My best friend, confidante and soulmate of 20 years suddenly went off the deep end this past year. She began a new career in February 2019. I found her the position and encouraged her to apply fkr it, as she was looking to advance in her career. She didn't want to apply for it as she said she wouldnt qualify, but I reminded her how smart and beautiful she was. My xw and I were together 20 years and were married just shy of 10 years. We were so close and loving. She was always so proud to have me as her husband. We never grew apart. We never fell out of love. We showed each other affection at all times. We were the envy of all of out friends. People used to come to us for advice. No infidelity. No abuse. Just two people who were 100% loyal and devoted to one another.
Six weeks after she started her new position, she turned 37 years old. Shortly thereafter, she became a little bit more quiet. I know she was stressed about her new job, as she would text me from work telling how demanding it was. I continued support her as we always have each other. She told me how much loved me and always appreciated me for talking her off the ledge. With her new position paying so well she encouraged me to apply for grad school. She told me I didn't have to work while attending school but I had still intended on doing so. On April 4th, she came home (which was the same day I had been accepted to grad school unconditionally) and asked me if I were depressed. I was like...uh no. I'm excited as can be. I asked her why she thought that and she said she thought I had been depressed for 5 months after a good friend of mine took his own life. I assured her that I had processed that grief and was fine. I asked her what was going on and she stated that she wanted more out of life now and wanted to experience more. I told her we should take a few days and go to Vegas. I knew the conversation was odd, but was still unsure what was going through her head. She then walked out of the bedroom and no longer wanted to talk. We always has great communication in our relationship. We conversed about things that would make most couples blush.
A week later she came home from work and asked me if I knew I was her #1. I said of course I do because you are my #1. I told her I loved her. She proceeded to tell me that I was now her #2 and she was her new #1. I was like wth? She then told me her new career took priority over our marriage. I told her that she clearly had her priorities wrong now even though she never had before. Another week passed and she informed me her friend wanted her to attend a male strip review. I told her that was fine by me. I had actually encouraged her to go to one 18 years ago when she felt too awkward to go. She enjoyed herself with her coworkers. Ya see....our relationship was based on trust. We were not jealous or possessive or controlling of one another. One reason we had such a strong marriage. However, I overheard her at Easter dinner recruiting her cousin and sister to go to the strip tease. When we got home I simply told her that if it was her who was pulling the entire thing together to just be honest with me as she had always been . For the first time in 20 years she screamed at me, "I'm not going to effing go then!" I reiterated that I didn't care if she went, but she cancelled the plans anyway.
Fast forward to the last week of April. Things got really bizarre. We were lying in bed and she looked at me while on her phone and asked me if I knew what poly meant. I'm a goofball with a good sense of humor so I replied, "polyurethane? polyethylene?" She said...no...its a relationship term. I then asked if she meant polyamory? She said yes and asked me if I knew what it was. I knew exactly what it was but I had her explain it to me anyway. I asked what made her bring up that topic and she said she had been reading an article. I was like...oh..okay. It really didn't bother me. About a minute later I jokingly asked her if she were into that kind of thing. She looked at me with a dead blank stare and said, "I guess as long as there are rules attached." I asked if she were serious and she screamed at me again. She stated that she couldn't talk to me about anything and knew I would freak out. Which isn't true. She knows she can talk to.me about anything but I was shocked to hear her say such a thing. Past the point of that conversation, she became verbally and emotionally abusive. She would come home from work, hug and kiss me and tell me about her day. But, within an hour she would scream at me to get tf out of her face or her bubble if I initiated any affection. She became addicted to social media. Of which she used to ride me for the same thing to the point I curbed my social media use. She stated she felt angry so I bought bought boxing gloves and sparring mitts and began teaching her how to box. She really enjoyed it but would revert back to the emotionally abusive behavior nearly every night before bed. She and I had already snuggled with one another at bedtime of bedtime of which she would just throw her leg over mine. I would tell her good night and that I loved her, and at times she would reply with the same thing but with a sigh and in a sarcastic tone.
On the night of May 10th 2019 we had our very first yelling match in 20 years. At this point I had no idea what I was doing with. Earlier in the day I sat her down and asked her what was going on. She began to tear up and told me she thought she was losing her mind, going crazy, and that she could be in some kind of crisis. I had no idea what that meant. The rest of the day, she proceeded to listen to headphones and play on social media thus ignoring me the entire day. When I gave her grief about it that night she said she had had thoughts that she didn't want to be with meanymore. I left town and drove 45 miles to friends house and stayed the night. Realizing I shouldn't have left and how much I loved her I drove back without sleep and returned at 6am the next morning. She was waiting for me at the door crying and said she loved me and wished she could take back what she said.
During these changes, she stopped eating healthy and was literally living on protein shakes and cheese sandwiches. She started wearing thongs even though she hates them. She bought a new wardrobe, although nothing revealing....just the same old style she always wore. She got a new tattoo to cover an old one. She began listening to edm and some other twisted dark music. I used to get up at 5am every morning to feed our cats, which were our kids because we never had any. I would make her lunch and breakfast. I took care of the yardwork, house cleaning and car maintenance. Things she alway appreciated about me. I had just spent 5 months doing a full remodel of our home with my own blood sweat and tears. I began getting suspicious about her changes and began snooping. Never found any sign of an EA or PA. She called me on every lunch break, texted me all day from work. Had photos of us in her office. Always spoke of me in high regard to her new boss. Came home at the same time everyday from work, etc. She would evwn show me affection at her new job when I came to get her for lunch. I could tell though that she would rather go to lunch with her friends on her days off than he with me which is out of character for her. She really was with her friends and was where she said she was going to be as the charges would appear on the bank a statement.
Her emotionally abusive behavior became worse through May and into June. I began to research MLC and found some basic info. Wish I had researched like I have been the rest of 2019. One night she came home from work and we were talking and I assured her I would never leave her side through her crisis as long as she remained true to me. I told her I loved her and would help her and we could bond through it. She agreed, told me she loved me, and hugged and kissed me. She said I had always been her rock. We went out to eat the next morning and I gave her a hug and kiss afterwards in front of the restaurant and thanked her for breakfast. She said...what is this? PDA? I wasn't sure what that meant. She explained...public display of affection in a nasty tone. I once showed her my weightlifting progress on my abs. Normally she would have said...good job baby. I'm so proud of you. This time she said...So, I don't give af! Her behavior had me standing on one leg
On June 13th, she came home and sat in my lap after work and told me about her day and hugged and kissed on me like she did for 20 years. Less than an hour later, I give her a kiss and she screams for me to get tf out of her bubble again. This time, I lost my cool and yelled at her. I hit a breaking point with the roller coaster ride. She jumped up and dropped the bomb. She told me ILYBINILWYA. She told me she didn't find me attractive or interesting. She told me she wanted our marriage to fail and that I had been trying too hard to save it because she didn't want it to work. She emotionally annihilated me that night. I left town to stay with my son out of state for 6 days to give her the time and space she had been desiring. I decided to return home and she walked out the night I came home and filed for divorce the very next day. She told me she had thoughts about wanting to be with another man or woman. She said she had nobody in mind but wanted anyone but me. I've never been so devastated in my life. This is NOT my wife!
She begged to keep the house that I had just remodeled but I promptly put in on the market and had it under contract in 4 days. She stayed with her friend. The same friend she confided in instead of me when her crisis began. Her friend is married with kids. My xw has no single friends. The house sold. We split the equity. I gave her all the furniture of which she sold to erase all memories of me...smh. I moved to another state 50 miles away where I lived when I met her. I have continued getting in better shape and lifting weights. I am close to my son and grandkids where I live. The xw blocked me and her own stepson off her social media of which she unblocked me after the house sold. Not sure why. I have gone rafting, raving, mountain biking, to concerts, hiking and am planning a trip to Vegas and Phoenix this winter. I have been doing good GAL, but nothing helps my depression. I miss her so much. She told her family and my friends that she fell out of love with me because of the problems we had in our marriage. Not sure what problems those are. She admits however that I'm a good man and that those are hard to come by. She cried over me taking the washer and dryer, which is all I took. She accused me of taking everything though. She left me with the old SUV that I can't see to drive at night with while she took the newer SUV with high intensity headlights. I have an eye disease which prevents me from driving well at night. I have not contacted her since she moved from the house and only to see if my cats were adjusting. She won't let me see my cats of 16 and 9 years. She sent me an email on October 5th notifying me that ths divorce was final and that she had cut my health insurance, which I felt was an odd touch and go contact as I knew the divorce would be final and she knows I have my own health insurance already. Then around Thanksgiving, she contacts my sister in law and tells her she had a box of my childhood Christmas things to give back. She dropped off of box with my Christmas stocking and a paper Christmas tree angel I made in first grade. The rest of the box was full of random tree ornaments. Odd, right? More monstering I guess.
I have gone NC with her. And she has vanished other than the email and ornaments. I saw a therapist as I had contemplated taking my own life. It did not help. I hired a MLC life coach who has helped me move forward with my life. I can't believe I was so lucky as to marry someone who would go into a crisis. Her and I had such a solid marriage and positive relationship. The life coach told me I am a rare man that most women will never cross the path of in their life and that my xw will regret what she did. She thinks IF my xw comes out of the tunnel she will reconnect because of the emotional and spiritual connection we had. I guess I'm just here looking for advice, support, encouragement, and reinforcement.
Her crisis was swift and sudden. Never saw any signs of unhappiness. Pretty sure she burned right through the denial and anger stages in a short 4 months. Does this mean the crisis is more severe or less severe? I likely pushed her right into replay by making all the mistakes. We had her wedding ring resized in November 2018. She was so excited. I spilled the beans that day and told her I was going to buy her a new wedding ring for our 10 year anniversary. She was so excited we went to look at new rings that day. What I didn't tell her is I planned on surprising her with a trip to Vegas to re-propose to her and renew our vows. I never got the chance to. My divorce was final one month before our 10 year anniversary. She has now colored her hair, pierced her nose and is wearing slightly more makeup. She has also noticeably aged in the last 6 months. She just can't cease contact with my friend and his family and my sister in law as well. It's like she can't completely detach even though none of those people have any respect for her right now. I never saw a single sign of crisis until maybe February after she started her new career. And only after looking back. She stated she thought her new job had caused her to "crack." Oh, and she has clearly been rewriting our history. Any thoughts?
M: 45
XW:37
No kids
T: 20 Years
M:10 Years
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I am really sorry you are going through this right now.
I am mostly skeptical when someone thinks there S is in MLC but your W is definitely going through something.
What jumps out at me right away is that you got together when she was 17 and you were 25. My guess is she thinks she missed out on a lot of experiences in life.
Anyway I think you are handling it well going NC and I am sure you know that MLC is typically a 5-7 year crisis.
Oh geez space this sounds just awful. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. There are echoes of your sitch in mine particularly the lightning fast changes. Was she into astrology or glued to her phone reading fantasy or erotic stories? Sounds like her new work mates got into her ear too.
If you haven’t already done so read all you can here on the mlc thread.
Cheers ds
Hey Space. We are here for you buddy and reading diligently. Its going to take some time but you will grow and heal from this. Try to do your best not to take your sich personally. Will comment later on your sich.
My best friend, confidante and soulmate of 20 years suddenly went off the deep end this past year. She began a new career in February 2019. I found her the position and encouraged her to apply fkr it, as she was looking to advance in her career. She didn't want to apply for it as she said she wouldnt qualify, but I reminded her how smart and beautiful she was. My xw and I were together 20 years and were married just shy of 10 years. We were so close and loving. She was always so proud to have me as her husband. We never grew apart. We never fell out of love. We showed each other affection at all times. We were the envy of all of out friends. People used to come to us for advice. No infidelity. No abuse. Just two people who were 100% loyal and devoted to one another.
Six weeks after she started her new position, she turned 37 years old. Shortly thereafter, she became a little bit more quiet. I know she was stressed about her new job, as she would text me from work telling how demanding it was. I continued support her as we always have each other. She told me how much loved me and always appreciated me for talking her off the ledge. With her new position paying so well she encouraged me to apply for grad school. She told me I didn't have to work while attending school but I had still intended on doing so. On April 4th, she came home (which was the same day I had been accepted to grad school unconditionally) and asked me if I were depressed. I was like...uh no. I'm excited as can be. I asked her why she thought that and she said she thought I had been depressed for 5 months after a good friend of mine took his own life. I assured her that I had processed that grief and was fine. I asked her what was going on and she stated that she wanted more out of life now and wanted to experience more. I told her we should take a few days and go to Vegas. I knew the conversation was odd, but was still unsure what was going through her head. She then walked out of the bedroom and no longer wanted to talk. We always has great communication in our relationship. We conversed about things that would make most couples blush.
A week later she came home from work and asked me if I knew I was her #1. I said of course I do because you are my #1. I told her I loved her. She proceeded to tell me that I was now her #2 and she was her new #1. I was like wth? She then told me her new career took priority over our marriage. I told her that she clearly had her priorities wrong now even though she never had before. Another week passed and she informed me her friend wanted her to attend a male strip review. I told her that was fine by me. I had actually encouraged her to go to one 18 years ago when she felt too awkward to go. She enjoyed herself with her coworkers. Ya see....our relationship was based on trust. We were not jealous or possessive or controlling of one another. One reason we had such a strong marriage. However, I overheard her at Easter dinner recruiting her cousin and sister to go to the strip tease. When we got home I simply told her that if it was her who was pulling the entire thing together to just be honest with me as she had always been . For the first time in 20 years she screamed at me, "I'm not going to effing go then!" I reiterated that I didn't care if she went, but she cancelled the plans anyway.
