https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2869737&page=11Married 28 years, 3 teenagers
BD: 3/31/2019
WAH moved out: 4/6/2019
I've been doing LRT for 3 months. Each got our own place a month ago. Prior to this he was paying CS only and all my bills. I was a SAHM for 15 years. I do have a ft job but can't support myself on it. I asked him how much he was going to pay after I moved and he gave me a low number and asked if it was enough. I was too stunned to respond so I didn't. He's been nice, doing home improvements at my house (I'm not there - S19 is), brings me firewood and gifts from work. This gave me hope and so I let the support ride. I kinda thought I'd have to file soon to protect me and our kids but hadn't decided anything when I found out about the OW. That made the decision easy.
I texted my attorney right after stating there was OW and that I wanted to file. I'd already filled out paperwork when I hired her so she had the complaint done by that afternoon. I signed it today. She's filing on the grounds of adultery. I asked if I needed a PI to prove it before he got served and she said no. Said it's too late for him to go underground since it's already documented. S19 caught him but WAH doesn't know. We work with some of the same people so I have a witness here. She thought I knew. My attorney knows the witness too. She says infidelity is hard to prove but we can use the name as a scare tactic.
I'm now falling apart. Spinning, can't get over the part where he's got someone. He spent the past two days at home, in bed with her. I was doing so well and now I can't function and I NEED to function. I'm grasping at straws trying to stay positive about this. I could really use some encouraging words before I get fired. I'm not doing well.
Guess my title is too depressing. Doing a little better today at work at least. I did cook last night and paid my bills. Hard to function while accepting that my M is over.
I don't want to file but when I'm wondering if I can pay my bills then I have no choice.
kas you would enjoy this book, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide If you can listen to the audio version. Not a book recommended for those looking for reconciliation.
kas you would enjoy this book, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide If you can listen to the audio version. Not a book recommended for those looking for reconciliation.
I love her blog. She's great.
Okay let me try to be more positive.
Things I'm grateful for:
Have my kids full time
I have a great job
I rent a house in a safe, quiet neighborhood.
My rent is relatively cheap for the area
Did I mention my kids? lol
We've gotten closer
I have a newish car.
I live close to work.
I have great coworkers/friends
I have a great attorney who is looking out for me
She's mean even to me (in a good way). lol
I work for a court which led me to said attorney
Hi kas99. I'm sorry that what you love and cherish is ending, and that the old is ending. But there is a new chapter beginning. You can still have a great life ahead of you without being dependent on another person to fulfill it. I know that doesn't take away the rejection, the hurt and the pain, as well as 28 years of attachment. But don't ever let someone else's actions choices or expectations stop you from leading a beautiful life. as I am saying is I'm driving and I just passed a cross on the highway that said practice gratitude. I can see that you're doing that and it's a good thing to be grateful for what you do have. God is good all the time
Sending positive vibes your way, kas. Take one day at a time.
Good news - bad news
Bad news: My boss did some snooping for me. WAH got promoted. What a jerk. Paying me peanuts while his income went UP.
Good news: He got promoted and that means more money for ME.
I’m so angry. He got promoted right after he left. Cried poor mouth and I bought it. The reason he felt like crap was because his idiot friend coached him until the guilt went away. WAH knew what he’d done was wrong and it made him physically sick. Ah but he stayed firm to his decision but I think it still haunts him. All those secrets. All those lies. His own kids don’t know he has the position he’s wanted for 10 years.
I know now that he didn’t file because I hired an attorney instead of doing that do it yourself divorce crap that his idiot friend recommended. The gig was up and he knew it. Retreat. Retreat. He didn’t have doubts he didn’t want to pay me.
Hi Kas,
Sounds like you’re mind-reading again. He may be happy, he may be guilty. It’s a lot to swallow—OW, promotion, and not working himself to death as you’d been imagining. I hope you take care of yourself tonight—a walk, a nice meal, a warm bath. No rash actions you may regret—like negative talk to the kids.
Hi Kas,
Sounds like you’re mind-reading again. He may be happy, he may be guilty. It’s a lot to swallow—OW, promotion, and not working himself to death as you’d been imagining. I hope you take care of yourself tonight—a walk, a nice meal, a warm bath. No rash actions you may regret—like negative talk to the kids.
I bought food.
I so thought I had a chance to reconcile one day.
K,
You have to try to not go into catastrophic thinking mode. This changes nothing in regards to reconciliation some day. It’s all part of the process. You will most likely date others too. It took you 30 years to get into this and it’s not going to change in 8 months.
Take it one day at a time.
K,
You have to try to not go into catastrophic thinking mode. This changes nothing in regards to reconciliation some day. It’s all part of the process. You will most likely date others too. It took you 30 years to get into this and it’s not going to change in 8 months.
Take it one day at a time.
At work everyone says I’m stronger and they can see it. They are giving me high fives for taking charge of my finances by filing. I don’t feel strong. I feel sadness and grief.
In a weak moment I contacted the guy I was talking to 5 months ago. He was ready to jump back in. Say the word and he’d hop on the next plane to come see me. I’m not that person anymore though so I stopped. Thing is yes finding men to date is easy but good men are harder to find. I wallow in the part where I’ll never be in a relationship again. I’m not strong enough to do this again.
A day or so I asked if anyone thought WAH was clever and this all just proves he isn't smart at all. He has made every divorce mistake possible.
1) He moved out for 7 months leaving me with the kids full time and full access to everything including all the financial records.
2) He made more money. A lot more money in the past 12 months even before the promotion. I found this out 2 months ago when I prepared the financial disclosure for my attorney (I panicked when I couldn't get a lease on my own). I had no idea his income went up that much. Now this number will be what the judge uses for CS and alimony.
3) he gave S19 a key to his house.
4) had his girlfriend over for some afternoon delight. Twice (S19 needed to make sure he was right).
5) he got a 2nd job.
My rookie mistake was canceling the court date for temporary support but he makes more money now so I can live with this.
My state is a fault state meaning unless we both agree there isn't a no fault divorce. Never thought I'd need this information but I have it because of a friend. She wanted a divorce and he didn't. He then was able to stall the divorce because she had no grounds. She had no need for a temporary support hearing because they still lived together. He eventually signed the divorce papers after he wore her down (2 years) and got her to walk away with nothing.
I wondered why I couldn't get another temporary support hearing after I cancelled the first one. We don't have separation agreements here so my one shot for court ordered temporary support was based on abandonment (he moved out). By cancelling my emergency court date I essentially said I was fine and that door closed.
I'm filing for D yes but that doesn't automatically get me another emergency support hearing. I now have grounds AND abandonment so I will likely get one (fingers crossed). In my ultra conservative state they don't take to kindly to bread winning husbands who desert their families for another woman.
