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Healing after S/D

Posted By: kas99

Healing after S/D - 01/10/20 10:33 PM

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2876578&page=11

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K,

If your a CPA how come youíre not making good money?


I was a homemaker for 15 years and had to start over. I'm not even working as a CPA I have a government job with liberal time off, a pension plan, great insurance and I live 10 minutes from work. I could make more money working as a CPA in the city but once I add in the cost of my benefits and commuting costs it's a wash. I'm a single parent and going to have to work until I'm 75 so it's best I stay where I'm at.

It is mind boggling that I can't support myself on this salary. <off to check my budget again>
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/10/20 10:49 PM

If I move to the ghetto and live on ramon noodles I can support myself on what I make. This is my plan once the kids move out on their own so whatever alimony I get will be extra.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/10/20 11:00 PM

So back to taxes....how did you file while separated? We've lived apart for 8 months, I've paid for half of the expenses, and I have no problems bending rules.
Posted By: job

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/10/20 11:30 PM

I filed separately. My xh didn't realize that when I filed separately, he wouldn't be getting a large refund. In fact, he ended up paying.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/11/20 04:36 AM

Originally Posted by job
I filed separately. My xh didn't realize that when I filed separately, he wouldn't be getting a large refund. In fact, he ended up paying.


This is brilliant. Love it!!

In my case I'd owe as well so not really something I want to do but am considering it. I want us both to file head of household (he gets one kid and I get two). He'd get the child tax credit but I'd get EIC so we both win. We haven't lived together for 8 months and the rest is up for interpretation. It's all crap anyway I just want to file first and preferably not with him.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/14/20 08:12 PM

I saw WAH yesterday (first time since July). Just a glimpse as it was dark and I was dropping D14 off. S19 was trying to leave and WAH was standing outside his car talking.

WAH is an avoidant who thought he was better than me because he was so independent. When I complained about his distance he'd make excuses or shrug his shoulders and say "I just don't need that" or blame me. The first feeling that popped up when I saw him last night was I'm glad I'm no longer humiliating myself begging for attention from a man who thinks he is better than me (good)

...and then I remembered about the OW (bad). Am I the reason he was distant? Did I break him or was he like this when we met? Will he be better with someone else? Is this all my fault?

I want to stop taking 100% of the blame for why he left. My biggest complaint was being last on his list of priorities and he did a great job convincing me that I would have ranked higher had I been "nicer".

The OW is getting plenty of attention now but I got it too in the honeymoon period which did end. My kids are nice and he blows them off?? Before and it's worse now obviously.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/14/20 08:27 PM

Hang in there K! You are getting stronger.
Posted By: hoosjim

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/14/20 08:39 PM

Agree with LH... You sound stronger and better. Keep up the fight! Be strong!

Thoughts and prayers to you and your kids!

V/r

--HJ
Posted By: FlySolo

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/14/20 08:59 PM

Originally Posted by Kas99
...and then I remembered about the OW (bad). Am I the reason he was distant? Did I break him or was he like this when we met? Will he be better with someone else? Is this all my fault?


Kas, I am a distancer by nature. When I am threatened or scared or hurt, I shut down. This includes shutting down conversations where I am uncomfortable or have something to hide. I avoid or when pushed give a close ended answer is shut the conversation down. I do it today when he asks me things - like asking me about the house. I do it when I don't have an answer or when I know it could lead to a conversation I don't want to have. Distancing is about protection. I do it to protect myself, my ego or the narrative I've spun in my head. It is not your fault. He did not engage because it may lead to a conversation or an outcome he didn't want or wasn't yet ready to face.

Will he be better with someone else. Who knows. If he has done the work and comes out of the other side more evolved, then maybe. That is outside your control. All you can do is work on you. If you do that, then you will definitely come out better the other side. And then it won't be a case of whether you are better of with someone else, it will be a case of you are just better off.

Is some of this your fault? Probably. No single person is 100% responsible for the breakdown of an R. We all contribute (to varying degrees). But he quit the R. That's on him. He has to live with it.

But you need to get to a point where you recognise and own your contributions. This isn't me having a go at you. Sometimes we have to look inside and see ourselves, warts and all so that we can work on becoming a better person I am a distancer - I am trying not to be, not just with him (tbh - I am still a distancer here), but with every other uncomfortable interaction I have. I make an effort to listen to hear people's stories and interact positively with them. I try and be more appreciative of what I have and the people that are in my life (and yes, even my H). There are a hundred and one areas where I fell short in our marriage - I am working on changing those. If I ever get an opportunity to have another meaningful R (with my H or with someone else) then I know I will be a better partner. History will not repeat.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/14/20 09:30 PM

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Kas, I am a distancer by nature. When I am threatened or scared or hurt, I shut down.


When hurt most of us fight, flight, freeze or fawn. You fly (no pun intended on your user name).

You're not an avoidant. An avoidant deliberately sets up their lives to avoid intimacy. These are mostly men and they are the ones who work 80 hours a week.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/14/20 09:35 PM

Originally Posted by LH19
Hang in there K! You are getting stronger.


Peeked in your dating thread and I'm in the same head space as you today. I don't post much of those type thoughts here because on newcomers people (generally) tend to point out that my focus is once again incorrect but on the after D forum people tend to be a bit more forgiving. I don't really belong here but I don't think I belong there yet either hence why I intrude on your thread. smile
Posted By: kml

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/15/20 06:53 PM

K - re: finances

I hope you have an order for temporary support? If not, your attorney should file one now. Also, don't be "nice" to your H in the negotiations - many people make the mistake of thinking that if they don't ask for too much maybe their ex will come back. You actually want to start by asking for a bit more than what you want so there's negotiating room. You were a team and your work as a SAHM was equally important as his.

As for your job - sounds like you've thought out the pros and cons, a lot to be said for good benefits and a 10 minute commute. Take a look at the Mr Money Mustache website and forum. It's a great place to start thinking about your finances and how to reduce expenses.

Some things to consider:
1) IF there is enough money for H to pay you a lump sum rather than alimony (assuming he makes more than you and would have to pay you alimony) - take the lump sum. My ex paid me alimony (because there wasn't enough money for him to pay me a lump sum) and his aggravation at having to send me that monthly check resulted in him sticking me with EVERY extra expense for our adult children as a form of payback. I think our relationship would have been better if he'd just had to pay me one lump sum at the beginning.

2) Don't take all your share as equity in the house. It's very tempting because no one wants to move or displace the kids, but think very carefully about whether it is the right move for you. Here's the nightmare scenario - housing prices are high right now. You accept housing equity instead of cash but still have a mortgage. A year from now you lose your job or become disabled. The house ends up in foreclosure and you lose all of that equity. OR the housing market takes a fall (it's very over-valued right now) and you have to move in a couple of years for some other reason - and have to sell at a lower price, losing all that equity. Unless you would end up with no mortgage (or a very tiny payment) and are confident in your job security where you are (and your desire to stay there after the kids are gone), I'd take cash rather than housing equity. At least consider all the options. Sometimes the judge will allow you to stay in the home with the kids until they are all over 18, then sell and split the housing equity.

3) Don't forget to get your share of any pension or retirement savings ex accrued during your marriage.