Fast forward to the last week of April. Things got really bizarre. We were lying in bed and she looked at me while on her phone and asked me if I knew what poly meant. I'm a goofball with a good sense of humor so I replied, "polyurethane? polyethylene?" She said...no...its a relationship term. I then asked if she meant polyamory? She said yes and asked me if I knew what it was. I knew exactly what it was but I had her explain it to me anyway. I asked what made her bring up that topic and she said she had been reading an article. I was like...oh..okay. It really didn't bother me. About a minute later I jokingly asked her if she were into that kind of thing. She looked at me with a dead blank stare and said, "I guess as long as there are rules attached." I asked if she were serious and she screamed at me again. She stated that she couldn't talk to me about anything and knew I would freak out. Which isn't true. She knows she can talk to.me about anything but I was shocked to hear her say such a thing. Past the point of that conversation, she became verbally and emotionally abusive. She would come home from work, hug and kiss me and tell me about her day. But, within an hour she would scream at me to get tf out of her face or her bubble if I initiated any affection. She became addicted to social media. Of which she used to ride me for the same thing to the point I curbed my social media use. She stated she felt angry so I bought bought boxing gloves and sparring mitts and began teaching her how to box. She really enjoyed it but would revert back to the emotionally abusive behavior nearly every night before bed. She and I had already snuggled with one another at bedtime of bedtime of which she would just throw her leg over mine. I would tell her good night and that I loved her, and at times she would reply with the same thing but with a sigh and in a sarcastic tone.
On the night of May 10th 2019 we had our very first yelling match in 20 years. At this point I had no idea what I was doing with. Earlier in the day I sat her down and asked her what was going on. She began to tear up and told me she thought she was losing her mind, going crazy, and that she could be in some kind of crisis. I had no idea what that meant. The rest of the day, she proceeded to listen to headphones and play on social media thus ignoring me the entire day. When I gave her grief about it that night she said she had had thoughts that she didn't want to be with meanymore. I left town and drove 45 miles to friends house and stayed the night. Realizing I shouldn't have left and how much I loved her I drove back without sleep and returned at 6am the next morning. She was waiting for me at the door crying and said she loved me and wished she could take back what she said.
During these changes, she stopped eating healthy and was literally living on protein shakes and cheese sandwiches. She started wearing thongs even though she hates them. She bought a new wardrobe, although nothing revealing....just the same old style she always wore. She got a new tattoo to cover an old one. She began listening to edm and some other twisted dark music. I used to get up at 5am every morning to feed our cats, which were our kids because we never had any. I would make her lunch and breakfast. I took care of the yardwork, house cleaning and car maintenance. Things she alway appreciated about me. I had just spent 5 months doing a full remodel of our home with my own blood sweat and tears. I began getting suspicious about her changes and began snooping. Never found any sign of an EA or PA. She called me on every lunch break, texted me all day from work. Had photos of us in her office. Always spoke of me in high regard to her new boss. Came home at the same time everyday from work, etc. She would evwn show me affection at her new job when I came to get her for lunch. I could tell though that she would rather go to lunch with her friends on her days off than he with me which is out of character for her. She really was with her friends and was where she said she was going to be as the charges would appear on the bank a statement.
Her emotionally abusive behavior became worse through May and into June. I began to research MLC and found some basic info. Wish I had researched like I have been the rest of 2019. One night she came home from work and we were talking and I assured her I would never leave her side through her crisis as long as she remained true to me. I told her I loved her and would help her and we could bond through it. She agreed, told me she loved me, and hugged and kissed me. She said I had always been her rock. We went out to eat the next morning and I gave her a hug and kiss afterwards in front of the restaurant and thanked her for breakfast. She said...what is this? PDA? I wasn't sure what that meant. She explained...public display of affection in a nasty tone. I once showed her my weightlifting progress on my abs. Normally she would have said...good job baby. I'm so proud of you. This time she said...So, I don't give af! Her behavior had me standing on one leg
On June 13th, she came home and sat in my lap after work and told me about her day and hugged and kissed on me like she did for 20 years. Less than an hour later, I give her a kiss and she screams for me to get tf out of her bubble again. This time, I lost my cool and yelled at her. I hit a breaking point with the roller coaster ride. She jumped up and dropped the bomb. She told me ILYBINILWYA. She told me she didn't find me attractive or interesting. She told me she wanted our marriage to fail and that I had been trying too hard to save it because she didn't want it to work. She emotionally annihilated me that night. I left town to stay with my son out of state for 6 days to give her the time and space she had been desiring. I decided to return home and she walked out the night I came home and filed for divorce the very next day. She told me she had thoughts about wanting to be with another man or woman. She said she had nobody in mind but wanted anyone but me. I've never been so devastated in my life. This is NOT my wife!
She begged to keep the house that I had just remodeled but I promptly put in on the market and had it under contract in 4 days. She stayed with her friend. The same friend she confided in instead of me when her crisis began. Her friend is married with kids. My xw has no single friends. The house sold. We split the equity. I gave her all the furniture of which she sold to erase all memories of me...smh. I moved to another state 50 miles away where I lived when I met her. I have continued getting in better shape and lifting weights. I am close to my son and grandkids where I live. The xw blocked me and her own stepson off her social media of which she unblocked me after the house sold. Not sure why. I have gone rafting, raving, mountain biking, to concerts, hiking and am planning a trip to Vegas and Phoenix this winter. I have been doing good GAL, but nothing helps my depression. I miss her so much. She told her family and my friends that she fell out of love with me because of the problems we had in our marriage. Not sure what problems those are. She admits however that I'm a good man and that those are hard to come by. She cried over me taking the washer and dryer, which is all I took. She accused me of taking everything though. She left me with the old SUV that I can't see to drive at night with while she took the newer SUV with high intensity headlights. I have an eye disease which prevents me from driving well at night. I have not contacted her since she moved from the house and only to see if my cats were adjusting. She won't let me see my cats of 16 and 9 years. She sent me an email on October 5th notifying me that ths divorce was final and that she had cut my health insurance, which I felt was an odd touch and go contact as I knew the divorce would be final and she knows I have my own health insurance already. Then around Thanksgiving, she contacts my sister in law and tells her she had a box of my childhood Christmas things to give back. She dropped off of box with my Christmas stocking and a paper Christmas tree angel I made in first grade. The rest of the box was full of random tree ornaments. Odd, right? More monstering I guess.
I have gone NC with her. And she has vanished other than the email and ornaments. I saw a therapist as I had contemplated taking my own life. It did not help. I hired a MLC life coach who has helped me move forward with my life. I can't believe I was so lucky as to marry someone who would go into a crisis. Her and I had such a solid marriage and positive relationship. The life coach told me I am a rare man that most women will never cross the path of in their life and that my xw will regret what she did. She thinks IF my xw comes out of the tunnel she will reconnect because of the emotional and spiritual connection we had. I guess I'm just here looking for advice, support, encouragement, and reinforcement.
Her crisis was swift and sudden. Never saw any signs of unhappiness. Pretty sure she burned right through the denial and anger stages in a short 4 months. Does this mean the crisis is more severe or less severe? I likely pushed her right into replay by making all the mistakes. We had her wedding ring resized in November 2018. She was so excited. I spilled the beans that day and told her I was going to buy her a new wedding ring for our 10 year anniversary. She was so excited we went to look at new rings that day. What I didn't tell her is I planned on surprising her with a trip to Vegas to re-propose to her and renew our vows. I never got the chance to. My divorce was final one month before our 10 year anniversary. She has now colored her hair, pierced her nose and is wearing slightly more makeup. She has also noticeably aged in the last 6 months. She just can't cease contact with my friend and his family and my sister in law as well. It's like she can't completely detach even though none of those people have any respect for her right now. I never saw a single sign of crisis until maybe February after she started her new career. And only after looking back. She stated she thought her new job had caused her to "crack." Oh, and she has clearly been rewriting our history. Any thoughts?
M: 45
XW:37
No kids
T: 20 Years
M:10 Years
Sorry man, I know it is tough. When you think you know someone. My W went through a similar phase two years ago. Here is the thing, all of the markers of there being someone else are there. You mention her listening to strange music. My W suddenly was very heavy into country music. You mention her not caring about your abs. My W suddenly didn't care about my appearance at all. You mention her flipping from being loving and caring to be nasty and hostile. Mine did the exact same thing. The changes in appearance and eating habits. Mine too. The kicker was when she stopped undressing in front of me. Turns out that suddenly she had an interest in personal grooming, something she had become lax with as we had become so comfortable with one another.
Turns out she had an OM. A younger guy 1000 miles away in another state. He was a country music singer (see, the music change?). He was wooing her with tales of girl troubles, and drawing her in. She started getting more concerned about her appearance and grooming.....because it was progressing to the point of exchanging nude photos. Shortly after I confronted her, he told her his GF was moving to his area and that he was staying with her. I saw her depression from the break to her addiction. It was all my fault.
Likely she met someone at her new job. And while it likely went no where, it opened up the world of possibility to her. He was new. He was exciting. He probably only saw her as a friend, but she saw him as someone that she could move on with to an more exciting life.
And while you are probably dead on with your assessment of how wonder things were, remember, her perception is her reality. While you were loving and fulfilled, she got a place of boredom and being stuck in the same ol' samie ol'. Here is the thing, you can't control someone else. Or their thoughts, their feelings or their actions.
You mention the roller-coaster. That's exactly what she was on. One minute not wanting to lose what she had, where she had safety, comfort, and security. The next being excited for what was possible by giving all that up. Mine was on the same roller-coaster. You realize that you did things that that pushed her to move on her new found outlook. If you had backed off and given her time and space (which requires a tremendous amount of patience), then maybe you could have saved things. Maybe not. No one knows for sure.
This next part I say for newcomers here that are just going through their sitch: "This time, I lost my cool and yelled at her." This is what they are waiting for. The excuse to justify what they want to do. Imagine if you had calmly looked at her and said calmly: "We are husband and wife. We share a bubble. But even if you don't agree with that anymore, you have no right to scream at me." Then walk-away. By yelling at her the narrative to her turned into "he's mean and I am right in my thinking to end this." And then that became her new history, she rewrote it to be that you yelled at her, even if only one time in reality, to her she now could make the claim of marital problems, of temper issues, etc.
Here is the thing. You don't need her to be happy. This is the awakening we all go through in the process of DBing. Yes you miss her. Miss what you had. But that person you married is gone, maybe forever. What Space does from here on out is too find that inner-strength...that happiness that comes from within. Your life is full. You mention all of the GAL you've engaged in. That you have a son and grandchildren. Your life is full and rich. And it can be enjoyable if you realize that you happiness....your enjoyment in life comes from YOU! Not her. Not a future Mrs. Space. In fact, until you understand that (which sound like you didn't before) then you will never be successful in a new relationship....with her or someone new!
Space, you've got this. Suicide is not an answer. It is the weak part of your brain saying that life isn't worth living. Yet all the GAL, your son, his family all suggest the exact opposite. My grandfather killed himself. My dad has never recovered from it. And his suicide affects me, who wasn't even alive when it happened, and those around me even to this day. There is no justification to ever do that to others.
Hang in there, keep on keeping on. You've got this.
Space,
I am so very sorry that you are here and what has transpired over the last year. She is in crisis and I suspect that the crisis trigger was her new job. She is searching for what she thought she missed out on and it's going to take a long time for her to work through it.
Continue to work on you, focus on you and your family. There is always hope that she will eventually wake up and realize what she's done...but until then, continue to live your life to the fullest.
You may want to consider having your thread moved to the MLC Forum. Please visit the MLC Forum and read some of the threads there...many people are going through what you are at the moment and others have moved forward and have become success stories in their own way, i.e., with and without their spouses/partners.
Space, sometimes it can be hard to tell if a WAS is just done with the marriage because the love is gone or if they are in MLC. Your situation seems pretty cut-and-dried though, I don't think there's any question that based on what you are describing, she's in a deep MLC. The first thing you have to understand is that what she's going through is not your fault. You didn't break her and you can't fix her. The best you can do is stay out of the way while she's going through it.
Your situation sounds very similar to one a friend of mine found himself in. His previously loving wife suddenly said she didn't want to be married anymore. She was DONE. They sold the business they had together, sold their home and acreage and split all the proceeds. She moved in with another guy. They didn't even speak for 2 years, then she started pinging him and they started having coffee, then dating, then moved back in together. That was 4 or 5 years ago and they've been very happy ever since. You want to know what he did to get her back? Nothing. He just left her alone. He didn't do any of the things we usually recommend here (new clothes, get in shape, get out and GAL, etc.) He just kept living his life and left her to live hers.
The thing about MLC is that the WAS wants a target for all their anger and frustration and rage and whatever else they are feeling, and their spouse is a convenient target. So the best thing you can do is remove yourself as the target. And it sounds like you are doing that, so good, keep it up!
No it's not. Some people equate it to the old movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". She still looks like your W, but it's like her soul has been stripped out and an alien dropped into the shell. That's one of the reasons it's so confusing to the LBS, because she still looks the same. She may eventually return to her normal self, but it's going to take a long time. My XW didn't start acting like her old self until about 3 or 4 years after D. And she never has returned all the way back, I'd say she's about 50% of the person I married.
I moved to another state 50 miles away where I lived when I met her. I have continued getting in better shape and lifting weights. I am close to my son and grandkids where I live.
Good.
I have gone rafting, raving, mountain biking, to concerts, hiking and am planning a trip to Vegas and Phoenix this winter.
Fantastic!
I have been doing good GAL, but nothing helps my depression. I miss her so much.
Of course you do. It does get better with time though. If the suicidal thoughts continue then see your doc about temporarily getting on A/D's. It helped me a lot.
I can't believe I was so lucky as to marry someone who would go into a crisis. Her and I had such a solid marriage and positive relationship.
