My wife and I are just now, after 3 years of moving in and out of the house, filing for a separation. SC doesnt have an official, but you do a separation maintenance agreement, divorce lite, and when ready to file, the contract is there for family court to approve.
We have ahead a rocky relationship for the first 5 years of our marriage. Lack of intimacy, poor communication, and me toxic and abusive mentally to one child, my oldest step child. We got married when I was 35, she was 33. My first marriage. Now, 10 years later I have come full circle. Yes it took a while. We never put allot of effort into trying to fix things, as we thought we were, but in reality we werent. But, after my 3 year grand baby was born, everything changed.
Not that I hadnt changed already, but people started to see it as we were with the baby and my oldest step daughter a heck uv alot more. She and I get along great now.
So, my wife didnt have an affair, but she had a person cross the line with her online, and phone, but she never put a stop to it. I found out and called him out and he unfriended her, blocked and hasnt called for a couple months. She hasnt even tried. He is in another state and a rich investor, and she is a realtor.. But, it was out catalyst.
We decided do get a separation to force the issue of her getting all the bills in her name that need to be, and to force her not to rely on me so much. She pays her rent, always has, her car payment, now insurance and stuff. This starts the healing and as I call a trial divorce.
Strange thing happened though. We started communicating in ways we never had. She told me why she left me, and I gave her closure. I never knew why she left me, and she never asked for closure on somethings.
She needs to heal, and she told me her heart is hardened with a big wall around it. Her first marriage took 13 years to recover, no help, counseling etc. After talking for several times, she is actually opening up about her fears of losing me if her heart heals to another woman if we divorce. But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal ( can someone explain WTH that means?) She thinks if I date someone, I will fully embrace her and go forward. Right now that would be a rebound, unfair to everyone.
So, I am at a loss as to what to do. I am in Individual Counseling now, she is going to sign up she says, we shall see. She is 6- day a week busy..
Thoughts, comments?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks, Will start reading links provided.
So sorry you're here. Must be rough, hearing the woman you love plans to date others.
she is actually opening up about her fears of losing me if her heart heals to another woman if we divorce. But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal ( can someone explain WTH that means?) She thinks if I date someone, I will fully embrace her and go forward. Right now that would be a rebound, unfair to everyone.
You're Plan B. In her dream world, she dates around to find her Plan A while you wait as her Plan B. If you were to date around too, she may not have a Plan B safety blanket, spoiling everything.
Right now that would be a rebound, unfair to everyone.
Hmm. You decide what's right for you. It's a bit.. patrimonious.. to decide what's right for others? I was on Tinder for one day.. less than a month after my breakup.. and I had plenty of matches. The person who now calls me "boyfriend" was aware of this history and decided to take a chance. They will be rewarded.
I mean to say, be honest, decide what's right for you--and let others make their choices!
Yes it does. When you have known someone for 30, half of that being married its allot. I caused the failure in the marriage for the most part..
I dont want to push her wall up any hire, but, she knows I am not happy or agree with the dating thing.. I know how she is. She wont take anyones opinions on anything. She has to figure things out for herself.. We have been separated for a while, and not intimate for some time..
As of late we are seeing things in a different lite. She is seeing that work isnt as important as family. She and I just had a friend die last week, and it made her put a serious work contract on the back burner, just so she could go to the funeral.. This is not normal for her.. It hit her pretty hard.
But, within 2 months we have covered allot of issues and ground. Allot of clarity and forgiveness on the past..Nothing is Fixed per say, but, the table has less items on it now.
I guess my hurdle is to accept our marriage is over, due to separation, and let her do her thing which is find clarity and compare me to others. And for me to just find woman to date and see what the market holds.
One other thing we discussed, more me than her, was how are we going to do the separation. No contact or structured. She was adamant against no contact. But, she will be the one who doesnt rely on me for anything anymore. Unless its an emergency.
Hmm, that plan B statement has me thinking.... I need to stop analyzing, lol
Don’t do the rebound thing. Heal first. Don’t be the guy that self medicates by using other people. Yes stop analyzing just stick with she wants to date other men.....period.
Don’t do the rebound thing. Heal first. Don’t be the guy that self medicates by using other people. Yes stop analyzing just stick with she wants to date other men.....period.
Yes when she explained the dating thing, I shook my head and just dealt with it at the time. She said, its just going to non physical, non committal relationships. Just see other people to heal.. I will never understand that. My gut feeling believe her, as I knew her the last time she went through separation with her first husband. We werent dating, but we saw each other for lunches, dinners etc. Platonic. But, I digress.
My gut feeling believe her, as I knew her the last time she went through separation with her first husband. We werent dating, but we saw each other for lunches, dinners etc. Platonic. But, I digress.
It doesn't sound like getting to know you over lunches, dinners, etc. was harmless for the ex-husband.
Just see other people to heal.. I will never understand that.
Among those in new relationships, the speed with which they began their relationship was associated with greater psychological and relational health. Overall, these findings suggest that rebound relationships may be more beneficial than typically believed.
That said, I was shell-shocked at the first BD back in May'19 and would've been in no place to date.
Were you being sarcastic about the getting to know you during lunches etc. We saw each other but nothing more. I didnt marry her for almost 8 years after that, when I came back and was more permanent in area.
And the first bomb drop in May 19 that shell shocked you, what was it?
But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal Were you being sarcastic about the getting to know you during lunches etc.
Not at all. Dating other men is of course dangerous, physicality or no. My ex-wife was living with someone and in a long-term relationship when I met here. I'm sure me spending many afternoons and evenings with her and being open to dating made her decision to leave him and actually begin dating me easier.
And the first bomb drop in May 19 that shell shocked you, what was it?
It's all good and in the past now. May'19 my ex and I separated. I built myself up to win her back, and got to exclusively dating and spending 50% time together.. but she wasn't ready for a longer commitment AND still had her bad habits. In Nov'19 I moved on and Jan'20 I have a new girlfriend.
I get it. Just because she isnt physical with someone doesnt mean she isnt attracted etc to a future physical meeting.
Hey, I am trying to find any data, thread that Sand or anyone spoke of in regards to a WW (wayward wife or walkaway wife) who left not for an affair. I know Sandi talked of it in a series of threads starting with the first, but I couldnt find any more writing on it about the different approaches to dealing with the wife, LBH etc.
My wife walked away from me, and sometimes I have emotional hiccups and show my vulnerability. She has seen the changes in me for sometime, in my character. She has mentioned it many times and says she really enjoys my company again. But, she is not ready to let her wall down and come back... I am in IC and she will be soon, according to her.
