakes but I always wanted to keep the family intact. I would of sacrificed my happiness for it too. I know a lot of you would not agree with that, but for my kids to have a stable family, I would have.
Dude what is your problem? He laughed about it.
Look I’m not a psychologist but I have had a narcissist as a father for 51 years so I know the signs.
I’ve already told you I keep posting because I’m trying to help him.
You said it there. You are not a psychologist and just because your dad might have been one doesn’t make you an expert in that area, so calling me a narcissist was offensive. But most of the time I do appreciate how you put it to me straight. I need that “tough love” at times. I know I have made so many mistakes and screwed so many things up. I just could not handle divorce like some of you here. I also know now I made many mistakes in my marriage and this board has taught me a lot. Mistakes that I will not make again or at least be more aware of how I speak and my actions. I wish I would have been a DB pro, but honestly I don’t know if it would of helped. My ex is so deep in a MLC I don’t think it would have helped. Please don’t stop posting but I would appreciate no more name calling.
ANOTHER STANDER, I read through everything you wrote. A lot of times I come on here and talk about my ex is to give you all background info. Not necessarily to blame for anything but to let you all know what’s going on.
As far as me asking her if she wanted to go on meds, I was only suggesting for a little while. She was going through depression and I was telling her to maybe take them to take the edge off. I did t know what else to suggest at the time. I realize now I should have just been there for her more. Right by her side and just trying to talk to her more. She refused any advice I would give. And now being here, I shouldn’t have given advice I should have just loved her more and been more supportive. My ex may not be “poisoning “ my d directly(saying this directly to her) but she makes sure to say it in ear shot. And she knows she is listening and will absorb the info.
Honestly I am so tired and I guess still in a little shock this is how my life turned out. But I am moving forward. I am very happy with GF. We have a great relationship. It truly doesn’t bother me that ex has moved on. I just have to work on that relationship with my d. Another Stander do you think I should read that book about teens? I need help there and want to be proactive.
Wow this post was emotionally draining.
W,
You are right I am not a psychologist and I should have not called you a narcissist. I should have said you have many narcissistic characteristics and you should talk to a psychologist about them. I apologize.
Listening, validating and being the rock are the keys to your daughter’s heart.
Onwards and upwards my friend!
As far as me asking her if she wanted to go on meds, I was only suggesting for a little while. She was going through depression and I was telling her to maybe take them to take the edge off. I did t know what else to suggest at the time.
I know you were just trying to help. Your heart was in the right place. I'm just trying to say that from her perspective it probably looked like you were calling her "crazy". After BD my XW told me two or three times that I needed help and needed to be in therapy. The same week my daughter told me the same thing (both said it in anger). Whatever their reasons were for saying this, it felt like a personal attack and all it did was make me defensive and put my walls up even higher.
I realize now I should have just been there for her more. Right by her side and just trying to talk to her more. She refused any advice I would give. And now being here, I shouldn’t have given advice I should have just loved her more and been more supportive.
Yes, exactly! Most of us guys are fix-it types. The world is full of nails and we're holding golden hammers. But sometimes women don't want us fixing their problems, they just want us to listen and support and validate. If you had done that then she may have very well come to the conclusion that she needed help on her own. Obviously we can't change the past but we can learn from it.
Honestly I am so tired and I guess still in a little shock this is how my life turned out. But I am moving forward. I am very happy with GF. We have a great relationship. It truly doesn’t bother me that ex has moved on. I just have to work on that relationship with my d.
It's been around 8 years for me. It took about 2 years before I could look back without being really upset. And what I see in looking back just doesn't make sense. It may not have been a perfect marriage but it was really, really good. It was mutually beneficial. We did things together, we did things separate. It was a very stable, healthy home for us and for our kids. So yeah, I'm not sure I'll ever get over the shock and you may not either. That's not to say you won't get past the pain though, you will. And you'll find happiness again for sure.
Another Stander do you think I should read that book about teens? I need help there and want to be proactive.
I definitely recommend it. It helped with all 3 of my kids. I might have made it sound like it excuses their behavior, but that's not it, it just explains their behavior and also delves into how to address it as a parent in a loving but firm manner.
Hey Wolf,
look at it this way. You're a good guy, genuinely. You have a good foundation in many ways, and plenty of areas to improve on. I think it's natural for humans to see other humans as the source of their problems. On the other hand, maybe you should not be so quick to blame others. At this point in your sitch, maybe you should consider "loving your wife from afar". Don't argue and fight and carry on. Just do the right thing, always. Y
You played football right? Me too, and I coached high school for 6 years. Blocking and tackling are the fundamentals, hustle between drills, always do the right thing - not the easy thing. Discipline, commitment, hard work...remember 2 a days? Remember how we always said football teaches life lessons? Well we forget to use them! We get too cute, too caught up in the wrong things. Positive mental attitude (PMA) is something I used to preach and live. I'm doing it again now.
Thornton, thank you for speaking your mind. It was well put. I'm not mad at you LH19, but your message can be lost sometimes as a result of your communication style. I think you're here to help, why else would you still be here contributing and helping out all the newcomers?
Point taken OB. Maybe I crossed the line with Wolf. I know my communication style isn’t for everyone. I just feel blowing sunshine up someone’s a$$ who has a victims mentality does a disservice to him and his children. I will be more conscientious in the future.
We all have different communication styles. Words are abstract concepts and have different meanings to each of us. I like to focus on the intent. It is even harder on these forum than in person.
As a man, I am almost always in fix it mode. As a group of men supporting each other, I believe we are collectively trying to help each other change and grow.
Hey everyone. I just received this text from my ex. When does she ever stop poking at me. Is this normal? Did your exw do this to you guys? Here’s what she text me:
I know you completely ignored me when I asked you to please have our kids be diligent about washing their hands and for you to be aware of who they are spending time with... I’m going to ask you again to please be very diligent. This is not a joke and it has zero to do with me and all to do with the safety and well being of our children! Son gets sick very easily and precautions need to be taken...you constantly say how much you love them then remember that the only important thing here is THEM and nothing or anyone else!!!