It's happened to a lot of us here. Great marriage with just a little bump here and there for decades, then BOOM a BD like a bolt out of the blue. I've talked to a lot of people who have been married longer than I was and almost all of them went through a similar crisis at some point. I think it's a lot more common than most people realize.
A little history on my xw - she was raised by two alcoholic parents. Her father was very emotionally and somewhat physically abusive. When her little sister was 17 years old she died in a car accident. XW was 21 at the time. I don't think my she properly grieved her death.
More info on her crisis - she actually told me she wanted me to hate her and wished she had just simply cheated on me to make me hate her. She told me she wanted me to find someone else who could love me like she couldn't anymore. She said she couldn't reciprocate love with me anymore. She said we were like roommates or friends that lived together. That is not true. We always were affectionate and she was very loving and clingy with me. She stated that I was like her father and we had to do everything my way. Once again not true. We always compromised and did what the other wanted to do. She told me she was done and didn't know why. She told me I could see my cats. Then she said I couldn't. Then she said I could only video chat with them. Wth? I stopped asking her about seeing them. Haven't sent them in almost 6 months. I honestly thought my ex had adult onset bipolar disorder but from what I understand, that and MLC are very similar. Another note.. .my xw also stopped taking birth control pills for the first ime since I've known her about 6-7 months before her crisis. Her menstrual cycle was way our of whack. Her aunt told me herself and xw's mother hit early menopause and had hysterectomies at 40 years old. Xw is nearly 38. Maybe some connection to hormonal imbance?
Thank you for all of the support! It's been a rough road for sure. We were always so close. We were the last couple this should have ever happened to. Odd how fast she jumped to D. I have completely left her alone. She lives alone and rented her own townhome. To the best of my knowledge she isn't dating anyone. My life coach says shes probably already missing me and the nightly back and foot rubs I gave her. Not sure how she thinks we had a bad marriage. No doubt she is having a MLC. She jumped straight into it. No warning signs until right after she started her new job. Everything was great and then BAM! Fastest replay stage I've ever read about. I really do want her back. I love her so I let her go. Just having one hell of a time detaching. If we had issues in our marriage I would have some closure. I would understand and be ready to move on. For now I'm standing. I've tried dating but the women I've met are either to pushy or just plain toxic. My wife was the sweetest most loving woman Ive ever met. Hence why I married her.
Keep working on yourself Space. Give time the time and be patient. Keep reading and posting.
Space, you are falling into the same trap I did........looking for a cause. The misunderstanding is that if we can find a cause, we can find a cure.
The problem is that these things aren't like cancer. Or diabetes. You can't just cut it out, heal and move forward. Or take medication to manage it. There is no magic bullet. The only thing you can do is what you have done. Give time and space. Adult onset bipolar. MLC. Hormonal imbalance. None of that matters because it and she are out of your control.
Continue focusing on you. GAL. 180ing to make any self-improvements you can make. Continue to work on detachment. She may get over whatever it is. She may not. But the important thing is that Space is moving forward and being the best he can be...with or without her.
A little history on my xw - she was raised by two alcoholic parents. Her father was very emotionally and somewhat physically abusive. When her little sister was 17 years old she died in a car accident. XW was 21 at the time. I don't think my she properly grieved her death.
More info on her crisis - she actually told me she wanted me to hate her and wished she had just simply cheated on me to make me hate her. She told me she wanted me to find someone else who could love me like she couldn't anymore. She said she couldn't reciprocate love with me anymore. She said we were like roommates or friends that lived together. That is not true. We always were affectionate and she was very loving and clingy with me. She stated that I was like her father and we had to do everything my way. Once again not true. We always compromised and did what the other wanted to do. She told me she was done and didn't know why. She told me I could see my cats. Then she said I couldn't. Then she said I could only video chat with them. Wth? I stopped asking her about seeing them. Haven't sent them in almost 6 months. I honestly thought my ex had adult onset bipolar disorder but from what I understand, that and MLC are very similar. Another note.. .my xw also stopped taking birth control pills for the first ime since I've known her about 6-7 months before her crisis. Her menstrual cycle was way our of whack. Her aunt told me herself and xw's mother hit early menopause and had hysterectomies at 40 years old. Xw is nearly 38. Maybe some connection to hormonal imbance?
Not that it matters at this point. But her stopping taking the birth control does play a role in it hormonally Typically from what I've read of studies from multiple sources that when a woman stops taking oral contraceptives. Attraction can be greatly affected. When they are on the pill their behaviors lean more torwards the provider type, and off the pill more torwards the alpha type.
Hey Space -
Wow, your situation sounds very similar to mine. In particular the change of music, complete personality reversal, and repeated sudden anger outbursts. Also the clothes, tattoo, and change in diet. In my case, W completely switched over a two week time frame.
The only thing I did that could have changed my situation is find this site, one day before I was BD. WAW was running out the door with S and D talk constantly.
I suspect there was at least an IA and possibly an EA in my case, but I really don't know because I left her alone, stopped snooping, and stopped talking to her unless she initiated. I was out of the house from dawn to dusk, and when I talked to her it was simple and direct. No initiated conversations. No initiated texts. No relationship talks.
It took many many months, but she finally calmed down and paused the S and D talk after 6-8 months of DBing (17 months total of the situation so far), and I still have no idea if Recon is even possible.
Buckle in - this thing is a marathon.
My recommendation - GAL so much you are exhausted everyday. If you start thinking of your situation, getbusy doing something physical. Go run, go hiking, play golf, go fishing, go to the movies, go to the gym, go for a drive, take a trip just go anywhere doesn't matter where. It helps.
If you aren't in IC, I would strongly recommend that too. I think it saved my life.
Sorry you are here but you will find some very knowledgeable people here. Every situation is different - they have a saying here that goes something like this: Stop doing what doesn't work. Start doing what does work.
Stay strong
Space,
You didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her. May of us on the Board are fixers and we want to fix our partners/spouses and we can't. If she is in MLC, she was emotionally stunted as a young child. That means, someone in authority didn't validate or make her feel as important as others. Someone, most likely a parent, didn't listen to, treat her as she should have been or their home life wasn't the best. In some cases, they are verbally, emotionally and physically abused. It takes many years for all of this hurt to bubble up to the surface and then one day, the switch is flipped and a severe crisis happens. If we aren't allowed to grow and learn during the teens, early 20's, 30's, etc., we can reach the severe crisis state. Yes, we do have quarter life crisis, but that usually appears, in the 20's/30's timeframe.
Your wife didn't just go into crisis. 18-24 months prior to the BD happening, something triggered bubbling up of hurt/disappointment within her. Now, she's experiencing the full blown crisis. You will begin to see that the woman you love has turned into the mirror image of that person, i.e., the exact opposite. She will do things that she would not have done pre-crisis. She will be operating on pure emotions and, of course confusion comes into play and with a MLC, depression is the main ingredient.
What can you do? Listen, validate and if she's complaining about something just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Do not argue w/her because that will give her the validation she needs to push forward and say, that's why I want a divorce. They will even vilify the spouse to justify why they are doing what they are doing. The more people attempt to talk some sense into her, the more she's going to pull back and away from them.
The best thing you can do is GAL. That list you have in a drawer of the things that you want or need to do...get started on them. Now is the time for you to focus on you and what you want to do w/your life while she's on the Mother Ship. If something isn't working, then try something else. Remember...this is her journey and you weren't invited on it. Your journey will be a totally different one because you will be meeting everything head on and not self medicating. You will come out the other side, wiser and more self confident while she is still figuring things out.
MLC is not a sprint...but a marathon. Are you up for the challenge?
I've read the same studies. Funny thing is, I am the alpha type. I am also loving and dedicated. She had the best of both worlds. Throughout the first 10 years of our relationship, I was the bad boy type. I made major changes to become a sensitive, loving man. I earned a college degree and simply became a better person over the years. I did that for me, for her, and for us.
I have never contemplated suicide. I do however come from a family in which 4 of my family members have taken their own life. I know first hand, the devastation. I have also never suffered from depression. Never knew what it felt like until her crisis began full force last April. I did better for some time and then the depression stage of my grief recovery started about 6 weeks ago. Things have been tough. Not only did I lose my loving wife who planned on spending the rest if her life with me, I also lost my newly remodeled home, my RV, my pets, and everything I've ever worked hard for. I think a combination of all of those things had made me feel depressed. Never thought I would be rebuilding my life or being a renter again at 45 years old. It's hard to swallow.
Her internet time was mostly just social media addiction. No funny business. Just constantly on social media. Of which she is still addicted to it from what I can tell. She was into horoscopes and read hers daily. She did like pages on Instagram that had muscle bound tattooed men. That wasn't anything concerning to me though. She had always liked those pages on FB. Once again, I'm not the jealous type and neither was she.
More info on her crisis - she actually told me she wanted me to hate her and wished she had just simply cheated on me to make me hate her. She told me she wanted me to find someone else who could love me like she couldn't anymore. She said she couldn't reciprocate love with me anymore. She said we were like roommates or friends that lived together.
This is all pretty typical script from a WAS. I heard all those exact same things from my XW. Pretty much word-for-word.
But it is to her. We call it "rewriting of history" and nearly all WAS's engage in it. Don't try to convince her otherwise because right now she's in a fog and her version of history is the "right" one to her. Eventually she'll emerge from the fog and remember things more accurately, but it's probably going to be years before it happens.
She told me she was done and didn't know why.
Early on before I found DB'ing I kept asking my XW to explain things and help me understand. We also went to MC and the counselor asked her the same. She kept repeating over and over again "I don't know why, I just don't want to try anymore." Like Steve said, you've got to let go of the need to know why because there is no answer to "why". She doesn't even know why. Believe me I know how strong the urge is to understand this, but you'll just be spinning your wheels on it when you should be focusing your effort elsewhere.
Her aunt told me herself and xw's mother hit early menopause and had hysterectomies at 40 years old. Xw is nearly 38. Maybe some connection to hormonal imbance?
It could be. My XW had a partial hysterectomy a few months before BD, she was warned it might trigger menopause and indeed it did. That's when everything changed. But again, there's not enough data in each of our cases and in the world at large to know if this is the reason for their sudden change in attitude, and even if it is there may be no way to treat it. Hopefully some day the medical community will understand menopause and MLC better and the long-term effects of A/D's and BC and how it all impacts that. But until that happens we've got DB'ing to help us through and that's about all we can do!
...I am the alpha type...I was the bad boy type. I made major changes to become a sensitive, loving man....
Welcome to the club.
Use this opportunity to reflect back and see what was attractive behavior during your bad boy days. Giving that up for the marriage was not good for me and most likely not good for you. Do some research into attraction and seduction. Understand the difference. Get your mojo back.
...I am the alpha type...I was the bad boy type. I made major changes to become a sensitive, loving man....
Welcome to the club.
Use this opportunity to reflect back and see what was attractive behavior during your bad boy days. Giving that up for the marriage was not good for me and most likely not good for you. Do some research into attraction and seduction. Understand the difference. Get your mojo back.
I completely understand the attraction part. However, my wife loved the changes I made within myself. In my past relationships I wasn't always a loyal man. I was also very aggressive, of which I still can be. Losing that part of myself has made my grief recovery much harder though. Had I not made the changes I did, I may have ended up prison. I had a bad temper. I'm trying to find the right balance of remaining an alpha male without losing the good person I discovered over the years. From what I understand through my research, women want a bad boy in their teens and twenties and a stable loving man in their 30s and 40s. But, it seems when a woman goes into crisis they want the bad boy type to make them feel young again
My best friend, confidante and soulmate of 20 years suddenly went off the deep end this past year. She began a new career in February 2019. I found her the position and encouraged her to apply fkr it, as she was looking to advance in her career. She didn't want to apply for it as she said she wouldnt qualify, but I reminded her how smart and beautiful she was. My xw and I were together 20 years and were married just shy of 10 years. We were so close and loving. She was always so proud to have me as her husband. We never grew apart. We never fell out of love. We showed each other affection at all times. We were the envy of all of out friends. People used to come to us for advice. No infidelity. No abuse. Just two people who were 100% loyal and devoted to one another.
Six weeks after she started her new position, she turned 37 years old. Shortly thereafter, she became a little bit more quiet. I know she was stressed about her new job, as she would text me from work telling how demanding it was. I continued support her as we always have each other. She told me how much loved me and always appreciated me for talking her off the ledge. With her new position paying so well she encouraged me to apply for grad school. She told me I didn't have to work while attending school but I had still intended on doing so. On April 4th, she came home (which was the same day I had been accepted to grad school unconditionally) and asked me if I were depressed. I was like...uh no. I'm excited as can be. I asked her why she thought that and she said she thought I had been depressed for 5 months after a good friend of mine took his own life. I assured her that I had processed that grief and was fine. I asked her what was going on and she stated that she wanted more out of life now and wanted to experience more. I told her we should take a few days and go to Vegas. I knew the conversation was odd, but was still unsure what was going through her head. She then walked out of the bedroom and no longer wanted to talk. We always has great communication in our relationship. We conversed about things that would make most couples blush.
A week later she came home from work and asked me if I knew I was her #1. I said of course I do because you are my #1. I told her I loved her. She proceeded to tell me that I was now her #2 and she was her new #1. I was like wth? She then told me her new career took priority over our marriage. I told her that she clearly had her priorities wrong now even though she never had before. Another week passed and she informed me her friend wanted her to attend a male strip review. I told her that was fine by me. I had actually encouraged her to go to one 18 years ago when she felt too awkward to go. She enjoyed herself with her coworkers. Ya see....our relationship was based on trust. We were not jealous or possessive or controlling of one another. One reason we had such a strong marriage. However, I overheard her at Easter dinner recruiting her cousin and sister to go to the strip tease. When we got home I simply told her that if it was her who was pulling the entire thing together to just be honest with me as she had always been . For the first time in 20 years she screamed at me, "I'm not going to effing go then!" I reiterated that I didn't care if she went, but she cancelled the plans anyway.