My attorney isn't very chatty so I'm having to do my own research. I wondered if WAH can stall the emergency support hearing by refusing to produce paycheck stubs. I don't think he can but I don't know for sure. Could probably get a continuance but not many. I work in a court and here you get ONE.
I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE.
Just so we're clear. I'm doing my homework to protect me and my kids. I'm writing in my journal. It helps.
I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE.
Just so we're clear. I'm doing my homework to protect me and my kids. I'm writing in my journal. It helps.
Hi Kas,
A journal is the perfect place to express negative thoughts, to protect your kids from the maelstrom you're going through. It must be tempting to call him an evil genius or not smart at all out loud! I hope you have a good weekend surrounded by your loved ones, as you await your emergency support hearing.
CW I can’t get a grip. Can’t get past the OW. My thoughts are strangling me as I imagine her taking the life we were supposed to have. The promotion, retirement, travel, etc. The “lunches” at his house. We used to do that and now it’s her. He looks good too and she has him.
On the flip side I have the kids full time. I am here. Everyday, every night. They love me. We are a team. The three of us. We have a cute little house that is slowly ever so slowly becoming home.
The pain is awful. He won. He gets it all. Yes I’m struggling.
The worst part? Knowing there is no hope. Ever. If it’s not her it will be someone else.
Kas,
All the LBS are here for you. Those are the exact thoughts that I spiral into and fight against too.
Your DB / MR hopes and dreams have died. You are grieving all over again. Take your time and expect that you will go thru the stages of grieving.
No matter what happens I will divorce him. I will finish what I started and I will push to get it done quickly. Shouldn’t take more than 4-6 months tops unless he drags his feet. He just handed me the keys to a great settlement and I have to take it. I’ll never get this opportunity again and I for sure can’t trust him.
Definitely don’t trust him. Take the best settlement you can. I 2nd or 3rd reading up on chump lady. This is a really long process and it hurts. But once you are a bit removed, you will see how much better life is when you are not partnering up with a liar, and betrayer.
I still want to reconcile and ironically my best shot is to divorce him. This isn’t a threat, an ultimatum, it’s self preservation. It’s my dignity, my financial future, and honestly for my own sanity I need to do this for me. He was going to divorce me eventually anyway but doing it now on my terms gives me back my power. It is an act of respecting myself. I think in my case it shows weakness by allowing this situation to continue one day longer than necessary.
Do you want to reconcile with the man he is right now, or who he was?
Do you want to reconcile with the man he is right now, or who he was?
Neither. I'm the reason he left and I can't fix what needs to be fixed in 8 months. He was angry and resentful before and now he's with someone else. It's unlikely he will want to reconcile but I have read it takes 1-2 years to accept that it's over which is why I continue to have hope. My hope is for waaaayyy out and by then I'm certain I won't care. I'm grateful I do not have to see or talk to him. It helps.
I'm just struggling and in some terrible, unhealthy way believing in unicorns eases the pain just a teeny tiny bit. I know it's unlikely I just don't want to believe it.
My attorney didn't get the complaint so I resent it this morning. She's filing today and says I got a good judge. I have the same judge I had from before when she postponed my temporary support court date. So grateful she didn't cancel it now.
WAH has made so many mistakes to the point where I'm wondering what happened to his brain. He honestly thought that since I got a job his financial obligation to me would end or would be nominal. I remember back in those first few days when he tried to do handshake deals as if we were still a couple. He offered to pay my rent forever, a year in advance he said. He'd even furnish it for me (how generous). He said there was no such thing as alimony in our state (wrong). I mumbled something about him being wrong, that I needed an attorney and he moved out 2 days later.
He was so close to getting away with all of this since I was trying to "nice" him back. D17 jokes "if it wasn't for those meddling kids" from Scooby Doo since S19 is the one that found about the OW.
I don't think WAH has any idea he's about to be served. I think he assumed it would be him, on his time, when he was ready.
I think what was his plan when he realized it wasn't going to go his way? Put this off? Wait for me file? It's crazy I've read these stories of WAS's wanting a D but not doing anything about it. I never understood it until now. Until he wants to get married this setup works quite nicely for him.
It's crazy I've read these stories of WAS's wanting a D but not doing anything about it. I never understood it until now. Until he wants to get married this setup works quite nicely for him.
Hi Kas,
I was happy when my ex-wife didn't file. I would have been happy if my ex-wife did file. I just didn't want to spend my time and energy "finalizing a divorce". I didn't need closure. Finalization had no benefits for me. My ex-wife at times thought I was opposed to finalization, and lost interest when she saw I didn't care.
It sounds like you're pushing this to help secure your finances. That, or getting closure, are great reasons. You say you're getting less than guidelines and such situations shouldn't be allowed to stand. Good for you fixing it. Just don't be too disappointed if he's not upset and doesn't react emotionally to this.
D17 jokes "if it wasn't for those meddling kids" from Scooby Doo since S19 is the one that found about the OW.
D17 believes S19 discovering Dad moved on with OW was bad for Dad?
That sounds like your narrative.
Negativity.
It sounds like you're pushing this to help secure your finances. That, or getting closure, are great reasons. You say you're getting less than guidelines and such situations shouldn't be allowed to stand. Good for you fixing it. Just don't be too disappointed if he's not upset and doesn't react emotionally to this.
Right now he's operating under the "I'll pay what I want to" plan. I think you or AS told me it doesn't work like that. He's going to be upset but only over money and the part where it says "adultery". He wants to keep his money and his reputation in tact. I've got a coworker who says she can find out the OWs name if I want her to.
I'm ready to be done with this.
CW I can’t get a grip. Can’t get past the OW. My thoughts are strangling me as I imagine her taking the life we were supposed to have. The promotion, retirement, travel, etc. The “lunches” at his house. We used to do that and now it’s her. He looks good too and she has him.
Deep breaths Kas
It's highly unlikely it's all sunshine and rainbows for H and OW. And even if it is, it's probably just limerence. You're doing the right thing making a move to protect yourself, and letting your L run the show. Now just try and relax and let the process work. I have a feeling you'll come out of this in pretty good shape and your H will feel like he got kicked in the groin by Jackie Chan.
On the flip side I have the kids full time. I am here. Everyday, every night. They love me. We are a team. The three of us. We have a cute little house that is slowly ever so slowly becoming home.
Exactly, plenty to be thankful for!
You have wonderful kids and he has some sleazy woman that sleeps with married men. Who won?
I think what was his plan when he realized it wasn't going to go his way? Put this off? Wait for me file? It's crazy I've read these stories of WAS's wanting a D but not doing anything about it. I never understood it until now. Until he wants to get married this setup works quite nicely for him.
