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Posted By: Thornton Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/07/19 05:35 PM
Previous thread - https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2865163&page=1
Posted By: Thornton Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/08/19 12:55 AM
I tried texting D12 today and told her I was thinking about her and that I loved her. She read the text immediately because I get a notification that she read it. No response. And D12 NEVER does that. She always responds immediately.

I sure hope W and her mother aren’t coaching D12 to not respond to me. I hate this.
Posted By: Jim1234 Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/08/19 03:38 AM
If they are, there's nothing you can do about it. Keep texting D12, and let her know how much she is loved and how much you miss her. If this is the first time you've texted her since they moved out, you're very late. Text her more often. She needs to know you're still her dad, and she will, even if she can't respond. The truth will eventually come out. It totally stinks, but I wouldn't advise you to talk to XW about it.
Posted By: rooskers Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/08/19 04:03 AM
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Keep texting D12, and let her know how much she is loved and how much you miss her.


I have a D13 and I can tell you some things not to do as her mother has done this and it resulted in D13 blocking her texts.

Do not send pictures of yourself or your single adventures unless she asks for them. Do not make the texts about you or what you are doing until you establish a working dialogue with her. Do not send texts all the time but space them out as you would have normally talked to her before.

D13 says she would rather hear texts like "how was your day at school" or "can I help you with any school work" but don't make them too intrusive or in her words sound like a stalker like "I think of you all the time." She says keep the texts normal and make casual comments about something that might interest her. Fun emoji's with some of your texts can help you seem more relate-able but don't over do it.

If you want let me know and I can ask D13 more questions for you about what she likes.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/08/19 01:20 PM
Thanks, guys.

I guess I'm not particularly surprised that W and her mother are doing this. W's mother is a total narcissist and I suspect W has has many traits as well. What's funny is that right before W left she said she would not keep D12 from me and that D12 sees me as her father (I've raised her since she was 3).

I will keep reaching out to D12 to let her know I'm still here and love her but I will not expect any responses going forward. This is insane to me.

On the detachment front, W is actually helping me detach by showing how vindictive she can be. I don't want anything to do with her anymore.
Posted By: Jim1234 Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/08/19 01:39 PM
Like rooskers said, you don't want to be stalkerish. He's got some good insights. Just leave the door for conversation open. D12 will know the truth, if not today, then eventually, and will appreciate your efforts. She'll probably never SAY that, but she will.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/10/19 02:08 PM
Not much new to report, I'm maintaining NC with W and focusing on work.

I'm starting to feel so angry. A lot of that anger is for my W, but I'm also angry with myself for allowing myself to be in this predicament again. I wish I had grown a spine before W starting coming back around the last time. I thought I had but she has a way of breaking me down with her tears and getting me to buy in to her BS promises and epiphanies. I won't make that mistake again.

I will continue to reach out to D12 even if she's been coached not to respond to me. I miss her so much.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/10/19 07:29 PM
Anger is one of the seven stages of grief recovery, it's normal! Don't fight it, let it happen. The fastest way to recovery is through, not around. Google "seven stages of grief recovery" if you're not familiar with the stages. It helped me early in my sitch because it's a way to recognize and identify the stages of what you're going through and to understand it's all a normal part of the process.
Posted By: kas99 Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/10/19 09:52 PM
My D17 isn't talking to my WAH (her choice) and yes he came across as stalkerish for months. Tons of texts that she ignored. His texts were all about him "I miss you. I love you. I want a relationship with you." Those come across as selfish. I think he's backed it way down to just sporadic how was school, happy birthday, etc. She isn't answering and I didn't coach her.

D14 just moved in with him and I've heard from her once in 4 days.

For the moment I've come to accept that this is my new norm. Kids caught in the crossfire and everyone loses.
Posted By: rooskers Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/11/19 10:24 PM
D13 and I both thought of you today.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/21/19 07:22 PM
Thank you, Rooskers. I hope you and D are hanging in there.

Journaling...

There isn't much new to report on my sitch. I've been NC with W for about 3 weeks now since she left with D12. It's been a roller coaster honestly. One minute I'm feeling confident that my new life will be a good one. Then I get hit with a wave of sadness and I find myself spinning trying to find ways to reconcile why this happened again and why she felt I was such a horrible partner.

Oh and I'm getting sick and tired of everything and anything reminding me of W all the time, whether that be a restaurant, store, a park, or anywhere else we used to frequent.

