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Posted By: JO77 Drowning - 09/28/19 02:33 PM
Any advice would be appreciated. I have started reading the Michelle’s book but still need guidance. My husband and i have been married for 18 years, 1 son (12) and 1 daughter (14). My H sat down Thursday night and stated he was done. This was after i sent a text saying how much i loved him and i know things have been tense lately. No clue he was thinking of walking away. He said we should separate, stated we lived like roommates, we couldn’t make each other happy. He also twisted past fights and things I’ve said (rewriting history?) Of course my first response was that I did not want to divorce, we have so much to lose etc. That made him more angry and he lashed out blaming me for most of the issues in our marriage. I finally just asked him what his plan was. None at this point, doesn’t have an idea when he wants to leave hasn’t spoken to a lawyer, he even asked me where he should get an apartment? Like I’m going to plan his exit for him?!? I just got quite and that pretty much ended the conversation. We had family pictures scheduled for the next night, friday. Later that evening after I come back to the living room he stated angrly that i should just cancel the pics. I stated that I was not going to in a neutral voice stating I had already paid for them. Thinking I would just take the kids. After dinner he asks me to pick up a gift for our niece and stated he would wear a plaid shirt for the pictures. I was dumbfounded he would ask me to pick up presents after telling me he wanted out of our marriage and would want to go to get pictures. At this point I’m just lost. He hasn’t said anything again about leaving but is being very distant. Turning it on (happy, super dad) around the kids and little communication when they are not around. My immediate question is how to handle an upcoming family vacation we planned months ago. We are supposed to leave next Saturday for a week in Yellowstone. Do I bring up the trip, do I ask him when he is moving out? I feel like a hostage not knowing what the hell is going on.

Jo77
Posted By: Cadet Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 03:08 PM
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Posted By: Traveler Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 03:28 PM
Originally Posted by “J077”
We are supposed to leave next Saturday for a week in Yellowstone. Do I bring up the trip, do I ask him when he is moving out?

Unfortunately, they’ll often interpret such questions as you pressuring them, at a time when they’re already unhappy with the relationship. I also had a multi-state road trip with kids and a national park within a few weeks of BD. I didn’t know if we were going until about 24hrs before! If you can, make a plan that works for both contingencies e.g., you+kids vs you+kids+him. If he opts out, there you are already GAL without him and lots of time to help your kid cope, too.
Posted By: JO77 Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 03:39 PM
Thank you! It is nice to have someone to talk with. I feel so isolated and confused. He is at his parents this weekend on a long planned visit the kids and I couldn’t attend due to my daughter’s gymnastics. He asked our 12 year old to go but he didn’t want to. Husband was hurt but I’m not surprised. He usually leaves the kids sitting at his moms to hang with his brother and it’s not fun for them. He has texted the kids this morning but not me. I’m resisting the urge to find an excuse to text him. It’s like I’m looking for any positive signs from him.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 03:50 PM
Originally Posted by “J077”
He also twisted past fights and things I’ve said (rewriting history?)

The WAS often rewrites history to justify their actions, but some of it they may have just perceived differently. This is prime time to listen, validate, and empathize what they feel to slowly rebuild a connection. My partner and I often want to jump to defending or fixing, but hearing each other is where it’s at.

It’s easier for affair partners to be good listeners, because they don’t have as much cause to feel responsible for the strong negative emotions a WAS is feeling. Listening is a powerful skill.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sending good thoughts, and vent here if you need to.
Posted By: JO77 Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 04:22 PM
Thank you for the link. A great snap shot for empathy strategies. Although it’s hard to swallow a lot of what he is saying now about our marriage. Is it unusual for the spouse to drop the bomb and then not discuss it for days. I guess I’m looking for any hope, like maybe he is not as sure as he was saying the other night. I’m not asking any questions at this point to avoid pressuring him. But not knowing where I stand is killing me. I just want to know if he is in fact moving out or just considering it now.

Jo77
Posted By: 44tries2 Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 04:43 PM
Wow, do multi-state road trips and national parks cause BDs? Lol I was supposed to be on the way to Yellowstone with W as we speak...

I can totally relate to feeling like a hostage. Prepare to be dumbfounded a lot more. This is not about logic. Nothing is going to make sense and you just have to roll with it. CW's suggestion for plans was good. You have to just be prepared for multiple outcomes, for things to go either way. It's a burden you bear during this time, unfortunately.

Don't ask questions about the plans and definitely not about when he's moving out. Believe me, I know you have SO many questions and it feels unacceptable that none can be asked/answered. Like CW said, they can't because it puts pressure on your H and you cannot afford to apply any pressure at all right now. You must let him work through whatever he is going through on his time. I have heard the 'roommates that can't make each other happy' line more than once from my W. You will find if you read more here that people's stories are remarkably similar. And I do mean remarkably. You should be prepared for the possibility of your H being involved in an affair. He may or may not be, but the reality is when spouses feel this way, an affair is incredibly likely. They are not defending the marriage, so it is very vulnerable to outside parties.

