I know everyone has my best interest at heart but that was tough. I really do have a lot of work to do. I am trying to take it one day at a time.
Ginger I treat her like a queen. I text her during the day to see how she is doing. Take her out to her favorite restaurants and spend quality time just talking with her. Asking her some real deep questions about her. Getting to really know her and getting her to know me. I’m patient with her, meaning if there is something we disagree with I don’t just blow up or make her only see my point of view. I try to really be there for her emotionally and physically. So I would say it is a 2 way street our relationship.
Ginger I know it takes time for her to get over my vindictive behavior but I wanted her to know I recognized my faults and I am truly sorry for those past behaviors.
LH I have worked real hard on validating and not being so confrontational with the ex. I know it doesn’t seem like it, I don’t post every little thing that happens between us either. She tries to bait me a lot of times into arguments and I don’t buy into it. Once and a while yes she gets me. Please there was a time she was making fun of me for how calm I was and that I don’t yell or scream. I try to always look at the situation through her eyes. Like I said sometimes I slide back but most of the time I am really trying to think about how to validate and keep things calm. My GF has told me how good I am at communicating with her, how patient and that I don’t argue with her. So I really am trying.
I have to go I will talk more in a little while.
LH I have worked real hard on validating and not being so confrontational with the ex. I know it doesn’t seem like it, I don’t post every little thing that happens between us either. She tries to bait me a lot of times into arguments and I don’t buy into it. Once and a while yes she gets me.
IDK what you may be saying, or if you are mainly using the same sentence when you validate. If so, she may feel you are patronizing. Maybe you could share with the board how you validate your XW. There are some folks here who could help you really fine tune your progress. (Not me, but there are others who have the gift.) She gives me the impression of an explosive chemical ready to blow at the smallest nudge. As you said, she baits you.
I will link your new thread to your previous one for you.
W,
I guess I don’t understand why there is so much communication? I haven’t spoken to my ex w since Christmas.
LH I have worked real hard on validating and not being so confrontational with the ex. I know it doesn’t seem like it, I don’t post every little thing that happens between us either. She tries to bait me a lot of times into arguments and I don’t buy into it. Once and a while yes she gets me.
IDK what you may be saying, or if you are mainly using the same sentence when you validate. If so, she may feel you are patronizing. Maybe you could share with the board how you validate your XW. There are some folks here who could help you really fine tune your progress. (Not me, but there are others who have the gift.) She gives me the impression of an explosive chemical ready to blow at the smallest nudge. As you said, she baits you.
This is a great point. Validation is difficult because you can fall into the same phrases and then it sounds impersonal and robotic.
At a minimum, learn to get really good at repeating what she said back to her paraphrased.
Her: "It really angers me when you fight me over money for the kids."
You: "So you are saying that it is upsetting to when I question spending money on the kids."
Again, try to keep the spirit of the feeling but don't repeat it word for word.
LH I have worked real hard on validating and not being so confrontational with the ex. I know it doesn’t seem like it, I don’t post every little thing that happens between us either. She tries to bait me a lot of times into arguments and I don’t buy into it. Once and a while yes she gets me.
IDK what you may be saying, or if you are mainly using the same sentence when you validate. If so, she may feel you are patronizing. Maybe you could share with the board how you validate your XW. There are some folks here who could help you really fine tune your progress. (Not me, but there are others who have the gift.) She gives me the impression of an explosive chemical ready to blow at the smallest nudge. As you said, she baits you.
For Christmas Eve she spent part of it alone.
W: Do you know how upsetting it is I have to be alone for Christmas Eve?
Me: I can’t imagine how upsetting it is. I am sorry you are going through this.
W: Do you know how difficult your d has been with me?
Me: I have no idea please tell me more so I can understand.
W,
I guess I don’t understand why there is so much communication? I haven’t spoken to my ex w since Christmas.
We have 2 kids 11 and 9 and they are involved in a lot of activities so most of the communication is because of the kids. Payments, arranging getting them there. That’s most of our conversation. Every once and a while she will random text me. Like she text me once she liked my d new glasses I got her. We don’t have general conversations, ex: how was your day, what are you up to? None of those!!
Steve I have to work on paraphrasing. I try to repeat the emotion that she may describe. For example if she says something is frustrating. I will say I see how that could frustrate you. Or if she is mad I will ask her to tell me more why she is mad. So I try to just focus on the emotion.
So the other day I posted on FB how happy I am that I have a new house, a new car, career going well and a beautiful woman in my life. Well ex went off the deep end. First of all she has me blocked on FB. So her friends ran to tell her or show her my post. She called me up and told how I needed to go to the house and pick up the rest of my tools or else she was putting them in the street. I said we agreed I could leave them there until I got my house. She said she doesn’t want them in the house anymore. I asked what her problem was. Well she went off the deep end. Call me a piece of $h*t, I am the scum of the earth. I was never a good father or husband. I ignored those horrible statements and said I can’t get there today that I was busy. I was working. She said if I wasn’t there by 1:30 the stuff would be in the streets. This was at 12pm. She said my post was disgusting and I am a horrible human being. I said all I posted was that I was happy. Well she didn’t like that. I am moving on and not at her becking call. Then at 3 pm her father called me who is 75 and left me a message and said he read my comment and it’s horrible that I posted that. And all my stuff was going in the street right now. I grabbed a buddy and went over there with a van. She came flying out cursing me, I would not respond, I just kept grabbing my stuff and it infuriated her more that I would not respond following me to my car as I put stuff in it. Then her dad came out cursing at me, then her mom. Then she started to throw my stuff on the lawn and kick it. The mean time I kept my cool and ignored it all. The only thing I said was to the father, that his daughter has posted endless tuff about me and I never said anything I post one thing that I am happy and I am a piece of garbage. This whole thing is ridiculous. So I have to me miserable and chasing her all the tiMe, she can post endless stuff about me on FB, I post one thing that I am happy and this?? Ughh
Oh boy you are never going learn are you.
Oh boy you are never going learn are you.
Again, displaying vengeful!!
You pretty much showed her the behavior she knew had not changed that hurt the marriage.
You asked for this one. You knew exactly who was going to see this. And you knew this would send her off the deep end.
Hey Wolfman,
Do you really know what you want? Couldn't that post have waited until the D is finalized? It was about being happy, but you just invited a bunch of drama into your life. What has your attention now?
I did something similar, so I get it. Slow down man. Maybe a good idea to get off social media for awhile. You don't need validation from the world about being happy.
Before posting, did you consider what might come of it?
Sorry Wolf. I stay FAR AWAY from making any comments about my personal life on Facebook. You never know how it is going to be perceived by others. Her reaction was probably fairly predictable when you really think about it. Yes...She wanted a divorce...so this is what she set herself up for. But...remember...she wanted a divorce because in her mind, you were a crap husband who didn’t show her love and affection, took her for granted, etc... She has a whole story in her head that it is all about you and not about her at all. Your declaration on FB tells her, and anybody else who is reading, that it is, in fact, all about her because you are perfectly happy now. Do you see how that might come across? If you were in her position, how would you feel? Maybe you didn’t know it would send her off the deep end like this but when you posted that, you knew it would affect her in some way. It was a bit like rubbing her nose in it. Thankfully, my XH blocked me a long time ago so I never have to see any of his posts which, I’m sure, are pretty thoughtless as well. Also...mutual friends who are reading your post and not privy to the ins and outs of your M are probably not as happy for you as you would like to think. Many of them are probably thinking that you moved on relatively fast and rubbing XW’s nose in it and having some judgment about that. Not saying you don’t have every right to post that you are happy but just know that you are taking a risk when you do. (((HUGS)))
Wolf - honestly it just seems like you are trying to throw things in her face. You need to think ahead a bit more.
This seems like a calculated move on your part.
There is an old saying Wolf. "Never let the left hand know what the right hand is doing." Now if I remember correctly in your sich, not too long ago. (And yes I will find it.) That your XW accused you of seeing someone else because she heard through mutual friends. Give me the truth here. Were you seeing someone at that time when XW was accusing you of it? Now with that said. We all know people are going to hide $hit. Act like they are single... Keep to themselves. Not communicate their business, what they are doing where they are going in these situations.. Yada yada..No reason to broadcast it. Now. Refresh my memory. You are currently divorced and and divorce is finalized correct? At XW's initiative?
On one hand? What did she expect? Every one moves on at different paces. On the other hand. It does appear you are rubbing her nose in it and giving her, her family, and mutual friends all the confirmation they need to XW'S narrative of how you neglected her and made everything about you in the M. Im starting to wonder if the both of you have narcisstic tendencies. (Not full blown narcissism.) We all have these tendencies in certain areas of our lives. You are pouring gasoline on the fire my friend. Should have unfriended her on FB the minute you seperated. Unless she went looking for it. You should have definately had all your stuff and tools out before even attempting to broadcast stuff like that. What really concerns me in the long haul for you is, I know your happy with this other person right now. I hope you are growing. All of us are afraid here that you haven't taken the time alone and single to Introspect how you want your life to look, grow and change going forward. Especially in the area of relationships. Make sure you learn from your mistakes from R with XW. Or you are going to repeat the same behaviors in this one. WRITE THEM DOWN! RESOLVE TO WORK ON THEM EVERY DAY. It sounds like you are experiencing a retaliatory response from all the Ex's. Is it right? Is it wrong? Is it justified? Who knows? Everyone thinks differently. But YOU definately set youself up for it. So deal with it.
Wolf, there's nothing wrong with being happy, you deserve that. And there's nothing wrong with posting about being happy on social media in general terms. But the specifics you posted did sound a bit like rubbing your W's nose in it. I know a couple that got into a "who's life is better" Facebook war that started out like this, the more they tried to convince everyone how great their lives were the less anyone believed it. It was not about their happiness, it was about revenge.
So by all means be happy. But try to avoid posting vindictive comments, or even comments that can be perceived by your W as vindictive. Hopefully you're not out for revenge, I would hope you are past that. But even if you are after revenge, living a great life is the best possible revenge you can get. Actions, not words.