4) Stop thinking this is about you. It seldom is - it's usually about the WAS and THEIR issues. This IS, however, a great time to do a personal inventory, step out of your rut, try something new. When my ex left after 26 years, I bought a drum kit and learned to play the drums in an adult rock band class (think "School of Rock" but for grownups). I played in an amateur pop-punk band for several years, and also eventually began playing with my best friend who is a professional singer-songwriter. I've toured with her and opened for famous musicians, I now also play vibraphone and glockenspiel. Go out and do something you have always wanted to do, maybe something your ex was keeping you from with his negativity or time demands. Modeling for your kids moving on in a resilient way is the best thing you can do for them.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/15/20 07:35 PM

Wow, first time you've seen him since July?? That's crazy considering the two of you live in the same general area. Hopefully it didn't send you spinning all over again, sounds like you handled it well enough.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/15/20 09:40 PM

I'm spinning and have been off/on since last Friday.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/15/20 11:01 PM

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Wow, first time you've seen him since July?? That's crazy considering the two of you live in the same general area. Hopefully it didn't send you spinning all over again, sounds like you handled it well enough.


I am spinning and I think I know what's wrong. I'm a single parent as I have been since he left but now one of my kids doesn't live with me. He treats D14 like a pet. He brings her fast food before going back out again. She now wants to move in with me but it's going to take a few months to work that out so for now I pick her up after work and I take her home before bed. This puts me at WAH's house twice a day now. He's rarely home which is why I never see him.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/16/20 02:40 PM

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I hope you have an order for temporary support? If not, your attorney should file one now. Also, don't be "nice" to your H in the negotiations - many people make the mistake of thinking that if they don't ask for too much maybe their ex will come back. You actually want to start by asking for a bit more than what you want so there's negotiating room.


I cancelled the temporary support hearing back in May to "nice" him back so now I had to file for D. Now that I know there is OW, a promotion and 2nd job I'm going for everything (told you he was stupid). My state is a true fault state so I filed with grounds. Without grounds he doesn't have to give me a D. He could just say "no" and drag this out until he was ready.

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As for your job - sounds like you've thought out the pros and cons, a lot to be said for good benefits and a 10 minute commute. Take a look at the Mr Money Mustache website and forum. It's a great place to start thinking about your finances and how to reduce expenses.


My pathetic budget has 10 lines. I'll get more CS and after that ends I'll move to the ghetto. Obviously this all depends on how much alimony I get but I'm bracing for worst case scenario.

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1) IF there is enough money for H to pay you a lump sum rather than alimony


Not enough.

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2) Don't take all your share as equity in the house.


He screwed me over. Talked me into selling the house, helped me get a job then walked out (took 6 months). This was part of our retirement plan (he just bumped it up a few years and I bought it).

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3) Don't forget to get your share of any pension or retirement savings ex accrued during your marriage.


He has a pension that I'm entitled to but it is not subject to ERISA. I'm not sure how that works but like in your case this number dilutes the longer he works. He hasn't been served yet so I'm not to this point yet but I am aware.

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4) Stop thinking this is about you. It seldom is - it's usually about the WAS and THEIR issues. This IS, however, a great time to do a personal inventory, step out of your rut, try something new.


Everything feels like it's about me because as I'm realizing in IC he kept me in the one down position. He "saved me" and since I wasn't grateful or good enough he left. Blamed this all on me and I can't get it out of my head.

Right now, 3 months after largely cutting me off financially and finding out about the OW, I'm struggling to get through the day. I'll do better then I crash. Right now I'm crashing.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/16/20 03:08 PM

S19 is aspergers and gets worse when stressed. He started back college this week and his anxiety is up. My house is small and it's louder now with D14 there everyday. We've always had big houses so this is a big adjustment. WAH is never home so D14 is going to move back in with me. S19 was okay with this but with the added stress he's upset. He doesn't want to move.....again but he has to. D14 is my kid too and her current situation isn't okay with me (or her).

Until WAH brings his R out into the open he will stay gone. He was gone when I picked D14 up, home when I dropped her off. She forgot her watch so I took it back. He was gone and it was 10:30 pm.
Posted By: FlySolo

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/16/20 03:09 PM

((Hugs))

I canít offer much advice, but Iíve been there (still am) but it does get easier. I promise. Youíve come so far since you started here,m. I hear strength (and a little anger and bitterness, but mostly strength. You should be proud of that.

X
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/16/20 05:02 PM

Originally Posted by FlySolo
((Hugs))

I canít offer much advice, but Iíve been there (still am) but it does get easier. I promise. Youíve come so far since you started here,m. I hear strength (and a little anger and bitterness, but mostly strength. You should be proud of that.

X


I'm 9 months out from BD and the anger/bitterness hit in one week (mid Nov). I'm taking that anger and fighting for me, my kids and their pets. He almost got away with all of this but he's stupid. Moved a mile away and forgot our kids aren't babies. In one month they found out about the OW and the promotion. I filed the next Monday.

Called Chancery court and he hasn't been served yet. I'm trying not to worry.
Posted By: rooskers

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/16/20 07:05 PM

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I'm 9 months out from BD and the anger/bitterness hit in one week (mid Nov).


I am 8 months out and I completely understand. Anger/Bitterness still hits me but each wave I experience is a little bit less. I am so sorry kas because I know that once divorce proceedings start it will feel like the grieving process begins from square one. I try to read and listen to the people who have been at this for a long time and believing that things will get better but I know how hard it is to trust the truth of it.

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I'm taking that anger and fighting for me, my kids and their pets. He almost got away with all of this but he's stupid. Moved a mile away and forgot our kids aren't babies.


I don't know about you but the scariest thing for me is when/if I don't have to fight anymore. What happens if he makes the correct changes and starts being a responsible father and the children start to develop a healthy relationship with him. Will you be able to accept that and let the anger and bitterness go? So many times I feel that is the only thing I have left of someone I cared so deeply for and if I let that go there will be nothing left. You have come so far kas stay with it.

Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/16/20 07:59 PM

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I am 8 months out and I completely understand. Anger/Bitterness still hits me but each wave I experience is a little bit less. I am so sorry kas because I know that once divorce proceedings start it will feel like the grieving process begins from square one. I try to read and listen to the people who have been at this for a long time and believing that things will get better but I know how hard it is to trust the truth of it.


Your D went quick so I'm aiming to push mine through fast as well. If he drags his feet I'm going to push for a trial date. I already have my witness list prepared. I just want this done.

Today I started thinking about dying again (triggered by a show I was watching at lunch and talking to S19). I'm not going to kill myself but dang this is hard. I just want the pain to stop. I want to feel better.

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I don't know about you but the scariest thing for me is when/if I don't have to fight anymore. What happens if he makes the correct changes and starts being a responsible father and the children start to develop a healthy relationship with him. Will you be able to accept that and let the anger and bitterness go? So many times I feel that is the only thing I have left of someone I cared so deeply for and if I let that go there will be nothing left. You have come so far kas stay with it.


lol roosters we are married to the same type selfish people and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that its unlikely our ex's will ever have healthy relationships with our kids. I think my H likes the idea of being a great father more than actually being one. Kids just get in the way of what he wants to do which is make a lot money and screw other women.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/16/20 09:25 PM

Look it's hard not to be bitter when he's paying me just enough money to keep me off the street while he plays big spender. He knows up until I moved I saved everything he gave me so he thinks until that is gone he shouldn't have to up his support. First of all that's not how it works. Second of all I have to pay for a D I didn't want. And lastly its not HIS money it's OUR money.