Try to gather yourself and your strength as best as you possibly can. Read Sandi's rules, read DR (especially Last Resort Technique), read more stories here. You will find things you can relate to and advice that has already been given that will be extremely helpful to you immediately. Keep posting and people will come to you as well.

Sorry you are going through this!
Posted By: 44tries2 Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 04:49 PM
It is completely normal to BD and then not discuss it for days. The first time my W BDed, we never discussed it again. I would consider THAT to be abnormal, it was more of bomb that didn't actually go off. Now, it has been a week I think since BD. My W has made only a couple, vague passing comments referencing it. Do not be the one to initiate a talk. One of Sandi's rules is no R talks.
Posted By: JO77 Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 05:03 PM
How do I know the difference between cake eating and 180’s. I feel like I want to give him a taste of what he wants really looks like. For example dropping the bomb and the next breath asking me to pick up a gift for his niece to take on his trip home. I wanted to say, “buddy, get your own dam gift”. But i just said sure and got it. What boundaries should I be setting now? He is going to be traveling a lot in the next weeks, do I text him or go silent. I know I have so many question right now. But this is the only place I do t feel like I’m losing my mind.
Posted By: job Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 05:45 PM
Here's a link to a thread created by Wonka on Boundaries:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

When he's on travel, I wouldn't initiate contact unless it is an absolute emergency. If he texts you, give yourself a couple of hours to respond back.

As for picking up a gift, if you don't want to do it, you could always say "H, I'm sorry, but I don't have the time to pick it up" and leave it at that. But remember, you don't want to lower yourself to his level, you want to rise above it and you do not want your actions to look like revenge.

In my opinion, 180's are what you do to help your situation. Cake eating is what one spouse/partner does to another when there is an affair going on.

Keep the focus on you.
Posted By: rooskers Re: Drowning - 09/28/19 05:51 PM
Quote
Wow, do multi-state road trips and national parks cause BDs?


I was suppose to go on a 10 day trip to Hawaii and visit the Volcano National Park but got hit with the BD couple weeks before. Sometimes I wonder if it is planned.

JO77 my XW had already contacted a lawyer and was going to proceed with divorce so I decided not to go on the trip and use that time to get all my affairs in order and contact my own lawyer. Your situation seems different than mine though. I feel like if possible it would be a great time to spend with just you and your children and give H the space he needs.
Posted By: JO77 Re: Drowning - 10/18/19 01:31 PM
I haven’t posted in a while. The vacation went as well as could be expected. We were with the kids 24/7 so no relationship/divorce talk until the last day when we were alone at breakfast. He brought it up, basically said everything he did the day he dropped the bomb. Isn’t happy, we would be better apart, the kids will be fine. I camly stated that is not what I wanted but he had to make his own choice how to move forward. It’s truly like he’s wanting me to tell him to leave so he has an out without the blame of leaving. I should mention on the trip he also brought up us moving back to his hometown in KY, wanted my opinion if I would move back and talked about us all going to his moms for Thanksgiving. Since that breakfast last Friday he has not brought up anything. He is short and clipped in his conversation with me. I’ve been staying busy not pursuing and not letting his grumpy behavior get to me. It’s as if he’s trying very hard to engage me in a fight through passive aggressive behavior. The more I don’t let his attitude effect me the more frustrated he gets.

My question is what do I do at this point? I don’t bring up relationship talks and trying to stay busy when he is home. Is it just a waiting game at this point?

Jo77
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Drowning - 10/18/19 01:53 PM
J077, we have a saying around here. The best thing to do in most cases is nothing. IT is difficult. Every fiber of our being screams to take action. Cadet likes to say (I think it is Cadet) that doing nothing IS doing something.

So yes it is waiting. game. Those that do best are those that can remain patient. Remember, he is going through his own stuff and is dealing with his own issues. So through your love for him be patient and let him work through and sort through all of that.

I know it is hard, as I've been there. Waiting is the hardest thing to do.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Drowning - 10/18/19 07:10 PM
Originally Posted by JO77
The more I don’t let his attitude effect me the more frustrated he gets.
Perfect. Keep this up. Let him be frustrated.
Posted By: JO77 Re: Drowning - 10/18/19 09:19 PM
I know I’m not supposed to, but I just snooped through his computer😕 He has set up a PO Box that has his credit card bill and our rental property info going to. In his search history I found searches for divorces in Al, apartment listings, should I hide money in a divorce, and divorce before big bonus, etc. I know I’m not supposed to snoop, the open computer just got the best of me since he’s giving me the silent treatment. A little side about some of his shady searches as that is not the man I’ve known for 20 years. But not surprised as he has turned I to a jerk the last two months and rewritten our history.

There are moments when I think we can ride this out and work on rebuilding our marriage down the road. The next thought is he will walk out next week.

I hate all this uncertainty! 😞

Tori
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