I went to Norway with my GF the other day and I did not post anything about it. Went quietly without the ex knowing. It has been relatively quiet. Communication is a minimum. Only about the kids. Today my son had a basketball game. I sat next to my d and my ex sat on the other side of my d. My d got up and she moved next to me. Very little talk. But then she asked me. When I get my house and pick up the kids that I am suppose to bring the kids back to her. I said that is not in the settlement. She insisted it was. Just as she continued at started to get loud I said this is not the place or the time to talk about this. We can talk about this later. She said it’s never the time to talk to you. I said I am sorry we are not talking about this anymore we are here for our son. And the conversation stopped. Rhetorical question but why does she have to do this there. Do it through text. She likes to make a scene and I am tired of it. The reality is for the pickup it was an oversight in the settlement. Originally I was suppose to pick up the kids everyday and wait at her house till she got home on her days with them. But we switched that. It does say that I pick up the kids everyday and bring them back to my house. But nowhere does it say if I bring the kids to her or if she picks them up on her days. That was left out. She refuses to pick them up from my house which is only 10 minutes away. She we need to come up with a compromise. I was thinking pick them up get them in their house and leave. My d is 12 and s is 9. They would only be alone for 30 minutes before she got home. I will offer that up to her and see what she says.
Sorry I didn’t address everyone’s response. I guess I could have stayed off of FB. I very rarely go on there. I just blows me away how she can post things about me non stop. I never say anything to her about it or let her know I even see them. Oh and by the way I went to block her a long time ago and she blocked me. So her posts are people telling me which I usually say I don’t care to know. My post she has her friends report back to her. So either she tells them to or they love to start drama. Unfortunately I know there are some who were very jealous of our marriage and are loving that we are divorced and want to make sure it stays that way.
I'm not a fan of the text me mindset. I understand lots of divorced folks want a written record but you can't talk to her in person? It's ok if you can't, but why would you sit next to her then? You apparently know that she likes to make a scene so why join in on it?
A 12 year old and 9 year can watch themselves easily, and you guys should try to help each other in regards to the kids. I can see how you are both a bit agitated and prone to fighting though so maybe you can stop contributing to that, for your own sake.
Save the Facebook drama for someone else's mama.
I hope you heal and learn from this breakup so you don't repeat bad patterns.
I actually sat next to my d. Then she moved next to me. I like text because it’s just a record of the conversation. Sometimes I forget things when spoken to. I try not to say much to her at my sons games. Usually it’s just hi. I will be closing on my home in about a week. I am nervous about it because of the financial component. For the first time in my life I will be struggling financially. I have always been a saver but I will literally be counting each penny. Times like this make me angry that I have to start my life over. When I made sure we had a big home, no debt, living a very comfortable life and she took that all away. And why? Because he biggest complaint was I didn’t kiss her all the time. I was doing better for a long time but my depression is coming back. My GAL is going to slow down. I will not have money for anything. I guess a lot of board games with my kids or video games. Oh yeah occasionally a movie night. Sorry just need to vent. I feel myself sinking again when I have come so far.
I have read numerous times on here how it took many months for the WW spouse to “snap” out of it or start to realize what they did was wrong. I can honestly say that won’t happen in my situation.
Never say never.
I've seen stories of WWs that went back and I apologized and wanted to get back together after leaving their Hs, marrying the OM, and many many years have passed. It happens.
Never say never.
I've seen stories of WWs that went back and I apologized and wanted to get back together after leaving their Hs, marrying the OM, and many many years have passed. It happens.
I think I am saying never. The only reason why is my ex is prideful and that’s her m-o. She cuts people out of her life and never speaks to them again. She has done it with a childhood friend, aunt, cousins, numerous friends, her own brother and list goes on. I am just another casualty I guess. I just miss my family. Being with my kids and in my beautiful home. I guess I just have to adjust to my new reality. Thanks Steve. I wish I had the stamina and patience you have displayed in your situation. You are truly an inspiration.
Never say never.
I've seen stories of WWs that went back and I apologized and wanted to get back together after leaving their Hs, marrying the OM, and many many years have passed. It happens.
I think I am saying never. The only reason why is my ex is prideful and that’s her m-o. She cuts people out of her life and never speaks to them again. She has done it with a childhood friend, aunt, cousins, numerous friends, her own brother and list goes on. I am just another casualty I guess. I just miss my family. Being with my kids and in my beautiful home. I guess I just have to adjust to my new reality. Thanks Steve. I wish I had the stamina and patience you have displayed in your situation. You are truly an inspiration.
Thanks Wolf. I can't tell you I know how you feel because I don't. I am sure it is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone someone I've come to care about remotely over the internet. So know that I pray for you daily, and others dealing with this garbage.
There is one difference between you and a childhood friend, aunt, cousins, numerous friends, her own brother etc.....she doesn't have kids with any of them. She does with you. That is an unique connection. She is 40. Women go through a huge transition somewhere between 40 and 55. Again, maybe you are right. But I have seen harder hearts softened by time, life changes (kids getting married, having kids, etc). As I said, I saw a story about a woman that left her H and kids, gave up full custody, to be with an OM. They were married, many years went by, and she realized one day that she had made a horrible mistake. Went back to her ex-H and begged for a second chance. Last I heard she had D'd OM, R to exH, and they had been remarried again for several years.
I think your number one problem is there is still to much conflict in your relationship with your ex.
^^^^Gee? Ya think? Lol...Wolf... Despite your own contributions to the downfall of the M. I think its safe to say you're W is a narcissist.
I think your number one problem is there is still to much conflict in your relationship with your ex.
That’s where I get confused. I tried being nice but get walked all over. Then I stand up to her and she gets angry and spit venom at me. I guess I don’t know what the happy medium is. There is nothing but anger from her. She is only slightly happy when I am giving in to her every need and I am not doing that anymore. I just try and keep my distance and when we do encounter each other I am happy and polite. I don’t want her to think I am down. But that is my ex, when she doesn’t get her way, she acts like a little kid and throws a temper tantrum. She tells and screams and gaslights me. So keep helping me because I am missing something.
^^^^Gee? Ya think? Lol...Wolf... Despite your own contributions to the downfall of the M. I think its safe to say you're W is a narcissist.
Absolutely she is. I have to run but what happened with my kids yesterday made me real sad. I will speak about it in a little bit.
Well wolf you are kind of in a tough spot because you’re in love with two women. One who treats you amazing and one that disrespects you and treats you like $hit. The worst part is you prefer the latter. So yeah you’re in a tough spot because a narcissist will never change.
You should be expecting it from her at this point, why does it surprise you? Why does it still hurt you?
Does Wolf being the best Wolf depend on someone other than Wolf?
Can you do anything about this?
I just try and keep my distance and when we do encounter each other I am happy and polite. I don’t want her to think I am down. But that is my ex, when she doesn’t get her way, she acts like a little kid and throws a temper tantrum. She tells and screams and gaslights me. So keep helping me because I am missing something.
What worked in the past whenever she would have tantrum? Maybe I should ask if
anything worked. Does she behave toward her parents in the same manner? If so, then you're probably seeing a pattern she developed quite young. That's not to say she can't change, but she has to see how the tantrums do not get what she wants.
Well wolf you are kind of in a tough spot because you’re in love with two women. One who treats you amazing and one that disrespects you and treats you like $hit. The worst part is you prefer the latter. So yeah you’re in a tough spot because a narcissist will never change.
I wouldn’t say I prefer the latter. I miss being a family. For a long time it was my ex, I miss the family dynamic. I miss the little things, like kissing my kids good night every night. Or in the morning seeing them and telling them to have a good day at school. It’s amazing that she has become a narcissist or maybe I am just realizing it now. I’ll tell you though, I never thought in a million years she would ever do this to our family.
You should be expecting it from her at this point, why does it surprise you? Why does it still hurt you?
Does Wolf being the best Wolf depend on someone other than Wolf?
Can you do anything about this?
I guess it surprises me because she got what she wanted. Divorce. She got the home, she got her child support, I have the kids 50% of the time so she can be free and live like a teenager. Yet she is still angry? What else does she want? It doesn’t hurt as much anymore. I am working on being the best wolf. I am trying hard to learn how to make myself happy and not let my happiness come from others. It’s hard because my happiness has been my family but I am starting g to slowly to find happiness.
I just try and keep my distance and when we do encounter each other I am happy and polite. I don’t want her to think I am down. But that is my ex, when she doesn’t get her way, she acts like a little kid and throws a temper tantrum. She tells and screams and gaslights me. So keep helping me because I am missing something.
What worked in the past whenever she would have tantrum? Maybe I should ask if
anything worked. Does she behave toward her parents in the same manner? If so, then you're probably seeing a pattern she developed quite young. That's not to say she can't change, but she has to see how the tantrums do not get what she wants.
What worked in the past? Eventually me giving in. She was relentless. When she got something on her mind she would not let it go. For example if she wanted to go away. She would just keep talking about it until I would just finally give in and book the vacation even if we didn’t have the money for it. Same with her parents, she would fight endlessly with her mom about a lot of stupid stuff. She was always a spoiled brat. When she didn’t get her way she would become angry or just keep hammering away at people until they gave in to her needs. It’s a shame she took our marriage for granted. My kids are the ones paying the price. My s is starting to become very angry and act out.
Monday my s had a basketball game. So my ex will have my s pack his basketball bag and put it in the garage. After school go to the house and he goes in the garage to get his bag. Well he forgot to do it. The ex should be making sure it gets done but she is only about her self. Anyway. So I text ex and tell her s forgot his basketball stuff. She said she will be home at 4 to meet her at the house so he can grab his stuff. I meet her at 4 he runs in grabs his basketball stuff and come out. Just as I am driving down the block I asked s you have your uniform? He said he forgot it. So my s calls his mom and she already left the house. She said she will not go home and bring it to the game later. Fast forward. His game was at 6:30 but we’d had to be there at 6 to practice. Ex is not there. She calls my phone at 6:10 I had the phone to s and the ex is saying she can’t find the uniform. My s starts to cry how is he going to play. He tells her to look in ano her spot and she still doesn’t see it. So she tells him it’s his problem and she is looking anymore and he can’t play and then hangs up on my s. Now he is hysterical crying and asking me to go home to get it. I said your mom might not be there and I can’t get into the house. He starts to panic and freak out because he wants to play. He is begging me to take him home. I said by the time we get there find it and get back the game will be half over. I said I will have to let your coaches know. Then my son yells out, “I hate this f#*king divorce. It’s not fair.” I wanted to cry because my ex thinks the kids are ok with this. She doesn’t realize how this affected them. She only cares about herself. The point to that long story is the ex thinks the kids are fine and that they are doing better now that we are divorced. She does not realize how much this is hurting them. I don’t want to force someone to stay with me but she could have tried to fix our marriage at least for the sake of the children. It’s not always about her. But she made it that way. My kids are hurting so bad and it kills me!!! I wish she would get her head out of her butt and see how much they are hurting. She thinks they are fine.