Fast forward to the last week of April. Things got really bizarre. We were lying in bed and she looked at me while on her phone and asked me if I knew what poly meant. I'm a goofball with a good sense of humor so I replied, "polyurethane? polyethylene?" She said...no...its a relationship term. I then asked if she meant polyamory? She said yes and asked me if I knew what it was. I knew exactly what it was but I had her explain it to me anyway. I asked what made her bring up that topic and she said she had been reading an article. I was like...oh..okay. It really didn't bother me. About a minute later I jokingly asked her if she were into that kind of thing. She looked at me with a dead blank stare and said, "I guess as long as there are rules attached." I asked if she were serious and she screamed at me again. She stated that she couldn't talk to me about anything and knew I would freak out. Which isn't true. She knows she can talk to.me about anything but I was shocked to hear her say such a thing. Past the point of that conversation, she became verbally and emotionally abusive. She would come home from work, hug and kiss me and tell me about her day. But, within an hour she would scream at me to get tf out of her face or her bubble if I initiated any affection. She became addicted to social media. Of which she used to ride me for the same thing to the point I curbed my social media use. She stated she felt angry so I bought bought boxing gloves and sparring mitts and began teaching her how to box. She really enjoyed it but would revert back to the emotionally abusive behavior nearly every night before bed. She and I had already snuggled with one another at bedtime of bedtime of which she would just throw her leg over mine. I would tell her good night and that I loved her, and at times she would reply with the same thing but with a sigh and in a sarcastic tone.
On the night of May 10th 2019 we had our very first yelling match in 20 years. At this point I had no idea what I was doing with. Earlier in the day I sat her down and asked her what was going on. She began to tear up and told me she thought she was losing her mind, going crazy, and that she could be in some kind of crisis. I had no idea what that meant. The rest of the day, she proceeded to listen to headphones and play on social media thus ignoring me the entire day. When I gave her grief about it that night she said she had had thoughts that she didn't want to be with meanymore. I left town and drove 45 miles to friends house and stayed the night. Realizing I shouldn't have left and how much I loved her I drove back without sleep and returned at 6am the next morning. She was waiting for me at the door crying and said she loved me and wished she could take back what she said.
During these changes, she stopped eating healthy and was literally living on protein shakes and cheese sandwiches. She started wearing thongs even though she hates them. She bought a new wardrobe, although nothing revealing....just the same old style she always wore. She got a new tattoo to cover an old one. She began listening to edm and some other twisted dark music. I used to get up at 5am every morning to feed our cats, which were our kids because we never had any. I would make her lunch and breakfast. I took care of the yardwork, house cleaning and car maintenance. Things she alway appreciated about me. I had just spent 5 months doing a full remodel of our home with my own blood sweat and tears. I began getting suspicious about her changes and began snooping. Never found any sign of an EA or PA. She called me on every lunch break, texted me all day from work. Had photos of us in her office. Always spoke of me in high regard to her new boss. Came home at the same time everyday from work, etc. She would evwn show me affection at her new job when I came to get her for lunch. I could tell though that she would rather go to lunch with her friends on her days off than he with me which is out of character for her. She really was with her friends and was where she said she was going to be as the charges would appear on the bank a statement.
Her emotionally abusive behavior became worse through May and into June. I began to research MLC and found some basic info. Wish I had researched like I have been the rest of 2019. One night she came home from work and we were talking and I assured her I would never leave her side through her crisis as long as she remained true to me. I told her I loved her and would help her and we could bond through it. She agreed, told me she loved me, and hugged and kissed me. She said I had always been her rock. We went out to eat the next morning and I gave her a hug and kiss afterwards in front of the restaurant and thanked her for breakfast. She said...what is this? PDA? I wasn't sure what that meant. She explained...public display of affection in a nasty tone. I once showed her my weightlifting progress on my abs. Normally she would have said...good job baby. I'm so proud of you. This time she said...So, I don't give af! Her behavior had me standing on one leg
On June 13th, she came home and sat in my lap after work and told me about her day and hugged and kissed on me like she did for 20 years. Less than an hour later, I give her a kiss and she screams for me to get tf out of her bubble again. This time, I lost my cool and yelled at her. I hit a breaking point with the roller coaster ride. She jumped up and dropped the bomb. She told me ILYBINILWYA. She told me she didn't find me attractive or interesting. She told me she wanted our marriage to fail and that I had been trying too hard to save it because she didn't want it to work. She emotionally annihilated me that night. I left town to stay with my son out of state for 6 days to give her the time and space she had been desiring. I decided to return home and she walked out the night I came home and filed for divorce the very next day. She told me she had thoughts about wanting to be with another man or woman. She said she had nobody in mind but wanted anyone but me. I've never been so devastated in my life. This is NOT my wife!
She begged to keep the house that I had just remodeled but I promptly put in on the market and had it under contract in 4 days. She stayed with her friend. The same friend she confided in instead of me when her crisis began. Her friend is married with kids. My xw has no single friends. The house sold. We split the equity. I gave her all the furniture of which she sold to erase all memories of me...smh. I moved to another state 50 miles away where I lived when I met her. I have continued getting in better shape and lifting weights. I am close to my son and grandkids where I live. The xw blocked me and her own stepson off her social media of which she unblocked me after the house sold. Not sure why. I have gone rafting, raving, mountain biking, to concerts, hiking and am planning a trip to Vegas and Phoenix this winter. I have been doing good GAL, but nothing helps my depression. I miss her so much. She told her family and my friends that she fell out of love with me because of the problems we had in our marriage. Not sure what problems those are. She admits however that I'm a good man and that those are hard to come by. She cried over me taking the washer and dryer, which is all I took. She accused me of taking everything though. She left me with the old SUV that I can't see to drive at night with while she took the newer SUV with high intensity headlights. I have an eye disease which prevents me from driving well at night. I have not contacted her since she moved from the house and only to see if my cats were adjusting. She won't let me see my cats of 16 and 9 years. She sent me an email on October 5th notifying me that ths divorce was final and that she had cut my health insurance, which I felt was an odd touch and go contact as I knew the divorce would be final and she knows I have my own health insurance already. Then around Thanksgiving, she contacts my sister in law and tells her she had a box of my childhood Christmas things to give back. She dropped off of box with my Christmas stocking and a paper Christmas tree angel I made in first grade. The rest of the box was full of random tree ornaments. Odd, right? More monstering I guess.
I have gone NC with her. And she has vanished other than the email and ornaments. I saw a therapist as I had contemplated taking my own life. It did not help. I hired a MLC life coach who has helped me move forward with my life. I can't believe I was so lucky as to marry someone who would go into a crisis. Her and I had such a solid marriage and positive relationship. The life coach told me I am a rare man that most women will never cross the path of in their life and that my xw will regret what she did. She thinks IF my xw comes out of the tunnel she will reconnect because of the emotional and spiritual connection we had. I guess I'm just here looking for advice, support, encouragement, and reinforcement.
Her crisis was swift and sudden. Never saw any signs of unhappiness. Pretty sure she burned right through the denial and anger stages in a short 4 months. Does this mean the crisis is more severe or less severe? I likely pushed her right into replay by making all the mistakes. We had her wedding ring resized in November 2018. She was so excited. I spilled the beans that day and told her I was going to buy her a new wedding ring for our 10 year anniversary. She was so excited we went to look at new rings that day. What I didn't tell her is I planned on surprising her with a trip to Vegas to re-propose to her and renew our vows. I never got the chance to. My divorce was final one month before our 10 year anniversary. She has now colored her hair, pierced her nose and is wearing slightly more makeup. She has also noticeably aged in the last 6 months. She just can't cease contact with my friend and his family and my sister in law as well. It's like she can't completely detach even though none of those people have any respect for her right now. I never saw a single sign of crisis until maybe February after she started her new career. And only after looking back. She stated she thought her new job had caused her to "crack." Oh, and she has clearly been rewriting our history. Any thoughts?
M: 45
XW:37
No kids
T: 20 Years
M:10 Years
Sorry man, I know it is tough. When you think you know someone. My W went through a similar phase two years ago. Here is the thing, all of the markers of there being someone else are there. You mention her listening to strange music. My W suddenly was very heavy into country music. You mention her not caring about your abs. My W suddenly didn't care about my appearance at all. You mention her flipping from being loving and caring to be nasty and hostile. Mine did the exact same thing. The changes in appearance and eating habits. Mine too. The kicker was when she stopped undressing in front of me. Turns out that suddenly she had an interest in personal grooming, something she had become lax with as we had become so comfortable with one another.
Turns out she had an OM. A younger guy 1000 miles away in another state. He was a country music singer (see, the music change?). He was wooing her with tales of girl troubles, and drawing her in. She started getting more concerned about her appearance and grooming.....because it was progressing to the point of exchanging nude photos. Shortly after I confronted her, he told her his GF was moving to his area and that he was staying with her. I saw her depression from the break to her addiction. It was all my fault.
Likely she met someone at her new job. And while it likely went no where, it opened up the world of possibility to her. He was new. He was exciting. He probably only saw her as a friend, but she saw him as someone that she could move on with to an more exciting life.
And while you are probably dead on with your assessment of how wonder things were, remember, her perception is her reality. While you were loving and fulfilled, she got a place of boredom and being stuck in the same ol' samie ol'. Here is the thing, you can't control someone else. Or their thoughts, their feelings or their actions.
You mention the roller-coaster. That's exactly what she was on. One minute not wanting to lose what she had, where she had safety, comfort, and security. The next being excited for what was possible by giving all that up. Mine was on the same roller-coaster. You realize that you did things that that pushed her to move on her new found outlook. If you had backed off and given her time and space (which requires a tremendous amount of patience), then maybe you could have saved things. Maybe not. No one knows for sure.
This next part I say for newcomers here that are just going through their sitch: "This time, I lost my cool and yelled at her." This is what they are waiting for. The excuse to justify what they want to do. Imagine if you had calmly looked at her and said calmly: "We are husband and wife. We share a bubble. But even if you don't agree with that anymore, you have no right to scream at me." Then walk-away. By yelling at her the narrative to her turned into "he's mean and I am right in my thinking to end this." And then that became her new history, she rewrote it to be that you yelled at her, even if only one time in reality, to her she now could make the claim of marital problems, of temper issues, etc.
Here is the thing. You don't need her to be happy. This is the awakening we all go through in the process of DBing. Yes you miss her. Miss what you had. But that person you married is gone, maybe forever. What Space does from here on out is too find that inner-strength...that happiness that comes from within. Your life is full. You mention all of the GAL you've engaged in. That you have a son and grandchildren. Your life is full and rich. And it can be enjoyable if you realize that you happiness....your enjoyment in life comes from YOU! Not her. Not a future Mrs. Space. In fact, until you understand that (which sound like you didn't before) then you will never be successful in a new relationship....with her or someone new!
Space, you've got this. Suicide is not an answer. It is the weak part of your brain saying that life isn't worth living. Yet all the GAL, your son, his family all suggest the exact opposite. My grandfather killed himself. My dad has never recovered from it. And his suicide affects me, who wasn't even alive when it happened, and those around me even to this day. There is no justification to ever do that to others.
Hang in there, keep on keeping on. You've got this.
Oddly, my wife never stopped getting undressed in front of me. And I never stopped calling her sexy and was always trying to get a look and a feel. She also ramped up the sex in the last 6 weeks before the BD. I found this odd. Perhaps she did have an EA, but I'm 100% positive she didn't have a PA. If she did have a EA, it happened quick, which usually isn't the case with an EA. They can take months or even years to develop. And if she did haven EA, that is WAY out of character for my wife. I was always her king and the center of her world. She never hid that fact from me or anyone else. The hard part is never seeing this coming or having time to plan for being sent on a path in life I never intended to be on. She never stopped buying me small gifts of appreciation. She even helped with the home remodel and teared up when I finished calling it our forever home. The paint wasnt even dry when she threw it all away. I appreciate the support and advice I'm getting here. It helps me to know that others have experienced the same sudden change in their once loving, loyal wives. I just hope that someday she realizes how good of man and marriage that she threw away. I pray for her to find peace and to face her demons. I have faith she is strong enough to overcome this and reconnect with me. I just hope I haven't moved on by then. I have numerous women that are interested in me, but I've been avoiding a relationship with all of them. I will continue to date, but have made it clear to these women that they should have no expectations of a long term relationship. I don't want to hurt another soul if my xw comes back to me someday.
So, after 3 1/2 months of my xw not contacting me, I received an email from her. She sent me a screenshot of the 2019 interest statement for the house we sold. She also sent me pics of our cats and told me they are doing well. I believe this email was a form of touch and go contact, as she knows I don't need the interest statement since we don't itemize our taxes. Also, a screenshot wouldn't work for tax purposes anyway. She is smarter than that. And, why send me pics of my cats that she won't let me come and see? She opened a fresh wound as I'm trying my damnedest to detach. It's like she is looking for any excuse to contact me. Anyway, I am in Phoenix right now enjoying myself on my path to recovery. This GAL thing is expensive and yet enlightening. I've noticed my xw is up all hours of the night during the work week liking my friend's posts on FB. I'm positive she's not sleeping well. I must admit, I honestly hope that her odd touch and go contacts are an early form of reconnection. We're going on 8 months since bomb drop so I know she is far from being out of the tunnel and is still in replay, but I don't think her life is as exciting as she thought it would be. I'm also fairly certain she is a low energy replayer for what it's worth. Anyway, just thought I would give an update on my sitch. I will keep this thread updated as things progress.
Tracking her activity on Facebook? Mind reading why she sent you an email? Space, how is that working on detachment.
