She has offered transparency but I haven't checked yet (I know, stupid I should have but just figured if she was hiding something she'd be clean when she just moved back in anyway).
She is deceitful. IDK if she has always been deceitful & manipulative, but she is now. Being back in the house did not flip any switches for her. Apparently, you thought it would. I'm trying hard to tell you not to believe everything she says, and not to trust her. She is not trustworthy, and she has to do the work to get there. It's HER work to do! She can't demand that you just start trusting her again. One of our former champions use to say, "Trust, but verify", which means never take just what she says as the truth. She hasn't made a transformation from waywardness yet. She might......but not as long as you keeping believing her b.s.
Because I found out by snooping I've tried to not do that.
I don't think you should check every day, especially if you can't handle what you might discover. Snooping becomes habit forming, and it's very unhealthy. If she agreed to transparency, then you need to see something that verifies she's being honest. Since you can't trust her word right now, the best bet is to check out the phone......preferably without her watching. Has she given all her passwords? Have you checked bills, in case there is a secret phone she's using? Has she written in her own hand, a letter to OM, stating their affair was the worst mistake she ever made, and for him to never contact her again, b/c she loves her H and wants to save her M? Of course, you would need to have the final read, and make sure you mailed it, not her. This is as "formal" of a breakup with OM as is allowed. There are no last meetings with OM, on the pretense of ending their A. She has to go cold turkey with NC.
There is more that will need to happen, but these are the first basic things. She's going to experience withdrawals, once she finally goes NC, and that will be the true test for her, and she may backslide on the contact, before she makes it. It depends on what you do. You couldn't continue giving her chances, if you know what I mean. One slip up, maybe. Two slip ups? You're done.
She hasn't moved everything back in yet and went to talk to her mum last night who knows about OM. She came back in floods of tears which made me think she'd chatted with OM over messages and her mum and decided to end it.
I bawled like a baby when I ended things, (I didn't send a letter, just went NC cold turkey). I had seen him as my last chance at happiness, so in my mind, my life was over. It was tough, I won't lie. But I did
get through the withdrawals, finally, and my H and I are still together. So, she can do it, too. I am here offering help while both of you go through the process. I can't write everything in one post, although Lord knows, I try. That's why you have to continue posting and reading, b/c the hard work hasn't even made a dent yet. It doesn't come overnight, but you can make it!
I remember Steve85 above saying how much it hurts when your W is mourning the loss of OM. I thought she was doing that last night, yep, hurts.
She's been home how many days? Yes, she'll drag around, feeling sorry for herself, and then watch out, b/c the withdrawals hit and she'll want contact with him worse than just about anything in life. That's why it's important for her to work on transparency. Transparency and support from my mentors got me through those times I was so weak. Once you know she's really trying, then you can offer support (and I'll share more about that later), but for now.....you need to wait and verify her activity. Stop swallowing what she says
as the truth. Seeing her sad, depressed, etc., is actually a good sign, b/c that's what happens when she's not in contact with OM. As long as she's pretending everything is perfect, (except for sex, of course), she's lying.
This morning she went out and then said she isn't sure about the M anymore and whether it would be "kinder to let me go". I now think she wants me but doesn't want to lose him rather than the other way round.
It's b.s. I said stuff like that, but it wasn't b/c I wanted my H. She's can't desire her H and OM at the same time. Men are wired to have sex with multiple partners. Women are physically capable of multiple partners, but her soul will only desire one man. In other words, she can't be in love with two men at the same time. That's how she
is wired. She may be carrying a torch for this other guy, but if you love her and want to save your M, then hang on and give it more time.
She's played it all down so much (and continues to play it all down) but I can't see why she isn't wanting to make the M work unless there is something stopping her. This wasn't obvious at first when she moved back - she seemed different. She's been different again last night/today though, like she's opened up to the idea of leaving OM. I find the whole thing so awful though but don't know if I'm reading everything correctly though, so can't call her out on anything. I go from thinking it's all over with OM and rationalising any fears due to classic betrayed spouse being sensitive to thinking it's still going on and reading the signs differently.
You are listening to her words, instead of hearing what we tell you. Your emotions are all over the place, b/c you are allowing them to make decisions, instead of your brain. (No offense)
The problem is her story is unchanging and a big part of me wants to believe her and help her. The other part is angry/hurt and very sceptical and it changes my approach all the time.
But it's her "story", not necessarily the truth. Are you hearing me when I tell you why there has to be a transparency plan in place?