Who knows, but if you want me to guess then I would say his plan went like this:
1. Make a ridiculous lowball offer while hiding as many assets as possible, hope W accepts quickly and quietly
2. Hide OW, keep dangling the carrot of hope out there so W will agree to lowball offer
3. Darn it W didn't accept lowball offer, time for new plan
4. New plan- quit pushing for D, go into hiding, hope W just forgets the whole thing and sits back quietly while I pay out as little monthly as possible. Hope that OW doesn't get pushy about making me pursue D. Do favors for W to dangle that carrot of hope out there to keep her compliant
When he gets served, he is going to lose his sh**. Expect some combination of ranting, raving, crying, apologizing and negotiating (probably in a looping pattern). Get used to saying: "have your L contact my L to discuss that".
See I’m starting to get mad. He really should have hidden the OW better. I don’t know what he was thinking since he had it made. Money, OW and me out of his life. This will sting because even the lower number is likely to leave a mark because his bills are too high. Divorce means unless you’re loaded your lifestyle drops. His already has but it was going to get better once he no longer had to pay my bills.
See I’m starting to get mad. He really should have hidden the OW better. I don’t know what he was thinking since he had it made. Money, OW and me out of his life.
He got complacent. Happens a lot. The WAS goes to great efforts to hide their activities initially, then over time they get more and more complacent thinking they have everyone snowed. Then they get busted. If you had confronted him you would have gotten lies and gaslighting (and you probably still will once he gets served).
This will sting because even the lower number is likely to leave a mark because his bills are too high. Divorce means unless you’re loaded your lifestyle drops. His already has but it was going to get better once he no longer had to pay my bills.
It sounds like you are doing this to get some revenge? Just make sure you're in it to protect yourself, that should be your goal. Honestly who cares whether it hurts him or not. His circus, his monkeys (I forget who's saying that is, R2C maybe? I love that one though!)
Deep breaths Kas
It's highly unlikely it's all sunshine and rainbows for H and OW. And even if it is, it's probably just limerence. You're doing the right thing making a move to protect yourself, and letting your L run the show. Now just try and relax and let the process work. I have a feeling you'll come out of this in pretty good shape and your H will feel like he got kicked in the groin by Jackie Chan.
The nausea is bad. I read about limerance yesterday when I could barely get off the couch. Said these things aren't near as much fun once the relationship is "legal". Yes we are still married but I know, I filed and I'm taking half. She can have him.
You have wonderful kids and he has some sleazy woman that sleeps with married men. Who won?
He's playing super dad with S19 oblivious that he likely won't have the money to restore a car for some father/son bonding time.
Who knows, but if you want me to guess then I would say his plan went like this:
1. Make a ridiculous lowball offer while hiding as many assets as possible, hope W accepts quickly and quietly
2. Hide OW, keep dangling the carrot of hope out there so W will agree to lowball offer
3. Darn it W didn't accept lowball offer, time for new plan
4. New plan- quit pushing for D, go into hiding, hope W just forgets the whole thing and sits back quietly while I pay out as little monthly as possible. Hope that OW doesn't get pushy about making me pursue D. Do favors for W to dangle that carrot of hope out there to keep her compliant
I'm not trying to brag but I'm smarter than he is. I was never going to accept the lowball offer in the D. My attorney practically yelled at me not to sign anything without her seeing it (wasn't going to). I took the lowball offer while he paid all my bills and I had hope. He might have gotten away with it for a few more months but I would have been forced to file soon to avoid status quo.
When he gets served, he is going to lose his sh**. Expect some combination of ranting, raving, crying, apologizing and negotiating (probably in a looping pattern). Get used to saying: "have your L contact my L to discuss that".
I don't think I'll hear from him. He's going to be PISSED though.
AS he doesn't know how strong I am now. Yes this kills me but I will do what I have to do.
He got complacent. Happens a lot. The WAS goes to great efforts to hide their activities initially, then over time they get more and more complacent thinking they have everyone snowed. Then they get busted. If you had confronted him you would have gotten lies and gaslighting (and you probably still will once he gets served).
He lives in a cove with lots of cars on the street. She was there at high noon and it was super cold and rainy. The odds of him getting caught that day were slim. He gave S19 a key and he used it (at high noon) to go visit our cats. WAH doesn't know S19's college schedule.
Still complacent though. Makes sense. It's dumb but I get it. WAH will wonder how I found out.
I
t sounds like you are doing this to get some revenge? Just make sure you're in it to protect yourself, that should be your goal. Honestly who cares whether it hurts him or not. His circus, his monkeys (I forget who's saying that is, R2C maybe? I love that one though!)
I'm having a bad day. I'm about to sue who I thought was my best friend for 30 years. I don't want to do this. I don't want to go after his money. I have no choice and yes I post revenge rants as a coping mechanism. Kinda like laughing at a funeral. I mean nothing by it. This one of the saddest things I've ever had to do.
D17 jokes "if it wasn't for those meddling kids" from Scooby Doo since S19 is the one that found about the OW.
I have no choice and yes I post revenge rants as a coping mechanism. Kinda like laughing at a funeral. I mean nothing by it. This one of the saddest things I've ever had to do.
This is terrible. Your best friend has left for months, maybe years, maybe for good. This is a great place to share revenge rants. Your D17, though, seems to believe S19's discovery of the OW is going to lead to problems for your ex-husband. That implies she's heard or intuited you'll seek revenge. I don't know if that what you're going for with the new low-negativity Kas who's been impressing them lately.
I think you or AS told me it doesn't work like that.
Absolutely! I did, and I'm glad you're taking him to court to get what you deserve.
There are guidelines for this stuff.
I don't think I'll hear from him. He's going to be PISSED though.
You don't think so? Does he have an "avoidant" personality?
AS he doesn't know how strong I am now. Yes this kills me but I will do what I have to do.
I am sure you are right, WAS's indulge in all kinds of fantasies including a smooth, trouble-free, cheap, fast D. You're prepared and have been preparing. I doubt he has.
I'm having a bad day. I'm about to sue who I thought was my best friend for 30 years. I don't want to do this. I don't want to go after his money. I have no choice and yes I post revenge rants as a coping mechanism. Kinda like laughing at a funeral. I mean nothing by it. This one of the saddest things I've ever had to do.
