I wish I found this group when the BDed 2 months ago because I have done all the don'ts (begging pleading crying threatening confronting her and telling others) and up until 2 days ago I was still begging and pleading. Here is our stitch H (37) me (34) together almost 15years M(12) 5 kids (10,8,6,5,3). We have had a rocky marriage throughout but I didn't see it as anything worse then other people. The last couple of months had gotten bad. Then H BD the first week of Oct that he is having an EA with a coworker that started in Sept. of this year. When he told me he also tried to break it off and we tried to work on things the for about 4 days and by Wednesday he felt his feels for her were too strong to fight and he went back to her, sneaking around before or after work. He has tried to break it off 5 or 6 times and everytime his feels get stronger. He says that they are in love and he has no feelings for me and that he has been thinking about leaving for awhile and she was his final way to get out. He also says the last 13 years have been more bad then good. He has tried to move in with her but she called their other coworker that helps talk them off the edge and he decided not to move out, but tried to live in our camper. Then I confronted him about her doing his laundry even though they are not seeing each other outside of work and he said he was done with me and wants a divorce. That day he realized he could not afford to move out right now and asked to stay in our basement, but me has no desire to work on us even though he sees through this I have started to make the changes he wanted before. He just wants to be with her because he believes life will be happier without me even if he is not seeing the kids every day (he says they will be fine and not suffer for long). So right now he says he is burned out, not sleeping and not really eating, so he is going to focus on being single and coparenting and not see her or call or text her and when he goes to work he will just work and have little interaction with her as possible (I dont really believe that). He said he would stay in the basement and only come up to use the bathroom or get something to eat, but he has been hanging out upstairs with us when he wants. The last 2 days I have been good and pleasant which is a Huge change for me. Last night it almost looked like he was going through a little bit of withdrawal from not being with her but it also could have been he was just tired.
Does this sound like I have any hope to save things? Could this be true love between them after only 2 months or does it sound like affair fog or a MLC? I am at a loss on what to do. I am going to get the DB book today. I feel like this is eating me alive.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
So sorry you are in this horrible situation. Whilst your waiting for the book , read all the links when you can and try to absorb as much as possible. Its impossible to know if things will resolve between you two , but be strong , you can do it
Hi Alrose,
sorry you're here. Your sitch has a lot of similarities to others, but I'm sure some differences as well.
I want to say that while your husband might feel "in love" with this OW, what kind of love is that? He is married to you, kids with you, didn't leave you, I'm sure he lies to her about a lot. He is in a bad place, not sleeping well, not eating well, living in the basement but then living upstairs, make rash choices, involving coworkers...honey that is not "in love" or "true love" or any type of love.
I want you to read here and post here. Breathe, remain calm, and think everything through. I bet you're a good gal at heart, but your marriage hasn't been the best and now you're hear. Big whoop. You can make yourself better, I promise you that. And you are better and you do deserve better than this crap that is going on right now. Seriously.
So here's where you start:
1. "Don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does". This is your mantra.
2. No expectations.
3. Detach. His actions don't affect your mood. Take back your power.
4. Avoid the "Feel & React". I think this approach is what drives most situations from hopeful to hopeless. Nothing he says or does requires an immediate response so keep that in mind and learn how to validate and respond without inputting your opinion.
5. GAL
Oh and takes care of those kids! I bet they are a fun bunch!
Thank you, this whole thing has really got me in a bad place and make me act like a crazy person. I am also having a hard time controlling my thoughts and not thinking about this all day and night. When I went to the store today all I could do was cry. But right now I rather cry in front of strangers then in front of him
Read about the Stop Sign technique in Divorce Remedy. Great technique to learn how to control your thoughts!
When my thoughts (and therefore emotions, attitudes, and actions) went downhill I envision a big red stop sign. Then I picture myself cruising down the Lake of the Ozarks about 25 mph, 85 degrees out, the sun is almost ready to start going down, there's a slight breeze just enough to make the water sparkle in front of me, I have a cold beer in my hand, the music up, and I'm on my way to a damn good time at a bar or restaurant.
Just typing that out I feel pretty darn good.
Does anyone have experience were the EA is with a co worker. Does it seem harder to end/lasts longer when they see the person all day every day? Also since he is still living in the house do I say hi or anything when he comes home before he goes down stairs or just let him go?
I am going to get the DB book today. I feel like this is eating me alive.
If you are only going to buy one, I would buy DR rather than DB.