We had no affairs, it was just a falling out over years of miscommunication and in the beginning, my toxicity with raising the oldest ( her biological daughter who hated me from the git go at age 15 when her mom and I married), to online relief for lack of intimacy.. Lots of trust and such went down hill.
I did find out one thing she never got over. She gave up a very good career to be with me and allow me to finish my career overseas. I cant believe I was that insensitive. I never fully appreciated that and let her know.
So, we are separated for 4 months now, getting along well, but not really moving forward? She does say things like, if we ever get back together, she does ask me about the past and such to get closure?
You'll get people here saying don't believe she's not having an affair. Most of them were burned by a spouse who was and their opinions can be a bit skewed. I have the same issue you do. My H and I have been separated for a lot of the same reasons and he never had an affair despite having the freedom and opportunity to. Mine went so far as to file for D. He hasn't finalized it or taken any steps to despite being able to now.
Your situation sounds promising for R. When you get the first response from a moderator with a bunch of thread links, read them. I didn't at first and I wish I had sooner. There are a lot of game changer type wisdom sprinkled in there. Good luck.
Newbie20. Thnx. There are allot of people who have affairs. I have known my wife for 30 years, 15 married.. I just knew her as an acquaintance, friend, nothing more during the first 10 years as I was in the Navy and was stationed in the same town as where she lived. She has never been promiscuous type.. I knew her before and of course being married to her, she is very much a lady.. But, I hurt her, and she left me with my daughters. But we see each other allot considering, and she doesnt hide her phone calls, text messages, shows them to me I guess to ensure the trust is there.. We spend time at her Mom n Dads, do holidays, B days etc etc.
If she is having an Affair, her Mom would have said, as she tends to let things out and is my wifes best friend. But, you never know... I just as soon not try to analyze something I cant answer.
We communicate real well now, something we never did before. We talk about everything from intimacy issues we had to raising the girls... Wish we had this type of communication early on. Ground work for going forward is much better. But, her heart is hardened and she doesnt want to let that down, as she says she has no control over it. She is fearful of being vulnerable again.. To anyone..
That will pass. You can short circuit the process by following the DB rules, such as distancing yourself, not allowing her to disrespect you (a big one!) and at least making an effort to appear to be going on with your life. I know, it's ridiculously hard to do. I hated it when people said, "work on yourself" and I still get annoyed when I hear that. You don't have to turn into someone she wouldn't recognize but do whatever you have to do to distract yourself and not pursue her. Make her feel the loss of you as an intimate confidante. From what I see, a lot of them when confronted with the reality of what they are doing snap out of it. Some don't. Probably depends on the degree of fantasy life they are living. Fortunately, you are not dealing with that.
I have been working on myself for some time. Clothing, lite gym work ( busted knees at work, makes some things difficult), counseling, thinking more positive daily, enjoying my kids and grand kids without her, traveling road trips with one of my daughters monthly, self counseling on bettering myself...
Cant do anything about balding, lol.. I just shaved it off years ago, which she liked..
So many things to become positive.. I am going to start getting out of the house more, even though I travel for work once in a while.. Live...
Hey Steve40,
I am also a newbie here. BD on the 10th Jan this year.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2881516#Post2881516She says it has built up over a few years. All the things she brought up I can link back to my mental state at the time, which I have been working on and have made lots of progress over the past 4/5 months.
I am struggling with the GAL but I guess it is still pretty raw but I know I need to just do it and give her the space she needs.
Keep on keeping on!!
Getting a life is easier than some think. Leave the house, start at the mall. Grocery shopping, test colognes at the mall. Take an Uber, go downtown, walk around, have a drink in a bar/cafe. Go eat new foods. Walk the parks, fly a kite.
Just dont dwell.. Enjoy life
Been reading intensely the Help for LBH who has a WW by sandi, etc. Holy cow. What an eye opener. Some posts are heart piercing. I see allot of hope, education and stuff that should have been brought up well before the marriage ever takes place. Marriage is a relationship one needs to constantly work on, never take a back seat too. The other person , as well as you, need to communicate.. Dont hold anything back.
Steve,
Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change your subject line within a thread at any time.
[quote=Steve40]My gut feeling believe her, as I knew her the last time she went through separation with her first husband. We werent dating, but we saw each other for lunches, dinners etc. Platonic. But, I digress.
It doesn't sound like getting to know you over lunches, dinners, etc. was harmless for the ex-husband.
Her husband was gone, in another state and not paying child support. He was , in all aspects gone completely. He was a drunk, did drugs, got neighbor pregnant. Just a bad man...
When you are the LBS and your spouse leaves you, what are words that can be said that makes them feel good, and not being chased or desperate talk.
Speak with Actions not Words.
Speak with Actions not Words.
Right on. She has stated my character and actions have been noticed. So, maybe actions do speak louder than words.
Thnx
Steve,
I have merged your threads together one more time. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change your subject line within a thread.
You only have 26 replies thus far on this thread. You still have 74 to go before you can begin a new thread.
If you do not know how to change your subject line, please notify/report to us with the new thread title and we will be happy to change it for you.
Can someone ask Sandi to review my thread for her insight?
Go over to Sandi's thread and post a request to her. Be sure to post the link to your thread for her. Here's the link to her thread:
Sandi's Reflections - Part 3
Thanks, Job, just did. I am still on her older threads.
But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal ( can someone explain WTH that means?)
That means she wants to sleep with other people...
But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal ( can someone explain WTH that means?)
That means she wants to sleep with other people...
Maybe, we just dont know. Have you ever been on dates where you didnt sleep with the other person? But, I am definitely reading what she wants to do. I am preparing for it... File separation, then file divorce if this is what she wants to do. I am accepting letting her go, and accepting divorce.. This site has helped me see the lite..
But, on the flip side, I would reconcile if she decides not to date, and decides to reconcile ( with all the proper signs saying she is willing too, if that makes sense)
But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal ( can someone explain WTH that means?)
That means she wants to sleep with other people...
Maybe, we just dont know. Have you ever been on dates where you didnt sleep with the other person? But, I am definitely reading what she wants to do. I am preparing for it... File separation, then file divorce if this is what she wants to do. I am accepting letting her go, and accepting divorce.. This site has helped me see the lite..
But, on the flip side, I would reconcile if she decides not to date, and decides to reconcile ( with all the proper signs saying she is willing too, if that makes sense)
Don't be in denial. mtb is right on here. It is hard to hear. My W was the same way in our sitch. A friend of mine who had had an affair and be WW herself in the past told me flat out: "Steve, she wants to screw other guys." Not something any H wants to hear.