I stayed at home for 15 years raising HIS kids while he built his career from scratch. I'm the reason he's in the financial position he's in now. I'm the reason he is debt free. I have paid off HIS debt THREE times. Me. Once with my own money and two by pinching pennies with his. I baked from scratch, clipped coupons, used cloth diapers and now he wants to play lord over how much food I get. Yeah I'm pissed.

I am going to live in the ghetto (after CS ends) and I will once again save every penny he gives me. I will rebuild. All I need is an understanding judge who believes the dividends are marital money. Send happy thoughts my DB friends.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/16/20 10:28 PM

By rebuild I mean rebuild my financial security and priorities. Iím 53 and the American dream never appealed to me. Iíd rather spend money on experiences than stuff.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 05:27 AM

I'm going to buy a house. Wow I went from being terrified to rent one to wanting to buy one. Look at me grow. lol

Started crunching numbers, planning, shopping, and I got excited. Obviously this all hinges on how much support I get. I'm thinking I'll rent until at least one kid moves out and I'll buy a small house. This will give me time to save money. I'll get a 15 year mortgage that I can pay on my salary alone (worst case scenario) but my goal would be to pay it off in 10. If all goes according to plan I'll have a paid off house by the time I'm 70. At that point I could retire. Amazing right??
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 02:22 PM

Yesterday I was admiring a picture in my coworker/friends office. She commented that they had another one at this thrift store next door. Had to go to the bank and when I got back there was the picture hung on my wall. smile

I work with some amazing people which is another reason I'm staying here. We all live close by and if I had a flat tire or something they'd come pick me up. If I got a job in the city I wouldn't have this luxury. I'm sad still but I am blessed.
Posted By: FlySolo

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 04:27 PM

<<happy thoughts >> coming your way.

I understand why you're angry Kas and anger is a great motivator. You are using it to pull you up and rebuild. Strength has many sources, one of them is the big f** you, I will get through this, even if I have to live on ramen noodles for the next 10 years. But, when it's all said and done and the anger and bitterness has served it's purpose, then let it go.

One day, 10 years from now, when you are living in the house that you own eating the food you paid for, then you will look back on this and say "him leaving was the best thing to have happened to me" and you will mean it.

Keep going, you're doing brilliantly.

I'd stay away from a large city job - cost of commute, time wasted commuting, longer hours surrounded by people who never move beyond 'colleague'. I meet new people every week but the count of people I consider friends is around 10.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 04:29 PM

D14 came over again last night and after 2 months of this WAH finally noticed. He snapped at her "what is her cooking better than mine??" So it has nothing to do with the part where he's rarely home? She got snippy and said "what I'm not supposed to have a social life?" He backed down.

I've been thinking about change. I've come a long way in 9 months but there is still much to be done. The changes I've made still require effort though. Will it ever come naturally? Do you think I can become the person I truly want to be? Or will I always struggle?
Posted By: firemann

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 04:36 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
Do you think I can become the person I truly want to be? Or will I always struggle?


I queued in to this statement. Do you actually know the person you want to be?

This weekend, I am actually going to make a list:
1. Who is the person I want to become?
2. What are my standards that my next person must have?
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 04:43 PM

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Strength has many sources, one of them is the big f** you, I will get through this, even if I have to live on ramen noodles for the next 10 years. But, when it's all said and done and the anger and bitterness has served it's purpose, then let it go.


This is what my IC says. I do worry that I'll get stuck here but I have a good support group and my family. Anger will drive people away and I don't want that.

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One day, 10 years from now, when you are living in the house that you own eating the food you paid for, then you will look back on this and say "him leaving was the best thing to have happened to me" and you will mean it.


I hope you are right. Doesn't feel like this now only because its so hard. Single parent with a busy job and I just feel overwhelmed. There are good things and I cling to those.

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I'd stay away from a large city job - cost of commute, time wasted commuting, longer hours surrounded by people who never move beyond 'colleague'. I meet new people every week but the count of people I consider friends is around 10.


My friends are all here at work. There are 4 here. 1 might quit and 2 will retire in 3 years so that stinks. I need to do better in the friend dept.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 04:57 PM

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I queued in to this statement. Do you actually know the person you want to be?

This weekend, I am actually going to make a list:
1. Who is the person I want to become?
2. What are my standards that my next person must have?


It's coming together in bits and pieces. I didn't like the person I was before he left. Don't get me wrong there were parts of me that were great. I'm leaving those but I have all this baggage from my childhood that I've never dealt with like codependency.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 04:59 PM

What are the parts of you that you like?
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 05:17 PM

Originally Posted by LH19
What are the parts of you that you like?


I love my brain. The way I can see things and solve problems. How fast it works. I care about people. I might not bring flowers to someone in the hospital but I would make sure their bills got paid. lol At work (and at home) people like me because I don't stress when they make mistakes . I'm pretty laid back. I believe its all fixable and I don't want anyone to beat themselves up over mistakes that everyone makes. People think I'm cold but once they get to know me they say I'm really nice.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 05:18 PM

I just get stuck in this hopelessness that I'm never going to feel better that my life is over and I wish I could die just to avoid all of this.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 05:41 PM

i read two blogs from people who now make a living helping others and they too wanted to die so I'm not alone in these thoughts. I believe that these thoughts aren't connected to the present I believe they are connected to my past. It's PTSD stuff from my childhood. I'm in IC but I'm told I can't talk my way out of this I have to go through it. I have to take action but it feels like walking through quicksand. I have moments when I laugh and I feel good about myself but they are moments, minutes, sometimes a few hours, I come here begging to be reassured that this won't last forever.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 06:19 PM

I think I just wondered can I change? Sigh guess I won't know until I try and refuse to give up.

In other good news I'm keeping an eye on the rental market because 4 bedroom rental houses are hard to come by. Yes my lease won't be up for 8 months but I like to watch patterns. Last time I was in a rush and had to rent the first thing I could get this time I can be a bit more picky. Anyway there are more houses to pick from now so my next house will be great. I promised all 3 they could shop with me unlike last time when it was just me.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/17/20 06:24 PM

Kas, any idea why he hasn't been served yet? I'm really surprised, in other D cases I've seen the papers were served within a week or two. Hasn't it been over a month?
Posted By: kas99

Re: Healing after S/D - 01/18/20 07:04 PM

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Kas, any idea why he hasn't been served yet? I'm really surprised, in other D cases I've seen the papers were served within a week or two. Hasn't it been over a month?


Filed 2 months ago. I was told they were backed up due to the holidays and that the summons probably wouldn't be ready until January. Left a message for my attorney but she didn't respond.

I'm overspending $300 a month after support. How long will it take to get temporary support?
Posted By: kas99

Money and taxes - 01/18/20 07:37 PM

If I file married filing separately I will owe $1k. I can live with that. If he files separately he will owe A LOT of money. A lot, a lot....A LOT of money.

