Hi,
I am new here, but grateful for a place to go. I've been married to my H for 24 years in May. We have three children together. We make a good family. But our marriage....I don't know what to do anymore. My H had an EA and PA with a good friend of mine and his co-worker for two years. I had that BD three years ago. It destroyed me and she and I were close and our families did things together. I felt so dumb not to have seen what was in front of my face. But I trusted them both. He blamed it on me and felt like if I were the wife I should have been he wouldn't have done that. He told me she was his best friend and so much more. She is married and has said she and her H healed their M. I did not discover a program like DB until at least a year out. We have tried, but it has been mostly me. He tried IC and MC for a short period of time and will not go back. I did IC for a long time which helped me tremendously.
He works every other week out of state in the office, and the other week remotely with us. He and the OW still work together in the same company, but not together anymore. We have agreements and boundaries, but he doesn't like to talk about it. If he could forget it all and heal me with a magic wand and it is never brought up again, that would be his ideal. I have come a long, long way. I am really proud of my progress. But I am not where I want to be yet. I have basically done it on my own. My H has many good qualities, but empathy and compassion are not two of them.
I am at the place where I do not know what type of DBing I should do. I am at a loss. He told me the week of Thanksgiving he felt we should get a D. He said that he doesn't feel connected to me, that he is not happy and he feels I am not happy. He feels he made the effort and there is no point. I am so sad. I told him he would have to do the D, I would not fight him but it's against my value system to contribute. I am heartbroken. I am just in shock that this is where my life is.
We have not brought it up since then, and we do the family thing, and we will go to the movies together and we sleep in the same bed together. But he avoids any sort of date where we could talk. He has erected an emotional wall and will not let me anywhere near it. He will not touch me either, although he will let me rub his back. As many of you can relate, I am so lonely and starving for any kind of affection and touch.
His friends tell him he is an idiot that the grass is not greener out there. But I think he would rather be alone than with me. They tell him I am great, which makes him angry. It is so odd because I am younger than the OW, and by his own words far more attractive and have a better body. But it doesn't seem to matter.
Our cheeseless tunnel would be talking. He does not want to talk about anything related to marriage or anything that results in "bad feelings." What do you think would be the best DB approach? I feel so confused I don't know which way is up or down, and I am afraid to make a mistake. I had a therapist that encouraged me to be vulnerable. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I texted him that I missed him and wished he were here. He did not text back or address it. My hurt wants to say something to him about how that feels, but I'm pretty sure that would be fruitless.
I know he is mad because he had meetings in the office with the OW, and he did not let me know ahead of time which is part of the agreement we made. I don't bring her up and I don't bring the subject up, but I do feel it's important for me to advocate for myself in this area.
Okay...sorry for the verbal vomit. I will appreciate any advice you might have. I am in need of hope.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Welcome and sorry you are here.
First, where is ANY DBing activity in what you just wrote? I see none.
I see pressure and pursuit. I see neediness. I see R talks. I see the desire to talk about your feelings. ALL of that are cheeseless tunnels.
First, a little exercise. You mention he has "lots of great qualities"......awesome. Can you list those out for us? Just do a brain dump of all of these awesome qualities he supposedly has.
As far as DB activities that are right for you? ALL OF THEM.
First, I see nothing in your OP about GAL. I would love to hear about what things you are doing that doesn't include him. Girls night out. Taking the kids to a movie. Etc. You absolutely need to recapture the things that were in your life that made you you when you met him. We often times give up all of our individual activities when we get married and settle in, and then we are no longer the same person. You need recapture that magic that was oceangrl with one HUGE caveat: you do that for yourself, not for him!! (This will be a theme.)
Next, you are in IC! Great. Continue to self-improve, 180 on any bad behaviors (obsessing over OW to start), and become the best oceangrl that you can be! Again, this is FOR YOU, not for him. Become the awesome person that you know you can be. Self-improvement activities are great because they make you feel better about yourself. Self-esteem will go a long way towards making you awesome. And it will make you realize that he doesn't really deserve you and that HE has work to do to GET you back!
Finally, detach. This is a process. This is something that you have to continually work on. Detachment is one of the most misunderstood parts of DBing. It is not being rude, passive-aggressive, or ignoring. It is being emotional even. Not reacting to his craziness. Not melting down the next time he brings up D. You handled it pretty well before, and I agree with your stance on it. But this:
"He does not want to talk about anything related to marriage or anything that results in "bad feelings.""
Honor that! IN fact, the #1 rule of DBing is NO R TALKS. Never initiate a R talk. If he does...listen and validate. Study the validation thread here. Make sure you know how to use validating statements. Do not get into a back-and-forth. Do not disagree with him. Validation is neither agreeing or disagreeing with what he says, it is understanding what he is saying and the feelings he is expressing.
Oceangrl, you have a main goal: you need to remove all pressure and pursuit. Stop the back rubs. Back off and let him come to you! WASs are like cats. If you move towards them they will run. But if you back off, give them space, they will eventually come around out of curiosity. STudy the pursuit-distance dynamic. Then back off and give him the time and space he has requested.
As far as what he said at Thanksgiving about D. Remember, words are words. Actions are actions. This is important for your DBing efforts (do it don't say it!) and it applies to the WAS too. They will say a lot of things. We have a rule around here: "Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do!"
As far as the future, you said you are confused. We have another saying around here: "When they want to come back you will know. We they don't, you will be confused."
So GAL. 180. Detach. Give him time and space by removing all pressure and pursuit. Focus on you and your kids. Leave him alone to figure out his own stuff.
My H had an EA and PA with a good friend of mine and his co-worker for two years. I had that BD three years ago. It destroyed me and she and I were close and our families did things together. I felt so dumb not to have seen what was in front of my face. But I trusted them both. He blamed it on me and felt like if I were the wife I should have been he wouldn't have done that.
It amazes me how many stories we see like this where a WAS has gone out and had an affair and then blames the LBS for it. Like it was completely beyond their control. First of all I hope you really see this for what it is. Your H is a selfish, lying cheater who refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Does that sound harsh? Well it should, because regardless of who you thought you were married to before you are now married to a lying cheater who you cannot trust. And your actions need to reflect that.
We have tried, but it has been mostly me. He tried IC and MC for a short period of time and will not go back. I did IC for a long time which helped me tremendously.
You should discontinue the MC until he shows real interest in it, which is probably way down the road.
My H has many good qualities, but empathy and compassion are not two of them.
Interesting you mention that in particular. Do you think he's a narcissist?
I am at the place where I do not know what type of DBing I should do.
Like Steve said, it doesn't sound like you've been doing any DB'ing so far. All the pursuit and such needs to stop. You need to give him time and space and focus on you and the kids.
We have not brought it up since then, and we do the family thing, and we will go to the movies together and we sleep in the same bed together. But he avoids any sort of date where we could talk. He has erected an emotional wall and will not let me anywhere near it. He will not touch me either, although he will let me rub his back. As many of you can relate, I am so lonely and starving for any kind of affection and touch.
I would suggest trying to build some space between the two of you. Suggest to him that he should sleep elsewhere because you don't feel comfortable around him anymore (but you should stay in the MBR, he should be the one to leave). No more back rubs or any other affection/ attention. That's just cake-eating on his part, and you don't want to encourage that.
His friends tell him he is an idiot that the grass is not greener out there. But I think he would rather be alone than with me.
You are correct. So give him what he wants. If you can create some space then he may eventually start missing you and realize what he may be losing. But for now he doesn't want you.
It is so odd because I am younger than the OW, and by his own words far more attractive and have a better body. But it doesn't seem to matter.
It's very common for cheaters to "affair down". It's more about feeling an emotional connection than it is about how pretty they are or how nice their body is.
Our cheeseless tunnel would be talking. He does not want to talk about anything related to marriage or anything that results in "bad feelings." What do you think would be the best DB approach?
To not bring it up, ever. And if he brings it up then you do two things and two things only- listen and validate.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I texted him that I missed him and wished he were here. He did not text back or address it. My hurt wants to say something to him about how that feels, but I'm pretty sure that would be fruitless.
Yes, completely fruitless. Right now he doesn't care about you, or how you feel. Feelings may eventually return but it'll take a long time.
I know he is mad because he had meetings in the office with the OW, and he did not let me know ahead of time which is part of the agreement we made. I don't bring her up and I don't bring the subject up, but I do feel it's important for me to advocate for myself in this area.
Boundaries are worthless without enforcement. So you made a boundary with him that he can't see OW without letting you know, and he did anyway. So now what? Now he thinks your boundaries are a joke, and that he can trample on them whenever he wants. Don't set boundaries unless you are prepared to enforce them.
Steve85....
Thank you for your kind butt-kicking....I needed it!!!
The very sad thing is, I used to be so pathetically co-dependent and needy that I am far and away better than I was.
At some point in being a wife and mother I lost who I was. I lost connection with myself. I used to be a really interesting person. And you really hit it on the head....I need to GAL.
My goals are to travel to Europe, to continue to exercise and work on getting my body in great shape (I am thin but weak), continue to learn French. I also want to join some groups here in LA. We are not from here and recently moved here because my 11 year old is an actor. So I have time to sit on set and learn and study. And I need to make friends. It is lonely being in a new place.
