I have been doing a lot of reading on these boards waiting for approval and finally got it today. Here's my story. H and I have been married 20 something years. There have been arguments, but mostly a very good marriage. H retired from the military a few years ago and became depressed after retirement. He still works, just no longer activity duty. Even though he's been depressed, our marriage was still decent overall. He was not the type to go out with the guys, he came straight home from work etc. A couple of months ago, I began seeing text messages, social media posts from female coworkers that were pretty personal. We discussed it and he claims nothing is going on. Although it's pretty apparent there's at least an EA going on. Everything is going along fine, then 6 weeks later out of the blue he says he's not happy and is leaving.
11 days into the separation, he sends me an email saying he wants a divorce and doesn't want to "drag things out". My head is spinning. He wrote me a letter and in it was all of the things I've done wrong over the last 20+years. My brain says to not take it personally, but the heart hurts so bad it's hard not to. I know I guilty of a lot of wrong doings, but I've always been faithful to him. I am absolutely crushed.
What do you all think? Is this MLC?
Thank you all for listening. This board is the only thing I've got, as I don't have much RL social support.
D.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Oh boy. Such a familiar story.
You've got a lot of reading and learning to do. Your husband is rewriting history to justify to himself what he is doing. Common. Mine did that too. I think they all do.
Your first move is to stay calm. Don't take any of what he said personally. Don't demean yourself by begging, pleading or trying to reason with him. If he wants to file for divorce, tell him you disagree but will not stop him, but are not going to do anything to help. And drag it out as long as you can. Get an attorney and tell the attorney you want him/her to slow walk and delay everything. Then you start your divorcebusting (get the book). Especially read about the Last Resort Technique. The more you can follow those steps precisely the better you will do.
Really, stay calm. I just went through this ordeal myself and I won. Mine was pretty gone too at BD but time has a way of turning things around.
There's one thing I heard over and over: "people don't leave what they have unless they think what they're going to is better." Most of the time, "better" is a fantasy. Half the battle is to wait out the fantasy.
This board is the only thing I've got, as I don't have much RL social support.
Welcome. There are great people here that will support you.
Read as many of these post as you can:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712#Post2879712Focus on you and your personal growth through this most difficult time. Things that work are almost always counter-intuitive. The more you feel like you shouldn't do something, usually indicates that you should do it. Also, the more you feel like doing something, most likely you should not do it. This is an emotional issue that needs to be addressed with logic.
Do you have kids? If so ages?
Hi dovegirl, welcome! But sorry to see you here.
When in doubt, post here first.
Like Newbie said, don’t take what your H is saying personally. I know it’s super hard, but you must learn to detach first. Take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Put yourself (and the kids if any) first.
Thank you. There are a lot of links you listed that I had not stumbled across. I will check them out right away!
D
Oh boy. Such a familiar story.
You've got a lot of reading and learning to do. Your husband is rewriting history to justify to himself what he is doing. Common. Mine did that too. I think they all do.
Your first move is to stay calm. Don't take any of what he said personally. Don't demean yourself by begging, pleading or trying to reason with him. If he wants to file for divorce, tell him you disagree but will not stop him, but are not going to do anything to help. And drag it out as long as you can. Get an attorney and tell the attorney you want him/her to slow walk and delay everything. Then you start your divorcebusting (get the book). Especially read about the Last Resort Technique. The more you can follow those steps precisely the better you will do.
Really, stay calm. I just went through this ordeal myself and I won. Mine was pretty gone too at BD but time has a way of turning things around.
There's one thing I heard over and over: "people don't leave what they have unless they think what they're going to is better." Most of the time, "better" is a fantasy. Half the battle is to wait out the fantasy.
Thank you, Newbie. I like how you phrased that he is rewriting history to justify his actions. I was kind of thinking along the same lines, and I'm strong one minute and then the next minute I start believing that I'm a terrible person.
I did do a little begging the first 2 weeks he was gone. That got me no where, and as of last night, I a cutting off all contact (well as much as possible as we do have children together) because it's just easier than being on that emotional roller coaster I'm on when we run into each other.
Stupid question here...ask the attorney to "slow walk and delay everything" what is the goal there besides the obvious of delaying the end.
May I ask how long yours was gone? Is there a time estimate on how long it takes the fantasy to dissolve into reality?
Thank you again for sharing this information with me.
D.
This board is the only thing I've got, as I don't have much RL social support.