Do I do it? I do not want to file taxes with him.
Posted By: FlySolo

Re: Money and taxes - 01/18/20 09:41 PM

It depends what your motivations are ...

If you want to file on your own because you want to stand on your own two feet, then you should. If you want to file on your own because you are the kind of person who likes to get these things out of the way early and he is dragging his feet, then you should. If you want to file on your own because he is a sh!t dad and would only spend the money on himself (and not the kids) then you should.

But, if you are filing on your own as some sort of punitive punishment / revenge, then you shouldn't. If you are filing on your own, and the money he would have saved would have gone on your kids, then you shouldn't. If you are filing on your own because you think that this will make him realise he was better of with you, then you shoudn't.

and lastly ... if you file together because you are trying to 'nice' him back, then you should definitely file on your own.

One set of reasons are about it being better for you. The other is about it being worse for him.

But that's just my 2 cents. Others may disagree. You may disagree.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/19/20 01:42 AM

Fly

I want to file on my own because dealing with him is bad for my health.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/19/20 02:39 AM

I also donít trust him. We havenít spoken in 5 months. Heís playing nice but that might end once he gets D papers.
Posted By: FlySolo

Re: Money and taxes - 01/19/20 09:10 AM

Originally Posted by Kas99
I want to file on my own because dealing with him is bad for my health.


Then you know the answer to your own question.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 01/19/20 12:04 PM

Kas, I wonder isn't there an option to pay a private company $100-$200 for guaranteed service within 48hrs? In my area, there was, and it's worth it if you're talking about support payments for 1-2 months.

Anyway, read your updates, and wishing you good luck!
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/20/20 12:07 AM

I don't have the papers and my attorney hasn't texted me back. I'm trying not to panic.

Today I did a home repair by myself. I never realized how dependent I'd gotten until WAH was gone. Sad really because in my former life I used to be quite handy. I used to be so fierce and independent. I missed that person.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 01/20/20 12:13 AM

Originally Posted by kas99
Today I did a home repair by myself. I never realized how dependent I'd gotten until WAH was gone.

What'd you repair? My son's door broke. I do repairs now too! Love it. As simple as: Google how to fix it, pick up parts, make repair--including the relevant kid so they learn something from it.
Posted By: job

Re: Money and taxes - 01/20/20 03:48 PM

Congratulations on making a repair by yourself! As you travel your life's path, you will find that fierce and independent woman again. Google has some great websites to help you when it comes to doing repairs. Don't be afraid to try to tackle something in the home repair department. If you can't locate how to do it, come here and someone will help you. We do this all of the time over on the MLC and Divorce forums.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Money and taxes - 01/20/20 04:19 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
Filed 2 months ago. I was told they were backed up due to the holidays and that the summons probably wouldn't be ready until January. Left a message for my attorney but she didn't respond.


Backed up due to the holidays!!!! Dear courts- the "holidays" ARE NOT TWO MONTHS LONG!!!! Wow that is just madness, what torture to serve papers and then wait on pins and needles for them to (eventually) be served.

Quote
I'm overspending $300 a month after support. How long will it take to get temporary support?

I don't have the papers and my attorney hasn't texted me back. I'm trying not to panic.


I would get on the phone ASAP with that L. Don't depend on text, and don't sit around waiting for her to text back. The whole reason you filed for D was to protect yourself financially, you can't just sit in limbo indefinitely. Stress that to her. Get some resolution or get a new L.

Quote
Today I did a home repair by myself. I never realized how dependent I'd gotten until WAH was gone. Sad really because in my former life I used to be quite handy. I used to be so fierce and independent. I missed that person.


Good! Find her again!
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/20/20 11:16 PM

Quote
What'd you repair? My son's door broke. I do repairs now too! Love it. As simple as: Google how to fix it, pick up parts, make repair--including the relevant kid so they learn something from it.


Dishwasher didn't drain then I realized my garbage disposal wasn't working. I panicked. How the heck am I supposed to live without someone to do this crap for me???

S19 was ready to call WAH. No I can do this and S19 was intrigued. Measuring spoon stuck in the blades, pipes clogged and there was a leak. We had to take the whole thing apart. S19 still texted WAH (ugh) and they ended up going to Lowes to get new pipes. Whatever....I had this. S19 wants to learn so he was all up in this. Took a bit but its all fixed now. smile
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/20/20 11:21 PM

Quote
Backed up due to the holidays!!!! Dear courts- the "holidays" ARE NOT TWO MONTHS LONG!!!! Wow that is just madness, what torture to serve papers and then wait on pins and needles for them to (eventually) be served.


The fines went up and everyone wanted to file before the end of the year. I work in a court so it's legit. But they should be caught up by now. Might not be served yet but my papers should be in a process servers hands soon.

Quote
I would get on the phone ASAP with that L. Don't depend on text, and don't sit around waiting for her to text back. The whole reason you filed for D was to protect yourself financially, you can't just sit in limbo indefinitely. Stress that to her. Get some resolution or get a new L.


I'm not a confrontational person so.....sigh this is another thing I have to work on. Took me weeks just to get up the nerve to text her (she didn't give me her number I got it from people I work with). Yes I'm pathetic.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/21/20 06:54 PM

Quote
I would get on the phone ASAP with that L. Don't depend on text, and don't sit around waiting for her to text back. The whole reason you filed for D was to protect yourself financially, you can't just sit in limbo indefinitely. Stress that to her. Get some resolution or get a new L.


UPDATE:

I found my strength and texted her again. I told her that I'm in month 4 or taking care of me and 3 teens with minimal support from him. She told me she'd get me a court date when she got back to the office. He's paying CS only and I can't live on that alone.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/21/20 10:57 PM

I'm terrified, angry, jealous and sad. Today I'm picking up a prescription for Zoloft that is for D17. This was my happiest kid so I never thought she'd need meds. They want her in IC but I need more money for that. I have accepted that WAH doesn't care about the kids all I can do is be the best single parent I can be. This stinks.
Posted By: may22

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 12:27 AM

Hi Kas,

Just wanted to say hang in there. You know you are doing the right thing for yourself and your family. Good job reaching back out to the L even though it wasn't what you probably wanted to do in that moment.

It is OK to be feeling what you're feeling. It is unfair and especially because it is affecting the kids this way. But you CAN control you, and giving your kids the support they need during this awful time is exactly what. Don't worry about him and what he is or isn't doing-- you are a great mom, you are there for your kids, and they know it. Keep that up.

Hugs.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 04:53 AM

Still thinking about taxes. He moved out and left me with the kids for 6 months and ONE day. I'm thinking that means they are my dependents. My state doesn't recognize separations so we are either married or we aren't. I'm going to file separately and am researching because I want to get this done before he figures out what's coming.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 05:11 AM

The tax laws are so vague. Some say support, some say residence, it's so confusing.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 11:55 AM

In my state itís support. My daughter is with me majority of the time, but my ex pays child support, so they consider our financial obligation equal ( which is kind of a joke because I make more money and he pays next to nothing in child support) anyways, we alternate years claiming our daughter .

