Help a newbie out with all this... - 10/08/19 08:11 PM
Hey guys. Just joined and also just today set up phone coaching for a few sessions to see if I can get some help. Im a fixer H, whose W walked away. Yah I know , abbreviations! Not my thing yet. Wanted to give a quick story and ask a few questions.
Quick back story. Married 9 years, together for 13. We dont fight, argue and have had a happy home (or atleast I thought). Ive always told people how rock solid we are. So as you can imagine first BD caught we way off guard.
The bomb was she was no longer interested in sex with me or anyone else for that matter. Its always been the one thing that has been a bit of a spat for us. This was 11 months ago. So realizing for first time how serious this all was since I wasnt interested in being roomates I did what I thought was a 180. I told her to handle the sexual activity as she saw fit and not to do any more than she wanted to. We read 5 love languages book and that was pretty much it. So I started helping with the kids every bit of 50% (id say i was about a 30% partner with kids before). I started cleaning, cooking, watching kids, whatever she needed. All without counseling. I was killing it! Sex activity never dropped off, life was better (so I thought). We went to a counselor about 3 months later to try to start connecting. Uh this sucked after 3 sessions of her listen to both our arguing of what we wanted. Unproductive to both of us and we quit. Fast forward to 8 weeks ago:
Wife comes home and says she wants space and is going to stay with her mom a few days (its now been 8 weeks). THe dreaded i love you, but im not in love with you anymore. Argument ensues, emotions run high with mostly me and devastated she wants to leave and she takes off. Immediately that turned into ahhhh maybe a month ill be gone or 3 or i dont know maybe 6! So of course Im like F***. Oh forgot to mention we bought a house 12 weeks ago brand new that we both picked out the options and had it custom tailored to us. 4 weeks later she was gooone!
Now that Im here i realize i have broken all the rules thus far. Although at first it didnt seem like a bad idea to text and try to stay in contact as I was naturally devastated. She did agree to MC and we found what I believe to be a good dude but im not sure if he is solution based TBH. So we have been going for 6 weeks this week. At first it was 2x a week, now just one. Last thursday after 7 weeks, I had a meltdown when she came over to get the kids (2,8) and wanted to spew all the knowledge I have read in all the self help books i have read, and of course, it made her push away and even say more mean stuff to me. Went to therapy next day and I just ran through all my frustrations. Got out of therapy, and it was like a switch went off in my brain, to just let it go and accept that this is what has happened to you. So for a week ive been super calm, no spirals , no texting about relationship (we were doing often in the past 7 weeks) and I've continued on my life. Also no initiating. Then I found here and was glad I started doing what is already recommended on this site. I have read all the basic info that cadet posts to all newbies and im working off of that.
Main concerns of wife are that she is no longer in love with me (seems workable) and that she has a lot of resentment towards me for issues that happened years ago, some even when we first met.
-Rules ive broken when we are together is I hug her, kiss her on the cheek and tell her I love you when she leaves. She doesnt seem to mind it, but I will def stop doing that if its hurting me.
OK, Questions I now have.
1. Her grandmother passed away 2 weeks into our separation and we were both close to her. I've been invited to her celebration of life this upcoming friday. I said I would go of course. Wifes mother asked if I would help set up the event , and also wife wants me to help with watching the kids at the event. This is a tough one for me cause its her day with the kids that day. I dont want to come across as rude or that I dont care about this event but with all this happening and little regard for what I feel like, is for me, do I tell them both no? Do i suck it up due to circumstances? I guess my original hope was to go as a guest and enjoy the celebration as a guest. Now i feel like im the help. I wish I would have asked these questions before I said yes. I had reservation and she said whats wrong. I said no its fine ill do it. But this is also first time I will see extended family of hers since separation and Im good with all of them, so thats hard too. Oh and she also wants me to take the kids over night after the event as the house will be full with a bunch of people that evening.
2.How dark do I go? Keep texts only about kids? No hugs, no kiss on the cheek, no "i love you's"?
3. Vacation in january to Disneyland with kids was planned with her mother and father as well. W mother and father are going all out on the vacation for the kids. They still want me to come. I have explained that if we are not together that I dont plan on going. Is that the right move? They were mad cause I wont do it for the kids but I love my wife a ton and im already hurting , why would I go on vacation with W and her mother/father where it will be awkward I believe and I wont be enjoying myself as I once thought I would> Im over doing everything for the kids. I need to be ok too.
4. Holidays. Do we split them up now or try to still do them together? I dont think she is opposed to doing them together still.
5. New arrangement starting this week is Dinner on wednesday when i drop kids off, and park on sundays when I pick them back up (we are doing 3 1/2 days each for my sanity and schedule) Did i mention i love my kids immensely and its killing me? Wife knows im a great dad. question part is, do i do dinner on wednesdays still while im going dark or keep it that way since its a family thing?
Thanks for reading all of this, I hope someone responds
Things Ive done for 8 weeks now: Lost weight (35lbs in 8 weeks), excercise everyday, read 4 books, taking care of the house, doing household projects. Met a new friend and have been out a couple of times to keep my sanity.
