This is really happening...?!? - 10/16/19 03:35 AM
Hi everyone,
I've been reading a lot of the threads here for the past couple weeks and felt it was time to put my specific situation out there to hopefully get some advice. I've been working with a marriage coach, who has been wonderful, but sometimes I need some help outside of normal business hours!
My husband of 4 years (together 7) mentioned to me back in March 2019 that he was feeling distance between us. I agreed. We both didn't know from where it was stemming, but agreed that it was good to put it out there and try to work on some things. (Of note, last year, he graduated law school, started a new career as an attorney, we bought a house, his grandmother passed away, then sold our house almost a year later because we hated so much about it, and life just went along full steam ahead.) A couple of months went by without any improvement so we decided to see a marriage counselor. Each session, we discussed some small issues but never really uncovered anything profound. At the time, both of us shared the goal of our marriage getting back to the fun, loving, happy relationship that it had been. As our sessions went on, I felt my husband pulling further and further away until he eventually admitted that he felt he needed more space, more independence, and that he couldn't get that living in the same house with me. I was totally against it, but told him if that's what he thought he needed in order for us to heal, then fine. He moved out mid-September. We continued to go on dates, texted each other, he helped take care of our two dogs while I was at work (I work 12-hr night shifts), etc. But by the 3rd week, he was reaching out less and less. I was trying to just give him space so barely initiated contact. Though when he did come by or reach out at that point, I let my hurt show (which I now realize was a terrible mistake). A month into this "trial separation" he told me he couldn't stand that both of us were hurting this much, for this long, and that he couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel for our relationship so he wants a divorce. He just wants to be single now. I was totally blindsided! I did all the wrong things...begged him to give it more time, tried to remind him of how good we are together, how much we loved each other, that he hasn't put effort (he even admitted this in therapy back in August) in to healing us, that he made a promise to me and to God, etc. He was totally shut down, saying he's just done, he wants to be single, and we'll eventually get over the hurt of a divorce. Oddly, after the shock of everything died down a little, he didn't really want to leave and I didn't really want him to so we went out for dinner together, then walked our dogs together once we got home. But of course I couldn't hold it together through that and just kept breaking down. Ugh. He then left, saying we would have more to talk about later. A few days later, I found this Divorce Busting strategy and started trying to implement it. We had a mutual friend's birthday party to go to and actually got drinks together beforehand and had a really nice time. Then went to the party, socialized, he left a bit early but pulled me aside to say goodbye. So I was hopeful I could turn things around. Using the last-resort technique, I didn't reach out to him except for absolutely necessary things, such as ensuring dog care. He would respond amicably, but otherwise barely reached out to me and eventually, just nothing until today. He sent me a text saying he has the court paperwork that needs some signatures and wanted to see if I'd be willing to meet sometime this week. I have been terrified of this moment. I responded that I had been hopeful he wouldn't actually go through with this, but now that he was taking action, I needed some time to wrap my head around it. I would be willing to get together to catch up, but I wouldn't be signing anything without my own attorney present. He asked if I had an attorney and then went off about how he knows I need to "process" this but that he told me a month ago he was doing this and doesn't want to keep drawing it out. He doesn't plan on getting an attorney and hoped we could just go about this mutually. But this is SO NOT MUTUAL! I have faith in our relationship. We used to have a wonderful relationship and it just seems that all the life stresses we went through over the past year pushed him into an early mid-life crisis (he's 33 y/o)! This man is not the same man I married, but I know he's in there somewhere and I am willing to do everything I can to get us back on track. But I don't know how to proceed from here. He seems in such a rush to end things officially. Any advice???
I've been reading a lot of the threads here for the past couple weeks and felt it was time to put my specific situation out there to hopefully get some advice. I've been working with a marriage coach, who has been wonderful, but sometimes I need some help outside of normal business hours!
My husband of 4 years (together 7) mentioned to me back in March 2019 that he was feeling distance between us. I agreed. We both didn't know from where it was stemming, but agreed that it was good to put it out there and try to work on some things. (Of note, last year, he graduated law school, started a new career as an attorney, we bought a house, his grandmother passed away, then sold our house almost a year later because we hated so much about it, and life just went along full steam ahead.) A couple of months went by without any improvement so we decided to see a marriage counselor. Each session, we discussed some small issues but never really uncovered anything profound. At the time, both of us shared the goal of our marriage getting back to the fun, loving, happy relationship that it had been. As our sessions went on, I felt my husband pulling further and further away until he eventually admitted that he felt he needed more space, more independence, and that he couldn't get that living in the same house with me. I was totally against it, but told him if that's what he thought he needed in order for us to heal, then fine. He moved out mid-September. We continued to go on dates, texted each other, he helped take care of our two dogs while I was at work (I work 12-hr night shifts), etc. But by the 3rd week, he was reaching out less and less. I was trying to just give him space so barely initiated contact. Though when he did come by or reach out at that point, I let my hurt show (which I now realize was a terrible mistake). A month into this "trial separation" he told me he couldn't stand that both of us were hurting this much, for this long, and that he couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel for our relationship so he wants a divorce. He just wants to be single now. I was totally blindsided! I did all the wrong things...begged him to give it more time, tried to remind him of how good we are together, how much we loved each other, that he hasn't put effort (he even admitted this in therapy back in August) in to healing us, that he made a promise to me and to God, etc. He was totally shut down, saying he's just done, he wants to be single, and we'll eventually get over the hurt of a divorce. Oddly, after the shock of everything died down a little, he didn't really want to leave and I didn't really want him to so we went out for dinner together, then walked our dogs together once we got home. But of course I couldn't hold it together through that and just kept breaking down. Ugh. He then left, saying we would have more to talk about later. A few days later, I found this Divorce Busting strategy and started trying to implement it. We had a mutual friend's birthday party to go to and actually got drinks together beforehand and had a really nice time. Then went to the party, socialized, he left a bit early but pulled me aside to say goodbye. So I was hopeful I could turn things around. Using the last-resort technique, I didn't reach out to him except for absolutely necessary things, such as ensuring dog care. He would respond amicably, but otherwise barely reached out to me and eventually, just nothing until today. He sent me a text saying he has the court paperwork that needs some signatures and wanted to see if I'd be willing to meet sometime this week. I have been terrified of this moment. I responded that I had been hopeful he wouldn't actually go through with this, but now that he was taking action, I needed some time to wrap my head around it. I would be willing to get together to catch up, but I wouldn't be signing anything without my own attorney present. He asked if I had an attorney and then went off about how he knows I need to "process" this but that he told me a month ago he was doing this and doesn't want to keep drawing it out. He doesn't plan on getting an attorney and hoped we could just go about this mutually. But this is SO NOT MUTUAL! I have faith in our relationship. We used to have a wonderful relationship and it just seems that all the life stresses we went through over the past year pushed him into an early mid-life crisis (he's 33 y/o)! This man is not the same man I married, but I know he's in there somewhere and I am willing to do everything I can to get us back on track. But I don't know how to proceed from here. He seems in such a rush to end things officially. Any advice???