Do yourself a favor. Delete your FB account. You will find it is much easier to move on without seeing her activity.
Please tell me you didn't respond to the email.
Please don't take this personal, but the less about the spouse and more about you is the goal. You have made it to the otherside when your updates have all green and no red.
So, after 3 1/2 months of my xw not contacting me, I received an email from her. She sent me a screenshot of the 2019 interest statement for the house we sold. She also sent me pics of our cats and told me they are doing well. I believe this email was a form of touch and go contact, as she knows I don't need the interest statement since we don't itemize our taxes. Also, a screenshot wouldn't work for tax purposes anyway. She is smarter than that. And, why send me pics of my cats that she won't let me come and see? She opened a fresh wound as I'm trying my damnedest to detach. It's like she is looking for any excuse to contact me. Anyway, I am in Phoenix right now enjoying myself on my path to recovery. This GAL thing is expensive and yet enlightening. I've noticed my xw is up all hours of the night during the work week liking my friend's posts on FB. I'm positive she's not sleeping well. I must admit, I honestly hope that her odd touch and go contacts are an early form of reconnection. We're going on 8 months since bomb drop so I know she is far from being out of the tunnel and is still in replay, but I don't think her life is as exciting as she thought it would be. I'm also fairly certain she is a low energy replayer for what it's worth. Anyway, just thought I would give an update on my sitch. I will keep this thread updated as things progress.
Steve85,
Not tracking her activity at all. It's obvious who likes the posts of mutual friends. One can't help but notice. I'm not sure how I am attempting to mind read by wondering why she continues to contact me over pointless things. I am not trying to be psychic...I'm just baffled. Also, I refuse to delete my FB account. That would be giving her some form of control over my personal life. Lastly, I hired a life coach who has taught me numerous ways to live my life and how to respond to her touch and goes. I did reply to the email with a short response. No small talk. No questions. I simply replied, "Don't need the tax statement. Glad the cats are doing well. Thanks." If one is not standing, then it would be wise not to respond. If you are leaving the door cracked and the light on, a short response is warranted. Just things I have learned through my DBing and from my MLC life coach.
Ready2Change,
Nothing personal taken. I completely understand what you're saying. However, I'm far from making it to the other side. I'm still trying to find my way there. I'm still very early into this journey. I am working on healing and GAL. If I were 2-3 years into this and everything I was writing was in red, that would be a real problem. lol. Honestly, I was doing well as of.late detaching but this latest contact opened up a fresh wound.
Steve85,
Not tracking her activity at all. It's obvious who likes the posts of mutual friends. One can't help but notice. I'm not sure how I am attempting to mind read by wondering why she continues to contact me over pointless things. I am not trying to be psychic...I'm just baffled. Also, I refuse to delete my FB account. That would be giving her some form of control over my personal life. Lastly, I hired a life coach who has taught me numerous ways to live my life and how to respond to her touch and goes. I did reply to the email with a short response. No small talk. No questions. I simply replied, "Don't need the tax statement. Glad the cats are doing well. Thanks." If one is not standing, then it would be wise not to respond. If you are leaving the door cracked and the light on, a short response is warranted. Just things I have learned through my DBing and from my MLC life coach.
Hmm. Ok. Good luck with that.
Steve85
I didn't respond immediately. I waited a couple of days. I was told that complete NC was not a good idea, unless you are not standing. I am standing, but intend to live my life in the meantime. If things go a different direction for me...well then...I will be done. At that point I will utilize 100% no contact. Have you been I instructed to have zero contact with your xw? I've heard that is the worst thing you can do if you're wanting to reconnect. I really don't know what's best. That's why I'm asking.
Steve85
I didn't respond immediately. I waited a couple of days. I was told that complete NC was not a good idea, unless you are not standing. I am standing, but intend to live my life in the meantime. If things go a different direction for me...well then...I will be done. At that point I will utilize 100% no contact. Have you been I instructed to have zero contact with your xw? I've heard that is the worst thing you can do if you're wanting to reconnect. I really don't know what's best. That's why I'm asking.
What I can tell you is that your life coach is not a DB coach. And I'd be careful listening to someone you are paying. Likely your life coach tells you things you want to hear for fear of losing a paying customer. I on the other hand have nothing to lose, so will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.
And your situation is a prime candidate for the LRT, and going dark. The best way to reconnect is to close that door completely. If she ever wants to come back she will open the door herself.
Also you say you deleting your FB account would be her having control over you. Sorry, but you seeing her liking things and noting the time she was on has control over you. Be honest, you like the fact you can see that. You look for it. Yet deleting your account would be the wrong thing to do? No. Deleting your account would free you from the prison you have yourself in.
And finally, why did the email require a response? She didn't ask you anything. A couple of pictures. Some crumbs thrown your way. Imagine the message not acknowledging it would send. Think of the mystery and intrigue it would induce. "Did he get the email? Why didn't he comment on the cats? Did he move on? Is he with someone new?" Ah yes, that would flip the script on her. The next email might actually have some substance to it. And the one after that would probably come right out and ask you if you were seeing anyone. But no, you're right, responding is the best way to show her...... That you're still attached and plan B.
Sorry for the sarcasm. But your previous post was so full of false bravado and assurety. Where did DBing tell you a response to her email was the right approach?
Steve85
That's why I asked you. When we are in this situation, everyone has such great advice. None of which seems to have any effect on our sitch. You are correct. Her email didn't require a response at all. At this juncture, I'm not sure what I should do anymore. I get differing advice at every turn. As far as deleting my FB, I would much rather block my xw. FB is the way I connect with my extended family. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I think sometimes we have distorted perceptions, especially when we are early into into our journey. Once again, thank you for your advice.
I'm not sure what I should do anymore. I get differing advice at every turn.
All the differing advise does make the decision process a little tougher. The key is to evaluate all your options. Make a plan. Execute your plan. Live with the consequences of that decision. Down the road, if you don't like where you are headed, you can re-evaluate and come up with a different plan.
This is my advise:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2870386&page=allThis is a place to start:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094
Steve85
I think sometimes we have distorted perceptions, especially when we are early into into our journey.
I agree absolutely.
One of the excellent things about this forum is it allows you to come here with ongoing issues and seek guidance before you take action. I would recommend actively seeking advice here before you plan to do anything if you are concerned.
Even something as seemingly minor as that email your XW sent and you responded to. I think its better to come and get advice beforehand, than to come after and say this is what happened and this is what I did, especially when things are early and you're getting the hang of DB.
Good luck mate!
Cheers DS
Space,
I don't think that your response was bad other then it sort of contradicts what you said. By responding to the what you call "touch and go" contact you are inviting more of them and it seems to have set you back in the recovery process.
IMO you are years away from any true of true reconciliation. Judging by your personality type you will have moved on way before this happens.
Space Im in a similar boat with the whole contact/no contact thing. I think a lot of us are, because despite the erosion of trust and breakdown of communications, we want to still keep giving small chances to see if our humor, our GAL, our healing, and our demeanor starts to evoke just a little vulnerability in the other person. It kind of feels like a game of give and take where at moments its very business like, and other moments where the X will ask inquisitive questions about you, about your family, about what is going on in your current life, where they offer nothing about there's and their changes, but want to know what's going on with you. You have to gauge it on the fly every single time. They offer nothing. You give them nothing. They offer you a little something you give them a little something. Its going to go back and forth and feel like a game after months and months of not communicating, only communicating on child or business related stuff, them opening up a little, then retreating and you doing the same. I would think there is nothing attractive about being guarded on both parties, but if they pull away, you should pull away harder, if they cone a little closer then you do the same. I don't know how affective all this is in the long run, but on one hand you want to show your best self that is moving forward, doing good, focused, and on center. On the other hand. They're business is none of yours and vice versa. The person that used to miss us is no longer attracted to us in that sense. Essentially you don't need to be married, you don't need a relationship, you don't need another person to do the things you want to do or to be happy, you don't need another person in your life to have a good one. You just need... Well? You....The fact that our SO has gone through great lengths and measure to somewhat remove us, but yet still keep us in their lives goes to show ITS ALL ABOYT THEM, THEIR PERCEPTIONS, THEIR FEELINGS, THEIR WANTS AND NEEDS, THEIR DESIRES, AND THEIR LIVES. Its short sighted. They are most likely thinking 5 years out at best, and willing to take a chance based off of their current experiences, feelings, plans, and fantasies. Doesn't matter if its another lover, traveling like it was Eat Love Pray, a few wellness and yoga classes, or whatever else they GAL with or seek. They are willing to take a chance for a new life without us. There is absolutely nothing we can do to control, act, or manipulate the situation, but be patient, focus on ourselves, regroup, and rebuild. Even I myself in the midst of all this have been asking myself as of lately. "Where do I want to go without XW? What do I want to see? How do I want my life to look? Is there more freedom, choice, and experience and potential that life has to offer with or without them? Will my imagined experiences be similar to reality when I experience them?" Some of these situations work out for the better because people realize how much the other is improving, and realise the loss. Some don't and take a gamble with starting over. We marry on promises based on potential, and we also divorce based on that potential as well. A lot of people aren't patient enough to wait it out for 3 to 5 years. Feelings changes, trust changes, habits change, people change. There is nothing you can do, say, or think to sway another person to stay or recommit. The heart wants what it wants, when it wants it. Doesn't always make it right or sound. Just human nature I guess. But the best thing you can do is position yourself to take daily action to improving yourself. Just keep in mind. Stand up for your self your morals and principles. Command respect. Be pleasant, and don't do anything to further worsen the situation. If something whether it be an email, text message, phone call, doesn't require a response. Let it go. Keep interactions to a minimum. Keep responses to a minimum. If someone wants out. Let them go. They have to return on their own volition, and we have no control over that. That is why the losses that they get, they must feel over 2-5 years. Because the grass could be greener to them once they experience it. Or? It may not be. They might come running back with bread crumbs to bait us. You might be done by then? Their loss, your gain. You re gain of peace, improvement, travel, growth, comfort, independence, etc. A lot of people aren't willing to tolerate the good the bad and the ugly in M, most just want the good. In their world everything is supposed to be on the up and up. That is why they walk. So let them live it and find out for themselves.
Steve85
That's why I asked you. When we are in this situation, everyone has such great advice. None of which seems to have any effect on our sitch. You are correct. Her email didn't require a response at all. At this juncture, I'm not sure what I should do anymore. I get differing advice at every turn. As far as deleting my FB, I would much rather block my xw. FB is the way I connect with my extended family. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I think sometimes we have distorted perceptions, especially when we are early into into our journey. Once again, thank you for your advice.
Space, I understand you are hurting and grasping at straws. I was there too. If you read my threads you see lots of struggles with DBing, starts and stops, etc. What I can tell you is that when you do the what seems counter-intuitive it has amazing effects on you the DBer. And sometimes it has positive effects on the WAS She EXPECTS you to respond to her. She EXPECTS you to try to hold on for dear life. When you do the opposite of that she will wonder why. Curiosity is big attractant. I can remember my W writing in her journals when we first met that she was so curious to get to know more about me. That is a powerful tool in our arsenal as LBSs. Trigger that curiousity. "Why haven't I heard from him?" "Why did he delete his FB account?" "Why did hasn't he asked about the cats?" "Why does everyone say he is so busy?"
And I have extended family. I connect with them regularly. Text messages. Group texts. Sharing photos. Phone calls. I know people that have FB and sure you can block her but that doesn't mean your paths won't cross on there. Or that you won't go to her profile to get your fix. I've never heard a reason why LBSs have to keep their FB account that weren't pure excuses. Up to you, but I've seen LBSs that delete FB, and those that don't. Guess which ones struggle the most?
I am not anti-life coach. But do not settle for one that isn't working for you. No reason you can't shop around, like you would for a car. If he is telling you to respond to her emails instead of ignoring her to move on to the best version of yourself, then I would seriously consider a new one.
Space sorry you are here. Reading your story felt like I was reading mine. Listen to the vets on here. There advice is golden. At times like they said it will feel like the advice is wrong but it isn’t. It works I didn’t listen to the advice and I got divorced.
You spoke of depression. I never experienced it until my situation too. Get an IC, lean on people you trust and feel comfortable with, if you feel like crying, do it in a private space, let it out it actually helps. If necessary go on AD I did for 6 months just to get me on track. Use this place for advice or to vent. This forum has helped me so much. Just know you are not alone and from what it sounds like you did nothing wrong. This is her journey and only she can work though it.
Thank you everyone for your insight and wisdom. This latest contact was a set back in my attempt at detachment. I really was doing well at beginning to focus on myself and not worry about what the exw was doing. I have done well at GAL and at focusing my energy on myself in the gym and in my career. I think I will take the advice of the people here. I honestly didn't want to respond to the email and likely wouldn't have if my life coach had not thought it was a good idea. If this were a normal divorce, I would know exactly how to deal with such things. Being it is some bizarre MLC, the rules of the game are completely different it seems. I have been through two other long term relationship breakups that each lasted 5 years. Those took way less time to heal from and weren't nearly as damaging to me. I chose to move on from those women and I was very resilient and stayed the course even though the second one I was engaged to, begged me back. I know I have the strength in me to move on and heal from this, but I know it is going to be much harder than the previous two. Once again, thank you everyone. I will reach out to you all for advice on this thread if another touch and go rears its ugly head.
Stay strong and stay the dbing course space!
Yeah those messages they send do feel weird don’t they. It’s hard to adjust to the fact that what was your wife one day is now an alien. Just follow the principles here of don’t reply unless it’s a question and even then wait some time.
There’s heaps of mlc resources here. I’ve read pretty much everything. I’m one of those blokes who needs to know answers.
With fb I just don’t look. I think my XW blocked me but she’s still a fb friend on my list so not sure what happened. I don’t do fb anyway.