Welcome. There are great people here that will support you.
Read as many of these post as you can:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712#Post2879712Focus on you and your personal growth through this most difficult time. Things that work are almost always counter-intuitive. The more you feel like you shouldn't do something, usually indicates that you should do it. Also, the more you feel like doing something, most likely you should not do it. This is an emotional issue that needs to be addressed with logic.
Do you have kids? If so ages?
I don't even know what I feel I should and shouldn't do right now. I'm so confused and my feelings change by the hour. Yes, we do have two teenagers.
D.
Hi dovegirl, welcome! But sorry to see you here.
When in doubt, post here first.
Like Newbie said, don’t take what your H is saying personally. I know it’s super hard, but you must learn to detach first. Take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Put yourself (and the kids if any) first.
Thank you wooba. I'll read that thread on detachment that cadet posted.
D.
Every case is different. I personally think the time frame you have to deal with this garbage is positively correlated to the time it takes you to get on the right path; i.e., reclaim your own life, no contact (unless it's business or kid related), no R talks, giving the message that you're not playing the game with them. It takes different people different amounts of time to get there. Some never do. My case did not involve another woman. It was more of a lifestyle fantasy which never happened.
It takes as long as it takes. I know that's not what you want to hear but if you spend your energy getting yourself to a place where you don't "have" to have him anymore, it will go a lot faster.
The point of slow walking a divorce if one is filed is giving that time to happen. Sometimes they die of disinterest. Mine filed for divorce. It isn't happening.
Dovegirl, you need to brace yourself for the other shoe to drop: There is another woman. Be prepared. AnotherStander is a very wise poster here and he says there are two kinds of sitches: those that involve another person, and those that haven't found out yet that there is another person.
I do not tell you this to freak you out, but to prepare you. We've seen many DBers that do a great job at starting to DB well, and then let it all go by the wayside the minute they find out there is an A.
A or no A, your job is the same. Give him time and space. Focus on you. Go out and GAL. 180 on any bad behavior. And work on detachment.
Buckle in, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Steve: come on. That's not always true. Mine had no OW. I know that for a fact and could prove it in court. A lot of them do, but not all. But when there are texts and social media stuff, yeah .... I think social media is a cancer and should be eradicated.
In fact, if there had been an OW, the ending would have been very different. I would have filed and kicked him to the curb. There would be no going back.
Steve: come on. That's not always true. Mine had no OW. I know that for a fact and could prove it in court. A lot of them do, but not all. But when there are texts and social media stuff, yeah .... I think social media is a cancer and should be eradicated.
In fact, if there had been an OW, the ending would have been very different. I would have filed and kicked him to the curb. There would be no going back.
Newbie, assume the worst, hope for the best.
As the vets around here like to say, there is ALWAYS another person. Even if it is just a fantasy of another person.
Points still stands, she need to brace for it. I've yet to see a happily married man with in a good marriage, just up and leave his marriage "just cuz".
Steve: come on. That's not always true. Mine had no OW. I know that for a fact and could prove it in court. A lot of them do, but not all. But when there are texts and social media stuff, yeah .... I think social media is a cancer and should be eradicated.
In fact, if there had been an OW, the ending would have been very different. I would have filed and kicked him to the curb. There would be no going back.
Newbie, with all due respect, you are the rare exception. The OP has already said there are inappropriate text messages and she believes there's an EA on the table. EA's are dangerous things just as MWD explains in her books. People leave marriages over the fantasy they promise. My husband was a leader in the community. He was a leader at church. A family man. I was floored that he was capable of having an affair (I was naive). Looking back, the signs were everywhere. But I didn't know what to look for, and didn't see anything.
In my opinion, I wish someone would have been as brutally honest with me at the beginning. I didn't have a place like this. So instead, I made excuses for his behavior and wanted to believe it wasn't a long term A or that he didn't really love her, and accepted him rewriting history and placing the blame on me. What I would have given for someone to open my eyes to reality. To show me the patterns. I would advise the OP to take Steve's advice and if it is wrong and there is no OW, then fantastic! That's a relief.
Preparation is a gift.
Mine wasn't happy but it was career related and he chose me to blame for it. I held him back somehow . Still haven't figured that one out. He made vague mentions of "meeting new people" after D but I kind of laughed at that one. Right. I know the OP has ample reason to believe there is something going on. That is a dead cold dealbreaker for me. I'm gone.