How do I respond to this or do I not respond?
I will respond to your previous comments. First time I had time to get on here.
Hey Wolf,
You played football right? Me too, and I coached high school for 6 years. Blocking and tackling are the fundamentals, hustle between drills, always do the right thing - not the easy thing. Discipline, commitment, hard work...remember 2 a days? Remember how we always said football teaches life lessons? Well we forget to use them! We get too cute, too caught up in the wrong things. Positive mental attitude (PMA) is something I used to preach and live. I'm doing it again now.
I did play football, in college and semipro. That was one of the things football taught me, never quit. And I didnt for a long time. It was hard for me to let go of my dream of being a pro. So I guess you can say the same about my marriage. I believe football taught me you WILL get knocked down but I continued to get up. Even though I was hurting I would keep going because we always preached football was a family and you don’t give up on the guy next to you. I felt the same about my family don’t give up on them. But unfortunately it got to a point where it was out of my hands and I had to let go.
Point taken OB. Maybe I crossed the line with Wolf. I know my communication style isn’t for everyone. I just feel blowing sunshine up someone’s a$$ who has a victims mentality does a disservice to him and his children. I will be more conscientious in the future.
Please don’t blow sunshine up my butt. I don’t want that. I just didn’t need the insult. LH I read a lot of your link and you are an emotionally strong guy who seemed to move on “fairly quickly” or at least it seemed you handled it fairly well. I am not like that. I know I made tons of mistakes it doesn’t mean I’m not listening. I just struggled with a lot. People heal and move on at different rates. If we both broke our leg I bet we wouldn’t heal at the same time. I also bet that it’s possible one of us might not heal 100%. I just ask for patience and not to quit on me. As far as telling me things bluntly, that’s fine. Just not the name calling.
As a group of men supporting each other, I believe we are collectively trying to help each other change and grow.
This right here. I don’t feel like I can talk to any of my buddies. One they are all married with kids and are so busy. Two they don’t get the pain one truly feels going through this. Here we are in the same boat and understand the pain and how to deal. This place has been amazing. Some days I come here just to read others people situation and read the advice the vets give. There needs to be more support groups for men. I think a lot of people just think we are men and can deal with this and just move on, and why not, we are men. We are the “tough” ones. But like I said my friends don’t understand the hurt of divorce. Especially when we don’t want it.
Hey everyone. I just received this text from my ex. When does she ever stop poking at me. Is this normal? Did your exw do this to you guys?
Oh yes indeed, I got so many messages like that after S and D. It's aggravating but I usually replied with something like "thank you for the reminder" and then let it go. XW doesn't ever send stuff like that anymore. Maybe she was trying to get a rise out of me, possibly to remind herself why she should "hate" me? No telling. But take the moral high road and it'll diffuse things before they get ugly!
Hey everyone. I just received this text from my ex. When does she ever stop poking at me. Is this normal? Did your exw do this to you guys? Here’s what she text me:
I know you completely ignored me when I asked you to please have our kids be diligent about washing their hands and for you to be aware of who they are spending time with... I’m going to ask you again to please be very diligent. This is not a joke and it has zero to do with me and all to do with the safety and well being of our children! Son gets sick very easily and precautions need to be taken...you constantly say how much you love them then remember that the only important thing here is THEM and nothing or anyone else!!!
How do I respond to this or do I not respond?
I will respond to your previous comments. First time I had time to get on here.
Text is informational. IE there is no need to respond.
Is this normal? Did your exw do this to you guys?
Yes, my X could have written this.
Here’s what she text me:
I know you completely ignored me when I asked you to please have our kids be diligent about washing their hands and for you to be aware of who they are spending time with... I’m going to ask you again to please be very diligent. This is not a joke and it has zero to do with me and all to do with the safety and well being of our children! Son gets sick very easily and precautions need to be taken...you constantly say how much you love them then remember that the only important thing here is THEM and nothing or anyone else!!!
How do I respond to this or do I not respond?
I always ignore statements like the one I crossed out. they do not warrant a response.
I wait to respond.
H:"W, thank you for sharing your concerns. I have been following the C virus issue closely and I am concerned as well.
I will clarify good hygiene practices with the children. regards, Father"
When does she ever stop poking at me.
These are the words my X used when I was focused on getting my kids into therapy:
"I still think they would benefit more from having parents that love and support them."
That was about the last dig on me from her. By that point, I was not taking the bait anymore. That was 5 years after D. That statement was made about 5 years ago.
Be patient. Don't take the bait.
Wolf. I'm home with S2 on this gorgeous day, was sick over weekend with XW vommitting and diarrhea. I got the same crap from XW today as well and had to straighten her out. Understand the fears most parents and mothers have with this Corona Virus going around is real though. I know it sounds like nagging. Just understand they are fearful.
You re a better man than I am Wolf... I just don't GAF and let it fly now. Ill put up my text exchange in my post Wolf if you want some amusement and humor.
Haven’t posted in a little while on my thread. I hope everyone is safe and healthy!!!
I am disappointed in myself, I backslid on DB principles. I kinda got blindsided. My ex called me and my first mistake was I picked up the phone. She started off with what time I was picking up the kids. Then went into that I don’t care about her and the kids. That I haven’t texted her to see if she is ok and if the kids are ok. To check to see if they have food and water. That I don’t care about them. I told her I have been texting both kids everyday (the days I don’t have them) to see how they are and if they are ok. She said no I haven’t. I should of just got off the phone tight then and there. But I responded I have absolutely been texting the kids. She said it shows what kind of person I am but not checking up on them. That her own dad calls her a couple of times a day to see how they are. I said I am sorry you feel that way but do you remember we are not married anymore? She said instead of texting her or a soling to see is they are I contacted her that she had to pay the electric bill.