I'm also struggling with GAL as most of my friends are married and have kids. Trying to get them out of the house is a challenge within itself. I'm still in the gym working my ass off but doing things with other people has been tough.

Thanks for reading.

Thorn
Posted By: neffer Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/21/19 08:42 PM
Stand strong there T. You control what you control: yourself.

You canīt fix her. Keep walking your road. GAL!

Keep DB
(((T)))
Posted By: IronWill Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/21/19 09:35 PM
Originally Posted by Thornton
Thank you, Rooskers. I hope you and D are hanging in there.

Journaling...

There isn't much new to report on my sitch. I've been NC with W for about 3 weeks now since she left with D12. It's been a roller coaster honestly. One minute I'm feeling confident that my new life will be a good one. Then I get hit with a wave of sadness and I find myself spinning trying to find ways to reconcile why this happened again and why she felt I was such a horrible partner.

Oh and I'm getting sick and tired of everything and anything reminding me of W all the time, whether that be a restaurant, store, a park, or anywhere else we used to frequent.

I'm also struggling with GAL as most of my friends are married and have kids. Trying to get them out of the house is a challenge within itself. I'm still in the gym working my ass off but doing things with other people has been tough.

Thanks for reading.

Thorn


Hey Thornton -

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. It is very frustrating when the mind wanders back to places of familiarity with W, and to top it off GAL just feels forced.

I think it's always like that - cycling around and around, up and down. I've found there is no fast or easy way to stop it, the brain constantly seeks ways to solve this problem, despite there being no viable solution. In part I find this is what makes me so tired and burnt out. It seems like you're dealing with it too.

Can't really offer much in the way of advice because I'm struggling these days (not sleeping, nightmares, incessant thinking, exhaustion and other jolly wonderful things) - but do know that you're not alone in this.

Take care of yourself, man - stay strong
Posted By: IHCLACS Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/22/19 12:04 PM
I think the ego fights the spirit to preserve what was familiar, secure, and attached to your"re identity as a spouse and you. Its hard to come to terms with, but when you realize, your roles, your talents, your emotions and even to an extent, your personality and behaviors aren't really you, but your who trying to preserve itself with memories, habits, routines. It might help a little. When you do something and go places with someone for over a decade or more, its hard not to remember and grieve. I've had to go through this 5 times in my life. The more you frequent it, the more the feelings of loss subside.

To put it this way. There are a lot of things you did and frequented before you met your spouse, there are a lot of things you did and places you went while single, and even the same from when we were children. If we remaun stuck there, we don't grow, we don't heal, we don't move on, and we don't experience. I am very guilty of dwelling in the past, as it is a bad habit I picked up from my family as all they ever talk about is how good things were, and how everything is always getting worse. They are never present. I an never present. Yet they refuse to change or take initiative to change and chronically whine about their circumstances in life. I don't want to do that anymore as I've been mentally doing it for the last 40 years.

As much as it hurt me to hear it a few months ago. XW said I was just another chapter of her life. And appalled me that I could be looked at that way. But in time of the last few months I got it. I've watched her change into a person I don't know. I've watched her make changes in her life. I've observed her family making changes in their life too. The whole time I'm watching all this the more I realize the little I have changed. I mean internally I'm learning things and mentally does far as taking actions time to put the rubber to the road. I have to change by force and I have to move on. For the first time I understand what she went through. Because I have been in limbo for the last year I have lost a sense of myself. I am forced to reevaluate a lot of things I have done, said, acted and didn't act on. What I want out of life now, who I am, etc. This is why time and space is healthy. It is our opportunity to get ourselves right. I will let everyone here know how I am doing with this once I move in a week.
Posted By: EastTN Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/25/19 05:22 PM
T,

So sorry to see you back here. No advice, but I do wish you the best... hang in there, man.
Posted By: neffer Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/25/19 05:31 PM
Hey East!!!! Nice to see you around. How are your things going?
Posted By: rooskers Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 10/25/19 06:55 PM
Hey Thornton how is it going?

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One minute I'm feeling confident that my new life will be a good one. Then I get hit with a wave of sadness


I have the same problem and wonder when it will ever end.

Quote
Oh and I'm getting sick and tired of everything and anything reminding me of W all the time, whether that be a restaurant, store, a park, or anywhere else we used to frequent.