If you are filling separately and you have not discussed whoís claiming the kids..... you need to be the first to file, because if he files before you and claims them, you will get rejected and audited. Happened to me by accident one year because my idiot ex forgot which years he claimed on. It got fixed, but it was a pain.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 01:42 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
I'm terrified, angry, jealous and sad. Today I'm picking up a prescription for Zoloft that is for D17. This was my happiest kid so I never thought she'd need meds. They want her in IC but I need more money for that. I have accepted that WAH doesn't care about the kids all I can do is be the best single parent I can be. This stinks.


I understand you want to avoid contact with your H, but you really should try to keep in touch to discuss the kids' needs. If you can't afford healthcare for the kids then it's time to reach out to H, explain the situation and ask for some additional financial help. Clearly in your state serving D papers is a very, very low priority so I don't think taking a wait-and-see attitude is a good idea if your kids are not getting the care they need. It could be many months, even a year or more, before you can settle things in court.

Originally Posted by kas99
Still thinking about taxes. He moved out and left me with the kids for 6 months and ONE day. I'm thinking that means they are my dependents. My state doesn't recognize separations so we are either married or we aren't. I'm going to file separately and am researching because I want to get this done before he figures out what's coming.


You really should discuss this with your L and with H afterwards. I don't think it's a good idea to try to be sneaky about claiming them as dependents and secretly filing. Get it all out in the open. My XW and I had 50-50 custody and each of us claimed one of our 3 kids every year, and the 3rd kid we switched back and forth each year. Two of them are grown now but we still switch the 3rd back and forth. Come up with a logical and fair solution with the help of your L and propose it to H.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 02:51 PM

Quote
If you are filling separately and you have not discussed whoís claiming the kids..... you need to be the first to file, because if he files before you and claims them, you will get rejected and audited. Happened to me by accident one year because my idiot ex forgot which years he claimed on. It got fixed, but it was a pain.


We agreed to split the kids he even said I could take D14 since she gets the higher tax credit so either I take the older 2 or her. I MUST file first I just feel so guilty. Even if I let him have D14 he will owe A LOT more not only because of the higher tax bracket but because I'm the one who put aside money throughout the year to cover this.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 03:19 PM

Yesterday was a really bad day. Please someone remind me....again that this will get better. I am so overwhelmed and I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.
Posted By: job

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 03:31 PM

kas,

Once you get some of the hurdles, it will get better. Stay on your lawyer to ensure your h is served. You do need to ask your lawyer about filing the taxes and then advise your h that you are filing separate and how many dependents you are claiming.

Unfortunately, when it comes to divorce, no one truly wins. You have to look at this as a business deal and once you get all of this taken care of...you will feel much better and not so tense and anxious.
Posted By: FlySolo

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 03:44 PM

Oh Kas, I promise promise promise that you will feel better. You'll never feel better all the time, but no-one is happy ALL the time.

Have you spent any time on the other forums here (Surviving the big D and Separated, What Now). There you will find people who came here as heartbroken as you who ARE now living full and happy lives. Sure, they have their ups and downs, but very few of these downs and not one of their ups, have a thing to do with their ex's. If anything, when ex's are mentioned, it is to laugh or rant at their expense (case in point, Ginger's reference to "[her] idiot ex" above).

You seem to be reflecting more on your own motivations which is great. Understanding what motivates our behaviour is the first step towards changing it. But, even with all this, I get no sense of who you are. I know Kas the LBS, I know Kas the abandoned child, but who is Kas when she is neither of those. I think you can only work this out not via reflection, but by action. Do things. Lots of different things and tell us about them. Some things will stick and some won't. It is those things that stick that will be the foundations of Kas 2.0.
Posted By: hoosjim

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 04:16 PM

It WILL get better, kas. Like pretty much everyone else who comes on these forums, I was devastated at first. Could never remember feeling so low and desperate. Would break down in tears regularly and spontaneously (and I am a fairly "strong/masculine" guy, FWIW). Often enough that it was sometimes a struggle to hide it from my boys. But, eventually, that started to fade. As I moved forward and improved myself, became active and found things to live for other than my wayward spouse, those episodes became progressively less, and I started feeling ever better, more confident, and joyful. Both faith and fitness played a HUGE role in that dynamic-- faith for obvious reasons and fitness because I have found that it is nearly impossible to feel down/sorry-for-yourself when you are sweating and the blood is pumping and the endorphins are working during a good workout. By the time the second BD rolled around (and not even really a "BD", was actually just me discovering her continued contact with OM) I was hurt and sad, yes, since i had started to believe we were truly piecing, but, MORE than those emotions, I was angry and disgusted, and completely ready to jettison her and move on with my own life (which had become pretty darned good by that point).

And lest you say "Oh, well, he got to piecing, which is why he felt better", I would tell you that i got to that better place WELL before it looked like my WW would turn to piecing... such that when that "false start" fell apart, it was not nearly as devastating as when she first BD'd me. In fact, it was not devastating at all.

You need to get to that place where you feel good about YOU... you're cheating spouse be d@mned. And it CAN and WILL happen.... but you do need to put some effort in it to achieve maximum effect.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/22/20 07:40 PM

Quote
I get no sense of who you are. I know Kas the LBS, I know Kas the abandoned child, but who is Kas when she is neither of those


I cried on the way home for lunch....CRAP I just noticed there is another gift in my office. Now I want to cry again.

Off to thank my best friend and to pull it together.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/23/20 04:53 AM

D14 is on steroids from being sick and they are making her cranky. H interrupted her daily nap with texts then came up to her room and she bit his head off. He's rarely home and she's getting an attitude. He leaves. She texted him asking where he was and if he would bring her dinner (she didn't come over tonight). He texted "I am NOT happy right now and I'll be back later." This was 6pm. She texted him "are you mad at me?" He ignores.

He comes home at 10:00 with food. Tells her he's upset because she snapped at him. She blamed it on the meds.
Posted By: rooskers

Re: Money and taxes - 01/23/20 04:58 AM

You might want to stay out of that one kas. You want no part of that battle.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/23/20 02:37 PM

I'm exhausted. D14 was upset so she didn't finish her homework so I was up until midnight helping her. She's prone to stress ailments and this time it was a rash.

She woke H up about the rash and he told her to put lotion on it. Made it worse so she calls me back in tears. She goes back and tells her what I said (cringing). It's 1am and now he knows I'm involved. He does go to the store (I give him credit for this) but he buys the wrong stuff. I use eczema cream and he got the bug bite stuff. She hasn't had a rash in a long time so this isn't yet in his medicine cabinet.

One of my coworkers thinks he got served and that thought did cross my mind.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 01/23/20 04:57 PM

Originally Posted by "kas99"
Made it worse so she calls me back in tears

It's a terrible trigger when our kids are in tears.

Originally Posted by "kas99"
. She goes back and tells her what I said (cringing).

How bad was it? Hopefully no worse than, "You piece of sidewalk gum, but her some eczema cream!"
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/23/20 08:13 PM

Quote
She goes back and tells her what I said (cringing).

How bad was it? Hopefully no worse than, "You piece of sidewalk gum, but her some eczema cream!"