Quick background on that, when I lived there we had balance budgeting, when she took my name off they did a final reading and she owed a lot of money, they tried to automatic deduct it from her checking like they always did but she didn’t have enough money to cover. So I got a notice there was insufficient funds and I got the letter at my new address. I told her a week ago about it, I went to check 2 days ago and she still didn’t pay it. So I text her to remind her to pay that bill.
So she was mad that I only contacted her about the money she owes. And she said I am so selfish that I wanted the kids at my house on the day I am suppose to have them. I said my house is very clean and I am not taking them anywhere. I said why are you so angry? You got everything you wanted, a divorce the home. She cut me off when I said home. She said, Home!!!? I bought you out and a real man would have just left the home to the woman!! Then she started to bring up the past and how bad I was. Blah blah blah. At that point I had, had enough and told her this conversation is over and hung up.
Couple of mistakes on my part: 1. Answering the phone. 2. As soon as she got off the kids should of hung up. 3. I let it go way too long.
What was the point of that? Does she not realize we are not married? I am worried for my kids. I text them all the time to see how they are. I use to text her to see how the kids were. I stopped that a while ago. Our communication is very limited. I have gone dark as much as I could with someone who shares kids. Just a guess I feel like she is realizing she is losing me as her safety net. Or maybe she got into an argument with her BF. I don’t know but there was so much anger in her voice. I am so confused why this happened? We have been very cordial and interactions have been limited. Why now? Why this explosion on me??? Besides my mistakes any insight would be great. Even though she has done this to our family and herself, I honestly feel bad for her. I really don’t think she understood what divorce was going to be. Financial hardship, having to do this on her own, dealing with kids alone, dating. Thanks everyone, hope everyone is well.
W,
It happened because you allowed it to happen. Toxic people love drama and you two feed off one another. My friends parents were like that when they divorced and it really fuched him up. I’m afraid this will also happen to your children. For whatever reason she doesn’t respect you and gets off on emasculating you. You take it from her because you need to still feel connected to her.
You need to put a stop to it for your kids sake.
It happened because you allowed it to happen.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!
That's it right there.
W,
It happened because you allowed it to happen. Toxic people love drama and you two feed off one another. My friends parents were like that when they divorced and it really fuched him up. I’m afraid this will also happen to your children. For whatever reason she doesn’t respect you and gets off on emasculating you. You take it from her because you need to still feel connected to her.
That’s it? She does it to just drive me crazy? What to make herself feel better? I know I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen, but why does she continue? She got what she wanted. I leave her alone now. I’m focusing on my own life.
LH you said we feed off one another. How do I? Anytime I contact her now it’s about the kids. She is the one that will bring something up. Does she do it to reassure herself that she is making the right decision? I just don’t understand her thinking.
Why do you care so much why? Would the why change anything?
The way doesn’t matter. You just need to quit allowing it to happen. When it happens, you excuse yourself from the conversation. That’s it
W,
It drives you crazy because you allow it. You are both addicted to the drama. If you weren’t you wouldn’t answer her calls. Your kids are roughly the same age as mine and I haven’t spoke to my ex on the phone since November. You know why because there is no need for it. My kids have phones and anything logistically we text. I certainly would never let my ex talk to me the way your ex talks to you.
It’s possible that these calls could be to see if you if you finally grew a pair and are ready to stand up to her, but you routinely fail the test. I just hope your kids can overcome this toxic behavior.
My ex called me and my first mistake was I picked up the phone. She started off with what time I was picking up the kids. Then went into that I don’t care about her and the kids. [END THE PHONE CALL RIGHT HERE] That I haven’t texted her to see if she is ok and if the kids are ok. To check to see if they have food and water. That I don’t care about them. I told her I have been texting both kids everyday (the days I don’t have them) to see how they are and if they are ok. She said no I haven’t. I should of just got off the phone tight then and there. But I responded I have absolutely been texting the kids. She said it shows what kind of person I am but not checking up on them. That her own dad calls her a couple of times a day to see how they are. I said I am sorry you feel that way but do you remember we are not married anymore? She said instead of texting her or a soling to see is they are I contacted her that she had to pay the electric bill.
So she was mad that I only contacted her about the money she owes. And she said I am so selfish that I wanted the kids at my house on the day I am suppose to have them. I said my house is very clean and I am not taking them anywhere. I said why are you so angry? You got everything you wanted, a divorce the home. She cut me off when I said home. She said, Home!!!? I bought you out and a real man would have just left the home to the woman!! Then she started to bring up the past and how bad I was. Blah blah blah. At that point I had, had enough and told her this conversation is over and hung up.
Do you see how you are getting sucked in? Why are you even engaging at that point? Stop worrying about defending yourself and let it go -- there is no winning.
It happened because you allowed it to happen.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!
That's it right there.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!
It happened because you allowed it to happen.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!
That's it right there.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!
(ASCII art is fun. Oh! I agree with the point, too.)
Wow ok. Thank you everyone. I get it. I don’t know why I answer the phone. My own stupidity I guess. After we got off the phone she continued to text me and I did not answer a single text. There was no need for it.
W,
It drives you crazy because you allow it. You are both addicted to the drama. If you weren’t you wouldn’t answer her calls. Your kids are roughly the same age as mine and I haven’t spoke to my ex on the phone since November.
That is Great!!! I hate that sometimes I make these mistakes. I have to really stop answer all phone calls from her!!! It’s just not right for me to answer. Talk about your slow learner.