I get that, we all deal with it in different ways! Thanks for the explanation. I just don't want to see you lose yourself in pessimism, but if venting here gives you a better PMA in real life then go for it! Yes, definitely sad and painful to go through. Terrible stuff. For me 8 years later (post BD) it all just seems like a bad dream, kind of fuzzy. I don't remember a lot of the details as we talked about before, and in fact I have completely avoided re-reading my old posts which I think is my personal coping mechanism. I remember when I was going through it and people would tell me that some day I would get over it I always thought "oh man no way, this level of pain I'm experiencing is going to leave me scarred for life, I'll never be normal again." But they were right, I grieved, I recovered, I moved on and I am content and happy again. Anyway I'm just trying to say that even though it is terrible right now, hopefully some day you'll be able to look back on this with the same kind of detachment I do.
[quote=kas99]
I am sure you are right, WAS's indulge in all kinds of fantasies including a smooth, trouble-free, cheap, fast D.
That's what my W thought when she BD'ed me. One of the 1st things I asked her, because of all the financial mess I've been trying to recover from, was ... how the heck are we even going to afford a D? She said "It's very cheap, it only costs a few hundred dollars". Wow.
She also didn't think I was going to get a L, but since she served me, I had no other choice. Interesting that you think this is a common pattern. I think she thought she was going to keep walking all over me.
CW if it makes you feel better D17 told me to shut up. Quickly I might add. She’s the most positive person I know so she refuses to put up with my negativity plus I’ve asked her to call me out when I do it. I am trying to change. This is gut wrenching and I’m still working hard to focus on having my kids full time, no debt, and good friends when I would rather give up because it’s hard.
I need to stop the rants. They aren’t helping. Better I post sadness than revenge. I want to be a positive person. I am sad and revenge no matter how or why I say it will never make me feel better. I’m really trying I think I’m failing miserably though especially now
You don't think so? Does he have an "avoidant" personality?
Yes it was the source of many marital problems. Last time I had him served he went dark.
I am sure you are right, WAS's indulge in all kinds of fantasies including a smooth, trouble-free, cheap, fast D. You're prepared and have been preparing. I doubt he has.
No I think you are right this isn't about me it's about HIM. He is living in a fantasy of getting D by next Tuesday for $250. I've read so much. Just yesterday I was reading divorce cases that were appealed in my state. I don't think I can prepare for D because I'm not an attorney but I'm doing everything I know to do like saving money.
I have completely avoided re-reading my old posts which I think is my personal coping mechanism. I remember when I was going through it and people would tell me that some day I would get over it I always thought "oh man no way, this level of pain I'm experiencing is going to leave me scarred for life, I'll never be normal again." But they were right, I grieved, I recovered, I moved on and I am content and happy again. Anyway I'm just trying to say that even though it is terrible right now, hopefully some day you'll be able to look back on this with the same kind of detachment I do.
I don't want to read mine either now. It's hard to imagine I'll ever feel normal again. Last night D17 and I were watching season 2 of "the end of the effing world". Its dark, twisted and yet hysterical if you don't take it seriously. We were both laughing so hard we were crying. I needed that.
That's what my W thought when she BD'ed me. One of the 1st things I asked her, because of all the financial mess I've been trying to recover from, was ... how the heck are we even going to afford a D? She said "It's very cheap, it only costs a few hundred dollars". Wow.
She also didn't think I was going to get a L, but since she served me, I had no other choice. Interesting that you think this is a common pattern. I think she thought she was going to keep walking all over me.
I'd just gotten a job and WAH said "I think we can financially swing it now" like we were buying a new car. Lets download some forms off the internet and we can have this done over lunch. Maybe we can file it ourselves and yes it's only a few hundred.
Um try a few THOUSAND. In terms of preparation I'm planning on $10k in legal fees. We don't have minor children so I think this number is reasonable. I will push for a trial if he gets ridiculous or tries to drag this out. I've saved over half of this and will make payments to my attorney for the rest if needed.
WAH hasn't saved for legal fees or done any planning. I might be jinxing myself. I'm pretty sure I will get more money and the adultery thing isn't going to go over well but there are no guarantees.
The whole "we can financially swing it now" was when he thought he would just make up the difference on my bare bones, ramen noodle budget while his life remains relatively unchanged. I played along with this for a while but my attorney would have never let me do that. She's mean to me. lol
Are you in a fault state where adultery is illegal? I wish I lived in one of those states...
Are you in a fault state where adultery is illegal? I wish I lived in one of those states...
Yep totally illegal. He can’t even get a divorce without grounds unless I agree to it. I live in true fault state.
He’d get a divorce eventually of course but without grounds I could drag it out for years (or he could). Adultery bypasses all that. I get a divorce regardless of what he wants.
I wonder if my estimated legal fees are good. The average divorce costs $15k but we have no minor children and own nothing. It’s all going to come down to alimony. He has a pension plan but they don’t honor court orders so I’ll have to put it in the decree that I get half of whatever he gets. I’m thinking $10k is high but I prefer to err on the side of caution.
Hi Kas, yes, $10k total is reasonable if you two just plan to get what you're due (a settlement). Myself and two friends paid less. I also have a family member who paid $100,000+ to fight for more (court).
Based on the stories I knew eventually I’d have to file only because he wouldn’t. I assumed by the time that happened I’d be further out. Never thought I’d be pushing for D within 8 months
I keep thinking he would file once he moved and got the bills paid off. No?
The mornings are the worst. I can go to bed fine and I wake up imagining how happy he is. How like CW says he will be grateful that I'm doing all the legwork for him. How he's DONE he's just not in any hurry to finalize it. WAH doesn't like paperwork and I have all the financial records.
I know I sound pathetic (please be nice) but I still want to reconcile. Not now - oh heck no. I have too much self respect to take him back now. Until I'm over him I'm not ready and he's not ready until he fully experiences single life (a veteran here said this and I agree).
Right now he has all the power. Money, me waiting for him and the OW. I don't like this. Finalizing the D balances the power (somewhat)
Here is the thing that bothers me the most. I read the after D stories and it seems like the happiest are the ones are partnered back up. I'm so jealous that WAH had the time to meet someone while I did everything at home. He now has someone he can text, hook up with on lunch breaks, gets to be loved, he's done the hard work (finding someone) already. He didn't ever have to be ALONE.
Could I "date"? Sure but at what cost? My kids need me now more than ever. I'm angry that he gets to have it all while the rest us had our lives turned upside down.
Big hugs to you Kas , you need to take your focus OFF him , I am sure you have read this many times in other threads. The good news is that a WAH is much more likely to R . Heard use the time wisely? MWD has it in her book . If he does R and you haven’t grown , you will end up in the same spot years from now . I know none of this is easy BUT you can do it . This is where proper GAL comes in , nows the time to shine , it comes from the inside and shines out
Ps the strongest growth comes from the worst set backs , you gonna crawl up and wither or you coming back stronger? It’s a choice and hardest to do when your life has had the rug ripped out underneath BUT you can do it !!