Oceangirl, I don't disagree with you at all. Affairs, emotional or whatever, are a dealbreaker for me personally. Make your choice ... if it's her, seeya. And by the way, hand over your wallet before you leave (figuratively, cause I'll be gunning for it in court)
Steve said the same thing to me-- brace yourself for a PA. I thought, no way, 99.9% it is not a PA. And then... surprise! it was.
Honestly, I was and am very grateful to Steve and others on this board for helping prepare me for the other shoe to drop. Dovegirl, even if it isn't a PA, I do think it is helpful to be prepared. And once you start thinking about the possibility, I think it can also help with detaching and focusing on you.
Steve is right, pretty much every situation involves a PA, EA or IA. In the absence of a physical or emotional affair, there's inevitably an imaginary one and those are the most difficult of all to compete with because the affair can be whatever fantasy the WAS wants to imagine. I can't remember who the poster was but there was a guy here whose wife was engaged in an IA with a celebrity. She actually planned to move closer to him and was trying to engineer ways to get herself in front of him thinking they were soulmates and he would immediately swoon if only he could see her!
I was one of the many here who was convinced there was no OP. Then I had to take some mail over to W's place and swung by at 6am before work to put them in her mailbox and there was a truck in the drive belonging to a "close friend" (someone I knew) she worked with. Yeah.
OMG re the IA. That's sick ....
I promise, there wasn't an OP. I have my ways of knowing, let's just say that. That doesn't mean he didn't fantasize about it - I have no way of knowing that. But nothing happened.
Dovegirl, you need to brace yourself for the other shoe to drop: There is another woman. Be prepared. AnotherStander is a very wise poster here and he says there are two kinds of sitches: those that involve another person, and those that haven't found out yet that there is another person.
I do not tell you this to freak you out, but to prepare you. We've seen many DBers that do a great job at starting to DB well, and then let it all go by the wayside the minute they find out there is an A.
A or no A, your job is the same. Give him time and space. Focus on you. Go out and GAL. 180 on any bad behavior. And work on detachment.
Buckle in, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
I hear what you are saying. Right after he left I was absolutely convinced there was an OW. But....let me just say it's looking like maybe that's not be the case. I think at this point, it's the idea of being with someone else. I guess that's what people are referring to as a fantasy?
In fact, if there had been an OW, the ending would have been very different. I would have filed and kicked him to the curb. There would be no going back.
I agree with you on this. I don't how I could get past an A. Maybe an EA, but certainly not a PA.
[quote=Newbie20]
Points still stands, she need to brace for it. I've yet to see a happily married man with in a good marriage, just up and leave his marriage "just cuz".
It's the "good marriage" part that I'm having an internal battle with. I thought it was a good marriage, there were arguments of course, but more good times than bad times. But, he says it hasn't been good for a few years now. So is he rewriting history and there's an OW or did we just have two very different perspectives on our marriage?
[quote=Newbie20] My husband was a leader in the community. He was a leader at church. A family man. I was floored that he was capable of having an affair (I was naive). Looking back, the signs were everywhere. But I didn't know what to look for, and didn't see anything.
That must a been a major blindside for you!
I don't how I could get past an A. Maybe an EA, but certainly not a PA.
Many here have. You don't have to cross that bridge yet.
Right now, you have to focus on protecting yourself. Emotionally, financially, spiritually....
At the same time, focus on your personal growth and learn as many new skills as possible. Use your time very wisely. The BombDrop triggered my personal growth and Divorce Remedy was the foundation of all my personal growth.
Must of us arrive here with rose colored glasses. You have many people here that can help you see things from a different POV.
I did not go looking for evidence of OP. I know who OM was. Knowing or not knowing does not change what you need to do.
Steve is right, pretty much every situation involves a PA, EA or IA. In the absence of a physical or emotional affair, there's inevitably an imaginary one and those are the most difficult of all to compete with because the affair can be whatever fantasy the WAS wants to imagine. I can't remember who the poster was but there was a guy here whose wife was engaged in an IA with a celebrity. She actually planned to move closer to him and was trying to engineer ways to get herself in front of him thinking they were soulmates and he would immediately swoon if only he could see her!
Okay, that's just creepy!
I was one of the many here who was convinced there was no OP. Then I had to take some mail over to W's place and swung by at 6am before work to put them in her mailbox and there was a truck in the drive belonging to a "close friend" (someone I knew) she worked with. Yeah.