Journaling: With everything going on and being stuck mostly inside, I just really miss my kids. Obviously I still get them on some days, but the days I don’t, I just miss them terribly. I think of all the board games we could play, taking them out for a bike ride. Just playing with them in the yard. This divorce has hit me hard when it comes to my kids!!! I will never understand when I read on here how the husband/wife just walked away from the family. I kinda understand leaving a spouse, but your children??? I hate that my kids have to bounce back and forth. I am trying my best to get my house ready for them, so they feel very comfortable. I never wanted this for my kids. They are suppose to have stability and loving parents. I know we still love them apart but that is not the best for the kids. In my opinion. Today is gloomy and as I look out the window realize the love I have for my children is beyond what anyone could imagine especially my kids. Everytime I see them it’s like seeing them for the first time when they are born. That love, that excitement, that joy. I just needed to write this, it made me feel better.
Wolf, answering the phone isn't stupid. Some people prefer phone communication to text, I usually do. If having a record is important there are a bunch of recording apps. I use them.
I will never understand when I read on here how the husband/wife just walked away from the family. I kinda understand leaving a spouse, but your children???
Everyone knows this is a consequence to the choice to divorce. Some people see it as good, some do not.
I am trying my best to get my house ready for them,
Are you doing a project or what exactly? Just curious.
I am trying my best to get my house ready for them,
Are you doing a project or what exactly? Just curious.
Painting all the rooms. Just ordered new carpet for all the bedrooms. Ordering furniture. Bad time to be ordering all of this stuff. Everything is delayed. Trying to stay safe. Just went for a 30 minute walk and about to do some push ups and sit ups. Ex and I barely talk. It’s better that way. I am remembering what everyone has been saying about getting my respect back and that’s what I have been doing. Ex made a comment through text about me doing the “right”
thing as far as splitting some of the kid costs. I replied don’t speak to me that way. I always split the cost. And ended the text conversation. She definitely did not like that. Gotta run
Hey everyone. It’s been a while. So much has happened in my life. Let me tell you what a ride it’s been the last 2 months. Let’s say, I have been standing up to my ex and it’s been so difficult. She has made life so hard. Let me tell you guys a little. At the end of March with this whole pandemic I had to work from home like everyone else, so I needed my computer it was at her house. I let it stay there because she claimed she needed to get her “stuff” off the computer 2 months earlier. So, one Monday morning at the end of March I text my ex that I wanted my computer back and that I would pick it up when I get the kids. She text me I can’t have it, I can get it on Friday, told her that was unacceptable. I am going to abbreviate a lot of this. We went back and forth and finally she said she would drop it off at my house. That evening. She text me she was going to leave my computer at the curb. Again I told her that was unacceptable to put it on my porch. She can stomping up to my front door, banged on it very aggressively. When I opened the door I asked her to hand it to me and I had some documents to give her. She said where are my documents. I said just put the computer down and I will get the documents. She dropped the computer and broke it. I didn’t know that at the moment. I went and got her documents, they were in a folder so I threw it on the lawn. She was so offended that she lunges to take the computer back, I stepped in front of her and grabbed the computer and ran into my house. She flung the screen door open breaking it off the hinge and tried to force herself into my home. My GF had to push back on the main door and lock her out. She continued standing on my porch cursing and yelling. I had to wait for her to go back to her car and then I let my son out of the house. My D unfortunately saw all of that. Well the next day I was served with a refrain from order. She claims I grabbed her and threw her back. So the next day I got one against her. Well now she can’t go back on her lie, so now we pick up and drop off our kids at the police station. If she just would have given me my computer to begin with, but she tried to control me and the minute I stand up to her she gets crazy. At this point the ex and I barely communicate which is nice, less drama.
I am currently living with my GF. My son is great with her but my D hates me and my GF. It’s been so hard with my D. She basically she does not want a father, I’m not kidding about this. My ex is dating and the BF is always over there. I got a hold of my D cell phone and went through it. She had a conversation to her mom about him being there all the time and shoving him down their throats. She has only been dating this guy 3 months and has him over all the time.But to protect her mom she will tell me she likes him and he is funny and nice. She could have brought home a bum on the street and she would have loved him. My GF is so good to my kids, she constantly goes out of her way to give my kids what they want. I just miss my little girl. Everything is just a mess, I feel horrible that my kids are going through this. Hey here have been so many other things but I will talk about another day. It’s great to be back.
W,
I’m rally sorry your kids have to grow through this and hope they are getting the help they need. My friends parents aced like you two when they got D and he’s still in therapy. You guys are definitely immature and put both put your needs ahead of your children. It’s very sad that with all that is going on in the world they have this to absorb too.
Wolf you can’t control how your Ex acts but you at least have to do your part and do the right thing.
W,
I’m rally sorry your kids have to grow through this and hope they are getting the help they need. My friends parents aced like you two when they got D and he’s still in therapy. You guys are definitely immature and put both put your needs ahead of your children. It’s very sad that with all that is going on in the world they have this to absorb too.
Wolf you can’t control how your Ex acts but you at least have to do your part and do the right thing.
LH you are so right. I am trying hard to make things right with the kids but also not let her take advantage of me. That whole incident should have never happened. Even divorced she is STILL trying to control me. I don’t let that happen anymore and these are the things she does. Granted I shouldn’t have thrown the folder but I am just so fed up with her. She broke my computer and erased over 200 pictures of my kids on the computer. For what reason??? Just to be spiteful. And she subjects the kids to the police station. Why? Because when she longed for the computer and stepped in front of her and basically boxed her out. LH from the beginning you always said to me to take my b@lls back. I knew anytime I would stand up to her there would be h3ll to pay. That is exactly what is happening. I am taking my b@lls back and she isn’t use to it and throwing these crazy fits. In the last 2 months there has been so much that has gone on. I will share little by little.
My GF has been a champ in all of this. Surprisingly none of this has scared her away. She has also helped me stand up to the ex. Sometimes when I am going to just play nice with the ex so there isn’t this drama, she reminds me that’s not my job to appease her. That I have to do what’s right. So I do what’s right and the ex acts up. It happens everytime. But that’s not my problem anymore. I just hate drama but this is what I have to deal with.