DB your tail off and you might be able to turn around. Key word: might.
Such good posts.. Thnx guys.. I am going o go out on a limb and say, just maybe, you dont know why my wife would say that... Denial is easy to say as a arm chair quarterback on Monday.
I know why women date, to get their emotional fix in first, then physical, to put it lightly. Maybe, just maybe she is trying to get her self feeling better about herself after years of depression and uncertainty in our relationship.
But, I am already prepared... Trust me. I will be a gentlemen about it, if it happens..to her..I am in no need fo rconflict or depression anymore.
Such good posts.. Thnx guys.. I am going o go out on a limb and say, just maybe, you dont know why my wife would say that... Denial is easy to say as a arm chair quarterback on Monday.
I know why women date, to get their emotional fix in first, then physical, to put it lightly. Maybe, just maybe she is trying to get her self feeling better about herself after years of depression and uncertainty in our relationship.
But, I am already prepared... Trust me. I will be a gentlemen about it, if it happens..to her..I am in no need fo rconflict or depression anymore.
Steve, you asked the question. mtb answered it. We've seen a lot of WWs come through here, and EAs and PAs are almost always part of the equation. You've already said in your first post she had an EA. Very few people I know have an EA that they don't at least WANT to turn into a PA.
Maybe you are right and your W is in the .00001% that is an exception. I doubt it, but maybe.
P.S. I too was in denial, even after my friend told me flat out what I quoted above.
So I went out on a limb during my sitch and asked my wife flat out "Do you want to sleep with other people." Her answer? "I don't know."
Which was a "yes, but I don't want to tell you that."
I do appreciate the straight talk here. When she showed me all of her EA stuff, even after I looked at one part of it, it wasnt what I expected an EA to be.. Very vanilla. No sex, no nothing from her. Very lady like. But, he was very much a predator to me as I saw what he was doing. He was catering to her feeling positive, from education to career success. He has the highest of educational degrees from one of the top colleges in the the US. He is very smart, and well spoken.
He did cross the line a couple times, and she immediately shut him down. He did ask to meet up, but in another state, she shot him down.. If a woman was hitting on me like this, and I was in her state of mind, I would have been weak and went.. She didnt.. Maybe she is that .00001% woman, maybe not. But, until crap hits the fan, I will just wait and see what happens once separation paperwork is actually signed. As of right now, its in lawyers hands drafting up what we both agreed upon. And, she has clearly stated, she doesnt want a divorce, but she needs the separation to fully feel the loss of me in her life. She is 99% financially on her own, the 1% is nothing right now.
She and I have been floating or 3 years total on doing anything. She works 6 to days a week, lives with my daughter, and two of my daughters friends we took in.. Kids that just need help..
So, not everyone is promiscuous, some need genuine healing before getting involved with another person. After her frist marriage, she went 13 years, then she and I married. And after her first divorce, she dated one guy for a short period of time while she raised her daughter, by herself, had 3 different jobs and got a career going at a state college. Hard working type A.. Solid lady...
If our marriage does dissolve, than, so be it.. I wont give up till it is final.
I do appreciate the straight talk here. When she showed me all of her EA stuff, even after I looked at one part of it, it wasnt what I expected an EA to be.. Very vanilla. No sex, no nothing from her. Very lady like. But, he was very much a predator to me as I saw what he was doing. He was catering to her feeling positive, from education to career success. He has the highest of educational degrees from one of the top colleges in the the US. He is very smart, and well spoken.
He did cross the line a couple times, and she immediately shut him down. He did ask to meet up, but in another state, she shot him down.. If a woman was hitting on me like this, and I was in her state of mind, I would have been weak and went.. She didnt.. Maybe she is that .00001% woman, maybe not. But, until crap hits the fan, I will just wait and see what happens once separation paperwork is actually signed. As of right now, its in lawyers hands drafting up what we both agreed upon. And, she has clearly stated, she doesnt want a divorce, but she needs the separation to fully feel the loss of me in her life. She is 99% financially on her own, the 1% is nothing right now.
She and I have been floating or 3 years total on doing anything. She works 6 to days a week, lives with my daughter, and two of my daughters friends we took in.. Kids that just need help..
So, not everyone is promiscuous, some need genuine healing before getting involved with another person. After her frist marriage, she went 13 years, then she and I married. And after her first divorce, she dated one guy for a short period of time while she raised her daughter, by herself, had 3 different jobs and got a career going at a state college. Hard working type A.. Solid lady...
If our marriage does dissolve, than, so be it.. I wont give up till it is final.
Okay let's take the sleeping with another dude off the table, for the sake of argument. So you would still be okay with her dating?
Also, I am questioning this: "Solid lady..." We all romanticize how wonderful our WAS was/is. Yeah, a solid lady doesn't keep inappropriate messages going (by the way, my W "showed" me things too....conveniently having deleted what she didn't want me to see). So I am not even buying what she showed you. So she has inappropriate messages from another guy, told you she wants to date. And you still think she is a "Solid lady..."
I do appreciate the straight talk here. When she showed me all of her EA stuff, even after I looked at one part of it, it wasnt what I expected an EA to be.. Very vanilla. No sex, no nothing from her. Very lady like. But, he was very much a predator to me as I saw what he was doing. He was catering to her feeling positive, from education to career success. He has the highest of educational degrees from one of the top colleges in the the US. He is very smart, and well spoken.
He did cross the line a couple times, and she immediately shut him down. He did ask to meet up, but in another state, she shot him down.. If a woman was hitting on me like this, and I was in her state of mind, I would have been weak and went.. She didnt.. Maybe she is that .00001% woman, maybe not. But, until crap hits the fan, I will just wait and see what happens once separation paperwork is actually signed. As of right now, its in lawyers hands drafting up what we both agreed upon. And, she has clearly stated, she doesnt want a divorce, but she needs the separation to fully feel the loss of me in her life. She is 99% financially on her own, the 1% is nothing right now.
She and I have been floating or 3 years total on doing anything. She works 6 to days a week, lives with my daughter, and two of my daughters friends we took in.. Kids that just need help..
So, not everyone is promiscuous, some need genuine healing before getting involved with another person. After her frist marriage, she went 13 years, then she and I married. And after her first divorce, she dated one guy for a short period of time while she raised her daughter, by herself, had 3 different jobs and got a career going at a state college. Hard working type A.. Solid lady...
If our marriage does dissolve, than, so be it.. I wont give up till it is final.