He finally remembered where it was and called her back and told her where it was. She brought it a little late and he was able to play. Yet she had the nerve to tell me this is not fair to her that she has to remember these things for the kids. I’m sorry I thought being a parent was making sure the kids are taking care of and making sure they have everything they need. She wanted d I can’t be there to help her anymore. Again I don’t know what she thought d would be like!!!
How old is your son? I do believe kids of a certain level of responsibility. If he is supposed to pack his uniform, then he forgets, that’s kind of on him and he learns. But ok, she meets you back there. And he still forgets his uniform. Divorce or not, this could be happening. You can blame her parenting and her selfishness on this.
I dunno. That’s the way I parent and I guess it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. My daughter has a responsibility to make sure she has her stuff. It’s forgotten sometimes and we help her out. But when she’s not keeping up with her responsibilities, she does suffer the consequences and is more aware .
I don’t think this has anything to do with the kids being fine or not form the divorceD your son forgot something twice, misplaced his uniform and I’m the end got the uniform to him.
Wolf keep in mind I’m trying to help you.
I think your both selfish and only care about yourself. Her with the divorce and temper tantrums until she gets what she wants and you using your girlfriend and moving out when times were tough. You talk about kissing your kids every day but you gave up that right over a year ago to spare your feelings. That’s selfishness.
Now as far as the latest incident, you could have made sure he had his uniform or used it as a teaching lesson for him to be more responsible. I bet he wouldn’t forget it the next time if he didn’t play.
As for your Ws temper tantrums, you never stood up to her and told her no, that is why she’s not attracted to you. If you don’t put in the work to understand attraction w things are never going to change. Woman are not attracted long term to pushovers.
You and your W both have narcissistic tendencies which will in turn make your children suffer.
And we are only trying to help.
You tie everything to the divorce and your ex. Time to take some responsibility, stop the blame game, stop thinking about what she should or shouldn’t be doing or if you agree with her actions or not.
Just focus on your side of the street.
To Gingers point. It’s never a narcissist’s fault.
Wolf keep in mind I’m trying to help you.
You talk about kissing your kids every day but you gave up that right over a year ago to spare your feelings. That’s selfishness.
Now as far as the latest incident, you could have made sure he had his uniform or used it as a teaching lesson for him to be more responsible. I bet he wouldn’t forget it the next time if he didn’t play.
As for your Ws temper tantrums, you never stood up to her and told her no, that is why she’s not attracted to you. If you don’t put in the work to understand attraction w things are never going to change. Woman are not attracted long term to pushovers.
You and your W both have narcissistic tendencies which will in turn make your children suffer.
You are right I should have never left. I should have stayed and taken back the MBR. What a mistake it was. LH I am so sorry I didn’t listen to you as well many others who told me to go back to the MBR. I am going to stand up to her much more. Regardless of her temper tantrums. I was such a pushover because she was so good at gaslighting me. She had me so convinced if I went against her I was being spiteful or vindictive. When it would be something that I didn’t agree with. I now know not to believe those things.
And we are only trying to help.
You tie everything to the divorce and your ex. Time to take some responsibility, stop the blame game, stop thinking about what she should or shouldn’t be doing or if you agree with her actions or not.
Just focus on your side of the street.
I agree that my kids need to have responsibilities. I’m just saying she should follow up and make sure it s done. She should not be doing everything for my kids. My s is 9. I just think she should had made sure everything g was I. The garage. I am more focused on myself I was just saying what happened and why my s was so angry. Also that she thinks the kids are ok with d. Maybe in time, but right now they are hurting and I don’t think she gets that.
She gets it she just doesn’t care!!!!!!!!!!!!?
She gets it she just doesn’t care!!!!!!!!!!!!?
I guess that what’s hard for me to understand. Her not caring how this affects them. It just blows me away. Sorry.
Wolf,
You are placing a lot of blame on your W. And you are holding on to the cause of the pain. You wanted your wife to stay in the M just for the kids, that don't sound healthy at all. It almost sounds like, "just tough it out". And If you felt like that, then that's the vibe you were giving off. I would challenge you too stop finding blame to place and take some ownership for some of what happened. Just because you gave your W everything she wanted and as you say, "gave in", don't make you any less liable for where the M is. You didn't set healthy boundaries and allowed your W to do what she wanted. And now you are mad because she is still doing what she wants. You set that precedent!!!
Seems to me like you have a problem with disciplining. People and children have to have consequences, if they don't, they tend to start to live outside of reality. Your son forgot his uniform twice, not only that, he got in the car and YOU drove off without asking him did he have it. So from where I'm sitting, it's blame to go around on both sides.
IMO, I think you are stuck in blame mode and it's hindering your healing and ability to move forward and make sound decisions with your kids and for yourself.
onward and forward
Well Wolf when you moved out of your house how do you think your kids felt and how do you think it effected them?
Hi Wolf,
We all have different parenting styles. I got a lot out of the parenting with love and logic class I attended and the book was a great read. If you read it, you can give it away when you are done. Even to your X. Do not worry about how she reacts.
One of the main ideas is that everyone "pulls their own wagon". Another is "Everything is a teachable experience".
You parent your way. Let the mother parent her way. You change the way you parent as you learn and grow. Focus on your relationship with your kids. Validate their experience. Reward the responsible behaviors. Let them experience natural consequences of poor choices so that the learn and grow from the experience.
I could wine to you for days on end about how my X is not parenting the same way I do. I can't control her. I am sure she complains about my parenting style.
None of us are perfect. Our parents weren't perfect. We all do the best with what we have. Some of us are lucky and realize this and can make positive changes to our beliefs and behaviors.
What worked in the past? Eventually me giving in. She was relentless. When she got something on her mind she would not let it go. For example if she wanted to go away. She would just keep talking about it until I would just finally give in and book the vacation even if we didn’t have the money for it. Same with her parents, she would fight endlessly with her mom about a lot of stupid stuff. She was always a spoiled brat. When she didn’t get her way she would become angry or just keep hammering away at people until they gave in to her needs. It’s a shame she took our marriage for granted. My kids are the ones paying the price. My s is starting to become very angry and act out.
You just described 7 of the 8 years with my WAW...
Mine did this with everything - boobjob, clothes, cars, botox...There was always something.
Using the children as her leverage.
She still tries now to use the children against me as a threat ( I refused to give her more money towards clothes (I pay her a LOT in maintanance ) so she got mad - my eldest then told her i'm purchasing a new sports car this weekend - she txts me to say i can no longer take the children on holiday )
I can honestly say that once you minamise contact with these type of people, you will feel free.
It was a rough few months this time last year - now i wish i had walked away years before. You cannot reason with these people. I suspect your WAW surrounds herself with friends who validate her.. and spits out the ones who dont.
I'd keep correspndance to a minimum and try to enjoy life - people like you WAW will drag you down..
Hi Wolf,
I believe this guy could use your support:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2883187He has recently moved out of the house. You may be able to share some of your insight.
R2C
Just as I am driving down the block I asked s you have your uniform? He said he forgot it. So my s calls his mom and she already left the house. She said she will not go home and bring it to the game later. Fast forward. His game was at 6:30 but we’d had to be there at 6 to practice. Ex is not there. She calls my phone at 6:10 I had the phone to s and the ex is saying she can’t find the uniform. My s starts to cry how is he going to play.
Your son needs consequences for forgetting or else he has no incentive to improve. If you just bring him his stuff every time he forgets than that is the system that works for him. He is also is crying over not playing? No, he's crying because you are "acting out" by not taking action when he forgets things and this is upsetting the system.
I coached high school football for 6 years, if a young man forgot an essential piece of equipment or uniform I would loan them the piece of equipment and they would have to run a mile. Discipline. Start treating young men like men.
You can't blame your ex so much, and it seems like that is what you want to do.
^^^^ I personally like the three-strike rule with everything and everyone and every situation. Wolf if you want your son to become a strong independent young man, every time he screws up or forgets something, three strike Rule and discipline him. His actions need to have consequences, just like your ex-wife. As a parent you help them and teach them, but you also let them fail let them fall and let them learn with Grace
Do you want your son going around blaming everything he does on the divorce? I doubt you do. It was a scapegoat for him. You want your son to grow up as a man who takes responsibility for his actions.
And he needs to see that in you. So quit the blame game and own your side of the street and quit worrying about hers
Wow that was some good responses. I guess I am too focused on her. I just at times want you to know what I am dealing with. Had a little conversation today with ex about kids. I had asked her a week ago if I could have the kids on super bowl Sunday. It’s her day with the kids but I know she doesn’t care about the game but I would like to watch it with my son. My d doesn’t care either but I asked for both because I did t want my d to feel left out. She said point blank she did not want to go, that was fine with me. It’s not even my day with them. So last Sunday I took my s to the movies (d didn’t want to go) when I went to pick him up she asked if she could speak to me about the super bowl about the kids with the kids. She asked if I could come in for just a few minutes. When I went in my ex and s were there. Ex said to s, tell daddy. He did t say anything. She then said he doesn’t want to go and he doesn’t want to upset you by not going. I said s if you don’t want to go that’s fine daddy won’t be upset. He said, I just want to watch the game with you and no one else (going to friends super bowl party) I told him I would sit with him on the couch and watch the whole game with him. I said though it’s up to him and I won’t be mad if he doesn’t want to go. Of course she asked who is going to be there. Which honestly is none of her business. I k ow she was trying to see if GF was going to be there. I told her whose house it was and what friends were going to be there. I said it was up to him and there was no pressure and I won’t be mad if he doesn’t feel comfortable going. We said we will discuss it more later in the week. Fast forward to today. I go to pick up the kids at her house. I step out of my car to give them a hug as they are about to come over to me. Ex steps out of the house and said they don’t really want to go with you. I said they? I said I know my d wasn’t coming she already said she didn’t want to go. So I asked my s if he wanted to come and reassuring him it was ok if he didn’t . He said I just want to watch the game with you and no one else. I told him it was only going to be a few people and I would sit right next to him the entire game. So the ex the says you are going to split them up? I said I am not splitting them up, d doesn’t want to come and if s does that should be ok. She said I don’t think it’s a good idea to split them up. I said can you explain why it isn’t a good idea? She just said I don’t think it is. I said if d doesn’t want to come then she is staying with you and if s wants to come with me he can come with me I don’t see a problem with that. She then said d shouldn’t have a say on where she goes. Right in front of her. I said look she is old enough to make that decision. So since she doesn’t want to come she is staying with you. And since s is ok with it he will be coming with me. (Side note how would it be any different when one sibling goes to a friends house, or when one of my kids has slept over a friends house and the other stayed home) She said well I have to pick them BOTH up at 9 they have school tomorrow. Again insisting d was coming with me. I just said we can talk about this later. When we got in the car I asked d do you want to come, I would like for her to come. She said she doesn’t like football and would rather stay home. I said that is fine. I asked my s if he wanted to come and that I would not be upset which ever he chooses. He said, will I be able to watch it with you? I said absolutely I won’t leave your side. He said ok dad I’ll go. Couple of things
1. I know the conversation should never have happened in front of the kids. I am starting to see she loves to do this in front of the kids. I’m really going to have to start really putting my foot down when she starts to do this.