One of my top priorities is figuring out a way to make money. Like I mentioned before, I sit on a set for about 9 hours a day. So I have to find a job I can do remotely and on my computer. I have been taking bookkeeping classes. I also write. I have got to become financially independent of him somehow. But it is scary for me, I am a former teacher but I've been a stay at home mom supporting his entrepreneurial dreams for years. Right now his business is struggling and we are financially struggling. You would think he would recognize that I support him through the ups and downs, but nope.
Detaching is my number one biggest challenge. I think I am on a roll with it, and then something like the other day happens, where he holds my kids hands with each of his hands on the sidewalk so I end up walking behind them. I think that's so rude, and I get so hurt and angry....and that makes it so much harder. Those feelings of constant rejection. I believe he gets his "love" from his kids. I love my kids, but I've been replaced by them in getting his emotional needs met.
And I see your point on words being words. I think he wants things easy and convenient....push me into filing, or force it to be a mutual thing so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy. He wants what he calls an "amicable divorce," IE me making it as easy and happy as possible, and as cheap as possible. He gets very upset at the idea that I would use a lawyer. He would like us to sit in front of the kids and tell them that it is both of our idea. That will not be happening. So he talks about it, but as far as I know has acted on nothing.
I will be studying the detachment and validation threads. Detachment is so intimidating to me, but I know logically it needs to be done. I have put way too much focus on him. I am trying to focus on one day at a time because the future can be so scary.
Thanks again for your advice. It's what I needed to hear.
Hi Ocean,
Steve and AS are very wise and give sound advise. If I was in your shoes, I would follow their advise.
Sorry to read your soo familiar story. You found a great place for support. I do not want to give you false hope, and I do not want to give you false despair. We only have have control over ourselves. How we behave and how we interact with others. Those that have the most success around here are the ones that take the focus off of their spouse and put it right on themselves. They make a decision to create their own happiness regardless of what their spouse is doing.
Think about this, how hard is it to change your bad habits? Pretty hard, but set your mind to it and you can. Now, how hard do you think it is to change someone else's? Impossible right?
Things that work are counter-intuitive. For example, you work on the relationship by not working on the relationship. You have to fight every urge you have and not talk about it. Fight every urge to go to him. When he comes to you, you have to be the one to end the interaction first.
My favorite words:
"I am sorry you feel that way"
"Perfect"
"I have decided"
"I need time to think about that"
This post links to 11 threads. Read every post in all the threads and you will have a great foundation to move forward:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712Learn the fine art of being seductive. It is a completely counter-intuitive way of attracting someone.
I wish you well and yes, there is hope. Have faith in the process. It has worked for others.
R2C
As many of you can relate, I am so lonely and starving for any kind of affection and touch.
Understandable. The touch thing is easy. 90 minute massages. Pedicures and manicures. Go to a beauty salon and have your hair washed.
Kids give great hugs.
I know this is not exactly what you need, but they help.
R2C , what is the fine art of seduction ? Where can I learn about this? Thanks
It amazes me how many stories we see like this where a WAS has gone out and had an affair and then blames the LBS for it. Like it was completely beyond their control. First of all I hope you really see this for what it is. Your H is a selfish, lying cheater who refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Does that sound harsh? Well it should, because regardless of who you thought you were married to before you are now married to a lying cheater who you cannot trust. And your actions need to reflect that.
In my journal I have written harsh statements like that, so that when I am feeling pathetic and lousy and needy I can read that and get my spine back and my brain back on track. As mean as it may seem, I need that slap of reality so I don't believe the crappy things he's said to me about it being my fault. If you read the book, "Not Just Friends," by Dr. Shirley Glass, she explains the reasons why cheaters do this. They all need a story.
My H has many good qualities, but empathy and compassion are not two of them.
Interesting you mention that in particular. Do you think he's a narcissist?
I think he became one during the affair. His absolute worst qualities came out. I think he is better than he was. He is able to be compassionate to our kids, but its very difficult for him to be compassionate towards me. Perhaps in his mind I represent all his mistakes.
Like Steve said, it doesn't sound like you've been doing any DB'ing so far. All the pursuit and such needs to stop. You need to give him time and space and focus on you and the kids.
You are right. Ugh, it's so embarrassingly needy but the hardest thing to do. But detachment is my number one goal. And GAL. I have been happy with the crumbs he tosses out to me, and I don't want to be that pathetic creature anymore.
Thank you for all your advice! I will read those threads today.
Things that work are counter-intuitive. For example, you work on the relationship by not working on the relationship. You have to fight every urge you have and not talk about it. Fight every urge to go to him. When he comes to you, you have to be the one to end the interaction first.
This is what I need to work on asap. And it is a strong urge for me to fight! My love language is words so I have to fight the urge to talk about it. I have to stop thinking about it in my head as well.
R2C , what is the fine art of seduction ? Where can I learn about this? Thanks
I am wondering the same thing!!!
Until R2C comes around and responds, try doing a google search on it.
First, a little exercise. You mention he has "lots of great qualities"......awesome. Can you list those out for us? Just do a brain dump of all of these awesome qualities he supposedly has.
I think it is important you post a list of all his great qualities. It will help us know what we are dealing with.
Can you do that?
R2C , what is "the art of seduction" ? Where can I learn about this? Thanks
I am wondering the same thing!!!
There is a good book(~500pages) that talks about Rakes, Dandies, Ideal Lovers, Sirens, Naturals, Coquettes, Charmers, etc.
First, a little exercise. You mention he has "lots of great qualities"......awesome. Can you list those out for us? Just do a brain dump of all of these awesome qualities he supposedly has.
I think it is important you post a list of all his great qualities. It will help us know what we are dealing with.
Can you do that?
Here is what I have put together so far (I *think* these are qualities):
Very hard worker (although this can veer into workaholic behavior)
Not afraid to take a risk and start a new business or hobby
Tries hard to be a good provider
Tries to eat healthy and take care of his body; exercises
Spends time on his interests (cycling, snowboarding)
Has worked to become a good father (I used to be basically a single parent; see workaholic above)
Will support me in my endeavors and desires
Has worked to be more spiritual and have a better relationship with Higher Power
First, a little exercise. You mention he has "lots of great qualities"......awesome. Can you list those out for us? Just do a brain dump of all of these awesome qualities he supposedly has.
I think it is important you post a list of all his great qualities. It will help us know what we are dealing with.
Can you do that?
Here is what I have put together so far (I *think* these are qualities):
Very hard worker (although this can veer into workaholic behavior)
Not afraid to take a risk and start a new business or hobby
Tries hard to be a good provider
Tries to eat healthy and take care of his body; exercises
Spends time on his interests (cycling, snowboarding)
Has worked to become a good father (I used to be basically a single parent; see workaholic above)
Will support me in my endeavors and desires
Has worked to be more spiritual and have a better relationship with Higher Power
Ok. This is your list so I won't say these aren't "great" qualities, because to you they may be. That's great.
Objectively though, the first one is both a great and bad one (due the workaholic aspect). I see a couple of "tries". So is he a good provider and is he healthy as you say, or is it just a try? #5, is the appropriate amount of time? Or is that, coupled with working so much, mean that he is gone too much? Then the last one......I am having trouble reconciling that with his behavior towards his wife and his vows.
The reason this is an important exercise, oceangrl, is that when we get BD'd we tend to suddenly think that our S was the most incredible person on the planet and that we could never ever live without them. I was the same way. After my BD suddenly I thought my W was the greatest woman ever. I would extol her virtues to anyone that would listen. The truth was that leading up to BD I was as unhappy, if not more so, than she was. When we get hit with the potential end of our MR, and all that entails (separation from their family, having to coparent, attending activities in our kids lives in the future with them there (and a potential OP), etc) then we start romanticizing how great our S and our MR was. Sometimes doing an exercise like this shows us that maybe they aren't as great as we've trumped them up to be in our imagination.
Keep posting ocean! We are here to help you and support you!
First, a little exercise. You mention he has "lots of great qualities"......awesome. Can you list those out for us? Just do a brain dump of all of these awesome qualities he supposedly has.
I think it is important you post a list of all his great qualities. It will help us know what we are dealing with.
Can you do that?
Here is what I have put together so far (I *think* these are qualities):
Very hard worker (although this can veer into workaholic behavior)
Not afraid to take a risk and start a new business or hobby
Tries hard to be a good provider
Tries to eat healthy and take care of his body; exercises
Spends time on his interests (cycling, snowboarding)
Has worked to become a good father (I used to be basically a single parent; see workaholic above)
Will support me in my endeavors and desires
Has worked to be more spiritual and have a better relationship with Higher Power
Ok. This is your list so I won't say these aren't "great" qualities, because to you they may be. That's great.
Objectively though, the first one is both a great and bad one (due the workaholic aspect). I see a couple of "tries". So is he a good provider and is he healthy as you say, or is it just a try? #5, is the appropriate amount of time? Or is that, coupled with working so much, mean that he is gone too much? Then the last one......I am having trouble reconciling that with his behavior towards his wife and his vows.
