Since last update I had been giving W and I some space. It seems like she hasn’t been receptive to this and has been hot and cold. She’s not mean or disrespectful but the intimacy has died down and she said something was bothering her but didn’t know what. She said she was tired of us arguing or bickering and wants a reset. I do too.
Last weekend instead of going with her to the reception for her friend prior to that I suggested if she wanted to go with her boss to have a girls night and then later she could meet me back in town and we have our time to party. So last week she agreed. Went out and celebrated her friend’s wedding with her boss. They got back to town later that night and my wife met me up and we spent time together all night. We had a good time partying all night to early in the morning. Crashed and went to a baseball game the next day.
I thought everything was getting better but that night talking she said she wasn’t happy when we argued. I felt like I failed at validating, I also wondered if this was part of some grander scheme of her exit. I thought it was the talk from a few Thursday’s ago. Thought we had talked that through.
Now I need help here. Prior to getting a hotel room for this past Saturday night, she was looking for rooms when I was doing something and I told her I was going to look into it. She said she didn’t mind because she usually is the one shopping online for deals when we go on vacation. She got two places and we talked about it. I chose a room at the Marriott which I didn’t know was at the Marriott at that time. Chose the better of the two rooms. and she said she could check the discounts but she said the password to her marriott app was at work. She said she couldn’t log into Citrix from the iPad and didn’t have her laptop. She asked me if I wanted to make a account for the discount then did she was able to check and it was like a 16.00 saving so I just got the room as a guest and sent the reservation to my email. The thing that bothers me is how it felt like a secret of why her password would be at work.
I haven’t confronted or asked for this password because I’m not sure how to go about it. Forget it? Could be nothing or ask? Could there be more I should be trying to look into and why ?
So besides that, yesterday I figured out what could still cause my wife to be in her funk. Maybe it was two weeks ago after she said she was still mad about our convo of her going out to be a friend to her boss in a time or need, one night I left and said I needed space because we had a party and we all were drinking. Her family was over. We went to bed and I couldn’t sleep. I said I was leaving and she said where and I said out. I went driving around that night to think about things like when she said some space would be good for us so I went to the apartment to sleep. She texted 3 times and I later went home around 5pm the next day. I didn’t respond to her texts asking me how I was.
So going back to yesterday, I brought this up and asked if this was why she was still upset and I think i hit it on the nose she said I could have had the decency to let her know I was safe or here I wa out to. I told her she has the 360 app to see where I was. She said she doesn’t use it for me and I said that was one of the reasons we agreed to get it and that’s not my fault if she didn’t want to use it to see where I was because she could have. I admitted I was wrong to leaving the way I did and I apologized but I also said she was still angry so I didn’t feel like she deserved for me to do or say things to try and appease her. Told her if the shoe was on the other foot she would feel the same way and I said she has been like this before where some of her remarks come across as a double standard.
I am confused . She wants us to go back to a normal life and I told her I want a normal life but since she brought that guy into the fold the day she lied who she was out with, I don’t know how I am supposed to move forward with trust.
Told her I am going to get therapy to figure out my feeling to see what to do about us.
I am actively looking this week because I am strongly on the fence if I want to be with her. I have a long list that my insurance have in network. I am looking for gottman and other areas like anger management, family/ marriage, and some other specialties as well.
Time for work.
Currently reading/rereading what women want in a man. Open to other books. This feels like another limbo. Still trying to be patient and from the few Thursday’s ago Ive felt better that my happiness isn’t all wrapped up in her. If we don’t make it I will survive. I do sometimes struggle to be patient with her because signs from her I think should be there aren’t so I am not sure when I should expect certain things from her.
She did say this. If we both go thru counseling she can see us going to marriage counseling In the future.
Update.
Wanted to first say I spoke to a therapist and have my first session in a week. Gave her the run down of what’s happened in the last two years and she added that from my 25 years with W and this being our first reaching out for help that it was time. She said we had a good run but she is confident there are more years worth of digging into to get to addressing underlying issues. She is confident she has the tools to help me. One of the reasons why I chose her was that she had gottman listed and she had to tell me she wasn’t technically certified in the program. This was a bummer but I told her I would give it a few sessions to see if we gelled and then go from there. She sounded hopeful due to the support I had been getting here over the year. We discussed my anger, my wanting to be better for myself no matter how this goes down. She also shared a good interest in me as the man leading and being the example for my two boys. Although I initially thought the better approach was to go into couples therapy to find better ways to communicate and find tools to help our marriage, I see that I am not always right and maybe I was coming from a place of having expectations and this is in some way a form of control. While couples therapy is on the table, I know I have much work to do and I feel now during my state of confusion, it’s time. It’s ironic that I remember some nights at the apartment, I had sound sleep. No issues sleeping. Then some nights here next to W I have problems sleeping like things are on my mind. I remember times when we both were unhappy and stuck. This reminds me of that. This time around we’re taking baby steps to try and get unstuck.