Here is the thing that bothers me the most. I read the after D stories and it seems like the happiest are the ones are partnered back up. I'm so jealous that WAH had the time to meet someone while I did everything at home. He now has someone he can text, hook up with on lunch breaks, gets to be loved, he's done the hard work (finding someone) already. He didn't ever have to be ALONE.
Could I "date"? Sure but at what cost? My kids need me now more than ever. I'm angry that he gets to have it all while the rest us had our lives turned upside down.
Kas, you're looking at this all wrong. My wife left me 3 months ago for someone else and I have had all of those same thoughts. But 3 months of being alone and learning to care for myself and "self-soothe" has taught me that I am doing far better than she is now. I do not NEED anyone in my life to pick up my emotional slack, and neither do you.
He obviously HAS to have someone in order to feel what he would define as "complete" -- successful DB'ing is getting to the point that you do not have to have anyone in your life to be content and happy. Just yourself.
This is what this entire process has taught me, and I am so much of a better man now because of it. Once you make the changes you need to make and get through this process, I promise you will be so much better off when you come to the same realization. Just keep hanging in there and quit feeling like you need a band-aid like he does. Let the wounds truly HEAL.
True happiness and contentment come when you learn to be happy and content alone. Then if you feel you want to share your life with someone else, that's when you start to date again. You should not date to find happiness and contentment. This is where so many people get it wrong.
Kas, you're looking at this all wrong. I do not NEED anyone in my life to pick up my emotional slack, and neither do you. He obviously HAS to have someone in order to feel what he would define as "complete" -- successful DB'ing is getting to the point that you do not have to have anyone in your life to be content and happy. Just yourself.
I've got a mental block somehow because this is messing with my head. He left 8 months ago and I've done enough DB'ing that I don't need anyone and honestly I don't want anyone either. I wanted the band-aid when he first left yes but I don't now. I've got a good job, great friends, and my kids. I don't want to take anything off my plate right now.
My fear is once my kids are grown I'll be a spinster. He got out there while he still looks good. I'll be 60 by the time I'm done parenting. Who will be interested in a 60 year old woman??
My fear is once my kids are grown I'll be a spinster. He got out there while he still looks good. I'll be 60 by the time I'm done parenting. Who will be interested in a 60 year old woman??
Hi Kas, I'm going to apologize in advance, because I know this sounds flippant--a 60 year old man?! You can check dating demographics in your state. Maybe near you 60 year-old women date men 65-70.
75 percent of women and 81 percent of men in their 50s experience a serious, exclusive relationship after a divorce.
According to the National Institute of Health, only between 15 percent and 25 percent of men over 65 have erectile dysfunction severe enough to preclude intercourse.
As the other posts say, less focus on whether your ex-husband is doing great or miserably, more focus on your amazing journey and all you've achieved. It's in there. I hear it sometimes! If you're particularly worried about dating in 10 years, pick at least one hobby where there's co-ed interest (dancing, swimming, cooking, scrabble, historic novels, birding, I dunno!) Imagine how great at it you'll be after 10 years.
Ps the strongest growth comes from the worst set backs , you gonna crawl up and wither or you coming back stronger? It’s a choice and hardest to do when your life has had the rug ripped out underneath BUT you can do it !!
I appreciate people listening to me whine. I've grown by leaps and bounds since he left. I was so proud of how far I'd come in such a short time.....but
I'm struggling because I just recently moved, found out he got that big promotion we'd dreamed about for so long and there is OW. And for added fun I filed for D yesterday that I will have to go through with. I can't cancel it no matter what happens (financial reasons) and I can't remarry. Ever. Not even to him. That would restart the clock and my 28 year marriage turns into something where he owes me nothing. Yeah I'm not doing that.
95% of the things we worry about never happen. You're too focused on the future and what MAY or MAY NOT happen.
As mentioned above, you need to work on yourself so that you are a better partner to ANYONE when the time comes.
One thing I've learned from my situation is that the healing doesn't start until you LET GO. Me and my W may reconcile or we may not but I know that I'll be a better partner for her if we work things out. If not, I'll take what I've learned to my next relationship.
One thing she said to me about a friend of hers who left her H: She was hoping that with time apart things would be different and he'd be willing to make changes when she came back. Well...he didn't and they have decided it won't work because he wasn't willing to work on himself and learn from his experiences.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Find a way to ground yourself when your mind is spinning. If you have the urge to post your feelings here I recommend giving it at least a few hours as I don't want this forum to be a crutch for you. You need to learn how to deal with your emotions.
Hi Kas, I'm going to apologize in advance, because I know this sounds flippant--a 60 year old man?! You can check dating demographics in your state. Maybe near you 60 year-old women date men 65-70.
I'm pouting because WAH looks better than when I married him. That whole grey tinged hair works for him and he's fit. D17 says he's ugly. She means no disrespect she means he married out of league. While this was true at some point I don't think it is now.
Hi Kas, I'm going to apologize in advance, because I know this sounds flippant--a 60 year old man?! You can check dating demographics in your state. Maybe near you 60 year-old women date men 65-70.
I'm pouting because WAH looks better than when I married him. That whole grey tinged hair works for him and he's fit. D17 says he's ugly. She means no disrespect she means he married out of league. While this was true at some point I don't think it is now.
Does thinking these thoughts help you or hurt you?
I know for 100% fact my wife is 1-2 points higher on the 10 point scale "looks" scale than I am. (Especially after she has lost a ton of weight, gotten her hair done nicely recently, gotten a boob job, gotten more fit)
Honestly does not matter. I know the next person I find will be more comparable to where I fall, but guess what -- I won't be getting with anyone that I am not attracted to. And I also will know the next person will actually love and care for me rather than just bail looking for the green grass.
Hi Kas, I'm going to apologize in advance, because I know this sounds flippant--a 60 year old man?! You can check dating demographics in your state. Maybe near you 60 year-old women date men 65-70.
I work in a small female office fueled by a male dominated one. There are plenty of age appropriate men here but the attractive ones are taken. By attractive I mean a man who isn't obese. I'm not picky but I don't like fat men. Dad bods are fine. Just now I met this really nice looking man that I'd been chatting with all week. Very likeable but has a wedding ring. I'm not looking for anyone I'm just observing.
Does thinking these thoughts help you or hurt you?
I know for 100% fact my wife is 1-2 points higher on the 10 point scale "looks" scale than I am. (Especially after she has lost a ton of weight, gotten her hair done nicely recently, gotten a boob job, gotten more fit)
Honestly does not matter. I know the next person I find will be more comparable to where I fall, but guess what -- I won't be getting with anyone that I am not attracted to. And I also will know the next person will actually love and care for me rather than just bail looking for the green grass.