The reason this is an important exercise, oceangrl, is that when we get BD'd we tend to suddenly think that our S was the most incredible person on the planet and that we could never ever live without them. I was the same way. After my BD suddenly I thought my W was the greatest woman ever. I would extol her virtues to anyone that would listen. The truth was that leading up to BD I was as unhappy, if not more so, than she was. When we get hit with the potential end of our MR, and all that entails (separation from their family, having to coparent, attending activities in our kids lives in the future with them there (and a potential OP), etc) then we start romanticizing how great our S and our MR was. Sometimes doing an exercise like this shows us that maybe they aren't as great as we've trumped them up to be in our imagination.
Keep posting ocean! We are here to help you and support you!
Totally see your point. I listed "tries" because it is finally a priority for him. Although with the last one, I fully agree that it's hard to reconcile being right with God when not being right with your marriage and family as a priority. I listed it as a priority because he is in the process of getting his values back on track. However that lining up with the way he is treating me is a glaring point.
His habit of needing me to be the one with the most problems and the most to change probably keeps him from doing work on himself. He is also a compartmentalizer, so he can keep it all seperate.
I ABSOLUTELY know that I had rose colored glasses on at the beginning of this. He was the perfect guy (gag) and I made excuse after excuse for his behavior. I chased and pursued, begged and pleaded, tried to convince, basically everything you are not supposed to do. The lenses on those glasses have definitely finally cracked with the realities I am seeing. The selfishness, the prioities, etc. I am last on the list. He complains he does not feel connected to me and doesn't feel passionate feelings for me. Well A., I am not an affair and cannot compare with that. B. he is getting out what he has put into this.
At times I feel angry and done with his selfish behavior and think, "fine, go on and get out of here if you are so sure you can do better than me." Then at other times I think 20+ years and three kids, and I believe we could create something joyful.
Here's something else I'm struggling with....He gets his affection from his kids. So when he comes home or walks in the door, he says hi to me, but has a big hug and "Hi Honey!" or "I've missed you so much!" or "you look amazing!" etc etc. Basically, the greeting and acknowledgment yearn to have. I feel invisible. We went to a town square to look at Christmas lights a few weeks ago, and it was the perfect example of what happens so often: he held both our kids hands with each one of his as we walked on the sidewalk, which meant that I was forced to walk behind them alone. I would never do that to someone; I think it's so selfish and rude. Those are the times when I get so angry because I'm tired of feeling rejection and invisibility. How do you handle this?
Is detachment truly a wise strategy? It seems so opposite of what you are taught to do: lean toward them, don't withdraw, love them, reach for them.
I am so afraid of making more mistakes.
1st, you have to drop all expectations. He had fired you as his wife, start behaving that way. If your job fired you would you keep doing it? Of course not. As LBSs we all at first, after getting BD, and told they want space, start smothering our WAS. He's said he wants less of you, and now you're trying give him more of you? Had anyone ever asked you if you wanted something to eat? Like a piece of cake. You say no but they insist on giving you one? Annoying, huh?
We all struggle thinking detachment can't work. Read the distance-pursuit thread, it makes a ton of sense. And you'll see the wisdom in detaching and being less interactive with him. Plus, if this does proceed to divorce you'll already be healthily detached and in a much better place for taking care of the things you'll need to take care of, with a good sense of equality and fairness.
Plus the opposite of detachment is pressure and pursuit. Detachment in no way guarantees you'll save your marriage, but pressure and pursuit almost always guarantees that you'll push your WAS into following through with leaving and D. It just smothers then and pushes them away.
I hear what you're saying. It makes sense. He definitely fired me as the wife during the long term E and PA. But, if his big complaint it not feeling emotional connection, will detachment work toward that? That's the one place I have trouble with clarity.
I see where it is a huge help with building my own self-esteem and worth, I need to GAL for sure. I just got back from running this morning, so that was one of the things on my list. I see where it promotes toward possible divorce. And I definitely am not interested in pressure and pursuit. But is it avoiding speaking with him or interacting at all when we are in the same house? I am heading to that thread now.
Detachment is not avoiding him. It's letting him come to you. When he does you engage, listen and validate, and be pleased, upbeat, and content.
As far as his complaint about emotional connection. LOL That's typical WAS skewed logic. "I want a D. I need time and space. Oh and I need more emotional connection." ?!?!?!
Believe nothing he says. And half of what he does. He's likely using emotional connection as an excuse for what he's doing. Trust me, it's ALWAYS the LBS' fault.
....You would think he would recognize that I support him through the ups and downs, but nope.
Detaching is my number one biggest challenge. I think I am on a roll with it, and then something like the other day happens, where he holds my kids hands with each of his hands on the sidewalk so I end up walking behind them. I think that's so rude, and I get so hurt and angry....and that makes it so much harder. Those feelings of constant rejection. I believe he gets his "love" from his kids. I love my kids, but I've been replaced by them in getting his emotional needs met.
And I see your point on words being words. I think he wants things easy and convenient....push me into filing, or force it to be a mutual thing so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy. He wants what he calls an "amicable divorce," IE me making it as easy and happy as possible, and as cheap as possible. He gets very upset at the idea that I would use a lawyer. He would like us to sit in front of the kids and tell them that it is both of our idea. That will not be happening. So he talks about it, but as far as I know has acted on nothing...
Sorry you are here, but it is a good place to vent and get support. I could have written the language quoted above. I have supported my husband through some very tough times (including infidelity, financial issues, and even him having been in trouble with the law) but he has clearly forgotten my loyalty. "Standing by my man" has gotten me nothing but a huge slap in the face.
My H also gets "love" from the kids. He is so affectionate to them, but sometimes will not even say a word to me or even look at me. We have been intimate a few times since the BD two months ago, but even that is different; it is like being intimate with a stranger almost.
My H is definitely trying to pressure me into agreeing to a divorce. He is tormenting me so that I have come very close to throwing in the towel, but folks here like job and sandi2 have talked me down "off the ledge." He has sent me information on "amicable divorces" by mutual agreement. I think he wants to tell family, friends, and business colleagues who have worked with both of us that we both decided to get a D. As mean as he is to me nowadays, he has a reputation in our town of being a "good guy." If we cannot reconcile and have to get a D, I will be (1) getting a lawyer and (2) making it clear that this was not my choice. I have made it clear to him that I absolutely do not want a D and I truly believe this is the reason he has been so angry, spent many nights away from home without letting me know where he is, shuts himself in the basement for the few hours he does spend at home, etc. He does not want to be seen by others as the bad guy, but shows me on a quite regular basis that he is truly indeed the "bad guy." I never knew he could be so mean-spirited. He also lacks compassion and empathy, and I actually do believe he is a narcissist now that I have read up on narcissistic tendencies. When he wanted me, he was so lovable and affectionate; now that he does not want me, he has tossed me to the side like a disposable dirty rag.
The reason this is an important exercise, oceangrl, is that when we get BD'd we tend to suddenly think that our S was the most incredible person on the planet and that we could never ever live without them. I was the same way. After my BD suddenly I thought my W was the greatest woman ever. I would extol her virtues to anyone that would listen. The truth was that leading up to BD I was as unhappy, if not more so, than she was. When we get hit with the potential end of our MR, and all that entails (separation from their family, having to coparent, attending activities in our kids lives in the future with them there (and a potential OP), etc) then we start romanticizing how great our S and our MR was. Sometimes doing an exercise like this shows us that maybe they aren't as great as we've trumped them up to be in our imagination.
I definitely need to do this exercise. I have been romanticizing my H, knowing full well that I was so fed up with so much of what he was doing (or not doing) before the BD. I think he was probably surprised when I was actually saying that I did not want a D.
Hi oceangrl,
I am so sorry to read your story. You have landed on a great support group here and will find a thousand caring friends. I read you trying to decipher the meaning of all the DB advice and apply it to your own situation with great hope of salvaging your family. Being a man who holds value in commitment and vows before God I hope it all works out for you. However...........Being a few years past the divorce and several past the BD I would like to inform you that there is an amazing world out here past the carnage you are currently experiencing. There has never been a better time to be a middle aged person in the free world and I for one am loving it.
I would encourage you no matter whether it is your intention of winning back your husband or some potentially incredible guy in the future to do the things you did back when you were single. Put a little differently than the recommendations of this site, use this moment to get back to the vibrant hottie you were when your future husband first noticed you. Number one get in the gym. Two pick up the hobbies and talents you enjoyed before you launched yourself into being the worlds greatest mom and wife and get back to being an amazing you. Lastly keep in mind that half of the single people in the world are men and some of us are looking for someone exactly like you.
I am not necessarily trying to make you think about life beyond your marriage but I assure you that there is one and it is amazing. This hot young lady you will get back to being will not only attract the delivery man but will also catch the eye of your husband. I am pulling for you always and will pray for you.
God Bless, Mark
Detachment is not avoiding him. It's letting him come to you. When he does you engage, listen and validate, and be pleased, upbeat, and content.
As far as his complaint about emotional connection. LOL That's typical WAS skewed logic. "I want a D. I need time and space. Oh and I need more emotional connection." ?!?!?!
Believe nothing he says. And half of what he does. He's likely using emotional connection as an excuse for what he's doing. Trust me, it's ALWAYS the LBS' fault.
This is exactly the clarity I needed. He did (shockingly) hold my hand for a minute at the mall yesterday. So I understand if he engages with me that's one thing, but I am not pursuing and reaching for him. That makes sense.
mark --
thank you for your encouraging words. It means a lot. And I am sorry for all you have had to go through in the past few years. I, of course, hope for my family to stay intact, but also greatly value the process of building myself back up to have a great future no matter what happens. I posted earlier that I really lost connection with myself, and I am enjoying getting to know myself again. And I am definitely going to be working on being in shape. I want to be strong in all different ways.