I was reading as many books as I could. I never wanted to be in the same sitch again:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094
Also since he is still living in the house do I say hi or anything when he comes home before he goes down stairs or just let him go?
Treat him like a cat. Wait until he approaches you. Treat him like you would a cashier. Pleasant but not personal.
Find your inner happiness. Always be happy in his presence. Fake it until you make it.
Does anyone have experience were the EA is with a co worker. Does it seem harder to end/lasts longer when they see the person all day every day? Also since he is still living in the house do I say hi or anything when he comes home before he goes down stairs or just let him go?
In general, the EAP is insignificant. The dopamine deluge your H is getting from the EA is why he is addicted. Whether the EAP is in the same house, or half a world away won't dictate the length or strength of the EA. However, focusing on it is a dead-end because you have no control over it.
Be cordial and friendly, but do not initiate contact. If he greets you, greet him cheerfully and happily back. Remember, your goal right now is to back off, and remove all pressure and pursuit.
Wish I couldn't provide any insight, but here I am. I had an EA with a co-worker, turned into full blown PA, I pretty much vilified my wife, my marriage, everything that involved her. I thought and felt all the things your H is now, and its all crap by the way. My sitch is crazy/different than most I have came across, I was coming out of the fog, trying to break it off, seeing the A and AP for what it was when my W found out, so I had almost a year in the affair without my W knowing that I was having an affair and just thought it was our marriage and me being unhappy with the marriage and her. We reconciled for about 7 months, but not the way we should have and then she started an EA, which turned into a PA, and we are now separated. Crazy as it sounds, before this, we were a zero drama couple, never anything like this at all.
Back to your question though, yes it makes it harder to escape from it, it makes no contact impossible. Depending on the OW's personality it just gets drug out, I said some mean things to tell the OW that I wanted out, to leave me alone, that I wasn't leaving my wife, but none of them worked, she was selfish and controlling, and she wasn't going to give up what she wanted eaisly. Most of the time I would do this on a Thursday or Friday, block her on everything I could, and by Monday she was in my office telling me how horrible I was, how I ruined her life, how I was the worst person she had ever met because I lied to her. I was already dealing with guilt and shame, so then I would resume some type of contact, which would just lead back to things going back to the way they were. I knew I was screwing up, I knew I was in the wrong, but it was also hard to give up those feelings, that "high" I felt, feeling all those things I wasn't feeling at home.
If I wouldn't have worked with her I seriously don't think the EA would have turned into a PA, and I don't think the affair would have lasted so long. When I would make a break, even over a weeklong vacation with my family, zero contact with her, once I walked back into work it was the same song and dance from her, anger and then guilt trip, and I would get dragged back in. Don't mistake that for me making an excuse for my actions or his, but it is difficult to make the break and even harder when you can't escape them. Even when I was trying to break it off I still thought the OW was my "true love" I kept thinking that I was giving up happiness to stay in my marriage, but that was all based in lies, and fantasy of what the relationship really was. I didn't find this website and all the information I have until my wife started her EA or I think our situation would have turned out different.
As much as I hate thinking about how I acted and treated my wife during the affair, I do know her saying hi or being nice turned me off, I was so sure she was the cause of all my pain that I vilified everything she said or did. So I say let him go without saying anything unless he offers a hello to you.
I know most of the stuff I typed is pretty depressing, the only thing I can say, and that I have to remind myself of constantly is these feelings the WAS has during the beginning of the A will change, I could not think clearly or see reality, but once I did, I was done with the situation, but that doesn't mean I didn't create a lot of hurt along the way.
My situation is different because my H moved out and I didn't find out about the OW until recently. I don't know who she is but I suspect she is someone he works with as well. I ended up filing for D a couple of weeks ago for financial reasons and because I'm not okay with him cake eating. He doesn't get to have a girlfriend while I am plan B in case things don't work out with her. I think it's serious now because he went from saying he needed time to he's done.
Took me 8 months to get to this place though. If it makes you feel better I don't think my WAH is happy. He's drinking heavily, has to work a 2nd job to pay CS (I'm about to hit him with alimony as well) and his new life, one kid disowned him, one barely talks to him, and the other sees him maybe 1 day a week in pieces. My kids (almost adults) say his pride and ego are at stake now. He is too far gone to turn back now (he doesn't know they know about the OW) I still have hope but its likely to take years before he comes out of this fog. I figure we can always reconcile later so I'm good.
Hang in there.