I'm whining and no these thoughts hurt me. Looks don't matter to me. I'm a total nerd and everyone here knows it. I like numbers and statistics. I research everything for fun. I'm a wealth of knowledge both worthless and useful. I'm having these pointless conversations because 1) I'm no where near ready for a relationship and 2) I do not have time for one.
Again I'm just pouting.
95% of the things we worry about never happen. You're too focused on the future and what MAY or MAY NOT happen.
This is true I know.
One thing she said to me about a friend of hers who left her H: She was hoping that with time apart things would be different and he'd be willing to make changes when she came back. Well...he didn't and they have decided it won't work because he wasn't willing to work on himself and learn from his experiences.
Yes we'd both have to change otherwise nothing will change.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Find a way to ground yourself when your mind is spinning. If you have the urge to post your feelings here I recommend giving it at least a few hours as I don't want this forum to be a crutch for you. You need to learn how to deal with your emotions.
Once I made it 24 hours without posting. Didn't even post that much when I came back. It's rough now because my court date will be soon. I know I need to back off.
Big hugs to you Kas , you need to take your focus OFF him , I am sure you have read this many times in other threads. The good news is that a WAH is much more likely to R . Heard use the time wisely? MWD has it in her book . If he does R and you haven’t grown , you will end up in the same spot years from now . I know none of this is easy BUT you can do it . This is where proper GAL comes in , nows the time to shine , it comes from the inside and shines out
This is all true even the part where a WAH is more likely to R and if I don't grow he will just leave again. I was doing great GAL and using my time wisely. I crashed once I had to move (6 weeks ago). I lost my fight although my doctor and IC says I haven't she says it's just a setback. I won't have to start over.
Please be kind. I'm listening to all the advice and will pick myself back up. I have to. I've come to far to give up now. I filed for D yesterday. WAH will get served within days since unlike the other time he doesn't know it's coming. I gave him a heads up the last time and he ran from the process server. Not doing that again. I work with the process server so that's fun. He hasn't said anything to me but will once he gets the papers. I'll have to stop him from "keeping me posted" because no good can come from that. I need to as someone said "sit back and let my attorney manage the process". If I chat with the process server that isn't sitting back. I even rode with the guy the last time (what the heck was I thinking???) He didn't find WAH that day which was a blessing.
I'll have a court date within a week or so. Things move pretty fast here which is good I think. Just rip off that band aid and get this over with.
I'm struggling because I just recently moved, found out he got that big promotion we'd dreamed about for so long and there is OW.
Yeah that's a lot to digest! And you found all this out in a short amount of time. Of course you would struggle with that, anyone would, it's normal.
And for added fun I filed for D yesterday that I will have to go through with. I can't cancel it no matter what happens (financial reasons) and I can't remarry. Ever. Not even to him. That would restart the clock and my 28 year marriage turns into something where he owes me nothing. Yeah I'm not doing that.
Then don't get married. That doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful relationship though. You can date as little or as much as you want without affecting the court orders. Views on marriage are not what they once were, more and more people engage in serious R's without ever getting married. My GF and I have been dating 5 years now, I don't see us ever getting married. It could happen but it's not on the radar.
My fear is once my kids are grown I'll be a spinster. He got out there while he still looks good. I'll be 60 by the time I'm done parenting. Who will be interested in a 60 year old woman??
Well first of all, there's nothing wrong with staying single if that's what you choose. "Spinster" is kind of an antiquated term from a time where women stayed at home and took care of their H and kids, and if they lost their H then everyone saw them as having lost their purpose in life. In this day and age women have their own careers and lives even when married, so when they lose their husband people don't see them as weak and pathetic like the old days, because they're not. My X MIL's husband died about 10 years ago, she chose to stay single after. When I look at her I see a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman enjoying the hell out of her life.
Second, 60 in this day and age is not at all old. If you've taken care of yourself then at 60 you'll probably not be a lot different than when you were 40. You can date older men, you can date your age, you can date younger men. There aren't the "age limits" in society that there used to be. And you don't have to wait until the kids are grown and moved out. Sure it takes some schedule-juggling when you have kids, but if you want to date then you'll find a way!
Yeah that's a lot to digest! And you found all this out in a short amount of time. Of course you would struggle with that, anyone would, it's normal.
Just now reading your post I thought omg there is OW. Pain, pain, pain.
Then don't get married. That doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful relationship though.
It was kind of tongue in cheek because I meant if WAH and I reconciled I can't remarry him. Oddly I have read about people doing this. I'm not close to this woman but I think one of my employees has this type relationship with her ex. They don't live together but they are a couple.
Well first of all, there's nothing wrong with staying single if that's what you choose. When I look at her I see a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman enjoying the hell out of her life.
When this first started I joked I was just going to have an affair or a fling a no strings attached, FWB thing. I'm over that because all that was about was needing a band aid which I don't need now.
Second, 60 in this day and age is not at all old. If you've taken care of yourself then at 60 you'll probably not be a lot different than when you were 40. You can date older men, you can date your age, you can date younger men. There aren't the "age limits" in society that there used to be. And you don't have to wait until the kids are grown and moved out. Sure it takes some schedule-juggling when you have kids, but if you want to date then you'll find a way!
I look younger than I am and yes I have taken care of myself. I don't want to date I'm just upset that he is. I'm upset that I have to be alone and he doesn't. I'm upset that he's already found someone and I have to juggle my schedule if I want the same. I don't want the same it's just the principle of it. I get it though it says a lot about how insecure he is if he can't be alone. I couldn't either (at first) but i can now.
This week I had to coordinate some interviews with an attorney over phone/email. He's just one of those personable guys that in a day you're calling him by his first name (or maybe it's me I don't know). So he comes in today and I had to meet him face to face. I go up front and he's very nice looking and I call him by his first name. The girls up front were teasing me saying he had a "kas kinda vibe". I said he's very married, 2 teens, wife just went back to work, married.
I’m feeling better btw. I appreciate everyone’s help. Keeping me grounded. Staying with me hopefully until after my court date. This is a lifeline right now.
It was kind of tongue in cheek because I meant if WAH and I reconciled I can't remarry him. Oddly I have read about people doing this. I'm not close to this woman but I think one of my employees has this type relationship with her ex. They don't live together but they are a couple.
I knew a woman who did this with her H. They separated because they were driving each other crazy. Once separated, they started getting along really well again. They never did get divorced, they just decided to continue on with their relationship but live in two different houses, LOL! Hey it works for them. They've been doing that for like 6 or 7 years now!
