Not sure what to do after ILYBNILWY #2

Previous thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=62380&Number=2866715#Post2866715

So, I�ll try and do a quick recap from memory.

My W had been acting differently, more distant and less loving since around March. No more welcome home kiss unless I went for it, no hugs or physical touch unless I initiated it. Also cut me off from sex about 2-� years ago, always had an excuse (menopause, yeast infections, etc.)

Got the ILYBINILWY BD on July 6. Wife left the MB and began spending a lot more time with �friends�, about 4 nights a week, including weekends. After a couple of weeks, our conversations became more frequent and similar to before the BD, although only like friends, and that�s the way its remained for the past 3 months. Nothing has been said by either of us about the BD or the MR. I�ve struggled with GAL and detachment. Just trying to give her space.

About 2 weeks ago, I confirmed that there is a OM, she doesn�t know that I know this. Everyone and everything I read said there is a OM based on her actions and the BD, but I was holding onto the slim chance my sitch was different. This confirmation brought back a lot of the emotion, pain and anger that I felt after BD, although she never saw it.
The past 2 weeks have been a struggle being around her knowing shes been with someone else, although it�s getting easier.

Here�s my last post from the previous thread.

Originally Posted by CWarrior

Originally Posted by "Rick71"

So, I'm still considering going with the separation/divorce route, I just don't want to do it until i'm absolutely sure that's the way I want to go as once it goes there, there's no coming back.

Rick, I don't buy this. I had 'ways back' for 3yrs after I divorced my ex-wife. Unless you mean you'd consider her if she changed now, but you wouldn't consider her if she changed after you filed for divorce.

CW, by "no coming back", what I meant by it is I can't threaten divorce without going thru. That would make me look weak. I want to be sure that's the path I want to take.
As far as considering getting back with W before or after a divorce, I wouldn't shut the door on it either way, I just feel like I don't want to live with her in my life while she's with the other man.

Originally Posted by LH19

R,

It�s highly unlikely if you initiate D that it changes anything. If your hunch is true and the A has been going on for that long she will likely D you when son leaves. I would let her do all the dirty work and just start planning a life for post D.

I'm not looking at filing D to make any changes in her. If she decided to work on the marriage after talking D, I wouldn't believe anything she said related to recon, it would only be to buy her more time to get her plans in place.
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So I'm still on the fence about where I'm headed with her. I don't feel I want to live in this limbo any longer knowing that she is with OM. I would prefer to work on the M, but that's in her hands. If this goes to separation or divorce, then I think I'm fine with that.

I was thinking of having a short talk with her to get it out that I can't keep living like this and that she needs to decide what she wants. Not sure if I'll bring up the OM or separation/divorce in this convo.

What I'm looking for is if anyone has any direction that I can take on this.

R,

Well if you�re ready to D then you she let her know that you know what�s going on with the OM and that you will not live in an OM and that you will be filing for divorce.

Her response will tell you how to proceed. If she says ok then you file. If she says she wants to work on marriage you tell her you need to think about it.

I�m just warning you that once you go ahead with this you have to follow through. I also must warn you that if this has been going on for 2.5 years she is most likely going to agree to divorce.

I agree with LH. Don't say that unless you are willing to follow through. Based on her "current feelings" she is likely to be fine with it but as we all say, feelings can change.

I think it's ok to tell her you know about the OM and you can state your boundaries. "I know you are seeing OM and I think it's best if you find another place to live"...or something to that effect.

As long as she's with OM you separate yourself (without moving out) from her.

Originally Posted by LH19

R,

Well if you�re ready to D then you she let her know that you know what�s going on with the OM and that you will not live in an OM and that you will be filing for divorce.

Her response will tell you how to proceed. If she says ok then you file. If she says she wants to work on marriage you tell her you need to think about it.

I'm not sure if I want to go straight to D just yet. I was thinking of telling her I'm not happy and I know about OM. Depending on the response, going with S or D after.

Quote

I�m just warning you that once you go ahead with this you have to follow through. I also must warn you that if this has been going on for 2.5 years she is most likely going to agree to divorce.

Yea, I realize that once I threaten D, if I don't do it I'll look weak. I agree if it has been going on that long, she'll probably choose D. I think that would be best for me to to free me up to move on.

Well R seems like you�re confused. One minute you�re ready to D the next minute you�re not. So the best thing we be to keep moving forward and not mentioning anything at this time.

As for her response I am 99.9% sure it is not going to be what you want to hear.

LH, I don't think it's that I'm confused. I don't think I want to go directly to D at the time I bring up OM. I'm wanting to see how she responds when she's outed and if it take's D because she won't give up OM, then that's what I'll go with.

R,

Dialogue

W I know what's going on with you and the OM and I will not live in an open marriage. Then listen and validate where appropriate. She will most likely deny it. You will stick to your guns calmly and say that you know what is going on. You don't tell her how you know just that you know. If she doesn't admit it and want to discuss it at that point I would leave the house and not come back for awhile. Eventually she will need to discuss it and you will just stick to your boundary. The goal is for her to end the A and reconcile or give you an amicable divorce.

Rick, sorry you're in this situation, it's a painful place to be. Ironically she probably quit having sex with you because of OM, as crazy as it sounds a lot of waywards won't have sex with their husband because they feel like doing that would be cheating on OM!

Regarding whether to pursue D, here's what I think. I think you're in a situation that will never change, she will not initiate S or D herself but she is not going to come back to the M either as long as this limbo continues. TXHubby was in this exact same situation and it was slowly killing him. He was to the point of being physically ill- unable to sleep, I think he said he was having heart palpitations too. He finally was laying in bed one day and that was it, he reached his breaking point. He got angry that he had let his W bring him down this low, and he swore he would take control of his life again. From that moment forward he was DONE with her. They still lived under the same roof but he quit caring about what she was doing, who she was doing it with or where. He truly GAL'd, got fit, dressed better, went out more, all for himself. His posts here even changed radically, he went from desperate to strong and independent. He didn't care what impact it all had on his W. When she saw this new empowered man instead of the whipped puppy dog she had been seeing, suddenly she wanted him. But he didn't want her, so what followed was her hitting rock bottom and begging him to take her back. He eventually did and last he posted here they were piecing.

When I read situations like yours I always think it's just never going to end until YOU do something radical whether that's filing for D or shutting her out of your life like TXH did. But as LH and Jak said above, you've got to do it for you, not to get a reaction out of her. You've got to get fed up first, and then take whatever action you're going to take because it's what YOU want.

Thank you LH for the response. That's similar to what I've been told by the friend I talk with at work. This is going to be tough, but I feel I need to do it for me.

Thanks for the reply AS. Although I didnt feel ill or trouble sleeping as TX, it's been on my mind throughout the day, even affecting my concentration at my job. And as you said, it may not end until I make a move since its possible it's been going on for over 2 years.

This talk is going to be the hardest thing I've done in my life with the uncertainty of where my life is headed, but once it's done, hopefully I'll have direction, wherever it may lead.

Originally Posted by Rick71

Thank you LH for the response. That's similar to what I've been told by the friend I talk with at work. This is going to be tough, but I feel I need to do it for me.

One thing I will advise is to think your way through this rather than feel your way through it. You'll be happier later that you chose with your mind instead of your heart.

Your W can surely read your emotions, try to pocket those emotions for the time being.