Okay let's take the sleeping with another dude off the table, for the sake of argument. So you would still be okay with her dating?
Also, I am questioning this: "Solid lady..." We all romanticize how wonderful our WAS was/is. Yeah, a solid lady doesn't keep inappropriate messages going (by the way, my W "showed" me things too....conveniently having deleted what she didn't want me to see). So I am not even buying what she showed you. So she has inappropriate messages from another guy, told you she wants to date. And you still think she is a "Solid lady..."
If she starts dating, I would file for divorce, and let her know.. Dating is more for emotional attraction and such. Men are more into physical than women...
And, I looked at her threads/messaging etc with him, and archives, before she showed me, to see if she was going to show me the truth.. If that says anything. Granted it was Facebook, but she showed me her texts were all gone, including, name, number etc.
She did say, that when he was confronted by me via Facebook, his reaction was bad, I forgot the words she used, but said it showed was his intent really was and his character came out. Then she said, she could care less about him and blamed it on her heart being so numb.. She spoke to me about everything for 3 hours..I asked questions, she answered. Thats all I could do or expect after an EA..
I know my situation is ending, and hope is slim.. I get it.. Sometimes, good things do happen.
I am mentally exhausted at the constant analyzing, but am moving forward and GAL..
This forum does help significantly..
I do appreciate the straight talk here. When she showed me all of her EA stuff, even after I looked at one part of it, it wasnt what I expected an EA to be.. Very vanilla. No sex, no nothing from her. Very lady like. But, he was very much a predator to me as I saw what he was doing. He was catering to her feeling positive, from education to career success. He has the highest of educational degrees from one of the top colleges in the the US. He is very smart, and well spoken.
He did cross the line a couple times, and she immediately shut him down. He did ask to meet up, but in another state, she shot him down.. If a woman was hitting on me like this, and I was in her state of mind, I would have been weak and went.. She didnt.. Maybe she is that .00001% woman, maybe not. But, until crap hits the fan, I will just wait and see what happens once separation paperwork is actually signed. As of right now, its in lawyers hands drafting up what we both agreed upon. And, she has clearly stated, she doesnt want a divorce, but she needs the separation to fully feel the loss of me in her life. She is 99% financially on her own, the 1% is nothing right now.
She and I have been floating or 3 years total on doing anything. She works 6 to days a week, lives with my daughter, and two of my daughters friends we took in.. Kids that just need help..
So, not everyone is promiscuous, some need genuine healing before getting involved with another person. After her frist marriage, she went 13 years, then she and I married. And after her first divorce, she dated one guy for a short period of time while she raised her daughter, by herself, had 3 different jobs and got a career going at a state college. Hard working type A.. Solid lady...
If our marriage does dissolve, than, so be it.. I wont give up till it is final.
Okay let's take the sleeping with another dude off the table, for the sake of argument. So you would still be okay with her dating?
Also, I am questioning this: "Solid lady..." We all romanticize how wonderful our WAS was/is. Yeah, a solid lady doesn't keep inappropriate messages going (by the way, my W "showed" me things too....conveniently having deleted what she didn't want me to see). So I am not even buying what she showed you. So she has inappropriate messages from another guy, told you she wants to date. And you still think she is a "Solid lady..."
If she starts dating, I would file for divorce, and let her know.. Dating is more for emotional attraction and such. Men are more into physical than women...
And, I looked at her threads/messaging etc with him, and archives, before she showed me, to see if she was going to show me the truth.. If that says anything. Granted it was Facebook, but she showed me her texts were all gone, including, name, number etc.
She did say, that when he was confronted by me via Facebook, his reaction was bad, I forgot the words she used, but said it showed was his intent really was and his character came out. Then she said, she could care less about him and blamed it on her heart being so numb.. She spoke to me about everything for 3 hours..I asked questions, she answered. Thats all I could do or expect after an EA..
I know my situation is ending, and hope is slim.. I get it.. Sometimes, good things do happen.
I am mentally exhausted at the constant analyzing, but am moving forward and GAL..
This forum does help significantly..
Just keep working. It gets better. The harder you work at DBing, the better it will get.
Remember, believe nothing she says.
Thanks Steve85. I am gone for 3 more weeks over seas, so I have to wait to get back and use the books I ordered. I am diligently using this forum for many tools, suggestions, list and experience.
Before this forum I was self counseling for several years, and Google was throwing me into the abyss through different forums, threads, suggestions. This site makes sense. So many things hit the nail on the head.
And my IC I did years ago focused on me, but never focused on what I did to her, which was significant.
So, thanks to this forum, in so many ways..
One thing I have a bad habit of doing is analyzing. It will send me down a rabbit hole for one idea that seems interesting..
In my opinion, knowledge is power. If something could be done, I want to know. I am understanding to a much more detailed degree, as to what she went through to become a walkaway spouse.. I get it.. I think that helps me validate things to a finer degree. I have validated, but never really told her for over 3 plus years. I am too passive, and was just letting her find herself, thinking all would be good. Boy was I wrong..
If something could be done, I want to know.
I don't disagree that knowledge is power. You should try to know as much as you can, WITHOUT breaking DBing rules (IE pressure and pursuit).
However, what you did or didn't do in the past is irrelevant. All that matters is what you do from this point forward. As LBSs we always want to find the cause, so that we can fix it. There is nothing you can do to fix it. LBSs always feel a compunction to act. We call it the illusion of action. 9 times out of 10 the best thing you can do is to do nothing. Cadet likes to say to look at doing nothing as doing something. Sometimes flipping it on its head like that helps.
The more you give her time and space, back off and just DB (GAL, 180, detach) the better chance you will have at turning your sitch around. It is hard because it is counter-intuitive. As men every fiber of our being tells us that in order to fix things we have to act. But the divorce courts of full of couples where the guy tried to "act" his way out of the D. It just doesn't work the vast majority of the time.
Trust the process.
Trust the process, true.. Once I get going , one thing I am not sure, and I will read it, is what to do once she starts coming around. If it happens, I dont want to ruin it..
Trust the process, true.. Once I get going , one thing I am not sure, and I will read it, is what to do once she starts coming around. If it happens, I dont want to ruin it..
Good question here! Because we see this mistake A LOT from LBS. When she starts coming around.....YOU KEEP DBING. So many LBSs see their spouse come sniffing around and default back to the intuitive actions: pressure and pursuit. Read the distance/pursuit dynamic thread. When she starts coming around....don't stop what brung ya! You keep GAL. Your 180s. And remaining healthily, lovingly detached (Google: self-differentiation in marriage for an idea of what this should look like even in a healthy marriage!)