Don’t just come here when you need to relate a touch and go. Post regularly about anything you want and people here will support and encourage you
Cheers DS
Thank you DS9. I will begin posting more regarding my triumphs and failures as well. I'm trying to utilize the advice of just focusing on one day at a time, so I don't get too far ahead of myself. I have a tendency to look too far down the road in all aspects of life. I overthink and overanalyze. I need to learn patience. I need to stop and take a deep breath at times. I need to do more self reflection. And I really need to continue to work on myself and correct any flaws that I may have as a person. There is always room for improvement. I am trying to regain my confidence and self-esteem. I was robbed of those things this past year. I have been going to dinner and to a movie alone once per week. Getting to know myself a little bit better. It helps my confidence to do those things. Since I've been in Phoenix, I have hit all of the trendy hangouts
...alone. I'm probably the only person going to these places by themself, but it helps my confidence to know that I can do those things with nobody else. Once again...thanks for all of your support
Hey space no worries mate
Yeah my already modest confidence and self esteem took a real gut punch. Like you i tend to overanalyse and overthink. My job requires this so I’m probably in the wrong line of work.
I also go out solo a few times a week it [censored] but better than sitting home
I cringed when you mentioned astrology and horoscopes. Guess what? 2019 was a huge year of changes for some according to astrology. My XW got a highly detailed numerology report late 2018 unbeknownst to me. She left it lying where I’d see it and the little I read with disgust was like she played the bd script from it.
You sound like a great bloke so I hope when she comes out of whatever she’s in things work out.
Keep up the gym work and stay the course with db. If you feel like you’re faltering come here and you’ll get the support you need.
I’m no pet lover so don’t know what it feels like but can imagine her with holding your cats must be very hard for you and I’m sorry you’re going through that
Cheers DS
Thank you DS9. I will begin posting more regarding my triumphs and failures as well. I'm trying to utilize the advice of just focusing on one day at a time, so I don't get too far ahead of myself. I have a tendency to look too far down the road in all aspects of life. I overthink and overanalyze. I need to learn patience. I need to stop and take a deep breath at times. I need to do more self reflection. And I really need to continue to work on myself and correct any flaws that I may have as a person. There is always room for improvement. I am trying to regain my confidence and self-esteem. I was robbed of those things this past year. I have been going to dinner and to a movie alone once per week. Getting to know myself a little bit better. It helps my confidence to do those things. Since I've been in Phoenix, I have hit all of the trendy hangouts
...alone. I'm probably the only person going to these places by themself, but it helps my confidence to know that I can do those things with nobody else. Once again...thanks for all of your support
I love this update. This is the kind of self reflective introspect a LBS needs to have. I'm a lot like you and had a lot of work to do to learn patience and to train myself to focus on the now. You'll get there, consistency is the key. Be consistent and catch yourself when you are off track.
Thank you DS9. I will begin posting more regarding my triumphs and failures as well. I'm trying to utilize the advice of just focusing on one day at a time, so I don't get too far ahead of myself. I have a tendency to look too far down the road in all aspects of life. I overthink and overanalyze. I need to learn patience. I need to stop and take a deep breath at times. I need to do more self reflection. And I really need to continue to work on myself and correct any flaws that I may have as a person. There is always room for improvement. I am trying to regain my confidence and self-esteem. I was robbed of those things this past year. I have been going to dinner and to a movie alone once per week. Getting to know myself a little bit better. It helps my confidence to do those things. Since I've been in Phoenix, I have hit all of the trendy hangouts
...alone. I'm probably the only person going to these places by themself, but it helps my confidence to know that I can do those things with nobody else. Once again...thanks for all of your support
This is a great post.
We live life one day at a time. While it is important to have goals for the future, extrapolating what will happen based on what is going on today is an exercise in futility. I too am working on this - still. Pulling my thoughts back away from the brink and living in the moment as much as I can.
You're not the only one doing these things alone. I also am not letting someone's answer of "no" deter me from getting out there and doing things I want or need to do. Sometimes it seems difficult when you feel down, but that's probably all the more reason to GAL.
You learn a lot about yourself when you spend time with yourself. It is very eye-opening.
Stay strong, Space
If someone wants out. Let them go. They have to return on their own volition, and we have no control over that. That is why the losses that they get, they must feel over 2-5 years. Because the grass could be greener to them once they experience it. Or? It may not be. They might come running back with bread crumbs to bait us. You might be done by then? Their loss, your gain. You re gain of peace, improvement, travel, growth, comfort, independence, etc. A lot of people aren't willing to tolerate the good the bad and the ugly in M, most just want the good. In their world everything is supposed to be on the up and up. That is why they walk. So let them live it and find out for themselves.
HCLACS, that's an awfully long time frame 3-5 years. I do want to save my marriage and I was thinking 2-3 years of doing 180s, GAL, working on self. At some point I might not want her back anymore. She's not the girl I married and even told me so. I don't want to lose her but I have made it clear we cannot be friends.
Hey space no worries mate
Yeah my already modest confidence and self esteem took a real gut punch. Like you i tend to overanalyse and overthink. My job requires this so I’m probably in the wrong line of work.
I also go out solo a few times a week it [censored] but better than sitting home
I cringed when you mentioned astrology and horoscopes. Guess what? 2019 was a huge year of changes for some according to astrology. My XW got a highly detailed numerology report late 2018 unbeknownst to me. She left it lying where I’d see it and the little I read with disgust was like she played the bd script from it.
You sound like a great bloke so I hope when she comes out of whatever she’s in things work out.
Keep up the gym work and stay the course with db. If you feel like you’re faltering come here and you’ll get the support you need.
I’m no pet lover so don’t know what it feels like but can imagine her with holding your cats must be very hard for you and I’m sorry you’re going through that
Cheers DS
My WW got a pyschic reading who told her she was on "the right path" which is leaving me. She cheated on me late last year and has gone back into another relationship already. It's sad to see a good girl gone bad.
Well staying with a woman who makes her life decisions based on the advice of a fuching kook scam artist seems like a woman I would want to spend the rest of my life with. (Insert massive LH eye-roll)
I can't concur with LH's language, but I sure did his message. If my W came to me and said "Yep, I am still leaving you based on a psychic reading", I would ask her to leave immediately. Call a lawyer, and begin to file for D myself.
I can't concur with LH's language, but I sure did his message. If my W came to me and said "Yep, I am still leaving you based on a psychic reading", I would ask her to leave immediately. Call a lawyer, and begin to file for D myself.
Lol early on my ex went to a psychic and said our life paths don’t cross and it was better for us to get a divorce. I said to her, really? This is what you are going by? She actually said the psychic said it, our life paths don’t cross anymore, what do you want me to do? Sad this is one of the reasons she told me early on about wanting a divorce. The psychic told her. Lol
My WAW also got a psychic reading in which the medium contacted XW's Paternal Grandmother spirit and was advised to "wash her hands of me" don't pay any attention to me and just ignore me. That I was "up to no good" What was even more astounding in the notes of the report was the behavior and sitiation predictability of S2.
Here are my notes from my thread back in Sept.
Her notes from Psychic:
Medium predicted her maiden name. That her paternal grandmother was spirit guide. Arms open to her. That either Grandmother or XW has a fear of dying. Difficulty walking. Constant worry. (XW complained about knees after her GAL this Sat.) Virus related.
Spirit (Paternal Grandmother whom XW never met but is very similar to came greet her. ) Advised wants to help her with family conflict. For XW to wash hands of negative person causing conflict. (Me.) That my intentions aren't good. She wrote down "You can't divorce family." (This is something my brother and family has always said to me.) She correlated that with me, and that I am up to no good. That she should be careful. That I have a strong personality. That she has to seperate herself from male figure.
This part regarding my S2 was remarkable. It goes even further to predict and elaborate on my S2's current personality, behaviot, situation and relationship with XW and MIL. MIL and XW adore S2 and he is their world. That S2 is on spectrum of developmentally challenged. That he is an explorer, he learns by doing, is sensitive and empathetic, is an old soul sent to help earth. That he needs space to explore, not to keep a tight rope on him, that he will face challenges in public school settings, too much resistance will backfire. That his Grandmother (MIL or XW deceased paternal GM.) will be his guide. Medium also goes on to advise XW that she should push for primary custody, and is adamant not to do joint custody or 50/50 custody. That more time with XW is better with her and for her. She should talk with a lawyer(s), and get an agreement that XW will not agree or pay alimony or CS. Not to let communication with me get under skin.
Heart healing: Ask for protection for XW and S2, that she has been hurt.
Medium confirmed that "I would not hurt or harm S2" (Apparantly a fear of XW with no example or merit.)
Fulfillment of wishes is money and child support. Its also forecasted I will be making good money in future. Forecasted that she will be switching jobs or asking for a raise. Increase in salary in new job position and also asking for more child support.
Marriage: Suffering in silence. (Yeah like she's the only one as a result of her actions.)
Hope: Positive outcome. To trust gut instinct.
Confidence 100% in Patience and Planning: payoff is good and academic and nature may possibly be going back to school again within the next year.
Inheritance: 3 money cards together.
That things are coming to fruition. She was advised to push herself more in her career. Take more classes. (This I find kind of funny because she has done nothing but complain how much he wants to quit her job, do something purposeful with her life, and how miserable she is over the last 4 or 5 years, and that is sucking the life out of her.) She already has her Masters and her ABA and Behavioral as well as sign language courses another certifications related to the education field. She was also advised to push for more money and find a new partner that makes more money. To look for someone stable in a good job. (My work history has always been a little irregular.) Advised to focus on herself for 2 years. No new partner until Sept. 21st. (This is ironic because it is the end of the Virgo cycle. My cycle.)
So people here can take the whole psychic reading one of two ways depending on their beliefs. Either accurate predictability and fulfillment, or satanic spirit channeling posing as passed loved ones with foresight into yourself, your lived ones, and the future.
Plenty of scripture here in the bible that forbid contacting mediums. Well meaning people have a curiosity about how their life is going to turn out by contacting Mediums and Soothsayers rather than putting their full faith on God and the Lord Jesus. So I say ask at your own spiritual peril.
My WAW also got a psychic reading in which the medium contacted XW's Paternal Grandmother spirit and was advised to "wash her hands of me" don't pay any attention to me and just ignore me. That I was "up to no good" What was even more astounding in the notes of the report was the behavior and sitiation predictability of S2.
Here are my notes from my thread back in Sept.
Her notes from Psychic:
Medium predicted her maiden name. That her paternal grandmother was spirit guide. Arms open to her. That either Grandmother or XW has a fear of dying. Difficulty walking. Constant worry. (XW complained about knees after her GAL this Sat.) Virus related.
Spirit (Paternal Grandmother whom XW never met but is very similar to came greet her. ) Advised wants to help her with family conflict. For XW to wash hands of negative person causing conflict. (Me.) That my intentions aren't good. She wrote down "You can't divorce family." (This is something my brother and family has always said to me.) She correlated that with me, and that I am up to no good. That she should be careful. That I have a strong personality. That she has to seperate herself from male figure.
This part regarding my S2 was remarkable. It goes even further to predict and elaborate on my S2's current personality, behaviot, situation and relationship with XW and MIL. MIL and XW adore S2 and he is their world. That S2 is on spectrum of developmentally challenged. That he is an explorer, he learns by doing, is sensitive and empathetic, is an old soul sent to help earth. That he needs space to explore, not to keep a tight rope on him, that he will face challenges in public school settings, too much resistance will backfire. That his Grandmother (MIL or XW deceased paternal GM.) will be his guide. Medium also goes on to advise XW that she should push for primary custody, and is adamant not to do joint custody or 50/50 custody. That more time with XW is better with her and for her. She should talk with a lawyer(s), and get an agreement that XW will not agree or pay alimony or CS. Not to let communication with me get under skin.
Heart healing: Ask for protection for XW and S2, that she has been hurt.
Medium confirmed that "I would not hurt or harm S2" (Apparantly a fear of XW with no example or merit.)
Fulfillment of wishes is money and child support. Its also forecasted I will be making good money in future. Forecasted that she will be switching jobs or asking for a raise. Increase in salary in new job position and also asking for more child support.
Marriage: Suffering in silence. (Yeah like she's the only one as a result of her actions.)
Hope: Positive outcome. To trust gut instinct.
Confidence 100% in Patience and Planning: payoff is good and academic and nature may possibly be going back to school again within the next year.
Inheritance: 3 money cards together.
That things are coming to fruition. She was advised to push herself more in her career. Take more classes. (This I find kind of funny because she has done nothing but complain how much he wants to quit her job, do something purposeful with her life, and how miserable she is over the last 4 or 5 years, and that is sucking the life out of her.) She already has her Masters and her ABA and Behavioral as well as sign language courses another certifications related to the education field. She was also advised to push for more money and find a new partner that makes more money. To look for someone stable in a good job. (My work history has always been a little irregular.) Advised to focus on herself for 2 years. No new partner until Sept. 21st. (This is ironic because it is the end of the Virgo cycle. My cycle.)
So people here can take the whole psychic reading one of two ways depending on their beliefs. Either accurate predictability and fulfillment, or satanic spirit channeling posing as passed loved ones with foresight into yourself, your lived ones, and the future.
Plenty of scripture here in the bible that forbid contacting mediums. Well meaning people have a curiosity about how their life is going to turn out by contacting Mediums and Soothsayers rather than putting their full faith on God and the Lord Jesus. So I say ask at your own spiritual peril.
Wow - I don't know what to say. Reading that is horrible. And your ex based the rest of her life on that no doubt.