I absolutely hate that this is happening to my children. I try and shield them as much as possible, but the ex likes to put on a show I front of them and only does what is right for her. My ex had more of my stuff so I had to contact a lawyer about getting it back. Do you believe the ex wanted to give me my items at the police station with the kids there? She was going to fill up a uhaul drive the kids to the police station, me bring a truck, and unload and load at the police station while the kids sat in the car. I told her absolutely not. Drop the kids off at my house first so the kids can be inside playing and then bring the uhaul to my house so I can unload it. After the lawyers went back and forth she realized that her idea was not good for the kids. I am so tired how she wants to do things in front of the kids.
Next time buy a new computer
As far as your daughter goes, she had no time to adjust to her father being with a new woman, and now that she’s moved in, she is pretty much telling you she isn’t ready. Regardless of what your ex does, she doesn’t feel ready for this with you. Such huge adjustments for her in a small amount of time. I truly feel for her
Next time buy a new computer
The computer had a lot of my work on there. I needed it back. It was part of the divorce agreement. I know this is hard for my daughter. I am trying to make this as easy as possible for my kids. My son is doing well with it. This divorce thing is so hard. I miss my kids so much the days I don’t have them. I had my kids meet my GF a few times before all of this. For my D it doesn’t matter who I date or bring home, she wasn’t going to like them. I am so sorry my kids have to go through this.
Wolfman, Im sorry for what you're going through, you both sound like youre both still healing from it all. I don't have sitch advice. On the computer end, did the hard drive shatter? If not you can still retrieve the contents once you get a new computer. It may not all be lost.
Wolfman, your GF could be Mary freakin’ poppies, but if your daughter ain’t ready, she ain’t ready. Everything happened so whirlwind. Your GF happened right away. Your kids met your GF a few times and then you all moved in?!?
Boys, they are whatever. They don’t give a crap. Girls, they take longer to adjust to a new woman in their life. They never even got the chance to adjust to the divorce before you brought someone else in the picture. She could be the most wonderful woman in the world, but your daughter wasn’t ready, wasn’t eased in, and is still dealing with so much.
She wasn’t ready for some other woman living in her house getting her dads attention. I’m sorry .
Ginger. It did happen so fast. I didn’t expect to have someone in my life so quick either. You mentioned about my GF getting my attention over my D. Most of the time my GF gives me plenty of time with just my kids. She is good like that. I know my D sees this woman in my life like the enemy to her mom, but that isn’t my fault. My ex is the one who wanted the divorce. I have moved on and maybe my GF and I have moved quick, but that’s just how it went. I am looking for a psychologist for my D and I to go to. I really want to work this out with her. I love my kids so much. I hope this new therapy will work with her.
As far as the ex and I it has been great. There is basically no contact anymore. It was impossible trying to speak to her. It had to be her way or else it would be a problem. Overall it’s so sad it all had to get to this point. I have read a lot of stories on here and a lot of you have gone through some real hard times. But it looks like my ex is one of the top crazy ones on here.
Wolf Wolf Wolf. Boy you are something else. I’m sure it’s your Ex’s fault you moved your GF in what less then 6 months since your D?
I’m not a psychologist but I have read that when someone has narcissistic traits everything is always someone else’s fault.
When you have some time read TBSAKJ’s and see how responsible people handle post divorce relationships.
It doesn’t matter who’s fault it is Wolf. But how can you possibly blame m icing forward quickly on your divorce? Most parents take a year post divorce for their kids to adjust. It is what it is and your daughter isn’t ready. And there should be nothing more important than your daughter. I’d say if it was 5 years post D, then she needs to begin to learn how to deal. But I don’t blame the poor kid.
I agree, read the thread LH suggested. He is doing right by his girls . Listening to them, understanding they aren’t ready. Taking cues from them, stepping back when he needs moving forward When safe.
But you’ll do what you’ll do. But I don’t expect your daughters is going to come around anytime soon. Even with a psychologist .
To Ginger's point, my W was 11 when her parents D'd. One of the hardest things she went through was being introduced to SO's of both her father's and mother's. And age doesn't matter. It is a difficult adjust of kids of any age.
I love this site. I check it daily. Because it gave so much back to me.. But not in the way i expected.
I came here looking for the magic bullet to get the ex back.
I learnt so much more - self improvement , self respect, where it went wrong, and how to avoid this next time around..
By the looks of your posts, you did very little of this...
Look at Phoenix9s recent post as to why you dont introduce your kids into a relationship in such a short time period. It's not fair on the kids !
I just read your post and everything you have done is the mirror of my wayward ( ironically who has serious Narc tendancies ) - she introduced my daughters to her partner the week she left - it really affected the girls.
You took no time to heel and threw yourself into another relationship, without a thought for the kids.
My personal opinion 6 - 12 months min before involving children - they dont want to see a revolving door of partners ( you are still with your new partner, so thats not the case, but it does happen ) - you should be their rock... I learn from my wayward - i listen to the kids and see all the mess ups she makes - and ensure i dont do the same
You are all right I definitely moved fast. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen but it did. The timeline is off for some of you. When I met my GF it was 10 months after we separated/divorced. My kids met my GF 18 months after separation/divorce. My GF and I were dating 9 months before they met her and it was very gradual. I know this is so hard on my kids, I know I have made many mistakes but I have learned a lot of other things. I am a better person( even though it may not seem like it here). So many of you are right, I do place too much blame on the ex. I am trying to really look back and reflect on those mistakes I made in my previous marriage and not to make them again. I will definitely work on just speaking about what I have done and what I can do better. Other than this website I have no experience with divorce. No one in my family was divorced, none of my friends have divorced parents. So a lot of times I actually ask friends if what I am doing is right or wrong. I should have just come here more. Unfortunately I did a lot of what my ex did, act on emotion and that doesn’t usually work out. I never expected to fall for someone so quick. I dated to other women before my GF, it was fun but nothing there. I didn’t think I would feel like this again. I am sorry that I have put my kids through this. Yes, I did do things for myself. That was maybe not beneficial to the kids. I didn’t know how to cope with such a loss. It I am in such a better place and truly love the woman I have in my life. All I can try and do is be the best father I can be to these children. I am not a bad guy, at times I did make some very selfish decisions, whether you guys agree or not it made me a better person, stronger person and really ready to take on what life has to throw at me. Going forward it’s nothing but the best interest of my children. Thank you everyone for the 2x4s.