2. She is pushing my d on me because she is looking for this opportunity to go out and party. Granted she is entitled to do that but don’t force my d on me when this is actually her day with the kids and d is old enough to say she would rather not go.
3. I can only imagine what she has said to my s that he would be so hesitant to watch football with his dad, even if it is at a friends house.
4. If tomorrow she forces my d on me how do I handle it?
I was thinking of telling ex, look she does not want to come and that is perfectly ok with me and that she should not be forcing her on me on her day with the kids. And that I appreciate that she is allowing my s to come with me on her day with the kids. Ex is going to try and say that, that is wrong we split them up. I would then say do they not go to friends homes and sleep over? How and why is that ok? Does this make sense? Anything else I should say or do?
Wolf ~
1. I know the conversation should never have happened in front of the kids. I am starting to see she loves to do this in front of the kids. I’m really going to have to start really putting my foot down when she starts to do this.
"I'm happy to discuss with you at another time, not in front of the kids."
No need to explain why. Just be calm and consistent, no need to put your foot down. She'll eventually get the point. Do it every time.
2. She is pushing my d on me because she is looking for this opportunity to go out and party. Granted she is entitled to do that but don’t force my d on me when this is actually her day with the kids and d is old enough to say she would rather not go.
Can't control her.
3. I can only imagine what she has said to my s that he would be so hesitant to watch football with his dad, even if it is at a friends house.
I would leave it alone. If S wants to tell you something, he will.
4. If tomorrow she forces my d on me how do I handle it?
Are you happy to take D to the party?
If so, then take her. Do what D wants to do. Support her (D's) decision. Don't make a big deal out of it in front of D, no need to raise her anxiety and have her feeling stuck in the middle.
Regarding "splitting them up," I think it's great to split the kids up and get some 1:1 time with them. I bet it's hard to find those opportunities. Seems like a positive thing to me!
I'd stay out of arguing over any logical inconsistencies (about the sleepovers, etc.). That's going to lead nowhere productive. She wants you to engage in the battle.
I've been reading some books lately about co-parenting. There is really good stuff out there about how to handle situations where you aren't getting along with the other parent, but you still want to do the best for your kids even if the other parent is not aligned with you.
So the ex the says you are going to split them up? I said I am not splitting them up, d doesn’t want to come and if s does that should be ok. She said I don’t think it’s a good idea to split them up. I said can you explain why it isn’t a good idea? She just said I don’t think it is.
Notice XW doesn't give you a valid reason? Take Unichen's tip and next time XW wants to discuss kids. Like Uni said. You don't owe an explanation, no more than XW owes you one. Pull XW aside to discuss kids every time when necessary. Discussions regarding kids shouldn't happen in front of kids. Don't want to fill kids heads up with complexes. Be consistent with that. You are putting your foot down, but being mature and responsible about it. Do not discuss kids with XW in front of them as if they are a third party to the matter.
So since she doesn’t want to come she is staying with you. And since s is ok with it he will be coming with me.
Good. Assertive and right to the point. Nice to see a "This is what's going to happen based on available options, and children's choices." scenario. You are right D is old enough to make that decision. D chose. S chose. Options were given. This is the outcome. Its your XW weekend anyway. You are doing XW and S the favor by spending time with S. D was invited and included, but she chose otherwise. Logically and technically speaking, XW load is being lightened in a sense.
She then said d shouldn’t have a say on where she goes. Right in front of her. I said look she is old enough to make that decision.
Yeah this is exactly where you pull XW aside to discuss this not in front of the children. If D is of appropriate age and maturity to be making that descision based on her maturity level. XW should not be making those statements especially in front of the kids. If D isn't of appropriate age and maturity. Still should be discussed on the side.
She is pushing my d on me because she is looking for this opportunity to go out and party. Granted she is entitled to do that but don’t force my d on me when this is actually her day with the kids and d is old enough to say she would rather not go.
Yeah it could be because she wants to party and taking only 1 of 2 kids could bottle neck in last minute plans for her. All of a sudden XW cares about giving kids equal parental attention and time when it suits and benefits her? Don't allow that type of manipulation from her. Let her schedule her recreational activities on her own time off from the kids unless you have both kids. But then again her social affairs are none of your business anymore. Even though she's not saying her agenda to you. XW can hire a babysitter if D staying with her interferes with her plans. But again. You can't control XW. Just you. You know as well as I know Wolf, that they will take every advantage to dump the kids off on you when it suits their social agenda on their time with the kids. Another form of cake eating. But that door swings both ways too. There may be moments where you want to do something without the kids or a event or vacation or something where you might have to ask or request XW to watch kids for a date swap. So there has to be give and take and some concessions made over time with this. Me personally. Unless its really important or critically necessary, I schedule all my GAL on my own time.
She said well I have to pick them BOTH up at 9 they have school tomorrow. Again insisting d was coming with me. I just said we can talk about this later.
It couldn't hurt to make a compromise and leave D with XW, pickup S and volunteer to run S back to XW's house after the SuperBowl party to save XW some trouble.
Unchien thank you for the comments. I would never ask my s if ex says anything about me. Also if my d wanted to come she could come. My d decided not to come and it was fine. Ex didn’t bring up separating them.
IH thank you for hour comments. Surprisingly it worked out. She didn’t push my d on me. I would have taken her but she did not want to come. I took my s and we had a great time. One thing though. I went to pick up s at 5:30 from the house. Ex was running late with kids. She got there about 2 minutes later. She said sorry I’m late I said no problem. She gave my s a hug and he got in the car. My d said hello to me and I said hi back. Then ex said I know when I am late you give me such a hard time. Always looking to start things. I just said no hard time no problem at all in a very nice calm voice. I will have s home by 9 and I left. Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons? Or is she trying to remind herself why she d me?
My s and I had such a great time at the super bowl party. At 8:30 he said dad I don’t want to leave. I said I know but you have school tomorrow. When I drove him home and we got out, I walked him to the door. He turned and gave me the biggest hug and said I love you dad I said I love you too. Just typing this I am starting to tear up. Again for me this is so hard because how much I love my kids and want to be with them all the time. I know people here say you never know, but I feel it’s too late. What I wouldn’t do to be a family again. It’s hard there are times when I feel like I am truly accepting this new life and ready to move on. But then a little moment like that kills me. I love my kids dearly and hate that they are going through this!!!
I close on my home in 2 days and I’m actually really sad. Because this is just another event that says this is real.
Ex was running late with kids. She got there about 2 minutes later. She said sorry I’m late I said no problem. She gave my s a hug and he got in the car. My d said hello to me and I said hi back. Then ex said I know when I am late you give me such a hard time. Always looking to start things. I just said no hard time no problem at all in a very nice calm voice. I will have s home by 9 and I left. Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons? Or is she trying to remind herself why she d me?
The way I'm reading it Wolf could be one of two ways. XW Is glad you are not giving her a hard time for being late this time and notices a behavior change with you. Or two she is expecting you to give her a hard time for being late from past experiences, and is bating you with drama because a negative interaction is better than no interaction at all or indifference. The latter is a narc characteristic. Either way sounds like you had a positive uneventful fulfilling experience with XW and S. My question is what meaning are you going to assign and does it matter or have bearing on a positive outcome or direction in your life? What do you think? Do you think all went well as far as co-parenting this interaction?
Ex was running late with kids. She got there about 2 minutes later. She said sorry I’m late I said no problem. She gave my s a hug and he got in the car. My d said hello to me and I said hi back. Then ex said I know when I am late you give me such a hard time. Always looking to start things. I just said no hard time no problem at all in a very nice calm voice. I will have s home by 9 and I left. Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons? Or is she trying to remind herself why she d me?
The way I'm reading it Wolf could be one of two ways. XW Is glad you are not giving her a hard time for being late this time and notices a behavior change with you. Or two she is expecting you to give her a hard time for being late from past experiences, and is bating you with drama because a negative interaction is better than no interaction at all or indifference. The latter is a narc characteristic. Either way sounds like you had a positive uneventful fulfilling experience with XW and S. My question is what meaning are you going to assign and does it matter or have bearing on a positive outcome or direction in your life? What do you think? Do you think all went well as far as co-parenting this interaction?
The meaning is both. I think she sees changes but doesn’t want to acknowledge it, also I feel she loves drama and is always looking for something. I just show I am not that person anymore, or at least trying to be understanding and calm yet indifferent with ex.
I think it’s good she sees these changes but it’s way to early to mean anything to her. I think it went well. I try very hard to communicate everything. I use to wait till the last minute to tell her things or do things. So we were in constant communication about what was going on yesterday as far as the kids.
Wolf ~ You avoided drama, you stayed calm, and your S had a great time. Sounds like a great day! I know it's hard and emotional but I think it's worth celebrating when you handle things well.
You are wise not to take the bait your XW throws out. It's soooo hard not to bite.
Regardless of what this means for your R with your XW, the above things are really positive and the right path forward.
Wolf ~ You avoided drama, you stayed calm, and your S had a great time. Sounds like a great day! I know it's hard and emotional but I think it's worth celebrating when you handle things well.