Trust the process, true.. Once I get going , one thing I am not sure, and I will read it, is what to do once she starts coming around. If it happens, I dont want to ruin it..
You need to stop thinking about it. It's only going to slow down your progress. You're getting ahead of yourself and planning for something that may not happen. Detach. Focus on you and your self growth. True detachment is not worrying about if she will come back or how you will handle it if she does. True detachment is knowing that you'll be fine either way. Once you reach that point, the chance of her returning are much higher. You've got a ways to go yet. Worry about that hurdle when you get there. Like they say on here, when she is truly ready to R, you will know. And you won't have to worry about ruining it because she will be willing to do anything to make things right. The ball will be in your court. The problem with a lot of LBS is more often than not, they ruin any chance they have by trying not to ruin any chance they may have. Drop the rope/expectations, GAL, stick to your 180's, and let her come back when she's ready...
Trust the process, true.. Once I get going , one thing I am not sure, and I will read it, is what to do once she starts coming around. If it happens, I dont want to ruin it..
You need to stop thinking about it. It's only going to slow down your progress. You're getting ahead of yourself and planning for something that may not happen. Detach. Focus on you and your self growth. True detachment is not worrying about if she will come back or how you will handle it if she does. True detachment is knowing that you'll be fine either way. Once you reach that point, the chance of her returning are much higher. You've got a ways to go yet. Worry about that hurdle when you get there. Like they say on here, when she is truly ready to R, you will know. And you won't have to worry about ruining it because she will be willing to do anything to make things right. The ball will be in your court. The problem with a lot of LBS is more often than not, they ruin any chance they have by trying not to ruin any chance they may have. Drop the rope/expectations, GAL, stick to your 180's, and let her come back when she's ready...
True, very true. Its been so long that I found something that makes sense.. Just feeling good about going forward, and I know I need to stop dwelling on the past and what may happen..
I went 2 days without texting or emailing her, but texted her and said Good Morning, how ya doing.. Then we talked about a few things unrelated to us or our situation via text, as I am overseas. It wasnt real difficult..
I do see, after reading how DBusting works and many threads on tactics, that she did the 180 for some time on me and was GAL, but it was for her, not to reconcile with me..
After her EA thing, and me finding out, everything came to light on us..
But, now, I need to as what is being suggested here. Its made her a somewhat stronger more independent woman.
I am very independent, but still have havent fully accepted the marriage as dissolving yet.
I went 2 days without texting or emailing her, but texted her and said Good Morning, how ya doing.. Then we talked about a few things unrelated to us or our situation via text, as I am overseas. It wasnt real difficult..
I do see, after reading how DBusting works and many threads on tactics, that she did the 180 for some time on me and was GAL, but it was for her, not to reconcile with me..
After her EA thing, and me finding out, everything came to light on us..
But, now, I need to as what is being suggested here. Its made her a somewhat stronger more independent woman.
I am very independent, but still have havent fully accepted the marriage as dissolving yet.
Not sure I am following this. She is the one DBing?
I went 2 days without texting or emailing her, but texted her and said Good Morning, how ya doing.. Then we talked about a few things unrelated to us or our situation via text, as I am overseas. It wasnt real difficult..
I do see, after reading how DBusting works and many threads on tactics, that she did the 180 for some time on me and was GAL, but it was for her, not to reconcile with me..
After her EA thing, and me finding out, everything came to light on us..
But, now, I need to as what is being suggested here. Its made her a somewhat stronger more independent woman.
I am very independent, but still have havent fully accepted the marriage as dissolving yet.
Not sure I am following this. She is the one DBing?
Actually this is fairly common occurrence for them to detach and get out and get a life.
My W was detaching and GAL in the beginning too. It's normal.
I went 2 days without texting or emailing her, but texted her and said Good Morning, how ya doing.. Then we talked about a few things unrelated to us or our situation via text, as I am overseas. It wasnt real difficult..
I do see, after reading how DBusting works and many threads on tactics, that she did the 180 for some time on me and was GAL, but it was for her, not to reconcile with me..
After her EA thing, and me finding out, everything came to light on us..
But, now, I need to as what is being suggested here. Its made her a somewhat stronger more independent woman.
I am very independent, but still have havent fully accepted the marriage as dissolving yet.
Not sure I am following this. She is the one DBing?
Actually this is fairly common occurrence for them to detach and get out and get a life.
This is what I see she did a long time ago.. But, I dont think she was looking for reconciling more than just getting a life and moving on..... So her path was just moving on.
I was re-reading some notes I took, and boy, some of the things she says correlate to many peoples posts here..
I wont go into depth, but emotions are definitely more important to women when it comes to being in love.. Looks are not as important, important, but not the most.
The ILYBANILWY speech should be taken to heart and worked immediately if your spouse ever says it to you.
And trust, when she states she will never let trust someone ever again that put a hurt on her heart.. Listen and take it a serious sign things are over. Not sure how anyone recovers from that.
So my take on the WAS' actions isn't about GAL and detachment, as much as it is about MOVING ON WITH LIFE and UNPLUGGING. Very different concepts. GAL and detachment are about focusing on you but not giving up on your marriage. WASs start with giving up on the marriage. They aren't so much DBing as they Marriage Busting. They want out (at least they think they do).
But I think it is important to remember there is a difference in disengaging and detachment. The WAS disengages. The LBS should be detaching.
Soooooo....
What is it that you want ???
Seldom do I read the first few posts from a newbie, without reading how much they love their spouse.
Yet, here I am......
What is it about THIS relationship, that you want so much ??
What is it that is driving you so hard to save this ??
Is it..
Love ??
Guilt ??
Obligation ??
Familiarity ??
Soooooo....
What is it that you want ???
Seldom do I read the first few posts from a newbie, without reading how much they love their spouse.
Yet, here I am......
What is it about THIS relationship, that you want so much ??
What is it that is driving you so hard to save this ??
Is it..
Love ??
Guilt ??
Obligation ??
Familiarity ??
Reality is I want a second chance.. I really love this women.
She and I have discussed my failures in the marriage, and hers. She has forgiven me for all but one.. So she says.
Doesnt mean we are getting back, and I am not dealing with hopium..
I had an epiphany the other day as to what she has become after we separated.. She has become the women I envisioned when I married her years ago.
But, I know, I am moving on, detaching and GAL.
I sometimes will put my thoughts to the thread.. Hope that is alright..
I had an epiphany the other day as to what she has become after we separated.. She has become the women I envisioned when I married her years ago.