I'm so sorry. And to find out when you're doing something nice makes it just that much worse.
I promise, there wasn't an OP. I have my ways of knowing, let's just say that. That doesn't mean he didn't fantasize about it - I have no way of knowing that. But nothing happened.
I'd like to know your ways, Newbie. Maybe it will give me some ideas on how to find out for sure without hiring a professional spy.
Right now, you have to focus on protecting yourself. Emotionally, financially, spiritually....
At the same time, focus on your personal growth and learn as many new skills as possible. Use your time very wisely. The BombDrop triggered my personal growth and Divorce Remedy was the foundation of all my personal growth.
I have the book, but am not very far in yet.
Must of us arrive here with rose colored glasses. You have many people here that can help you see things from a different POV.
Yep, getting other points of view is one of the reasons I'm here.
Lots of LBSs have stated that a PA would be a bridge too far. Only to find out about a PA and start fighting even harder to win their WAS back. It is easy to say how you would react. But you really don't know until you are in that situation.
Lots of LBSs have stated that a PA would be a bridge too far. Only to find out about a PA and start fighting even harder to win their WAS back. It is easy to say how you would react. But you really don't know until you are in that situation.
Gosh Steve, I’m constantly preparing myself for the day I discover an OW because of you guys. I keep imagining my H telling me that there’s someone else. Right now I feel like I would have no reaction. But who knows!!!
Lots of LBSs have stated that a PA would be a bridge too far. Only to find out about a PA and start fighting even harder to win their WAS back. It is easy to say how you would react. But you really don't know until you are in that situation.
Yes, I can see how this would happen. Feelings can be much different when you are all of a sudden put in that situation. I've learned to never say never in life. That one has bitten me in the butt once too many times.
Ok, everyone, I need suggestions. I manage my emotions ok during the week because I'm busy with work. But the weekends are very hard. I feel like I go almost back to square one. I get so depressed that I lack the motivation to do anything, not that I do that much anyway as H and I have been homebodies for 21 years. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since he left. Is my weekend depression normal for this amount of time?
I know part of this is because there is still so much up in the air. He left, so I'm living in the house, but so far our finances and bills are still in a joint account, and we are still sharing the credit card account. And, all of his belongings except for some clothes are still here. i have no idea if he is going to continue to pay the mortgage and I don't make enough money. I don't want to move out and get my own place, because then I am not only losing him, but I would be losing living with our kids, I'd be losing my home, my dog and my cat. That doesn't seem fair when all of this is because of his decision.
Anyone that's been in this scenario have suggestions?
You are grieving the loss of the relationship/marriage and yes, it's normal to feel depressed and have your emotions bouncing all over the place. It's going to take a while before things settle down and you've mastered the art of detachment.
Have you given any thought as to what you would like to do on the weekends? Go to a movie, take up a hobby, finish up some things around the home that you've put on the back burner, visit some friends/family? Check the local paper and see what might be happening in your area. It's one second, one minutes and work up to one day at a time. No one is going to be happy all of the time and this is all new/fresh for you. Feel the pain, allow it to wash over you and then release it.
If you haven't already done this, you need to speak to a lawyer to see what your rights are, i.e., especially the kids and child support. Many of us have been in that scenario and we were all advised to set up our own accounts, i.e., bank and credit card, watch the expenses. If he's out on the street, do you really want to be responsible for paying for his credit card charges that are not related to you and the kids? If he runs those cards up and doesn't pay, you are still obligated to pay the charges because you are on the account. See a lawyer as soon as you can. Do not think that your h will be kind all of the time when it comes to finances. Eventually, he may very well want to cut the cord entirely and then you will be scrambling to figure things out....speak to a lawyer!!!!
You said that you do o.k. during the week when you are busy with work. So, you need to get busy on the weekends too! GAL, as they say. Try a new activity. Reconnect with an old friend. Go see a movie (yes, it's perfectly o.k. to go by yourself!) look up a class to take. The possibilities are endless. When my H first moved out, I planned activities every evening and something on Saturday and Sunday too. Now, I look forward to my time at home!
Bottom line is. Explore YOU!
And, please take Job's advice. Write out all your expenses, every single one, and see an attorney ASAP. Taking your name of your joint CCs is wise, and you can open one in your name only if you want. Take the attorney's advise on how to handle the bank accounts.
Hugs.
Grace