Sorry you are here, but it is a good place to vent and get support. I could have written the language quoted above. I have supported my husband through some very tough times (including infidelity, financial issues, and even him having been in trouble with the law) but he has clearly forgotten my loyalty. "Standing by my man" has gotten me nothing but a huge slap in the face.
My H also gets "love" from the kids. He is so affectionate to them, but sometimes will not even say a word to me or even look at me. We have been intimate a few times since the BD two months ago, but even that is different; it is like being intimate with a stranger almost.
My H is definitely trying to pressure me into agreeing to a divorce. He is tormenting me so that I have come very close to throwing in the towel, but folks here like job and sandi2 have talked me down "off the ledge." He has sent me information on "amicable divorces" by mutual agreement. I think he wants to tell family, friends, and business colleagues who have worked with both of us that we both decided to get a D. As mean as he is to me nowadays, he has a reputation in our town of being a "good guy." If we cannot reconcile and have to get a D, I will be (1) getting a lawyer and (2) making it clear that this was not my choice. I have made it clear to him that I absolutely do not want a D and I truly believe this is the reason he has been so angry, spent many nights away from home without letting me know where he is, shuts himself in the basement for the few hours he does spend at home, etc. He does not want to be seen by others as the bad guy, but shows me on a quite regular basis that he is truly indeed the "bad guy." I never knew he could be so mean-spirited. He also lacks compassion and empathy, and I actually do believe he is a narcissist now that I have read up on narcissistic tendencies. When he wanted me, he was so lovable and affectionate; now that he does not want me, he has tossed me to the side like a disposable dirty rag.
Yes, our stories seem so similar. What you are saying really resonates with me. This forum, in just a few days, has already become so valuable to me because I feel less crazy and I don't feel so alone anymore. It helped me to be happy last night and detach and appreciate myself. I felt so much more supported.
I agree that your and my husband would like to divorce with the least possible trouble and consequence. To just say, "we tried hard but just fell out of love and couldn't make it work. My husband will plan something in his head and then be angry when I have a different opinion or don't want to go along with it. Before, I would back down because I wanted to please him. I thought if I showed how easy going or nice I was it would make a difference and he would want me. As you can imagine, that never worked. Not once. I had to learn the hard way about boundaries and advocating for myself. And I do believe you need a lawyer. Not to be nasty, but to make sure you understand how the system can work, to advocate for your and your children's future. My husband honestly thinks we can get divorce but still be like best friends and hang out and talk. ??? While I don't have a desire to be bitter or play games, I would not want to be best friends. Sometimes I feel like I live on Planet Crazy and he is the mayor.
I agree also with the realization that we do romanticize our spouses, and forget that we were unhappy also. It's good to remember their good points and why we fell for them, but not to turn it into something unhealthy. That doesn't do either one of us any favors.
My husband honestly thinks we can get divorce but still be like best friends and hang out and talk. ??? While I don't have a desire to be bitter or play games, I would not want to be best friends. Sometimes I feel like I live on Planet Crazy and he is the mayor.
My H thinks we can get a divorce and he can still stay in the basement. There is no way I could do that. I heard that a couple on some reality show did that and ended up reconciling, but in my view that would be way too stressful and painful.
My H thinks we can get a divorce and he can still stay in the basement. There is no way I could do that. I heard that a couple on some reality show did that and ended up reconciling, but in my view that would be way too stressful and painful.
Yes, I am learning to find out how to honor myself. I do not think I could do the same thing either. How do you grieve and heal and move forward like that? Yuck. Especially if he started dating or something. So awkward. I think the only way you could do that is if you both had zero feelings for each other (not even anger or sadness). I am definitely not there.
I ABSOLUTELY know that I had rose colored glasses on at the beginning of this. He was the perfect guy (gag) and I made excuse after excuse for his behavior. I chased and pursued, begged and pleaded, tried to convince, basically everything you are not supposed to do. The lenses on those glasses have definitely finally cracked with the realities I am seeing. The selfishness, the prioities, etc. I am last on the list. He complains he does not feel connected to me and doesn't feel passionate feelings for me. Well A., I am not an affair and cannot compare with that. B. he is getting out what he has put into this.
At times I feel angry and done with his selfish behavior and think, "fine, go on and get out of here if you are so sure you can do better than me." Then at other times I think 20+ years and three kids, and I believe we could create something joyful.
Oceangirl I could have written this myself. In fact I see myself in most of your posts! I too am wearing rose-tinted specs about how great he is, because for much of our M I have been number 3/4/5 on his list behind his ego, his car, his job etc. But like you, I do feel we could have something great again, but maybe that’s just a fantasy, as much as his ‘get D but be best friends’ fantasy is!
I feel the same about how he interacts with the kids, is it right to feel almost jealous when he tells them he loves and misses them? And now I’ve seen the “I love you” txt to the EAP I am even more hurt at how easy it is to say ILY to others but obvs not to me.
Like you, I am struggling with the concept of detachment when his issue is being unable to connect with me. I’m trying to memorise Steve’s comments that it’s about being attentive and validating when he speaks, but not to go to him. Nighttime is hardest for me because for the last year we have always gone to bed with cuddles, kisses, holding hands in the night, and now it’s stopped. It wasn’t necessarily me who initiated it either.
I’m also trying to acknowledge that detachment will be healthier in the long run regardless of outcome of the R.
Keep strong! X
Hi Oceangirl,
nice name. I enjoy taking my boat to the ocean and fishing, beaching, grilling on islands, but all my family is far from it. But that's in Florida, and California boating and water is different.
His effort is pathetic. The pressure you are applying is probably not helping. It'd be better if he saw your butt happily walking out the day a few days a week to go do something fun with your life... The person cheating or walking away is always using "happiness" to justify breaking their vows and I can't help but laugh. Perhaps marriage was not for them because it requires people to give that up sometimes to meet their commitment. I think sacrifice like that is what we call "love".
I love that you know about the cheeseless tunnels analogy and how it applies to your sitch. In a happy, healthy R you would be fine being open with him. Unfortunately that's not where you are. His big complaint about no emotional connection is something that you can't 180 on right now. It would require his commitment to your marriage.
As for your GAL, I think getting stronger sounds great. I think you may need more than that too though. You have a lot of opportunity for outdoor GAL in your AO. I was there in the spring and was thoroughly amazed by the mild weather and number of activities available. Mountains, beaches, hiking, sports, what do you enjoy?
I post about the same thing to most new people:
1. Detachment means not letting what he says or does affect your mood.
2. GAL
3. 180's/Self Improvement
4. Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Good luck!
I ABSOLUTELY know that I had rose colored glasses on at the beginning of this. He was the perfect guy (gag) and I made excuse after excuse for his behavior. I chased and pursued, begged and pleaded, tried to convince, basically everything you are not supposed to do. The lenses on those glasses have definitely finally cracked with the realities I am seeing. The selfishness, the prioities, etc. I am last on the list. He complains he does not feel connected to me and doesn't feel passionate feelings for me. Well A., I am not an affair and cannot compare with that. B. he is getting out what he has put into this.
At times I feel angry and done with his selfish behavior and think, "fine, go on and get out of here if you are so sure you can do better than me." Then at other times I think 20+ years and three kids, and I believe we could create something joyful.
Oceangirl I could have written this myself. In fact I see myself in most of your posts! I too am wearing rose-tinted specs about how great he is, because for much of our M I have been number 3/4/5 on his list behind his ego, his car, his job etc. But like you, I do feel we could have something great again, but maybe that’s just a fantasy, as much as his ‘get D but be best friends’ fantasy is!
I feel the same about how he interacts with the kids, is it right to feel almost jealous when he tells them he loves and misses them? And now I’ve seen the “I love you” txt to the EAP I am even more hurt at how easy it is to say ILY to others but obvs not to me.
Like you, I am struggling with the concept of detachment when his issue is being unable to connect with me. I’m trying to memorise Steve’s comments that it’s about being attentive and validating when he speaks, but not to go to him. Nighttime is hardest for me because for the last year we have always gone to bed with cuddles, kisses, holding hands in the night, and now it’s stopped. It wasn’t necessarily me who initiated it either.
I’m also trying to acknowledge that detachment will be healthier in the long run regardless of outcome of the R.
Keep strong! X
Yes, it is incredibly hard to fight those rejection/jealous feelings. My husband is not in an A any longer, but I still have the memory of all their photos and sappy emails to each other.
I was seriously torturing myself for awhile with the absolute rejection and loneliness of having him show the affection I craved so badly right in front of me to my kids. What has helped me, is to stop myself in those thoughts right away. Otherwise, I head down a dark tunnel of discouragement that affects my ability to be my best self in front of him. i had to recognize that I was giving it way too much power over my life.
I had a therapist once say to me, "if you took your power back, if all that energy was focused on you, what would you do with it?" So I started thinking, what would I do with my time if I weren't focusing on him? Because I have been doing that too much, and that's when I feel the worst.
So when he does that I still am laughing, have a big smile on my face, if they are walking in front of me I still try to put a confident spring in my step, and I also think to myself how sad it is. That it's about him not me.