That could mean a lot of different things....
I had an epiphany the other day as to what she has become after we separated.. She has become the women I envisioned when I married her years ago.
That could mean a lot of different things....
Its just me paying attention to her changes. When I first met her she was a workaholic, raising her first child by herself. No state help, nothing. Just worked and put herself through school and had a 3 jobs. When we got married, we decided it was best for her not to work due to cost of living, lack of pay for her work, in Hawaii. She became a stay at home Mom.
Not making her out to be a something she is not, but after seeing what she has become, I just noticed it. I wont share it with her, it was me observing something about her.
When she has a problem, she is not a lazy person. She puts 100% into whatever she has to do to get it done.
So my take on the WAS' actions isn't about GAL and detachment, as much as it is about MOVING ON WITH LIFE and UNPLUGGING. Very different concepts. GAL and detachment are about focusing on you but not giving up on your marriage. WASs start with giving up on the marriage. They aren't so much DBing as they Marriage Busting. They want out (at least they think they do).
But I think it is important to remember there is a difference in disengaging and detachment. The WAS disengages. The LBS should be detaching.
That makes sense... So many dynamics happening.. Hard to understand sometimes, especially when I dont have the book on hand.. I will soon.
Only positive thing we have going on is we are amicable, and she actually stated she has noticed changes for the positive..
Other than, its a long journey. WIsh we had seen, or she had seen, divorce busting and got us both involved in solving our marriage issues and realized it was solvable.
So my take on the WAS' actions isn't about GAL and detachment, as much as it is about MOVING ON WITH LIFE and UNPLUGGING. Very different concepts. GAL and detachment are about focusing on you but not giving up on your marriage. WASs start with giving up on the marriage. They aren't so much DBing as they Marriage Busting. They want out (at least they think they do).
But I think it is important to remember there is a difference in disengaging and detachment. The WAS disengages. The LBS should be detaching.
That makes sense... So many dynamics happening.. Hard to understand sometimes, especially when I dont have the book on hand.. I will soon.
Only positive thing we have going on is we are amicable, and she actually stated she has noticed changes for the positive..
Other than, its a long journey. WIsh we had seen, or she had seen, divorce busting and got us both involved in solving our marriage issues and realized it was solvable.
Since You don't have the book, I see you mention her noticing your changes. That's great! However, one thing that is key to DBing is you don't break two principles:
1) Never ever point out to her directly, "Look at the changes I am making!"
2) Never purposely demonstrate your changes to her. (IE, just make them part of who you are and she will take note).
That makes sense... So many dynamics happening.. Hard to understand sometimes, especially when I dont have the book on hand.. I will soon.
Only positive thing we have going on is we are amicable, and she actually stated she has noticed changes for the positive..
Other than, its a long journey. WIsh we had seen, or she had seen, divorce busting and got us both involved in solving our marriage issues and realized it was solvable.[/quote]
Since You don't have the book, I see you mention her noticing your changes. That's great! However, one thing that is key to DBing is you don't break two principles:
1) Never ever point out to her directly, "Look at the changes I am making!"
2) Never purposely demonstrate your changes to her. (IE, just make them part of who you are and she will take note).[/quote]
Makes sense.
She made comment that she noticed the changes and what caused those changes.. It was the birth of my grand baby, who is 3 years old last month..
And she has just recently had a co worker die that has known our family for about 10 years. That hit her hard, and she is saying its time to start living ( not focusing on work so much), and appreciating things more as you never know when you are going to pass. He and his wife live down the street. Cancer, very sad.. Good guy.
Life throws some curves at ya.. Family is definitely the priority.
Question on no contact and lettering her initiate cinversations. Will it work if she doesnt find you attractive and is emotionally detached, so she has said?
Question on no contact and lettering her initiate cinversations. Will it work if she doesnt find you attractive and is emotionally detached, so she has said?
I'm not sure what you mean by will it "work", it depends on what your expectations are. There are no tricks or quick fixes here. "No contact" isn't a technique to get her back right away. It's to help you detach and GAL and give her time and space while you work on yourself. It's also to help her learn to miss you. But you can't try it for a day or two and then start pursuing again, when you do that you reset the clock to zero. Many, MANY LBS's have done exactly that. "I'm no contact and it's not working, I started Saturday and didn't send anything for three days, then sent her four emails and 3 texts Tuesday and she didn't reply to any of them, so yeah no contact is a failure." No contact means NO CONTACT, PERIOD. For months and months and months until you don't even want to contact her anymore. Impatience derails more LBS's efforts than anything else.
Okay, I dont think i can do that. We have too many issues we deal with such as kids, grand kids and some medical issues with one daughter too..
I guess, I will just get a life, work on self, and if she notices it more and likes what she see, maybe, just maybe things will work out..... I have allot of patience, with the exception of analyzing. I have a bad habit of thinking too much, even when working etc...The past is the past, and I dont want to repeat the past, but some things require the pain to be worked on..
Okay, I dont think i can do that. We have too many issues we deal with such as kids, grand kids and some medical issues with one daughter too..
I guess, I will just get a life, work on self, and if she notices it more and likes what she see, maybe, just maybe things will work out..... I have allot of patience, with the exception of analyzing. I have a bad habit of thinking too much, even when working etc...The past is the past, and I dont want to repeat the past, but some things require the pain to be worked on..
I think you are missing the point. No contact never includes contact about logistics. "So-and-so has a Dr's appointment today." isn't the same as "Hey, hon, I thought maybe we could go to dinner tonight!"
Lots of LBSs with kids get that mixed up. Keep your communications to her business like. Keep it about the kids. The minute it starts to sway from business and logistics, you end: "Sorry, really busy, I will make sure so-and-so gets to their Dr's appoinment."
If she contacts you not about logistics, follows the typical rules:
1) Don't answer phone calls. IF she calls, follow up with a text: "Sorry, I was busy couldn't answer. What did you need?" If it is business and logistics, handle it concisely and quickly. If it isn't, and she texts back an informational text about anything else, do not respond. If she asks a direct question, answer her in as short of an answer as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. If she is trying to pin you down on something especially R related, remember to defer: "Sorry, can't answer that right now, I need some time as there is a lot to consider."
Can you go NC with kids? Absolutely. NC still counts if you keep communications about the kids.
She and I have discussed my failures in the marriage, and hers. She has forgiven me for all but one.. So she says.
Curious as to what this one thing is, if you don't mind sharing...
She and I have discussed my failures in the marriage, and hers. She has forgiven me for all but one.. So she says.