Things ive done only for 1 week now is: accepting of the situation finally! I feel cool, calm and collected , ive stopped pursuing, I stopped sharing my feelings about the R and I have stopped convincing her during talks.
Quick back story. Married 9 years, together for 13. We dont fight, argue and have had a happy home (or atleast I thought). Ive always told people how rock solid we are. So as you can imagine first BD caught we way off guard.
The bomb was she was no longer interested in sex with me or anyone else for that matter. Its always been the one thing that has been a bit of a spat for us. This was 11 months ago. So realizing for first time how serious this all was since I wasnt interested in being roomates I did what I thought was a 180. I told her to handle the sexual activity as she saw fit and not to do any more than she wanted to. We read 5 love languages book and that was pretty much it. So I started helping with the kids every bit of 50% (id say i was about a 30% partner with kids before). I started cleaning, cooking, watching kids, whatever she needed. All without counseling. I was killing it! Sex activity never dropped off, life was better (so I thought). We went to a counselor about 3 months later to try to start connecting. Uh this sucked after 3 sessions of her listen to both our arguing of what we wanted. Unproductive to both of us and we quit. Fast forward to 8 weeks ago:
Wife comes home and says she wants space and is going to stay with her mom a few days (its now been 8 weeks). THe dreaded i love you, but im not in love with you anymore. Argument ensues, emotions run high with mostly me and devastated she wants to leave and she takes off. Immediately that turned into ahhhh maybe a month ill be gone or 3 or i dont know maybe 6! So of course Im like F***. Oh forgot to mention we bought a house 12 weeks ago brand new that we both picked out the options and had it custom tailored to us. 4 weeks later she was gooone!
Now that Im here i realize i have broken all the rules thus far. Although at first it didnt seem like a bad idea to text and try to stay in contact as I was naturally devastated. She did agree to MC and we found what I believe to be a good dude but im not sure if he is solution based TBH. So we have been going for 6 weeks this week. At first it was 2x a week, now just one. Last thursday after 7 weeks, I had a meltdown when she came over to get the kids (2,8) and wanted to spew all the knowledge I have read in all the self help books i have read, and of course, it made her push away and even say more mean stuff to me. Went to therapy next day and I just ran through all my frustrations. Got out of therapy, and it was like a switch went off in my brain, to just let it go and accept that this is what has happened to you. So for a week ive been super calm, no spirals , no texting about relationship (we were doing often in the past 7 weeks) and I've continued on my life. Also no initiating. Then I found here and was glad I started doing what is already recommended on this site. I have read all the basic info that cadet posts to all newbies and im working off of that.
Main concerns of wife are that she is no longer in love with me (seems workable) and that she has a lot of resentment towards me for issues that happened years ago, some even when we first met.
-Rules ive broken when we are together is I hug her, kiss her on the cheek and tell her I love you when she leaves. She doesnt seem to mind it, but I will def stop doing that if its hurting me.
OK, Questions I now have.
1. Her grandmother passed away 2 weeks into our separation and we were both close to her. I've been invited to her celebration of life this upcoming friday. I said I would go of course. Wifes mother asked if I would help set up the event , and also wife wants me to help with watching the kids at the event. This is a tough one for me cause its her day with the kids that day. I dont want to come across as rude or that I dont care about this event but with all this happening and little regard for what I feel like, is for me, do I tell them both no? Do i suck it up due to circumstances? I guess my original hope was to go as a guest and enjoy the celebration as a guest. Now i feel like im the help. I wish I would have asked these questions before I said yes. I had reservation and she said whats wrong. I said no its fine ill do it. But this is also first time I will see extended family of hers since separation and Im good with all of them, so thats hard too. Oh and she also wants me to take the kids over night after the event as the house will be full with a bunch of people that evening.
2.How dark do I go? Keep texts only about kids? No hugs, no kiss on the cheek, no "i love you's"?
3. Vacation in january to Disneyland with kids was planned with her mother and father as well. W mother and father are going all out on the vacation for the kids. They still want me to come. I have explained that if we are not together that I dont plan on going. Is that the right move? They were mad cause I wont do it for the kids but I love my wife a ton and im already hurting , why would I go on vacation with W and her mother/father where it will be awkward I believe and I wont be enjoying myself as I once thought I would> Im over doing everything for the kids. I need to be ok too.
4. Holidays. Do we split them up now or try to still do them together? I dont think she is opposed to doing them together still.
5. New arrangement starting this week is Dinner on wednesday when i drop kids off, and park on sundays when I pick them back up (we are doing 3 1/2 days each for my sanity and schedule) Did i mention i love my kids immensely and its killing me? Wife knows im a great dad. question part is, do i do dinner on wednesdays still while im going dark or keep it that way since its a family thing?
Thanks for reading all of this, I hope someone responds
Things Ive done for 8 weeks now: Lost weight (35lbs in 8 weeks), excercise everyday, read 4 books, taking care of the house, doing household projects. Met a new friend and have been out a couple of times to keep my sanity.
Things ive done only for 1 week now is: accepting of the situation finally! I feel cool, calm and collected , ive stopped pursuing, I stopped sharing my feelings about the R and I have stopped convincing her during talks.