I think to myself, he may not choose me, but I choose me. I'm awesome. I'm smart, beautiful, funny, I have great people in my life. And that makes the mental difference for me. Otherwise, I start feeling more and more desperate and want to revert to my pursuing and pressure ways.
ovrrnbw, I am from Florida!!! I grew up there, so I love the ocean. Yes, California water life is WAY different. But you are correct, I am trying to get out. I like the fact you can hike here, so I am finding places to go.
It's hard for me, because I am trying not to pursue. I am trying detachment. It just sometimes seems to feel like crazy logic -- like if he says he wants a connection, why wouldn't I try to hold his hand, etc. But nothing makes sense in this world anymore.
I am just trying to hard to keep standing back up. When I feel like I am knocked over, I keep doing my best to get back up. For me.
Our stories are a lot alike except my H moved out. 28 year marriage, 3 kids, pursue/chase dynamic, lack of empathy, compassion, etc. He never filed and I thought it meant I had a chance until my 19 year old son found out about the OW (H doesn't know). That was enough for me since he'd already left me. With my kids blessing I filed for D the very next day.
There is always hope problem is it will most likely happen after you've moved on.
I have been reading quite a bit on the MLC board. It sounds so familiar, the gym, the new wardrobe and hair, the diet, the sports car. It's like a walking cliché. The funny thing is he had me style him as he trusts my style. I was so naive then!
I have of course read DR many times already. I am now reading Dr. James Dobson's book about how love must be tough. It is so interesting how he also advocates the detachment/LRT philosophy. It is so hard to do it --even if it makes sense on some level -- because it goes against our human instinct. Everything inside me will scream, "what are you doing!" But everything else I've done hasn't worked. I really sadly suppose I have nothing else to lose.
And there is a part of me that has lost so much respect for him that I don't want him back. Is that normal?
And there is a part of me that has lost so much respect for him that I don't want him back. Is that normal?
I think it is normal for our feelings to vacillate and loss of respect is one of those feelings that ebbs and flows. Long-term I think feeling disrespected can turn into resentment and anger -- which demonstrates a lack of detachment. It's definitely a Zen mind-trick to be able to withstand the emotional blows while having empathy for the other person, but it's a goal worth pursuing (IMO).
I had a therapist once say to me, "if you took your power back, if all that energy was focused on you, what would you do with it?" So I started thinking, what would I do with my time if I weren't focusing on him? Because I have been doing that too much, and that's when I feel the worst.
This is great advice. For all of us.
I had a therapist once say to me, "if you took your power back, if all that energy was focused on you, what would you do with it?" So I started thinking, what would I do with my time if I weren't focusing on him? Because I have been doing that too much, and that's when I feel the worst.
That’s that DB is all about!! Focus on YOU...and what you can do to make yourself a better person.
I’m awesome. I'm smart, beautiful, funny, I have great people in my life. And that makes the mental difference for me. Otherwise, I start feeling more and more desperate and want to revert to my pursuing and pressure ways.
That is exactly right!! You are on the right track of not beating yourself down because of what has transpired between you and your H. Keep up the positivity and focusing within yourself.
I think it is normal for our feelings to vacillate and loss of respect is one of those feelings that ebbs and flows. Long-term I think feeling disrespected can turn into resentment and anger -- which demonstrates a lack of detachment. It's definitely a Zen mind-trick to be able to withstand the emotional blows while having empathy for the other person, but it's a goal worth pursuing (IMO).
Zen mind-trick for sure. I am working on it, even though my instinct is like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" It feels like I am sending the message that I don't care about him and I am fine with him leaving. Is that the message though? Or is it just, I am fine no matter what?
I had a therapist once say to me, "if you took your power back, if all that energy was focused on you, what would you do with it?" So I started thinking, what would I do with my time if I weren't focusing on him? Because I have been doing that too much, and that's when I feel the worst.
That’s that DB is all about!! Focus on YOU...and what you can do to make yourself a better person.
I’m awesome. I'm smart, beautiful, funny, I have great people in my life. And that makes the mental difference for me. Otherwise, I start feeling more and more desperate and want to revert to my pursuing and pressure ways.
That is exactly right!! You are on the right track of not beating yourself down because of what has transpired between you and your H. Keep up the positivity and focusing within yourself.
It's a little sad to think of it, but yes, I am learning how to stop beating myself up and accepting so much blame. It's funny, because I can see it on someone else's post clearly, but not so much in my own life!
Outside links are not allowed, i.e., whether the link is scrambled with letters or numbers to allow posters to view.
That’s a great thing to watch! I have a new mantra!
Just watched most of it today. Man, it really takes rewiring your brain to adopt a new healthy outlook.
This morning, I felt like not getting out of bed. Limbo, being unwanted for so long, is hard. It is draining and exhausting. But I sat and looked out the window and started "talking" to myself. That I would be okay. That I will be happy. That I cannot see my worth based on his view of my worth. That I cannot validate myself through him. I try to use words like "empower" and "opportunity." I pray a lot. It is a constant fight right now. It's nice to see here that I am not the only one doing the same thing every day, although I am sorry we all have to do it!
Just watched most of it today. Man, it really takes rewiring your brain to adopt a new healthy outlook.
This morning, I felt like not getting out of bed. Limbo, being unwanted for so long, is hard. It is draining and exhausting. But I sat and looked out the window and started "talking" to myself. That I would be okay. That I will be happy. That I cannot see my worth based on his view of my worth. That I cannot validate myself through him. I try to use words like "empower" and "opportunity." I pray a lot. It is a constant fight right now. It's nice to see here that I am not the only one doing the same thing every day, although I am sorry we all have to do it!
Hi OG I have had a bad day too, I’m thinking of you ! You are worth far more and you know it, but it’s hard , I know how bad you feel right now. I can’t offer any DB tips - leave that to the experts- but as far as feeling your pain, I’m with you. I don’t know why we hold out for people who show us no love, respect, etc. It’s not making much sense right now! Keep believing in yourself and remember how awesome you are!
Just watched most of it today. Man, it really takes rewiring your brain to adopt a new healthy outlook.
This morning, I felt like not getting out of bed. Limbo, being unwanted for so long, is hard. It is draining and exhausting. But I sat and looked out the window and started "talking" to myself. That I would be okay. That I will be happy. That I cannot see my worth based on his view of my worth. That I cannot validate myself through him. I try to use words like "empower" and "opportunity." I pray a lot. It is a constant fight right now. It's nice to see here that I am not the only one doing the same thing every day, although I am sorry we all have to do it!
Hi OG I have had a bad day too, I’m thinking of you ! You are worth far more and you know it, but it’s hard , I know how bad you feel right now. I can’t offer any DB tips - leave that to the experts- but as far as feeling your pain, I’m with you. I don’t know why we hold out for people who show us no love, respect, etc. It’s not making much sense right now! Keep believing in yourself and remember how awesome you are!
Thank you so much for your support and kindness! These days are hard. But rather than drowning in the sucking hole of discouragement, I am trying so hard to rewire my brain and do things differently. Its such a good question you asked -- why do we hold out for people who show us no love, respect, etc. It's something I've been really thinking about. What an I worth? I think what i do like about so many of the tips here is that it helps us find our self-respect again. I mean, how would my H ever respect me if I don't respect myself? If I am okay with being nothing more than a Plan B, and settling for crumbs of love that get thrown out here and there. I've been doing this exact thing for three years. Which is a little embarrassing.
We live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, but there is little affection. We talk, etc, and he helps with the kids and around the house. But he definitely has an emotional wall built up that he will not let me near. I have been throwing myself against this wall over and over, no matter how it beats my body up. But I am finally realizing that I can only control myself and my feelings. And my happiness. I've been working hard on being pleasant but not pursuing. I am determined to keep going, no matter how scary and new it can be.
Just watched most of it today. Man, it really takes rewiring your brain to adopt a new healthy outlook.
This morning, I felt like not getting out of bed. Limbo, being unwanted for so long, is hard. It is draining and exhausting. But I sat and looked out the window and started "talking" to myself. That I would be okay. That I will be happy. That I cannot see my worth based on his view of my worth. That I cannot validate myself through him. I try to use words like "empower" and "opportunity." I pray a lot. It is a constant fight right now. It's nice to see here that I am not the only one doing the same thing every day, although I am sorry we all have to do it!
Great job.
Listen to some Kelly Clarkson. Since U Been Gone is a good one!
You're doing great OG. I second Steves suggestion re listening to music - I set up a playlist of songs which I could scream at the top of my lungs (when he wasn't there of course). My girls and I would jump around the kitchen or sing (mostly out tune). I found Praying a really good one and anything by the Eurythmics.
Stand up comedy is good too - when I was really down and needed to laugh.
Listen to some Kelly Clarkson. Since U Been Gone is a good one!
Lol!! Also “I don’t think about you” is good too. I also listen to Jhene Aiko.