You are wise not to take the bait your XW throws out. It's soooo hard not to bite.
Regardless of what this means for your R with your XW, the above things are really positive and the right path forward.
Thank you. I am trying just to be calm and not let her nonsense bother me anymore. I am finally starting to really detach in the sense that her words or actions won’t dictate how I feel. Every little thing in the past I use to take to heart. I am working real hard to with my d to be understanding and loving to her. I see a little change in her behavior towards me now. I know it will be a while but I truly think she will regret this decision. I am working hard on being the man only a fool would leave. And if she doesn’t regret it that’s fine too. I just want to be a better person, a better dad and a better partner. I will say this, I have learned so much in the last 17 months from my readings and mostly from here. Thank you everyone for helping and always chiming in. I have come a long way but I still have a long way to go. Thank you again everyone for always helping. Sometimes I read your comments 4 and 5 times to really understand what the message is.
I think she legit noticed a change in her behavior. Did you get in her for being a few minutes late in the past?
My ex would get on me about the dumbest things and tear me down. For getting the wrong brand of something at the grocery store. For not being where he wanted at the exact time. Anything he could, he would. And it gave me a defensive reaction, a fear, everything around the tiniest things. I hated it.
She’s used to you reacting one way and she noticed you didn’t. She making you aware of a changed behavior that really upset her. She’s not pushing your buttons there. I can almost guarantee she was seriously freaking out in the car because of past reactions and she was shocked when it didn’t happen and she brought it up.
It would make much better for coparenting this way. My ex and I get along better than we ever did married. He’s a narcissist alright. He was awful to me married, but really has changed his ways by being more forgiving, understanding and validating. He was all of the opposite when we were dating/married. I appreciate it and it makes for much better coparenting
Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons?
Pushing buttons is not fun if there is no reaction. You are in control of your response when the buttons get pushed. Keep your buttons disconnected.
Wolf, there's a few things in there that bother me. First of all it sounds to me like S was adamant that he only wanted to watch the SB with you ALONE. Not you sitting next to him in a room full of people. It really does seem like you were coercing him into something he didn't want to do. I know that is something my son would not have liked when he was that age, his anxiety would be through the roof. Sure you kept asking nice and telling him it was fine if he didn't want to go, but he didn't want to disappoint you. He responded several times that he only wanted to watch it with you, and every time you said "no problem I'll be right next to you". Yeah, in a room full of strangers. That isn't what S wanted! Your W may very well have been trying to shield him because she knew he didn't want to go to someone else's house, but that he wouldn't be able to stand up for himself (he is only 9). Personally I think if you had offered to take S and D to your house that would have been a good compromise that would have made everyone happy including your W. Remember, it was your W's time with them. It is strictly up to her whether to allow you that time, and when you make it difficult on everyone then the next time you ask she'll be much less likely to accommodate you. Keeping a peaceful co-parenting arrangement is much more important than winning a battle in this case. It sounds like it all went well so that's good, but I offer this so that maybe you can see where your W might have been coming from. I know my kids would say one thing to my XW and another to me because they found me intimidating even when I was trying my hardest not to be.
She is pushing my d on me because she is looking for this opportunity to go out and party.
Who cares? Take as much time with the kids as you can, what your W does with her spare time is only her concern as long as it's not endangering the kids.
I think she legit noticed a change in her behavior. Did you get in her for being a few minutes late in the past?
She’s used to you reacting one way and she noticed you didn’t. She making you aware of a changed behavior that really upset her.
Yes in the past I would give her a hard time. If she said she was going out with friends and said she would be home by a certain time and wasn’t, I would wait 15-20 minutes. If she wasn’t home or didn’t text me I would call or text her and yes, I would give her an attitude. One time she went to breakfast with friends, I was expecting hour, hour and a half. She came home 3 hours later (in case you are wondering she went out with 2 other women who I am friends with their husbands and asked when their wives got home and it was 3 hours). I was pissed and gave her a hard time about it. So those past experiences definitely gave her anxiety. Not for nothing but she did the same to me. Gave me a hard time when I went out and about being home at a certain time. Granted I should have been better and done a better job about speaking to her about it. I really wish I could of handled things differently back then.
Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons?
Pushing buttons is not fun if there is no reaction. You are in control of your response when the buttons get pushed. Keep your buttons disconnected.
I do keep them disconnected. I try very hard not to let her bother me.
I do. Trying very hard to be happy around her and not let her words bother me.
AS I have to disagree with you. I don’t think that my s should be making the decisions. And my w wasn’t trying to shield him she just wanted him for herself. I will tell you why. She told me about 3 times to make sure he was home by 9 because he had to go to bed because he has a hard time getting up in the morning. So fine I understand that. So I made sure he was home by 9. Monday when I picked him up I told my s who won the game. He said I know. I said you do? He said yeah me, mom and sister stayed up and watched the whole game. He said when he was yelling at the tv mom was recording him. Ex hates football she never watches it. Shoot I played football in college and semi-pro and she never watched me play. All the past Super Bowls she never watched when we went to party’s she would be off with the women drinking. So it annoys me that she made me take him home early when we were having a good time. She should have just told me the truth that she wanted to watch it with him too. It makes me wonder what she said to s that made him not want to go in the first place.
Was there anything positive about your W? I know we only have your side of the story, but she really sounds dreadful. Were the two of you ever happy in your MR?
In the past, I've been guilty of really letting another person get under my skin, to the point it would consume my thoughts, conversations, everyday life, etc. The fact that they were driving me insane, wasn't hurting the other person, whatsoever. I was giving the other person power over my life. You may say this is nothing like you, and that you just report an update about your sitch. That's what we want you to do, but at the same time, I am concerned.
Maybe I'm wrong, but this is kind of what I see with you. She's driving you nuts, by the least little things. She doesn't care how it affects you........and she will probably never change how she interacts with you. Why? B/c the two of you have had this type of bad interaction for years.......maybe always. She was a spoiled child, who threw tantrums until she got her way........and it still works for her, so she's not going to change. When reading your posts, I wonder if you keep expecting her to change how she interacts with you about the kids? I think I remember you asking the question if she would ever treat you better.....or something along that line. I don't think she will, Wolf, b/c you are doing more damage to yourself than she ever could. What do I mean? You are constantly finding fault with her. I'm not pointing to any particular incident, but usually, there is something she's said/done that sets like a hot coal in your brain. Maybe you don't say anything about it to her, but nevertheless, it registers in your mind/heart. You are keeping score of the past, as well as currently. Guess who it is hurting? Not her!
Here's what happens. All of that fault finding, score keeping, and saving up more & more resentment........turns into very sour grapes. Nobody will want to be around Wolfe, if you don't let go of it. I've seen the results of people who were eat up with bitterness, and it's not a pretty situation. Their own kids can't stand to be with them. They die lonely, angry individuals, b/c they would not let it go.
I think apart from the situation with your W, that you are probably a good guy who wants to enjoy being with his kids and friends. I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish with your XW, if you still want a MR with her, or if you want nothing more than for her to cooperate and work with you in co-parenting the kids. On one hand you talk about how you are trying, but it's like everything she does just eats at you. I don't doubt a word you've said about her. It makes me remember how I talked about my H when I first joined the board. I felt as if nobody was listening, b/c they would suggest what I needed to be doing. Finally, someone told me (and I often pass it along) that it wasn't my H who was showing up on the board.......it was me!
I am not suggesting you have no requirements or conditions for her, should there be a future reconciliation. However, I am suggesting that it's time you stop expecting to see improved behavior in your XW. Whatever you have to do to find a way of processing or retraining your thought responses/patterns, coping with an unreasonable and unbearable XW, then do yourself a favor and get CBT, attend church, take psychology classes, watch You Tube, or do something that will help you learn how to deal with difficult people in your life. I don't want you having a heart attack, and it can happen when someone is pushing your buttons all the time. She won't change. She's not searching for relationship tools, or even co-parenting tools (apparently)........so how can you help Wolfe?
You currently have a girlfriend, right? Do you hope to reconcile with your W some day? Are you emotionally attached to your XW, b/c you want a future with her? I mean, you are emotionally attached, even if it's negative emotions. There seems to be too much spoken between you and XW. Your parenting style and her parenting style is not going to match, so the more you can avoid that whole scenario where she tattles to you about the kids......the better. Don't try to rescue her from the kids, or other issues she has brought on herself. Are you still going inside to get the kids? Asking the kids questions about what happens after you leave, or any other time they are with their mom, is an invitation for anxiety. I think you need to be careful there. ((hugs))
AS I have to disagree with you. I don’t think that my s should be making the decisions. And my w wasn’t trying to shield him she just wanted him for herself. I will tell you why. She told me about 3 times to make sure he was home by 9 because he had to go to bed because he has a hard time getting up in the morning. So fine I understand that. So I made sure he was home by 9. Monday when I picked him up I told my s who won the game. He said I know. I said you do? He said yeah me, mom and sister stayed up and watched the whole game. He said when he was yelling at the tv mom was recording him. Ex hates football she never watches it. Shoot I played football in college and semi-pro and she never watched me play. All the past Super Bowls she never watched when we went to party’s she would be off with the women drinking. So it annoys me that she made me take him home early when we were having a good time. She should have just told me the truth that she wanted to watch it with him too. It makes me wonder what she said to s that made him not want to go in the first place.
IT WAS HER TIME WITH THE KIDS!!!!!! She gave you some of HER time with them, what are you not understanding about this? It was COMPLETELY at HER discretion! Why do you constantly paint her as the bad guy? She didn't have to give you any time with them! I think you're really struggling with seeing anything from her point of view. You asked her to take S during her time with him, and then you want to take him to an adult party somewhere. I can completely understand why this would give her heartburn. She wanted him back early, fine. What they did after you took him back is frankly none of your business. Look, the two of you are separated. You've got to quit spinning your wheels on who she's with, what she's doing, etc. Use your time with the kids wisely, and allow her to have her time with them undisturbed. I understand that to you the Super Bowl is a big deal and that you think it should be an exception, but she probably doesn't see it that way. But she STILL allowed you to take S, which personally I think was quite generous of her.
Why do you constantly paint her as the bad guy?
Personally,I don't think you should answer this question to us, but rather take a deep hard look at yourself and decided if this is working for you.
Use your time with the kids wisely, and allow her to have her time with them undisturbed.