I tried to type this out yesterday before work but I didn’t have enough time. I think about things and have those moments of clarity and feel like they’d be great things to share and then life jumps in the way and those moments are gone. There was so much more I wanted to say but it’s been over the course of 3 days when I started this during some of my free time to now. To think months ago it felt like I had all the free time in the world. This is one important thing I would stress is to use your time wisely. Last year my kids were in a district with no homework and I had time after work. This year it’s homework, school events, private lessons, church school, etc. Then Gal comes in different forms. I split my time between wife and kids and make an effort to make time for myself, whether it’s out driving around checking out new places around here to being alone. My GAL really is being a big part of my boys lives right now.
I chose a female therapist to purposefully get help from someone who can also help me see things from a woman’s perspective.
W and I are back on the upswing, and she has started to say I love you again as we had been getting back to being intimate on a more frequent basis. I noticed two times not too long ago when she flared up over something trivial I kept my cool. She later corrected herself. Example was parking. She got riled up about me not finding a closer spot to the store when there were no empty parking spots so I found one aways and parked there. It was a small walk to the store, we got our items and went back the car. She later admitted the spot wasn’t far and had this sheepish look. I didn’t add any praise, insult, or recognition to it.
I felt like something changed from a few weeks ago, I’m a little bit more in control and it’s because I started to journal to let out my feelings and not express them to my W. It’s been helping us tremendously. I still debate whether I want to spill my guts to my W and how important that is while knowing that I can learn how to better go about it. Like there’s a right way and wrong way or better ways to express myself and sometimes things that I should let rest for both our sake. It goes back to being centered and the emotional control. Definitely will work on this through IC.
My best buddy from childhood lives a lot closer to me, about 15 minutes drive so I visit him more often. It’s good to chop it up with him and the other men from his neighborhood. They all congregate to his house because he likes to host and throw parties. Really likeable guy.
Always, thank you for the support here. Will try to keep updating when I have time.
Hey Adam, glad to hear things are doing better! Sounds like a good plan with the new counselor!
She later corrected herself. Example was parking. She got riled up about me not finding a closer spot to the store when there were no empty parking spots so I found one aways and parked there. It was a small walk to the store, we got our items and went back the car. She later admitted the spot wasn’t far and had this sheepish look. I didn’t add any praise, insult, or recognition to it.
Actually I think some praise would have been appropriate, something like "thank you, I appreciate you acknowledging that". Michele says something like "applaud the 1%" in one of her books, meaning if they say or do something nice even when being otherwise cranky then focus on that good act and encourage them for it.
Updating.
Where to begin...
First, therapy has been going well. 2-3 hour sessions started weekly then is now every other week. Looks like I switched using this as a sounding board to more one on one with my therapist. I had a lot of anger issues and I’ve been working on identifying the sources and controlling my emotions better. I journal and I guess having some self awareness helps. Therapist says she sees a lot of progress and that it’s great I’ve been getting the help that I had been over this last year from the forum, videos, books, podcasts, and whatever I could find to understand my situation better.
My wife and I are having great months. Thanksgiving we took the kids to Vegas. Christmas was nice. And so was New Years. We had a small retreat to wine country with a couple close friends.
Apart from doing things and going places as a family or even as a couple with our date nights, we are reconnecting. We’re better at arguing, we have safe words, time outs, and discuss things like when it’s okay to have a heavy talk or not and we are able to table things for later when we have our time. I am better at not trying to force my thoughts on her via texts or bombard her when she is at work. Much of that has been a work in progress over the last year. I could go on and on but will spare you. Simple to say I did a lot of 180s from self care, being more financially responsible, being a better partner, helping around the house, with the kids, doing things with her (noticing her), not being on the computer for hours. It’s been over 8 months and I keep my computer at the apartment which I am getting rid of at end of lease. I haven’t gotten on that thing and find I have a lot of free time to split with the kids, to doing things around the house and cooking. Wife and I spend at least an hour together on weekdays together watching a show, to catching up, talking about things to just enjoying our time together. Gone are the days where I felt like something was off. She doesn’t hide or act weird with texts or social media.