Thank you so much for your support and kindness! These days are hard. But rather than drowning in the sucking hole of discouragement, I am trying so hard to rewire my brain and do things differently. Its such a good question you asked -- why do we hold out for people who show us no love, respect, etc. It's something I've been really thinking about. What an I worth? I think what i do like about so many of the tips here is that it helps us find our self-respect again. I mean, how would my H ever respect me if I don't respect myself? If I am okay with being nothing more than a Plan B, and settling for crumbs of love that get thrown out here and there. I've been doing this exact thing for three years. Which is a little embarrassing
I reflected last night on how my H would feel if our daughter were in this situation; that our daughter was the W (me) and my H had to stand back and watch another man treat his daughter in the way H is treating me. He would be pretty upset, I am sure. He would find the other man’s behaviour unacceptable and would encourage our D to step up and show strength and self-respect, not be treated like a doormat. He would tell her she deserves better. I know I need to be that strong self-respecting person that he would encourage our D to be.
Momento Mori.
I loved this video, R2C. Thanks for posting it!!
You're doing great OG. I second Steves suggestion re listening to music - I set up a playlist of songs which I could scream at the top of my lungs (when he wasn't there of course). My girls and I would jump around the kitchen or sing (mostly out tune). I found Praying a really good one and anything by the Eurythmics.
Stand up comedy is good too - when I was really down and needed to laugh.
I love music, so this is a great reminder! Getting my body to move definitely helps. I notice today I did pretty great most of the day, and then I just have an hour where it feels so freaking hard. I question everything I'm doing and feel hopeless. So then I came here, and I'm doing my best to pick myself back up. Thanks for all your support!
R2C, this is amazing-- thank you for sharing. I have watched it three times now and somehow-- especially the sports and control one-- speaks to me more than anything else has so far.
OG,
Hang in there. I know it is awful. I want to second the recommendation for working out-- somehow (at least for me) becoming physically strong again rather than just thinner made a huge difference in how I feel about myself. And there is something in the sweating and hard work and accomplishment (like going from only being able to do push ups on my knees to being able to knock out a couple dozen easily) that really just feeds my self-confidence and inner strength. Even if you just start out with like the 7 minute exercise app-- it really helps.
Another thing I read sbout here that I tried and I think has really helped is the supplement 5-HTP. I feel like it improved my mood the second day I took it, and my sleep has been a lot better (though by no means perfect) as well. For me, a good night's sleep will fix a lot!
Keep up the good work. You can do this. You don't need him or any man to be happy.
R2C, this is amazing-- thank you for sharing. I have watched it three times now and somehow-- especially the sports and control one-- speaks to me more than anything else has so far.
OG,
Hang in there. I know it is awful. I want to second the recommendation for working out-- somehow (at least for me) becoming physically strong again rather than just thinner made a huge difference in how I feel about myself. And there is something in the sweating and hard work and accomplishment (like going from only being able to do push ups on my knees to being able to knock out a couple dozen easily) that really just feeds my self-confidence and inner strength. Even if you just start out with like the 7 minute exercise app-- it really helps.
Another thing I read sbout here that I tried and I think has really helped is the supplement 5-HTP. I feel like it improved my mood the second day I took it, and my sleep has been a lot better (though by no means perfect) as well. For me, a good night's sleep will fix a lot!
Keep up the good work. You can do this. You don't need him or any man to be happy.[/quote]
thanks so much for these words. I have spent most of my life needing him or something to be happy. Ugh. So I am happy to be able to be learning about myself and my capabilities. I have decided I am a catch haha.
I agree the video was fantastic. I am reminding myself of that over and over again. What I have control of, and that is where my power lies. There is a book I think called "Radical Forgiveness," and it talks about being thankful for the horrible things that have happened to us because it has the potential to make us who we've always wanted to be.
I am determined to get up earlier and exercise. I want to be strong in every way. I am thin, but weak for sure!
So I am trying to figure out how to do that on my own.
My husband told me when I finally found out who his OW was (PS one of my really good friends), that she was his best friend and so much more. That used to hurt me so deeply, and I feel like one of my biggest pieces of work for myself (and detachment) is to be able to be at peace knowing that I may never be his "so much more." And I want to be okay with that.
I don't want to be someone's plan b. Or the thing they settle for. And I am a bit ashamed to admit it, but previously...yeah I was willing to take those crumbs. It's so sad. But I am happy with the direction I am going.
Working on GALing plan. Is it sad that its hard to think what to do? I am in that much out of practice?
Working on GALing plan. Is it sad that its hard to think what to do? I am in that much out of practice?
You need to find your identity again. You had it once before, it's there.
I am really studying the detachment thread as I am in so much pain and sorrow tonight. We went out with a friend who is in town, which is so much fun. The friend teased us about ending the night intimately, but it was awkward for us because I know he will not touch me. And he didn't. And I watched "Marriage Story" and "Grace and Frankie" on netflix because I didn't realize what they are about and the train wreck of emotions it would cause.
I just feel awful. I know he wants to leave and is trying to figure out how to afford it. My son makes comments about how he wants us to kiss and when it's just me will cry because he is terrified of divorce. It makes me feel lower than dirt. I have never felt such pain. And I feel like I have no control over the future.
I don't know what my life will be like in the future. I am trying so hard to detach and focus on myself. It just gets discouraging at times and I wonder if there are any success stories and if this really does work. I hope there is hope out there. Thanks for your support.
OG - first, full disclosure, I have not read your entire thread but the feelings you describe here feel all to familiar and I felt the need to respond and let you know you are not alone.
I know he wants to leave and is trying to figure out how to afford it.
Yes, he is doing this. As I am sure you are too. As am I. As is my H. We all do. This is natural in sitch's which are up in the air. After BD my H set up alerts to notify him whenever a suitable property came up for rent in our area. We had discussed him moving out but I hadn't realised he had gone to the extent at actually looking for properties. It sent me spinning. But you know what, he was just getting his ducks in a row in case he MO. He did MO, but my spinning didn't help it either way, probably made it worse. Don't enable him, but let him get on with it.
My son makes comments about how he wants us to kiss and when it's just me will cry because he is terrified of divorce.
This is where you should concentrate your efforts. Remind him he is loved, he will always be loved, and that nothing will change that. It is tough. Kids always want their parents to stay together, and will try (in their own way) to manipulate their parents. Understand that it isn't helping. Your H doesn't want to touch you and your child encouraging him to do that will feel like emotional blackmail by proxy. So, don't be in the same room. Sit on the opposite side of the table. And don't look sad when your son says things like that. Make a joke of it, "Mummy's just been cutting onions and is a bit smelly at the moment" (but maybe only when you've been cutting onions :)). Defuse and lighten the situation.
And I feel like I have no control over the future ... I don't know what my life will be like in the future.
Stop thinking about the future. Find ways to enjoy the present.
It just gets discouraging at times and I wonder if there are any success stories and if this really does work.
We are all success stories, but maybe not always in the way you are defining success right now. Its difficult to get accurate statistics, many people stop posting (either because they've reconciled or they've moved on) but gut feel tells me only a handful end up reconciling. Those that do continue to post and have reconciled say they are happier now than before (it really is a MR 2.0) and those that have moved on say they are happier now than they were before. OG - you cannot know the future. You have to do the work.
That is the only hope we can give you. That if you do the work, then you will be happier than you were before.
There was a poster who collected all the stories which ended up in R (I can't remember who though). Adam04 is a recent addition to the list. If you go on the Surviving the Big D Forum then you will find a lot of good people who will say they too are success stories.
OG...FS has given you some great advice and insight...as she did in my sitch. Your expressed emotions resonated with me as well. I know exactly where you are at right now. I was there a year ago. Terrified, sad, confused, incredulous, feeling hopeless and helpless, worried about my kids, worried about the future, longing for the comfort and stability of my old life (only an illusion, I now know)... you name it, I felt it. Even just writing about it starts to create some anxiety in the pit of my stomach and I am over it and over him.
I never, ever want to go through something that painful ever again and I have immense empathy for the newcomers on here who are just starting out on their journey. And that is really what it is...a journey. Not one you wanted to take but one you are on regardless and it is a journey that you DO get to control. You may not have any influence or control over what he does but you have all of the control over what you do.
Re: your son. I worried incessantly about my kids and what this was doing or could do to them. Honestly....what I learned pretty quickly is A) kids are very adaptable and can still thrive if you work hard to be good co-parents and B) they get their cues from you. If I could do it all over again, I would work harder in the beginning to keep my sadness from my kids. Their sadness faded In concert with mine. For months my son was hypervigalent around me. If I sniffled for any reason, he was worried I was sad or crying. It took some time but eventually he came to trust that I was okay and because he knew I would be okay, he knew that he would be okay as well. Show your son you are okay as much as you possibly can. It is the best gift you can give him...and yourself.
OG...I consider myself to be one of those success stories. No I was not able to save my marriage. I did not get him back... but I did get me back. And if someone came to me today and offered me a time machine so I could go back and try to do some things differently, I wouldn’t do it. Because my XH would still be the kind of guy who will allow resentments to build and ultimately cheat on his partner. I deserve to be with someone better than that. I deserve to be with someone who loves me enough to weather life’s storms and to forgive me for my imperfections. I need someone who is as loyal and committed as I am. I know there is someone like that out there and I’m not going to settle for anything less. You shouldn’t either. (((HUGS)))
... I watched "Marriage Story"... the train wreck of emotions it would cause.
I watched this the other day as well. That must have been hard for you, it was hard for me and my D was 10 years ago.