To be clear I had to file. He moved out and until the lease was up he was paying all my bills. I was forced to get my own place 2 months ago and the verbal agreement was he would pay me more. He did not. Previously I let him talk me out of a temporary support agreement hearing so now I was stuck. No court orders = doesn't have to pay. I was in the middle of trying to figure out what to do about this when I found out about the OW. Decided to go ahead and file to protect myself financially. It could take years to finalize the actual divorce.
Thank you for sharing your situation. It is helpful. Are you saying you think my H's EA is more serious now because he now says he is done or yours said that? Either way it's not a good spot to be I
Thank you for some insight from the other side it is helpful. It does seem like every time he tried to break it off it started right back up within a day or 2 back at work and he started pursuing her even more, the more she says she is backing off for him to figure out what he wants, which makes him want her more and why I am almost sure he is continuing things at work even though he said this time he was going to try to take a break. I think all of it just fuels his fantasy even more and makes it seem even more that he is "in love" in his mind and she is perfect. Part of me almost just wants to say go ahead and pursue a relationship with her in the hope he would see that see is not perfect, but I know that would not be the case
hi alrose,
hang in there!!
just wanted to say I know how you feel-- is it totally unfair and awful. Know that there are so many of us here in the same place as you and rooting for you.
Read the DR/DB book when it comes, and focus on yourself and your kids. Being a mom to five kids-- you are already a superhero and you totally have what it takes!! Be strong, be with your children and be there for yourself.
It is defiantly not perfect, but it takes time to see when you are so caught up in the moment. It's a feeling that you haven't felt in years and its addicting. My W and I met right out of high school, neither one of us had ever dated anyone else, that was just over 16 years ago. All the stresses of going through college, having kids, building careers, houses, changing jobs, working hard to get student loans paid off, and just making everything but each other a priority lead to arguments, resentment, and a feeling of unhappiness. So when someone else gives you attention and makes you feel things you haven't felt in a long time, you start to make your self believe its better, your real love, that you deserve someone who makes you feel that way, and it is all fantasy. I remember how I felt and it's a daily battle to remind myself that my W is in the same stage, is saying and doing a lot of the same things I did, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I really wasn't the pursuer in my stich, the OW was always the one who would pursue me; talk, text, flirty, change what she expected out of me, because she didn't want it to end and let it go. In my case, it actually took her saying she was really attracted to me before I ever even realized there was anything there. I thought she was just someone I could confide in and get advice, and the flirting was a nice feeling. I was 33, married, a little overweight, with 4 kids, and she was 24, didn't figure it was a concern that she was actually pursuing me, also made me enjoy the attention more than I should have. But I also didn't put up the walls I should have because I didn't think it was an issue and I really never had thoughts about cheating on my wife or leaving my marriage, but those feelings once started are strong and like everything says I became driven by emotion and not logic.
My W told me 2 months before leaving that she didn't know what to do, that she had never felt this way about anyone but me, asked me how long before those feelings stopped, that she didn't want to talk to him but sometimes it was all she wanted to do. and at that point she had only met him 45 days before. Its a powerful, powerful feeling.
I would follow DB rules I wish I would have found this resource before my affair, definitely after it, and before I did all the wrong things to push my W harder into her affair. I definitely wouldn't tell him and to pursue a relationship unless you are ready for him to do so, he'll see that as a free pass, and these feeling do not go away quickly, reality will come, but usually not quickly.
listen to these guys, read sandi post, it may be about a wayward wife, but I can personally tell you that it all applied to me, it is like she was writing about me. I wish I could give better advice and make better points, I seem to ramble on a lot. If my wife you have followed the things here when I was in my EA and even during my PA it would have made me take notice, she begged and pleaded what was wrong, it just pushed me away. All I had to do was give her a little attention or whatever and she was head over heels happy and it gave me more space to do what I wanted, I controlled the situation. It was a little different because she didn't know I was having an affair, deep down she probably did, but she didn't push or acknowledge it.
Thank you, it sounds like the feelings for the most part that my H is having for her are in line with what you felt. It is a very scary feeling that he doesn't even want to stay for the kids and that he is ok with only seeing them one day a week and every other weekend, because he has no desire to work anything out, and feels divorce or just co parenting well he sees her after his "6 month break" from her (i said he could stay in the basement if he takes a 6 month break from her including no talking at work) are a better option for him. Right now I just pray (well being realistic that he probably isn't) that he doing what he says and will start to see his family as the better option. In the meantime I just am telling myself the way he is acting and his attitude are not the man I need nor what the kids need and we can be happy again.