Curious as to what this one thing is, if you don't mind sharing...
She feels that the choices my oldest daughter made was due to my verbal abuse as a teenager.. My oldest made some poor choices, drugs etc. But, one thing that happened was a broken jaw( skateboard accident), which caused her to be dependent on some heavy drugs that were given to her for pain. And after her jaw was unwired, the Rx ran out, and well, she chose poorly..
Not totally my fault or hers, but she made poor choices, and we as parents didnt recognize what was going on.
I know what my wife is saying. My daughter and I get along very well now. She has forgiven me. Allot of it has to do with our mutual connection, her daughter/my granddaughter... Its bonded us very well..
I do believe my wife. She is a straight shooter. But, she is also non confrontational. She will avoid conflict, of which I was the opposite for a long time. I avoid it too, as it just isnt something worth it anymore, being right, or for whatever reason..I would rather be happy, compromise etc with my wife..Be an adult about things..
I know she has a hardened heart, is not trusting her heart with me, angry and just doesnt want to trust anyone to the degree of how vulnerable she was when we married. Terrifies her, as she is fearful of a repeat. We have talked. Without counseling , it took years from her first marriage to accept someone in her life.
But, as we all know. You never know what is on her mind. Only she knows..
Let ask you this.......
Before all of this happened could you believe she was capable of everything she has done? LBSs seem to always want to hold to this idealistic view of their WAS. It is very common, we see it on this forum all of the time. It is like they attribute the actions of their WAS that lead to their sitch to Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.
You cannot believe your W. Sorry. She has proven that for right now she is unreliable to give you the truth. That is what one of the first rules of DBing is "Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do." You know what they call people that believe people that have been proven to be unreliable?
Let ask you this.......
Before all of this happened could you believe she was capable of everything she has done? LBSs seem to always want to hold to this idealistic view of their WAS. It is very common, we see it on this forum all of the time. It is like they attribute the actions of their WAS that lead to their sitch to Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.
You cannot believe your W. Sorry. She has proven that for right now she is unreliable to give you the truth. That is what one of the first rules of DBing is "Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do." You know what they call people that believe people that have been proven to be unreliable?
I understand what you are saying. She is definitely a different woman, and she has had an EA, of which I found out before she told me.
My gut tells me different things daily.. With the dynamics of where she lives, her work schedule, age (health, retirement, my changes ((as she has noticed)) and such, I just see her doing a weigh and close on us allot..
If I am a plan B, over time I will find out.
But, in the mean time, I will/am moving forward.. I am not ready for a new romance/relationship, I know that, but that doesnt mean I cant look at the menu and move on..
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me. I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time.
Yes, its a working relationship regardless of which way you both go
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me.
Steve is right, while the wife you used to know might never lie or gaslight or deceive this new version of her may very well engage in all of that and more. This is something I really struggled with after BD because my "old" W was honest and forthcoming to a fault. There were no secrets between us. But after BD she behaved in ways that were completely alien to the person I thought I still knew. It was very confusing for me. But the bottom line is harsh or not, you really can't trust her. She doesn't see herself as married anymore so her loyalties no longer belong to you.
I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time.
Oh yes, absolutely. It IS difficult. Steve can tell you!
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me.
Steve is right, while the wife you used to know might never lie or gaslight or deceive this new version of her may very well engage in all of that and more. This is something I really struggled with after BD because my "old" W was honest and forthcoming to a fault. There were no secrets between us. But after BD she behaved in ways that were completely alien to the person I thought I still knew. It was very confusing for me. But the bottom line is harsh or not, you really can't trust her. She doesn't see herself as married anymore so her loyalties no longer belong to you.
I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time.
Oh yes, absolutely. It IS difficult. Steve can tell you!
Since she walked away, and had an EA, we just cant trust her. Okay..
And its even more difficult to retrust her if she comes back.... I am sure there are guidelines for the return of walk away spouse..
As far as the BD, when she left me, I honestly just accepted it. It wasnt really a bomb drop, where I was freaking and trying to keep her around.. I just said, okay, as she was saying she needed time alone. Hell, I even helped her move... to her new place. I only went over there a couple times within a year to pick her up for a family function.. This last time, I didnt even help her move.. No financial or physical help. I just said, okay, bye..
The only BD even we really had was the EA, which , from what I saw was along distance safe non committal relationship. It was a self esteem feed me what I want to hear relationship. I read her conversations before she knew I knew. And, I am over it already.
Maybe I am too passive and not aggressive enough. Makes sense as I was riding the marriage wave not really communicating well.
Hindsight is truly 20/20, and this forum is definitely helping me see the light.
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me. I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time.
Yes, its a working relationship regardless of which way you both go
As AS says, I have experience in this. It is difficult. Trust is a hard one dynamic that is lost in a moment. A twinkling of an eye.
So if she does eventually come back, you never EASE out of DISTRUST. There is nothing easy about rebuilding trust. It takes two things: consistent behavior.......and LOTS of time.
In my sitch, my very honest, never lie W, turned into a liar and a cheater. I still loved her, but for several weeks she was nothing but a liar and a cheater. I made excuses for her. "She is on medications making her do this." "She is in a MLC." "She is confused and doesn't really know what she wants or is doing."
Some of that, or all of it may have been true. Fact was, no matter the cause, she was a liar and a cheater.
So when she started coming out of that we were in MC, and we talked about rebuilding trust. She had to show consistent behavior over a long period of time. If you read my threads you'll see I still didn't fully trust her....including up to last summer when she had another slip up! Found because of my mistrust and I snooped.
She now has given me full transparency into all of her accounts. I haven't snooped since.
Consistent behavior on her part over a long period of time.
On a side note, when we dont believe them or trust them after walking away, that seems harsh to me. I understand it, but, if they eventually want to come back, easing out of the distrust wipl be difficult, especially if you have been separated for some time.
Yes, its a working relationship regardless of which way you both go
As AS says, I have experience in this. It is difficult. Trust is a hard one dynamic that is lost in a moment. A twinkling of an eye.
So if she does eventually come back, you never EASE out of DISTRUST. There is nothing easy about rebuilding trust. It takes two things: consistent behavior.......and LOTS of time.
In my sitch, my very honest, never lie W, turned into a liar and a cheater. I still loved her, but for several weeks she was nothing but a liar and a cheater. I made excuses for her. "She is on medications making her do this." "She is in a MLC." "She is confused and doesn't really know what she wants or is doing."
Some of that, or all of it may have been true. Fact was, no matter the cause, she was a liar and a cheater.