Google this: Hu0xDtK3g3Q
HUGS
OG... No one wanted out more than my wife. If you read my sitch, she was so far gone I had to start mourning her. Even when her EA ended, she started looking for EA#2. She even put up a public profile on a dating site, picture and all, explaining how she couldn't date yet but that her marriage was over and she would be able to date in the near future.
DBing works. In my case it turned my sitch around. As I embraced what she wanted 2 things happened: I started to accept it and be at ease with it. And she started to doubt that it was really what she wanted.
Focus on you. Let him figure out his own stuff.
FlySolo, DejaVu6, and Ready to Change, thank you for your posts and support. I really needed it today. One day I think I can do this, and another, I feel so rejected and hurt I want to stay in bed. This weekend is hard because it hurts more for some reason not to have him hug me in the morning or before we go to bed, or when my kids aren't home and I know in healthy relationships they would no doubt take the opportunity to be intimate but we just watch tv. It's so weird. Keeping my self-esteem up and not having a pity party is a full time job. And limbo [censored]. We sleep in the same bed, all sit in the same pew at church and have family dinner. I feel guilt that from the outside we look like a perfect family. But he rarely touches me. Today he did hug me which came as a surprise. I hugged him back, but did nothing else.
One of the hardestt things for me with detachment is learning how to remain pleasant and not cold.
OG... No one wanted out more than my wife. If you read my sitch, she was so far gone I had to start mourning her. Even when her EA ended, she started looking for EA#2. She even put up a public profile on a dating site, picture and all, explaining how she couldn't date yet but that her marriage was over and she would be able to date in the near future.
DBing works. In my case it turned my sitch around. As I embraced what she wanted 2 things happened: I started to accept it and be at ease with it. And she started to doubt that it was really what she wanted.
Focus on you. Let him figure out his own stuff.
Wow. Can you tell me what specific DB approaches you used? I mean, I know you have said GAL and detaching. I am wondering if you did things from the DR book, like making goals, acting "as if," etc. Sometimes it gets so confusing in my head trying to juggle it all.
I will keep working on myself and detaching. It is still hard, but I am way better at it than the codependent, pursuing mess I was before.
OG... No one wanted out more than my wife. If you read my sitch, she was so far gone I had to start mourning her. Even when her EA ended, she started looking for EA#2. She even put up a public profile on a dating site, picture and all, explaining how she couldn't date yet but that her marriage was over and she would be able to date in the near future.
DBing works. In my case it turned my sitch around. As I embraced what she wanted 2 things happened: I started to accept it and be at ease with it. And she started to doubt that it was really what she wanted.
Focus on you. Let him figure out his own stuff.
Wow. Can you tell me what specific DB approaches you used? I mean, I know you have said GAL and detaching. I am wondering if you did things from the DR book, like making goals, acting "as if," etc. Sometimes it gets so confusing in my head trying to juggle it all.
I will keep working on myself and detaching. It is still hard, but I am way better at it than the codependent, pursuing mess I was before.
I stuck pretty close to the book. Acting "as if" works wonders.
The only things I did off script was talk and touch charges. But those do not work on all sitches so be careful with them
My 180s were the biggest things I did. I had gotten bitter, angry and mean. Turning around on that bad behavior and being consistent in it eventually paid dividends.
But GAL and detaching were huge. She went from not caring where I was or what I was doing, to constantly asking me what was wrong. I would always answer in a very upbeat "nothing is wrong, things are great". That confused the heck out of her.
But GAL and detaching were huge. She went from not caring where I was or what I was doing, to constantly asking me what was wrong. I would always answer in a very upbeat "nothing is wrong, things are great". That confused the heck out of her.
If I was a woman, I would get dolled up and go out and get a coffee, or shopping at Walmart. No need to tell him where you are going or where you went.
W:"I am going out"
This post needs to be put in it's own thread and stickied.
OG... No one wanted out more than my wife. If you read my sitch, she was so far gone I had to start mourning her. Even when her EA ended, she started looking for EA#2. She even put up a public profile on a dating site, picture and all, explaining how she couldn't date yet but that her marriage was over and she would be able to date in the near future.
DBing works. In my case it turned my sitch around. As I embraced what she wanted 2 things happened: I started to accept it and be at ease with it. And she started to doubt that it was really what she wanted.
Focus on you. Let him figure out his own stuff.
Wow. Can you tell me what specific DB approaches you used? I mean, I know you have said GAL and detaching. I am wondering if you did things from the DR book, like making goals, acting "as if," etc. Sometimes it gets so confusing in my head trying to juggle it all.
I will keep working on myself and detaching. It is still hard, but I am way better at it than the codependent, pursuing mess I was before.
I stuck pretty close to the book. Acting "as if" works wonders.
The only things I did off script was talk and touch charges. But those do not work on all sitches so be careful with them
My 180s were the biggest things I did. I had gotten bitter, angry and mean. Turning around on that bad behavior and being consistent in it eventually paid dividends.
But GAL and detaching were huge. She went from not caring where I was or what I was doing, to constantly asking me what was wrong. I would always answer in a very upbeat "nothing is wrong, things are great". That confused the heck out of her.
That makes sense, thanks! I have been working hard on this. And when I get discouraged and hopeless, instead of pursuing him and wanting reassurances like the sad sack I used to be, I go in the bathroom and pull myself together instead. I take a minute and breathe and cry if i need to. Sometimes I've done jumping jacks haha.
He ignored me friday and saturday. And then on sunday he was so nice to me and even gave me a kiss on my check before he left for something. I was like ????? BUT.... before I would have jumped at those breadcrumbs and jumped back on the emotional roller coaster. This time I just accepted what he offered, and then went right back to my new headspace. You know, maybe it means something positive, maybe it doesn't. I do know he isn't one to do anything he doesn't want to. If he needs affection he just goes to the kids.
I also don't change in front of him. I change in the bathroom. It just helps me feel more empowered and more mysterious. He doesn't get that part of me right now. No cake and eating it too, buddy. He has told me he has noticed I am a different person in the past year. I have been working on my 180s. But before this site I was still pursuing and pressuring so he knew I was always an option. Needy and desperate fit me to the core.
Are you talk and touch charges from Mort Fortel? I've listened to his stuff, and he has some good ideas to offer that I feel complement DB. Not everything, of course.
Fighting the hopeless waves that come at times are the hardest. But I do feel I am progressing.
But GAL and detaching were huge. She went from not caring where I was or what I was doing, to constantly asking me what was wrong. I would always answer in a very upbeat "nothing is wrong, things are great". That confused the heck out of her.
If I was a woman, I would get dolled up and go out and get a coffee, or shopping at Walmart. No need to tell him where you are going or where you went.
W:"I am going out"
Yes!!! I've got to do this. I also want to go hiking on my own early saturday morning and wear my most flattering active wear.
This is gold!!!! I will check each one of these out!!!
How do we get this into being a sticky?
I think this needs to be updated Joe2017 & Jim1234 didn’t reconcile
Are you talk and touch charges from Mort Fortel? I've listened to his stuff, and he has some good ideas to offer that I feel complement DB. Not everything, of course..
Yes, though we aren't supposed to discuss other experts here.
Still, many of his methods are the same as MWD's. Back off. Give time and space. Etc.
I think talk charges, touch charges and date night are more for marriages that are in trouble but pre-BD. Though if you start getting to a place where you might reconcile, subtle touch and talk charges can work. But they are pressure and pursuit and should not be used until reconciling becomes a possibility.
How do we get this into being a sticky?
There's a separate forum for success stories, but it doesn't get updated much:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=43&page=1I think this needs to be updated Joe2017 & Jim1234 didn’t reconcile
That's correct, but I did note that next to their names on the list (Jim1234 "wife wants to recon" and Joe2017 "not yet success but shows how a WAS can turn around") I only included their sitches because they were such great examples of the change-of-heart a WAS can eventually have, helped in large part by good DB'ing practices by both of them.
Yes, though we aren't supposed to discuss other experts here.
Oh shoot, I missed that in the rules section. Noted.
Still, many of his methods are the same as MWD's. Back off. Give time and space. Etc.
I think talk charges, touch charges and date night are more for marriages that are in trouble but pre-BD. Though if you start getting to a place where you might reconcile, subtle touch and talk charges can work. But they are pressure and pursuit and should not be used until reconciling becomes a possibility.
Makes total sense. It is funny how I have to literally rewire my brain to do things differently. I can feel that it's a 180 in me. My initial reaction is not quite the pressure and pursuit as before, but it's still not second nature yet, so I have to think it through. I think of it as learning to write with my left hand after writing with my right all my life. I have to really make that effort and practice.
I also have to do self-forgiveness, as it is more clear to me ways that I nagged or tried to please in my past in order to get reassurances, etc. Ugh. Not easy to remember. But I guess noticing is the first step.
And not that he was prince charming or anything, but just trying to focus on me and own my own life.
Too bad you and I can't talk. We have a lot of the same issues, mine didn't havethe OW. I appreciate your input into mine by the way. Mine wasn't the prize hog at the fair either, not by a long shot. But seen through the lens of the sudden and ultimate loss, amazing how we reframe them. Just like they rewrite history when they decide to leave.
Too bad you and I can't talk. We have a lot of the same issues, mine didn't havethe OW. I appreciate your input into mine by the way. Mine wasn't the prize hog at the fair either, not by a long shot. But seen through the lens of the sudden and ultimate loss, amazing how we reframe them. Just like they rewrite history when they decide to leave.