Has anyone elses H or W went from saying they could never picture not seeing their kids every day to saying it will be fine and that's how a lot of families are and I'm (He) is ok with it, because they fell life will be better with the OP so they will make up for the lose
That was a huge thing that kept me from separating from my wife when I was in the affair, I'm hugely involved with my girls. I always helped at bed and bath time, almost every morning got them ready(asked my W to lay clothes out was about it), always did drop off and pickup, got up with them at night when they were babies. So it was a major, major hand up for me. The flip side was the OW telling me that I would be a better father if I was a happy father, that kids are resilient, on and on. But in that state of mind the wayward will change all their values, morals, beliefs, everything(I did, my wife is now). One thing I never did was ever assume or say I would give up 50/50 custody, its what I have now, even in the height of my affair and thinking divorce was the answer I always wanted my kids, I just thought getting joint custody was one negative to all the positives I falsely thought I was going to get.
During my affair when I was talking and pushing separation/divorce she always brought up the kids, not as pawns, but as telling me that they would be devastated, that they shouldn't have to deal with all the tragedies and heartbreak because we couldn't figure stuff out, that we owed it to our children to make our marriage work, and so forth, I believed in that, but I did temporarily start to change my opinion, and so on. Then she turned around did the same thing, I used the same arguments, but in my W own words, "I'm going to be selfish and pick my happiness", of course her OM is divorced (twice), kids live 4 hours away and he rarely sees them, but she was heavily influenced with his "great" advice.
Anyway, very common justification I have read on the board, plus I used it for a while, then my wife did. The affair fog, limerence, addiction, whatever name you call it is powerful and changes a lot about a person, a lot.
I don't know because it didn't happen, but if my wife would have started making family outing plans without me, taking off and doing her own thing(GAL), and stuff like that I think it would have made a major difference, because I definitely was a cake eater. Best of both worlds or whatever.
Would it be better then to not invite him when I plan on taking the kids some place then? I invited him with us today and he said yes but when we got here he went with our oldest and I am with the rest in different parts of the building. He is definitely a have my cake and eat it too person now. He is living at home and gets to play family with the kids well seeing her at work and still saying he wants a divorce in 6 months. Would it also be better to ask him to stay at his friend's so a while so he can see what it would be like, or at this point that wouldn't make a difference. He seems to not care when I am out at all because that is what he wants and before this I would do my own things because he never wanted to come. What about asking if he wants to come Christmas shopping with me I had planned to do it any ways and when I mentioned it the other day he said he is fine with things like as friends
It wont let me edit my reply but wanted to say another problem is he is encouraging me to get out with friends, but not to the point of encouraging me to see other people. He said God will send me some one of and when the time is right. (Part of him wants to believe God sent the OW to him)
So I posted my story in "affair fog, MLC or true love" but brief summary, my H and I have been married 12 years together almost 15 we have 5 small kids. Things have been bad off and on for the past 2 years and worse over the last 5 months. I found out beginning of Oct. My H was having an EA with a coworker and says he is in love with her but says that came after he already wanted to leave me. Fast forward through all the things I did that I shouldn't have (beg, pled, threatened, R talks). He is staying in our basement right now because he says he cannot afford a D right now (says he has no desire to work on our M)and says he has broken things off with the OW and only talks to her if needed for work (they work in a small office so he sees her most days all day) this was on the advice from another coworker that he should calm things down at home and figure out coparenting before being our drama into his R with the OW.
So 2 questions, I know that in an A you cant trust anything they say, but if he really broke things off which it appears they have at least all the out of work things( the A started in August, so only a couple of months, but involved hugging, kissing and cuddling), how long based on others experience before the fog starts to lift given the fact that he still does have some contact with her.
2nd question, when we are both home is comes upstairs and hangs out this weekend he helped cook lunches and dinners and has been helping around the house and is friendly. It's like it was before the EA and before he wanted a divorce just without the R so more like a good friendship. He is at the stage of encouraging me to get out of the house and do things for myself and I should move on. And he joked last night that he thinks that I should be with one of our friends (his ex brother in law) since we all already get along and the kids love him. What do I do in this situation I want things to be friendly for the kids but I want a M with my husband not a friendship.
Threads merged - please stick to one thread until 100 posts on the thread.
It is much easier to follow along that way.