I look younger than I am and yes I have taken care of myself. I don't want to date I'm just upset that he is. I'm upset that I have to be alone and he doesn't. I'm upset that he's already found someone and I have to juggle my schedule if I want the same. I don't want the same it's just the principle of it. I get it though it says a lot about how insecure he is if he can't be alone. I couldn't either (at first) but i can now.
I understand why you would be upset! I can't imagine he's in a healthy R with OW though. I bet things aren't as rosy with him as they might appear. I've just hear soooo many stories about "OP" relationships crashing and burning, including the one my XW was engaged in.
He hasn't been back to the house to do any repairs so that eliminates the keeping me compliant theory. He's moved onto spending every weekend night with S19 shopping online for a car to restore. S19 will buy the car and pay for the insurance but he doesn't have the money to restore it. WAH is paying off all the moving expenses while still being a big spender.
WAH was a big spender when we met. I was young, impressionable and thought he was financially well off. He drove a new car, had nice clothes, new furniture, dinners out, etc. I didn't marry him for money no I was actually the breadwinner for 10 years.
But I digress....shortly after we got married I found out he was in debt up to his eyeballs, credit cards and a car payment. I paid it all off. He went on to get us into more debt later. I paid that off too. I've gotten us out of debt three times. He's a big dreamer and I'm really good with money.
Anyway so I finally get why he had no intention of ever filing for divorce until he got forced to do it by OW or me. Its likely he will have to give me 50% of his disposable income which is only 30% of his gross so technically he could owe me even more since the dividends are still up for grabs. My attorney thinks they count but ultimately it's up the judge to decide. His adultery won't help his case.
He will be done with CS in 4 years so had he been able to put off D for a few years he would have come out on top. It was never going to happen but like I said he's a dreamer.
My attorney filed on Monday (supposedly - you know how these things are) and so far all is quiet. I don't think he's been served yet.
WAH was a big spender when we met. I was young, impressionable and thought he was financially well off. He drove a new car, had nice clothes, new furniture, dinners out, etc. I didn't marry him for money no I was actually the breadwinner for 10 years.
Have you ever read "The Millionaire Next Door"? He is what is referred to in the book as a "hyper consumer". Actual millionaires are typically very prudent people. They drive normal cars, they wear regular clothing, they live in your neighborhood. The hyper consumers on the other hand drive flashy cars, live in big houses, dress really nice and...
I found out he was in debt up to his eyeballs
...that. It's unlikely he will ever change his ways either. You rescued him more times than you should have!
Anyway so I finally get why he had no intention of ever filing for divorce until he got forced to do it by OW or me. Its likely he will have to give me 50% of his disposable income which is only 30% of his gross so technically he could owe me even more since the dividends are still up for grabs.
Yeah more than likely once he figured out you weren't going to sign off on his "easy" plan then he probably hunkered down and tried not to rock the boat anymore and hoped to go into a holding pattern where he pays you as little as possible. I mean no one knows what he's thinking, but that sounds right to me. It'll be interesting to see how he reacts when served.
I wonder if he quit coming by because he realized the cat's out of the bag with OW? Do you know if S said anything to him about seeing her car there?
Have you ever read "The Millionaire Next Door"? He is what is referred to in the book as a "hyper consumer". Actual millionaires are typically very prudent people. They drive normal cars, they wear regular clothing, they live in your neighborhood. The hyper consumers on the other hand drive flashy cars, live in big houses, dress really nice and...
Love this book. The rich live like they are poor and the poor live like they are rich. Never could get WAH to understand this.
...that. It's unlikely he will ever change his ways either. You rescued him more times than you should have!
He wants a life he can't afford. If I were to guess he's spending tomorrows money today. He will get a pension buyout but that is years out. Those minimum payments will add up quickly if it gets out of hand. Besides I'm going after half anyway.
Yeah more than likely once he figured out you weren't going to sign off on his "easy" plan then he probably hunkered down and tried not to rock the boat anymore and hoped to go into a holding pattern where he pays you as little as possible. I mean no one knows what he's thinking, but that sounds right to me. It'll be interesting to see how he reacts when served.
He hasn't paid me the big check since I moved. My gut tells me he's trying to figure out what's the least he can get away with. Go with the higher number when I might take the lower one? I never answered his email so he doesn't know where that line is. He continues to underestimate me but in his delusion still thinks he holds all the cards. Has all the power. I'm the pining away, lovesick LBS and he's the almighty I've got TWO women who want me. The ego is high with this one. He never in a million years thinks I will file first.
I wonder if he quit coming by because he realized the cat's out of the bag with OW? Do you know if S said anything to him about seeing her car there?
He wanted to see the inside of my house (this was one of my theories). He saw it and now he's done. He has no idea that any of us know about the OW. S19 has said nothing.
He's not completely wrong. I do want to reconcile and I'm afraid going through with the D closes that door forever. He does have all the power but that is about to change. I knew I'd be here one day, having to file but I assumed it would be a couple of years later not 8 months out. He won't be expecting this. Yesterday I read the divorce complaint imagining how he will react to it. I think shock, then anger, then oh crap as the reality of that word sinks in.
I changed my mind he will just be angry. I would imagine there might be a momentary cold chill once he realizes he's busted. He really screwed up. Not sure exactly when that realization will hit but it will hit.
Hi Kas, yes, $10k total is reasonable if you two just plan to get what you're due (a settlement). Myself and two friends paid less. I also have a family member who paid $100,000+ to fight for more (court).
Thanks. I missed this post. All we will debate is lifetime alimony and maybe his pension plan. It’s all what he owes me. I owe him nothing. Glad to know my number is a good guess. I’ve saved half.
successful DB'ing is getting to the point that you do not have to have anyone in your life to be content and happy. Just yourself.
True happiness and contentment come when you learn to be happy and content alone. Then if you feel you want to share your life with someone else, that's when you start to date again. You should not date to find happiness and contentment. This is where so many people get it wrong.
Was sitting at the table after dinner. Just sitting. All alone. S19 came and chatted but in that moment I thought I am okay alone. Completely and totally okay. Wow. Probably won’t be able to get it to stick yet but it is an amazing feeling. Such freedom.
......and it’s gone. Lol.
He paid the lower amount.
The pain will go away eventually right?
Yes. This too shall pass.
Just venting....
Seeing that check on the table this morning sent my thoughts downward. I know I’ve got a good case for more money I just don’t know how much since I don’t know what he makes now and the dividends are still undecided. I dreamed about being on the stand testifying that he is cheating which I can do it’s the part where I’d have to look at him. I dreamed I had to tell the court that our 19 year old caught him because WAH lied and my witness lied. I imagined his attorney cutting me to shreds over my mental illness and that stupid male friend I made 6 years ago. I did not cheat but she will use it against me. I’ve already told my attorney all of this.