LOL nothing like that. I'm cringing because I prefer to be invisible. I know I'm not but I like to pretend I am.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/23/20 09:27 PM

I'm a minimalist who dreams of one day being one those zen people. My favorite self help book of all times and I've read 100's of them is Awareness by Anthony DeMello.

"You do not change if you merely change your exterior world." "Loneliness is not cured by human company". "An attachment is a belief that without something (or someone) you are not going to be happy". "There is nothing wrong with the world what needs to change is YOU".

This book seriously gives me a headache.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/24/20 05:25 PM

H asked D14 if she was eating dinner with me and she said yes. He then told her he was going out to eat and when I dropped her off at 9pm he was still gone. It's so hard going over there, seeing him gone and knowing where he is. My thoughts go back to he's happy, living his life without a care in the world while I'm suffering.

I don't want him back I just don't want him to be happy at least not right now. Right now I want him to suffer like I am.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/24/20 05:46 PM

Quote
By the time the second BD rolled around (and not even really a "BD", was actually just me discovering her continued contact with OM) I was hurt and sad, yes, since i had started to believe we were truly piecing, but, MORE than those emotions, I was angry and disgusted, and completely ready to jettison her and move on with my own life (which had become pretty darned good by that point).


My life isn't good yet but I am starting to get disgusted at H's behavior.

Quote
And lest you say "Oh, well, he got to piecing, which is why he felt better", I would tell you that i got to that better place WELL before it looked like my WW would turn to piecing... such that when that "false start" fell apart, it was not nearly as devastating as when she first BD'd me. In fact, it was not devastating at all.


I think piecing is harder than being a LBS and that no one should do it until they are over the wayward spouse

Quote
You need to get to that place where you feel good about YOU... you're cheating spouse be d@mned. And it CAN and WILL happen.... but you do need to put some effort in it to achieve maximum effect


This will seem lame but I have cooked dinner every night for my kids. Real meals too. When they ask me to do something I do it asap (make an appt, get something at the store, wash a special shirt, etc.) My kids have commented that they didn't think I'd make that appt, remember to wash that shirt, etc. I'm mostly caught up at work and I feel good about that. It's hard and I'm emotionally drained but I'm pushing through it hoping that one day my work will pay off. Right now? Still suffering.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 01/24/20 06:15 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
I don't want him back I just don't want him to be happy at least not right now. Right now I want him to suffer like I am.

You already know this, but as much as you can, try to work out these thoughts.

Anger is a form of attachment. My ex texted me a few days ago she'd won something in a partner sport she and I had always competed in together. Flash of anger--was I that easy to replace?! Why are you texting me this--I don't look at your FB feed for a reason?! Then.. shh.. let is settle. No reply. Focus on life. That woman exists as my partner only in past stories.
Posted By: kml

Re: Money and taxes - 01/24/20 10:51 PM

Karma will even things out eventually.
My ex looked like he had everything - the duplex at his favorite surf spot, the 19 years younger hot Asian wife (thank god she wasnt one of his affair partners but came about a year later), great income even after paying his share of kids college costs and alimony.

He was hanging out with her 30-something friends, pretending heíd never age, reliving his youth, taking exotic vacations and spending a ton of money on a fancy wedding.

But life has a way of bringing you back to reality. Within one year her mother died, her father developed dementia and needed major surgery, his father developed lung cancer and his mother was diagnosed with Parkinsonís. Ex went on to need two shoulder surgeries and one neck surgery for arthritis from years of surfing. His essential unhappiness didnít disappear when he dumped me. Heís alienated his children and now cries poor to them even though his income has been twice mine.

My life hasnít been perfect but Iím happy in my work, have the love and respect of my children, Iíve played music on stages with famous people and my joints donít hurt!

I donít wish any of these bad things on my ex or his family - Iím just saying, what looks better isnít always, and wherever they go, they take their unhappy selves with them.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/25/20 01:04 AM

Quote
Karma will even things out eventually.


I want to believe this.

Quote
My ex looked like he had everything


I'm so there. New girlfriend, promotion, nice house, out every night, life appears grand.

Quote
But life has a way of bringing you back to reality. His essential unhappiness didnít disappear when he dumped me. Heís alienated his children and now cries poor to them even though his income has been twice mine.


My H got me to believe that I was the sole source of his unhappiness and it has done a number on me. Logically I know he's an unhappy person because nothing was ever enough. Its just hard to remember this on days like today.

Quote
My life hasnít been perfect but Iím happy in my work, have the love and respect of my children, Iíve played music on stages with famous people and my joints donít hurt!


Your stories make me happy and give me hope. I love my job, my kids are great, they love me, I have great friends, they love me too I just feel like I was thrown out like an old couch or something. Traded in for a newer, younger model who is of course so much better than me. The mind movies are tough sometimes...

Quote
what looks better isnít always, and wherever they go, they take their unhappy selves with them.


Why is this so hard to grasp? It's so easy to buy into the concept that money, a hot wife, a house on the beach makes for pure bliss.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/26/20 11:56 PM

The mood swings are the worst. Had a good Friday/Saturday and half a day on Sunday. I dropped D14 off after an afternoon of shopping today and he's gone......again. I get D14 every single evening and he hasn't been home for a week. That he's out having fun brings so much pain. He's not fun, he's never been fun and the thought that he is now (with HER) hurts so much. He's still working at the big box store (2nd job). Was there Friday night and all day yesterday. How can working 6 days a week be FUN? He's snapping at D14, take jabs at D17, boiling hot dogs for dinner and blowing S19 off on the whole car restoration project.

Please be kind I'm having a bad afternoon.

I have a lot of great things going for me and I wanted to post a good happy post but my thoughts are strangling me.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 01:16 AM

Originally Posted by kas99
That he's out having fun brings so much pain. He's not fun, he's never been fun and the thought that he is now (with HER) hurts so much.

Why--e.g., is it because you're not having fun, it makes you feel replaceable, or you wish he hurt too?

Originally Posted by kas99
Please be kind I'm having a bad afternoon.

Sending lots of happy thoughts towards Kas that she recognizes on Sundays as much as she does on Fridays and Saturdays, all the good things happening around her in her life.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 01:34 AM

S19 came out asking what was for dinner to see if was better than what H was cooking. For once (and I acknowledged this) his dinner is better than mine. H is making one of his mom's recipes but now that I think about it...it's not that great. S19 didn't want to go, hasn't been to see H in over a week and is disgusted by him. S19 stalled, helping me figure out how to work a drill, had me read one of his college books, finally left and said he'd be back shortly. H will trap him there which annoys S19. H's father used to do that. No one wanted to spend time with him and so when they finally did you couldn't get away from him.

Off to pick up D14. She wants to be here. They all want to be here. I should be grateful but instead I'm ick.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 02:00 AM

I want him to suffer.

D17 is crying because Kobe Bryant's 13 year old daughter died. She has such a big heart and here I am feeling sorry for myself.
Posted By: kml

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 06:44 AM

Truth - he IS suffering. Sadly heís also inflicting his suffering on his family as well, but trust me: if you had the choice to be you or him in this scenario, youíre much better off being you.