This works well for me.
I could come here and post about all the things my X wife does that I disagree with. I don't know if that would help me or anyone else. She has bought each of my kids their cars. She has them paying her back until 50%. Not my parenting style. She pays for the insurance. Not my parenting style. Two of the cars have been wrecked. She buys them nicer cars. Not my parenting style. They get new phones every time theirs break. Not my parenting style. I could go on for days. I believe they should work hard and save up for their first POS car and pick it out themselves and earn money to replace the things they break. Different parenting styles. That is OK. I can't control her. I tell my kids they are lucky. I did not get to this point overnight. I focus on what I have control of. I let go of the things out of my control. I can't control her. I let her parent her way and I parent my way. I let her choices go. I stand for the important things. Equal parenting time.
Was there anything positive about your W? I know we only have your side of the story, but she really sounds dreadful. Were the two of you ever happy in your MR?
She was very caring at the very beginning. She always wanted to be with me. She would always call me when she left work and just wanted to spend tiMe with me. We were very happy, we did t have a lot of money and stayed home most weekends watching movies and going out to an occasional dinner. We went to the gym together and we were inseparable. Once we had kids there were some changes in her. I would say normal things that come with have kids. She was always tired and stressed. She was never a sexual person and I was her first. As we started to make more money she started to actually complain more that we weren’t doing enough ( dinner out, vacations, material things) So we started to do those things more. We both have good jobs and yet at the end of the month we never had any extra money. The more we made the more she wanted to spend and the less she wanted to be home. Little by little she started to cook less, keep up with the house less. She would constantly say things like she works during the week and she is tired and doesn’t want to cook all the time or want to clean. And the. On the weekend she would say she needs down time and doesn’t want to cook or clean because she is a working woman. And look I get those things, who really wants to cook all the time and clean when you have a job? But we have a home and kids and unfortunately at some point these things need to get done. So she would ask me for help with things, she was “overwhelmed” so I started to pick up the slack. It got to a point I was good shopping, cleaning the house, landscaping, keeping up with the pool , paying bills, helping the kids with homework, cleaning up after dinner(loafing and unloading dishwasher). And she would complain that she needed more help with the kids. Like making there lunches and help with laundry. Well I said to her I can’t help her because I am already doing x,y, and z. And she would get angry and say I don’t help her. When I would list everything g I was doing to help her she would down play it like it was no big deal what I did. As she started to approach 40 she kept talking about getting older and she doesn’t look good. Meanwhile she is beautiful. I’ll never forget one day we were sitting with her 2 friends and my ex said that we never travel. Both her friends said are you crazy!!!! You go away more than both of us combined. She just never saw how lucky we were and how fortunate we were. Beautiful home, 2 great careers, 2 beautiful healthy kids, travel 5 times a year. But she always wanted more and more. Before we split she actually said to me, that she never imagined that she would ever have to work cook or clean. She knew I was becoming a teacher. There was no million dollar payday at the end of the rainbow. Also as time went we barely we sexual. Maybe twice a month. And it was me initiating it. Anytime so would talk to her about being intimate she would get mad at me. I would tell her I love her and am very attracted to her and I love being intimate with my wife. If I didn’t initiate it we could go 2 months sometimes. Basically it started off loving and happy and life was simple but the more money we made and her being on Facebook and constantly comparing our life things started to get worse. I have to go to work I’ll be back later to address more and everyone else’s comments.
You currently have a girlfriend, right? Do you hope to reconcile with your W some day? Are you emotionally attached to your XW, b/c you want a future with her? I mean, you are emotionally attached, even if it's negative emotions. There seems to be too much spoken between you and XW. Your parenting style and her parenting style is not going to match, so the more you can avoid that whole scenario where she tattles to you about the kids......the better. Don't try to rescue her from the kids, or other issues she has brought on herself. Are you still going inside to get the kids? Asking the kids questions about what happens after you leave, or any other time they are with their mom, is an invitation for anxiety. I think you need to be careful there. ((hugs))
I do have a GF that I care for a lot. I just miss the family dynamic. I feel I put so much effort to keep my w happy and do anything I could to help he out. Then to have the rug taken out from under me. I have come a long way but have a long way to go still. Sometimes I do hope that we can reconcile because of the home I worked so hard on, my children being with them. I know it may not seem that way but I have truly learned a lot from here and am a much better partner. But she has done no work so I can’t imagine what it would be like if it did happen.
I don’t go in the house anymore. I stopped about 2 months ago. I wait in the car to pick them up and drop them off in the driveway. I don’t ask my kids anymore what they do when they are not with me. Honestly, I got to a point where I thought we had the “perfect” family life. Both teachers, off all summer together, making 2 good salaries and I have another career too. A dream home that I completely renovated, 2 beautiful healthy kids, we were living the American dream. Or at least I thought we were. 2 things happened right before the split. Our good friend’s daughter drowned a month before we were going away with them on a cruise. When that happened I saw a change in her and even her parents. And she said to me life is short and you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow and that you need to live your life. That and her about to turn 40 and she was having a hard time with that. She said she felt old, out of shape, fat and in her words frumpy. And then she would say, “I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy.” That statement goes to show her sense of entitlement. And in case you are wondering, we didn’t argue, very rarely, I was always around and we were always doing things together as a family. I was always telling her how much I loved her and how beautiful she was. I adored my w. But I guess I did t speak her love language because evidently she wasn’t feeling it.
AS I have to disagree with you. I don’t think that my s should be making the decisions. And my w wasn’t trying to shield him she just wanted him for herself. I will tell you why. She told me about 3 times to make sure he was home by 9 because he had to go to bed because he has a hard time getting up in the morning. So fine I understand that. So I made sure he was home by 9. Monday when I picked him up I told my s who won the game. He said I know. I said you do? He said yeah me, mom and sister stayed up and watched the whole game. He said when he was yelling at the tv mom was recording him. Ex hates football she never watches it. Shoot I played football in college and semi-pro and she never watched me play. All the past Super Bowls she never watched when we went to party’s she would be off with the women drinking. So it annoys me that she made me take him home early when we were having a good time. She should have just told me the truth that she wanted to watch it with him too. It makes me wonder what she said to s that made him not want to go in the first place.
IT WAS HER TIME WITH THE KIDS!!!!!! She gave you some of HER time with them, what are you not understanding about this? It was COMPLETELY at HER discretion! Why do you constantly paint her as the bad guy? She didn't have to give you any time with them! I think you're really struggling with seeing anything from her point of view. You asked her to take S during her time with him, and then you want to take him to an adult party somewhere. I can completely understand why this would give her heartburn. She wanted him back early, fine. What they did after you took him back is frankly none of your business. Look, the two of you are separated. You've got to quit spinning your wheels on who she's with, what she's doing, etc. Use your time with the kids wisely, and allow her to have her time with them undisturbed. I understand that to you the Super Bowl is a big deal and that you think it should be an exception, but she probably doesn't see it that way. But she STILL allowed you to take S, which personally I think was quite generous of her.
I know it was her time with the kids and I was very appreciative. I thanked her many times for doing that. The adult party had kids there and she knows the people and so does my son. It wasn’t a strangers house. I think there is nothing wrong with me being annoyed with bringing him home early when she said he had to go to bed and she didn’t do that. I didn’t say anything to her I didn’t even ask my s about it. I just said to him that chiefs won and he told me everything. As far as painting her as the bad guy yeah I guess I do. I know I will probably upset people with this but she is the one who put us here. So yes, at times I am bitter seeing what she has done to our family. That there was never a chance to work on it or fix it. I have said this before, that nothing major happened, and she never even tried to work things out. Hey I hear how people are cheated on, abuse, addiction and those couples work it out. Hey we had nothing like that. So yeah at times I feel she is the bad guy for doing this to me but more importantly doing this to my kids. Constant back and forth, not having both of us around all the time. I would do anything to keep a “normal” life for my kids. I initiated MC after 4 days she stopped. I moved into the basement to appease her to show her I would do anything for her (obviously that was wrong to do, I know that now). I was willing to sacrifice or do anything to keep the family together. So yeah t times, I struggle why she wouldn’t? Obviously I’m her mind it was to hard for her to stay married. But honestly she still looks miserable. And still never seems happy. She thought I was the root of her unhappiness.
Wolf,
You keep making this statement.
[she is the one who put us here.
You both are at fault. You didn't hold her accountable and accepted everything she wanted even if you know it wasn't something that you agreed with. That's appeasement and not love. You have to be accountable for your faults as well. You are holding on to this belief, that, "only if my W would of tried and gave us a chance we would be together". But you help to create an environment of entitlement that she has.
Accept you faults!!! She is entitled and has a lot of work to do, but so do you and finding blame in her won't help.
Joejoe
Wolf,
You keep making this statement.
[she is the one who put us here.
You both are at fault. You didn't hold her accountable and accepted everything she wanted even if you know it wasn't something that you agreed with. That's appeasement and not love. You have to be accountable for your faults as well. You are holding on to this belief, that, "only if my W would of tried and gave us a chance we would be together". But you help to create an environment of entitlement that she has.
Accept you faults!!! She is entitled and has a lot of work to do, but so do you and finding blame in her won't help.
Joejoe
I know I created that environment. I thought I was being a good husband by trying to help her. I didn’t volunteer this help. She would ask for more help and I would help her. That’s all she would say is that she needs help and I would help. As a husband was I suppose to say no, I won’t help you? I also recognize my faults in the relationship, she wanted more emotionally. I just needed to listen more to her. I Leander her “love language” after the fact but I know now if things ever changed. Maybe if I had given her more emotionally she wouldn’t have needed so much help around the house. I don’t know.
The thing I find funny is that she always needed me to help her. How she would tell me she is “drowning” with the kids and house work. And I was doing the food shopping, house cleaning, landscaping, bills, trash, cleaning up after dinner, helping the kids, and now she has to do all that by herself. I have read so much on here they are acting on emotion that is so true with my ex. I just wish she would have thought logically about how our marriage was. We had so much fun as a family and were very loving most of the time. Was there things I did wrong and needed to do better. Absolutely!! I don’t think it warranted divorce but that is me thinking logically and not emotionally like her.
Joejoe I know my faults and am working on them. She definitely has a lot of work since she has headed into MLC. I hope one day she “wakes” up, I just hope it’s not too late and I no longer want her.