D13 and I have the same problem. We are going to these places and creating new memories so it doesn't hurt so bad when we have to go there. It is a very painful process but it seems to be working.
Posted By: IronWill Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope - 11/26/19 01:10 PM
Hey Thornton - thanks for popping in on my sit yesterday. smile

How are things going?
Posted By: Thornton Flying solo and dropping the rope pt2 - 01/06/20 06:39 PM
Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2020 is much better than 2019 for all of us!

Journaling...

I've been around on the board lately but haven't been posting much as there isn't anything going on with my ex. In fact, we haven't spoken (or seen each other) in about 4 months.

I've recently bought a new condo and have moved in. The excitement and pre-occupation with decorating etc has been a welcome distraction for me. However, now that I'm settling in, the loneliness has been pretty hard to overcome. I find myself really missing my ex and ruminating on all our good memories. I try hard to remember all her negative qualities in an effort to detach, but I still miss her terribly. For those of you who haven't followed my sitch, I was with my ex for 9 years and she has left me 4x.

In a nutshell, I feel stuck. I know GAL is imperative to turn my mindset but I don't feel like doing much of anything. I'm doing well at work and I still hit the gym 4-5 times a week, but still struggling with depression and anxiety. I guess I thought I would be doing better by now.

I'm not really sure where to go from here...

Thorn

Originally Posted by Thornton
I've recently bought a new condo and have moved in. The excitement and pre-occupation with decorating etc has been a welcome distraction for me.


Congrats on the new place!

Quote
However, now that I'm settling in, the loneliness has been pretty hard to overcome. I find myself really missing my ex and ruminating on all our good memories. I try hard to remember all her negative qualities in an effort to detach, but I still miss her terribly. For those of you who haven't followed my sitch, I was with my ex for 9 years and she has left me 4x.


I think that's probably to be expected, you've gone through a ton of change in a short amount of time. You lost your W, moved to a different place, now you're trying to adjust and of course you will long for your "old normal". It'll take a while until your "new normal" just becomes your "normal", but once it does I think you'll be much more content.

Quote
In a nutshell, I feel stuck. I know GAL is imperative to turn my mindset but I don't feel like doing much of anything.


Sometimes you just have to make yourself. How much time do you spend at the gym? Maybe put more time in for a while. On the weeks I didn't have my kids I would spend 1-1/2 to 2 hours there doing a mix of strength training and cardio. Then I would go home and make dinner, eat and go to bed. I didn't need to spend that much time in the gym, but it helped keep me occupied. Do you meal prep? Maybe try that if you haven't, it takes a lot of time and research. Good activity to keep you busy, and really good for you too. Eventually I added more activities so I wasn't just living in the gym. Started painting more, working on sculptures, building R/C planes, messing with my motorcycles, etc. I literally pushed my XW right out of my head with GAL.
Posted By: IronWill Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope pt2 - 01/06/20 09:05 PM
Hey T - good to hear from you. Happy New Year!

I know our situations are quite different (I am approaching 1 year IHS), but I very much relate to the loneliness aspect of what you are dealing with.

To be honest it feels like my wife physically died about 17 months ago. I imagine this is similar to what it must feel like to have a spouse die, at any rate. The person who is living in my house with me right now is a depressed withdrawn shell of her former self. Occasionally she may speak for a minute or two - but it is more like I would imagine it would be if I was being haunted or visited by a ghost of someone I used to know who passed away.

It is very sad.

I try to push it from my thoughts, successfully most days, but when you spend 20 plus years with someone, invariably something will happen during the day that will remind you of them. GAL is great, but it does happen.

It is very hard, man. It is ok to feel that way. Sometimes you have to - I don't think it's healthy to ignore what you are feeling completely, but at the same time it's also important not to wallow in it.

Please keep posting when you can - you've helped me a great deal with your words and advice. Maybe I can return the favor one day smile

Take care smile
Posted By: Thornton Re: Flying solo and dropping the rope pt2 - 01/06/20 09:08 PM
Thank you, AS. I always appreciate your input.

Regarding the gym, I typically lift weights for 45 minutes and then follow that with 45 minutes of cardio. I also meal prep as well.

One of the hard things for me is my friends are almost all middle aged, and married with small children. Trying to get them out of the house to go hang out with a newly single guy is challenging.

I will look into some other hobbies in the meantime.
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