I can tell my wife is back. Over the last few months she’s had some heart to heart conversations with me where I felt she was sincere and that she was sorry. She still denies any romantic envolvement with any person. She has brought up knowing what it felt like to have her family ripped apart and she never wants that to happen again. She had the house and the opportunity to fully break away, but she didn’t. I would like to think I gave her enough space to make her own decisions and we left that door open for each other.
We are in a good spot where we can discuss our therapy sessions with each other and talk about our feelings. Wife is on board for couples counseling. I believe she feels like she has the tools to help her communicate better. She has let it be known to me that in the past she felt awkward, like she didn’t have the know how to see an argument through but we have come a long way.
My wife and I send texts every day saying we love each other and to talk for a bit. We kiss and say bye in the mornings every day and night. We both use words of endearment and it’s been great for months. You can tell if something is off she starts holding back but if things are good she says baby this to baby that. I try not to ride the highs or the lows. I do enjoy the moments though and take opportunities when I can to fill the love bank with words of appreciation and acts of service.
I am also a better steward of money this year and that has a positive impact in our relationship. From planning trips to budgeting, it seems like a huge load off.
What has helped me to move on with my life is that I didn’t know any crazy details of what she was or was not doing so I can concentrate on moving forward rather than trying to recover from the past.
I’m enjoying my time with the kids. Currently taking both boys out on their bikes around the neighborhood. Teaching my older son how to cross busy streets.
Going to stop here. Wish everyone well. Thank you for your support.
Adam - so so nice to hear from you and so glad that things are going well. There are so few sitch's here that R that it is heart warming when you read of one that is going well. I remember your sitch well so know exactly how far you've come, both in your internal healing and your R with W.
I think if I ever R'd I would want to close the chapter on the time apart also and start the relationship anew. I remember a line from a Beatles documentary where John left Yoko for a time and they referred to it as his 'lost weekend' (it was actually closer to 6 months). I liked that.
Anyway, I don't have much to add other than I wish you, your W and your kids well.
It´s good to read things are improving Adam. The stream comes with up and down cycles. Get into the up ones and keep riding on them.
Time and patience.
Good!
Adam, good to hear from you. Don't ever forget to keep doing the things that have worked for you, it's a fight against human nature sometimes.
Great update Adam! Nice work on the piecing efforts, really well done by both of you!
Prayers said for you Adam! Keep up the great work.
FS, Neffer, Ovr, AS, and Steve85 thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for sharing your time with me, for posting and helping me navigate through the rough waters.
Thank you to all the regulars who were on during the time I joined, thanks to all the vets and greenhorns who shared your time, your words of wisdom and your experiences. It gave me a better look at the mess I was in and it helped pave a way out for me.
It's been a little over 1 1/2 years. If you asked me about it, the whole thing, my feelings etc, I won't have a secret recipe or any sort of trick up my sleeve into making this work where we are still together. I can simply say that my wife knows where I stand. I know where I stand. Because of this, it was enough to re-start a new relationship together.
I can't be on long. I'd love to sit here and spend hours reading and sharing. It's 2AM and I woke up early, couldn't go back to sleep, and wanted to spend a little time here.
Life apart from covid19 has been extremely good. We are continuously reconnecting, rebuilding and strengthening our marriage.
I need to keep this short for tonight. Wanted to drop in and give a quick status update that we are doing great.
W and I are healthy. Kids are healthy.
Stay safe out there.
Glad to read man!
Keep DB basics as part of the new MR. Listen, STFU, validate, shine!
Stay strong! All of you!
(((Adam)))
Adam,
Noticed you back on the boards, how about an update?
Hopefully things still good?
Dont want to jinx it but the boards could do with something positive.
hey dunn,
You're right. Let me get an update going while the coast is somewhat clear.
I'll try to get right to it and talk about the MR. It's going pretty good. 9 months about from last update and I can't complain about one thing. I think she and I have both grown and have become better at communicating and putting the relationship first.