You hope she wakes up before it’s too late and you don’t want her anymore?
So you admit you want her now, yet you are with another woman.
You are being extremely selfish here.
IMO you are/were no way near ready to date. It is also extremely unfair to your GF. You are not well yet, you have not given yourself sufficient time to heal from your trauma. You snapping at your W proves that. And you admitting to loving your W and wanting her back confirms the whole thing.
I would date to say you are in a form of transition yourself, but perhaps oblivious to this fact.
You hope she wakes up before it’s too late and you don’t want her anymore?
So you admit you want her now, yet you are with another woman.
You are being extremely selfish here.
I know. I wasn’t looking for a GF. It just sort of happened. The thing is my GF is having a real hard time that I have kids. She wants to be #1 in my life. She doesn’t understand my children will be #1. At first she seemed ok with that. Like me having them for the weekend and not able to see her. But now that is becoming a problem. She is much younger than me and immature. This is only starting to come out. So my feelings for my GF are disappearing. At you are all right I think it’s time for me to be alone and find myself. Do t get me wrong I really liked this girl but I guess the “honeymoon” is over. Like I said I wasn’t looking for a GF it just happened and I was really starting to fall for her until this came up.
More to come have to run!!
W,
I have to be honest with you I have never stumbled onto a girlfriend before.
So things get challenging and you are just going to discard her? Isn’t that what you’ve been crying day after day for over a year that your W did to you?
You have some work to do my friend.
W,
I have to be honest with you I have never stumbled onto a girlfriend before.
So things get challenging and you are just going to discard her? Isn’t that what you’ve been crying day after day for over a year that your W did to you?
You have some work to do my friend.
I am not discarding her. She doesn’t want the relationship as much anymore. She wants to move in with me and I said I don’t think that is a good idea. My kids need to get adjusted to this new life. I told her she could be there most of the time. But she can’t stay over when my kids are there and she is having a hard time with that. I told her if things go well over time, then yes, I would have her move in. She needs to take it slow. So it’s not me discarding her it’s her distancing herself. Honestly if these problems are happening now what’s it going to be like down the road. I am trying real hard to understand what she is feeling and where she is coming from. But she needs to understand I have kids and this is new to them and having a “strange” woman live with them would be hard. My kids have met her 3 times.
I understand she wants to be and feel like she is number 1 in my life. Every boyfriend/girlfriend wants to, but it’s not just about her and I. I have kids I need to take care of and protect.
W,
It sounds like you need to be honest with this young lady and move on. She don't need to be in your life at the moment, you can't make her the priority she wants to be and it's nothing wrong with that. Just be honest and upfront and let her know that you have more important things you have to take care of right now and you need time for yourself and kids.
Ask yourself, if she's immature, is that a woman that you want around your children when you are not around them. Because, if she can't past that test, you all should go ya'll separate ways. Sounds like she stills have growing to do on her own.
Joejoe
Teachers salary? Move in together? Met your kids 3 times. Dating what? 6 months? Oh brother!
You don’t sound like you are in love with your girlfriend and thinking of a future with her. It sounds as if you are using her to make yourself feel better. Do her a favour and let her go. Tell her, honestly, that you are not on the same page and she would do better to date other people and find someone who is. I agree with Ginger. You are being selfish keeping her around. She’s looking for Mr. Right and you only see her as Ms. Right Now. Work on yourself Wolf. Get healthy. Get over your W before you start dating anyone else.
Teachers salary? Move in together? Met your kids 3 times. Dating what? 6 months? Oh brother!
What is that all suppose to mean? I’m a little confused.
You don’t sound like you are in love with your girlfriend and thinking of a future with her. It sounds as if you are using her to make yourself feel better. Do her a favour and let her go.
I am falling in love with her. I want a future with her. I really do. But she needs some growing up to do. She wants to be number 1 in my life over my kids. This is all new and fresh to my kids. I have to be very careful of their needs. I really want this relationship with her, but when she says things like she is number 1 over my kids, I have a problem with that. Even my IC said she should not move in right now. Too soon for the kids. GF wants to either move in or nothing. I will try a little longer to make it work, but if I am the only one putting in the effort then it will be time for me to back off. At first I would say I was dating her for my own selfish reasons but I do want this with her. If I didn’t have 2 kids I would definitely have her move in. I need to know that this is solid.
Anyway on other news I took my d to Home Depot to pick out colors for her room. She was excited that I was letting her color the room how she wanted. Purple and grey. We picked up samples and put some on the wall yesterday and she was excited. She also asked me if GF was moving in, I told her no. And she was very happy with that too. Divorce is h3ll on the kids. I want to make this as happy as I can for them. I want to create a place that they can call home to and feel comfortable. I am willing to sacrifice my relationship with my GF for my children’s happiness. Because honestly I would have been so happy for my GF to move in. But it’s not about my happiness all the time, sometimes it’s about doing what’s right. I read a quote the other day and it just keeps playing out in my head. The quote I read was, “Don’t do what’s easy, do what’s right.” I wish I would have done that early on in my situation when a lot of you were telling me what I should have done, but I didn’t because my way was the easy way not the right way. Don’t know if anyone agrees with what I am doing or not as far as sacrificing my relationship for my kids but I need to.
Lastly I feel like if my GF truly loved me she would be patient and eventually I would have her move in. She said something to me last night that really bothered me. She said she is now going to focus more on herself than the relationship.
W,
It sounds like you need to be honest with this young lady and move on. She don't need to be in your life at the moment, you can't make her the priority she wants to be and it's nothing wrong with that. Just be honest and upfront and let her know that you have more important things you have to take care of right now and you need time for yourself and kids.
Joejoe
I was honest with her about where she stood as far as priorities. She doesn’t like that the kids are number one. Only number one as far as living arrangement. If the roles where reversed I would understand if a woman said to me I don’t think my kids are ready for this. I told her I still want the relationship and she can stay over my house when kids are not around, which would always be Sunday to Thursday and every other weekend. Just the weekend that my kids stay with me she wouldn’t be able to stay until my kids get use to this new arrangement and we know our relationship is solid. I think that is very fair and reasonable.
I am not discarding her. She doesn’t want the relationship as much anymore. She wants to move in with me and I said I don’t think that is a good idea.
Sounds like she's sending you some mixed signals. She doesn't want the R as much, but she wants to move in. I've learned the hard way that a relationship needs to be on very firm footing before moving in together or the R will not survive. Before I got married I moved in with a GF I had been happily dating a year and another year later we were beyond done with each other. After my D my GF got herself into trouble with her apartments (for having a pit bull) and couldn't renew her lease, so she moved in with me temporarily. Oh man, the stories I could tell. It was a disaster. She moved out and we did continue to date, but years later she was still harboring resentment over it.
My kids need to get adjusted to this new life.
It takes a woman of deep emotional stability and maturity to step into that situation of moving in with someone that has kids. It doesn't sound like your GF is anything close to that.
I told her she could be there most of the time. But she can’t stay over when my kids are there and she is having a hard time with that.
So did my GF. These are huge red flags and it sounds like you are choosing to ignore them like I did. I eventually saw how selfish and immature my GF was being, but it took a major event before I woke up. The event was my father dying a few weeks ago. I asked her to come over because I was really down about it. She instead chose to go on a bar crawl with some friends and got so messed up on mushrooms that she was sending texts I couldn't even read. She spent the entire weekend drinking and getting high and barely texting me a word in my time of grief. Then she chose to pick a fight over my "selfish" request to have her drop everything and come see me. Don't wait for it to go that far with your GF, you're already seeing the red flags, pay them heed.
I told her if things go well over time, then yes, I would have her move in.
No. No promises. Tell her that FIRST she needs to show you emotional stability and maturity, and THEN the two of you can discuss those options.
Honestly if these problems are happening now what’s it going to be like down the road.
I can tell you, because I've already been there.
I understand she wants to be and feel like she is number 1 in my life. Every boyfriend/girlfriend wants to, but it’s not just about her and I. I have kids I need to take care of and protect.
That's correct. My XGF has a daughter, I told her that I expect her daughter to be a priority over me just as my kids are a priority over XGF. She said she understood and respected that, but of course would then pick fights with me over how I focused too much on the kids and not on her. Even though most of her excuses about not having time to see me were because of her daughter.
If any of this is sounding familiar then break it off with her now. It's not going to change with time.
Hey Wolf -
I agree with the others. I'm going to come at this from a very simple perspective.
You shouldn't be seeing anyone if you are not over your W.
It's not fair to the GF, and it creates too much drama for you at a time when you should be simplifying things and spending time with your kids.
My 2 cents
Stay strong
Please take some time and heal yourself first. You and your children are the most important people in this equation at the moment. If you still have feelings for your w, then you aren't ready to commit to someone moving in and being around 24/7.
Take the time to get settled into your new single life and above all else, help your children adjust. Bringing someone into the mix, who according to you still needs to grow up a bit, is only going to create a lot of crazy making behavior and it certainly will not be a calm atmosphere for you and your children. There will be just too much drama and if she's not willing to stand by and watch you put your children first...then she's out...period.
Work on you and take care of your children for now.
Please take some time and reread AS's post a couple of times. Let it sink in. Ignoring the red flags will land you in a lot of hot water. You do not need this $hit. Especially not now. Focus on you and the kids. Your GF is impeding your growth.
All of you are so right. She needs to mature more. It’s so hard to let go. I am so attracted to her and she has a lot of amazing qualities. Of course being mature is a big one. I have a huge flaw that I have been recently realizing. I go for very attractive women and then put up with a lot of $hit. At the beginning it always seems so good. And over time things start to come up and then I have a hard time to let go. I went over this with my IC. It stems from when I was younger. I was super skinny, buck teeth, blonde Afro, man I was ugly. Over time, worked out, got braces, got rid of the fro and started to get women. Very attractive women. So deep down I have insecurities and self esteem issues. I would always let the average looking woman but really good woman go, and get stuck on the very attractive women who were Paine in the butt. I know it’s stupid but I get scared, I get scared that I will be alone the rest of my life. Those are my insecurities from when I was younger. I’m really trying to work on them. One of my good friends said it best, stop chasing all the hot woman and go for someone who is going to treat you like a king. Like you are the catch not them!! I hate having this insecurity!!! All I know if it doesn’t work with my GF and I will take a break, a long one and work on me. I hate the bad mistakes I have made!!!