Agreed. Yes, the rewriting history was a shock to me. I felt like we had lived two different versions; and in his version I was the villain.
I need input. Hoping Steve85 will see this also.
My husband still works with the OW, but we have an agreement where outside of two main board meetings, they aren't in the office at the same time and he works remotely. If we need an exception, he checks with me and we are supposed to brainstorm a solution.
Two weeks in a row, and this is sliding. He tells me they don't have meetings together and she works on the other side of the office. I think this is most likely true. I believe he doesn't have feelings for her, and I believe it slips his mind like he says.
BUT. We had an agreement. And she doesn't bother me. Him having integrity with this agreement bothers me. He is a workaholic, work is his safe place. But I don't believe it should come before my comfort in this area. Whether he has feelings for her or not, whether it was three years ago or not, this is the agreement we made so I would feel comfortable for them to continue working in the same company.
I am not sure how to approach this or handle it. How does this situation fit in with the DB/DR philosophy, detachment, etc. I feel unsure what to do when it comes up.
Oceangirl: Ditto. It was all my fault too and for awhile, I accepted that story. No more. Mine has a high paying job that I got him. He wants to leave it and go be a trading nomad with international travel included in these plans apparently. I facilitated and funded that even after he left me. He actually has filed as you know and can end this marriage any time he wants. I at least didn't beg, plead etc. I told him if that's what he wanted, I wouldn't stop him and I haven't tried. I did try to reason a little (stupid). A couple of weeks ago, he told me he hasn't changed his mind but insinuated that it was still possible that he could ("trust" being the issue - obviously sees that I have changed). He has also done things that kind of signal to me that he's not completely gone yet. I do feel that it is going to be difficult to near impossible for him to dismiss this case and come back because it represents "going back into the cage" for him. He may have to go through with it and live his fantasy life before realizing it was nuts. I also read the Dobson book and that is the most useful thing I have seen. It's fear of the future that keeps me in this game although I have taken a lot of steps to deal with that. It's mostly irrational. I can make money and have all my life but I'm 62 and worried about health ever becoming an issue with no support. I also still love the idiot but that can and is changing. I give you the biggest virtual hug I can. This blows, there is no question about it.
Oceangirl: Ditto. It was all my fault too and for awhile, I accepted that story. No more. Mine has a high paying job that I got him. He wants to leave it and go be a trading nomad with international travel included in these plans apparently. I facilitated and funded that even after he left me. He actually has filed as you know and can end this marriage any time he wants. I at least didn't beg, plead etc. I told him if that's what he wanted, I wouldn't stop him and I haven't tried. I did try to reason a little (stupid). A couple of weeks ago, he told me he hasn't changed his mind but insinuated that it was still possible that he could ("trust" being the issue - obviously sees that I have changed). He has also done things that kind of signal to me that he's not completely gone yet. I do feel that it is going to be difficult to near impossible for him to dismiss this case and come back because it represents "going back into the cage" for him. He may have to go through with it and live his fantasy life before realizing it was nuts. I also read the Dobson book and that is the most useful thing I have seen. It's fear of the future that keeps me in this game although I have taken a lot of steps to deal with that. It's mostly irrational. I can make money and have all my life but I'm 62 and worried about health ever becoming an issue with no support. I also still love the idiot but that can and is changing. I give you the biggest virtual hug I can. This blows, there is no question about it.
Oh Newbie, it's so hard, isn't it!!!!!
I am 45. The good news is, there so much life still for you and me, and I am trying so hard to have my mantra be "I will be okay no matter what." I totally understand that worry of health issues and being alone. I try to remind myself I have dear friends who love me and will be by my side.
I've been on this roller coaster with him for three years now, so the love part is fading for me as I have continued to lose respect for him in buckets. I have bent over backward to work with him and make this as positive and easy as possible and he has not done the same. While I want my marriage to work out, its hard to romanticize someone youre having difficulty respecting.
I am reminding myself my happiness can't be dependent on how he feels about me. I am going to be miserable in limbo land if that is the case. I keep telling myself I am a catch lol, otherwise I can get discouraged about being alone.
I am glad we all have each other here. It makes it so much easier.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2581617#Post2581617Oct 14-28, 2014 | W cheating and near-separation in 2009, search for explanations for BD 2014
Oct 28-Nov 4 | OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W
Nov 4-10 | OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date
Nov 10-18 | Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM
Nov 18-Dec 8 | W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email
Dec 8-Jan 2, 2015 | To be nice or not to be, two trips make me feel better, office party video
Jan 2-16 | Turning down lunch invite, telling W I need to move on, W emails about D
Jan 16-31 | WAW wants to change job, move to her country, I agree to meet
Feb 2-25 | Plans for moving abroad are nixed, D papers are delayed at my request, flirting experiments begin
Feb 27-Mar 24 | D7 birthday plans, PMA crash, serial cheating, dating debate, detachment at last?
Mar 24-Apr 29 | Great dating debate, the expensive watch, GALing better, my tone on these forums
May 5-Jun 17 | Online dating, crying at the school play, genetics of cheating, mediation begins
My storyAfter 9.5 years together and two kids, my W announced in early September 2014 that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said she wanted to be free, alone, find her true self, that I was criticizing her too much, that we're incompatible, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. She had told me before of some of those
complaints and that she was
miserable. We had not yet addressed everything, we would fight more than average, and I wasn't changing fast enough, so she was growing hopeless that things would improve.
A week after BD, she moved out. A month and a half later, she confirmed my suspicions that she was with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD. He moved in with her in January. Our two daughters know and like him enough and generally take the S in strides.
DBingI accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life. My heart wants to R, but my head tells me that it's a pattern with her and that I better not expose myself to it again.
My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant so the "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me. After nine months and little contact, I can say that detachment is taking hold. I see a therapist since BD and I've also started dating in May (8 months after BD).
_________________________________________________
SUCCESS STORIESI update this list every time I start a new thread.
Please make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
MLC Success Stories ReconciliationThornton (M) -
May to July 2014 Train (W) -
Reconciled in 2014 Labug (W) -
March 2011 to December 2013 HopefulStill - reconciled in 2012
minkerman (M) -
Reconciled after 4 months in 2008 25yearsmlc (W) -
2005 to August 2008FaithfulH -
Reconciled in 2007 sandi2 (W) -
2007Coach (M) -
2008MrBond (M) - Used to have another screen name
Starsky309 (M) - (
ChocolateEyes,
Puppy Dog Tails) -
Aug 2007 to 2009. Exposed his W's A.
Butterflymom127 and FavoriteWeirdo -
Thread LITB (M) -
December 2010 to May 2012Raine (W) -
Dec 2012 to November 2014 (MLC) ReachingHigher (W) -
April 2012 to May 2014SM34 (M) -
December 2012 to December 2013 AliSuddenly (W) -
H left in January 2008, moved out, had OW. Piecing May 2009, married July 2010 kalni (W) -
BD on November 2007, piecing in January 2010Angel61 (W)-
BD June 2010, H had EA, Retrouvailles November 2011Piecing as of 2014-2015(newly added) Kramer (M)(newly added) edz (M)Jefe (M)T0324 (W) H leaves in Febr 2014, filed for D, had OW, piecing fails in Aug 2014, piecing again in Mar 2015
Crimson (M) Heart14 (W) Signs 2014-02, DB 2014-07, Piecing since 2014-07
Nitty - BD in December 2013, piecing as of September 2014
Letting goLove2Surf (M) -
March 2010 to 2012pearlharbr (W) -
November 2008 to June 2010 (19 months) Snow White (W) -
2008-2009. Let go when her H wanted back in.
Drew (M) -
2008BigMac (M) -
June 2014 to February 2015 WAW offered R at the last minute and he turned it down
Underdog (Betsey) D final in May 2005
ResourcesValidation |
Boundaries |
Detachment |
Dance of Pursuit and Distance |
Acronyms |
Stockdale paradoxThe sandi2 collection:
The Wayward Wife |
It takes time |
Letting back too easyWonka:
The Starter kit / Post-BD plan of action
Cadet, thanks! I will check it out.
I'm on 2+ years. Our situations/feelings are so alike it's like we are married to the same person. I tell myself that I made it to 32 without this idiot in my life, what is the problem now?
Originally Posted by FlySolo
There was a poster who collected all the stories which ended up in R (I can't remember who though).
Mozza's Success Stories. I typed in the link, but had no luck.
I'm on 2+ years. Our situations/feelings are so alike it's like we are married to the same person. I tell myself that I made it to 32 without this idiot in my life, what is the problem now?
It is great not to be alone, though I am so sorry either of us have similar stories, LOL!
I spent my whole life being codependent and the last couple years thinking I would die if he didn't pick me or love me more than her. I h ave worked SO HARD and am so proud of myself for loving myself more and more and getting my own life. I don' t react as much like I used to. I can own my own feelings.
I have to talk to him this weekend about the work situation. I am trying to really prepare myself ahead of time, not be too emotional, keep it simple, not try to persuade him to see things my way, not going into it thinking it's going to bomb...or succeed.
Nevermind I found it, lots of clicking.
New Thread:
Today is such a hard day