Hey Wolf, welcome back! Glad to hear things are going well between you and GF, Hopefully D will warm up to her eventually. Sorry to hear about the incident with your XW. It's probably for the best that the exchanges happen at the police station from now on, far less chance of drama. Hopefully the computer was the last thing your XW could hold over your head like that. Put her in the rearview mirror where she belongs!
Hey Wolf, welcome back! Glad to hear things are going well between you and GF, Hopefully D will warm up to her eventually. Sorry to hear about the incident with your XW. It's probably for the best that the exchanges happen at the police station from now on, far less chance of drama. Hopefully the computer was the last thing your XW could hold over your head like that. Put her in the rearview mirror where she belongs!
Thank you. She is in the rear view mirror. Way back there. I’m glad to be back. I miss so many of you. The advice from here is great. The validating I have learned from here was wonderful. I wish I knew it a long time ago. I would have used it more in all aspects of my life. How have you been AS?
Had to pick up my kids the other day. It was my day, just like we do we exchange at the police station. Well, Tuesday my D refused to get out of my ex’s car and come with me. My S got right out but my D didn’t. My ex called the cops to help her but they won’t physically remove her, so I had to file a report that my D won’t come with me. My ex has loosened my D so much it’s disgusting. I have text messages from about a month ago between my ex and D and my ex is bashing me. So now I spoke with my lawyer and he is filing a contempt of court. It happened yesterday too. Divorce is hard but losing a child like this, hurts 100x more. Just to give you all an idea, in some of the texts my D complained that I wanted to watch a movie with her or play a game with her. Most kids would die to have a father like me and yet she is throwing me to the curb because of the ex being in her ear. I can’t imagine how hard this all must be for my D. That’s why I am trying to schedule a psychologist for her and I to go to. But this whole pandemic is making it hard to get a hold of anyone.
She doesn't need a psychologist she needs a strong, steady man to help her calm down and listen to her. You can't make her talk and you can't make her do a thing. She is worked up right now and you HAVE to be the rock in this situation.
Take the pressure off of your daughter.
Go talk to the best football coach you ever had and listen to what he says. You gotta tighten up that chinstrap, quit fighting with your ex, and do the right thing every day. Fighting over computers and stuff is crazy. You want your daughter to end up on drugs or running around with some guy who fights with his ex all the time or do you want her to be attracted to a strong, sensible man who know how to take care of their family?
Hello everyone. It has been a while. The amount of garbage that has been going on in my life is uncanny. So, I will just update you all what’s going on recently. I have been dating my GF for almost a year and a half. For the most of it, it was amazing. I thought I found “the one”. But then all this other stress around me started to happen (parents getting divorced they are 75, selling my parents house, my dad stealing thousands from my mom, a squatter in my moms house, my daughter refusing to come with me and the ex enabling that, taking ex to court to see my daughter, need I say more). All of these things started to put a real stress on our relationship. What was blissful is now becoming painful. To top it all of my ex has brainwashed my daughter to hating me and my GF. So I guess my question/comment is this. What do I do? My GF and I are now arguing a lot more, my daughter absolutely hates my GF and never even gave her a chance. Do I continue down this rocky road or do I jump ship? My GF has been amazing but the stress of everything has really go to us. My kids not liking her and honestly I could have brought home Ariana Grande and I don’t think it would have mattered. I am so confused. Half my heart is saying to let go the other half is saying once some of this stress is worked out, it will get better. Also, do I let my kids dictate to me who I date. I know this is extremely difficult for them but I don’t know what to do. My ex has a BF and the kids were taught not to tell me anything, meaning even if he was doing something wrong the kids wouldn’t tell me. Well I look forward to talking with all of you again.
Anyone ever have to deal with parent alienation? Taking ex to court for that. And yes I have a lot of evidence against her.
I am not sure, I'd have to go back, but I believe you were warned about the impact of you dating on your kids. You have been dating since March of 2019.....but your D wasn't final until 11/4/19. That is the kind of thing kids in the 11-18 year old range can really resent. "You gave up on mom and family months before you were D'd!"
I know you are convinced of parental alienation....but you have provided the ammo for it yourself. Your relationship with your daughter is your responsibility. So it sounds like you have a choice. An R with your GF, or an R with your daughter. This is why many experts suggest that divorced parents do not date until their kids are 18. There is a lot of empirical evidence for this, though it mostly related to step-fathers. But the statistics are irrefutable. The chance of minor children being sexually abused skyrocket when a man who isn't their father is introduced into the home. But the impact of GFs on minor children is still a factor.
This is why we suggest not dating. The complexity of another person thrown into the mix can make a toxic situation even more toxic.
Go back 1 1/2 years ago and imagine if Wolfman had prioritized being the best father he could be over everything else? Food for thought.
Hey Wolfster! Good to see you back but sorry to hear things aren't going better!
To top it all of my ex has brainwashed my daughter to hating me and my GF. So I guess my question/comment is this. What do I do? My GF and I are now arguing a lot more, my daughter absolutely hates my GF and never even gave her a chance. Do I continue down this rocky road or do I jump ship?
OK, so you've heard us talk about limerence and one thing you might want to consider is that this wonderful, awesome R you had with GF was really just the limerence phase. It takes a good year or two to get past limerence and really see the R for what it is, so now that the feel-good chemicals your body was releasing are beginning to subside, things may not seem so great after all.