- If she is having doubts should I ask her to move out again until she wants to work at M? She says she is struggling to be completely committed. I don't know whether OM is the cause of this or not conclusively, but if she is having doubts should I tell her to go?
Of course she has doubts, b/c she is still operating out of her emotions. Commitment is the important thing. That's much more than some guys get when they their WW goes back home. Transparency will eventually tell the story there. Why let her go just b/c she's feeling her first little pane of withdrawals? She's having a rough time, so bear with it a while.
As of last night she has started to show physical interest (despite what she's said!) Either to see what it feels like or because she is trying to figure out what she wants. Should I respond?
She's testing to see if she feels any desire
for you, and push feelings for OM aside. It's a cheap shot, IMHO, but it b/c she is so afraid she won't ever feel happy and in-love again. My advice is to tell her you think it would be better to wait a while. I mean, don't be rude or make her feel bad, but she's testing her feelings, and they aren't there yet. Doesn't mean it won't come, so don't get too down and out about what I've shared. I'm telling you the things your W will not tell you, okay? I've been where she is now. It's hard for both spouses.
- She has suggested moving out for a while to "sort her head out". Should I allow this? I've wondered what this would achieve. I've said it's up to her what she does.
My H told me if I moved out, there would be no coming back home again. I think your W may have to be told the same thing. But only if you can hold your word. I KNEW
my H wasn't throwing idle words around. Guess what? I didn't leave. She can sort her head just as good at home as anywhere else. This is WW code, meaning she wants to see OM again. Don't agree to it, and if she leaves, then move on with your life. Stop with the back & forth moves.
- She's said she wants me to tell her what to do and she'll do it - time away, a week together with 0 contact with anyone. She said she'll try anything, she just wants to get back on track. I thought this might be a good idea, but I don't want to force distance between her and OM. I need to find out more of what's going on I think.
She is willing, or says she's willing, so that is your clue to step up. I don't suggest you start going to a romantic get away, or anything like that, b/c she doesn't have those romantic feeling right now. Your job is to distract her from OM. Distant them all you can! Plan the evenings to be spent with friends of the marriage (not her leaving with other women for the evening). Just keeping it the two of you every moment may cause her to feel as if she's smothering. Plan on having others over for cookouts, playing board games, or whatever you do when friends are over. Keep the atmosphere light, causal, and incorporate as much fun as possible. Watch funny movies together. Don't watch serious romance stuff, or sad movies. Same thing about the music playing. Of course, you have to kind of judge her mood, and I don't know your personality, but keep things light-hearted as possible. There will be down times, of course, and don't get on her nerves clowning too much.
I don't know if she'd listen to you (it's a thin line right now), or read it for herself if you found the information, but it helped me to learn how being in an affair chemically affects your brain. There are hormones released that has the same initial feelings of falling in love. I can't explain it like the scientific facts, but it has been proven how affairs are addictive. That's why she feels so desperate to see OM......and why she will experience withdrawals. Although I still went had to go through the process, I just kept reminding myself (as well as my mentors reminded me) what was happening and that things would get better. If you google PEAs, I think you can read more about it. I didn't get too bogged down, b/c of all the science terms. Don't know how I would have responded if the it had been my H providing the information. Probably not near as well as coming from my board mentors.
I think it may be best to wait until she's much further along with withdrawals, but sometime in the very near future, you both need to attend MC. I'm talking about with the focus being on healing from an affair, not some everyday counselor that is basically pro-divorce and tells you to go find happiness out there. Both of you need to heal, and have solutions for old and future problems.
- I believe she is on the turn at giving the M another chance and finding the spark again, but if OM is still in contact that won't happen. Do I just hang tight in the current situation? Do I act affectionate as if I don't suspect what is going on or do I call her out on all this that I think. She will say I'm dreaming it though because I have no proof currently.
Well, I think I've already answered this, so I won't repeat it. Don't get too affectionate after going to bed. During the day/evening, you can give her nonsexual touches. Let her get used to the nonsexual, and don't go for more intimate touches right now. Don't act as if you suspect anything, or that you believe every word that comes out of her mouth. Put on your best poker face.
This period is where a couple needs to work on their friendship
, for lack of a better word. Don't jump off into deep water, trying to rekindle hot, passionate sex right off the bat. She's not ready, and may not be ready for some time. I hope not too long, for your sake, and for the sake of the MR.