On a completely different note. I had to laugh today, so many of the ex and I mutual friends are telling me how annoyed they are with the ex. She went around and blocked more of our mutual friends on Facebook. Who has time for that and she is burning so many bridges she will have no one left. Not my problem just thought it was funny so I wanted to share. That a 40 year old woman is acting like a high school student going around blocking people on Facebook. Lol
^^^^^^^^^ These are the type of post that show me you are growing through this ^^^^^^
Keep focused on your growth and things will keep getting better.
Well wolf it very simple but you always have to make things complicated. If your biggest fear is being alone then learn to be alone and ok with it. Then when your in relationship you can be yourself and not becoming needy and insecure and try to placate women because that becomes a complete turn off.
Interesting that your GF went from treating you like a king a month ago to a pain in the butt. I feel like in the last year and a half you haven't learned anything. Time to roll up your sleeves.
Well wolf it very simple but you always have to make things complicated. If your biggest fear is being alone then learn to be alone and ok with it. Then when your in relationship you can be yourself and not becoming needy and insecure and try to placate women because that becomes a complete turn off.
Interesting that your GF went from treating you like a king a month ago to a pain in the butt. I feel like in the last year and a half you haven't learned anything. Time to roll up your sleeves.
It’s funny you say all that. My GF talks about how confident and at times stubborn that I don’t give in to her all the time. I have learned to compromise better than I did before. But don’t give in to her every need. I know acting needy and insecure around women is a complete turn off. I am not like that around my GF, at all. My GF is beautiful and yet she is worried about me leaving her. Or another woman stealing me. LH I have learned a lot. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it. I have learned about validating feelings. Man has that been a wonderful skill to learn. Granted at times I fall off that wagon but I use it most of the time. I have really learned to look through the eyes of my partner and understand what they are truly feeling. I still have a long way to go but I am so much better. I wish I came to this site before the breakdown of my marriage. But it is what it is.
My GF is a flight attendant and just asked me 2 nights ago if I wanted to go to Brazil with her. I said sure. So we are going to Brazil on Saturday. I am excited and nervous because I hear mixed things about over there.
LH I appreciate you always being here for me and hitting me with your 2x4’s. I know it doesn’t seem like it helps but it does
.
^^^^^^^^^ These are the type of post that show me you are growing through this ^^^^^^
Keep focused on your growth and things will keep getting better.
Thank you. I am trying to understand my flaws and improve upon them.
Boy am I a glutton for punishment. You just said 11 hours ago that we are all right and your girlfriend needs to grow up and you need to learn to be alone and now you are off to Brazil. Are you going to take the free trip and then dump her? I’m sorry you come here look for validation and I’m not giving it to you. I’m gonna call you on your BS. I’m pretty sure you are a narcissist. I know first hand because my father is one. Talk to your IC about it.
Boy am I a glutton for punishment. You just said 11 hours ago that we are all right and your girlfriend needs to grow up and you need to learn to be alone and now you are off to Brazil. Are you going to take the free trip and then dump her? I’m sorry you come here look for validation and I’m not giving it to you. I’m gonna call you on your BS. I’m pretty sure you are a narcissist. I know first hand because my father is one. Talk to your IC about it.
You are right I did say she needs to grow up. But I never said I didn’t want the relationship. I look at it this way. No one is perfect. Is she immature right now? Yes. But there are so many great qualities that we share, both into fitness, same idea on intimacy, she loves to cook, we both like an neat and clean home, she is very honest and loyal, she is always so interested in my mom and kids, I love to show her affection, and making sure I speak her love language. As far as the alone part. IF we break up, then, yes, I would want to be alone for a while. No dating just focusing on myself and my kids. But I do want the relationship. She is young and hopefully over time she will mature. Oh and I am paying for the airfare for Brazil and Splitting the room. Maybe my last post was not clear. I want to be with my GF, I just want to slow it down and not have her move in so fast. But if things for some reason didn’t work out I would NOT BE JUMPING into another relationship. I would be alone. That’s fine that you call me out. I’m not looking for validation I always s want the truth even if it hurts.
You still want your wife, but you have a gf, one day she’s great, another day she’s too immature, another day you are going on vacation with her, and if you break up you will work on being alone.
You are all over the board . You don’t know which end is up! You take what you can get from whom will give it to you.
It’s really not fair to a lot of people. Including yourself.
[/quote]
The meaning is both. I think she sees changes but doesn’t want to acknowledge it, also I feel she loves drama and is always looking for something. I just show I am not that person anymore, or at least trying to be understanding and calm yet indifferent with ex.
I think it’s good she sees these changes but it’s way to early to mean anything to her. I think it went well. [/quote]
What are you hoping this would mean to her? I thought you were over her? This was Feb 3rd
Agree with LH and Ginger.
I also find it interesting that you say if this relationship doesn't work out you will NOT BE JUMPING into another. Why not? Are you not ready? Do you need time alone? If so, why are you with this girl now?
[/quote]
I hope one day she “wakes” up, I just hope it’s not too late and I no longer want her.[/quote] You said this Feb 10th - is it all of a sudden too late now?
Come on Wolf...
[/quote]
She is much younger than me and immature. This is only starting to come out. So my feelings for my GF are disappearing. [/quote]
Disappearing...so let's go to Brazil. Maybe these travels will make my EW jealous and she'll realize what she's missing???
You still want your wife, but you have a gf, one day she’s great, another day she’s too immature, another day you are going on vacation with her, and if you break up you will work on being alone.
You are all over the board.
I am just saying what’s going on in my life at the moment, as far as the GF. I want o be with my GF, just saying what was going on. I can say it does look like my emotions are all over the board. I don’t want to break up with her. But if something did happen I would be single for a while. I usually jump from one relationship to another.
I know I said some things about my ex. But we are way to far gone and I don’t think I could go back to her. She has destroyed way too much. One thing that will not change is the family dynamic. I miss that. It has nothing to do with my ex. Meaning down the road I would hope to have a family again. Whether it’s just being with another woman and having my kids or starting a new family.
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Disappearing...so let's go to Brazil. Maybe these travels will make my EW jealous and she'll realize what she's missing???
I am not doing this to make ex jealous. I’m going because I want to spend time with GF. If we weren’t going I would just be spending the time with her here.
we are going to Brazil on Saturday
Send me some coffee....or at least drink some and let us know how good it tastes....
we are going to Brazil on Saturday
Send me some coffee....or at least drink some and let us know how good it tastes....
Where do you live? Lol
Looking forward to this time alone. This is going to be a great time!!
Let us know if you sample any Kopi Luwak! LMAO :-D
Kopi luwak is in Indonesia, not Brazil
Yeah I know Vapo. Just humorous how it is made. Always makes me think of The Bucket List. "Are you $hitting me?" "Nope. Cat beat me to it!"
Listening to Sinatra all weekend. Forgot about this gem. Here's to you Wolf.
Way down among the Brazillians, coffee beans sell by the billions
So they have to find those extra cups to fill
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil
You date a girl and find out later she smells like a perculator
Her perfume was made right on the grill
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil
No tea (No tea) or tomato juice (Or tomato juice)
You'll see (You'll see) no potato juice (No potato juice)
All the farmers in Africa say, "Hey, hey"
A politician's daughter was accused of drinking water and was fineda great big fifty dollar bill
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil
A whole lot of coffee in Brazil
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil
No tea (No tea) or tomato juice (Or tomato juice)
You'll see (You'll see) no potato juice (No potato juice)
All the farmers in Africa say, "Hey, hey"
And when their ham and eggs need saving, coffee ketchup gives 'em flavour
Coffee pickles way outsell the pill
They put coffee in the coffee in Brazil
A whole lot of coffee in Brazil
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil
In Brazil
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil
A whole lot of coffee in Brazil
A whole lot of coffee in Brazil
IH thanks for that. Lol
Question. Today is ex birthday just ignore it? Or do I just send a text happy birthday. I believe I do nothing. But still wanted to run it by everyone.
Brazil was great with GF. We had a blast ate a lot of good meat, drank great alcohols. Only bad thing was 2 hours before we were leaving I was holding GF phone and I got pick pocketed. Thank god it was right before we were leaving.
Lol. You’re too much. You come back from a trip with your girlfriend from Brazil and you’re worried about sending you’re ex a simple happy birthday text.
Bizarre.
So Wolf? Question? Do you think you're XW would be at least considerate enough to send you a Happy Birthday text? Ate you sending this HB text "from you re friend zone" ? Just to be kind and considerate?
It’s amazing how much people put in wishing someone a happy birthday. I wish my ex happy birthday. Regardless of whether or not they would wish me one.
Why put so much thought into it?
Question. Today is ex birthday just ignore it? Or do I just send a text happy birthday. I believe I do nothing. But still wanted to run it by everyone.
Personally, I would have helped my kids "remember" several days ago and asked them what they were planning and if they need any help from me. Might be a little late now, but you could still text them.
Question. Today is ex birthday just ignore it? Or do I just send a text happy birthday. I believe I do nothing. But still wanted to run it by everyone.
Personally, I would have helped my kids "remember" several days ago and asked them what they were planning and if they need any help from me. Might be a little late now, but you could still text them.
They were away all last week on a cruise. So I couldn’t help them.
So Wolf? Question? Do you think you're XW would be at least considerate enough to send you a Happy Birthday text? Ate you sending this HB text "from you re friend zone" ? Just to be kind and considerate?
Just trying to be nice. Since all I ever heard from her was how vindictive I was. Which was not true. I don’t know if she would send me a HB text.
It’s amazing how much people put in wishing someone a happy birthday. I wish my ex happy birthday. Regardless of whether or not they would wish me one.
Why put so much thought into it?
Good question. Just trying to be nice. She likes to have this image in her head that I am an a$$hole. So that would be my 180. Even though she divorced me I am not that person. Would that then be considered Nice guy?
But why do you care so much about what she used to think of you, what she currently things of you, or how she will think of you in the future?
You do what you feel is internally the right thing! You make 180’s because YOU feel your past behavior was not acceptable. You make the changes you want based on the man you want to be. Not because you have something to prove to your ex wife. You have a girlfriend you are traveling to Brazil with, but you are still so concerned about proving something to your ex.
Make your choices based on the man you want to be for yourself
Please start a new thread and link this one to it. I will link your new thread to this one for you.