If your D hates your GF then there may be something to that. One huge issue when dating with kids is the person you are dating can be a master of pretending to be a great mom in front of you while being something completely different when you're not around. My suggestion there would be to talk to your D and ask her why she feels that way, and when you do talk to her take her seriously and listen and validate. She may throw some stuff out that you feel is unfair or untrue, but consider it anyway. And like I said, validate everything she says.
Half my heart is saying to let go the other half is saying once some of this stress is worked out, it will get better. Also, do I let my kids dictate to me who I date.
Well you want to be happy, but yes you should consider what your kids think. It's a big impact to their life. We have to make many, many sacrifices for our kids, and limiting who we date is definitely a consideration. Personally when I started dating I kept my GF completely separate from my kids for a long time. I didn't see her on the weeks I had the kids. First I told my kids about her, then waited even longer to introduce her to them. Even after introducing her I did not have her sleep over when I had the kids. The kids are grown now and the two D's are on their own so it's not a big deal anymore.
My ex has a BF and the kids were taught not to tell me anything, meaning even if he was doing something wrong the kids wouldn’t tell me.
Don't pry, but do ask them to let you know if they ever feel their safety is at risk. You might tell them that if something is wrong but they feel like they can't discuss it with you, that you'll find a therapist they can talk to.
WM,
I'm going to come at this from the other side. And my thoughts echo what Steve has posted above.
The final line he posts is GOLD and how i choose to live my life... Being the best father i can be - my children have a selfish WW mother - so I WILL be the rock in their lives.
From the other side..
WW introduced kids to OM 3 days after she moved out - he spent the night there a few days later..
Consequence of this - my eldest and middle ( 8 and 6 ) hate him... Its nothing i have said - i don't get involved. They are too young to understand the cheating etc, but it doesnt matter to them..
I would never do what she did anyway - but it was a stark reminder - Keep the children away from these things.
I have an amazing relationship with my kids, but also see it from their side now. My eldest ( D8 ) has no respect for her mother - NONE... She is open about wanting to be at my house 6 out of the 7 nights. The mindset of my daughter has nothing to do with anything i have said - we dont speak about WW... Its how i treat her and i am there for her - We talk, we always do things together, we cook together, we wash the car together, we go for walks / bike rides together.. She knows i am reliable and she is my priority - Dont get me wrong... I date, but i keep it away from the children. They are unaware of it.
From the WW perspective... I must be "bribing" or saying things to turn the kids against her.. She cannot / doesnt want to admit that the atitude of the kids is a consequence of her poor decisions or lack of qualoty time she spends with them.
It has nothing to do with me bribing or alinating her - during lockdown in the UK we were stuck at home every day, apart from our 1 hour - but we still did things as a family - where as WW just sticks them in front of the TV or ignores them when OM is there. Kids see this and they will draw their own conclusions.
Look at Josephs thread.. Once WW walked, his focus was Kids kids kids.. In your sitch, i would have cemented a solid foundation with the children before dating, - Become their rock , while WW did her crazy WW stuff - as they had already had a rough time with the seperation..
. "You gave up on mom and family months before you were D'd!"
Thank you steve
Steve you were right about not dating should have waited. But this statement ^ I did t give up for 7-8 months. I tried to show her I changed, I tried talking to her about how we could repair the marriage. The kids saw me trying. So what was I suppose to do? She was full steam ahead. So that would be upsetting if they feel like I gave up. 1. I didn’t want divorce
2. I tried like I said for a while.
As far as parent alienation. I have text messages between my daughter and ex, where the ex is calling me a loser, don’t talk to him, don’t worry you don’t have to spend a lot of time with him, be careful what you say to dad he will try and take you away from your mom. Telling her to hide things from me like her phone, terrible how I don’t spend every second with them when I am cooking. And it goes on from there. I would think that is pretty bad.
Hey Wolfster! Good to see you back but sorry to hear things aren't going better!
If your D hates your GF then there may be something to that. One huge issue when dating with kids is the person you are dating can be a master of pretending to be a great mom in front of you while being something completely different when you're not around. My suggestion there would be to talk to your D and ask her why she feels that way, and when you do talk to her take her seriously and listen and validate. She may throw some stuff out that you feel is unfair or untrue, but consider it anyway. And like I said, validate everything she says.
AS thanks for the response I appreciate it. This comment ^ it’s hard for me to tell. For the first month after meeting my GF all she would say is, she is too nice. That was her biggest complaint for a while. I am working on listening to any complaints and validating. One of her biggest now is, I love my GF more than her. I try and show her so much love, I don’t know what to do. That’s why I go to therapy with her once a week. I am trying so hard!!
[quote=MrBrside]WM,
Look at Josephs thread.. Once WW walked, his focus was Kids kids kids.. In your sitch, i would have cemented a solid foundation with the children before dating, - Become their rock , while WW did her crazy WW stuff - as they had already had a rough time with the seperation..
Hey Mr. B thank you for the insights. That last quote is so good. I have to go by that. I want nothing more than to have my kids “back”. These last 2 years have been so difficult. My GF stood by my side for such garbage, but my kids will always be number 1!! I hate breaking people’s hearts. I feel like it has to be done. I so wanted a family again, and she made me so happy for so long!!! I hate when you guys are right!! Lol
As far as parent alienation. I have text messages between my daughter and ex, where the ex is calling me a loser, don’t talk to him, don’t worry you don’t have to spend a lot of time with him, be careful what you say to dad he will try and take you away from your mom. Telling her to hide things from me like her phone, terrible how I don’t spend every second with them when I am cooking. And it goes on from there. I would think that is pretty bad.
Sounds harsh - but if i were in your sitch, my focus would be on proving her wrong.. By actions, not words.
One thing that stuff with me was a close friend explaining how dad let him and his siblings down..
Mum cheated and left dad... His dad became the rock, while Mum lived the WW life with OM. They rarely saw mum as she went full speed ahead on her WW journey..