My negative thoughts tell me again he’s having a good time at my expense. I’m writing this trying to get my head back on straight.
Cheating (can) affect alimony in my state. Given my financial needs combined with him being an idiot I’ll get more money than I would have had he filed back in May. My thoughts tell me this is all some sort of master plan but it’s only because he’s being coached. I get the whole status quo thing but does he think I’m stupid? Even if I didn’t catch him cheating I’d have to file. If he can prove I don’t need alimony then he might not have to pay much.
I paid rent in October while he was still paying everything else. November is all me but I filed on the 18th. Just like he won’t like the word adultery I don’t like the word destitute. Makes me sound like I’m on the verge of being homeless and yet I will be without support. Right now he’s paying a few hundred more than CS. If that sticks he just won the lottery.
What kind of proof do you have of cheating other than your son seeing another car in the driveway?
Because be careful, if you don’t have proof of cheating, proof that this is anymore than a friend, you’ll just put yourself through something more painful.
I had proof of my ex cheating but we were a no fault state so I never put myself through the hell.
Put speculation and assumption won’t get you your case. Only hard evidence.
..... and do you really want to put your son in the position of testifying against his own father? Because that could be pretty damaging to him.
There are tho by a in this process that aren’t worth the pain it would cause you and others you love to punish your H. Trust me, my ex cheated on my when I was pregnant with our IVF high risk pregnancy and left me when our daughter was 6 months old. She’s 12 now, they are married, and she is my daughters stepmother. I wanted nothing more than to punish them both. But in those efforts, I realized I was only punishing me and my daughter. No matter who’s original “fault” your sitch is, the consequences of direct actions will fall on you.
So, why don’t you really ask the right questions to your L. What exactly do you need to prove this? Will your son have to testify? How much more money is there to be gained?
This is really important stuff in the long run for your sanity
My son walked in on them (they don’t know). He will not be testifying. WAH will never know unless S19 tells him. My star witness is someone really great.
In the end it won’t matter this is just a quick way to get support. If I’m filing just because I want out then the courts won’t care about my financial situation. I need a reason to get an emergency hearing.
Ok reading about my state laws. After filing I have to wait 60 days to get a court date unless I have grounds. If I have grounds I don’t have to wait.
Make sure to check with your lawyer about what it takes to proof infidelity in your state.
Consider hiring a PI? Or maybe have witness and subpoena the OW?
Well, if you aren’t getting No money and you can’t support yourself right now and this truly is the fastest way to go , maybe it’s the right decision.
But I imagine after a trial and the effort to prove it, it could be even longer. And in the long run, he might want to fight you tooth and nail.
As said above, find out what it takes to prove infidelity. I’m pretty sure most states don’t even have these grounds any more because it’s so hard to prove.
My point is , don’t make any rash emotional decisions and don’t do it to punish him. Make your moves for what’s good for you in the long run.
Make sure to check with your lawyer about what it takes to proof infidelity in your state.
Consider hiring a PI? Or maybe have witness and subpoena the OW?
I offered to hire a PI and she said the witness would be enough (for now). WAH and both our attorneys know this person so this isn’t some random friend. It isn’t enough proof on its own no but it gets me a hearing.
Well, if you aren’t getting No money and you can’t support yourself right now and this truly is the fastest way to go , maybe it’s the right decision.
But I imagine after a trial and the effort to prove it, it could be even longer. And in the long run, he might want to fight you tooth and nail.
As said above, find out what it takes to prove infidelity. I’m pretty sure most states don’t even have these grounds any more because it’s so hard to prove.
My point is , don’t make any rash emotional decisions and don’t do it to punish him. Make your moves for what’s good for you in the long run.
I trusted WAH back in May when we discussed support. He didn’t want to pay me much and got angry. I gave him my ramen noodles budget and he said “you can’t make it on that”. Well that is what he is paying me. Infidelity is impossible to prove and my attorney knows that. I know that.
Our divorce revolves around alimony. I’m reading everything I can get my hands on if we aren’t even close then I push for a trial. It will never get that far because I’ll get a temporary support hearing. That ruling will likely stick since its based on income, length of marriage, financial need, etc. At that point I drop the adultery charge and change it to irreconcilable differences. It’s all very strategic.
I’m not interested in punishing him. Heck I still want to reconcile years down the road (yes I’m that stupid). I’m filing to protect myself and my kids financially. The adultery is just a means to an end.
I come here looking for support. I need it desperately. Yesterday I didn't shower, didn't get off the couch, didn't cook, nothing. I ordered pizza which is BAD because I need every dollar I can get. I have savings but that is for legal fees. I was doing okay GAL and DB'ing until I found out everything he said was a lie (2 weeks ago) so it's another BD. Put yourself in my shoes how would you feel if you found out your WAS left you for someone else AND got a promotion while you struggled to make ends meet and were none the wiser?
I'm not an emotional person.. Even after he left I began thinking about how I was going to protect myself financially. I removed all the financial documents from the house and hired an attorney within 2 weeks. I filed for temporary support but WAH was paying me and our bills so I put the hearing on hold. Yes I was trying to nice him back but I was also prepared to file/respond. I filled out all the documents including the financial affidavit. I was ready. WAH wouldn't screw up his credit so as long as his name was on the lease he'd make sure the rent got paid.
After he cancelled the lease I sent him an email (choosing my words carefully) asking "how much support do you WANT to pay" since at this point there were no court orders. When he replied a number I knew I'd probably have to get attorney's involved so there was no point talking to him. Decided I'd move first taking as many belongings as I wanted before making a decision as to what to do next.
In October he paid me the usual plus he reimbursed me for my deposit. I knew he was financially struggling so I cut him some slack since I did move 2 weeks sooner and left him with a few more bills than he expected but by November I'd know what his next move was. His first check was the usual and I was disappointed. It was at that point that I figured he wouldn't change anything thinking "kas didn't respond" so he was off the hook until I asked for more. I took a wait and see approach because I hadn't gotten the 2nd check yet but I was not optimistic so I began mentally preparing to file before the end of the year. I really wanted to hang in there and not file but truthfully I knew that likely wasn't an option due to establishing a status quo. If he could prove I didn't need alimony I'd be screwed. Finding out about the OW just pushed up when I was going to file by a few weeks so this wasn't an emotional decision. Yes I'm beyond upset but filing was a good decision.
I've got to be getting close to needing to start a new thread. I'm a mess today and need to get these thoughts out of my head. If I'm doing this wrong or too soon please forgive me.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=newpost&Board=20