Donít buy into the gaslighting. Even if you were the perfect wife, heíd find something to use as an excuse. One woman in her was 5í8Ē and like 130 lbs - her H told her she was too fat! My ex told me I walked too heavy - and worse than that, had taught our daughter to walk too heavy! (No, I donít have a weird gait),

And if heís doing things with her that he never did with you, well, isnít she going to be surprised when he stops wanting to do them? Because if he actually liked doing those things heíd have done them a long time ago.

I know youíve got a lot of responsibility in your shoulders - but this is also your time to find YOU. The you who is brave, creative, capable of great friendships and great love. Make a vision board and dream some dreams.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 02:53 PM

I need to get these thoughts out of my head so I can challenge them and people here can help me.

Quote
Truth - he IS suffering. Sadly heís also inflicting his suffering on his family as well, but trust me: if you had the choice to be you or him in this scenario, youíre much better off being you.


In real life no one thinks he's happy. That he's just distracting with booze, women, work (2 jobs), etc. of course my brain tells me a different story as you know. I'll read things like divorce costs so much because its worth it. No regrets. Sure my kids no longer speak to me but I just couldn't live with him/her another minute. I'm much happier now with a my new wife/husband.

Quote
Donít buy into the gaslighting. Even if you were the perfect wife, heíd find something to use as an excuse. One woman in her was 5í8Ē and like 130 lbs - her H told her she was too fat! My ex told me I walked too heavy - and worse than that, had taught our daughter to walk too heavy! (No, I donít have a weird gait),


I'm mentally ill and that is what he threw in my face. After 30 years he said he'd had enough. Said I made him shell of a man. There is enough truth in this to crush me.

The only thing that makes me feel better (and yes I know this is bad) is that without soul searching and time alone he will find another one just like me. S19 who is big into psychology said the same thing (on his own I never said anything). My IC says he needs a victim to feel better about himself and the next one will be worse than me.

Quote
And if heís doing things with her that he never did with you, well, isnít she going to be surprised when he stops wanting to do them? Because if he actually liked doing those things heíd have done them a long time ago.


I wrack my brain wondering when exactly did he stop wanting to do did he things? Did I do this to him like he said? D14 says talking to him is like talking to a brick wall (true). She says he drags her to the store every week and all he wants to talk about is his work. When S19 is there all they talk about is cars. S19 talks to me about many subjects. H once could stay up all night talking but it ended and now I'm questioning my sanity (gaslighting) and memories.

Quote
I know youíve got a lot of responsibility in your shoulders - but this is also your time to find YOU. The you who is brave, creative, capable of great friendships and great love. Make a vision board and dream some dreams.


My changes are slow, very slow but I am getting better. I spent all weekend with D14 (this is the kid I struggled the most with). She's chatty, texting, calling, happy, nothing like our relationship before. I forced myself to get up last night and pick up the house. I've cooked almost every night. Last week I took D14/D17 to the doctor (AD's and strep). I got all their eye exams done, contacts ordered. I am on top of all the girly things for D14's upcoming dance. My bills are paid, taxes done.

I have dreams but that is for another post......need help with those too.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 04:07 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
I wrack my brain wondering when exactly did he stop wanting to do did he things? Did I do this to him like he said?

Kas, the extent of your control was to support, be neutral to, or oppose his GAL activities. Even if you opposed them, the ultimate choice to stop (versus continuing despite you being upset, or leaving you to continue) was his. I say that as someone who's consistently had partners who opposed my solo GAL activities. I feel so, so blessed that my current partner has been supporting me in them so far.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 05:33 PM

I don't know if H rewrote history or if I was really as awful as he says I was. Yes I am mentally ill but I still bent myself into a pretzel trying to get him to love me, to have fun, to do things but what I got was a guy who acted like I was bothering him. This made me angry then he got to turn it around and say "see it's your fault". It was always either my fault or an excuse. I was so in love and deeply codependent that I accepted whatever crumb he offered me.

He cooked an actual meal last night. S19 was there and D14 said it smelled funny (she ate with me). I laughed because I have that recipe and it's over 40 years old. This recipe is online and I'm sure they are all great but it's not the same as what I have.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 06:26 PM

I'm working diligently to fix my codependency issues. I have plenty of dreams it's just I get stuck thinking I can't do them alone. I think I can't do anything alone and that my life is over.

Okay fine he's gone and I can either wither up and die or evolve. Took D14 shopping for the dance. I started feeling sorry for myself I want to wear a nice dress and have my H tell me how great I look. I stopped and thought why do I need this?? I look great. I've lost weight, I got my hair done, I could buy a new dress, I could even go out on a date. I could pretend I just went to a party and wear the darn thing to the grocery store, turn a few heads, will this make me feel better about my life??

No.

And there it is. Still believing my happiness is out there somewhere. Logically I get this but emotionally I do not.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 09:12 PM

Work is a complete disaster today. One fire after another. OMG. I'm surprisingly calm but dang. My co manager who does everything is in the hospital so tag I'm it. Have a meeting right now that I do not have time for.

Okay I've got my kids, a job, my health, my house is clean....find my happy place.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/27/20 09:30 PM

I read some after D stories and honestly is anyone other than the people that walked out happy?
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 01/28/20 12:24 AM

I think my ex-wife is happy. Sheís had a partner for 1-2 years, and went to see his family for Thanksgiving. It took her longer to recover, but it probably was closer to equal, if you consider it took me a year to decide to walk away.

Itís easy to forget the walkaway spouseís pain and healing began earlier.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/28/20 02:08 PM

CW you planned to leave your wife for a year and didn't tell her. You announce your decision to divorce by having her served. Then you give her false hope by not finalizing the divorce for 3 years. You go on to get into a 5 year relationship and you leave her too You post here that you didn't love her. You say your ex wife wasn't a nice person so who knows maybe she has learned and is happy now. Who knows.

I'm not doing well.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/28/20 02:50 PM

D17 is worried about me. D19, who is wise beyond his years, is giving me dire warnings about my plans. D14 is happy that I am giving her attention but I think she is suffering the most. I've adjusted mentally to the part where I'm going to be on my own for quite some time. I think financially I'll be okay if I get a decent settlement.

How does this work when you get old and/or sick? H had skin cancer and I took care of him for 2 weeks. I've had 2 surgeries already. One took 4 months to recover (severe injury), the other a few weeks. He won't have this problem. Ever. He has money and he will remarry.

I have no family just my kids.
Posted By: mtb1981

Re: Money and taxes - 01/28/20 03:07 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
I read some after D stories and honestly is anyone other than the people that walked out happy?

My W walked out, and I thought my life was over. I was a miserable, depressed wreck. Over a year and a half later, we were divorced. By then , I was the happiest I have been in years. I never thought happiness like this could exist. It was the principles of DB'ing that got me there. I learned to detach and not get caught up in the $hitshow she was creating. I began to live my life for myself and my kids. I GAL'd like no other and realized my happiness was my responsibility and no one else's. I learned that loving myself was more important than dwelling on how unfair I thought everything was. Now I am a single father with full custody of my 3 small children and loving it. As clichť as it sounds, appreciate what you have. You say you have no family, just your kids. I say you have a wonderful family of kids. As much as it hurts right now, remember that you're alive, and that's half the battle. Enjoy your life with your kids. It's too short to waste on anyone that doesn't want to be a part of it...
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/28/20 03:33 PM

I appreciate any and all words of encouragement. Dying, drowning....