2 years later dad met GF.. ( now married ) - she didnt like the kids, and they got pushed aside.. At the same time, mum was waking up from her crazy ways.. My friend has very little to do with his dad now.. He went from being an amazing dad when they needed him most, to somebodyy they see a few times a year - over 1 woman..
Made me realise that nobody is worth losing my kids ( or grankids for ) - The dads decision to put the woman first saw his relationship with 4 children crumble, 1 daughter self harm, and now only seeing his grandkids a few times a year..
Food for thought !
I'm not saying dont date - but be the support for the kids first.
For the first month after meeting my GF all she would say is, she is too nice. That was her biggest complaint for a while. I am working on listening to any complaints and validating. One of her biggest now is, I love my GF more than her. I try and show her so much love, I don’t know what to do. That’s why I go to therapy with her once a week. I am trying so hard!!
First of all let me commend you for taking your D to therapy, you are an awesome dad! No question of that. Second, if your GF being "too nice" is the biggest complain she can come up with, then this sounds like a case of teen rebellion. My younger D was about the same age as yours at BD. Even though my XW was the one that had an affair and left, I became the lightning rod for my D's raging storms over the whole situation. She treated me very badly for a good year after BD. But I held my head high and continued to try and be the best parent I could be to her and her siblings. A couple of years later we were on vacation in Arkansas and she and I went for a hike, and she brought up the D, and said (paraphrasing, it's been a while) "you know dad, most people don't stay married forever. You did everything you could to save it, but you and mom had twenty great years together and raised us and we turned out pretty good, so I'd say that was a really good run." I was really proud of her for saying such a wise thing! And it really warmed my heart, and at that point I knew we had survived it and were all going to be OK. So hang in there, continue being a great dad, she is probably still grieving the loss of the marriage and hasn't reached the acceptance phase yet. When she does things will be much smoother with her I am sure.
Hi Wolf,
Welcome back. Sorry to hear things are not better.
Stop arguing with your GF. Have a calm discussion with GF. Listen and validate her. Make a joint decision about how the future relationship should be. Weigh her words heavily.
. "You gave up on mom and family months before you were D'd!"
Thank you steve
Steve you were right about not dating should have waited. But this statement ^ I did t give up for 7-8 months. I tried to show her I changed, I tried talking to her about how we could repair the marriage. The kids saw me trying. So what was I suppose to do? She was full steam ahead. So that would be upsetting if they feel like I gave up. 1. I didn’t want divorce
2. I tried like I said for a while.
As far as parent alienation. I have text messages between my daughter and ex, where the ex is calling me a loser, don’t talk to him, don’t worry you don’t have to spend a lot of time with him, be careful what you say to dad he will try and take you away from your mom. Telling her to hide things from me like her phone, terrible how I don’t spend every second with them when I am cooking. And it goes on from there. I would think that is pretty bad.
The truth, we LBSs love to get hung up on the truth. The truth isn't what your daughter is dealing with, she is dealing with her perception. Maybe she noticed you trying for 7-8 months. Maybe she didn't. What I can tell you is that she knows when GF was introduced and she knows when your D was final. That sequence will be top of her mind and define your R with your GF to your daughter.....FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
As far as #2, Mr B nailed it. Action, not words. Your daughter, even if for a time she believes your W's words, will eventually allow your actions to trump what her mother is telling her. Kids are not as gullible as you think. My prediction is that if you were to break up with your GF, and continue to be the best father you can be, your daughter would eventually see through her mother's alienation. Right now they have a common enemy: your GF. So they are bonded in unity against her. Your W is using your daughter's hatred of your GF to turn her against you. So this is why I say your choice directly in front of you is a R with your daughter, or a R with you GF. I know in a perfect world, you would be able to balance the two. That you could keep both, have both rock solid in a vacuum, and that one wouldn't affect the other. Unfortunately we live in a the real world where it is never that cut and dry.
Well it looks like so many of you were right. Jumping into another it not going to last. So after 1.5 years with my GF I broke up with her yesterday. There was just too much arguing. She had a lot of insecurities and our age difference started to come out. Things that she would get upset about I don’t see as a problem. I know if I was her age then maybe. I hurts a lot. But now it’s time for me. Time to work on me and get use to being alone. I really wanted it to work so bad. I tried so hard. But I had no voice in the relationship. AnytiMe I would voice my opinion on things there would be an argument. Which would wind up me agreeing with everything she said and apologizing for how i made her feel. It’s hard to feel like there is hope when a relationship for 19 years failed and now this. I definitely have grown, this forum has taught me so much, yet it was not enough to save it. I am certainly not saying I am perfect, I made a lot of mistakes and tried to correct them. But then she would complain about something else. Honestly I am going to need time for myself. I am going to be so afraid to put myself out there again.
For anyone who is new and reading my post or posts, listen to the veterans here. Everything they said was right and came true. I thought I knew better, I thought I would be the exception. Well guess what, i wasn’t. What they tell us to do is HARD, but it works and they are right. I really hate myself for not listening and doing what I was told. My emotions ran the show and I got hurt, hurt my kids and hurt my family. Now hurt my GF. I acted out of fear and it got me nowhere. I am a fool and this just stinks. Sorry for the rant but I am hurting and down right now.
Wolf, onward and upward my friend. We all make mistakes. Some mistakes last a second. Some last a year and a half. You lived, you learned, and you are better for it.
Hang in there, you're young and have time. Take time to heal and try to mend your R with your D. You'll never regret that.
Also, be a voice of reason here for others going through it. I get thrown in my face a lot that I can't possibly know how something feels because I've never been through it personally. Had the fact that I have not been through a D thrown in my face recently by a veteran here. You've been through a lot of what LBSs struggle with. You are uniquely qualified to speak through experience. So use that to help others here! It can be very cathartic!
Hi Wolf,
But now it’s time for me. Time to work on me and get use to being alone.
Would you mind sharing your list of things you want to change? We have many newbies here that would benefit from your insight.