For those not familiar, it was Aug 2018, I caught W lying about who she was with on a work lunch and I went crazy. That night she BD me after coming home to seeing all her stuff destroyed. I did all the wrong things, asking her to stay, asking her to work it out for the kids, did all the crappy begging and pleading. 2 months in, I found this forum. Read the MWD books and started to make changes. We had an in house separation for several months and I focused more on myself and my boys. I had a lot of free time and exercised, lost 80+ pounds. We sold the house and I got an apartment like 5 minutes from where we had our new home built. She kept the new home. We started 50/50 split of the boys, I had them one week and she had them the next. This went on for a little while. I remember having her over to the apartment one day while I was cooking dinner for the boys and she just couldn't stop crying. She said she had that big empty house and that it felt empty. It felt like we took it slow. She would invite me over for coffee in the mornings and I'd go over. We'd talk. Then I was over there more. I wasn't sure what would happen and it felt like I was playing it by ear from what I remember. I would be in my apartment giving updates and then going from there. One time I think she felt the pressure. Maybe I asked her some questions or something happened, the details are here in past posts. She wasn't sure. Maybe she wasn't sure if I had changed or if it was for good. I started to see a therapist and she did too. We were still working out our issues. Mine was trust. In time, I began to trust her again. She didn't fight back. We discussed rules , timeouts, safe words to use if things escalated. We would revisit if we had to. I could tell her therapist was helping her break down years of being programmed a certain way. She is a conflict avoider.
Well, in the last 9 months...
As some may know, we reconciled. Not only that, but I'm a changed man for the better. We both are better. I think it took me changing for her to see the change and she too hopped on board.
W and I have gotten better at communicating which means no more shouting matches. No more blame games, or you always do this or that or you never do any of this. We are both aware of some of our old bad habits and we don't want to go back to that.
I have no inkling that she is rebellious or being disrespectful to our marriage. She isn't off trying to sneak to places she has no business being. She doesn't try to embarrass me in front of the kids or anyone else. She doesn't utter things under her breath. There is no GGW attitude. No being sneaky about her phone. She is transparent, leaves her phone around any time of day. I have access to it and passwords. She is on life 360 and also shares her location with me on her phone.
What is the biggest change for both of us? IMO, our communication.
I have to admit, I used to see this woman as the person dragging me down and I wondered why did I ever marry her. She didn't do this or that, which in turn made me no longer want to do things either. My life was a downward spiral. I wasn't being honest with myself or her nor owned my mistakes. Maybe it was pride, or resentment or a bad combination of different things. I had some of that nice guy syndrome. Getting angry at her for not giving me what I wanted in situations where she didn't know what I wanted. I had these expectations like she outta know what made me happy. I put my happiness on her. Pretty unfair. I read here a while back from some of the old vets, that sometimes the spouse who actually wants out will do things to force the other person to pull the trigger and BD.
I love my W, but I stopped nurturing our relationship because I wasn't happy.
Now though? After BD, when my ego was shattered and my trust broken, my head in a daze, it took me a while to regain my senses. I had to look at myself and work on the things I wanted to change like my anger. I worked at being a better more responsible person in general. I'm more thoughtful.
After this new recharge of self, when I said I was the prize, I'm a fun, funny guy, after going for what made me happy and realizing I'm in control of my happiness and emotions, the veil was lifted. The fog was gone. I'm a Christian making a honest, decent living. Once I could see clearer, I was reminded of who I was and am. This experience humbled me.
I almost lost something not just important to me but to my sons and to her, the family structure and the unity. I have this second chance, and its something I am thankful for every day. I see her differently. This is still the woman I chose to be with and made vows with. I am crazy in love with her like a renewed appreciation. This makes it easy to fill up her love bucket with love tokens. I own up to my mistakes and she has in her own ways tried to make amends. We've had so many talks at nights or at the table or waking up together and having small talk during morning coffee. Once I stopped blaming her for my issues and I owned mine, I saw her in a different light. I no longer was resentful towards her. She had basically told me the same thing. She stopped resenting me for things in her life. Some of that was due to our lack of communication. When she realized she was a runner through some therapy sessions she found out some of the whys which helped her in our relationship and even with her mom. She too has some nice guy syndrome. Trying to be passive and not argue to make peace yet still harboring ill feelings because she doesn't fee like she can say what she wants. Through the last couple years she has been able to open up more. Learning to validate and just to listen without trying to own the conversation has helped go a long way. W has said she loves the way we communicate and that its much more effective now. She said she didn't think we could talk things through the way we do now.
I was listening to this audio book suggested from another post I recently commented on I believe, the book is Tough Love. The thing the author said that is the relationship killer before there is lack of communication or issues with it is the thought that one of the people feels trapped. That hits it on the nose as to why we should keep our lives exciting and taking them along for the ride.
W said she loves our date nights and cant wait for the next one. She said she enjoys our time again when its only us and we can laugh and talk about things, not the kids or work or home life. How do I know my W is back? Sandi mentioned a few things for starters to see early in my post. I mentioned above how she is not secretive, not trying to go out, she is trying to be visible.etc. She is also trying more in many aspects, from intimacy, to having shared interests. We both are proud of our boys and she is proud of how they are being raised. I never faltered there and I'm proud of that. I have obedient, respectful boys who are living and enjoying their lives. Our older one played football this year and it was fun to watch him and I loved how we both were able to cheer him on and talk about his achievements. Then our second one is so different. We took him out to learn to ride his bike today. He and we were so proud. We are back sharing the same parenting style.