Just a quick update on my progress. I have blocked my XW's FB profile so I longer see what she likes of mutual friends or when she does. I have decided to utilize LRTs. I have stopped listening to my MLC life coach and have decided to go 100% NC. I will not respond to her occasional ridiculous emails. I have shut the door completely and won't open it. She will have to be the one to knock first. I have stopped asking myself the normal questions of why she did this. Because there really isn't a good answer anyway. I got tired of putting myself through that. I am done blaming myself. I am done being the victim that something was done to. I am done feeling sorry for myself. When I feel sad and depressed I yell out to myself, "STOP!" It helps me refocus on the day and the task at hand. I am pushing hard to remain in the gym even though my depression wants me to stay in bed or lay around the apartment. As part of my self reflection I have been focusing on my positives. I am handsome, loyal, charming, and witty. I am in great shape and look a lot younger than my years would suggest. Most people mistake me for being 8-9 years younger. I am also focusing on what needs improvement. I need to learn not to be codependent on anybody. I need to work on not being an anxious person and to have more patience. I also need to work on being emotionally intelligent and to better control my anger. The positive feedback I have received from others has greatly improved my self-esteem and confidence. The same self esteem and confidence that my XW robbed me of with her emotional abuse. I have remained in touch with an old girlfriend that I dated when I met my XW. My XW knew we remained friends and was fine with it as we had no jealousy/trust issues in our relationship. The old girlfriend told me that any woman who could throw me away, would have to be out of her mind as any woman would be blessed to have me as their husband. That statement really helped me realize that my sitch has less to do with me and more to do with my XW's issues. This woman has been very supportive and checks on me frequently. She is in a 11 year relationship of her own, so it is totally platonic. We have remained friends for 20 years. Ultimately, I now feel as if my XW suffered the biggest loss here. She threw away a very rare man. One that possesses the same rare qualities that she used to adore. She will have to live with the guilt and remorse of ending a good marriage for her own selfish reasons. I won't have to live with that monkey on my back. I allowed her to destroy me as a person, all while I tried to save our marriage, our newly remodeled home, and the good life we built together. I wear medals that nobody else can see. I will persevere and face the storm ahead. I know some days will be better than others, but I accept that. Thank you to everyone here for their advice, support, and wisdom. I'm not sure what I would do if I hadn't found DB.
S,
This is a great post and I wish more people had updates like your last post. It’s a big step when you realize that this all about what your wife is going through. There are many good women out there that are looking for a good man as they can be rare to find. Keep moving forward!
S,
This is a great post and I wish more people had updates like your last post. It’s a big step when you realize that this all about what your wife is going through. There are many good women out there that are looking for a good man as they can be rare to find. Keep moving forward!
LH19,
Thank you! I keep reading about the BAMOAFWL. When in fact, I was already that man and she is the fool. I will continue to be that man and improve upon the improvements I've made over the past 20 years. I'm not perfect, but I can only choose to become an even better person and not let her destroy the hard work I've put into myself. It's only 8 months after BD and I am beginning to see the light. She unjustly made me feel bad about myself and criticized me for every little thing. Ex: My breath stunk, she didn't care about my exercise progress, I was too clingy, I Iaid around the house, I wasn't attractive or interesting, sex didn't last long enough, etc. These criticisms were all in direct conflict with the things she always said she adored about me. I guess some people don't know what they have until it's gone. The way I see it, it is her loss...not mine. The same exgirlfriend that's been one of my biggest supporters told me that continuing to stay out of a relationship with another woman, is depriving a deserving woman of a good man. Her ego stroking has helped my self esteem immensely. I really needed her support. And being that she dated me, she knows what type of man I was then and I'm a much better man now. I am not ready to engage in another serious relationship as of yet, but I have been testing the waters for future options. Whether this is right or wrong, idk. But, I feel like I need to see what else is out there.
Another update: I've done a better job over the last few months of emotionally detaching from my now exw. I blocked her from my FB which has helped me immensely. I also met a Vietnamese woman who treats me very well. Everything seemed a little TOO perfect. However just 2.5 months into our dating she followed her family to Las Vegas. Now she says she wants me to move to Vegas to be with her. I have done more research into her past and have caught her in a number of lies lately. She has now lived in five states in the past eight months. Her past is a really shady. She certainly has feelings for me and vice versa but her true colors have been showing through since she left. She has put a monetary number on the amount of money I would need to make before moving there with her. She says she wants financial security. I already make that much money and then some in Colorado. I'm not wanting to sacrifice everything for a woman I havent known that long and jobs that pay that well are far and few in Nevada. I told her it could take years for me to find a job making that much there. She says she would wait for as long as it took. I'm really not feeling her at this point but decided to take a four day trip to Vegas to see if we really have something special or if it's just a fling. She treated me like a King again when I was there but I do not trust her or her intentions. Anyway, as I was landing at the airport in NV, my exw sent me an email. It contained pics of my pets, which she won't let me see. She also sent a picture of an old VHS cassette that was of me dunking a basketball when I was 18 years old and asked me if I wanted it. She claims she had just found it in a drawer which is BS because she emptied every drawer out when she moved last July. I couldn't care less about the VHS tape. Hell, I lost everything I've worked for over the past 20 years including my home, pets, marriage, and RV. My exw sends me an email every three months almost to the day with pointless information. It's as if she is just fabricating reasons to contact me. This email she started out with, "Hi. Hope you are well." That's the nicest she's been in the past 11 months since BD. I went against the advice of my former life coach and followed the advice of the good people on here and did not respond to her. Well, yesterday she actually texted me just six days after sending the email. She stated that she hadn't heard back from me so she texted me the same pics and information. I did not respond to her text either. I have completely slammed the door shut on her and if she ever wants back in she will have to knock. Anyway, I'm thinking of cutting loose the Viet woman to avoid any more emotional distress on my part. I clearly have too many trust issues to engage in a serious relationship as of yet and I don't want to be with a woman who puts a dollar figure on being together. My exw will now have to deal with the consequences of her actions as I don't want any contact with her. I just want to be left alone again to focus my own growth some more. I have a lot of time off coming up in June and I am planning another solo vacation for myself. Any thoughts or advice on the Asian woman or my exw's bizarre touch and go contacts? I'm not sure how I get myself into these situations. Sometimes following my heart and desires can bite me in the ass.
S,
I think you already know the answer regarding the Asian woman. As for your ex that is typical WW behavior just to see if you are still connected. Great job not responding. If she wants to reconnect she’s going to have work for it. Keep working on yourself and moving forward.
Thanks for the reply. I agree with what you've said. I do know the answer regarding the Asian woman. She's definitely not the right woman for me. As good as we get along and as much fun as we've had together, she just isn't the type of woman I can build a future with. I may continue to have some fun with her when I travel to Vegas; but won't get emotionally involved. Also, I believe my exw is testing the waters to see if I am still emotionally attached to her. I also feel as if she is doing a bit of monstering still. Thank you for the pat on the back for not responding to her. It's not easy for me, as I've always been there for her and responded to her for 20 years. At this point, I want to send the message that I no longer want her to contact me, nor will I give her the time of day. I need to continue to focus on myself as I have this past year. When I met this Viet woman, it was inadvertent and it was her that asked me out to dinner. I wasn't even looking to date at the time. I just didn't want to be rude. Then she sucked me in as part of her plan. If I've learned anything in life, it's that if something seems too good to be true....it probably isn't true. Not sure what I would do without the DB forum. It gives me a platform to vent, talk about my progress and set backs, and helps me understand more about my personal sitch. Thank you!
So.....Another update: I went back to my hometown that I moved from after my divorce last year to handle some business yesterday. I found out through a tip that my xw did in fact leave me to avoid engaging in an affair while married and living together. It is something she likely had planned for a couple of months before leaving and filing for divorce. The worst part of it, is her fling is with married coworker who's wife is deployed overseas. She has been spotted at his house since last August and I even have a friend that lives in the neighborhood who has photos of her vehicle for proof. She always parks her car next door I've been told. His wife is due to return home next month. Another bad thing about the entire situation, is that the guy, his wife and my xw all work in the same building together. His wife is my ex's cousin's first cousin. He is also the younger brother of a good friend of mine I went to high school with. My xw spoke of him frequently. Nothing good though. Just about how he was always cheating on his wife and she had cheated on him for revenge and that they both have been attending counseling for years because they have young children together. Perhaps my exw views this fling as excitement to feed her MLC. The guy is a real piece of work, I guess as is most affair downs. He's also four years younger than my xw. I remember my xw coming home one day from work upset because his wife made him unfriend her from his FB. Makes me wonder now what the reason was for that. The question I have now is, do I contact his w and expose the affair or just let the trash take itself out? At this point I could never forgive my xw. I have also gained some closure just knowing the truth. I have researched high and low on the internet and it's about 50/50 to expose the affair or not. I'm not normally the type to expose anyone's business. I feel I have nothing to lose or gain here. My xw has really messed her life up and will hit rock bottom at some point. It's unbelievable how a once loving, loyal and devoted woman could commit such a sin. She always had strong moral character, or so I thought. I'm shocked that she would do such a thing. I think she is about to have a viscous wake up call when she finds that this guy isn't going to leave his wife for her and risk losing his dream home and kids. Wow.....talk about a relationship built on a shaky foundation. Or better yet....quicksand. If his wife finds out, my xw will be made look like a fool if she is confronted at work. I'm sure their coworkers already know what's going on. This guy isn't half the man I am, so I'm not even concerned about him. He will get his just desserts soon enough. In the course of DB'ing I was told not to make my xw jealous, however the Vietnamese girl I have been dating posted pics on my FB page of us that my xw's family will no doubt see and share with her. At this point, I don't even care. I have no intention of ever taking her back. Learning this information is the best thing that's happened to me in a while. It makes it much easier to emotionally detach and move on with my life. Now if I could just stop letting this Asian woman suck me back into her trap I will be golden. This Viet woman has made my life one big emotional roller coaster. Just when I began to detach from her, she gets me back on the hook with her sweet and loving ways. Then she goes and does something stupid again. Ugh...it's time for me to move and start a new life away from everyone. I may seriously consider it if only I could find a good paying job in say...Phoenix.
S,
I’m sorry you found out your ex had an affair but it’s pretty predictable that there is an OP involved in 95% of these situations. The fact that he is a lesser person is also quite common. Do not expose the affair because quite frankly it’s none of your business. You are no longer married. Use it as ammo to help you detach.
As for the Asian woman if you like hanging out with her and have fun continue to do so but keep your emotions in check. Sounds like you have some work to do in that area.
The question I have now is, do I contact his w and expose the affair or just let the trash take itself out?
I agree with LH, it's all none of your business at this point. You're divorced and that's all her circus now. It's very unfortunate that the woman deployed overseas is about to come home to this mess, but rest assured it's going to blow up without your intervention.
I have researched high and low on the internet and it's about 50/50 to expose the affair or not. I'm not normally the type to expose anyone's business.
If you were still married then our advice would be to let your W know you're aware of it. We always say not to contact OM or OM's W or anyone else though, because all that tampering leads nowhere but trouble. In your case you're already divorced so there would be no point in informing your XW that you know about her affair, because that now falls under the umbrella of you snooping and prying into her personal life, which is none of your business to be honest.
It's unbelievable how a once loving, loyal and devoted woman could commit such a sin. She always had strong moral character, or so I thought. I'm shocked that she would do such a thing. I think she is about to have a viscous wake up call when she finds that this guy isn't going to leave his wife for her and risk losing his dream home and kids.
I mentioned in another thread yesterday that I really believe that what many WAS's go through is some form of mental illness. Hopefully some day there will be treatments for this. But until then all we can do is leave them alone and hope they figure out their mess on their own.
however the Vietnamese girl I have been dating posted pics on my FB page of us that my xw's family will no doubt see and share with her.
But why do you even care. You're single again, you can post what you want on social media.
This Viet woman has made my life one big emotional roller coaster. Just when I began to detach from her, she gets me back on the hook with her sweet and loving ways.
Ha! Man I have soooo been there. When you're in a relationship with someone that is an extreme pursuer/ distancer the healthiest thing you can do is ALWAYS maintain a certain level of detachment from them.
Yes, I knew there had to be more to the story. And I figured if she was engaged in a EA, it would have to be someone at her new job. I just never would have expected it to be my friend's younger brother who is married to my xw's cousin's cousin. The same guy my wife had spoke of in very low regard. Looking back now, she spoke of him very frequently. One night she told me during her crisis, that she was happy she was married to a man she didn't have to worry about cheating on her as this guy did his wife. Just a matter of weeks later, she filed for divorce. How bizarre. And yes, I have been putting in a lot of work to become more emotionally intelligent. My job requires me to control my emotions a nd have thick skin. But, for some reason I've been letting this Asian woman get to me. I know I can emotionally detach from her if I did my xw after 20 good years together.
Another Stander,
I have no intention of exposing the affair. That is not my style. I believe in karma and what goes around, comes around. I truly feel bad for the OP's wife though. He's been caught cheating on her numerous times so no doubt he will be found out again. As far as the FB posts, I really do not care if my xw sees the photos if her family shares them. I was just told to not make her jealous when I was standing. If anything, I want her to see me now, with a beautiful Asian woman holding and kissing me on the Las Vegas strip. All while she has to sneak around and play step mommy to two little kids in a secretive relationship with no chance to spend alone time or travel together. My life has become much more exciting and fun since my divorce, all while my xw is living a lie. Her excitement involves sneaking around with a married man. My excitement involves traveling to warm weather destinations and dating beautiful foreign women. French and an Asian woman now. My goal isn't to make her jealous, but to just live life the way it was intended to be lived.