Thanks mtb be back shortly to hang on every word.

A key employee is in the hospital and I have NO idea how I'm going to get everything done here AND take care of 3 kids by myself.

I also got a BS complaint about my managerial skills - went all the way to the top. My boss is defending me but still it stung. My employees don't get that this is a gov't job. I have no power.

Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 01/28/20 05:43 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
I'm not doing well.

I'm so sorry to hear that. (((Hugs))) The cloudy/rainy week in most of the US likely doesn't help. I like that you report happy days too, now.. like you're nearer to the edge of the storm. You often find friends and help at work, so it must be terrible to feel under siege there as well.

Originally Posted by kas99
You say your ex wife wasn't a nice person so who knows maybe she has learned and is happy now. Who knows.

She was a depressed person, who wasn't seeking adequate treatment.

She seems happy! It's 9yrs later, but at hand-off more smiling and fewer sob stories. She took her first vacation in ~15yrs to see his family this Thanksgiving. She negotiated with me to get herself to 50% custody.

I'm satisfied my ex-girlfriend of 2.5yrs gave up (if she wouldn't fight, too) 7 months after BD. I put in a good stand considering the length of our relationship, am free to find my own happiness, and in love again!

Originally Posted by kas99
You go on to get into a 5 year relationship and you leave her too You post here that you didn't love her.

Yep. Never loved the woman I dated for 5yrs after my ex-wife. Admitted that point blank many times. That I could love again with my ex-girlfriend of 2.5yrs was a revelation. Apparently, I still can love.

Originally Posted by kas99
CW you planned to leave your wife for a year and didn't tell her. You announce your decision to divorce by having her served. Then you give her false hope by not finalizing the divorce for 3 years.

Two clarifications:

1. I didn't plan my exit for a year, I did plan that I would exit if she didn't make positive changes.

2. I didn't "give her" false hope. I stated clearly we were over. I now realize LBS often read a great deal into their WAS' decision not to complete a divorce, so in the same position I'd have completed it sooner.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 01/31/20 06:01 PM

CW I'm so sorry for saying that to you. I regretted it but it was too late to take it back.

H is spiraling a bit. Can't get a handle on the bills, looking for a 3rd job, hasn't touched S19's car (the restoration project) in weeks, ignores D14's texts, and is just gone. All the time. Last night he went out looking at tattoos.

My court date is February 24th but my L is trying to get the judge to push it up given my situation. I feel dumb for bothering her. She's on top of things she just doesn't communicate unless she has to.

Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 02/01/20 02:30 AM

Tonight heís at party at the big box store. He didnít get the tattoo heís so needy that heís doing everything his idiot friend tells him to do. This guy has been pushing him to get one so he caved and went to look. Later he was up at 10:30pm FaceTiming his idiot friend. I know this because D14 texted me to complain. Iíll be so glad when she moves back in with me so I wonít have to listen to this drivel.

S19 says heís worried H wonít be healthy enough to restore his car says H had painful knots in his back just driving to pick it up. Stressed much?

Iím ever ever so slightly starting to see him as just sad.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 02/01/20 03:03 AM

Scratch that. Pathetic yeah thatís the word Iím looking for.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 02/01/20 09:25 AM

Originally Posted by kas99
CW I'm so sorry for saying that to you. I regretted it but it was too late to take it back.

S'okay. I've spent hours of late thinking about being an ethical partner and I apologized to the nurse on Jan 15th. I've thought about which mistakes to own, and which ones to leave on them. wink

Originally Posted by kas99
Tonight heís at party at the big box store. He didnít get the tattoo heís so needy that heís doing everything his idiot friend tells him to do...

How's the start of your weekend going, kas? Got some good GAL activities lined up? I cancelled going on dates Sat/Sun morning and am going to walk local shores with my son to spot wildlife.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 02/02/20 03:09 AM

Quote
How's the start of your weekend going, kas? Got some good GAL activities lined up? I cancelled going on dates Sat/Sun morning and am going to walk local shores with my son to spot wildlife.


D14 is at a dance so that meant hair, makeup, spray tan, all those cute girl things. Lots of chauffeuring. I wanted to learn how to hang curtains and pictures but I'm overthinking the whole thing and couldn't do it. Got a bad case of perfection paralysis. The drill intimidates me and I can't decide where to hang which picture.
Posted By: jstrembr

Re: Money and taxes - 02/02/20 03:23 AM

Originally Posted by CWarrior
2. I didn't "give her" false hope. I stated clearly we were over. I now realize LBS often read a great deal into their WAS' decision not to complete a divorce, so in the same position I'd have completed it sooner.


This has me curious, what was your reason to not complete the divorce? As a LBS, I can say I very much see the decision not to complete the divorce as a sign the WAS is not actually committed to that decision. It would be very interesting to hear your perspective on that. Thanks!
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Money and taxes - 02/03/20 03:32 AM

Originally Posted by jstrembr
This has me curious, what was your reason to not complete the divorce? As a LBS, I can say I very much see the decision not to complete the divorce as a sign the WAS is not actually committed to that decision.

This may be frustrating to hear--when I was a WAS, I didn't complete the divorce because it didn't matter. I had closure (I was 100% done when I filed) and an agreement about custody, child support, and alimony. There simply was no compelling reason for me to spend a weekend on paperwork.

It was lower on my priority list than digitally scanning the pile of fingerpainting from my son's pre-school year, or trimming the cherry blossom that occasionally scrapes my windows.

In a sense, it's true I wasn't committed to completing the divorce. At the same time, I ignored the letters my LBS sent me and actively dated with no intent to ever look back even as a backup plan.

That's why I said, "next time" I'd do it sooner, because I now see how much a LBS may read into it!
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 02/03/20 06:11 PM

The one thing different with CW vs other WAS's is at least he filed. I didn't get closure until H cancelled the lease via email. Still had hope for years down the road until I found out about the OW. At that point I knew he was done. Filed the next day.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 02/03/20 09:24 PM

I've always been in awe of people who overcame huge adversity to go on to lead at least somewhat decent lives. The first name that comes to mind is Chris Gardner. He was the subject of the movie The Pursuit of Happyness. The movie was great (sugarcoated) but the real story told in his book is horrifying. Its so bad that I regret reading the book and I love books.

I have an opportunity to overcome and it feels wrong somehow. Like yay my H dumped me for OW but look how happy I am now. I don't want H to be happy - yet he's always been unhappy. What are the odds that he found bliss after dumping his entire family for OW?

Does this make any sense to anyone??
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 02/03/20 09:27 PM

duplicate
Posted By: kas99

Re: Money and taxes - 02/03/20 09:43 PM

I watched the documentary "Happy" over the weekend and its insane how most people rely on outside circumstances to be happy, myself included. According to research only 10% of happiness comes from external sources. Right now as I type this I'm thinking "I'll be happy....when" despite knowing better.

What I'm really thinking is I'll never be happy alone.
Posted By: job

Re: Money and taxes - 02/03/20 09:51 PM

New Thread:

T minus 2.5 weeks until court
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