My W wakes up earlier than she needs to to make me coffee every day and she hasn't missed a beat in a long while in giving me those long lingering kisses with the I love you's. We share quick texts to catch up sometimes thru the day. Sometimes she tells me she is having a hard day. I listen and validate. With some of those online classes, its truly difficult for the parents and the kids. When there are technical failures or things aren't clear, it can get chaotic.
We are spending time slowly finding pieces to complete our home. We'd put it together and we work together more on things, I try to be that partner she said she had been missing out on.
Getting late and she and the kids came to the room.
Awesome Adam, glad to see you around still and it sounds like all is well. Happy New Year to you.
Hi Adam, always nice to read success stories! I'm glad you were able to save your marriage.
Hey Over, Happy New Years to you too buddy. I also caught one of your last updates not too long ago, few weeks back. Good to hear you're doing well too.
CW, its been a good minute. Good to hear you doing you and gl this summer with those mountain climbs and your progress with the GF.
hey all,
dropping in to give a small update.
the family has been well and safe from covid. mostly everyone is vaccinated except my youngest. mother in law doing fine. my wife and I are doing fine. both kids passed school with older son all As in honors and my younger son As and Bs. We are ready for the summer time. we got a couple trips planned for vacation so cant wait for that. older one will be starting sac camp soon.
on the work front, I am still working from home, no change expected any time soon. I think the way we are headed is this may be perm for some people. But who knows. Enjoying the time I am able to spend with my youngest at home. The last year has been quite the experience. We have learned that we have some friends who didn't make it through the year and ended up D. W made a comment to that , that this past year can make or break many relationships. strengthen or weaken and she said it has definitely strengthened our relationship.
quarantined at home this last year, we packed on a few pounds. this summer, i'm putting a gym in the garage for all of us to use. last i think i shared that we were taking walks around the neighborhood. stepping that up.
quickly on the relationship, it's in a great spot. Our communication has improved so much. I'm able to trust her again, and we are able to move on and work together as a couple and as parents. I cant think of one area that is lacking in the relationship. Earlier I was on the MWD site and it listed a while slew of things the book could help with, from sex starved marriage to financial and parenting woes. I am able to check off every little box knowing we are able to address each hurdle together. And the passion? My wife in thick of it after BD asked what about the passion, what happened to that... And now, we have that emotional connection, every little thing is lined up right where it makes it easy to have the passion like we were teenagers all over again. It's probably the best way I can describe it. the flames have been rekindled for a while.
going to be time to make some early morning coffee soon. I wish you all well.
Great update Adam! Remember, never stop DBing! Too many LBSs, after Ring, go back to the old behaviors. Now that you are Ring, remember to date your wife. Take her out on weekly dates. Bring her flowers randomly. But also keep up your GAL (spouses love it when their spouse has other interests!), keep working on self-improvements. And look up self-differentiation in marriage! (Hint: it is healthy, loving detachment!)
Adam, I haven't been on here in a while and just jumped on to do some reading and came across this thread. Just this one thread spans back a couple of years and really covers your journey well. You and your W have both done a lot of hard work and it's really paying off, congratulations! I'm very impressed with the soul-searching and personal improvement you've done. In reading your updates it made me realize I've slipped on my DB'ing techniques with my GF and have fallen back into old habits. Your comments are a great reminder that we've got to stay vigilant. Keep up the great work!
Adam, I haven't been on here in a while and just jumped on to do some reading and came across this thread. Just this one thread spans back a couple of years and really covers your journey well. You and your W have both done a lot of hard work and it's really paying off, congratulations! I'm very impressed with the soul-searching and personal improvement you've done. In reading your updates it made me realize I've slipped on my DB'ing techniques with my GF and have fallen back into old habits. Your comments are a great reminder that we've got to stay vigilant. Keep up the great work!
AS!! This place has missed you. Please come back more often!!
Adam, glad you’re doing so well and able to put most/all you learned to good use.
AnotherStander, hey, LTNS! There are A LOT of relationship skills master. Even on a bad day, I’m sure you’re much more ninja at them now than a few years ago . It sounds like AnotherStander could do better though, and you’re realizing that before your relationship spirals. Hope a renewed focus helps and update your thread if you’re so inclined.