Another Stander,
I have no intention of exposing the affair. That is not my style. I believe in karma and what goes around, comes around. I truly feel bad for the OP's wife though. He's been caught cheating on her numerous times so no doubt he will be found out again. As far as the FB posts, I really do not care if my xw sees the photos if her family shares them. I was just told to not make her jealous when I was standing. If anything, I want her to see me now, with a beautiful Asian woman holding and kissing me on the Las Vegas strip. All while she has to sneak around and play step mommy to two little kids in a secretive relationship with no chance to spend alone time or travel together. My life has become much more exciting and fun since my divorce, all while my xw is living a lie. Her excitement involves sneaking around with a married man. My excitement involves traveling to warm weather destinations and dating beautiful foreign women. French and an Asian woman now. My goal isn't to make her jealous, but to just live life the way it was intended to be lived.
Yeah.......this post shows that you are still overly attached to your now XW. If anything you want her to see you with your new woman being affectionate?!? WHY? If I was in a new R with wonderful woman I wouldn't give two cares whether or not my XW knew it or not. This shows me that you have unresolved emotional baggage that you need to deal with. And if you don't then your R with this beautiful Asian is doomed. Maybe not for 6 months...maybe not for 6 years. But if you do not get into IC and work through that emotional baggage then you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes in this new R.
Really obsessed with asian women, there, huh?
Your hobby of traveling to exotic destinations and dating beautiful foreign women is an interesting one. Do you have hobbies that don’t include other women and making your ex jealous with posed pictures with asian chicks on
The Vegas strip?
Really obsessed with asian women, there, huh?
Your hobby of traveling to exotic destinations and dating beautiful foreign women is an interesting one. Do you have hobbies that don’t include other women and making your ex jealous with posed pictures with asian chicks on
The Vegas strip?
I am absolutely not obsessed with Asian women. It's never been my thing. I've never dated an Asian woman. I do not have an Asian fetish as some men do. And yes, fyi I have many other hobbies. I enjoy hiking, fishing, camping, lifting weights, going to the gun range, etc. And I never intended to make my xw jealous. I've actually been avoiding doing so for the past year. All I said, is that at this point I don't care if she is made jealous after I've been told the truth. I'm not the one who posted the pics. I just didn't bother to change the privacy setting. Lastly, I wouldn't consider Las Vegas and Phoenix exotic destinations. I find your comments to be reaching and rather offensive. You clearly missed the point and to what I want trying to relay.
So.....Another update: I went back to my hometown that I moved from after my divorce last year to handle some business yesterday. I found out through a tip that my xw did in fact leave me to avoid engaging in an affair while married and living together. It is something she likely had planned for a couple of months before leaving and filing for divorce. The worst part of it, is her fling is with married coworker who's wife is deployed overseas. She has been spotted at his house since last August and I even have a friend that lives in the neighborhood who has photos of her vehicle for proof. She always parks her car next door I've been told. His wife is due to return home next month. Another bad thing about the entire situation, is that the guy, his wife and my xw all work in the same building together. His wife is my ex's cousin's first cousin. He is also the younger brother of a good friend of mine I went to high school with. My xw spoke of him frequently. Nothing good though. Just about how he was always cheating on his wife and she had cheated on him for revenge and that they both have been attending counseling for years because they have young children together. Perhaps my exw views this fling as excitement to feed her MLC. The guy is a real piece of work, I guess as is most affair downs. He's also four years younger than my xw. I remember my xw coming home one day from work upset because his wife made him unfriend her from his FB. Makes me wonder now what the reason was for that. The question I have now is, do I contact his w and expose the affair or just let the trash take itself out? At this point I could never forgive my xw. I have also gained some closure just knowing the truth. I have researched high and low on the internet and it's about 50/50 to expose the affair or not. I'm not normally the type to expose anyone's business. I feel I have nothing to lose or gain here. My xw has really messed her life up and will hit rock bottom at some point. It's unbelievable how a once loving, loyal and devoted woman could commit such a sin. She always had strong moral character, or so I thought. I'm shocked that she would do such a thing. I think she is about to have a viscous wake up call when she finds that this guy isn't going to leave his wife for her and risk losing his dream home and kids. Wow.....talk about a relationship built on a shaky foundation. Or better yet....quicksand. If his wife finds out, my xw will be made look like a fool if she is confronted at work. I'm sure their coworkers already know what's going on. This guy isn't half the man I am, so I'm not even concerned about him. He will get his just desserts soon enough. In the course of DB'ing I was told not to make my xw jealous, however the Vietnamese girl I have been dating posted pics on my FB page of us that my xw's family will no doubt see and share with her. At this point, I don't even care. I have no intention of ever taking her back. Learning this information is the best thing that's happened to me in a while. It makes it much easier to emotionally detach and move on with my life. Now if I could just stop letting this Asian woman suck me back into her trap I will be golden. This Viet woman has made my life one big emotional roller coaster. Just when I began to detach from her, she gets me back on the hook with her sweet and loving ways. Then she goes and does something stupid again. Ugh...it's time for me to move and start a new life away from everyone. I may seriously consider it if only I could find a good paying job in say...Phoenix.
Sorry about the PA. I wish I could say I was surprised. All of the markers were there.
I meant every word I said in my last post. You have a lot of emotional work to do on yourself. The one thing you are doing right is ignoring the XW. Good job! Now here is some advice for how to move forward.
- If you stopped IC, get back in. Not a life coach though an out and out therpist. You have a lot of emotional baggage to work through here and you need to professional help to navigate it.
- Break up with the the girlfriend. Do not beat around the bush and "detach" from her. Stop being a "nice guy" (quoted because it isn't nice. Just call her up and tell her it is over. Period. End of discussion. We guys that suffer from NGS think that the cowardly way out of a R is being nice. It isn't. Being properly broke up with so the healing can begin is.
- Do not get involved in your W's situation. You bring FB up again. ARGH. I really feel you'd be much further along in your emotional healing journey if you'd get off the SM entirely. But I won't beat that dead horse. Regardless, your XW's life is hers. The OM's W is an idiot for putting up with his cheating. Don't feel bad for her she isn't a victim, she has brought this on herself for tolerating it time and time again. Stay out of it. When people you know start to tell you things about your XW STOP them, and say "I don't care. I don't want to know."
- "ugh...it's time for me to move and start a new life away from everyone. I may seriously consider it if only I could find a good paying job in say..." Ah yes. Running away. That would solve everything. Oh, except if you aren't willing to drop FB then you really wouldn't be away from everyone. Also, I see excuses. "If I had a good paying job...." You need to drop the cowards way out of things. Face your problems head on. Break up with the GF. Stay where you are out and make a fresh start there. Stop making excuses and get out and improve your circumstances. You seem like a smart guy, get into Community College and improve your education and your job prospects.
- Get the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read it. Apply the techniques for changing. And take control of your life and your own happiness.
Space, if you follow the advice above I think you will find that your life will improve in big ways. Or you could continue to let other people run your life, control your emotions, and stay stuck in your rut.
Of course I have some level of emotional attachment to my xw. I have been working towards detaching for a while now. It is a work in progress. Me being made aware of the truth had helped me immensely. I feel more detached than ever. My relationship with the Asian woman is already doomed. She isn't the type of woman I can build a future with. I do have fun with her and we get along great. She is very affectionate, but we don't share the same values in life. There is a big cultural barrier there. As far as IC, I tried that last summer. It did not help me. I saw two counselors and neither did me any justice. I took to writing 4-7 handwritten pages in a journal every night. That helped me more than anything. I'm not perfect, but I feel that I've made a lot of progress in my grief recovery. I just find it interesting that my xw left me to find happiness and yet I am the one who is taking on new experiences by taking solo vacations and doing positive things. She is taking on risky behavior and falling into a bigger rut. I don't care if she is made jealous or not.
But you said, if anything, I want her to see me now with a beautiful asian woman ( why even bother mentioning her ethnicity?) kissing on the Vegas strip”
If that doesn’t cry attachment and wanting to make your ex jealous, I don’t know what does.
So.....Another update: I went back to my hometown that I moved from after my divorce last year to handle some business yesterday. I found out through a tip that my xw did in fact leave me to avoid engaging in an affair while married and living together. It is something she likely had planned for a couple of months before leaving and filing for divorce. The worst part of it, is her fling is with married coworker who's wife is deployed overseas. She has been spotted at his house since last August and I even have a friend that lives in the neighborhood who has photos of her vehicle for proof. She always parks her car next door I've been told. His wife is due to return home next month. Another bad thing about the entire situation, is that the guy, his wife and my xw all work in the same building together. His wife is my ex's cousin's first cousin. He is also the younger brother of a good friend of mine I went to high school with. My xw spoke of him frequently. Nothing good though. Just about how he was always cheating on his wife and she had cheated on him for revenge and that they both have been attending counseling for years because they have young children together. Perhaps my exw views this fling as excitement to feed her MLC. The guy is a real piece of work, I guess as is most affair downs. He's also four years younger than my xw. I remember my xw coming home one day from work upset because his wife made him unfriend her from his FB. Makes me wonder now what the reason was for that. The question I have now is, do I contact his w and expose the affair or just let the trash take itself out? At this point I could never forgive my xw. I have also gained some closure just knowing the truth. I have researched high and low on the internet and it's about 50/50 to expose the affair or not. I'm not normally the type to expose anyone's business. I feel I have nothing to lose or gain here. My xw has really messed her life up and will hit rock bottom at some point. It's unbelievable how a once loving, loyal and devoted woman could commit such a sin. She always had strong moral character, or so I thought. I'm shocked that she would do such a thing. I think she is about to have a viscous wake up call when she finds that this guy isn't going to leave his wife for her and risk losing his dream home and kids. Wow.....talk about a relationship built on a shaky foundation. Or better yet....quicksand. If his wife finds out, my xw will be made look like a fool if she is confronted at work. I'm sure their coworkers already know what's going on. This guy isn't half the man I am, so I'm not even concerned about him. He will get his just desserts soon enough. In the course of DB'ing I was told not to make my xw jealous, however the Vietnamese girl I have been dating posted pics on my FB page of us that my xw's family will no doubt see and share with her. At this point, I don't even care. I have no intention of ever taking her back. Learning this information is the best thing that's happened to me in a while. It makes it much easier to emotionally detach and move on with my life. Now if I could just stop letting this Asian woman suck me back into her trap I will be golden. This Viet woman has made my life one big emotional roller coaster. Just when I began to detach from her, she gets me back on the hook with her sweet and loving ways. Then she goes and does something stupid again. Ugh...it's time for me to move and start a new life away from everyone. I may seriously consider it if only I could find a good paying job in say...Phoenix.
Sorry about the PA. I wish I could say I was surprised. All of the markers were there.
I meant every word I said in my last post. You have a lot of emotional work to do on yourself. The one thing you are doing right is ignoring the XW. Good job! Now here is some advice for how to move forward.
- If you stopped IC, get back in. Not a life coach though an out and out therpist. You have a lot of emotional baggage to work through here and you need to professional help to navigate it.
- Break up with the the girlfriend. Do not beat around the bush and "detach" from her. Stop being a "nice guy" (quoted because it isn't nice. Just call her up and tell her it is over. Period. End of discussion. We guys that suffer from NGS think that the cowardly way out of a R is being nice. It isn't. Being properly broke up with so the healing can begin is.
- Do not get involved in your W's situation. You bring FB up again. ARGH. I really feel you'd be much further along in your emotional healing journey if you'd get off the SM entirely. But I won't beat that dead horse. Regardless, your XW's life is hers. The OM's W is an idiot for putting up with his cheating. Don't feel bad for her she isn't a victim, she has brought this on herself for tolerating it time and time again. Stay out of it. When people you know start to tell you things about your XW STOP them, and say "I don't care. I don't want to know."
- "ugh...it's time for me to move and start a new life away from everyone. I may seriously consider it if only I could find a good paying job in say..." Ah yes. Running away. That would solve everything. Oh, except if you aren't willing to drop FB then you really wouldn't be away from everyone. Also, I see excuses. "If I had a good paying job...." You need to drop the cowards way out of things. Face your problems head on. Break up with the GF. Stay where you are out and make a fresh start there. Stop making excuses and get out and improve your circumstances. You seem like a smart guy, get into Community College and improve your education and your job prospects.
- Get the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read it. Apply the techniques for changing. And take control of your life and your own happiness.
Space, if you follow the advice above I think you will find that your life will improve in big ways. Or you could continue to let other people run your life, control your emotions, and stay stuck in your rut.
I will absolutely pick that book up and read it. It sounds like like something that could help me. As far as the running away comment, I was just joking. I have been wanting to move to a warmer climate for many years now, but I wouldn't be running away from anything. Just starting a new chapter in a new environment. I think sometimes change can be a good thing. Lastly, I already have a college education and have been working on my graduate degree for the past year. I already have a great paying job in CO and was a Program Director when I was married. If I ever chose to move somewhere new I wouldn't have a problem finding a good job. Thank you for your advice. Perhaps at some point I will feel the need to drop SM. I will absolutely tell anyone who mentions my xw that I don't want to hear it. That in itself will help with my emotional detachment. And yes, I should have already called things off with the GF. She can treat me so well and I know she had strong feelings for me and I don't want to hurt her. But I know with her values regarding money and her history, I know it won't work out long term. Thank you again for your honest input.
But you said, if anything, I want her to see me now with a beautiful asian woman ( why even bother mentioning her ethnicity?) kissing on the Vegas strip”
If that doesn’t cry attachment and wanting to make your ex jealous, I don’t know what does.
If I wanted to make my xw jealous I could have done it long ago when she was following my SM and I was dating a another woman. I actually blocked her to help myself emotionally detach. I just simply don't care now if she is jealous of the way I live my life or who I'm with. I only mentioned the woman's ethnicity as I had mentioned before I was dating a Vietnamese woman. I didn't want any confusion as to which woman was kissing me. To imply I'm obsessed with Asian woman because I mentioned her ethnicity is degrading to me. I find all women beautiful. I am not obsessed with any one ethnicity. That is off base to assume such a thing.