So when she started coming out of that we were in MC, and we talked about rebuilding trust. She had to show consistent behavior over a long period of time. If you read my threads you'll see I still didn't fully trust her....including up to last summer when she had another slip up! Found because of my mistrust and I snooped.
She now has given me full transparency into all of her accounts. I haven't snooped since.
Consistent behavior on her part over a long period of time.
Thanks again Steve. The digital age surely makes things difficult for trust.. So many dark avenues to follow and be enticed by. Many predators out there too... many men/women pray on weak people for their own self pleasure..
After looking at many other threads, I think I have the trifecta of wives. WAS, MLC and Depressed.. MIL stated she was/has been losing allot of weight, and is waking up every morning with the impending doom, and acutely aware of her life being screwed up( for over a year). She is at the age too for MLC..
I hope when I go through MLC people recognize it and get me through it..
The person going through the MLC never sees it. In fact, to them it isn't a crisis at all. Most view it as an awakening. Many even describe it as clear thinking. "I've never seen things so clearly not really every knew what I wanted. Until now."
This is why the worst thing you can say to someone that is going through a midlife crisis is "You're going through a midlife crisis."
The bottom line is that no matter why someone is making the choices they are making that affect others, it is still their choice to make.
LBS don't like to hear that, but that is a fact. Whether it is a MLC. Or depression. Or just a sudden urge to find other people to sleep with, everyone gets to choose for themselves. Whether that destroys a family or not. What the LBS gets to do is to decide how to react to it. B Having been through it twice now I can tell you that fighting them on it gets you no where. All you can do is leave them alone to figure it out, while you work on learning how to healthily moving on. Through DBing: GAL, 180s and detachment.
That doesn't mean you've given up on your marriage only that you've accepted that they have.
I am definitely getting on with my life. She knows deep down I love her, respect etc etc, she has seen allot of positive changes, has forgiven me for all but one issue. The decisions she makes in life from here on out will not be manipulated by me.. She loved me once before, so if she wants to go forward with me, she will let me know.
But, in the mean time, I am going forward.
Steve85, can you put one of your links that may be able to explain the phase I am in that you went through.
I think my wife is having second guesses and such and is really confused. So many factors in life, from security to health insurance are playing parts in her mind... I think even though she has left the marriage, she is doing a weigh and close on us, as well as moving on to an unknown partner in life, if we get divorced, of which I think it is.
You described my entire sitch, up to when she finally started coming back to the marriage:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=61151&Number=2778449#Post2778449
Steve85, Man, reading your thread brings allot of heartache to my current situation. One key thing is the time of our separation is technically about 2.5 years. She has been in and out of the house 3 times.. This is the last time, as I plan on selling the house, and finding something where my kids will want to come and chill, grand kids too.
I saw this quote "My gut tells me I may not have the patience or long suffering to wait for her. Though she continues to reluctantly lean toward staying and working on the MR, she still has her fantasy of a new life at 50yo. (she turns 50 next month). Having her own place, etc. I think as I've improved things here at home (and they have been 10 times better since BD) she has started let go of that a bit, but changing your mind is hard to do. She isn't quite ready to buckle in for the long haul yet. "
I may not want to continue this. I love her, truly do, and I love what she has become, the women I initially thought I married. Other than leaving me and the EA issue.. She has become the strong working, take no prisoners wife. She has said she is a changed woman. She is on top of everything being said in threads here. The only thing she has noticed as of late is I have changed.
I told her, as I am overseas working, that I was going out, site seeing and doing some old hobbies of mine, watching races. She was excited for me. Made me feel like she was thinking, great, he is moving on..
I do need to quite analyzing. But, If she is depressed, MLC etc and she doesnt want me to be there, here, etc for/with her, moving on is the easiest thing to do, and somehow let her know, I am done.
There has to be a way to convey my thoughts to her without her thinking I am pursuing her etc.
But, I need to move on, for the betterment of me.... Too much drama, time consumption of my life..
Patience is the key. You have to work the process. It doesn't matter if you are 2.5 years in or if things turnaround fairly quickly like they did for me. Again, I started DBing 2 days after BD. Most LBSs come here after weeks and months of the usual mistakes.Every mistake is a big setback. I had many, no question. But after 2 days I started working to detach. I really bought into GAL in a way I hadn't in years, and obviously 180'd on bad behavior.
Patience is the key. You have to work the process. It doesn't matter if you are 2.5 years in or if things turnaround fairly quickly like they did for me. Again, I started DBing 2 days after BD. Most LBSs come here after weeks and months of the usual mistakes.Every mistake is a big setback. I had many, no question. But after 2 days I started working to detach. I really bought into GAL in a way I hadn't in years, and obviously 180'd on bad behavior.
Okay. Patience and work the program. Just seems difficult, and God knows what she is thinking.
I need to get home, get the book and follow a guideline. I have a whole bunch of notes on my laptop. Its like cramming for a final. But this final is a Make it or Break it.
Patience is the key. You have to work the process. It doesn't matter if you are 2.5 years in or if things turnaround fairly quickly like they did for me. Again, I started DBing 2 days after BD. Most LBSs come here after weeks and months of the usual mistakes.Every mistake is a big setback. I had many, no question. But after 2 days I started working to detach. I really bought into GAL in a way I hadn't in years, and obviously 180'd on bad behavior.
Okay. Patience and work the program. Just seems difficult, and God knows what she is thinking.
I need to get home, get the book and follow a guideline. I have a whole bunch of notes on my laptop. Its like cramming for a final. But this final is a Make it or Break it.
You have the right idea. The most important thing is to learn. Many of us became voracious readers. R2C was probably the most voracious, but I was going through 2-3 books a month myself. Some on relationships, some on self-improvements, etc.
Most books took me a week or less to read. That is part of your GAL, read read read.
Getting a life also involves health.. Once I get out, go fishing, hiking, shooting or whatever it will improve my mind..
I need a vacation too. Havent had one in years.
If all works out with wife and I, I hope to report back in the future.. Actually regardless, I will report here as much as I can..
And IC will help me go forward, once I tell him where I want to go..
MOst of all, keep working at DBing. The better you get at DBing the better you'll feel. And in the vast majority of cases it has a huge effect on the WAS too.
Lets hope so. After 2.5 years, I am actually feeling good about me, but not so sure where she is in her life is ever going to be on the same path.. But, quit analyzing, and go forward..
Went shopping today for some nice shirts... Felt good, had coffee and people watched with co worker... Good times getting out of the house, hotel etc..
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Advice during separation from WAS